Previously on Thrilla With-a Phil-a: The sun came up. From Krabi, Thailand, the teams went to Pai Plong Beach, via mountains, water, and a big chicken. Anti-bunching gave us two lead teams -- Danza and Esquire -- and two trailing teams -- Guidos and Frats -- separated by what was eventually a time difference of about eighteen hours. Rob grunted, "Huuh!" but then he hurt his finger. Margarita despaired, "My legs are shaking!" but then she climbed the mountain. The Esquire transportation curse continued, and spread from land to sea. Bill and Joe pondered whether the world has ever known anything as wonderful as they are, Frank and Margarita frolicked in flowered fields while the strains of Some Enchanted Evening swelled in the background, and Drew and Kevin debated who had the more burdensome ass. Tonight? The brawl for it all (tm Kevin).
Credits. Music from the upcoming boxing/needlepoint film, Now THAT'S What I Call Hitting The Canvas!.
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This week, the cameramen have mixed their usual vodka tonics with entire boxes of Dexatrim, and they are therefore motivated to jerk even more violently than usual from one scene to another. I had trouble seeing this sequence through the violent seizure it induced, but it goes something like this: beach, sun, boats, sun, trees, truck, trees, sun, statue, water, sun disappearing and reappearing, guy bowing and praying, beach, statue, sun, statue, sun, statue, sun, sun, sun, mountains and beach, beach, boats. I'm not kidding. I'm concerned that the cameramen are high, and if they are, that the editors are their dealers.
Phil tells us that we are at Pai Plong Beach. Damn, that's a fine-looking beach, certainly one of the better pit stop locations. (Between this and The Tiger Cave Temple Of Plush Pillows, we're getting some very nice scenery lately.) Shots of the teams arriving. And now, ladies and gentlemen, settle back with your popcorn and enjoy Phil's famous yellow-and-white-route-markers, clues-in-sealed-envelopes speech, accompanied by the mesmerizing sight of The Soft And Sweetly Loving Hands Of Rule-Related Exposition. I guess last week's failure to provide this crucial information was just a fluke. Van Munster is worried about the latecomers, and the possibility that they're confused. Someone, incidentally, has got to tell me who the Exposition Hands are. Please. It's killing me. Are you the Exposition Hands? Call me. We'll have lunch. I'll just watch adoringly while you salt my food.
Anyway, Phil tells us that this is the last leg to end in an elimination, and then the three last teams will just race for the finish line. Shot of Danza and Esquire standing on the beach as Phil exposits yet again that these two teams are ahead. Phil? I am visibly aging here. Can we move along? Incidentally, Phil says that the Guidos and the Frats will be at the pit stop long after Esquire and Danza leave -- he fails to mention that the Guidos and the Frats appear to have not even arrived until long after Danza and Esquire left. Phil attempts to build suspense by wondering aloud whether the trailing teams can catch up with the leaders, but his efforts are undercut by how utterly ridiculous he looks in the rolled-up pant-legs and the bare feet. Sucks to be washed up on the beach in paradise with nothing but your beige button-down shirt and your brown pants. Where's Phil's Hawaiian shirt? Where are Phil's devil-may-care denim cutoffs? Everybody else gets to swim, but Phil's mom only lets him go wading.
Esquire cab. "It just feels good to have a little bit of a lead in one of the most important legs of the race," Brennan says. "The most important leg," Rob says with a smile. "It would be huge if we could get there by the end of the day," he goes on, "because otherwise the second-tier teams are gonna gain a little ground." He makes a forward-march gesture and says, "Drive fast." Incidentally, something about the angle and the light in this shot reveals what's under the white patch on Rob's shirt: a Nike swoosh. Damn, I really thought it was an MBTV logo.
In a Team Guido interview in which they are wearing the team-name-embroidered Even-Worse-Than-The-Hating-Hats, Bill explains that although they're currently bunched away from the lead, "that can all be changed at any moment by the great equalizer, which is the airport." Well, yes, Bill, but probably not to the tune of eighteen hours. That's going to take a series of bunchings, I'd think. Furthermore, it could just as easily get worse at the airport, depending on who makes flights and who misses them. We'll see, Guido. We'll see.
Phuket Airport, which is not actually officially called "The Great Equalizer," 8:20 AM. (Wouldn't it be great if your airport really were called "The Great Equalizer"? You could say, "I'm flying out of JFK at 7:15, and I get in to The Great Equalizer at 10:40, assuming a good tailwind.") Esquire learns that there's a flight to Bangkok (where they need to go first in order to connect to Beijing) at 8:30. They don't make it. The counter person tells them it's gone. Rob looks disgusted. "I can't believe we missed that flight," he says. "That's gonna haunt me, dude. It's gonna haunt me." Brennan is quiet, but his face is all gritted-teeth-smiling, like, "I'm trying to book a flight, man, and if you don't shut up, I'm going to break your other hand, and that will haunt you." As Frank walks up, Rob tells him the bad news. "Are you ready to kick yourself?" He goes on to explain that had they made the 8:30 to Bangkok, they could have been in Beijing by 4:30. Now? They have to wait until midday for a flight to Bangkok. Again, I find the friendliness of these teams really interesting, considering their checkered history. ["Rob's monologue in Episode Eight, about how they generally are relieved to see other teams because it means they're on the right track, might explain it." -- Sars] Both teams decide not to buy tickets from Bangkok to Beijing yet, hoping to make something good happen once they're at the airport.
Incidentally, who's chatting behind Loud Pushy Frank's back as he explains his airport strategy to the camera? Margarita and Rob. You heard it here first -- it's the best pretend storyline ever!
Flight takes off from Phuket, flight lands in Bangkok, as shown by The Amazing Yellow Line on The Amazing World Map. Whining music…well, it whines.
Danza cab, Bangkok. Margarita says they're going to the ticket office in the city to try to book a flight. Esquire, on the other hand, pursues ticketing options by wandering the airport. Nothing doing until "middle of the night/morning," they learn.
Anyway, Esquire explains that they don't know where Danza is, but they haven't seen them at the airport. "They might have figured out something that we didn't," they speculate. (Isn't that interesting? If it had been Team Guido, they would have been all, "We haven't seen them at the airport, so they must have gotten wildly lost on their way here, and they're probably in Australia by now, because they don't know their way around airports and we're really not that threatened by them as a team…" I think it's safe to say the whole "they might have outwitted us" thing would never have occurred to them.) Brennan, in this interview, is fondling what appears to be a red cabbage. No, I have no idea.
Meanwhile, Danza realizes they've got a long layover ahead, so they duck into a mall to "do something about [their] backpacks." The theory seems to be that since they've only got a few days left, they don't need to be carrying so much stuff, and they can afford to ditch their heavy backpacks. They sort through their belongings, and Frank seems to ditch one thing (I think it's a sock) just based on how it smells, which I found particularly funny. Furthermore, to his credit, Frank ditches a hat. Woo! If only they'd ALL ditch their damn hats. He accuses his wife of being a pack rat, and they yakkety-yak like married people, which is kinda nice. Frank voices over that Bangkok was a "pivotal moment" for them as a couple, because by ditching their belongings, they got a new start. Eh, okay. It's a little blatant on the baggage symbolism, which is about as subtle as the Christ imagery in Billy Budd, Sailor, but if Literate Helping Frank wants to make the effort, I won't stand in his way. Armed with smaller packs, they're on their way. (Miss Alli's Mom, as they walk away from their piles of junk, which they've left in the middle of the floor: "They could have at least thrown it in the trash.")
Rob explains that Drew and Kevin will make the 8:30 on Day Two that Esquire and Danza barely missed on Day One, so they'll pick up some time. Speaking of whom…
11:35 PM. Drew and Kevin. Drew explains in an interview that this leg will be more brutal than the final leg, but his explanation kind of loses me. It has something to do with how fourth place was good when there were eleven teams, but it kind of sucks when there are four teams, but I'm not sure why this leg will be worse than the one, when even third place will suck. Actually, second place will suck too. Anyway, Team Shower-Fresh makes it to a hotel, where they start trying to get information about flights. As they're at the counter trying to make phone calls, some girls come by, and Drew wonders aloud whether the place is a "house of ill refute" [sic]. Kevin allows as how there's at the very least a "big big party going on." He calls to check on flights, and he calls the person on the phone "my friend," as always. I adore Kevin.
1:25 AM. Esquire and Danza on their flight to Beijing. Rob has his black do-rag on. (How many of those does a boy need?) Brennan is wearing the Hating-Hat. Ack. They'll be in Beijing at 7:00 on the morning of Day Two.
1:30 AM. Guidos get the clue. As they make their way across the beach, Joe explains to us in the Horrid-Hat interview that "eventually, it's going to come down to the final three." Based on that, he says that he and Bill "need to be one of those three teams." Uhhhh…okay. Good thinking, Joe! At 3:48 in the morning, they make it to Phuket airport, where Kevin and Drew are booking their flights to Bangkok and then to Beijing.
Speaking of Beijing, let's go there now. Look! People on bicycles. And here's the EDG plane, landing. They scurry off the plane, and for whatever reason, Danza outperforms Esquire at the taxi stand (oh, I'm sorry -- I know why) and zooms off in the first cab. They arrive at Jingshan Park and start the climb up to the top pavilion. Margarita asks Loud Pushy Frank whether he thinks Rob and Brennan have gotten there yet, and he gives the only right answer to that question: "Don't know, don't care." Way to go, LPFrank.
Esquire, meanwhile, piles out of their cab and starts up as well.
Danza opens the Detour. This is actually one of the better detours I think they've come up with, because it actually presents an interesting choice. Choice one, "Volley," requires the team to go play ping-pong against a "local champion" and score five points. Phil reminds us that ping-pong is the national sport in China, so perhaps teams shouldn't hold their breath. Choice two, "Rally," requires the teams to complete a three-part transportation race, including a bus, a motorcycle, and a rickshaw. Danza decides to do the ping-pong, which I have to say struck me as absolutely insane when I saw them do it. But then, I'm really bad at ping-pong. I could be soundly beaten by the champion of the Lilliputian Table Tennis Federation. I probably wouldn't even score five points.
Here comes Esquire. They read the Detour clue. "Let's do the ping-pong -- we've got our driver, we're good at ping-pong…" "They're probably going to kick our butt," Brennan says prophetically.
In Cab Danza, Margarita explains their decision. Basically, they're experiencing Momily-like levels of frustration, and she's ready for the path of least resistance. No more traffic, no more taxis, no more local streets. She's had it. As she's explaining, Frank finishes reading the clue, which they apparently hadn't done before. It seems that he didn't notice the "you have to win five points" part. He just saw that they had to play. Rather a large omission, Hasty Confident Frank. Anyway, he's sad now, because he's noticed that "the Chinese are really good at ping-pong," and he thinks winning five points could take a while.
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Beijing. People on bicycles. Esquire is on their way to the community center where the ping-pong is to be played, and Rob explains that he understands that ping-pong is the national sport, but he and Brennan "have a table at [their] place, and [they're] good, too." Dude! Party at Esquire's. Then he waggles his taped-up injured knuckle and points out that, because of this little problem, Brennan is doing the pinging and ponging on behalf of the team. (He actually says Brennan is doing "the legwork on the ping-pong paddle," which doesn't make any sense, so I translated it into English for you.) Inside their cab, Brennan says that "no matter how good the ping-pong player is, even if you've never played before, you should be able to get five points." You may call that The Brennan Quote His Friends Will Throw In His Face For The Rest Of His Life. I suspect that's what he calls it.
Frank and Margarita arrive at The Community Center Of Ping-Pongness. The "local champion" appears, and he looks to be about twelve. And it's a good thing, too, because I've seen some elite ping-pong on ESPN2, and these people could have been here a LONG time if it hadn't been a twelve-year-old. "They bring some kid to spank me…no problem," says Intimidated Insecure Frank. There's something about that Frank moment that has exactly the one form of charm he has that I like. It's the same thing he did when Margarita passed him in the sports car while he was in the Swatch car, and he said, "That's cool, though." Heh. Anyway, Frank flubs the first point. Spanky flubs the second point. Spanky flubs another point. Spanky flubs again, and it's 3-1 in favor of LPFrank. (Spanky is nervous, I think.) Frank hits the one off the table. Spanky's warming up now, and Frank flubs another one, followed by another one. Now it's 4-3, Spanky.
Esquire cab. Rob starts to grin. "Watch…I think we're underestimating this ping-pong dude." Brennan chuckles. Rob, again: "Three hours later…balls bouncin' off your forehead…" Hee! Funny Esquire. Furthermore, there (on the word "bouncin'") is Rob's Minnesota accent for you, and what could be cooler than that?
Back at the CCPP, Spanky misses again. It's a tie now. Frank's in the net, and down 5-4. Now Frank's off the table, and down 6-4. Spanky finally misses, and Danza is on its way. They both shake Spanky's hand, then they go collect the clue. It tells them to go to a market and do some shopping. "Not bad for an old guy," Frank says as they leave, still giddy over his ability to hold his own against a twelve-year-old. One could be inclined to make fun, but Frank's exhilaration is going to seem a lot more reasonable in about two minutes.
Phil explains that when they've bested Spanky, the teams will have to go to a food market, get a shopping list, and pick up some stuff. They'll need help with the list, though, because it's written in Chinese. There's a particularly lovely shot along here of the heads of something or other, lying in their own juices. Yum.
Esquire, CCPP. Spanky scopes them out as they enter. Spanky looks completely different as he starts to play Brennan. I have a feeling that he got significantly warmed up or relaxed or something during his bout with Loud Pushy Frank, and now he's on fire. Spanky not only quickly goes to work on Brennan, but also manages to win the second point off of Brennan's crotch, which is just plain demoralizing. ["If any of you has ever wondered what the phrase 'oh, NOT' would look like in the flesh, dig Brennan's face when the ping-pong ball bounces off his wonderfulness. Perfect. I laughed out loud. Sorry, Brennan." -- Sars] "I just need five," Brennan says, down 3-0. He loses another point. "And I've got a long way to go," he adds.
Danza de-cabs at the market. Phil tells us that they have to buy five beetle larvae, one squid, and two chicken feet. I'd do the chicken feet okay, and I've eaten squid (though I found it disgusting), but the beetle larvae? Oy. They're wiggling and everything, right there in the bins. Shudder. Serving suggestion? They go great with red wine and Raid. Once they buy the food, the teams have to take it to what basically looks like part of a food court.
CCPP. Spanky 11, Brennan zero. Zippo, zilch, nada. Brennan chuckles pretty good-naturedly as he repeats the score. "Eleven-zero." Yup. When he loses the point, he says he'll let it go to fifteen-zip, and then he'll maybe let Rob give it a try, even with the screwy finger. Spanky gets another one, to make it 13-0. "That's some good old-fashioned ass-kicking," Rob says admiringly in the background, and Brennan laughs. Heh. No kidding. You've got to give the boys credit for the good humor in this sequence, I think. At this point, Spanky nets one, and it's 13-1. Brennan raises his arms in triumph.
The market. Danza is explaining that they want exactly five beetle larvae.
CCPP. 14-1. 15-1. Up comes Rob, busted finger on the paddle hand and everything. His first shot is off the table. 16-1. Spanky's shot sails long. 16-2. Rob's shot sails long. 17-2.
Market. Margarita explains, "I'm getting a big giant squid." I'd point out that these aren't "big giant squid." There is such a thing as a "big giant squid," and you're not getting one, Margarita. Now eating that would be a Roadblock.
CCPP, where we're up to 21-2. Esquire is getting its ass thoroughly and decisively kicked. By Spanky. Who's twelve. Man, and you thought the guys at Bally's were gonna ride Brennan about the time he let Amie beat him over the fence at the Coliseum in Tunisia. He's never going to have peace now. Ever. If I were an Esquire buddy, I definitely think the time I played one of them, I'd continually threaten to get on the Spanky-Phone and have him beaten soundly. "Don't make me call Beijing!" Anyway, Spanky's shot is way off, and it's 21-3. I would point out that the twelve-year-old-ness of the opponent isn't keeping Rob from wearing his Competition Face -- that would be the grim, determined, I'd-chew-gum-if-I-had-any face. Spanky's off the table again. 21-4. Rob's in the net. 22-4. Rob's off the table. 23-4. Rob's in the net again. 24-4. Spanky flubs his shot, and Rob emerges victorious, winning (?) by a final score of 5-24. Have I mentioned that Spanky is twelve? Rob and Brennan both shake the kid's hand, and they head out. They give their driver the address of the market, and off they go.
Danza, buying chicken feet, then hopping in a cab with their new and improved lightweight backpacks. (That was a good idea, I'm starting to think.) "Margarita with the shopping skills," Frank says admiringly once they're on their way. They discuss the fact that, apparently, they're the only ones around who were buying their beetles by the piece, because you're supposed to buy them in bulk. Of course you are. Who can eat just one beetle larva?
Esquire, at the market. For whatever reason, they wind up with a dried squid instead of a wet one. Doesn't really matter, I suppose. Grapes, raisins, whatever. They, too, comment on the weird looks they're getting for not stocking up on beetle larvae. Then they're out and on their way. In the cab, Rob takes out the squid and mock-gnaws on it. Heh.
Danza, at the food court. They read the Roadblock clue, which says, "Who's hungry?" Margarita clearly doesn't want to do this at all, but when Frank insists that she actually say she doesn't want to do it, rather than just passive-aggressive-ing that she doesn't want to do it, she changes course and passive-aggressives that she'll do it. Incidentally, I'm totally with Frank. If she doesn't want to do it, that's fine, but she ought to be willing to say, "Eew, don't make me eat the bugs, baby." If she had, that would've been fine. Instead, now she reads the clue, which confirms that she has to eat all of what they just bought (after having it cooked). Yep. Moral of the story? If you don't want to do it, say, "I don't want to do it." Otherwise, you end up bitter and resentful, which is bad enough even when you don't have a mouthful of beetle larvae.
Meanwhile, in their cab, Esquire examines the food. Brennan makes little alien noises with the beetles, which completely cracks me up, and Rob intuits that he probably knows what the Roadblock is. You betcha.
Frank calls Margarita "a moron" for saying she'd do the food when she didn't want to. She insists she was trying to help him, because his stomach was upset. They now have the famous Fight From the Previews, in which she says she doesn't appreciate the way he talks to her when he does things like calling her a moron. As I've made clear, I think she sort of was a moron in this situation, but also, as I've said many times, Frank could use a little more humility and a little less yelling, so I'm with her on that point. I'm always in favor of Margarita saying, "You don't have to speak to me like that."
Frank tells the camera in a quickie interview, "I do appreciate that she's trying to help me out. I'm just a little impatient and stubborn and stupid sometimes, so I guess I need to apologize." He forgot to say "loud and pushy," but other than that, it was a very self-aware moment for Frank. Outside, Esquire arrives and pulls the Roadblock clue. Inside, Frank finds his wife. "I just want to apologize for being an insensitive jerk," he says. When she snorts at him, he says, "I am! I'm apologizing." They kiss and make up. Hmm. When I first saw this apology, it didn't look very sincere to me. It looked like one of those apologies where the guy says he's sorry, but he's smirking the entire time because he thinks the fact that you want him to apologize is so stupid, but he's humoring you to get you to shut up. Now, though, I realize that it's extremely hard to tell the difference between that apology and the kind of apology where the guy is genuinely embarrassed and sheepish, and smirking for that reason. So I'm not sure which it is. I'm leaning about 60-40 that it was sincere at this point.
Outside, when Esquire sees the "Who's hungry?" clue, Rob immediately says, "Well, this is your thing." I think this is almost the first time they haven't alternated (Brennan did the paddling, too), so I'm curious about what it is about eating chicken feet, beetles, and squid that could possibly be Brennan's "thing." At any rate, it takes them their usual four-tenths of a second to decide what they're doing.
As the food cooks, Frank tells Margarita that she has to eat fast. "In a jiffy," as he says. Hey, Frank Formerly Known As Loud And Pushy? Shut up. She knows.
Here comes Esquire. Brennan smiles at Danza as they pass. "Let me guess, Bren, you're doing it," Margarita says. What, does he eat everything everywhere they go? Is he Exotic Food Liker? There's definitely a dynamic here that I'm not getting. (Or else she wants Brennan to do it so Rob won't have beetle breath later, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.) Esquire gives the chef their food, and Danza collects theirs, now fully cooked. Margarita starts in, and she's doing pretty well, until she makes one very sour face. "Wow, it's that bad, huh?" Brennan says, trying to frown but actually smiling. She starts eating again. Brennan, quietly and warily, to Rob: "Whatever you do, don't stand there lookin' at me like Frank's doing to her, two feet from my face." Sure enough, Frank is standing very close to his wife, staring intently at her as every piece of food goes into her mouth. Wow -- back off, Unnecessarily Attentive Frank. As Margarita continues to eat, Brennan collects his cooked food. Rob wears a scowly-smiley face through this entire sequence, as Brennan chews first on the chicken feet. Margarita tries washing down a whole beetle with some of her drink; nothing doing, so she takes it out of her mouth and takes it apart so she can eat it. Eek.
Meanwhile, as Brennan eats the chicken, Rob asks him, "Is it curry?" "No," Brennan says sadly. "It's just…feet." HA! Eating feet is funny. Rob thinks so, too, because he's got a full cackle going now. Over footage of Margarita scarfing food down, she voices over that as she ate bite after bite, she tried to think about her daughter and the money they might win. "College tuition," she says in the interview as she mimes popping beetles into her mouth. In this interview, Lovely Smile Frank shows off his…well, lovely smile. I admit it. These two have totally grown on me.
Brennan eats the bugs as Rob looks on in what I can only describe as growing horror. Well, it might just be amazement. "Wow, you're good at this," he says admiringly. "At least you're getting lunch." Hee.
Margarita's all done, and she gets the clue, which sends her off (with a hearty "good job, Mar" from Rob). As Brennan finishes eating, he can't resist playing with his food just a tiny bit more, making a sort of "Awk" noise as he dangles a shred of squid over his plate. Because he's mature that way. Outside, as Danza grabs a cab, Margarita explains that the beetles were problematic partly because they made her think of cockroaches. Word. They made me think of cockroaches, too.
Brennan eats his last bite, and they open the wok containing the clue (he sings a majestic and hearty "doo dee doo," which is also funny). In this particular shot, the visor looks like it could easily be a full-fledged baseball cap with a plant growing out of the top of it. It's a very, very unfortunate angle. The clue tells them to go to the south gate at the Temple of Heaven at Tiantan Park. "Temple of Heaven…I know I have this written down," Rob says, checking his notes as they walk out. "Written down"? My goodness. The boy takes notes.
Danza, in the cab, heading for the park.
As they get into the cab, Brennan says, "Let's boogie." Okay, in two weeks, that's two "let's boogie"s and one "let's rock." If they say "let's party" week, I'm quitting them for good. Once they're in the cab, here's Brennan, still recovering from all the greasy-food-eating: "Do I have crap on my face?" Rob, thoughtfully: "Uhhh, just that stupid goatee." Bwah! That's my Line Of The Week. Also, amen. The goatee is bad. To his credit, Brennan laughs heartily at this. (He's lucky Rob didn't go after his experimental sideburns, too, actually.) Now you can believe they "call each other 'dumb-ass' quite a lot," as I was told, can't you?
Danza lands on the mat. Welcome, Team Danza, you are team number one. They grin and drink tea.
Esquire. Mat. Welcome, Team Esquire, you are team number two. They grin and drink tea. Rob explains in an interview, "Frank and Margarita and the two of us are kind of front-running right now…the third team is a wild card. Joe and Bill are scrambling a little bit right now. I think Drew and Kevin are a little more confident than they are. But tomorrow, one of them's history."
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Beijing. In a Danza interview, Margarita notes that Guido and the Frats are basically the most diametrically opposed teams you could hope to find in the world. (Good and evil are like that.) "What I do know," she astutely observes, "is that both teams will be equally aggressive, equally determined, equally driven." Yep. I'm with that. Here, we see footage of Guidos and Frats arriving in Beijing and getting taxis toward the pavilion where the first route marker is. (I feel obligated to mention also that in this footage, Bill's hair certainly looks barely attached, although it could be a camera trick. Again, I'm wary of drawing any conclusions.) Apparently, they were on the same flights, but the Frats get out of the airport with a very slim lead. Kevin repeats his characterization that this leg is "the brawl for it all," and I almost can't watch. Drew: "If we don't make it before them, we go home. And I'm not ready to go home."
In the Guido cab, Joe is once again speaking to the cabbie in English with a goofy accent. Of all the habits displayed on this trip, I find that the strangest. "Jingshan Park is mountain?" he weirdly says, gesturing. Whatever, Discount Joe.
Frats arrive at the park and start up the steps. They read the clue, and decide that they don't play ping-pong nearly well enough to score five points against a local champion. "They'll squash us," Kevin says. They're heading down the mountain to do the transport "rally." When they get down there, their driver isn't completely sure where the bus can be found. Uh-oh.
Guidos, running up the steps. They can't play ping-pong either. "I'm terrible at it," Joe says, in what I think is the first display of humility they've shown in eleven episodes. They're on their way back down.
Frats find the bus, and they're off. The Guidos get what seems to be the bus, and they're off as well. (Sing it with me! "Guidos on the bus go round and round, aaaalllll throooooough the tooooooown!") Frats de-bus and find their way to the motorcycle. They put helmets on and climb aboard. They're off. Drew, riding behind the driver, looks down at Kevin, riding in the little sidecar. "You look like an idiot!" he calls with a grin. "You look like such an idiot!" Kevin starts singing the Batman theme: "Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na…" And then he says either "Batman!" which is what I originally thought he said, or "Fatman!" which it sounds like when I listen to it now. They're tense, but they're laughing, big-time. And I like that. I also like this excellent shot of the charming smile of Kevin, Stealth Heartthrob.
Motorcycle riding. It seems to take a while, because it's getting dark. "Ooooh! Owww! I think my left testicle is just rolling around the streets of Beijing," Drew says. Hee! Now Bill and Joe get strapped into their motorcycle. The helmets, of course, look perfect on them, because they match. Furthermore, Joe has his helmet on at a jaunty angle, which I find hysterically funny. "You doing okay, honey?" Bill asks Joe. "This is a make-it-or-break-it day for us," Joe snots back. Aaargh. They're riding with Bill's hand on Joe's shoulder, which is cute. Evil, but cute. (Don't ask me what "evil, but cute" means. It baffles me, too.)
Frat motorcycle. "Very cool, like the Fonz!" Kevin says. "Aaaaaaaaaayyyyy!" He now says to Drew, "You're supposed to put your hands around his waist." Drew: "Like Pinky Tuscadero!" HA! I love them so much. They get stuck in traffic, and argue about whether it's Kevin's "heavy weight" or Drew's "extra ass" that's slowing them down. The bickering seems to have become entirely good-natured again, and I'm happy to see that. They hop out, and probably due to the traffic, the Guidos are right behind them. (Damn traffic bunching.) The Guidos refer to the Frats as "the fatties" again, as well as "coneheads." You know, for all of you who don't like to see the Guidos mocked for the way they look, I'd remind you that they give just as good as they get in this area, so I don't think they'll hate me for telling you that they look dorky in the helmets.
Both teams pile into bicycle rickshaws. Because they have the luck of the evil, the Guidos rickshaw for some reason takes off before the Frats, as the Frats' driver sort of tinkers around getting ready to go. Bill mentions yet again the Frats' fatness (thanks, Bill), and Joe points out that nevertheless, the Frats are keeping up with them just fine. "Maybe their guy's got quadriceps like you wouldn't believe," Joe allows, and frankly, that was funny. Furthermore, I don't think it's that surprising. Quadriceps like you wouldn't believe? On a guy who drives a bicycle rickshaw for a living? Yes, I bet he does have those.
Kevin urges their driver on: "Come on, buddy, you gotta pick it up here, pal." The entire thing now evolves into a very, very tense but also just slightly funny scene, in that it's absolutely the slowest incredibly suspenseful chase ever. The Frats come up just behind Bill and Joe. "Do you have any idea how heavy they are?" Bill snots. "It doesn't matter, they're immediately behind us," Joe points out. Heh. This is a good Joe episode. It also reminds me of the famous The Princess Bride "inconceivable" sequence. Bill: "Those fatty coneheads are gaining on us? Inconceivable!" Joe: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Everybody urges on their driver. Kevin hunkers down (presumably to…reduce wind resistance?). On a curve, the Frats pass the Guidos. "That's it! That's it, my friend, very good!" Kevin says, in a moment very reminiscent of how they talked to Maxwell, their driver in the very first episode. Sigh. As they reach an uphill stretch, the Guidos pass the Frats again. "That's where it helps to be light," Joe says. Yeah, whatever. The Guidos get to the clue just before Kevin and Drew, and everybody learns that the step is the market -- which doesn't open until 6:30 in the morning. "We'll all go shopping together!" Drew calls out. Something about the Guidos and Frats shopping together is a great image, by the way. Maybe they can all buy matching outfits.
In case you didn't notice, of course, the entire rickshaw thing was actually completely irrelevant, but you know what? Doesn't matter! It was exciting, because we didn't know it didn't matter, and they didn't know it didn't matter, so it was exciting. Surprisingly so, for something that probably never got over ten miles an hour. As we head for the commercials, Joe reminds us that he and Bill are "absolutely determined to knock out Drew and Kevin." What, you thought the Guidos would say they didn't really care anymore whether they won or lost? "I have no animosity towards Team Guido," Drew says, "but if we have to take them down to win, we have to take them down to win." Yep. I'd say so.
Commercials. My local news station would like me to know that the ten o'clock news will feature a story about a new and fabulous vasectomy procedure. The teaser features some expert-type saying, "Put the clip on, and you're done!" Ummm…ow. I mean, I don't know the details, and I can't fully appreciate the situation, but, you know, just sympathetically…ow.
6:00 AM. Joe explains that he and Bill (who, in this interview, match right down to the exact angles at which their collars are turned up -- I'm telling you, it's sometimes creepy) have been entirely focused on getting to the final three, and they haven't yet considered how they'll win the whole race. Do you really need a new plan? Isn't "try to get there before everybody else" pretty much gonna do it in terms of a plan?
Frats, in an interview, describe their activities overnight. They stayed in a nice hotel and, as Drew says, "had food." He pauses. "Not Chinese food, because we're in China…" Kevin: "It's just food." Okay, point one? That's funny. Point two? Pssst. That's kind of an old joke. But don't tell anybody I pointed it out. While having just-food, they met their interpreter. "We got one team to beat here," Kevin says in the cab on the way to the market. "We're running neck-and-neck with Bert and Ernie." At the market, the Guidos recruit an interpreter as well, to go into the market with them. Basically, the teams run exactly together through the market, from stall to stall, buying what they're supposed to buy. At one point, Kevin seems to be wanting to slow the Guidos down, but it's not a very well-formed plan, given that they're all bunched together, and they don't really seem to try to do it. (They do sort of cut in front of Bill, which makes Bill roll his eyes in disgust. He's very offended, of course.)
They make their way to the food court to get their stuff cooked. Joe and Drew are doing the task. It looks for a minute like the chef might be first-come, first-served, but after the Guidos give him their food, he takes the Frats' food, too. Bill calls Joe over to a table to chat. "You know he's just gonna guzzle," he says. Honestly, Bill could come up with something else to say about the Frats, don't you think? He seems like a smart enough guy. Anyway, Kevin counsels Drew on popping the beetles in his mouth as fast as possible, while the chef cuts up the squid. Ick. Drew thinks it's a lot of food. Kevin doesn't. "You ate last night like you were going to the electric chair," Kevin says, and Drew laughs, a good, happy, broad, lovely, relaxed laugh, which is really odd and nice, considering the tense circumstances. Kevin tries to visualize the food as a normal dinner: "The acorns [I think he's telling Drew to think of the beetles as acorns] are the appetizer, the chicken feet are the pasta, and the fish [squid] is the main course." Hee. I love Kevin. "I'm not that hungry," Drew shrugs. "We ate Danish this morning." Hee. I love Drew, too. (Not that I'm longing for the recently-engaged or anything -- and congratulations, Drew!) "No MSG!" Drew calls to the chef. Man, I could watch them all day. Bill encourages Joe to loosen his belt.
The boys get their food at the same time. Kevin insists that Drew put down the fork and use his hands. "Piece of cake, brother, piece of cake!" Kevin says encouragingly. "Good job, Joe, your pace is great," Bill says. Isn't that such a perfect contrast between these teams? Kevin's saying "piece of cake," and Bill is evaluating Joe's "pace." Hee. "Now we're at Hooters, now we're at Hooters," Kevin says as Drew works on the chicken feet. Again, I simply have to say -- hee. "Plenty of room, plenty of room," he goes on as Drew stuffs food into his mouth. You know, I have a feeling that part of the problem with eating all this stuff isn't just that there's anything wrong with the food (though the bugs look gross), but that it was all (according to the footage of the chef) fried, and it's hard to eat that much fried greasy stuff all at once, you know? At one point, Drew stops to ask how he's doing compared to Joe, and Kevin tells him to stay on task. "Eat, you fat bastard," he says, and there you have it -- a perfect circle from the first episode. "I don't wanna give you the Heimlich," Kevin says. "You're way too fat for me to get my arms around you." Drew finishes first, and returns his plate. They get the clue and run for a cab.
Joe gamely gnaws and gnaws and gnaws at the chicken, and finally finishes. They get the clue and run for a cab as well.
As they get into their cab, the Frats read that they have to get to the Temple of Heaven Park. The Guidos get into their cab, too. And somehow, some way, as the cabs pull out, the Guidos' driver manages to maneuver them a better spot, and soon we're sitting in dead traffic, with the Guidos up ahead of Kevin and Drew. Damn. Kevin points out that this is what always happens, and I have to agree. "We're done," Drew says. What he doesn't know is that Guido's driver doesn't seem to know where he's going, in particular. He's upset about it, too -- literally smacking himself in the head. Eek. Chill out, Guido Driver. The Frats' driver, on the other hand, seems to know. "This is it," Kevin says. "Taxi race." "Man, I beat him with the food, and I can't believe this," Drew despairs. As Guido struggles to explain the concept of "south gate," Drew and Kevin decide that since they've reached the park and can see the Temple, they're going to gamble on finding the right entrance, and they hop out of the cab. They run toward the park. Joe, it appears, digs the words for "south" and "gate" out of various books and relays them to the Guidos' driver. (Oh, sure. The language skills he's been insufferable about for months would have to actually be relevant for once, at the worst possible moment.) Meanwhile, Kevin and Drew run around inside the park perimeter, looking for the south gate. It appears that the Guidos' driver has figured it out. Inside the park, Drew and Kevin run for it.
And then, just like that, the Guidos are on the mat. Boom. Welcome, Team Guido, you are team number three. They hug and jump up and down. Right now, I hate them. I don't really hate them, of course, but right now? I hate them. "We have been telling each other, remember what Winston Churchill said during the darkest days of World War Two," Joe says, preparing to misquote Winston Churchill while appropriating unto himself the suffering of millions. "'Never give up. Fight to the end. Fight till you die. Just go on, we'll die trying.'" He also cries. Uh, Joe? Winston Churchill never said anything particularly like that, according to anything I've been able to find. He has a very famous "never give in" speech, but not a shred of the rest of what Joe said is in it. And does "fight till you die" really sound like Winston Churchill? ["It sounds like Jerry Bruckheimer, is what it sounds like. Heh." -- Sars] It appears (and I'll certainly correct myself week if I'm wrong) that what Joe meant to say was, "We have been telling each other, remember that Winston Churchill once said something about perseverance."
Frats run up to the mat. "Break us the bad news, Phil," Kevin says. "I'm sorry to tell you, you guys are the last team to arrive," Phil says, and he's unmistakably sad. "That means you guys have been eliminated." I'm not saying Phil doesn't like the Guidos, but who wouldn't be sad breaking this news to Drew and Kevin, for crying out loud? "It was all coming together…and then it's over," Kevin says in frustration. "What're you gonna do? It was a lot of fun." Drew, crouched near the ground, is clearly crying, and would rather not do it for the camera. He wipes his eye. "This has been grueling," Drew voices over. "Physically, mentally, emotionally…we have nothing to feel sorry or ashamed of or nothing to regret. We gave it our all." I'll say. Topping Joe's non-quote, Kevin voices over that he was recently reading about the teachings of Buddha. "'When you speak, just speak, when you feel, just feel, when you see, just see, when you hear just hear,' and then the last one is, 'When you know, just know.' And we can walk away from here knowing that, you know, we did our best and it just didn't work out." These two terrific guys walk away from the camera slowly. "We gotta go get our stuff out of the cab," Drew says sadly. "He's all the way on the other side of China," Kevin offers, in a perfect Frat moment, as he throws an arm around Drew's much higher shoulders. He takes a last swat at Drew's butt, and they're gone.
You know, the teams we're taking into the final three are probably, in one sense, exactly the "right" teams. They've played the most consistently and made the fewest mistakes, and they're even the three teams that picked themselves out all the way back in Songwe Village as the three strongest teams. Indeed, these are probably the teams with the best overall package of skills -- the functioning of the personal relationship, the mental stuff, and the physical power. BUT. I still wanted the Guidos to lose. Because there's no denying that Kevin and Drew have made this show infinitely more pleasant, more palatable, and more human. What could have been another Survivor became, among other things, a pretty reliable comedy, largely because these guys are so damn funny. They've been great to spend time with from New York to Beijing, and even though they're not crossing the finish line, this show could have turned out very differently without them. "Swing, you fat bastard, swing!" "It's…a little tchotchke!" "These are the zebras, chief." "Why did I think it would be an old guy who looked like Ben Franklin?" "Take the elevator to the Coliseum floor!" "I don't see anything but huge, huge, huge spiders!" "He's not happy. Not a happy camel." "Okay, Uncle Junior, I'm ready when you are." "Thank you, wise man." "I feel like Siegfried and Roy." "You're a Big Mac under 260." "Just like Pinky Tuscadero!" What's more, they were excellent players, very capable of pulling something marvelous out of thin air, particularly when it came to befriending the locals and working the airport. They've been great company, and I'm certainly grateful for the nice long run they had.
And another thing? This show is pretty silly in concept, but for what it is, I am the first to admit that it kicks complete and total ass, and this episode was a great example. It was funny, the relationship/personality stuff was interesting without being exploitive or painful, the adventures were goofy and unpredictable, and the last fifteen minutes were so tense that you're just not human if you weren't curled into a ball on your sofa. Say what you will about the entire notion of reality TV, but these people know what they're doing.
Anyway, executive producer? Satan. Oh, no, sorry -- Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Climbing. Boys running in the snow. (Mmmm.) Guido arrogance. Bad hats. Don't miss it.