Previously on Me, I'm Flying In My Taxi, Taking Tips, and Getting My Lazy Ass Pushed By The Most Likely Less Fortunate: After shaking their cabooses all the way to India, the teams discovered that making real bricks isn't as easy as making the Play-Doh kind when you're eight. KamiKarli and KarliKami hissed and spit at each other, and Colin tried to terrify wads of clay into spontaneously forming themselves into bricks just so he would stop yelling at them. "I'M PACKIN' IT!" became my favorite enraged exclamation. It even works on the highway when people are tailgating you. Brandon and Nicole gave up on the aforementioned bricks, but had to return to them after learning that only losing their lovely locks would land them the second Fast Forward. Because really, where would Christopher Atkins be today if he had shaved his head? I mean, he wouldn't be nearly as famous as...well, as he is…you know, now. Anyway, the Detour put teams to the pressing challenge of finding the most comfortable position in which to sit in repose while a bunch of helpful locals gave themselves hernias on the racers' behalf, and at the finish line, it was Colin and Christie taking home yet another exotic vacation to Mexico. As Pool Boy commented to me, they really need to win the million now, or they won't have the cash to pay the taxes on all those trips. A resigned, hirsute Brandon and Nicole arrived at the mat prepared to be humbly Philiminated, but the benevolent deity that is Phil informed them that this was the unexpected second consecutive non-elimination leg, so they would live to race another day, albeit suffering from a severe lack of funds. You know, Phil, tithing only requires them to give ten percent. That makes you meaner than God, I'm just saying. Anyway, we're down to...or, really still at, after several weeks...the final five. Who will be eliminated...?
Credits. Every time I watch the credits, I am more relieved that Ms. Alison Irwin (you know, backwards, it's "WIN-IR," as she once famously pointed out, not that this seemingly irrefutable logic has panned out for her quite yet) lasted all of two episodes. If she were still around, dragging Donny's ass around Calcutta shrieking about how stupid he is, I would have all sorts of eyeball infections by now from the interminable fork-poking. [BOMP.]
Commercials. It seems far too logical that this show is sponsored by Expedia.com. The world of industrial pimping never makes that much inherent sense.
Music: "Brrrrrring!" Here we are in busy, crowded Calcutta, and not on an episode of Survivor: Delhi as the music would suggest. As Phil explains, this was once a small village, and is now one of the most tightly packed cities in the world. And not just because it's currently chock full of reality show contestants and crew guys and people who will later post on spoiler threads under names like "KraazyRacerGirl4621AndByTheWayClayAikenRuuulz" about how they saw some dude with frizzy blond hair running around the city with a camera guy and praying for money. Oh, and this big building, the dome of which will remind you of the U.S. Capitol? It's not the actual Capitol. The flowers are far too pretty, and there aren't enough protesters. It's actually the Victoria Memorial, where teams are panting with anticipation, eager to be released from the pit stop by Phil, who has apparently come down with a terrible disease that forces him to wear a lot of white pants. Phil, you were doing so well with the looking hot early in the season. And you even managed to stop wearing sweaters that looked like a twelve-year-old knitted them on a plastic Fisher-Price loom. There's no need to start dressing like the Good Humor man or the bottom half of Colonel Sanders. At the pit stop hotel, there is eating, there is sleeping, there is mingling. Nicole appears to be mingling by telling a story called, "The Day I Flushed An Old-Fashioned Toilet By Pulling A Chain Above My Head." And, of course, in Brandon and Nicole's case, after the eating and whatnot, there is the obligatory fretting about money, because they don't have any.
In the first installment of Shiftless Christian Hobos Gone Wild, Brandon asks Nicole whether she wants to ask for money or wants him to, as if we don't all know the answer to that question. And indeed, before you know it, there's old Brandon, ignoring the friendly hotel piano player tootling in the background and begging money off of some unseen hotel guest who, fortunately for him or her (hard to tell from the voice), has only traveler's checks. Ah, dodging reality show bums: just another reason to never carry cash. As they continue begging around what appears to be their hotel, Brandon voices over that they're not really crazy about asking people for money, but in this situation, they don't have a lot of choice. My favorites of the people they encounter are the ones who listen to Brandon's spiel, chuckle, and tell him that they'll "think about it." That's an interesting response to panhandling. Kind of a Magic 8-Ball thing, really. "Ask Again Later." Brandon admits as they close out what looks like a fairly unsuccessful poverty-busting session that he feels a little anxious about this leg, on account of the poverty. Wouldn't it be ironic if his only option turned out to be selling his hair? To be dyed and used to make Justin Guarini dolls? Oh, wait. Brandon is already more famous than Justin Guarini. By the way, if you were a person who had really, really hated Justin Guarini and predicted he'd never be a huge star, I guess you'd be feeling pretty satisfied right about now, wouldn't you? Oh, yes. You would. And you'd be saying, "Watch out, Li'l Opie, my predictive powers are coming for you ."
2:35 AM. You know who's leaving first, right? Oh, yeah. Colin and Christie. Because they finished first, again, some more, as usual. Colin, while waiting to open the clue, is tapping it against his palm all, "I intensely need to open this clue right now." I'm surprised they ever make it to clue-opening, because I would think that Colin would often eat the clue, like Animal from the Muppets. "EAT CLUE! EAT CLUE!" When he does manage to open the envelope, however, he throws his head back and cackles, and not just because he's himself. He even gives a little fist-pull and a "Yes!" that he is obviously unaware calls to mind a member of the high school audiovisual squad celebrating the arrival of that new battery pack he's been waiting for. And why is Colin all excited? Well, because they're being sent to Auckland, New Zealand.
As Phil (probably also excited about showing everybody the KISS posters in his bedroom) explains, teams will now travel about 7000 miles to Auckland, and when they get there, they'll drive another 220 miles to Rotorua, home of the Rotorua Museum, where the clue is located. (That was smart, putting the Rotorua Museum in Rotorua. That makes it a lot easier to remember.) (Hey, you may think it sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised how past geniuses have struggled with the concept of museums located in the towns after which they're named.) Phil further explains that in order to get to New Zealand, the teams will first have to stop at a travel agency, because local laws won't let you book international flights out of India directly from the airport. I like the fact that the travel agency sign says they're open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. I guess if you had that particular local law, it would encourage travel agencies to do that, but how much business can they possibly get in the middle of the night? I'm thinking a lot of Scrabble is played in that office. Anyway, Colin gives this weirdly half-assed (or in his case, maybe it's just single-assed where he's usually double-assed), "We're on our way to New Zealand, baby," and they're off. Christie voices over that "as much as [she] loved India, it was time to move on." Didn't they get there, like, yesterday? That's rich. "I enjoy your enormous and culturally diverse country with its population of one billion, but I've been here for 24 hours already, and you can't expect me to stay forever." Christie further informs us that coming in first was a "great morale boost," but she thinks they need to work on having it be all right if everything doesn't go perfectly all the time. I'll tell you what's not going perfectly -- Colin's fashion statement involving that headlamp. That is not going perfectly. That is, in fact, going badly. The headlamp over that hair is just...really, really a bad plan.
At 2:37 AM, Chip and Kim are equally happy to hear about the trip to New Zealand. He voices over that they're "excited" about being in the front rather than dragging behind, although you'd think they'd be used to it by now. "Bottom-feeders" was a long time ago. Kim says they'll have to "get a little smarter" because the teams are all "playing hard" at this point. As the two front-running teams get ready to leave in their taxis, Chip reminds Colin and Christie to look at their clue for the information about the travel agency, and then we hear Chip explain that Colin and Christie are "the number one competitors," and he and Kim know that they'll have to "batten down the hatches and play [their] game." And buckle down! And put their noses to the grindstone! And grab for the brass ring! You can't have too many clichés when there's a million dollars on the line. Full speed ahead! Go to the mattresses! I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore! No wire hangers!
Back at the hotel, Brandon and Nicole are still skulking around, trying to get money. Brandon, contrary to what I like to see, is explaining all about how he's on this race, and what the rules are, and he's saying that they have all kinds of things they have to pay for, and they have no money. Nicole teases that they have to get by on Brandon's "good looks," which seems to provoke a little bit of an odd expression. ["The fact that The Amazing Foley Artists didn't pipe in the sound of crickets chirping right there shows more restraint than I would have." -- Sars] The guys generously produce some money. "One for you, and one for you," they say. It's always hard to tell whether that's "I feel for you, brother" money or "go away" money, but hey, taxi drivers take either one. Brandon calls this money "a great start."
Colin and Christie and Chip and Kim pull up to the travel agency. They go inside, and Colin, out in front of the group as usual, asks about tickets to Auckland. The travel agent says that they'll have to connect through Bangkok. (Tragically, this will apparently be this year's only visit to Thailand, which is kind of sad. I love it when they go to Thailand.) There is an Indian Airlines flight that arrives in Bangkok at 1:25 PM, so that sounds promising. There is then a Singapore Airlines flight from Bangkok to Auckland that arrives in Auckland at 11:35 AM (the yellow letters say PM, but it will turn out later to be AM), but there are no seats on that flight. The teams decide to book as far as Bangkok and then head to the airport and work on the Bangkok-Auckland part of the trip there. (Remember, you can book international flights at the airport, just not ones out of India.) You know, Colin's feathered hair is really freaking me out. It's so silky and fine that it reminds me of a baby shampoo commercial, but then he's got that horrific cut that I think he does with a Flowbee while lifting weights. It seems like the kind of multitasking he would go in for. They all leave the travel agency and pile in their cabs to the airport in Calcutta. In his cab, Chip talks about trying to get on the Singapore Air flight "somehow, some way." (Marshall Crenshaw: "Catchy, but needs a small tweak.")
At 3:25 AM, it's time for the Moms to happily chirp about going to New Zealand. I have a feeling everyone has seen about all of India that they care to. After, you know, a day. Linda announces in an interview that their goal for this leg is to be in the top three. She talks about how hard it is to keep climbing up from the bottom of the pack. And who can argue with that, really?
Brandon and Nicole are still back at the Hotel of Subsistence Racing, and now they're hitting up a couple of young women for money. Wisely, Brandon is doing the leg work. He tells them that asking for money "takes [him] out of his comfort zone." One of the girls hands over some money. I think she would be quite happy to take him out of his comfort zone. Chicka-bamp. "You guys are so sweet," Brandon semi-drawls. He and Nicole voice over that they've gotten their hands on some money, and hope they can get and keep themselves in the game. Boy, this money-grabbing thing has paid off big, provided that in terms of dramatic excitement, you think wheedling is the best thing to a series of explosions followed by explicit sex.
The Incredible-Hulk/Booby-Cooper Alliance shows up at the Calcutta airport and heads inside. And hey, it sounds like they've brought their drum machines with them! Chicka-bocka chicka-bocka chicka-bocka! It's about 4:00 AM, and nothing is open yet, so Hulk/Booby chills for a while in the cozy confines of the airport. Elsewhere, back at the travel agency, Linda merrily chirps to the agent that she needs to make some arrangements. Whee! Yay! Planes! Travel agents! It's all so squeeeeeeeeak! She gets the same routine about going through Bangkok, and then the same routine about the lack of seats from Bangkok to Auckland. She asks whether the other teams booked all the way to New Zealand, and when the guy tells her they only booked as far as Bangkok, she immediately says that's fine, and she agrees to leave. Oy. You know, it's not like it made a huge difference in this particular case, but that is just not my favorite attitude. I dislike that assumption that as long as you're doing what everybody else did, you should stop worrying, because it's not possible that you might find a better option. She's right in this case that going to the airport is as good of a plan as any, but I'm not totally pleased that she makes that decision so easily. They head to the airport.
4:38 AM. The Twinkies. When they see that the flight is to New Zealand, they make identical little "Ohhhh" noises that call to mind the sound you would get if you pulled the strings on the backs of two identical talking bobblehead dolls at the same time. Karli voices over as they leave the mat and get in their cab that, because they're twins, they're too much alike, so the same things bother them. Like fractions. No, no, not really. She says that in order to move up, they'll need to "stay calm and get along with one another." And this time, remember that when you unfold that big map thing, the side you're supposed to be looking at is the side with the writing on it.
Linda and Karen arrive at the airport at what is reported to be about 5:00 AM. Meanwhile, at the travel agency, the Twinkies ask about tickets out of India. This time, when they get to the Bangkok-Auckland portion, the guy tells them that while there were no seats when the other teams were around, there are now some flights beginning to open up. One of them flashes her Sexual Gifts look. He talks not only about the Singapore Air flight that will arrive at 11:35 AM -- which apparently still doesn't have adequate seats -- but also a Qantas flight that will arrive at 2:35 PM. The Twinkies book their tickets on Qantas. It's a safe thing to do, because Qantas never crashed. Qantas definitely never crashed.
6:07 AM. Brandon and Nicole read the clue, which tells them that they will only need $45 for the leg. As they run from the mat, Brandon voices over that their near-Philimination made them determined "never to give up." He also thinks that they "need to support each other." Oh, and also "leave it in the Lord's hands." (The Lord: "Do I have to sing that Jewel song about how small My hands are? Because I really hate that song. I mean, if anyone would believe that 'in the end, only kindness matters,' it would be Me, and I assure you that I would never say that.")
The Twinkies arrive at the airport at 6:30 AM. They note that all the counters are still closed. Meanwhile, Brandon and Nicole are back at the travel agency, grabbing that Indian Airlines flight out of Calcutta to Bangkok. Brandon tries to work on the Bangkok-Auckland flight, but is told that actually, they need to haul ass to the airport if they want to make their flight, because you have to arrive at the Calcutta airport three hours before your flight. And you thought the Vegas airport was bad. (Seriously, the Vegas airport is insane with the lines. Although I did once make it all the way through security while preposterously drunk, certain the entire time that I was going to turn into a cautionary tale from an episode of Airline, looking at the ticket agent all, "You're not from the shhtreets!" But anyway.) With that information, they grab their tickets and scoot. As they get in the cab, Nicole wonders whether this will put them on the same flight as everyone else. On the way to the airport, Brandon taxi-views that booking from Bangkok to Auckland will be strategically critical. True, that.
Speaking of which, as the Moms and Twinkies check in for the Indian Airlines flight, Hulk/Booby goes directly to the Singapore Airlines office. When they all try to crowd inside, the nice lady tells them that this is too many people, and only one team can stay. Don't crowd the nice lady! Colin and Christie, probably because the alternative is pistols at dawn, get to stay, while Chip and Kim retreat out into the airport to track down the Singapore Airlines counter. When they do, it appears to be a race between the lady in the office and the person at the counter to snag whatever seats may have opened up on the Singapore Airlines flight. Both teams ride their ticket agents pretty hard, and in the end, Colin and Christie (yawwwwn) emerge from the battle with tickets, and by the time Chip and Kim's person gets into the system, there aren't tickets for them. Chip disbelievingly notes that Colin and Christie (yawwwwn) got the only available seats, and when Hulk/Booby meets up again, Chip shares this information with Colin. "From this point forward, Chip and I have to be more aggressive," Kim notes, feeling the screws beginning to tighten. Colin happily deja-interviews that he and Christie have the edge, as they are the only people who made it onto the Singapore Airlines flight getting in at 11:35 in the morning. "Way to work it," he notes to Christie, suddenly transformed into the dreaded boyfriend/personal trainer from Runaway Bride. She did appear to do most of the work on that part, and it's good to know he's capable of being appreciative. You know, occasionally.
The Twinkies head for a phone to work on their travel arrangements, trying to improve on their Qantas flight, unaware that if they don't fix it, it will put them behind Colin and Christie by about three hours. Chip and Kim, on the other hand, know just where they stand as they book a New Zealand Airlines flight landing at 11:55. (Again, the yellow letters say "PM," but that's clearly not right. I hate it when post-production pays less obsessive attention than I do.) Chip explains that this will put them 20 minutes behind "that doggone Colin and Christie." Heh. "Doggone." Brandon and Nicole come up behind Chip and Kim at the counter, and the teams exchange friendly greetings. Nicole asks the guy behind the counter when the flight arrives in New Zealand. "12:20, baby," Brandon says, gently insistent, as if she's not listening. "Air New Zealand arrives at 11:55," the guy answers. (Once AGAIN, the yellow letters incorrectly say "PM.") They stand back from the counter, and Nicole teases, "So you know it all, don't you?" Brandon looks embarrassed, and then makes a "blah blah blah" face that's kind of hard to explain, but I thought it was pretty cute and not at all malicious. The guy offers Nicole a printout, and she says to Brandon calmly, "No question is a stupid question. Didn't you ever go to Pre-K...kindergarten?" "You stayed there a few years, didn't you?" he banters back. She mock-smacks him. "Did that stick out because you were in Pre-K for three or four years?" he deadpans. "Three years? Or four years?" he persists. She picks up her hand. "I'm gonna backhand you, boy," she says. "You won't be able to model ever again in this town." (At which point I said to the assembled horde in M. Giant's living room, "Where, in...Calcutta?")
In the British Airways office, Linda and Karen are working on tickets to New Zealand. Meanwhile, Kami is on the phone to what is probably Singapore Airlines, where she is put on hold and probably forced to listen to the canned synthesizer strings version of "Chariots of Fire." Linda, on the other hand, gets tickets to Auckland connecting from Bangkok through Kuala Lumpur. They take that flight, and as they head out, Linda tells the camera that they seem to be the only team taking that flight, and this seems to make her happy. Happy to be unique, I guess, since she doesn't seem to have any reason to think her flight is particularly good. In fact, their flight arrives at 12:20, so they're scheduled to come in about a half-hour after Chip and Kim and Brandon and Nicole. (I have to wonder whether Brandon and Nicole considered and declined the Kuala Lumpur option in favor of the one they took, and if that's the confusion that led Brandon to think that their flight was landing in New Zealand at "12:20, baby.") "Anything could happen," Linda observes. She looks to me like she's lost quite a chunk of weight, incidentally. It's not surprising, but it's the first time I've noticed it.
The Twinkies, the very team to which anything does seem to happen, are now trying some number that's "just ringing and ringing." It's probably a pancake restaurant or something. It's really easy to transpose your sixes and your nines. Kami tells Karli to get off the phone, because they need to go and make their flight to Bangkok. As they head for the plane, one of them voices over that they "need better tickets," and will continue trying to improve their lot in Bangkok.
All the teams get on the same flight from Calcutta to Bangkok. The Amazing Yellow Line helps out. "It's really barely worth dragging me out of the graphics department when there isn't even a connection," it mutters under its breath. In the Bangkok airport, Linda and Karen observe that they have a flight scheduled that gets to Auckland at 12:20. As we see them snooze on a plane, Phil explains that they will have a two-hour layover in Kuala Lumpur. The Twinkies head for Singapore Airlines to try to get on that flight that Colin and Christie have nailed down. At the counter, Kami tells the ticket agent that she has a reservation, and then she notes quietly to Karli that she just lied. When the ticket agent tells Kami that she has nothing and the flights are all booked, the lovely Kami becomes quite nasty. At least her acting skills are up to par, because her impersonation of a rude, demanding asshole who actually had a reservation that the airline was not honoring is dead-on. "I have reservations," she snaps. "I called and I confirmed!" The woman tells her that she's checked by the name, and there's no reservation. I have a feeling that this may not be the first time that an experienced airline ticket agent has heard that tricky maneuver. She says that without any paper or printout to show that they have the booking, and with no record in the system, they simply don't have it. "I don't understand why this is so hard," Kami says icily, as if the woman she's dealing with is a total idiot, rather than the other way around. "You don't have the booking with us. That's all," the woman tells Kami. In other news, the back of Kami's shirt says "Pete." I remarked at one point that it would be awesome if the back of Karli's shirt said "Repeat," but somebody else in the room pointed out that that would actually be witty, and was therefore highly unlikely.
Colin and Christie? Oh, yeah. They're still the only team on the Singapore Airlines flight. Phil explains that they will stop off in Singapore on their way to an 11:35 arrival in Auckland. Chip and Kim and Brandon and Nicole then board their British Airways flight, scheduled to get into Auckland at 11:55. They'll be stopping off in Sydney on the way. The Twinkies, meanwhile, are still trying to get an earlier flight than the one they have on Qantas, which would have them way behind. The ticket agent agrees to check. Tension mounts. The Twinkies note that they need to hurry up and do it if they're going to get on with Baby/Booby. "I totally hate...I hate airports," a miserable Twinkie says as she sits on the floor. Well, she picked the right show, then, didn't she? It's like going on Survivor and being all, "Man, I hate rice." Baby/Booby on board. The Twinkies massaging their own heads.
Commercials. Who annoys me more than Lenny Kravitz? Sarah Jessica Parker, so...this is perfect.
In Bangkok, the Twinkies continue to sweat their travel arrangements, while the two teams already on the New Zealand Airlines flight hang out and wait to leave. Abruptly, the gate agent helping the Twinkies announces that there are seats available, and she hands them tickets. They run through the airport to catch the flight. On the plane, Kim voices over that they were certainly hoping that Kami and Karli wouldn't get on the flight with them. She claims that she and Chip "need the extra buffer because the twins are just too doggone fast." "Doggone" certainly does seem to be the Chip and Kim Word of the Day. And you know, the girls may be fast, but it doesn't really help if you're frequently hurling yourselves in entirely the wrong direction. In this case, however, KamiKarli and KarliKami speed through the airport, manage to avoid any mistaken diversions into the baggage retrieval office, and at the last minute, they weasel their way onto the plane. One of them notes that they don't think they're in last place now, because the Moms would appear to be behind them. "This is going to keep us in the game," a Twinkie offers. The flight takes off, and Phil reminds you that three teams are traveling from Bangkok to Sydney together. Baby/Booby then are on the same flight from there to Auckland, but the Twinkies will switch to Qantas in Sydney and take a flight scheduled to land in Auckland 20 minutes later. Got all that? See, in theory, the Twinkies will land in Auckland at almost exactly the same time as the Moms.
In Auckland, meanwhile, Colin and Christie are landing at 11:35 AM, as anticipated. How sick am I of looking at Colin in khaki cargo pants? Very sick. They head out of the airport and grab a marked SUV. Colin asks Christie to help navigate, and she tells him that he needs to get on Route 1 to go to Rotorua. She further urges him to hurry up, because they're going to have teams right behind them. It's good that she said that, because of Colin's penchant for needless lollygagging.
And hey, here are some teams behind them now. The Baby/Booby flight lands in Auckland at 11:55. They leave the airport in SUVs, with Chip and Brandon handling the driving.
Colin and Christie are, as they note, "on [their] way" to Rotorua, having located Route 1, or so it seems. Chip and Kim are having some navigation difficulties, as are Brandon and Nicole. Brandon and Nicole do manage to find it, though, while Chip and Kim continue to struggle.
At 12:15 PM, the Twinkies -- "Currently in 4th Place" -- land in Auckland and hop in their SUV. Five minutes behind them, the Moms' plane lands right on schedule at 12:20. Or so they would have you believe. Linda and Karen -- "Currently in Last Place" -- notice the fact that they're getting into the last SUV as they leave the airport. "We know we're bringing up the rear," says Karen as she navigates from the back seat. They look for Route 1 south, hoping to make up some of the time.
Aaaand it looks like making up some time may be possible, as Chip and Kim are still lost looking for Rotorua. Chip pops his head into a store, but the guy doesn't know what he's talking about, and is no help. Similarly lost are the Twinkies, who shockingly can't find the highway either. Linda and Karen, however, find their way to Route 1 and are off, while Chip and Kim pull into a gas station to ask for directions. (You know what is remarkable? All three times that you see a team's-eye-view of the turn onto Route 1 as they make it, the same two white cars are approaching each other from opposite directions in exactly the same way. What are the odds that all the teams would have run into the same two cars at the same time? That is downright Twilight Zone, people!) They get their directions as we watch Kami and Karli run into a little touristy spot for some help of their own. Both of these teams make their way to the highway they need. (There are those two white cars again, when Chip and Kim go by! Who is in those white cars, and why are they going back and forth up and down Route 1 south toward Rotorua?) "We are pathetic," a Twinkie remarks sadly. You know, self-awareness is a good thing, except when it's sort of depressing like that. And what's especially unfortunate is that their team's-eye-view of the turnoff doesn't have the white cars, so apparently, they fell so far behind that the white cars had stopped driving back and forth along the highway endlessly by the time they got there. Even the white car people have lives to get back to, you know.
Now entering Rotorua are Colin and Christie. He stares intently ahead, talking about how they have to look for the Museum of Art and History. Not far away are Brandon and Nicole, also looking for the museum. When Colin and Christie find it, they run into the Yield box right off the bat. Phil explains all about the Yield again, while wearing some really goofy jeans that have been through too much self-conscious bleach-distressing. I mean, I'm assuming that's the result of bleach-distressing, because I don't think Phil slides around on the fronts of his thighs quite that much unless he's invented some kind of direct-contact snowless belly-first grass luge or something. Which I wouldn't put past him, actually. Anyway, after theoretically considering it, Colin and Christie step to the box and don't Yield anyone. And then Colin throws a thumbs-up. Dork. "We're not going to Yield someone to try to screw them over," Christie says happily. Nope. They're all about honor. They still want to win the old-fashioned way -- by getting arrested. When they pull the clue, it's this week's Detour, which offers a choice between Clean and Dirty. (I think Phil should say "Dirty" a lot more often, speaking solely for myself.) In Clean, you drive 13 miles to a whitewater area, where you'll go with a guide to travel a one-mile whitewater course with only a little boogie board to hang on to. I'm sorry, it's a "sledge." This would be known as your Reckless task. In Dirty, you go to a mud pool at a place called Hell's Gate and search for buried clues. This would be your Chicken task. The mud will be hot and steamy and gross, which isn't really a good thing unless you're at a spa, so there's also an added Embrace the Ick/Avoid the Ick Factor in this Detour.
Unsurprisingly, Colin and Christie go for the Clean option. Colin says that he thinks it will be "very, very fun." Because of all the things that are intense about Colin, the least intense thing about him is definitely his vocabulary. As they go, Christie asks him if he's going the right way. "Yes," he says impatiently. "I swear to God." But when he tells her what road they're coming up to, she says in a measured tone, "Yeah. We're going the wrong way." Rather than take her word for it, he insists on looking at the map while driving, and takes it from her. As he looks, she points out that as he is undoubtedly seeing, he really does need to turn around. He ultimately agrees, but as he gets turned around, he's unhappy that she's pouting a bit. "Are you even the least bit excited about whitewater sledging?" he asks, trying to keep her from talking about what she's actually unhappy about. Nothing doing. Christie: "I'm frustrated, because you won't listen to me when I tell you how to go on a map. And that's called trusting me. And you're not doing it." And that's not even called trusting her. It's just called not being a total control freak. "Okay, I apologize, I'm sorry. I should have just turned around," he says. While some people saw that apology as sarcastic, I didn't see it as sarcastic at all. I did see it as grudging and obligatory, which is bad, but different. ["I saw it as 'absent-mindedly responding while driving on an unfamiliar side of the road,' myself…reluctant as I am to defend him." -- Sars] She talks unconvincingly in a voice-over about how she thinks their relationship is "growing," but acknowledges that sometimes "one or the other" (by which she means Colin) "is not willing to take the higher road." "I stand corrected. I'm wrong, you're right," he says. As I said, I didn't take that as sarcastic, just perfunctory and thus something less than genuine. I realize that falls short of a ringing endorsement.
Brandon and Nicole get to the museum and the Yield box. They're not Yielding anyone either. Brandon voices over that they might use it "down the road," but not now. After they get the clue, they discuss the Detour in their SUV. Nicole sounds like she's leaning toward the whitewater, but Brandon tells her it will be "intimidating." He voices over that it might be a bit of his "protective father" showing, but he was concerned about doing the whitewater with "all the rocks and...Nikki banging her head." I would think she's old enough to make that call on her own, but hey, if her boyfriend wants to be her father, I guess that's...never mind, it's actually kind of disturbing. "Baby" shouldn't be literal. "What do you think? Are we just going to agree to do the mud?" he asks. "Yeah, that's fine," she says, slightly disappointed but not displeased.
Linda and Karen find the museum, and they step up to the Yield box. "We choose not to Yield at this time," Karen says. Linda snorts, "Yeah, 'cause we're last." Ass! You! Me! Remember the old saying? Sigh. They read the Detour clue and choose the Clean option. As they run to their car, we learn -- though they do not -- that they are "Currently in 3rd Place." As they drive, Linda unsurprisingly whines about the choice, saying she hopes they're not making a mistake. Karen tries to get her to stop being defeatist, saying, "I can tell in your voice you don't think we can do it." Linda's like, "I've never heard of sledging, have you?" "No," Karen acknowledges. "Then how do you know you can do it?" Linda asks. "I can do it," Karen says. "Okay, that's all I wanted to hear," Linda says. Oh, hee, reverse psychology! Actually, that was rather clever if it really went off as planned. It's hard to tell. If that wasn't the seat of her pants by which she was flying, it was a pretty neat trick.
As the Twinkies drive, they say that they expect to see the Yield box before the clue, and they anticipate that Chip and Kim may be just ahead of them and may Yield them. In fact, the Twinkies are following Chip and Kim to the museum, as it turns out. In the SUV, Chip wonders whether this might be a good time to use the Yield, now that he thinks of it, since he knows he's just ahead of the Twinkies.
Elsewhere, Colin and Christie are arriving at Okere Falls for the Clean Detour option. They're all happy and cool about doing the sledging, because woooooooo! They get suited up and helmeted, and woooooooo!, and then they grab their sledges and leap into the water, and woooooooo!
Brandon and Nicole, meanwhile, are making their way to the Dirty Detour. They find the marked mud pool and wade in. It's not brown, thick mud -- it's that gray, clay mud. Nicole almost immediately notes that her feet are stuck, but then she comes up with the observation that it's "kind of cool." Heh. It's early.
Colin and Christie are sledging like crazy. Woooooo! As Christie explains in a voiceover, it's fun at first, very whimsical, like something out of a water park. At one point, she does lose her grip on the sledge and it pops over upside down, but she gets it turned over again. Suspenseful!
Not so suspenseful? Brandon and Nicole, at the mud pool. In addition to Reckless/Chicken, this Detour is Riveting/Plodding.
As Colin and Christie get toward the late part of the ride, their guides pull them over to explain that they're about to go over a big falls. A guide explains, in fact, that this is the highest sledging falls in the world. And then Colin hops in with his guide. A cymbal crashes as he goes over the falls and then emerges with his sledge from out of the foam.
Brandon and Nicole muck around in the...well, in the muck. "Goll-lee, Brandon, how unlucky are we?" Nicole remarks. They certainly are clean of mouth. I haven't seen that much "Goll-lee" since The Andy Griffith Show.
Christie heads over the big falls. The guide tells her to just cling to the sledge as tightly as she can. Colin yells at her that she can do it, and she hops into the water. She goes over the falls and disappears into the white foam. When she pops up, she has become separated from her sledge. (M. Giant, disappointed: "She had one job.") They actually try to create a suspenseful moment when her sledge appears before she does and you're supposed to wonder if she's dead, but honestly? I didn't wonder. She voices over that the race has made her realize all of the things she's capable of. Like tolerating assholes, for instance. Well, she doesn't say that, but in terms of transferable skills, I think that's the one she's really been working on. As Colin adds in a voice-over that Christie is "constantly amazing [him] on this race," we watch them run, and he's got his wetsuit all pulled down and his entire upper body hanging out. And he's really pumped, which I should like, considering my known history with shoulders, but...it's creepy on him. His arms look like sausage links -- albeit very big sausage links -- and the whole effect is just wrong. Maybe it really is what's on the inside that counts.
Nah.
Anyway, when they get out of the water, they pull a clue that tells them to drive themselves 20 miles to Matapara Farms, where they will find another clue box. They leave, talking about adrenaline and being "high on life" and so forth. High on life? Is it 1978 again already?
And now, Chip and Kim and the Twinkies are approaching the museum and -- dun-dun-dunnnnn! -- the Yield box. Chip and Kim pull up, get out, and stand at the Yield box. The Twinkies can actually see them, as they're literally just behind. Standing on the Yield mat, Chip taunts a little, waiting for the Twinkies to get out of their SUV before he starts rummaging through the Yield box for their picture, which is the way you identify whom you're Yielding. "We choose to Yield...," he says, as the Twinkies run toward him, panicking. He pauses. "The..." He pauses again. And then just as they run up to him, he hollers, "Never will we Yield you, because we love you!" Oh, what the FUCK. Chip, use the damn Yield, would you? And he actually hugs them before he leaves. Maybe that whole thing about how this isn't the Amazing Montessori School is just a myth. Some Twinkie voices over about how Chip has, by not using the Yield, "redeemed himself." I don't think it's necessary at this point to say again that Chip has never had anything to redeem himself for, so I just...won't.
Chip runs from the Yield box to the clue box, as he voices over that he didn't Yield the Twinkies largely because he thought the Moms were far behind. However, when he pulls his clue, he learns that there is only the Twinkies' clue left in the box, and he realizes that Linda and Karen are not behind this pair of teams, but ahead of it. Chip and Kim and Kami and Karli read the Detour clue, and while Chip and Kim conclude that the mud would "take too damn long" and head for the falls, the Twinkies decide that they'll do the Dirty option. "I'd rather go in hot mud than cold water right now," one of them remarks. Wow, I don't know what the right way to make a Detour decision is under all circumstances, but I'm pretty sure going by "what I feel like doing" is not the right move.
In the SUV, Chip is talking about how he had believed the Moms were behind them, and now he's thinking they should have Yielded the twins after all. "It completely snatched the rug from beneath me!" he says. He calls it a "huge, huge, huge mistake" not to have used the Yield. The trailing teams make their respective ways toward the Detour options. Dramatic!
Commercials. If they don't stop showing Rupert, I just don't know what I'll do.
Chip and Kim are on their way to Okere Falls. The Twinkies are on their way to Hell's Gate. Chip wonders whether not Yielding the Twinkies will turn out to be his "biggest mistake in life." His biggest mistake in life? Golly. That would make you a lucky guy, Chip.
Linda and Karen arrive at the falls, sure that everyone else has already been and they are indeed in last place. As they take in the water, Linda asks the guide how hard the ride will be. "It's difficult," the guy says curtly. "You want to do the other one?" Linda asks tentatively. Karen isn't sure. Linda leaves it to Karen, and Karen goes ahead and gets into the wetsuit. So that's good, sort of. Linda asks whether she'll drown, and then she says, "If they're screwing the helmet to my head, it can't be good." Indeed, the helmets are impressive -- they remind me of the ones that they wear in boys' lacrosse. (You don't watch boys' lacrosse? Pfft. You grew up in the wrong part of the country.) They hop into the water and start riding with their guides.
Brandon and Nicole? Oh, yeah. They're still searching in the mud. Brandon wonders whether they're "doing it right." Heh. Like maybe there's some other way to search in the mud for an envelope. Nicole doesn't see how else you'd do it. "How long have we been here?" she asks. "Too long," Brandon says. "We should have done the whitewater thing, you know?" she says. They keep looking.
Linda and Karen shoot the rapids, as it were. Linda voices over that as she got the hang of it, she started to think that the rapids might actually be fun. Karen, on the other hand, offers that she was working very hard and was out of breath, and she wasn't sure she could make it all the way down the course. As they approach the big falls, Karen starts to fret that she's not sure she can do it. Linda tells her they're doing it. The guide tells them to look at where they'll go over. "There's your taaaaahh-get!" he tells them. Linda hops in and goes over. She lives. Karen again tells her guide she's not sure she can do it. She calls herself "too afraid." The guide tells her to just hold on tight, and she says she'll try. He blows the whistle, and she goes in. She goes over the falls, and emerges unscathed. "The kids are gonna be so proud of you!" Linda screams. And at that moment, even though she's being loud, I kind of loved her. Despite the fact that I think their kids are probably often mortified, as anyone would be. They get out and read the clue for Matapara Farms. In the SUV, Karen still has a little bit of a sledger's high, talking all about how cool it was and what a good time she had.
Brandon and Nicole. Still in the mud. Brandon tells her that sometimes he thinks he's got one, and then it turns out that...he doesn't.
Colin and Christie pull into Matapara Farms by the big red and yellow flag. They get out and read a Roadblock clue that says, "Who's ready for a wild ride?" Phil shows up to explain to us that "in this Roadblock, that person has to work with an unusual device that New Zealanders use for...well, basically, cheap thrills." Wow, if this show had a sex-o-meter, it would totally go "zoing!" every time Phil says "cheap thrills." It turns out to be a big inflatable ball called a zorb, which has a smaller compartment inside it that you can sit in, which in turn has water in it to keep you from getting scratched by plastic. So basically, you're sitting in water inside a giant plastic ball, which you have to start the task by inflating. Then you crawl inside, roll down a big hill, and work your way across the finish line by walking the zorb from the inside -- like, as Phil points out, "a hamster in a wheel." When they're done with the Roadblock, they'll jump out and run with their partners to the pit stop.
Colin takes the Roadblock, because it's studly, and so is he. Christie voices over that she "got the biggest kick out of Colin" (not literally) because he likes extreme sports, so this is the kind of thing he likes. Colin feels the need to show off his "high on life" thing again, so he does a back flip, which -- while it's technically successful, which is impressive, also barely lands him on his feet. I have to say, as a show-off maneuver, that kind of flopped. Back flips have to look effortless, or they look weak. Not fair, but true. Aaaand inside the zorb, Colin gives the devil horns, or Texas horns, or whatever that "Woooo!" thing is supposed to be with the index fingers and the pinkies. For someone who is so impressed with his own inherent sense of smolder, he is an enormous twerp sometimes. He rolls down the hill, getting tossed around inside the ball like clothes in a washer. In his voice-over, he calls it "like this moving water slide." Which doesn't look like it's an entirely bad description. They get to the bottom, and he walks it across the finish line. "Looks like a little hamster," she says, not realizing how that sounds. Or the numerous ways in which it's true. And then he does some more horns, and they run to the pit stop. Yawn, you are team number one, yawn, vacation, yawn, romantic Europe. Colin: "I would say the race has strengthened Christie and I's [sic] relationship." He says they're learning. Which I'm fairly sure is not true. I see no learning. Oh, and he says he would never be with anybody else. But it's totally not because nobody else would put up with his bullshit. Not at all. It's just because he's intense. EAT DRUMS! EAT DRUMS!
Karen somehow winds up having to do the Roadblock again, so she gets prepared for the zorb ride. She rolls. "Go, Kareeeen!" Linda shrieks. Linda points and says how much fun it looks like, which...yeah. Just wondering why she didn't do it, if it looks like such a good time. Karen works her way to the finish, and they head for the finish line, Linda cackling the entire time. They are very surprised to be team number two, which is, as Linda points out, the highest they've ever finished. Karen points out, in case you need reminding, that they "never give up."
Brandon and Nicole? Yep. Still in mud hell. "This is so frustrating," Brandon says.
Chip and Kim approach the falls for the Clean Detour. "I hope we're still in it," Chip mutters.
KamiKarli hopes out loud that other people are having bad luck just as they are.
Brandon and Nicole. Mud. Brandon: "This is just crazy." I agree. "I'm gettin' really frustrated," he offers. He voices over that by this time, they had realized that they made "a horrendous mistake" in choosing their Detour option. "Come ON!" he growls, which is about as angry at the universe as Brandon ever gets. Edge of your seat!
Commercials. You really haven't lived until you've seen Trash expound on these mildly pornographic Burger King commercials. They disturb her very deeply.
Mud pit. Brandon and Nicole. They keep looking. He falls down and lands in the mud on his ass. (M. Giant: "Dang!") Brandon: "Dang!" He voices over that he had to just stop and realize that he needed to turn the Detour over to God. "Do you want to stop and pray?" he asks Nicole. "Just pray out loud," she says, still looking. Heh. She's like, "Pray loudly enough for both of us, baby; I'm up to my elbows in mud." I thought that was really funny. "Lord, help us find this, please," he moans, falling smack into the "Dear God, please make me win" that he's been so careful to avoid in the past. I guess mud does things to a person. As he continues to pray, the Happy Jesus Music comes up on the soundtrack thusly: "Mmmmmmaaaaah." There is more about the Lord, and trusting, and he says he believes the Lord will lead him right to the clue. (The Lord: "I don't do free throws, awards shows, or reality television. Learn it, live it, love it.") But through the wonder of prayer (and editing), Brandon soon finds the clue he seeks. "Oh, thank God," Nicole says, and then adds, "Literally." Heh. Brandon also offers big ups to the big guy on his way out of the mud pit. They hose off, and come up with the clue for Matapara Farms. They take off in their SUV.
The Twinkies are just arriving at Hell's Gate, and as they're arriving, Brandon and Nicole spot them. "The twins may very well just stick their hands in one time and find it," Brandon comments. "That's why we've got to hurry up and get to this farm."
Hell's Gate. Twinkies, searching through the mud. "Will it be obvious, do you think?" one of them asks. "Yeah," says the other.
Chip and Kim pull in at the falls. The Twinkies keep mud-searching. "Why are we making this so hard?" one of them asks. "We make everything too hard," says the other. Chip and Kim pull on their wetsuits. As Chip puts on his giant flippers, he becomes ponderous (an effect that giant flippers often have), saying, "I hope I'm not doing it all for naught. But then again, in this race, you never give up." They hop in the water.
Brandon and Nicole reach Matapara Farms. "Who's ready for a wild ride?" Nicole reads at the Roadblock. She turns to Brandon. "You do it!" she says, all chipper. He's like, "Um, okay." As they run to the starting line, he says, "Pump up a zorb? Baby, I hate this stuff." Heh. ["Like all he does at home is pump up zorbs, so it's a busman's holiday. That cracked me up." -- Sars] She says, "Yeah, but I want a million dollars." Hey, can't argue with that. I mean, you can, but you'd need literature on subjugation and learned helplessness and that sort of thing. No, actually, I didn't think that line was that big of a deal. I think they tease back and forth quite a bit -- as witnessed in the airport -- and if you don't know they're teasing, they look much worse than they actually are. Brandon pumps up the zorb and hops inside. As a chuckling Nicole watches, he gets down the hill and over the finish line. And if you don't get a birthing vibe when you see these people slide out of the zorbs down the tube thing with all the water around them, then you're not paying attention. So anyway, Brandon is born. Or, you know, born again.
They run up to the pit stop. Welcome, Brandon and Nicole, you are team number three. They're quite relieved.
At Hell's Gate, the Twinkies hunt through the mud for their clue. They must have gotten pretty lost after the Detour clue, because one of them asks, "I wonder if Chip and Kim did this." The other says, "Oh, Kim would not do this. I can just see her being like, 'Hell, no.'" Yeah, that Kim. She's quite a delicate flower.
BAM! goes Kim over the waterfall. BAM! goes Chip similarly.
And then we are back at the mud pit, where Pete and Repeat are still searching. In perhaps my favorite shot of the episode, one of them is all bent over with her feet in the mud and her hands in the water, and...I think she's trying to shake water out of her ear, but she does it by kind of doing a full-body quiver, like a wet dog. It's just...bizarre, completely. If she's not shaking out water, she needs to have that looked at.
Chip and Kim get out of the water to prepare for the final falls. Chip confirms "the golden rule" for the guide, which is "hang on." And then he hops in. Oooooover the falls!
A Twinkie goes over to a different area of mud, saying that it "feels lucky."
Kim goes oooooover the falls! She survives.
KamiKarli (or possibly KarliKami) pulls a clue out of the mud. "Wooo! Awesome!" says her sibling.
Chip tells Kim how proud he is of her for her sledging skillz, and they smooch. The two teams read the clue for Metapara Farms and take off. In the Twinkie SUV, one of them's like, "Wouldn't it be funny if we were going in the wrong direction again?" "Hysterical," comes the bitchy reply. Chip continues driving while Kim navigates with the map. (And anybody who thinks Kim doesn't do anything? Kim always navigates. Always.) In the Twinkie SUV, Kami frets that they're in last place. In his SUV, Chip frets about exactly the same thing. Driving! Driving! Horns blaring on the soundtrack!
And then someone is pulling into the farms and getting out of the SUV, and it's...Chip and Kim. She pulls the clue. "It's a Roadblock. You're gonna do it, right?" "Uh, what is it?" he asks. "You're gonna do it regardless," she mutters as she opens it, and I have a feeling that what's at work here is that they think they're in last place, and Kim thinks it's because he took it upon himself to fuck around with the Yield, so she's giving him a little bit of shit and not feeling much like doing a Roadblock right now. She reads the "wild ride" clue and repeats, "You are." We watch as Chip barrels down the hill in the zorb, yelling the whole time. Kim cheers for him as he crosses the finish line. They run up to the pit stop. Welcome, Chip and Kim. You are team number four. They are extremely relieved. Phil gives Chip a bit of a bad time about electing against using the Yield. Man, Phil has good spies. Chip chastises himself for "goof[ing] around" and being a "jokester" when confronted with that decision. "So what's the moral of the story?" Phil asks, mock-seriously. "Use the Yield!" Chip laughs back.
In substantially more darkness, the Twinkies pull into the farm, and one or the other -- doesn't matter at this point, does it? -- rolls down the hill in the zorb. She pops out, and they face the music. Twinkies, you are last. And this time, you are going home. Karli voices over that their relationship "could be better." There is some more talk about how being twins means dealing with yourselves twice or something, and how well they know each other, and then there's a weird remark about "being together in different races of our life," and then we're done. Mercifully.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Chip's fear of heights. Colin's hatred of either Christie or a cow -- it's hard to tell. "The ultimate betrayal," involving the Yield. If they think that's the ultimate betrayal, they're not getting out enough.