Previously on Amsterdammerung: Things got dicey (and more than a little icy) between Chuck and Millie as they demonstrated the age-old wisdom that having known someone for twelve years doesn't mean you should try to read maps together. Tian, whose get-up-and-go had got up and went, pressed her button nose against car windows for a good part of the leg, while Jaree muttered into the rearview mirror that she was going to remove Tian's head without benefit of anesthesia. Or, actually, surgery. Holland was the land of cheese and manure, and both were meant to be enjoyed, although in very different ways. Several teams found the canals a conundrum, and Monica and Sheree needed a dramatic deus ex truckina to avoid being irrevocably ditched. In the end, though, Dave and Steve were finally Philiminated, proving that although the outcome of the race may not be entirely merit-based, refusal to crank the dial past "mosey" will eventually spell the end of you. They kept the cheese, because it had sentimental value. And they were hungry. "Who will be eliminated..." Nabisco announces that in order to improve the health of all Americans, it is introducing fat-free macaroni and cheese made entirely from wheatgrass and recycled railroad ties. "…tonight?"
Credits. This Week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance of TiVo: David's shorts could really use a more restrictive drawstring. [BOMP.] (Made you look.)
Commercials. Hey, maybe beauty really is a curse if it means you can't get a barbershop full of nitwits to tell you where the damn ATM is.
Accompanied by a brazen musical flourish, we swoop back into lovely Amsterdam, grabbing a view of some nicely synchronized windmills as well as -- you guessed it -- tulips. Ah, tulips. Ubiquitous, iconic, flowery...kind of the Lee Greenwood of Holland, aren't they? Music: "BUMPUMPUMPUMPUM!" We flash across the canals, beginning to get a little jumpy, and then we are at last calmed by the dulcet tones of Phil, who explains that we are in Amsterdam, which is "bursting at the seams with energy." This is a little bit funny, because the predominant features of the shots over which this piece of dialogue is spoken are a guy who looks like he might be lost wandering toward the camera, and then the rear ends of two people in suits meandering off the street like they're on their way to a marketing seminar. But they're all bursting! With energy! Actually, that smallish flock of birds does look rather enthused about the windmill they are predictably flying past. Phil welcomes us back to the Kasteel Muiderslot, a castle outside of Amsterdam that looks very much like the Fisher Price castle of my youth. I keep waiting for the prince to show up. I wonder if the dog ate him -- that's what happened to the one with the round plastic head and the purple tube body that I had back in the day. Phil, by the way, is back to the Episode One XXXL-necked white sweater that makes his head look like a soft-boiled egg in a cup. This week's eat/sleep/mingle segment includes what appears to be a fairly civil dinner among all the teams, but I suspect there is a certain amount of kicking under the table. Phil wonders whether Windmillie and Chuck will hold on to their tenuous lead, and whether Tian and Jaree can get down a jetway without snatching away each other's tickets and ripping them in half.
2:25 PM. Millie and Chuck. I assume it's raining, because if those aren't weather-related hoods they're wearing, they've taken to wearing full-body condoms. Which would seem like rather an extreme step. Upon seeing the clue, Millie yells out, "India! Yes!" and puts her fists over her head in a victory gesture. Wow, that is really too much gumption for 2:25 in the morning. Between 10:00 PM and 8:00 AM, I believe we should all live in a gumption-free zone. Anyway, as Chuck reads the clue, Millie actually babbles over him while he's talking, because Chuck's life is an endless appearance on The McLaughlin Group, and he is stuck in Eleanor Clift's chair. The clue -- to the degree that you can hear Chuck read it -- tells the teams to fly to Mumbai, India. There's a faboo shot of a big flock of birds scattering as we see the generic Mumbai establishing footage, and then Phil explains that the teams will find their way to Film City, which is part of India's well-known "Bollywood" moviemaking complex. According to the teaser footage, this task will feature dancing girls. During his off-the-mat voice-over, Chuck says that he and Millie both get "overly frantic," which I think is an interesting observation, because they do both get frantic, but they do it in completely different ways. He freezes, while she stops thinking and flails around like Animal on The Muppet Show, going, "Eat drums! EAT DRUMS!" As they throw their bags into the cab, Millie asks the driver if she can borrow his cell phone to call about plane reservations. Bunching, schmunching -- she will prevail! Somewhat ominously, Chuck interviews about how important trust is and the degree to which he and Millie don't have it. It's kind of sad, actually. In the cab, she calls and starts asking about flights.
3:15 PM. Al and ClownJon. "Oh, my God, Mumbai, India," Al says as he reads the clue. We learn that the cash for this part of the race is $110. They goof around as they leave the mat, but in an interview, Al explains seriously that they were very relieved to have come in second last week. Jon concurs that they've worked together in the circus for years, and they come from what he calls "the old school," which maintains that no matter what happens, you just keep pushing. I'm actually beginning to believe that "circus clown" just may be the ideal occupational background for racers. You learn to handle stress, you learn the psychology of four-year-olds, and you learn how they clean up after elephants. That pretty much sums it up.
3:34 AM. BuffJon and Kelly. They, too, act happy about going to India. Jon says that he and Kelly are getting along fine, and that he thinks she's getting better at not freaking out when they make mistakes. In the car, they study the map, and Kelly gives him big points for just finding the city they're going to. Heh. I guess when you're looking at marrying a guy with some of Jon's attitudes about the female orgasm, you have to be pleased when his geography is even remotely accurate. (Oh, I know what you're thinking. And the answer is, "Until it stops making me laugh.")
In The Car In Which True Love Waits, Millie gets the news over the phone that there's a direct flight on KLM to Mumbai from Amsterdam, but it doesn't leave until 10:35 in the morning, which is almost eight hours away. She says she's hoping they can get a flight out sooner than that, so that they "don't completely lose [their] lead." I would say the odds of maintaining a forty-five minute lead when you leave for the airport at 2:25 in the morning are approximately zero, but then, if she can hold out for the proposal, I guess she's not afraid to take on fairly daunting odds.
4:26 AM. Chipsters. Chip offers his usual overenunciation of the clue (seriously, it's not radio, Chip), and they smile as they leave the mat. For a minute, Chip holds up the clue like he's going to show it to the camera, and then he apparently remembers that they're not going to show it -- that's why he just read it. Nitwit. Chip interviews that he wishes they were in a better position; he knows the other teams are no pushovers, and he hopes they can find a way to get "one step ahead." In the cab, their driver asks if they want to go to the airport in the cab, or just as far as the train. It's not clear to me whether this is a similar situation to the one two weeks ago or not, because I'm not sure how far it is to the airport, but you can almost never go wrong by taking the cab, which is what they decide to do.
4:43 AM. Falconettes. Sheree voices over that she and Monica are closer than ever, because nothing cements a friendship like digging in poop. She says it more politely than that, of course. This week, they choose to go for the airport by train, and are hoping to catch one that leaves at 5:12, so they're quick into the taxi to head for the train station.
At the Schiphol Airport, Jon and Al are just arriving. They're greeted by Millie and Chuck, and thus is the International Society of Clowns and Virgins reunited. Millie breaks the news that everything is closed until morning, and Chuck adds what they learned about the KLM flight. Elsewhere, Kelly and BuffJon are also learning about the KLM flight, and BuffJon has determined that it's "probably the best bet." Nevertheless, he and Kelly go to take a look around, since it looks like they've got plenty of time.
5:05 AM. David and Jeff. (You'll notice that the teams were pretty spread out landing on the mat last week.) In an interview in which most of his hair is attempting to flee his head by bolting directly for the ceiling, David explains that in this leg, they need to be "smart, conservative, and precise." Well, that should be entertaining. Jeff adds in a voice-over that they're "looking at this like a business deal." Hey, it worked for Blake. Well...kind of. Jeff nabs the driver's cell phone to work on flights.
The Chipsters arrive at the airport as Millie, having snagged herself another cell phone from somewhere, sews up the ISCV seats on the KLM flight, taking care to put herself close to the front of the plane. Which is...fine, but it's probably a little bit early in the leg for that to make a lot of difference. You never know, I guess. At least this way, she and Chuck won't have to try to cooperate in finding their way up the aisle.
Monica and Sheree de-train at the airport just as Team Whooo? arrives.
5:42 AM. Tian and Jaree rip open their clue, already looking infinitely better than last week from literally the moment they appear. Tian runs the pronunciation through her Morning-Mouth-o-Meter and comes up with "Mumbia," but other than that, they seem to be off to a good start. Tian interviews that she doesn't want to fight with Jaree anymore, so she's going to let Jaree be herself and stop haranguing her all the time. As you know by now, this is what I wish she would have done a long time ago. Of course, I would undoubtedly be the slow person in any situation like this as opposed to the butt-kicker, so I am not necessarily a good judge. Jaree adds in a voice-over that it's not a matter of "kiss and make up," it's a matter of knowing they're not going to survive the experience unless they treat each other better. Did you hear that, Millie? Yeah, I didn't think so. In the cab, Jaree delivers a rather oddball monologue about how the only reason she'd go to India would be to buy tapestries, so maybe she'll throw out all her clothes when they get there and just fill her pack with tapestries. Tian looks at her like, "Yeah, and I might throw out my clothes and fill my pack with a Hefty bag full of your shredded connective tissue," but no one says anything. You can tell they're really trying not to fight.
The Chipsters are sniffing around a different route to Mumbai. It turns out that they can fly Alitalia and connect through Milan, and this route will theoretically arrive about forty minutes before the KLM flight. Of course, this depends on making the connection, having two flights leave on time instead of one, and so forth. Chip very wisely asks the ticket agent how the weather is in Milan, in order to get the best possible feel for the likelihood that the connection will be smooth. (Good question -- one point for the Chipster.) The agent tells him it's fine as far as he knows.
Monica and Sheree arrive and are greeted by ClownJon, who mutters under his breath, "They're workin' it," in a way I'm not sure I appreciate. I'm not sure what "workin' it" means in this context except, you know, walking by. The Falconettes catch up with the Chipsters, and Chip explains to them about the Milan option. Monica and Sheree are nervous about the connection, and don't want to risk it for a gain of forty minutes.
Meanwhile, David and Jeff come strolling into the airport and run into the clowns. "Why don't you guys just save us some time and tell us which flight to take?" David asks. ClownJon gives a forced laugh. I was almost positive when I saw the show that what he said was, "That's gay, that's gay," which skeeved me out but also sort of made no sense, because even people who do use that expression as a negative wouldn't be likely to use it like that. Fortunately, on second viewing, it became pretty clear that what he says is, "That's good, that's good," as in, "Oh, good one, ha ha, not," which makes infinitely more sense. His accent and the smile he's forcing the word through are what make it sound like "gay."
The Chipsters agonize over whether to take the Alitalia flight. Reichen is wondering aloud whether it's really worth risking missing a connection to gain a forty minute lead. Geek sidebar: There are two reasons why I think the better decision in the long run would have been to stick with the KLM flight. The first is that the potential lead is not only small, but will be situated late at night, which makes losing it through bunching nearly inevitable. Their flight, after all, is going to land in India at 10:55 PM. The likelihood of the leg continuing throughout the night so that they can maintain their lead just seems very, very tiny. Second, I think risks in general are far more worth taking when you're behind or risking being behind, rather than when you're going for a small lead as opposed to staying with the pack. So I think I would have tilted, in the end, in the direction of KLM. And those are my two reasons. And I rest my case. And I so need a margarita.
But anyway, Chip maintains that forty minutes could be a very important lead at this point in the process.
ClownJon, balancing a pencil behind his ear, is chuckling with Team Who about the fact that the Chipsters are "out of control." He notes with amusement the "stress on their faces," and then we cut to Reichen, looking ruggedly stressed and yet rather dead-eyed with the super-early-morning version of his sleep-deprived look. It's great for those Sominex print ads, you know. The Alitalia ticket agent who is seeing the Chipsters through this difficult experience tells them that the time has come for them to make a decision, because if they're going to try to get on the 6:55 AM flight to Milan, he needs to print their ticket now. Reichen voices over, in an interesting parallel to Chip's speech after the parking lot debacle, that he usually trusts Chip's instincts. Man, it's like they're both walking around with shirts that say, "He's With Stupid." "On paper, it looks like the best decision," Reichen says, presumably talking about the Alitalia option.
Tian and Jaree pull up outside. They collect their stuff, accept their driver's encouragement to "have a nice time in India," and head into the airport. Nice bright white windbreaker, Tian -- that'll have a nice trail of international entrees down the front of it in short order. Inside, they find all the non-Chipster teams lined up at the KLM ticket counter, and Jaree expresses surprise to Al that the teams are all just getting their tickets now. He explains that everything's been closed until this point. She is surprised to hear that being at the airport hours earlier was of very little benefit to the other teams, the way things worked out.
At 6:50 AM, Chip explains that the Milan flight is about to leave, and they intend to be on it. The Chipsters very graciously thank the Alitalia agent, and then book through the airport past a sign that says "6:58." Reichen voices over that "the worst thing you can do in this race is worry about what other teams are doing." It's true...and also not true. If you're confident you're right, I totally agree that you wouldn't follow the pack in another direction just for the sake of following the pack. On the other hand, striking out on your own is potentially a huge risk, so...as I said, the equation here would have tipped the other way for me, but I admire their moxie in trying to think for themselves and being willing to take some risks. At 7:00 AM, only about five minutes late, the Alitalia flight takes off from Amsterdam on its way to Milan.
Back in the Amsterdam airport, the other teams have apparently figured out that the Chipsters went Alitalia, and they're reassuring themselves that they did the right thing in sticking with KLM. Al explains that he would have worried over the connection too much, and Millie agrees. At 8:35 AM, however, we see the Chipsters' plane touch down in Milan. (Or so they would have us believe. I've always assumed all the plane shots are fake, because it's not like you're going to send a camera guy to Milan in this situation just so he can sit on the ground and film the plane landing, given that it looks just like every other plane.) The Chipsters hustle off the plane and onto a bus, and they head for the 10:15 AM flight to Mumbai. See, landing at 8:35 and taking off at 10:15 is a diabolically close call with regard to the connection -- if it were much longer, you'd feel pretty comfortable, and if it were much shorter, you wouldn't go for it. You know, it's moments like this that I realize why Orbitz has taken the place of porn in the lives of so many. At any rate, the Milan to Mumbai flight takes off without incident at 10:15, so it looks like in this case, the Chipsters' gamble is going to pay off, or at least not explode in their faces and singe their eyebrows like a propane tank.
As the remainder of the teams board the KLM flight for their 10:35 departure, Jon voices over that everyone is on the flight except for the Chipsters. "We're with the pack; that's all that matters," Kelly adds. "And we're going somewhere hot." In Kelly's world, there are four Hs at the beginning of "hot. "Hhhhot." They take off.
Dueling Amazing Yellow Lines give the nutshell version of this entire sequence, showing how Chip and Reichen's flight leaves Milan just before the rest of the folks leave Amsterdam, and thus is a little ahead of them. And then? India. At this point, it's not so much that the cameramen are drunk as it is that the editors have had a little too much Red Bull, as we flash from a beach to a group of kids to a couple of very pretty temples to a woman to a crowd to some snake charmers to a sort of cow-drawn rickshaw to an old man to a beautiful sunset, and then back to the airport to monitor the arrival of the Chipsters, who are arriving at 10:55 PM. I'm tired already. Experience the chaos! Leaving the airport, they pass a throng of people waiting outside and are immediately struck by the level of activity that is evident at 11:00 at night. They look for a taxi, and when they find one, they check with their driver that he knows where Film City is, and they're off. "I hope this works," says Reichen, looking mighty squashed in the cab, which looks to be even smaller than most cabs, making the fact that he has to share the back seat with Chip and the sound guy probably even more of a trial than usual.
The Chipsters have their first look at India during this nighttime cab ride, and Chip points out to Reichen the people living along the streets. He voices over that he's traveled in India before: "I'm not bothered by anything in India, because I really like the people, and I'm used to it." There's something about Chip's tone in saying this that I just really liked; it's very respectful, as opposed to condescending. It seems to come from a pretty genuine place of "I enjoy the people in India, and the rest of it, I have no comment about," as opposed to, "I grudgingly forgive India for not having cable." As Reichen takes in the trash and junk along certain stretches of the roads, he comments that he wasn't aware conditions were so bad. "I could have never been prepared for what I'm looking at right now." The Love Theme From Perhaps I Shouldn't Complain About That Scratch On My Fender Quite So Loudly sighs in contemplation. Reichen goes on, "I look around and I ask myself what happened. What happened to make it like this? I don't know. I'm going to be thinking about this a lot tonight." A photogenic tear trickles from the corner of his eye. Aw. I think in a lot of ways, the "I ask myself what happened" sentiment is code for the "I have to wonder why them, and not me?" question, which is harder to talk about. And he's right, of course.
There are people who react to the India episodes with a lot of discomfort, and who think the show exploits or uses the people and some of the conditions they live in. I see their point, but I'm not one of them. Look, I said the same thing in the first season -- they can't teach you about India on a show like this. The best and only thing they can really accomplish is to sample certain places on certain days and show you that this is what it looks like. I actually think they do a relatively good job of being nonjudgmental about it, and to the degree that they're trying to demonstrate that India might strike you as a little sad in some places, they demonstrate it by showing you the impression it makes on the contestants -- like what just happened with Reichen.
Commercials. I would actually need a lot less Tylenol if that commercial weren't so noisy.
We're back to India, where it's...well, crowded. At 11:30 PM, the KLM flight lands at Mumbai. As Monica and Sheree crowd into their cab, they wonder if their driver has been drinking. Then, in a move that can't feel too reassuring, they pray in the back seat as he prepares to leave. Hey, Esquire told me they had a drunken cab driver in India, too. Maybe it was the same guy. BuffJon and Kelly are looking for a cab as well, with Jon voicing over that "it looked like chaos" when they got outside the airport. In the cab, Kelly none-too-gracefully reports that "this is [her] worst nightmare." Actually, she says it twice. BuffJon cackles at her discomfort. "Welcome to Bombay," he says, apparently of the opinion that when the British name you, you stay named.
The International Society of Clowns and Virgins is also looking for cabs. ClownJon demonstrates his nose-balancing skills with a pen for the driver, and the driver looks at least mildly amused. It's certainly the best reaction he's going to get during this particular episode, so he'd be wise to relish it. Elsewhere, Team Who is also grabbing a cab. David looks into the camera and says with perfectly dry perkiness, "We're going straight into the desert to be sacrificed." Officially, this remark is insensitive, but I will also admit that both when I saw it the first time and every time I saw it again while writing the recap, it made me laugh out loud. The delivery is positively sublime, really. And, you know, believe it or not, there are people who deal with stressful situations using arguably inappropriate humor. (I know. I was shocked, too.) And frankly, if he's funny, then he's been holding out on me.
Tian is feeling more chipper about the chaos. She says she loves it, because she's never seen anything like it. "It smells different, it sounds different..." "Oh, it smells different," Jaree says emphatically. "That's for sure." The cabs skitter through the streets, and then we are at Bollywood, arriving with the Chipsters. They get to the clue box and pull the clue, which tells them to grab a bike and make their way to Studio 10, where they'll search a soundstage to find the clue. Hours of operation? 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM. Dun dun duuuun! "So we're here for nine hours," Chip observes, a slave to the bunching. They decide to take their space blankets and sleep outside.
The Falconette cab is experiencing some tension. "A little scary," Monica comments. Hey, look, an elephant! Elephants are cool.
"We ain't in Jersey anymore, Kel," says BuffJon over in The Cab Of Being Fulfilled Weekly. "We're not in Texas, either," she agrees with a smile. Tian, on the other hand, is just enjoying the ride. "I'm very excited to see how the city looks," she comments. To me, it looks like it has a super-lot of people in it, is how it looks. To Chuck, it looks like a 1950s horror movie about nuclear fallout. "I just saw the biggest rat I think I've ever seen in my entire life," he remarks. "It looked like a cat." Ew. Millie chuckles. ["As does Sars, having seen that rat or one of its siblings herself at the Broadway/Lafayette subway stop." -- Sars]
At the Bollywood gate, the Falconettes are the to arrive. "Go to the box, babies," Chip (I think) greets them. BuffJon and Kelly are , and Kelly remarks that "this is tough." With a honk, Millie and Chuck's taxi pulls up, as Kelly surveys the sleeping-outside situation and remarks that "if the Supremes can do it, [she] can do it." Team Who and the clowns follow. Bringing up the rear are Tian and Jaree. Jaree and Chip share a hug and kiss. "Hey, pumpkin," she says to him. Hee. I believe it's Team Who providing the voice-over explaining that the teams all just lay down together in a big communal heap outside the gate. "The calm before the storm, so to speak." Actually, they're getting so dirty at this point that it looks more like the calm before the outdoor folk festival, but whatever.
The morning, a variety of very pretty sunrise shots leads us back to the snoozing group. Tian is building a little fire for some reason (I'm sorry, what now?) while Jeff brushes his teeth. How quaint. "Wow, what a night," remarks an exhausted-looking ClownJon as he takes in the surroundings in daylight. Millie is also jarred when she takes a look around. "It's kinda sad," ClownJon says to her. "You don't realize how lucky you are, you know?" Millie looks downhill from where they're camped out, and sees that there are quite a number of people living, as she puts it, "in really hard situations." She interviews that she's having a hard time watching kids emerge from "what are basically paper shanties." She comments that they're going to school; I have no idea whether that's the case or not, but it very well might be -- she may have seen a bunch of kids headed for the same place, for instance, which would tend to support her theory. She goes on to remark that if she won the money, she'd love to come back and do something to help the kids down the hill. Yeah, it's a little naïve, but...what else could you think in that circumstance? She cries a little and tries to concentrate on chewing her gum.
At 9:30 AM, the teams (apparently in line according to their arrivals -- how civilized!) go through a gate and are handed what I think are passes allowing them to wander around the studios without being accosted by security guards. They then run over to a group of marked bikes and take off riding in search of Studio 10. "Go fast, go hard," says Chuck to Millie, forgetting again to check that Double-Entendre Avoidance Device. Hee hee. Jaree, in an unfortunate flashback to form, is walking her bike as Tian encourages her to get moving. Team Who is first to find their way into the right studio. There, a variety of dancers dance on a stage around a collection of pillows and urns, and it is somewhere in that arrangement that Who finds their clue. ("Hurry up, dude," one of them says. Man, they are turning into Esquire.) The clue directs them to this week's Detour.
Phil, now sporting a shiny white shirt appropriate for the warm climate, explains the Detour, and the fact that this week's choice is Suds or Duds. In Suds, you go to a relatively easy-to-find "outdoor laundromat" and wash a bundle of clothes until they reveal the clue, which is printed on one of the pieces of clothing under all the dirt. Note that "outdoor laundromat" in this context basically means a complex of large open vats of water in which you wash your clothes by hand, and then beat them within an inch of their lives. The task will be dirty, but shouldn't take terribly long and is easy to find. In "Duds," you find a little sari shop that's more out of the way, and you hunt through a few thousand cloths until you find the one with the clue printed on it. Unless you were really, really afraid of dirt, it's hard for me to understand why you would take the Duds in this situation. I don't think the muddy clothes are scary enough to qualify as a quasi-Reckless/Chicken like the poo was last week, so it's really more of a Tortoise/Hare where the laundry is the plodding Tortoise, except that it doesn't seem like the laundry is going to take that long. If they had said you had to completely finish washing, say, five bags of clothing, it would have been a better Detour, I think. As Phil adds at the end, no matter which Detour option you take, you can only get there by way of what he calls "India's crowded and bewildering public transportation." Boy, I heard that, Phil. Team Who goes for the Suds, and the Chipsters, Kelly and BuffJon, Chuck and Millie, and the Falconettes quickly follow. Team Who concludes that the best way to move toward the train station is on foot, so they just take off running. Millie and Chuck start running after them, as Tian and Jaree read the clue, go with popular opinion, and also decide on the Suds. ClownJon and Al, on the other hand, have decided to go for the Duds option. Al almost sounds like he thinks the clue said the Suds option involved hanging up all the clothes, but if it did, Phil didn't read that part.
Elsewhere, a pack consisting of Team Who, the Falconettes, Kelly and BuffJon, and the International Society of Clowns and Virgins is running along the road. The Chipsters, on the other hand, have gotten back on their bikes and are pedaling back in the direction of the gate where they came in. Tian and Jaree, meanwhile, look like they may be in for another round of Look How Much My Partner Sucks The Bag, as Tian repeats yet again that it sucks that Jaree can't run, because they're behind. "Everybody's ahead of us anyway, so…" Jaree grumps as she trudges along the road. Tian voices over that she's decided that if they lose because they can't run, then that's what happens, but she's not going to keep picking on Jaree over it. And, see, I think that's more productive anyway. I think in some of these push-pull relationships, the more one person pulls in one direction, the more the other person pulls in the other direction. "You can't make a dog with three legs run faster," Tian comments. Well, you can, but you need a firecracker and a metal bucket. (Just kidding! Don't email me!)
The Chipsters have found their way to a bus that they're being told goes to the train station in Mumbai, where they can catch a train to get to where they need to go.
David and Jeff, BuffJon and Kelly, and Chuck and Millie make it onto a bus that's just leaving as they're climbing on, but Monica and Sheree have apparently lost the pack, because they're still asking for directions, unsure of what exactly they should do . I've always thought this was actually the biggest risk of following other people -- it means you have no plan of your own, so if you get separated from them, you have no idea what to do. The Falconettes have, however, found themselves just across the road from a similarly trudging Al and Jon, who also didn't get on the bus.
Speaking of the bus, BuffJon gives the update that he and Kelly, Millie and Chuck, and David and Jeff have left Monica and Sheree and ClownJon and Al behind. "I hope we're going the right way," he says. Tian and Jaree, meanwhile, also grab a bus that's on the way by.
The Chipsters are the first to arrive at the Mumbai train station. As they prepare to board, they notice that there are guys literally hanging off the side of the train, it's so crowded. Reichen explains that in order to get on this particular train, you had to push and shove as hard as you could, because it's pretty much a solid wall of humanity inside the cars. They manage to...well, push and shove their way onto the train. The only thing I can think about during this scene is the poor camera guy, who has to push and shove himself and his equipment around. Those guys should get hazard pay. Or at least the occasional hazard beer.
Jon and Kelly and David and Jeff have shown up at the station, and when Kelly asks when the train is, she's told it's within a few minutes, so she and her crowd prepare to board as well. Chuck and Millie somehow got separated from them between the bus and the train, because they're still asking directions and trying to figure out how to get to the train station. I would point out that as Kelly and Jon make their way to the platform to board the train, there are a number of women visible in the shot, so it's certainly not the case that women in India don't take trains, despite the way things look from later shots inside the cars. As the train pulls in, Kelly and Jon become aware of the incredible crowding as well, and though they run frantically from car to car looking for one that has space, they eventually wind up just watching the train pull out, having concluded that it was literally impossible to get on. Neither they nor David and Jeff make it onto the train. "That was interesting, huh?" David says as he and Jeff exchange a funny little "zoiks" smile. Hee. Yeah, they're definitely growing on me a little.
Outside, Millie and Chuck are getting to the train station as well.
Back on the platform, Kelly tells Jon to just push his way onto the train, undoubtedly thinking that they have no other real options. When the train comes, they do have an easier time actually getting onto it than it looked like they would have had on the last one, but there is great chaos and there's still extremely tight crowding. Kelly calls over her shoulder, "Is everybody in?" and while she certainly could have been talking about David and Jeff, who were behind them, I'm pretty sure she was talking to her crew, because it's pretty clear that there's a substantial risk here of getting separated from your crew. You can actually see Jeff watching for his guys, I think, too. Team Guido has always told us that it's like traveling with children -- if they don't go, you don't go. "Somebody's grabbin' my butt," Kelly remarks rather matter-of-factly as the car fills with men. Just as she did in the cab, she says, "This is my nightmare," twice, which I'm not sure is too helpful. Once they're on the way, Kelly begins to panic as a result of being absolutely squashed within an inch of her life. She insists she wants off the train. "Somebody help Kelly, please," Jon says, apparently again addressing the crew. (At least it seemed that way -- I'm not sure who else he could have been talking to.)
Back at the station, Millie and Chuck wait for the train. When it arrives, Millie -- without checking on the location of her crew, Chuck, or anything of that kind -- climbs right onto the train. Chuck calmly calls to her that he can't get on the train. "I can't, Millie," he says, apparently not wanting to push and shove through the guys who are boarding. And, just for the folks in the cheap seats, Millie yells, "I can't get off, Chuck!" Ay yi yi. Eventually, Chuck seems to get himself on the train, if by "on" you mean "sort of hanging off the side." It isn't clear quite what happens there, but judging from the fact that you will not be seeing a single shot of Chuck and Millie on the train, and from the look of that scene, I think Chuck and Millie lost their crew at the platform. Baaad Millie.
Tian and Jaree manage to shove their way onto a train as well, but they're just as squashed as everybody else was. And then you hear Jaree: "Somebody just grabbed my boob. Don't grab my boob, dude, or I'll throw you off the train," she says ominously, and not at all figuratively. Tian then notes that she's getting pinched, followed by Jaree noting that she's being "fondled." "Jaree?" Tian calls out, unable to even see her partner through the crowd. "I'm over here, T," says a weary Jaree, who then comments, "Oh, man, the smells are...just everything on this train is making me sick." "Baby, we can do this," Tian says from her position crushed up against a wall. Jaree grimaces.
Commercials. Okay, that is Frankie from Another World and that is Lois Lane's evil memory doctor, and I have entirely too much of television history rattling around in my brain.
Back on the train, Jaree is commenting that "everybody was fondling [her]." In a voice-over, she says, "Nothing has happened that would define us as a 'girl team' until today." Tian, in turn, voices over that she and Jaree are "second-class citizens here," so they're sticking together and gutting it out.
ClownJon is in the process of balancing something on his nose again, in an effort to entertain a crowd that is looking on with some interest but little amusement. "Nothing. Hard crowd," he says. I really felt for him there, because I think he's used to Clown being the universal language, which it often is, and he was clearly pretty surprised and more than a little embarrassed to see it fail him that time.
Elsewhere, Monica and Sheree receive the bad news from a helpful local that where they're trying to get for the Suds option is "very far from here." He tells them they can go by train, but it's far away. Sheree voices over that she's been "living the life" recently, so it's been a while since she really struggled with something as hard as this. "It's really been awakening for me," she says. She and Monica stand on a street, looking upset and frustrated.
Al and ClownJon are now on the train to the Duds option, and ClownJon notes from the sea of arms in which he finds himself that "the New York subways are nothing compared to this."
Now, we arrive at the Mahalaxmi train station, which is apparently where you head if you're looking for Suds. The Chipsters are the first to get there, and they ask directions to the Suds location. Phil re-explains the Detour for no particular reason, recapping that six of the seven teams are on their way to Suds, while Al and ClownJon have elected to go for Duds. "Honey, we're gonna wash some clothes!" Chip (I think) calls out as they run toward the Laundromat. Heh. When they get there, it is not immediately obvious to them where the stuff they're supposed to wash is located. As it turns out, they have run right past the bags of laundry with the red and yellow ribbons on them. Duh. He brings it back to Reichen in triumph. They open the bag, shocked at how really muddy and dusty the clothes are. We see them washing the clothes in the vats, as Reichen voices over that they "got completely filthy, covered by mud and clay." Oh, and he thinks there might have been some manure, too. Aw, manure. It's like a motif.
The bus carrying Team Who and Kelly and BuffJon arrives at the station, and as they pile off, Kelly manages to say "this is my nightmare" two more times, and BuffJon voices over that she's "a trooper." "There's not many girls who would be able to throw themselves into situations like this one today and focus and get through it." I like to think that when he says "there's not many girls," BuffJon means "there's not many girls because there's not many people," but sadly, I suspect BuffJon actually means "there's not many girls." They hold hands as they make their way up the stairs away from the train. "Good job, baby," he says to her. "That was awful," she says, still miserable. These two teams also find their way to the Suds, and they seem to find the designated laundry bags a little more easily. The Chipsters are still washing, and they're not too happy to see other teams arriving. As BuffJon and Kelly get started, she finds herself splashed by the water being thrown by a guy beating his clothes on a rock beside her. She hollers in protest, because she's Kelly, and that's exactly what you would expect.
The first Suds team to find the clue is the Chipsters, who uncover the words, "Get to Indo Engineering at Sassoon Docks." Phil explains that this is also in Mumbai, and when they get there, they'll find the clue. Team Who is quick to find the clue, so they and the Chipsters head out at just about the same time. As Kelly and BuffJon keep looking, the guy to her slops her with even more water this time. It's hard to tell a smile from a laundry-pounding grimace, but I believe he might have been having a bit of fun with Miss Kelly and her horrified hollering. She mutters to BuffJon that some of the water got into her mouth: "Now I'm gonna get diarrhea." Kelly then finds the clue at last. She and BuffJon, unlike the Pectoral College, leave on the bus rather than in a cab. Kind of a puzzling decision unless they're cash-poor, but I have to say that my recollections of the very bad experiences that some of the first-season racers had with cab drivers in India make me maybe understand it a little better. After all, they don't want to wind up so lost that they find themselves in a building with a sign that says "Is there a BOMB near you?"
Speaking of cabs, Reichen is trying to get the Chipster cab going. "Will you drive fast? Rapid?" he asks. The driver says he will. Team Who is doing the same thing in their cab, maintaining that they're trying to win a little race to the docks. I have a feeling that the Pectoral College is developing a little intramural racing league that's probably beneficial for all its participants.
On the bus, BuffJon explains that someone told him the bus was the fastest way to Sassoon Docks, and Kelly adds emphatically through clenched teeth that "the bus is much better than the train."
Speaking of the train, Millie and Chuck have (it appears) reunited with their crew at the train station, where she is saying that they're now looking for the laundry. She and Chuck, just like teams before them, stroll right by the red and yellow tags and into the laundry, where they become perplexed. It's actually Chuck who apparently concludes first that they should just pick up some laundry that's lying around and start washing it. This, despite the fact that what they're looking at appears to be clean, and therefore unlikely to have any caked dirt on it that uncovers a clue, and also the fact that they're clearly surrounded by actual people doing their actual laundry, so what they're about to do seems to be risky at best. But of all the things Millie and Chuck are good at, they are most emphatically not good at stopping and figuring out what the hell they're doing before they do things. So Millie just takes some clothes that are nearby and plunges them into the dirty water she's standing in. Understandably, the guy whose laundry that is doesn't really appreciate this, and comes over to take his clothes back. Millie explains that as it turned out, she took clean laundry and dunked it back in the dirty water. Hee. Millie's a Bad Samaritan. What's especially nice is that she gives him this pissed-off, snotty look as he walks away with his own clothes, so she apparently didn't even feel particularly apologetic. Thwarted, she orders Chuck to look for a bundle of laundry.
Tian and Jaree are able to get off the train at last. Jaree vows to never get on another train in India again, while Tian remarks, actually with a disbelieving and regretful smile, "I've never had my ass pinched so much in all my life."
Millie, apparently on a trail as if someone gave her a heads-up (perhaps someone who saw other teams), is encouraging Chuck to run back outside to look for the laundry bag, and this time, he finds it. They get started just as Tian and Jaree catch up to them. Chuck and Millie are having some disagreements about laundry technique, because Millie's in the water, while Chuck seems to be taking the approach of shaking out the really dusty stuff before he even hands it over to be washed -- hoping, I think, that he'll be able to spot the letters of the clue through the dirt and save Millie some washing. He voices over that becoming competitive with each other is "not uncommon" for them, because neither of them likes to give in. "Gosh, you don't listen to me at all," she despairs. Then she whines, some more, "Chuck, pleeeease." "Millie?" Chuck says evenly as he unfolds and examines another shirt. "Please be quiet." Heh. Hey, even Chuck has his limits, people.
Tian recommends that she and Jaree just dump the whole bag of laundry in the water and then pull them out as you wash them off, which I think is actually a fairly good plan, but Jaree responds by throwing the entire bag -- bag and all, still tied up -- into the water. "You cannot be serious," Tian says with frustration as she endeavors to untie it.
ClownJon and Al are getting out of the train station and heading for the Duds. As they leave, you can see a train car go by with women leaning out, and if you pause at the right time, you can see that the car says, "Ladies Only." So that's what happened to the women. They didn't ride in the women's cars -- either because of the crew, or because they didn't choose to, or because they didn't know -- so they were riding in cars where women normally wouldn't. This is probably particularly an issue for Tian and Jaree, who rode without boyfriends. I'm not excusing anything that happened to them; I'm just saying it somewhat solves the mystery of whether Indian women don't ride the trains or endure that kind of behavior all the time. Moreover, it's important to remember that the vast majority of guys on that train were undoubtedly behaving themselves; it doesn't take very many assholes to commit some pretty ridiculous behavior. The clowns take off in search of the shop where the Duds will be found. "I hope this works," Al mutters.
Monica and Sheree are just now grabbing the bus to the train station. Uh-oh. They're starting to get The Look.
Millie finds the muddy clue at the laundry at last. They take off, leaving Tian and Jaree still looking.
Al and ClownJon, predictably, are having a bit of trouble finding the sari shop. ClownJon voices over that it was difficult navigating the marketplace. Would those be "the chaotic streets of this chaotic marketplace"? Because I think that place has been in about six different episodes in about four different countries.
Monica and Sheree finally reach the train station. Once on the train, Monica comments that she "hope[s] this leg is about to end real soon."
At last, ClownJon and Al have found their way to the sari shop. They start hunting through saris.
Tian and Jaree are back at the laundry, trying to find their way through the grime to the clue. They track it down at last, and quickly hop out of the tub to get on their way, as a couple of the observing locals give them a shout of encouragement. They ask how far it is to the docks, and are told that it's forty-five minutes. They encourage the driver to hurry, suddenly substantially more interested in their lot in life than they were last week.
Monica and Sheree get out of the first class car and head for Suds. At Duds, ClownJon and Al continue flipping through fabric until ClownJon finally locates the Sassoon Docks clue. Their cab driver tells them it's fifteen or twenty minutes to the docks, so they did pick up some time there on the Suds people.
Monica and Sheree, poster girls for Killer Fatigue all of a sudden, have gone once through the laundry bag without successfully finding the clue, so they have to start over and go through everything again. "All I'm praying is somebody else had worse luck than we did," Monica says. They persevere. And pray.
Commercials. I don't care how nice the Best Buy guy is; I'm not inviting him over.
Back at the laundry, Monica and Sheree finally find the clue. "It's not over till it's over," they chant to themselves. They grab a taxi and head for the docks.
The Pectoral College is just arriving at the docks, and when they pull the clue, it's this week's Roadblock. In the Roadblock, the team member has to take a basket through the fish market to a particular merchant, and then has to pluck twenty palai fish from a pile that includes some other kinds as well. Put those twenty fish in the basket, bring the basket back, and you're done. I love how Phil, when he's explaining the Roadblock, loudly proclaims the fish market "foul-smelling" while standing right in the middle of it. I half-expected somebody to dump a pile of fish guts on his head.
The dark-haired members of the Pectoral College -- Chip and Jeff -- take the Roadblock for their respective teams, and given that there's likely to be a bit of chaos and they know they're out in front, the two guys choose to look for the merchant together. The best part of the introductory yappety-yap of this Roadblock is the opportunity to hear David say to Jeff, "Memorize that fish!" That would make a great game show, I think. It could be like Cram, except they could lock you in the National Aquarium overnight. Wow, that's such a good idea I can hardly believe it's not already on. Anyway, back at the starting line, David and Reichen talk about how different the surroundings are from what they're used to. "It's the most messed-up thing I've ever seen in my life," Reichen says uncomfortably. Chip and Jeff find the correct pile of fish, and start plucking out the palai. Much as they did at Cheesetown, the locals look on in amusement. Jeff then gets help from some guys to lift the basket up onto his head, which is how the other people walking around seem to be carrying things. Chip hoists his up top as well. What they weren't counting on was what Chip calls the "shower of fish tuna water" that they receive by carrying fish in baskets on their heads. It's an interesting question, how a local person would handle that without having the same problem. Line the basket with something? I'm just speculating. They certainly don't all appear to be covered with fish tuna water. These guys do seem to be becoming buddies as they finish the Roadblock and have their fish counted. They've both successfully brought back the right twenty fish on the first try, so they're free to go. And smelling quite lovely, I suspect. They're off to the pit stop, which is the Gateway of India, a big monument that, for India, is relatively new at 79 years old, having been built to commemorate a visit from Queen Mary. The last team to check in will be eliminated. Ooooh, the MAT! Can't sleep…mat will eat me...
As the boys get going to the pit stop, Reichen voices over that although he's enjoyed the friendliness with Team Who, they're also big competition, as they're both competitive, confident pairs of guys. Both of these teams get cabs, and both of them take off, and now it's a race for first place. Everybody takes shots at bribing and cajoling their cab drivers, and it of course makes you wonder why they're bothering fighting so hard over first place. I'm sure it's partly because they know there might be a cruise involved, but I also think it's not that mystifying if you've ever known boys who are really, really competitive. Because they will compete over anything, including the last graham cracker in the box, and every competition is deadly serious, and the idea of doing anything other than coming in first when coming in first is an option is a horrifying disappointment that requires you to plot revenge for the rest of your natural life. I mean, I'm sure they're racing for the cruise, but they're also racing because it's a race, if that makes sense, and guys like this get off on having somebody to beat.
BuffJon and Kelly arrive at the Roadblock, and unsurprisingly, he takes over for their team.
David, still bribing the driver. Team Who's driver seems to gain a slight advantage at one particular point by edging around a truck. "Floor it!" Jeff yells. There's the Gateway! Screeeeeech! There's the Who cab, with the Chipsters right on their heels. Team Who grabs their stuff out of the trunk and narrowly avoids being hit by a car that jolts to a stop about a foot away from them. Yeah, smooth one, there, guys. Who, running! Chipsters, running! Horn-heavy soundtrack! Phil and the greeter, waiting somberly on the mat! Birds scatter as Team Who rushes to the gate, and then David and Jeff go into a pack-laden dead sprint up the sidewalk. Chip is just behind them, but he's calling for Reichen, who seems to be a little behind, probably from paying the cabbie. "Reichen, come on!" Chip yells. Chipsters, running! Who, running! Chipsters, making a desperate tear in the direction of Phil, trying to close the gap. "Get up there!" Jeff yells as they race for the mat. Aaaaand as to the mat, Who's! On! First!
Man, between that scene and arriving at that punch line, I totally feel like I need a cigarette, don't you?
"Welcome to Mumbai," says the greeter. Phil welcomes Team Who to the mat as team number one, and awards them their seven-night cruise. I love how Phil always adds, "Which you can enjoy after the race," like they're going to get confused and go now. Welcome, Chipsters, you are team number two. They are glad, but they are also peeved about coming in second. Because they are boys.
Jon is filling his basket with fish. While he doesn't hoist the full basket onto his head, he does carry it on his shoulder, which gives him a similar sprinkling of fish juice down his shirt. You can actually see it cascading down his back as he runs back toward the clue box. "Good job, babe!" Kelly says happily as the market manager checks the fish to make sure Jon got he right ones.
Millie and Chuck are out of their cab at the docks.
Jon and Kelly have their fish certified by the manager and are able to depart with the pit stop clue in hand. "I smell like fish food," Jon says thoughtfully. As they leave, Kelly comments that she saw both Millie and the clowns arriving.
Sure enough, the ISCV is arriving, and Chuck and ClownJon take the Roadblock. At about the same time, Tian and Jaree appears, and unsurprisingly, this physical and unpleasant task falls to Tian. Both Tian and ClownJon seem to get what is probably an inadvertent bum steer from people at the fish pile who assure them that all the fish are the same, which we know is not the case. Chuck, Tian, and ClownJon all take off with their baskets, although only ClownJon takes the hoisting approach. Chuck interviews that as soon as he returned with the fish, he realized that he hadn't been careful enough, because he didn't check to make sure he had the right kind of fish. The market manager tells him that he needs ten more, because half of his first load was wrong. ClownJon returns and gets similar bad news that he needs twelve more of the palai. Tian explains as she hauls the basket up against her body that the task is very hard and the basket is very heavy. She voices over that she thinks "the only way you limit yourself is to limit yourself," which is one of those things that's completely ridiculous and yet sort of true. She does eventually wind up hoisting the basket over her head, and once she returns and dumps it, she's clearly very tired and near tears. "Good job, girl," Jaree says, and comes over to put an arm around Tian. Tian leans on Jaree's shoulder and Jaree rubs her arm comfortingly as the market guy counts the fish. She finds out that she needs six more fish, so she turns around and heads back out. "Good girl, good girl," Jaree cheers as Tian takes off. Look who's functional all of a sudden? Go figure.
Back at the mat, Kelly and BuffJon arrive. Welcome, you are team number three. "Give me a big hug, Phil," says BuffJon, still covered in fish juice. Phil wisely ignores him. Heh.
Back at the fish market, Chuck and ClownJon are returning with the supplementary fish they need to complete the task. Chuck gets approved first, so he and Millie take off. Tian returns to the fish pile as well to fetch a few more palai. This time, she does hoist it all the way up onto her head, to the mild cheering of a supportive and somewhat amused crowd. Back at the market manager's station, ClownJon gets his fish counted and is cleared for takeoff. Tian then returns as well, and gets another energetic hug and shoulder-rub from Jaree. "Tian at the Roadblock kicked butt," Jaree says, bringing that inflection to the word "butt" that only a mildly southern bad-ass chick can really deliver. Tian starts out looking like she's kissing Jaree's shoulder, but then it ends up looking like she's really wiping her face on Jaree's shirt. Hee. Suddenly filled with energy, Tian jumps up and down happily, shouting, "Clue! Clue! Clue!" She receives the clue, and they go. "Come on, let's go!" Jaree yells energetically. "Tax-iiii!" Jaree voices over -- and listen up, if you ever intend to try to cajole anyone into doing anything -- that Tian's decision to stop putting her down and bugging her all the time has made her want to work harder and do better. Treat people with respect, and they want more of it, and they do better. It's as true with racing as it is with four-year-olds. Oh, and what happens right there? Jaree grabs Tian's pack along with her own and says reassuringly, "I got it -- let's go!" Awesome. You couldn't write that if you tried.
Al and ClownJon are also getting into their cab. "It's us and the girls," Al says unhappily. "The Gateway to India," ClownJon says to the driver. "Rapidito." There is a pause. "'Rapidito' doesn't mean 'fast' in every language," Al says quietly, with an almost imperceptible chortle. God, no kidding. And also, hee hee.
In last place are Monica and Sheree, just now arriving at the docks. Aww. Monica tackles the fish. She doesn't seem to me to have twenty fish in the basket when they show her, so she may have done it in a couple of trips -- which, depending on how far it was, might not have been the worst idea. They get on their way to the pit stop as well. On the way there, Monica asks God for a miracle. God picks up his rubber duckie. "[Squeak squeak]," says God.
The clowns and Tian and Jaree are on their way to the pit stop in cabs, while Millie and Chuck have picked up a little time and are already running to the pit stop. How do they keep doing that? They bug me. Welcome, Millie and Chuck, you're team number four. Chuck looks very, very unhappy at the mat today, and not especially excited when Millie wants a high five. He eventually gives what I would call a meh-five.
Clowns, Falconettes, and Tian and Jaree are now all being shown on the way to the pit stop -- though I secretly suspect that it wasn't quite this close. "I just know we're going to get out and run," says a reenergized Tian. We first see Al and ClownJon pull up, along with Tian and Jaree. "It's here, Jaree!" Tian suddenly yells. "Run!" And...what do you know? It's Jaree, running with her backpack. As they get inside the gate, the ladies drop their packs (good move) and take off. They land on the mat. Welcome, you are team number five. Good for them. They did really well this week. They also hug each other with a lot of excitement when they're checked in, which is more than I can say for some other teams that shall remain nameless, like Chuck and Millie. "Jaree and I are not quitters," says Tian. It is remarkable to think that last week, Tian didn't care if they were eliminated. My guess? week, they are so gone.
It apparently was really close between the girls and the clowns, because Jon and Al step on the mat while Tian is still catching her breath. "Jon and Al, you're team number six," says Phil. Very relieved, ClownJon collapses on the ground. No kidding -- those guys have run a really good race so far, and it would have sucked to get bumped by one bad leg.
Sigh. Speaking of getting bumped by one bad leg, here are Monica and Sheree, emerging from their cab. They go up to the mat, and they're Philiminated. I was sad to see them go, but honestly, they were Philiminated fair and square as can be. I'm happier to see teams go out where it's not luck and it's not bunching and it's not their cab driver -- they lost, it appeared, because they didn't do a good job getting from Film City to the Detour. It's a shame, but it happens. They also got the wind knocked out of them by India, which is what I think Sheree says when she concludes, "India just wasn't my cup of tea."
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Our tour of seventh-grade homeroom continues as Jon and Kelly keep up their constant monitoring of Millie's mole. Tian just about loses her shirt in a mud hazard of some kind, so you know at least some people will be watching. Ernie the Elephant's cousin has a cameo.