Previously on Stop, Or My Domineering, Creepy-Ass Husband Will Shoot: Folks fled Fez. Teri and Ian got bitchy about a cab, and Flo and Jill got itchy about the Fast Forward. Ian and Teri sucked rocks, but bucked the competition and lucked into a magic carpet ride to first place. Firecop was led astray, and then a-scared, and then a-screwed. In the end, though, their poor showing was no match for the even more hapless Team Aahab, who couldn't make up the time they lost during Dieselfest '02 and consequently discovered that bad karma is indeed the gift that keeps on giving. Wooo! "Who will be eliminated..." The mountains crumble, Gibraltar tumbles. "…tonight?"
Credits. Two beer gardens near the standing wave on the Eisbach River have recently become pilot sites for outdoor wireless Internet surfing. (Get it?) The 1964 Innsbruck Olympics marked the return of bobsledding to the games. According to tire industry experts, improper inflation is the cause of most sudden tire failure. Munich became the capital of the Bavarian kingdom in 1806. In addition to his friends Seppel and Gretel and his grandma, common characters in Kasperle plays include the crocodile, the robber, the wizard, the king, and the queen. Maria von Trapp's son Johannes has a master's degree in forestry from Yale, and runs the Trapp Family Lodge in Stowe, Vermont. [BOMP.]
Extra-vigorous music and especially enthusiastic careening bring us back to Marrakech, Morocco and the extremely pretty Riad Catalina. Phil is going Army-drab again this week, and draped in his dark green shirt, he reminds us that this was the sixth pit stop in this big race they're having. If you win, they give you money! Phil throws in a marvelous little eyebrow-pop here, which I choose to believe is directed at me personally. We see a few shots of the teams landing on the mat and so forth, and then it's time for the Eat, Sleep, and Mingle segment, featuring the belly-dancing stylings of a wiggle-rific Ken and Gerard and a stomper-rific Derek and Drew. Phil explains about figuring it out for yourself, and about the sealed envelopes, and about the Expo Hands. As he wonders aloud about the fate of Teri and Ian, we get a shot of Asshat that offers some enlightenment about why that Pepe Le Pew hat has been so ubiquitous -- man, the last time I saw an unnaturally dark comb-over that bad, I was watching Ron Popeil hawk I Can't Believe It's Not Hair! spray on TNN at 4:30 in the morning. Phil also wonders whether FloZach, JVJ, or Firecop -- the three remaining teams who still have their Fast Forward options -- will take the opportunity to shriek, charge, or wander (respectively) into the lead.
5:19 AM. FloZach. A surprisingly mellow-looking Flo reads a part of the clue that we didn't see with Asshat -- "You have a dollar for this leg of the race." For whatever reason, this makes Flo laugh heartily instead of whining, and this is the first time I can see her the way people who like her probably do. I have to squint, though. (She also pronounces the name of the statue "Friggen-snengle," which is just funny.) As they leave, Zach voices over that there are "ups and downs, emotionally" in his situation with Flo. It becomes pretty clear that this morning is a "down," because neither of them can find their way out to the street. As they wander aimlessly down the long corridors of the Riad Catalina, Flo notes the presence of "a lot of stray animals." Hey, at least it's not a temple of rats. She blames Zach, saying that she asked him to find out before how they were supposed to get out, and he had said he knew how. And of course, it was his job and not her job to find out...for some reason that I'm sure would make perfect sense if she explained it. Zach is wearing his forehead light again, which makes me laugh only because it's one of those things that's such a good idea by any rational standard, and yet so hard to resist mocking.
Flo voices over that "sometimes [she's] tough on Zach," because he can be so mellow that he becomes downright unmotivated. She may be right, but it's also true that in a number of situations (the diesel incident comes to mind), he's had to remain calm and figure out what to do because she has a tendency to go right out of her bongos and collapse into a fetal position in the presence of stress. She complains about the "rabid cats" in the corridors. A cat runs by. "Go away, crazy mean lady!" it mews.
5:20 AM. Ken and Gerard. They voice over that they're going to get ahead by doing what they've been doing -- running a good race, not getting too excited, and flying "under the radar." I'm not sure I think that finishing near the top of most legs qualifies as flying "under the radar," and I'm not sure that flying "under the radar" means much on a show like this where it's not really possible to effectively target a particular team and force them out, as the HugeTinies tragically learned. Nevertheless, I forgive Gerard for this rather incomprehensible comment, because he is the little bald map-man, and he makes me giggle.
5:27 AM. Derek and Drew. They explain that the first leg was really stressful for them (with the almost losing their backpacks and the blowing half the navigation and everything), and they've had a lot more fun since they got into the middle section of the race and got hooked up with the BoB alliance. Did Derek always have that arm, or is that new? Just asking.
Outside, FloZach grabs a cab in the direction of the airport, and is followed closely by BoB. In the Twincab, Derek says that they're wondering what you can possibly do on a leg for which you were given only a dollar. ("A Detour is a choice between two vending machines, each with its own pros and cons.") They comment that they're pretty solid with money, so they're not terribly concerned, just curious.
5:32 AM. Jill and John Vito. Her hair is down, very curly and Clairol Herbal Essence today. I have to admit that doesn't seem especially practical to me, but then, I'm sure that even if she had a beehive and a poodle skirt, she could crush me like a roach, so let's just pretend I didn't say anything. Jill explains in a voice-over that she and John Vito are both "strong-minded," but she thinks that it leads them to make better decisions and to ultimately work together really well. That may explain the lack of screen time -- not enough petty arguing. I think we've pretty well established by now that relationship functionality is really bad for your entertainment career. They get a cab outside as well.
Asshat at the airport. They've apparently chosen to go to Zurich on a flight that leaves at 6:05 AM. At 5:43, FloZach pulls up in their cab and makes a mad dash inside, with the Band of Brothers close behind. As Asshat boards the 6:05 flight, Ian voices over that he and Teri aren't aligned with anyone, though he fails to point out that this is because no one likes him. He claims that his philosophy is "be focused, stay the course." And "be all up the recapper's nose," of course, although he leaves that part out. He, Teri, and the hat walk in the direction of their plane. Meanwhile, the twins bring some information to the Bald Snark and FloZach that the only flights that look at all promising on the Arr/Dep board are the ones to Paris and Zurich. Speaking of Zurich, however, it appears to be too late for that flight, because here goes Asshat Airlines, on its way. The Amazing Yellow Line on The Amazing World Map springs to life and valiantly traces the route, though it is not any happier about accompanying Teri and Ian than the rest of us would be.
Inside, the airport is not a hospitable place today. BoB is informed by a ticket agent that the only remaining way to Munich from Marrakech is to go through Paris, but the Paris flight is already overbooked, so the odds of getting four people on it (let alone eight or twelve) are essentially zero. Without Kevin to make absurd googly eyes at some sweet-faced girl at the ticket counter and finagle seats out of thin air, BoB is stuck with the less desirable option of changing airports entirely. The ticket guy recommends Casablanca, and it turns out they can get a little hop-flight there that's taking off soon. BoB as well as JVJ and FloZach choose this option, so the four teams all climb on what looks like quite a little plane for the hop to Casablanca, where they hope to find a reversal of their airport fortunes. They take off for Casablanca at 6:45 AM, accompanied by a lethargic Amazing Yellow Line, which has slowed to a crawl for this very short distance.
7:04 AM. Firecop. They open the clue and proudly display the one dollar they're given for the leg. As they go, Andre comments that finds the dollar a little piddly, and says he would at least have liked to get four quarters. Heh. He goes on to say that they've already overcome a lot of "adversity" to get to where they are. It's certainly true that they've gotten some bad breaks, particularly lately. They discuss the fact that when the "chips are down," they keep going. They get a cab for the Marrakech airport and head out, dearly hoping to run into a clump of other teams bunched up at the airport, which really isn't an entirely unreasonable expectation, given the time of day.
When Firecop gets to the Marrakech airport, they head inside. They get the same news that the other teams got -- everything leaving the Marrakech airport today is sold out up the ying-yow. Andre quickly starts pressing to leave the airport and take a train to Casablanca (presumably, there was no flight available) that would get them there in about three hours, at which point they could try flights again. Damon wants to do a little more checking before they go, which irritates Andre to no end, because he feels like the verdict has already come in loud and clear. "He just doesn't want to listen," Andre mutters.
Meanwhile at the Casablanca airport, the teams who hopped there from Marrakech scamper from their little plane. The first desk Jill visits offers her a nice slam in the face. "It's not possible, all flights to Europe are overbooked," says the woman behind the desk. Big meanie. She's lucky Jill doesn't pick her up and toss her across the room, yelling, "Overbook this!"
In Marrakech, Firecop bails on the airport and heads for Casablanca. They initially plan to take a train, but when they get their taxi for the station, he offers to take them all the way to Casablanca for a hundred bucks or so, so they go with that option. They've presumably managed to hang on to some money, and this is probably a situation where it's not a bad idea to spend some of it, because the taxi could presumably be quite a bit faster than the train, and they're clearly in trouble at this point. In the cab, Andre is still unhappy about the delay back at the airport while Damon persisted in checking flights, but Damon is convinced he was right. That is the most boring argument ever.
The Casablanca airport, meanwhile, is not initially turning out to be a whole lot more promising than Marrakech. As they would say on Sesame Street, this episode is brought to you by the word "full," and by the letters S.O.L. The teams break off into their two predictable subgroups -- BoB works together, as do the crumbling remains of the HugeTinies in the form of FloZach and JVJ. Derek and Flo have a little bickerfest at a ticket counter where he, all smiles on the outside but at least partly serious on the inside, accuses her of being a dirty rat of a player and explains that she and Zach aren't trustworthy the way Gerard and Kenny are. Note that here, Flo claims that she "doesn't like to be nasty." Flo and Derek are ultimately united, though, by their shared hope that Firecop won't show up in time to bunch with them, because everyone loves a leg where there's one team that's practically out of the picture. Man, through that entire scene, I am completely distracted by Derek's noisy and overzealous gum-chewing. I have a feeling it's because he's squelching the tension of the conversation so he can pretend to be friendly.
While the airport is still being worked, here comes Firecop. It's not clear how long the other teams have been at the Casablanca airport by the time Firecop gets there, but it's presumably a while, since Andre commented that it was 7:45 AM when they were in the Marrakech airport, and that's the same time that the rest of them landed in Casablanca. Damon is deliriously happy to see the other teams in the airport when they arrive, but I think he doesn't realize yet that it's going to be a very difficult experience trying to book flights. Difficult or not, Zach laments the arrival of Firecop, complaining that the "whole lead is destroyed." Flo complains in a quick interview that Firecop is believed by the other teams to "piggyback on other people," so she's ready for them to go. (As Flo explains this, there is a hilarious shot of Andre leaning over Zach's back to listen while he and Flo are working on getting tickets. Nice touch.) Flo then decides to put her powers of Italian to use for evil, rather than good. She goes to the Lufthansa guy and tells him that she and Jill are working together, and that he should put both of their teams on the flight, but that there are these guys (i.e. Firecop) following them, and the ticket guy shouldn't let those guys on the flight. Yes, this is stupid, and I don't approve of it, and she shouldn't have done it. I think it didn't offend me all that much because it struck me as a pretty pitiful attempt -- I never believed this would do anything to keep Firecop off the flight, so I guess it made me roll my eyes more than anything else. She is chuckling the whole time, so I don't even think she thinks it's going to work, really. Furthermore, I do think it was born out of her extreme frustration that Firecop was mooching off of everyone else's work to get from one place to another, and while it didn't justify what she did, it did make me think that she had motives other than meanness, and I don't think it mattered much in the end. For better or for worse, she remarks that she and Zach are first on the waiting list for a three o'clock Lufthansa flight. "I wonder what she was able to negotiate," Damon wonders. "I don't know," Andre replies.
BoB hits the airline jackpot, landing standby on an Air France flight to Paris. Meanwhile, Firecop gets the Lufthansa guy to agree to put them on standby for the FloZach flight, so as I said, I don't think Flo really got far with him. Jill and John Bon Vito eventually hustle themselves on the same flight that the BoB just nailed down. Alliances only go so far, though, and FloZach is stuck on the three o'clock, substantially later than the BoB and JVJ flight leaves at 11:45. The Amazing Yellow Line illustrates the path from Casablanca to Paris.
FloZach sits on the floor of the airport and laments the wait from 11:45 to 3:00. Flo worries that Firecop will find some other flight they haven't found, but in fact, elsewhere, Firecop sits dejectedly on a bench and says they're having no luck at all. Damon predicts that they may not even get out of Casablanca until the evening or the morning. "I want to leave this place so damn bad," Andre comments.
Commercials. Don't bother looking for gifts for the people you love. Take them to Sears, and they can pick out their own crap. The hell with it.
Still at the Casablanca airport, Firecop's air-travel nightmare continues. They try Alitalia, and they get a big no. They try everything, and they presumably get several more negative results in several different languages. "I'm never traveling again," Andre says, taking pretty much the opposite of the lesson one would wish this show would teach you. Sort of too bad, that. FloZach, on the other hand, makes the standby thing work for them, and they get on the 3 PM Lufthansa flight to Frankfurt, after which they can go on to Munich.
At long last, Firecop mercifully gets a flight to Paris that leaves at 3:15 PM, just after FloZach.
Brass-heavy Regal Music Of European Grandeur welcomes us to Munich, Germany. Don't put your stuff down, because you're not going to be here long. At 5:30 PM, Teri and Ian's plane touches down. As they hop a train into town, Ian yaps his flap (not the one on his hat -- the other one) about how he's fifty, and he knows a lot more than all these young folk. Because you know, the younger generation thinks women should vote and own property and wear pants, and that just doesn't leave much space for a guy who likes to order his wife around like a pet. He says that the other teams think he and Teri are a threat. Dude, there are six teams left, and none of them are near-flawless racers like we've sometimes had in the past, which means that everybody is a threat. Asshat finds its way to the angel statue, and then to the puppet theater. "Hi there, dude, I think you've got something for me!" Ian says. Yeah, he said "dude." To the puppet. Whatever. Man, Ian and the puppet totally deserve each other. Kasperle The Despised excitedly hands over the clue, but not until he's swung that hat around for a while. And then the puppet wishes Asshat good luck. Shut up, puppet.
Once Kasperle The Despised finally shuts up, Teri reads the clue, and it says that they have to go to Innsbruck, Austria. Amusingly, Teri reads this with great weariness, like she's thinking, "We just got here, and now we have to go somewhere else? What is with this trip? This trip is not relaxing at all! I am never using this travel agency again!" I think someone is a little unclear on the concept. Phil says that it's about a sixty-mile train trip to Innsbruck, where they'll find the Annasaule monument near the Olympic Village and pick up the clue.
At eight that night, in the heavy dusk, the plane carrying BoB and JVJ arrives in Munich. There is some confusion getting out of the airport and finding ground transportation, and the teams get separated. The twins get out ahead of the Bald Snark, and as they make their way through the airport, they wonder aloud whether they're expected to wait. Fortunately, they aren't forced into such a difficult decision at this point, because Ken and Gerard indeed come up behind them quickly. JVJ gets on the first train to town, and BoB makes the one.
In Paris, Firecop continues its efforts to get to Munich. There's a flight they hope to catch, but it looks like they got on the Paris flight on such short notice that they didn't have time to buy the tickets for the connection. Therefore, they have to go buy them now, and they have only a short time to get across the Paris airport complex to do it. As it happens, on the shuttle to the Lufthansa terminal, they run into a woman who works for the airline. She tells them that they have a better shot at getting on the plane at the last minute because they don't have luggage, and she tells them she'll see what she can do. They get inside the airport, and the friendly lady goes behind the counter and gets to work.
Munich. Night. John Vito and Jill hop out of their taxi by the statue, and Jill leans over the railing above the park where the hideous puppet is. Like many other people, I momentarily thought that she might be planning to just hurl herself over the railing, because it was faster than taking the stairs. They do decide to travel a bit more conservatively by walking, though, and she and John Vito are first to the puppet theater. The puppet is mercifully not shown, but they retrieve their clue. "Let's just head to Awwstria," Jill says. Just then, the BoB cabs pull up and both teams hop out, head for the puppet, and grab their clues. In the JVJ cab, Jill comments that Asshat is out in the lead somewhere, but she's not sure where, and that BoB is ten minutes behind her. Jill and John Vito spontaneously beam at each other in the cab. Aw. They really are an awfully nice bright spot among a lot of people who are looking and acting a little raggedy this week. John Vito remarks that he's glad Jill has been making such good decisions on behalf of the team, because he's happy with their position in the race at this point. They get to the train station and go inside to inquire about the train to Innsbruck.
Speaking of which, here's Asshat now, hopping off the train.
In other bad news, Firecop is still in Paris, and the Lufthansa ticket counter is closed. Their friend from the bus is negotiating on their behalf, persistently talking to a bald gentleman who is, sadly, shaking his head just as persistently. Firecop pleads with Bald Gentleman to let them buy a ticket, but BG tells them that the ticketing is closed and there's nothing he can do. It's remarkable, but even with everything else that had happened to them by this point, if they had made this flight, they probably would have caught up. Quite a big moment, right there.
At 10:30 PM, FloZach lands in Munich and runs through the airport. "This is serious, this is not a joke anymore, we've really got to run!" Flo yells. Indeed, Flo is as serious as a heart attack. And almost as soothing. On the train into town, she rubs her forehead and speculates about how far behind they probably are.
In Innsbruck, Asshat reaches Annasaule and peers into the clue box. Ian pointedly counts the clues and finds that all six are still there. "Doesn't mean anything," Teri snaps, knowing that sometimes there are extra clues just to screw with you. "I know, but it makes me feel good," he says, although obviously if he knew it didn't mean anything, he wouldn't have pointed it out. She tears the clue open and, in so doing, whaps him in the chest with her hand. It doesn't really look like it hurts very much, but he still says "ouch." Seeing him get even an inadvertent and probably painless whap in the chest is somewhat satisfying, in a dark way, I must admit. She reads the clue, and it's a Detour. Two tasks! Pros! Cons! This week's choices are Sled and Skate. In Sled, you go to a nearby bobsled course and ride down with a team of bobsledders. It goes pretty fast, but it's theoretically scary, and it's first-come, first-served with a possible lengthy wait between available rides. In Skate, you go to an ice arena and skate a relay race with a team of professional skaters. But through Phil's entire intro, everyone who knows this show and hates Teri and Ian is looking for the punchline, which comes when Teri finishes reading the clue: "Hours of operation for both, 8:00 AM to 7:30 PM." Woo hoo! The Strings Of Evil Being Foiled sound in the background. Ian says, "You're kidding," which again makes me think that he's never seen the show. If they weren't anticipating that this might happen, then they were living in a fool's paradise. Well, at least they were appropriately dressed.
At the Munich train station, JVJ and BoB meet up as they wait for the train to Innsbruck. They're all on the 11:40, so they'll be in Innsbruck in lots and lots of time for the opening of the Detour options. "Only Ian's ahead of us," Jill says. "Unless he's at a bar in Casablanca, having a drink," Gerard remarks, getting a laugh from the crowd that motivates him to go on: "'Teri, I know we'll get outta here!'" he mimics. Kenny then smacks the table a few times in a dramatic fashion, and I'm not sure I want to think about what part of Ian's personality that's supposed to emulate.
Back at the Annasaule, Asshat is pondering their Detour options. Ian wants to bobsled, so they head for the track to sign up in case there's a line.
JVJ and BoB board the 11:40 train from Munich to Innsbruck.
At the bobsled track in the darkness, Ian dismisses his cab, telling the driver to come back the day at 8:30. He and Teri find the flag, and there are six numbers tacked to the post that they can grab to determine the order in which they'll get to go the morning. Ian grabs the "1" and expresses his great happiness. The international booing can be heard from space. "Boooooo!"
FloZach at the puppet theater. Flo is advocating the Fast Forward, probably on the theory that they're far enough behind the three teams that left Casablanca ahead of them that, if they don't take the Fast Forward and Andre and Damon do, they'll be sure to wind up in last place. The real shame is that because the Fast Forward is given out in Munich rather than later in Innsbruck, they don't know at this point about the hours of operation issue relating to the Detour. It might be, though, that they should have gambled on it. It just seems to me that the timing strongly suggests potential hours-of-operation problems, and it might have been worth taking that risk, given that they had to wait overnight for the FF anyway. At any rate, the FF requires you to go to the Eisbach River in Munich and find the guy who's surfing on the standing wave. Apparently, the only challenge other than locating the surfer is "attracting his attention." The hell? The FFs are getting way too easy. They should at least have to knock him off the board. I would enjoy watching Zach fight a surfer. It would be the mellowest fight ever. It would take six minutes for anyone to say anything. Or move. FloZach discusses the FF option. She continues to believe that Firecop is a big enough concern that they have to take the FF to ensure that they aren't eliminated.
Meanwhile back in Paris, the hapless Firecop explains that they're stuck in the airport for the night, because the Lufthansa ticket counter doesn't open until 5:00 AM. So they're going to have to wait and get on a 6:45 AM flight to Munich. Not looking good, guys. They stare unhappily.
Commercials. Sean Hayes is Jerry Lewis! He sort of is, actually. Ew.
Flo and Zach continue to debate the use of the Fast Forward, and they decide to go for it, but they can't do it until morning. She advocates finding a spot near the Eisbach, and then we see them wandering the streets of Munich in search of a cheap place to sleep. "How about twenty-five, is that cheap enough?" she snots as they pass a place. "This is so ghetto," she moans. Oh, seriously, shut up, Flo. Zach wants to check the hostel first, but Flo goes into whiny mode and says, "I'm not going any cheaper than twenty-five!" "Why?" Zach asks her. "Because it's gross!" Oh, simmer down, Flo. Many teams have slept outside on the street, so don't get your complimentary bathrobe in a bunch over a hotel that's too cheap for you.
JVJ and BoB arrive in Innsbruck, and John Vito voices over that they've all decided to work together in getting to the route marker. When they get into town, they find Annasaule, and pull the Detour clue. They all decide that the bobsled is the way to go as opposed to the skating, so when they hook up with a particularly helpful taxi guy, they tell him they all need to get to the bobsled track.
Flo and Zach are still arguing over accommodations. Now they're standing outside the world's cheapest hotel (don't believe me? The big sign says "McBed"). Zach confirms in a voice-over that it bothers him when Flo freaks out and starts yapping at him. Yeah, not a big surprise there. I wasn't thinking that was his favorite part. She finally just insists that they go inside and get a little sleep, although it's clearly very, very late by this time, because when they get their room, Zach mentions that they'll only be there for four hours. But hey, the big sign says they get breakfast! And TV! Including CNN! Man, there's nothing to get you ready for a big day of racing like Wolf Blitzer.
At 1:45 AM, the JVJ/BoB crowd is on its way to the bobsled track to see what's what. When they get there, the twins are first to go take a look at the post by the flag, while Jill and Gerard take care of ordering up three taxis for 8:30 the morning, just as Ian did. After Derek and Drew grab the big "2," they discuss what to do briefly before quietly filling in Ken that he needs to run over and grab a number, which he does, and then Ken passes the word along to Jill, who's right behind him. So Kenny and Gerard are number 3, and Jill and John Vito are number 4. There's a little building near the bobsled track, and when the three teams walk over to it to lie down and get some rest, they spot Ian and Teri sleeping on the floor. Ha! "Hey, it's the Big Kahunas up here!" Ken shouts happily. Gerard literally points and laughs. They all go into hysterics, though Ian and Teri do not join in. "Our placing went from first to all bunched up together," Ian complains in a voice-over. Well, those are the breaks, Sparky. You're the one who liked it so much when you caught up the same way and didn't have to "smell rear end" anymore. Oh, and regarding your lead, and your "just need to run a clean race now," and the bunching? Yeah, I told you so. Harsh mistress, isn't it?
Morning comes to Munich. FloZach leaves the McBed at 6:15, and Zach says they're on the way to "Eisenbach" (not quite, but okay) to pick up the Fast Forward. They grab a cab and get going. When they arrive at the river, there is indeed a guy on a surfboard who is surfing and staying in one place and...I don't really get the physics. Which is okay. (Please don't email me to explain. It will just make my head hurt.) Zach runs down from the bridge where they stopped, headed for the surfer guy. "Go, Zach, go!" Flo "encourages" him from the sidelines. As usual. Just as the surfer wipes out, Zach yells out to him to get his attention. Surfer guy comes over to the side, and in a nice gesture of international bonding, he and Zach share a high-five, and then Surfer Guy hands over the clue. The clue tells FloZach to proceed to Füssen, Germany. As they get back into their car, Plunking Music Of Uncertainty accompanies their discussion of the fact that they don't really know what became of the other teams overnight, and they could easily be in last place already, entirely doomed by the wait for the FF.
In Innsbruck, it's quite a beautiful morning for a bobsled ride. The Asshat Evil Anthem For Strings plays as Teri and Ian literally strap on black hats (heh) and lower themselves into the bobsled. Due to my love of humanity, the presence in this bobsled of other people prevents me from rooting for a freak accident. As Asshat gets ready to go, Ken looks on with trepidation. He voices over that he fears both heights and going fast, so this is really not an event that's built to go easy on his psychological tics. "Can you put your feet down?" he asks Gerard quietly. Gerard laughs. "It's not the Flintstone-mobile," he replies. Hee. No kidding, Kenny; I really don't think you want to put your feet down, unless you're looking to shorten your legs. The bobsled takes off down the hill. Ian voices over how it was really fast and really cool and he forgot for a moment how evil and wicked and mean he is. Okay, I added the last part. But he was thinking it. Screw humanity -- crash! Crash! There is no crash. When it's all over, he pronounces it "unbelievable-like." Whatever, jackass.
At the top of the hill, into the bobsled are Derek and Drew. Yes, yes, down the hill. It's all very fast.
Asshat opens the clue, and it says to get across town to the Gondola Norkette, which will take them up a mountain to the Seegrube station. Because going up the mountain is what gondolas do, when not located in Venice. They take off. Ian is still wearing yesterday's salmon-pink shirt. EW. They had all night to change their clothes, you know. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Derek and Drew speed down the hill. Whoosh! When they get down the hill and get the clue, their cab is waiting.
Up at the top, Kenny is getting nervous some more. "Let's go figure-skating," he chuckles nervously. Gerard points a finger at him. "That ain't happening," he says mock-sternly. The bobsled approaches as Gerard, already wearing his helmet, helps Ken with his. Kenny, for no apparent good reason, swats Gerard on the side of the head. Gerard swats back. Ah, sibling love.
At 8:20 in Munich, Andre and Damon arrive at last. It occurs to me at this point that, depending on what happens in the rest of the leg, it's still not outside the realm of possibility that they could catch up, even after their horrible airport experiences, thanks to the hours-of-operation situation. After all, they're only a train ride away from Innsbruck, once they get past the puppet, and...well, somebody could fall and break a leg or something. Damon voices over to that effect, saying that "it's not over until you put your foot on the mat." Well, amen to that.
Back at the bobsled, Ken and Gerard prepare to take off. Ken suggests that maybe they can go slow, but Gerard nixes that. They take a ride. Gerard loves it: "Woooo!" They, too, reach the bottom without dying, and somewhere, a CBS insurance guy takes another swig of booze.
At the top of the hill, Jill and John Vito are anxious to get going, of course, as they always are. As JVJ takes the bobsled ride, Ken and Gerard gather themselves and go to find the cab that should be waiting for them. When JVJ finishes the ride and makes it to the road, however, they find that the Bald Snark is still there, and there are no cabs. Hmm. John Vito asks if they're just going to wait, and Ken says that they had an arrangement for the cabs to come back at 8:30, so he's not sure why they're not there.
Asshat cab. Ian is prodding his driver to go fast, and to "show [him] what these Austrian drivers can do." The driver looks like he might punch Ian. Mightn't we all. The twins, meanwhile, are pondering the fate of the Bald Snark and JVJ. "Maybe they'll get slowed up back there," Derek muses. Wow, this town they're driving through looks just like the one that one of the women in my office sets up on her bookcase at Christmas.
JVJ and the Bald Snark are indeed slowed up, now trying to flag down a passing car so that they can borrow a cell phone and try again to get a cab. "We might be up the mountain without a bobsled," says an increasingly edgy Kenny.
Commercials. Nothing like a commercial involving sex, diarrhea, and a hot tub to keep the family hour kid-friendly.
Still in Innsbruck, still at the top of Bobsled Mountain, Kenny and Gerard and Jill and John Vito are waiting for a sign from the taxi gods. Finally, one cab arrives. The Bald Snark gets in, promising Jill and John Vito that they'll have the driver call for another cab, and as they get in, they do. Of course, when they're on the road, Kenny tells the driver to "take [his] time calling," but they do apparently get the cab there pretty quickly, because the thing you know, Jill and John Vito are picked up, checking to make sure that their driver knows the way to the gondola.
Asshat is first to the gondola station, followed closely by Derek and Drew. These two teams get on the gondola, and Ian talks about how he wants to get the show on the road before the other two teams show up. The Bald Snark is just pulling up, but not in time to make the same gondola as Derek and Drew and Teri and Ian. Ken and Gerard and John Vito and Jill make the gondola together.
Munich. The Creepy Piano Of The Unexplained incongruously plays as Andre and Damon walk up to the puppet. Can you imagine, after the day they've had, how much they must not want to see that damn puppet with his twirly hat? Damon reads the clue that tells them to go back to the train station and travel from Munich to Innsbruck. The puppet looks on sympathetically. Shut up, puppet. Damon voices over that they decided the Fast Forward wasn't worth it, given how likely it was that one of the other teams that still had the option had decided to use it. A reasonable conclusion, but also probably a realization that they're screwed.
Innsbruck, at the top of the first gondola ride. Ian yells at Teri to hurry, because he's run out ahead and grabbed the first number for the Roadblock. In this week's Roadblock, the selected team member rides out on a gondola and then bails out on a rescue cable and is lowered a couple hundred feet to the ground. Eh. Not the most exciting Roadblock they've ever done. Immediately upon reading the clue, Ian declares that Teri is doing it. Drew will be taking the Roadblock for the twins. Just behind them are JVJ and the Bald Snark, and the lucky danglers are Jill and Gerard. Because they're all so close together, the four Roadblockers will ride out in a single gondola, and then they'll slide down the cable one at a time, in the order they arrived. When they get to the bottom, they can catch up with their partners and get going.
On the second gondola ride out to the Roadblock, Jill gives herself a pep talk of a sort: "No chance to die, right? No chance to die." Hee. Teri asks the guide who's getting her all strapped up, "It won't hurt?" I sort of wish he had said, "When you're dashed on the rocks? No. It will be quick and painless. You'll be in twenty-seven pieces." Instead, he is reassuring. What fun is that? Drew watches her with a wary grin. In an interview, he comments that he was glad not to be the first person who went, because he honestly didn't think the harness looked very safe. "I was like, 'Good luck, Teri, okay, uh...you go first,'" he says, giggling and offering a childlike wave and phony grin. Heh. That was actually kind of funny. From the ground, Ian watches with trepidation, presumably wondering whether he can just holler an order for her to reach the ground safely. She would presumably have no choice in his mind but to obey. Ken yells up, "Come on, Teri!" in a helpful manner, but then just as she lets herself off the side of the gondola, he hollers a not-so-helpful, "Watch out for the last steeeeeeeep...!" Snerk.
Teri manages to be lowered from the gondola to the ground without dying. "Very cool," Ian says. Shut up, Ian. He voices over that he's afraid of heights, so he was fine with just watching Teri do it. Whatever, jackass. As soon as she hits the ground, Ian yells at her to run to where he is. Watching her from the gondola, Gerard can't resist: "Look at Teri run," he observes, and then he goes into his angry Ian voice: "'Teri, haul your ass!'" You know, Gerard's Ian has a touch of Regis Philbin in it.
Asshat opens the clue, which tells them to get to the meadow below Neuschwanstein Castle in Füssen. Phil explains that this castle was the inspiration for Sleeping Beauty's castle (at a theme park that is unnamed, because its parent company is not exactly CBS, if you get our drift), and he confirms that the last team to the mat will be eliminated.
FloZach are just getting to Füssen. Flo comments that if they've managed to take the Fast Forward and still finish last, she's going to find that very depressing. Zach says that that would simply mean it "wasn't meant to be." They pull up at the castle and run toward the mat. "Let's go, let's just get this over with," she comments miserably. "Welcome to Füssen!" says the cute greeter of the week, adorable in his green hat and lederhosen. "Thank you," they say anxiously. Phil gives them the happy news that they're team number one. They laugh and share a big hug. Aw. Phil also tells them that they get the Easy-Share cameras. They high-five just like they got real cameras.
Back at The Gondola Of Fate, Drew lowers himself to the ground. "No big deal!" Derek yells helpfully. "Big deal, guys!" Ken yells unhelpfully. Derek chuckles and repeats that it's not a big deal. "Big, big deal, guy!" Ken yells. And then there's a voice that yells, "Look down!" and I think it might be John Vito, the other member of this brigade, because it doesn't sound like Ken. Either way, heh. When he's finished, Teri and Ian talk inside about how to get the gondola back down and then how to get going toward Füssen. Elsewhere, Derek reads the clue in a rather hilarious Mike-Myers-as-Dieter voice, and I really hope he did it on purpose, because if he did? Funny.
Out on the gondola, a beaming Jill lets herself off the edge. She yells up encouragingly to Gerard as she goes. Finally, Gerard heads down. The position of the microphone pack on the back of everyone's pants, which protrudes inside the seat/harness getup they all have to wear for the descent, finally gets a little attention as Kenny looks up at his brother. "All right, Gerard!" he yells happily. Then, "Have you got a load in your pants?" Ha! Yes, it's a cheap joke. Like I care.
Inside the gondola station, Derek and Drew and Teri and Ian wait to leave. Derek voices over that he left his clue on the ticket counter, and he couldn't find it when he went to look. The camera guy sets up the shot so that you can see the lost clue while Derek is still looking for it. Again, nice. Teri sees the clue on the counter and tells Derek that's where it is. Now, I realize she saw this as a great act of kindness, and I realize she didn't have to do it, but come on. The guy is still in the same camera shot with his clue. If he had had to find it, he certainly would have -- it was literally across the room in plain sight, and they hadn't really been anywhere since they last had the clue. I consider this move by Teri to be a very, very tiny act of kindness, and certainly not one that had much of an impact. On the other hand, Derek? Not a smooth move, the part where you walk away from your clue. He thanks her, and she says, "You're welcome." All four teams that have now piled up at the station take off on the gondola back down to the parking lot.
In the gondola, Derek and Drew are looking in their book at where they're going ; apparently, Teri and Ian just expect that they will obviously be able to just mooch off of them. As Ian tries to horn in on their guidebook, Derek comments to Drew that they shouldn't give away information. Teri snots in an interview that apparently Derek didn't think her Nobel-Peace-Prize-nominated act of telling him where the clue was merited his helping her get to the pit stop. Teri? It's a race. It's not a party, it's not a social, and it's not the prom. It's a race. And you want to win, which means everybody else has to lose. You have no obligation as far as I'm concerned to help another team, ever. Ever. You could argue that if you have an agreement with another team and you break it, that's bad in and of itself because you broke the agreement. But when the other team does something that you didn't ask them to do and didn't need them to do, and therefore gives you no opportunity to think through what their offered assistance would be worth to you, and no opportunity to decide what you want to trade for it, and then they come back to you and announce what the price is for their unsolicited favor that you didn't need? No. That's ridiculous. She's completely wrong here, as far as I'm concerned, and he's completely right. There was no agreement, it's a competition, and he has no obligation -- ethical, moral, or general -- to show her to the pit stop. Could it bite him in the ass? Sure. Is he doing anything wrong? No. Derek remarks, quite correctly I think, that he would have found the clue anyway, so he's not willing to act like he owes Teri for the rest of the race. Ian glares at the twins in what he hopes is a menacing fashion. Well, you reap what you sow, Team Asshat. You reap what you sow. "I showed him where his clue was," Teri complains loudly in the gondola, in her well-I-never voice. "I'll remember time." Shut. Up.
Firecop's train pulls into the station at Innsbruck. And then Firecop's train pulls out of the station at Innsbruck. And Firecop is still on it. Sleeping. D'oh! Man, this leg couldn't get any more painfully unfortunate for them unless they fell into an open well. This just hurts to watch. Talk about your Killer Fatigue.
JVJ, Asshat, the twins, and the Bald Snark hop off the gondola and into the waiting cars. Once they're on the road, Gerard says that he and Ken should follow the twins, who have the map. "But they haven't got it right yet," Ken says dubiously. "Kenny, that's not nice," Gerard scolds with a chuckle, knowing that what Kenny says is true. Meanwhile, the twins take a left at a particular fork in the road, and Kenny is inclined to follow, but Gerard The King Of Maps has him continue straight. Teri and Ian keep going straight as well. When John Vito sees this happen, he asks Jill who they should follow -- the Bald Snark or the twins. Based on past experience, this is a no-brainer -- she and JV follow Ken and Gerard. The twins, meanwhile, are interested in the fact that everyone has ditched them by going the other direction and choosing to follow Ken and Gerard "because they think [Derek and Drew are] incompetent." In an interview, Drew says that they think the alliance thing has pretty much ended, because there aren't enough teams left to do anything but save your own ass, so it's mano a mano from here on out. I totally agree. Alliances have a lifespan, and when there are five teams left, it's pretty much run out. I do think they're wrong that Ken and Gerard were trying to ditch them -- I think Gerard just thought they went the wrong way.
Ken and Gerard lead their merry band down a private driveway. Oops. Turning all three SUVs around turns into something of a production. "We should've definitely gone the other way," John Vito says quietly. "I know," Jill answers.
Despite having been right about the route off the mountain, Derek and Drew are now fighting over the rest of the trip. Drew is in the back seat with a map, and Derek is in the front seat. With a whip, pretty much. Yelling. A lot. He's asking whether Drew has a plan to get to where they're going. Clearly, Drew does not so much have a plan.
As Ken and Gerard speed down the road, they hit a bump of some kind. "Caramba, what was that?" Gerard asks. Kenny keeps driving. "What's that noise?" he asks suspiciously. If there's not a hard-working Foley guy sneaking in some freelance work, you can actually hear the little rhythmic hissing of their popped tire. Hee.
More twin fighting. "It's on the map! It shows Füssen on the fuckin' map!" Derek yells. Drew is confused. "What, the piece of paper?" "No, the -- in the book!" Derek hollers in exasperation. Yep -- that, too, would be Killer Fatigue.
In other disaster news, Gerard hops out and looks at the front right tire and sees that it's in the process of going flat. Ken's response is to get him back in the car and start going. Eek. My father would really, really frown on that.
On the Train of Doom, Andre asks the conductor how they get off the train and get back going in the right direction to Innsbruck. Apparently, we don't get to see what I'm sure was the very unhappy moment when they realized they'd missed their stop. ["I wondered about that for a second before figuring that the editors were like, 'We'll have to bleep everything in the clip but conjunctions, so let's not bother.'" -- Sars] The conductor tells them they need to get off the train at Salzburg. I would point out that my sources put the distance between Salzburg and Innsbruck at 115 miles, so this is not like sleeping through your stop on the subway. These guys traveled almost 250 unnecessary miles by train. Yow.
Ken is now driving on the flat tire. All I can think about is the dangling camera guy leaning out the window or out the door or wherever to get this shot. The hell? It's very nice work, though, which calls to mind this week's order of business: How much do I love the camera guys and the sound guys? So much. They run the whole race, they lose their sleep and their rhythms and their minds as well, they get detained by the authorities, and they run up hills and across cities and through the crowded streets of this chaotic marketplace! They keep up with Jill and John Vito! They tolerate Aahab's whining! They lean out of cars to get critical flat-tire footage! And what do they get for their trouble? Well, if they're very lucky, some dimwit team comes home and makes up a fairy tale about how they were responsible for said dimwit team's elimination, not that they can go on The Early Show and defend themselves. So because there is no glory in traipsing around giving chase to all teams great and especially all teams very, very small, please spare a moment of appreciation for Your Camera Guys (and I am following the credits, doing the best that I can, so someone will correct me if I'm wrong, I'm sure): Sylvestre "Tweety" Campe, David "The Burger" Gaines, Chip "Bud" Goebert, Per A.C. "D.C." Larsson, Jeff "Screamin'" Leemon, Loy "The Toy" Norrix, Dave "Chuckles" Ross, Uri "Twinkletoes" Sharon, Scott "The Belly" Shelley, Scott "Nancy" Walker, Dave E. "Street" West, and Peter "The Dominator" Wery. And while I'm at it, let's not forget Your Sound Guys: Jonathan D. "Julie" Andrews, Heron "Great Blue" De Alencar, Dean "Of Students" Gaveau, Dan "Jodie" Foster, Peter "The Coyote" Jones, Shadley "Carole" Lombard, David "Junkyard Dog" McJunkin, Eric "Ed" McMahon, Gustavo Rodrigues "Vasco da" Gama, Willie Monie "Dysfunctional Relation" Shipp, Jim "Underdog" Ursulak, Gil "The Thrill" Wells, Barry "Zito" Weissman, and Brian "Matlock" Whitlock. Take heart, y'all. Dimwits have a way of seeing what goes around come around, sooner or later.
At any rate, in the back seat, Gerard is despairing over the fact that they're still driving on the dead tire. He's trying not to look horrified, despite the fact that he is completely horrified. He's chuckling and insisting that he is not making faces. "I've done plenty of crazy things on this race," he says gamely, trying to at least pretend to be supportive of Kenny. "You've done many crazy things on this race," Kenny agrees. Gerard points at the back of the front seat and silently mouths, "Not as many as you." Hee!
Asshat makes note of the tire situation. "He's got a flat," Teri gloats. Good observation, Teri! Meanwhile, the Bald Snark are proceeding very slowly, and Gerard looks back to see who it is they have trapped behind them. "Oh, it's Ian!" he says, and cracks up. He and Kenny both laugh hysterically at the fact that they're accidentally foiling everyone's anti-favorite team. "Let's just go reeeally slow, then," Kenny says. Ian does eventually zip around and pass them. Kenny gives a wave, but as they go by, he hisses, "Dirty rotten scoundrels!" Heh. Gerard is ready to pull over with their abused tire for fear they'll ruin the rim.
Elsewhere, Derek and Drew seem to be finding their way to the pit stop at last, while Teri and Ian have pulled over to sweat directions. "If we went that way..." Ian begins. "No, we didn't go that way," Teri corrects. They go inside somewhere to ask directions.
Circus Music Of Goofy Happenings plays as a laughing Ken and Gerard pull into what looks like a tiny little gas station. Their tire? Oh, it is shredded. And when I say shredded, we're talking shredded. Like shredded wheat. Like shredded cheese. Like a Ryan Starr shirt. Shredded. They both laugh as they lead the guy out to the car to take a look. "We have a problem," they say. The guy is very impressed with what they've managed to do to the tire. I have to say, it's the worst-looking tire I've ever seen that's still attached to the wheel. Normally, you only see those in pieces on the highway.
At Neuschwanstein Castle, Derek and Drew, who supposedly can't navigate their way out of a paper bag, arrive first. They run and land on the mat. Welcome, boys, you are team number two. They high-five. A good leg for them, and they deserve a lot of credit for being the champs of what looks like it was a pretty tough navigation sequence.
Just behind them, a hustling Jill and John Vito hop out. Yay! Welcome, Jill and John Vito, you are team number three. And you are, I would point out, the only team who will have a Fast Forward available after this point. Not bad. That will make the calculus of when it's most advantageous to go for it a lot less complicated.
A helpful fellow removes the spare tire from under Ken and Gerard's SUV. They applaud. He puts the tire on for them.
Asshat arrives at the castle. They step on the mat. And this is seriously the funniest Phil moment of all time (it won't be for long, but it is for now). If you look at Phil's face as he welcomes them to the mat, he literally makes this little face like he's going to throw up. He says, "Teri and Ian," and then he makes the face. I have my TiVo paused on the face right now, as I write this. And the face says, "I have just eaten bad shrimp." Only it's not bad shrimp, it's just Teri and Ian. He tells them they're team number four. But Phil knows the truth.
A very pessimistic Gerard is sure as they approach the castle that they're going to be sent home. Ken tells him not to talk that way. "You gotta be in it to win it, Gerard, we're not givin' up yet." "Listen, Maria Von Trapp," Gerard snaps, "that's your fantasy world. We're hours behind." They talk about their fear of elimination as they park at the castle. They run across the field toward the mat, half-laughing. "Phil!" Kenny yells. And then he mutters, still running, "Oh, he's too serious." Phil fixes Ken and Gerard with the hardest, coldest, most depressing stare he can muster. "Ken and Gerard," he says in a dark tone. They look back at him. And then, as I have been waiting to see someone do ever since Phil got so out of control with the dramatic pauses, they completely crack up. They just dissolve in giggles. "Lay it on us, Phil," Gerard says. "You're team...number five," Phil delivers flatly. Ken and Gerard turn to each other, and -- you guessed it: "YAAAY!" They hug and laugh. Gerard waves his fists at the sky. "We're alive!" he yells. Damn, they are too cute. They are right up there with my favorite adorable teams of all time -- so naturally funny, and such enthusiastic guys, and such good racers. They'll probably come in fourth, I suppose.
Firecop, in Innsbruck at last. They approach Annasaule. When they get there, they find a clue that sends them directly to the pit stop. Not good news, fellas. They get to the castle, and as they take their bags out of the back of the car, Damon comments that he can hear the fat lady singing right now. They step to the mat, and to no one's surprise (particularly their own), they are Philiminated. Andre says that he hopes that their experience on the show will teach people that cops and firefighters are just regular people, and that that will help bridge the gap between law enforcement and the community. A nice thought. I'm afraid the gap is likely to be a little more resilient than that, but it's a nice thought. Andre then says he has something to give to Phil. He reaches inside his jacket and pulls out the one dollar they got for the leg, which still looks crisp and lovely. "We didn't need it," he says, laughing. Oh, good move. I liked that. Congratulations, Firecop, on a nice exit.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Everyone hates Ian. Everyone wonders what the hell is up with Flo and Zach. Teri's pants are falling down. It's madness, I tell you -- madness!