Previously on Pai Plong! Ping-Pong! Frats Gone? So Wrong!: The beaches of Thailand were drop-dead gorgeous. Beetle larvae? Not so much. In the antepenultimate episode, Esquire and Danza were so far ahead of the Frats and the Guidos that they were in relatively good moods all day. A twelve-year-old kicked a humbled Esquire's ass at ping-pong. A rickshaw race was unreasonably exciting, considering that it could have been outpaced by a guy on crutches pushing a piano down the street. Kevin and Drew discussed the Tao of Fonzie during a stint on a motorcycle taxi, and Drew wondered whether he'd left a little something behind on the pavement in Beijing. Drew ate feet faster than Joe, but Bill and Joe lived in a taxi for two years, so they managed to weasel their way ahead in traffic. They then flexed their language skills -- which previously had been used primarily as a tool of widespread annoyance -- and said "south gate" in Chinese. The beloved Frats were eliminated, and the subsequent weeping and wailing of America drowned out the sound of Winston Churchill spinning in his grave after being grossly misquoted by a weepy Joe. (By the way, you really didn't see how creepy Joe can get unless you went over to the CBS web site and checked out the bonus clip where he explained how the ghosts of his dead relatives helped him choke down the squid. "Deeply disturbing" doesn't even begin to describe it.) Buddha, on the other hand, didn't mind being slightly misquoted, as long as you spelled his name right. Tonight, The Teams Long Ago Known As The World's Most Tenuous Alliance take off on a mad dash for the big win. No more eliminations, kids. Now you just have to be first.
Credits. Music from the upcoming football/karaoke movie, You Gotta Take Out Your Mouthguard If You Wanna Bring The Big Bad Funk.
Commercials. Santa shops online at Target, because he's had it with the chimneys and the stale cookies and the reindeer poo, and he just doesn't give a damn anymore.
Drunken cameramen careen around Beijing. Phil informs us that for thousands of years, it's been "the epicenter of China." Now it's the eleventh pit stop on The Amazing Race. Thousands of Beijing residents can be heard saying to each other, "A-ha! So we're finally getting somewhere!" Numerous pagoda shots make me dizzy, but that could also be the wine. Hey, did you know that the teams have to figure out for themselves how to get to yellow-and-white route markers? Using clues they find in sealed envelopes? You did? Oh. Yeah, me too, actually. Hello, Soft Mysterious Exposition Hands of Love. (Somebody told me this week that these are Phil's hands, and I don't believe it for a minute. These are big meaty hands, and Phil's skinny. My hunt for the man behind the Exposition Hands goes on. ["If the speculation on the forums is accurate that they use the hands of various contestants, this week's looked like Davey's. We miss you, Team Ensure." -- Sars]) Phil strolls in a bizarre black-turtleneck/khaki-jacket combination that makes him look rather like he can't decide whether to be lost in the desert or go to a coffee house and hear some cool jazz. He gives us his usual helpful update, reminding us of the best thing this show has going for it right now, which is that Guido is almost an entire day behind Esquire and Danza. Incidentally, if you ever were a disliker of the bunching, note this well. It's okay here at the end that we've basically had a team drop off the radar, but imagine if it had been this way the entire race, and by, say, Italy, one team had been three days ahead. That would have made the rest of the race about as edge-of-your-seat as string theory. So in the long run? You gotta be pro-bunching. Just not tonight. Phil also says that "everyone is primed for action." Huh? You can't really say "primed for action" unless you're prepared to deliver porn, and these people aren't. I guess they're talking about a more mundane definition of "primed for action." I guess the translation is that right about now, all the contestants are off in a corner somewhere doing calisthenics, shadow-boxing, and giving themselves motivational speeches.
Frank and Margarita wait to leave the pit stop. All of a sudden, they're fighting. (Actually, if you recall, last week's Snarling Match followed by The Controversial Smirking Apology gave some clue that this might be coming, although said apology seemed to smooth things over temporarily.) This time, it's over how best to get a cab. No, really. This fight goes by quickly, but it's kind of nasty -- for one thing, he's getting bleeped (or, more accurately, empty-spaced) out a lot for about six uses of "fuckin'" within thirty seconds, and more upsettingly, when he starts picking on her for not having read the guidebook, Margarita asks whether his problem "boils down to" the idea that she "sit[s] around and go[es] [along] for the ride." Ooh -- that's not a good thing for them to be arguing about right now. It would suggest that, for all their "learning to appreciate each other through the race" and other romantic notions, she's not yet sure that he doesn't think she's just baggage he has to drag from one pit stop to another. That's just…not a good sign. Frank calls what Margarita is doing in the argument "fuckin' retarded" and "ridiculous." He then points out that perhaps this isn't the best time to get into a fight. Uh, good point, Frank. I have to say, that scene really disappointed me. ["Although, in Frank's defense, I say the word 'fuckin'' that often in thirty seconds even when everything's chill." -- Sars]
11:14 PM. Official Danza departure time. As they step up to the greeter, they are incongruously all smiles, and I suddenly wonder whether they weren't expecting that the audience was going to see what just happened, given that it happened before they started the leg. If you hadn't just seen that fight, you'd never know they had it, because now they're all with the grins and the good feelings. Don't worry -- it won't last. The cheery greeter hands them the clue, which sends them back to Tiantan Park (which they're basically in, or at least at) to look for a kite with a clue attached to it. Hours of operation start at 6:00 AM, so nothing doing in the middle of the night. As they walk off, Frank voices over that he's thought all along that if they work together and communicate, they could win. Otherwise, they'd crash and burn. I definitely think they've been doing a lot better (and certainly been much less annoying to watch) since they've been being a little nicer to each other, so I think his theory has some promise. On the other hand, the fight they just had, as well as the one they had last week, would suggest that it may not turn out the way he's hoping. They snot back and forth as they wait for their cab. Frank, sarcastically: "Oh, look, Margarita, a taxi!" Margarita: "Instead of ridiculing me, like why don't you get your book out and figure out whether you want to stay at a different hotel…" LPFrank: "We got plenty of time!" They glare at each other.
11:25 PM. Esquire. They look a lot more relaxed than usual, and Brennan is giving me a respite from the visor, so that's a good thing. On the other hand, Rob's got on the green marshmallow-man jacket again. Feh. Rob hands over the clue, saying, "Go for it, dude." You know, however much they call each other "dumb-ass," it can't possibly be as much as they call each other "dude," because they do that a lot. Anyway, Brennan reads the clue, and comments that with the operating hours from 6:00 AM to 8:00 PM, "that's not gonna work at 11:25 at night." Good point, dude. (Sorry, did I say "point"? Didn't mean to pick the scab about Spanky and the ping-pong.) Rob wants to "find some digs" where they can spend the night. Excuse me, but is Rob a member of the Rat Pack? Maybe he has some kind of tattered Dictionary of Outdated Hepster Slang of various eras, from which he got "digs," "let's rock," "let's boogie," and perhaps some other gems not yet revealed. I wonder if they called the greeter in Italy a "skirt." Anyway, in an interview, Brennan explains that Esquire's "main goal" has been "to finish the race" -- in other words, be in the top three. Now that they've done it and they know they're crossing the finish line, they need to methodically shift their focus to winning. That's Esquire for you. Ruthlessly! Organized! Thinking! They have their taxi waiting. Of course they do. It's the pit-stop homework, you know. They probably have all the relevant pages marked with Post-It notes, and all the entries in the book about important airports are marked up with yellow highlighter. They hop in and direct the driver to take them to Tiantan Hotel. You know, I have to say that Brennan has the same habit Joe has -- he sometimes speaks English to the non-English-speaking with a slight indeterminate accent. I find that so odd.
Esquire, meanwhile, is still looking for the kites, while wondering what exactly it is they're supposed to do when they're successful. "What, are we supposed to catch the kite guy and tackle him?" Rob wonders. Heh. Now that would be action! Esquire Takes Out An Old Guy With A Blow To The Bread Basket. Film at eleven. They see some kite-flyers, but the Rob half of the brain notices that they're not where they need to be on the park map, and the Brennan half of the brain notices that there should be three kites and there are only two where they are, and then some red lights flash while computations are made, and the brain decides to move along. They look for signs, but of course, the signs are in Chinese, which isn't so helpful. Well, it's helpful -- just not to Esquire.
Can I just take a moment to note that the team that looked like pretty, empty-headed nitwits in the first couple of episodes is now taking the robot-brain jokes? Wacky. Gotta love that van Munsterian character development.
Frank explains to his cabbie that they need to find the 919 bus.
Esquire runs -- in perfect unison, I'm not kidding -- toward the kites. They get the clue and head back in the direction of their cab. Meanwhile, Danza boards the public bus. When Esquire gets to their cabbie, guess what happens? A problem! Their cabbie doesn't want to take them to the bus, he wants to take them all the way to the pass. "We have to take the bus," they insist.
Esquire getting to the bus; Danza getting off the bus at the Wall. Frank and Margarita are trying to figure out where the "lower level entrance" at the pass actually is, because where they've wound up is just sort of along a road. Esquire gets on the bus. Frank, trying to find the "lower level." Danza hops over a fence trying to get where they need to be. On the bus, Esquire surmises that Danza is either "on [their] tail" or "out ahead of [them] by no more than, what, ten or fifteen minutes." Danza, rapidly allowing its small lead to be eaten while it hunts the yellow flag, gets to an entrance and finds it locked, and hops another fence. This strikes me as a very bad idea. I can't imagine them really thinking that that's what they're supposed to do -- jump over a locked entrance gate. They haven't had to do anything like that yet. Does it really seem likely that their task would involve breaking in at the Great Wall? Esquire is off the bus. Danza continues to wander, looking for the flag. "This doesn't make sense," Frank says in frustration. That much, I agree with. Esquire asks for directions. Danza keeps looking.
And now Esquire finds the flag. "Right here," Brennan says, gesturing toward the famous flag. "Rock and roll," Rob replies. Well, at least it's not "let's rock." They open the clue. Detour. Phil explains that in this Detour, the teams either take a long, flat walk along the wall or make a short, steep climb. (Well, not "short," exactly. Shorter.) They head for the steep hill.
Danza, having lost its entire lead, jumps yet another fence. (Or maybe it's one of the same ones, in the opposite direction.) And then another, and they seem to be back by the road again.
Esquire approaches the steep walk. They decide they should stretch. Well, yes. Of course they do. And what are they going to do after they stretch? Brennan: "Let's boogie." Brennan is borrowing The Outdated Slang Hepster Dictionary. thing you know, Esquire is stretching. Then they're off. This climb looks quite nasty, actually. "I need some food," Brennan says, panting. "That's the thing." I think he needs a ski lift, is what he needs, but who am I to judge? They keep climbing.
Believe it or not, Danza hops another fence.
Esquire makes it to the top. They look very tired. Rob sits on the wall to read the clue, which tells them to go to the North Country Bed & Breakfast in Scotty Lake, Alaska. "Alaska, baby," Rob says, as he and Brennan high-five carefully to avoid crunching The Knuckle Of Pain, which is now wrapped in black tape. "We didn't think of that one," Brennan comments. Eek -- the research has been foiled! Phil repeats the clue, as usual, as The Amazing Yellow Line on The Amazing World Map makes its way to Anchorage. He does add (1) that it's 4,000 miles to Anchorage, and that (2) it's a two-hour drive from Anchorage to Scotty Lake. The boys head back down the steep climb. They take a quick peek at the clue box and see that Danza's clue is still there. "They're not here yet," Rob says. "Awesome," Brennan comes back. "Somethin' happened, dude," offers Rob. They tell their taxi driver to take them to Beijing. Oh, no. Not a taxi driver. Somewhere, New York Untipped Cabbie gets out his Esquire dolls and his box of pins. As they go to get in, Rob mentions that he'd like to beat Danza to the airport and get on a flight Danza can't make, because "that's the only way to get out ahead." You know it, Frequently-Bunched-Boy.
Finally, Danza reaches the yellow flag. They're fighting again. She wants to leave her bag, which means getting a cab now so that she can leave said bag with the cabbie. When Frank asks her to wait and Margarita asks him why, he says, "Because I said so." You know, I knew this newfound Nice Friendly Frank couldn't last. All those times I referred to "The Frank Formerly Known As Loud And Pushy"? Apparently, the correct title would have been "The Once And Future Loud Pushy Frank." Quite honestly, "because I said so" is rather a lame explanation even when you give it to a two-year-old, but you certainly don't use it on your wife.
Esquire cab. Rob's Lament. "It's just starting to kick in that I really want to win this thing," he says. Brennan comments that it's been "kickin' in for a while" from his perspective. Rob: "Standin' on that mat number one would be huge." "Yeah, it would be very huge," says Brennan. More Rob: "We've already done more than we ever expected, but…you know me, that adrenaline gets going, and I want to win, and I know you're the same way." That's a really interesting little speech, actually, particularly because of the cryptic facial expression I can only call Anxious But Dimple-Flashing. Here's my read: He's excited, but trying not to get excited; he's optimistic, but trying not to be optimistic; and he really just figured out two things at the same time -- how excellent it would be to actually win, and how bummed he's going to be if they lose. Something else, too, with regard to both teams -- the sudden (and I'm not saying permanent) disappearance of the Guidos from the radar screen has, I think, left a sudden and obvious hole. Rob himself said back on The Bunching-Boat To Tunisia so long ago that the Guidos were the team to beat, and I think that's been a fair statement until just the last couple of legs. Now, they look (and I emphasize look) like a non-issue. All that bluster, just sort of gone up in a puff of smoke and leaving this big, gaping hole. I think both these teams are stressing out partly because they see an opening that they didn't quite see so clearly before.
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Danza, now with the Detour clue in hand, is arguing over the fact that she wants to get a cab. He's telling her to get it while simultaneously making fun of her for wanting to get it, or so it appears. That's very frustrating. They eventually forego the cab and set out for the steep climb.
Esquire cab. "We seem to get slow drivers," Rob says, "and we can't communicate with them, but this guy takes the cake." He goes on to reiterate the strategy about getting to the airport before Danza and seeing if they can get on a flight Danza won't make. In doing so, he uses the word "boogie." Again. What is that? Anyway, they're in search of the anti-bunch.
Danza, looking for the steep climb. It looks like they're having a meltdown of some kind, because now they can't even follow a sign that has an arrow pointing one way saying "Steep" and another arrow pointing another way saying "Flat." As they bicker about it, she wonders aloud, "How did this all break apart at the end?" No kidding. They were doing really well, too, and now it appears as though they're almost back to square one. He goes off and rechecks the sign while she grumbles to the camera some more, and when he returns and tells her he was right the first time, they fight again. "What is your attitude for?" she asks. Oh, it's for fun, Margarita! Aren't you having fun? They do the steep climb, and it seems to wear them out a bit more than Esquire. It seems to particularly take it out of Loud Pushy Frank, which is kind of surprising. He doesn't actually climb all the way to the top -- hmm, is that allowed? Anyway, Margarita goes up and fetches the clue about Alaska, and they head back down. Now they're walking apart from each other and they're not talking, which is not so good, particularly if Frank's pronouncements about the importance of communication are accurate. They get a cab to the airport.
Esquire cab. Prepare for the best shout-out ever. "This guy's killin' us," Rob complains. "What is it about us and cab drivers?" Shout-out! Untipped Cabbie! Transportation Curse!
Danza gets in their cab.
At the airport, Rob is dickering over what he's going to pay the cabbie.
Danza cab. Margarita wonders why he has to question everything she says. Frank explains that if he'd done everything the way she said, without ever questioning her, they'd have lost a long time ago. I understand the sense in which this is an okay comment -- if both team members don't participate in decision-making, you don't do so well -- but on the other hand, I also know why she doesn't like it. Frank often has a serious superiority complex, and there's obviously an issue between them about whether he does all the work, or thinks that he does, so I don't think I'd like this coming from him either.
Esquire, still hating their cab driver. Rob finally turns over what's being demanded, it appears. "Take it and get out of my sight," he says. Eek. That's not very nice. On the other hand, I don't think it qualifies as an Ugly American moment, because he's not mad at the guy for not speaking English or not being able to give directions. It appears that he's mad at the guy for trying to rip him off, and that can happen in any country. They never show enough in these situations for us to be able to tell whether there's any reason to be pissed off or not, but it looks like your basic consumer dispute. Still, though, kinda nasty, especially for these guys, who don't tend to snap at people too much. They're getting tired and intense, I think.
In the Danza cab, Margarita points out that this would be a good time for them to "give [their] all," and that that includes working together in a way that's a little less dysfunctional than what they've been doing so far today. Frank nods like he's not listening.
Ticket window. Brennan is trying to book the plane tickets (this seems to be one of the things that is assigned to his half of the brain). The ticket agent tells him that they should transfer. They emphasize that they can do whatever works, as long as it happens as soon as possible.
Danza cab. Margarita has seen something about a flight to Los Angeles which she thinks might be promising. She explains it to Frank while he reads and doesn't listen to anything she's saying.
The lovely ticket agent tells Esquire that they'll go from Beijing to San Francisco, then San Francisco to Seattle, then Seattle to Anchorage. She also tells them that from Beijing to San Francisco, there are no economy seats -- only business class. Unfortunately, paying the price of business class ain't in the cards for the contestants (can you imagine how much all this very-last-minute international travel costs anyway?), so they have to do some more work. They tell her they can't fly business class, only economy. But here's what they suggest: bump other people who paid for economy into business so that Esquire can sit in economy. Now what kind of sense does that make? If they think the airline is going to "bump" other people and give them business for the price of economy, why not just ask for it for themselves? Just say, "Can you give us business for the price of economy?" See what I mean? Anyway, they continue to press this theory. I think they must be tired, because this makes no sense.
Danza cab, arriving at the airport. Loud Pushy Frank is arguing with the cab driver as well. Margarita gets exasperated: "It's a dollar! Let's go!" Good point. They walk into the airport, with her griping and him yelling at her. Lovely. What a pleasure it is to spend time with them when they're in this kind of mood.
Esquire is waiting to see what they can get in the way of economy seats. The ticket agent makes it work, and they high-five. Rob says in a quickie interview that they think they've done as well with the flights as can be done, so they're thinking that at the very least, they won't lose any ground to Frank and Margarita.
Danza, trying to book their flight. Margarita says to the ticket agent (not the same one Esquire had), "I have to get to Los Angeles today." That is, of course, not true. As the agent works, Margarita explains to LPFrank that, in addition to the flight to Los Angeles she's trying to get, there's a flight to San Francisco at 1:45 (this is the flight Esquire just got). She wants the L.A. flight, because she thinks that there will be better opportunities to get from L.A. to Anchorage than from San Francisco to Anchorage. LPFrank wants to go to San Francisco and play it safe, whereas Margarita is holding out for going to L.A. and trying to make something magical happen. Interestingly, Frank is trying hard to press his point, but he's doing it by stating his arguments in favor, and he seems to be making a special effort not to be entirely Loud And Pushy about it. Thank you, Frank.
As she's working out the flights, Margarita asks whether there are seats on the flight to San Francisco, and she's told that there are only business class -- but she's also told immediately that they can have business class for the price of economy. Now, some folks have argued that possibly, they're actually getting these seats because of what Esquire did. In other words, the "other people" who Rob and Brennan begged to have promoted to business class from economy are turning out to be Danza. I think that has to be wrong. Unless the ticket agent lied when Rob and Brennan got to the counter, there was already a full load of Economy Ticket People booked through when they got there. Two of the Already Existing Economy Ticket People would have to have been bumped to business class for seats to be freed up so Esquire could get ticketed. Frank and Margarita can't be "promoted" from economy seats to business seats to accommodate Esquire, because Frank and Margarita never had economy seats. I believe the advocates of this theory are confusing having economy seats with paying the economy fare. I think Danza just got a nicer ticket agent than Esquire, and that their agent sold them business class seats for price of economy because economy was full. I could be wrong, but that's the way it looks to me.
Hearing that they can get business seats, Danza books the same route the boys are taking. In a quickie interview, Margarita comments that during the morning hours, she and LPFrank weren't working as a team, so now they realize that they'd better get started.
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Drunken cameramen careen around Beijing airport. Esquire and Danza wait to take off.
Hey, who are these guys in the matching outfits? Oh, yeah. Team Guido is back in Beijing, packing for the leg of the trip. Joe explains that the secret to looking like Team Guido (a secret sought by many, of course) is to roll your clothes rather than folding them. Bill claims you can get three times as much in your pack if you roll. You know, I believe you can get more in your pack, but three times as much? No. Joe voices over that he and Bill are up for the fight, and they think "it's entirely possible" that they'll win. I will not count these guys out until a CBS lawyer confirms for me that someone else has won, but right now, I have to say that it's going to be awfully hard to make up twenty-four hours. It seems like once you're twenty-four hours behind, when you only have a leg and a half to make it up, you're…in rough shape. But as I said, I'll believe they're not going to win when I see it. Joe also makes himself and Bill out to be "the underdog." Umm, no. "Underdogs" are people who have looked all along like they won't win. Arrogance and underdog-ness don't go together. There's only a certain amount of crowing you can do about how brilliant and lovely and perfect you are, and after that, you lose your shot at underdog status forever.
Anyway, Guido discusses what they're going to wear, which I find sort of cute in a way that disturbs me. I have a feeling that if these guys had gotten hosed really early, and had suffered at least one big setback that had given them a little humility, I might have liked them a lot more, because since they've been in this semi-screwed position, they've had a lot more appeal.
10:51 PM. Team Guido. They go outside and step up to the mat to receive the clue. They see that they're going to have to wait until the morning. Speaking of the morning, let's go ahead and cut to it. Guido, walking up to the park. I have to point out that they're walking really slowly for guys who are trying to make up twenty-four hours. I mean, ten minutes could make the difference between making and missing a flight that will change the shape of things considerably, so I'm thinking that in their shoes, you've got to be hustling. They couldn't be hustling less. They're truly strolling, moving much more slowly than Danza and Esquire were. It's like the lack of nearby competition has sapped their drive. Remember the hustle they had back at the Taj Mahal? All that talk about following their electric vibes? Well, why the dawdling now? Anyway, Bill voices over that all it will take for them to come back is "one or two mistakes by these two other teams." Well…yes, in a sense. If they were really, really big mistakes at really, really the right times, and both teams made them, and Guido didn't make any mistakes. But how many really, really big mistakes have Esquire and Danza made on this trip so far?
Guido tracks down the kite. "Don't let the bird bite ya," Joe says cheerily as Bill grabs it. They read the clue. Best thing about this? Another chance to see the Guidos on the bus. You know the song.
Seattle. Plane lands. Danza, sitting at a gate, explains that they're waiting to get on a flight from Seattle to Anchorage. Esquire, sitting at a gate (perhaps the same one, I suppose), reflects on the fact that they're in the U.S. for the first time in quite a while. They look highly relieved. Brennan is wearing the visor, which I always feel the need to point out, because it casts such a pall. Rob holds forth: "As far as strategy, we just have to do what we've done all along, which is take each task at a time and get it done as quickly and as efficiently as we can, and just concentrate on the one after that." That's one of the few times I've seen a team summarize their own strategy and have it actually match the way I would describe their strategy, so that's a plus. On the other hand, they both need haircuts. Badly.
Great Wall. Guidos. They pull the clue and decide that they should go up the steep hill. They look seriously taxed, but they make it all the way up. (Not bad for fifty, fellas; I gotta give you credit.) They look at the Scotty Lake clue. "Oh my God," Bill says. "Alaska."
Plane. Turns out it's the EDG plane landing in Anchorage. (Yeah, while the Guidos are still in Beijing. Score!) Danza gets off the plane long before Esquire, which Margarita explains is because Danza sat in the front of the plane in business class, while Esquire was in literally the last row of the plane in economy. Frank talks about their instructions, which are to find an SUV on the roof of the parking garage, and tell their driver to take them to the B&B. As Frank and Margarita work their way through the airport, Esquire is just getting off the plane, and Margarita's voice-over explains that "you know they were pissed off about that." She's right. You know how I know? As they exit the plane, Rob is chomping the hell out of his gum.
Danza finds the Sport Utility Cab on the roof. Frank gives the destination to the driver, and they're off. Esquire's in the airport. Frank and Margarita, in the SUC, grin at each other. "Good work," Loud Pushy Frank says. What, getting put randomly in business class by your ticket agent? Yeah, that's some good work.
Shortly thereafter, Esquire climbs into their SUC. "Alaska is cold," Brennan says. You know, I'm starting to think these Rain-Man-style comments are part of his sense of humor. At least, I'm hoping they are.
Over a shot of Danza looking completely zombie-like and miserable, Margarita voices over that they're trying to be really friendly, understanding, and respectful. Just not right now, apparently. She says they have hope that they can make it to the end and win.
Beijing. Where Bill and Joe still are. Hee! Now, here comes the tense part. Will the Guidos get a better flight? Will they begin their comeback? They looked fairly quick with the kites -- will they make a different flight and pull something devilish? Just how resilient is the luck of the evil, anyway? In their cab on the way to the airport, Joe explains that their plan is just to get to the airport and see what they can do. "Maybe this is our big opportunity to catch up," Joe says. I grind my teeth. They go up to the ticket window. "What is the fastest way to get to Anchorage, Alaska?" Joe asks. I lean forward in my seat. Will the ticket agent say it? Will she say, "We happen to have a direct flight leaving in five minutes, and the flight attendants will rub your feet and feed you figs and iron your clothes while you wait"? Ticket agent: "You can travel to San Francisco, then San Francisco to Seattle, then Seattle to Anchorage." Woo hoo! Guido no-bunching booty dance! Join me, won't you? This week, let's do it to the tune of "Mr. Big Stuff."
Danza SUC. Night. Loud Pushy Frank is now Creepy Stare Frank, and that's not good at all. They approach the B&B. The yellow flag is outside a little cabin, and Frank pulls the clue. They're supposed to "experience a Native Alaskan blanket-toss," but the hours of operation aren't until 8:00 AM. The clue also tells them to sleep in the cabin right there, so they go inside.
Esquire SUC, approaching the B&B. They climb out, find the flag, and read the clue. Rob opens the cabin door and steps in slowly. He sees Frank and Margarita up in the loft bed. "Hey, you guys, what's goin' on?" Danza doesn't say hello. Oh, come on, people. Is that really necessary? Brennan asks if there are beds up in the loft, and forced to speak, Margarita smirks, "There's one." Rob fills in, "For them." Which is perfectly fair, since they did get there first, but do they have to be rude? What does not saying hello have to do with being competitive? Wouldn't it make you infinitely cooler if you were polite and also kicked their asses? That's what I'd be thinking. I don't know. I don't get it. Maybe I'm not competitive enough.
Anyway, in everyone's favorite imaginary storyline taking place only in my head (The Secret Love of Margarita and Rob), this particular night in the isolated, snowy cabin is very significant. In fact, it forms the key moment in said imaginary storyline. "Is he asleep?" "Yeah, is he asleep?" "Yeah." Chicka chicka bamp bamp.
["In my favorite imaginary storyline, the 'he's in question aren't asleep at all, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Also, bun chicka wah wah." -- Sars]
Brennan voice-over: "Now it's getting competition time. Now we're getting close to the end. We'll probably be neck-and-neck throughout the rest of the race."
Commercials. You can shop at T.J. Maxx and buy your mother a better gift than your sister is getting her, and you can get it for the same price. This will mean that your mother will love you more than she loves your sister, without your having to spend any more money. Gloria in excelsis Deo.
Alaska. Snow. Big animals. Danza, popping out of the cabin in what is obviously Very Special Cold-Weather Gear made available to the teams here. As Snowmobile Boy said to me, doesn't that just figure? They gamble by ditching their stuff, and they might have been screwed for ditching too much, but -- hey, new coats! That hardly seems fair. Anyway, Phil explains that "in the olden days," Native Alaskans would throw somebody in the air on a blanket to look for animals to hunt. Now, each team has to send somebody to get thrown up in the air to try and spot the clue. Because Danza got to the cabin first, they get to go first. Loud Pushy Frank gets tossed up in the air a few times (it's really not much more than a human trampoline, in terms of the amount of drama it provides), and he very quickly spots the yellow flag, which frankly isn't very far away, and is lying in the snow. If they hadn't been tossed around, they could have just looked for it for about thirty seconds and found it, it's so close and so obvious. I'm telling you, the tasks are getting lame. At any rate, the clue tells them to go to Matanuska Glacier, which is a hundred miles away.
Esquire, leaving the cabin to head for the blanket toss. As Danza runs by, I think LPFrank actually says, "All right, see you guys later." Thank you, LPFrank. The silent treatment was really not necessary. Esquire keeps running, and when they make it to the toss, Brennan goes up. It doesn't take him long to find it either, although he seems to enjoy the tossing itself more than Frank did. (Is that dirty?) He also does a somersault at the end, which is cute and funny, except that it makes me think he plays on trampolines a lot, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Visors and trampolines…that raises a sort of frat-party beach-volleyball vibe that isn't entirely a good thing. The boys, running a bit behind Danza, read the clue as well. And as hard as it is to believe, they actually both say, "Let's boogie." Man, it looks like if they'd had this much air time to spend on Esquire in episodes, we would have heard this a lot. "Songwe Village? Let's boogie!" "The Pantheon? Let's rock!" Oy.
Danza gets in their SUC and gets ready to peel out. Esquire grabs their packs. In the SUC, Frank is trying to figure out exactly where he's going to get to the glacier. Esquire climbs into their SUC. Frank hops out somewhere where there's a wreath on the door (huh?) to ask for directions. Here, you get a good look at the snowsuits they've been given, because Frank has the coat off. It's a sort of overall-y thing, very nice. Right behind him, Brennan goes in and asks directions at the same place. What's with that wreath? When it's still winter, can you leave your wreath up indefinitely? Anyway, just as she did with LPFrank, the nice lady inside gives him directions. Cut to Danza, in the SUC, explaining that they've got their map, they've got their book, and they're on their way. Margarita is talking about the fact that they'll need directions again, and sure enough, they stop again.
Esquire SUC, which has caught up to Danza. Rob explains that they're happy to be the trailer rather than the leader, because they're quite sure they know where they're going (because of their "guidebook" -- heh. Geeks), and they don't want to lead Danza there, in case Danza screws up and drives by it. It's an interesting theory, and consistent with their fairly conservative approach -- they don't have much interest in a car chase, or in trying to pass Danza. They feel like they're in the best possible place to avoid a mistake, and that's just where they like to be.
Danza sees the driveway into the park they want to go to, but it says it's closed. They drive off. Esquire pulls up and also sees that it's closed. What happens here is basically that the teams both go off to try to figure out what the hell is going on, and Esquire finds a friendly convenience store first (for once), and is told to ignore the sign that says the place is closed. They follow this advice, and they manage to arrive at the glacier first. Danza is close behind. (Incidentally, the Esquire shades in the snow totally work, in a way that the Esquire shades in warm sunny weather were totally squicky. I may be biased toward cold locales.)
Anyway, Roadblock. At the glacier, somebody has to climb up an ice wall to get the piece of information. The clue says it could be a "slippery situation." Rob: "I'll take it." Brennan: "It's your turn." Yep. Unstoppable! Efficient! Execution! Rob goes on to read that someone who actually knows what he's doing will be helping with the safety gear and tell him a little about technique. Good thing, too, because Rob as a splat mark on a sheet of ice would be a sad way to end the race. Even LPFrank as a splat mark on a sheet of ice would be a sad way to end the race. And if they both turned into splat marks on a sheet of ice, Team Guido would make up some time, and that would be the biggest tragedy of all. Meanwhile, here comes Danza.
The guide shows Rob how to climb, and makes it look very easy. Hey, it's just walking up an ice wall! What could be hard about that? Danza reads the clue, and Frank sort of shrugs and says he'll do it. Rob starts up the wall. Margarita tells the camera that Frank is "neck-and-neck with Rob," and she thinks Frank will "do a better job" with the climbing. She seems to have no particular basis for this, but looks like she thinks that's what the camera expects her to say. Frank is receiving his instructions. Rob and Frank climb. As they get near the top, Rob notices that all the snow that he's been able to stick his little pick thing into has suddenly turned into ice, and it just breaks and falls down when he stabs it. He says, "Ow," and then he says, "C'mon, wall!" Hee. I would never, while struggling to get myself dressed in the morning, be like, "C'mon, hose!" Although that would be funny. Maybe I'll do that week. Frank looks like he's trying to climb by just pulling himself up with his arms, which is not going to work. Kick your feet in, Loud Pushy Frank! "Get those feet in, dude," Brennan yells encouragingly to Rob, agreeing with me. Rob has a hard time with this part at the very end, and Loud Pushy Frank kinda gets the hang of it and gains on him somewhat. Rob does get there first, though. The clue at the top of the wall says to go to a particular mile marker and grab a snowmobile to the pit stop. Rob lets himself back down the wall, and he and Brennan run through the snow toward their SUC.
Loud Pushy Frank, meanwhile, is extremely wobbly on his feet. I think the ice climb was tough. Esquire takes off in their SUC toward the mile marker, and then Danza does as well. Cab shots. Esquire gets to the snowmobiles first. Now, see, when I first saw this coming, I thought Esquire would have the advantage, because if they had to drive the snowmobiles, then the boy you want with you is a boy from snow country. But I guess making people spontaneously figure out how to drive a snowmobile was a little too hard on the insurance premiums, because it turns out they're just riding on a dragging thing tied to the back of the snowmobile, exactly like a taxi. What a rip-off. Esquire takes off, and we get lovely shots of them winging their way over the snow. Danza takes off, and Frank says -- I kid you not -- "Let's rock." Is this a conspiracy?
Snowmobile ride.
Esquire pulls up to the pit stop. They hop out and go to the…what, is it a mat? It's in the snow, so…maybe it's a snowmat or something. (Yes, I made that word up. Snowmat. You know why? Because making up words is certainly allowed in a world where Survivor can decide that bandannas are called "buffs.") The greeters at this stop are adorable, especially in their big winter coats. They tell the boys they're first, and to take a rest in the lodge for twelve hours. The boys high-five (they cross-five, actually), and say, "One more!" One more leg, that is, for those of you who completely aren't paying attention. "You smell that, dude? That's victory, one leg away," Rob says. Yep. That's a fact.
Danza, pulling up. Welcome, Team Danza, you are team number two. Go to the cabin, we'll see you in twelve hours. Frank wears a huge grin.
Now, my favorite moment of the week. Esquire, watching Danza arrive. Intense stares. Rob in knit hat, Brennan with the sunglasses perched on his head. Rob, turning around to Brennan: "It's gonna be a good race, man. It's gonna be a real good race." Now, I think they cornered him and made him say that, but it's very effective. (And check the smile on his roomie. Rrrrooowwwr.)
Anchorage. You know, I actually was thinking that the thing I was going to have to write was the "week" segment? Ha! I forgot all about Team Guido. They're in Anchorage. Joe voices over, as they find their way to their SUC, that they're going to "kick and scream and fight" to get back in it. Yep. Better get started, because you're still a day behind. In their cab, they get to the usual task of discussing their extreme state of readiness and their relevant experience. Bill: "This'll be snow country. We're used to cold weather, we love cold weather." He doesn't say they lived in Antarctica for two years, but you know he wants to. They hop out at the B&B and grab the clue. They read it, and as they enter the cabin, Joe voices over, "We're still very confident to win the show, and it'll be real dramatic to have a team come from way behind and pull ahead in a squeaker, and that's what I predict is gonna happen."
Shirtless Lounging Frank beauty shot, presumably at the pit stop: "I do feel that we are gonna win. I just have that gut feeling that we're destined to win this thing. Cut to Rob: "Frank and Margarita are the people we have to beat now, and we have to try our damnedest to do it." Margarita: "We are gonna win. There's no question about that." Brennan: "It's time to focus on the victory. It's time to focus on winning the amazing race." Or else he says, "It's time to focus on winning The Amazing Race." I tried thinking of it both ways, and either way, it's kinda dorky.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Phil says it's "the season finale," and I have a horrible sad pang. Sniff. Anyway, running! Taxis! Traffic lights! Jumping Bill! Do-rags! Dogsleds! Resentment! The Guidos going "balls to the wall"! (Oh, eeww!) Hating-Hats! Someone winning big fat wads of cash! Don't! Miss! It! And by all means, if you're going to be in New York when it airs Thursday (note, not Wednesday, but Thursday), join us at the MBTV TARcon -- check the forums for details.