Previously on It Takes Sixty Votes To End A Philibuster, But One Judge Can Invalidate A Wil: Kangaroos weren't especially relevant to the race, but they did an efficient job of conveying the key concept of Hey, Dummy, You Are In Australia! The outback was a challenge, but a fabulous fleet of SUVs, a harem of friendly truck drivers, and a few chartered puddle-jumpers were very helpful. The Teeth clenched when Boston baked their beans, but then Paige said, "Form of -- a red boat!" and Blake said, "Shape of -- a river!" and they used the Fast Forward to zip into the lead. Wil overcame his fear of heights and Danny overcame his fear of being strangled by Oswald, and everyone bungee-jumped successfully. In New Zealand, there were sheep. And more sheep. And they were not just regular sheep -- they were crafty and speedy and quite frankly not very obedient. Wil yelled at them, but Tara told them not to take it personally. Chris endeared himself to silly women all over America, and Oswald proved that even more than Spanish, charm is the universal language. Four teams remain. Who will be eliminated...tonight!?
Credits. As Pete Seeger once said, don't let your neighbor look at you peculiarly if you sing too loud: "Here's! A! Plane! Big words about! The! Game! That's Blake and Paige! (Just! Friends!) Norm, Hope, and Cha-Cha's Benz! Ta-ra, Wil! Hang glider, Deidre, Hil! One map, no necks! The Revs...Peg, Claire...Team Thunk...Peach hair! Xe-rox...Boats! Sun! Street! The beach in blinding heat! Big logo! [BOMP.]"
Commercials. Teach your child to have hope. To strive for success. To never lose faith. To dare to dream. To buy the big television.
Invernary Sheep Station, New Zealand. We've got sheep. Oh, boy, have we got sheep. We've got loads and miles and teeming hills of them. Need a wool sweater? Need a wool hat? Wool blazer? Steel wool? Eager to shop at Woolworth's? You've come to the right place. (I cannot confirm or deny that I had a two-minute mental fog at this early point in the recap and originally wrote what I have to say was a pretty damn good line which unfortunately rested on the premise that you get cotton from sheep. I have over $100,000 sunk into my education. Whee!) Phil says that four teams arrived here at the end of the last leg, but apparently Eating, Sleeping, and Mingling were strictly forbidden, because Phil (quite shockingly) does not mention these usually ubiquitous activities at all. He moves ahead directly to how the Final Four have no idea what's in store as they search desperately for the elusive yellow-and-red flags. Out in a field in his devil-may-care black-and-gray Eddie-Bauer-style ensemble, he explains that this is the last elimination leg. Phurthermore, Phil phills us in on the phact that Danny and Oswald are leaving an hour after the third-place team. What will happen? Let's phind out! (This is where Gustave is all, "Kan I kollect damages for kopyright infringement?")
Sheep run away from the camera. Shermy the Sheep: "Leave us alone! We are gentle animals, not versed in your advanced technology and extravagant production values!"
2:13 AM. The Teeth have busted out some matching gray jackets and black knit hats, so now you know they're serious. Paige has her hair down this morning, so she looks more like Suzy Chapstick than ever. They rip open the clue, and it tells them to get to the Maori Arts and Crafts Institute. Phil explains that today, they're driving in Road Rules-style campers (although with no horns on the front), and they need to go five hundred miles to a village populated by "the indigenous people of New Zealand." (With any luck, they will do a better job with the driving than the camper that's shown during Phil's explanation, which is all over the fog line like somebody on World's Wildest Police Videos.) As he was back in Bangkok, Phil is awed by the fact that the teams have to complete this drive "with only a map to guide them." season, if we have one? A GPS device in everyone's nose. It would add a whole new dimension to The Amazing World Map. Anyway, they have to start by getting themselves to Picton to grab the ferry to Wellington. (Did you know that New Zealand is two islands? Well, it is. And they're switching islands today.) The first ferry they can get is at 11:30 AM, and the after that is at 1:30 PM. The Teeth notice that they only get twenty bucks for the leg. "I think I want to win this race for my mom and dad more than I want to win it for Paige and I," Blake says. Okay, shouldn't that one have been "Paige and me"? ["Yes. Object of a preposition. Carry on." -- Sars] He goes on to discuss the pride, the selflessness, and the very glimmery, glowy wonderfulness that is part and parcel of the Teeth's killer blandness. He also mentions his parents "raising Paige and I" (again, right? ["indeed" -- Sars]), and says how great it would be to beat "teams that are older than us and more experienced than us." In the camper, Blake laughs maniacally and says, "This is awesome!" He is so creepy. I'm sorry to be repetitive, but it frankly bears repeating. Creee-py.
3:13 AM. Taraweasel. He manages to be pushy at her for being too slow before she even gets the clue open, so he's certainly off to a flying start. She calls the camper a "bad boy." A camper? Really? I mean, those little sports cars from last season, maybe, but an RV? Not unless it's the one from Stripes. As usual, Wil has trouble with the car. Not with driving it or repairing it or anything, just with starting it. He's got the windshield wipers on, though, because you cannot get the really important stuff past Wil. He eventually gets the engine running and gets it in gear, and they drive off. Tara accuses him of driving with the brake on, and he whines back at her. In an interview in one of his several just plain awful shirts, Wil explains that he and Tara have always had problems getting along. I make a note of that in case it slips my mind.
3:41 AM. Boston. They're sort of dressed for casual Friday today, with Alex in a dark button-down shirt and Chris in a cable-icious coffee-colored sweater. Chris, however, is also wearing an ugly hat. A gray one. Knit. With a white stripe. If that sounds to you like it wouldn't really go with a coffee-colored cable-knit sweater, you are onto something. As they read the clue and clamber into their camper, Alex voices over with some shock that people originally seemed to think he and Chris were dumb, but now everyone can see that they have "a head on their shoulders." See? I told you they didn't have necks. Chris calls the camper "posh." Heh. They head out.
In the Teeth Camper, Blake is expositing for Paige that there are two islands that make up New Zealand, and they're going from one to the other. She is fascinated. Wil and Tara, meanwhile, are rather spectacularly lost. He insists that she told him to go in this direction, and she insists that she couldn't have directed him to go anywhere, because she's busy reading the map. I'm not sure I see the logic in that one, I must admit. Having the passenger read a map doesn't do a whole lot of good unless said passenger also occasionally communicates with the driver regarding where the driver ought to go. ("You just keep driving! I'm busy reading the directions!") As they stop to regroup, Tara voices over that being stuck with the Weasel for a month is taking its toll on her. Now that I can believe. Back in the camper, she yells at him that he's yelling at her, and he yells back, "Yeah, 'cause you're stupid." Tara: "I'm not stupid, but I can't see the road and read the map at the same time." Here, she makes a meager attempt at diplomacy by voicing over that anyone would probably have driven her nuts by this point, so it might not be Wil in particular. Oh, no. I think it is. He orders her to drive. She takes the wheel, and is trying to put the thing in neutral so she can start it. "I don't know what you did to make it not go in neutral, but it won't go in neutral now," she snots. Oy. I think this is a good example of people who just bring out each other's worst qualities, and when that happens, you've just got to get away as quickly as you possibly can.
5:04 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha, last to leave. Oswald emphatically rips open the clue. (I don't know how else to describe it. I'm surprised he didn't say, "Olé!") They are particularly excited when they get in the Cha-Cha-Camper and they find out that it's a Mercedes. Danny voices over that they try to enjoy themselves no matter what. Sniff. They're such darlings. Let's get a pedicure, boys, when all this silliness is over. It's on me.
Teeth Camper, where Blake and Paige are navigating. Boston Camper, where Chris and Alex give each other The Fists Of Friendship. Weasel Camper, where Tara is still bitching about Wil screwing up the car so she can't get it started. I have a theory, incidentally, that they would be five days ahead of everyone now if Wil could drive stick without making little parts of the car scream, despair, and ultimately commit ritual mechanical suicide. Finally, they get going again, and Wil enters his Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me mode. He voices over that he's grown tired of "being a punching bag" for Tara when things aren't going so well. Oh, Wil. You are exhausting, and I am so tired already. "I like to get things done my way," he is at least willing to admit. He and Tara pull over, and as he gets on the phone to try to figure out what they're doing wrong, she starts pouting loudly. "You're a jerk. That's what you are, to talk to me like that." To be honest, I would be a lot more inclined to feel bad for her if she didn't call him an idiot at least as often as he calls her stupid. I recognize that Wil is a far more aggressively unpleasant person than she is, but she seems to be at least complicit in this crap that goes on between them. She voices over that the race is difficult in part because of their past relationship problems. (Amen, sister. I haven't seen so many old issues since I threw out five years' worth of Entertainment Weekly.) Wil says he wants to be in control of his own destiny, and that's what makes him act like a jerk. Shut UP, Wil. Tara finds Picton on the map, and they're off. "I'm gonna get us on the right track," Wil says. "First you're gonna fuckin' apologize to me," she says. "I'm not going to apologize for anything. You're acting like an idiot," he mutters in response. "You need some serious anger management," she finishes. Stop and ponder: these people once married each other. Presumably on purpose. While conscious. I'm just saying, I bet whoever officiated at the wedding had to wear a rain hat to protect him from flying spit.
Beautiful sunrise. Scenic driving. Alex says New Zealand is pretty. Horns of Perseverance: "WONK-WONK-WONK WONK-WONK-WONK WONK-WONK-WONK WONK!" As they drive along, Chris says that they "got some figures on New Zealand," and he points out that for every person, there are ten sheep. "So they got that goin' for 'em, which is nice," he says, stealing liberally from Bill Murray. (Digression: Did you know that when Jesse Ventura met the Dalai Lama, The Body asked whether he'd seen Caddyshack? Tragically, that is not a joke.)
In a scene I just can't decide whether to laugh or cry about, Wil is driving the Weasel Camper while Tara snoozes in the cabin. "We had a little bit of a meltdown this morning," he says to the camera, "and it's, uh, partially my fault...it was edgy morning time, 3:00 AM...and I'm sorry, Tara." She is sound asleep. Oh, the humanity.
Cha-Cha-Camper. Danny is showing Oswald how to operate the camper controls. "I don't want to learn reverse, I just want to learn forward," Ozzie complains. He explains once they're on their way again that he only got his license a little while before the race started. "My first time driving a truck," he comments. "Or a house. Or whatever this may be." Heh. A relaxed Danny says from the back seat that he has total faith in Oswald, and that it's great to have a partner he can depend on. Aww. You know, Oswald is more flashy in his fabulousness, but Danny is just a doll and a half. I think in their relationship, he's kind of the dad, if that makes sense.
The Teeth arrive at Picton. "This is the make-or-break point of the trip for us," Blake says. One more in a long line of absolute, no-holds-barred, unbelievably key moments for them, Blake would tell you. He called the cab after the hang glider "the most critical moment of the race." He said the entire race came down to how they performed on the motorboat Roadblock. He declared the Sydney leg to be "the entire race." Paige's golf shot was going to "save [them] the race." Not a task goes by that isn't pretty much life or death, when you're the Teeth. They are first to check in at the ferry.
In the Boston Camper, Chris chugs from a two-liter bottle of Coke. Alex says they have to be sure they make no mistakes. In the Weasel Camper, Tara and Wil bicker some more about directions and something and talking and something and OH MY GOD SHUT UP. The Cha-Cha-Camper pulls into a gas station so that Ozzie can call and make sure there's space for them on the ferry they're trying to make (which is presumably the 11:30 AM). Oswald calls and inquires.
The Teeth have a discussion with the guy putting them on the ferry, in which he agrees to set them up to be first off the boat in Wellington. Paige gets it done, and she crawls up into the little bunk, where Blake is already napping. Up until this point, I just want to say I have no problem with their interaction -- they've got limited space, and they need the rest.
Boston pulls up to the Picton ferry terminal, and they come within about six inches of totaling a red minivan. Chris appears to just fail to notice it as they approach. That hat makes you stupid.
Controversial Teeth Footage Of The Week. "Man, that was a long drive," Paige says, in a baby-voice half-whisper. "I think I deserve a little shoulder rub," she coos. I'm serious. Coos. "A shoulder rub?" Blake asks her. "How about after a nap?" Okay, look. I am certainly not suggesting that there is actually anything weird going on between them -- seriously, I would not go there without anything to go on. But that was a strange, strange interaction. I know a lot of girls with brothers, and none of them -- not one of them -- would come anywhere near adopting that sort of flirtatious, baby-talk tone with her brother. I don't expect them to start making out or anything, but they have a really weird way of relating to each other. It may be that they're both omnivorous flirts, if you know what I mean -- there are people in the world who flirt with everything they come in contact with, including family, pets, and furniture, and that may be what's going on here.
Taraweasel arrives at the ferry terminal. Up at the ticket booth, Chris and Alex are already getting themselves lined up, and they're told that they'll be on the 11:30 ferry. Tara and Wil pull up, and Alex jumps out of the Boston Camper and jumps in the street in front of them, daring them to run him over. Wow, he sure does give me the tenth-grade-boy flashbacks. "Who's that up front?" Wil asks Alex once the horseplay comes to a merciful conclusion. "That's Blake," Alex says with pure hatred. Cut to Blake, looking out the window of the Teeth Camper.
Oswald gets off the phone with the ferry people, and they get on the road. They manage to almost crash their camper, too. The people responsible for insuring this enterprise take six aspirin and a swig of vodka.
Alex and Tara are giggling as they inquire about how to be the first ones off the ferry. The guy basically tells them that they can't, but it's very, very hard to make out what he says. Cut to Wil, glaring at his wife and her boyfriend, as he voices over that her head isn't really in the game. We see Alex pick her up and swing her around, blah blah blah, horsing around with your beloved, blah blah blah, yuck. "She still jumps on these guys," Wil complains. I'll say. Though not as much as I would jump on them if I were stuck with you all day, Weasel. What makes no sense about Wil's complaint here is that Alex and Tara's Smoochified Adventure goes back as far as South Africa, but she's managed to race pretty well anyway, which suggests to me that this is emphatically not about that. Whatever else I think is annoying about Tara, she doesn't seem to have lost her will to compete as a result of being infatuated with The Neckless Wonder. Wil's pissed at her for having a boyfriend, not for losing her competitive edge.
There's a fair amount of screwing around between Taraweasel and Boston as the gate opens to drive onto the ferry. The Teeth go first, and Wil points out to Boston that it could potentially give the Teeth a big advantage. Blake happily says that Wil is "freakin' out because he doesn't have the orange thing," which refers to a tag the ferry guy gave to the Teeth that gives them a priority spot on the boat. "Well, he can freak out," Paige says with an incongruous grin. Taraweasel and Boston talk to the guy working the dock about the fact that apparently, what the Teeth have scored for themselves is a frequent traveler tag. They're not frequent travelers, of course, but they've scored the tag one way or another. "What do they get, just extra food or something like that?" Alex asks, and Wil points out that they'll actually get on and off the boat first. In their camper, Blake tells Paige what a great job she did with the orange tag. Also, he calls her "Paiger." Again. Ugh. The Teeth give the dock guy the big thumbs-up as they drive onto the ferry. "We just showed 'em that being nice to people works better than their yelling at people," Blake crows. Sigh. The other teams weren't really yelling at people, particularly, and if anybody was "nice," it was Paige, and not him. Of course, Blake's delusions of grandeur and his limitless capacity for self-congratulation are far too advanced for me to argue with at this point.
Taraweasel and Boston are not giving up yet. "Go try and weasel up," the Weasel suggests to Tara as she jockeys for boat position. "We're with them," Wil says to the attendant, presumably indicating the Teeth. "They actually have my pass, so we need to be all together." Sigh. It's all about the prevaricating this week. Lying, lying, lying. "He's such a jackass," Blake says, laughing the fakest laugh I have ever heard in my entire life. Blake could not be less amused. Boston basically worms its way up to the front as well, and Blake declares that "Alex is so full of it." I think the long and the short of it here is that it really isn't too difficult to get wherever you want to on the ferry if you're willing to jockey for it, and the Teeth thought that their one maneuver of getting The Magic Orange Tag was going to screw everybody else quite thoroughly. Turns out that the attendants on the boat don't give much of a crap, so you have to continue to protect your turf. (For those of you who have complained this week that it was appalling for Boston to lie after criticizing Blake and Paige over the luggage thing, I'd point out that Chris and Alex don't lie about being with Blake and Paige, as far as we see. Tara and Wil do. Chris and Alex just seem to squeeze by everybody and grab a spot. ["And also, it's not The Amazing Truth-Telling…Uh, Thing. It's a race. I think a certain amount of bullshitting is par for the course." -- Sars])
"We're [going to be] the first off!" Wil says happily. "We did it again." Shut up some more, Wil. Anyway, the Teeth appear to end up just behind Taraweasel and Boston on the ferry, so basically everybody maneuvered, and everybody wound up tied, so whatever. Paige comments that Cha-Cha-Cha isn't there yet.
Oswald and Danny pull up to the terminal. In this little montage, they go up and talk to the ferry guy, and it appears that they come very close to making the 11:30 AM, but they don't, quite. They're stuck waiting for the 1:30. Eek! They're not happy at all.
Commercials. You should take Pepcid for your heartburn. A white lady in a white outfit on a white couch in front of a white wall would never lie to you. With all that white, she's practically a doctor.
Drunken cameramen careen around the ferry. Blake and Paige take a nap as the weird buzzing music plays. The Amazing Yellow Line on The Amazing World Map makes its way from Picton to Wellington. Back on the boat, Wil and Alex are chatting through the open windows of their campers, which are parked within a few inches of each other. Wil tells Alex about the early morning smackdown that he and Tara had earlier. Alex voices over, "If that was, like, my girlfriend, I would have to knock him out, because he does things and says things that aren't even just mean…I mean, just utterly disrespectful to Tara." Okay, point the first: "IF"? Point the second: He's right about Wil. Point the third: When you're involved with a guy's wife in front of his face, the amount of latitude you have to lecture him on respect is powerfully diminished. Sad, but true.
Tara now endeavors to explain her relationship with Alex a little. She says that because Wil is "high-strung" and self-absorbed, it's nice for her to have some friends she can spend time with who are a little more pleasant. I'm actually perfectly fine with that part -- and I don't blame her. She goes on to explain that Wil sees her friendship with Alex and Chris as "talking to the enemy," and she emphasizes that she's never seen the other racers as her enemies. Of course, as stated above, when Wil says "enemy," he means "person you like better than me." Tara also points out that one of the things she enjoys about her friendship with Alex is that they don't talk about the game, and that's a nice break for her. See, under normal circumstances, you would talk to your partner about lots of things other than the game during your down time, but since Wil and Tara don't like each other and the race is the only reason they're spending any time together at all, it makes a certain amount of sense that she would have to look to other teams, much more than other contestants do, for a little sanity and good conversation.
Everybody snoozes on the ferry. There's a particularly amusing shot of a mouth-breathing Paige. Chris looks pensively out over the water, in a shot that would be lovely except for the hat.
Back at Picton, Cha-Cha-Cha is preparing to board the ferry. Danny wants to get on first. "Don't sweat the small stuff," Oswald tells him. Sheesh. You know, there's relaxed, and then there's, you know, failure to race. I'm not sure you really want to push the boundary between those two, my dears.
On the ferry, everybody has boarded their campers in preparation for departure. Tara has some bad news for the Weasel. "Our battery's dead," she says. "What? How can our battery be dead?" he says anxiously. She starts the engine. "Don't scare me like that," he says. Heh. I don't think she did that on purpose, but I wish she had. The Teeth check a map. Alex and Wil reach out of their respective windows and slap fists. "Final three," Wil says. "Final three, baby," Alex says. Yeah, Alex, you're doing a great job of conveying your moral outrage at the way he treats his wife. Don't you think it probably makes Wil act even worse that you continue to be his buddy even though he acts like a dick? I seriously do not get this behavior at all. Wil winks at Alex. EW!
Everybody drives off the ferry. Phil voices over that they're headed for a village inhabited by "native Maori warriors." The Weasel starts bitching at Tara, and she points out that it's a six-hour drive from where they are, so he might want to pace himself.
Cha-Cha-Cha's ferry takes off from Picton. "Patience is a virtue," Oswald deadpans. They look out at the wake.
Driving, driving, and more driving. A sea lion rests on a rock. (It looks like a sea lion. I'm not Jack Hanna, though, so I could be wrong.) In the Teeth Camper, Paige hands Blake what looks to be a grilled cheese sandwich. I'm surprised they don't actually turn to the camera, smile, and show little twin sparkles on their teeth over a little "ding" noise on the soundtrack.
Danny and Oswald get to Wellington. They make it off the ferry and onto the highway.
In the Weasel Camper, Wil says that every team has a good chance of winning, but he and Tara have the best chance of all. "Because I got Tara," he says, apparently making the world's most desperate and unlikely attempt at sucking up, "I got sunshine." She shakes her head.
Cut to pounding rain. HA! Funny, funny, funny people edit this show. (I didn't spot this edit on first viewing, actually -- somebody on the forums did, though.) In the Boston Camper, Chris is driving. "We're in Maori territory, I'll tell you that," he says. I don't know what that means, but I'm sure Chris does. He's in his "I Pecked Every Chick at the Rambler's Roost" shirt, so you know he's not kidding around anymore. They pull up alongside Taraweasel at the Arts and Crafts Institute, which is unfortunately closed. "Everyone's bunched up again," Chris voices over, "and because of the hours of operation, we just totally got screwed." You know, I don't get actual shout-outs on this show, but I want to point out that "bunching" is indeed a TWoP-ism, and every time one of the contestants uses it (none of them did last year, but this year several have, which is part of what allows me to delude myself that it's all part of my ever-widening influence), I go, "Hey!" So…hey!
The Teeth pull up when it's dark. Bleed a little time, there, Teeth? Yeah, I think you did. Maybe it was one too many grilled cheese sandwiches. They see that the place is closed. He hits something with the camper. Hee. "I knew that was comin'," she says disapprovingly. They go to a place with an internet terminal and look at "points of interest" so that tomorrow, they'll be able to do everything without hesitating. It's an okay theory, I guess, except that you could potentially waste a hell of a lot of time, since they could easily send you straight from here to, say, Alaska. Blake has many schemes, all of them questionable.
Taraweasel and Boston settle in for the night at an RV park. Tara and Wil are bickering. Chris thinks an RV park means "Redneckville." Oh, shut up, Chris. He also calls it a "rustic setting." I'm sorry, but any camper on which you can prepare a grilled cheese sandwich is not a "rustic setting." Tara goes to take a shower. Wil weirdly tries to put his arm around her and calls her "honey," which I think he's just doing to annoy her. It works, and she throws his arm off her shoulder (even more vigorously than she does in the credits). Alex brushes his teeth. In the driver's seat. Interesting choice of venue. They don't show him spitting out the window, although he probably did.
Danny and Oswald pull up to the museum and see that it's closed. They park their RV across the street for the night.
Sunrise. Happy Lifetime-Network Piano Music Of Renewed Hope. Here is your two-second shot of shirtless Boston, taken through the window of their camper, which makes it look a bit voyeuristic. Is that a plus or a minus? Only you can decide -- a girl's (or boy's) kinks are personal to her/him. Alex voices over that somebody's going home today. "It's not going to be Chris and I," he says. (Wait a minute, let me check my notes…there was something about the infinitive…eh, I give up. ["'Chris and me' would have been correct." -- Sars]) Cha-Cha-Cha shows up at the museum, and then we see the Teeth arrive. The two teams talk about parking their RVs overnight, blah blah blah. Both Boston and Taraweasel are having little self-pep-talks as they pull up. Alex and Wil go up and talk to the guy at the gate, who confirms that they all can go in at 7:00. At the appointed hour, a guy blows a horn, and the teams are allowed through the gate. They follow Horn Guy on a run through the museum grounds to a little clearing, where they observe a sort of dance/ceremony/show. Chris just thinks the dancers are cool because they have tattoos. No, really. In order to receive your clue, it turns out you have to rub noses with one of the dancers, which they do. I'd venture to say that's Chris's first time rubbing noses with a great big guy like that. Probably not the case for Oswald or Paige, the other two that we see doing it. Anyway, the clue sends them to The Lost World, which is part of a network of caves, as Phil explains. Everybody's off.
There's some confusion and some turning around as everybody tries to get going in the right direction on the highway. The Teeth congratulate themselves, of course, and Blake says self-righteously, "Those guys will do anything they can to get ahead of us." As opposed to Blake, who never pulls anything to get ahead of anyone. Doesn't that lack of self-awareness make his head hurt?
But wait…not everybody has taken to the highway. Wil and Tara are looking at the Fast Forward. You'll recall that they're the only ones who are eligible to take it, which makes the FF even more appealing because they can do it without any risk that they'll be beaten to it by somebody else. In other words, all other things being equal, if you assume you're going to use your FF at some point and it doesn't matter that much when you use it, there's a good argument for using it after everybody else uses theirs. Phil's Fast Forward Tutorial ensues. He explains that the FF this week sends them to Mount Tarawera, where they'll do a long hike, followed by a downhill scree run. What's a scree run? Well, it's a run down into a dormant volcano. You'll need a near-vertical hill of loose volcanic rock, your running shoes, and your girliest scream. I like the idea of Wil and Tara doing this FF, and am disappointed only by the word "dormant." They decide it is indeed most advantageous to go for it, so they ask for directions to the mountain.
Driving. "No mistakes," Blake says. "We knew exactly the way to go, we didn't even hesitate," Paige says insufferably. God, shut UP. Could they be any more fond of themselves? If they had lockers, they'd have their own pictures up in them. In the Boston Camper, Alex updates us that Blake and Paige are in front of them, and Danny and Oswald are behind them. Cha-Cha-Cha decides that this little caravan is going the wrong direction, and they turn around and go the other way. Chris and Alex see this, and Chris pronounces it "messed up." Oswald says he thinks that Chris and Alex are going the wrong way, which Danny finds a very funny example of shifting fortunes. Apparently, Boston turns around eventually as well, now winding up behind Danny and Oswald. I think what happened here, in case you're confused, is that the whole little group reached a turn, and Blake and Paige took the right one, and initially Boston and Cha-Cha-Cha both took the wrong one, and then all this turning around happened. That's what makes the most sense, I believe.
Wil and Tara are on their way to Mount Tarawera. When they get there, she tells him to drive the 4x4 that's waiting for them. No, really. She tells him to drive it. I'm sure the poor vehicle has heard from SUVs all over the world, and therefore is cringing at the very thought of being driven by Wil. "Nooooo!" it is crying in its sad little voice. "Wil's driving, never a good sign," Tara says when they're on their way, which would be understandable if she hadn't told him to drive, I suppose. They arrive at the top of the mountain and tackle the lengthy hike. When they spot the scree run, she gives a hearty "Oh, my God!" and frankly, I don't blame her.
Commercials. Get your meat from a plastic bag. It's really a lot tastier that way.
More of Taraweasel's FF adventures. They run. It's pretty much like this: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Get the picture? Oh, I'm so glad. Tara thinks it was "like escaping prison." Um, huh? Anyway, they reach the bottom and get the clue that sends them to the Warbirds hangar at an airfield in South Auckland. They have to start, of course, by climbing out of the giant hole they just ran down into.
The Teeth want to keep their lead, get past elimination, whatever. They find the caves. "Ohhhhh, we're going in caaaves," Paige says. I think I liked her better when she never talked. They start suiting up in blue jumpsuits. I think the contestants have to wear more uniforms this year than last year, don't they? It's like the fashion show at the end of Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.
Cha-Cha-Cha, with Boston right on their tails, approaches the caves. "Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go," Alex says inventively.
Blake, complete with flashlight helmet, is receiving instructions. As he and Paige head for the cave, the other two teams are arriving, so their famous lead wound up being practically nothing. Cha-Cha-Cha and Boston get their blue suits and white boots on, and they basically look pretty ready for either cave exploration or a Devo video. Alex comments that he and Chris need to pick up some time, just as Chris takes a minute to figure out that when one puts on a helmet with a light on it, the light goes in the front. Good, Chris. [Eye roll.]
Elsewhere, Tara and the Weasel ascend out of the dormant volcano. He is, as he has been all day, wearing the Horrible Hat. It couldn't have fallen off during the scree run and blown away in the breeze? Of course not. It's the best supporting character this show has right now, I guess. In their 4x4, Tara talks about how they're going to find their way, and Wil says, "Oh, we'll find it. You don't take out Tara -- [critical comedy pause] -- at Mount Tarawera." Okay, that was funny. Actually, the way he said it, it was quite funny. Especially because she's wearing this hideously sour expression. Just for this fifteen seconds, I had a really good time with them. She voices over that this race represents the nicest Wil has ever been to her, and the meanest she's ever been to Wil. Nice appeal to the crowd, hon, and I think we all know he's even nastier than you are, but I'm not buying it. I also have to point out that I chose to use exactly none of the copious available Tara/Tarawera jokes in this recap. Don't say I never did anything nice for you.
And now the greatest Wil And Tara Hate Each Other sequence ever. He takes off the Horrible Hat. He holds it out to her. "I got my hat right here. Fill it up with one million." She looks horrified. "I want to fill this hat with dough! What do you want to fill?" he continues. "I want to fill your mouth with a sock so you'll shut the hell up," she says. Hee! Man, these two are getting to be like a very entertaining train wreck. They disgust me, but I cannot look away. In an interview, Wil has this to say: "You know, deep down inside, Tara and I both know that we're…probably not the best for each other." If you listen very carefully, you can hear a few million voices inside a few million American homes, and they're all saying the same thing: "GEE, YA THINK?"
The Teeth make their way along a rope through what looks like a very green, woodsy park area. They reach the Detour, which this week is called Drop or Climb. A classic Reckless/Chicken decision, it requires you to reach the bottom of a great big cave in one of two ways. Drop involves a 350-foot free rappel (meaning, I think, that you're not rappelling against a wall, you're just sliding down a rope), and Climb involves going down a long ladder and taking a big long walk. This is not my favorite Detour, because it's not much of a choice -- the Drop isn't really that bad. I think that the problem with these Reckless/Chicken choices is that because of the requirements of television and insurance and such, they can't present the contestants with anything that's actually dangerous ("Teams have to choose between Easy Stroll, and William Tell…"). So they're these sort of semi-scary things where you know it's not really dangerous or you wouldn't be doing it. In fact, one of the more dangerous things I've seen so far wasn't a Detour at all -- it was that scree run, where I'd think you could easily rack yourself and go ass-over-teakettle for a couple hundred feet. But enough of Alli's Philosophy Of Danger -- Blake and Paige choose Drop. "We're going all the way down, Paiger," Blake says. Paige: "Wooow." Me: "Feh." Paige, grinning maniacally: "Wow, we are hangin' over a big rock!" Me: "Shut. Up." Blake voices over that it was "enchanting." We also hear a little more of Blake moaning "oh, yeah...oh, yeah" than I really want to. They get to the bottom and scramble for the clue. I rub my temples.
Back at the top, Danny and Oswald pull the Detour. "We're dropping," Oswald says simply. He mentions his fear of heights again, and describes vertigo in pretty much the same way Alfred Hitchcock's camera work presented it. Back at the bottom of the cave, the Teeth catch up with the clue, which tells them to drive to a place called 4Track Adventures, which is near Auckland.
As Cha-Cha-Cha starts its descent, Boston is right on their tails, and obviously chooses to Drop. Chris interviews that they knew they were in last place, so they needed to pick up some time. At the bottom, Cha-Cha-Cha unhooks and starts heading for the clue just as Boston starts dropping. The quick Boston descent puts Chris and Alex on the cave floor just a little behind Danny and Oswald, and it's clear as soon as Boston is unhooked from the equipment that they're moving a lot faster than Cha-Cha-Cha. They run up the rocks toward the flag.
"Paige is an extremely tough girl," Blake says. "She has absolutely overcome every physical challenge, and has done some of them even better than the guys." They climb out of the cave on a ladder, and at the top, they emerge in a field of green.
Oswald is struggling a bit with the climb toward the clue. I think the vertigo and the heights have taken a toll on him, and he's not very steady on his feet. Put that together with a scramble across what Blake described as some pretty slippery terrain, and it adds up to a tough go for Oswald. Chris and Alex pass Cha, just at the spot where the clue is. "We just passed right by 'em while they took their sweet time and sissyfooted around the whole cave," Chris smirks. Dear Chris: You are fired, and your Boyfriend Contract is revoked. Sincerely, Alli. (Those of you who said it would never last were right.) Seriously, I'm not branding the guy a horrible person, and I don't know exactly what's going on in his head, but "sissyfooting" is a highly suspect choice of words, and it looks even uglier when you put it in combination with (1) the smirk; and (2) the utter lack of grace involved in crowing over the situation at this point. So…yeah, it's that he said "sissyfooted," but to me, it's really the context as well. Not a good moment.
Boston emerges from the cave and gets to their camper, and Chris manages one more reference to how much ass they're kicking. Shut up, Chris.
Cha-Cha-Cha climbs the ladder out of the cave. "What fear of heights? What are you talking about?" Danny says encouragingly. "What fear of..." Oswald repeats, and breaks off as he looks down. Aww. When they emerge, Danny is full of praise. "You rocked," he says. "No, I didn't," Oswald frets. He voices over that he was feeling guilty about not being as quick in the caves as he would have liked. Interestingly, he attributes at least some of it to being "emotionally drained."
You know, it's really kind of fascinating -- the keys to not getting knocked out in the first half of the race appear to be consistency and luck. Don't make a mistake, and don't get the wrong cab driver. That sort of thing. The key in the second half, though, is endurance, not only in the more obvious physical sense, but also in the emotional sense. Most of the teams that have been eliminated in the second half of both seasons have been eliminated because in one way or another, they ran out of steam. They lost their focus, they got worn out -- basically, they did something that they probably never would have done earlier. In other words, it's not just the racing aspect, it's the interruption of your routines. You fight sleep deprivation and irregular mealtimes and separation from everyone you know except your partner, and those are really the things that you have to overcome in the last half of the race or so. In fact, for those people who are surprised that Cha-Cha-Cha made it as far as they did, given their relative lack of racing intensity, I think this is part of how they did it. They were fairly good at finding ways to minimize the effects that the conditions had on them, which is why their whole "fabulousness" thing wasn't just cute, it was strategically significant. They sort of refused to admit that they felt dirty and tired and stressed out, and I think it sustained them for quite a while when they otherwise might have been knocked out. Anyway.
Tara and the Weasel drive grimly to the pit stop. They drive up to the airfield, hop out, and run inside the hangar to the mat. "Welcome to Auckland, New Zealand," says an older guy in a classic aviator hat, who has just become the season's cutest greeter. "Tara and Wil," Phil says. "Oh, no!" Tara says anxiously, wondering if Phil's weekly mindfuck is about to kick her in the teeth. Unfortunately, it's not. He tells them they're the first team to arrive. They high-five, and Wil jumps up and down. Phil also tells them that they are the winners of yet another vacation, provided by the World Wildlife Fund, the League of Women Voters, Doctors Without Borders, Camp Heartland, AMFAR, Project Vote-Smart, the Public Interest Law Project, and Habitat for Humanity. Bite me, corporate product-placement hookers.
Anyway, Tara hugs Phil. Wil says that he and Tara are going to win, and she raises her fists in triumphant agreement. There must have been quite a little conversation here, because somewhere, Tara has time to put her hair up between when she lands on the mat and when she does the fist-raise. She interviews that the race has confirmed to her that she and Wil are not exactly two peas in a pod. Wil interviews that he has, in fact, been sort of hoping that there was a teeny chance that they'd get back together, but he's finally deciding that maybe that's not such a hot idea. "It's time for me to move on," he says. The single women of America feel a wave of nausea wash over them. Tara says that she and Wil are still friends (what in the hell does that word mean to her, do you suppose?), and that they can still count on each other (for what?), and he says he cares for her (how?), and that they're going to work together (in what sense?). Here's The Wil Quote Of The Week: "I feel like the cocoon that has just…hatched into a butterfly, and now I'm able to kind of fly away and do my own thing." (Miss Alli's Mom: "Yeah, as opposed to the worm you've been up until now!" Miss Alli: "Oooh, good one." Miss Alli's Mom: "Thank you.")
Traffic jam on the way to the pit stop. Blake jumps out and asks if they can go around. (Because they should get to go, and all of the unimportant civilians should have to sit in traffic.) Chris and Alex, meanwhile, think they've taken a wrong turn. "We screwed up, man, we screwed up," Alex says. Chris pounds the map with his palm. You'd think he could at least hit the dashboard or something, because nothing sounds as weenie as slapping a piece of paper. Cha-Cha-Cha thinks they're on the right track, and Danny says that either way, they "came to enjoy the journey." And unlike most people, who say things like this because they know they're going to lose, I think they actually did come to enjoy the journey. Boston looks over their map. They try to wave down a car to help them with directions. The car doesn't stop. (They need to put some padding under Chris's shirt so he'll look like a desperate pregnant lady. And then he'll ask Alex whether he looks nine months pregnant, and Alex will say "more like fifteen," and then...I'm sorry, I'm losing my train of thought.)
Commercials. I'm not sure I understand this Mike's Hard Lemonade campaign. I now associate this particular product with unappealing, stupid, unfunny commercials that are trying to amuse me but don't. It's like it's the [THUNK] of alcoholic beverages. Shut up, Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Chris and Alex get a guy to give them some directions. Cha-Cha-Cha is navigating. Meanwhile, the Teeth find the Roadblock at 4Track Adventures. As Phil explains, the team member who takes it has to jump on an ATV and drive a little course that leads to a beach. Then you gun it down the beach to the clue, grab the clue, and take it back to your partner. Paige takes it for the Teeth. "Okay, Paiger, you're the one," Blake says. She suits up, and it's another blue jumpsuit, believe it or not. She also gets a helmet. Men swoon.
Chris and Alex get their directions and haul ass to their camper, yelling "chee-ahs" to the guy as they go. Heh.
Back to Blake, who says to the camera solemnly that "when the pressure's on, Paige is tough." She drives off in her little ATV. He tells her to go "nice and slow." Huh? She voices over that she has "no fear of speed" and "was flying through those trails," over footage of her not at all flying, but more puttering along. I mean, she's not crawling, but she's certainly not going particularly fast in the shots they show us. Boston drives up, and Alex takes it for them.
Cha-Cha-Cha approaches. Danny takes the Roadblock, putting his suit on over his pink shirt with the glittery word "Weirdo" on it. He zooms off.
Paige goes through some water. Alex is following, and he does actually look like he's going pretty fast. He almost stalls out in the water, but gets himself going again. Danny hoots as he goes through the course. Paige approaches the beach, followed by Alex. Danny gets through the water just fine, with an open-mouthed grin of pure enjoyment.
Back at the beach, a poor little bird scurries away from the approaching vehicles. Bird: "Wait, wait, wait, I'm going, I'm going!" Paige and Alex zoom down the beach. Danny, meanwhile, has gotten stuck on the last hill coming up to the beach, and he's spinning his wheels. Up at the end of the course, Oswald lounges with Chris and Blake. "See what a friend does?" he says. "I let him go for the easy ones." Man, I hope that's a joke, Oswald. Danny backs down the hill so he can take another run at it. Paige makes it to the clue, which tells her to drive back to her partner, and then get to the pit stop at the Warbirds hangar. Phil and his blue shirt explain that the last team to arrive will be eliminated. Sniff.
Danny makes it over the hill, again hanging his mouth open in a silent yell of triumph. He guns it down the beach. Alex, out ahead of him, makes it to the clue, pulls it, and heads out. Danny grabs the clue and heads out as well.
Paige gets back to Blake, congratulating herself on how wonderful she is for "going head-to-head with the guys." Whatever. When she de-bikes, Blake grabs the zipper on the front of her suit and rapidly yanks it down, just as she says, "I am so, like, vibrating." He peels the suit off her, she lies on the ground, and he finishes pulling it off. Look, I realize we're all a bit adolescent. I realize it's completely innocent. It's completely an accident that it happened that way. He's in a hurry, and that is it. Nevertheless? Hilarious. "Here, talk about vibrating while I rip your clothes off." It's one of those things where you just have to feel bad for them, because you know they have no idea how it's going to look. She talks some more about how awesome she is, and that is what's really getting tiresome about these two.
Alex arrives just as the Teeth run off, still "woo"-ing and yakking on and on and ON about how excellent they are. Shut the hell UP, Teeth. Boston gets into their camper and takes off, as Oswald waits for Danny. Danny drives up, and Oswald starts telling him, "Shut up, don't tell me that you loved it, I know I get to do all the crappy ones." In response, Danny opens his jumpsuit to show his pink shirt all splattered with mud. He cackles. They are such a hoot.
All three teams are on the road to the airfield. The Teeth get there first. "Let's get down and...boogie," Blake says. Man, worse and worse. They run to the mat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're team number two. "We're gonna smile all the way to the finish line, no matter what happens," Blake says. Oh, good. So glad to hear it.
Cha-Cha-Cha and Boston, both a little lost, looking for the airfield. Chris and Alex ask directions. Oswald and Danny ask directions. Chris and Alex are running. Cha-Cha-Cha isn't. Chris and Alex land on the mat. They're team number three. Chris picks up Phil. HEY! Hands off Phil! Boundaries, Boston.
Here comes Cha-Cha-Cha. Sniff. They walk into the hangar. "There's Phil," Oswald says affectionately. They are Phil-iminated. Oswald says he's gone outside his "comfort zone," and it's given him confidence to do other things. Danny agrees. "Look at me, I would never ruin a glitter shirt!" he says. Hee! What a darling. Oswald grins at him lovingly. Oswald discusses the importance of stopping to enjoy the people in your life and the opportunities you have to enjoy yourself. Danny: "I think that's the reason that we are such good friends, because I lost a lover to AIDS, and since then, we're very aware that you're here today, gone tomorrow, so enjoy the moment." Right on, baby. I have nothing to add.
Last Leg Warm-Up Sequence. Chris, in his "I'm the Top Cock at Rambler's Roost" shirt (tm Mister McGee), explains that everybody's pulling out all the stops, blah blah blah. Paige says that Chris and Alex tend to make mistakes because they go so fast. Oh, really, Ms. Screwed Up More Times Than Anything Texan Since Enron? Chris says they'll be "tackling, biting, and screaming." Wil intends to "pull out all [his] tricks." Blake: "Wil and Tara and Alex and Chris's chance to get us out of this race is done. I think they're in some serious trouble right now." Tara says it's a "free-for-all," Alex says "all ties have been cut," and Chris, proving once again that I should never allow guys to amuse me into liking them, states that "it's Hammer time." Yes, Hammer time. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Well, it's official. There is no one left in this race that I like. I'll root for Boston, because the other two teams annoy me even more, but honestly, I don't care a whole lot, which is kind of a bummer. It's a good thing it's a good show, because the remaining personalities are not all that compelling.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Canoodling. Ice-whacking. Ice-burning. Swimming. Water. Boats. Wil's tongue hanging out. Crashing waves. Diving for clues. Blake, congratulating himself some more. Snowdozers. Exhaustion. Airport bunching. Snowsuits. Hey, those white shoes again! SUVs. Pineapple. Hats. Running. Taraweasel losing their clue. In other news, a bunch of weirdos storm a New York bar, take it over, and act like fools for a few hours. If you're east of the Mississippi and haven't RSVP'd for the TAR2con, jiggle your wiggle to the forums and check out the details. We'd love to have you.