Previously on Ryan Seacrest May Have His Own Show, But Does He Have A Statue With Wings? No, I Didn't THINK So: The drama. The comedy. The heartbreak. The schadenfreude. The flora. The fauna. The falling. The locals. The music. The agony. The ecstasy. The Emmy.
Nervous stringed instruments leap forth to re-introduce us to southern California (update: still smoggy; still soulless) and its idyllic beaches, which are, surprisingly, not currently on fire. We skim across the impossibly blue water and encounter a lovely boat decorated with Phil, the World's Spiciest Adventure Host. He talks about being near Santa Monica, but I am distracted by the groundbreaking normalcy of his outfit, which includes khaki pants, a white turtleneck, and a blue zip-up. Looks like Phil is no longer being dressed by a second-grade arts and crafts class, which means he is probably far less likely to show up in a bikini made of egg cartons and elbow macaroni. Sort of a relief; sort of a shame. Phil tells us that there will be eleven teams, all of whom have decided to go zinging around the world. Whoever does it the fastest will win some money. How much money? A million dollars. (Of which you will have $308.64 left after taxes, including the new federal Surveillance Assessment soon to be proposed by John Ashcroft. There's a price to be paid for security, people. Did you think subcutaneous homing devices were free?)
Phil explains that adorable little "lifeguard transport vehicles," evidently manufactured by Fisher-Price for its Li'l Beachcomber series, are taking the teams to the starting line at the Santa Monica Pier. Indeed, look, a pier! There's even a Ferris wheel, and as you know, a Ferris wheel always says Good Family Fun, except when it says Meet Your Stomach Contents or Haven't You Always Wanted To Learn About Joint and Several Liability?
To no one's surprise, Phil explains that each team has "an existing relationship." My brain fills in the inadvertently omitted words, "For now."
Brandon and Nicole, as others have noted, really do look shockingly Blue Lagoon, because he is working the Guarini mop, while she is working the nondescript long dark hair that is worn by approximately 78 percent of the female reality show contestants who have ever been born. Phil says that these two have recently come to L.A. after a one-year long-distance relationship. It turns out that Brandon has another even longer-distance relationship, as he interviews that the rest of the teams will find that he and Nicole are "committed Christians." Behind him, pagans crackle in the fireplace. Of course, he says that he and Nicole also play hard, so don't think he won't knock you right back to Leviticus if you butt in line. Because they haven't made enough friends yet, we now learn that Nicole just got finished being Miss Texas USA. This is a title she apparently won, if the accompanying video is any guide, by getting her hair to assume the exact shape of a Bundt cake. A Bundt cake enclosed in a tiara. Uh, wrapped in an enigma, I guess. She goes on to argue that she will have an advantage as a result of this history. I totally agree. If they have a Roadblock where you have to bungee jump, she's the only one who will figure out that instead of attaching the cord with hooks, you could just glue it to your ass with spray adhesive.
Kami and Karli (no, really) are identical twins, because the people in casting still think abusing the recapper is really, really funny. The good news is that at least they're not triplets, because three people should not have those creepy smiles. Karli explains, as we watch them jauntily play soccer, that she and Kami have "nonverbal language." But she can't really describe it. Because it's just that nonverbal. She says Kami knows "every single thing about [her]," which I suspect still leaves plenty of mental real estate unoccupied. They look at their interviewer serenely and say that one thing that will happen in the race will be "doing what [they're] good at." And then they pause. And they smirk. And they tip their heads. And they say in unison, "Manipulating." Wow. I think that's the fastest a team has ever gone from zero to dead-to-me.
Linda and Karen are best friends and they like to bowl together. Wait, are they air traffic controllers? Because they might have already been on this show. Someone should check their fingerprints, because it's amazing what they can do with surgery these days. Anyway, Linda says that they "always try to outdo each other," in both bowling and cooking. I do hope they keep those two things straight, because roast turkeys don't really roll straight, making it very hard to pick up the spare. Karen adds that they "go in to win." Oh, good. Nothing pleases my ear quite like peppy sayings that weakly rhyme.
Marshall and Lance are not Kevin and Drew. That would probably hold you, information-wise, but Phil does elaborate that they're brothers who own a pizza place. They promise to fight and "come close to killing one another." You know, hostility is really something that should develop naturally, fellas. It usually does for me. Coincidentally, it's happening right now. The one I think is Lance (who I secretly suspect has been overcompensating for being named "Lance" since he was in short pants) says he's "abrasive" and "loud" even though he's "never really looking to offend someone," but only "being [him]self." I have never had anyone except total assholes use that "I gotta be me, so all my behavior is pre-excused on account of inevitability" argument, so that does not bode well.
Charla and Mirna are cousins, and Mirna, a chirpy blonde with big hair, starts things off very badly by jumping down and starting off the wrong way from the truck. That is not a good sign at all. "Jump out of the truck and take a right" is a direction you should be able to successfully follow if you're thinking you're going to be able to find your way to little red and yellow flags in the middle of the jungle later. Charla has a form of dwarfism, and Mirna points out that a lot of people look at Charla and see someone short. I will admit that I look at Charla and see someone short, so up to this point, I am apparently one of the bad people. But then Mirna says that people "automatically assume [Charla's] going to be weak," and I certainly wouldn't assume that. Especially after the shot of Charla carrying Mirna on her shoulders, which is pretty cool and makes me feel like I'm standing on my head and watching The Mighty. In less auspicious news, Mirna calls Charla not only "tough" but also "feisty." I've said it before, and I'll almost surely say it again -- the word "feisty" should only be used ironically. Never self-identify as "feisty," ever. Feisty Charla says that the race will be a great chance to "break all stereotypes about little people." Keep that in mind for later.
Dennis and Erika are another of your Young Dating Couples, which are in abundant supply this year. She's very (very) blonde, while he's very (very) cute. They used to be engaged, but not anymore. Wow, that sounds...promising, if you like pain and awkwardness. Dennis calls Erika "high-maintenance," which reminds me that after "feisty," "high-maintenance" is close on my list of things that you should never say about yourself or your partner. Erika calls the show their "ultimate love test." Uh...ultimate love test? Ew. Why would you risk having to ultimately test your love on no sleep without access to Diet Coke or dental floss? Never test your love when your teeth are furry. She says the race will "amplify who [they] both really are" so that they can see if they're compatible. Why people so often want to test their compatibility in ordinary circumstances by exposing themselves to extraordinary circumstances always kind of confounds me, and this is no exception.
Bob and Joyce are both on the upper end of the age range, both widowed, and they met online and are now a couple. We watch them rollerblading as Joyce explains that they have "a second chance at love." You'll notice that she, having lost her husband to cancer, does not consider reality television the "ultimate love test." Bob thinks other teams will underestimate them (DRINK!), so I guess they're planning on being the stealth team, making them (surprisingly) the Chris and Amanda of their season. I suspect they won't say "fuck" as much, but if Joyce threatens to eat someone's car about ten minutes from now, you'll know that the comparison is apt, and that Bob will be praying for no tasks requiring him to distinguish among similarly dressed party guests. Bob insists that they two of them are fit and are smart enough to win. And then he says, "You fuckers." No, not really.
Colin and Christie are also a Young Dating Couple. She looks just like Nicole, basically, but he has straight brown floppy hair rather than curly blond floppy hair. Christie says that she and Colin are "aggressive." Colin, who looks kind of like Peter Krause wearing a thinned-out Dorothy Hamill wig, says that he's "very intense." In fact, he claims that he "could possibly be the most intense person that's ever run this race." Yeah, you could possibly be, but as it happens, you're not.
Chip and Kim are married parents. They have a computer company that they run together, meaning that they see each other substantially more than is probably a good idea. Kim says they are together "twenty-three hours a day." During the twenty-fourth hour, they are let out into separate exercise yards for recreation time. Chip says that they constantly "grow in love and respect for each other," but he also takes a moment to call her "doggone beautiful." Well, that's nice. You don't hear "doggone beautiful" nearly often enough, I find.
Jim and Marsha are the first father-daughter team ever, here in the fifth season. She looks a lot like Nicole and Christie. I hope those three women don't bond and start hanging out together, because my eyes will cross and it will be like when there were all those Steves and Jons and Daves last season. Oh, and Jim isn't just any father -- he's a military father, so if you don't eat your carrots, you have to do push-ups face-down in the mud. I'm really looking forward to the Roadblock where you have to bounce a basketball off your teammate's head. Marsha interviews that her dad refuses to see her as an adult, and always sees her as a "ten-year-old little girl." He points out that it's more that sometimes, she seems like a "twenty-six-year-old little girl." Yeah. I kind of feel him, having seen the episode.
Alison and Donny are here because CBS is infested with nitwits who don't know the difference between good and bad shows, or don't understand that it might be nice to occasionally try to make the latter more like the former, rather than the other way around. They're also a Young Dating Couple, and you may remember her from her performance as the most obnoxious thing about Big Brother 4, which is remarkable, considering that there was practically no one in that entire season who didn't richly deserve a sound thrashing with a cricket bat. She's generally mean to Donny, and she's already humiliated him by dicking around with other guys on television, but here they are anyway, because what the hell? This show only won an Emmy. Why wouldn't you look for ways to marry it to the biggest piece of cheap-ass, bottom-feeding crap CBS has in its entire lineup? I mean, people who like well-made shows aren't a desirable demographic. You can't advertise to them. They don't buy soda and cars and sneakers and stuff. What you have to do in order to make money is push the envelope on voyeuristic, emotionally vacant train wrecks, because you know what the people who like that stuff are, television-wise? They are underserved. They are neglected. There should be a show for them! There should be something for them to watch! Sigh.
Donny says that they "fight a lot" and "break up a lot," and he's not sure why they're still together.
The teams stroll across the sand as Phil gives his traditional speech in which he says that we'll have to see which team has the combination of "brains, brawn, and teamwork" necessary to win. And as always, it's hard for me to believe those words apply to anyone involved. Back on the boat, Phil says that these questions await us as we get ready to start...The Amazing Race. Aw, I think I just teared up a little.
We glide over to find our teams at the end of the Santa Monica Pier, all lined up in their traditional cantaloupe shape, like they're a college a cappella group preparing to sing "Is She Really Going Out With Him?" Phil lectures the teams that of the thirteen legs, there will be eight elimination points. He explains about how they have to pay for everything but plane tickets with their own money, and adds that even in the non-elimination legs, you won't want to be last, because it will make your life difficult in a way that he's not going to specify just yet. Phil tells them that their first clue is waiting with their luggage up the pier a bit, and when he gives the word, they can go. They'll get their clues and then head for one of the marked cars waiting in the parking lot. He mentions the million-dollar prize again, and they all clap, like, "Yay, money!" I think they forgot all about the money. And now for Phil's traditional sendoff: "The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe." He raises his arm and gives a massive eyebrow pop, which I am taking as a shout-out. "GO!"
Everybody tears off down the pier past Phil, with a couple of wipeouts along the way. He leans back, doing his "please don't flatten the host" thing, which I still love. There is running. Running! And yelling. Yelling! I really missed the running and yelling. I missed everything, actually. Even with Alison, I'm happy. "Charla, come on, come on," Mirna nags, pulling Charla by the hand. Is that faster, with the pulling? I can't imagine it is. The rest of the teams get out a bit ahead of Charla and Mirna, and Mirna's again with the "Come on, Charla, run, run." First to arrive at the luggage are Colin and Donny, followed quickly by everybody else. The group tears into their envelopes. Rrrrrrip! What a great sound. Christie reads the clue, which says that they need to find "the hand in the sand" in Uruguay. If this doesn't cause you to spend three days singing something like, "Put your hand in the sand of the man from Uruguay" to yourself, you're a better person than I am. Or at least a luckier one, with less extensive history of camp songs.
Anyway, Uruguay. Hey, new country! The teams are given options of only two flights. And for whatever reason, they've been given $97.23 for the first leg by the jokers in race logistics. Perhaps your local numerologist can tell you whether there's some way that 97.23 spells F-A-M-E-W-H-O-R-E, because I wouldn't put it past...well, the jokers in race logistics. "You can do it, baby," Colin says to Christie as they take off. "Let's GO!" squawks KamiKarli with KarliKami right behind her. As Dennis and Erika run, he asks her if she saw that he got tripped. "Yes," she says. Colin and Christie seem to be first into their car, but the other YDCs and the twins are close on their heels. "Screeeeeeech!" says a car squealing away from the pier. Charla and Mirna have reached their clue, and seem happy about the idea of Uruguay. Cars continue to roll out, and KamiKarli sticks her arm out the window of the car and goes, "Woooooo!" It seems to me that KamiKarli might want to save up some of her "Woooooo!" for something more exciting than leaving a parking lot. The cars streak down the road and out the exit.
Credits. And THANK you, they've brought back the old music. With, most comfortingly, the rest at the end right before the last three notes and the [BOMP]. I was never really comfortable without the rest.
Frenetic music. We are still following black cars as they fly out of the exit (on both sides of the double yellow line, incidentally, which looks strange). Colin and Christie are in the lead, and she's navigating from the back while he drives. She's taking an alternate route, however, hoping everybody else just takes the 405. Colin expresses gratitude that Christie used to be a local. Hey, it worked like a charm for Wil and Loud Pushy Frank. They both...you know, could have won. KamiKarli and KarliKami stop and get a guy to tell them the fastest way to the airport. KamiKarli reads KarliKami the information on the two flights, as Alison follows them, telling Donny that she might not have chosen to take this route, but she's happy to follow the twins. Marshall and Lance review the American and United flights that are available. In the Dennis/Erika car, talk turns to the matter of Dennis's having been tripped at the starting line by Colin, whom Erika refers to as "Texas." Colin, meanwhile, is telling Christie that it was instead Dennis who ran into him. Dennis sort of wants to get over it, and after Erika gets in her last theory, which is that Dennis couldn't have fallen as a result of contact from someone behind him if he hadn't been pushed, she drops it. Highway driving ensues.
Back at the pier, Joyce is telling Bob to "open the hood." Joyce, I realize that they always tell you to be careful with preventive maintenance, but this is no time to check the oil, sister. I think she actually means the trunk, and Bob doesn't seem as confused by the request as I feel. Jim and Marsha, too, are struggling to find the trunk release so that they can pack up their bags. Jim finally opens the trunk with the key -- imagine that crazy scheme. Meanwhile, Charla and Mirna -- who is wearing a goofy little black-and-white scarf that I can definitely do without -- encourage themselves to get to the airport quickly. Linda and Karen take off as well -- wow, where have they been?
As Jim and Marsha drive, he mentions that his knee is bleeding rather badly. She turns around in the driver's seat to look. "Oh, Dad!" she says with alarm, as we see that Jim's entire knee and a good part of the rest of his leg are soaked with blood. Ew. Jim tells her to forget it and drive. I'm kind of surprised he didn't just carve his leg off and throw it out the window, in retrospect. Jim says that he thinks that when he tripped, he ripped his knee on a nail in the pier, and the Amazing Editors take you back to the starting line with the spot shadow on Jim, so that you can see him take the fateful tumble. Marsha voices over that her dad, as a military guy, has a "never-give-up attitude." Yeah, if he were going to give up, the part where he was dripping blood would have been the best possible time.
Bob and Joyce discuss the fact that they're in last place as they finally get going away from the parking lot. We catch up briefly with Chip and Kim and Brandon and Nicole as they work through the traffic. "Honk, babe, you're an L.A. driver," Nicole encourages in a whiny voice that's going to get old very quickly. Meanwhile, Colin and Christie are hitting no traffic on her alternate route. She says that he's her "best friend," and that she can do anything with him there, which is nice, but kind of obvious. He's her "rock," which you can put with "feisty" and "high-maintenance" on the "say this, shut up" pile.
KarliKami, who's navigating, tells KamiKarli, who's driving, to get in the middle lane. Elsewhere, Lance congratulates himself on working his way through traffic, saying that it's obvious that there will be an opportunity to get ahead of the other teams, some of whom "have women driving." Yeah. Driving over your ass if you don't close your flapping yap, Hand-Tossed-Crusty the Non-Clown. KamiKarli doesn't move the car fast enough for KarliKami, who says, "Dammit, when I say get over, get over." Hey, I thought they had the voodoo vibes. Why didn't she just send the Secret Twin Bat Signal for "change lanes"? In an interview, they say that when they don't get along, they like to "take it out on each other." And of course, that's what teamwork is all about.
In Alison and Donny's car, he tells her that the seats are first-come, first-served. As opposed to, I guess...alphabetical? Erika needles Dennis not to fall behind and wind up missing the first plane. Oh, hey, dramatic irony! She interviews that they broke up because neither of them were ready to get married, which perhaps means that the CBS publicity story of their having broken up because she went skydiving naked is at least partially misleading. I would like to think so.
Colin and Christie are first to make it to our old stomping grounds, LAX's Park One. They're first on the shuttle, and they head for American Airlines.
And now, Phil explains a few things about the flights. The first flight out is American, and there are enough seats for four teams. The second flight is United, and there are enough seats for the other seven teams. As it turns out, however, the American flight has a longer layover, and actually lands later than the United flight. He also reminds us that once you receive your tickets, you can't exchange them.
Marshall and Lance, Kami/Karli, and Alison and Donny are on their way into the airport. Alison snaps something at Donny, who says, "And it starts." And...well, exactly, dude. She's a horror. Haven't noticed yet? I don't feel sorry for you. It's not like there haven't been hints. Donny goes on to interview that he's not sure why he and Alison are still together. He speculates that God might be "playing a weird joke." Or it's possible that God has already sent him several thousand signals, such as placing his girlfriend on television and allowing him to literally watch her disrespecting the crap out of him, and God has no more freaking idea about why he keeps ignoring the signals than anybody else does. Erika and Dennis head in behind all these folks. Four teams now all look to be headed for the same shuttle to the airport, but Marshall and Lance get on first and convince the driver not to pick the other three teams up, so the driver speeds off without them.
Colin and Christie make the inaugural march into the airport. They go up to the American Airlines counter -- well, an American Airlines counter -- and happily note that there are no other teams there. Elsewhere, Kami/Karli, Alison and Donny, and Dennis and Erika all get that shuttle they've been needing. When they're all aboard, these three teams agree to work together in the airport. Alison warns that there are still a lot of other teams to deal with when they try to get flights, and Donny smirks, "We've still got the midget to worry about, come on." Yeah, you know...I can start to see why they're still together. At least it means they can both be struck down by the same bolt of lightning.
Speaking of which, Charla and Mirna have apparently screwed up the drive to the airport. "God help us! We need all the help we can get!" Mirna says. God is...indifferent. Linda and Karen and Bob and Joyce are also heading for the airport substantially behind most of the youngsters.
Marshall and Lance arrive at American Airlines. Inside, they walk up to Colin and Christie, and both teams note that they're supposed to be finding a flagged ticket line, and they don't see it. Sigh. Considering that failure to be observant is going to be a theme of the episode, we might as well start early. It's like it's an entire field of racers who forgot to put in their contacts. As these fools are standing around, the newly formed Screwed Shuttle Alliance comes tearing in. Dennis and Erika are the first team to approach the correct American Airlines lady, while Kami/Karli head for the United counter to check that flight. Told that the American flight lands at 1:00 PM tomorrow, Dennis and Erika get tickets. Weren't they supposed to wait until Kami/Karli got back? Wasn't that the whole idea? Split up and check both flights? They don't even seem sure of what information they have, considering that as they make the purchase, they're talking about how they hope it's the right flight. Elsewhere, Alison and Donny and Kami/Karli check the United flight and are told it lands tomorrow at 12:30. They ask the gate agent to check the American flight, and they figure out that United lands first. Alison asks to be as far front in the plane as possible, and they're the first to get their tickets on the better plane. The twins pick up tickets, too.
Colin and Christie and Marshall and Lance are still screwing around in the wrong part of the airport, looking for the flags. Eventually, they catch up with Dennis and Erika. Colin protests that he still doesn't see the flags, and then he notices that there's a giant yellow and red flag standing there waving its arms and whistling, like, "Over here, son." He asks how many people are on this flight so far, and Erika says that aside from her and Dennis, the twins and Alison and Donny are on the flight -- she apparently is saving spots for them, not knowing that they got tickets on United. Erika also fibs to Marshall and Lance that Kami/Karli and Alison and Donny already put seat orders in and then went to the bathroom. Kami/Karli, of course, are not in the bathroom, but are heading back from United to fetch Erika and Dennis and tell them to come to United and land themselves the shorter layover. Ah, bathroom intrigue. You really can't do better than that without inflaming the passions of the FCC. (Ironically, this page will now be inaccessible to people who work at the FCC, because of the presence of the phrase "inflaming the passions.")
The shuttle brings Brandon and Nicole, Chip and Kim, and Bob and Joyce. When they get to American, they run into the unhappy Marshall and Lance, who tell them that in an act of "total bullshit," Dennis and Erika are holding up the line buying tickets for other people and crowding them off the awesome American flight. Heh, tool. The other teams start to heckle Dennis about when the hell his friends are supposedly going to come out of the bathroom, and Dennis tries to shrug it off. A nice guy, perhaps, but a very inept liar. Erika correctly notes that she and Dennis have now earned everyone's wrath very, very quickly. A perfect example, really, of why alliances this early in the game are just not necessary. All you can do is hurt yourself. Dennis finds himself being called a "scumbag," for which he obviously was not prepared. Dennis tells them that they're "definitely not getting on this plane now." Yeah, I'm thinking that's Dennis's big cringe moment for the evening, because that was totally ass. When you find yourself doing an "Oh, yeah? Well, now you're really not getting a piece of my gum" routine with the rest of the teams, it's time for a step back.
As Jim and Marsha take a shuttle to United, he pulls up his the bottom of his pants and shows his leg, still covered with quite a lot of blood. He says he thinks the bleeding has stopped at last, but I think that by "stopped," he means "slowed from a gush to a trickle." Meanwhile, Linda and Karen are heading into the airport.
Kami/Karli are hunting for Dennis and Erika at the American counter to tell them the good news that they should come over to United. When they get to American, though, the bad news becomes apparent that Dennis and Erika missed the boat by either not checking the flight arrivals or accepting bad information. "We should have known," Erika says. "We're stupid." Well, not stupid, but...perhaps not quite as on the ball as they might have been. Considering how they were equivocating about whether it was the best flight to take, whatever information they got doesn't seem to have been very solid. It doesn't make a lot of sense, because they were specifically planning to check, but if they did, either they didn't ask the right question or they got flat-out lied to, I guess. And the flat-out lying doesn't seem that likely.
Colin and Christie, who haven't heard the news, step right up and get their tickets on American. Marshall and Lance do the same. The last team to expertly weasel itself onto the bad flight ahead of everyone else is Chip and Kim. Chip thanks the gate agent effusively, because he kind of doesn't get it yet.
Finally, Charla and Mirna pull into Park One. They run for the shuttle. Elsewhere, Linda and Karen are remaining chipper after "missing out" on the American Airlines flight. Inside, Brandon and Nicole are third to get on the good flight, followed by Jim and Marsha, Bob and Joyce, Charla and Mirna, and Linda and Karen. Charla explains to the excited bowlers that their flight actually lands sooner. "No waaaay!" the bowlers exclaim. Yeah, once or twice on the "No waaaay!" will be about enough also.
Jim and Marsha are hanging out by the ticket counter when Jim pulls up his pantleg again and shows us a still-bleeding leg. There is apparently a paramedic on duty who pulls Jim aside and asks to look at the leg. Marsha says this caused her a lot of worry. Yeah, poor...her. The paramedic takes one look at Jim's leg and says that it will have to have stitches. Jim protests that he has to catch a flight, but the paramedic tells him he's not going anywhere without having the leg fixed up. Jim and Marsha are forced to take a side trip to the airport medical clinic, which is a great place to get stitches, except that you probably have to wait for all the people with small children and the people who just "need a little extra time" and the people who frequently get stitches on business to get their stitches before you. Marsha manages to grab a guy driving a Thrifty rental car shuttle who agrees to run them to the clinic. Marsha thanks him profusely as she and Jim board.
Chip and Kim have apparently caught the snap that their flight situation is not what they would have hoped for, because they're looking pretty gloomy as they get on the plane. As the plane takes off, the caption says, "FLIGHT WITH LONGER LAYOVER LANDS LAST." I think they really were very fearful that we would be confused. In fact, they may have lost confidence in our intelligence, which...did I mention Alison and Donny? Yeah. There's a lot of that feeling going around.
Jim and Marsha are on their way to the clinic, and they're sitting in a bit of intra-airport traffic. Jim notes that they have about an hour to get this straightened out before they have to get the flight. See? I'm saying, if this were Nicole, she would just fix his knee with swimsuit/ass pageant glue. Already, she would be at an advantage.
Commercials. If you're going to have a lady supposedly be totally obsessive about how to get stains out, then when she talks about rubbing with a toothbrush in a "counterclockwise motion," you could at least have her make a counterclockwise motion, rather than a clockwise motion. Not to be picky.
Jim and Marsha arrive at the clinic at 1:55 PM. She confirms that they're "a little nervous right now" as they go inside, mentioning that their flight leaves at 2:40, and they're "pretty much out of it" should they miss the plane.
In the airport at the United counter, Mirna is breathlessly fretting to Charla that the race is already "vicious," telling her that "two guys got trampled on" (trampled?), and that, indeed, one is getting stitches. She supposes that they're lucky they weren't killed. I think Mirna is like that girl everyone knew in high school who was always explaining how this one time, this girl she knows had nail polish remover in her purse, okay? And then she was in chem lab, right? And there was a Bunsen burner? And the story goes on and on and ends with a catastrophic explosion on the day before the prom. And it is all totally true. She is not even kidding.
The on-screen times would have you believe that it is only 2:10 when Jim and Marsha cruise out of the clinic. Jim shows off his heavily bandaged knee, and says that he received 25 stitches. In fifteen minutes? Heavens. Maybe they did use ass glue. He also says that the doctor told him that he came close to taking out his tendon. Yeesh. Jim and Marsha grab their Thrifty shuttle, which has apparently been waiting, and they head back to the airport.
The United flight shows as "BOARDING," and we see the rest of the teams heading for the plane. Charla and Mirna, Alison and Donny, and Karli/Kami board, as Jim and Marsha continue to fight traffic. The time is 2:21. Linda and Karen board. Brandon and Nicole board. At what we are told is 2:30, Jim and Marsha pull up outside the airport, thank the Thrifty driver, and head inside. Bob and Joyce are on board. Jim and Marsha run for the plane, and before you know it, the gate agent is taking their boarding passes and wishing them a nice trip. Once he's in his seat, Jim tells the camera that "it probably would have been quicker just to amputate the leg." See? I knew that was what he'd be thinking. "Amputate it from the neck down!", Marsha adds, very convinced that she's clever. Fortunately for her, he laughs, even though if you could hear the viewing audience at home, you would hear what would sound like the second movement of The Chirping Cricket Symphony.
The Amazing Yellow Line and the Amazing Red Line streak from Los Angeles to Miami, and then down to Uruguay. (It initially looks like the AYL has been subsumed by the Amazing Green Line, but that turns out to be the AYL seeing its shadow, which means that we're going to have six more weeks of bitching.) There is a small amount of drunken careening around Uruguay as Phil reminds us of the destination and reviews which teams are on which planes. Basically, the slackers are Marshall and Lance, Dennis and Erika, Chip and Kim, and Colin and Christie. We then cut to Phil standing on a beach where enormous fingers are sticking up out of the sand. The statue is supposed to look like the last thing you see of a person before he drowns. Wow, morbid. Although I guess it's better than a P.A. system that blasts out, "YEEAAAARRRGH! [glug glug]" Phil explains that teams will first have to take a 75-mile bus ride to Punta del Este. He wonders aloud, as he is wont to do, whether the teams in the back will get themselves to the front, and who will be the first to be Philiminated.
At 12:35, the United flight lands. Inside, the teams start scrambling for bus information. Charla and Mirna run outside in time to be anointed with the first "Currently in 1st Place" label of the season. In an interview, Charla says that they're "very independent women." They're also very badly dressed women, based on this particular interview, in which Mirna is decked out in hot pink velour and Charla is in a semi-coordinated multi-striped sweater. They look like an Old Navy ad that fell in a vat of Pepto. Charla goes on to say that they "conquer whatever [they] set [their] minds to." They get to the bus stop, where Mirna tries out the now-classic tactic of speaking accented English to people in other countries in the hopes that it will help them understand you. "Punta del Este, you go?" she says to some very bored local. Heading for the same bus are the rest of the teams who shared that plane -- Linda and Karen, Brandon and Nicole, Alison and Donny, Bob and Joyce, Kami/Karli, and Jim and Marsha. The bus pulls up, and they all scamper on board, much as it is possible to scamper with fifteen crew guys following you.
At 1:00, here comes the second plane. The trailing teams land, get situated, and head for the bus.
Pleasant music tootles as the first bus rolls across the hills of Uruguay. Alison stares out the window, thinking about whether now she's going to be eligible for two Long Island iced teas on Reality Stars Drink Free Night at Dolce. She interviews that she has never traveled much or had the chance to "see different cultures." See, she's Nice Alison. She's not Nasty Alison anymore -- that was just editing. Even when it was on the live feeds. No, really. A Bowling Mom voices over that Uruguay is "very beautiful," not like "the desert" where she lives. Brandon is concentrating more on the game, saying that he's happy to be out at least a half an hour ahead of the four teams who fought their way onto the American flight. Speaking of whom, those teams get their bus at 1:40. Colin says he's "concerned" about being stuck in the back with the scrubs. I remain "concerned" about his hair.
Bus #1 is arriving at the hand, which they all manage to spot, because it is a lot bigger than a flag. They get off the bus, and as they run for the Hand, Brandon takes Nicole's backpack and instructs her to run. I now notice that their caption says "Dating/Models." I guess that separates them from the many very, very ugly Dating Couples. Everyone gets to the clue. As Phil explains, it sends the teams to Gorriti Island by ferry, where they will find another clue. All seven teams head for the ferry. Most get taxis, which means that it's time for everyone to pull out their special phrasebooks called Ways To Make International Taxi Drivers Go Faster. Alison is sticking with muchos gracias, muchos gracias [sic], while KamiKarli says something in Spanish that's hard for me to make out, but is probably very manipulative. Mirna, on the other hand, instructs Charla to get out her whistle. Wait, whistle? Oh, yes. Charla indeed produces and starts blowing on a whistle. But as it turns out, they're standing in the wrong spot, so all the tweeting in Tweetyville will not get them a cab until they relocate, but when they do, they finally manage to track one down and get going. Charla asks the cab driver if he wants to "help" her, and then she interviews, "Strangers love to help me! They see me and they think, 'Oh, she can't do anything, so I'll just do it for her.' That's going to be saving us a lot of time." Yeah, but it ain't breaking any stereotypes. I'm just saying, you can have that one either way, but not both ways.
Brandon and Nicole are advised that they can walk to the ferry. When she sees the other teams in cabs, though, Nicole becomes alarmed. "Everyone's in cabs," she moans. "Baby, it's okay," say Brandon and his Hair On Loan From God. He insists that they have to save their money. She interviews that she was upset that Brandon refused to include or consult her when making that decision. She says she thinks they'd make better decisions if they were both involved. Linda and Karen also receive word that the ferry is within walking distance.
In the Bob and Joyce cab, she is trying out another phrasebook option, saying "grat-see-as" over and over again. In the Alison and Donny cab, meanwhile, he is quite confused by the fact that they're in a cab when he thought they were supposed to "take a boat there." Alison exasperatedly says yes, that's what they're doing. "Where's the ferry, then?" he asks. "He's driving us to it," she says in disgusted disbelief. "I'm the brains, he's the brawn," she says in an interview, before turning to him and saying, "Clearly, I'm more intelligent than you." And then she chirps, "Sorry, no offense." Well, none taken, I'm sure.
And who makes it to the ferry first and finds themselves in first place? Bob and Joyce, followed quickly by Donny and Alison and Kami/Karli. The first two teams try to get the ferry guy to take off before the twins are able to get aboard, but it doesn't quite work. KamiKarli (or possibly KarliKami) voices over that she was "pissed," because she didn't appreciate people trying to get the boat to leave because "the two fast girls are coming." I love people who can't talk about themselves without using some kind of complimentary adjective. It's not just that another team is coming -- it's that it's the "two fast girls." It's the same compulsion that made Heidi and Jenna tell you how cute they were every five minutes. As the boat leaves, Bob and Joyce share a nice little moment of surprise and satisfaction that they were the first on the boat. And then they smooch. Oh, the internet-assisted love.
to arrive at the ferry are Charla and Mirna and Jim and Marsha, who share a boat ride. Back on land, however, Brandon and Nicole and Linda and Karen are still on foot. Nicole whines that they've fallen behind, and -- yes, ladies and gentlemen, in the very first leg -- she has already handed over her backpack and he's carrying both. I really think that if you can't carry a backpack through the first leg, this might not be the game for you. She says she thinks they should "focus on making smart decisions," and he just says, "I need you to support me, Nic." She protests that she needs for him to include her. In an interview in which he is actually patting her shoulder like she's an anxious dog in need of sedation, Brandon says, "What Nicki needs to understand is that we're trusting the Lord, and he's going to protect us, and just trust that God's got our best in mind."
Oh...sheesh. You know, I generally believe in retiring jokes after a reasonable period of time, so I would have anticipated letting poor wrinkly God bathe in peace for all eternity. We've done the shirts, we've shaken our heads...you know the drill. But it can't be avoided, really, because this is exactly what I'm talking about. It is things like the idea that you can freely either walk or take a taxi because God will make sure it doesn't cause you to lose that send my blood pressure soaring. God keeping you safe? Sure. God helping you deal with stressful situations? Okay. But God having a hand in whether you walk or take a taxi? No. Just, no. Just because it's old doesn't mean it isn't still true, Brandon: God really is in the tub.
Furthermore, I have to say, they've had some strange dudes on reality television over time, but Brandon gives me the heebie-jeebies like nobody has in quite a while. I can't explain it, he just completely creeps me out. ["The dude scalped Christopher Atkins. No explanation necessary." -- Sars] But...anyway. The walking teams wind up on the same ferry, a bit behind the taxi-taking teams, or so it appears. Nicole does not look happy. She should relax and enjoy the patriarchy.
Here comes the second bus, featuring your trailing American Airlines crowd. There is clue-ripping at the Hand. Incidentally, Marshall and Lance would like you to know that they have a pizza joint, and it has promotional hats and shirts. Don't you want one? Yeah, me neither.
At Gorriti Island, the ferry carrying Alison and Donny, Bob and Joyce, and Karli/Kami pulls in. They run for the clue box. Rrrrrip! The clue tells them to search an area of nearby trees for a ferry ticket. There are three ferries, each of which leaves at a different time. As Phil explains, the ferries leave at 8:00, 8:30, and 9:00, but the clue doesn't say that. Once you rip yourself a ticket, you can't get another one, so the idea is that you'd look long enough to figure out what the times are, and then you would try to get the best available. It's very much like what they did on last season's premiere with the buses. Alison tells Donny to look for the times before he rips anything. The teams wander around and look at the trees, but not having seen anything except 8:30 and 9:00, Kami and Karli decide to rip off an 8:30 departure. Way to go, fast girls. Bob and Joyce and Alison and Donny, however, work the problem through and grab themselves 8:00 departures.
When Jim and Marsha and Charla and Mirna arrive at the trees, Mirna proposes working together, but Marsha isn't so interested. Mirna bitches in an interview -- and seriously, did she pack hot rollers? -- that Marsha didn't want to cooperate. As they run around in the trees, Marsha finds a 9:00 AM, but when Mirna asks her if she's found anything, she denies it. When Marsha finds an 8:30, she just goes for it. When Mirna finds an 8:30, she pulls it also. "Nobody's helping us," Mirna says unhappily. "Has anybody helped us yet?" she asks Charla. "Never," Charla emphatically agrees. What happened to "independent," there, ladies? Mirna interviews that once someone else helps them, they'll offer help back, but until then, "everybody fend for themselves." I don't think I've ever seen a team so preoccupied with how much help they are or are not getting. It kind of reminds me of the way Reichen was always much more concerned about how people were going to react to his sexuality than anyone else was. Mirna needs to notice that nobody else is thinking about you at this point, for good or for ill -- they're thinking about themselves, and not being last. She's grating big-time with this whole thing, especially when she comments to Charla as they exit the trees, "They're playing nice, but they're not." Oh, feh, "nice." "Nice" is for dull people and hot asses. ["Also, I know I crab about this every season, but…Amazing RACE, people! Race! And not the Special Olympics kind where everyone gets a medal! You want help, go on The Amazing Boy Scouts! Race! Hate! Gah!" -- Sars]
The walking teams' ferry lands, and they head into the trees. Linda and Karen find themselves an 8:00 departure and a 9:00. Nicole finds a 9:00, and Brandon says maybe they should just grab that, but Nicole protests and wants to keep looking. Linda and Karen take the 8:00, while Nicole keeps looking for a better deal than 9:00. As they're debating, here come the last four teams from the American flight on their ferry. Colin unhappily notes that Brandon and Nicole are still looking, and he does a very smart thing, which is to confirm that nobody's seen anything later than 9:00, so I think he knows he has nothing to lose by continuing to look. But the teams really do just sort of take what's available, because although they don't realize it at first, 9:00 is all that's left. Marshall and Lance, Colin and Christie, Brandon and Nicole, Dennis and Erika, and Chip and Kim all wind up on the last ferry. And Brandon offers some kind of regretful statement about not listening to Nicole, but honestly, it's a little late, kid. Chip says that he took one look at the ticket and realized that they were with "the bottom-feeders."
Commercials. I don't think I'm buying a car/theme-park promotional tie-in. When my car goes upside-down, I consider that kind of a bad thing.
The moon hangs over the proceedings as the teams sit around a fire and then get ready to settle in for the night. Wait, are they not in a hotel? Wow. We haven't seen much outside sleeping in quite some time. How rugged. In the morning, everybody gets up and looks around. KamiKarli comments to KarliKami about what a nice day it is, and then we cut to Marshall and Lance, where Lance is saying, "Thank God we're getting off this hell hole." If he thinks this is a hell hole, he's certainly got some revelations coming to him. It doesn't even have poo or sacred religious rats! Amateur. They bitch about the bugs, the lack of sleep...they need to leave, because they are totally That Guy and That Guy's Brother. Go. Away.
Phil explains that, now, teams will take a boat from the island back to the Punta del Este dock, where there's another clue box. On the first boat, we have Alison and Donny, Bob and Joyce, and the rallying Linda and Karen. Half an hour after that will be Karli/Kami, Jim and Marsha, and Charla and Mirna. The last boat will carry five teams -- all the original American Airlines slackers, plus Brandon and Nicole, who earned the ignoble distinction of being the one team to fall back from pack to slack.
When the first teams to get to the dock rip the new clue, they learn that they have to get themselves to Maldonado, where they'll visit the Jose Francisco Gonzalez Meat Warehouse. The three lead teams get themselves on a bus to Maldonado without incident.
The second boat to land at the dock brings a number of fools who, for whatever reason, can't find the flagged clue box. Well, Charla and Mirna find it (as Mirna puts it, "Charla has the eyes of a cat"), but Jim and Marsha and Kami/Karli are struggling. "You guys, it's got to be right in front of our face," whines KarliKami as they stroll along a raised walkway. The camera guy manages to swing down directly to the clue box, which is right down below them in plain view. Hee. We check in with Charla and Mirna getting into their cab, and then we return to KamiKarli, who's saying, "I'm sure we went right by it." And what are they doing as she says this? They're going right by it. They're going right by it. As in, one of them almost brushes the flag with her elbow. And the thing is about four feet tall. Remember how Team Who couldn't find that clue that was on the wheelbarrow in plain sight, and how you kept hearing that gong noise, like, "Hel-LO?"? This is a lot worse, idiocy-wise, and it's only the first leg. They're very lucky there is no merciless stupidity-highlighting sound effect ("DOINK!" would work) in use. Jim and Marsha are still looking, too.
It's raining as Charla and Mirna make their way in the cab to Maldonado, having forsaken the bus, apparently. Charla snots in the cab that this is what those nasty teams get for not being willing to cooperate with them. She actually waggles her index finger scoldingly as she says it, too. I see what she's saying, but really, this is more what those nasty teams get for not being able to see flags in front of their faces -- you shouldn't need a highly strategic alliance to find flags, so this isn't a great pro-alliance argument. They also seriously need to ease up on the dramatic self-righteousness.
The bus-taking teams disembark at Maldonado, and they get there at the same time as Charla and Mirna. When Alison spots Charla, she says to Donny in an urgent but hushed voice, "There's the midget! Go!" Golly, she is so charming. She interviews that she and Donny weren't too happy to see that one of the later-ferry teams had caught up by taking a taxi. Alison and Donny and Charla and Mirna are the first teams to rip the clue. Phil Phil-overs that beef production is very big in Uruguay. In this task, teams will have to carry a 55-pound side of beef from the warehouse to a butcher shop half a mile away. When they get there, they'll get their clue. They start by suiting up in white coats, and Alison and Donny are the first to get their beef out of the way. Bob takes the side of beef and immediately predicts that he will never make it a half-mile. Mirna takes the beef for her team (ew), and although Charla insists she'll help, Mirna moans, "I'm gonna cry with this beef!" She is just weird. She's like an old lady in a cheerleader's body or something. You know how you can tell? Everything Mirna says sounds just right if you put the word "Phyllis" on the end of it. "I'm gonna cry with this beef, Phyllis." "We're lucky we didn't get trampled, Phyllis." See? Old lady. Anyway, Linda takes the beef for her team.
Alison and Donny are out in the lead, and he's carrying the beef, and she warily comments, "You've got a dog following you." Um, hee. I hate her, but still. The poor dog looks at the camera like, "What? It's 50 pounds of raw meat, dude. What would you do? Besides, now I'm the most famous dog in Uruguay. Hi, Mom!" Joyce urges a slow-walking Bob along. Charla is trying to hold up the end of Mirna's meat (ew), but Mirna is shrieking, "No, I got it! Just tell me which way to go!" Just then, we see Alison and Donny pass the Yield marker.
Okay, so the deal with the Yield is that when you get to the Yield, you can find out which teams are behind you. Then, you can decide to "Yield" one of them, meaning that when they reach that marker, they'll have to stand around while an hourglass runs out. Wow, that is a horrible idea. I can't imagine anything less satisfying than seeing Guido, for instance, lose because somebody flipped a card on them, as opposed to by...you know, losing. The only good news in sight is that each team can only use it once, and the continued bad news is that there is no limit to how many times you can have it used against you. So yes, you can gang up on the team that looks the strongest and make the race much harder on them than it is on anyone else. It's an utterly ass concept from start to finish, if only because now, we're going to have to listen to these people give the "I lost because I was a threat" speech to which every other show subjects us, and that's just...sad.
Anyway, Donny says he and Alison won't be Yielding anyone, because they're in the front of the pack, so why bother?
Jim and Marsha and Kami/Karli are back at the dock, and they're still. Looking. For. The. Flag. But finally, they manage to find it and rip the Maldonado clue. Apparently, they lost a half an hour looking for the clue, because "the other teams are about to disembark." And yes, KarliKami said "disembark." And disembark they do, all five of the trailing teams, at just about 9:00.
Over in the world of meat-carrying, Alison is encouraging Donny, who has paused for a rest, with the news that it's only two more blocks to the butcher. "We're not stopping again," she authoritatively declares, at which point if I were Donny, I would have dropped the side of beef right at her feet and said, "Roger-dodger! Knock yourself out, there, Polly Pushypants." Bob and Joyce and Linda and Karen are also making their way down the street with the meat, being encouraged along by some locals who, among other things, appear to be offering coffee or something.
Charla and Mirna have collapsed into serious meat melodrama. "Charla, please help me, God help me," Mirna whines. "I'm tryyyyyying! You're not leeeeetting me!" Charla whines in return. Mirna despairingly voices over that the beef was disgusting, and that she doesn't eat meat anyway, let alone raw meat. Well, you don't have to eat it, dear, you just have to move it. I don't eat grass clippings, but I can move a bag of them if it's potentially worth a million dollars. Charla picks up the packs as Mirna continues to struggle with the cow. "This is so heav-eeee, [Phyllis]," Mirna gripes. Charla tells Mirna that if she can carry both packs, Mirna can carry the meat. Mirna discards the gloves, only to have Charla tell her she has to put them back on. Mirna says she can't, and she will just go ahead and "get mad cow disease." I'm starting to think she already has mad cow disease. She certainly has something. Finally, Mirna just throws down the meat. "God help me," she moans. "Oh, God help me." As Charla runs ahead with the packs, Mirna paces in misery, unable to move the meat. (Ew.)
Commercials. Sarah Jessica Parker totally colors her hair at home in the sink, just like you. No, she does.
Mirna tells Charla she just can't carry the beef anymore. "You're a strong girl!" Charla yells. "You're stronger than these other girls!" Bleh. Mirna insists in an interview that she used up all her energy in trying to handle the meat. I think we've all been there.
Alison and Donny drop off their beef. They get a clue that says that their clue is "across the street from the blue and white hotel at this address." They're headed back to Punta del Este, where, as Phil tells us, they will indeed find a clue across the street from a blue and white hotel. See how easy that is? Alison and Donny scoot. Second to drop off the meat? Linda and Karen. Nice showing, ladies. Third? Bob and Joyce, now cooperating at least a little in carrying the meat as they finish the walk.
Charla and Mirna, those independent women, have decided to get help from some of the locals to finish the walk. Mirna instructs the guy they track down not to carry the meat (which probably would have been a rule violation), but to carry their packs for them instead. Charla then announces that Mirna should put the meat on her shoulders. For some reason, Mirna protests that Charla can't do that, which seems stupid, given that we have already seen Charla carry Mirna on her shoulders, and Mirna weighs more than 55 pounds. Anyway, the meat is hoisted onto Charla's shoulders. And then you see it -- the iconic shot of the first episode. Charla, in white coat and plastic hair covering, carrying a side of beef on her shoulders while Mirna runs uselessly alongside her. Every once in a while, you need a shot that just makes you go, "Huh. There's something you don't see every day." Mirna cheers Charla on by telling her she's the strongest woman here. Unfortunately for them, in the great tradition of this episode, they walk right by the butcher shop and keep going. What I really wish is that they had gotten separated, and that Mirna had had to walk up to a bunch of people who don't speak English, trying to figure out how to ask them if they've seen a dwarf in a plastic hat running with a dead cow on her back. They'd be all, "Crazy Americans," and then they'd go back to whatever they were doing.
KamiKarli is carrying the beef for her team, and she turns and says to the camera, "Nothing like a big chunk of ass in your face." Which is fine, but...I think she really has ribs in her face, doesn't she? Jim and Marsha, meanwhile, are having their meat schlepped by the injured Jim, which seems wrong. Especially when he tells her he can't go much farther. He voices over that indeed, he was very tired and his leg had just about had it. I'd think they could at least carry it cooperatively, Marsha.
In one of those unintentionally funny moments you couldn't make up if you tried, Mirna is telling Charla, "We can do it all on our own! We don't need anybody!" as the guy behind them walks along, carrying their packs. In a further misfortune, they have freely and independently walked four streets too far, and one of the locals tells them that they've overshot the butcher. (But they did not overshoot the deputy.) Interestingly, as they get going back toward the butcher, they do let their guy help with the meat a little, and I'm kind of surprised they didn't get dinged for that. They get their meat dropped off, and almost run into Jim and Marsha and Kami/Karli on the way into the shop. These three teams all rip the clue.
Alison and Donny bicker in their cab about who has the clue, and the pack, and blah blah blah somebody's controlling and something something, and whatever. I hate her, and when she gets into this mode, I'm just going to ignore it, if it's all the same to you. Linda and Karen and Bob and Joyce are also heading for the hotel.
And what are Charla and Mirna doing? Blowing. The. Whistle. It's not even a full episode in, and already, the whistle makes me grind my teeth. "How are we going to find a taaaaaaxiiiii!" Charla complains.
Brandon and Nicole and Colin and Christie dump their meat. (Ew.) Then Marshall and Lance and Dennis and Erika. As it turns out, Kami/Karli is still hanging around, and five teams (including Jim and Marsha) wind up bunched up at the taxi stand, requiring them to get somebody to call five cabs for them. Last to arrive at the butcher are Chip and Kim, who meet up with Marshall and Lance at a different taxi-catching spot than the one where all the YDCs are hanging out. These two teams get cabs before the YDC cabs even begin to show up.
The rest of the teams gradually get cabs out of the meat district until Dennis and Erika and Colin and Christie are the last ones left waiting. Colin and Christie take the cab, leaving Dennis and Erika as the last to get on their way to the blue and white hotel. Erika complains to Dennis when Colin and Christie are gone that he shouldn't have let them have that cab, because she actually saw it first. He voices over that after the incident at the airport, he was concerned that everybody hated him, so he was trying to do something to rehabilitate his reputation a little. ["Raaaaaaace!" -- Sars] time, I think he should send flowers or something. "We're in last place right now," Erika laments.
Commercials. Special vitamins for the low-carb people. Oh, what a world.
When we return to Dennis and Erika waiting for their taxi in desolation, she's complaining that they're in "dead last place." He protests that they aren't. Well...yes, you are, actually. He interviews that other teams have passed them "because of [his] niceness." When they finally get a cab, she bitches some more about "Mr. Fair-Play over here," and how he cost them the cab, blah dee blah. Yeah, time to drop it, girlie. That ain't nice.
The blue and white hotel. Alison and Donny get there, and although they look across the street from the hotel first, Donny's eyes fall on a flag at the hotel itself. They run inside there, but Alison mutters, "There's a clue. We're missing it." I wish she were less hateful, because she at least knows what she's doing. Inside, she protests that this clearly isn't where they're supposed to be, because there's no clue, so they've missed it. She forces him back outside. Meanwhile, Linda and Karen spot the clue box across the street as soon as they pull up, so they're actually the first to get to it. Alison and Donny quickly follow. (Not hard to find, once there are other people there with camera guys and whatnot.) Bob and Joyce are right there as well. "Oh my God, Detour," Karen says as she rips the clue.
The Detour is called Zips or Chips. (Oh, by the way, a Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. And it's introduced by the Exposition Hands. Yay!) In Zips, you go to the top of a high-rise, and you work your way along a horizontal zip line 210 feet in the air. Then you ride a second zip line down into the pool, which is an eighteen-story drop. In Chips, you go into the casino and get 20 chips with which to play roulette. If you win, you get your clue. If you lose your chips, you have to go and do the Zips anyway. All three of the lead teams choose Zips, which is a good sign generally. It's kind of a good Detour idea -- it's Reckless/Chicken, but with the gambling element, which is a clever complication. I think if they had made the gambling odds a little less favorable (they're really quite good, the way it was set up), it would have worked better, but overall, a good thought.
The first to go out on the zip line is Karen. Linda explains that she was busy clucking to herself, so she made Karen go first in order to see that it wasn't too horrifying. Which will work really well, unless Karen splats on the ground like a ripe watermelon, which might negate the element of reassurance. Karen rides the zip like a pro, fortunately. There are actually two lines, so two teams can go at a time, and Alison and Donny get going .
When Kami/Karli get to the hotel, they, too, struggle with the concept of "across the street." Rather than take the clue at its word, they go straight to the flag at the hotel. They go into the casino and up to the roulette table, where the...is it a dealer when it's roulette? Anyway, the roulette lady explains that they can bet on up to five numbers at a time. If they win, they'll get the clue. Yeah, they're not supposed to be doing this yet, so if you're confused, you're right.
Linda is a bit tentative on the zip line. She does okay, though, and she and Alison are just about tied as they land at the end of the ride. Bob and Joyce kick the zip line's ass also, which is good to see. As Joyce cheers him on, Bob interviews that he "can't imagine anybody having a better teammate" than he does. Well, that's good. Warm fuzzies! In spite of Alison!
As the lead teams take in the zip down to the pool, Donny's comment is, "Dude, this is not short." He's the first to take the ride down, and while it is not short, it is mercifully uneventful. He softly splashes into the pool, and Alison follows him, screaming all the way down. She claims to have been scared, but says that she loves Donny so much that she doesn't want to make him lose. Oh, true love is so inspiring. When she reaches the bottom, she grabs their clue, which tells them to go ten miles by taxi to the town of Punta Ballena and find Casa Pueblo, where the pit stop is located. It looks like a house made of marshmallow fluff, kind of. And look, look, the mat! Alison and Donny seek a taxi.
Marshall and Lance and Chip and Kim are arriving at the hotel, and Chip and Kim are again with the clue across the street problem.
Linda and Karen prepare for the zip down to the pool. Karen thinks it's very cool, but Linda is just happy that she's still alive. Okay, I think I like them. Linda interviews that other teams will underestimate them (DRINK!), and they'll just keep going.
Kami/Karli is still erroneously playing roulette. They do eventually manage to win, at least. They get the pit stop clue. Hmm.
Chip and Kim hold their taxi while they clue-hunt, but they still are missing the clue across the street. Just like Kami/Karli, they spot the flag on the side of the hotel, and just like Kami/Karli, they head into the casino to play roulette. The clue box across the street sits miserable and neglected, like, "Whatever, fine, don't mind me, I'll just sit here, la dee da." Kim interviews that she was wondering why she was getting roulette chips, but she goes ahead with the game anyway.
Marshall and Lance, however, find the clue box across the street. One of them (Marshall?) says that he thinks he's lucky at roulette and likes it, so he immediately wanted to do that. He talks kind of like Elmer Fudd, in the same way Tom Brokaw does. ("Woo-wette.") Inside, they run into Chip and Kim, who are still playing. Marshall and Lance win first, so they get the pit stop clue and go.
Elsewhere, Alison heads down a flight of stairs and trips, sliding down about five steps on her ass, which is the most satisfying thing that's happened so far. There's absolutely no plot relevance to it at all, but the Amazing Editors are your friends. They would never leave out Alison falling on her ass.
Chip and Kim win at roulette, and head out of the casino. So now, they, Marshall and Lance, and Kami/Karli are all taking cabs at the same time toward the pit stop. Of those three, remember that only Marshall and Lance have done what they're supposed to do up to this point. In the cab, Kim expresses her surprise that there was no detour. Mm-hmm. Surprising, isn't it? In the Kami/KarliKab, they're talking also about the fact that they didn't really exactly ever get a clue that was across the street from the blue and white hotel. They're hoping everything is all right, but you can tell that they're nervous, and they're just figuring out that they didn't both really read the entire clue. Yeah. You really need to read the clue, ladies.
Bob and Joyce head down the zip line and land in the pool. Yay! I think I like them, too, although I need to see more personality.
I do not, however, need to see more Brandon, but here he is, reading the Detour clue to Nicole. They and Jim and Marsha both choose the Zips. Jim seems interested in the concept of something other than a zip line, but Marsha just tells him, "We don't want to do that." She's all heart with the injured partner and everything. Charla and Mirna are another team that's all atwitter about the roulette, because they're so good at it. In fact, Mirna thinks the presence of a gambling task is "a sign." You know, I've heard that when you ask for divine intervention, God often sends gambling.
Colin and Christie are also zipping. "To the roof!" he yells, just like he's a villain in a swashbuckling movie. It would have been awesome if he had pointed and twirled a cape.
It turns out Charla doesn't really want to do the gambling, but Mirna badgers her into it. "I just have a feeling!" she says. "I don't, but we'll try it," Charla says.
Brandon and Nicole cross the zip line. Jim and Marsha, for whatever reason, have gotten lost inside the hotel looking for the zip task. Don't try to keep track of how many teams got lost during this episode, because it will make you cry. I like the part where they turn the lights on and off to try to make the door unlock. Because that sometimes works.
Colin crosses the zip line. He calls back to Christie about how she just has to "not freeze" while she's doing it. He's...kind of hot, which bothers me, because I don't think I like them. Or I kind of do like them, but I'd rather not. I am conflicted. She successfully navigates the first zip, and he cheers for her. She talks about how supportive and nice he is, and I wish she would stop creating all the cognitive dissonance.
In the casino, Charla and Mirna win at roulette, which causes Mirna to dance around disturbingly. They rip the clue, and Mirna makes some weird remark about how they should stay and play one hand of blackjack, and Charla's like, "No," and then they tear off in search of the pit stop. Heh.
Speaking of the pit stop, Chip and Kim are now getting out of their taxi, which I guess means that they passed Alison and Donny, which is kind of weird. Kami/Karli is there also. Phil is standing on the mat in his stunning blue shirt, accompanied by a woman whose sash informs us that she is Miss Uruguay. Chip and Kim run up to the mat, and she welcomes them to Punta del Este. Phil says, "Chip and Kim, you're the first team to arrive." They look really happy, until he says, "However." He goes on: "You did not pick up a route marker, and you must go back and get it before you can check in." Their faces drop. Chip says that they realized they must have missed the route marker for the detour, and that they were very unhappy. They take off.
Kami and Karli are on the mat, and Phil is telling them the same thing. They're second to get there, but they also missed a clue. I'm sure it's not the first time. "Do we need to go back and do that?" KarliKami says, stricken. "You must go back and get it before you can check in." Cut to KamiKarli and KarliKami, running at full speed down the road. In their cab, they note that they have to go back to the hotel, so it's not like they don't know what they missed, either. They keep saying "Andale" to their driver, which...bugs. In the Chip and Kim cab, Chip says that for them to survive would be "a miracle."
Commercials. Okay, I admit that the one with the guy doing the homemade computer upgrades in his office is funny. Especially that girl whose monitor keeps sinking.
In the Chip and Kim cab, he says that the only chance they have is if there's somebody who is "equally as..." She finishes the sentence: "Lame as us." Heh. Karli tells Kami (because she calls her "Kami," so I have a fighting chance) that they're "not out of it yet."
We go on a quick tour to catch up with several teams. Brandon zips into the pool as Nicole loudly praises his butt, and they grab a taxi. Alison and Donny arrive at the pit stop. They run inside. Colin screams encouragement to Christie as she completes the pool drop. They read the clue and go.
At the pit stop, Alison and Donny land on the mat. Phil tells them they're team number one. Eeeeevil triumphs yet again. As if that weren't enough, they've won a vacation. Booooo. Suck! Why couldn't they get cheap digital cameras? She interviews that she wants to work out a healthy relationship with him, instead of one that's so "dysfunctional." Yeah, I think television appearances are actually a common therapeutic recommendation for that purpose. It's right after "Take the time to say something kind to each other every day," and right before "Embrace infidelity."
Dennis and Erika finally get to the clue box in their cab, and they choose the zips. Elsewhere, Jim is getting suited up to zip, which he does. I guess he and Marsha finally found their way out of the catacombs. Marsha explains in a voice-over that she and dad were pretty nervous about seeing Dennis and Erika right behind them, because they knew that they were "a little gimpy" and might have trouble staying ahead.
Welcome, Marshall and Lance. You are team number two. Now, shut up. They don't, of course. Lance smarms that if he had known Miss Uruguay was there, he'd have been there much faster. Marshall cackles appreciatively. Look, doof. It's okay to lust after the greeters, but you have to be a little bit subtle about it.
More quick check-ins. Jim and Marsha zip. Welcome, Linda and Karen, you're team number three. Chip and Kim, still heading back to the hotel, as are KamiKarli and KarliKami. Bob and Joyce are ecstatic about being team number four. "We made it!" she sighs, and they smooch. Aw. Dennis and Erika zip.
In one of the funniest moments of the entire night, Mirna in the cab says, "I can't wait to see Phil! He's gorgeous." That's not the funny part, though; that's just accurate. What's funny is that then, hilariously, there's a cut to Phil with his little smile, and there's a little music cue that's like, "Zzzzzzing!", like you'd see in a cartoon where Prince Charming's tooth was giving off one of those starburst glimmers. Brilliant. Anyway, they land on the mat, and gorgeous sparkle-toothed Phil tells them that they're fifth. Mirna hugs Phil. Hey, Mirna -- I understand, but...hands off the kiwi. Mirna says she's sad, because she thought they were in third place. "We carried the cow like four extra blocks," she complains. Phil couldn't care less, and is already asleep by the time she gets to the word "cow."
Jim and Marsha zip into the pool. He allows that zipping into a pool with 25 day-old stitches in your knee is not very smart, but...apparently, he decided to do it anyway. Down on the ground, Chip and Kim pick up the detour clue at last. Since they've already played the roulette, they're apparently allowed to go straight to the pit stop without repeating the task. Dennis and Erika zip down into the pool. They and Karli/Kami are all headed for the pit stop, as are Jim and Marsha.
Elsewhere, Brandon and Nicole are team number six, and Colin and Christie are team number seven. I would have thought Colin and Christie had worked their way up a little bit, but I guess not. He needs to lose the do-rag. He's not happy about being seventh.
So now it's Chip and Kim, Kami and Karli, Jim and Marsha, and Dennis and Erika, all in cabs on their way to the pit stop -- or so it appears. First of them to run up to the mat is...Chip and Kim. Not too bad, considering how miserably they screwed up. Chip points out the same thing in his interview, saying that they've done "everything that you could possibly do wrong," and yet they're still here. That's my concern, too. It doesn't speak well to the quality of the competitors, really.
Now, running up to the mat...Kami/Karli. KarliKami snarls at Phil, "Do not tell us we're last." He tells them they're ninth. They're relieved, but unhappy. It's really not worth getting upset about your placement at this point, because getting bunched up again soon is highly likely.
Jim and Marsha. Dennis and Erika. A car is pulling into the pit stop. Team approaching. And it's...Jim and Marsha, pulling in as team number ten. Jim blows off his injury, insisting that "nobody's ever died from pain." He clearly never watched Married By America. ["Or Flo." -- Sars]
And here come Dennis and Erika, up to the mat. They step up, and are Philiminated. Aw. Dennis says that being the first out was his worst fear. She breezily says that she knew that his good heart would be what would make them lose. Sheesh. I know what she's saying, and I know how she means it, but I wish she hadn't said it quite that way. Fortunately, when he says they lost because of him, she says that it doesn't matter, and reminds him that he "did all the work," so if they lost because he screwed up once, that's okay. Well, that's a relief. Dennis interviews that the race -- which they did for, you know, two days or whatever -- showed them that they were "meant for each other." Two days, one connecting flight, one overnight, two zip lines -- one ultimate love test, people. She says she can't imagine herself with anyone else. Well...good for them, I suppose.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Alison and Donny bicker. There is dancing. Chip and KamiKarli fight over a cab. "You're a fat bitch!" Oh, no. That's a different season.