Previously on Zorber, The Geek: The other teams almost managed to leave the Twinkies behind at the airport like dog-eared copies of Us magazine that were read in six minutes at the gate and thrown down in disgust at the gate before pre-boarding even started, but those crafty twins weaseled onto a plane at the last minute and avoided -- or, you know, put off -- disaster. Colin and Christie argued about directions and maps and, according to Phil, their relationship reached "a new level." Oh, look. Phil is being ironic. The moms weren't sure they should sledge, but it turned out that they did a lot better with the whitewater than Brandon and Nicole did on their hands and knees in the mud. It also turns out that God helps those who help themselves take the Reckless task rather than the Chicken. I certainly hope that mud issues are gone for a while! Wouldn't want to see anybody get all muddy and frustrated again! That would be sad! Chip toyed with the Yield, but he ultimately decided not to throw it on the Twinkies. The universe scowled a contemptuous warning, and when Chip ate his oatmeal the morning, the individual oats spelled out, "TIME: USE IT, DUMMY." Ultimately, however, the Twinkies did not require Yielding, as a combination of their usual inept navigation and the always dangerous bad Detour choice put them far enough behind that they were phinally, phabulously Philiminated. So now, we are at the final four. Who will be eliminated...?
Credits. Wait, is that Trump's pretend plane in those pretend clouds? Because if he's in there, I want to thank him again for last week's firing. Which ruled. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Do you suppose Denzel Washington will make a movie I want to see, like, ever again? Because at this point, if you decide not to invest in his "One Man With A Gun Takes On the System And Threatens People On The Phone" oeuvre, it starts to feel like you'll never see him in a movie again. Come back to me, Denzel.
Truly heavenly sun-kissed shots bring us back to what Phil describes as the "stunningly beautiful island nation" of New Zealand. (He leaves off the implied "if I do say so myself.") Phil reminds us, in case we aren't from Earth, that this is the gorgeous landscape that was used for The Lord of the Rings, The Lord Of The Rings II: Ringy-Ding-Ding, and The Lord of the Rings III: Paul Hamm Versus Harry Winston. Phil tells us that the "rolling hills" on which he and his blue shirt and unnecessarily high-waisted khakis are currently strolling served as the tenth pit stop. And there was a little eating, some sleeping, and a modicum of mingling. Aw, look, Brandon sleeps pretty. Phil wonders whether Colin and Christie will keep "breez[ing] past the competition," as we catch Christie apparently bragging about something or other, though it's hard to say what. You can just kind of tell. And, I mean, let's face it: she would. Finally, will Chip and Kim be able to hoist themselves out of last place?
4:56 AM. Leaving first again are Colin and Christie. Boooo-ring. Boooo-ring. This is so boooo-ring. Oh, sorry. Anyway, they rip their clue, and there's a big zorb in the background. Zorbs grow wild in these particular rolling hills, you see, and it's almost harvest time. Phil explains that the teams will have to drive 220 miles to the Westhaven Marina in Auckland. At the marina, they'll find a yacht called the Hydroflow, and on the yacht, they'll crank down a clue from up in the ropes and knots and grommets and thingies. What? I don't do boats. You're lucky I didn't say they were fetching it from the crow's nest. ["They weren't?" -- Sars] As they leave, Colin tells us that he and Christie "feel confident that there's no other team that's stronger" than they are. "Some of these other teams make a lot of stupid mistakes," he says. And he would, of course, never do that. In their SUV, Christie waves her hand dismissively as she talks about all their first place finishes. "That's 'cause everybody else suuuuucks!" she singsongs happily. Colin corrects her that "it's not just that the other teams suck" -- it's also how wonderful they themselves are, which he doesn't want her to leave out of her figuring. I doubt she would leave it out, I really do. What's most unfortunate about all this bragging they're doing is that if they're doing it this much right at the top of this leg, you can bet they do it fairly often. I think their pit stops are probably more like "eat, sleep, and lord your placement over everybody else."
I have no idea when the Bowling Moms leave, because my TV station is running an unending crawl of results from a set of state primaries that had less than 7 percent voter turnout. But anyway, they leave just as James L. Oberstar is kicking Michael H. Johnson's ass in U.S. House District 8, 87 to 13 percent, with 8 percent of precincts reporting. The teams are getting $120 for the leg, we discover. Karen discusses how happy they are about being in second place at this point, but trouble begins to brew as they get ready to go and Karen encourages Linda, who's going to be driving, to take a look at the map. "I already know where to go," Linda says, brushing Karen off. But then out on the road, Linda asks Karen whether she's on track in thinking that they need to go left. When Linda wants to be told whether she's got it right -- er, correct -- Karen tells her, "Linda, you didn't look at the map." "Karen, I looked at the freaking map!" Linda shrieks. Man, she would be so much easier to take if she retired the shriek. There is more bickering, and there's actually some shoving and poking between the front and back seats with the map, and this situation is not very Mom-like at all. I diagnose them both with early-stage Killer Fatigue: Hostility Variation. Linda tries to show Karen where they are, and she's all, "Look! Are you looking?" Yeah, they're ready for a nap. Linda wants to know if Karen's going to navigate or drive, and tells her that if she's not going to drive, she has to at least be willing to navigate. Which is right, but that doesn't mean she can't cooperate in looking at the map before they leave. And since she claimed to know where she was going, she...you know, should have known. "Tell me which way to go," Linda insists. "I don't know, Linda," Karen says. Sigh.
As Penny Steele is whomping ass all over James Baumgarten and Steve Gill in Hennepin County District 7, Brandon and Nicole are leaving the pit stop. Brandon says that when you're down to four teams, everybody wants it. Nicole adds that they're third, and they "don't want to be third." She says that they have to get serious. And fortunately, I am confident that Brandon will never be serious, which is a relief, because I would be enormously sad if he stopped being the frizzball rodeo clown that he is today. "We've gotta look for a big old yacht," Brandon says as they climb into the SUV.
As a wild seven-way race among Jeanne M. Anderson, Bill Deblon, Jim J. Frank, John T. Hall, Cindy Koosmann, Gary Kriesel, and Steven J. Meister heats up in Washington County District 3, Chip and Kim rip their clue and leave. Chip says that now that they're in last place, he's "not going to be diplomatic anymore." Well, I certainly hope not. In fact, one might argue that diplomacy was misplaced, had one ever read the rules of the show. Or the title of the show. Or noticed the running. "Forget friends," he says. "You can have friends later." Well...you can't, necessarily, but if you can't, they'll be the kind you don't need. The kind you can feel good about not having. The kind you will one day be grateful to have avoided. Like Colin. Not that I'm giving anything away.
Colin and Christie arrive at the Westhaven Marina. They park their SUV. They find the yacht and Colin heads over to "winch down [the] pulley," as he says it, trying to sound as much as possible like a bad-ass rather than a regular ass. And he does it, contrary to the instructions Phil gave, by just yanking the rope rather than turning the handle. Because at every turn, he has to remind you that he is special. ("Hulk not need crank. Eat crank! Eat crank!") Surprisingly, when they bring down the clue, it's an early Roadblock. The clue advises that this Roadblock is for someone with "strong arms, strong legs, and no fear of heights." Wow. Three requirements, and I meet zero of them. That's kind of sad. Couldn't it have added, "who can say the alphabet backwards," as I would have then at least been one-for-four? As Phil explains, in the Roadblock, the team will take a boat to the area under the harbor bridge, and then the Roadblocker will climb a 70-foot ladder up to the girders under the highway. The Roadblocker will then walk a couple of beams to reach a woman who will hand over a clue, and then will step off, fall, be caught by a safety rope (we hope), and be lowered into the boat again to rejoin the non-Roadblocking partner. Or else, of course, he or she will fall to his or her death, but the spoiler people would probably have discovered that by now if it were true. "Let's do it, baby, I'm climbing up to the top of the mast!" Colin says, confident that he knows what the Roadblock is. Oh, that Colin. Never one to let a lack of information interfere with the firmness of his answer. That's how people get charged with contempt of Congress, you know. As they ride over on the boat, he talks about how great it would be if they just sped easily through the leg and didn't even slow down for anything. She grins. They can taste it. They're counting the money, you can tell. They're thinking about tax advisors, and how much a new flat-screen TV costs, and whether they can afford to pop for a racing stripe, and how famous they're going to be. "We will be the most intense people at the Ethan Zohn Lawn Bowling Invitational," they are thinking. Well, that's what they're doing when they're not fully occupied with their other favorite activity, in pursuit of which they have now counted 5,488 unhatched chickens.
In the Mom SUV, Linda asks Karen if she's all right after their earlier map dust-up. "Yep," Karen says. "All right," Linda smiles, and then goes back to complaining. "Where the hell are we?" Because complaining is the tie that really binds. They wonder if they should ask someone for directions. Well...all right. But try to ask in your inside voice. More than that, just try to have an inside voice.
Meanwhile, Brandon and Nicole admire the scenery along the drive, and Chip and Kim are happy to see water, indicating as it does that they're probably going the right direction.
Colin and Christie's boat pulls up under the ladder. Colin climbs on and starts up. "Just take your time, 'cause we're way ahead of everybody else," Christie says happily. "I know," Colin says. He climbs. "Cake," he mutters to himself as he gets to the top. He crosses the girder, and his boast-over says that he has no fear of heights, no fear of any physical challenge, blah dee blah. He has no fear of cosmic justice, either, as you can see. He fetches the clue, steps off the girder, and is dropped into the boat. And I will report that they do have a safety rope tied to him, which I guess was necessary for legal reasons. "All right, no problem," the newly returned Colin tells Christie. They open the clue he brought down with him, and it tells them to fly to Manila, in the Philippines. (One L, two Ps. And they say television isn't educational.) Phil explains that this is about a 5000-mile trek, after which they will have to find a place called Malaguena Motors, where they'll locate a clue. "We get the best flights, here, then we're good," Colin says. They get to shore and grab a cab to the airport. Well, they certainly seem happy. I can't imagine what could go wrong. Tee hee. Sorry.
Chicka-wocka drums bring Brandon and Nicole to the marina. Chicka-wocka chicka-wocka chicka-wocka! They crank down the clue, and Nicole gives an unsurprising, "Strong arms and strong legs? Is that you, or is that you?" You can almost hear his hair, which expresses his subconscious thoughts, muttering, "I somehow suspect that if it said the person should have long dark hair and be really skinny, you'd say the same thing, Nicole."
Chip and Kim arrive at the marina as well, and Chip notes that only two cars are there, so it looks like they've jumped a spot. Which is true. Because here are Linda and Karen, still getting directions, finally finding a guy at what looks like a bus shelter who offers them some assistance.
Colin and a grinning, smug Christie, in their cab, heading for the airport. When they get there, they head inside and learn that there's a flight leaving that will go to Manila via Singapore on Singapore Airlines. It will arrive in Manila tonight at 8:20, but it's bugging out of Auckland at 10:10, and it's already 9:45, so they'll need to haul ass, but they may be able to make it. "This would be so huge," Colin pants breathlessly as they walk to the office for tickets. "It's a 10:10 flight, it's in 25 minutes." "That could give us a huge lead on the other teams," Christie says happily. This is so great! They might be in the lead! They love being in the lead! They head for the Singapore Airlines office.
Brandon starts up the ladder. All he can say at first is: (1) "Wooo!"; and (2) "Oh my gosh." Hee. He climbs up, voicing over that he got a little freaked partway up, because he was up so high. I like the fact that Brandon has pretty much no shame about admitting that he really doesn't care for the daredevil stuff, because it's kind of scary. (Brandon's Subconscious Hair: "[Sniffle]. I don't want to die.")
In the Singapore Airlines office, Christie claims that it's "an emergency" that she get them on the 10:10 flight, and they need tickets. They learn that they will indeed be able to make the flight, but only because it's delayed until 10:45. Of course, that will shorten up the connection in Singapore, and when they ask how short the connection time will be, the guy tells them, "It's fast." Nevertheless, when the guy is asked whether their odds of making the flight are good, he says, "Should be." Heh. You could tell right there that it was doubtful, because "Should be," under normal circumstances, would mean "Should be" in tourist-speak, which means, "Eh, probably not, but we'll get you on the one, and we'll put you up in a hotel if we can't, and you probably don't care. After all, it's not a race. Have you seen the lovely Singapore Airport Hilton?" As they walk off, Colin eagerly overanticipates some more: "We could be finished with our leg by the time everyone gets in." Colin's karma stands off to the side, rolling its eyes and reading the paper. "Whatever," it says. "I have plenty of time. It's early." They get on their Singapore Airlines flight.
Chip and Kim crank down the clue, and Chip -- unsurprisingly -- is going to be the one doing it. Remember when Kim was worried about not doing her share of the Roadblocks? She got over it.
Linda and Karen find the marina.
Brandon crosses the girders, voicing over with detached terror about how he just goes forward and tries not to think about what's under his feet. Like, in this case, a lot of empty air through which he could easily fall, only to later wind up as a pile of broken bones. With fuzzy blond hair. He fetches the clue, and then he steps off to drop to the boat. He does his usual extreme yodel, and then he dangles from the rope, waggling his arms and legs and going, "Come and git me!" I love him. Seriously. He's completely ridiculous. He comes down into the boat, as Nicole teases the boat guys getting him down to be careful. "Don't hurt my boooyfriend!" Heh. He tells her (or maybe us) that he was definitely scared while he was doing that climb. "I've done the catwalk before, but not like that," he chuckles. They read their route information. They boat off.
Chip and Kim discuss the task facing him on the Roadblock, and they pass Brandon and Nicole boating the other way. And on the boat, Brandon is...I don't even know how I would describe the dance he's doing, but...okay. He's holding onto a bar that's over his head, and he pulls one foot up off the ground so that he's leaning to the side, and he's going, "Awk, awk." And then he switches over to the other side, bounces, and goes, "Awk, awk." I think he's delightful. Any guy who makes up his own Once Again I Have Cheated Death Booty Dance is okay with me. And so does the music guy, who gives him a backup drum beat perfectly synchronized with his dance. No, really. It's those little things you'd never even notice.
Chip takes in the bridge and begins to get nervous. "That's crazy as hell," he opines. He voices over that when he looked up the ladder, it looked like it was "as tall as the Empire State Building." As Chip climbs the hanging ladder, they provide yellow captions so you know he's muttering, "The pain of Jesus." And then, a little more clearly, you hear him say, "The blood of Jesus." And while that's not my style of praying, particularly, I respect the fact that at least he's not doing it for anyone but himself, which is exactly why they have to caption it. I seem to recall hearing something about that at some point. "Take your time," Kim says, probably not realizing that slowing down is the very last thing he wants to do. It's not like his greatest wish is to extend the experience. (I once talked to a friend at a wedding reception just after he acted as one of the primary hoisters who lifted up another friend of ours on her chair during "Hava Nagila," and his sweaty, red-faced comment was, "Well, that was fun...I just wish it had been longer.")
Linda and Karen get to the marina, aware that they're last. Meanwhile, Brandon and Nicole are hopping in a cab to the airport, and Chip is nearing the top of the ladder. He gets up onto the girders, but finds the walk across rather challenging as well, so it calls for additional muttered, fairly desperate prayers. In addition to traditional prayer, Chip is also whispering to himself, "I can do it." It's like Billy Graham and Tony Robbins made an infomercial together. I'll tell you, Chip is not loving this task, but he is knocking himself on his ass to get it done. And that's all you can really expect. He gets across the first part of the girder.
Linda and Karen crank down their clue. Linda is shrieking at Karen to get the clue down. Sigh. They have another prickly little exchange about getting the clue envelope to rip, and then they consider the Roadblock. Karen's like, "Yeah, it's all you, sister. You climb, and I'll take over shrieking, so that way, all the bases will be covered."
Chip continues to make his way toward the clue. He calls this the hardest task of the race, and perhaps "all [his] life." He reaches the clue lady, takes his clue, and goes off the girder by falling backward. Fortunately, life is not entirely ironic in the non-ironic Alanis Morissette "bummer, dude" sense, so the rope does catch him. I've never seen a guy so very, very ready to have his feet on dry land, even if it's the dry land on the bottom of a boat. When he's on his feet, he and Kim read the clue about Manila. As they return to shore, they pass the moms, who are speeding toward the clue. Chip hypothesizes that the moms will never be able to do the task. In fact, he'll do more than hypothesize. "I guarantee you the moms ain't gonna be able to do it," he says. You know, I love Chip, but he's got to knock it off with that. That's not very gracious, that thing he's doing. They're entitled to better than that. They've earned better than that.
Linda halfheartedly whines as she prepares to climb the ladder, while Chip and Kim hop in a cab to the airport. Elsewhere, in their cab, Brandon and Nicole note that they know nothing about the Philippines. Including, probably, the thing with the one L and the two Ps. They go inside at "Departures" and ask about flights.
Linda starts up the ladder, doing a "Toe, heel" chant that I believe describes how you put your foot onto each rung of the ladder. Contrary to Chip's "guarantee," she makes it to the top. I think that while she's not a small lady, Linda's a pretty in-shape and tough lady, despite her episodes of self-doubt. I've thought that a few times. I thought that when I saw her lower the clue, too. She's not a gazelle, but she can crank it when called upon. I think that Chip, like a lot of people, can conceive of men who are of the stocky and strong type (like, say, himself), but for women, he thinks of being in shape in terms of being sylphlike and being able to run fast, as many people do. It's not a dis on him -- it's an almost impossible bias to avoid picking up, but it's, you know, still wrong. And good for Linda and Karen for putting another crack in it. Linda crosses the girders and gets the clue. She balks a little at falling back on the rope, and again, we go to commercial on the note of Will The Mom Do The Task? Which is an element of suspense that's long past its expiration date at this point. We've been here, like, a lot of times.
Commercials. "Levitra" is the most hilarious drug name ever. It sounds like Houdini came up with it (no pun intended) when his sex life was foundering.
Unsurprisingly, when we return to the show, Linda does indeed fall backward on the rope, just as you knew she was going to. She returns to the boat. "You look like Peter Pan!" Karen cackles as Linda swings past the boat. And indeed, she sort of does. If she knows "Neverland" and didn't sing it, she's going to regret it for the rest of her life. ["Given the register she would have pitched it in, I'm just as glad she didn't." -- Sars] They open the Manila clue, and then they head out to the street and grab a cab.
At the airport, Brandon and Nicole are working on tickets as Chip and Kim come up behind them. In a conversation for which I had great affection, Chip tentatively asks Brandon, "Was it hard for you?", and Brandon, being the generous soul that he is and having not a speck of the peacock in him at this moment, tells the truth and says, "Yeah, it was hard." Heh. In the cab, meanwhile, Linda comments that she's "still shaking," and Karen compliments her on what a great job she did. At the airport, they get out and head for the counter. I have to say, they're doing great, but they are dragging a bit at this point. If nothing else, you can spot the lack of spring in their step from the decision to get luggage carts just to go from the cab inside to the counters. That's not a good sign, I don't think, not that I blame them or could do any better. Inside, the three non-Colin-and-Christie teams meet up at the same spot. To his credit, Chip hears that Linda did the climb and says, "I gotta give it up," and gives her a hug. I certainly hope this means that we won't have to see him do that anymore. Because it's not his first time acting like they're less capable than they've already shown themselves to be, so...knock it off, Chip. Meanwhile, Brandon is getting the actual tickets, which call for them to go through Hong Kong tonight, sleep in the airport, and then get a flight to Manila at 8:05 the morning. It will get them into Manila at 10:00 the morning. Behind them, Chip and Kim and the moms arrange the same flights. These teams all board their flight to Hong Kong, talking unhappily about how Colin and Christie are presumably way out ahead by now.
And here are Colin and Christie now, landing in Singapore. They run in and look for the "transfer desk," as Christie voices over that their flight was late, so they only had 20 minutes to make the connection. That would be the international connection. Heh, good one. That'll teach you to optimistically interpret the words "Should be" when said by a ticket agent. They go to beg again about their "emergency" need to get to Manila, and the woman tells them that unfortunately, it's just plain too late. The flight is leaving, and they're not getting on it. The doors, they are closed; the flight, it is missed. What a disappointment. I know I personally burst into tears. And they weren't at all tears of laughter, uh, I swear.
In Hong Kong, the rest of the teams are landing. "That was a pretty quick eleven-hour flight," Linda snarks to Karen. Hee. When she's not shrieking, I like her. More doing! More snide comments! Less shrieking! As they get off the plane, Karen says that they're going to try to improve on their 8AM tickets out of Hong Kong to Manila.
Meanwhile, in Singapore, Colin and Christie learn that there's no flight out of Singapore to Manila until tomorrow. Aww. Too bad! So sad! Colin asks about connecting flights, and guess what's suggested? Singapore-Hong Kong, Hong Kong-Manila! Hee hee hee, hoo hoo. As they get on their flight out of Singapore, Christie gripes about how they won't get into Manila until...you guessed it. 10:00 tomorrow morning. Colin speculates that they'll be "behind everyone." Such a grump.
In the Hong Kong airport, the teams scatter and try to arrange for better flights. Nothing doing. It appears that the late-night Hong Kong-Manila route is not well-traveled. The teams are basically stuck with what they have, which is the 8:00 AM flight. So the teams go to sleep, and we watch them snoozing in the airport, including Chip, who is snoring up a storm under his space blanket. As they snooze, who should land in Hong Kong, but...Colin and Christie! Christie talks about how "low" they're feeling, and somehow, I suspect it's just not low enough to make me entirely happy. Lower, lower! They snooze in a hallway somewhere.
Morning. Teams wake up in the airport, and at the gate, the other teams note the arrival of Colin and Christie. As Christie notes, everyone is relieved, because the other teams thought they were ahead, while they themselves figured they might be behind. But once again, it is the bunching. "We couldn't let you guys have all the fun, right?" Colin asks, trying to cover. It's not really a great story, in terms of cover, since I really don't think anyone's buying "Colin Brings The Fun!" as the party slogan of 2004. Chip and Kim and Colin and Christie exchange hugs, because for purely selfish reasons, they're genuinely delighted to see each other. It's like friendship, but not. As they board, Brandon asks Nicole whether she's happy to see Colin and Christie, and she says that she is. I mean, she is in the sense that anyone is ever happy to see Colin and Christie, which is, "not that much." Unless you're a relationship counselor, and you hear, "Ch-ching!" every time you see them. The teams settle in for the flight.
In Manila, the first team out of the airport is Chip and Kim, "Currently in 1st Place." Their driver appears to know where Malaguena Motors is, so they're in luck. Brandon and Nicole get out . Followed by Linda and Karen...followed by, "Currently in Last Place"...Colin and Christie. Chip and Kim introduce themselves to their driver, using Chip's patented Be Friendly strategy. In their cab, Brandon thinks they got in the cab first, but Nicole knows Chip and Kim are ahead of them. Linda squashes a bug against the cab window and observes, "Welcome to the Philippines." Heh. You've got to love any country with a six-legged welcoming committee. In her cab, Christie nags the driver about the other teams, which I find fascinating, considering that I would think any person with the common sense God gave to a brick would figure out that the taxi driver does not care whether you beat the other teams or not.
As the teams drive, Kim voices over that there's a Yield coming up. Phil explains the Yield again, about how one team Yields another and makes them turn an hourglass over and wait a certain amount of time before they can go. Chip voices over that Colin and Christie are "like the Los Angeles Lakers." Obnoxious, arrogant, and unable to function in pressure situations in spite of an abundance of natural talent due to unremitting ego-based personality clashes? Oh, no. He means something else. He means "they are the best." As Brandon and Nicole and Chip and Kim sit together in traffic, they talk through the windows about Yielding Colin and Christie, now that they've gotten ahead of them for once. In his cab, Brandon says, "Everybody wants to see the most intense competition go." Hey, he said "intense"! Drink! Meanwhile, the Moms say exactly the same thing in their cab, although they add a comment to the effect that "Colin and Christie have been really nice" to them. Yeah. Sometimes Christie wears those shorts that say, "Have A Nice Day!" across the back instead of "Texas." (Sidebar: How many damn pairs of those shorts is the girl carrying? I feel like we haven't seen anything else covering her ass since about Egypt. Those things are going to fall into tatters, and then she'll be wearing shorts that are a little too short to flatter her, really, and say "TEXAS" on the ass, and have holes in them. And then she will be well and truly ready for the episode of Cops where she and Colin scream at each other until the neighbors call the police.)
As Brandon and Nicole approach the flag, he tells her to "get ready to jump out of the car." Chip and Kim are the first to actually pull up and get out of the cab, but when he runs up the little driveway, Chip can't figure out where he's actually supposed to be going. He gets himself turned around, and by the time he heads for the clue box, he has to run past Brandon and Linda -- which he does, knocking into her on the way and apologizing. "Settle down, Chip!" Linda calls out. Heh. I'm not sure why Chip is so damn sure he wants to be the one to use the Yield if somebody else might do it for him, since he could avoid both the Wrath of Colin and the loss of his only Yield, but there you go. Brandon and Chip get up to the Yield box together, and Brandon urges, "Yield 'em, yield 'em." Yeah, easy for him to say, because then he gets to save his. Indeed, Chip reaches into the box and pulls out Colin and Christie's picture, announcing that he intends to Yield them. Kim reminds him that he also has to put the picture of himself and Kim in the "courtesy of" box, so Colin and Christie will know who did it. Well, that won't be awkward at all.
Colin and Christie are in their cab, but the thumping, ominous music is right on their tails. She asks the driver, I think, whether he thinks the other teams are in front of them or behind them. The driver thinks the other teams are behind them. Colin does not look like he's so sure.
Up at Malaguena Motors, the first three teams all rip their clues open. The clue tells them to choose a marked jeepney and decorate it by attaching a bunch of flaps and doodads to it, as (I think) marked on a diagram. Phil explains that jeepneys are the most common form of public transportation in the Philippines, and are left over from the American presence during World War II. Apparently, tricking out your jeepney is a big part of the culture, as was confirmed on the forums. Once you finish decorating, the driver will give you your clue. The three front-running teams get started on the task.
Aaand just arriving? Colin and Christie. They jump out of their cab and run toward the clue box. When they get there, they have to start with the Yield ritual, and when they get to the Yield sign, they see it. "Oh my God!" Colin yells. "They Yielded us, Colin," Christie says, as the camera takes in the formerly happy photographed faces of Colin and Christie and Chip and Kim. "Chip and Kim," Colin mutters. Colin puts his hands out in the gesture most often used by basketball players to signify, "What? A foul? On me? I have no idea what you're talking about! I barely touched that guy! His retina was already detached when I got there!" We see Chip and Kim glance over, and then Colin say, literally through gritted teeth, "Dammit." Hee hee. Gritted teeth are funny, as long as they're not yours.
Commercials. Protein makes you an insufferable, Cliff Clavin-esque know-it-all. Have a steak!
We return to the Yield sign, where Colin and Christie are serving out their sentence. (And the sentence is, "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, but you won't be jumping anywhere for a while, so cool your fuckin' heels, there, Dr. Seethe and the Electric Mayhem.") Colin flips over the hourglass and begins to wait. He and Christie pace by the Yield sign, and he loudly says, "How 'bout that?", trying to rattle Chip and Kim. Colin explains what just happened in an unnecessary voice-over. As everyone else works on jeepney modifications, we hear a voice-over in which Chip points out that Colin was just standing at the Yield box, staring at him. Which he is. In fact, Colin is leaning his chest against the Yield sign with his crossed arms resting on top of the box. Yeah, you're terrifying me, ass. Christie points out that they should study what the other teams are doing, which struck me as total bullshit. I think the Yield penalty should not be served anywhere where you can watch what the other teams are doing, because that means you're not really as far back as you're meant to be. You get to capitalize on other teams' experiences, and that's not very Yieldy to me, if you're going to bother having the thing at all. Which, incidentally, you shouldn't.
As Brandon and Nicole work on their car, he says, "Right," and then she says, "Left? What does 'left' mean?" Pfft. I think she knows what "left" means. I think she's saying that she has no idea what the implications of the use of "right" and "left" in this situation are. Still? A really funny and unfortunate line that will haunt her for the rest of her life. Hey, we've all been there. I accumulate embarrassing moments like some people accumulate souvenir egg cups, so it's not like I don't feel her pain. Colin fastens on the idea of watching the moms, who seem to be making good progress. Teams work. The hourglass trickles. Colin festers. In a voice-over, Karen points out, probably correctly, that it helps with this task to be a mom who puts a lot of toys together. I bet that's right. My sister puts stuff together for her kids all the time, and when I see her sitting on the floor surrounded by forty-six orange plastic connectors, I always think about how I would throw the entire thing out the window after thirty seconds. "Moms can fix anything, moms can do anything," she adds. And...okay, I'll give it a pass this time, because there's no arguing with the fact that they're in first place. Their clue tells them to have their jeepney driver take them to "the giant duck" in Victoria. Phil explains that they'll now take a 43-mile drive to Victoria, which is the capital of the Philippine duck industry. (Large herd of ducks: "Get away! Get away! Stop taking our picture!") The clue will be in a field behind what is apparently not called anything other than the "Giant Duck," a statue Phil promises is "a local icon." I hope it's a well-known icon. Because otherwise, you could drive around for a long time looking for a really, really big duck, and the locals would just think you were another stoned American college student. Linda and Karen take off with their driver as Nicole marvels to Brandon how quickly they finished.
And now Chip, in a pattern he really, really needs to break, comments with depressed humiliation in an interview that he and Brandon "let some women beat [them] putting together a car." Yes. We put together cars! We vote! We own property! Enough, Chip. Seriously. We do all kinds of stuff since they stopped making us wear corsets. The Moms pull out in first place, and guess what? There is shrieking. There is also some attention-grabbing boob action during the shrieking and wiggling in the jeepney. Just saying. You can't really avoid it -- it's the camera placement.
Brandon and Nicole are finishing up, and Colin picks up the hourglass and smacks it against the platform it's sitting on, which I'm fairly sure you're not supposed to do. "Don't mess with it," Christie says cautiously. "Just flattening it out," he says, quasi-casually. Well, don't, ass. Mitts off. Brandon and Nicole get their clue and go. As they're getting into their jeepney, Colin says to Christie, "Can you believe Chip and Kim Yielded us?" You mean, with the great subtlety you were using in making everyone aware of how superior you were? Well...yes. I actually can believe it. As Brandon and Nicole leave, Brandon notes, "Colin is ticked," and then, though the window, Colin asks where they're going. "Giant duck," Brandon says, because it's not going to matter, and this way, Colin will stay mad at Chip and not add Brandon to the hate list. And also because Colin will spend the ten minutes or whatever going, "What did he say? It sounded like 'giant duck,' but that can't be right." When they're gone, Colin says to Christie, "They could be going to the pit stop right now." With no Detour? Eh, not likely. Colin taps his fingers on the top of the Yield box as Chip and Kim try to get the jeepney done. Chip sweats. Colin drums. Sand drains. Finally, Chip and Kim get finished, get their clue, and leave. Colin glares at them the entire time. As they're leaving, Chip voices over that he couldn't look at Colin and Christie, because he felt "so ashamed." Oh, stop, Chip. You did the right thing. Race yes! Montessori school no! Yeesh. And also, they deserve it, just generally, for an interminable case of sucking. In the jeepney, Kim says, "We didn't want to do that, but they are too strong." Well, exactly. And they've made sure everyone knows it.
The sand finally runs out, and Colin and Christie rip their clue. They start to work, and as they do, he asks her to help with something when she already has her hands full. "I'm doing this right now," she spits. "So just...leave me alone." So, at least they're not wasting time on petty personal grievances when they have time to make up.
Karen, clearly losing her voice, applauds her driver as he speeds them toward the giant duck. Brandon and Nikki cheer for their speedy guy as well. In the Chip/Kim jeepney, Chip says that they needed "a leg up" on Colin and Christie, because those two are "better players" than he and Kim are. "I had to do what I had to do." Indeed you did, Chip. Indeed you did. Colin and Christie finish up their jeepney and approach the driver. They get the clue, and as she takes it from him, Christie shoots the driver a hateful look, the origins of which are a total mystery. As they leave, Christie says to their cab driver, in the same voice you would use if you and Pierce Brosnan were racing to save the world from natural disaster in a Ridley Scott movie, "Please hurry, please hurry!" (Note: I think it is a sign that my head is full of too much TV that I sat there trying to come up with the actor I was thinking of for that sentence, and for the longest time, all that would pop into my head was "Bronson Pinchot." And then my head was telling me that was Balki, and for those fifteen seconds, I was close to tears of frustration. But anyway.) Christie gets up into the seat to the driver and, sounding close to tears, says, "Must go fast, please go fast, fast, fast." As they drive, there are two guys crossing the street. Sounding completely and utterly serious, Christie says, "It's okay, run them over. Just run them over, they're not..." Uh...the hell? Colin finally intervenes. "Christie?" he says. "If you do that, we're going to fuck ourselves up." Yeah. Stopping to scrape pedestrian off your tires will really put a cramp in your efficiency, racing-wise. "Seriously, Christie," he says contemptuously, unable to believe that she can't control her intensity. You know, the way he can. Hee hee. Heeeee hee. Sorry, is my chortling a spoiler?
Drums follow Linda and Karen and the closely trailing Brandon and Nicole on the way to El Ducko Grande. (Sorry. Mirna moment.) Both teams spot the giant duck and hop out. Shrieking ensues, and the moms reach the clue box just before Brandon and Nicole. The Detour, Phil explains, offers a choice between two Filipino farm chores. One is Plow, and the other is Fowl. You know, I'm happy the Detour names aren't cutesy anymore (die, "Seek Out/Freak Out," die!), but there's something about "Plow/Fowl" that's just a little too inelegant. It turns out they could have called it "Ducks/Schmucks," but it's not like they could have known. Anyway, Phil explains that in Plow, you have to choose a marked plot of muddy field and use an ox (hee hee, whoo hoo hoo) to run the plow over the field until they plow up a rope that will have a clue attached. You'll notice that when the task is demonstrated, the farmer is indeed doing the plowing all by himself, so it is possible to do it that way. Just...you know, for future reference. I also like how Phil promises that while physically demanding, the task won't be hard, because the animal is "used to working with people." And thus, presumably, they are cooperative. (Insert additional spoiler-tagged chortling.) In Fowl, you and your partner herd one thousand ducks from one pen to another. Herding is physically easy since you really just have to be bothersome, but ducks are stubborn.
Initially, the moms choose the plowing, while Nicole says something about doing the ducks. Brandon asks if she's sure, pointing out that it's a lot of ducks, and you have to bring them a long way. "They'll be flyin', and yappin'," he says. (For some reason, this inspires me to take a moment of silence to remember the Twinkies.) "All right, let's plow," she agrees. Linda immediately appoints herself to lead and Karen to plow. "You pull the ox, Nic," Brandon says. See how easily and naturally that occurred to them? That's what happens when your head isn't bursting with intensity. The plowing begins.
In their jeepney, Psycho Christie's descent into madness continues. "Must catch up with the other teams," she says with an eerie calm. "'Cause they Yielded us," she says, holding up her hand in the patented "Stop! In the Name of Love" gesture, as if he's going to (1) find the sign language informative; and (2) give a damn. "They played unfair," she says shakily, barely keeping her shit together. And just...you know, Christie? They did not "play unfair." No, they didn't. No, they didn't. They really, really didn't. It's not unfair just because it works against you, it's not unfair just because you didn't see it coming, and it's not unfair just because you see it as a rule that shouldn't exist (which, incidentally, I do also). Whether you think the three-point shot in basketball is overvalued or not (it is), taking a three-point shot isn't "unfair." There's some kind of a "don't hate the playa" line here that I would pull out if I weren't so pitifully dorky. Meanwhile, in the Chip and Kim jeepney, Chip is discussing how Colin and Christie will now be in Kill Mode. I think that's really the only mode they have. I used to think that was just Colin, but after her bloodlust for innocent bystanders emerged, I began to think Christie may just be the very same way. Colin is, by the way, in the process of assuring Christie that if anybody else makes any mistakes, they'll pass them.
At the Plow task, Brandon encourages Nicole to lead him in a pattern, while Linda calls her ox "Mr. Cow." (Ox: "[Eye roll.]") Brandon is plowing along when he suddenly shouts that he has the clue. And so he does. They hoot and congratulate themselves, and then they crawl out of the mud. "Oh, Brandon, you're so good!" Nicole yells. "You're so good, baby, you took me right to it!" he returns nicely. See, neither of them did anything special -- it's largely luck, I think, that they found it quickly -- but I like it that they both try to spread around the unearned glory a little. I don't care how dweeby they are -- I love them.
Chip and Kim find the giant duck. They hop out of the Jeepney.
Brandon and Nicole open their clue, which tells them to get to the pit stop at the Coconut Palace. Phil explains that teams will have to travel 120 miles to Manila to get to the Palace, which Phil tells us is the pit stop. For what it's worth, Phil doesn't say anything one way or the other about having to take a bus. Brandon and Nicole hoot and holler and leave, and as they go, they encounter an entering Chip and Kim. "Are Colin and Christie right behind you?" Nicole asks. "Uh, I don't know about that," Chip answers as he runs by. As Chip and Kim open the Detour clue, Linda and Karen find their clue in the mud and get ready to leave. But not before Linda manages to sit her ass down right in the mud. Now that's a little embarrassing. They bump into Chip and Kim while retrieving their shoes, and Chip and Kim see them go before also deciding to do the Plow. I think that from the timing, they know that it didn't take Brandon and Nicole or the Moms all that long, so it's a good bet to take a shot at it. As they get started, they set up so that Chip is leading the ox and Kim is behind the plow. It takes her a little time to get used to it, and she voices over that at times, he was going faster than she could keep up, but they get into a reasonable groove.
Meanwhile, in the Colin and Christie Jeepney of Yum, These Sour Grapes Make Great Whine, Colin is complaining about how Chip and Kim "backstabbed" them. By, you know, trying to win. Those bastards. Colin talks about how much he would love to pass Chip and Kim and see them eliminated. Wow, that Colin's friendship certainly is a sturdy thing.
Chip and Kim continue plowing.
Brandon and Nicole and the Moms are trying to get taxis to Manila, but they learn that there aren't any taxis available, so they'll have to get a bus to get out of town. Before long, a red and yellow bus comes along, and they hop on.
Colin and Christie spot the big duck. They hop out and run.
Chip and Kim's clue finally comes up. They grab it and leave for the pit stop. Out on the street, they're trying to catch the Manila bus also, but the first one they see isn't the right one.
Meanwhile, Colin lectures to Christie as they run to the Detour box, "Just keep a nice pace, 'cause this is our chance to catch up!" Chip, "meanwhile" (meaning that it's edited to be "meanwhile," but who knows?), is saying that they really need to get on a bus that does not include Colin and Christie. Speaking of whom, Colin and Christie read the Detour clue. "What do you think?" he asks her. "A thousand ducks?" "The plow," she says, which is awesome, considering that she doesn't intend to lift a finger to actually Plow herself.
Okay. So. Colin runs out into the field and gets behind the ox with the rope in his hand. Christie, unlike every one of the other seven people who has participated in this task, chooses to stand on the sidelines and do nothing, in an apparent attempt to keep her feet clean. In Stage I (Colin Is Sane, Mostly), he says fairly breezily to Christie when she asks him how he's doing the task, "I can't control where he goes, baby." And indeed, Colin is at the ox's mercy, as it leads him in a random diagonal cutting across the field. "Be looking, okay?" she nags. In Stage II (Colin Becomes Concerned), he says, "Which way?" "Be looking on the bottom," she offers, as if it's a very silly question. In Stage IIIA ("Babe" Is Colin For "Bitch"), he tightly says with frustration, "You're not even helping me look, babe, you're just standing around." In Stage IIIB: ("Babe" Is Christie For "Asshole"), she says, "There's not much I can do, babe. It's -- it's underneath. It's in the plowed area. It's gonna be deep; that's why you have to really be looking in the plowed area." Why wouldn't she at least walk with him if that's what she thinks? Sigh. In Stage IV: (Christie Pokes The Sleeping Crazy), she says, as if he's a dimwit, "Do you understand?" In Stage V: (Blast-Off), Colin says, "I UNDERSTAND!" And then he goes back to plowing. But just for the moment.
Out on the street, Chip and Kim see another bus, but it's not going to Manila either.
In Stage VI (Human-Animal Miscommunication Troubles Us All) Colin shrieks, "Where's he going?" as the ox wanders off the field. Well, yeah. I mean, the ox doesn't know the rules. The saying isn't "smart as an ox," Colin. In Stage VII (Exploring The Futility of Ordering Around An Ox Who Probably Doesn't Speak English), Colin hollers at the ox, "NO! In this field!" You know, my parents' dog is a lot smarter than that ox, and I'm not sure he knows very many words other than "squirrel," "out," "walk," "Daddy," "Mommy," and "BlackDog." (BlackDog is the dog across the street, who is his best friend. He and BlackDog would never Yield each other.) I don't think the dog would understand "In this field!" Plus, what has Colin done for this ox? Why would the ox listen to anything he says? The dog only pays any attention because my parents pour tomato juice on his food.
In Stage VIII (Colin Instantly Becomes A Legend), he says, "Oh my GOD! My ox is broken! This is BULLSHIT!" Yes. You heard right; his ox is broken. Just his luck, Colin has wound up with the world's only broken ox working for him. And it's not broken in the sense that it's injured, unless he suspects it of having one leg shorter than the others in such a way that it goes in circles. No, it's broken in the sense that just as you should be able to pick up a Jack-in-the-box, turn the crank, and have the little guy pop out, he thinks you should be able to pick up a rope, tell an ox where to go, and he should go there. And if he doesn't? Well, he's obviously broken. Flawed! Colin has been given nonfunctioning equipment!
What isn't broken is Chip and Kim's bus, which arrives at last. They board, and Chip murmurs, "That's a little cushion, a little cushion." The bus takes off.
In Stage IX (Christie Starts Asking Questions Just To Be A Bitch), she says, "Colin, is it possible for you to control him? Please answer me when I talk to you. If there's any way possible that you can not wander aimlessly..." In Stage X (Colin Clings Desperately To The Very Few Marbles He Has Left), he says, "Do you know how hard it is to look down and try to drive him? Do you realize how difficult that is?" In Stage XI (Colin Fastens On The Only Possible Explanation, Which Is Preferential Treatment For Others), he says, "It wasn't this hard for the other teams. I guarantee you that much." See, that's where the arrogance kills. Because if he had any humility, it would occur to him that this was because he might be doing it wrong. And then he might think to himself, "What might the other teams have thought of that I did not?" But I don't think he thinks that way. Like, ever.
Anyway, in Stage XII (Deserving Each Other, Part One), Christie says, "Grab the plow!" In Stage XIII (Deserving Each Other, Part Two), Colin screams, "I CAN'T GET HIM TO GO OVER THERE!" In Stage XIV (Nothing Says "I Have No Argument" Quite Like "Calm Down"), Christie says, "Calm down." In Stage XV (Them Animals Scare Easy), Colin screams, "WHY DO YOU KEEP TURNING?" (Ox: "Because you are a lot funnier than writing my name in the mud with my tail again, and moreover, now I am immortal!") In Stage XVI (Provoking For Provocation's Sake), Christie says, dripping contempt, "Colin, why don't you learn how to control him?" In Stage XVII (No One In His BMX Club Will Talk To Colin Now That They've Heard Him Scream Like A Little Girl), Colin screams, "I'm tryin'!" In Stage XVIII (Having the Upper Hand And Making Sure Everyone Knows It), Christie says, again dripping contempt, "Listen to yourself. No wonder you can't control it." Easy to say in the non-plowing role, isn't it, non-plowing non-plower? "I CAN'T MAKE HIM GO OVER THERE!" Colin shouts again. In Stage XIX (Turning Into A Freudian Mother-Related Nightmare), Christie says, "I don't want another word coming out of your mouth." In Stage XX (Unfortunately, Yes, He's Talking To Christie And Not The Ox, As You Know If You Watch The Insider Videos), Colin doubles over with one hand on the plow and the other on his knee and whimpers -- yes, whimpers -- "Oh my God, I hate you." In Stage XXI (She Is A Lovely Person Also), Christie says, "Oh my God, just plow." And in Stage XXII (Just Plain Fucking Balls-Out Awesome), Colin leans back, looks at the sky, grimaces as if he is in a movie about eternal suffering, and...waits for guidance? Hopes to catch some rain in his mouth? Tries to look at the front of his own hat and fails? Hard to say.
Commercials. I told Wing Chun when we saw a preview for Taxi that it sounded like a hypothetical movie the TWoP staff would have invented in a hotel room at 4:00 in the morning. "Jimmy Fallon is a cop, and Queen Latifah is a bad-ass cab driver." "Only her cab is all tricked-out and shit!" "And then she gets all involved in his work." "And then they have to spend all this time together, but they're total opposites, so it's wacky!" And I stand by my conviction that this is not a real movie, but a fantasy that somebody like Djb had at some point that accidentally came true as a result of a disturbance in the universe.
Colin continues his Heart of Darkness moment as his ox drags him across the mud field. "Whoa! Whoa!" he yells. "Slow him down, Colin, now," Christie instructs, as if that's not what "Whoa! Whoa!" indicates he's trying to do. "Stupid ox!" Colin snaps, briefly turning into a second-grader who can't close his thermos. ("Stupid thermos. Stupid lid. Stupid Batman.") "Nooo! Stay in the field!" he yells. The ox now realizes that Colin wants him to stay in the field, and immediately starts trotting in straight lines. No, not really, but wouldn't that have been tremendous? If the ox had been like, "Yeah, I'm totally trained to walk a grid pattern; I'm just fucking with you." "Well, we're obviously not doing it the way that it's supposed to be done," Christie says. Of course, she can't be expected to do much more to contribute than (1) stand around; and (2) make it worse, so I'm sure that by "we," she isn't referring to herself. "Get the fuck over here and help look," he demands. "It's so deep, Colin," she hesitates, not so interested in getting down to business when it's going to get her "Texas" shorts dirty. "I don't care," he says right back to her. Heh. "Walk through with your feet until you feel it!" And the editing would suggest that she finds it almost immediately, but I doubt it. They leave and grab the pit stop clue.
That was so awesome, I may need a vacation to recover.
Out by the street, they grab a bus for Manila. As soon as they're on the bus, Colin says that he thinks they should go for a short distance, and then bail and look for a taxi. The other three teams, meanwhile, are peacefully heading for Manila, thoroughly bus-bound. On their bus, Linda and Karen pray for no traffic, while on his, Chip hopes that Colin and Christie haven't found a way to get ahead. Meanwhile, on Colin and Christie's bus, she voices over that they can make up time if everyone else is resigned to taking the bus, and they hop out and take a taxi. Their bus stops and lets them off, and they do indeed hop into a taxi and ask for the Coconut Palace. "You better haul ass," Colin instructs the driver. Lovely. And that's a nice mustache Colin is working on. He'll want to keep that for sure. All the crazy-ass loonies have those.
Kim is onto the cab idea, too, so she and Chip are also planning to hop off the bus. Chip thinks Colin and Christie will find a cab for sure. Chip and Kim -- who, remember, left the Plow task after Brandon and Nicole and the Moms -- get out of their bus and into a cab. Chip promises a nice tip if the driver gets them where they're going fast. Brandon has the same idea on his bus, so he hops off, and when they see him go, the Moms follow. Brandon and Nicole get one, and they get on their way to the Coconut Palace, while the Moms are still waiting behind, unable to find a taxi. Once they're on the way, though, Brandon and Nicole become a little concerned about whether their driver actually knows where the Coconut Palace is. Or, you know, what it is.
In Colin and Christie's Cab of Melodrama, their driver tells them, "Over 100 is prohibited here -- so we have no choice but to break the law!" "Yeah!" Colin says. "Yes," Christie intones coldly. "Good," they say in unison. Creeeeeepy. Kim, on the other hand, is busy telling the driver about the extra money he'll get if they get there in a hurry.
Finally, Linda and a completely hoarse Karen catch a cab. "Karen, we're in last," Linda laments as they climb in. Their driver assures them that he knows the Coconut Palace. It's right by the new airport! Ha ha, just kidding.
Nicole asks Brandon, "Why are we always getting bad taxis?" He smiles indulgently at her. "We can't stress out," he says. And then we see that there is an ornament hanging from the rearview mirror. And what is it? Oh, it's Jesus. I half-expect Brandon to see it and be like, "Jesus? I love Jesus! Score!" Instead, he says, "It's in the Lord's hands, right?"
Kim voices over that she and Chip are just "hoping like heck" that they finish in third place. Colin, meanwhile, promises fifty bucks to his driver for a quick arrival at the Coconut Palace. And before you know it, someone is pulling into the entrance. Someone is pulling up in the driveway. Phil is on the mat, pointing all, "Hark!" at someone's approach. Mat! Pit stop sign! Who is it? Who is it? It's Colin and Christie, isn't it? ISN'T IT?
Well...no. It's Chip and Kim, actually. They land on the mat and are gobsmacked to learn that they're in first place. Big hug for Phil. Of course. Sigh. And they win a vacation to "beautiful Hawaii." As opposed to "exotic Hawaii." They do a little dance, and they share a little hug. Well, good for them. Chip goes to Phil for a little double-fist-knock action. Phil asks how it feels to be number one. "Like I always say, God takes care of his idiots, so I'm the first on the list." Coming from some people, that would bug, but Chip strikes me as a good guy. I think that's an okay comment.
Linda and Karen sadly note that failing to get a cab as quickly as Brandon and Nicole could "cost [them] the race." Everyone sits in traffic, including Colin and Christie. Aaaaand the team to run up to Phil on the mat is...Linda and Karen! Huh. So apparently, Brandon and Nicole's cab was first, but not as good. They're team number two.
So now it's Colin and Christie, and Brandon and Nicole. Both in cabs. Both demanding to go fast. Both feeding their drivers money. Someone is in the driveway! Someone is approaching! Someone is on the mat! It's...Brandon and Nicole. They are team number three, they'll take that, and they hug.
And here come Colin and Christie, having completed The 22 Stages Of Breaking Down Because Of An Ox, arriving last on the mat. Colin and Christie, you are the last...team...to...arrive. "I'm pleased to tell you, however," Phil says, and then I don't hear the rest, because I am screaming at the television. But I'm pretty sure the upshot was that they weren't Philiminated. Because they've put the non-elimination round a leg early this season, so four teams will go into the finale, but one will be bounced halfway through. They hug a lot, even though they both are wearing the same mud they were when he said he hated her. And he's all, "I love you, baby, give me a kiss," and it's really, really, deeply creepy. I can't stand either of them, and if they win, it's going to bug me even more than Flo did, because at least my unhappiness with Flo's victory was balanced by my happiness with Zach's victory. There will be no upside to a Colin and Christie win. Neither of them deserves a dime. I think they'll win, but it will be nightmarish and unpleasant and even worse than "Are you fuckingkiddingme with that?" I'm not even getting into it, because it's going to be so upsetting if it happens.
Executive producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: The finale. The finish line. The crying. The jumping up and down. The drinking. The party. The having paid in advance. The remembering to bring your receipt. The not giving the party organizers any crap. I can hardly wait to see you.
And here come Colin and Christie, having completed The 22 Stages Of Breaking Down Because Of An Ox, arriving last on the mat. Colin and Christie, you are the last...team...to...arrive. "I'm pleased to tell you, however," Phil says, and then I don't hear the rest, because I am screaming at the television. But I'm pretty sure the upshot was that they weren't Philiminated. Because they've put the non-elimination round a leg early this season, so four teams will go into the finale, but one will be bounced halfway through. They hug a lot, even though they both are wearing the same mud they were when he said he hated her. And he's all, "I love you, baby, give me a kiss," and it's really, really, deeply creepy. I can't stand either of them, and if they win, it's going to bug me even more than Flo did, because at least my unhappiness with Flo's victory was balanced by my happiness with Zach's victory. There will be no upside to a Colin and Christie win. Neither of them deserves a dime. I think they'll win, but it will be nightmarish and unpleasant and even worse than "Are you fuckingkiddingme with that?" I'm not even getting into it, because it's going to be so upsetting if it happens.
Executive producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: The finale. The finish line. The crying. The jumping up and down. The drinking. The party. The having paid in advance. The remembering to bring your receipt. The not giving the party organizers any crap. I can hardly wait to see you.