Previously on The Bald and The Beautiful: The green hills of Scotland gave way to the red wine of Portugal. Bunching gave way to even more bunching, which gave way to a nine-way tie. Portuguese kids stayed up past their bedtimes to kick stuff at the teams, and viewers at home sent numerous emails to CBS asking where they could sign up for that gig. Alliances were abandoned as the end of the leg approached, and when all was said and done, it came down to getting from the soccer stadium to the pit stop. The clue said to "walk," but Heather and Eve thought that under some interpretations that are acceptable in Louisiana (where everything is different because of Napoleon), "walk" might potentially be read to allow you to take a taxi, so that's what they did. As it turned out, Bruckheimer's minions take a very strict, pinched, overly legalistic view of the word "walk," under which taxis were not acceptable. Heave was eliminated. It was all the cameraman's fault. Ken and Gerard said, "YAAAY!" but I'm sure it wasn't because Heave was eliminated. (I have to say that, usually, I don't go into a lot of detail about the production of the previouslys, but the part this week where the teams all read the "walk" clue -- which goes, "Walk to the pit stop!" "You must walk!" "You must walk!" -- has not only a biting wit, but also a lovely rhythm. Nicely done. On the other hand, I remain sad that my favorite piece of incidental music -- The Horns Of Perseverance, which goes, "BLATBLATBLAT BLATBLATBLAT BLATBLATBLAT BLAT!" -- has apparently been relegated permanently to the previouslys.) "Who will be eliminated..." Birds fly south for the winter. "…tonight?"
Credits. Although diesel passenger vehicles make up less than two percent of all passenger vehicles in the United States, they now make up nearly one-third of the new vehicle sales in Europe. One spilled gallon of gasoline can pollute 750,000 gallons of water. The official language of Morocco is Arabic, but business and government are often conducted in French. As of this writing, it is 55 degrees in Fez, and the relative humidity is a comfortable 58 percent. [BOMP.]
Drunken cameramen careen around Lisbon. Finally, they are able to get away from their distractions and focus on zooming in over the waters of the Tagus River, up to the Torre de Belem. Phil reminds us that this was the fourth pit stop on a race around the world. He is in an army-green button-down shirt that makes him look like he might be in jail. Phil, are you in trouble? Do you need bail money? Drop me a line. I don't have any money, but I'd visit you and bring you a little clue envelope with a file in it. Anyway, because we don't want the teams to be starving, tired, and antisocial -- well, not any more than they are already -- it's time for them to Eat, Rest, and Mingle. The E/R/M montage is really short, but we are treated to a really unattractive shot of Michael eating. Which is not really his fault, because scarfing down food on a deadline is not a recipe for looking hot. Zach goes to sleep on what looks like a senior center's rec room couch. Interestingly, over the talk of "mingl[ing] with the other teams," we see only Aahab talking to each other and Michael and Kathy hanging out with each other. Perhaps the interteam mingling isn't what one might hope for. From what we know of them, I would think all the HugeTinies would be hanging out and talking smack about their teachers and planning the senior prank and all that good stuff. But I guess they're distracted by the clues, the envelopes, and the tragic speed addiction of the Exposition Hands. You know, the ripping sound effect when EH opens the envelope is much more obtrusive than usual this week. I think they have a new sound guy, and he loves the ripping sound. He's all about the ripping sound. He's a slave to the ripping. Phil wonders whether Aaron and Arianne will dig their way out of the cellar, and whether Teri and Ian will once again suck slightly less than someone else and thus avoid being sent home yet again, much to the dismay of those of us who would like to see them take their act on the road back to their own home.
2:29 PM. Ken and Gerard prepare to depart. The clue tells them to get to the westernmost point of continental Europe. My God, THANK you. Now that is a "clue." I've been having a hard time referring to "Go here, stupid, using this method of transportation, and please try not to run over anything or accidentally choke on your tongue" as a "clue." Phil explains that what the teams need to find is Cabo da Roca, which is only twenty-two miles away. You'll notice that the Cabo da Roca promotional department isn't exactly hiding the ball about being the westernmost place in continental Europe. It has a big sign on it that says, "PONTA MAS OCCIDENTAL DO CONTINENTE EUROPEU." I bet it's popular for honeymoons: "Well, honey, this certainly is the westernmost point in continental Europe! Want to neck?" Gerard and Ken find a shady spot under a tree, and Gerard unfolds a big map. As he locates the spot on the map, Gerard voices over that the other teams are starting to figure out that they indeed might be a slight threat. Well, yeah. You'd think they might be beginning to catch on, even if they're not that bright. Which most of them aren't. Among other things, this team shows one of the signs of really strong racers, which is that whenever there's another bunching, they usually manage to come out in front. Gerard locates Cabo da Roca on the map. Ken asks if they have to fly, and Gerard says it's too close to fly. It is during this sequence that I notice something very sad, which is that Gerard's hat says, "Team Oh Brothers!" Yes, with exclamation point. Eeew.
Despite the fact that we know Michael is not crazy about this task himself, he seems to put that aside as he realizes that Flo is not okay. "I'll be right by your side, Flo," he tells her. He tells her not to worry about what's at the bottom, just look at the rope and don't worry. Meanwhile, Teri and Ian are preparing to come down . "What happens if that undoes?" Teri asks ungrammatically. "You fall," Ian tells her. She looks around nervously. "Maybe we should have walked," she sighs. Heh.
Tense music plays as Flo tries to start the descent. "Aaah-eeh-eeh-eeh," she half-sobs. "Flo, you're okay," Michael says to her. "I can't put my other foot down, Michael," she wails. He tries to get her to look at him, but she won't. He tells her he's scared, too, but she just begs to be pulled back up. "Just put another foot down. The rope is safe. The rope is safe," Michael continues. And you know what's funny? He's suddenly dropped all that unbelievably affected, slurring, Benicio del Toro nonsense, which is how you know it's all a big fat act. I have to say, it would be nice if Michael were this guy all the time, rather than burying this guy under that other guy. Because that other guy is a pain in the ass, as well as an enormous bore. None of his valiant efforts, however, work on Flo, who continues to cry even harder. "You gonna quit?" Zach asks her, a little incredulous. She wails incoherently. "Mweeeeaaaaah, ha-ha," she sobs. "Aw, shoot," Zach mutters, I think genuinely surprised at the fact that it's gone this far.
Commercials. It's surprising how fast we all got over Jerry Seinfeld, isn't it? He's like Alan Alda now. "Oh, yeah. He was on TV once."
Flo scrambles back up the cliff, backing out for good. "Forget it. You tried it, you know?" Zach says, half-reassuringly, but half-disappointed as well. He says they can go take the walk and relax, but his frustration is pretty evident. As I said, I have a feeling this is not exactly a new experience for Zach, with the crying and the moaning. As they take off walking, they pass Teri and Ian. "You guys didn't go?" Ian snots. "Good luck," he says, and sticks out his hand, only to have to pull it back when no one shakes it. Heh. When they're gone, Ian comments to the camera that he and Teri can get ahead, because the rappel won't take as long as the walk.
Ah, here come the stragglers -- the train-taking, Santa-Apolonia-visiting Band of Brothers and Firecop. Ken and Gerard read the clue and pick the rappel.
The Acoustic Guitar Of Time Passing twangs in the background as day turns into sunset, and sunset turns to night. In the Aahab cab, Aaron says, "Right now, we need to stop somewhere and fuel up." The music does not go "dun dun dun," but it should. "This little baby," he says merrily, "she needs a nice batch of unleaded." Can you believe he actually said that? Way to wave a red flag in front of the Fuel Gods, man.
Firecop pulls in to get gas. When Andre opens the fuel tank door, Damon points to it and notes that it says "DIESEL." "It does?" Andre says, looking for himself. Indeed it does. Meanwhile, John Vito and Jill also go in search of a fill-up. They note also that the tank door says "DIESEL."
Aahab, at the gas station. "I think it's 'without lead,'" she says. "'Sin plomo.'" They stick the nozzle in their tank. I don't know who in the hell came up with this Noise Of Psychotic Possessed Fuel Tanks Of Doom that they use here, but it is absolutely hilarious. It sounds like wind chimes on PCP. Elsewhere, Michael says that he had trouble explaining that he needed unleaded gas. He puts the bad green nozzle in, too, but instead of Acid Wind Chimes, he gets Ominous Rumbling.
Teri and Ian pull into a station. Teri sees that there's a spot for diesel and a spot for regular. "We're not diesel, are we?" she asks. "No," Ian says, without checking or wondering or taking her seriously or anything. Man, welcome to the Schadenfreude Follies. He goes for the green nozzle. This time, it's a sort of Rolling Cymbal-Enhanced Rumbling.
And now for something completely different -- Ken and Gerard are happily progressing toward Algeciras. They explain that they've put gas in the SUV (apparently successfully), and Gerard got a sandwich. "Gerard needs his sandwich," Kenny notes. "Well, I'm hungry! I have to eat!" Gerard says.
Derek and Drew tell us that the Bald Snark has the map and is in the lead. They also say they wish they themselves were doing the leading. Ew, why? I'm sorry, but I would trust Ken and Gerard to guide me a lot more than Derek and Drew, so I don't know why they'd want to lead themselves. Oh, and Drew is wearing his geek glasses. Mmm, geek glasses. He notes that they got "some diesel." Not too stupid, those twins.
In the Aahab cab, Aaron notes that now they "have [their] gas," so all is well. As he says this, though, he suddenly notes that the car is behaving strangely. Hmm, what a surprise!
Zach fills up the FloZach tank, and he fills it with...unleaded. But the music guy is tired, because all Zach gets is a barely perceptible jangle of doom.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
time: Flo fights with Teri and Ian over a particularly enchanting cab driver. Aaron and Arianne wear those twee chemical element shirts, and apparently have a lot of trouble with driving again. Hee. There is running.