Previously on Jerry and Bert's Excellent Adventure: Well, taking the long view, Matt and Ana fell behind while navigating Africa and were eliminated. Dark Hair and Light Hair took two hours to find a yellow flag, spoke Spanish to the French, and were eliminated. Pat and Brenda got the Fast Forward, but then picked the wrong pendulum and were eliminated. Dave and Margaretta smooched, but then got hosed in a Tunisian cab and were eliminated. Paul and Amie got a massage, mishandled a compass, threw up, got lost in the desert, and were eliminated. Lenny and Karyn kicked the Rome airport's ass, but then fought and broke up and were eliminated. Nancy and Emily hung in like champs, but eventually threw in the towel and were eliminated. Kevin and Drew did just about everything you could ask, but couldn't say "south gate" in Chinese and were eliminated. Meanwhile, Team Guido used the luck of the evil to avoid being eliminated. Team Esquire used their robot brains to avoid being eliminated. Team Danza used the sheer screaming power of Loud Pushy Frank to avoid being eliminated. Modes of transport included boats, trains, planes, taxis, beasts of burden, snowmobiles, and swinging from a rope like a fat bastard.
Just lately, Team Danza and Team Esquire pulled 24 hours ahead of Team Guido, which remained confident that an opportunity for bunching would present itself and they would pull ahead to victory. Everyone else suspected that Guido was Guidelusional, but continued to experience waves of nausea at the possibility that it might occur. Frank and Margarita bickered and climbed over fences. Rob chomped his gum. Blanket-toss. Ice wall. Snowmobiles. Pit stop. Will Guido pull off the last-minute upset? Will Brennan speak, and if he does, will you be able to count the syllables on one hand? Will Loud Pushy Frank cause an avalanche? Will Rob wear another wretched hat? Will Margarita tell LPFrank to shut the hell up already? The suspense is killing me.
Credits. Music from the upcoming fresh-produce/ultimate-fighting film, Five Cantaloupes, Knocked Flat Like Your Head.
Commercials. Haven't you always wanted your cup of coffee to sexually harass you?
Drunken cameramen careen around snowy Alaska. Phil tells us that "Alaska" is the twelfth pit stop, and I wonder whether it's really appropriate to refer to a state of that size as a pit stop, considering that other pit stops have been, you know, buildings and little villages and things of that sort. "Check in at Alaska!" Now that would have been a route marker. Anyway, shots of Esquire and Danza checking in at the end of the leg. There is no shot of Guido checking in at the end of the leg, of course, because -- hee! -- they're not there yet. Phil claims that Joe and Bill had once been "continents away" and are now only "a few tasks" behind. Phil would like us to consider this to be a sign that they're "closing the gap." Uh, nice try, Phil, but it's 24 hours either way. Guido, after all, is at the overnight cabin with the big dead polar bear on the wall, home of last week's Secret Imaginary Rendezvous Of Margarita And Rob, while the other teams are sleeping at the pit stop, so bottom line? They're still getting pummeled. In an interview in which he is sitting outside in the dark being snowed upon, Joe comments that the other two teams ahead of them could make "fatal errors," and claims that they've both made "near-fatal errors" in the past. I'm not sure what he's referring to, since I'd say Esquire and Danza are the two teams that have made the fewest mistakes in the entire race, and that includes Guido. Telling himself this seems to make Joe feel better, though, and who am I to interfere with the emotional healing of the Guidos?
Teams have no idea what's in store...zzz...yellow-and-white flags...zzz...sealed envelopes...Exposition Hands, mmmmm. I'm going to run away with the Exposition Hands so that they can spend hours and hours brushing my hair while I bask in the glory of their softness and gentle strength. Marry me, Exposition Hands. I'll keep you in Vaseline Intensive Care for the rest of your life.
Phil explains that "in the pre-dawn hours," Esquire and Danza are getting ready to go. We get into the cabin just as everyone is finishing pulling their clothes on, which means to me that as usual, TV missed the really newsworthy moment, but hey -- what do I know? Brennan eats something, but it's hard to say what. Something shiny. Power Bar? Pop-Tart? Double-A battery? Rob pulls on his black knit hat. (Grumble, whine, damn hat. Looks like he's going to hold up a jewelry store, if you ask me.) Frank lounges. Margarita watches Rob suspiciously (or perhaps hungrily, if you know what I mean, and I think you do). The boys leave the cabin, Rob wearing his marshmallow-man jacket.
4:17 AM. Esquire opens the clue. "Last time we have to do this," Brennan says observantly. The clue tells them to strap on snowshoes and follow flags to a route marker at Takosha Lodge. Phil repeats the clue, as usual, in case you were noisily eating your Grape Nuts when Brennan read it. The route marker at the lodge doesn't open until 8:00 AM. They've got four hours to make their way over, so it doesn't sound like time is a big issue. They strap their snowshoes on over the Spice Girl shoes (tm raygirl) they've been given to wear. As they get ready to go, they find that the batteries in their flashlights have gone dead in the cold. (You know, I don't know if these were flashlights they were carrying or flashlights they were given, but if they were flashlights the teams were given, it seems kinda unfair. Eh, whatever.) Brennan: "Ohhhhhh, tell me what you want, what you really really want, I'll tell you what I want..." Oh, no, sorry. What he actually says is, "The cold drained the batteries, because this is a brand-new set and it's already dead." Wow. A full sentence! Which includes two clauses! And a conjunction! The editors must have been happy with Brennan this week. Perhaps he paid them off. "A lovely start to our final leg," Rob grouses. Rob is easily depressed; have you noticed?
As Danza heads out, Margarita yells that "It's on, baby!" I briefly wonder whether she's a long-lost friend of Big Brother's Monica. Of course, the other things Margarita says actually do make sense during the remainder of the episode, so I'm not sure there's a link. She says this is why she left her daughter, and she wants to win, dammit. (She doesn't say "dammit." She just thinks it, as I often do.)
5:03 AM. Danza opens the clue. As they take off, they find Esquire still standing around, because of the dead flashlight batteries. The night-vision-cam here provides a most unsettling shot of Rob with glowing demon eyes. Scary. Rob is possessed. Anyway, LPFrank explains that Esquire was still around when he and Margarita emerged, and Esquire "approached [them]." Brennan basically explains that the Esquire flashlight is pretty well pooped, so they thought they might just follow Frank and Margarita. Margarita voices over that this means the boys were "scared" to do the walk in the dark, and Frank agrees. Uh, okay. He goes on to emphasize that Esquire is "afraid to do anything on their own." Whatever, Paranoid Misanthropic Frank. Frank: "They started following us, of course, as they normally do." Now, look, I know we haven't seen everything that's happened, but...Esquire following Danza? As they normally do? Come on, LPFrank. You're reaching. They've finished ahead of you in half of the legs, including three out of the last four. They had four hours to walk a half-mile. If they'd needed to, they could have asked for fresh batteries, but why bother? You're obviously all going to be bunched anyway, so chill your LP head out, bud. At any rate, everyone plods along in their snowshoes, although interestingly enough, it sort of looks like they don't need snowshoes, because they're walking on a trail. My understanding of snowshoes is that they're for walking in deep snow, to keep you from sinking into it. This looks like they're walking on trampled-down packed snow, so I'm...not sure I get it. The snowshoes look like they're for show. I could be wrong, though. Well, off they go anyway. "We don't do a whole lot of this in L.A.," Rob says. I assume he is referring to the snowshoe bit, and not the petty arguing, because I bet there's plenty of that in L.A.
Plodding in snowshoes.
Everybody arrives at the lodge, and it's closed (of course). As they all wait, LPFrank makes a rather sorry attempt to pay his wife a compliment. "You walked fast," he says. "I appreciate that." He keeps going. "You have long legs for a short --" "I am not short," she protests. He treads water for a little while longer, but eventually sinks, while trying to explain that saying she had long legs for a short person wasn't a blunder. You know, that was such a sorry, puppy-dog display that it would be cute if it weren't, you know, Loud Pushy Frank. I hate it when Loud Pushy Frank confuses me.
They all go into the lodge to wait around until it's time to leave. Through a fogged-up camera lens, we see Margarita putting her stuff down. Then we see Esquire, drinking what looks like juice. Though I guess it could be a soy-banana-orange-pineapple-lemongrass-wheat-germ protein-enriched smoothie in Tetrapak that they brought all the way from home and have been hoarding for an occasion just like this one. But probably it's juice. Brennan voices over that they had some crummy luck in the middle part of the race, and they weren't feeling very confident. Rob adds that they're young, have hardly traveled, and don't speak any foreign languages, so basically, they're unqualified to be on the trip at all and they apologize for kicking the race's butt up to this point. Okay, so he doesn't say that last part. He actually says that they've got wits and strength, and that's what's gotten them through. There's a really weird shot here of Rob scratching his head in a way that makes all of his individual hairs move as one, like his hair has actually become the ultimate Bad Hat. He says he's proud of the way they've played, and he's proud of himself and his bud. Margarita, meanwhile, voices over that she's pushed herself to many limits she wouldn't have thought were possible. She doesn't mention the fact that also, Frank has stopped with the shoving, but I'm sure she appreciates it, because that's probably a variety of limit-pushing she can live without. She feels like she has to win.
Meanwhile, at the bed-and-breakfast from thepreviousleg, here's Team Guido. Bwa! They emerge from beneath the antlers over the cabin door to take on the boring blanket-toss challenge. (I'm sorry -- the blanket-toss is a perfectly fine activity, but it's been one of the most boring tasks they've had to complete. It needed something. They needed to put the clue farther away, or they needed to do it over a pit of fire or something. I like the blanket-toss people, just not the blanket-toss.) Bill gets on the blanket and happily flies through the air. Unfortunately, he does not fly right off the blanket and land face-down in a snowdrift with just his feet sticking out. Joe voices over that they're in third place, and soon they'll be climbing. Yes, Discount Joe, you'll be ice-climbing. Climbing in the standings? Not so much. They spot and open the clue -- it's the ice-climbing, sure enough.
Woof woof! Cut to many dogs. At the lodge where the lead (or "relevant") teams are, there are a bunch of dogsleds lined up outside. Margarita grabs a clue, then Brennan. (No, no, Brennan grabs a clue, not Margarita grabs Brennan. But wouldn't that just complicate my favorite imaginary storyline! Fight! Fight! Fight!) Basically, the idea here is that the teams choose either a snowmobile or a dogsled. The snowmobile is faster, but they have to go just under three times as far. Snowmobile Boy, incidentally, tells me that if any of them knew how to operate a snowmobile, it would have been obviously advantageous to do that, because they go much more than three times as fast as these dogsleds, so that would have been the way to go. (That may, of course, assume that Snowmobile Boy is the one driving -- every time he and his friends go off on one of their jaunts, I give him a penny, and he gives me hundred-to-one odds that he'll return alive. That way, if he splats himself into a tree, he'll be dead, but I'll have a dollar. His lovely wife, sympathetic to my position, has already agreed to pay me in the event of his demise.) Phil voices over that there are directions available for both pieces of equipment, and I have to say that while I would have liked to see somebody try it, I'm not sure snowmobile operation is something one should learn on the fly.
At any rate, the snowmobile or dogsled takes you to a 4x4 vehicle that you drive to Fish Lake. (Note the Fish Lake sign that, as many on the forums have noted, is riddled with bullet holes. Methinks the area suffers from a lack of recreational weekend activities.)
Danza chooses the dogs, and so does Esquire. (Rob: "Let's do the dogs, dude.") Everybody packs up their sleds and takes off, with Frank in the lead. It seems to be a single-file trail, at least at first. The music goes BOMP-BOMP, DOMP-DOMP as the teams fly (well, not really...they sort of lazily glide) down the trail. The dogs bark. Rob explains that he's being slowed down by the fact that he's stuck behind Frank and Margarita, who have slow dogs or aren't driving them right, and thus Rob is riding the brake. No, really, the brake. On the dogs. Did you know dogs had brakes? Yeah, me neither. He compares the whole thing to a Chinese fire drill. Hee! I don't actually find it a particularly apt comparison, nor a very culturally sensitive expression, but Chinese fire drills as an actual activity? Are funny. Rob speculates that if he'd managed to get out ahead of Danza, they could be fifteen minutes ahead by now. Can I just emphasize how incredibly butt-ugly the white shoes everyone is wearing really are? I'm not sure whether they're generic winter shoes or whether they were especially for the snowshoes, but man, they are seriously hideous. Anyway, Margarita explains that Solidly Constructed Frank is just "a little too heavy for the dogs," so the dogs are overworked, which is why they're so slow. Margarita's dogs, on the other hand, want to pass, which Loud Pushy Frank stops them from doing by yelling. (Doesn't he accomplish everything by yelling?) "Put on the BRAAAAAKES! Put the BRAAAAAKES on!" yells Loud Pushy Frank.
BOMP-BOMP, DOMP-DOMP!
"It's a little frustrating, being stuck on this narrow trail," Brennan complains, "but what are you gonna do?" He says this while on the dogsled, which means things are actually so pokey that he has time for an interview, and that strikes me as funny. he'll be shaving or filing his nails. And now, Esquire's Big Move. "How are your dogs?" Brennan asks Rob. "They seem fine," Rob replies. "Frank's are slow," Brennan observes sharply. He manages not to say, "I have to watch Wapner, fifteen minutes to Wapner." Anyway, he goes on to inquire as to whether Rob thinks he could pass. "Yeah, I think so," Rob replies, and the boys take off. "Go, guys, go, go, go!" Brennan yells at his team. He also says "Yee-ha!" which is a little bit culturally misplaced, but I think we can overlook it. The Esquire Dogs, pretending for Brennan's benefit that they are dogs from Texas, come flying up beside Margarita's dogs and pass. "Mush, guys, mush, let's move it now!" Brennan yells. Now his dogs overtake LPFrank's dogs, while LPFrank crouches helplessly on the back of his sled, trying not to create any unnecessary wind resistance.
Along about here, we get what looks like it's going to be a horrifying tangle of dogs, as the Esquire and Danza pooches come within inches of each other. Brennan cheers as his dogs pass Frank's. Rob and Frank are both running behind their sleds now, and Rob seems to have passed as well. I have to say, Brennan was a champ with the dogs. I enjoyed hearing him yell "yah!" and "mush!" a lot. It's definitely the loudest he's been on the entire trip. A bit monosyllabic, but nice and loud.
After Esquire stops, we get a shot of their dogs, one of whom is panting while hanging his tongue out the side of his mouth, which my dog likes to do, too, despite the fact that it makes him look like an idiot. The boys toss their packs into the back of their SUV. They climb in, with Brennan driving.
Danza pokes along on their sleds.
Esquire SUV. "We've probably got, what, maybe fifteen minutes on 'em?" Rob wonders. Brennan: "I have no idea." Over a shot of Danza, Rob returns to the theme of Frank's Dogs Sucking Wind. "I don't know whether they had bad dogs, or were riding them improperly..." (Yes. He said "improperly.") "We had to pass, dude, it's a race," Rob continues. Wait a minute -- are they feeling guilty? About passing someone? During a race? Psssst -- Rob. If you don't pass them, you can't finish ahead of them. I think Rob's brain is half-frozen. "Man, this is definitely the middle of nowhere," Brennan says as they drive down a road in the frozen wasteland.
Danza, finishing the dogsled run. They de-sled and grab their bags and pile into their SUV.
Esquire, spotting the Fish Lake sign. There's a little shelter where the route marker is. They run toward it, and for whatever reason, Rob is now wearing what has to be his fifth or sixth really, really bad hat of the race. It's big and tall and knit and puffy and red, kinda like a festive holiday chef's hat. I think he's got a raccoon or something in there, curled up to keep warm in the bitter Alaskan conditions. Unsurprisingly, I detest it on sight. As the boys get to the route marker and see the small stretch of open water in among the snow and ice, Rob starts in: "I knew we'd be doing this, I knew we'd be doing this!" Brennan: "He actually did say this." Brennan doesn't add the obvious, "What do you mean we, Mr. Keeping-Your-Clothes-On?" "It's a roadblock," Brennan says instead, "and it's my turn, dude." Eeeee, this is gonna be cold. Phil explains that the roadblock includes undressing (woo-hoo! [Cough.]), jumping into the very, very chilly water, submerging your head completely, and grabbing the route info. Cut to Rob, trying not to laugh. "Well, it's Brennan's turn, and he already decided to do it, so I'll read it for him." He reads it. (I find this shot hysterical, because watching other people trying not to laugh always makes me laugh.) He does chuckle at the end. Once Brennan dispenses with the unnecessary clothes, he makes a dubious face and heads for the water. He says, "Here goes nothin'!" and jumps in. For whatever reason, he climbs right back out without getting the clue, so he has to regroup and jump back in. Goof. The second time in, he gets the clue and puts it in his teeth before climbing back out. (I believe you can hear a very small Rob chuckle as he jumps in the second time, but it's hard to say for sure.) As he runs up the snowy bank toward the shelter, Brennan yells out what all of America has already yelled before him: "Shrinkage!" Hee. Shrinkage: An American Cultural Icon.
Danza SUV. They make it to the lake and climb out. "What the hell are they doing? Are they getting dressed?" Frank wonders, eyeing Esquire. Brennan is drying his hair as Rob says, in his official announcer voice, "You have retrieved some freezing route information." Heh. He opens it. It tells them to take a plane to New York City and hail a cab to the route marker at Vincent Daniels Square in Queens. Danza approaches just as Esquire is finishing up. Margarita pushes by Brennan as he's in the closing stages of getting dressed, and she grabs the clue. As she reads the pre-clue, she makes very clear with her facial expression that she's not doing it. Frank shrugs. He'll do it. You know, I must say that they really haven't divided the roadblocks at all. Aside from the rats and the weird food, which Margarita did, Frank's basically done everything -- Eiffel Tower, sewer, torch, camel-dragging (though technically, the camel-rider "did" the roadblock), smart car, tigers, paddling, ice climb, and now this. Hardly seems like an equitable division of labor. Of course, he did do most of the yelling, also.
Esquire SUV. They agree that they were hoping to have gotten out farther ahead.
Back at the lake, Shirtless Chilly Frank heads for the water. He goes right in and emerges with the clue, but he does not look happy as he runs back up with the information. Margarita reads the clue. She's thrilled that they're headed back to New York City, and to Queens in particular, but not as thrilled as Loud Pushy Frank, who yells triumphantly. Now they walk back to their SUV, with Frank going barefoot in the snow. Ow. You know, I've briefly done the barefoot-in-the-snow thing, to fetch the paper or what have you, and I'm here to tell you that it hurts. Put on some socks or something, LPFrank.
In the SUV, he reads the clue again. "That's where my father lives," Margarita says, unable to believe her luck. "That's where your father lives!" Loud Pushy repeats. "Once we're in New York, it's all over," he bombasts. "It's all over, it's over," he repeats like a mantra. Uh, Overly Self-Assured Frank? A little less confidence might serve you better. He gives a hearty "Woooo!"
Commercials. You know, "Everybody's Waitin' For The Man With The Bag" really is the best Christmas song ever, so I have nothing to snark at Target about. In other news, apparently, you and your husband can take the same aspirin, even if you're short and he's tall, hard as that may be to believe.
Danza SUV, speeding down the road. Inside, LPFrank is plotting. He's excited to be going to New York, and he's concentrating on "how [he] can throw [Esquire] off," because he expects them to try to follow him. Whatever, Paranoid Misanthropic Frank. He cackles at his own cleverness, imagining the many ways he'll confuse the boys. There's something about Frank's plan that I don't get, which is that if he leads the boys in the wrong direction, won't he be going in the wrong direction, too? I mean, if they really are, y'know, following you, won't it be hard to lead them astray? I don't know; maybe I just don't have a mindset for war.
Esquire SUV. "We're going to their hometown," Brennan says unhappily. "They've already got a big advantage over us. We might have to use any possible advantage we can get." Extreme-extreme close-up of Rob's cheek, complete with The Non-Smiling Dimple Of Agonizing Stress. Cut immediately to Rob, in a convenience store, still in the dumb white booties (can't he take them OFF now?), walking up and trying to buy (actually, rent) somebody's cell phone for three hundred bucks. The first guy? Nothing doing. Second guy? Nope. First lady? Nope. Second lady? Ahhh, she's in her car, but she rolls the window down obligingly. (She can't see his shoes, I think, and that makes the difference. No one would do business with a man wearing all black except for cream-colored boots with a three-inch sole on them. He looks like a cross between Marcel Marceau and Peggy Fleming.) He promises to mail the phone back to her in a day or two, and the deal is done. She shows him how to work it. No, how to work the phone! Jeez.
In the Esquire SUV, Rob works on booking flights to New York. He's now grabbed the pen that you will notice takes the place of the usual gum-chewing. Once he's lined up the flights, we get The Great Esquire Crisis Of Conscience. Having reserved the seats, Rob realizes that he could use the phone to call back and reserve additional seats, and he seems to have reason to think this would result in Danza being told there was no space when they showed up. Rob looks grim as he explains this to his partner. As they chew over it, Rob says, "I don't want to do that, dude. That's..." Close-up cheek shot. This is shot really oddly, like it's a Hitchcockian moment of Heroic Struggle With One's Inner Demons. Seriously, van Munster, it's only a cell phone. "It's dirty play," Rob says finally. "It's cheap play. I don't want to do that." Brennan: "This is the last leg." Rob: "I know it is. I know you feel the same way I do, you want to win, but you want to play hard and fair, too, and not pull underhanded crap." He repeats one more time, "I don't want to do that." Brennan: "They'd do it." Rob: "I know they'd do it."
Cut to LPFrank, benefiting as we speak from the Esquire lack of underhandedness while taking a break from his own, you know, scheming against them. He takes this opportunity to comment that he'd love to get on the same flight as the boys just so that they can see that the "underhanded cute stuff that they always try to do" didn't work. Uh huh. Obviously, they don't show you everything on a show like this, but I would defy you to name much in the way of "underhanded cute stuff" Esquire has done on this entire trip. It's been the robot brain foiling you lately, LPFrank, so get over it. He goes on to say, "I never really dug those guys anyway, you know, I never really dug them at all, so...I'd really love to beat them." Well, Negative Energy Frank, we'll see.
Phil explains that while Rob and Brennan race to the airport, Team Guido is back heading for the ice climb. When they get there, Bill agrees to take it on. Cut to Bill, ice-climbing. Bill voices over that they're going "balls to the wall." God, that's going to give me nightmares. I'm going to wake up screaming, and I won't be able to get back to sleep for a week. Bill also opines that they're going to "zoom right past 'em and not even look back." Well, Guido, you'd better hurry up, because now you are seriously behind. With the ice climb over, the Guidos get back in their SUV and head for the marker where they are to pick up the snowmobile. No, not the snowmobile Danza and Esquire had the shot at this morning -- the snowmobile that dragged them, remember? The snowmobile from last time? Heeeeee hee hee! "I hate snowmobiles," Joe moans as they're strapped in. While they zoom down the trail, he says, "There's got to be some damn shack up here, and we're gonna sleep in our sleeping bags and freeze our asses off all night long." Heh. I think Joe is beginning to figure out that they're totally hosed. He goes on to say, "Who knows? Maybe Frank and Margarita and Rob and Brennan fell off their Skidoos and they froze in the snow and we're in first place." Snerk. They pull into the pit stop with the charming fur-lined greeters from the end of last week's show, and are told they're the third team to arrive. So much for the "fell off their Skidoos" theory. In case you've forgotten, the print on the screen reminds you that they are a full twenty-four hours behind. Ha! They voice over that they're still convinced they can catch up. "That can happen very easily if you're caught up at an airport," Joe says. Yep. If you're caught up for an airport for a very, very long time, anyway. Joe had better hope for a very large blizzard that somehow allows him to move while keeping Esquire and Danza at the airport, because otherwise...well, I'm not saying it yet.
Esquire, arriving at the airport. Danza, also arriving. In the Esquire SUV, while Rob is wearing the horrible new red hat, Brennan can be heard to say, "Let's get ready to boogie." Man, if I never have to hear these boys say "boogie" again, I will be a happy, happy girl. Everybody climbs out and goes inside. Danza gets to the ticket agent first. (Of course, remember that Esquire has seats already.) What follows here is a lot of cloak-and-dagger where the boys are afraid that Frank will find out their flights, so they try to keep the agent from saying the flight number, and they ask about flying under different names. Sheesh! I wonder about past espionage involving flight manifests, because something is making Esquire think that Danza is going to make a serious effort to find out what flights they're on. Danza, meanwhile, winds up on the very same flights, and Frank talks about his fear that Esquire will horn in on the flight that he is on. Somewhere along here, Rob also puts on his black (or possibly blue) do-rag. At this point, it beats looking at his hair or any of his hats, so that's fair enough, I suppose. Everybody is scheduled to go through Seattle, and to land in Newark at 6:00 AM. Brennan tries to get seats as far forward in the plane as possible. Clearly, he's Plane Arrangements Guy. Perhaps his great skill with plane arrangements is the equivalent of when Dustin Hoffman counts all the toothpicks and memorizes the phone book. Frank remains obsessed with the notion that Esquire is going to try to "follow him" into New York. He also says, "It's on like Donkey Kong." You know, I bet Frank was adorable back in 1983 when that line was in fashion. In other news, Rob's pen takes a hundred blows from his shiny white teeth. He must be out of gum.
The Anchorage-Seattle flight takes off, accompanied by The Amazing Yellow Line on The Amazing World Map.
Seattle-Tacoma Airport. In an interview, Frank and Margarita can barely restrain themselves at the joy they feel about the race ending in their own backyard. They feel sure they have the advantage, which makes a certain amount of sense. Meanwhile, the boys hit the bookstore, looking for whatever good New York stuff they can find. "Why couldn't this thing end in Hollywood?" Rob grumps. Heh. Margarita says that the Danza knowledge will give them a head start, and they'll be less likely to panic in the city. LPFrank says they'll be in a comfort zone, and we cut directly to the boys, clearly concerned as they look for just the right piece of research material in the bookstore. That's the law school thing for you. They're looking for Nutshells or Gilbert's outlines or something. "I don't want to lose in our hometown," Margarita says, with a wide grin that betrays the fact that she's really not too concerned that that's going to happen. The boys exit the bookstore. Brennan? Has donned the Hating-Hat. You know, we were so close, too. Rob says, "It's gonna wrap up in New York City, and I think we're gonna have to pull something out of our hat to win." Heh -- hat shout-out! "It's gonna be tough," Brennan allows. Danza, in their interview, pulls out the tired and frankly rather ridiculous argument that because the boys already have a nice place and live in Hollywood, Danza has "more riding on it." Eh, no. That argument is right out. This isn't a charity event, and it's not a need-based scholarship program. It's a damn race. As was very well said on the forums, this ain't Queen For a Day, Loud Pushy Frank.
Esquire asks if they can get on the plane at the beginning with the special boarding. Why they want to do that, I have no idea, but they've been right so far, so...whatever you say, boys.
Margarita talks about how much she wants to "whip their asses." She says, "I want to see that look -- 'What happened?'" Nice. I don't know, Margarita, the gloating isn't necessarily going to stand you in good stead with the gods of fate, and I think perhaps you're spending a little too much thinking about the boys losing rather than about how you're going to get there ahead of them...but hey, what do I know? Everybody boards the plane. "I feel like they haven't been as good, um, sports as we have," Margarita voices over, almost choking on the preposterousness of her own statement.
As the boys pass a wheelchair in the jetway, Brennan asks Rob casually whether it's his. They crack up. Rob: "I'm probably gonna need it in a couple days." On the plane, he goes on to say that after thirteen legs, they're pretty beat, and ready to be done. He says they want to win, but he acknowledges that they're at a disadvantage, and they're "the underdogs" going into New York. Margarita says she didn't come here to lose, and they "have to win this." The flight takes off for New York.
Commercials. Ewwwww! Girls who like sports. That is so gross. Get UltimateTV so that your wife can watch decorating shows and learn decoupage instead of watching what you're watching. After all, if she likes football, your sperm will lose motility.
Guido, getting the snowshoe instructions at the beginning of the final leg. As they strap on their snowshoes, here comes one of the silliest moments of the entire Guido history, and you know that's saying a lot. "I have likened myself to Bill Clinton's presidency," Joe begins. Wow, you can totally write your own joke here, because it's almost too easy. Just to prove it, here are five: (1) "Yeah, disastrous and marked by bad haircuts." (2) "Yeah, successful only on the domestic front." (3) "Yeah, eight years without a single moment of humility." (4) "Yeah, because the hubris of a guy named Bill will be the end of both of you." (5) "Yeah, popular with a proportion of the population that shrinks daily." Thank you, and good night! Drive safely! Anyway, what Joe has in mind is that Bill Clinton's presidency had to be saved from the scrap heap repeatedly. Joe goes on to say that just as Bill Clinton calls himself "The Comeback Kid," Team Guido will be Comeback Kids, and then they'll get to meet Bill Clinton. I do believe Joe is experiencing a lack of oxygen, although Clinton might meet him if he's willing to put on a black beret and flash his thong undies, I suppose. ["I think I speak for most fans of the show when I say that I would pay good money to see that happen." -- Sars] But he still thinks they can win. "I think we can probably pull it off," he says. Remember that Esquire and Danza are on a flight to New York right now, so unless they're diverted to Miami for some reason, Guido, we can pretty much stick a fork in you, because you? Are done.
Seattle-Newark EDG flight. Guess what Rob's doing? Chewing his pen. Brennan voices over that this flight was "surreal." He goes on to say, "There's no way we're going to be able to take Frank and Margarita in their home borough of Queens, knowing that's where we need to go." Cut to the LPFrank interview in which he says, "If I can make an observation? They're scared." He grins. "They're very scared. I can see it in their eyes." Rob looks scared only in the sense that he's reading, which means that I must look scared a lot.
The Amazing Yellow Line makes its way from Seattle to New York. On the plane, as they wait to disembark, Rob discusses the fact that they're thirty days and thirty thousand miles into this race, and here they are, right bunched up with Danza. This is voiced over the worst, most awkward camera shot of the race so far. The camera is sort of in Rob's jaw, and while that sounds like it would be a good thing, it in fact looks freaky, especially when we get a glimpse of LPFrank making a googly face over Rob's shoulder. It feels like an amateur porn video, like that one from Rob Lowe's adventures in Atlanta way back when. LPFrank is delirious with confidence.
Down the jetway into the airport, Esquire is just ahead of Danza. LPFrank tries to pass Brennan on the left. "I'm not pushing you, I'm just trying to get to the side, you're the one puttin' your arm up," LPFrank gripes to one Esquire or the other. Let's face it, whoever's arm it is, LPFrank isn't going anywhere. Esquire and Danza hit the terminal and run -- literally -- for the ground transportation. Woooo! It's a race! Danza takes the lead early, but Esquire passes them. Frank again worries about Esquire following them, but he has a plan, which is to let them go first, and then take a quicker, more clever route to Queens. You know what? I think the boys would like that just fine, actually, particularly the "letting them go first" part. The four players are basically in one clump again as they run to the taxi area. LPFrank, actually, seems to be the one getting tired and dragging his feet.
Esquire goes straight to the plain old taxi stand, whereas Danza goes for one of the Town Car gypsy cabs. Danza immediately starts lecturing their driver, while the boys just climb in and go. Brennan does mention to their driver that they're in a "super-super-super-hurry." "Let's just go," the boys say twice. Frank bickers with the cabbie about the route. "We just need to get there as fast as possible," Rob says in the cab. Danza bails on the gypsy cab and gets in a yellow cab. Rob gives the driver the address, clearly having no clue what he's talking about. Fortunately, it appears that the cabbie does. Frank, meanwhile, instructs the cabbie on how to go. Margarita says it's an emergency. Rob says they'll pay extra. Frank says that New York is different -- it's about tactical driving, not speed. Uh huh. Margarita explains that they're staying on highways and bridges to avoid going through Manhattan. (Are you remembering that they landed at 6:00 AM? Because it's actually not even light yet as this is all happening.) She tells LPFrank she doesn't think Rob and Brennan can possibly be doing as well getting their fannies to Queens as she and LPFrank are doing.
And seriously, I think we all know that if it comes down to cabbies, Esquire has no shot, right? I mean, Transportation Curse? Untipped cabbie? Seriously, they're dead meat, and I was sure as I saw this sequence. Esquire can't possibly take it in a cab.
Rob, essentially at the mercy of his cabbie, is asking questions about the route as they enter the Holland Tunnel. The music is heavy on the brass as the Danza cab makes its way through the streets. Margarita says they're ten minutes away. As they get closer, she comments that it feels strange that their daughter is ten blocks away. Awwww. Esquire tells their cabbie that they're looking for the yellow-and-white flag at 51st and Roosevelt. Danza keeps directing the driver.
Esquire reaches the intersection and hops out of the cab, while LPFrank tells Margarita, "This was nonstop, there's no way they could have beat us." Brennan grabs the clue from the box and reads it. It tells them to take the train to Flushing Meadows, and follow the yellow flags to the finish line. Ooooh, finish line!
Danza clambers out of their cab. Inside the station, Brennan asks for subway tickets. (Heh, subway tickets.) Danza gets to the clue box. They read the clue and take off, deliriously happy. The boys clear the turnstile and run for the train as Frank gives his cabbie a hundred bucks. Rob, running up the stairs to the train. Frank, yelling at Margarita to leave her pack. Boys, standing at the train platform. "C'mon, train!" Brennan yells. Rob picks it up. "C'mon, train! C'mon, train!" (Hee! Just like last week. "C'mon, wall!" I'm definitely going to start using that.) BOMP! BOMP! BOMP BOMP! Frank and Margarita, running for the station. Train, pulling up to where Esquire is standing. Frank and Margarita, running up the stairs. Train, going by in a blur.
Commercials. Jason Alexander thinks you should eat at KFC. Eh, what does he know?
Boys, boarding the train. Train doors closing. Boys, on the train. "So we've got to go to Flushing Meadows Park," Brennan reads from the clue, "then once we get there, we follow the flags to the finish line." They agree they've done the best they can, and they're either ahead or behind.
Cut to -- Frank and Margarita, back at the subway station. This was literally the first time in this entire show that I seriously entertained the thought of Esquire winning. LPFrank is getting a fifteen-dollar Metrocard. They climb up to the platform. Up there, Margarita reads the clue, and she's deliriously happy. "Shut up, shut up, we need the train!" LPFrank yells. Sheesh, Frank. "All we have to do is cross our fingers and hope the train gets here before they do," he says. A-ha. And this is where you realize that Danza is positive -- one hundred percent sure -- that they can't possibly have missed a train with the boys on it. If the boys aren't at the train station when they get there, they obviously haven't shown up yet. Margarita hopes out loud that the boys are lost in Manhattan. Uh huh.
Cut to the boys on the train to Flushing Meadows. They're getting help from the folks on the train regarding where to get off the train and which side the exit will be on.
Margarita, back at the station, says, "I know if we get that train and they're not on it, we are so golden...'cause the train won't come for another fifteen, twenty minutes, which gives us more than enough time to find our way there." She can't stop smiling.
Boys on the train. Rob, flashing The Non-Smiling Dimple Of Agonizing Stress.
Danza at the station. They anxiously look for the train.
Boys on the train. Rob voice-over: "The competitor in me wants dearly to win. I mean, just wants dearly to win and can't stomach the thought of losing to somebody else. I think if I stand on that winner's mat, I don't think it's going to be the money that's running through my head, it's going to be just this sense of unbelievable accomplishment and pride in what I did, and what I did with my teammate together." On the train, Brennan says to Rob, "Nothing you can do, you just sit here and wait." Rob: "We're either ahead or we're behind." Brennan: "I know. I know." Rob: "They're not on this train." Interestingly, I think that while Danza is ecstatic at not being on the same train as Esquire, it's making Rob nervous not to see Danza. Remember when he walked along the train in India, talking about how you sort of want to see the other teams, but you don't want to see them? He may think he and Brennan can pull out a close race at the end, so he might have almost preferred to see Danza at this point, lest he have to wonder whether he's a train behind them rather than a train ahead of them.
Loud Pushy Frank, back at the station, grinning. Worries? He has none.
"Three more stops," Brennan says. He holds out his fist. "Well, we ran a good race. We'll see what happens when we get there." They knock fists. "Whatever happens, baby, whatever happens, keep your eye on the ball," Rob says.
The train comes for Danza, and Margarita jumps up and down. She hugs Frank excitedly, as he shushes her. "I can't look," she says. Man, me neither. Margarita voices over that she has multiple motivations, including the money, her daughter, and beating Rob and Brennan. Frank comments that winning would end their debt and worry.
Esquire sees Flushing Meadows out of the window of the train. "I recognize it from watching the U.S. Open," Brennan says with a smile.
Danza train. It pulls up. They're ecstatic. Esquire prepares to hop off their train just as LPFrank and Margarita hop onto theirs. Esquire in the station, following the signs to Flushing Meadows Park. Margarita, on the train, jumping up and down. Esquire, heading for the stairs at the station. Margarita, jumping into LPFrank's arms. Frank, grinning. Esquire, running down the stairs, asking directions as they go. Margarita, jumping up and down as Frank teasingly says to her, grinning, "Sure they didn't get here first? Are you sure they didn't get here first?" She punches his stomach as she jumps up and down some more. Man, Margarita, stop jumping up and down. You're killing me. Esquire, running. Margarita, beaming, folding her arms over her head in amazement. "We did it," she says. Ow. Esquire, heading for the park.
One last BOMP BOMP BOMP!
The pretty music starts. Frank stares out the train window and says that they're going to go right by the window he used to look out of as a kid. Esquire, running across a bridge. Margarita, staring out the window. Esquire, on the bridge. "Flags!" Brennan yells. "Keep it steady, dude," he says, "it's either we've won or we've lost at this point." They run into the park. Frank, on the train, looks out the window. Esquire, running through the park. "I see the end," Brennan says.
And here, at the end of this long, straight run, are all of the deposed contestants. Matt and Ana, the Hairs, the Moms, Ensure, Cockroach, Kenny, Momily, and the Frats. And up on the big red podium? There's Phil. And everybody is yelling, and cheering, and screaming. Davey waves his arms, just like your grandpa. Pat screams, "Come ON! Come ON!" Esquire keeps running. Margarita, on the train, looks tense. "I hear some cheerin', dude," Brennan says as they run. "That's a good sign." Amie cheers, beaming, and frankly, she and Paul both look like a million bucks, if I can mention it. Smiles. Applause. Hair blowing in various grinning faces. Esquire, running. Karyn, pumping her fist.
Frank and Margarita, on the train.
Esquire, running. Matt and Ana, applauding. Esquire feet. Emily, yelling. Lenny, clapping. Rob's hand goes out, Brennan's hand drops into it, and they raise them and keep running. Drew, beaming. Kevin, clapping above his head. Margaretta, gorgeous and grinning.
Frank and Margarita, on the train.
Long shot of the boys, heading for the finish line. Light Hair, smiling. The boys run, and Brennan raises his fist. Brenda, waving them in. Phil, waving them in.
Frank and Margarita, getting off the train.
And here it is. The boys run up to the crowd of contestants, slapping everyone's outstretched hands, and bang! They're at the red podium. They hug Phil. They hug each other. Rob pumps his fist, and they high-five. Brennan spreads his hands and looks at the sky. Rob crouches low. He's about to cry, and is desperately attempting not to, which works, except for the little spit bubble. I won't tell. They grin. "Nine countries, four continents, thirty-five thousand miles," Phil says. "You guys are the official winners of The Amazing Race." Rob: "It's the most fulfilling, grueling, horrible, exciting, wonderful experience of my life, and I did it with my best friend." (Okay, I'm letting that go this time.) "It was amazing," Brennan says, working in the theme of the show. "We had no idea we were going to end up here." Drew, smiling. Kevin, smiling. "We started off the race feeling strong, but we there were a lot of low points, so we, we didn't think we were gonna make it, but we worked together, we never had any big drop-down [sic] drag-out fights, we both did our job -- I did my job, he did his job, we knew where each other's strengths were, we rode 'em, and this is where we ended up." Rob, pointing at the group. "And it's all these teams pushin' us. What kick-ass competition." He applauds. Davey waves V signs. Nancy claps her gloved hands. Emily's working the cornrows again, but that's all right.
Frank and Margarita, running up the straightaway. Don't misunderstand this -- they think they won. Actually, they're sure they won, even now. This just hurts. "I can't believe it," she says to him as they run. She voices over about how they came around the bend and heard the contestants cheering -- because indeed, everyone is cheering again. You can even see Margarita look over her shoulder to see if Esquire is back there. Umm, Margarita? Esquire's not back there. Sniff. Phil is waving them in, but they just don't see the boys, who are in plain sight on the mat to Phil. I know they don't see them because Margarita talked about it on The Early Show. They didn't see them until they were up on the mat. It's edited to look like she saw them while they were running, but she didn't. (Is it wrong of me that I'm sitting here thinking...man, Brennan's got the Hating-Hat on! How can they not see the Hating-Hat?) A beaming Frank and Margarita come up to the podium, and as they slap hands with the waiting contestants? They still think they've won. Margarita stops to throw herself into Margaretta's arms, while Frank climbs up on the mat -- and there, he sees the boys. You can see him turn and say something to Margarita. And then she's there, and she gets it, and she hugs Brennan, and she hugs Rob.
Best! Edit! EVER! We are now in The City Of Utter Irrelevance, in The Great State Of Denial. Smash cut to frozen tundra. Snow-covered mountains. Whistling wind. Barking dogs. Weeping-thumping music. Teeeeeeeam Guido! They're waiting to take off in their dogsled, and they open a piece of route information. Bill reads it out loud: "Rob and Brennan have crossed the finish line." They look stricken, and then they try smiling. It doesn't work terribly well. "Congratulations," Bill says. He's sad, of course, but he's trying. He also declares himself "happy they won," and I think that compared to Frank and Margarita, it might be true.
Bill expounds on his relationship with Joe and how it was "enhanced" by the race. "It proved that everything we knew about each other was true." Oh, really? How frightening. (I kid the Guidos. Now that I know they didn't win? They hardly bother me at all. They did make excellent antagonists.) "It enhanced everything about our relationship," he says. Mm hmm. Fine. They ride the dogsleds on an anti-victory lap. Snowmobile Boy and I had actually discussed this -- whether, if you're told that you lost and you're in the middle of Alaska, they just drive off in their production trucks and leave you there. "Bye! Thanks for being on our show!" It appears not. I wonder if they still had to jump in the ice water in their undies before Jerry Bruckheimer would take them home.
Back at the finish line, there is lots of hugging. Margarita voices over: "It became so clear that it was this trip that was the fresh start for us. And that was when, like, we started making the real steps, building something new, and sort of falling in love again." Frank: "I say Rob and Brennan may have won a million dollars, but I think we won a whole lot more." Aww.
Rob. Smiling. Happy dimples. Interview: "The things I saw...were unreal, and we won a game, and that's fine, but I'll never ever be able to forget the things that I saw, and I did it with my best friend." (Tee hee. "Did it." Sorry.) "And there can't be anything better than that." Kevin and Rob hug. Mmmmm. Brennan: "The experiences that I had, the places that I went, the people that I met, the relationships that I built both with Rob and with other contestants will continue on for the rest of my life."
A giddy-looking Margarita hugs Kevin. A happy Pat grins at Frank. Rob looks thrilled and stunned. Brennan is still wearing the Hating-Hat, because the Hating-Hat is eternal. We pull back from the World's Fair Unisphere, and all the contestants wave and yell and smile at the camera.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer. Also executive producer? Bertram van Munster. And a hell of a job everybody did, too.
You know, you can make an argument that reality TV is goofy, and you can make an argument that it's not art, but it certainly is entertainment, at least in this case. I was flat-out hooked for thirteen weeks, and the ending managed not to disappoint, which almost never happens. For one thing, a team won who didn't act like jerks, and aside from the fact that I sort of wish that they'd given the boys a little more personality given the outcome, I have no complaints. A super job by all concerned.
And as for all of you, it's been a pleasure passing thirteen weeks with you. Stay tuned, because as many of you know, MBTV pretty much obliterated the fourth wall with this show, and we are all over the inside scoopage, of which we will have plenty in the days to come. We'll be dishing the now-famous TARcon, chatting with the contestants, and giving you the skinny on everything from how it feels to be hugged by Loud Pushy Frank (hint: Oh. My. God) to which contestant repeatedly kissed the hand of your very own recapper (hint: matching outfits, little dog). Until then -- and until TAR2 -- behave yourselves, and remember this, if nothing else: Tip your cabbie. It will save you miles of heartache. Oh, and on that point? I have been authorized to tell you that Esquire gave their last cabbie -- that last fateful cabbie, the one who got them the million -- a hundred bucks.