Previously on You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone (They Paved Paradise And Put Up Arsenio Hall): New York, Johannesburg, Paris, Casablanca, Bangkok, Munich, Rio, Lisbon, Beijing, Hong Kong, Seattle, Singapore, London, Tunis, Aberdeen, San Francisco, Agra, Rome, Sao Paolo, Cape Town, Delhi, Fez, Honolulu, Ho Chi Minh City, Marrakech, Sydney, Auckland, Zurich. Three million bucks. Thirty-four teams. A hundred twenty thousand miles. One deceptively studly Kiwi.
What, you mean you've been watching that thing where they eat rice with bugs in it? Oh, this is a lot better.
We fly in over the empty, soulless, smoggy landscape of Los Angeles, getting a great view of what are presumably the nation's premiere cosmetic dentistry schools and law firms specializing in liposuction malpractice. Finally, we spot teeny tiny Phil "Hop On Eyebrow Pop" Keoghan, who's on top of a very tall building that probably isn't actually called Accordion-Pleated Circle Towers Plaza, even though it should be. We zoom in on him, and he tells us that he is high above the city he calls the "gateway to the western United States." Not to argue with Phil, but having once lived in the Pacific Northwest, I know we didn't consider L.A. to be the gateway to squat. But anyway, Phil calls L.A. "America's city of dreams." It's also, of course, "America's city lousy with former reality show contestants," so if these people wanted to short-circuit the process, they could skip the race and go directly to Belly. Evil Doctor Will has a great story about the time he said that really funny thing and everyone laughed. Phil and his black turtleneck tell us that twelve teams of two people will race around the world, and the winner will get a million dollars. And, most importantly, the right to cleanse the memory of Flo from our wounded public consciousness.
As usual, a very special method of transportation takes the teams to the starting point. This time, they're are traveling in a pair of what Phil calls "stretch Hummers." (And if you want one, fellas, remember to always date the limber.) These monstrosities, which look like white Lego limos, are lumbering down one of L.A.'s notorious freeways. If they go below fifty, they'll explode, you know. And they're taking the teams to...Dodger Stadium! Can you believe that? I am psychic. Dodger Stadium is still soulless, but at least it's the National League, so there will be no "designated racer" who, like, flies on the airplanes but doesn't have to run. Phil tells us that each team is made up of two people with an existing relationship, and it's time to meet them.
Tian and Jaree are those two loud girls you met that time at that party and then the whole way home, you and your friends were trying to figure out who invited them, since they only talked to each other. They're both models and, as Phil tells us, "thrill-seekers." Hey, you know what's thrilling? Chicks with pistols! Right on cue, we cut to them on a shooting range. Frankly, given the purpose to which they're putting this footage, I'm surprised they don't show them licking the barrels. The girls tell us that they're "not like regular chicks" because they're "feminine" but they're "adrenaline junkies." Wow, I'm always so grateful to be educated about what ordinary women are like by women who are too cool to be part of that mundane category. They then Heave out their tired philosophy that it's easier to be a girl, because you can always just ask people for stuff. "Thank God we're good-lookin'," Jaree tells us. Yeah. Given their rather motley collection of skills, I'm not too surprised to hear that they rely fairly heavily on that one. Also? Like most women who tell you how good-looking they are, they're not nearly as good-looking as they think.
Steve and Dave are friends and Chicago air traffic controllers. In their intro shot, they turn away from the air traffic control screens they're tending to smile at the cameras. Of course, in the time it took to get that shot, a plane erroneously landed on Interstate 94 and took out a Volvo, a Beetle, and an ice cream truck, but no matter. Dave tells us that they're a couple of old fat guys, so other teams won't view them as a significant threat. Steve says that they hope to run the entire race without breaking a sweat. Apparently, they will be skipping all the parts with walking or running or anything like that. I sure hope they packed their inflatable wind-up golf cart.
Reichen and Chip are your designated eye candy, and they're married. As Chip explains it, they solemnized their marriage just like any other couple would, though he says "cemented our relationship." I've actually always said that Mr. and Mr. Tall and Beautiful had the most traditional wedding of any of my friends, aside from the fact that they're both guys. Hell, I even caught the bouquet. (Which actually was underwear, but that's not the point.) Reichen is very pretty, but he has that shiny, waxy, sculpted thing happening that makes me unsure whether to admire him or prop him up in the backyard garden and have him made into a fountain. He says he's motivated by a "personal vendetta" created by years of being treated like he was inadequate because he's gay, which sounds like a rather bizarre motivator to me, but on the other hand, I'm all about being driven by bitterness and resentment. I don't know about the matching fleece vests they're wearing, though. That spells trouble.
Ah, Millie and Chuck. Now, what the show will emphasize to you is that Millie and Chuck are in their late twenties and are virgins. Virgins! I guess we know which team will be best suited for that Hurl Yourself Into A Volcano Detour. In case you fail to see their innocence shining through like a beacon of righteousness, they are shown riding a carousel. Oh, those virgins and their childlike entertainments! I swear, the show could not lay this on any thicker with a trowel. What I find strange, actually, isn't that they're virgins -- it's that they've been "dating" for twelve years, and he says he's "scared of commitment." Who "dates" for twelve years and is still thinking about whether he wants to commit or not? What kinds of dates are you going on after twelve years? I mean, this is the year of X2; these people have been dating since Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead. She says that if he doesn't propose soon, she's going to bail. Well, sure, because dating a guy for thirteen years would just be weird.
Steve and Josh are father and son. Wait a minute, didn't we have a Steve already? We did! Wow, harsh. Anyway, DadSteve is a corrections officer. Josh, on the other hand, is a reminder that you should always read care labels, because Elvis Costello is clearly marked dry clean only, and if you put him in the dryer, this is what happens. DadSteve tells us that they've always felt they didn't spend enough time together. Josh says that his dad ran a boot camp for felons. Oh, and Josh wears cropped camouflage pants with his red bowling-style shirt. Wow, aren't we just the bad boy of 1997. Josh: Rebel Without A Calendar.
Russell and Cindy are -- wait a minute, didn't we have a Russell and Cyndi before? We did! What kind of games are they playing here, anyway? This Russell and Cindy are friends, and she seems to think they might be dating, and he seems not to. Hmm, I think that works out to "not." Furthermore, there's something about her that strikes me as very chilly. And wow, look at those white teeth! She could be Blake's lost sister. Well -- aunt, I guess. Or else Blake made those teeth in his basement and sold them to her via direct mail solicitation. Anyway, she says she loves and adores Russell. He says he doesn't want a relationship. I smell one of those non-romance romances like Flo and Zach, where they try to make the casting people think there's the potential for a sex outbreak. Because what could be a better romantic motivator for people who have thus far not been able to get the engine running than a month without showering or doing your laundry? Mmm, crusty socks. Sexy!
Monica and Sheree are both married to guys who play for the Atlanta Falcons. Now, the thing I like about them is that they say they want a chance to do something for themselves, because their husbands' careers are pretty all-consuming. What I don't like is that they're wearing football jerseys. I mean, if you're trying to get out from under your husband's career, you could start by not wearing his shirt.
David and Jeff are friends. Wait, didn't we already have a Dave? We did! This is getting ridiculous. Phil describes the boys as "bachelors," but -- crucially -- not "confirmed bachelors." They are, however, the designated Unfortunate Facial Hair Special Envoys from the planet Remington Microscreen. Jeff has a little quarter-sized soul patch, and David has a scraggly goatee that makes him look like Edward Norton playing some notorious pornographer. They claim to be "planners" who "think on [their] feet," but the introductory footage is of them running on the beach with surfboards. Their motto? Love Us For Our Minds Because We Are Smart, But If It Helps, We Are Ripply Also.
Amanda and Chris. She's wearing her hair in two little ponytails, which is not a good start at all from an aesthetic perspective. On the other hand, these two are from South Dakota, so we're practically neighbors. And of course, you can see straight from my house to their house, since there's nothing in between except soybeans and corn. Chris says that people will think they're "bumpkins," and will underestimate them. It strikes me funny how many teams have, as a strategy, being underestimated. It's the "we meant to do that" of team introductions.
Kelly and Jon are recently engaged, and are from Miami. She has that sproingy red aerobics-instructor hair that screams, "Five more crunches! You can do it!" and he said in his pre-show interview on the CBS site that one of his fears was "fat people," so I think you know that they've both been intimate with the recumbent bicycles at their local Bally's Total Fitness. They tell us that they both have "Type-A personalities" as we see them run in the surf. Oh, the flirtatious horseplay of the sinewy and well-toned! Suddenly, I feel the urge for a protein shake. She perkily says that, "hopefully," they'll still get married after they've done the race together. Well, I hope so, too. The world needs more children who are really cut.
Debra and Steve are married parents from Indiana. Now, wait. That is three Steves. What is this, a damn Dr. Seuss book? Anyway, Debra and IndianaSteve are what we might refer to as "plus-sized," but I would point out that Debra, in particular, isn't as "plus" in body as she looks in the face. They tell us that they're "fat, forty, and fun." And functionally alliterate! IndianaSteve tells us that they won't be able to get ahead physically, so they'll have to get ahead mentally. It's good to know your strengths. Come to think of it, it's a shame that teams rarely have the self-awareness to say, "It's a good thing we run fast, because we are as dumb as a can of creamed corn."
Jon and Al are clowns. No, really. They're literally clowns. Oh, and also? Yes, that's two Jons. Sigh. (Likelihood that a guy on The Amazing Race 4 is named David, Steve, or Jon: 46.7 percent.) ClownJon (as opposed to BuffJon) is, as it turns out, a human cannonball in the Barnum & Bailey circus. Look, there he is, getting shot out of a cannon and landing in a net. We see them clowning with their clown makeup, actually doing that thing where one of them whaps the other one with a powder puff. Clown clown clown. You just can't stop saying it, really. Clown! Also, they juggle! That'll come in handy!
The teams stroll onto what looks like shallow centerfield as Phil gives his usual speech about who among these people will prove to have the necessary "brains, brawn, and teamwork" to win. "These are the questions waiting to be answered as we get ready to begin..." Phil pauses to let you observe his suave hosting skills. "The Amazing Race." With that, Phil walks over toward the edge of the building he's standing on. Phil, don't do it! You have so much to live for! Fortunately, Phil does not jump. That was almost a really sad and abrupt ending there. I really don't want the first Roadblock to involve helping wash Phil off the sidewalk.
Back in shallow center (which seems oddly appropriate for some of these teams), Phil explains that there will be thirteen legs, and there will be tasks, and money is limited, and so on. Phil explains that it's important to get to the pit stops quickly, because at nine of them, if you get there last, you'll be -- eyebrow-pop -- eliminated. He asks them if they understand, and everybody nods. Phil explains that their first clue is waiting with their luggage. Once they get their bags and read their clues, they can exit through the center field fence, run to the SUVs that are waiting, take one, and get going. "Everybody ready?" Phil says. They all go, "Wooo!" and clap. Because you have to. If you stop Phil and say, "Wait, how many legs are there again?" you will lose your psychological edge. "The world is waiting for you," Phil says rakishly. "Good luck...travel safe...go!" Screaming, they all fly past Phil in a pack, and he leans back as if being blown by a stiff wind. Man, Phil is so cool. Can you believe Survivor blew him off for freaking Probst? Idiots. Everyone streams across centerfield in a drop-dead sprint until they reach their luggage and open their first clue. I always think it's interesting to note how the opening sprint goes, and you know who kicked its ass, other than the people you might have spotted? Monica. She smoked that sucker. Anyway, the clue tells them to get themselves to Milan, Italy on one of three flights -- a SwissAir flight, a Lufthansa flight, or a KLM flight. Seats are, of course, first come, first served, and they have $200 for the leg.
Bags in hand, the teams tear out of the stadium and into the parking lot, immediately scattering out to reach the row of SUVs. BuffJon laughs hysterically as he navigates around the parking lot. Jaree falls behind as a result of dropping her bag. "BLAT! BLAT BLAT BLAT!" say the horns on the soundtrack. Chip directs Reichen out of the parking lot and onto the highway. "Here we go," he says. Here we go, indeed.
Credits. Theme music. Damn, I missed this show so much I almost have to walk over and put my arms around my TV. Sniff. [BOMP.]
Screamy strings play on the soundtrack in a vaguely Psycho-ish fashion as we return to Dodger Stadium. Somebody almost causes an accident in one of the SUVs by cutting over in front of somebody else, but it's hard to tell who it is. In the Russell/Cindy SUV, she reads the clue, which tells them that they have to find the Galleria Victoria once they get to Milan. "Been there, been there," Russell says. In the Chip/Reichen SUV, meanwhile, Chip points out to Reichen that they've got a lot of people following them who don't know where they're going. To wit: in the Jon/Kelly SUV, she says to follow "the California-looking boys." "I'm telling you, those guys are from California," she says. "They got the look." I must admit, we grow 'em pasty in my part of the country, so she may have a point.
Elsewhere, DadSteve says to Josh that since he (Josh) lives in L.A., he might have a better idea of what to do than DadSteve does. David and Jeff, on the other hand, are entirely living up to the intelligence of their facial hair by driving around the stadium parking lot in circles. In other news involving people who have yet to impress with their mental acuity, Tian and Jaree have noticed that the back of their SUV won't close, even though they're good-looking. Go figure. Their first idea is to try to hold it closed from the inside, which is a cute thought, but not happening.
Out on the freeway, Kelly's biggest problem seems to be Jon's inclination to speed because he's so pumped. "Be calm," she tells him. Jon and Al are following them, it appears, but they're undoubtedly thinking about a faster way to the airport, and how all they would need would be a really, really big net.
Ah, Amanda and Chris. She's driving, and she opens with, "Get out of my fucking way," directed randomly at another driver. She interviews that Chris thinks she is a sort of angel/devil hybrid, because on the one hand, she's a nice Midwestern girl, and on the other hand, she really swears quite a lot. Hmm, something about that combination sounds familiar. "Oh, you fucking suck!" she says. "I'm going to eat the back of your fucking car, lady," she says. I must admit to a natural inclination to like women who swear at traffic. Because I? Swear at traffic. A lot. Just like that. Complete with vague threats like "I'm going to eat the back of your fucking car" that are more satisfying than they are literally possible. I'm also guilty of offering arguably insincere compliments to other drivers -- in particular, complimenting men on how much bigger it makes their penises look when they refuse to allow me to merge.
David and Jeff? Are trying another locked exit.
Meanwhile, back in the parking lot, Tian and Jaree are suffering from continuing latch problems. They finally give up. Phil explains the rule on this, which is that you can get a new vehicle if yours stops working, but there's no time credit. I also love how he carefully says that this is the rule "if a car breaks down through no fault of the team." Primarily, I suppose, to distinguish that situation from what happens "if a car breaks down because the team fills the diesel tank with unleaded like a couple of dimwits." Or, presumably, does something equally stupid. "Let's just get out of here," Tian finally says when she's got the new SUV.
As we see him drive, Reichen interviews that Chip is the stable guy, while he is the driven, passionate guy. Wow, couldn't someone have powdered his damn forehead during this interview? Going blind from glare over here, people. , we check on Russell and Cindy. In another creepily chilly interview, Cindy points out that Russell is "very bright." "He's my security blanket," she adds. Feh. He, on the other hand, interviews that he's worried about her freaking out. In the Steve/Josh car, Josh is busy assuring his dad that they'll be at the airport in time to get on the first plane.
Kelly reads us the information about the flights in a little more detail. Lufthansa and SwissAir both leave at 2:55, but KLM doesn't leave until 3:50. She turns and looks at the camera. "We do not want the 3:50," she says, waggling her finger in the Big Wavy S-Shape Of Don't Even Get Up In My Face. Just then, ClownJon and Al cut them off egregiously in traffic. "Oh, no, he didn't!" BuffJon says angrily. "Oh, NO, he didn't!" In the clown car, ClownJon says, "It's a good thing we're from New York, right? We can deal with the traffic situation." Whatever, clown. In the other car, BuffJon is still upset. "Oh my gosh," he is saying, apparently not taking swearing lessons from Amanda. Kelly tells him to chill, and in an interview, she points out that with him being from New Jersey and her being from Texas, "It's like The Sopranos meets The Dukes of Hazzard." Wow. Guns all around! She says that he will be all macho about the race, and she'll be going, "Woo!" Meh.
In Chuck and Millie's car, he comments that Kelly and BuffJon are in front of them, and Millie orders him not to lose sight of them. Chuck voices over, "Millie is the only girl I've ever dated; she's the only girl that I've ever really loved. But, yes, uh, marriage does scare me." I swear, the last time I saw a guy as tightly wound as Chuck, he was inside a sarcophagus. I don't think Chuck would even need the entire two weeks to turn a lump of coal into a diamond. She then says in her interview that if he doesn't propose soon, their relationship will be over. Well...you know, it occurs to me that they're both wrong. I mean, he sounds like he's got big old issues of some kind to be able to date the same girl for an entire round of cicadas and then still be afraid of marrying her. But for her to be sitting on her ass for twelve years waiting for the guy to propose? That's also goofy.
Back to Amanda's Wonderful World Of Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth? "Maybe we fucking need to stop for directions," she says. "We don't know where we're fucking going, we don't know where anybody fucking is..." Hee. She can ride with me the time I'm trying to escape downtown Minneapolis. Fucking 35W. Fucking one-way streets. ["No way, man. I've got dibs on her for the Lincoln Tunnel approach on Friday at 5:30 PM." -- Sars]
Steve and Dave are in their SUV looking for the airport. "SwissAir, Luftwaffe, and KLM -- which do you think is going to be closest?" Luftwaffe? Snerk. One of them voices over that they do think they'll have an advantage with the flight stuff as a result of being air traffic controllers. "Do you have any idea where you are?" Dave says from the back. "I have no friggin' idea," says AirSteve. Dave looks up and spots a plane, and AirSteve points out that it's "on final for LAX," so they must be getting close. The plane doesn't look to be flying that low, so I'm not sure that hint is too helpful, but they seem pleased.
Monica and Sheree, meanwhile, do not see any airport signs.
Suddenly, a motorcycle cop comes roaring up on the convoy of teams. Chris hypothesizes that perhaps the cop plans to pull over somebody who's speeding ahead of them. Kelly has the same thought as the cop flies by on her left. "Oh my gosh! Woo hoo! Get 'em!" she yells. I do that in the car, too. Monica and Sheree, however, have a different thought. They pull up to the cop, and Sheree yells to him out the open window, "Where's the airport?" The cop apparently wants to make sure that he understands, so he takes both hands off the motorcycle and does a flapping-wings imitation (to imitate the way the wings flap on a plane, I guess). Good to see the public safety professionals staying on task. Chris is stunned that the cop is giving directions instead of pulling them over. Apparently, the officer agrees to lead Monica and Sheree to the airport, because soon they're off, just following him. Monica interviews that she thinks the other teams will think they're just pampered housewives, but they're not. "We can battle with anyone," she insists. In the SUV, she repeats that they have to get themselves on one of the first two flights.
Drunken cameramen careen around LAX (aw, hi, guys!). Chip then reads some instructions that direct them to put the SUVs in a particular lot, "Park One." Russell and Cindy are doing the same lot-search mambo, and when they need to make a left, they find that there's a big sign that says you can't make a left. They agree to ignore the sign. Man, where's that cop when you need him? They appear to be the first ones to arrive at the lot, park their SUV, and make their way to the airport shuttle. It sounds like Russell just asks the shuttle driver for Lufthansa, taking a sort of "SwissAir, SchmissAir" attitude. Steve and Josh pull in . When they stop, Josh can see the terminal, so he tells his dad they'll have to walk. When his dad questions him about whether they're really supposed to walk all the way to the terminal, Josh condescendingly snots, "Yes, there's going to be a lot of walking on this trip." Of course, even people not on television shows have to come to LAX for flights, so the odds that they'd make you walk that far and have no other form of transport? Not good, there, genius. They take off running. In the shuttle, meanwhile, Russell orders the driver not to stop for anyone on the way to Lufthansa. He and Cindy high-five and congratulate themselves on how swift they are for being on their way to Lufthansa. Mm-hmm.
ClownJon and Al are trying to find their way to the lot, and they make a screeching last-minute exit from the freeway, followed by Kelly and BuffJon. Just behind them are Chuck and Millie.
David and Jeff are on the highway, and voice-over that they had a little trouble getting out of the stadium. They call it "ironic" that they would get lost on the way to LAX, where they've both gone many times. Surprisingly, that is ironic, given the setting, which probably brings the Perceived Irony Accuracy Rate for reality television contestants in the last ten years to a smoking 3.7 percent or so. Debra and Steve, meanwhile, are stuck in traffic. She looks extremely stressed out. Tian and Jaree have gotten confused, because they've stopped somewhere for directions. Apparently, they have trouble absorbing the information, because when Jaree tries to clarify the directions, the guy says to her, "I just told you three times." Bafflement is quite an epidemic among the pretty, as Chip also is forced to hop out of their SUV to seek directions from a taxi driver.
ones to Park One? Al and ClownJon, who scream much, much too loudly about this relatively minor achievement. are Millie and Chuck, then Amanda and Chris. More careening cameramen, then Phil explains to us that the SwissAir flight has seats for four teams, and will arrive first. The Lufthansa flight will carry three teams, and it arrives forty minutes after the SwissAir flight, despite leaving at the same time. The last five teams will be on the Flight Of Total Losers, a KLM flight leaving an hour after the first two and arriving in Milan presumably significantly later. KLM didn't exactly hit the product placement jackpot here. KLM: Your Airline Of Last Resort.
Cindy and Russell run into the airport, headed straight for Lufthansa, because it doesn't occur to them to check schedules to see whether SwissAir and Lufthansa arrive at the same time. Russell asks for seats as far forward in the plane as possible, which is nice, in that he's working his ass off to conserve three minutes in a situation where he just gave up forty. They are thus the first booked on the Lufthansa flight. Incidentally, they can't even know that this isn't the worst flight, given that -- as some of our Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out -- the KLM flight could have been direct, and could have beaten both of the 2:55 flights. Frankly, they're lucky they didn't screw themselves even more, given that slack-ass piece of play.
Chip and Reichen make it onto a shuttle with their bags, and they meet up with Kelly and Jon. Introductions. Shortly after the shuttle leaves, Sheree and Monica come running up while it's stopped. Jon, however, tells the driver insistently not to let them on, but to go. "No, no, no, no, absolutely not!" Granted, the doors were closed already, but in any normal situation, I think there's a good chance that a shuttle driver will let you on when that happens. So I do think Jon got the driver to pull away, leaving Monica and Sheree standing on the curb. Either Chip or Reichen, incidentally, is participating in this as well. Once they pull away, Kelly sagely says to Jon, "That's going to come back around to you, buddy. Karma." Given that she understands this, I hope she's in charge of tipping cab drivers. He looks unconcerned. Back at the curb, Monica and Sheree are not happy at all.
Josh and DadSteve run into a guy and ask him for directions to the SwissAir terminal. The guy points. "How far?" Josh asks. "About a half mile," the guy says. Oops. "I thought you knew where we were going," says DadSteve. Yeah. Not so much. Drop and give me twenty!
At the terminal, here come Millie and Chuck and Al and ClownJon. The clowns run to SwissAir, while Millie and Chuck choose Lufthansa. To his credit, ClownJon checks to see which flight gets in earlier. The helpful ticket agent informs him that her SwissAir flight gets in forty minutes before the Lufthansa flight, so they're good. Again, they cackle over this entirely too much. They will never keep up this pace of cackling for thirteen legs. To show his gratitude to the ticket agent, ClownJon balances his clue on his nose. He really needs to not do that. ["I thought that was kind of cool. No, don't get up; I'll fire myself." -- Sars] At least Al laughs. Incredibly amused at himself, ClownJon tries hard for a few more laughs, gets polite indulgence, and then blessedly shuts his yap. Already, I am pretty much clowned out.
Millie and Chuck are at Lufthansa. Right behind them are Amanda and Chris, so Millie asks if they can get on as well. The agent assures them that she can get both teams on the flight. Outside, the shuttle pulls up carrying Kelly and Jon as well as Chip and Reichen. Kelly and Jon go to SwissAir; Chip and Reichen head for Lufthansa. Also running for the terminal, though from much further away, are Josh and DadSteve. All is well for Kelly and BuffJon at SwissAir, as they land in line behind ClownJon and Al. Hot on the heels of all these teams are Monica and Sheree, who are just arriving on the same shuttle as Dave and AirSteve.
At the Lufthansa counter, controversy is brewing. Chip and Reichen have approached a different ticket agent than the one who was talking to Millie and Chuck, and have asked to be put on the list for the Lufthansa flight. Of course, the other agent has already promised the last pair of tickets to Amanda and Chris -- who probably should have hustled themselves right to the open desk, incidentally, rather than waiting in line behind Millie and Chuck. But at any rate, Chip and Reichen try to get onto the flight, and the other teams catch on to what's happening at the other end of the counter. Millie rather assertively tells her agent that Amanda and Chris were in line before the boys, and should be the team to get the last tickets. After some stalling, the first agent tells the second that she has already promised all the tickets, so the boys are out of luck. I sense that Millie is not to be trifled with. An unhappy Chip and Reichen leave to check on the situation at SwissAir, as David and Jeff observe from a few feet away. Chris leans over and kisses a happy and relieved Amanda on the cheek. She squeezes her eyes shut and grins. David asks the ticket agent the way to KLM -- he's apparently decided that it's time to take the safety backup flight, even though, as far as we know, SwissAir still has two pairs of tickets. When Steve and Debra show up, Chris and Amanda pass the bad news to them as well, so they head for SwissAir.
At SwissAir, Kelly and BuffJon are just finishing up their booking. Just behind them are Josh and DadSteve. Josh figures that if Kelly and BuffJon are on, then he and DadSteve are probably okay, too. Behind Josh and his dad are Monica and Sheree, Chip and Reichen, and Dave and AirSteve, in that order. At this point, Josh voices over that he noticed that Dave and AirSteve were wearing air traffic controller hats, so he assumed that it would be great to be in an alliance with them. He goes to the back of the line and tells them that if there are tickets available after he and DadSteve get theirs, he'll "call [them] up" to the front of the line. That doesn't seem kosher to me at all in a leg where the clue said "first come, first served." But sure enough, when Josh gets up to the front of the line, he finds two sets of tickets, and says he wants both. Monica, behind him, says, "No, no, wait, wait, wait." Josh turns around much too fast and condescendingly says to her, "I'm sorry, it's a race," a line that's completely uncalled for in that situation. You can just save your "let me educate you that there's no handholding" lecture for someone who actually deserves it, you presumptuous little prick. It appears to me, with this and the "there's a lot of walking" thing earlier, Josh has decided to appoint himself Guy Who Understands The Race When Others Do Not. And he shows no signs of actually being such Guy. Shut up, Josh.
Anyway. Monica and Sheree, pissed as all hell, leave the line and head for KLM. "Don't say shit to me right now," says Sheree, as they take off. You want to see some self-satisfied smirking, by the way, you can take your eyes right off Amanda in that scene and move them to these four guys, because DadSteve and Josh in particular are inordinately pleased with themselves, and inordinately amused at Monica and Sheree being pissed off. They? Are on the list. Josh smirkingly congratulates himself for how obviously brilliant it is to get in an alliance with air traffic controllers, because they'll be great at the airport. What miracles Josh thinks they'll be able to work in the future when they weren't able -- or even trying -- to work any in this situation, I'm not sure. I mean, after all, they're at the airport right now, and he just had to bail their asses out. Working the airport has never come down to being a genius about the technical aspects of air traffic -- it's about getting people to help you. Good grief, I don't think Kevin knew any more about planes than he did about hair care, and he worked miracles in airports, because people wanted to help him. Same with Danny and Oswald. Not one of these guys, on the other hand, appears to have anything resembling interpersonal skills of that nature. AirSteve recaps what just happened, and says, "We sort of shuffled in front of people who were waiting in line." He pauses and shrugs. "Oh, well." Yeah, they're on the list, too.
As they leave to go to the KLM terminal, Monica and Sheree chat about what just happened to them. "Cheaters never win," one of them says to the other. "And they cheated." I'm not going with "cheated," but I'll take "acted like jerks, not to mention idiots."
En route to the KLM line, an unhappy Chip and Reichen are walking purposefully. I bet this is exactly how they would look in an ad for a Columbus Day sale at JC Penney. I bet they could really move polo shirts. Debra and IndianaSteve are off to KLM as well. David and Jeff are the first to check in at KLM, while outside the airport, Tian and Jaree are just parking the SUV and unpacking their gear. They're talking about how there's nothing they could have done about the car. There's presumably something they could have done about needing directions given to them three times, of course. "Don't even irritate me right now," Jaree snots. "You need to relax, it's okay," Tian says. "Oh, my God, Tian," Jaree grumps as she stomps off with her backpack. Boy, they're lovely individuals. And what are those names, anyway? Designer Imposter perfumes? "If you like White Diamonds, you'll love Jaree." Whatever.
The SwissAir flight is the first to leave, and it carries ClownJon and Al, BuffJon and Kelly, DadSteve and PunkAssJosh, and AirSteve and Dave. They all look very happy. "It's a huge advantage," Josh (I think) punks. Yep. For one leg, kiddo, until the bunch, so enjoy it while it lasts.
On the Lufthansa flight, we have Amanda and Chris, Millie and Chuck, and Russell and Cindy.
The KLM flight is getting ready to leave. David and Jeff are approached by Chip and Reichen, who propose an alliance to "share information." Boy, that'll be quite a devastating conflagration of pure brainpower. At the gate, meanwhile, Tian is proposing that she and Jaree need to get rid of some crap, because there's too much in the packs. "Just let me deal with my pack, all right?" Jaree grumps, playing Eve to Tian's Heather in the riveting drama, At Least We Didn't Take The Donkey-Dive. ["Yet." -- Sars] When Debra and Steve arrive, Steve can't help noticing that they are surrounded by a bunch of young and buff types, so you'd think they'd will have to hope it's not an incredibly physically intense leg. (Sigh.) Monica and Sheree, meanwhile, mention that they would appreciate some luck, in the form of one of the other planes being delayed or something. The KLM flight finally departs, taking with it David and Jeff, Debra and Steve, Monica and Sheree, Chip and Reichen, and Tian and Jaree. On the plane, Sheree says she's praying, and she hopes her prayers will be answered. God? Yep, Still in the tub. And getting kind of pruny, too.
Commercials. Wow, is that that nice little Emily Quartermaine? Things sure have changed. I'm still waiting for the moment when her genes finally kick in and she does a movie where she jumps over an axe handle in time to music.
The Amazing Yellow Lines -- three of them! -- streak across the Amazing World Map from L.A. to Europe, demonstrating that the KLM flight stops in Amsterdam, the Lufthansa flight stops in Frankfurt, and the SwissAir flight stops in Zurich.
Several shiny happy shots of Milan greet us as Phil voices over that all twelve teams are now on their way here. Wow, look at that girl wearing nothing but webbing. I would totally wear that, if I were a completely different person from the person I am and had a different body and no judgment. Phil recaps the teams that are on each flight. He calls Amanda "Amander." This is the kind of thing that makes me want to nibble on Phil's ear, and NO, I cannot tell you why. Ditto "Moniker." (Nibble, nibble.)
Phil tells us that when they arrive in Milan, the teams will have to get to the Galleria Victoria. Hey, there's Phil! At the Galleria! He's wearing a very interesting combination of a thick white fisherman's sweater and a brown suede coat with a white-sheepy collar. I'm not sure it all works together -- it's a whole lotta thick, and it makes him look a little bit like the vet put a cone on him so he wouldn't lick his stitches. However, both the jacket and the sweater, taken individually, are very nice, especially after the parade of wrinkled lightweight nightmares he wore through the entire season. He wonders aloud whether the teams in the back will move up to the front, blah blah blah. And which team will be eliminated first?
At the Milan airport, a sign tells us that the SwissAir flight is delayed. The thing you know, the SwissAir and Lufthansa flights are landing, only five minutes apart. Everyone scurries into the terminals and then looks for taxis. Kelly and Jon are first into their taxi, with Millie and Chuck right behind them. Then Russell and Cindy, Amanda and Chris, DadSteve and Josh, and Al and ClownJon, who seem to have lost a little ground inside the airport. AirSteve and Dave, however, calmly ride the moving sidewalk inside the terminal, in absolutely no hurry. That lollygagging shot is so great. They trust you to be smart enough to grasp the significance of it without saying anything about it, and they're smart enough to want you to notice things like who hustles and who doesn't, rather than focusing entirely on bungee-jumping and snakebites and things of that nature. Furthermore, the camera guy had the presence of mind at that moment to shoot it from a nice low angle and from quite a few feet back, which is exactly the right shot to emphasize the complete lack of action. It also goes by fast, so you just have time to go, "Good grief, they're --" and then it's off to the shot. The usual fine work of your Amazing Editors and Camera Guys. Awesome.
Out on the highway, Kelly and Jon are out in the lead in their taxi, and glad to be so. Kelly mentions that she and Jon have both been to Milan before. (As always, contestants should exercise caution in describing their travel experiences, lest they be accused of having lived everywhere for two years.) Cindy and Russell are , and she's trying to egg on the taxi driver in a way that she thinks is cute and funny, but that I would find very irritating, like being stuck on an airplane to an overcaffeinated college cheerleader. DadSteve, meanwhile, takes the time to remark that he and Josh are in Italy, and he voices over that he's not traveled out of the country before, so that part of it will be more difficult for him. Elsewhere, Al and ClownJon are talking about fitting twenty-five clowns into a Volkswagen, and rather than make one of the many, many actually funny jokes that situation suggests, ClownJon goes with, "Oh, and it was so funny when somebody passed gas, wasn't it?" Good grief. GET. THE. HOOK. Al interviews about how they'll use their senses of humor to their advantage. Hmm -- good luck with that.
Dave and AirSteve are unsuccessfully trying to negotiate with a cabbie for a lower fare. No hurry, after all.
Kelly and Jon hop out of their cab at the Galleria. She thanks the cab driver profusely on her way out of the cab -- yay! -- and they run inside. They reach the box and pull the clue. It tells them, as Phil explains, that they have to search the Galleria for tickets on one of three charter buses. (The Galleria, by the way, is a big pedestrian mall.) The buses leave at 2:00 AM, 4:00 AM, and 6:00 AM, though the teams aren't told this part; they're just told that the three buses leave at different times. The tickets are hidden around the public areas of the Galleria, and they're marked on the outside with which time they leave. Of course, you have no way of immediately knowing how good the first tickets you find may be, since you don't know what the three times are. The other rule is that once you claim a ticket, you can't change to a different one. Kelly and Jon take off looking, followed closely by Cindy and Russell.
BuffJon asks a merchant if she has the tickets, but before he knows it, Kelly is yelling that the tickets are "right here," and she's even calling him an idiot. Nice. Turns out what she found was a place to get train tickets. Oooh, who's the idiot now, Sparky? That's gotta hurt.
Chris and Amanda show up and read their clue.
The first team to find a ticket is Cindy and Russell, and Cindy grabs it right away without looking at it. You can, by the way, see the time on the ticket by looking before you grab, so there's no luck involved in this task, really -- these teams would have had time to find all three of the sets of tickets, I think, and still had time to claim the earliest ones. Kelly and Jon come up behind and also grab a ticket without looking. And what tickets have the four of them grabbed? Ones for the 4:00 AM departure. They're lucky it wasn't the 6:00. That would've been even more amusing to the part of me that likes to see perky people experience hardships. Which is, after all, most of me. Russell interviews that they had no idea whether the 4:00 AM was first, last, or middle -- so of course, they took it. Hmm. Kelly, in her interview, is smart enough to blame herself for yanking the ticket without looking, which she now recognizes was a dumb move.
Amanda and Chris are also looking. They find the 4:00 AM tickets, too, but she calls it "a sucky time," so she wants to go look for a better one. They take off.
Millie and Chuck show up, and she urges him to read the clue quickly, because Amanda and Chris are waiting for them. At least I think that's what she means by, "Go faster, Chuck, they're waiting," although I suppose she could also mean, "Propose to me; my family is getting antsy." Al and Jon look for their tickets, too. When ClownJon finds the 4:00 AM tickets, he pulls one of them right away, so they've also landed on the middle bus unnecessarily.
Millie and Chuck's proven patience pays off as they find the 2:00 AM tickets hiding in a very small space between a couple of pieces of wall. Boy, that's tough to spot. They grab the clue and decide to go get Amanda and Chris and share the wealth. Millie voices over that Chris and Amanda are "fun to hang around with." I love that the virgin and the girl with the "Devil" shirt are friends. Heh. The four of them bop back over to the 2:00 AM tickets so Chris and Amanda can fetch theirs. Note that although Chris and Amanda benefited from the friendship here, they also benefited from not grabbing the 4:00 AM ticket, so they do deserve some credit. As Chris shows the 2:00 AM ticket to the camera, Amanda grins and does a little bouncy dance. Aw, I love a little bouncy dance.
Josh and DadSteve, and then Dave and AirSteve, show up and start looking for tickets.
Back at the Milan airport, the KLM flight is finally landing. Everybody runs through the airport, but as Debra runs up the jetway, she completely racks herself and lands facedown on the ground. As she lies sprawled on the floor, Tian and Jaree run by her without, it appears, so much as a cursory "You okay?" -- which really wouldn't have slowed their asses down all that much, so it would have been nice to see. "I'm okay," she says, picking herself up. As she catches up with IndianaSteve and they start through the airport, she mutters, "I'd like to say I was tripped, but I wasn't." Heh.
David and Jeff grab train tickets into the city from the airport. Train tickets? Good grief. What's more, they snag their alliance pals into this wrongheaded notion. In an interview, David reminds us that they have an alliance, and Reichen voices over that he's not sure that David and Jeff will like them anymore once they know they're gay. I have a feeling that nobody on this entire trip is quite as preoccupied with Chip and Reichen's sexuality as Reichen is. For God's sake, they've had gay people on every edition of the race so far, so it's not like the other racers are likely to be unprepared.
Back at the Galleria, for no apparent reason, Chris is giving Josh the lead to the location of the 2:00 AM tickets. Damn, Chris, SHUT UP. Alas, Josh heads for the 2:00 AM tickets, with Dave and AirSteve are right behind him. That makes the four teams on the first bus Millie and Chuck (yay!), Chris and Amanda (yay!), Josh and Steve (boo!), and Steve and Dave (boo!). Out of four lead teams, two are on the list. That's not good.
On the train, Jeff explains that they were told that taking a train into Milan is just as fast as taking a taxi. Oh, good grief. I'd say somebody didn't study the show ahead of time, or at least didn't pay attention. "And the traffic's really unpredictable," he adds, to bolster his case.
A great edit takes us directly to the highway, where Debra and IndianaSteve's taxi is zooming along with no traffic problems whatsoever. Monica and Sheree are going by taxi as well, as are Tian and Jaree. Debra and Steve's driver takes them right past the other two teams, much to their delight and everyone else's unhappiness. "We got the slowest taxi driver on the planet," Tian loudly complains. Yeah, that'll probably help. When you find yourself pitched into a ditch by the side of the road, my lovely, I hope you'll be able to use those good looks to get your ass rescued.
On the train, Reichen is very anxious about the fact that the train still has a couple of stops to go, and he's concerned that the other three trailing teams will get to the route marker before they do, and they'll wind up battling within their alliance to avoid Philimination. (In other news, he has big ears, which you can tell because the camera is practically inside one of them.) And -- what do you know? At the Galleria, it's Debra and IndianaSteve! And Monica and Sheree! And Tian and Jaree! Man, after all this time, the Estrogen Brigade? Still wrong. Never take trains if you can take taxis -- if there were commandments in this game, that would be one.
Debra and Steve prematurely claim tickets for the 6:00 AM bus. (You'll remember that there is one set left for the 4:00 AM.) Monica and Sheree wander around asking if anyone speaks English, and then they come across Josh. Trying to make up for his airport maneuver, Josh directs them to the remaining 4:00 AM ticket. They thank him, and then they tell the camera that they figure he just made up for the airport fiasco, so they're not mad at him anymore. Clean slate. Which means Josh made a good move there, probably. He explains his decision thusly: "I just led the team that we screwed earlier to the four o'clock...it's not gonna hurt us, and they needed the help...and I really don't want those two blonde chicks with the fake tits up in there, so." You know, that made me laugh when I first saw it, but I dislike him so much at this point that now it just looks like bitter grousing. It's interesting.
Speaking of blonde chicks, Tian and Jaree are looking for tickets, and Jaree (unsurprisingly, as we will learn later) wants to look by the ashtrays, among other places. Heh. They find the 6:00 AM tickets. Wow, that's some leather thing Jaree's got on her head. Looks kind of like a swim cap from the Y, only made from car seats. At least some of the past bad hats have been functional, for God's sake. That's just pointlessly fugly.
The Pectoral College (consisting of Reichen, Chip, David, and Jeff) de-trains at Milan. They find the 6:00 AM tickets. Psst, fellas? time? Take. A. Taxi. Really. David tells us that they had hoped to come in ahead of some other teams, but it didn't work out that way, so they'll be on the last bus out of town in the morning. "There has to be a way for us to gain," Reichen says earnestly, as the camera shoots straight up from his shoes to make him look as much like a marble statue as possible, "so I don't think it's over yet."
Commercials. Paxil will make you see happy little birdies.
Milan. Night. As Phil tells us, all twelve teams have arrived, and are waiting for their various charter buses that will take them to "parts unknown." The teams are all preparing to get a room for the night. I'm telling you, these people have gone soft. What ever happened to sleeping outside? Remember Paul and Amie and Dave and Margaretta sleeping under blankets by the Ferris wheel? And don't give me "winter," because it was winter then, too. These kids today, I'm telling you. The only one to hesitate is IndianaSteve, who's at the hotel early but balks slightly at the price he's quoted, and says he'd like to think about it and come back in a little bit. He and Debra leave to talk it over for a while. He voices over that he was worried about money, so he didn't want to blow it all on a room.
When they're gone, a bunch of other teams storm the hotel.
IndianaSteve tells the camera, sometime later, that he and Debra have decided to go back to the hotel after all, and just hope that they won't have to spend much money between this point and the end of the leg. When they get back, though, all the other teams are in the process of booking every room, and they can't get one. Incidentally, as everyone is standing around at the counter, Debra looks at David and sadly says, "I tried to get us in two hours ago," hinting not-so-subtly that her husband screwed up. It's very unfair, because back when Steve said he thought they should wait, she said that was fine, and even seemed to agree, and didn't even protest a little, so it's not as if he steamrolled her. It is at this point that IndianaSteve whaps the counter with his palm and starts feeling really crappy. "Oh, I just blew it," he self-flagellates. "I just didn't think." Of course you did! You'd think he bought plane tickets to the wrong country or something. Not paying for a room is a perfectly valid option. To the rescue, though, come Chip and Reichen, who agree to let Debra and IndianaSteve share their room for the night. The boys go out for a walk, and Debra chats with Steve in the shared room. "We have a feeling the boys want to sleep together," she says sweetly. Hee. Outside, they continue their walk, while Reichen voices over that they haven't decided whether to tell anyone they're a couple. HELLO? Debra and IndianaSteve, incidentally, said in a post-show interview that they were tipped off to the fact that the boys were married by the fact that they had matching wedding bands. Just a little hint: time you boys want to leave your relationship ambiguous? Leave the rings at home. Just saying. Once again, it strikes me that they are way, way too worried about this.
Up in the room, IndianaSteve is...crying? Huh? "This is not exactly the way I intended it, but...I get to sleep with three guys," Debra says, trying to act cheerful. She explains in a voice-over that Steve was mad at himself, because he knew that Debra was unhappy about not having their own room, or about him blowing it, or something. In the end, of course, they got a room and saved half the price, so he basically did a good thing for them, as it turned out, and nothing bad happened, which is why this meltdown from him strikes me as sort of strange. "You're so cute," she says gently, reaching over and brushing what there is of his hair out of his eyes. "She's my main focus," Steve says, trying to explain in a voice-over why this made him so upset. She eventually kisses him on the head, and she tells him she loves him, and it's all very nice, but...I'm having a problem with that bit back in the lobby where she had to announce to the entire group that he was the one who didn't get them the room earlier. If she knows he reacts with this much pain when he knows she's unhappy, why would she do that? It didn't strike me till the second time I saw it, but that's why their vibe is weird to me. She's sweet to him, but she also sort of set him up for this situation, even if not consciously, you know?
Out on the streets of Milan, Russell and Cindy are foregoing the hotel room and trying out the idea of sleeping outside. See? Thank You For Not Sissying. Russell decides to ask a nearby cop whether sleeping on the bench is all right. What he actually asks, though, is whether waiting for a bus on the bench is all right. After the cop tells them yes, Cindy points out to him that although hanging out on the bench is all right, the cop may not like it when they whip out sleeping bags and fall asleep. She's right, I think; if you're going to bother asking permission, you have to ask for permission for what you're actually about to do. Otherwise, it's not worth much. She interviews that Russell can be "touchy...temper...a little bit...just slightly." thing we know, they're in the process of hunkering down for the night, but they're still bickering. Sarcastically, he says, "Hey, dumb-ass, it's out of respect you ask them. Do you want to ask them to come snuggle with us?" I'm sorry, did he just call her "dumb-ass"? Gee, I can sure understand why she's so infatuated with him. He does seem like quite a catch. After all, it's hard to find a guy who will call you a dumb-ass, especially when you're right. She comes back with, "If you want to talk about respect, why don't you try using it?" He then voices over that they need to work on "communication." Oh, yeah. He's on the list.
At 2:00 AM, Millie and Chuck, Chris and Amanda, Josh and Steve, and Dave and Steve all take off on their charter bus. Phil reminds us yet again of the whole charter bus situation. Yeah, Phil, I've got it. The second bus will be taking Russell and Cindy, Kelly and Jon, Jon and Al, and Monica and Sheree. The last bus? Brings up the rear with Debra and Steve, Tian and Jaree, David and Jeff, and Chip and Reichen.
We cut to fabulous snowy scenery as Phil explains that the teams are headed to the Dolomite Mountains, to a town called Cortina D'Ampezzo. (Bravo to the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters who noticed the adorable sign at Cortina that looks like a symbol for "No Bugles." We suspect it means, "No honking.") At 9:00 AM, the first bus arrives at the clue box in town. Everyone hops off and gets going. First to the box is actually AirSteve, surprisingly, but everyone else is right behind him. The clue tells them to proceed to Cinque Torri, which appears to be a mountain. At the bottom of the mountain, they have to board a chair lift, and when they reach the top, they'll follow a marked path through the snow to a route marker. Josh asks a local for help getting to Cinque Torri, and learns that he needs a bus. All four teams correctly locate the necessary bus, and they get to boarding the chair lift. On the ride up, Chris says he's curious about what it is they're doing. "Whatever we're doing, it's really high," Amanda replies. Everyone admires the scenery. Once they're all off the lift, Chris/Amanda, Josh/Steve, and Millie/Chuck all run across the snowy ground toward the route marker. Millie, dressed all in white, smokes everyone else's ass, running like a hunted ostrich. Once again, though, Steve and Dave are taking their sweet time. Dave talks in an interview about how they don't have much of a chance in a sprint to the finish, so they know that they're at some physical disadvantage as compared to these other teams. They catch up with the rest of the teams at the clue box, though, and it's a Detour.
Know what a Detour is? Well, it's a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. No, it is. Ask Phil. The choices for this Detour are Search and Rescue. In Search, you use a locator beacon to search a 160-acre snowfield for a set of snowmobile keys. When you find them, you can use the keys to start the snowmobile and ride to your clue. I'm sorry, a hundred and sixty acres? Of searching? Heavens, I think I'd need the keys just to look for the keys. In Rescue, you climb up a very tall rock formation, cross a very high, very skimpy-looking cable bridge, and take a trip on a very high zip line. In classic Detour analysis, this turns out to be something of a combination of Reckless/Chicken and Tortoise/Hare, because while Rescue is the Reckless option, it may also be the Tortoise option, in that you don't get the speedy snowmobile to take you to the clue once you finish it. It's not clear how much of the hike they eventually have to do at the end of Rescue would have had to be done at the end of Search, but it's an interesting arrangement of Detour options, and I like that it's more complex than the usual very obvious Reckless/Chickens, where it's clear that you'll be totally screwed if you don't jump or dive or whatever. I half-expect Josh to use the words "Reckless" and "Chicken" when he's asked which they should do and he says, "The scary one!" All four of these lead teams ultimately select Rescue.
The four teams walk toward the task, which means a walk downhill, followed by a fairly steep section going uphill to the bridge. The first ones there are Chris and Amanda, although Millie is quite resolutely marching up the hill right behind them. Chris claims that because of his fear of heights, he didn't look down while he was on the bridge, although he certainly appears to be looking down while he does it. He encourages Amanda as she comes, and he tells her that Millie's right behind her, so the faster she goes, the faster they can all get done. In other words, pretty good partner stuff.
Millie is to go, and appears to have something approaching nerves of steel. I kind of dig her, even though I'm still flummoxed by the passivity of her whole "I'm waiting around for him to propose" thing. That's pretty much the only thing holding me back from adopting her at this point. Chuck follows right after her.
Chris and Amanda hike their way up toward the zip line part of the task, and when they get there, she's the first to go across. You know, they've done a lot of things on this show, but this really would scare the crap out of me. I would have absolutely no trouble visualizing myself in pieces in the snow at the bottom of the ravine. In fact, I think I see my appendix right now. "Nice!" Chris yells, and then he follows. Millie screams the whole way across. "Yeah, Millie!" Chris yells to her from the other side. Chuck follows. I'm starting to think of Chuck as Millie's Eleventh Toe or something. He just doesn't even register except in that he's attached to her, but she's kind of interesting.
Here are Josh and DadSteve, crossing the cable bridge. As Steve tears it up, Josh comments that his dad is making him look bad, which is true. Steve looks highly unintimidated by the bridge. Josh comments that his dad is his hero, because his dad is strong and has great will. Which is nice, or would be, if I liked anything about either of them at this point.
Amanda and Chris have hit the hike down the mountain after the zip line is completed. "Come on, hurry up," he's saying to her. They get to a new clue box that directs them to the pit stop, by way of what Phil himself calls "a grueling hike" back to the chair lifts. Don't forget, incidentally, that this is also a grueling hike at a hellishly high altitude. This is probably, in other words, one of the most physically demanding legs these teams will see on the race. Once they've done the hike, they need to get back into Cortina and find the Hotel Lajadira, a ski lodge that will be this leg's luxurious pit stop. Our first shot of the Amazing Mat this season reveals that it has been remade so that on the black rectangle in the middle, there's a world map. Nice! Can I have the old mat for my apartment?
Chris and Amanda take off on the hike, just as Millie and Chuck stumble down the mountain -- led by the hard-charging Millie, who crawls the last few feet -- to the clue box. Elsewhere, Steve and Josh do the zip line, and then check the box. Bringing up the rear in their group, Steve and Dave are just approaching the cable bridge.
Meanwhile, here comes Bus #2, streaking along a street in the snowy mountains. Finally, creepy piano music takes us to Bus #3, the Bus of Doom. IndianaSteve calls it "the broom bus," sweeping up everybody who's left. Heh. It's funny 'cause it's true. He knows that this bus is carrying whoever will be Philiminated on this leg. Which is why it's a shame that it doesn't contain Josh. The music suggests that that bus is about to be attacked by zombies, but that seems unlikely.
Dave and Steve make their way across the bridge. Dave has put his helmet on over his air traffic controller baseball cap, so I'm not sure the helmet is going to do him a lot of good if he runs into trouble, but considering that they're about eight zillion feet above the bottom of the canyon, the only thing that's going to be of much use to you in this situation is a generous life insurance policy and a close personal relationship with whatever higher power you believe in. Once again, we are treated to a Dave voice-over about how overmatched the two of them are by the younger, fitter, and just plain better competitors. Okay. I get it. Really. Man, this is like Groanies II: Dude, Where's My Cartilage? They also talk about how important it is for them not to fall behind, blah blah blah. Enough.
Commercials. Stop arguing with your kids and give them Toastables for breakfast. They're probably not getting the RDA of icing anyway.
Back at the mountain, Steve and Dave are ready for the zip line. Zzzzzip! Elsewhere, Bus #2 pulls into Cortina. They all check the clue and take off. Monica and Sheree, however, take an interest in the Fast Forward. I'm sorry, what? Why on earth would you blow your Fast Forward when you know that there are four teams that are at least two hours behind you?
Oh -- do you know what a Fast Forward is? Well, it's a special clue that all the teams get, and if they choose to follow it and they're the first to complete it, then they can jump right to the end of the leg. However, they can only use it once during the entire race, so, as Phil always says, they have to decide "when it's most advantageous to go for it." In this leg's Fast Forward, you find a snowfield, don snowshoes, and hike up to the top of a hill. I would also point out that this Fast Forward is inherently, structurally bad, in that they're not receiving it until fairly close to the end of the leg. The best Fast Forwards are ones that they give out at the beginning, and that let you skip a lot of tasks and preferably some traveling. This one? Basically won't save them anything except the actual time for the Detour, minus whatever the snowshoe hike requires. It's actually very similar to the crap-ass Fast Forward Esquire took that came near the end of the first leg ever. In short, taking this option is a transparently bad decision, especially if you're comfortably in the middle of the pack. It hasn't historically been an especially important thing to play your FF wisely, but this is playing it badly, for sure.
Monica and Sheree call a taxi, as do Russell and Cindy, Jon and Al, and Kelly and Jon. Hmm -- no buses this time, as there were with the first four teams. I wonder if they missed the buses, or if the other people could have gotten taxis instead. It's interesting. Monica and Sheree's taxi takes at least a bit of time to arrive, and by the time it gets there, they've talked themselves into the Fast Forward. Nooooooo! Sigh.
Chris and Amanda are making their way up the mountain on the hike. She's lagging behind. He stops and turns to look at her. "Come on, Flo," he says. Oooh, burn. And also, heeeee hee. "I'm really tired," Amanda says, and stops for a break. She can tell this is going to set him off. "I'm coming," she says. "You're stopped. You're not coming," he insists. "Dude, if you yell at me again, I'm going to fucking die," she says. "All right, whatever. Like that's going to help a lot." And he keeps walking. "Like your yelling is helping me, fucking jerk," she says. As Sars pointed out, I think that if he had left her alone, she would have caught her breath and kept going, so I think he totally overreacted. Incidentally, according to the CBS site footage, there was more to this fight, including Amanda expanding the Flo callback by suggesting that Chris "throw [his] helmet like a baby." She voices over that she's oversensitive and he's overcritical -- I'd actually say they're both just very volatile and need to learn to give it a minute before they get into one of those bicker sessions, because the rest of the time, they seem to do all right. Chris explains in an interview that he was mostly disappointed by the fact that he and Amanda had been in first place, and then Chuck and Millie passed them like they were standing still. Amanda explains that this was because she was standing still. "Amanda, move your ass, please," he says to her, back on the mountain. She starts walking again.
Chuck and Millie, on the other hand, are giving each other a lot of "Go, you!" as they climb. "Millie is fast," Chuck says. And then, surely not appreciating how this will look to their little "Virgins" label, he says, "She's good at lighting a fire under me."
At Fast Forward station (booo!), Monica and Sheree get their snowshoes (booo!) and take off on the Fast Forward (booo!).
Millie and Chuck and Chris and Amanda make it to the chair lift and climb aboard. On the chair lift, Chris says to Amanda, in a way that sounds pretty sincere to me, "I'm sorry, dude." (Hee. I always think guys who call their girlfriends "dude" are funny, at least in the abstract.) "It's okay, I just feel lousy," she says. "Well, I do, too," he says. "I feel like shit." "And when I feel lousy, it's hard for me to work," she says. He voices over that "sometimes [his] bickering is just way too much," but goes on to say with a chuckle that "if it helps her pull her head out of her rear, then [he's] all for the bickering." "Look how beautiful this is," she says on the lift. He responds, "Just think, I spent, like, half an hour yelling at your ass instead of, like, being able to enjoy this." To me, the way he's rubbing his hair when he makes this comment is a submissive gesture, and the whole thing reads like an acknowledgement that it was a fairly stupid fight on both their parts, which it was. "Yep," she says, and they look at each other. He blows her a kiss. It's open to interpretation, but I actually read that as a reasonably healthy exchange, in that they had the fight, but then they talked about the fight, and they seemed to be okay. It's early yet, but that whole thing didn't put me off too much.
Monica and Sheree struggle with The Worst Fast Forward Ever. (Okay, The Second Worst.) They finally reach the top and grab the clue that will send them to the pit stop at the hotel. In the cab on the way there, they say that they're hoping to beat the other teams who were on the first bus, so that they'll be the first-place team. Not that being the first-place team at the end of the first leg has much meaning, which is part of why you don't use your Fast Forward this way. Sigh.
Currently in first place are Millie and Chuck, who are now hopping off the chair lift and looking for the members of their new alliance, which now includes not only Amanda and Chris but also Josh and Steve. When Chris and Amanda catch up, they decide to wait for the guys, who are still coming down the lift. What's more, they take care of lining up cabs. Nice.
AirSteve and Dave, having completed the bridge and zip line, are making their way very slowly down the hill to the clue box -- you'll remember that Millie and Chuck stumbled their way down this hill, so it's obviously quite hard to navigate. As they walk, Dave takes a bad step and goes down hard. He lands on his butt, which is good, but he's immediately aware that he's screwed up his knee, which is not good. He tells AirSteve that for the moment, his knee isn't so much into the bending. "We're gonna call the real search and rescue," AirSteve says darkly.
Commercials. Who knew deodorant could be life-threatening in a sci-fi kind of way?
Back in the mountains, Dave and AirSteve persevere. Dave says that he needs a rest for his knee. I'm surprised not to see them packing snow around it -- wouldn't that make it feel a little bit better? Maybe not. They eventually start inching down the hill, and Dave tells AirSteve that it "hurts like hell." "You're doing great," AirSteve says in response. They finish the first segment of the hike and start walking along a little road, and AirSteve encourages Dave to lean on his shoulder. "No, I'm fine, man." "Just lean on my shoulder," AirSteve says. "Please?" "Stop it," Dave says. Hee.
In the Josh and Steve cab, Josh is saying how blown away he was by the fact that Millie and Chuck and Chris and Amanda waited for them with cabs. "I love those people, man," he says. The three teams pull up at the pit stop hotel. They all approach a waiting Phil together. They all step up together. And then all six of them step on the mat. Yuck. I hate ties. Boo, ties! Phil informs all of them that they are team number one. BOOOO! Moreover, he tells them that they've all -- yes, all -- won a vacation to Hawaii from American Airlines. That just seems ridiculous. No one should get the vacation, because this is Communism, I tell you. The greeter, as usual, is adorable.
The Crazy Music Of Crisis accompanies us back to the mountain, which Dave and AirSteve are continuing to make their way up. AirSteve has taken to making little stairs in the snow for Dave to walk up, because that's easier for him than walking in the snow. I haven't made my mind up about the team yet, but it's a good race moment as Steve makes a step, and then another one, and then another one. He says they're not giving up. Take that, Miss Flo and other notorious quitters. Eventually, AirSteve gets Dave up the hill. "I owe you, man," Dave says. Fairly obviously angling for airtime, Dave solemnly says, "I wouldn't run this race with anyone but you, man. Nobody but you."
Kelly and Jon make it to the Detour flag. They're all over the cable bridge, which Jon navigates without difficulty. Kelly is right behind him. She calls herself "high-strung," and claims that Jon has "a calming effect" on her. "He just knows how to handle me," she says. Which is on the one hand a squicky thing to say, and on the other hand, a thing I have said. Like, in those words. And I know what I meant by it, and I'm assuming that's what she means by it, so it's not quite so bothersome.
Just behind Kelly and BuffJon are Al and ClownJon, who unsurprisingly elect the bridge and zip line, both of which are sort of circus events anyway. They do appear to be very speedy on the cable bridge.
Meanwhile, at the pit stop, Monica and Sheree have parlayed their Fast Forward into a fourth-place finish from what would undoubtedly have been somewhere between a fifth- and an eighth-place finish. Yeah, I'm just thinking that's not worth it. They try to look happy about being fourth. They say they're not going to second-guess their decision now, which sort of means they already are, but...probably wise not to dwell on it. Monica says she's just happy to be in the "top half." Oy.
Kelly makes a very funny face as she watches BuffJon prepare for the zip line. He seems to enjoy it, and although she doesn't look too pleased about it, she's up for it anyway. After a moment of crying, she takes off. Unfortunately, in an interview, she compares the zip line to marriage, because they're both "leaps of faith." I'm not sure how well that analogy holds up, but whatever. Jon questions her zip line/marriage comparison, but seems happy that she finished the task. Unsurprisingly, one of the clowns comes up with a Tarzan yell during the zip line. Where's that hook I asked for? Can I get that overnighted?
Dave and AirSteve step on the mat, and Dave steps right over, grabs Phil's face, and plants a big smooch on his cheek. Phil looks rather taken aback by this. "Steve and Dave, you're team number five," he tells them. "And don't ever touch me again." Okay, he didn't say that, but he was thinking it. Dave explains that if it weren't for AirSteve, he would still be sitting on the mountain, probably being eaten by ravenous birds. "We have our strengths. We really don't know what they are yet," says AirSteve. He claims, however, that they're "persistent" and "devious." I, on the other hand, am bored.
Russell and Cindy are approaching the zip line. She explains in an interview that she wanted to get over her fear of heights, and he adds that he left her no choice. I doubt she even knows that he's less likely to be romantically interested in her as long as she takes orders from him like that. She zips across.
Bus #3 makes its way up the mountain while some guy voices over that he's on the last bus and it puts pressure on him. It could be any of the members of the Pectoral College, quite honestly. Jaree says they're trying to get back in front, but they know it's going to be tough. Wow, their bus is pink. Apparently, the driver was the first guy in Italy to sell a million dollars' worth of Mary Kay. When the bus stops, everybody hops off. Chip and Reichen seem to be the first to get out of the gate in their cab. "Very fast competition against other people," Chip says, adopting a small measure of the talk-to-the-locals-in-a-funny-accent syndrome that has sometimes plagued past racers. Everyone gets a cab in a hurry, except for Tian and Jaree, who stop into a restaurant and call a taxi. While Jaree talks to the restaurant guy about whether he's seen other teams around, he offers her a coffee. "For free?" she says in a little-girl voice. (Yuck.) He agrees. "He's offerin' us a coffee," she drawls to Tian, and you can actually hear her voice pop down from Squeaky Favor-Magnet to Actual Woman's Gravelly Smoker Voice, for which I want to hate her, but which I actually understand. She uses that chirp the same way I use my Minnesota accent, actually.
Chip and Reichen get on the chair lift.
Back at the restaurant, Jaree is just fussing over her little cup of coffee when Tian calls to her from outside that the cab is there. Now if it's me, I pick that coffee up and gulp it, because it's teeny. But she leaves it on the counter. "Thank you," she says in her pretend voice. "I didn't drink it, but thaaaank you!" They get in their cab.
In a quick round of updates, Chip and Reichen get to the Detour box. They choose Rescue, just as, back at The Amazing Mat, Kelly and Jon are checked in as team number six. Debra and IndianaSteve as well as David and Jeff reach the chair lift, and Al and ClownJon are checked in as team number seven. Oh, and Al and ClownJon have put on red noses for the occasion. HOOK! BRING ME THE DAMN HOOK! FASTER, FASTER! Because the clown thing? Old already.
And now a whole bunch of things happen in rapidly-edited succession. Chip and Reichen battle the cable bridge and the zip line with little difficulty. Russell and Cindy check in as team number eight. They display absolutely no reaction to this news. Reichen and Chip make it to the clue box and start the hike. Debra and IndianaSteve wind up tied with David and Jeff at the Detour box, and since both choose the Rescue (I'm thinking if I were Debra and Steve, I might have gone with the Search, just playing my odds), David and Jeff get out ahead and Debra and Steve are now in second-to-last place, ahead of only Tian and Jaree. Proving that the slender do their share of falling, David face-plants while they run to the Detour. And then, on the way to the Detour, IndianaSteve face-plants. And then Debra face-plants. Somehow, the music guys manage a flourish for all these falls. Nice. That should be the aptitude test when you apply to be a reality TV sound guy -- matching musical flourishes to people falling down. Tian and Jaree are just hopping out of their cab and getting onto the chair lift.
David and Jeff navigate the cable bridge and zip line. Steve and Debra struggle with the walk up the hill to the bridge. Once they get there, Steve does pretty well on the bridge. Nothing to complain about there. Debra, however, seems to sort of psych herself out, and indeed she voices over that she decided she couldn't look across or down, or she couldn't keep going. Debra's problem here, incidentally, is only marginally physical. If you look at her, she's scared out of her wits. Certainly, you could argue that if she were all Go To The Gym Lady, she might have more balance and so forth, but I would also point out that even a chubby lady may just be terrified when suspended on a cable a zillion feet in the air. In fact, I suspect what she really lacks is confidence in her ability to complete physical tasks, despite the fact that there's no reason she can't do this, and in fact? She's going to do it eventually. Tian and Jaree are coming up close behind as Debra slowly inches across the cable bridge. Tian glares at her with disgust. "I can't believe we got behind this slow team," she bitches. And how did they get there? By being slower than this "slow team," so they can just shut it.
Commercials. I don't care what they say. They'll never convince me that KFC chicken strips aren't made from cut-up Wonder Bread.
Back on the mountain, Debra remains paralyzed on the cable bridge. One of the models voices over that they were surprised to see Debra and Steve at the Detour, although it's not clear whether that's because she thought they wouldn't do the bridge, or because she thought they were farther ahead, or because she forgot that there were other teams, or what. Tian starts across the bridge behind Debra, which I'm surprised they would allow, considering that it doesn't seem particularly safe. Debra makes it all the way over to the end part of the bridge, but she's too scared to let go of the sides enough to climb up over the end. And now Jaree goes across also, so they both end up backed up right behind her. God, what kind of safety supervision do these people have? thing you know, Debra is climbing up off the bridge, and Tian is giving her a boost from behind. "Come on, let's go," she says. This all comes in the form of "help," but it's nothing but self-interest (and, of course, understandably so). When everybody clears the bridge, Debra still needs a moment, so the girls scurry past, with Tian apologizing for some reason. She has nothing to apologize for, really, but it's nice that she tossed that out.
Elsewhere, David and Jeff are reading the pit stop clue. Despite the fact that it tells them to make their way to the pit stop, they spot a red and yellow flag at the bottom of the hill, which turns out to be the location of the snowmobiles from the other Detour option. They run to the flag, and despite the fact that the clue does not say to take a snowmobile, and despite the fact that they presumably saw the Detour explanation that talked about taking the snowmobiles as part of the other option, they try to take one. "You cannot have it," says the guy guarding it. So David goes to the snowmobile. Yeah, that's likely -- you can't have that one, but you can have the one in the row. "No snowmobile," says the snowmobile guard. They voice over that they were confused by this, because they thought they were supposed to use the snowmobiles. Not rocket scientists, these boys.
Tian and Jaree do the zip line, followed by Debra and Steve.
David and Jeff are making their way along the hike to the pit stop, having finally stopped obsessing over the snowmobiles. "Having run a few marathons, I think this was more grueling than a marathon," one of them says. I guess the reason I'm glad they pointed that out is that I've seen quite a lot of comments this week to the effect that it was obvious that some of these people had no business being cast, because they could barely walk, were so out-of-shape, blah dee blah. I'm not sure adequate weight (heh) was given to the fact that this was an incredibly difficult leg physically, and being knocked around by it hardly makes you a candidate for a nursing home. In fact, I would say that completing it -- even slowly -- means that you aren't really in all that miserable of a physical state. Anyway, whichever of these guys it is points out that at this altitude, this hike was very hard on the lungs.
Debra and Steve ride the zip line. "Now, I just saw the girls. They're not hellaciously far ahead of us," Steve tells her.
Up ahead, Tian and Jaree are working their way along the hike. "Jaree!" Tian yells, as Jaree asks for a minute to catch her breath. "What is wrong with you? Let's go!"
Amazing Mat. Here come Chip and Reichen, checked in as team number nine. They high-five and hug.
Back with Tian and Jaree, Tian is trying to get her to keep walking. "Don't give up," she says. "I'm not givin' up, it's just too much cardio for me in one day," Jaree says. Heh. They keep trudging. "That's what twenty years of smoking does," Jaree complains as she gasps for breath. Twenty years? When did she start smoking, anyway? Sheesh. "My heart was coming out of my chest," she voices over. "That's, like, the hardest thing I ever did." See what I mean? You don't have to be a couch potato to be flattened by this thing.
Debra and Steve trudge uphill.
Tian and Jaree have discovered a new method of getting uphill, which I guess would either be called Horse-and-Plow or Car-and-U-Haul, depending on what era you'd like to adopt as your frame of reference. Tian, who still has energy left, lets a backpack strap trail behind her, and she lets Jaree hang onto it for an extra lift as they haul up the mountain. It's awfully difficult for me to believe that's a rational thing to do, quite honestly, but it seems to help them, so...whatever.
Hiking, hiking, hiking. Everyone is about to die. (Doesn't that sound like a camp song?)
David and Jeff, completely winded, complete the hike, followed by Tian and Jaree. "I swear I'll never lift another cigarette in my life," Jaree mutters to herself as she walks. Oh, all right. I don't completely hate them. They're on the list, but in pencil. These last three teams are all shown reaching the chair lift at roughly the same time, but I suspect it was more spread out than that, because you can't ever see more than one team in the same shot. At any rate, David and Jeff are first into a cab, so it's coming down to Tian and Jaree and Debra and Steve. The editors are good -- it does look close, despite the fact that I'm betting it wasn't.
David and Jeff are the first to The Amazing Mat. Welcome, David and Jeff, you are team number ten. They tell us that they're not happy, but they're still in it. And hey -- it could be worse. They could be eleventh, which would be worse than tenth, or they could be twelfth, which would also be worse. Give 'em a hand! "My lungs hurt more than my pride does," Jeff says.
Tian and Jaree in their cab. Debra and Steve in their cab. Cab POV arriving at the hotel. Phil and the greeter waiting on the mat. The suspense! Is! Killing me! And! Coming around the corner and up the stairs! It's! Well, it's Tian and Jaree, unsurprisingly. Welcome, you're team number eleven. They low-five Phil.
To the soft and reassuring music of Someone Has To Be First Out, Debra and Steve step on the mat, and are Philiminated. "Despite all the emotional and physical damage we've done to ourselves, we've had a good time," Steve laughs. Debra says that she did things today that she would have never thought she'd do, and that's a good thing. They smooch. "What's most important to me is Debra," Steve voices over, "and the fact that I'm going to get to spend every day with her for the rest of my life." Aw.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Extreme sledding, without the sled! A gondola battle, without a guy singing "O Sole Mio"! A masked orgy, just like in Eyes Wide Shut! My, that does seem like we'll have a full plate.