Previously on The Amazingly Non-Sucking Reality Show: New York, et cetera, Africa, et cetera, jackass, et cetera, Italy, et cetera, shoving, et cetera, big arms, et cetera, crying, et cetera, yelling at the locals, et cetera, Thailand, et cetera, ping-pong, et cetera, cab drivers, et cetera, New York again, et cetera, and in the end, Esquire's cuisine reigned supreme.
The sun angrily and quickly rises into the sky to herald the coming of the second season. Drunken cameramen who have been careening around on unemployment for a few months (aww, hi, guys!) float over desert-y canyon stuff, and then we see the scrumptious Phil "Cute As A New Zealandian Button" Keoghan, who, from the vast expanse of desolate brown earth on which he is perched, informs us that he is "standing in a desert valley." He tells us that southern Nevada looks like the end of the earth, but is actually "just the beginning." You know, I've heard that. You can keep your New York, your Paris, your Rome and your San Francisco -- southern Nevada is the beginning of everything that's really worthwhile. It's a cultural hotbed. (Please don't write me letters, people from southern Nevada. Just pretend I'm totally sincere. Which I am, of course.) (Note to people not from southern Nevada: No, I'm not.) To my surprise, Phil says that eleven teams will embark on a race around the world for a million dollars. Imagine that! That would be a great idea for a TV show. They should film that. I might watch it, if they didn't put it on opposite The West Wing. Ha ha -- just kidding, Les Moonves and other CBS hotshots!
Jerry Bruckheimer earns his executive producer credit as the music goes over the top and whirring helicopters bring the teams into this vast wasteland. Just as he did last year, Phil says that the teams will rely "most of all" on each other, and once again, this makes me nervous on their behalf. I'm not sure how many of these people I would want to rely on to get me safely out of the frozen food aisle, but as always, I am willing to be proved wrong. Let's just meet the teams already.
Blake and Paige are brother and sister. He comes complete with a very impractical cowboy hat that the helicopter immediately attempts to yank off his noggin, and she comes with a baby-blue bandanna tied around her head just under her Andie McPhee Teeny Tiny Ponytail Horns Of Fashion Tragedy. I think we have just seen the TAR2 Bad Headgear Champs make their debut. They're also from Texas, so…you know, yee-ha, I guess. In an interview, Paige says they are "the ultimate team." Actually, I would think that would be, like, Albert Einstein and Shaq, but I suppose it might be these two if those other two weren't available. I really, really hate Paige's hair when they show it down, because it's that permy-stringy-looking blonde stuff that girls always have right before they go off the deep end and quit the cheerleading squad in a huff. Blake starts talking and -- great honk, Blake, what did you do to your teeth? My goodness, the man's teeth are so white they can be used in heavy fog to signal passing ships. They're deeply disturbing. I have no idea whether that's a chemical or a mechanical effect, but I'm telling you, that white is not found in nature on anyone's teeth. Anyone's. At any rate, he says he has no fears except coming in second. Actually, that's not an entirely dumb-ass comment, so that's one point for Blake, The Glowtoothed Boy. Furthermore, he has lovely blue eyes.
Hope and Norm are from Tennessee, and they have those funny southern accents that sound like you made them up. They're doing the race for their kids. Yeah, okay. She goes on to say that they're "real people" and they have "real emotions" and "real problems," but it comes out as "rill pipe-le," "rill imotions," and "rill prawblems." We see a shot of them with their kids on bikes. Yeah, okay. I get it. They're the ideal American family. Whistle the Leave It To Beaver theme song, won't you?
Oswald and Danny are best friends from Miami Beach. Unfortunately, the brief intro the show provides doesn't include the best thing I've seen from these guys so far, which is in the intro video over at CBS.com, where at one point, they make a very dismissive reference to Team Guido, whom they call "Bill and Ted." Heh. Anyway, here we see Oswald complain that they'll miss flying first class, because drinking 7-UP after you've had champagne isn't easy. (Miss Alli's Mom: "I had this image of the Guidos watching the show and saying, 'That's right, honey -- and we're the champagne, and you're the 7-UP!' Meow!") He also says that they're going on the trip because they're "absolutely fabulous," and he says it just like Billy Crystal as Fernando. Oh, dear.
Tara and Wil. They're married, but they hate each other, which is understandable, as we will soon find out. They've only known each other three and a half years, and they've been married-but-separated for two, so...you do the math. Either way, their most stable relationship point seems to be as a separated couple. In an interview, Tara says she's not sure they can get along. Because they're both incredibly obnoxious. Okay, that last part was me. Wil chimes in that if they do well in the race, they might get back together. Because they're both incredibly obnoxious. Okay, that was me, too. Anyway, he's wearing an idiotic hat, so -- bye, Wil.
Deidre and Hillary, who Phil introduces as "cautious mother and her free-spirited daughter," which is almost exactly the way Momily was introduced last season. You'll remember that that dynamic didn't really play out. Anyway, Hillary was largely raised by her dad, so this is her shot at spending some time with her mom -- who's very pretty, incidentally, and doesn't look nearly old enough to be Hil's mom, in my personal opinion. We see some footage of them playing with a scarf, which is rather fake-looking. (The footage, not the scarf.) I have to say that it just isn't my experience that people bond through wacky fashion accessories as much as TV and movies would have us believe. I used to imagine, when I was about thirteen, that there were girls out there who spent a huge amount of time at the mall with their friends, trying on cute hats. I don't know why I thought this, but I did. I think it wasn't as true as I believed at the time.
Chris and Alex. You know, they look an awful lot alike. I mean, one is taller, but they have the same hair, and they're built exactly the same, kinda squatty and buff without necks. They look like they could be members of the same Bostonian paramilitary organization devoted to relocating the nation's capital to Faneuil Hall or something. Anyway, they're best friends forever. And they call each other "this kid." So that's...very boy of them.
The obligatory Minnesota connection rears its pious head in the form of Russell and Cyndi, who are "high school sweethearts from Minnesota." Where in Minnesota? Eh, doesn't matter. It's all the same. Eveleth, Minneapolis, Austin, International Falls, Moorhead...whatever, it's all freakin' fly-over territory, right? (Eye roll.) Russell has really creepy hair with that mostly-shaved-except-the-flat-top thing going, and normally I'd think this pegged him as a military guy, but in fact, he's a pastor. Actually, they're both pastors. They go on to explain that although they're not quite praying for the smiting of the other teams, they certainly hope for a little Holy Help, if you know what I mean. Somehow, I suspect that the Big Guy has better things to do, but what do I know? Anyway, they're giving me kind of a creepy vibe. Not because they like God, mind you, but just because.
Peggy and Claire are grandmas and friends. They've decided to christen themselves the "Gutsy Grannies," which is certainly the last time you're going to hear that name used around here. That? Is a terrible nickname. Too cute, too self-congratulatory, too much. I'm tempted to go with Team Efferdent just to spite them. Furthermore, they have monogrammed sweaters that say "GG#1" and "GG#2." I wish I were joking. The clothes are like low-rent homemade Guido-wear, and that is not a compliment.
Gary and Dave. Okay, I have a confession to make. Do you remember literally the first thing I ever said about Esquire? I said, "I swear, I've met these guys in bars four hundred thousand times." Here's the confession: What an enormous pile of crap that was. Yeah, get me, the self-assured cosmopolitan flirt, all, "If I had a nickel for every time a ridiculously polite model/attorney has harassed me while I'm just trying to drink my Sam Adams in peace..." Man, I never meet Esquire in bars. I meet THESE GUYS in bars. In bars, at parties, at Barnes & Noble, at Starbucks, at the video store, sitting at red lights...this kind of tiresome, self-congratulatory pipsqueak is literally everywhere, which is probably part of why I hate them so, so, so much. Furthermore, they have Knit Hats Of Unbelievable And Intolerable Sucking, which are monogrammed with a "G" and a "D." Gary tells us in a voice-over (while they look at computers in what, oddly enough, looks a lot like Esquire's apartment from the TAR1 credits) that they "barely tolerate each other." (That much I can certainly believe.) Dave says there's "respect and understanding." Gary says they're going to do "everything short of a felony" to win. Thanks, Gary, for that spontaneous moment of humor, brought to us by the notes you probably have written on your hand in permanent marker about all the witty things you intend to say. Prick. (Miss Alli's Mom: "They don't even strike me as funny -- just like a lot of pathetic nerds I've known who amuse themselves and each other and NOBODY else.")
Mary and Peach. Peach is kind of a flake, you can tell immediately, because grown women do not wear double-ponytails for the first day of anything. Once you're established, you can wear them. But on the first day? At her age? No. Mary, on the other hand, looks smart. Peach says she does whatever Mary says, and it looks like that's why Peach is still alive. Mary says Peach has been "catered to," and that's about to stop. No more baby quiches for you, Peachy, and put down those crab puffs.
Shola and Doyin. (Incidentally, Phil pronounces it "Dween," but I actually think it's more like "Da-Ween.") They're twins. They have psych degrees. I couldn't tell you which is which if you tied me to a tree and threatened to sic large dogs on me. They definitely are cute, but they are in fact freakishly identical, which some identical twins actually aren't. We see them playing basketball, which is especially eerie because you can see that they really do move exactly the same way. They think the expectations for twins will be extra-high. I shake my head so it makes that wogga-wogga cartoon noise, hoping this will clear things up, but there are still two of them when I look again.
Phil wonders aloud if the teams can handle the stress of the long journey. He wonders whether the competing teams will be friends or enemies. Just as he did last year, he mentions the need for "brains, brawn, and teamwork." And in his inimitable Phil fashion, he says that these are the questions as we "get ready to begin...[dramatic pause]...The Amazing Race."
Man, they totally faked me out here, because I thought this was going to be the credits. Anyway, the teams stand in a line facing Phil as he explains the rules. Blah blah blah. For some reason, the flags this year are red and yellow instead of white and yellow (maybe because they need to tell them apart from all the dummy flags in circulation because last year's teams STOLE them). I am deprived of Exposition Hands, because Phil does the full-on explanation of the sealed envelopes and such. "If you're last...you'll be eliminated." Phil is the master of the dramatic pause. Anyway, the idea is to grab your luggage (which has your first clue on top), jump in a Ford Explorer, and go, go, go. "The world is waiting for you, good luck," Phil says. "Travel safe," he continues, an expression that would seem to have an added twinge to it these days. "GO!"
Fastest by far in the footrace are Chris and Alex, who make it to their packs in a jif. The clue says to motivate your suddenly-slightly-famous behind to Rio de Janeiro, which makes Wil say, "Yeah, baby!" and I'm calling that Just The First Of Many Reasons To Hate Wil's Sorry Guts. You have to get on one of three flights, and in an ugly and Survivor-esque development, this is apparently The Amazing Race Of Product Placements, because American Airlines is The Official Carrier Of Being The First Team To Get Going, which they tell us about six times. They also give the teams $200 for the leg, which seems like they've gotten a raise over last time.
Everybody runs to the Ford Explorers and jumps in. I have to say that, as good as I think the first round of this show was, they made a good choice by going directly to a race element right away (the driving) as opposed to last time, when the first thing you saw most teams do was make a bunch of phone calls to airlines. SUVs streak across the desert, surrounded by a cloud of dust, in a classic "specially trained drivers on closed course, do not try this at home" shot.
Credits. Dun! Dun! Dun! Bah dah dah dun! Dun! ...Well, you know how it goes. It's the familiar thumpy theme music, with a guy chanting in the background occasionally. They've cut way, way down on the spoiler-y shots in the credit sequence this year, because pretty much all you get is prefab shots of the teams, not shots from during the race. Glory-oskey, here we go again.
More SUV races across open desert. The first thing you have to do is get to McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, so that's ultimately the point of all the driving. Hope reads more about the clue, and man, that is some impressive accent she's sporting. (Sorry, I'm sure I'll stop noticing it soon.) Tara brightly points out that the second flight leaves two hours after the first, so they should get on the first one. Yeah, thanks, genius.
In the Mary and Peach car, the Fruit points out that everybody else is driving a slightly different direction, and Mary responds that she doesn't think they should worry about everybody else, just about finding the flag. Well...yes, and no. She says in an interview that the Fruit is a kind person, which "goes a long way." I like Mary.
OneTwin tells OtherTwin to focus on the flag, because all the dust is making it mighty hard to see. In their car, Peggy and Claire agree. Claire tells us in a voice-over that she and Peggy aren't particularly tough, but they're "shrewd" and occasionally "fast." That is not a particularly riveting team description, I have to say. I fear that this year's Team Closest To Receiving Social Security is not going to win any places in my heart.
Meanwhile, Chris and Alex spot the flag. "Right there, right there!" one of them yells, except it comes out as "Right they-ah, right they-ah!" This is The Season Of Unavoidable Accents, it would seem. "See that right there? Flag. Haul ass." Okay, I like them a little bit, just because they're having a good time.
Blake and Paige see the flag, too, and I like it when he (from the back seat) tells her (she's driving) that she's "awesome." Aww. I always thought it would be neat to have an older brother (which is not to say anything negative about Miss Alli's Sister, who is totally my hero), and I think it's going to affect my attitude toward Blake. Hmm.
Driving, driving, and now we're in town. Chris and Alex pull into a gas station and ask directions to Vegas. (One of them calls the other one "Daddy-O," which is even older and lamer and more tired than "let's rock." Ugh.) Deidre and Hillary are right behind. Claire is being really irritating, telling Peggy to "get out of here" and "let's move" and all that rot. Chill out, lady, seriously. Everybody gets directions, and they're off.
Wil and Tara are having a fight that manages to look both contrived and really, really irritating at the same time. "This way?" Wil asks. "That way?" She says no to both. "What do you mean 'no'?" he says, like a total moron. In an interview, Tara says that they've been separated for two years (or, as Guido would say, they lived in Estrangement for two years), but they're still friends, they still "hang out," and they still "do stuff." Yeah, I'll bet. Because nobody else is going to "do stuff" with either of you, and there's only so much "stuff" you can live without "doing," I suppose. Although when Wil is involved? Ew.
Deidre and Hillary miss the turn. Oops. Hillary interviews that her parents got divorced when she was six, and her mom adds that the race is going to be great for their relationship. Sigh. In their interview, their clothes are perfectly coordinated. It's like Garanimals Live!
Drunken cameramen careening. Twenty miles to Vegas. When they see the twenty-mile sign, Danny and Oswald start celebrating, but when Oswald starts touching him from the back seat, Danny cautions, "I'm driving, I'm driving." Hee. Oswald tells us that people often assume that he and Danny are a couple, but they're not. But then he says that they are, "for all intents and purposes, married to each other." Um, okay. You know, if you say things like that a lot, Oswald, I can understand why people are confused. Oswald's shirt looks like Pepto.
Gary says that the best thing he and Dave can do as a team is "be underestimated." Well, you're off to a good start, fool. Dave calls the team "two funny, crazy best friends against the world." No one who has ever made that statement has been able to back it up, and I am not kidding. Furthermore, God, Gary looks like Woody Allen. I mean, it is downright unsettling. And considering that Woody Allen himself gives me the creepy-crawlies, someone with a creepy resemblance to Woody Allen gives me what I guess are the creepy-crawlies squared.
Everybody wants on the first plane. Have we mentioned that would be the American Airlines plane? Because American is The Official Airline Of Winning A Million Dollars? As teams arrive at the airport, and in a move that totally reaffirms my faith in the intelligence of airport security, Gary and Dave are stopped by a cop. When Gary says, "We got pulled over by Johnny Law over here," it occurs to me that in addition to looking like Woody Allen, he sounds like Andy Dick. Could you pile on any more reasons for me to hate him? I mean, short of him smelling like Howard Stern, there's really nowhere to go from here. Anyway, everybody gets stopped (Wil, for some reason, dances back and forth while declaring it to be "part of the game") and it seems that this provides a mild bunching effect. Phil says that there are only enough spots on the first flight for seven teams, and then the last four will take a later flight.
Lots of feet running.
First on the good flight? Wil and Tara. (D'oh!) Second, Blake and Paige. Third, Hope and Norm. Fourth, Cyndi and Russell, the inimitable Team Jeebus (claim your tm, whoever you are). Fifth, Chris and Alex. The darker-haired Bostonian tells us that he speaks Portuguese (he does?), because he played soccer (mmmm, soccer) for a team in Brazil for six months. Okay, he just jumped about twenty-eight points in my estimation right there. I love a boy who's a mass of contradictions. Anyway, sixth on the flight are Mary and Peach. Mary says that she and Peach love each other, and that the Fruit loves travel, but just doesn't know it yet. Hmm.
Gary is trying to get in a fight with OneTwin over who's in line, but he actually looks like even he knows he has no case. OneTwin is like, "Whatever, Poindexter, get your ass back in line." And with that, the twins are last on the flight. And Gary and Dave are stuck on the last plane. Woooooo! A good development already.
Have we shown you a pretty shot of the side of an American Airlines plane yet? Because here is one. American Airlines: The Official Airline Of Not Falling Behind.
Anyway, the top seven teams relax on their flight. The last four board theirs a couple of hours later. Oswald says that he and Danny were sad to be on the last flight. Gary tells Dave they "can't be last." Tragically, because the universe is never that friendly, that's probably true. Hil tells her mom that she doesn't like the fact that they've fallen behind so quickly. Peggy and Claire are sad, too. Basically, the trailing teams are all kinds of sad, logically enough.
Commercials. You cannot escape the Power of Target. Behold, the Power of Target! Accept it before it destroys you! Your coffin will bear their logo! Resistance is futile!
The Amazing Yellow Line on The Amazing World Map approaches Rio. Phil recaps the last few minutes, in case you just now got sick of Iron Chef and switched channels. Wacky Brazilian camerawork -- wahoo! Green mountains! A towering waterfront city! Everybody's half-naked! Some of those very small bathing suits are ill-advised! On the plane, I should point out that Chris and Alex are sleeveless. (I mean, I shouldn't, but I'm probably going to anyway.) Anyway, seven teams are being cared for by American Airlines (The Official Airline Of Chocolate, Sex, And Money), while the other four are on, as Phil ominously adds, "another carrier" (which is, I guess, The Official Airline Of Sucking Wind).
Phil tells us that the teams will have to get to Cristo Redentor (the Statue of Christ the Redeemer), located at the top of Corcovado Mountain. He speculates uselessly that either the teams in the back will catch up -- or they won't! (Can we please make better use of Phil? I love Phil, and Phil is atrophying. He's like that really hot guy at a party who has no date and spends the whole night changing the CDs.) We see the first plane land, resplendent with its American Airlines logo (American Airlines: The Official Airline Of Cooing Babies, Patriotism, And Baseball). The teams run from the plane and jump into cabs. Tara shrieks (no, really shrieks) at their driver, "Fast, fast, fast!" Ick. She demands to go to "Corvocado" (bzzzzzt), and Wil patronizingly insists that it's "Corvado" (bzzzzzt). Idiots.
Cabs. Blake and Paige high-five. They high-five a lot, actually. She says Blake is "a huge motivator." She interviews that having him "pushing her forward" will be "awesome." Her hair looks like a wig in that interview. Back at the mountain, the big statue looms. In Team Drawl's cab, Norm is trying to figure out the fastest way to the top. Their cabbie doesn't so much speak English, unfortunately. At this news, Hope says, "Oh, shewwwt." Hee. It's really wrong, but Norm is kind of cute in that your-friend's-cute-dad kind of way. Not the Graham Chase kind of your-friend's-cute-dad way, the other way. The baseball-coach-dad way. Hope and Norm are passed by the Jeebus cab, inside which Cyndi comments on this development. Drawl looks sad, and Jeebus just has to comment on how sweet Hope and Norm are. Yeah, easy to say when you're dusting their asses. Russell tells us that he and Cyndi are "ordained ministers," but also "real people." Everybody needs to stop telling me how real they are, seriously. I get it. You're made of skin and blood and stuff. If I puncture you, disgusting things will come out. I get it. Enough.
In their cab, Tara and Wil despair that their driver won't exceed the speed limit. Heh. I think they're being held back by the dark force of Wil's hair, which looks like he cut it with a circular saw and styled it with a belt sander. Chris and Alex are bumping along, while the Portuguese-speaking one tells the driver to haul ass in his native tongue. Excellent. Everybody heads up, up, up the mountain toward the statue. Peach gets motion sickness. Of course she does. She's the Beth S. of this show, isn't she? Meanwhile, Cyndi notes that Mary and Peach are right behind them. "That's all right," Russell says. "I know," Cyndi chirps. "I'm glad." Eep, serious insincerity alert. She's glad? NOT. Unfortunately, I'm the first to say that's very Minnesotan behavior. We love to pretend we're only happy when we're tied with everyone. Anyway, everybody de-cabs and runs up the mountain. Mary gives the Fruit some encouragement: "You can do it, you're almost there." Eventually, she has her by the hand as they head up. Seriously, I like Mary so much.
Blake and Paige appear to experience a car-trunk-opening delay, but eventually they get moving. Folks have trouble finding the flag, and Peach is actually the one to spot it. Aw, good job, Fruit. In other news involving Alli's ongoing appreciation for arms, I should mention that Mary has some guns on her, which you can see as they open the clue, which tells them to head for Paqueta Island and kiss Fat Maria. (You know, I think I knew a guy who was in the fraternity where that was the initiation.) Phil explains that they have to grab a boat to the island, and that Fat Maria is a big tree. (No, LITERALLY -- it's a big tree.) Apparently, kissing the tree is good luck. Unless the tree has a horrible fungus or something, probably, in which case it's not as lucky, quite. Russell and Cyndi open the clue, and then they high-five the approaching Blake and Paige on the way down, with Cyndi yammering, "Great job, great job." I'd really like to see these two show a little grace when they're behind, if that's all right, and then I'll feel better-equipped to judge how classy they are. As Blake and Paige read the clue and run off, they say, "Fat Maria, here we come, baby! Wooooo!" You know, there should really be a "Woooo!" quotient. (Think of how happier we all would have been if Bill had been subject to a "Yessss!" quotient.) Like, four "wooooo!"s to a customer, and then you're done for the day. One more after that, and you're disqualified.
Wil bitches about their cab driver. Part of the race, dweeb -- didn't you watch the first season? Of course, when they read the clue about "kiss Fat Maria," Wil leans over and kisses the skinny Tara. Because God knows, that is SO funny. Seriously. No one else would have thought of that. You are so clever, Wil. Fat jokes directed at your skinny wife? I am dying here, really. (Having seen this doof, I seriously feel so bad about everything I ever said about Loud Pushy Frank.)
In their cab, Blake laments to Paige that they didn't get to look at the statue. She happily corrects him that she looked at it. Go, Paige. I hate your Hair Horns, but you're smart to be looking around.
Cameramen careen around the ferries for Paqueta Island. Jeebus heads for the northern dock, where there are no people. They notice that nobody's around, and it makes them nervous. The other teams gradually arrive at the southern dock, where there's a big giant ferry. Uh-oh, Jeebus. Wil and Tara, Blake and Paige, Mary and Peach, Chris and Alex, OneTwin and OtherTwin, and Hope and Norm all get on board. Jeebus continues to worry. There are no people at their dock, and there's no boat. Back on the ferry, high-fives among Chris or Alex and Wil, and then Chris or Alex and Blake. Well, that's nice to see. Also, a nice mid-five between Norm and Paige. Damn, these people are being pretty friendly. ["It's early yet." -- Sars] We see some amicable chatting during the boat ride as well. At Jeebus's Deserted Dock, Russell frets and frets. Cyndi tells him that the other flight is way behind, so even if they're wrong about the boat, they have time to correct it without needing to freak out. Interesting theory.
Speaking of the other flight (on "the other carrier," unshown and unspecified, because it is The Official Airline Of Communists, Off-Key Singing, And Dairy Products Past Their Expiration Dates), it lands. Danny and Oswald, Gary and Dave, Peggy and Claire, and Deidre and Hillary pile off. Into the cabs they go. Danny comments, "Dude! I'm in Brazil!" Why yes, Danny. You are. Calm down. Gary, angling for his Funny Points and missing by a mile, says (in Spanish, incidentally, and not Portuguese) that he has to get to the statue in order to convert, because he's Jewish. I'm sorry, but...what? Is it a joke now just to say you're Jewish? I understand that some people found this funny, and it's more than obvious that he meant it to be funny, but boy. I didn't get it at all. In their cab, Peggy moans to Claire that "there's no way [they] can compete with those young kids." I have to say that I'm not sure why they're there, if this is what they think. I mean, I understand being intimidated, but I don't get the whining. It's not like someone tied them up and made them come, is it? I don't like these two. And that makes me feel bad. Anyway, Claire comes back that they have to "make every effort." Sigh. Now Claire tells us that she's a breast cancer survivor (and all appropriate respect for that, obviously), and so she's more of a go-getter than she used to be. Hmm. Okay.
Hey, here comes a speedy little boat, right up to Team Jeebus's Deserted Dock! Ha! On the ferry, the other teams wonder where Jeebus went. Jeebus went on the fast boat, is where they went. Ha, again! They whiz by on a hydrofoil, right past the big, slow ferry. Excellent. This is that Bruckheimerian/Van Munsterian plot manipulation that I love so very, very much. The twists! The turns! The aaaaagony! Hee. I missed you, Bert. Of course, Cyndi has to ruin it by attributing the hydrofoil to "God's grace." Okay, I'm going to have a lot to say about this as we go, but suffice it to say that my personal God is way too busy to put a hydrofoil in the path of a particular team. This is my God Doesn't Do Free Throws, The Oscars, Or Reality Television theory. Learn it, live it, love it.
Speaking of God, we're back at The Really Big Jesus, where the four trailing teams are finding the clue. Claire complains about the number of stairs. Okay, seriously, this is beginning to be like taking someone's not-very-fun grandma on a trip with you where she has to go to the bathroom every five minutes and always thinks the car radio is too loud. I mean, not to compare teams, but seriously, I don't remember Davey and Margaretta whining nearly this much. (Miss Alli's Mom: "Do the race, or don't do the race, but shut up about it.")
Here we are at Paqueta Island. The hydrofoil lands first, so Jeebus is in first place. (Because of God.) Cyndi gets a local woman to take her to the kissing tree. Random shot of guys playing music on the street, which is all very atmospheric but kind of irrelevant. Jeebus kisses the tree. "We better be kissin' the right tree," Cyndi says. I hate it when I kiss the wrong tree, don't you? They open the clue, which tells them to get themselves to the Lido Hotel, where they have to find the ticket counter for a tour company that will put them on a boat the day.
Here's the ferry. Twins, Boston, Blake/Paige, Wil/Tara, Hope/Norm, Mary/Fruit. Everybody runs for transportation to the fat tree. They run into Jeebus, coming the other direction. "Lookit, it's the preacher!" Tara snots. Little twit. She and Wil (who is wearing seriously the ugliest shirt I have ever seen) kiss the tree, grab the clue, and mercifully get the hell out of my sight. Lots more tree-kissing, including from Blake and Paige, who, I am embarrassed to say, do what I would do, which is make a big smooching noise. Yeah, I know. I'm not proud.
Jeebus at the Lido Hotel, with Wil and Tara hot on their heels. Jeebus gets their reservations for the first boat (which holds three teams). Tara finds the reservation desk for the boat, but Wil is nowhere around. While she screams for him, Shola and Doyin show up, and then Blake and Paige. Pretty much everybody shows up before Tara can locate Wil. She smacks Chris or Alex's backpack, insisting that she was there first, but she's laughing, because she knows she has no case. Her teammate wasn't there, and either she didn't go ahead and do the reservation without him, or she couldn't. (Momily's Nancy told us on the forums that, generally, there was a rule that teams had to complete tasks together, so that seems to have been the issue, most likely -- thanks, Mom!)
In the mood for some Wil-hating? He comes up, butts in line ahead of about six teams, and insists that he and Tara are ahead of Blake and Paige. (Oh, seriously -- NOT.) He and Blake fight for a while, and then Wil ominously says, "I'm going to remember all this, because you know what? We were here." No, Wil. You weren't there. You'd have tickets if you'd been there. Wil also says "whatever" a lot, in a way that's just hopelessly passive-aggressive. Ick. OneTwin explains succinctly that "if they went there first, and then mistakenly went somewhere else, and then came back? The bottom line is, they left." Right on, Captain Xerox. Wil and Tara, meanwhile, fight about whose fault it is that they got beat. It's Wil's, of course, since he was the one who wasn't where they needed to be, but of course he blusters and prickles and whines, as people so often do when they know they're wrong.
Mary and the Fruit learn that they aren't leaving until tomorrow, and start talking about where to spend the night. Blake and Paige are thinking beach. Chris and Alex rent a little room -- oooh, mistake! I knew you weren't really Bizarro Esquire. They mention that it's no problem having such close quarters, since they know each other so well. I'm not sure I entirely want to explore that.
Now Mary and the Fruit have a stupid discussion in which Mary wants to eat, and the Fruit wants to sleep in a room instead of on the beach. That is VERY stupid, Fruit. You have to eat. You don't have to have a room. You can do both, or you can eat, but you can't not eat, silly girl. The Fruit does say that she'll sleep on the beach if Mary makes her. Oh, criminy. How old is this girl? Finally, the Fruit busts out, "I don't even like you," which I would have found funny if it had seemed good-humored, but it didn't. So I didn't.
Now off the ferry come Gary and Dave, Deidre and Hillary, Oswald and Danny, and Peggy and Claire. Trees are kissed. Oswald and Danny get to the hotel and run for the boat reservation, followed by Deidre and Hillary. Hil snots that "the only people behind us are elderly people." Nice. Deidre comments that their far-back position isn't because of ability, and Hil agrees that it's "wrong place, wrong time." Well, yes and no. There's luck, but I have to believe there's some ability at work also.
Sliding camera cut to Tara and Wil, strolling. As Wil bitches that Blake isn't an honorable player, we get a shot of shirtless Blake (mmm) flashing his insanely white teeth. Wil claims that he was "ready to whack" Blake, and somehow I'm not convinced Wil could have done that even if he'd wanted to. I think Blake would go, "Woooo-whee!" and git him with a branding iron. Anyway, Tara says, "Stop it, Wil," and at least I give her a point for that. Wil says, "Drop it." What? Is he talking to himself? Now we cut to the reservation booth, where apparently the teams have gathered to argue some more about this. "You basically cut in front of a lot of people to get a boat ahead of us, which you shouldn't have," Wil says to Blake. That's certainly not true. Aside from Wil's one-team-member-there-means-we're-both-there argument, we saw nothing to suggest that Blake and Paige cut in front of anyone. "But if that's the way you're gonna play, that's the way you're gonna play." Wil delivers this line like a third-grader. I'm afraid his attempt to cast Blake and Paige as dirty players isn't getting him anywhere, despite the fact that he's certainly trying like hell. Blake looks baffled. "We're not pissed, we're just saying..." he begins. "I'm sure you're not pissed!" Wil bitches. "You're ahead of me on the boat, when you shouldn't have been, but...whatever." Wil is unbelievably whiny. And he desperately needs to stop saying "whatever" in that I-hate-you way. But instead of shutting up, he goes on. "You don't have any language skills," he whines, "you don't have a travel as extensively as I have [sic], so there. Let's just leave you." Yes, he said "so there." (Chris and Alex, incidentally, are looking on interestedly, no doubt watching Wil expose his soft underbelly and loving every minute of it.) Blake looks a little stunned. Blake is sort of hot, in that your-college-roommate's-brother kind of way, and it's nice that he didn't really let Wil bait him too much. Later, as Blake and Paige sleep on the beach, he predicts in a voice-over that other teams will underestimate them because they're young and perky.
Commercials. Haven't you been craving a college drag movie starring Barry Watson? And a show with a talking baby? Your prayers have been answered.
Sunrise. Paige does some yoga, or some tai chi, or something else that would give me a feeling of enlightenment and a strained hamstring. Tara tells us that Wil and Blake don't like each other. Paige says Wil gets "testy." Tara says that "if people are pushing you, then you're going to have to push them back." Yeah, all right, Tara. Be an apologist, because that's what the guy really needs.
Phil tells us that the teams have to travel by boat from Paqueta Island to Rio de Janeiro. Then they take the gondola up onto Sugarloaf Mountain, where the red-and-yellow flag is located. First boat? Jeebus, Twins, and Blake and Paige. Second boat? Tara and Wil, Hope and Norm. Third boat? Chris and Alex, Mary and the Fruit, Oswald and Danny. Last boat? Gary and Dave (ha!), Deidre and Hil, and Peggy and Claire.
The first boat lands. You know, I'm weirded out by the fact that I kind of have a thing for Blake's cowboy hat. What's up with that? I have no idea. Maybe it's the way it sets off his teeth. I don't normally get into the whole sawdust-on-the-floor, mechanical-bull thing, but...I like that hat. ["You -- YOU? Like a HAT? I'll have to check the TWoP by-laws, but I think that's a fire-able offense, young lady." -- Sars] Anyway, drunken cameramen careen up to Sugarloaf Mountain. Everybody hops out of the cabs and onto a little...bus, I think. Once the second boat lands, Wil and Tara borrow their cab driver's cell phone to call somebody they met on the airplane in order to get good directions to the mountain. Speaking of the mountain, the three teams that are already there look around until they find the flag and the clue. Detour.
Your choices for the Detour are to rappel down a rather large mountain (yeesh), or to take a lengthy walk on the beach to look for the original Girl From Ipanema. (She's a bit leathery these days, so don't crack her in half or anything.) The three lead teams (Blake/Paige, Jeebus, and Twins) take off for the mountain, apparently in pretty good and cooperative spirits. It's amazing what being nowhere near Wil will do.
Speaking of the dickweed himself (and Taryble is absolutely correct when she says that Wil apparently lost that second "L" when it was smacked onto his forehead -- hee), here come Wil and Tara up the mountain.
Let's rappel! Everybody gets strapped in. OneTwin thinks it's kind of a long way down, and we get a super-tight shot from his helmet-cam as he says, "Oh, my holy God." Apparently, he's afraid of heights, which is really not the thing to be on this particular trip. But he goes anyway, as does Paige, as Blake tells her she's "the best." I kinda like Blake and Paige, although they could easily start annoying me at any time, I think. As Cyndi takes off, she fills us in that she didn't actually know what "rappel" meant until she did it. She also says, "Lord have mercy." And she means it. She is seriously like something out of Fargo as she goes, "Help me! Oh, that was good. I'm okay, I'm okay!" It's all so Midwestern, though I guess you may have to be a local to get it. She goes on to be surprised that it's such a long way down. OneTwin tells himself not to look down. Yeah, nooooo kidding.
Here comes the Tara and Wil gondola. I hate them.
Blake and Paige are butt-kicking rappelers. Interesting. The twins? Are a bit nervous. OneTwin tells us that he's happy he has a "clean pair of shorts." Uhh...thanks. That's a little bit too much information there, OneTwin. Meanwhile, Russell takes off. He immediately racks himself against the rocks -- pow. Blake and Paige and the Twins are off and done.
Now this is eerie. In an almost exact replica of last season's premiere episode, Loud Pushy Wil (sorry, that's really not fair to Loud Pushy Frank ["word -- and it needs the word 'Weaselly' in there somewhere" -- Sars]) smacks Tara in the head as she gets ready to rappel. What the hell? I mean, she's smiling, but can this guy get a new joke, other than the how-much-of-a-jerk-he-is joke?
Blake reads the post-rappel clue, which sends them to a yacht, which is the actual pit stop. Last one in will probably not last long enough for a nickname. Blake says that "every second counts." Yawn. Phil repeats the clue details, including the fact that basically they're supposed to go to a particular beach, from which they can see the yacht they need to get to, and then they get a boat to take them out to the yacht itself. The arrival mat is much fancier this time around -- the yellow bathmat of Bill falling on his fanny has been replaced by a large, snazzy, black-yellow-red mat that looks like it's slip-proof.
Wil, rappelling. This is just like watching the Olympic skating, because I'm entertaining myself by going, "Fall! Fall!" Here, Tara reveals the genuinely disgusting fact that Wil's motto is, "Where there's a Wil, there's a way." I am seriously going to put this guy across my knee and wallop him. Making up a motto that involves a pun on your own name is quite possibly the grossest thing since matching outfits.
Mary and the Fruit read the clue, as does Team Drawl, who I'm kind of getting to like also. Once again, this show seems to have cast largely relatively normal people, and that's certainly going to make all of our lives a little easier. The last thing I need is to deal with freaks. Oswald and Danny and Chris and Alex pick the rappel, as has everyone else. Meanwhile, Tara and Wil finish the rappel, and Blake and Paige grab a cab for the flag-spotting beach. Blake and Paige seem to slip a little, perhaps not quite knowing how to instruct their driver. Tara and Wil, on the other hand, jump on a bus, despite not knowing exactly what they're doing. Wil mentions that in this race, you can turn around and find another team "breathing down your throat." Please, please -- let's not explore what he means by that, or exactly who he would like to have breathing down his throat. Anyway, Tara and Wil get lucky and spot the flag quick, and they head for a boat to take them where they need to go. Whatever.
Hope-on-a-Rope (tm Cosmorific) kicks the rappel's ass, and Norm watches her admiringly. Aww. "I knew there was a reason I married that girl," he says, in a way that isn't remotely as nasty as it could be. Gary and Dave and Deidre and Hillary head for the rappel also. Peggy and Claire, on the other hand, are having none of the rappelling, so they're off to the beach.
Tara and Wil find a dock and a boat, and they're off. They pay a hundred bucks. Jeebus and the Twins find a boat together. So do Blake and Paige and Norm and Hope. But unfortunately, Tara and Wil are first to clamber up onto the yacht. Waiting at the pit stop marker are Phil and the goofiest-looking skipper ever, a guy whose red polo shirt and white captain's hat make for a VERY Gilligan's Island moment, if you ask me. Phil congratulates them on being first, and then tells them that they've won a post-race vacation to Hawaii, courtesy of -- wait for it -- American Airlines, Official Airline Of Being Elected President, Winning The Olympic Gold Medal, And Multiple Orgasms. They high-five and jump up and down. Squick.
in are Cyndi and Russell and the Twins. Everybody's happy. The Twins knock fists.
Back at the rappelling mountain, Gary finishes up, lands at the bottom, and says, "And that's how it's done, guys." Yeah, that wasn't funny, either. If he had managed to deliver that line (1) as if he was actually terrified; (2) with genuine cockiness; or (3) with any degree of genuineness, he might be getting somewhere. As it is, he's just bugging me.
Peggy and Claire's search for The Girl From Ipanema goes on. They can't speak Portuguese, so they can't seem to tell their driver where they need to go. Meanwhile, Deidre and Hil start down the mountain. Deidre talks about how Hil just put it to her -- "Do you have a problem rappelling?" -- and she said no. There's a nice feel to this team. I kinda like them. Hil is a little much, but I have a feeling she's probably an okay kid, just kind of mouthy and pushy, and I certainly have no objection to that.
More Ipanema-looking. More rappelling.
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Deidre is taking quite a while with the rappelling, it appears. Hil is anxious.
Peggy and Claire find, at long last, The Raisin From Ipanema (tm yolliebear).
Hillary cheers for her mom as she comes down.
The Raisin gives Peggy and Claire the beach/flag/yacht clue. Deidre makes it down, and she and Hillary read the clue as well.
Now this is cute. Blake and Paige and Hope and Norm, arms around each other and actually looking pretty happy, step onto the mat as a group, and Phil tells them that they're teams four and five. I could get to like this crowd right here, if they don't get annoying.
Deidre and Hillary grab a cab. Hil is hoping that most of the other teams took the long way around on the beach and didn't do the rappel, so maybe they're okay. Sniff. Meanwhile, Gary and Dave try to haggle with their boat guy, which they do by calling him "amigo." Very smart, dickweeds. Their "amigo" is having none of it, prompting Dave to stomp off, calling the guy what sounds like a "squindler." He may have said "swindler" very weirdly, but it really does sound like "squindler." Either way, he's a moron. Peggy and Claire try to rent a boat.
Boston arrives on the boat, and Phil tells them they're sixth. From the way he says it, I don't think Phil knows which of them is which, either. (It's not easy. If, in last season's Episode One, Rob hadn't introduced himself to their prospective driver at the little airport where they jumped in the SUVs, I'd have been doing the same thing with Esquire for God knows how long.) Anyway, Chris and Alex high-five.
Deidre and Hil are in the taxi, on their way. Gary and Dave line up their ride, as do Peggy and Claire. Deidre frets to Hil, as they wait for a boat, about how long it took her to rappel down, and Hil tells her not to worry -- she did great. Aww.
All of a sudden, Mary and the Fruit land in seventh place. Hey, did Mary and the Fruit do the rappel or what? How weird. They vanished for quite a while there. I assume they rappelled, but they might not have. Danny and Oswald land in eighth. They share a big smooch, but they're not a couple or anything.
Here are Gary and Dave. Losers. They're ninth, which is two spots too far up for me, but you already know that. So now it's Peggy and Claire and Deidre and Hillary, heading for the yacht. Last one in is a rotten egg. Hil rests her arm on her mom's shoulder.
Peggy and Claire climb onto the yacht. They're wearing matching shirts again...grrrr. Told that they're tenth, they yowl with delight. Well, I guess I'm happy they didn't get eliminated first, but...I'm just not feeling the love, I have to say.
Deidre and Hillary approach the yacht. They step on the mat, and are Phil-iminated. Hillary claps and pats her mom on the back. "We did a good job," she says. You know, given what they told us about her history, I'd almost expect the kid to be much more of the taker and less of the caretaker in this situation, if you know what I mean. It seems like she's really looking out for how her mom feels about the success of the enterprise, which is pretty sweet, given that I think her mom was trying to do it largely for her. It's a nice story, even though they only had one episode to tell it. Hillary keeps kissing her mom and hugging her and telling her how proud she is...interesting, interesting. Mom looks sad, which I think is probably understandable. I mean, it wasn't hard to see how good the trip was for Momily, so it is indeed a shame that these two won't get to do as much of that. Indeed, Deidre says she feels like she "let [Hillary] down," and Hillary is WAY ahead of her and just KNEW her mom was going to say that, and she throws her arms around her and says, "You didn't let me down at all, Mom." I'd have to say I really missed what a good scene this was the first time I saw it. This is certainly a much more satisfying and interesting first elimination than we had last time. Hillary talks some more about being each other's biggest fans, and I don't want to start crying during the FIRST DAMN EPISODE, please. They have a nice big hug. Cool.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
episode: Chris or Alex looks mad. Blake and Paige fight. Peggy thinks she's going to die hang-gliding. OneTwin gets his foot run over by a car. No, really. Join us, won't you?