Previously on Venice Denial-o: Being pretty continued to be a real hardship for Chip and Reichen, so they tried to make up in childish door-handle-clinging what they lacked in social skills. Russell called Cindy a dumb-ass, so no surprises there. Tian beat the dead horse of Jaree's incompetence until she developed blisters. The mask-matching Roadblock spelled trouble for a reluctant Monica, a pushy Millie, and a just plain befuddled Chris. Eventually, Monica and Sheree just eked out a victory over Amanda and Chris, who got home just in time to wash their mouths out with soap. "Who will be eliminated..." Martha Stewart invents the crocheted license plate cozy. "...tonight?"
Credits. This Week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance Of TiVo: Just before reaching her mother's arms, Sheree's daughter turns into a football. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Oh, God. It's Big Brother 4.
Venice! Venice! Venice! Oh, and in case you're not feeling European enough, listen to this accordion thingy! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we find ourselves in scenic Venice as this evening's adventures begin. Phil calls it "the romantic heart of Europe," just as an enormous flock of disease-ridden pigeons swarms a smattering of unsuspecting tourists, while just off-camera, a representative of the Venice Tourism Bureau runs by with a big butterfly net. Phil strolls by the water -- well, some of the water, because Venice has a lot, as you may or may not know -- explaining that this Venetian lagoon was the second pit stop on this big race they're having, where at the end, if you win, you get money. Our Eat, Sleep, and Mingle segment reveals that the teams showed some of what is turning out to be a typical cavalier attitude toward mess-making as Jon and Al lead a mealtime food fight. Fun? Yes. But probably not for the peons who have to clean up. Phil wonders whether Steve and Dave, who took the Fast Forward to rest their weary joints, will be able to stay in the lead. Just as Phil asks this question, Dave heartily bites into a big sandwich, all, "Step off, Captain Eyebrow." And will Cindy get any respect from Russell? (That one is a rhetorical question, pretty much.)
2:45 AM. AirSteve and Dave. The clue tells them to travel by train to Vienna, Austria. (Not Vienna, Virginia. The FBI lives near there, and they don't like to be disturbed.) Much drunken careening around train stations and tracks follows as Phil explains that this will be about a three-hundred-mile trip. Contrary to what the camera work suggests, though, I don't think they have to drop directly into the middle of the city from a blimp. When they get to Vienna, they'll have to find a marker that will take them down into what the captions label the "Historic Sewers of Vienna." Man, four seasons and this is the second time they've sent people down into the sewers. Somebody in the Race production offices has some strange taste in accommodations or really enjoys seeing Racers come face-to-face with fetid water. AirSteve voices over that Dave's knee is still bothering him, as they walk from the mat toward the train station. When they're at the station, they don't immediately see a train in the direction of Vienna, so they ask a local guy whether it would help to go to Verona, which has a bigger train station and might be a better travel hub. The guy tells them that in fact, he "thinks" that he's seen trains going to Vienna from Padua. Interestingly, AirSteve and Dave don't seem to check this out at all; they take this guy at his word, pretty much. After all, no big hurry. ["At this juncture, I commented that if someone approached me at Toronto's Union Station and asked me how to get from there to anywhere other than St. Catharines, I would have no bloody idea, to which Glark replied that this dude AirSteve and Dave were talking to didn't seem much more confident in his advice than I would have been." -- Wing Chun] AirSteve explains in a voice-over that they thought that hustling to get out in a creative way was the only way to hang on to their lead and not get bunched. (Though he calls it "grouping up." Who ever heard of "grouping up," pshaw!) Dave and AirSteve board a train from Venice to Padua.
At 5:20 AM, Chip and Reichen take off. In one of those great moments when you realize that a guy has no concept whatsoever how he's going to come across, Reichen says that people think they're arrogant, but they're really not arrogant: "We don't want to come across arrogant, we just think we're going to win." While technically, he's right that you can be confident of your ability to win without being arrogant, the way he says it sounds completely...uh, arrogant. Plus, we already know they're annoying and self-righteous from other things, so his argument is sort of going nowhere. At least with me. Shut up, Chipsters.
5:21 AM. Jon and Kelly. Those certainly are some reflective sneakers they have on. Somehow, I'm not sure you need to guard against being hit by a car that doesn't see you when you're being constantly followed by four-thousand-watt TV lights and a camera, but I guess there's no harm in the old "safety first" attitude. Kelly voices over as she and Jon leave that she was originally in the race for Jon, but now she's in it for herself. She says that she's sick of being "2% of this team," and she wants to be 50%. She takes the position that the race is a good opportunity for Jon to learn that the marriage will have to be fifty-fifty. I would actually think that you wouldn't want to decide to marry the guy until you were confident that he got the fifty-fifty thing. That would be on my list of Things To Do Before Getting Engaged. But, you know, I have been known to play it conservative.
5:22 AM. Tian and Jaree. They mention that the teams are getting get $480 for the leg. Perhaps one of the tasks will be shopping for electronic equipment. As they climb the steps away from the boat, Tian voices over that she and Jaree are not getting along very well right now because of the race. I would say they're not getting along very well right now because Tian keeps acting like the most disappointed mother at the Miss Teen Florida pageant, but I could be wrong. Tian says that she feels that she's making sacrifices and Jaree isn't. This is the opening of what will be Tian's theme for the entire leg, which is Look How Bad My Partner Sucks The Bag. Jaree voices over that Tian blames her for everything bad that happens, and that while Tian may be in better shape, Jaree is "giving it [her] best."
5:23 AM. David and Jeff. (Who?) David explains that he and Jeff have been friends for "about seven and a half years." Wait, who uses half years in talking about adult friendships? The only people who use half years are children under eight when they tell you how old they are. David says that they're getting along great, and then they start running, but I miss the rest of their scene, because I've passed out from ennui. I think Jeff says something really perceptive about how he and David are trying not to get eliminated. Seriously, Rob and Brennan were acrobat-comedian- magician-contortionist-tapdancers compared to these guys. The other thing I think is funny is that Jeff and David were apparently supposed to be the hotties or something, and they are such complete dweebs I cannot tell you. Look at David, running down the alley in his black sweatpants and white sneakers! He is your seventh-grade gym teacher! You will climb the rope! You will take the Presidential Fitness Test! You will take showers in public! Eesh.
5:24 AM. Al and ClownJon. You will not believe this, but Al starts things off by telling us that he and Jon are both clowns. Are they literally going to tell us that at the beginning of every episode? He says that they intend to be the guys who can be "fun guys" but are then serious about the race. Pardon me while I sit over here and do my personal salute to Yawning Clowns. I think I have promise as a professional, based solely on how convincing I am finding myself.
5:25 AM. Russell and Cindy. Cindy says (this will shock you) that spending twenty-four hours a day together has created "tension" between her and Russell. She says she thought they were great partners for three years, and it's taken all of four or five days to make her go, "Yuck." I'm sorry, she's been putting up with this asshole for three years? Wow, there goes my sympathy for her. Cindy and Russell get a water taxi.
5:26 AM. Chuck and Millie. They count their money and leave the mat. Chuck voices over that the first few days of the race have made him neither more nor less inclined to get married. Chuck is so ambivalence's bitch. He says that it has suggested to him that they can work together. "I can't wait for Chuck forever," Millie voices over. I wish I understood how she can be such an aggressive person in every other way and yet not be willing to take responsibility for the direction of her relationship. Again, I refuse to believe this dynamic is as it appears. Who would marry a guy who took twelve years to decide he was prepared to commit to you? That seems like an intrinsically horrible idea.
5:27 AM. Josh and DadSteve. Continuing this week's theme of Hash and Rehash, Josh tells us that for most of his life, he and his dad haven't gotten along, but on the race, they're "working on it." I don't want you to get the impression that Josh bugs me any less than he always has, but I'll say this: Of all the relationships they do on this show, I think I enjoy the parent-child relationships the most, because they generally strike me as the ones that are the most profoundly affected by the experience. I suppose that the way you see a person as a partner in a really grueling situation like this is more unlike the way you normally view your parent or child than it is unlike the way you normally view your best friend or boyfriend, so perhaps it's just that the perspective you get on the other person is more surprising. At any rate, Josh still looks like everything he knows about love, he learned at computer camp.
5:31 AM. Monica and Sheree. Hash! Rehash! Monica says that she and Sheree are both married to professional athletes, and that for this reason, they understand that "it's not over till its over." I think there are other professions and experiences that might teach you perseverance other than professional sports, but I suppose I see her point. Contract negotiations alone require great focus and determination. Very tense music takes us out of this weird remember-the-teams sequence at long last. Because I actually already remembered the teams. But thanks.
Kelly and Jon are the first to get to what is apparently the Venice train station, but when they go to look for a train to Vienna, they don't see one. Tian and Jaree are close behind, and Jaree mutters breathlessly that everybody who lives in Venice "must be in great shape." Heh. I might point out that Jaree is a nice lesson for the numerous morons who think you can judge whether somebody is in shape or not by looking at them. Just a sidebar. Reichen and Chip are close behind, followed by David and Jeff (who?). (By the way, if at all possible, you should hear that "who?" in your head just the way Djb said it on VH1's recent 25 Greatest Rock Star Cameos, because until you have heard him explain about "Jermaine whooooo?" and "Jackson whaaaaat?," you simply have not lived. Especially since he used improvised hand puppets. Oh, yes, I'm serious.)
Tian and Jaree are first to storm the ticket counter and learn that the first train that goes to Vienna doesn't leave until 1:15 PM. That's about seven hours away, for those of you keeping score at home. Reichen then repeats this to Chip as if Chip is a particularly stupid child, and says that they "need to find a different way" to get to Vienna. The Pectoral College reunites and they ask a local whether there's a faster way to get to Vienna, and said local explains that there is: you take a train to Verona, via Innsbruck. Aw, Innsbruck! Of course, the last time teams were directed to Innsbruck, it was by that godawful puppet, so they should be glad the local guy didn't swing his cheerful hat around in circles. Damn puppet.
Elsewhere, Millie and Chuck are traveling with the clowns on the way to the train station. They finally arrive, followed by Josh and DadSteve and Russell and Cindy, and finally by Monica and Sheree. As Monica and Sheree meet up with Chip and Reichen, Monica voices over that they can all relate to each other because they're the "minorities." Hmm, seems like a rather dubious basis for an alliance to me.
Millie yells for Chuck, and when he reaches her, he discovers that she's having an asthma attack. Chuck offers her a suck off her inhaler as she voices over that she sometimes gets asthma with exercise. I'm interested in how the hell she did the mountain thing on the first leg, actually, because it seems to me that running all over an icy mountain makes jogging to the train station look like quite the leisurely stroll. At any rate, as Millie is having her attack, other teams are running for the train, because it's just about time for it to leave. Chip explains, in fact, that the Pectoral College helped Monica and Sheree make it to the train. So apparently, Chip and Reichen are serving as the bridge that warmly connects the NFL wives and the most boring men in the history of ever. Actually, if you mixed professional athletes and bland surfer dudes, Chip and Reichen are just about what you get, so that theory may not be as ridiculously far-off as it initially seems.
In the train station, however, Millie's attack continues. ClownJon helps relieve her of her bag, while Chuck continues to take care of her. She can't talk, but she mouths to Chuck to take her shirt off, and even in the middle of this really tense moment, you can't really help chuckling at that one just a little bit. Let's all go to hell together. I'll drive. Al and Jon each take an arm as Chuck peels Millie's fleece off, and we see that as this is happening, the lead teams are getting on the train to Verona. I would point out that Al and Jon were dolls to stay with her, but they really shortchange DadSteve and Josh, who are also there and also seem to have deliberately stayed behind. You can only see flashes of them, but they're there, too.
Kelly and Jon, Tian and Jaree, the Pectoral College, and Monica and Sheree get on the train to Verona.
Millie continues to suck. On her inhaler, you sicko! Grow up.
On the train, Tian is riding Jaree again about having too much stuff in her pack. It astounds me that they could be having this argument, because it seems to me that collaborative packing would be one of the things you would do before you leave. How can you not have talked all the way through this, and run around with your packs on for a while before you left, to make sure they're not too heavy? When Jaree won't do what Tian wants and throw stuff out, Tian tells Jaree to "quit, then," and Jaree -- not wanting to stand around and fight -- goes to sit elsewhere on the train and get some space, which is a very smart move. Tian, however, cannot let it go, and actually gets up and follows Jaree to where she's retreated. Jaree is sitting to Kelly, actually, which I think is funny because Kelly hasn't exactly been their best friend. Tian comes and berates Jaree some more about the pack, until Jaree finally literally puts her fingers in her ears. Normally, that's a very immature move to say the least, but when somebody literally follows you around haranguing you, there's not a lot you can do. To me, that scene has nothing to do with whether Jaree is slow, and nothing to do with whether her pack is too heavy. It has to do with how you treat people, and that's just an obnoxious, disrespectful way to talk to somebody who's supposed to be your partner or your friend. When you can make me root for the girl with her fingers in her ears who's going, "La la la," you're over the line. The Venice to Verona train, for better or for worse, is on its way.
Millie's recovery is almost complete, as Chuck voices over what good, excellent guys Al and Jon are, and I totally agree. They came off as very sincere in that scene, and they seemed to do just the right things, as far as helping a little bit but mostly letting Millie, and to a lesser degree Chuck, handle it. They're clearly very good guys. And at least nobody balanced the inhaler on his face.
Remember AirSteve and Dave and that theory they had about Padua? Yeah, that was a really bad theory. They've made it as far as Padua, and there, they learn that the only way to get to Vienna is to go back through Venice. Seriously, if they really went to Padua on that guy's say-so without checking, that's just ridiculous. You never do that. Check at least twice! Second opinions always! Dave and AirSteve are rightly concerned that they've screwed themselves royally.
Al and Jon, Chuck and Millie, Steve and Josh, and Russell and Cindy are all buying tickets on the route through Verona. As Phil explains, they wind up an hour or so behind the lead crowd. Dave and AirSteve are on yet a third train that's another hour or so behind that one. The Amazing World Map tries to explain to us what's going on, but it leaves me completely confused. There's a new Amazing Orange Line...ack! I fear change! What is this new line? What will it expect from me? Sigh. It appears, though, that AirSteve and Dave have actually caught that 1:15 direct train from Venice to Vienna that the other teams determined was going to take way too long.
Pretty buildings loom in Vienna. At 6:37 PM that evening, the lead group arrives in the city. They spot the flag and dash over to it. This is for the sewer task, you'll recall, but the hours of operation don't start until 8:00 AM. Yet again, they have been bunched. Reichen -- apparently never having seen even the parts of the race in which he has participated -- says, "I can't believe this is happening." Dude, this always happens, so you don't need to get all pinchy-faced about it. The entire group is bummed, however, about not being able to go directly into the sewers, so they need a place to take a rest. Might as well get a hotel, too, considering that they're giving you almost five hundred bucks for the leg and it appears that nobody expects you to endure anything tougher than flying Coach anymore. Meanwhile, at 8:37 PM, the second train arrives with Millie and company. As if Vienna weren't cute enough already, it starts to snow. Aww. These folks find a hotel as well. Steve and Dave arrive at 9:04 PM and find a hotel. Well, there goes the significance of all the train stuff, I guess. Hope you enjoyed it, because now it's irrelevant.
The morning, we careen around Vienna until we come to rest at the sewers, where the teams are all waiting in a big clump. The music sounds like they got it from an especially tense episode of Baretta. (Is there any other kind?) As they wait, Tian heaps scorn on everyone who didn't show up until right before the thing opened, while Millie takes another suck off her inhaler. Uh oh. Tian and Jaree are apparently first in line to go into the sewer, and Jon warns Tian that he's going to be right behind her and coming up fast. Once the guy opens the cover, everyone descends into the sewer. "It stinks like ass," says Josh, sort of getting the point of the whole "sewer" thing a little bit late. "This is disgusting," Kelly says. "Is this...potty water?" No, dear, it's ice cream. What did she think "sewer" meant? Maybe she thought it involved sewing, and the "Historic Sewers of Venice" were people who put buttons back on shirts. Jon, meanwhile, is all excited about overtaking Tian, and not too concerned about leaving Kelly behind. Sure enough, Jon and Kelly pass Tian and Jaree, and are first to emerge from the sewer and find their way across the street to the flag. ["I swear at this point I heard Jaree say something about her pack being too heavy...but maybe I just thought I did." -- Wing Chun] The Chipsters are just behind. The flag tells the teams to "choose a flagged fiacre" and direct their driver about six miles to Schonbrunn Palace. The fiacre, you see, is a horse-drawn carriage, and you claim it by grabbing a pass that's hanging from the door handle. There will be groups of three or four fiacres leaving every half-hour.
The first crowd to get to the fiacre stand are Jon and Kelly, Tian and Jaree, Chip and Reichen, and Monica and Sheree. Jon and Kelly and the Chipsters pile into the first two fiacres, and Monica and Sheree claim the third. Sheree leans over, incidentally, and actually grabs the pass on the door by which you claim the fiacre. The group to run to the stand includes Millie and Chuck, Al and ClownJon, DadSteve and Josh, and David and Jeff ("Whoooo?"). They're followed by Russell and Cindy and AirSteve and Dave. Incidentally, as Josh reads the clue, the clue makes it very clear that you claim the fiacre by snagging the pass off the door. Chip is trying to get their driver to go, but their driver is pretty much blowing him off. Meanwhile, Al and ClownJon are in line, and notice that you actually have to grab the pass for that to be your fiacre, and neither Chip and Reichen nor Kelly and Jon have done that, even though they're sitting in the carriages. ["I also thought the editing made it look as though Al and ClownJon waited for a brief moment after making this observation, in case Chip and Reichen or Kelly and Jon were just about to grab their passes, but then, when no one did, ClownJon and Al were like, 'Well, they had their chance; let's move.'" -- Wing Chun] Jon goes over and grabs the pass off the fiacre that Chip and Reichen are sitting in. HA! You snooze, you lose, pretty-boys. Chip looks utterly distressed, and at first protests, "No! No, no!," looking very much like an angry little Will Ferrell caricature of himself, while Reichen madly hunches over the clue, finally reading it for meaning. Chip and Reichen eventually notice that Al and Jon are right, and they get out. In a moment I'm sure is quite painful for BuffJon, Tian goes over and does exactly the same thing to him and Kelly. Kelly whaps Jon with the clue envelope, but honestly, she's the one who's got the information, so it looks like she's got herself to blame. As Jon reluctantly gives up the fiacre, he snots to Tian that "it's all right, because you guys are going to self-destruct today or tomorrow." Tian chuckles and assures him that they only want people to think they're going to do that. That would be funny if she weren't so on my list for her behavior all through this episode so far. A frustrated Kelly wants to mouth off to Tian, but when she starts in, no words will come out, so she finally waves her clue in frustration and walks off, trying to make "I can't think of anything to say" look like "I won't even bother." "Let's go, Tian, giddyup, baby!" Jon yells, thinking it sounds snarky. I have to say, Jon is not doing the world's best job of covering up how hot for Tian he is. I mean, I'm no Mensa member, but that one's not too hard to figure.
Monica and Sheree and Al and ClownJon are having a grand old time on the horses, and Al is wondering whether they could throw carrots in front of the horse to make it go faster. The horse is like, "Yeah, try it, greasepaint boy, and watch yourself hit the pavement so hard your floppy shoes will come out your nose."
Back at the fiacre stand, Chip and Reichen (already frustrated by not having grabbed the tag like they were supposed to) and Millie and Chuck (already frustrated by her asthma attack) are especially tense as they wait for the group of carriages. The Pectoral College hatches what I think sounds like the most dumb-ass plan since Blake tried to bribe a ticket agent with a wooden rhino: Chip and Reichen will run and try to get two tags while David and Jeff "distract" other teams. The hell? How are you going to distract them? Get them talking about politics in such detail that they'll forget about the horses? Seduce Millie? What could this possibly entail? These guys are goofy. Watching this particular alliance try to put a single coherent thought together makes me think of two words: Iwo. Jima.
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What appears to be a three-foot-tall camera guy is like, "Look! Fiacre stand! Look! Chip and Reichen's knees! Look look!" Reichen explains in an interview that they were all waiting, because the set of three fiacres were going to come for the three teams. Look! Horse feet! Look look! The clue apparently says that they can run for the fiacres as soon as they see them coming. "BUMP! BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!" says the music. At 8:57 AM, the fiacre fleet begins clip-clopping its way toward the teams. Everybody is off. Pow! As they approach the line of three carriages, Millie and Chip both head for the farthest one (dummies), realize that one's taken, and turn back for the one in the middle of the line. Reichen's body actually blocks the shot at the moment when they first collide, but it looks to me like Millie is in Chip's way as he turns around, so Chip's about to run into her anyway, but Millie turns back toward the other carriage and puts out her arm across Chip's body as if she's going to block him from getting by her. They jostle as they both run toward the carriage, but you can clearly see Millie still trying to hold her arm across Chip's stomach as he tries to pass her. And then, after he's gone by, she grabs onto his pack. That part is easier to see than the bit with the shoving earlier: you can see her hands reaching out to grab onto the pack straps, and then you can see her put her hand up and under his pack and try to shove him away from the carriage door. Everybody who watched this scene, it seems, saw it differently, but it looks to me like she's the one who made it into a shoving thing, by trying to block him with her body as he turned back, and she continued it as a shoving match as they went toward the clue. He turned back toward the other fiacre before she did, he was ahead of her on the way to the pass -- it just seems to me that he had position, so if she got shoved, it's because she tried to hold him up. What's more, Millie and Chuck get a pass on another one of the carriages anyway, so the whole thing is sort of ridiculous.
Chip breaks the news to David and Jeff that he and Reichen only grabbed one pass. I would point out that David and Jeff didn't seem to do a bang-up job of distracting anyone, so I'm not sure any of the members of the Pectoral College really held up their end of the bargain. It's kind of turning into Dumb and Dumber. Only dumber.
As Millie climbs into the carriage, she loudly says, "He's a jerk. He is such a jerk." So we can add "sore loser" to Millie's list of charms. Chip has bigger problems at the moment, though, because David ("whooo?") is unhappy with him for not grabbing the other pass for them when he said he would. ["David was perfectly capable of running for a carriage himself, so he can just shut up." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Jeff says gently and blandly that all they're going to do in the Pectoral College alliance at this point is take information, because they feel they've already given up enough. I am telling you, Jeff's soul patch is bad enough to qualify as a Superfund site. Meanwhile, as Chip gets into the fiacre, he mutters to Reichen, "We've got to be smarter about this."
Kelly yells for Jon, who apparently was able to grab the last carriage. She screams happily, and they take off. Chip, meanwhile, tells his driver that he needs to get out for a second. He goes over to talk to Millie, presumably because he heard her yelling about what a jerk he was. When she sees him, Millie sees that he's bleeding a little, and she says, "Did I do that?" "It's not your fault," he says. "It's not your fault, because --" Millie cuts off his attempt to make amends by snotting, "I wasn't even going to touch you until you slammed my head backwards, because you started the manhandling crap," which is such a crock of shit that I have to wonder whether she brought it out of the Historic Sewers of Vienna with her. "I don't want to hurt you," she says in a ridiculously superior tone, "but you did touch me first." In an interview, she admits that in fact she shoved Chip "in the heat of the moment." "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that," Chip says. Once he's gone, Millie happily giggles about the "drama." She appears to be one of those girls who thinks it's absolutely adorable when little old her acts like a huge jerk, and I hate that. Wow. She is ON THE LIST. She is at the top of the list. She is the list. I don't care whether you like people or not -- when you have a dust-up with a guy and he tries to make it right, you don't need to respond by trying to spin the hell out of it and making him feel like he beat you up. Especially when you're absolutely, utterly, totally lying -- which she was. And to think I defended her about the mask-grabbing. She's just rude and pushy and obnoxious. Boooo, Millie. ["Jesus doesn't care how big a virgin she is. He hates her now." -- Wing Chun]
First team to arrive at the palace clue box? Tian and Jaree. Heh. They grab the clue, which is this week's Detour. Phil explains that this week, you have to choose between Mozart and Beethoven. (Pause, by the way, and shed a little tear for the way that all the teams seem to pronounce "Mozart" as "Moe's Art." Sigh.) Nifty string-heavy peppy music -- which is actually based on Mozart because the music guys on this show rock so hard they need roadies -- plays in the background as we learn that in Mozart, the team has to carry a string bass (heavy!) six miles to the house where Mozart wrote The Marriage of Figaro. (Called, logically, "Figarohaus," because whatever else you can say about German, it is sensible.) Phil promises that the house is easy to find and well-known, but basses are big, and carrying them is a pain, so you'd better take a deep breath before you go. Unsurprisingly, a riff on the Fifth Symphony carries us into the explanation of Beethoven, in which you carry a portfolio of sheet music (light!) eleven miles to where Beethoven wrote...something famous called the SomethingSomethingSomething. Phil tells us that while carrying sheet music isn't hard, Beethoven had several houses, and this one is rather obscure, so it might not be easy to find.
Jaree initially wants to take the sheet music (no surprise there), but Tian wants them at least to lift the bass and see how heavy it is. They discover that with two of them, it isn't all that bad, so they choose the bass and take off. Monica and Sheree are right behind them, and choose the bass as well. are ClownJon and Al, and they choose the bass, too. And because it's the Figaro house, they of course have to give you a rousing "Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!" Ugh. Just when they were growing on me. Yuck, mugging. Oh, and also "Figaro" in this case is not the "Figaro" in "Figaro, Figaro, Figaro." And I really need to stop typing "Figaro" for at least a few paragraphs, because I have Figaro fatigue. Man, I did it again.
In a development that might wind up being important, Monica and Sheree catch up to Tian and Jaree and the four women agree to work on the task together. "It was all about girl power," Sheree explains in an interview. The four of them take off, carrying their string basses through the streets of Vienna. Hee. This show is so cool. It appears that you don't actually have to walk the bass the whole way there, because we do see them get on a train.
Back at the palace, Chuck and Millie and Chip and Reichen are arriving. When they all get there, the three guys all wind up going for the clue box at the same time and actually all pulling on the clue, like, calm down already, WaxyFace PushyPants. Both teams choose the basses, with Chuck just strapping the thing on his back and Millie apparently not feeling any obligation to participate.
When Kelly and Jon arrive, Kelly wants to carry the music because it's so much lighter, not realizing that there obviously is a disadvantage to the music, because otherwise a Detour would be a choice between two tasks, one of which has pros and one of which has cons. Jon voices over, "Like she was ever going to carry the bass anyway," which is on the one hand assy, and on the other hand true. As they walk, Kelly's pretty sure she knows where they're going (the "Beethoven Memorial"), but she says "Jon's just doubting everything." He wants to stop and look at a map; she wants to yell at him. He looks; she fumes. They encounter exactly the problem of which the clue warned: this house is obscure, and even locals they approach for help don't know what they're talking about.
Back at the palace, David and Jeff ("whoooo?") join up with Russell and Cindy (eeewwww) in carrying the bass.
Jon and Kelly are having trouble figuring out where to go, and Jon comes up with the following interesting theory. "Kelly, what if there's a few places where he wrote music?" "Are you retarded?" she responds. "How many Beethovens in the world do you think there are?" Well, that's one "idiot" and one "retarded" in situations where Kelly was wrong, so...that's gotta hurt. The Clarinet of Ironically Misguided Condescension tootles.
Josh and DadSteve -- having lost out on the carriages and been slow to the palace, I guess -- have diagnosed themselves with a bad case of Last Place and have decided to attempt the Fast Forward. They have decided, in other words, that the moment is upon them in which it is most advantageous to go for it. In this week's Fast Forward, the team has to find a ballroom at the palace and put on "formal attire." Then they have to carry a tray of full champagne glasses across a room full of waltzing couples without spilling any. Excellent. One of the best Fast Forwards ever. I only wish more than one team had attempted it.
Elsewhere, the suddenly hapless Jon and Kelly are on a train, asking whether anyone knows where the Beethoven Memorial is.
Yet elsewhere, AirSteve and Dave are on their carriage, saying that they're in last place and can't do much about it at this point. "There's nothing we can do to make our horses go any faster," AirSteve explains, and then laughs. "Except perhaps get out." Hee. When they get to the clue box, they read the Detour clue that says that "each house is between five and fifteen miles away," and they start laughing in that we're-so-doomed way.
At the Fast Forward Ballroom, Josh and DadSteve have arrived. They put on formal coats and elastic bowties. Heh. Someone needs to hit me, because Josh looks sort of cute and pathetic to me in this get-up. Among other things, this room full of people dancing is just cool to watch with all the dresses and suits and such. There's a good reason people do this sort of thing: it's gorgeous. Josh -- looking like nothing so much as your daughter's nervous prom date -- picks up a tray of glasses, while behind him, DadSteve drops a tray before he ever really has it. Oops. Hee. "Careful, Pops!" Josh calls. Josh's first foray out onto the floor, however, ends similarly, with the champagne glasses tipping like bowling pins. DadSteve comes up with a method that basically involves taking eeny-weeny steps, one at a time, across the floor, on the theory that the couples aren't likely to actually dance directly into you, which is probably true, so if you're not moving, they'll just avoid you. I cannot improve on the description offered by forum poster katesus7, who called this Fast Forward "Frogger with champagne." Hee. DadSteve finishes the trip across the floor, and then he calls back to Josh to advise him about doing it really slowly and not rushing. (Insert incredibly tacky joke here about whether DadSteve has ever given Josh that advice in any other context. And then go hide your head in shame, you tacky person, you.) Josh inches across the floor, pausing as necessary to avoid walking into a waltzing couple, and he makes it. They receive the Fast Forward. Woo! (Ahem.) Josh does this "YEEAH! YEEAH!" thing that I found very comedic. Okay, I laughed out loud. Twice now. Man, I hate when there are disturbances in The Force. (Believe me, even if you don't know what I mean, Josh does.) Phil tells us that, having won the Fast Forward, Josh and DadSteve get to trundle their bundles to the pit stop, which is at the Seeschloss Orth. And yes, even if you take the crackers out of your mouth, it's still called the Seeschloss Orth. Unsurprisingly, it's a castle, as are most pit stops these days. Gone are the days of "jungle camp" and "oasis campground," never to be seen again, I suppose. Josh and DadSteve grab a cab.
Jon and Kelly have lucked out and located a nice lady who has apparently walked them to at least somewhere where they can ask about Beethoven. As they talk to people at the tourist info counter, Kelly is forced to admit sheepishly that "Jon was right" that finding the house isn't as easy as she was thinking. He looks over her shoulder into the camera. "Double-ding," he says. It doesn't entirely make sense, but I still thought it was funny.
The Alliance Of Teams With Someone Whose Name Ends In "Ree" has found its way to the Figarohaus. If you will indulge my horrible insensitivity, I will tell you that I giggled when I saw a sign go by that said "Stephansplatz." I was completely surprised there wasn't a picture of a guy named Stephan getting hit by a bus. Anyway, the ladies are just a bit ahead of ClownJon and Al, who are feeling pretty positive about being in third place. When the clowns catch up with the alliance, they try to get some info about where the house is, but Monica and Sheree give them a bum steer. Understandable, as I've said before -- you don't owe other teams directions. Smart, in this case? Maybe not. But not unethical. Monica and Sheree and Tian and Jaree are the first teams to get into the Mozart house and show their basses to Wig Man behind the desk. I guess he's supposed to be Mozart. He gives them their clue, which tells them to find the route marker at the base of Donauturm. Phil explains that this is an 1150-foot spire overlooking the city, and when they get there, they'll get their clue. Wow, something very high? I wonder what they'll do there. The suspense is killing me.
Millie -- with her Beast of Burden behind her -- makes her way to the Mozart house. When she gets inside and confirms the location, she yells "YES!" in a voice so loud and screechy that it makes the lady behind the hospitality desk jump and throw her hands in the air. No, really. Way to continue your loud and pushy trek through Europe, there, Millie.
The Clowns are frustrated to find that the house is back where they started looking and that they apparently missed it. When they get to the house, Al and Millie do a cute little greeting through the door, and when they get inside, she greets them warmly. Well, I suppose loud people have to stick together. Chip and Reichen arrive . As they enter, Chip encounters Millie in the doorway, and very deferentially says, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" because he's got the big bass with him. She? Says nothing. I'm starting to the get the impression that she's a real snot. Inside, the Chipsters read the clue.
Kelly wonders how many stops it is on the bus before they get to the place they need. "Four or five," Jon unhappily confirms. Kelly voices over that she just didn't think it would be that hard, because "everybody's heard of Beethoven." Well, everybody's heard of Prince, too, but that doesn't mean that those of us in his hometown can take you to the store where he bought his first pair of purple underwear. Silly Kelly.
Commercials. The only thing that separates you from a career in stripping is the right skin lotion. Honest.
Kelly and Jon are lucky enough to locate a little old lady who knows a heck of a lot more about Beethoven than they do. When they get there, it's called "Beethovenhaus." See? German is your friend. Kelly says she "feels like [they're] in Munchkinland." Inside, the Wig Guy who I guess is supposed to be playing Beethoven hands them the route marker. "Nice to meet you! Like your music!" Kelly says. Heee hee. That was cute. Of course, as forum poster El Guapo pointed out, it's not like he could hear her.
The Women's Alliance arrives at the base of the spire and learns that it's a Roadblock. And what's the Roadblock? Bungee-jumping. NOT surprising. Phil tells us that Donauturm is the tallest tower jump in Europe. Pretty high, in other words, but that's a lot of qualifiers, there, Phil. On the way up to the tower, Sheree and Tian (who have chosen to the do the Roadblock) clutch hands. That was kind of sweet, actually.
to the Roadblock are Chip and Reichen, followed by the Insane/Clown posse consisting of Jon and Al and Millie and Chuck. Al and Jon agree that Jon (the human cannonball) is the most likely bungee-jumper. When Chuck and Millie open it, Chuck says, "I don't mind," and Millie smugly snaps back, "But I get to do it." It is certainly possible that they had agreed in advance that she would do it (though she did the last one, so...why?), but nothing about the way Millie has behaved has given me much reason to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that this is anything other than her usual screw-everyone- other-than-me attitude. ["Maybe now it's becoming clear why Chuck won't commit to a relationship with her: she sucks." -- Wing Chun]
Tian is first out to the jump. She loves it, she's an adrenaline junkie, blah blah blah who cares. She's lowered down, where she congratulates herself. Boring bungee footage. I hate bungee segments. What I love, though, is the interview where Tian talks about how much she loves things like that, while Jaree looks dead-eyed into the camera like, "Here she goes again about what a thrill-seeker she is. Can you believe this shit?" Of course, I am guessing, because Jaree doesn't mention this part out loud. Tian and Jaree read the clue with Monica, and it tells them to get to the pit stop by traveling by train to Gmunden. Phil tells us that the train trip is 185 miles. He introduces us again to the Marblemouth Hotel, also known as Seeschloss Orth. Last one to the pit stop is a Philiminated egg.
Meanwhile, Josh and DadSteve are at the Vienna West train station, getting tickets to Gmunden. DadSteve says that they used the Fast Forward just to get to a better position where they hope things will pan out better for them. I actually think it's an example of a good FF use, because they really were in danger of being eliminated, and you'd hate to get booted without ever even using it. Plus, that was the most enjoyable FF of all time, I have to think.
Sheree heads out to the jump, allowing that she was a little "wigged out" by the height, but that she went anyway. To her credit, she goes. There's very little left to say about bungee-jumping, after all. It's basically a gravity demonstration. Gravity? Still works. Isn't that a relief? The Jaree/Sheree and Friends Alliance takes off in the direction of the train station.
Reichen is gravity's plaything. ClownJon is, too. There is falling, bouncing, and a refreshing absence of bloody death.
Millie -- having pushed and shoved her way into the Roadblock -- finds herself struggling. She asks for water, trying to stave off an asthma attack without her inhaler, which they didn't let her bring up the tower with her. You know, there's "ballsy," and then there's "pigheaded and just plain not smart." I leave it to your judgment. Millie jumps, cheered on by Chuck's monkey impression.
At the Vienna West station, Chip picks up tickets to Gmunden. Tian offers Reichen a high-five on the train. They're bonding, like, "Yeah, everybody hates my gorgeous ass, too."
Roadblock. Cindy and Russell arrive with David and Jeff ("whoooo?"). When they pull numbers for jump order, David gets his first, so he's jumping seventh, and Russell is jumping eighth. Behind them are AirSteve and AirDave, and when they reach the Roadblock, Dave initially says he'll go. "Save your knee," AirSteve reminds him. "I'll go." Very smart move, I think, because I would not hang from my ankles if I had a bad knee, lest my knee snap in half and I wind up bouncing up and down on the airbag and discovering that I'm down one shin.
Up at the top of the jump, Jon is having his harness yanked by a safety checker. "Take me, I'm yours," he says with about the maturity you would expect. Harness guy is like, "Ha. Ha." Jon jumps backwards, because he's cra-zay! Is that the best they can do to bring interest to the bungee-jump? The promise of a liaison between Jon and the harness jockey? Sigh. Booo-ring. The highlight of Jon's jump is that it introduces the return of my favorite piece of incidental music -- the Horns of Perseverance. "BLATBLATBLAT BLATBLATBLAT BLATBLATBLAT BLAT!" it goes. They've recently been relegating the HoP to the previouslys, so I'm relieved to see it back where it belongs. It's actually quite a little stretch of Classic Race Music during Jon's jump, which I shouldn't know, but do. Kelly gives Jon a big hug and kiss when he's at the bottom, and they get their clue.
David is to jump. I still barely know who he is.
Russell is after David. Unfortunately, I do know who he is. At the bottom, he and Cindy get a taxi, and Russell tells the cab driver that they're on their way to Gmunden and need the train station.
Back at Vienna West, David and Jeff make a train with what they claim is about five minutes to spare.
In the Cindy/Russell Cab of Dysfunction, they discuss their strategy. Or lack thereof. Russell says they're not playing "cutthroat." He says that all of their arguing is within their own team, not with other people. Cindy says she thinks they need to try to stop doing that because it's hurting their performance, and Russell dismissively insists that it isn't. Oh, go away, both of you. I didn't like you when your names were Tara and Wil.
Millie and Chuck, Kelly and Jon, Al and ClownJon, and David and Jeff ("Amazing whaaaat? Race whooooo?") are all on the same train to Gmunden. Millie claims to be nervous despite knowing that Russell and Cindy and Steve and Dave are behind them.
At the top of the jump, AirSteve Groanies about how there's no way he and AirDave can keep up. Blah blah blah, enough already.
Commercials. Baby Bob? Are they serious? For crying out loud.
Tall spire! Bungee-jump! AirSteve faces his mortality! Possibly really soon! He says that he and AirDave had vowed to never give up, so there was no way he was going to bail on the jump. In an interview, Dave claims that seeing AirSteve at the top of the tower was "like an eclipse," and that Greenpeace showed up to tell them to stop throwing whales off the tower. It's funny, kind of, except that AirSteve isn't really fat, so it feels like a joke that's shoehorned into the situation. Moreover, Dave could give him a little support, you know. After AirSteve completes the jump, he says as they leave that they'll be Philiminated unless somebody else gets lost on the way to the pit stop.
If anyone is going to get lost on the way to the pit stop, it's certainly not going to be Josh and DadSteve, who are finding it right now. When they reach Phil, he's accompanied by Your Adopted Viennese Grandmother, apparently acting as the greeter. Phil tells them they're team number one.
Elsewhere, AirDave and AirSteve get a bad lead from a local who sends them to Vienna North to the train station where she "thinks" there are trains to Gmunden. For the second time in the same damn episode, they don't double-check the directions from the local, and they head out on this soft advice.
In the Russell/Cindy cab, he tempts fate by declaring that he's not worried about their place tonight at all, because they'll be eighth. Why exactly he's sure they'll be ahead of anyone besides Steve and Dave (which would make them ninth) isn't clear to me. But what matters is that Russell openly declares his lack of concern, and the people at the Department of Karma really frown on that. And where are he and Cindy? At the Vienna East train station. Uh oh. Inside, Russell asks for tickets to "Gmunden," but the ticket guy gives him the info on the train to "Gmund." Russell clearly says "Gmunden," and the guy clearly says "Gmund," but neither seems to notice the confusion. As was aptly pointed out by an Eagle-Eyed Forum Poster, if there aren't trains to Gmunden from here, then the ticket guy isn't being too silly in assuming that Russell just misspoke. Moreover, I can't imagine the tickets don't say "Gmund" on them, so I'm surprised Russell and Cindy didn't check. As they wait for the train to Gmund, Cindy and Russell admire someone's dog and have a sandwich. Tra-la-la, nothing to worry about. Just pet the dog; there's plenty of time.
Meanwhile, the lead pack is heading into Gmunden.
At almost 2:00 in the afternoon, AirSteve and Dave get off in what I guess is Vienna North, and they're told by the helpful desk guy that the train to Gmunden leaves from Vienna West.
Monica and Sheree haul ass up to the mat. (Didn't I take note of their foot speed in the first recap? I believe I did, not that I would ever gloat.) Welcome, Falconettes, you're team number two. They did fabulously well today. Almost no mistakes, including places where other teams made them. I do believe they've been underestimated, including by me.
At 2:10 in the Vienna East train station, Russell and Cindy are kicking around waiting for their train. They stop in to talk to a travel guy, who breaks the news that they don't want Gmund, they want Gmunden. Rescued from what was actually a worse fate than this, they grab a ride to the correct train station, with Cindy lamenting that they lost probably forty-five minutes on that little mix-up.
Welcome, Chipsters. You are team number three.
AirSteve and Dave have made their way to the right train station at last.
Welcome, Tian and Jaree. You are team number four.
Meanwhile, in the train station, Russell complains that "one guy's error" could cost them the game. Yeah. And the "one guy" is pretty much you, ass, since you were at the wrong train station to begin with and didn't check your ticket. As Cindy tries to think through train schedules and is working with a ticket guy, Russell harasses her, and she asks for a minute to think. He turns around, faces the camera, and makes a little "stupid bitch" face, for which he deserves a healthy kick in the teeth. She turns out to have it right, not that he cares.
At the pit stop, here come Chuck and Millie. Welcome, you are team number five. And also, you suck. Well, half of you sucks. And it's not you, Chuck.
On the train, AirSteve says that while he and Dave aren't completely giving up, they're prepared for the worst. Have you tried the Defeatism Chowder? It's very tasty with crackers.
Al and Jon land on the mat in sixth place.
After a quick check on the "bumming" Russell and Cindy, who fear being last, we see David and Jeff check in as team number seven, and then Phil tells them they have to leave because they're not contestants. They show him ID, and he lets them stay. What's more, David says "sweet" just like Vern when he hears that they're seventh, and Jeff hits him on the pecs like he has no idea what kind of congratulatory ritual would be appropriate. Weirdest. Team. Ever.
AirSteve and Dave and Russell and Cindy are still hurtling along the train tracks.
Kelly and Jon -- who have had a bad, bad leg -- check in as team number eight. Time to start communicating, kids, because you can't afford a repeat of that performance.
Phil at the mat! Who will be ? Who will have their feet pulled out of the fire? Phil POV shot! Shadowy figures! And it's...AirSteve and Dave! Zoiks. These guys are like the Timex of racers. In a very Ken and Gerard manner, they crack up as Phil tries to build suspense around their placement. "You're team number nine," he finally tells them. They chortle in disbelief. They mob Phil. Dave voices over that he and AirSteve want to win, and still believe they can. AirSteve points out in an interview that you always have to keep going, in case something happens to another team that's even worse than what happened to you. (Bitterly known as the Momily Principle.)
Oh, and here come the lovely Russell and Cindy from the train station toward the pit stop. Phil doesn't even try for any suspense as he tells them they're out. Russell interviews that he hates losing. Cindy interviews that the couple of days they spent together were "detrimental" to her and Russell's relationship, because Russell didn't listen to her and couldn't work with her. One hopes that she is finally ordering up that clue, because it is overcooked and waiting to be delivered.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Chuck has a panic attack. People argue, but it's impossible to tell what the heck's going on or how serious it is. Lame preview this week, but that fight is definitely either really important or not important at all.