Previously on Hit the Ball, Drag Flo: Vietnam proved to be Flo's undoing, to whatever degree she wasn't already undone. The choo-choo chew-chewed her up and spit-spit her out, the bikes knocked the Schwinn out of her, and the boats presented a Titanic challenge. (Oh, shut up, it could be worse. There was originally a "her life is a living hull" joke in that sentence, so thank your lucky stars you escaped with your life.) Come harpy or high water, however, Zen-like Zach persevered and managed to get them to the end of the leg, albeit in last place. Teri and Ian snapped and spit and sputtered along the way, but they ultimately sped into first place and spoke of their love for each other at the pit stop in a way that was right on the borderline between endearing and just plain unsettling. You know, it's surprising how fine that line really is. Ken and Gerard struggled with yet another flat tire and a few more issues relating to gravity and the proximity of one's nose to the floor, but they held on to their usual good humor and finished second. And they hit each other in the head, but we're pretty sure they didn't mean it.
No credits. Who took the [BOMP] from the [BOMP]-sh-[BOMP]...oh, forget it. You get the idea. (It's a good thing there aren't any more trivia requirements, because I was so tired of research that I was about to be reduced to looking around my apartment for things I could tell you about. There are thirty-five slats on my vertical blinds, for instance, and I own forty-five chick movies, not counting the musicals.)
It's time to eat, sleep, and mingle again, and it appears that somebody has become addicted to room service, because yet again, all the teams are in a nice hotel to rest up for the big finish. I think this is the first race where they're going to come home with backpacks full of terrycloth robes and little bottles of complimentary shampoos with those strange half-institutional, half-dreamy names like "Luxurious Host" and "Residence Moonlight." My first complaint regarding this season's final leg? Not rank enough. I want more stinking! Seriously, there should be green squiggly lines leading away from your body at this point. I want to see people so tired they can't summon the energy to comb their hair. I want to see spines that are twisted into Mobius strips from too many nights spent sleeping on benches and concrete floors. I want to see dirt under the fingernails. Seriously? More stinking.
Commercials. Buy your movie tickets online. All the dumb-ass nineteen-year-olds are doing it.
Flo continues to hope that Asshat is not going to show up anytime soon, but...here they come. Ian works the counter, but Teri is on the phone, and she winds up booking the same flight as the other two teams. They make a run through the airport to the gate. When they get there, no one is happy to see them. "Do you really think we'd let you get away without saying goodbye?" Ian says in that way that's supposed to sound like he's teasing, but is actually a complete screw-you. Gerard laughs graciously. Music thumps as the teams board the flight. So here we are again, all bunched up heading into the final city. The Amazing Yellow Line shows the little hop to Honolulu, and then the big haul to Seattle.
Oh, and in other news, on this flight, a couple of racers couldn't keep their yaps shut, and babbled to other people on the flight about what they were doing and where they'd been and what tasks they'd performed along the way. Therefore, spoilers flew around online from about the second week of the race, giving away the final teams. Thanks a lot, yap-flappers, for seriously sucking a good part of the fun out of the season. You couldn't have stayed quiet for one more freaking day? Just a little piece of business I wanted to get out of the way.
Anyway, on the flight, Teri explains that she knows she has "something left" for the final sprint to the finish. "I'm sure that all of these other teams do, but mine is just a little better." Goodness, aren't we confident all of a sudden? Zach talks about how he and Flo are young and strong and pretty and blah dee blah, so obviously all these oldsters have no chance. He sugarcoats it slightly, but that's the idea. Gerard says they have a "very good chance of winning," provided they keep up their energy level along the way. Quick shots of the final six racers speed past as they look resolutely ahead.
We fly directly into the Space Needle (ow!) and then the plane lands, bringing us into the home stretch. Everyone runs out of the airport and grabs taxis. Ken and Gerard are the first to get away from the airport in their cab, followed by FloZach. "As fast as you can go," Zach urges. Teri and Ian are last. They ask their driver if he knows where he's going, and he says he doesn't, but he can try to follow one of the other cabs. Ian points out that the other cabs are already gone.