Previously on Yodel-Lay-Me-Drew: Down on the farm, Derek and Drew and Jill and John Vito tried to give Teri and Ian a bum steer. Teri and Ian, no spring chickens, didn't allow it to get their goat, although the whole incident did make Jill feel sheepish. We inevitably saw the show explore that most mundane of travel complaints -- losing your luggage. Jill rocked the boat. Flo and Drew were sitting in a tree, W-H-I-N-I-N-G. Oh, that was just Flo, actually. John Vito tried archery and found that he wasn't exactly the apple of his own eye. Flo's backpack crawled off her back, landed on the ground, sprouted legs, sprouted eyes, rolled the eyes, stretched the legs, and said, "I will walk up the Alps myself if you will please shut the hell up." Teri had issues with her pants. (You probably won't believe me at this point if I tell you this is going to be a theme.) The Roadblock-challenged John Vito and Jill found themselves in a dash to the mat against the goat-challenged Ken and Gerard. In the end, JVJ landed on the mat last, but dodged Philimination. "Who will be eliminated..." Evolution brings about the lengthening of giraffe necks. "...in tonight's special two-hour episode of The Amazing Race?" Does Phil not understand the power of preserving a tagline once you've established it?
Credits. According to the Social Issues Research Centre's Guide to Flirting, 55 percent of any first impression is based on appearance, 38 percent on style of speaking, and seven percent on the content of what is said. It takes two to four people to lift a full-sized wheel of Switzerland cheese. The current seven-gear model of the Swiss Army Bicycle has attachments to hold machine guns, bazookas, and grenade launchers. Seven-tenths of Switzerland's land area is covered with mountains. [BOMP.]
Hey, what's with the snowy mountainous terrain? Isn't Team Guido home yet? Oh, no, these are those other snowy mountains -- the Alps. I get it. Phil explains that we are in Switzerland, home of the lovely chalet he is currently showing off, and also incidentally the country whose Army inspired the extremely tiny knife I recently received as a five-year service award from my employer. It has tweezers and a plastic toothpick, as well as a blade powerful enough to skin a goldfish were such an action ever required, so I am sure you are quite jealous. Where was I? Oh, yes. We see the teams enjoying their "mandatory rest period," and I assume that eating, sleeping, and mingling were all encouraged, but this week, Phil continues to shake things up and be the kee-razy guy he is by not saying so. He skips directly to the part where they don't have any idea what's in store for them. We do get to see Kenny rub Gerard's head. I'm assuming that's for luck, although I suppose it could also be a polishing ritual of some kind. Phil wonders aloud whether The Most Vacant Romance Since Freddie And Sarah Michelle will continue, as we see Flo coyly suck down a roasted marshmallow all, "Hey, Drew, want S'more?" In fact, he's probably chewing up the graham crackers and drinking the melted chocolate in preparation for some kind of "mingling" that I really do not want to contemplate. Anyway, Phil also wonders whether JVJ will finally go for the FF, given that they're the only team left who can.
4:55 AM. Derek and Drew. Wow, there are no good hints for me at all about who's who today -- nobody is wearing red or blue, at least that I can discern right now. They may have finally melted into one guy, who then just divided himself in half. It's some kind of dilution process. Anyway, I believe it's Derek who reads the clue telling them that their clue is at Gletscherschlucht. You know, it's a good thing I make an extra ten bucks every time I have to spell a word with more than fifteen letters -- they should stay in Germany and Switzerland forever! Phil explains to us that this is the name of a big glacial gorge that's right in town in Grindelwald. The teams will hike into the gorge, where they will find that, off the path, there is a row of keys on hooks. They need to grab a key that will start one of the spoon-fed cars that will take them out of town. The twins note that the hours of operation for the glacier hike begin at 9:00 AM. Furthermore, only forty bucks are available. They have a bit of a funny moment about counting the forty bucks (which is in the form of two hard-to-count twenties), and then they take off. A heavily chopped-up voice-over from Drew indicates that he's single and ready to mingle. Even with Flo. Well, even with an unnamed member of another team, but I don't think he's talking about Jill, because John Vito would squish his head like an overripe peach, and I don't think he means Teri, because ew. In fact, Derek and Drew are waiting to "powwow with Zach and Flo."
Speaking of FloZach, here they are, taking off at 4:56 AM. Flo is certainly trying to make an impression on someone, because she looks totally different all of a sudden, like she just got back from the salon or something. Ah, what the presence of a boy who might be prettier than you are will do to a girl. As she and Zach walk off, Flo voices over that although Zach is "great" (read: "present"), Drew is "older" (read: "a model"), and "more grounded" (read: "did I mention he's a model?"). She goes on to say that Drew being "a little bit more sure of himself" is what she finds so very enchanting. Well, they do say that opposites attract. Blah dee blah, she lurves him, because he's purty, and quite honestly, no one cares. Except Flo. Because she cares passionately about everything, as long as it's about her.
Nerd Lust navigates its way toward the hill where the glacier gorge (I can only get the ten-letter-word bonus once per word per recap) is located. They decide that since they can't even do anything until 9:00, they'll just hit a hotel for a rest. For four hours. For God's sake, they can't even sleep outside for four hours? They're on a race with limited funds, and they're going to pay an overnight rate for a place to nap? Dummies. Furthermore, a twin uses the word "flippin'" as a swear word. Wow, I thought they only did that on the broadcast version of The Breakfast Club.
5:03 AM. Asshat. Teri, in an interview, explains that no one has tried to be their ally, because they all think she and the Hat are "an easy target" and not a threat and so forth. Of course it never occurs to her that their thoroughly ugly behavior might actually have something to do with why no one wants to play with them. She is so obnoxious. Ian, on the other hand, claims in his interview that for the other teams, "[the] focus is to try to get us out of the race because they fear us." You'll notice that his comment and her comment are diametrically opposed -- she claims they're underestimated by everyone; he claims they're feared by everyone. Who knew they'd disagree? Oh, those two crazy kids.
5:07 AM. The Bald Snark. Gerard, accompanied by the sad foreshadowing music, explains that it's been a long time since he saw his family, and he really misses them. It turns out that he has two-year-old twins. Aww. He says he tries not to think about them, because it would make him sad. Well, it's a good thing he never has to see any twins, then.
5:08 AM. John Vito and Jill read the clue and start walking from the pit stop. Jon Bon Vito says that finishing last in the non-elimination leg was "horrible" and they hated it. Their "game plan" is just staying out of last place. They chat a little about their still-available Fast Forward as they walk toward up the glacier hill, still in the dark.
Nerd Lust is on its way back to the hotel where the Pit Stop was, while the rest of the teams are apparently planning to wait by the place where the hike will be. JVJ have a Grindelwald guidebook, and as the Bald Snark watches from afar, they open it and check up on the destination. JVJ is first to the charming little lodge that apparently is serving as a place for them to wait for the hike. Ken and Gerard arrive shortly thereafter. Both teams are surprised that Nerd Lust is not present.
Asshat, meanwhile, is lost, and is flagging down traffic trying to find its way to the glacier. A friendly fellow in a truck helps them out, and before you know it, they join the frontrunners at the lodge. Stop helping, friendly truck guy.
At this point, we adjourn to the Nerd Lust suite, where the Music Guys and the Amazing Editors get all sweaty from the strain of trying to make it look like there's some great intrigue going on involving Zach's repressed jealousy and the great tension that this whole Drew flirtation is causing between him and Flo. In fact, Zach is just kind of tired. I mean, I don't think he likes being abandoned by his partner, but I really don't think he's pining for Flo. Nevertheless, psychotic and tense music is played over footage of Flo trying to entice Drew by trying to stare at Drew in a sexy fashion. And then she makes a sort of a fishface. Heh. Somehow, the music is implying that Zach's bland expression is the result of his great romantic agony, but given how boring everything going on in the room actually is, that hardly seems like the most likely explanation. Flo. Drew. Flo. Drew. Tinkly piano. Bored Zach. Whatever. This is by far the most Real World moment they've ever had on this show, including the pointless shot of the moon. Of course, if it really were The Real World, they'd be playing music where some girl sings about the time she fell in love with one of a pair of twins while on a race around the world with her platonic best friend. I am half-expecting to see a close-up of a fork lying on the ground. Fork-fork-FOOORK! The best part is where they cut to Flo and Drew in bed together, which is real sexy except for the part where (1) he's staring at the ceiling; (2) they're not touching; (3) Derek is lying at the foot of the bed; and (4) everyone has all their clothes on. Other than that, though, they're totally practically doing it.
Meanwhile at the Spellentoughenlongenworden Lodge, John Vito goes to bed in a lime-green sleep mask. Man, he just blew right by Esquire for the ugliest sleep mask shot of all time. And he's not even mouth-breathing. Asshat and the Bald Snark are sleeping on benches at the lounge as well. Ian makes a weird air-puffing noise, like he's either snoring with his hands up over his face or he's doing raspberries for no reason.
Here comes Nerd Lust, apparently done with their non-exciting and non-sexual night of non-jealousy and non-lust. They walk toward the glacier, where John Vito is looking at some of the information about the gorge, which seems to suggest a challenging hike. When Nerd Lust arrives, a twin asks whether the gathering of racers already at the entrance is "some kind of line." Ian, correct on the substance and a creep in the execution, as is so often the case, says, "Yeah, we got here first, man." Unfortunately for Ian, he has the worst and most aggressive karma since that unleashed by the Untipped Cabbie, so as soon as they all get through the entrance, they find that it's just a hike, so the line is pretty much irrelevant, which means that the twins need about four seconds to leave Teri and Ian in the dust. A particularly adept camera guy grabs Ian resolutely tromping along, and then slides over to show the row of keys -- which everyone has just walked right past. Wow, nice catch. Crazy music plays, and it immediately occurs to me that it's the same psycho-jangle that was used when Aahab put diesel in their car. The utter sickness of the fact that I notice this is exceeded only by the fact that I go back to the TiVo to make sure I'm right. Which I am. At any rate, the Psycho Diesel Jingle quickly gives way to Zach, who apparently does realize now that they just walked right by the keys. He goes back toward them along the path with Flo. It suddenly becomes apparent to everyone what's just happened, so they all run back and find the little row of keys a little ways off the path. Flo mentions how they had walked right by it "like idiots." Yeah, quite a lot like idiots, actually. Funny how that works. Everyone but Asshat grabs their keys pretty quickly, but Ian takes a little time to clamber down to the spot. Everyone runs out and jumps in their spoon-fed cars, which all have clues sitting on the dash. It tells them that they need to go to Kandersteg, where they'll drive their cars onto a train. The train will take them through the mountains, and then they'll have to drive themselves to an adventure park that features a big red bridge. And when I say "big," I am saying "big." In the sense of "high." In the sense of "buy insurance." In the sense of "leave a will."
Jill and John Vito get out first, followed by FloZach and Derek and Drew. Well, they will be followed by Derek and Drew, once Derek can get the car going. "Why aren't you driving?" Drew yells at him from the back seat as Derek hunts for, I think, the parking brake. In the Bald Snark car, Kenny tells Gerard to "get [his] map skills going." Last out of the parking lot are a lagging Teri and Ian. He complains that they're "playing catch-up." Does he ever do anything other than complain? I mean, seriously, does the guy have another agenda item that he's going to get to someday? Because if this is going to be the entire floor show, I'd like to request that someone knock me out with a giant pitcher of margaritas and not wake me up for a week. Shut up, Ian.
Everyone makes their way down a windy road in the Alps. JVJ decides that it's time to check out the Fast Forward. Phil explains that in this FF, the team has to go to a "traditional cheese-making cabin" and find a big wheel of cheese that's been cut into little blocks. They have to eat as much of the cheese as it takes to find the FF under the cheese and uncover it completely. In the car, Jill and JV make the decision to go for the Fast Forward. Of course, knowing now where the eliminations do and do not occur, it's easy to criticize this decision, but assuming that they didn't know that CBS already knew about the two-hour episode, they had no reason to think we'd have two non-eliminations and then two eliminations rather than the alternating that's taken place in past seasons. This was probably the right place, based on past events, for them to take the FF. Anyway, they set off in search of the cheese.
In their cars, both FloZach and the Bald Snark discuss the clue about the car train. It appears that Gerard didn't give the clue a particularly thorough read at first, because it takes a minute for the car train thing to sink in. "Ohhhhh," he says, realizing he needs to get them to Kandersteg, rather than heading for any other intermediate destination. Bad Gerard! Read the clue first! But wait, now you can get that scholarship to Harvard Law!
As JVJ approaches the FF cabin, Jill speculates with a nervous smile about the task ahead. "I hope it's good cheese. What if it's smelly cheese? What if it smells like feet? You know how some cheese smells like feet?" John Vito moans. Hee. They arrive at the cabin and head inside, first taking note of the many cows grazing outside. "Oh my God, all these cows," Jill notes in a general way. "Where do you think all the cheese came from?" John Vito logically points out. "Oh my God, I'm gonna vomit," Jill says as they step inside and are, most likely, hit with an overwhelming cheese odor. Wow, this is like Cheese City. It's Cheesetown. It's Cheeseburg. Suffice it to say that Shack has seen this cabin in his nightmares. (Don't get him started on cheese. It's this thing.) When they get in there, we see that it really is a pretty impressive wheel of cheese they have to contend with. Jill calls it "slimy." Ick. "We can't eat all this cheese," John Vito says dejectedly. Of course, they don't have to eat all of it -- if they eat strategically, they shouldn't have to eat much more of it than necessary to uncover the clue. She makes him go first, and he pulls out a piece and eats it. No clue is revealed underneath. Calling the cheese "disgusting," she then takes a block right to the one JV took -- no, Jill, look around the wheel for the card! Look around! It's also kind of sad that they view the cheese with such fear and loathing, because it's probably fancy-pants million-dollar Swiss cheese, and there are likely a lot of very proud cheese-makers standing behind every slimy bite. John Vito still thinks the cheese is a losing proposition, but he does encourage Jill to at least "bounce around" until they locate the clue. There is a pause as they try to chew the cheese. "Look at how thick this cheese is," John Vito says, a little incredulous. "Can we not think about it, and just do it, please?" Jill laughs. They are such an old married couple, and I say that in the nice, not-like-the-actual-old-married-couple kind of way. John Vito continues to argue that the cheese is too much and they should quit. Wow, you never know what's going to do a guy in. Skydiving? Fine. Smelly vats? No problem. Rappelling? You betcha. Cheese? He's outta here!
Elsewhere, Flo thinks that she and Zach are lost, because she can't find Kandersteg on the map. "If you find it, I'll be embarrassed," she set-ups. Of course, this is the cue for Zach to find it, and for her to act not all that grateful. They pull into the car train line and learn that the train is at 10:40. It's currently 10:25.
Back at the cheese challenge, Jill takes another piece of cheese and threatens to throw up again. ["I love cheese more than almost any other food, but even I found the cheese chunks a bit daunting, because of the size of said chunks. Cubing the cheese a bit smaller might have made it a little less sick-making. Aaaand that concludes this week's installment of 'Sars Overthinks The Show.'" -- Sars]
Derek and Drew find their way to the car train. Asshat is following. Ken and Gerard are arriving as well. Nerd Lust meets up, and as they check the map and the clue again and talk about what they'll do when they get there, Flo notes the arrival of the Bald Snark and Asshat. Asshat gets out of the car, and as everyone stands around, they wind up chatting with some guys who tell them that the red bridge they're seeking in the adventure park is used for bungee jumping. Teri does not consider this good news, and she actually turns around and voluntarily puts her head on Ian's shoulder. Well, it's nice to know that once every fifty years they act like they don't hate each other. The Bald Snark approaches, and Asshat tells them about the upcoming bungee jump. "Go tell Flo," Teri says with disgust. Ian goes off in search of FloZach. When he finds them, Ian says, "Did you find out what we do at the red bridge yet?" You will not be shocked to hear that the way he says it is very, very snotty. "It's bungee, baby." Flo looks at him with hatred (or so it is implied) as we go to pre-break Slo-Flo-Cam.
Commercials. Something about Britney Spears in an animated Christmas special makes me want to put more clothes on. That is all.
Cheesefest. JVJ are continuing to eat. "Hurry up," she urges. Suddenly, the music launches into an energetic yodel that reminds me of the music from the "Mountain Climber" game on The Price Is Right. The melody is different, however. If you were here, I would gladly yodel the original for your enjoyment. Of course, all I really remember about that game other than the music is that, at least in 1990 dollars (when I watched TPIR in college), you could never go wrong in Mountain Climber by guessing $15, $25, and $35. Not that this is really about that. At any rate, JVJ do eventually locate the clue, so now they just have to finish uncovering it. When they do, Jill threatens to throw up one last time, and then they run back out to their car, probably about to encounter quite a bit of digestive upset. Phil explains that they can proceed directly to the pit stop, which is a steamship on Lake Geneva that they will reach by paddleboat. What's really funny is that while Jill is discussing the fact that she saw the place they have to find on the map before, you can tell that she's still working on digesting the cheese, which seems to be trying to creep back up her esophagus.
Everyone drives onto the car train, which then takes off. FloZach winds up on the train just in front of the twins, and when they get going, she bails out of the FloZach car to go and sit with Drew and Derek. Here is an example of the charged Flo/Drew banter to which we are subjected. Flo: "What if we get eliminated today because I didn't want to bungee?" Drew: "Well, that's what you have to think of, right?" I'm sorry, is that it? God. I've had sexier exchanges going through airport security. Flo voices over that they're "innocently flirting." It's kind of sad when you have to explain that what you're doing is supposed to be flirting. She's really not very good at it. Zach voices over that it's "a little strange" being stuck by himself in the FloZachmobile. He apparently doesn't realize at this point that he will soon only wish that he could travel alone and ship Flo separately.
Elsewhere, Teri claims to be considering whether she wants to jump or not.
As the train ride ends, Flo gets out of the twin car and jumps in behind Zach. They exchange "hey"s, and he looks at the map. The music attempts to convince you that he is upset and jealous. In fact, he is looking at the map, because someone has to, and if he leaves it to Flo, they will wind up in Norway. When the train pulls in, the teams make tracks and head in the direction of the adventure park and the red bridge. For whatever reason, Derek and Drew are still attempting navigation by compass, and Drew apparently can't make the compass work at all, which -- surprise, surprise -- makes Derek yell at him some more. (Maybe he can't work the compass because the red needle points incessantly at his steely eyes.) I swear, if this team has a signature image, it's Derek screeching at Drew from the front seat. Actually, perhaps being used to all that screeching is why Drew doesn't mind Flo. "You have a compass disability, and it's severe," Derek laments.
As FloZach drives, Zach smiles and says that he saw the red bridge, which he describes as "a very small bridge spanning a very large gap." You can tell he's thinking with amused dread about what a wonderful experience it's going to be to share this moment with Flo. She says she's "feeling severe, severe anxiety." There's a shocker for you. We see the twin car, and Drew voices over that he was really feeling a little unsure himself about whether he wanted to jump off something that was quite this high up. Gerard sees it, too, and pronounces it "horrifying." I must admit that it is pretty damn high. And pretty damn small.
Asshat, as usual, is struggling. Their navigation skills have failed them, and he's demanding that she tell him where to go. I could tell him where to go, of course, but that's a little different. Nerd Lust and the Bald Snark, however, arrive at the red bridge at approximately the same time. There is some running around looking for the clue, and when they all break for it, there's actually a bit of a scuffle in which Kenny apparently tries to body-slam Drew on the way down the little hill. Or maybe the other way around. ["It looked to me like Ken just lost his footing." -- Sars] Either way, it doesn't work. They all wind up pulling the clue, and it's the week's Detour. The choices are Extreme Swiss and Very Swiss. (Another bad Detour name, but I guess I should be used to it by now.) In Extreme Swiss, you make the bungee jump. Pro? Fast. Con? The possibility of winding up as a pasty smear on the floor of the gorge. In Very Swiss, you go to a goat farm and grab a bell off a goat. Pro? Goats have very little bloodlust. Con? Theoretically slower. But Phil says that there are only seventy-five goats, and there are presumably at least five keys if there's one per team, and there may even be ten if there's one per person, so it's not going to take terrifically long to find one. In fact, Phil says (with reference to the goats), "Completing this task might take a long time." Yeah. Or not.
Derek and Drew do the purist racer thing and go for the bungee jump. Flo, meanwhile, says the bungee is not happening, and she's doing the goats. Probably not wanting to risk another rappelling-type freak-out, Zach doesn't argue. Encouraged by the fact that they won't be the only wimps, Gerard and Ken bail as well and head for the goats. "Don't die!" Kenny yells to the twins as they leave. Just as FloZach and the Bald Snark leave the place where they got the clue, Asshat arrives. They note the teams leaving, and realize that they probably couldn't have already done the jump, so they probably bailed on it. In the FloZach car, Zach says that he would have liked to do the jump, even though it would have been "scary as hell." Flo looks grim. In the Bald Snark car, meanwhile, Ken says simply, "I didn't go for the bungee jump, because I'm a big, fat wuss." From the back, Gerard says, "I don't want to die. I have children." Kenny, in the front seat: "I don't want him to die, either, 'cause he's got children." Hee! I don't want either of them to die. Does that mean I'm going soft?
Back at the bridge, Derek and Drew reach the middle and prepare for the jump. Derek will be going first, so that he can then scream at Drew to get going. They strap Derek in, and I swear it looks like he's jumping while being held up solely by foot cuffs secured with Velcro, and I'm just sure that can't be right. I'm certainly hoping that when one takes one's life in one's hands, one has better fasteners than those used to close lace-free sneakers.
Asshat grabs the Detour clue. Teri is a little too slow for the Hat, so he yells at her (again), "Come!" She does. Because apparently being ordered around like a yellow Lab doesn't bother her. He hands her the clue and crosses his arms angrily because she's so slow. They stare at each other, and for a minute, I think they're being such jerks that they can't possibly take this seriously and they're going to crack up, thus increasing my regard for them by a factor of ten, but they don't. Instead, he barks, "We're way behind if we're not going to do this!" Excuse me, but you're way behind anyway. He's talking like she should have done something different up to this point if she weren't going to jump, which makes no sense at all. He orders her to "open this thing up." She does. When he asks her what she thinks about the Detour, she says she wants to do the goats. First he says that's all right, and she starts to leave, but then he has to stop and point out that he's willing to jump, so it's just her screwing them up. She says that she was willing to skydive, but the bungee jump is out of the question. Interestingly, you'll recall that they took the donkey cart and not the skydiving, so apparently he's the one who didn't want to jump that time. That's actually probably why he threw in this comment -- to clarify that she might expect he wouldn't want to do it, and if that's why she's saying no, he's saying he would do it. Wait a minute, did I just rationalize Ian? Ew. In the car on the way to the goats, Teri says she was just ultimately too scared to jump. Ian snots (as he so often has) that "this will probably be [their] undoing." He certainly does have that positive attitude I associate with frustrated four-year-olds. Shut up, Ian.
In a voice-over, Ian explains that he and Teri can be "hard on" each other, but he insists that it works just fine for them. Well, of course it does. That's why they're so happy all the time -- everything's great! Seriously, hearing him say "it works in the dynamics of our relationship" is all well and good, but it doesn't change a damn thing. They can still stay as far away from me as possible.
Derek is preparing to jump, and fortunately, he does seem to have a harness on now. I really was hoping the Velcro socks weren't all that was standing between Derek and certain death at the bottom of the gorge. He jumps. It's nice that the jump is so big that he actually has time to yell "Holy shit!" on the way down. Derek, in short, has a lot of time to dilly-dally while he floats downward, because 620 feet doesn't go fast, no matter how freely you let gravity operate on you. And at the bottom? "Woooo!" You knew it was coming. Back up at the top, Drew comments that he has to go now, because Derek went, but it's "a long ways down."
Speaking of Flo, she and Zach are on the trail of the goats. They and the Bald Snark find the place with little difficulty. Zach thinks that they can get the Detour done fairly quickly. "I love goats," Zach says. Is it wrong that I love Zach a little bit? At any rate, music that seems to have been inspired by that horrible Gary Glitter song from every baseball game in the history of ever starts up as the teams go to chase the goats. (Goats: "Aaaaaah!") Many amusing goat close-ups follow. Interestingly, these are curly-haired goats that look more like sheep to me, because I mostly see goats at the state fair, where they're usually the short-haired kind, I guess. Someone with a finger on the editing equipment who doesn't like Flo sets this up so that she says, "Hi, babies!" and the goats all scatter. (Goats: "God, shut up.") The goats aren't all that hot on being stalked by strangers, so they comedically attempt to get away. It's a good thing their legs are so short, because the racers are really not spry at this point.
Bridge Of Death. Apparently, after he was finished, Derek was brought back up to the bridge again, because he's now encouraging Drew. Derek tells Drew to "own it." Whatever that means. Whatever it is, it sounds like football practice. Or possibly a porn movie rehearsal. Derek voices over that although he was being reassuring to Drew, he actually was feeling pretty concerned that Drew might not do it. Will Drew jump? Well, we've already seen him make at least one self-destructive decision that could lead to pain and screaming, so I suppose he might well make another.
Commercials. Go away, Mike Myers. There's got to be a hole you can hide in.
Derek is still giving Drew the pep talk. "Unbelievable." "Awesome." "Take a good dive." Drew still looks like he just ate a frog. Nevertheless, he straps in and takes the jump. "Aaaaaaaaah!" And at the bottom? "Wooo!" I wonder if tape of me would reveal that I unwittingly say "Woo!" as much as these people do, because they say it a lot. And they don't seem to notice. "Okay, I'm fine now," Drew says as he dangles. Heh.
The lonely goatherds are still chasing their quarry around the pen. Kenny grabs one by sort of sneaking up and sitting on it. He pulls the key, and they're off. They go up to the red-and-yellow flag and open a little compartment with their names on it. Inside, there's a cell phone. FloZach gets their key as well, and they open up their compartment and retrieve their cell phone. The phones come with a clue that says that they need to go to a route marker at the Chateau de Chillon on Lake Geneva, but that before they leave, they can use the cell phone to call their loved ones. Of course, the longer you talk, the farther behind you get, because you can't leave until you're through talking. Have we mentioned that these are T-Mobile phones? Because they are T-Mobile phones. From the T-Mobile people. At T-Mobile. The show would like you not to miss it, lest said T-Mobile people wind up thinking they didn't get much bang for their product placement buck. T-Mobile T-Mobile T-Mobile. Gerard is especially excited to read the clue. Phil elaborates on the clue, the chateau, and the devilish question of whether to stay on the phone or whether to get moving. Gerard actually can't finish reading the clue because he's misting up. Aww. Zach is excited as well.
The first call is Gerard, calling home, where his wife and his mom and dad are waiting by the phone. His wife picks up. He tells her how much he misses her, and he checks up on the kids. Very cute. Mrs. Gerard seems very sweet, as you would expect. Damn you, production types -- stop melting my cold, ruthless heart!
Oh, good. Flo is talking. This will restore the coldness and ruthlessness. The phone dials Zach's house. He gets on the phone with his sister Ariel, who looks a lot like him, except without the headband. Amusingly, he tells her he's fine, and then he tells her to please pay his credit card bill for him. Heh. She assures him that they paid it. He hands the phone off to Flo, who gets to talk to her "best friend" Lindsay. She is all excited. She manages to say "amazing" twice.
Asshat arrives just as the Bald Snark and FloZach are leaving. As soon as he sees them, Gerard tells them about the phone call. This makes Teri run up the hill, which is nice. It's good to know there are human beings somewhere in the world about whom she is happy. If you're only going to like two people on the entire earth, it's nice that they're your kids. She and Ian start in on the goats.
At the parking lot, Flo is yapping with her friend, while Kenny runs to the car. "Flo! Talk all day, Flo!" he yells happily. God, he is so cute. "Take your time, honey!" he yells again with a jaunty wave. "I love you, I love you," Flo babbles into the phone. She hangs up at last and runs to the car.
Drew is hauled back up onto the bridge after the jump, and he talks about how great it was, blah dee blah. He reads the Chateau de Chillon clue, and they leave. Of course, if this is being edited at all accurately, they saved practically no time by doing the jump. Damn, that is cold. Reckless/Chicken requires that reckless have an advantage, or it's pretty much Sucker/Chicken. They are happy about the prospect of the phone call, which this Detour choice also offers. Derek calls home, where his wife is waiting. She's young and pretty (unsurprisingly), and her shirt provides just a teeny bit more information than I really needed. It's basically side-of-breast information, to put it rather bluntly. She also slips into a baby-talk voice, so she does lose a point for that. Derek interviews about being a newlywed, and how it's hard to "go from that kind of companionship to...nothing." I think he misses all the conversation. He talks about how much he misses her, and then he says, "Drew, do you want to say hi to Mom real quick?"
God, that pissed me off. They've got Mom there to talk to Drew, but of course Derek assumes that when you say "loved ones at home," that means married people or people with kids, because single people have no important loved ones. Seriously, the fact that he would even ask that is just rude. What did he think Drew would say? "Oh, no, you just hang up. I'm just a single guy, so I don't miss my family or anything." We had this argument in the summer about the Big Brother family contact issue -- people who are single love and miss their friends and family too, and I honestly hope that Derek looks at this now and wants to whap himself on the head with a book, which is what I wanted to do. I also appreciate the "real quick," like, "I'm done talking, but you can say hi before we hang up." Shut up, Derek. Anyway, Drew talks to Mom, who sounds like she's very nice. I like their mom. She's also extremely pretty, which I guess shouldn't surprise me. Of course, before they hang up, Derek gets back on the phone with his wife, just to reinforce that that is the real purpose of the call, irrespective of the irrelevant Drew/Mom interruption. Shut up some more, Derek. I understand that you miss your wife, but the world is not solely about you simply because you're recently married. Man, I hate that.
In the Bald Snark cab, Gerard talks about how nice it was to talk to his wife. We did see Kenny and Gerard's parents, so I don't know if they talked to Kenny or not, but I suspect this conversation might be subject to the same dynamic. Gerard looks at pictures of his kids, who are really cute. Aww. In the FloZach car, he comments that he said he loved his sister a lot. Aww again. Flo says she told her friend she loved her a lot, too. Aww yet again. They talk about how buoyed they feel. Boy, I bet Flo is going to have an awesome attitude for the rest of this whole day, don't you think? Let's watch!
An oompah band follows Teri and Ian into the goat enclosure, where they work on the goats. Teri tries "baaa"-ing at one of them, which confuses it so much that she is able to grab the key. They go and open the clue and the phone. As they walk, they make the call. Teri's sister Phyllis answers, and the conversation between Teri and Phyllis is exactly what you would think it would be. "Hold on," Phyllis says, "Say hello to Brandon." Brandon, who looks a lot like his parents -- both of them, interestingly -- takes the phone, and immediately turns away from the camera. He excitedly says hello to Teri, and then Teri tells him how much she loves him and hands him over to Ian. "Hey, dude!" Ian yells. Yeah, yuck, but...I call my dad "Crablegs" and he calls me "Trashbags," so who am I to complain? (It's a long story.) Brandon happily greets his dad. You know, people have chattered a bit about this kid's behavior this week, but I really think he's just nervous and excited. He's got the TV, and he misses his mom and dad, and he's stuck there with Aunt Phyllis, who you just know is not fun at all, so...on second viewing, I think he's just nervous. His brother takes the phone , and much more the way you would expect from a teenage boy, mumbles everything. "Love you too," for example. Heh. "We're behind, I love you, bye!" Teri yells to him. I think that's funny for some strange reason. They hang up and leave for the Chateau, talking in their car about how proud they are of their kids. Which is fine. As I said, if they're going to be decent at one thing, it's good that it's their kids and not, like, talking to the dry cleaner.
The drunken cameramen careen over to Lake Geneva, where the ship awaits. Jill and John Vito have ridden the FF straight there, and now it's time for them to find the paddleboats. But before that, Jill has to touch up her lipstick. "I like to look pretty for Phil," she remarks. "You never know what it might get me." Oh, I hear you, Jill. I think that every day when I get up and brush my hair. They jump out of the car at the paddleboats and hop into one of the boats. They start paddling out toward the ship, a trip that really does look quite pleasant. When they get to the boat, they proceed up the stairs to the deck where Phil is standing with the mat. Congratulations, Jill and John Vito, you are team number one. And instead of a toy camera, we have decided this week to give you a week-long cruise, on which we suggest you wash your hands frequently and wear surgical masks, if you know what we mean. They hug. Aww.
Ken and Gerard approach the Chateau route marker . When they pull the clue, it's a Roadblock. This week's Roadblock is to put together a Swiss Army bike from a pile of parts. Man, if I hadn't already used this joke, I would totally have to wonder whether that bike has tweezers and a toothpick. I think I need another Switzerland angle. (And no, I'm sorry, neutrality just isn't that funny.) At any rate, they have a finished bike to use as a model, but they have to get a guy to certify the bike they make as correctly built before they can leave, because they're going to be riding the bikes when they go. Gerard takes the Roadblock for the Bald Snark. Kenny offers him some encouragement, and Gerard says, "I just don't want to disappoint you, Ken." Heh. I have a feeling Gerard wants more quiet and less encouragement, though it's just a guess. He remarks that putting together the bike is "like Christmas Eve at home."
Now, Derek and Drew reach the Roadblock. You'll notice, incidentally, that bungee jumping had absolutely no time advantage at all, so this is a very poorly designed leg all around. At first, Drew seems to think Derek should do it, but Derek deflects it back. I have to say that if I were Drew, I would have made Derek do it. He's much too pushy and demanding to sit and watch someone else work on something this complicated. I suspect that if anything, his "encouragement" will only make Drew more nervous.
Accompanied by more yodeling, we return to Gerard, who has apparently finished the bike, but who is told by Certification Guy that his bike is "not safe." He then realizes that he didn't put the chain on. Heh. He does the chain, and he and Kenny are sure it's "perfect," but CG says, "No good." CG is hard to please. He's like one of those fussy dogs that won't eat anything you feed it.
Elsewhere, FloZach is lost on their way to the Chateau. They get directions and get moving. Somewhere, Teri and Ian do the same.
Once again, CG breaks it to Gerard that the bike is "not safe," and Derek kibitzes while Drew tries to work. Gerard: "Perfect!" CG: "Not safe." After one more try, CG gives Gerard the go, and he and Kenny grab their clue. It tells them to bike to the paddleboats by the steamship. Phil tells us that it's a three-mile bike ride, so that's really not terribly far. Phil explains that the boat is still the pit stop for this leg. Thanks, Phil!
FloZach reads the clue, and at the mention of "nuts and bolts," Flo points at Zach and says, "You." Of course, she generally does. Drew is still working as Zach passes him and starts in on the bike. Derek? Still bitching. "Do it with your fingers like you did the other one!" Hee hee. I would say I'm twelve, but I may be less mature than that.
Ken and Gerard, adorable in their little helmets, are getting directions to the marina where they'll find the steamship.
Drew struggles. "Drew, try everything!" Derek demands. Because his attitude is so helpful. Zach is actually not particularly good at the task, either. Not too much manual labor at Vassar, I suppose. This is what happens when you expect poets to build stuff.
In their car, Asshat is looking for the Chateau, and then before you know it, they're at the clue. Ian sighs like an angry twelve-year-old girl at the Roadblock description, but does eventually take on the Roadblock. "Okay, fine," he says unhappily.
Finally, under Derek's eagle eye, Drew finishes the bike and is given clearance to leave. They ask for directions and get going.
Now it's just Ian and Zach, working away on the bikes. "It pays to have kids," Teri mutters. Ian says that he has put together some bikes in his day. Boy, I bet complex toy assembly is a pretty cheerful activity in the Asshat household. Considering that even my mild-mannered parents can get to wanting to strangle each other when they have to do tasks like that, I'd be surprised if the scenario under consideration here is very enjoyable. I envision a lot of screaming and throwing of wrenches.
Ken and Gerard reach the marina. Back at the bikes, Flo reports to Zach that Ian is having trouble with the brakes. Zach is like, "Brakes?" Hee. Then back to Ken and Gerard, frantically bicycling through what looks like a little park by the marina and then hopping into a paddleboat. Derek and Drew are close behind.
Zach is working on the bike. Work, Zach, work! Flo is watching, wearing her I-hate-you pouty-face. Because the best response to stress is to despise your partner for taking some time to do a task you refused to do. It's productive, pleasant, and fair! As she watches, Ian continues working on the Asshat bike.
Ken and Gerard arrive at the boat. "Hey, Phil, where are ya?" Kenny calls out just as they step on board. They find their way to Phil and hop on the mat. "Safe!" Kenny says in his best Mary Katherine Gallagher voice. "Don't even try it," he says to a scowling Phil. "Don't try it with the faces, we know we're ahead of these other people...do what you need to do, go ahead." "Do your shtick," Gerard allows. Phil unleashes the most glorious eyebrow-pop in the history of civilization right here. Damn, I love Phil. "Bring it on!" they say, beckoning him with their arms. "Ken and Gerard," Phil grins. "YAAY! Finally!" yells Kenny. He tells them they're team number two, and they yell "YAAY!" again and hug. Aww.
Ian has the Asshat bike checked, while Zach continues to work. We get a monster close-up of Zach's cheek, with a little bead of sweat on it. Hmm. I find my reaction to that quite unexpected after all these weeks and all those headbands under the bridge. Must be that old liberal-arts black magic kicking in. Let's not discuss it. Meanwhile, Asshat gets the clue and leaves Zach as the only one still working. Go, Zach, go!
Derek and Drew arrive at the marina and get in the paddleboats. Paddle, paddle, paddle.
Ian and Teri leave. Zach's bike is rejected by CG as "not safe." He works some more.
Here come Derek and Drew to the mat. Welcome, boys, you are team number three.
As Asshat pedals down the street, FloZach finally gets the clue and takes off. But before they do, Zach stops to take off the bottoms of his convertible pants/shorts so the legs don't get stuck in the bike. It looks like this takes about thirty seconds, tops, and then they leave. Of course, the real reason it looks like it takes Zach a while to get ready to go is that he has to do things like strap his helmet on, which Flo did while he was working on the damn bike. She whine-overs that this kept them from getting going immediately.
Asshat pedals. They ask for directions and get them, and keep going. Meanwhile, Flo begins her Great Downfall. Not that she had very far to fall, but this is the worst outburst of un-racer-ly behavior I have probably ever seen all in one giant burst, and it's about to get real ugly around here. "We lost," she snots to Zach as they ride. "We lost this entire race." He urges her to keep going. "We did, Zach! Everyone is in front of us!" she screeches. Now normally, "screech" in this context is hyperbole. But when Flo does it, it is actually screeching. She actually reaches that point where your voice pops up into a scream. "We can still beat Teri and Ian," he says. "We can't, because you decided to undo your pants!" she snots.
Elsewhere, Asshat continues pedaling. Teri's shirt is all hunched up and blowing in such a way that it looks like she has a giant hump, which I am not too mature to find amusing. As they ride, she falls off the bike. BLAM! Onto the pavement. Ow. Ian actually asks her if she's okay, to his credit. But then he says, "You gotta get up."
Commercials. Buy your tickets online -- all the stupid people are doing it!
FloZach is biking, unaware of Teri's troubles. Teri, on the other hand, is doing her best to get herself righted again. She tells Ian that the bike is broken. As he tries to fix it, Ian can't help snotting, "Aw, Teri." "I fell off on purpose," she says sarcastically. They're just such lovely people, really.
FloZach is madly pedaling. Well, Zach is madly pedaling. Flo is half-assedly pedaling. Everyone does a little more biking, and then Asshat is at the marina, spotting the steamship. FloZach is behind, and Zach is trying to push Flo, who is resisting. She's basically given up, convinced that it's all Zach's fault. Teri and Ian arrive at the paddleboats. Zach and Flo are at the marina also, but he doesn't see the boat. "The boats are over there, probably," Flo says, in a stereotypical, unbelievable half-weepy whine of the kind you'd think a grown woman couldn't probably produce if she weren't kidding. "Come on. Come on, Flo, we can still do it," he urges.
Asshat climbs into a paddleboat. "Come on, Teri," Ian says, which is good, because he never says that or anything.
"Arf arf arf arf arf arf!" Flo says. Oh, I'm sorry. That's what my dog told me that she said. I had to ask him, because her tone was too high for me to hear, but he had no problem with it. I forgot to run his version through the translator. Okay, apparently, Flo says, "It's over anyway, there's no way we can catch up to them!" "How not? We're stronger than they are! We caught them on the bikes!" Zach says. He's hustling toward the paddleboats, but she refuses to even run. She's walking petulantly, hands on hips, worried far more about making her point than she is about the task at hand. "We can make it," Zach argues as calmly as he can. "That's Ian and Teri!" she whines, gesturing. Zach tells her that Asshat is still paddling, so they should at least try. Flo, angry as hell at Zach for absolutely no reason, yells, "Go on, get the boat!" As he runs, she whines some more. "We're losing anyway, so I might as well walk!" Teri and Ian, paddleboating, see Zach approaching, so you can see how close this was. Then we see a shot of Zach walking across the grass with his helmet in his hand, and it could not be more obvious what has just happened. Zach has had his limit. You can see it on his face so clearly that I'm convinced it's the reason this shot is in the show. It's this infuriated calm -- he's all done, because he has just figured out that there is no bottom of the barrel, and nothing he ever does is going to help. Elsewhere, Flo, never dissuaded from acting up by the fact that she is at fault for everything that's happening, throws her helmet in disgust. How dare the world not bend to her whim! Shut up, Flo. A lot. I've said it before and I'll say it again -- in my ideal world, there would be a rule that if you yammer about giving up and quitting more than once, you're disqualified. I hate this crap.
Asshat continues paddling. FloZach finally makes it to the paddleboat and they start pedaling. "I suggest you put all that desire into these pedals right now," Zach says. Flo continues whining. She loudly moans that she doesn't want to make herself exhausted if they're eliminated anyway. "It's so humiliating," she moans. "I got beaten out by two, like, retired people." There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I don't know where to begin, but we'll start with how stupid it is that she doesn't understand that losing is not humiliating. Acting like an idiot, however, is very humiliating.
Cut to Ian. "We're comin', Phil!" he shouts as they reach the boat. They clamber on board and go up. Welcome, Teri and Ian, you are team number four.
On the paddleboat, Zach encourages Flo to keep working, so that they can go out on a good note if they're going to go out. Flo, on the other hand, remains determined to blame the entire thing on the pants. "Why did you have to take your pants off?" she whines. He explains that they would have gotten caught in the gears, and I think the point is that if he had to either ride with them rolled up or worry about them getting caught, it would have slowed him down, so unzipping the zippers -- which could easily have been a fifteen- or twenty-second chore -- was faster. There is no way that's the reason they're behind. They get to the boat at long and merciful last. They reach Phil. Welcome, FloZach, you are last to arrive. The "good" news is that you are not Philiminated. Damn. Of course, as soon as she hears this, Flo leaps happily into Zach's arms, because now everything is okay! Yay! Shut up, Flo. She tells him she's sorry, which is of course easy to say now that it doesn't matter anymore. Of course, if they lost, she was thoroughly and totally ready to blame his ass for probably the rest of his life. She immediately declares that what she did wrong was to give up. Of course, what she did wrong that was much worse was her insistence on blaming her partner. Among other things, she demanded that he do the Roadblock, so he's entitled to a little slack no matter how long it took, because it's not like she could have done better. She then actually whines that by staying so positive, Zach makes her look bad. Someone throttle her. Please. In an interview, she says how lucky she was to have Zach, and how bad it was that she gave up. She literally squeals on the mat that this is why they make a good team. Right. Because she constantly does this, and he constantly keeps her on an even keel. Now she loves him. Now she thinks he's smart. I keep casting around for something more descriptive than "shut up," but "shut up" is all I keep wanting to say. Shut up, Flo.
I was going to write Flo a long rant somewhere along here, but I'm just going to leave it at this: The giving up was horrible, but the blaming Zach was unforgivable. He deserved a better apology, and more to the point a different apology, and I hope he eventually got it. Just saying.
Will FloZach recover from their poor showing? Will Zach finally turn the cannon on Flo and empty it? Can Jill and John Vito stay at the front of the pack? Is the race ever going to get out of Europe? Tune in for the second half of this two-hour episode and find out.