Previously on This Year's Model: Well, there was fighting. And occasional racing, but mostly fighting, and bitching, and complaining, and crying, and have I mentioned fighting? Because it was just oh, so satisfying, and it was oh, so much fun to watch. In better news, Phil's description in the previouslys of "[El Hornio's] fear of almost everything he encountered" is by far the biggest burn this show has ever explicitly put on anybody, and while it's a little bit mean, it's also really funny, particularly when combined with footage of El Hornio floating around in the scuba outfit like a bloated, deceased sea creature of some kind. Incidentally, ahead of the party recap, I want to shout out the fact that despite the fact that the season was Asshole-Enhanced For Your Non-Enjoyment near the end, these racers in person were some of the nicest and friendliest ever, including Kris and Jon (who both indulged me in prattling on about how pretty he was, because they just plain fucking rock, and would even if he hadn't let me pat his prickly hair), Hera (who is so cool to talk to that I could probably have spent another half-hour doing it), Meredith and Maria (awesome and funny), Lena and Kristy (again, awesome and funny), Hornio (good sports, way more than necessary under the circumstances), and Aaron (who is taaaaaaaaall). Others in attendance were reportedly also very sweet, but those are the ones I personally met. So thanks to all.
Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Jonathan and Victoria aren't there. It occurs to me that if Industrial Light and Magic could erase people from real events like it can erase them from video, they would actually be more powerful than Yoda. Do you think that qualifies as irony? I do.
Commercials. What do you get if you cross horrific boredom with wretched excess? Yes, that's right. You get Survivor: Palau. Join us beginning week for a whole new season of the same old crap. And with that, I have officially become the Creaky Old Grandpa of Recapping, all, "Damn kids and their tribal council and their wah-wah-wah, don't know how to build a fire."
We return to Shanghai, which Phil promises is the largest city in China. In fact, it's -- wait for it -- a "bustling metropolis." I wonder if it has crowded streets and a chaotic marketplace. Oh, the days of yore. What Shanghai most definitely does have is the ironically named Peace Hotel South, where peace-loving teams like...Hornio...and Aaron and Hayden...and Nuance...will be departing for this leg. I do appreciate Phil wearing the striped shirt he stole from the lost and found at the Shanghai Recreational Center For Wrinkly Old Accountants. I'm telling you, Phil is so cute, it's just a travesty what they do to him with the wardrobe stuff. It's like when a really hot car goes by and it's blasting, like, Celine Dion. Anyway, Phil reminds us again that it was non-elimination, so Hornio lost its money but was not Philiminated. He wonders aloud whether their "determination" will carry them through to the end. He also wonders whether Hayden and Aaron will keep up the strong finishes, as we watch Aaron in pit stop footage making a sort of "ay yi yi" face, which means somebody probably just reminded him that the chick sitting to him is his girlfriend.
11:20 PM. Here go Hayden and Aaron. Her spaghetti-strap top is even more low-hanging than usual, so that's a hell of a lot of boob for the beginning of a long day. She reads the clue, which, if you believe her, tells them to head for "Exxon." I'm tempted to suggest that the challenge will be oil spill cleanup, but then it occurs to me that that reference is older than Methuselah's grandmother, and maybe I should make a more relevant one about corporate meddling in national energy policy instead. Fortunately for my non-desire to do current-events research, it turns out that in fact, the clue tells them to go to Xi'an, pronounced more like "shee-ahn," as Phil immediately corrects in his explanation. As I've said before, I love the explanations where you can almost hear Phil pronouncing the name of the city emphatically, barely restraining himself from starting with, "AHEM." When they get to Xi'an, teams will take a taxi to Drum Tower to find another clue. Hayden explains in an interview that she and Aaron expect to have an advantage due to their "cohesiveness." They are so going to utilize synergy. They hop in a cab and head for the train station.
11:30 PM. Nuance. Kendra pronounces the city "Zen." Nice try, there, princess. Freddy claims that Kendra has managed to "grow" during the race. I agree. She used to hate all of Africa, and now she only hates the impoverished parts. It's enough to make you tear up, all the personal growth. Also, can I ask why Freddy is wearing jams? What year is this? Maybe my original Exxon joke is good enough after all.
At 11:44 PM, Kris and Jon are leaving. He laughs at his own dorky inability to open the clue. So cute with his little hat backwards. Loosely translated using my polite-to-English dictionary, Jon's off-the-mat comment amounts to, "Cabs suck. Our plan for today is less sucking from our cabs, because the sucking of yesterday was really too much to tolerate, even for me, and I am engaged in a lifelong mellow-off with the Dalai Lama."
Hayden and Aaron approach the Shanghai train station, and when they get there, they head inside and learn that the train ride takes seventeen hours, and the train leaves tomorrow morning. I keep looking at their little caption that says "Dating Actors" and thinking that teams I dislike always have stupid labels that provide a hint that I might. "Dating Actors." "Engaged Models." "Formerly Dating." All of those labels kind of make me feel queasy, and guess how it worked out? Yeah. At any rate, the train doesn't leave until 8:51 in the morning, so they're not exactly under the gun.
When Nuance arrives, Freddy points out to Princess Kendra that they have to go in where it says "Entrance" and not where it says "Exit," not that he's not kind of an insufferable snot about it. She gripes about how he shouldn't be talking to her like that. He voices over that he's "more aggressive," and he's "seeking answers immediately," and sometimes he thinks this is off-putting to Kendra. I think not getting her way immediately is off-putting to Kendra, but that's just me. And she calls him "buddy" in that motherly kind of way, and you just know that's having a deleterious effect on his testicles. They bicker on the way into the train station, and then inside, they learn about that morning train to Xi'an. As they walk away, he calls her "mean," but allows that she "look[s] cute," so apparently, that makes it okay. Oh, Freddy. Sars always says that people who are really pretty have to find a way to start planning for the time when they won't be so pretty, and Kendra is kind of a perfect example. You can be insufferable but beautiful, but you can't do it forever. Her unrelentingly pissy behavior is just kind of incompatible with crow's feet, not that his isn't also.
At 12:24 AM, Hornio leaves with their money-free envelope. Turns out that that other teams got $297 for the leg, in case you're keeping track. El Hornio interviews that Nuance really screwed the poodle (tm Apprentice John) by Yielding them, because all it did was make them stronger. Yeah! And they're awesome! And everybody can suck it! Because they rawk! Wooo! You know that's totally what his hair is saying, and has been saying all along, except it says it in kind of a nasal voice, so no one listens. Rebecca goes around collecting money from various people whom I suspect of just wanting her to shut up (as I do), but El Hornio voices over that they have an advantage in that she's so "adorable." Yeesh. It's like he has beer goggles, but without the beer. Rebecca, whether through adorable-ness or something else, goes around rendering the no-money "twist" just as meaningless as it always is, as when somebody winds up staking her to a freaking $100 nut in a single encounter. Whatever. I resent international generosity. Apparently, they wind up with $1230, so that money-stripping thing was a really important plot twist, as usual. They head for the train station. I have to say that when you've used a specific plot twist on your show six or eight times and it has never been interesting even once, it might be time to think about retiring it. At this point, the money strip is the "Frasier and Niles throw a fancy party that goes horribly wrong" of this show. And that's just sad.
Kris and Jon make it to the train station and learn about the morning train to Xi'an. Hornio is right behind them, so everyone is on the same train. Morning comes, along with some peppy, dated music that sounds like the backing track from an inspirational video about starting your career as a stenographer. I'm serious. You could play that scene and intone seriously, "The legal profession is a fast-paced world, and you can be a part of it," and it will make perfect sense. It might even inspire you to quit your job. Anyway, the teams get on the train. Freddy comments that Kendra is happy to be getting a decent bed on the train, and she is totally hoping there is not a pea under the mattress. There's also a great moment when Hayden attempts to enjoy a warm bonding experience with a little Chinese child, and she scares the crap out of him and makes him cry. I think it's the boobs, personally. Kris comments to the other teams that she thinks Jon was concerned that the train would be uncomfortable, and it would make her a "raging bitch." Totally. They might make her sleep on a bed of nails, at which point she would say, "Ow," and giggle, raging bitch that she is. El Hornio chimes in, "A raging bitch is like [Rebecca] on a really nice day." And then we cut to Rebecca, who, unlike Kris and Jon, is not laughing. I'm very skeptical of that edit, but it's still funny.
On the train to Xi'an, the couples occupy themselves in ways that make for nice relationship metaphors. Kendra and Freddy smile prettily at each other. Rebecca and El Hornio lie in their beds motionless, staring at the ceiling and contemplating death. Sweet, sweet death. Kris and Jon? Oh, they're hanging. Because there's plenty of time to make out later. Hayden and Aaron are staring out the window, and I suspect he's got jumping on his mind. Aaron comments that this isn't the way he pictured China, which he expected to be "all rice fields." Instead, he sees corn. Chinese corn! Who knew? He adds, "It looks like Michigan, where I'm from." (Mr. Pseudostudent: "Yes, they are clearly in the area known as the Michigan of China.") Hayden loves the way China smells. I'm not sure that makes sense, if it's really the Michigan of China. (OH! Interstate Midwestern rivalry smackdown bullshit fighting! Don't come at me, Upper Peninsula; I will hurt you!) Phil and the Amazing Yellow Line remind us that this is a 17-hour ride to Xi'an, and I'm betting there's not even a movie.
And then we are there, and the teams are de-training. Aw, El Hornio has the Kitty Hood pulled up. Somebody should really...tell him how that looks. Teams fetch taxis for Drum Tower. Hayden looks a little skeptical as they get into their cab, and on the ride, she asks Aaron whether he's worried that they're not going the right way. He calmly points out that she worries enough for the whole team. Heh. Elsewhere, for some reason, Kris and Jon's cab driver has the giggles, but they get going anyway. I'm not sure you want to ride with someone who thinks highways are this funny, but...okay. Kris even comments that he might be "on something special." Yeah. "Too much green tea," Jon offers dryly. "Yeah. A lot of green tea," she agrees. Hee.
Nuance gets a cab. And it's just that interesting.
Hornio and Hayden and Aaron find the tower, and the hours of operation don't start until 8:00. It's 5:10, so that should effectively wipe out everything up to this point, certainly. Kris and Jon show up, then Nuance. No time for footage of people sleeping or being awakened by the licking of puppies -- there is racing to be done!
In the morning, Chinese people frolic. A drum (logically enough) is pounded, and the teams walk in. Additional drumming ensues, and the teams make their way in a big clump to a clue box, where they retrieve the clue for a Detour. (Nice clue-ripping sequence, by the way. The editing has been pretty dull this go-round, but I liked that.) Phil explains that the choices are Spray and Scroll. In Spray, you travel about 34 miles to a car factory, and you spray-paint a car. In Scroll, you go to a fabric factory and search through ten bolts of fabric on a light table, looking for little Chinese characters that say, "MORON! THIS DETOUR OPTION IS MUCH HARDER!" All the teams, unsurprisingly, choose Spray.
Taxi-hunting ensues. Kris and Jon, weirdly, seem to get screwed by two consecutive cabs that pick up other teams instead of them. Kendra, unsurprisingly, crows about this in the cab once she and Freddy are on their way, because she's nothing if not graceless at every opportunity. And what she says, that Kris and Jon were "nowhere near" the cab, is bullshit anyway, because you can see that Jon hails the cab and they run over and cut him off. I mean, if you're going to poach, poach, but don't be a pussy about it, you know? Anyway, Kris and Jon wind up being the last to get a cab, and inside, Kris expresses some surprise that they kept getting "snaked" by other teams with cabs. Which was kind of weird indeed. She does note that "what goes around, comes around," and the world would certainly be a better place if that were more consistently true. In the Hornio cab, Rebecca is lecturing El Hornio about how he has to put on the uniform at the car factory really quickly, because apparently, she might forget to nag later. It's like layaway nagging.
Hayden, meanwhile, is unhappy that they don't see any other teams, and is beginning to think it might be a wild goose chase of the Chinese variety. She then instructs Aaron to be more upset about what's going on. "I'm getting upset, and I need you to do something about it," she orders. Well, that's productive. When he fails to jump, and in fact chuckles bitterly instead, she whimpers, "Do you not care?" I swear, she's like an ad for Boy Repellent in every traditional way I know of. I just do not understand this relationship. Aaron tells her that they're at the mercy of the driver, and they'll just have to "have faith that he knows where he's going." Over in their cab, Kris and Jon say basically the same thing, even using the same "mercy of the cab driver" expression. Maybe there's a sign on the back of the driver's seat that says that -- "Remember, You Are At The Mercy Of Your Driver" -- and they're just taking the hint.
First to the car factory is Hornio, and they hustle into their uniforms and start for the painting. Hayden and Aaron are close behind. Rebecca, meanwhile, tells El Hornio that she thinks she had a former life as an auto body mechanic, and he responds that he feels like Michael Keaton in Gung Ho. Boy, there's a reference you don't hear every day. Apparently, El Hornio watches a lot of Comedy Central. And then Rebecca tells him, "Nice long strokes." Well, it's no Chuck and Millie yelling that they can't get off, but I'll take it in a pinch, not that I think it's likely to help in the case of El Hornio specifically. Hayden and Aaron also start in painting their car. Nuance and Kris and Jon bring up the rear pulling into the factory. They run in, and are not happy to see two teams already painting. There is a lot of "go, baby" as everyone suits up for the task, but of course, there is always a lot of "go, baby." It is sort of the Go Baby Season. Spraying ensues. Hornio is the first team to finish, and they get their clue and get an instruction to head for the Terra Cotta Warriors Museum. As Phil explains, there is a clay army at this museum, made up of almost 7,000 statues. The clay guys are "the greatest archeological discovery of the twentieth century." (Zron: "There will be a thirty-minute time penalty for every priceless, irreplaceable statue you break.") I've seen this museum on some show before, but I'll be damned if I can remember where I've seen it. I would have said it was on this show, but I guess not.
El Hornio compliments Rebecca on how cute she looked while painting, and they run outside and hop back into their cab. Rebecca prattles on for a bit about how happy she was to finish ahead of Hayden and Aaron for once. And she likes being in first, and that never happens! And then she kisses El Hornio. Ew. And now he's all painty, too, and his horns are getting all kinds of long now that he hasn't had them...filed, or whatever, in quite some time.
Hayden and Aaron finish their car . They get their clue and leave, but not before Hayden makes it clear to the guy handing them their clue that he's not doing it fast enough. And what I love is that when she decides the guy is lollygagging, her response is to whine, "Aaron," as if he's going to punch the clue guy or throw him into a wall or something. I mean, he doesn't seem to speak Chinese any more than she does, so I'm not sure what he's supposed to do about it, but anyway. "Fast, fast, fast, fast," Hayden orders their cab driver as Aaron notes that they're pretty close on the Hornio heels. (Hornio would look awesome in heels, by the way.) Speaking of which, Hornio is currently losing their Very Special Lead to a Very Special Government Motorcade, and yes, I think all of us in attendance were thinking it was probably that crazy President of Senegog again.
Commercials. Man, I have grown to hate Vince Vaughn. Everything started out so well in Swingers.
When we return, Hornio is still stuck in traffic in their lonely little cab, lamenting the fact that Aaron and Hayden are now either behind them in the bunched-up mess, or "went a different way." As it turns out, it's the second one. And they way they went is "different" in the same way that a guy who wears a Boba Fett figurine around his neck and sleeps on a bed of comic books and only eats Cap'n Crunch is "different." Because in the Aaron/Hayden cab, she is lamenting that 35 minutes of driving around has, so far, not netted them anything. They're clearly not convinced that their guy knows where he's going. And Hayden points out that it isn't a "frickin' leisurely stroll." That's right -- Hayden is serious about competition! Hayden doesn't believe in lollygagging! Hayden is intense! Just something to remember.
Back at the factory, Kris and Jon finish the car-painting first, leaving Nuance in last place. My pretty, pretty favorite team runs out and jumps into their cab. In the back seat, Kris frets more than is traditional for her about the fact that Hornio and Hayden and Aaron were well ahead of them in getting to the Detour, and she doesn't understand why her cab drivers are always so pokey. Finally, Nuance manages to finish the car and get going, but they are Currently In Last Place. They get in their cab, and despite not being certain that they're communicating with their cabbie, they take off. There is certainly a lot of gambling on your cabbie going on today.
Finally, Hornio's traffic situation loosens. But as it does, Kris and Jon have a rare stroke of positive taxi luck as their driver actually maneuvers around the traffic, passing, among other people, Hornio itself. Kris and Jon congratulate their driver, undoubtedly feeling kind of bad about all the wicked things (like, "Darn him!") that they were thinking a minute or two ago.
Elsewhere, on a drier, sandier, more thoroughly confused planet, Hayden orders Aaron to "make him [the taxi driver] go." Which, again, is awesome, because apparently, Aaron is the enforcer now. She gives instructions, and he's the muscle that carries them out. I do feel some fleeting sympathy for Hayden when she points out the window and indignantly points out that they're being passed by a bus. Heh. Being passed by a bus is indeed never good. Interestingly, Nuance is beginning to think their driver may be lost, too. "This guy's killing us," Freddy laments as he looks at his own lap in slo-mo. Must be quite a bit down there to admire.
Kris and Jon and Hornio both pull up at the museum at essentially the same time, and they both run for the entrance booth. Apparently, the clue tells them to head for "pit number one," so both teams are asking for assistance to get some idea of where that might be. Hornio snags tickets first. When they get inside, El Hornio actually takes a moment to appreciate how cool the clay army is (man, just typing "clay army" makes me envision...many, many things I just don't want to think about), so that's good. Not seeing any flags, they take off hunting for the pit. Kris and Jon are on their way in, but ultimately, El Hornio spots the flag, and after doing his best to scamper past a lot of tourists in the most polite way possible, he and Rebecca manage to pull the clue first. They run away to try to conceal the location of the clue from Kris and Jon, who are indeed on their way in and presumably are smart enough to say, "Excuse me, Chinese person, have you seen a guy running by with little ponytail horns like this?" And then there would be a hand gesture. I'm only sorry it didn't go that far. When they're out of the way, El Hornio reads the clue, which tells them to head for Mount Hua, 70 miles away. Phil explains that when they get there, they'll get another clue.
It does appear that Kris and Jon are successfully diverted by Hornio's decision to fake them out, as Kris seems to be looking for the flag where she saw Hornio. So that makes this Hornio's first good strategic decision of the entire race. Congratulations, Hornio! Outside, Hornio gets in a cab, and Rebecca then engages in a bit of self-congratulation for this, their first piece of good gameplay since the opening bell.
In the Nuance cab, Freddy declares his driver a "total buffoon" as the driver gets out to ask some directions. When the driver returns, Freddy adds "dumb-ass" to his list of diplomatic insults. Oh, Nuance, you're so happy you stole that cab now, aren't you? Things are going even worse for Hayden and Aaron, however, as they actually stop and exit the cab at a place that doesn't turn out to be the right museum.
Back at the clay warriors, Kris and Jon finally make their way to the clue box and get the clue. On their way out, they run into an arriving Nuance. My favorite part is where Kendra asks Freddy if they have to dig. Hee hee. Yeah, you'll be digging all around the priceless artifacts. Out in the Kris and Jon cab, meanwhile, they talk about how cool the museum was and how sad they are that they didn't get to spend more time looking at it. Back in the museum, it turns out that Kendra and Freddy went all the way around the wrong way as well, which may have been what Kris and Jon did. They get their clue and head for Mount Hua. Their cab driver, the same one they have already called a dumb-ass, says he knows. They take his word for it. Hee hee.
Hayden and Aaron stop and ask for directions to the Terra Cotta Warriors again, and they're directed that they can in fact walk from where they are, so they hop out. Apparently, their driver wasn't quite as wrong as it seemed like he was for a while. "That was a nightmare, that taxi ride," Hayden says. They go inside and make their way to the clue box. As they're leaving, she declares that there's no way she's getting back in the taxi they had before. "I refuse," she says. But Aaron presses for the gamble, so they get right back in the taxi in which they've just had such a horrible experience. Aaron is sure that it will take longer to deal with getting a new one and they're going to lose if they don't just go. Which I guess depends on just how much you think your cab driver sucks, which is always a delicate calculation.
Hornio is feeling its oats as El Hornio declares that they're going to be number one today -- he just has a feeling. A feeling deep in his soul. Deep in his gut. Deep in his horns. Rebecca orders him not to jinx them, says, "Knock on wood," and knocks on his head. She is such a weird combination of Contemporary Ass-Wiggling Crazy Girl and Girl Who Saw Too Many Episodes Of Things With Sid Caesar In Them.
In the Kris and Jon cab, they're listening to their driver talk on the cell phone, and talking in a sort of idle way about how Chinese sounds very "forceful" to them, and it sounds very different from English. To Jon, it always sounds like they're in an argument. Of course, I would say that most cab drivers on cell phones always sound to me like they're in an argument, but Jon is chalking it up to the fact that he can't understand any Chinese. As he points out, it's got much less in common with English than, say, Italian or French. "Chinese is not a Germanic language," Kris says with understatement. She turns to him. "Babe-I-love-you!" she says in a "forceful" manner. "Could-you-please-fetch-me-some-water!" he barks back, and they laugh. I'd be a lot more likely to be tut-tutting if (1) they weren't far more respectful to people in other countries than practically any other team ever; and (2) I weren't familiar with wondering who the cab driver is yelling at and why when he's not speaking English. I mostly think it's awesome that she chose "Babe, I love you" as her sample sentence.
Hornio is the first to arrive at the mountain. They buy their tickets at the entrance, and then they hop on the shuttle, where they buy shuttle tickets separately. They fret over the possibility that the other teams will catch up with them if the shuttle doesn't take off pretty soon, here. They are such a weird combination of hapless and sort of un-stompable. It's like you can knock them over, and they just keep popping up again. It's an annoying quality, but one that sometimes gets people a long way in life.
And here come Kris and Jon! Woot! They get their entrance tickets, and much to Hornio's dismay, they hop on the same shuttle, so these teams will be heading for the base of the mountain together. The shuttle leaves. There is a Kris and Jon smooch. There is no Hornio smooch. I wonder if that means anything.
Nuance arrives at the mountain. They hop on the shuttle, and the shuttle takes off.
Ohhh, Hayden and Aaron. Their driver is clearly lost again. "Aaron, we need a new cab," she declares. Aaron responds by ordering her out of the cab. They hop out, and she approaches some other folks and shows them the clue. When it turns out that the cabbie was headed the wrong way, Hayden starts yelling at him -- in English, probably not very helpfully -- about how he screwed them and was driving the wrong direction and whatnot. I don't think he's going to head home and cry about it, to tell you the truth. They try to storm off with their packs, but the driver wants money. Aaron tries to walk away, but the driver grabs his pack. They're sort of out in the middle of nowhere, incidentally, so it's not clear to me how they're going to get another cab, but they seem to be very much finished with this driver. Once they get away from the driver, Hayden starts to take the whole thing out on Aaron, hitting him with a long and sarcastic snot about how she doesn't know how he intends to get anywhere now that he...sent their cab away, just like she…said to when she said they needed a new cab. Apparently, she wasn't sincere. Aaron takes it as long as he can, but it's a little too much that she's doing this while he's carrying her pack. Hee. Thus, he says, "You know what, Hayden? Take your bag." And he tosses it at/to her. Awesome. Because if you're going to bitch, you can at least manage your own luggage. I mean, I think I can get behind that.
Commercials. I hate that you can have a news update in the middle of the show, and it doesn't say anything about the gay penguins that are currently my favorite news story. What of the gay penguins, WCCO?
We return to see Hayden and Aaron still sort of in the same middle-of-nowhere location, still arguing over what to do . They find a new cab, and once they're inside, she snorfles, "You're not upset right now at all?" "You know what?" he says. "If we're out of it, we're out of it." He adds, "There are more important things in life than any amount of money." And for a minute, I think he's going to say, "Like bouncing you the hell out of my taxi onto the pavement," but he goes for the huggy-boo route instead. Good one, dude. Way to make sure she keeps acting like that for the rest of her fucking life. She's all, "Oh, it doesn't matter, I'm sorry," as if she hasn't already apologized for being basically exactly the same way about six times. At some point, repetition is the bugaboo of the sincerity of your apology.
The lead shuttle gets to the mountain, and Hornio and Kris and Jon head for the gondolas. Nuance actually makes it onto the same gondola run, so now you're looking at a three-way tie. In a reference I kind of...don't get, Kendra compares the gondolas to being in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But don't email me, because I don't care. And every time I say that, someone emails me anyway, so I'm saying, don't. It's Kendra. I don't care.
These three teams get to the top of the mountain, and Kris and Jon and Hornio run up a hill. Turns out to be the wrong hill. Now that will make you tired. Neither team is happy to see that they've expended a lot of unnecessary effort, but they both get on the right path eventually. However, for not making that mistake, Nuance has moved itself into first place, and they are the first to get to the clue box at the top of North Peak. They pull a Roadblock clue, and it asks, "Which one of you is more methodical?" Oy. Phil explains that each clue comes with a "unique key," and the person who does the Roadblock has to take that key and find the lock that it opens -- out of a possible 3000 padlocks hanging along a rope. Oh, hello, hay bale luck! The locks are supposedly symbols of the eternal love of visiting couples. Pfft. I guess it beats Valentine's Day. (Booo, Valentine's Day!) The only thing I like about this Roadblock is that the person who gives you your clue at the end is called the "keymaster." Meaning, I guess, that he will eventually be tackled by Jeremy Piven, who will be yelling, "I LOVE YOU, MAN!"
Kendra takes the Roadblock, and she starts working her way through the locks. Truly a suck task. Here come Kris and Jon, and she takes the Roadblock. "Good luck, sugar!" he calls. "Sugar," hee. When Hornio comes, Rebecca takes the Roadblock, and El Hornio assures her that a monkey could do this task. Oh, monkeys. So maligned. As Rebecca and Kendra work to each other, Kendra asks whether Rebecca saw Aaron and Hayden, and Rebecca reports that she didn't.
But here are Aaron and Hayden after all, pulling up at the mountain and looking for the shuttle. They buy entrance tickets, and then Hayden bitches at a bunch of locals, being unforgivably rude as she demands to know about the shuttle and treats them like they're idiots just because they don't understand her when she's speaking English in China. God. "Aaron, I cannot take it," she finally declares. "Where is the damn bus?"
In a moment I actually thought was sort of endearing for two chicks I don't like a whole lot, Kendra and Rebecca trade off a little dance where they're sort of going, "Lock and key, woo, woo! Lock and key, woo, woo!" That's probably what I would be tempted to do after a while, only the song would have less "woo" and more swearing. I think mine would be set to the tune of "She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain," only it would be called, "Oh, The Lock And Key Can Bite Me, Yes They Can." El Hornio, of course, bitches at Rebecca, not understanding that you sort of have to get through 3000 fucking locks any way you can, and if she needs a break, she should probably take one. His smackdown causes Rebecca to refer to him as "the key Nazi." Which is tacky, because I'm not such a fan of casual Nazi references (which makes it much less entertaining to read my email every day), but still a little funny.
Elsewhere, Kris has figured out that the key is going to go into one of a bunch of larger locks, and not any of a bunch of little ones. Kendra has found the same thing. El Hornio is yelling at Rebecca, unsurprisingly. She declares that she has to be "very Zen." By which she means, "Taking the time to bitch-slap El Hornio at this moment would only slow me down."
As Zach and Flo -- I mean, "Hayden and Aaron" -- look for the bus at the bottom of the hill, she declares herself "this close to quitting." And under my version of the rules, this would result in immediate disqualification, because shut up. Finally, they are directed to the bus, but it turns out to be the wrong one, and Floden turns to Aaron all, "Figure it out." They get off the bus, as he voices over, "I hate China." And then he flings his backpack, because it is totally the luggage's fault. ["I think it was that or box Hayden's ears. I admire his restraint. Well, in theory. In practice: box 'em, son." -- Sars]
As they work along the row of locks, Kris asks Kendra if her finger is getting sore, and the two agree that this task completely sucks. "Some of these locks are from, like, the year 2," Kendra says, which makes me laugh, even though it shouldn't.
In the Aaron/Floden shuttle, he's now explaining that he doesn't really feel like doing it anymore, either, because he isn't having any fun at all at this point.
Back at the top of the hill, El Hornio tries to convince Rebecca that it's fun. Suddenly, Kris makes the lock turn -- woot! Go, go, my favorite team! They get their clue as he's all, "You rock." All boys should say "you rock." (And study The Big Easy. I'm building up quite a list of demands, I realize.) They pull the clue, which tells them to head down the mountain and travel by bus to Xi'an, where they'll find the South Gate of the Xi'an Wall, where the pit stop is. And this time, Phil will tell you that the last team that shows up is indeed going to be eliminated. "I love this game!" Jon yells excitedly as they run down. "It rocks," Kris agrees. They're going to Disneyland! What especially sucks is that Freddy then sits up on the mountain saying that Kris and Jon have this great luck, as if they didn't spend the entire leg and parts of this one getting fucked by cab drivers. I mean, in the individual situation, I see his point, but overall? Please. As Rebecca bitches about how good Kris and Jon must have been in a life, El Hornio snarks, "Don't think about them -- they're busy making out on the gondola." Hee hee.
Cut to Kris and Jon, with him smooching her hand in the gondola. It's not all that often I get a chance to say that El Hornio has a point, but he does. Jon raves in a voice-over that Kris operates really well under pressure, as she did there. As they get to the bottom and hop out of the gondola, they run into an approaching Aaron and Floden, who have arrived at last. Aaron says (I think) that seeing Jon and Kris gave him a small flicker of hope. He and Floden hop into a gondola as Kris and Jon speed off in the shuttle. Yay! Go, my favorite team, go!
At the top of the mountain, Kendra gets to the end of the locks and discovers that she apparently missed her lock, so she has to start all over again. And Rebecca actually has the same problem. So this is where it isn't pure luck, because if they missed the lock, then it wasn't a crapshoot; they were probably not as careful as they could have been. When Freddy starts to give advice about going through the locks slowly and carefully, Kendra yells at him, to no one's surprise. ["In her defense (…I know), he had that creepy Dad States The Obvious tone going again. Shut it, Professor Higgins." -- Sars] Finally, Kendra manages to remove her lock from the rope, so they're off. As Freddy and Kendra are leaving, Floden and Aaron are arriving at the Roadblock. "Oh, you got your work cut out for you guys," Freddy says. And I'm sure that really helped the morale situation. Floden takes the Roadblock, as I believe it was calculated that she had to. As she gets going, Aaron points out the obvious, which is that if Floden can undo the lock before Hornio, they'll be right back in the game. Meanwhile, Nuance laments the possibility that everyone might wind up on the same bus to Xi'an, making it a pure footrace.
Elsewhere, however, Kris and Jon find their way onto a bus to Xi'an that leaves without anyone else, even though it looks like Nuance arrives sort of right as they're going. Nuance finds a new bus, though, so they're on their way as well, not far behind my favorite team. And Nuance is in a purple bus to match Kendra's bandanna, which she isn't even wearing. Go, my favorite team, go! On the bus, Kendra whines that she needs a hug, so Freddy pulls her into his lap. Oh, honestly. I'm not against the hugging, but the pouting is more than a little putrid.
Back up on the mountain, Floden and Rebecca are still locked (hee) in combat. But wait -- Floden gets her key stuck. She pulls and she complains and she yanks and she flips out, and eventually, she breaks the key off in the lock. Ah, well. There's some karma for you. It's Flo-licious.
Commercials. Things that don't go together for me in a movie? Passion and James Garner. I'm just saying.
When Floden reports to Aaron that her key broke, she asks him what the clue says about what to do if you need another key. To my surprise, there actually are such instructions, which say to head for the reception desk at a nearby hotel. Aaron and Floden take off walking. El Hornio urges Rebecca to take advantage of the opportunity to improve their lot.
In Xi'an, Kris and Jon hop out of their bus and grab a cab. Nuance, meanwhile, does the same. Freddy insists they can still finish first.
Mountain. Rebecca is still trying locks. Floden and Aaron are getting a replacement key. El Hornio is still haranguing Rebecca about her key technique, and she's threatening to throw him off the mountain. Well, that's nicely circular, since he habitually offers to off himself. Floden and Aaron return, as she complains that she's "had nine panic attacks today." (I'm saying, Boy Repellent.) Aaron explains that it's very difficult for him not to be able to jump in and do anything about Floden's obvious meltdown. What's interesting is that Rebecca is complaining a lot, but her attitude is still pretty positive. It's like she's burning off all the frustration by commenting over and over again about how she's in hell, and she thinks this is your afterlife punishment if you're bad...she seems to be coping, which is more than I can say for Floden.
Kris and Jon pull up to the pit stop. But Freddy and Kendra do, too. Kris and Jon, running. Kendra and Freddy, running. And -- my favorite team! Yay! They're in first place. I love that. They land on the mat. Welcomed to Xi'an as team number one, they smooch, and are awarded a Caribbean vacation. Jon declares that finishing in the top three was their goal for the day, so they're ready to go on.
Nuance lands as team number two. Congratulations, welcome to the final three. Freddy says that he promised Kendra final three. Well, that was smart. And necessary, because you only accomplish things when boys promise you that you can have them. Boys give you presents, and also make you good at things. Yay!
On the mountain, Rebecca is grousing about how long she's been at it, as El Hornio talks about the frustration of the fact that Floden could theoretically open her lock at any time, even though he and Rebecca have been there longer. There is some talk within both teams about the fact that it's now about 6:30, and they're supposed to finish the task by 7:00, because that's when the last gondola heads down the mountain. Rebecca laments that after this experience, she will "never be a hand model." See, those are the moments when I think she would be an okay girl to hang out with when she's not drowning in her incredibly dysfunctional relationship. Floden asks Rebecca if she's bleeding, and Rebecca confirms that she is. Aaron, temper getting the better of him, manhandles a sign as he waits for Floden to be done. Floden, meanwhile, tells Aaron that she's "this close to just stopping." I know I'm shocked. Aaron tells her that they've apparently been told it will be a four-hour penalty if they quit the Roadblock, and any decision she makes is okay. El Hornio tells Rebecca that he disagrees -- she'd better keep going. And...not to do it again, but rock on, El Hornio. Quitting is for quitters. Floden gases on for a while about how frustrated she is, and then she abruptly declares, "I'm done." It appears that just as Floden and Aaron quit, Rebecca gets the karmic payoff she thoroughly deserves and gets the key to turn. They run off and get their clue, and Aaron throws his pack again. Floden declares that they're taking the penalty for not completing the Roadblock, and then they go and get their clue. She doesn't even deserve to be called Floden, really, considering that Flo never actually quit. Yee-gads. Aaron and Floden are all huggy-bug as they prepare to head for the pit stop, because of course he's telling her that her behavior is just fine, just like he always does, which is why she keeps doing it. Bleeeargh. They ride the gondola down, and he tells her that it's all fine and she didn't lose it for them, even though she totally did, and she did it after haranguing him all day long about everything that didn't go the way they wanted. He tells her that life will go on, which really has nothing to do with how ass it is to quit.
Aaron and Floden and Hornio wind up running for the pit stop together, actually, and when Floden and Aaron step up, they find that they are indeed getting a four-hour penalty for failing to do the Roadblock. Of course, it was 24 hours when it was Momily, but whatever. This season is about nothing if not making sure that nothing you do fully knocks you out of the race except for a random and meaningless mistake fifty-two minutes into the show. So Floden and Aaron are out, and Hornio is in.
Floden opines on the mat that she let her partner down. Which she did. And then he goes on to say that he couldn't have asked for a better partner, so apparently he doesn't even care if you fucking bail, so that's totally ass of him also. And then after they smooch, he says he has something to ask her. And I really can't recap what comes , except to say that it's probably the first time I've ever loudly booed a marriage proposal. BOOOOO! El Hornio stands there blinking, like, "Dude." Like a kitty caught in the headlights, if you will. And Phil says, "Wow," because what else can you say? So Floden says yes, and they'll get married, and he thinks she's great, and people are so goddamn goofy sometimes that I honestly can't believe it, but bully for them, I suppose. She interviews about blah blah blah, together forever, and I officially have a heart filled with motor oil, because I just absolutely do not care.
The palate-cleansing visages of my favorite team come up , as Kris talks about how they have everything it takes to finish first on the (and, obviously, final) leg. And Kendra says that "it's a new race now," and she and Freddy will be better than ever. With, hopefully, less whining about other cultures as we get closer to the United States. El Hornio says that now, it's win time. A little montage of teams promising that they're going to work their hardest to win goes by, and then it's time for the break.
Commercials. That thing with Gladys Knight playing rugby is just wrong.
When we return, we are in Xi'an, which Phil says is "rich in history," and used to be the capital. And then there's the eight-mile wall that was the pit stop. Well, not the entire wall, probably, although come to think of it, I kind of wouldn't be surprised to see El Hornio eating and sleeping at one end and Rebecca mingling at the other.
5:27 AM. Kris and Jon, still my favorite team just as much as they were yesterday, are ready to go. They are visor-less this morning, which emphasizes the fact that if a cuter boy has ever been on this show, I've certainly never seen him. The clue refers to starting "the journey home," and tells them to start by heading to Honolulu, Hawaii. Phil explains that this 5600-mile trip to Honolulu will lead to a drive to a state park where they'll get a clue. Kris absolutely beams as she reads the clue that says they have $200 for the leg. Phil explains also that local law doesn't let you book international departures from the airport, so they'll have to reserve through a local travel agent or a business center before they go to the airport. Kris and Jon head back to their hotel, as they voice over some more about winning, and about the new focus on that rather than on not being eliminated. Back at the hotel, they learn that the business center isn't open yet, and they start to call travel agents to see if they can book their tickets.
6:46 AM. Nuance. (How much ass did Kris kick on that lock-and-key thing, people?) Of course, Princess Kendra is very happy about heading for Hawaii, which is so pleasantly touristy and won't require her to associate with the icky people who live in other countries anymore. Oh, and she voices over that they won't be "the sweet, nice people that [they] have been." Oh, dude. That was so funny I almost popped an artery. Kendra isn't going to be so nice anymore? Holy Geneva conventions, Batman. When they get back to the hotel, Kris and Jon are still there, so they've apparently killed quite a bit of time at the hotel desk trying to book the damn tickets. Freddy gets on the phone and starts making calls, just as Kris and Jon decide that this sucks, and they're going to head for the travel agent. They go outside and hop in a cab, and I am so nervous about that decision. Oy.
Back at the hotel, Freddy gets a busy signal from the travel agent and has to dial again. Kris and Jon get to the travel agent, but when they get there, they have trouble communicating. Both teams continue to struggle, and ultimately, Kris and Jon find the language barrier with the travel agent too much to overcome, and they return to the hotel, where Freddy and Kendra are -- wouldn't you know it -- already getting tickets by hitting the business center. Luck of the impromptu diplomats! They get a guy to help them look at the computer, and he tells them that there's a 9:00 AM flight out of Xi'an, connecting through Osaka. They'll get into Honolulu at 9:40 in the morning. He also tells them that it will take about an hour to get to the airport, so Freddy notes that they need to get moving. They take off for the airport.
Kris and Jon come back to the business center, but it's too late for them to hit the 9:00 out, and that will put them on a 10:30 flight connecting through Tokyo, getting them into Honolulu at 9:45 AM. So that's a relief, at least. They book it.
Nuance shows up at the airport and runs inside. They make the 9:00 AM flight, but when they high-five over their victory, she's like, "Ow." Because Princess Kendra is too delicate for high-fives. Oh, man. That makes me appreciate Rebecca. She's a little goofy, but at least you don't break the bones in her hand by handing her a fucking beer. And that's not even counting what you would do to her if the beer had a twist-off cap. ["Girl, please. Like Kendra drinks beer." -- Sars] Nuance finds itself the only team on the first flight out of Xi'an, so that probably feels good. Kris and Jon then get to the airport, and they get on their flight to Tokyo.
Hornio leaves at 11:20 AM. No kidding, it's 11:20 AM. They finished six hours behind Kris and Jon. Rebecca says that the key to the leg will be not fighting. So, you know, wish them luck. They go to book tickets, and they get a flight out of Xi'an at 1:00, going through Osaka and landing in Honolulu at 11:00 AM. So they've made up all but a little over an hour of their delay already. They get in the car and head for the airport, and Rebecca comments how their driver "is bad-ass," and "you can say anything to this guy, and he has no clue." Normally, I don't really condone making fun of the non-English-speaking, but when Rebecca takes El Hornio by the shoulders and amiably grins, "He has three testicles!", it's a little bit funny. And indeed, the driver smiles agreeably. They hop out at the airport, run down the hall, and board their plane. Rebecca hopes out loud for a bunching point shortly.
When Nuance lands in Osaka, they decide to try for a better flight to Honolulu. They finally find one, and they take themselves down to the gate. In an incredibly weird twist I wouldn't believe if someone at my table hadn't told me it once happened to him, the gate agent tells them that there are seats on the plane, but there's no meal for them. Of course, Nuance says they don't need a meal, it's fine, but...nothing doing. They literally will not let you on the plane if they don't have the hockey puck of chicken or whatever to feed you. It's sort of ironic that you can't get a meal on a plane in the U.S. anymore unless you pay five dollars for a sandwich that's built like a brick. It's "against company policy." "Please," Kendra says, "I have a sick child in Honolulu, and I have to get to her." Still hate that crap. Again, not because I think it's some enormous moral problem, but because I don't want to watch that kind of show, which will be boring and reward all the wrong things. Kendra cries, and she and Freddy beg, but the guy tells them it's company policy. Freddy laments their situation, and he thinks I'm going to care, which I don't. I don't really want anybody to get a three-hour lead, but especially not them.
In Tokyo, meanwhile, Kris and Jon are also trying to get a better flight to Honolulu. They find a flight that's earlier, but it only has one economy seat available. So that's a big no on that.
Nuance is boarding their flight to Honolulu, it appears, just as Hornio is landing, so Hornio makes a dash for the Nuance flight. But would you like to know why they can't, even though they don't have bags to check or anything? Oh, yeah. No meals. Apparently, this meal thing is a major issue when you fly from Japan to Honolulu. Maybe people get hungry and start fights. The gate agent agrees to try to get Hornio on, though. Ooooh, tension!
Commercials. Yeah, unless Dr. Phil is going to do something with lions and the rubbing of certain people with raw meat, I'm not watching.
When we return, Hornio learns that...no, they will not be getting on the same flight with Nuance. El Hornio does some yelling and some haranguing and some screeching and some complaining, but nothing doing, because they can't get on the flight. As Rebecca walks off embarrassed, he lectures the gate agent that she's "mean," even asking her whether she knows the word. Oh, and she's also "very cold." I'm sure he's breaking her heart. She's going to go home and draw a little sketch of him, complete with horns, and stare at it wistfully, remembering the guy who broke the news to her that she's "cold." Poor, poor, airline lady. The Nuance flight leaves.
In Tokyo, the Kris and Jon flight leaves as well. And then finally, the Hornio flight leaves. "If we catch up, we're going to win," a suddenly confident El Hornio declares. At 9:30 AM, Nuance lands, and they find their way to a marked car. They drive away from the airport as Princess Kendra rejoices in how great everything is in Hawaii. Kris and Jon land at 9:45, and they agree to "haul ass" as they run through the airport. Once in their car, they update us that they're not sure where everybody else is, though they suspect at least Freddy and Kendra of being slightly ahead of them.
Speaking of Nuance, they have a natural first-place high as they arrive at the state park. Currently in first place, they find their way to the clue box, which is a Detour. The choices here are Outfits and Outriggers. In Outfits, you drive ten miles to a clothing distributor, and choose a pair of mannequins. You then search through racks that can hold 165,000 articles of clothing until you find the ones that match your mannequin. You put them on, and then you get your clue. In Outriggers, you drive six miles to a canoe club and paddle it down a two-mile course. Phil promises that the paddling "will be difficult." In the Nuance car, Freddy says he wants to paddle, but doesn't want to "kill" the Princess. The Princess says they can paddle, it's all right. I'm sure she can do it without breaking a sweat. Or a nail. ["Or popping an implant. Yeah, I said it." -- Sars]
Hornio, already dejected, gets into a car at the Honolulu airport.
Kris and Jon get to the Detour clue box. When they first pull it, she wants to do the Outrigger, but Jon notes that it's raining, and it will be a pain in the ass, and he also thinks 2.5 miles in a canoe is a long fucking way. So they, shockingly, decide to try the Outfits. (Entire bar full of fans: "NOOOOOOO!")
Nuance is accompanied by very relaxed and thoroughly stereotypical Don-Ho-style music as they look for the Outrigger option. I only wish this meant they were destined for an afternoon of lollygagging. Freddy tries out about ten different pronunciations for a particular street name before he hits on one that he likes. Heh. Kris and Jon, meanwhile, have found the clothing warehouse, and when they get inside, they select a pair of outfits that they actually pause to genuinely admire. Hee. They start eliminating entire giant racks of clothes that look nothing like theirs, so it looks like they're not going to really have to look through 165,000 things or anything of that sort.
Nuance arrives at Outriggers. They take off canoeing. "You're killing me, honey," Freddy remarks. She doesn't know why. "You just threw water on me," he clarifies. She's not sure why he's making a big deal out of it, because apparently, she would never complain under the same circumstances. Ha ha ha, awesome. Can you imagine a splashed Princess? Actually, I think I will stop and imagine it right now. For a few minutes. I might need some popcorn.
Jon moves racks of clothes past Kris, who checks to make sure none of them are the right ones. Soon, she hollers out for him to stop, and when he does, she has located the shirt they need. Ruthless efficiency! They start in looking at dresses.
Nuance is paddling, and the Princess is waving to some of the Hawaiian commoners on shore. Freddy asks her not to "wear [her]self out," and she's all irritated, because oh, he never lets her have any fun, blah blah blah. Being the Princess is so haaaaaard.
Kris continues rejecting dresses. That demanding bitch.
"Paddle for a million bucks!" the Princess yells. My, she's a bad-ass, isn't she? Yaawwwwwn.
Hornio pulls the Detour. They decide to hit the canoes.
Kris finds her dress, and they throw on the clothes and collect their clue. And they rule all, and I love them, and they are my favorite team in at least three seasons. In terms of sheer unadulterated ass-kicking positivity toward the universe, they might be my favorite team ever. And we even get a little taste of the Horns of Perseverance as they finish the task. Aw! The clue they get tells them to take a ride to Kamaka Air, at an airport about five miles away. They take off and head for the airfield.
Nuance is still paddling. But look, they're done! They hop out and get their clue sending them to Kamaka Air. So now, Nuance and Kris and Jon are racing to the clue box. First there is my favorite team! Yay! When they open the clue, it's a Roadblock, and specifically it's one that requires the Roadblocker to skydive with an instructor and hit a sandbar, where they'll find a clue. Kris and Jon are so excited about the Roadblock that she jumps up on him, even though he's the one going. I've spent so much time looking at all these other teams that it's very disorienting seeing people happy in situations that don't involve putting the screws to any other teams.
Nuance is on its way to the airport as well, but they're a little lost, and Freddy thinks they've missed it. "Dammit," he says. Oh, Nuance frustration. I only wish I thought it was going to last.
Commercials. Dear Will Smith: I would so love it if you would do something I could like again. Love, Miss A.
Honolulu. Freddy and Kendra are struggling with the navigation, as Hornio gets in their canoe and paddles. Nuance makes it to the airport, and Freddy takes the Roadblock. Kris hops in a boat to watch Jon, who's about to jump.
Hornio paddles. They pull the Kamaka clue.
The Princess is also headed out on a boat, looking all Jackie-O and everything, to watch her boy jump out of the same plane as Jon. So, again, bunching fucks my favorite team. And up in the plane, Freddy gives some macho-ass bullshit to Jon about how it's just down to them racing each other to the finish line, and Jon makes some hook-'em horns, which I can almost forgive, just because there's really nothing you can do but be stupid when confronted with that kind of overly earnest gauntlet-throwing from the likes of Freddy the Bespectacled Goof. The plane circles. The girlfriends wait. Jon and his guy jump. And he actually yells "Sweet!" as he's jumping, because he's That Guy, in the fortunate sense that certain brands of That Guy are acceptable. Freddy pumps himself up in the plane, and then he's the to jump. What I love is that the Princess is totally waiting in the boat, like, "I don't get my feet wet," while Kris -- still in that adorable dress she picked up during the Detour -- is standing in the water up to her waist, because she has not forgotten that she is in fucking Hawaii, for God's sake, and there is no point in cooling her jets in the boat when she could be in the cool blue water. Jon finds her by the clue box, and they read the clue sending them to their final destination city -- back to Chicago. There, they'll take a train to the Water Tower, where they'll find another clue. They hop into their boat, and Jon talks about how great it was, and his girl just beams at him the entire time. They ouch-ouch-ouch their bare feet across the parking lot.
The Princess does not get out of the boat for Freddy. She is just maddening. She's in a fucking bathing suit and they're in Hawaii, and she stays in the boat. GAH! They read the Chicago clue, and she's all, "Wooo!", and she calls him "my little superman," which, yuck.
Hornio gets to the Roadblock, and El Hornio takes it.
Nuance takes off for the Honolulu airport, and Kris and Jon are on their way there as well.
El Hornio skydives. He screams like a little girl. Other news as events warrant, which they really don't once you become the Trailing Team in the last leg. He and Rebecca get their clue and head out.
Kris and Jon are the first to get to the airport. They ask for the fastest flight to Chicago. They are offered a flight out at 4:30, getting into Chicago at 5:43 in the morning. Kris asks whether that is the fastest way to Chicago in the airport, and the guy tells her it is. Nuance arrives at the airport. Kris and Jon take their tickets from the very friendly guy who sold them. When Nuance arrives, though, they walk up to United instead of walking up to American, and they learn that United leaves at 4:20 and gets in at 5:15. So, in keeping with their shitty luck over the last several legs, Kris and Jon's guy was full of shit. Of course, Freddy and Kendra merely do exactly what Kris and Jon did, which is demand to know that they have the fastest flight, but since they walked up to the right counter instead of the wrong one, that's their advantage right there. It certainly appears that had they walked up to American instead of United, the outcome would have been completely different, because they basically approached it exactly the same way.
On the Nuance/United Plane Of Really Good Luck, the Princess brags about the lead they're going to have if indeed Kris and Jon took the American flight, as it appears they did. Kris and Jon then board the American Flight Of Big Fat Liars (thanks, American Airlines, for fucking the ending!).
Oh, and Hornio arrives at the airport. They get a flight out that boards at 6:05, so they're still working that hour and a half or so that they've been trailing since they came in from China. Their flight takes off.
In Chicago, Nuance's flight lands ten minutes late, at 5:25 AM. Freddy and the Princess run through the airport. And then Kris and Jon's flight lands fifteen minutes early, at 5:30. As they get off the plane, Kris and Jon voice over that they found out from a lady on the plane that the United flight was earlier, and they figured that Freddy and the Princess were probably on it, but when they landed early, they hoped that they would be able to catch up. And...sure, could they have checked? They could have. But as a general matter, that's how teams buy tickets -- they ask for the fastest flight, and they usually get it. They don't usually assume that the ticket agent is lying to them about what flight is fastest.
Freddy and the Princess rush for the trains, and Kris and Jon do the same. The show makes it appear that Kris and Jon get on the same train as Nuance, so it should be a straight-up race, but I've heard some rumblings that people aren't really sure they got on the same train. And I wouldn't be surprised, because it isn't otherwise clear how Freddy and Kendra could get a big enough lead to make up for the bullshit she's going to pull in a few minutes when called upon to win a million dollars by eating two slices of pizza, not that I want to give anything away. Anyway, the teams arrive at their station and make their way out of the station. There is navigating on the streets of Chicago. Nuance, however, is first to reach the Water Tower, and to get the clue sending them by cab to Gino's East, a pizzeria where they both have to eat half of a deep-dish pizza. They get a cab right away, of course. Kris and Jon get the clue shortly thereafter, but they have trouble tracking down a cab. Of course.
Nuance gets to the pizzeria. The pizza turns out to be a big nothing, and they each have to eat all of two pieces. TWO. That's the last task. Is two pieces of pizza. A thirteen-leg race, and the last thing they do is eat two slices of pizza. These people really know how to build suspense. It's like...they could not think of one single other thing to do in Chicago, apparently. Nevertheless, the Princess struggles with the pizza, and she thinks it's disgusting. Because she can't do anything, pretty much, without complaining her precious ass off.
Commercials. Everyone loves Honey Bunches of Oats, even people who swim in them all day.
When we return to the pizzeria, the Princess is still complaining, and Freddy is still bitching at her. Kris and Jon are in their cab, and she's sitting on his lap, and she's happily babbling about how she can't imagine anything she'd rather eat at 7:15 in the morning than Gino's pizza. Hee. "It's like dinnertime in China," he deadpans. I'm telling you, that boy is a little bit stealth funny, and they don't show it.
The Princess finally finishes her pizza. It's two fucking pieces of pizza, and she has to make a goddamn production out of it, because she is that big of a spoiled brat. I will never forget Margarita telling me that she dug the fact that she was a lot of people's landmark female Racer, and she still is, and it's like I can physically see the ghost of her cringing at this display. Finally, the Princess chokes down her horrible, horrible pizza, and they get their clue, and it tells them to get a cab to the Ping Tom Memorial Park and follow the flags to the finish line. God. Someone save me from this ending, please.
Kris and Jon pull up outside when Nuance is just leaving. They head inside, and they eat. Surprisingly, they manage to eat pizza without acting like they're going to die.
In my favorite development in a grim last few minutes, Freddy stops a cop car and asks it to lead him and the Princess in their taxi to Ping Tom Memorial Park. "It's an emergency," he says. "What's the emergency?" the cop asks. Freddy, suddenly getting called on the shit he's been pulling for the entire trip, backs away as the Princess points out that you really can't do that shit with a police officer. Freddy admits it's a race, not a technical "emergency" in a police sense. They get in their cab. It would have been awesome if they'd gotten arrested.
Hornio lands. Who cares?
Nuance's cab calls for directions to Ping Tom.
Kris and Jon keep eating. Nuance needs more directions. Hornio gets a taxi to the pizza.
Kris and Jon finish eating and get the Ping Tom clue, so they head out. They get a cab, and their guy claims to know where the Ping Tom thing is, so that's deceptively promising.
Hornio eats pizza.
Nuance tries to get directions, but nobody knows where they're supposed to go. Hornio continues choking down pizza.
In a particularly obnoxious fake-bake, the show continues to pound the idea that Nuance is lost and that Kris and Jon are on the way to the park. Both of these teams pull up and stop at the entrance. Ugh. I don't mind the fake edit of the close ending, but it's very irritating when it's coming down to a really cool team and a really obnoxious team. I'm just not in the mood to be toyed with. Nuance is the first to get out and run. And then they're getting out and running. Freddy and Kendra run, and then Kris and Jon are running as well, but just as Kris and Jon get to a set of train tracks they have to cross, the bar comes down and they can't cross.
So, here come Freddy and the Princess, a weak-ass team that, over the course of the entire race, won all of one whole leg and featured a woman who never did one damn thing without complaining and embarrassed her entire country, and they're heading right for the mat, because it just wasn't a season where weak-ass hurt you very much. I think this victory is actually harder for me to swallow than Flo, in some ways. Flo was a harpy, but she never went out and basically accused poor countries of being really disgusting and intrusive, and that "breeding" shit? I mean, Flo went to Vassar. Say what you want about Flo, but she would have sooner died than spit out that kind of claptrap, even if she thought it, which I don't think she would have. And until the last couple of legs when she melted down, Flo knew what she was doing, and she actually did some work at airports and whatnot. And also, she was balanced out by Zach, whom I love, as opposed to by Freddy, who seems like pretty much of a blank slate, other than being pretty and having a nice laugh. It's just ridiculous. The entire season was very unsatisfying, dominated by endless fighting, pushing and shoving, asshole behavior, ugly Americans, the complete dominance of luck over skill, and just way too many people who were obnoxious and unpleasant to begin with and never got any better. And it's just the right ending, because this team manages to be both boring and offensive in a way that just makes the whole season feel like it never even happened and doesn't even count. And it kind of doesn't count, to me. A toy season, a toy ending, and a toy winning team that would be flattened in a heartbeat by Flo and Zach, let alone any of the teams that used to win back when it was an actual competition and not a parade of arguing whiners.
Anyway, Freddy and Kendra win, and everyone pretends to be happy, because what else are they going to do? Boo? Sure, booing is what I did, but they can't, really. I hate this. HATE. Oh, and the first thing the Princess does when she's done hugging Phil is blow kisses. I shit you not. Congratulations. You just won a million dollars, and I wouldn't be you for five times that much.
Anyway, so there's a lot of stupid and insipid interviewing, and I just really don't care. Gave our all, blah blah blah. Oh, and Freddy is "definitely worthy of having my children." So Freddy will be getting that uterus installed, apparently, because God knows she's not having the stretch marks. I've seen pregnant women, and the Princess is not doing it. ["She's not breast-feeding either. Yeah, I said it." -- Sars] They make out, and who cares? And you can hear the ding-ding-ding of the train bell in the background, so you know Kris and Jon are still waiting.
Speaking of whom, here are Kris and Jon. "It doesn't matter, because I have you," he tells her, and they smooch. And because that's the way they've acted on the entire thing, you can actually believe it and enjoy it, rather than thinking it's basically bullshit, as it seems to be from a woman who did nothing but snap at her boyfriend about how she wasn't going to tolerate the way he spoke to her for a straight month. "You've done a great job everywhere we went," Jon says. They giggle and make out. The train finally finishes passing, and they finally get to run to the mat. And the first things out of their mouths, of course, are an easy-to-distinguish, not-choked, "congratulations" to Freddy and the Princess. Bleh. Jon talks for a while about how much he loves Kris, but he really doesn't have to, because he acts like it, so you can tell already. She does the same, and it's the same, because they're just patently in love, which is an awfully nice thing to have (accidentally, I'm sure) included in this season full of idiots and gasbags and, in fairness, also a lot of nice people who all went out early.
Much, much later, here come El Hornio and Rebecca, whose presence in the top three just goes to show you that the season sucked ass. Because seriously. Consider past final threes. You're going to know I'm right. I don't hate them that much, but they're not very good at this. Oh, and she says she doesn't know if they're meant to be together forever. God. I KNOW. ASK ME. Feh.
There is hugging. Freddy and the Princess flap their yaps. She congratulates herself for all her triumphs, even though she basically sucks. Are we done?
Whew! We are. That was very disappointing. See you season! Note to producers: Please fix my show, which I would really, really like to love again. You're making me cry with this shit.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
Whew! We are. That was very disappointing. See you season! Note to producers: Please fix my show, which I would really, really like to love again. You're making me cry with this shit.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.