Previously on VanMunsterhaus: Vienna beckoned, so there was really no need to dawdle in Venice unless you were a pigeon or a gondolier. Exhaustion put in an appearance as Tian harangued about the burden of Jaree's backpack and Millie's lungs waved a little red sign that said, "HELP! HELP HELP!" Millie was very put out with Chip for running into her fingernail with his nose. He bled on the virgin, the inconsiderate ape! ["THAT'S PART OF THE RITUAL. WHAT ARE YOU, NEW?" -- Tsathoggua] Austria's powerful musical traditions sent Josh and Steve through a hazardous waltz of fire on their way to the Fast Forward, and sent Jon and Kelly to a fateful meeting with Campy von Beethoven, Ludwig's great-great-great-great grandnephew. The Pectoral College realized it needed to take fewer transfer students from the Barbizon Schools of Modeling, and perhaps impose a stricter SAT cutoff. There was bungee-jumping, because the failure to include bungee-jumping would violate the Geneva Convention. Karma walked up to Russell, tapped him on the shoulder, spat on the floor, and said, "You. Out." (Incidentally, there are four -- count them, four -- appearances by The Horns of Perseverance during these previouslys, making them the best previouslys ever, based solely on HoP count.)
"Who will be eliminated..." The national debt doubles to four hundred jillion dollars and twelve cents, and W's rolling Oval Office desk chair (which he calls the "wheelie seat") is repossessed. "...tonight?"
Credits. This week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance Of TiVo: As it turns out, Millie keeps one foot on Chuck's goodies at all times. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Sometimes Mommy goes shopping instead of supervising your use of the automatic ice maker, because she's a very, very bad mommy. That's why Daddy is seeing Tiffani.
We zoom in and out of the Seeschloss Orth as Phil reminds us that it was the third pit stop. Phil has the brown suede jacket on over a black and white speckly sweater, and that is not working for me. It may be because I have that sweater myself. I'm fairly girly, Phil; you and I should not have much in the way of overlapping wardrobe. Eat/Sleep/Mingle reveals Millie slapping AirSteve on the shoulder (though she will probably later claim that he rammed her hand with his body). Phil wonders aloud whether Millie's asthma or the Chipsters' obnoxious behavior will result in further problems. I vote for a crossover storyline where Millie breaks Reichen's jaw with her inhaler.
2:57 AM. DadSteve and Josh. The clue tells them to get to an airport and fly themselves to Paris. Josh marble-mouths the rest of the clue, so Phil steps in to clarify that once they get to France, they are not actually going to "frrnmmp rrlmmgrrnnph," but instead will travel to Le Mans and visit the racetrack there to get their clue. "You have $440 for this leg of the race," Josh reads. Boy, if they keep handing out this much money, the biggest threat to good racing is going to be bandit encounters, followed by blisters resulting from stuffing your socks with crisp new twenties. As Josh and DadSteve get into their taxi, they bicker about whether to take the taxi all the way to Salzburg to the airport, or to take the taxi to the train station and then get a train to Salzburg. DadSteve wants to take the taxi the whole way, but Josh insists that because it's eighty kilometers to Salzburg, they should take the train. Thus does Josh become Guy Who Woefully Misapprehends The Race. Josh insists to his dad that everyone else will take the train, but even if this were so, you might still want to get the cab -- the better to get out ahead of the slackers. Unfortunately, being imbued with about as much wisdom as the guy who green-lighted From Justin To Kelly doesn't stop Josh from snapping at his dad that they're going to the train station, dammit. DadSteve gives in, so we see them arriving at the deserted Attnang train station. Josh despairs -- overly optimistically, as it turns out -- that the teams will soon be "bunched up" (shout-out!) at the train station, while his dad continues to mutter that he's not sure the train station was such a great idea.
3:51 AM. Monica and Sheree. I know this will surprise you, but Monica reveals that they are both married to professional athletes. "When we travel, people take care of us," she says. She says that they're learning to take care of themselves and each other. That's good, I suppose. But I get it, about their husbands. Really. Get it. If I ever accidentally state that their husbands are plumbers or mimes, you may all feel free to correct me. Until then? Consider it gotten. (Actually, "Mimes' Wives" would make a great team. They'd be watching some guy gesticulating wildly while trying to give directions in French, and they'd be all, "What is that? Is that 'walking against the wind'?") When they grab their cab, they tell the driver that they want the taxi to take them straight to the Salzburg airport. In the cab, they hug and squeal happily about going to Paris. Aw, they can buy souvenirs for their husbands, like t-shirts that say "French Accountants Do It By The Numbers." Wait, they didn't say their husbands were accountants?
3:53 AM. Chipsters. Chip freakishly overenunciates "get yourself to an airport and fly to Paris" as Reichen counts the money. "Paris," in particular, Chip pronounces as if it has been extracted from the phrase "my teeth and lips have been locked in this freakish grimace ever since I visited that naturopathic dentist in Paris." In their cab, a very sleepy-sounding Reichen flatly states, "We're not taking the train, we're taking a taxi." He's all battery-operated Wax Boy this morning, running on autopilot. Chip voices over that his biggest fear is that they're both so intense that they'll start bickering about who's right and they won't get the necessary work done. My biggest fear is being devoured by Chip's teeth when they come to life, grow wings, and swoop in through my window while I sleep.
3:57 AM. Tian and Jaree. In the cab, Jaree is protesting that she doesn't want something thrown away, and it sounds like she's saying it's something she won, although she could be saying "I want that" rather than "I won that." Tian says she'll buy her another one, but they're not keeping whatever it is, because it's "extra weight." Tian's holding a map, but I get the sense that they're actually talking about something else Jaree wants. I would again point out that it's a real asshole move to bring someone on a race like this and treat her like an errant child. If she's really that big of an albatross, do the race with someone else. But if this is the partner you choose to show up with? Step off, Xena.
DadSteve and Josh remain at the isolated train station, where they lean on a wall dejectedly. DadSteve is realizing that the other teams obviously aren't coming. He tries to say this to Josh, who continues to flatly insist that the other teams will show up at the train station. DadSteve tells him he's "really wrong on this one," and teases him about being "Little McScrooge" with the money. What he means to say, of course, is something more like "Scrooge McJosh," but one can't necessarily be expected to have one's Disney duck references in a row at 4:00 in the morning. "When everybody else gets here, you'll understand," Josh insists, digging into the ground with his toe in a manner that belies his claims of confidence, "and I won't hear a word from you." Wow, if only we had information regarding what it is that pride goeth before, we would know what lies ahead for Josh. The suspense is killing me.
Monica and Sheree and the Chipsters arrive at the Salzburg airport. They discuss a 6:35 flight to Frankfurt. Meanwhile, outside, Tian and Jaree de-cab and head inside. Jaree greets the other teams cheerfully, because she's apparently the social director for her increasingly abrasive, unfriendly partner. And you know you have problems getting along with others when a girl who was putting her fingers in her ears and going "la la la" last week is your goodwill ambassador.
Back at the Attnang station, Josh and DadSteve board the train. "Do you see anybody else here?" DadSteve asks, perhaps a little unnecessarily, given that they can't really change their minds now. "No, I don't. The friggin' ghost train," Josh says sarcastically, as if he's upset with someone other than himself. You know, being wrong is really hard. Being wrong in front of your parents when you've insisted you were right is probably harder than being wrong at any other time. In fact, it's so hard that I am unwilling to provide any examples of any time I might have been wrong in any such situation involving my parents, in case they ever find out I said anything about it. So I sympathize with Josh, but he's been lecturing his dad about principles of racing since the first episode, and this bit of comeuppance was probably inevitable. "I apologize. I was wrong," Josh says on the train. "See, sometimes Dad's right," DadSteve says. Josh stares miserably out the window. Aw. (Shut up. I'm allowed a moment of weakness.)
4:43 AM. Chuck and Millie, leaving nearly an hour after the last team ahead of them. Millie lays down the blunt-force metaphor about how it's hard for her to be patient with Chuck, because he's so slow. Duck your head, because if it hits you, that sucker will knock you on your ass and leave a mark. Millie, I notice, wears one of those big puffy marshmallow-man winter coats that I think are so impractical in this setting -- couldn't you find a better compromise between warmth and space management? Chuck gently voices over that Millie's extreme competitiveness is not always a good thing, in his opinion, at least from a relationship perspective. I think that what Chuck is too polite to say is basically this: "Millie's great, but if she were less pushy and mean, I probably would have proposed by now."
4:47 AM. ClownJon and Al. They are apparently all psyched up about going to Paris, and they take off running from the mat in a very clown-like fashion. ClownJon, in particular, runs like a windup toy, like one of those sets of chattering teeth with feet. I could watch ClownJon run all day, and I would continue giggling. Hey, maybe that's why he makes a good clown. Anyway, they catch up with Millie and Chuck, and Millie voices over that she digs the clowns. Al adds in an interview that they share information with Millie and Chuck, but in the end, everybody's on their own. Millie explains that the night before, they had all stayed up talking about airports, and they've decided that they want to take a train to the Munich airport instead of heading for Salzburg, because Munich is a "bigger hub." I can see that argument if you needed to fly to either a faraway destination or a smaller city, but I'm not sure I'd spend the time skipping to one big hub to get to another big hub like Paris. Of course, I have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. Or, as my friend the Suriname Scientist's father would say, "50/50 hindsight."
4:57 AM. David and Jeff ("Whooo?"). Jeff voices over as they run from the mat that he and David expected their physical power to be helpful during the race, but it's turned out to be a hindrance, because they "need to put more emphasis on the mental part." Apparently, there can be blood in the calf muscles or in the frontal lobe, but not both. They, too, have chosen to head for Munich, so I'm thinking that right now, the legs are feeling fine.
5:00 AM. Kelly and Jon. She gives a little shriek about Paris, and then she does the off-the-mat voice-over about how she's tired of Jon getting out in front of her all the time, and how he should let her participate more and take the lead more. I would understand her vehemence about that a little more easily if she hadn't so recently called Jon "retarded" for suggesting that Beethoven might have written music in more than one house. Kelly and Jon get a taxi. As they walk away from the pit stop, Kelly says, "Which airport's closer?" and Jon says, "Salzburg," so if you were, say, Millie, and you wanted to claim that Kelly and Jon hadn't thought of going to another airport until they stole the idea from you, you'd be wrong.
Back at the Attnang station that DadSteve and Josh recently vacated, ClownJon and Al and Chuck and Millie are arriving. They all look for a train to Munich.
Meanwhile, in Salzburg, Tian and Jaree have apparently reached the relevant ticket agent first, despite having come through the door after Monica and Sheree and the Chipsters. They get themselves on a flight plan that gets to Paris through Frankfurt. Just behind them are Monica and Sheree, who wind up on these same flights. The Chipsters slide up to the agent third, and Reichen is informed that the plane is full. As he explains this to us, I suddenly realize who Reichen's voice reminds me of. It reminds me of the weasel in Dirty Dancing who tries to hit on Jennifer Grey and wants Patrick Swayze to do the Pachanga. It's an imperfect comparison in terms of personality, but the voice is the same. "I just can't believe it," he mumbles miserably. No kidding. He's so pretty! His jaw is so ruggedly angular, yet so reassuringly gentle! How can this be happening to him?
Kelly and Jon and David and Jeff arrive at the Attnang station before it can be cleared of clowns and virgins, so there's a big pileup. Kelly chats with Millie and Chuck about whether they're going to Munich or Salzburg. Well within their rights, Chuck and Millie decline to say anything about their plans. Incorrectly, however, Millie voices over that she doesn't think Jon and Kelly knew about the possibility of going to Munich. Millie also explains in what I believe is actually a pre-show interview that she thinks "withholding information is totally ethical," which is right on. Kelly, however, takes offense at Millie's rebuffing of her attempt to chat. "Millie," she voices over, "didn't want anything to do with us and just blew us off." Interestingly, Kelly is really addressing Millie's attitude, not Millie's refusal to provide information, and that may be a fair criticism as well. There are, after all, different ways to decline to help people, and some of them are downright friendly, as you know if you saw Ken put the screws to Teri last season while yelling, "Sorry, kisses, love you!" Millie needs to blow more kisses, maybe. After she checks with God to see if it's okay, of course.
Kelly and BuffJon, Millie and Chuck, ClownJon and Al, and David and Jeff all hop the same train, which is on its way to Salzburg en route to Munich. BuffJon says that he had the sense that the other three teams were all "trying to give [him and Kelly] the heave-ho." No, no, the Heave-Hos were last season. Rimshot!
Josh and DadSteve are arriving at the Salzburg airport, and they note that their lead is now gone because of the decision to train it instead of cabbing it. This is clearly making Josh feel like he's living on the bottom of someone's shoe, but several other teams made exactly the same choice, so while it was probably wrong, it was hardly a mistake that could only happen to you if you were on the low end of the totem pole of smarts. Which, let's face it, isn't that tall a pole at this point anyway. DadSteve and Josh find that the first flight to Paris is full, much to their consternation.
"Sorry, Reichen! I love you, Reichen," Tian taunts as she heads toward the plane, passing the Chipsters who are still waiting at the ticket counter to see if they can get on the Frankfurt flight. Reichen stands with his head down on the counter, waiting for the lady to see if she can get them some tickets. The agent eventually appears and tells Reichen that he's "in luck," because she can get him on the flight. Note that Reichen alone appears to be responsible for these particular plane tickets, given that he's the one who comes over and hugs Chip in relief while holding the tickets. There is scattered applause as they board at what appears to be the last minute, although it's impossible to tell who's clapping. It doesn't seem likely that it would be strangers. At least, strangers never applaud for me when I get on a plane. Perhaps I'm not chiseled enough. Anyway, The Amazing Yellow Line traces the route from Salzburg to Frankfurt.
6:04 AM. AirSteve and Dave, bringing up the rear. As usual, they read their clue and chuckle as if to say, "I can't believe they expect us to do this." Which was cute for a leg or two, but has now become totally old. Dave explains in their off-the-mat voice-over that the key to winning is not making mistakes. He and AirSteve don't make mistakes, because as air traffic controllers, you can't afford to. Apparently, they're not counting the two wrong trains they got on last week, the time they waited to poach a taxi that never came, or walking on the moving sidewalk. Come to think of it, if they direct air traffic the way they race, I think I might look for cities other than Chicago through which I can connect, thank you very much. I'm not really looking to add "midair collision" to my list of life experiences. Oh, and they decide to take a train to Salzburg, so there's another reason to take that layover in Houston.
Speaking of Salzburg, when Kelly and BuffJon get off the train, they notice that everyone else stayed on, heading for Munich. "Let's go, we're on our own," Kelly says.
DadSteve and Josh manage to get themselves on a SwissAir flight out of Salzburg at 6:55, arriving in Paris at 11:25. Josh beats himself up some more, telling us that he was "being a big dumb-ass." On the one hand, he was. On the other hand, it happens. Hell, it happened to more than half of the teams on this leg, as far as making the wrong choice about finding an airport. He and DadSteve toe-touch Zurich on the way to Paris, according to the AYL, which sends its parents a postcard telling them that it's having a great summer vacation in Europe, and hasn't even broken a sweat in weeks.
Dave and AirSteve meet up with Kelly and BuffJon at the Salzburg airport. They confer a little. Kelly tells them that she and Jon are on the 10:15 to Zurich -- hours behind Josh and DadSteve -- and then on to Paris. She voices over, quite understandably, that she wanted AirSteve and Dave to take the same flight she and Jon had, because that way, she'd know they weren't the only people on it and weren't alone in last place. When the conversation breaks up, she quietly comments to Jon that she thinks AirSteve and Dave are "so nice" that she doesn't want to go against them for last place. "Millie the Mole, that's who I wanted to beat," she snaps, as we are fed an extreme close-up of Millie's lip and its...well, mole. Kelly goes on to say that Millie is "like one of those little cheerleaders in high school that I used to throw spitwads in their hair while they were out there cheerin'. She's too...happy." Although I sort of agree that Millie's version of freshly-scrubbed pluck has just about worn out its welcome, if anyone in this scene makes me think of a cheerleader who might have a spitwad coming to her, it's Kelly, with her crossed arms and her little pout. When you resort to picking on the mole, you know you're scraping the bottom of the comedy barrel, there, Kel.
In Frankfurt, the lead teams -- Tian and Jaree, the Chipsters, and the Falconettes -- land. It appears to be a fairly tight connection in Frankfurt for the flight to Paris. When the Chipsters -- who, for some reason, chirp, "Buongiorno!" while boarding a flight from Germany to France -- board for the second leg, however, the friendly flight attendant directs them to their seats up front, in business class. D'oh! In case you're new to the show, the racers can't fly business class. It doesn't matter where you sit -- if you can get the airline to let you sit up front even though your ticket says coach, that's fine, and teams have done it. But you cannot fly on business class tickets. "You booked us business," Chip mutters coldly. They miserably get off the plane, begging the gate agent to hold the plane while they go back and see if they can somehow negotiate coach tickets for the flight. Rather pitifully and hilariously, the Chipsters moan, "Please, oh please, oh please," as they trail the gate agent back up the jetway, and she completely blows them off. "No," she tells them. No, no, no. The flight is closed. No. Please? Oh, please, please? No. So off go Tian and Jaree and the Falconettes in the direction of Paris. (Please?) (No.) "I can't believe this is happening," Reichen moans. Again.
Commercials. Hey, buy an SUV. You may wind up looking as stupid as this guy. Though it's unlikely.
At 8:45, planes frantically frolic outside the Frankfurt airport, as Chip and Reichen fret photogenically inside. They only wind up losing an hour, however, as they make it onto a flight that leaves Frankfurt for Paris at 9:50. So that little delay didn't exactly hurt them a whole lot -- it was just very, very funny.
Elsewhere, in Munich, some clowns, some virgins, and some guys named "David" and "Jeff" climb onto a plane that leaves Munich for Paris at 10:40. Boy, I'm sure glad Millie's crew put their heads together last night and figured out this very brilliant airport plan ahead of time. After all, only about half of the other teams did better than they did.
Back in Salzburg, ominous music reminds us that doom has settled. Jon and Kelly are still waiting. He voices over that they know that they and AirSteve and Dave are the last two teams right now, and it's not a good feeling. In an interview, Kelly claims that she and Jon are very impressed by the "BFGs -- Big Fat Guys." Normally, I would hold that nickname against her, both for ignorance and for lameness, but Dave and AirSteve have certainly brought it on themselves, if they didn't actually give that name to themselves. So just this once, there will be no mandatory one-tenth deduction. Kelly thinks it's amazing that AirSteve and Dave have gotten as far as they have. Dave's knee: "Word." These trailing teams take off for Zurich.
Hey, it's Eiffel Tower shotune! And the Arc de Triomphe! This must be Paris! And here comes the plane carrying the Falconettes and Tian and Jaree. The four ask for the quickest way to Le Mans, and are directed into the city to find the Montparnasse train station. The train is at noon, so they're in pretty good shape. The Falconettes are quicker getting out of the airport and into a taxi, so Tian and Jaree are left behind. As Monica says, they're "lollygagging." And you know what that makes them? Lollygaggers! God, I love that movie. Anyway, when the Falconettes get to Montparnasse, they find that contrary to the earlier advice that the train is at noon, there's a train at 11:05, and they can just make it. Ah, any day is a good race day when we learn once again, "When in doubt, step on it, nimrod." I increasingly have a feeling that if Monica and Sheree didn't talk about football players anymore and stopped with the matching outfits, I might kinda like them.
, Chip and Reichen join Paris's considerable Chipster population, and they are advised at the airport that the cab ride to Montparnasse is about forty-five minutes. They grab a cab and go. In the cab, Reichen frets over whether they'll make the noon train, and Chip assures him that they will, patting him on the knee just like you would any twelve-year-old. Chip voices over that Reichen was still mad about having screwed up the plane tickets. Chip does not mention out loud the decision he apparently made at this point that he needed to even the score, in terms of bonehead maneuvers, by the end of the day.
The Chipsters and the Backpack Bickersons both make the noon train out of Montparnasse. The Chipsters are tickled to have caught up. "I can't believe it," Reichen says, again. Both in joy and in sorrow, Reichen certainly does suffer from a chronic credulity deficiency. In an interview, Reichen smirks that they wound up on the same train as Tian and Jaree. Yes, we get it. Shut up, Chipster.
At Le Mans, here are the Falconettes, who quickly get a cab to the racetrack. All alone in first place, they run to the clue box. Roadblock. The clue tells them that whoever takes it should "be able to fit into a tight space." The more petite Monica takes it. The Exposition Hands are accompanied by quite the frenetic explosion of drums as they rip the Roadblock clue open so that Phil can explain it. Phil, by the way, is now wearing a red turtleneck and a white pullover with a zippered neckline. If the pullover weren't white, I might be in favor of it, but as it is, he looks dorky, and it makes his head look huge. I have a feeling it's supposed to feel Le Mans-ian, but the combination of red and white somehow reminds me of a jogging suit from the '70s. I don't really want to be reminded of Old Biff from Back to the Future when I'm looking at Phil. As it turns out, the Roadblock involves changing four tires on a racecar, and then letting a driver take you on a lap around the track. I'm glad they at least added the tire-changing part, because I generally hate those Roadblocks where they just lash you to something and let physics have its way with you. "One person may perform" is not, after all, synonymous with "one person may act as ballast."
Monica wiggles into a black jumpsuit so she can start working on the tires. It's a fairly intimidating task, what with the giant hydraulic wrench thingy (I'm calling it a hydraulic wrench thingy...do not email me) that you have to wield in order to remove the old tire. You also have to transport the tires down the track a little ways to the car, so that's actually the first order of business. Monica says that she's never changed a tire in her life, and I am forced to admit that although I am capable of changing my own tires, I do try to avoid it. As she struggles with the tires and then with the hydraulic wrench thingy, Monica voices over that she could feel herself losing the lead as she hassled with the tires.
Elsewhere, DadSteve and Josh land in Paris, followed closely by David and Jeff and the clowns and virgins (also known as the Ringling Brothers But Not Tingling Others Alliance).
Back at the track, Monica finally figures out how to wield the big wrench, and then things pick up considerably. She says that her fear of losing the lead gave her a burst of energy, which is a very good sign. When the tires are changed, she tucks herself into the little car and takes off. Vroom vroom, around the track! Monica points out that she almost lost an arm when she tried to wave to Sheree in the middle of the ride, not remembering that at a couple hundred miles an hour, the wind will snap a limb clean off you, and you'll be joyfully waving your bloody stump as you cross the finish line. The ride ends, the ladies hug, and it's time to get moving. The clue tells them to choose a marked car and drive to what Sheree pronounces "Marcels." Phil comes in to do what I always find the funniest sort of Phil-over, which is the one where his entire purpose is correcting a team's pronunciation of a place name during the rip-read. He explains that in fact, they have to travel to Marseilles, about a 550-mile drive, in one of the silver station wagons that's sitting outside the track. When they get to Marseilles, they'll drive through a particular gated port and find their way to a lighthouse, where the clue will be located. In their car, the Falconettes are happy to be out ahead of the pack.
At 12:57 PM, the Tian/Jaree/Chipsters train makes it to Le Mans. A low-speed taxi race ensues as they head for the racetrack. The girls get to the clue box just slightly ahead of Chip, who almost flattens them in his enthusiasm. Jaree knows that Tian is into this car thing, so she encourages her to take the Roadblock, while Chip takes it for the Chipsters. He voices over that Tian is generally pretty quick, so he felt pressured to beat her. Tian, in turn, voices over that she "wants to prove how strong women can be." Ugh. Show, don't tell. Reichen, watching, smugly smirks that he thinks Chip can beat Tian, but Tian is "a little daredevil." My, how adorably condescending. I may not be a Tian fan, but she could start that "show" thing by putting her boot right up Reichen's know-it-all ass, and when you heard the loud cheering, it would be me in the front row with my little bag of popcorn. Tian and Chip are both pretty handy with the drill (heh), and they take off very close together for their speed laps. Jaree and Reichen cheer obligingly, not having much else to do. When he has gotten out of the car, Chip says a little too happily that this racing bit was "a dream come true." He's just...I don't know. Weird or something. It's like everything he does is cranked up a couple of notches -- he overenunciates, he gets overly self-righteous, he gets overly excited...he's like a radio with the volume cranked too high. Also? Runs like a girl. Just saying.
At 2:05 PM, here come AirSteve and Dave and Kelly and BuffJon, getting off their flight in Paris. Kelly is grumpy and unpleasant some more about the fact that Jon isn't listening to her. I have to say, I don't have much use for Jon, but I can't think of a way that's less effective at getting a guy to listen to you than whining in that particular fashion. Settled into the saddle of her high horse now, Kelly says to him, "Can I do the Roadblock?" "If you feel comfortable...," he starts to say. "Can I do the Roadblock?" she repeats. "Yes," he says. She thanks him and stomps off. That's just stupid. While I can see deciding about Roadblocks in advance in the case of teams where the partners' strengths and weaknesses are similar, it's stupid when that's not the case. If this Roadblock turns out to be peeing for distance, she's going to feel pretty silly. The two trailing teams board the train for Le Mans.
At the track, Millie and Chuck are pulling the clue, and she says, "I can't breathe. You should." Having dumped this task off on him, she now frets that he's too slow. Millie voices over that sometimes Chuck is overly "methodical," which makes him slow. "Oh, my gosh," she moans, apparently complaining about the progress he's not making, though it's admittedly hard to tell. ClownJon, on the other hand, is now making like a speed demon with the wrench, and he's off on his ride in no time. Once Chuck finishes the Millie Man March around all four of the tires and gets strapped into the car, he almost immediately has to ask to be unbuckled so he can get out again. As he explains it, Chuck suffers from periodic bouts of claustrophobia, and this "freaked [him] out." It's funny -- you can see just how freaked out he really is, given that he actually pulls off the gloves off with his teeth when he's out of the car. Clearly, it's not just the space; it's a whole constricted thing he's feeling. Al and ClownJon finish the Roadblock while Chuck struggles, and they tear off doing their Clown Run again. Treating Chuck not at all the way he treated her during her asthma attack, Millie impatiently yells at him, "Hustle! Let's go! Come on, Chuckie!" And then Chuck, just as innocent as the day he was born, yells, "Feelin' tight! Hot and tight!" You know, sometimes I just want to kiss the editing staff right on the lips. Anyway, he goes on to apologize for the bad timing, but there's not a lot he can do. Millie complains. "Come on, Chuck, you've got to hustle, you've got to hustle," she orders. She is just not being nice. This is actually a lot like what happened to her, particularly in that he needs to relax in order to recover, and this is not helping him. I just think about the way he stood there and rubbed her back and her belly when she couldn't breathe, and it makes this scene really irksome. Getting back in the car, Chuck prays for God to help him as the driver looks on in amusement. God looks up from a cloud of lily-scented bubbles and a glass of red wine, like, "What?" Chuck finally makes his way into the teeny seat and the car takes off. He voices over during the lap that he was "freaked out" and "nervous," but he makes it. He also looks oddly cute in that really, really dweeby jumpsuit.
The Chipsters and Tian and Jaree remain on the highway going to Marseilles. Monica and Sheree, on the other hand, have opted for winding country roads. Yeah, I don't know.
We return to the track just in time to see Anonymous Jeff complete the lap and tell Anonymous David that the ride was "unbelievable." And they're off! I'll try to remember to mention it if they are never seen again, because I know you won't naturally notice. Josh and DadSteve are finishing up, too, with Josh having taken the lap.
In the clown car, Jon and Al lament the "long, long, long, long trip" to Marseilles. Wow, that was a riveting moment. I can sort of see why they turned to makeup and juggling and running funny.
Now at the track are Kelly and BuffJon. You'll recall that she's already laid claim to the Roadblock, which she reasserts by saying, "I have to do something" as they open the envelope. Having already committed to doing it, when she sees the clue about changing all the tires, Kelly starts pouting and complaining, which makes Jon chuckle at her. Honestly, he has no choice -- I'd chuckle at her too. AirSteve and Dave are right behind them, and the "tight space" clue makes them chuckle, because of course, they're both so, so fat! Get it? They're fat guys! And they have to squeeze...never mind. I'm so tired. Dave squeezes into a jumpsuit just as it starts to get dusky. As Kelly works on the tires, she notes the approaching AirSteve and Dave.
Kelly finishes first and squeezes herself into the car, as Jon comments that she's "the perfect size" for it. He thinks Dave will have trouble, though -- because he's so fat, get it? Ha ha ha! Anyway, Kelly takes off. As she circles the track, Jon takes the opportunity to share one of his more interesting theories with the camera. "This should, uh, take her stress level, kinda...like a woman's orgasm. They bitch about it, they're hard to come by, and when they finally get it, they're good for about a week." Wow -- if the engagement falls through, Jon should completely put that theory in his match.com profile. Because nothing gets a woman hotter than a guy who takes the attitude that her sexual satisfaction is his personal cross to bear. Oooh, it makes me all sweaty-like just thinkin' about it. I have a feeling that Viennese Beethoven-hunting is not the only circumstance in which Jon squints at a map while Kelly asks him to please get it in gear. Moreover, I have decided that Jon reminds me, more than anything, of a stupider, less strangely endearing Eric Nies, and that? Is not a promising place to be.
Kelly, oblivious to the humiliation that has just been visited upon her, gets out of the car and says the lap was "awesome." They take off for Marseilles. Kelly, of course, now won't need to get in a car for another week.
Chip and Reichen are in the lead heading into Marseilles, where it is now night. They find the gate for the port they're looking for, and the guy tells them that the gate is closed until 9:00 the morning. They ask him how they can make themselves first in line, and he says they can't, because they can't wait by the gate. That was their first mistake; the gate guy doesn't care about the line or the rules or who's in first, so you don't ask him that. What you ask is, "Where is the closest place where I can park my car?" You do not do what the Chipsters do and head for a hotel as soon as they tell you that you cannot sit in your car directly in front of the gate. Tian and Jaree, when they arrive, do the same thing -- check at the gate, then head for the hotel.
When David and Jeff arrive, however, they decide that they're going to stay right by the gate, and they actually park directly in front of it where Chip and Reichen were initially turned away. Monica and Sheree pull in just behind them.
DadSteve and Josh, meanwhile, continue the long trek across France, as do Kelly and BuffJon and Dave and AirSteve. I have to say, AirSteve looks pretty damn close to deceased for a guy who's driving. I think if I were in the passenger seat, I'd move the rearview mirror as close to his mouth as possible so I would notice if it stopped fogging up. AirSteve and Dave manage to make it to the Marseilles line in third place, having not only beaten BuffJon and Kelly, but passed the International Society of Clowns and Virgins (motto: "A little song, a little dance, nothing but seltzer down your pants") and DadSteve and Josh. With three cars now in front of the gate, the security guy reappears to deliver the news that they can't park there. He will allow them, however, to park on the shoulder of the exit ramp that leads to the port. See? That's much closer to what you do in this situation. DadSteve and Josh and the ISCV soon follow, so there's a line of six cars sitting on the shoulder. Kelly and Jon are still missing at this point.
The morning (oooh, time-lapse!), Tian and Jaree arrive from the hotel at the port gate. They are informed that there are now too many cars in the line on the shoulder, so they should go park and wait right by the gate, since it will be opening before long. Back in line, Jeff comments that "Tian and Jaree somehow feel privileged" to "pull up at the last minute" and jump in front of the line. Of course, he doesn't know at this point that this is what the guy told them to do. At the Tian/Jaree car, Jaree is concerned that that they're butting in line, and Tian insists that they aren't. Chip and Reichen arrive , and they immediately say that they're not waiting in line, and they drive up to the gate and talk to Tian, who tells them that she's just doing what she was told, "and if it happens to give [her] an advantage, so be it." Monica, meanwhile, looks on, muttering that you can't come up to the front after you spent the night in a hotel and expect to "lollygag" ahead of these people who spent the night sleeping wedged into their cars. Jeff proposes a gang attack on the Tian/Jaree/Chipster group, so everyone climbs out and goes up to talk to them.
Dave asks them whether they really intend to park there, because he apparently doesn't believe in butting in line at all, unless he's the one doing it. God, I hate that. Tian repeats to Dave that this is where the guy told her to park, and Dave repeats to her that he just wants to know whether she intends to stay there. Well, of course she does, dummy. "Right there is where the line is," Dave says, pointing to the cars on the shoulder. Like she cares. That "line" has no legitimacy whatsoever. Chip takes the approach of telling Dave that he "doesn't know" whether he and Reichen are staying butted in "line" or going back to accept a spot in the "line." As he walks away from them, AirSteve tells the Chipsters and Tian and Jaree to "check [their] tires" because "you never know what'll happen." You know, when I saw that on the preview, I thought he was joking, and I still think he never intended to slash their tires, but he certainly wasn't joking. He's very much pissed off, and I don't think snarling something like that as a manifestation of your anger is a very good idea.
Commercials. I suppose you could eat Total, but you could also take a vitamin and not eat anything at all, and that would taste better.
Back at the gate, everyone is furious because the Chipsters and Tian and Jaree are waiting up by the entrance instead of choosing to wait in the line that they invented. Chip tells Reichen that he wants to go back and get in line to avoid trouble, and Reichen goes along. I think Chip senses that they're starting to build up a lot of dammed-up resentment in other people, which -- deserved or not -- could wind up being both very unpleasant and potentially bad for their standing. Tian hammers at Jaree that she is not pulling back, no matter what anybody else does. "Whose team are you on?" she demands when Jaree protests a little. "I'm on our team," Jaree says carefully, "but we play fair, we don't..." "We are playing fair!" Tian insists. "We're parking where they told us to park, Jaree, that's the end of the story."
In the back of the line, Reichen is noisily bragging about how they so politely have put themselves in back of the line -- not that he had anything to do with it. DadSteve tries to offer Chip a handshake for being a good guy, and Chip turns him down. "No, no, I don't want to shake your hand, because everyone's questioning my integrity!" he shouts. Oh, please. Dial it back, there, Susan Lucci. Chip now gestures in a way that is somehow both emphatic and wimpy that he was, after all, at the gate first last night, and left only because he was driven off by the guard. Jeff, slow-talking like a surfer guy, says, "You guys think you're privileged," which you'll recall is exactly what he said about Tian and Jaree. David Spade! That's who Jeff reminds me of. Thank God, that was driving me crazy. Anyway, this goes on for a bit until Chip again goes on a "Don't question my integrity!" rampage. Up in the Tian/Jaree car, Jaree argues that the rest of the people are all going to hate them now, which is probably not a good thing.
What I love about this entire sequence is how they all disagree with each other, and yet every single person is full of shit. Tian? Wrong. Wrong because she's trying to claim that her reason for staying at the gate is that she was told to park there, when in fact her reason for staying at the gate is that she has managed to get ahead of other people, and because it's a race, she wants to stay there. She ought to just admit it, really. Chipsters? Wrong. Wrong because their being there the night before has no bearing on anything, because once you leave and go to a hotel rather than staying nearby, you've given up whatever you got for yourself by your early arrival. Jeff? Completely wrong, because it has nothing to do with feeling "privileged." It has to do with lucking into an opportunity to get ahead and taking it -- or in the Chipsters' case, not even taking it, but thinking about taking it. AirDave? Wrong, because you can't just order people to follow a line that isn't even a real line, but just a group of cars waiting near a gate, particularly when you have a history of line-butting yourself. As far as I'm concerned, it was the responsibility of the people waiting on the shoulder to guard their advantage by watching in the morning and approaching a guard as soon as it got light out, asking whether they could pull up and wait at the gate, and if he said no, asking when it would be okay to do that. Barring that? Sucks to be you.
Despite all this, as the clock turns to 9:00, we see that Tian has relented at the last minute, and has stopped at the gate to dramatically wave the other cars in ahead of her. She may or may not have been clever enough to realize that they've already done the Roadblock, and practically the only time that it would matter who runs to a lighthouse clue box first in a situation like this would be for a Roadblock, so it's very, very unlikely that it's going to matter. She claims, however, that her reason for doing it was how "crazy" the reaction of everyone else became.
When the teams go through the gate, they're given a map to the lighthouse, because finding it actually requires some navigation. They cross a bridge, and Jon and Kelly continue bickering in the car, while Josh and DadSteve ask someone for directions. Tian, trying the classic method of speaking in a English with a funny accent and seeing whether it makes it easier for people to understand her, tries to get directions from a guy in a truck. Surprisingly, the first team to the lighthouse is Jon and Kelly. She initially doubts that they're in the right place, because she sees no other cars, but he exasperatedly says, "How many times have I got to prove you wrong?" as they ascend to the clue box. She apologizes in a way that she thinks is adorable and I think is insufferable. When you keep screwing up in the same way, continually apologizing is better than not doing anything, but it runs a distant second to knocking it off. The clue tells them to drive themselves to a marked parking lot at Gorges du Blavet, which Phil explains (and the cameramen drunkenly demonstrate) is a sort of woodsy mountainous area about ninety miles away. There, they'll find the clue.
The virginless clowns, David and Jeff, Monica and Sheree, and Chip and Reichen arrive at the lighthouse. Millie and Chuck are lagging behind a little, and pass Jon and Kelly on the way out. Kelly resolves to mislead Millie, so when the teams pass, she sticks her head out the window and acts confused, and then she cackles happily at her "fake-out." Yeah, I'm sure Millie was very confused. "Did you see Kelly acting like she was looking for it?" Chuck asks Millie. "She is so catty," Millie mutters. Interestingly, Kelly and Millie are locked in one of those battles that happens from time to time where they have each other dead to rights on their major complaints, which is why they can't stop pulling each other's hair, figuratively speaking. Millie and Chuck run into AirSteve and Dave at the lighthouse.
As Kelly and Jon are leaving, he advises her to just pull over and let one of the other teams lead them on the route to the Gorges du Blavet. The Chipsters (whom Kelly calls the "Chippendales") are the first out, so Kelly and Jon fall in behind them. "You can go fast, honey," Chip encourages. "Lose 'em." Oh, and David and Jeff are driving, too.
Last to the lighthouse are DadSteve and Josh and Tian and Jaree, all of whom I think just got lost driving around looking for it. Unsure of where to go, Tian and Jaree want to get to a nearby information center, but Jaree (who's driving) has a hard time figuring out how to actually get there, even though she can see it. Ooh, I hate that. That happens to me all the time. Tian mutters to "follow the signs," but Jaree points out that there are no signs. "This is not like America, Jack." Apparently, she has never tried to make her way out of downtown Minneapolis, or she would know that in some parts of America, there are also no signs.
In an exchange that's more than a little painful, Josh asks DadSteve from the back seat to let him drive for a while, and DadSteve asks what's the difference. "You've seen how bad I am with the freakin' map," Josh says miserably. Oh, ouch. Come on, Josh, buck up. I wonder if he still thinks that this is his fault because of the train. Because if he does? It's not. The overnight bunch at the lighthouse and the scrambled way in which the teams escaped it makes the train thing really, really not relevant. Not Josh's fault -- at least, not for that.
Kelly helps BuffJon by saying, "Go straight, babe," and then calls that her "contribution of the day." I'm sorry, dear, but you can't have both the routine where you demand not to be treated like a baby and the routine where you act like one. If you sink comfortably into your helplessness, be prepared for a nice long soak. Chip and Reichen, Monica and Sheree, and David and Jeff are all driving close together, with Monica blowing kisses to the Chipsters and David referring to the Chipsters as "Viper and Goose," which is sort of weakly funny, but not really. They've almost found a joke, but it's very unformed, and they don't seem to know what to do with it. ["I was so pleased that that showed a flutter of personality, I didn't realize until later that they'd flubbed the punchline. 'Maverick,' dude! It's on TNT, like, every weekend!" -- Sars]
Josh and DadSteve, still having trouble on the way to the mountains, are really wishing now that they spoke a little French. Tian and Jaree, meanwhile, hop out at a police station (passing up the McDonald's door) to ask for directions. Tian prances very weirdly into the station like a ballerina who needs to use the potty, while Jaree philosophizes in the car that all it takes to screw yourself is "one wrong move." You said it, sister.
The Chipsters are on a winding road, and are reviewing the clue, which says to drive to a "marked parking lot." Chip decides that a little red-and-yellow flag to the road is what they're looking for, despite the fact that there is absolutely no parking lot. It looks like they're literally parked along the road, in a way that they'd have to put their hazard lights on. David and Jeff, on the other hand, have found the marked parking lot and parked their car. Of course, it can't last, this being-in-the-right-place thing that David and Jeff are doing.
Kelly and BuffJon find the lot . "That's gotta be it," he says. Kelly spots David and Jeff, calling them "the goats." Presumably because of the facial hair, although it might be that she can't remember their names either. Just behind are Al and ClownJon, who have shaken the virgins but good.
Chip and Reichen go hopping down a steep path that leads away from the road near the spot where they parked their car. "That's not a parking lot," Reichen protests, but Chip doesn't listen. Chip has determined that a path to a flag is good enough for him, parking lot or no parking lot, so that's what they're doing. They walk. And they walk. And they walk.
Josh and DadSteve have apparently gotten going in the wrong direction, because DadSteve is encouraging Josh -- who's driving -- to find a way to "loop around." Josh, exasperated, insists that they can't make a U-turn because of the metal barricade across the median. I understand what he's saying, but I "loop around" on highways all the time, and it doesn't require a U-turn. You get off the road and get back on. Josh, however, insists that it's not possible. Josh has this season's first documented case of Killer Fatigue.
Reichen and Chip have now gone so far down The Path of Not! that they're crossing a little stream. Maybe they'll get out some sandwiches and have a picnic. It's a pleasant enough place for a wild goose chase.
At the end of the actual correct path, David and Jeff are the first to open the clue. Predictably, this is the Detour. A still white-sweatered Phil explains the concept of the Detour, and then tells us that this week's choice is Ropes or Slopes. A classic Reckless/Chicken, this Detour involves either a rappel down a cliff or a very long and winding hike. David and Jeff, the clowns, and Kelly and BuffJon all quickly choose Ropes. Jeff rappels. Jon rappels. Interestingly enough, he calls it "scary," which surprises me, coming from a guy who serves as a professional projectile in his normal life. David rappels. Al rappels, asking Jon to please shut it with the advice. Kelly rappels, looking down just as she voices over about how you shouldn't look down. Jon rappels.
David and Jeff, repeating a pattern that's becoming a little familiar for them, run right past the clue box and continue down the hill farther than they need to. The camera actually pans from them running down the hill over to the clue box they just missed. Nice. Al and ClownJon originally miss the box as well, but only by a little, and they catch the mistake immediately. As they pull the clue, Phil explains that it directs them to hike back up to their cars, then drive to the pit stop, which is a mansion about 150 miles away called the Chateau des Alpilles. As Phil explains, the last one to the mat gets the boot. The Amazing Mat looks very menacing this week, accompanied as it is by the rumbling and crashing of The Philimination Timpani.
Al and ClownJon scamper away from the clue box just as BuffJon and Kelly approach. I think they actually reuse the footage here of David and Jeff cluelessly missing the box, because I don't think they missed it twice. If they did, I think that would make this the biggest week for pure idiocy in race history.
Elsewhere, Chip and Reichen continue to sink deep into the heart of the forest. Hee hee. Chip starts to ask Reichen what he wants to do. Does he want to go back up? "No! I don't want to run back up," Reichen says in disgust, as if now that they've committed to this trail, they are going to follow it for the rest of their lives, even if it never leads anywhere and they are never seen again and their cameramen eventually desert them and they turn into bleached bones and wind up making a tasty meal for a French bear.
In fourth place are Chuck and Millie, while in fifth place are Monica and Sheree, who slipped a little in the navigation here. Both of these teams choose Ropes when they reach the Detour.
Chip and Reichen continue debating. Chip is desperately trying to get Reichen to make the decision to turn back, but when Reichen won't, Chip eventually says, "Let's go back up, let's not waste any more time." It's a hard life for a Chipster.
Commercials. Okay, seriously? Dove shampoo is really good. I'm just saying. Just an opinion from me to you.
Chuck is rappelling, while at the bottom, Millie yells up, "Chuck! What's taking so long?" Seriously, Millie, shut up. Shut. Up. That is not cute, it is not funny, and it is not spunky. It is rude and unsupportive, and I'm beginning to think your boyfriend is just plain too good for you.
Chip and Reichen finally turn back and walk up toward their car. Reichen stomps, fumes, and generally makes it known how incredibly put out he is. Chip, having learned the wrong lesson entirely, voices over that what he got from this experience was that he should always stop and listen to Reichen, whose instincts are "usually right." Yeah, his instincts did you a fat lot of good with those business class tickets. The issue isn't consulting Reichen -- the issue is reading the damn clue, which these guys have failed to do repeatedly now.
Tian and Jaree are apparently hopelessly lost on the way to the gorge, because Tian says that they should just go for the Fast Forward. Jaree agrees. Phil explains about the Fast Forward, and tells us that in this case, it involves going to a museum and assembling a big wall puzzle of the pit stop. Not a very interesting Fast Forward, but it beats a meat pie, I suppose. "I do not want to be eliminated," Jaree says as they drive off in search of the puzzle.
Monica and Sheree pray before rappelling. Somehow, praying not to splatter on a rock doesn't bother me as much as praying to make a flight or to complete a task quickly, so this one is fine. Reducing your risk of death is appropriate prayer material -- just as it would justify getting Mom out of the tub, so you can see that it all works out. The Falconettes tackle the rappel, with Monica praying the whole time. God, of course, is also a Race fan, and is going, "Hurry up, hurry up!" the entire time. Incidentally, in Heaven, they show the first season in a continuous loop on a big screen in a bar where all the drinks are free.
Jon and Kelly, holding hands, pass ClownJon and Al on the hike up to the cars, so they're first out of the Detour. They high-five. Meanwhile, David and Jeff have returned all the way to the top of the hill, still wearing their red helmets, to take another shot at finding the clue box. They are sad that they haven't found it yet.
Tian and Jaree muddle their way to the Fast Forward museum, despite looking kind of lost and confused. They get inside, find the puzzle pieces, and work on assembling it. "How do we make a picture of something we've never seen before?" Tian complains. Of course, the pieces are huge -- there are only twenty -- and it's a picture of a house, so it's not that hard to do. Not that this slows the complaining.
The Falconettes complete the Detour. Glad to be alive, they make their way to the clue box, where they just about run into Millie and Chuck and David and Jeff, all of whom are just arriving.
Drums! Drums! Tian and Jaree work on the puzzle! Drums! When they finish it, Tian, all giggly, takes the Fast Forward clue from a guy who looks only too happy to hand it to her. They take off in the direction of the Chateau.
AirSteve and Dave take the rappel. And what is that an opportunity for? Fat jokes! Lots and lots of fat jokes! Just write a few of your own. They're as funny as AirSteve and Dave's, I guarantee you. Elsewhere, Reichen and Chip arrive at the marked parking lot, having doubled back from their long, long sojourn of stupidity. Reichen instructs Chip that they're doing the rappel. They complete it, and the ensuing hike, so quickly that they pass AirSteve and Dave.
At the pit stop, a tree branch breaks off and lands threateningly on the ground. The Chateau's liability insurer takes a swig off his bottle of brandy. Phil waits at the mat with a mild-looking greeter. Here come Tian and Jaree, fresh from the Fast Forward, and they run up and step on the mat, noting that the Chateau does indeed look just like the puzzle. Welcome, Tian and Jaree, you are team number one. They are happy.
Kelly and BuffJon are having a little trouble navigating to the pit stop. They stop and ask a couple of people, both of whom point and say, "La, la." Rather than assuming that this means "there" in French (or can mean "there," idiomatically), which is what I assumed in spite of my absolute lack of French skills, Jon seems to assume that the people were nutty. "The French are idiots." Man, I'm starting to regret bitching about that twee little "impromptu diplomats" remark so long ago. I could go for a few impromptu diplomats at this point.
The International Society of Clowns and Virgins has been reunited as Millie and Chuck follow Al and ClownJon on the road to the pit stop. The four of them run up to the mat, and Phil actually puts his hands out -- which, as far as I know, is a new defensive maneuver for him -- so that ClownJon doesn't hurl himself into Phil's arms. These teams have tied for second place. Man, can't we do something to get rid of Millie? She is so wearing on me, and she did practically everything on this entire leg wrong, and yet here she is. Bothering me. Go away, Millie.
to the mat are an enthusiastic Monica and Sheree. Welcome, Falconettes, you are team number four.
Kelly and BuffJon explain that they got a bum steer to the chateau, which wound up costing them about half an hour. With the teams pretty tightly crammed together, this was -- as BuffJon says -- "all the other teams needed."
Welcome, Chipsters, you are team number five. Oh, ew. Can't we be rid of them, too? The teams I don't like seem destined to have long lives. Welcome, Team Whoooo?, you are team number six.
More of Kelly and BuffJon's hapless driving. More of AirSteve and Dave's hapless driving. Interestingly, after several opportunities for shuffling, these teams that wound up sitting in last place in the Salzburg airport are together again, trailing again. Someone runs up the road to the pit stop, and it's...Jon and Kelly. Welcome, Jon and Kelly, you are team number seven. "Hyeeeaannnh," Jon says unhappily. They are not good navigators, and I fear that is a bad sign.
Here come AirSteve and Dave, ambling up to the pit stop, undoubtedly convinced of their doom as usual. Welcome, AirSteve and Dave, you are team number eight. Wait, they're not Philminated! Then who is?
Ohhhh, right. Josh and DadSteve, who are back at the rappel even as it starts to get dark. I have no idea what happened to them, but they apparently got extremely lost somewhere, either before the lighthouse or between the lighthouse and the mountain. Perhaps both. Josh voices over that his dad is his hero, and "an outstanding guy." DadSteve -- very much to his credit, I think -- says that he specifically came on the show wanting not to be too controlling, because he knew that Josh wanted to come in order to prove something to him, so he wanted to make sure he gave Josh an opportunity to prove it. I think that's actually quite astute, and is a very good read of Josh. They run up to the pit stop, and they are Philiminated, but they look to be all right. "He's a good kid," DadSteve says, putting his arm around Josh. Josh, suddenly looking impossibly young, says, "He got us through a lot." Josh talks in an interview about how much he learned from the race, and how it made him see things differently, and how you see your partner differently -- hey, I'm psychic. I said that last week. Josh says on the mat that he would have liked to go further, but he feels good about what they did. Josh and DadSteve hug. Aw. That was weird, with the way they vanished, and the way we didn't really find out what happened to them, but it was a nice ending for them. I have a feeling Josh is the kid I would have hated in high school but liked a lot better at the reunion. Possibly.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Chuck and Millie bicker, but don't worry -- they could go twelve years without getting to the point. Jaree and Tian fight, again, some more. A pile of animal poop is involved. Of course, that assumes that the things that appear to happen in the preview will actually happen on the show, and that is never a safe assumption.