Previously on I Didn't Get The Lobster Vote Because Of My Fishing Platform: It was time to say farewell to India and hello to Malaysia -- but not before taking a moment to get schooled in the finer points of airport strategy. Millie got a foot in the door and a door in the face, while the Chipsters gambled on a full flight and came up empty. Kelly and Jon spooned on the floor, Millie continued experimenting with sleep deprivation, and Chip and Reichen celebrated their anniversary by taking the big love for a walk in the park of the public eye. The Detour was all about communing with your inner Jacques Cousteau, and the Roadblock was surprisingly all about communing with your inner late-model Geena Davis. The batteries in Millie and Chuck's Double-Entendre Avoidance Device were deader than Roadblock eels, while Team Who worked on the "Big Fish, Little Fish" section of their enrichment workbooks. Al and ClownJon aced out the Chipsters for the first-place cruise after the Chipsters discovered that you couldn't get to the pit stop through the Twister game going on at the nearby birthday picnic. Kelly and Jon found out that one pushy guy and one woman who's looking like a swizzle stick these days will have a hard time pulling up a heavy lobster trap, so they Bald-Snarked the Detour and went fishing. Nevertheless, they arrived at the pit stop last, and were saved only by the fact that the leg turned out to be non-elimination. Tonight, the Chipsters, Team Who, Millie and Chuck, Kelly and BuffJon, and the clowns will throw down. "Who will be eliminated..." The Recording Industry Association of America announces that anyone who downloaded the most recent Christina Aguilera CD will be punished with a public flogging. And, of course, with listening to the new Christina Aguilera CD. "…?"
Credits. This Week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance Of TiVo: If a lizard with a red head offers to give you directions, he is not to be trusted. [BOMP.]
Commercials. You know, Ban really is your only defense against The Armpits Of Fire. Unless you want to see your favorite shirt go up in a blaze of sweat, stink, and cotton/poly blend, you'd better get your ass to Walgreen's. I don't know what you're waiting for -- there's already smoke coming out of your sleeves.
We fade up on a gorgeous, sunny beach, on what Phil tells us is Manukan Island, "just off the coast of Malaysian Borneo." For once, Phil has managed to show up in a normal blue shirt that actually looks like it wasn't made by his grandma, bought out of the back of a van, or stitched together from remnants found in the Wal-Mart notions aisle. In other news, as one of the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out, the rating up in the corner rates this episode as TV-14 for...Violence. Violence? I wonder if somebody missed the memo that "Killer Fatigue" is really just an expression. Or perhaps, after tonight, they ruled that it wasn't. Anyway, Phil brings us into the Eat/Sleep/Mingle segment, and in what is fast becoming the most notorious "mingle" shot of all time, some boy (other than Chip) reaches over and pinches Reichen's nipple. (I believe it's BuffJon, but I could be wrong.) I just want to say, for any of you who happen to meet me at some point, that I do not consider that an acceptable form of mingling. You have been warned. There is more hanging out on the beach as Phil re-explains the premise of the show, in case you just got here, or accidentally wandered over thinking Big Brother was on and are having trouble understanding why there isn't any peanut butter and no one is in the hot tub talking about the golden veto. Phil wonders whether Millie and Chuck's "personal differences" will inhibit their progress, and whether Kelly and BuffJon can climb out of last place after their most recent crummy finish.
2:05 AM. Al and ClownJon and Chip and Reichen share a communal rip-and-read. The clue tells them to take a marked boat back to the Kota Kinabalu boat jetty, and from there take a cab to Poring Hot Springs, where they'll be able to follow flags to the route marker. The way Al and ClownJon perk up at the word "hot springs," they're apparently expecting some kind of massage-spa treatment once they get there. You never know, I suppose. As the drunken cameramen wing down a dark road past a slumbering cow or two, Phil explains that the teams will have to cab it 78 miles to get to the hot springs. When they get there, they'll pass over a series of rope bridges a hundred feet off the ground in order to get to the clue box. Oy, rope bridges...that would give me such flashbacks to Project Adventure in seventh grade. I never could get myself to walk across that damn log. Not that I'm psychologically bruised beyond repair or anything. It only hurts when I balance. Anyway, as they leave the mat, Al says that they think positive, and that the other teams are always commenting on the fact that the clowns always seem to be enjoying themselves. Al describes this as an "edge up." I'm not sure I'm ready to endorse "edge up" on a grammatical or logical level, but I think he's right anyway. They board a flagged boat, closely followed by the Chipsters. As they ride the boat, Chip explains that he and Reichen are "clicking without even asking," and everything is currently going very well for them. He goes on to explain that they try to do things for each other and not annoy each other, because they realize "it's all for the same goal." I agree with Sars -- I'm developing quite the affection for Chip, who seems like kind of a mythical cross between a hottie and a real geek. My favorite thing!
2:19 AM. Chuck and Millie. Millie's off-the-mat voice-over this week is about how she and Chuck handle the race in opposite ways, and her "aggressive nature" is irritating to him. She also introduces one of this week's themes, which is that they've been getting hardly any sleep since the beginning of the race, because they stay up at the pit stops and try to look at maps and books. Now, I understand taking a moment to figure out where the nearest airport is -- that seems smart. But beyond that, you don't know where the hell you're going. I understand reading a guidebook about Paris while you're flying to Paris, but at a pit stop? You have no idea what to plan for, so I don't see how it could possibly be worth it. It's also so sad to hear her say that they spend their time at pit stops "strategizing," and to know that unlike numerous past uses of this term, she actually means...strategizing. Sigh.
2:50 AM. David and Jeff. They fill us in that they're getting $130 for the leg, and they're off. David voices over that one of their issues as a team is that they're "impulsive," by which he means "a little dim," and that this is something they're trying to really work on. Good luck, fellas. Time is running out, and you're not getting any younger. Or, you know, brighter. It might be time to screw in the bulbs just a little tighter. In the cab, they ask their driver whether there's only one way to the hot springs, and he assures them that there is indeed only one way. If I were the boys, I would concentrate on executing the normal route correctly once or twice before trying to elevate my game by going for the Super-Wacky Shortcut. I'm telling you, they're running away with the title of Team Most Likely To Accidentally Show Up At My House. Considering how I like to pretend I only get the googly-mooglies for smart boys, I'm embarrassed to say they would be welcome.
In the Chipster cab, Reichen says that the race is now down to "every man for himself." I don't think he means this literally, as presumably you're still allowed to help your partner. Although it would have been funny if, at this point, he had opened the door of the cab and thrown Chip out onto the pavement, yelling, "Weren't expecting that, were you? It's every man for himself, baby!" Okay, maybe it wouldn't be "funny ha-ha," but it would certainly be noteworthy.
As it turns out, the theme of the taxi ride to the hot springs is Bovine Evasion. We see several shots of cabs coming up on groups of cows just kind of hanging out in the road, which means that the cabs have to swerve around them or, in some cases, just wait for them to move. Apparently, the cows did not get the memo from the tourism bureau explaining that everything was to be done to make life as pleasant as possible for the American TV people. The cows are all, "Moooooo...Jerry whoooooo?"
3:36 AM. Kelly and BuffJon. Kelly interviews that they have learned a lot, including how to "negotiate" and "compromise." "We've learned the most important things in a relationship on this race." On the boat, they have a little smooch. When they get to the jetty and start negotiating with the cab driver, Jon gets bogged down in the bargaining, and Kelly eventually reminds him that everyone else is ahead of them, so they need to move it. They take off.
At 5:02 AM, the Chipsters pull up at the Poring Hot Springs. There's a gate, of course, and they're told that the gate won't be open until 6:30, so they've got an hour and a half or so to wait. Reichen now voices over that they asked the guy at the gate, and he said it wouldn't open until 6:30 -- which is exactly what we just saw. Man, I hate that. You don't need to build in that many redundancies on my account, fellas. It ain't NASA. Another car pulls in just behind them, carrying ClownJon and Al, and Chip throws a little salute. Chip voices over, as Millie and Chuck and David and Jeff pull up to the gate, that people are now "very standoffish" as they realize that it's getting down to the wire. I think it's safe to say that some of them are standoffish anyway, but I don't want to interfere with Chip's efforts at diplomacy, which have improved so much since the line-butting of yore. Millie wanders around in the early half-light and opens her mouth for a noisy yawn, at which point a rooster somewhere helpfully crows. Heh. That moment may have actually been self-editing, in which case someone owes the rooster a big fat check. They all stand tight against the gate, and David voices over that the only people not at the gate were Kelly and BuffJon.
Speaking of whom, in the Kelly/Jon cab, it's 6:26 AM. "Almost here," Jon says flatly. We see the other teams again waiting at the gate, and Jeff helpfully points out that there will be a footrace to the clue. Good thinking, "dude." And could you please retire the sleeveless white V-neck? I am not excited about that thing at all. The gate slides open, and everybody runs for it. Apparently, they had information that they'd be able to lose their packs inside the gate, because everybody runs over to the same spot and dumps their stuff. Millie and Chuck execute this maneuver with particular flair, losing their packs without even slowing down, really, and thus ending up in the lead as the teams head into the thick trees toward the route marker. Millie lucks out in that she's far enough ahead by the time they hit the rickety rope bridge that there aren't really other people sharing the bridge with her most of the way across, so she's able to run pretty much the whole thing. As soon as there are other people on the bridge, though, it's much more shaky, so everyone else who's more bunched up has to slow down considerably.
Millie is first to get to the clue box, and even though it's directly in front of her nose, she seems to almost not see it. It was at this point that I started to formulate what would become the theme of the episode in my mind: Millie Has Lost Her Ever-Lovin' Mind. I mean, you talk about Who missing a clue box...this one is practically up her nose, and she goes right by it. She thanks the Lord for the clue box when she eventually does find it. (The Lord: "Every day when I...make my way to the tub-by...I find a little fellow who's cute and yellow and chubby...rub-a-dub-dubby...") When Chuck arrives at the clue box, they read the clue, which sends them to the Trushidup Palm Oil Plantation. Wow...palm oil is really bad for you. They couldn't go to a canola oil plantation? Phil explains that the plantation requires a 145-mile trek that they'll have to drive and navigate for themselves. As Chuck notes, the clue specifies that a map is included. They dash off.
The rest of the teams bunch up at the clue box. Just as they do, Kelly and Jon pull up outside the entrance in their taxi. Jon, with impeccable timing, absolutely has to pee right this minute, so he excuses himself by the side of the road. Watch for spitting cobras! Kelly, of course, is telling him to hurry up the entire time -- which, in my experience, is not exactly going to speed things along, if you know what I'm saying. She'd be better off telling him stories about going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. "I shouldn't have drank those two cups of coffee," he chuckles. They run in and start looking for flags.
Millie and Chuck's small lead at the clue box doesn't last long, because Team Who flies past them on the path out of the park. See, as long as all they have to do is run in a straight line, that's when they really excel. Jon and Kelly, meanwhile, aren't seeing flags, but they can hear the other teams running, so they try to go in the direction they think the sound is coming from. "You see any flags, Kel?" he asks her. "No," she says, puzzled. "I don't see any flags anywhere." They continue tromping around as the Chipsters and clowns make their way out of the woods. Millie and Chuck approach the exit, and he yells back to her, "Come on, Millie! Suck it up, let's go!" Millie, literally doubled over and looking half-dead from the run, does her best to comply.
In the parking lot, Team Who is first to get into their car and get going, with David driving and Jeff trying to read the map they got with their clue. Close behind them are Chuck and Millie, looking plenty miserable already. The Chipsters and clowns don't take long to follow. Once they're on the way, ClownJon, who's driving, mentions the need to put on the defroster. In the Who car, David is having the same problem. As it turns out, it's fairly cold outside, and the teams are very hot and sweaty inside the car, so there's all kinds of condensation going on. Moreover, it's very sunny and they look to be driving directly into the sun, so they're basically blinded when the windows get fogged up. Jeff wants David to roll the window down. Millie and Chuck have problems as well. The only team unaffected is the Chipsters, and we see Chip proudly note that he, loveable dweeb that he is, turned on the defroster all the way back at the parking lot. Ta-da! I'm telling you, Chip is the responsible dad of this entire group. Chuck and Millie wind up in such a struggle with the fog that he actually gets out of the car in order to get the windshield cleaned off. He also asks for Millie's shirt. Yeah, I've heard that one before. "I have to defrost the windshield -- give me your shirt! It's an emergency!" You know, after the first five or six times it happens, you start to realize it's a scam. Especially when the guy starts trying to explain about "invisible fog." Anyway, some of the fog is apparently on the outside of the cars and some is on the inside, but if I keep talking about it, bad things will happen, like someone will attempt to explain it to me, and the last thing I want is to understand all the condensation issues of this sequence.
The Chipsters note that as they pull away from the lagging virgins and Who, the clowns remain close on their heels.
Not close on anyone's heels are Jon and Kelly, still wandering aimlessly at the hot springs. They're frustrated, but so far, they're not losing it too badly, although Kelly seems to want to stop climbing up hills until they have a better idea what they're doing.
Out on the road, the Chipsters are in the lead, and ClownJon is staying on them. "I won't lose 'em," he says, trying to puff up his own confidence. He gestures toward himself. "From New York." Trying to avoid being whapped in the noggin with his own karma, he then laughs and says, "Famous last words -- now I'm gonna lose 'em." Heh. Sure enough, before long, the windshield fog roars up, ClownJon slows down to take swipes at the fog, and the Chipsters leave them behind. It's good to see a guy who understands how race mojo works, even if he can't resist sabotaging his own.
Things get tense in the Who car (no, really!) as Jeff starts to ride David about the speed. "Dude, you got speed limits at ninety, you're going eighty." "Dude, fuck off," David says. He then voices over that sometimes, when it's tense and you're worried, you accidentally come to life and appear to have a pulse and biorhythms and everything. Okay, he doesn't. He says that at these times, "the bad may come out." He tells Jeff in the car that Jeff should be navigating rather than nagging him about speed, and Jeff comes back with, "Dude, you've gotta just lose the attitude." "I think you need to fuck off," David repeats, "because I can't go any faster than the car is gonna go, and I'm doin' it in fifth gear right now." You know, if they couldn't swear or use the word "dude," they would sound like Tarzan. I didn't think we'd ever see a team that used the word "dude" more liberally than Esquire, but I do believe the crown has been swiped. At least we haven't heard "Let's boogie." Feh.
The Car Of Millie, Losing Her Ever-Lovin' Mind. Chuck is trying to drive and stay awake, while Millie is actually nodding off in the back seat, a dollop of straggly hair falling across her cheek. She wakes herself up. "Are you gettin' sleepy?" she asks, barely able to form the words. "Just talk to me," Chuck says somewhat desperately. Her head continues to sink dangerously toward her shoulder as she tries not to fall asleep. "Just think of something to talk about and I'll talk about it to you," she says, forcing herself to mutter out a few words, but unable to actually carry on a conversation, let alone come up with a topic. They drive by several cows in the road, but it's hard to imagine what they look like to Millie and Chuck's hallucinating minds. Big, soft beds, I suppose. Chuck voices over that he was "extremely tired" while he was doing the drive, and that they both haven't slept much for two or three days. Millie points out that in addition to not having slept at the pit stop, she stayed up the night in Singapore calling airlines to get an hour and a half advantage -- which is, of course, now completely gone. So that's two consecutive nights with no sleep. And that is insane. I've tried to proofread documents having had no sleep for one night, and it's pretty much impossible. Trying to run around and figure out maps and follow clues after missing two consecutive nights? No. I actually had the thought during this sequence that they would never let the teams drive drunk, I don't think -- I'm interested in whether there's a point at which they wouldn't let this continue, because it seems to me that Chuck should not have been driving on winding roads at this point. Were I his camera guy, I would be calling my loved ones and scribbling a will on my sleeve.
Kelly and BuffJon are still looking for the hot springs clue. He voices over that they "got a little confused," so they "got in a nice Stairmaster workout" while they tromped up and down various hills looking for the clue. "We were dead last," she voices over, "and realized, 'We're lost.'" Kelly turns around to shoot a look of pure hate over her shoulder.
Commercials. Your family's happiness depends on cleaning up spills without dripping. It's beginning to worry the dog.
BuffJon finally spots the markers, but he's out ahead of Kelly and has to call back to her. "Let's go, Kelly, I see it," he says. "Shut up!" she says, not really listening. "I see it," he repeats. "You do not!" she calls back. "Kelly, move your ass, now," he says through his teeth. I actually was bugged by that a lot more than the stuff later that got talked up so much more. Only the fact that she was, in fact, being a pointlessly obstinate goofball gives me some degree of sympathy with his position. Still? Not cool. It does get her to shut up and move, though. Soon, they are at the clue box, and it's time for the funniest rip-and-read of all time. Basically, BuffJon has himself focused on the idea of reading Malaysian place names, so he's primed for something very exotic when Kelly tells him to just open the Fast Forward and not even bother with the regular clue. He reads it: "Drive yourselves to Spee...Spee-lo-wik...oh...oh-rahn-twang..." A disbelieving Kelly breaks in. "'Orangutan'?" she says disgustedly, peeking over his shoulder and looking at this not-very-hard word. I have to say that her delivery of that was absolutely priceless, and it makes BuffJon completely crack up when he figures it out. See, that's what I'm talking about when I say that he's certainly an ass, but he doesn't mind if you feed it back to him, which makes him a lot less objectionable to me. He can laugh at you being an idiot, but he can also laugh at himself being an idiot, as he did right there. She rolls her eyes and starts to smile as we cut to Phil, who gives the spiel on the week's Fast Forward. It's located at the Sepilok ("Speelowik," Jon?) Orangutan Sanctuary, where the last wild orangutans in northern Borneo hang out. When they get there, the team will have to hike to a feeding station and feed fruit to the monkeys in order to get the clue. (Yes, I know they're not monkeys. You try typing "orangutan" thirty times and see how sick of it you are.) While Phil explains the Fast Forward, a pair of orangutans put on a show in the background.
BuffJon and Kelly return to the parking lot. "The idiots are back," he says with grudging enthusiasm. She adds that they're going to be really hosed if somebody else takes the FF before they get to it. "This is it," she says, channeling many racers past. "It's do or die now." A tuba is like, "Word. [OOONK!]"
In the Chipsters' car, things have hit an unexpected snag. It seems that they've taken an inadvertent wrong turn and found themselves headed in the direction of the Fast Forward. Rather than turn around and try to find their way back to the palm oil plantation, they've decided to -- dun-dun-dun! -- go ahead and take the FF. Man, this plot is so perfect that you couldn't have written it, because people would have called it too convenient. Elsewhere, Kelly explains in her car that they're going for the FF because it's really their only chance. The Chipsters, in fact, don't even look happy about taking the Fast Forward -- especially Chip -- but they seem to realize it's the best of the unattractive options (i.e. better than going back), so they are on the way.
At the palm oil plantation, Al and ClownJon are just arriving. They pull up and see a green wheelbarrow, so they go over to read the clue. It's the clue for this week's Detour. The choices are Chop and Haul. Both tasks involve what Phil hysterically refers to (probably completely correctly) as "nutbunches," which look sort of like pinecones, if pinecones were about two feet long and a foot wide. You are, by the way, very human if you can't help laughing every time you hear the word "nutbunches." Go ahead. Laugh now. Get it out of your system. You'll feel better. Say it a few times -- nutbunches nutbunches nutbunches. Anyway, in Chop, you use "local tools" (basically very long poles with blades on the ends) to cut bunches down from palm trees. Only one out of every four bunches has a clue in its attached envelope, however, so you may have to cut down several. In Haul, you carry twenty-five bunches (a few at a time) over to a truck. You throw them into the truck, and once they're all loaded, you can get your clue.
The clowns select Haul. Because they've grabbed a wheelbarrow marked "4," they put their nutbunches into the truck marked "4," following the instructions that say you have to load into the "corresponding truck." They quickly discover two things. First, the bunches have very sharp points on them and can injure your hands. Second, the back of the dump truck is already pretty full, so when you try to throw the things up and over into it, they'll often just roll right back off. It's like watching myself try to throw blankets up in the top of the closet. I usually wind up swearing into a face full of fleece, so I feel their pain. "Bast-ihd," ClownJon spits as he tries and fails to get one to go nicely into the truck. The easiest way to do this would be to get up higher somehow; I'm assuming that's not possible.
Millie, in the middle of losing her ever-lovin' mind, has her face out the open window trying to stay awake, and she is explaining for the camera that they're hunting around for the plantation and having trouble, because there are actually quite a lot of palm trees and plantations in the area. Chuck tells her there's a sign coming up, and he needs her to look at the map and tell him where to go. She begins to truly break down right about here, as she tells him that she can't read the map and he needs to help her. This despite the fact that he's, you know, driving right now. If he started looking at the map at this point, they wouldn't need one anymore, because they would quickly find themselves nestled upside-down in the top of a tree. Surrendering to their confusion, they stop, and Chuck hops out and asks a local for directions. He honestly looks like he would rather experience an all-in-one bikini wax/root canal procedure than walk up to strangers and talk to them, but you know what they say about desperate times. Apparently, he didn't get what they needed there, because the thing you know, they stop and ask somewhere else, to no avail. They stop again, and as Millie gets herself ready to go talk to the people -- which is clearly just more than she's up for -- Chuck tells her, "Go, go, go -- fast, please." She looks like an ad for Abject Despair at this particular moment. "Chuck, I have to figure out what I've got here, okay?" She sniffs and clambers out of the car. They wind up in a café, trying to get directions from a guy in there. Soon, they are on the road again, and lost again. "You tell me," Chuck says. "I feel like we should go back to the main road." "I don't know," she says unhappily. You know, this always happens -- by the time people get in trouble, they're so unhappy that I can't even enjoy their misery. I think I lack killer instinct.
Team Who arrives at the Detour site and spots ClownJon and Al loading nutbunches into a wheelbarrow. They do not, however, put together that the clue is right there in the other wheelbarrow, so they drive right by the clowns, thinking the clue is farther down the road and they'll be coming back. The Gong of It's Over Here, Dumb-Ass chimes loudly as the Amazing Editors bring you a quick cut to the clue-laden wheelbarrow. Before you know it, a confused Team Who is back at ClownJon and Al's location, and David is leaning out the window. "Hey, dudes, where's the clue?" he says. They point him toward it. Again, the boys drive right by it. David leans out the window again. "Al! Where?" he calls. "The wheelbarrow!" the clowns call back. Said wheelbarrow, incidentally, is about four car lengths behind David, in full view of the camera, as he's having this conversation. "What -- the first wheelbarrow?" David says, pointing way down the road. Yet another clue shot -- It's Over Here, Dumb-Ass! GONG! Al voices over that sometimes the boys travel so fast that they miss what's right in front of their faces. In front of their faces? Pshaw. I'm not sure they'd see the wheelbarrow if you inverted it and put it on top of their heads at this point. You'd hear nothing but their yelling as it reverberated off the metal walls of their tiny prison. "What wheelbarrow (barrow, barrow, barrow)?" Anyway, they finally find their way to the clue, voicing over that Jon and Al were "really helpful." Yeah, no kidding. Otherwise, they would still be looking to this day. They, too, select the Haul option.
The clowns seem to be getting the hang of the nutbunch-tossing, as they are now able to make them land up on top of the truck substantially more often. Team Who experiences many of the same early difficulties that Al and Jon did, and they're just getting started as the clowns load up their last two bunches. The clowns' truck drives off, freeing the clue from under its tire. The clue tells them that using their map, they have to drive themselves to Gomantong Caves. This is a 35-mile drive. The clowns high-five the Whos as they run to their car. Both teams are clearly happy and impressed that nobody else is with them. They probably can figure out that one team might have gone for the FF, but they know they've still given two teams the shake, which is pretty good.
David seems to have figured out a way to throw the bunches so that they travel fairly well, and once he demonstrates it to Jeff, it works pretty well for them. David interviews that they were happy to do the Detour correctly: "I'm actually pretty proud of us," he says, "because normally, we do something like...get 'em all in the wheelbarrow, wheel 'em all up to one of the trucks...and then throw all twenty-five into the wrong numbered truck." They laugh. Heh heh. The truth is funny, especially when it's really, really excruciating. "That was good execution on that Detour," Jeff adds mildly in the interview. Back at Nutbunch City, they finish up with the last couple of bunches and get their clue. They go.
In the Kelly and Jon car, Kelly explains that if they get to the orangutans and the FF is gone, they'll have to go back and start over at the plantation, so "there would be no way to catch up." Has she not learned the lesson of Momily? At any rate, Jon is opining about the use of the Fast Forward, explaining that it makes sense for them to use it, and it would make no sense for anyone else to use it. Which is true. It's goofy, because he's entirely right in theory -- and only the fluke of the Chipsters going off-course makes him wrong in fact. Speaking of which, here go the Chipsters, entering the sanctuary. The clue tells them that they'll have to hike about twenty minutes into the jungle and each feed two pieces of fruit to the orangutans in order to complete the task. They jump out of the car and they each grab a basket of fruit -- which can be worn like a backpack, interestingly. Along the walk, they manage to notice the trees and the beauty of the walk, much to their credit.
Millie's ever-lovin' mind continues to be gradually lost, but as it happens, she and Chuck manage to find their way to the Detour anyway. Her inclination is to do the Haul, while his is to do the Chop, so obviously they go to the Haul. She voices over that she wanted to do the Haul because she couldn't help with the chopping, but she thought she might be able to help with the wheelbarrow. I feel her pain, but it's weird to see her basically acknowledging that she couldn't really do much of anything, and it was going to be on Chuck either way to do all the work, with her doing the best she could to "help." As soon as he takes one shot at throwing a bunch up onto the truck, however, Chuck reports that there's no way he can do twenty-five of those, so they Bald-Snark the Detour and head to the Chop. As he tries the chopping, though, he discovers that it's fairly tough also. Millie voices over that her attitude in times of stress makes Chuck feel anxious and worried, which makes you wonder why she keeps doing it, but...there you go. They execute the extremely rare Double-Bald-Snark by bailing on the chopping and heading back to the Haul. You can, I'm sure, supply your own blunt metaphor about indecision, twelve years of dating, and either moving your damn nuts or just chopping them off already.
The Chipsters are having a substantially better day, and are just now arriving at orangutan central casting. There's essentially a platform surrounded by some ropes and other monkey toys, and when they arrive, what Chip describes as a mother and her baby are hanging out getting some quality time in. He says the two were very interested in their sudden appearance. Reichen crouches and hands a fruit to one of the orangutans, gently saying, "Take this. Take it." As the orangutan arpeggios of love waggle in the background, Reichen explains that the first two were very shy, but then another guy showed up who came tromping right over to them on the theory that fruit is more important than social proprieties. It turns out that the other two were willing to come over once they had an opportunity to observe an interaction without having to participate in it directly. You know, I'm just like that at parties. Chip kind of leans over to go forehead-to-forehead with the orangutan, probably just because -- hey, when are you going to get your chance? The boys are in no hurry as they take a moment to enjoy communing with the locals. "Look at his hands," Reichen says in amazement as an orangutan clamps onto his arm. "His hands feel like my hands." As they finally finish feeding the orangutans and get up to leave, Reichen says, "Thank you." Hee. That was awesome. The Chipsters get their clue, which congratulates them for winning the Fast Forward and sends them onward to the pit stop, which is at the (presumably nearby) Sepilok Nature Resort. As they walk out of the jungle, Reichen quick-interviews that he's sad they didn't have more time to spend, because if they weren't racing, he'd have stayed there and played for a week. Aww. Chipsters in monkey love.
In case you're curious, current estimates are that two-thirds of the world's orangutans are located on Borneo, that the worldwide orangutan population may have dropped by as much as one-half in the last ten years alone, and that David Hasselhoff is on the honorary board of directors of Orangutan Foundation, International. Just thought that last one was interesting. Anyway, they're all kinds of endangered, so if you think those guys were cute, hop on over and give one of them a hand.
Millie and Chuck are still working on the Detour, and she has piled the wheelbarrow entirely too high and made it too heavy, so he wants her to take one of the bunches off. "Chuck," she says disbelievingly, as if she has any idea how heavy it is, considering that he's the one trying to lift it. Rather than taking the offending bunch off the wheelbarrow like he's asking, she just rearranges it, which of course does nothing to alleviate how heavy it is. "You have to take it off," he repeats. Millie! Is! Furious! "You are so stubborn," she says angrily, despite the fact that he is the one who has to move it, so how can she presume to say whether it's too heavy or not? Not to mention the fact that she is being at least as stubborn as he is in this situation. It's absolutely nonsensical, which is why I think she's just losing it. When they've wheeled the bunches to the truck, she says, "You go, you go, I'm going to toss them to you, you go." Eek -- they're full of prickers, and they weigh a ton! Toss them? Sensibly enough, he tells her no, not to toss them, so she hands him one, which he puts on the truck. The one, however, she attempts to toss again. What is with the tossing? That isn't even faster. "Millie, do not toss those," he says, as she again puts her hands on the wheelbarrow because she is so frustrated with him. I think that among other things, she hasn't paid attention to how difficult it is on his end to heave them up onto the truck, so she hasn't noticed that you can't do it quick-quick-quick like she wants to. Chuck voices over that "the butting heads" concerns him as far as the underlying relationship. The thing is that that part didn't even look like butting heads -- it just looked like her being a pain. I have to say, they talk a lot about both being really stubborn, but usually what they're talking about look like situations where she's ordering him around and he's not compliant enough quickly enough. I'm sure he can be annoying in a hundred ways, but lately, he's seemed pretty reasonable, and she's seemed really obnoxious.
Anyway, they load their nineteenth bunch and take off with the wheelbarrow again. Millie tries to take a turn with it too fast and almost racks herself, which only adds to the sense that she's going completely around the bend. As they reload, the wheelbarrow tips over and dumps the bunches on the ground. She tells Chuck to just go throw the first one on the truck, and she'll bring the rest. Which is goofy, because again, that is not going to save time, really, especially given the fact that she's so tired she can barely stand up. Somehow, they manage to get the bunches back up to the truck, and as Chuck finishes loading them, Millie has maybe the saddest interview moment of all: "He is very resentful of any kind of order or instruction, and I drive him nuts doing that. And I've driven him nuts doing that for years." That's just so sad that in a situation where she obviously cares about him so much, she isn't able to just knock it the hell off. Wouldn't that be the thing to do? I mean, maybe with a guy you just started dating, it would take time to get the rhythm down, but...twelve years, and you're still doing something you know he's "very resentful" of? It's just...sad. It also rather astounds me that she would say this obviously insightful thing about how much he doesn't like it when she bosses him around, and also have complained so earnestly at the earlier pit stop that he doesn't trust her. How could she not get that he probably rebels against being ordered around, which may be what feels to her like he doesn't trust her? It's making my head hurt. Oh, and one of the nutbunches looks like it almost takes out the poor camera guy when it tumbles off the truck. I hope not. That would really drive up the workers' comp premiums, I would think, when a guy shows up with forty sharp palm nuts embedded in his forehead. Just try to fill out the insurance forms, too. "Nutbunch to head." Anyway, they finally finish the Detour of their discontent, so at least they can retrieve their clue. As they get into the car, he comments that they need to check the map, and she promises that they're close. "Just go back out to the main road," she says. "Out of the plantation?" he says. "Yes," she replies. Dun dun duuuunn.
Over at The Fast Forward Monkey House, Jon and Kelly are driving into the entrance. She gives him another quick lesson in pronouncing "orangutan," because you never want to meet new people without being able to pronounce their names, after all. She's closer to right than he is, but like most people, she makes the last syllable "tang" instead of "tan." When they get there, Kelly is out ahead of him walking up to the fruit baskets, where she finds a red card that says, "Sorry. Fast Forward taken." She passes this information along to BuffJon as he approaches. He turns around and starts back toward the car. "Oh, mother...trucker," he mutters. Wow, he's been bleeped so often this season that I'm surprised they haven't taped his mouth shut. Why the shyness now? Perhaps he's going for redemption of some kind. "So that's it, babe. We're out," Kelly says sadly. Blah blah blah...defeatism never won anyone a million dollars, knuckleheads, so get cracking already. Despite their depression, they get in the SUV and keep going.
In the car, Kelly's dejection continues. "You're always right, I'm always wrong," she says. "We're done." BuffJon, barely holding it together up until now, loses his grip a little. "Kelly...go fuck yourself," he says. There is a pause. "What did you just say to me?" she asks. "What did you just say to me?" She gets no answer. "I'll tell you what, Jon, you're walkin' a thin line; this was a chance we decided to take, but you will not talk to me like that," she says, tossing the map into the front seat. See, that didn't even bother me that much. I mean, I could tell you that you should never, ever say "go fuck yourself" to someone you're close to in anger, but I would also have to tell you that I have a pretty keen recollection of having told one of my best friends pretty much exactly that same thing. At a wedding reception, even. And yes, I was seriously mad; it was not joking. Along those lines, interestingly, David telling Jeff earlier that he should "fuck off" didn't create nearly the stir that this did. It strikes me that there are couples who talk to each other angrily in salty language and get over it, just as there are friends like David and Jeff who do. I don't get a vibe of it being abusive in this situation in the slightest, because she has absolutely no hesitation in telling him where the line is, and he clearly knows she's serious. They give me a vibe that they bicker in a certain way, and that when it goes too far, they draw lines before anybody gets hurt, and then they're fine. Furthermore, unlike people I've complained about in the past who seem to be unpleasant all the time, they seem to be enjoying themselves much of the rest of the time and seem capable of having a good time together.
Commercials. If my sister and I had had access to a full complement of audiovisual equipment when my family traveled all over the western United States, I have to wonder whether we would have taken the initiative to create the first mix tape of my entire life, which was made in 1981 by using a plain old tape recorder that we just turned on while we played the radio, meaning that you could hear us laughing occasionally during the songs. We played it on that same crummy tape recorder, resting it on the seat between us, for a good six weeks. I think we taped most of it during the Dick Clark National Music Survey, which we used to listen to on Sunday nights. I remember that among other classics, the tape had "The Waiting," "Jesse's Girl," the John Cougar non-classic "Shakedown," and "Morning Train," by Sheena Easton. Oh, and that horrible disco Beatles cover medley, if you remember that one. My point is this: Do not outfit your vehicle with insane quantities of stuff to keep your kids from having to entertain themselves, or they will miss some of the truly formative experiences of youth, like "Morning Train."
In the Jon and Kelly car, the topic has returned to the lost Fast Forward and the frustration thereof. Kelly says she couldn't believe the Fast Forward was gone. "We were so stressed out...we definitely said some hateful things," she acknowledges in a voice-over. Jon, demonstrating her point, goes on to riff about how he's sure the clowns took the Fast Forward, probably at the behest of a whining Millie and Chuck, who just didn't want Jon and Kelly to get it. Wow. Quite a cross to bear, being located at the precise geographical center of the universe like that. As he asses it up but good, Kelly puts her foot down. "Jon, listen. Would you please, please, please quit being a big jerk? You're being a jerk to me, you're being a jerk to everybody else...just get over it." Jon, in a voice-over, says that he "would love to be just the perfect gentleman," but that "we're not at charm school trying to learn how to be gentlemen...we're racing." Of course, being a "gentleman" (read: non-dickhead) and being a good racer are hardly mutually exclusive, but I don't exactly expect BuffJon to pick up the subtleties. Kelly tells him she wants to finish and "go out like normal people instead of being bitter. We had fun..." He disagrees, insisting that this is no longer fun. I understand where he's coming from, but...suck it up, there, sweetheart.
In the Millie and Chuck car, she explains that if they don't get lost looking for the caves, they're not far from them. It's not exactly clear what happens here, but it appears that they drive past a sign leading to the caves that actually has its back to them, because they're driving away in the wrong direction. In other words, had they turned around and looked back, they'd have seen a sign directing them to the caves. Millie continues gazing at the map, trying like hell to make the information on the paper translate into something comprehensible. They're carefully showing you the way she's missing the sign, but...I mean, if it was facing the other direction, I can't exactly fault her for the sign-missing itself.
The clowns arrive at the caves. They run across a little bridge and make their way to the clue box. It tells them that we've arrived at this week's Roadblock, and that "it's time for the ladder part of the race." Oh ho ho ho, those clue writers. A nice-looking Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the team member must climb a fifty-foot vertical ladder and then crawl out on a horizontal ladder to retrieve the clue. He tells us, incidentally, that locals use these big ladders to collect birds' nests for birds' nest soup. Al explains that he turned this Roadblock over to Jon, because Jon balances ladders on his face in the circus. Now that seems like a thin piece of reasoning, given that the Roadblock was very unlikely to involve ladder-face-balancing, and if it doesn't, then that particular skill is unlikely to prove helpful. He's not Doctor Doolittle, after all, with some kind of carefully honed ability to commune with ladders. I suppose this is easier for Al, however, than just saying, "I gave it to Jon because it sounded like it was going to be really, really high." ClownJon is outfitted with a harness, a helmet, and some other safety gear, and when he's been thoroughly checked, he is sent up the ladder. ClownJon comments that the steps are fairly far apart, and his legs are relatively short. Al tells him to just take his time. Once he gets going, he makes fairly good time. "I would not want to do this," Al says to the camera with a little smile as he observes. ClownJon complains in an interview that there was quite a quantity of bird poop on the ladder, which made it even more difficult to navigate. Again with the poo...it's definitely becoming a theme.
Meanwhile, Team Who arrives at the caves. "There's no box there or anything, is there?" David asks Jeff warily as they drive by the entrance. Heh. No, no, not yet, boys.
Inside, ClownJon makes it out onto the horizontal ladder section. He slides out on his belly until he can reach down and haul up a basket dangling under the ladder on a short rope. He pulls it up and extracts the clue. As he heads back down, he pauses to give a hearty "yee-hee!" and pump his fist in excitement. As they open the clue, ClownJon mutters, "Come on, pit stop." Heh. No kidding. They have had quite a day. Indeed, the clue directs them to the Sepilok Nature Resort, where the pit stop is. Phil explains that the nature resort -- "nestled within the lush forests of northern Borneo" -- is the pit stop. He does not say, "The last team to check in here will be eliminated." But of course, we have been so monstrously fooled with in the past that we no longer know what to believe. The clowns high-five and head out to their car. As they're leaving, they run past David and Jeff on their way in. The guys exchange a greeting, and the clowns provide reassurance that the boys are indeed heading in the right direction.
Elsewhere, here come the Chipsters, toward the pit stop. "Let's make every second count," Chip says dramatically as they run toward the mat. Biggest lead possible, I guess, is the theory. They step up onto the mat. Welcome, Chipsters, you are team number one. They win a vacation to what Phil calls "festive Latin America." I think that prize is void for vagueness, there, Phil. It's like seeing an ad for an apartment described as "cute 1BR" and suspecting you could live there for five years without needing to fully unfurl the cord on the vacuum cleaner. Nevertheless, the Chipsters are extremely happy.
At the caves, David takes the Roadblock for Who. "Holy crap! This is awesome!" he says as he runs into the cave. When they arrive at the ladder, both of them seem to eye it with a certain amount of awe. David voices over that the ladder was "a little bit shaky," and was certainly not your garden-variety hardware store ladder. When he gets to the point where he's opposite the hanging basket, he stops and puzzles over the situation. "How the hell do you get to the clue?" he says. "You gotta climb out, bro," Jeff says, eschewing "dude" in this time of crisis. "Oh, over there," David says, suddenly understanding. He scampers out onto the other part of the ladder.
Millie and Chuck are lost in search of the caves. Chuck notes that they're driving over water, and he needs Millie to look at the map and see if she can figure out where they are. If you look at Millie right now, it's like you can see little sections of the map knocking on the side of her head, attempting to penetrate, but she needs sleep so badly that nothing can get in. "We need to stop on the other side of this, Chuck," Millie says miserably. They stop and ask directions.
Kelly and Jon, meanwhile, are endeavoring to finish the leg, and are just now heading for the Detour. When they read the clue, Jon thinks he can do the Chop quickly, but Kelly pushes for the Haul for some reason, and he goes along. He thinks it's going to take forever, but she indicates the truck and thinks it won't be bad. There are actually several trucks lined up along the road -- a fact that's about to become crucial.
Back at the Roadblock, David lies across the ladder and hauls up the clue basket from underneath. He climbs back down, and they read the pit stop clue. They run out and jump into their car.
Kelly and BuffJon are about to start loading the nutbunches into the truck when they notice the part of the clue that says that they have to put them into the corresponding truck. Jon knows that their wheelbarrow says "5" on it. They look at the side of the truck, and Kelly comments that the side of the truck says "C." She does not mention -- or, apparently, notice -- that the side of the truck also has a big giant "5" on it. I think I get how this happened -- the "C" looks like an official label, whereas the "5" looks like graffiti, and I think that just as you can get to the point where you don't even see banner ads (not that this happens here at TWoP, of course), you can get to the point where you don't even notice stuff that looks like graffiti. Still, pretty remarkable, considering that the "5" is both large and legible. In an interview, Jon acknowledges that he's "sure it was very clearly written" which truck they were supposed to use (a point at which Kelly chuckles ruefully), but they couldn't make heads or tails of it, so they gave up. The camera guy gives you one more big fat shot of the giant "5" on the side of the truck, just in case you missed it. As they continue looking at various trucks, Kelly says, "Jon...how are we so stupid?" Hee. In an interview, Kelly says that their problem is that they get all wound up and don't think. Yeah. There's a lot of that going around, actually. "Like, we have to read our clue five times before it actually sinks in," she says. Having become completely confused by the "corresponding truck" issue, they decide to Bald-Snark the Detour for the second week in a row by switching tasks and trying the Chop. BuffJon does a pretty good job with the blade, but the first bunch he cuts down comes up empty and clueless. Appropriately enough.
Elsewhere, a "hopelessly lost" Millie and Chuck continue looking for someone who can give them directions. It's not going well.
BuffJon cuts down another nutbunch. This time, it's got a clue in it. "Oh, oh -- oh!" she says excitedly. Hey, did you hear that excitement? She may be set for a week! She reads the clue that sends them to the caves. They hop in the car and go. I kind of admire the chipper attitude they're displaying here, considering just how far behind they have every reason to believe they are.
In the Millie and Chuck car, he's saying that it "should be real soon" that they see the entrance to the caves. A miserable Millie stares ahead as Chuck notes that, in fact, they are back almost exactly where they left the plantation -- they basically took the exactly wrong turn at precisely the beginning, and have been going the wrong way ever since. "It's in the same freakin' place," Chuck notes. "So it's not outta here. Oh, man." I think he's referring to Millie's original instruction to go all the way back out to the main road, which apparently wasn't right. "Yeah, I know," she says, barely able to support her head in her hand anymore. "That was...stupid of me." Well, it was exhausted of you, actually. She voices over miserably that she's no good at reading maps. "We suck," she says unhappily, resting her forehead against the back of the seat in front of her. He voices over that they blew about an hour going to the wrong direction. "I'm sorry I took us the wrong way," she says to him from the back, half-crying. Aw.
Commercials. Living out of your car is luxurious. No, really. We swear.
Back in the Millie and Chuck car, she continues to flog herself. "I'm sorry," she says again. "No, no, no, no," he insists. "Come on, now, you did good. We've both done good, and we've done bad...it's fine." That was pretty well-handled, actually, because in the short term, it really was her fault -- actually, more for refusing to get any sleep than for not being able to read the map -- but in the long term, he's smart to realize that you sink or swim as a pair, so...I liked that he said that. "I really cost us a lot of time," she voices over as they pull into the cave entrance. "We knew we were in the back of the pack."
Also heading for the caves are Jon and Kelly. Oh, boy. Heh heh.
"We are so messed up today," Millie laments as they reach the cave parking lot. They hop out of the car. Suddenly, Millie's demeanor changes. "Somebody's here behind us -- Chuck, Chuck, Chuck!" Indeed, pulling into the lot just behind Millie and Chuck are their mortal enemies, Kelly and BuffJon. Kelly is as surprised to see them as they are to see her. "You can catch up -- that's Millie and Chuck!" she says to Jon in disbelief. Millie IDs Jon and Kelly pulling in, and now you know that things are about to roll, because these people just plain do not like each other. Jon and Kelly hop out of their car. Jon voices over, "That's when the adrenaline meter went from, like, a negative four to, like, a plus twenty." Yeah, no foolin'. "It was on then," he says. Both teams run to the cave entrance, arriving at the clue at almost the same moment. Jon says he'll take it for his team, and after briefly making like she might be willing to do it, Millie assigns this Roadblock to Chuck as well. BuffJon wants Kelly to finish reading the clue while running to the Roadblock, but I think she knows they're supposed to stay and finish it, so she spits it out as quickly as she can.
At the ladders (conveniently, there are two), the boys are strapped into their gear at the same time. "Go fast, Chuck!" Millie encourages. Chuck gets up onto the ladder first. "Hurry hurry hurry hurry!" Kelly calls out. Jon gets going. Using her favorite rather weird form of encouragement, Millie says, "You're good at this, Chuck!" She goes on, "This is all your time to shine! Be aggressive, Chuck, be aggressive!" I have to say, if she doesn't win the race, Millie would be great at corporate motivational seminars. ["Her sincerity tone of voice could use some work, in my opinion. If by 'some,' you mean 'a lot.'" -- Sars] We go to a wide view that includes both guys, complete with labels to show you Chuck on his ladder and Jon on his. Jon begins to gain on Chuck. "Yeah, babe, go!" Kelly yells. "You're right there with him!" she calls. "No, he's not, Chuck," Millie spits. Oh, come on. Do you have to answer the other person's cheering of her boyfriend? Furthermore, Millie thinks she's helping, but it might be just as well for Chuck to know that Jon is in fact gaining on him rapidly, because it's true. Jon begins to make up big time on Chuck at this point, and by the time they reach the transition to the horizontal crawl, it's essentially a dead heat. Millie sucks her inhaler while a Darth Vader-like sound plays on the soundtrack. Which is a little much, perhaps.
Oh, hey, the pit stop! Remember the pit stop? The clowns are arriving. Welcome, ClownJon and Al, you are team number two. They high-five.
Back at the caves, the race is on. Jon and Chuck shimmy out onto the ladders to grab for the baskets. They both get clues and both head down, but for whatever reason, Jon seems to pick up the rhythm of the descent a little more easily than Chuck, and picks up some time on him on the way down. "You got him, babe, you got him!" Kelly says happily as Jon flies down the ladder. Millie rubs her forehead in despair. Near the bottom, Chuck makes the unwise decision to sort of jump for it, and because of the style of harness he's wearing, this causes him to be caught up and left dangling by the harness. Now THAT is a nutbunch! (Thank you very much, I'm here all week.) It takes a minute for Chuck to get straightened out and lowered the rest of the way, so he loses a bit more time. BuffJon, still carrying the clue in his teeth, makes his way over to Kelly. He works on getting free of his equipment as Chuck finally gets free and makes it over to Millie. Jon and Kelly jog out of the caves, having grabbed a very slight lead. Millie and Chuck are close behind. As she runs, Kelly says, "Come on...I hear 'em. This is our chance." She is understandably salivating at the thought of this entire scenario, basically. Jon and Kelly drive out of the parking lot just as Millie and Chuck are loading up the car. "We can beat 'em," Kelly says. As they drive, she is full of praise. "You did awesome, you did so...babe, I'm not even exaggerating -- you were like a chimpanzee climbing that ladder. He went at least thirty seconds in front of you [not!] and you beat him down." She claps. "We are redeemed!" Hee.
As the two teams drive, Millie and Chuck on the bumper of Jon and Kelly's SUV, Chuck asks Millie where they're going. "There's nothing," she says quietly. She starts to hand him the map, even though he's driving. "Look at this map," she says. "You're better at reading maps..." "Forget it, I can't look right now, baby," he says. "They're going to follow us," Kelly says up ahead, "because we were there for the Fast Forward -- we know exactly where it is." So this is the dynamic that's developing -- Kelly and BuffJon know where they're going, and Chuck and Millie don't know and can't stop to figure it out because they have to follow. For that reason, even if he could figure out a way to pass them, Chuck can't do it, because he wouldn't know where he was going. This basically guarantees Jon and Kelly the lead heading into the entrance of the resort. "I'm sorry," Millie despairs in her car as the last remnants of her ever-lovin' mind pack their bags. "I don't know what I'm doin', please look at the map, Chuck! I can't read them!" He can't look at the map! He's driving the car! Sheesh. Get her some sleep, man. Like, now. Chuck calmly explains that he's just going to follow BuffJon, so they'll still have a chance to "sprint it out" at the end. And indeed, there is reason to think that Millie might fare well in a sprint against Kelly, at least under normal circumstances. Which these, of course, are not.
Team Who hits the mat, briefly distracting us from the race to the finish. Yeah, yeah, team number three -- get me back to the road race.
Chuck stays right with Jon and Kelly. "They're right on our asses," Kelly comments. As BuffJon goes to pass a slow-moving truck, Chuck encounters a new problem, in that he's unable to quite find the gear he wants. "He can't shift," BuffJon observes as he watches Millie and Chuck's car drop back in the rearview mirror. By the time Chuck finds the gear, the gap between them has grown a little, but then Chuck seems to get himself back in it, because he seems to be right behind, asking Millie to watch Jon and Kelly carefully. "Keep your eyes open," Chuck says, "'cause if they do somethin' tricky..." "I can totally see them doing something tricky," Millie says. Like what? They're going to the same pit stop you are -- what are they going to do? Kelly, enjoying the race quite a lot at the moment, cheers Jon on as they pass another truck. They reach the entrance. "Focus, and look for flags," Kelly says, undoubtedly hoping they don't repeat the morning's hot springs disaster. It would suck, indeed, to win the road race and then spend half an hour wandering around asking a bunch of orangutans if they've seen any red and yellow flags.
<-p>Millie and Chuck pull into the entrance. "Sepilok, right there," she says. In the Millie and Chuck car, she's got her inhaler out, and she's holding her head in her hand again. Not a good sign. "It's a dead sprint to that mat," he tells her. Jon and Kelly, driving. Millie and Chuck, driving. "Get ready to sprint," Chuck tells Millie. "Just think about one sprint. No matter what, we gotta fly. Just beat her. Don't think about him, just smash her." In case you think all the enmity in this relationship flows in one direction, I would direct you to "smash her" as Exhibit A. Kelly, meanwhile, frets to Jon that although they're slightly ahead, if they don't see the flags, Millie and Chuck will able to beat them. "It's a footrace, Jon," she says. "Leave everything in the car," Jon says, "even the pouch." She agrees. "We're just gonna sprint," he says. "They're fast," she says nervously, "so if it's a footrace..." "They're not that fast, Kel," Jon says. "We can --" "You're faster than Chuck," Kelly allows, "but Millie is a little jackrabbit. I got these long, gangly legs -- they don't move like her little short stubs." Oh, nice grasp of physics there, Kelly -- the long legs are indeed quite a curse when it comes to running fast. That's why the Olympic fifty-yard dash is always populated with short, chubby people. Cut to the Millie and Chuck car. "This is going to be a sprint," he repeats. "I hope it's a sprint," she answers. "Oh, Lord, please let me run." Jon almost misses the turn, but he gets turned around and into the drive with some help from Kelly.
Someone's footsteps pound on the bridge heading for the pit stop. Phil points at something, making sure the greeter doesn't miss the drama. The camera catches vague hints of something moving as somebody runs across the screen, mostly blocked by a big plant. Somebody's POV approaches Phil. Somebody is almost on the mat. Switch the camera angle, and...it's BuffJon, literally leaping off of something and down into the frame. A beaming Kelly is close behind. They run up and land on the mat. "Kelly and Jon," Phil says, "you're team number four." They high-five and hug happily.
Sad music. Millie and Chuck jog across the footbridge, much to their credit, on their way to the mat. They step up. I have never seen two such filthy and tired people in my life, and I am not even kidding. Millie looks at the ground and rubs the back of her neck, unable to meet the Philimination gaze. Chuck rubs her back. "Millie and Chuck," Phil says, "you're the last team to arrive." A pause ensues. They stand there. "I'm sorry to tell you, you've both been eliminated from the race." The hope of two consecutive non-eliminations can't have been especially high, but this snuffs out whatever glimmer of hope they might have had. "That's okay," Millie half-whispers, trying to look happy. "You wanted this really bad, didn't you, Millie?" Phil asks mercilessly. She nods. "Yeah." Phil asks them where they think the relationship stands after all this. Millie says she thinks they learned a lot, because in some ways they were there for each other, and in some ways, they weren't. In a post-race interview, a still-exhausted Millie says that they are "really doubting" that they're going to ultimately make each other happy. Back on the mat, they hug. Chuck voices over that because they're both stubborn, it was "hard to keep peace." In the interview, she says that if it turns out that they're not right for each other, then she wants them to go their separate ways so that they can just be happy. "No matter what happens," Chuck voices over, "she is going to have a place in my heart that no one else will ever have." Aw. That's nice. Now go and take a nap, y'all. You've got it coming.
I'll say this: I have as many reservations as anyone about the way they treated each other, but I hardly think this was a good time for them to draw any conclusions about their relationship. I would hope they slept on it.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: In Korea, it's time to get very, very icy in the water. The Fear Factor factor continues as the season's Eat Unusual Food challenge is unleashed. In a turn that seems more serious than your usual bad navigation, we are told that someone gets lost "at the North Korean border." Zoiks.