Previously on Stop Watching The Bachelor and Birds Of Prey, Dammit: Heather got dumped on her face by a donkey. Ian was loud and pushy, and not in the good way. Pretty boys were back, and this time, they really were stupid. Ken and Gerard were bald and funny, and there's always room for bald and funny. A donkey dumped Heather on her face. Tall guys and short girls ran around yelling. When it was all over, the soccer moms left to go home and yell at the coaches who didn't give their kids enough playing time. Oh, and Heather's face had the rest of Heather dumped on it by a donkey. Who will be eliminated tonight?
The first thing you should know is that I'm working on this recap while I am home from work, sick as a dog. So you should imagine me coughing a particularly sexy phlegm-laden cough, and continuing to accumulate a hell of a pile of used Kleenex. It's just me and my jeans and my TWoP baseball shirt and my periodic sniffling, baby. Also, my hair has that I-am-not-going-to-work-today, ponytail-of-pathos look. Right now, I am debating whether I have the energy to go find socks. I'm also running a bit of a temperature, so I'm kinda pink and clammy. I am a dreamboat on wheels today, believe me. Admit it, you are sorry you aren't here to snuggle up to me at this particular moment in time.
Credits. In June of this year, an "amorous" dolphin named Georges began making sexual advances on divers in an English town, so efforts were made to relocate him to France (logically enough). The flight of the Voladores is an ancient dance of prayer. Half of all boating accidents involve personal watercraft, with an overwhelming number of those accidents attributed to inexperienced and untrained users. The Pyramid of the Sun is one of three pyramids in Teotihuacan, which was a large city until it burned in approximately 700 A.D. and was abandoned. One researcher has found that women cry an average of 5.3 times per month, while men cry an average of only 1.4 times per month. [BOMP.]
Fade up on spring break in Mazatlan. No wonder the cameramen are sloshed. Is that David Arquette participating in an MTV game show? Oh, no. It's just the teams, taking a break at the first pit stop. It seems like the pit stops get more luxurious every year. It's turning into The Amazing Tour Of Five-Star Hotels. As usual, there is eating, sleeping, and mingling, although it looks like it's a little more fun than it was in the desert or in tents in the jungle. Amateurs. You will be shocked to learn that Heather and Eve do their mingling in their swimsuits, which is so you can see how intelligent they are. Now it's time for Phil, Exposition Hands, route markers, and sealed envelopes. It's all very dramatic, assuming you've never seen the show before. Phil wonders aloud what rivalries will emerge, other than Ian and Eve's pitched battle for First To Get Poked In The Eye By The Recapper.
10:36 PM. Ken and Gerard rip open their clue. It tells them to get to the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacan. I love how they show dramatic shots of the road and a speedometer whenever Phil describes driving somewhere. What I like about this particular speedometer shot is that it's in kilometers, which makes it look like the driver is really flying. Woo! We hit eighty! I want a speedometer in feet per minute. "Hi, mom! I'm calling from the road! I'm doing three hundred twenty thousand!" Anyway, when the drive is over, it will be time to go up 248 steps to the route marker. Phil says it's twenty stories up. And they have to climb the whole way. Bleh. In their SUV as they get underway, Kenny tells us that they've named their team "Oh, Brother," so that other teams can say, "Oh, Brother! They're passing us again!" Of course, if they don't watch out, it will be, "Oh, Brother! Nicknaming yourself is the path to destruction!"
1:09 AM. Flo and Zach count out the fairly generous cash booty of $360 for the leg. I guess he really is going to wear those headbands for the entire race. I was hoping maybe last week was some kind of aberration, like maybe he was celebrating some obscure religious holiday that only comes once a year. It appears I am not to be so lucky. As they get into their SUV, Flo raves in a voice-over about how very, very brilliant Zach is as a navigator, and how lucky she is to be with him on the race. Blah dee blah natural-compass-in-his-nose-cakes. Flo says that she and the Moptopped Navigator are leaving with Aaron and Arianne, hoping that four empty heads are better than two. Surely, there's someone who specializes in The Theory Of Small Things, or The Math Of Very Tiny Amounts, who could tell me whether there's any validity to that theory. Perhaps someone who studies quarks.
1:11 AM. Here come Aaron and Arianne now. I was hoping maybe they would have been deported between episodes or something. Or disqualified for lying. Why can't we ever get annoying people disqualified, like they do on American Idol? Arianne pronounces the city they have to find "Tee-oh-tee-oh-hoss-at-lan." Oh, so close. In an interview, Aaron and Arianne mock Flo and Zach for being so "hard-core," particularly picking on Zach for having a light strapped to his head for better map-reading. Quite honestly, that seems like a pretty good idea to me. She also makes fun of Flo and Zach for having already figured out the map, not that this is going to stop her from following them. Aaron puts his hands over his eyes at the hilarity of her observations. It's possible that Arianne is speaking some language I don't speak, which would explain why I'm missing the hilarity. Aaron says, about Flo and Zach, that he guesses there's some kind of will-they-or-won't-they vibe about them. "Why haven't they just done it?" he says dramatically. "Why haven't they just done it?" Arianne repeats. And then they laugh hysterically, because that's...so funny. I guess. Or something. You know, I just figured out why they bother me so much. It's the ceaseless, intolerable mugging for the cameras. I have yet to see them in a moment that looks remotely genuine. They're overexerting themselves to the point where they come off like circus performers, and I'm dying for them to just knock it the hell off already before I start throwing Cracker Jack. I think it's entirely possible that I would like them if they would just stop laboring so hard all the time. Oh, and the laughing hysterically at themselves isn't very appealing, either. It bugs me when I see it on old episodes of The Carol Burnett Show, and I don't like it any better now. I am also not happy that whenever I type her name, I hear in my head, "I really wanna tell you, Arianne, Arianne...I'm thinkin' of you Arianne, Arianne," and so forth. Way to ruin a perfectly good song. So...I think that's just about my full list of current complaints. As these two teams take off for the highway (with Flo and Zach in the lead), Aaron comments that the two teams running a half-hour behind them are planning on teaming up as well.
1:33 AM. Michael and Kathy get ready to take off. Kathy voices over that now that they've been dating long-distance for a while, their choices are that someone can move, they can just keep dating long-distance, or they can break up. I sit in my big green chair for a while, scratching my head and counting on my fingers, and...yep, that certainly would seem to cover the options. You can't take anything away from her thoroughness.
1:35 AM. John Vito and Jill. We certainly do have a lot of these teams where the guy is big and tall and the girl is shrimpy. She's little enough to fit in John Vito's pocket, I think. Jill voices over that the two of them have decided that the race will test them, but will likely only make them stronger. Of course, everyone thinks that at first, before the screaming and the fighting and the throwing up out the open car door. They agree to caravan with Michael and Kathy, and Jill says, "If you think we're going the wrong way, beep us. Or flash us!" Beep us? Flash us? Now we're getting somewhere!
2:16 AM. Heather and Eve. Eve is doing some kind of twisted flower child thing today. Nice headband, there, Moonbeam, but Woodstock is thataway. The editors feel obligated to again play tape of them explaining that they just graduated from Harvard Law, because they know you probably still don't believe it. They leave. But they don't go far enough for me.
Aaron and Arianne are still following Zach and Flo. Zach realizes that the Kathy/Michael/PocketVito group has caught up to them. Michael comments that they have made up a half-hour, dawg, which is a tribute to his mad driving skillz. I wish I were joking. Fortunately, he laughs a little after he says this, which helps a little. Jill is just happy that the entire MeHugeYouTiny alliance has coalesced into a single whole.
Ken and Gerard, meanwhile, have found their bald, round way to the pyramid. It doesn't open until 7:00 AM, so they're in for a little bit of a wait. I hope they enjoyed their lead.
3:29 AM. Dennis and Andrew. Dennis describes the trip as "a father's dream," and says that he and Andrew will be "talking about this when [he's] ninety."
3:33 AM. Teri and Ian. She announces as they drive off that their goal is to make it clear that there's nothing wrong with being fifty-ish. Of course, there is something wrong with being bossy, rude, and annoying, but there's going to be plenty of time, not to mention opportunity, for us to talk about that. There is also something deeply wrong with that hat Ian is wearing, but I'm trying to lay off the hats this year, lest it become as old, used-up, dried-out, overdone, and hoary as the Rally Monkey. Suffice it to say that when someone on the forums pointed out that it looked like it came from the French Foreign Legion Surplus Store (heh), I realized that that's where I've seen it -- in those Pepe Le Pew cartoons where he escapes his lovelorn ennui by giving his life to serve. Anyway, Teri loudly congratulates herself for finding the entire city they're going to on the map. Yeah, good one, Meriwether.
4:09 AM. It's Andre and Damon's start time, but they show up a bit late to The Mat Of Destiny, muttering that they overslept. As they get underway, Phil explains, over some tense wocka-wocka exposition music, that in the first leg, they accidentally failed to follow the mapped course during the donkey cart ride, so they have been penalized forty-eight minutes for the actual time they gained with the unauthorized shortcut, as well as what Phil calls the "standard minimal punitive penalty" of thirty minutes, for a total of seventy-eight penalty minutes. Phil says this as if we are all familiar with the standard minimum punitive penalty, which we are not. It's apparently a new thing -- just another step toward mandatory sentencing, which is certainly all the rage. Never let it be said that they don't change with the times. I have to say, actually, that I see this as a positive development. I've always thought the ability to follow the clues correctly and abide by the rules should play a bigger part in the result than it does (hello, minibus/taxi scandal), so if they're taking a step in that direction, it's a blessing. As they take off, they discuss the complications of Montezuma's Revenge and the fact that they didn't get to brush their teeth. There's something about that juxtaposition that's a little bit wrong, but I don't really want to give it a whole lot of thought.
4:28 AM. Tramel and Talicia take off. In their SUV, they slap hands and call themselves "TnT." When will these people learn that you're not allowed to name your own team? Do we look like we need help over here? They lament the bad luck they had on the first leg, but they vow to move on.
The MeHugeYouTiny Alliance has hit a snag, as Zach now seems to be navigating them in a rather aimless pattern around Mexico City. Ha! Aaron comments that while it may not be an "official alliance" (and four teams is much too big for an effective alliance on this show, incidentally, considering that it means trying to get sixteen people on a plane at a time), they have all "bonded together to edge out the twins." Arianne says that it's everyone against the twins. Aaron deems them "too pretty." Translation: We're not really comfortable with ourselves, so the way to make ourselves feel like we fit in as quickly as possible is to find someone to gang up on. How very Big Brother of them. Who knew there would be such an obvious parallel between Derek and Drew and Gerry? Aaron and Arianne interview vapidly about how the twins don't need to win, but they do. Bitch bitch bitch, mug mug mug. Yawn.
4:37 AM. Here go the famous and inexplicably reviled twins now. They immediately decide to go for the Fast Forward, which is a pretty questionable decision. The clues give hours of operation, and if they could tell from the clue that the pyramid had hours starting at 7:00, it's asinine to use their FF, because they're being handed an obvious opportunity to get back into it via good, healthy bunching. It's pretty clear from their conversation later that they simply misjudge how far away the pyramids are and how long it will take to get there, and I think it's silly for them not to have checked more carefully. So I think this bodes ill for how much they know about playing this game well. At any rate, the FF involves finding some guys called the Voladores at the Museum of Anthropology, and participating in this thing where you swing around a pole tied to a rope and try not to fall directly on your skull. I think Phil's description of this as a "traditional local stunt" performed by "daredevils" is a little off, considering that (as we learned during the credits) this is actually quite a sacred and ancient tradition, as I understand it. This is no Barnum and Bailey/Cirque Du Soleil acrobatic frolic.
MeHugeYouTiny is still lost. "Where are we, dude?" Aaron whines, apparently directing his wrath at Zach, who can't really hear the whining, what with being in another van and everything.
Surprisingly enough, the team to make it to the pyramid to join Ken and Gerard is Heather and Eve, who are apparently smarter than they look. This, of course, is not difficult.
Zach admits that they've been driving around now for "five painful hours." Aaron, in turn, says in his SUV that he's saddened by the fact that Zach didn't turn out to be "some sort of, like, uber-navigator." Arianne mutters that she thought Zach might be a "genius." Apparently, they haven't seen his hair. Aaron also uses the word "hard-core" again, which makes me think that these two need a twelve-step program to lay off some of this vocabulary. "Hard-core" goes with "alternative" in my list of "if you use it, you know nothing about it" words. Shut up, Aaron. Arianne does the episode title thing by saying, "This seems like the path straight to hell." I only wish. Of course, they'd get there and be like, "That Satan guy? I don't know what his, like, deal is? But those horns? He needs to file those puppies down, because they are not working for him, you know?"
Commercials. Haven't you been wondering why nobody sold frozen soup until now? I mean, that's the way to buy soup. You want to make sure you pay them to transport as much water as possible, because adding it yourself is a real pain.
MeHugeYouTiny is still lost. Sucks to be that full of yourselves and then find out you can't get from point A to point B without a GPS device, doesn't it? Moreover, now they're stuck behind a lumber truck, at which Aaron starts honking. Loudly. At 6:00 in the morning or whenever it is. Very nice behavior, kid. I'm sure the neighbors appreciate it, and it's probably going to help a lot.
Andre and Damon comment that they're going to find a hotel and look for someone who speaks English who can advise them. This no-Spanish issue is turning out to be quite a handicap.
Dennis and Andrew. Dennis says that Andrew was right about the navigating, and he laments not having listened, because now he's gotten them both lost. Ooh, a little bit of a bittersweet parenting metaphor! Did you catch it? Andrew grimaces in the back seat, but he's clearly feeling pretty good about Dad admitting that he got one right.
Teri and Ian have taken a wrong turn also, and they stumble across Dennis and Andrew. These two teams -- the nice and the nasty -- form a mutually opportunistic and transitory alliance to get to the pyramid. Elsewhere, Andre and Damon adopt a local and take him along in their SUV so he can lead them to the pyramid. He promises he knows how to get there.
Tramel, meanwhile, is getting directions. When he gets back in the SUV, Talicia compliments him on how well he's communicating, despite a lack of Spanish. "I just took it back to caveman times," he says. "Point, grunt, smile." She laughs. Heh -- me too. I actually communicate that way a lot, even with people who speak English.
MeHugeYouTiny is finally approaching the pyramid, as Flo yells harpily at Zach. After they're most of the way there, Aaron congratulates himself for passing Zach and pulling into the lead. Yeah, way to go, now that you've relied on someone else to get you all the way to the sign for the entrance. When MeHugeYouTiny arrives at the pyramid, they are distraught to see that Heave has already arrived. You've got to give Heave credit -- they made up an hour on those fools. "Tell me you're not annoyed," Aaron snots to Jill, attempting to stir up trouble, despite the fact that due the operating hours, it made absolutely no difference, and despite the fact that had he wanted to, he could perfectly well have busted out his own damn map and navigated for himself. This sequence of mocking Zach, following Zach, and then bitching about Zach's driving strikes me as totally ridiculous. I don't know what his normal mode is, but today, Aaron's being a real whiner. Everyone stands around doing the Operating Hours Bunching Boogie for a while.
As dawn arrives, Andre and Damon and their personal Fern are finding their way to the route marker. At 7:00 AM, MeHugeYouTiny, Heave, and the Brothers Contrastamazov are sent through the gates and run toward the pyramid. Gerard says that as they climbed the pyramid (he says "ran up the pyramid," but unless you're using some pretty flexible definitions...uh, not), they were passed by John Vito and Jill, who he refers to as "Rambette." Hee! He comments that Rambette "looked like a spider" climbing up there. I'll be damned if he's not right. I think it's partly that, because she's small, she can get down and use her hands to help stabilize her on the steps. Jill I am starting to like. She seems to be able to be no-nonsense without being rude or obnoxious. Also, she looks like if you annoyed her, she could crush you like a bug, despite being about five feet tall. I also imagine that she might deliver a well-placed knee if you called her "spunky." She is first to the clue, and it tells her and Jon Bon Vito (as I said in the forums quite a while ago, I loved him back when he did "You Give Love A Bad Name") to get themselves to the San Marino Marina in Cancun. Cancun? Dude, what is this, the Club Med season? Phil tells us, though, that they are required to take a bus to Cancun, which is over a thousand miles. Okay, so I suppose the extended bus travel is going to make up for any luxury they're able to wring out of Cancun itself. Ken and Gerard get the clue , and then the rest of MeHugeYouTiny and Heave.
Dennis and Andrew have gotten themselves a bit lost. Behind them, Ian complains about how slowly they drive, and how they should all have been at the pyramids an hour ago. Well, dude, you could have gone and taken the lead yourself if that had been your inclination. Again, I have to object to The Pitiful Whine Of The Follower. Of course, I guess complaining is more satisfying than just admitting that neither you nor the person you're following knows how to get where you're going. ["It is. Or, um, so I have heard." -- Sars] Whatever.
Jill and John Vito race toward the bus station, followed closely by Ken and Gerard. Gerard now reveals that not only does he call Jill "Rambette," but he calls John Vito "the Rock." Snerk. Not bad. I can just tell right now that I'm going to cry like a little girl when they're eliminated. The remainder of MeHugeYouTiny is hanging back with Heave, a bit behind the leaders.
Andre and Damon arrive at the top of the pyramid. They pull the clue and head back down, and as they leave, they run into Teri and Ian and Dennis and Andrew. (And also some people in nondescript green sweaters, but they have nothing to do with this show, so we won't talk about them. I certainly hope that the green sweater people enjoyed the pyramid, though.) Damon (I think) talks about how pleasant it was to see some other teams that were behind them, especially since they started the morning a half hour behind both of those teams. He specifically mentions how energizing it was to see Ian look so dejected. Yeah, I'm not sure Ian is exactly winning friends and influencing people, if you know what I'm saying. I like the little psych-yourself-up routine that Andre and Damon do as they walk. "Two!" "Two hours!" "Caught their ass and passed 'em!" It's cute. When they get to the van, they thank Fern-ando. (I think his name is actually Gustavo.)
Derek and Drew arrive at the museum to get the Fast Forward. The Head Volador (or whatever) shows them what they'll be doing, with the whole "fly through the air with the greatest of vertigo" idea. The less weird-looking twin (who I believe is Drew) comments that it might be worse than skydiving.
Tramel and Talicia must have struggled to get to the pyramid, because they get there and get to the top last. He encourages her on the climb, reminding her that down is going to be a lot easier than up.
Derek and Drew fly with the Voladores. They don't have to do it hanging by their feet, though, which makes it less likely that they will fall on their picturesque noggins, which sort of ruins the fun of it all. The way they do it, it doesn't actually look that scary at all. No worse than rappelling down a cliff. I've seen far more intimidating amusement park rides, and you have to do those after you've just eaten a wad of cotton candy. I have to say also that I'm constantly surprised that they look so skinny. They look a lot buffer in their widely-circulated naked pictures. Not that I've looked at any.
Drunken cameramen careen around the Tapo bus station, where Rambette and the Rock have arrived with Ken and Gerard to get tickets.
The whole swinging-with-the-Voladores thing turns out to be, all things considered, a bit anticlimactic. When it's over, the twins read the clue, and as Phil elaborates, it tells them to go straight to the pit stop, which is at the Diamante K Bungalows.
Kenny and Gerard have arrived at the bus station with John Vito and Jill. What's especially funny is that "Rambette" is apparently no behind-the-back snark, because Gerard calls out to Jill using exactly that name. "Rambette! Rambette!" Interestingly, they both get a point with me for that. One for him for being snarky to her face, and one for her for apparently not minding too much. Furthermore, when they start to run short of time and she gets frustrated, Jill sort of puts her face in Ken's chest. Aw. Friendship. I think Team We Stole Drew's Accent may wind up being by far my favorite of the MeHugeYouTiny teams.
In news of lesser MeHugeYouTinies, Flo and Zach pull into the bus station, followed by Aaron and Arianne, who manage to actually mug in the course of announcing that they found the bus station. How do they do that? Inside, Jill and John Vito and Ken and Gerard climb aboard the 10:00 AM bus just as the couple of teams show up. As Zach goes for tickets, Flo heads right for the sign that says "Departures." Zach points out that they need tickets first. "Departures is tickets, isn't it?" There's nothing wrong with what she's saying here, but the way she says it...man. Something about the way this girl talks just makes me want to haul off and smack her. She's also in her second bandanna of the day (she was in red this morning; she's in blue now), which seems a little excessive to me. Flo takes some pleasure in catching up with Aaron and Arianne and telling them that they "ditched the girls" (meaning Heave). Nice. Speaking of the Heavers, here they come. Andre and Damon approach the airport as well, as the MeHugeYouTinies grab their tickets for the 10:00 AM. When Heave gets to the ticket counter, they're put on the path to tickets on the 10:00 AM, but then there's some kind of delay, and it gets a little dicey. And how does Eve respond to adversity? She plays into stereotypes that other women have spent years fighting! What fun. She tells us that when the guy came over to talk to her, she started crying hysterically, trying to "work it" so they could get on that bus. I suddenly feel obligated to apologize for her, on behalf of all female attorneys who are not like that at all.
Andre and Damon pull up outside and note the buses. "Look at those buses, dawg." Well...it's a bus station, after all.
All of the MeHugeYouTinies make it onto the first bus with Gerard and Ken and Jill and John Vito (who I'm starting to enjoy enough that I hesitate to lump them in with the rest) and Heave. Andre and Damon almost make it, but not quite. They lament having missed the first bus, and I can't blame them. But you know, it's a game of minutes. Rob said it in Season One, and Blake said it in Season Two, so it must be true. Oracles, I tell you. Both of them.
Andre and Damon are joined at the bus station by the trailing teams, including Teri and Ian, Derek and Drew, Tramel and Talicia, and Andrew and Dennis. "The little gap that we had, the teams behind us, they caught up," Andre laments. I send him a TWoP/TAR dictionary, with "bunching" circled. Derek and Drew discuss their fate with Ian, who points out that there are several teams ahead of them. Incidentally, Derek and Drew are wearing matching de-sleeved shirts in a little gingham-y check. One in red, one in blue. They're like a walking Frank room. They should have rooster tattoos, and then instead of having real six-pack bellies, they could just paint pictures of six-pack bellies on themselves. Anyway, Ian tells them that he thinks the FF will stake them to a spot in the top five in the end of the leg, since they'll be able to skip the rest of the tasks once they get to Cancun. In an interview, Derek and Drew point out that the entire point of the FF is to be first. They're kind of dopey, but they make a good point. I think Ian is maybe not quite grasping how much leg is probably left at this point. Ian, back in the Pepe Le Pew hat, says that one of the four non-FF teams will be eliminated. "We're hoping it's not us." Well, dare to dream.
Phil, with the help of an especially tired-looking Amazing Yellow Line, says that the teams are on a twenty-four-hour bus ride to Cancun. Yuck. You'd have to start that trip with, "Four hundred thousand bottles of beer on the wall, four hundred thousand bottles of beer...." When they get there, they need to find the San Marino Marina. Phil recaps who's on what bus, in case you became distracted by the hypnotic AYL. First bus is Ken and Gerard, John Jill Bon Vito, the MeHugeYouTinies, and Heave. Note the cameraman caressing John Vito's arm. Mm, John Vito's arm. On the second bus are the Gingham Posse, Teri and the Pew, Tramel and Talicia, Andre and Damon, and Andrew and Dennis.
At 12:15 AM, the second bus does something that causes a big crashing noise.
Commercials. Hey, that dork has my cell phone. Do I have to get a different one now?
The racers on The Bus Of Doom get up to check out the damage. It appears that the bus has collided with a white car, and both are out of commission. As Derek and Drew explain the situation in the middle of the night, both are wearing their glasses (probably took their contacts out before they went to sleep). I must have a really overwhelming and pathological geek fetish, because this is the first time they've looked hot to me, ever. I think it's partly because I normally find their eyes sort of small and beady, and the glasses help alleviate that. Or else I just have a thing for geeks, which I wouldn't discount as a possibility. The bus lady informs the anxious teams that they'll be getting a new bus in about twenty or thirty minutes. Everyone laments the additional delay. Bus #1, on the other hand, continues to race along happily. Heather shows us that she is eating peanut butter and jelly. How fascinating. Meanwhile, those on The Bus Of Doom get aboard a new bus so they can get on their way again. Tramel and Talicia tell us that it's nothing to worry about. All they need is a spark, because they're Team TnT. I'm telling you -- naming yourself? Is bad luck. Ask the "Gutsy Grannies."
Morning comes, and the first bus gets to Cancun. Everyone runs for taxis. There is a lot of confirming with cab drivers that they know where the marina is. In the Aaron/Arianne cab, Aaron explains that they aren't sure whether they'll be needing their swimsuits today, and since they've only been on the bus for twenty-four hours and obviously had no opportunity to change in a bathroom or anything, Arianne will be taking her top off in the cab. But it's by necessity, really. They're not attention hounds or anything. "Girls Gone Wild!" she shouts in a way she is sure is very, very funny, as she whips her shirt off in the back of the taxi, to the great amusement of the driver. There just isn't enough "whatever" in the world to properly service this scene.
The HugeTinies arrive at the marina at about the same time, along with Jill Shake Your John Bon Vito, Ken and Gerard, and Heave. It's Team Bus Number One, still bunching in a big bunchy bunch. They pull the clue, and it's a Detour. Two tasks, pros and cons. The choices this week are Horsepower or Manpower. In Horsepower, you get on a WaveRunner and search a big area for your clue. In Manpower, you get in a kayak and search a small area. Zach and Flo, Aaron and Arianne, and Heave are all over the WaveRunners, because of course you look much cooler on a WaveRunner than in a kayak. Michael and Kathy, Jill Bon Jovito, and Ken and Gerard, on the other hand, opt for the kayak. Arianne snots in an interview that Michael and Kathy didn't do the skydive and chose the kayak, so she fears that Michael's "cowardice" is something that will interfere with Kathy's "needing a big strong man around." Clearly, she does not understand the complex theory of detours. This detour is not about cowardice. This is not a Reckless/Chicken detour. It's a Tortoise/Hare detour. You could find the clue very quickly using the WaveRunners, or you could struggle a lot, as we will see later. The kayak is (or should be) a fairly safe choice, assuming you keep your cool. Among other things, Arianne is one of those girls who says everything with the pitch of her voice going up at the end? As if she's asking a question? No matter what she's saying? After a while, that habit makes me absolutely nuts. If you combine that with the fact that she's one of those people who thinks if you say something completely stupid, but you know it's completely stupid (as with the "cowardice"/"big strong man" line), that is, in and of itself, funny. Which it isn't. She just crossed over right there from mildly annoying to really and seriously annoying. Shut up.
John Vito's gigantic arms ask Jill whether she feels all right with doing the kayak, and she says yes. What she actually says is, "I can fuckin' paddle." See what I mean? She's a pistol, but don't tell her I said so, because she would hurt me. I'm not sure she's actually going to have to touch the paddles anyway. Kenny, meanwhile, searches for a vest that fits him. Man, he's not that big of a guy, either. They ought to have a vest that will fit him. Bastards.
The WaveRunner teams zip around thinking about how cool they are, and how much they belong in a commercial for Hawaiian Tropic. Oh, and intermittently, they look for the clue. Heather puts her hand up to shade her eyes in a way that you know she thinks is extremely picturesque. "Take! My! Picture!" you can almost hear her thinking. In an interview, Arianne complains about how big the lagoon was, illustrating once again that she does not understand detours. Of course it was big, hon. That's what makes it a real choice. Flo and Zach find the clue first. Phil explains that after they find the clue, the teams have to land their vehicles at a beach club, where they'll pick up Jeeps that they'll drive forty-three miles to pick up a ferry to Cozumel, and then they'll head for Chankanaab Park. Wow, that's a lot of steps. There are some of these teams who I'm pretty sure must have read the clue a lot of times and quite possibly written it down on their hands to remember to do that many things in a row.
Flo and Zach de-boat. As he walks away from her, she calls out to him. "He-LLO?" You see, he has to take her bag. Because she can't climb out with her pack, even though that's what he just did. You know, I think this is why I like Jill. At least she's not pulling this crap every five minutes. Carry my bag, give me a ticket because I'm crying, yakkety yak. It's a real drag. Once they're out, they grab a red Jeep and speed off into the great beyond, never to be seen again. No, not really. I only wish.
Back at the WaveRunners, Arianne and Aaron and Heave meet up and go looking for the clue together. Doesn't make any sense, but hey, we'll go with it.
Meanwhile, Ken and Gerard are paddling. "I felt like the Queen of the Nile in the back of the kayak," Kenny voices over enthusiastically. The fellas find the clue and get going.
Aaron and Arianne and Heave find the clue. "We're going to Cozumel!" Aaron yells. Because it just can't be said enough: Shut up, Aaron.
Elsewhere, Jill and John Bon Appetito are continuing to kayak. They're having trouble actually locating the clue. Kathy and Michael, on the other hand, find it and get rolling in a jiffy. When Jill and John Vito see the returning Heave and Aaron/Arianne on their WaveRunners, they decide to THUNK it and quit the detour in the middle and go for the other route. I have to say, it's hard to know exactly without seeing it from their point of view, but I think that is almost always the wrong move. I find it very hard to believe that quitting midstream is likely to be faster than just sticking with what you're doing, almost ever. Sigh.
Aaron, Arianne, and Heave dock their WaveRunners and take off, as do Michael and Kathy and Gerard and Kenny. Aaron is wearing the ugliest shorts/swim trunks I have ever seen. They're kind of pink and red in some sort of hideous blotchy print. My goodness. I have to think it's better to look like an Abercrombie & Fitch campaign than to look like you just got out of prostate surgery and received inadequate bandaging. Meanwhile, Jill and John Vito return the kayak and go for the WaveRunner. A random shot of Flo and Zach enthusing over being first is inserted, and then it's back to Jill and The Arms Of Destruction, heading off in the WaveRunner, lamenting what JV says is the "hour and twenty-three minutes" they wasted on the kayak. They don't appear to take too long to find the clue.
Flo and Zach buy Cozumel ferry tickets. Hot on their heels are Heave, Aaron and his Aannoying Aassociate Arianne, and Ken and Gerard, who are a few minutes behind. Heave approaches, and they have the following conversation: "Ferry?" "There it is!" "To Cozumel?" "There it is!" "To Cozumel?" Somebody whack them on the back -- they're skipping. Anyway, Heave and Aaggravating get tickets. The fellas, on the other hand, after not quite running to get to the dock, are left on shore to grieve, doing their best deserted girlfriend and watching the boat dejectedly as it sails away. The annoying teams are all in the lead. How very sad. Arianne leans off the back of the boat, doing her Titanic impression. Wow. She sure is "alternative." Those Titanic references? Still fresh, lo these years and years later. Just a hint: One of the best reasons not to congratulate yourself for how alternative you are is to leave yourself the broadest possible range of pop culture references that won't prove you're a big poser. I'm just saying.
Back at the bus station, Bus Of Doom II: Bus Of Doom's Revenge is rolling in. The twins are off to the pit stop, courtesy of their FF. Everyone else will be looking for the marina. "Do you know where it is?" Ian asks their cab driver as they put their stuff in. The cab driver says he does. "You better know where it is," he snaps. Oh, good. We haven't had a good old fashioned Ugly American moment yet this season, so it's good to have a nice healthy one to start the proceedings. In the TnT cab (okay, I'll go with it), Talicia notes that it's a four-way race to avoid elimination. , we see Teri and Ian yell at their driver, in unison and in an unforgivably rude fashion, "San Marino Marina!" You know, I don't care what the situation was. Doing it in unison like that is just freaking rude. How embarrassing to be the rudest people on the trip when you're in your fifties and you're in the presence of people like Aaron and Flo.
All four trailing teams head for the WaveRunners. Meanwhile, in Cozumel, the HugeTinies and Heave pile off the ferry and grab taxis.
Dennis and Andrew seem to be first among the trailers on WaveRunners to find the clue. Talicia, meanwhile, is in charge of driving the WaveRunner, but she seems to be very afraid of crashing it or missing the clue or something, because she's using it as more of a WaveCrawler. She's actually driving it as if to avoid creating any waves. I also think Tramel's sitting too far back -- he's got his pack between their bodies, and he weighs substantially more than she does, so I think they've got too much weight in the wrong place. He needs to scoot up and put his arms around her so they move their collective weight forward. I know, my advice is so helpful to them now. Sigh. Tramel encourages her to hit the throttle a little harder, but it's too late -- they tip over and fall in. I think what she didn't really get about the WaveRunners is that it's safer to zip along than it is to putter. Sigh. "I could walk faster," he complains. Probably true.
Andre and Damon are to reach the clue. As Tramel and Talicia try to get back on board, he voices over that one of her roles is to calm him down when he starts to freak out. She gets back on the WaveRunner all right, but as he climbs up, it tips again and dumps them yet again. "This is just a comedy of errors," she comments quite correctly. "I know. At least I get to pee, though," he adds, looking on what can, strangely enough, be considered "the bright side."
As Ian drives himself and Teri along in the WaveRunner, he abruptly tips it and dumps them both in the water. Whee! Are you starting to see how it's Tortoise/Hare? The kayak may not be so zippy, but you're unlikely to spend half an hour in the water because you can't get the hang of it.
Commercials. Videotape of your family is not enough, you technologically backward loser. You must have family DVDs to properly preserve your memories. Otherwise, you will forget everything that has ever happened.
Now, both Tramel and Talicia and Teri and Ian are trying to get back aboard their WaveRunners. Ian keeps telling Teri, "You gotta get on, girl!" I would actually think that was charming if it didn't sound so much like the way I think he talked to the donkey last week. ["Also, you can call your wife 'girl,' or you can wear that assy hat. Not both." -- Sars] Andre and Damon get their Jeep and head for Cozumel, while Tramel and Talicia finally get into the zone with the WaveRunner. Teri and Ian get to the clue, and he keeps yelling at her to "wait a minute" while she's trying to grab it. I just do not like him one bit. He gives me the creepy crawlies. I miss Davey bitterly. Where have all the pilots gone? Tramel and Talicia finally find the clue and get moving, but then they tip over yet again. This is almost as painful as watching the Twins' seventh inning yesterday. Although for it to be that agonizing, it would have to go on for, like, an hour.
Aaron and Arianne find their way to the Roadblock. Remember that a Roadblock is a task that only one team member performs. Or if you don't remember, listen to Phil, because he tells you. In this particular Roadblock, the selected person puts on a snorkel mask and fins, dives into a highly artificial and climate-controlled environment where some heavily sedated dolphins are swimming around in a placid manner, and picks up a clue from the bottom of the "ocean" or "pool" or "hot tub" or whatever it actually is. Phil actually says that the selected person has to "swim among a family of dolphins as they search for clues hidden on the bottom." I really don't think the family of dolphins is going to search for the clues that hard, so I wouldn't count on much help from them. Aaron and Arianne high-five, although they do refrain from the "Woo!" But then she yells, "Dolphiiiins!" Which is pretty much just as bad.
Tramel, still in the water, reads the Cozumel clue aloud, and then laboriously drags himself back on to the WaveRunner. Teri and Ian get their Jeep and head out, with Ian saying he's "afraid [they're] out of it," but they have to keep going. She looks grim. Which is sort of how she looks most of the time, actually. They don't really seem like happy people.
Flo and Zach reach the Roadblock, followed by Heave and Michael and Kathy. Michael tells Kathy he'll do the swim, and then he voices over that he did this before he remembered he can't swim. Ha! He has a whole sort of slur-voiced Benicio del Toro thing going on, like he just woke up all day long. It's kinda deadpan cute. Heather takes the swim for Heave, and Zach takes it for his team. Enya-esque music plays as Arianne dives into the water. The dolphins circle her, already finding her irritating. Well, they always say dolphins are smart. The editors don't forget to give you the obligatory shot of Heather dramatically flinging her shirt off as she prepares for the dive. Flo calls Zach "Z" as he gets in the water, and I think if you have a friend whose name starts with a Z, you simply cannot call him "Z." It's just too damn easy. "That way! That way!" Flo yells, having no idea which way he should actually go, but not allowing that to limit her in the giving of advice. Finally, Michael gets wet.
Arianne emerges with the clue first (feh), and she and Aaron read it on the dock. You'll recall that it says "Diamante K Bungalows," but Aaron reads it as "Dynamite K." Good grief. I understand struggles with driving stick or speaking Spanish or what have you, but reading out loud? Yeah, you should be able to handle that one. Turns out it's a fifty-seven mile drive to the pit stop, so there's plenty of time to get lost. Zach emerges with the clue , which leads to plenty of jumping up and down from Flo. Michael, meanwhile, worries that he's not going to be able to find the clue at all, with the trouble he's having breathing and the salt water he's been swallowing. Heather finds the clue , and she and Eve head out. Michael struggles, but finally, he digs deep and comes up with the clue. "I sucked it up," he interviews. Good man. That's how you do it. Kathy chuckles as she helps him out of the water. "You did good," she tells him quietly. Aw. "I can't kayak, I can't skydive, I can't swim," he says as he puts his shirt on, "but I can cook, though." "You can, because you did it," she protests. I kinda like them.
"I am in the best mood ever, because we are gonna start whoopin' some butt," Andrew enthuses in their Jeep on the way to the ferry. Andre and Damon are approaching as well.
Kenny dives with the dolphins and comes up with the clue. Yay!
Teams that have already Roadblocked return on the ferry. Flo encounters Andre and Damon, who are preparing to get on the ferry. They ask her if she's getting on the ferry, and she points out that they've already done it. She interviews that this filled her heart with happiness to know that there was a bunch that far behind. I'm happy she's happy and everything, but she wasn't really in danger of being eliminated, probably, and that two-hour lead will last until the first mega-bunching to come along, which will likely be soon. Leads really aren't cumulative, so it doesn't make all that much difference. Andre and Damon get ferry tickets.
As Dennis and Andrew walk, Dennis tells Andrew to get the Amazing Purse closed already. On cue, a piece of paper flutters from the Purse and lands on the ground. Dad scolds kid, kid picks up paper. Hee. "The dad in me wants to watch out for him," Dennis says, "but I hope we also kinda hit another level of relationship, to where we're friends and teammates." You know, I like them, too. You can know how reality television works, and you can know that there's a certain gimmickry to casting the whole Baptist/cheerleader dynamic, but...when you look at the two of them, you realize it's a really basic story, which is that they want to know each other, and they're afraid they don't. Dennis doesn't really approve of everything the kid is doing, and we could all have plenty to say about that, but I think he badly wants to understand him. Having known some kids and parents who don't even make that much of an effort, I have to respect them both for obviously wanting to find some sort of ground on which to have a relationship, which means fighting some pretty poor odds. I'm rooting for them more than a little, in more ways than one.
But Dennis needs a different mustache. This one is doing a kind of a Gerald McRaney thing that doesn't work for me at all.
Dennis and Andrew, Teri and Ian, and Andre and Damon make the ferry. Tramel and Talicia? Not so much. They're still driving. "We gotta go to...Chaka Khan...Chan Kanub...why can't nothin' ever be called Detroit?" Tramel laments. Heh. I would enjoy it if they accidentally went to Chaka Khan. She would probably be really surprised. That would be the biggest screw-up in reality television history, aside from Marcellas and his failure to veto himself.
Elsewhere, hanging from the kitchen curtain rods of grandmothers all across America, Red Gingham and Blue Gingham are speeding toward the Diamante K. Red Gingham (who I think is Derek) interviews that they've lived with the fear of elimination for the entire race. They get directions from some guys at a gas station, which means some things are the same the world over. While Aaron and Arianne and Heave head for the Diamante K as well, the twins bicker over whether they're following the directions properly. Eventually, Drew tells Derek to turn around, because he's convinced they've gone too far.
Back at the dolphin lagoon, John Vito Corleone is diving as Jill watches anxiously. He gets the clue, and they take off.
Here come Derek and Drew toward the pit stop. They edit it to look like it's a very close finish between Aaron and Arianne and Derek and Drew for first to the pit stop, but of course you can't really tell whether it is or not. Derek and Drew arrive at the mat first, and are mightily happy about being in the lead. Derek interviews that they are excited, because they started the leg last and wound up first. Which is fine, although they probably would have landed in the middle of the pack, even without the FF. Drew says that he thinks the other teams will be scared to see that they're up in front of the pack.
Dennis and Andrew, Andre and Damon, and Teri and Ian de-ferry and get cabs to go to the dolphins.
Aaron and Arianne land on the mat in second, behind the Tablecloth Twins. "Woooo!" I can tell they're going to be one of those Tara and Wil teams that I can't stand, but can't realistically expect to get rid of anytime soon. Whatever. Sometimes it's a game of endurance, recapping. Aaron talks about how they're "hell-bent" on getting rid of Derek and Drew. "They're an Abercrombie & Fitch campaign gone wrong!" Aaron says. My, my, what an imaginative quip. I would also point out that they are working the tragically hip wardrobe angle just as much as anyone -- probably more than the twins, who dress like dweebs as far as I can tell. Aaron and Arianne are quickly followed by Heather and Eve, and then immediately by Michael and Kathy. Flo and Zach arrive shortly thereafter.
The trailing teams are still on the road to Dolphinville. Andre and Damon goad their driver into passing Teri and Ian, which doesn't make Ian happy at all, and which therefore makes me very happy indeed.
Ken and Gerard land on the mat. We barely saw them this week, which I don't appreciate at all. More of the bald snark, please.
The trailers find their way to the Roadblock. Damon, Andrew, and Ian are your designated swimmers. First out of the water is Andrew (yay!), so they seem to get going pretty quickly. Ian is out . In a rather bizarre moment, Teri reads the clue, and when she gets to the part about "last team to check in will be eliminated," she starts screaming like she's completely shocked. Has she seen this show before? Dang. Andre directs Damon to get back to wherever the other guys were when they found the clue, and this appears to be helpful in getting him the clue at last.
Jill and John Vito arrive on the mat in seventh place. Considering how badly they bungled the Detour, which in turn caused them to miss the ferry, that's really not bad for them. I also want to give a big fat point to those who make this show for the fact that we have not seen a single 9/11 reference since the first fifteen minutes of the show, and I appreciate that very much. I was worried about where they were going with this, and leaving it alone for this long gives me hope.
Andre and Damon, Dennis and Andrew, and Teri and Ian all take off in their Jeeps, heading for the pit stop.
It appears to be quite a bit later when Tramel does the dolphin swim, because it's thoroughly dark. In what appears to be dusk, Dennis and Andrew and Andre and Damon make their way toward the bungalows, as do Teri and Ian. Ian chews his gum anxiously. on the mat are Andre and Damon, at number eight. Tramel and Talicia anxiously drive the pit stop route as well. Andrew and Dennis make it to the pit stop , very relieved that they're not eliminated.
They try to make this a very tense race between Teri and Ian and Tramel and Talicia, but I suspect it's really not this close at all. Tramel and Talicia were a full ferry behind Teri and Ian, and unless they picked up a lot of time, this is mostly tension created by crafty editors. Those crafty editors! Unsurprisingly, Teri and Ian survive as the last team to find safety on The Mat Of Destiny.
Tramel and Talicia trudge onto the mat. "We've been here before, Phil," she says. "Let us have it." Phil Philiminates them as gently as he can. Phil's little dramatic pauses are getting way out of hand. I understand about the suspense and everything, but...damn. These days, you can get up and get a sandwich between when they get to the mat and when Phil delivers the news. Anyway, "You've both been eliminated from the race," Phil says. "That's cool," Talicia offers gamely. "I wasn't even listening," Tramel deadpans. "You can tell us at the pit stop." Tramel and Talicia proceed to be the some of the coolest Philiminatees ever, being kinda funny but also kinda sweet, with the "the victory isn't always in the win" and the "even though we didn't persevere to the end, we persevered to our end," and all of that. They confirm that they "had a blast," and they sign off. Aw, they were fun. Good show, y'all.
week: The MeJealousYouLustful Alliance teams up against Derek and Drew, not that I would make any guesses as to why. Ken and Gerard fall from a boat into the water, because they're the round bald guys, and that's the law. Everyone drives around in the mud in something that is most definitely not a tank, dammit.