Previously on Planes, Trains, and Eviscerations: Brennan and Drew glided. Guido, Momily, and Kenny biked. Toto cowered in Bill's straw basket. Frank and Margarita demonstrated that they aren't tied up in petty inter-team politics by using their one and only Fast Forward pass to get away from the people they don't like. India was no France. Emily totally lost it, but then she found it again. Joe attempted to direct crowds like he was conducting Carmina Burana. Brennan, in the glider, unfortunately went all Beavis: "Heh-heh-heh." He did other things, too, but we didn't see any of them. Copenhagen was the Bunching Site of the Week. Rob smiled at Nancy and said, "Hello, Mrs. Cleaver, I am here to see Wallace and Theodore." Nobody had even a little bit of fun in the marketplace in India, but they eventually made it to Agra, no thanks to the Taj Mahal model waving its arms and shouting, "Hey, I am part of the clue!" Karyn yelled. And yelled. And yelled. She and Lenny were eliminated, and she dumped his ass on television. Men all over the world took screen shots of Karyn and filed them in safe deposit boxes to be compared against future dating prospects.
Credits. Music from the upcoming sci-fi/golf film, Zero-Gravity Caddies.
Commercials. Hey, here's a thought: use a digital camera to mack on a girl who French-kisses her dog.
Cameramen, slightly less drunk than usual out of respect, gently careen around the Taj Mahal. With my usual cultural aplomb, I intelligently observe: Dang, it's purty! Phil tells us it's "India's most famous landmark." Phil, Phil, Phil. You know, I actually think you're a weird kind of hot in that geeky, brainy, your-best-friend's-older-brother kind of way, but this is beneath you. It's time to declare free agency and hope that Jeff Probst pulls a hamstring, because only tribal council would use you to your fullest potential. Anyway, the Taj Mahal was built as a tribute to a princess. (It would not take this much to impress me. Pretty much all you have to do to win me over forever is take me to an outdoor baseball game. Or a foreign country. An outdoor baseball game in a foreign country? Don't even joke about that.) Phil gives his favorite speech as The Lovely And Mysterious Man's Hands fondle the props -- he tells us about yellow-and-white flags and clues. Hey, don't you wish it were animated, like the credits from The Nanny? They could have little animated Joe, Bill, Rob, Brennan, Nancy, Emily, Kevin, Drew, Frank, and Margarita following each other in a little conga line? "They're the contestants in red, when everybody else is wearing tan…" Oh, sorry. Just trying to stay awake during the weekly Exposition Mambo. The first task today is to find the route marker, which is somewhere on the grounds of the Taj Mahal. The complex is 42 acres, so they may have to look around a bit. (Believe me, I've looked a long time for my keys in situations where the possibilities aren't nearly as extensive, and it usually involves swearing and vowing that I'll never DRIVE again if I can't DO IT without LOSING my KEYS.)
8:01 PM. Frank and Margarita. Phil explains that they are leaving almost eleven hours ahead of the other teams. This is about how it looked last week, since it was early morning when they got there and darkening or dark when everybody else did. As they read the clue, Danza learns that they have to locate a clue on the grounds of the Taj Mahal, which opens at -- 6:00 AM. Again with the bunching. Boy, that was a short-lived eleven-hour lead. To their credit, Frank and Margarita both chuckle -- they knew this was coming, as did somebody on the forums (damned if I can dig the post up now) who said that the wonderful advantage of leaving at 8:00 at night wasn't likely to add up to a hill of Amazing Beans, depending on the couple of things they had to do. "So it's like a 45-minute lead," Smiling Accepting Frank laughs, in a way that I find (gulp) quite endearing. They also notice that there's no money with the clue today. "That's a problem," Suddenly Impoverished Frank says sadly. One begins to wonder if Ebenezer van Munster is tightening up the finances, because your supply of simoleans certainly hasn't been much of a factor up until now.
Danza makes its way to the Taj Mahal, where they confirm that they can't get in until 6:00 unless they want to defy some scary-ass guards. They head for a hotel, as Margarita voices over that for the first half of the trip, Frank was such an asshole that she had no fun whatsoever. (She doesn't use those words, but that's her point.) Now, he's chilled out a little, and she's thinking he's not such a terrible guy, and that makes it easier for her to compete. (Ah. Be Nice To Me And I Race Better: The Lesson Team Kenny Never Learned.) She's "more in love with him than [she] was before." In fairness, if "before" was during the shoving, it's hard to believe that wouldn't be true. Once they're at the hotel, they get themselves situated on some poolside furniture to "plan [their] strategy." Frank says that Margarita has shown him a lot of "grit and courage," so he's trying to be less obnoxious, dismissive, and insulting toward her. (He doesn't use those words, but that's his point.) They snuggle on a deck chair, as Frank calls her "a great mother" and "a great friend," and says he "love[s] her for what she's become." Noooo! Not Sensitive Loving Frank! I will not be moved, dammit! I am experiencing cognitive dissonance. You know what else? Her head fits in the spot under his jaw, and that? Is key.
At 6:00 AM, they get into the Taj Mahal. She, as usual, is wearing those little…what, Capri pants? I love those. I mean, you need the skinny legs to pull them off the way she does, but they totally work on her. (F-f-f-fashion!)
6:48 AM. Team Guido, wearing little matching safari outfits I don't think we've seen before. Can I just ask how many damn outfits these two guys have? Are they carrying magical reversible backpacks borrowed from another dimension? Are they using alien technology? They have the red fleece jackets. They have the yellow polo shirts. They have red polo shirts. They have white polo shirts. They have these dumb safari jackets. They have white T-shirts with "Team Guido" rectangular logos that look like souvenirs from the zoo. For God's sake, they have that red tarp from last week. They have hats. They have sunglasses. They have shoes. Furthermore, they always look freshly pressed, so who's carrying the iron? Who has the lint roller? Where is the sewing kit? And…hey! Is Bill…is Bill wearing EYELINER? My Lord. Now somebody has to carry cold cream too!
Anyway, Bill says in an interview that this race is taking place "in the real world," and that "real world circumstances will keep [him and Joe] from winning." Real world? Get a grip, Guido. On the other hand, reality does intrude on Guido's previously "All Good Luck, All The Time" existence, as their cab driver has trouble getting their cab started. "Notice how calm we're being," Joe says, proving that there's no such thing as the wrong moment to be self-congratulatory.
Frank and Margarita, cooperating like champs, looking for the clue. I mean, they're bickering a little, too, but it seems a lot more okay than some of the stuff that went on early in the race. Frank: "I just have to trust." I can't take it -- they're trying to break me. Somebody send me some inspirational anti-Frank literature.
6:54 AM. Esquire. Wow, they're only six minutes behind the Guidos? I wonder about time credits, because it looked like it was a lot lighter out when the Guidos got in last week than it was when the boys did. I wonder about those six minutes. Stop and wonder about them with me, won't you? Let's discuss the ins and outs of those six minutes. What's that? You think I'm stalling? Stalling how? Oh, you mean because I don't want to talk about what Esquire's wearing? Yeah, okay, I admit that that's true. Let's just get it over with. They are BOTH wearing the Hating-Hats. Hating-Hat #1? Present. Hating-Hat #2? Same. And I just couldn't hate them any more if they walked up, called me names, and kicked me. (The hats, not the boys.) (Miss Alli's Mom: "I kind of like the hats. They look kind of Australian." Miss Alli: "Whose side are you ON?!" Miss Alli's Mom: "I'm on your side. You're just wrong about the hats.")
Rob voices over that their situation is "precarious," because they're third out of five teams, and they've already used their Fast Forward, so -- aaaaaaaargh! Nooooo! Remember that horrid interview with Rob where his sunglasses are upside down on top of his head? It's freaking BACK. The other part of it was apparently shown out of chronological order, which is just cruel, because I honestly believed that this interview had been consigned to the dustbin of history along with the Muppet shades. No such luck. Oh -- anyway, in content-related, rather than aesthetic, news, Rob goes on in the interview to guess that Esquire won't be in the final round, given the current state of things. Oh, SHUT UP, Rob.
Wherever the cabs to the Taj Mahal are being caught, the boys notice the continuing presence of the Guidos, who are still trying to get their cab to start. "Where the hell's the manager?" Joe asks. He! Is! Furious! He and Bill just decide to walk to the gate (which I think is what Frank and Margarita did in ten minutes, so it's not SO far). Meanwhile, Esquire speeds off in their cab. Yay! And then their cab…goes off in the wrong direction. Boooooo! I'm telling you, it's the Hating-Hats, guys. They're a damn curse.
Danza finds the route marker. Margarita reads it, and it directs them to look for a flag in a window of the Palace of the Winds in Jaipur. The way Margarita slaps the clue, you can see that she's familiar with it. Well -- then she comes right out and says she knows where it is, so…you could probably tell that way, too, if you aren't really perceptive like me. As they leave the Taj Mahal, they start bantering. No! Stop bantering! I love banter! I have no defense against banter! Banter is Miss Alli's Kryptonite! "That was some woman, to make a man build that thing for her," says the Frank Formerly Known As Loud And Pushy. "Would you build that for me, honey?" Margarita says goofily. Frank mimics her, then says, "I got a Lego set that I could do a real good job for you, baby," he says. She does the walk-and-kick, which is always good. "Are you happy you trusted me?" she asks. "Yeah, definitely," he replies. This is a trick. I am NOT rooting for Loud! Pushy! Frank!
Superfluous Phil voices over what was in the clue. Palace of the Winds, Jaipur. Dude, we get it. He does add the information that it's 150 miles away (only half the Standard Taxi Distance), and that they can either take a taxi or a bus. Fast and expensive versus cheap and slow. You know the drill.
Meanwhile, Joe and Bill, classy to the end, try to sneak into the Taj Mahal without paying, but it doesn't work. ("Just try walking in," Bill mutters in his usual conspiratorial tone.) What very petty petty criminals they are. They wind up having to pay. Incidentally, when they get caught, they lie, "We thought it was free." Little snots. Incidentally, not only do they try to get in with a group, they actually push and shove their way THROUGH the group. Ummm, guys? That is not the way to be inconspicuous. Just another team with no future in the CIA.
Esquire's cab driver, like most of Esquire's cab drivers, sucks. He has taken them somewhere to change cabs, once again proving that no cab in India actually goes from where you are to where you want to go, at least if Esquire is in it. Furthermore, now the Hating-Hats are really beginning to work against the SHORTS they're both wearing. (Boys, I'm telling you -- the Hating-Hats require just the right outfit, or they're even worse, and I am not kidding.) Brennan explains that they'd been happy about getting the jump on Guido, and now they're sad about wasting time with The Slowest Cabbie Ever.
Guido at the Taj Mahal. (How much is that the name of an art movie? It would star a Turturro.) Insufferably, agonizingly, horrifyingly, and disgustingly, Joe and Bill explain how they just walked onto the grounds and felt this electric vibration telling them to go walk in a particular direction, and they did, and there was the clue. Look, need I point out that that's complete crap? Either they cheated in some way they don't want to reveal, or they got unbelievably, unthinkably lucky just like they ALWAYS seem to. There are no "vibrations" from an Amazing Race clue. There's nothing THAT "special about Bill and Joe." Nevertheless, they continue to enjoy perpetuating the fiction that there is. "We trust what we pick up electrically," Joe says. God, Joe, don't tempt me with the hair dryer and the bathtub, okay? On their way out, they walk over to the other side to exit so that the team won't see where they're coming from. Ahhh, yes, the Frattouine Maneuver. They've allowed Kevin and Drew to educate them well in the ways of actual cleverness. Too bad that in this case, it accomplishes nothing, because you're supposed to do it when there's ANOTHER TEAM around.
Esquire, in a gratuitous calf-shot, walking in a spot it appears no one else has been walking. Uh-oh. Rob asks the kid accompanying them whether this is the fastest way in. Unsurprisingly, the kid says yes. Rob offers to pay the kid to walk them in and then walk them back out when they're done, and Smart And Non-Silent Brennan makes the suggestion that they pay after, and not before, so they know they're not going to be left hanging. They arrive at the entrance, and do take a moment to notice that it's awfully pretty, and that they should take a good look. What good boys.
Guidos, arguing about money. "How much do we have?" Bill asks. "Well, I don't know, I wasn't expecting to spend 2,000 rupees to come in here!" Joe snits. I'm sorry, but given the way we've seen the Guidos spread the money around on this trip, I certainly don't feel sorry for them. (Paris: "Hey, we can have a glass of champagne!")
Frank and Margarita find that the bus to Jaipur runs every half-hour. (They must be cash-poor, too.) Frank voices over that they hadn't really expected a big lead from the Fast Forward. Good thing, too, because they don't have much of a lead. When we see his interview, he reveals his nice, non-annoying smile that he's suddenly picked up. Stop smiling, Stubbly Yummy Frank.
7:44 AM. Shower-Fresh. Continuing today's theme of Men Dressing Weirdly, Kevin is in a long-sleeved white shirt (and khaki shorts), and Drew is in a black muscle shirt (and khaki shorts). As they pile into a cab, Drew tells us that every team left "is a concern." He goes on, "There are very smart, competitive, tough people left on this trip, and I think that if they don't shoot themselves in the foot, this could be a five-way tie for first place." I have to agree with this, in that four of these teams (Shower-Fresh, Guido, Danza, and Esquire) have played extremely well, and Momily has shown a really interesting ability to pull their own feet out of the fire one way or another (including successfully enlisting the help of others, which is of course its own strategy). I do have to say that the Frats look a little worn around the edges this week. My sense is that the whole poverty-and-little-kids thing took a big toll, particularly on Drew. I think the guy wants out of India.
Guidos, haggling with a cab driver for a trip to the bus station. Once inside, they start fretting over money. "We're screwed," they both say after they count their money. Heeee hee hee! Random Joyful Moment!
Drew and Kevin, also sad about how much it costs to get into the Taj Mahal. Esquire, finding the clue. Have I mentioned that they're wearing hats? Frats, searching. Esquire, getting a cab to Jaipur, where Joe and Bill had to take the bus. This is perhaps the money they chose not to use to tip the cab driver back in the first episode.
Bill and Joe, getting ready to get on the bus. They have, of course, missed the one on which Frank and Margarita (so the editing suggests) are now happily sleeping. Ah, Bill and Joe taking the bus. Now THAT is comedy.
8:15 AM. Momily. (Only a half hour after the Frats, I'd point out. Momily may not have been quite as justified as it seemed like they were last week in assuming that they were obviously eliminated.) Emily, in her Interview Of Loveliness, explains that she didn't think they'd last long (and come on, admit it, you didn't either, and neither did I), but they've "shocked [them]selves," and she wants them to just keep on doing it. For the record, Emily looks like a million bucks in this shot. Cute as a button with her little sunglasses on top of her head. At the Taj Mahal, they get their tickets and enter.
Frats, hunting for the clue. Drew thinks it's inside. Kevin thinks it's outside. The boys are bickering, with perhaps slightly more edge than usual, though it's hard to tell. Drew briefly breaks a rule (mentioned in the clue) that there is absolutely no running on the Taj Mahal grounds. He's really just trotting, but still, Drew? Quit it. It says "no running," so don't run. They spot Momily, and Drew says, "Dammit." Drew is definitely not his customary low-key self. At last, they find the clue. As they walk away with it, Kevin says uncertainly, "There's Nancy and Emily." "Don't tell them where it is. We can't," Drew says flatly, putting their route marker in the back of his waistband. "We can't." I know this probably didn't go over well with a lot of folks, but quite frankly, it was bound to come to this, and I'm sure Momily knew it. At some point, you have to face the fact that everybody else has to lose in order for you to win, and that's what I think just happened. Sad, but true. Doesn't mean they don't love Momily. In fact, I'd say the grumpiness of that exchange gives you an idea of how much they love Momily.
Nancy and Emily spot the clue. "Ooh, last one," Em says with a rueful smile as she pulls it from the box, and Nancy smiles and shakes her head a little. I have to say, considering what a rough go they're having, it's interesting and admirable to me that they are so clearly getting along better and better as they go. They deserve a lot of admiration from people like me who originally declared them out of their minds for doing something so obviously destined to make them hate each other. (One of my friends had a hilarious story about a vacation with his mother where she accidentally fell off the little touristy-boat they were on together…she was fine, but it created tension when they got home and she told his brothers he tried to drown her.)
Kevin and Drew, getting a cab. Drew says, "Get the route marker out." Kevin: "You have it." Drew: "I don't have the route marker." Kevin: "Come on, Drew." Drew looks for it, but he can't find it. They haven't memorized it. Theoretically, this would mean that they don't know where they're going. "I don't have it," Drew insists. "I don't have it."
Commercials. Buy Purina One, because your puppy is fat.
Esquire, zooming toward Jaipur. Brennan, in a very amusingly kicky tone: "We're on the road right now…. It's been another fun and hairy ride along the streets of India." Cut to Rob going, "Whoa," really only a little differently than Joey Lawrence. You can tell he barely restrained himself there from saying, "Whoa! That was so cool!" as they cheated death.
Joe and Bill bitchety-bitch that they're poor because they "wasted" money getting into the Taj Mahal "just to find the piece of paper that we're going to Jaipur." Joe? It's a race, goof! Getting places to get clues is part of it. And you only "wasted" money in that you DIDN'T RIP OFF THE TAJ MAHAL, you creeps. You're practically broke, but it's largely your own fault, so quit your whining.
Kevin finds the route marker in the back of Drew's shorts. "You're so dumb," Kevin says, and again, the repartee seems a little more pointed than usual. I think everybody needs a nap.
Emily and Nancy's cab fuels up. to it, a cow lines up for a shot of unleaded.
In the Frat cab, they comment on the general atmospheric smell, which Drew characterizes as "a never-ending smell" that's "worse than smoking twenty cigars at one time." We see a lot of folks on bikes, but also a lot of cows. "Time to break out the heavy artillery," Drew comments as he and Kevin tie their frat bandannas around their faces, Jesse-James-style. (As Lenny did last week, right before he puked his guts out.) "I hope they don't think we're gonna hold up a bank or anything around here," Drew says. They almost have a catastrophic car accident. But they don't. Drew smacks his forehead. "Oooooh, that was close." Drew: The Master Of Inadvertent Physical Comedy.
Hooooooooonk. Momily in their cab. Hoooooooooonk. Honkety-honkety-honkety-hoooooooonk. "Of course we get the driver who cannot take his hand off the horn," Em tells us in an interview. "Can you imagine riding in a guy's cab honking twenty-nine times a minute? If there's a cow in the road, or there's a little kid on a bike, I totally understand -- honk your horn. But there was no one even coming, and he would still honk, like -- maybe it's a status symbol or something, like, 'Look at me, I have a horn, da da da!'" Hey, that's exactly how I drive! In order to really understand the bang-up job she does telling this story, you'd have to see Emily's "look at me, I have a horn" face at the end. Hee! Emily brings the funny. And you can completely tell that she's cracking the camera person or the sound person up, because she has that hey-I'm-being-funny-and-it's-working moment of realization late in this speech, which is also adorable. One point for Emily, The Funny Girl.
Frat cab. "FYI," Drew says, "I heard Bill and Joe through the wall, saying that they have no competition in this race." Now, obviously we have NO way of knowing whether that's true or not. But if that's at all true, then that's very (1) rude; and more importantly (2) unwise thinking on the part of the Guidos.
Speaking of those Guidos, let's cut to them, shall we? Bill: "We're the only team that has been in the top tier the whole game. Everyone else that we're with right now has been way low and now they've worked their way back up into the top tier." They finish off with this gem: "We've always been one, two, or four." Well, those are the magical rankings, after all. Let's analyze this statement for a moment. I don't deny that Bill and Joe's finishing record is better than anyone else's. But it's also true that everyone else has had at least one crappy hit of luck, and they haven't. Furthermore, if you saw Duke beat UNLV in the Final Four in 1991 (and I hope you did, because it was one of the world's great miracles), you know that going all season without being seriously challenged is not necessarily a good thing when it comes down to the end. I don't know who won, and I think it's perfectly fair for Bill and Joe to call themselves the favorites at this point. But there's not a line separating them from the other teams. It's a matter of degree. Win or lose, there's no Guido mystique. Got it? Sheesh.
Frat cab, driving through a fair amount of dirt and dust and (presumably) smell. "Nice country, huh? And you wonder why our nation's slogan is 'God Bless America.'" Hey, Drew? Careful, there. To the degree you're being grateful, that's okay. To the degree you're being contemptuous? Not so much.
Guido, looking for the Palace of the Winds from the bus. Hee! Guidos on the bus go round and round, aaaaaaall throooooough the town!
Esquire cab, Palace of the Winds. Hey! They're first! As they make their way up the steps, I definitely do not steal any surreptitious glances at Rob's back, which is on prominent display this week along with the Tokyo Stompers. They find the Detour. The choices seem boring this week -- ride an elephant up a hill to find a holy man, or ride a rowboat to find a different holy man. Well, okay, riding an elephant itself might be kind of fun, but it's not much to look at. And a rowboat? Please. Anyway, based on their outside reading (mmmm, boys who read), Esquire decides to go for the elephant.
Bus riders departing for the Palace. Danza, then Guido. Danza finds the clue, and heads for the rowboat option. Cut to Guido, running up to the Palace (or so it appears). "If people don't know where the entrance is, this could be difficult," Bill snots, hoping as usual that, contrary to all information, everyone here is an idiot except for him. "Yeah, but they probably DO," Joe says, just unbelievably petulantly. "I'm not underestimating these SOBs at all," he continues. Well -- yeah, Joe, you are. But you probably know it's a mistake, deep in your heart of hearts. Guido finds the clue, and also opts for the rowboat. The bus to the rowboat almost leaves without Bill. Heh. That would've been funny.
Frats, Jaipur. "Let's take the boat," Drew says as they fetch the clue. "You and I can row fast, right?" Kevin agrees. "It's like India in here, it's [so] hot!" Drew yells. Heh. Kevin laughs. Momily arrives. Nancy voices over that "one of the things Emily and [Nancy] really wanted to do was ride an elephant, so it's like, 'Hey, what the heck, we're in last place. By George, I'm gonna ride that elephant.'" And that's cool.
Frat cab. "An elephant ride takes a long time," Drew says. "The boat's gonna have to be faster." Kevin: "I bet those elephants smell like elephants." Bwah! Totally the quote of the week.
Amber Fort (home of the elephant ride). Esquire boards the elephant. Brennan, who really hates me, is still wearing the Hating-Hat. That's it! It's not that I hate the hats that makes them the Hating-Hats! It's that they wear them because they hate me! Anyway, Rob, on the other hand, has shed the Hating-Hat in favor of The Marvelous Magical Shoulder-Showing Shirt Of Salivation Inducement (MMSSSSI -- please pronounce that "mmmm, sigh"). The elephant, incidentally, is wearing a lovely red-and-blue ensemble and a hat of his own, which would actually look better on Brennan than the Hating-Hat. The boys say "Hyaa!" which doesn't induce Ernie The Elephant Of Ennui to go any faster. Rob: "This is the slow boat to China, dude, I'll tell you that much." Ernie: "Shut up, lawyers! I'm going as fast as I can! I'm an elephant! You want speed, ride a camel! Ha ha, just kidding! Wildlife humor!"
Water Palace. Frank and Margarita arrive. They climb in, and here we learn that the teams don't row themselves, so the Frats' theory that they can row fast isn't going to come in so handy after all. Frank helps Margarita into the boat (stop confusing me, Courteous Chivalrous Frank), and they're off. "Let's go see the wise man," Frank says. Rowing ensues. Meanwhile, Esquire de-elephants. Beauty shot of Rob's back, barely wearing the MMSSSSI at all. Not that I was peeking. He's asking if there's a wise man anywhere around, and nobody knows. Danza runs up the steps at the Water Palace, and they find the Rowboat Holy Man. Frank grabs the clue. Esquire climbs the stairs to meet Elephant Ride Holy Man. They kinda look like they don't know if they're supposed to bow, or shake hands, or what, but they successfully retrieve the clue, and thank the wise man profusely. Rob, incidentally, has a strip of tape on the MMSSSSI, which I am quite sure is covering up the MBTV logo on his chest. The clue tells them that they're on the way to the Karni Mata Temple in Deshnoke. Phil voices over that at this particular temple, they consider rats to be sacred. To get there? It's 200 miles on a train to Bikaner. Only two trains a day -- miss the first, wait six hours for the second. Pseudo-bunching. Dividing-line bunching. Discrete bunching, if you took way too much math in college.
Danza opens the clue and is also off to the train. Frank, I should mention, is wearing a red scarf on his head. Not so good, but it beats the Hating-Hat. Of course, so would a propeller beanie.
Guido, getting off the bus at the Water Palace (no money for a taxi -- boo hoo, Team Guido!). Joe moms at Bill to "watch the traffic! Watch the traffic!" Frats arrive not long after. Bill and Joe, believe it or not, manage to back-seat drive in a damn rowboat, and that ain't easy to do. ("Do you know where you're going? Over by the steps? The near one?") Once they arrive, they get out of the boat, and Bill says, "What you want to do is, keep your weight low, Joe, when you're getting out…" Joe: "Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah, tell me that some other time when we have our own boat." Hee. Guido-fight! They fetch the clue from Rowboat Holy Man.
Frats, getting in the boat. Drew: "You know the Staten Island Ferry is cheaper than this boat?" Uh, Drew? Objection, irrelevant. They meet the Guidos coming the other way. "How was the wise man?" Kevin asks. "Is the wise man over there, I guess?" Drew says. "Wise man's there," Joe says, with the fakiest fake smile you've ever seen in your entire life, and I am not kidding. After they pass, Joe mutters, "This is the story of our lives. Ahead of these people, but not very much." Whatever, Guido.
Momily gets on the elephant. Em wonders what the wise man will look like, and Nancy says they'll find out.
The Guidos are trying to get to the train station. They have to take a bus, of course, because they're flat broke. Poor Guidos. Literally. I'd be sad for them, if I could really think about it over the sound of myself laughing.
Frats at the Water Palace, running up the stairs. They find the wise man. "Hello!" Kevin says cheerily. Drew: "Hello, wise man." Kevin (getting the clue): "Thank you very much." Drew: "Thank you, wise man." Boy, it's "chief" all over again, and I feel the love for Drew just like I did then. What a lovable damn kook. I'll tell you a brief story in the interests of making it all about me -- when I was admitted to the bar, I had to get five character references. THREE of the people I asked -- independently of each other -- in telling me that they'd be happy to do it, said, "I'll tell them you're a character." Har! Har! Don't you love it? Don't I obviously know no one but goofballs? How would you feel if THREE out of FIVE people you asked to perform that function responded that way? Anyway, if Drew ever needs a character reference, I'll be the first to say it: he is a character.
Frats, running down the stairs. "I'm tellin' you, he's wise because he's been around forever, that guy," Kevin observes. "He's, like, three days older than kerosene, that guy," Drew Drews. Down at the cab, Drew tries to explain where they need to go. "Jaipur railway station," he says, "choo-choo train?" Now Drew, what is the likelihood that your Indian cab driver doesn't know "train" but knows "choo-choo"? Do you think he doesn't speak standard English, but might speak Romper Room? They get in the cab. "Let me tell you," Kevin says, "this guy is better than the guy who drove Miss Daisy." Hee! Marry me, Kevin. Seriously. I'm willing to relocate. In the cab, he observes that they've picked up time on the Guidos.
Speaking of the Guidos, here they are on the bus to the train station (ha, ha, ha!). Don't you wish Discount Joe had been a little more frugal? Haaaaa ha ha. Ahem. Sorry. On the bus, Guido asks someone whether another bus is faster, or whether taking scooters would be faster. They're told to change to the other bus, which is sad, because I would certainly have loved a Guido scooter-shot along here. Bill notices the Frats passing them, and he goes into one of his high-espionage wig-outs and says, "Don't look, don't look, don't look!" Like they won't pass you if you don't look directly at them? Could you be any more obsessed with your own level of cool? Bill goes on to say, "They're passing us riiiiiight…there." What a weirdo.
In their cab, the Frats give the cabbie the big thumbs-up, and America agrees.
On the bus, Joe snots, "We don't know what the hell's going on anymore." I'll tell you what the hell's going on, Joe. You're getting outplayed but good.
The Frats speculate that Momily may be a little behind, and here we are with Momily at the Elephant Ride Holy Man. "Are you him?" Emily asks. He is him, and they get their clue.
Jaipur Junction, the train station. (That's cute -- Jaipur Junction. Sounds like a 1950s TV show.) Esquire is asking for train tickets, and I'm sorry, but if you aren't staring at Rob's monstrous shoulder sticking out of the MMSSSSI in this shot, you have no eyeballs. And it's a good thing that the shoulder is there to distract you, because he's Wearing! The Hating! Hat! Esquire, where is the love? The Bikaner train is at 3:00, and the boys hop on. This is as good a time as any for me to satisfy my obligation to leg-girls everywhere by pointing out that if you are a calf person (I personally am not), you can also enjoy Esquire calves along here. I'm just saying.
Frank and Margarita get to the train station as well. She's getting seriously mobbed by some little kids asking for money. She has trouble pushing them aside, and after backsliding slightly with a not-so-helpful "Get moving," Frank actually tells her probably the best thing he can, which is to say excuse me and keep walking.
Rob, walking the length of the train, looking for other teams. Me, in my living room: "Oh, eeew, Rob, don't do that! That's so Guido!" Rob, trying to worm his way back into my heart, explains, "I'm walking the train to see if any other teams made the three o'clock train…the problem in times like this is how nervous you feel, 'cause you're in a foreign land, you don't know the train systems, and there's at least a certain comfort when you see another team at the train, because you know you made the right choice or there's another team here to back up your decision. But when you're on your own, you're on the train by yourself, and that's good, because you may have gotten out ahead, but it's bad because maybe you're on the wrong damn train." Me, in my living room, reluctantly: "Oh. Well, that's okay then." What can I say? I'm a sucker for blatant insecurity. Rob, incidentally, what with the contrast of the MMSSSSI and the Hating-Hat, is going to crack my head open, the way you crack your tooth enamel if you drink hot chocolate and then chew ice cubes.
Frats, train station. Drew, to the little kids: "We don't have anything. I wish I could help you, but we don't have anything." I think Drew really hates this.
Danza gets on the train, and as they do, Margarita spots Rob and Brennan. Danza is sad -- they wanted to be on this train alone. Brennan asks them whether they've seen anybody else, and Danza says they haven't. "We think we gave Joe and Bill the shake," Rob says, starting to suck down what looks like a giant bottle of Coke and being as cool as the other side of the pillow just for using the expression "gave Joe and Bill the shake." I'll be rewinding that one over and over.
Bill and Joe, having been given the shake, at least for the moment. Bill says that they need an auto-rickshaw because the bus is too slow. Yeah, go figure. Apparently, they're not totally broke. They get off the bus and go for a rickshaw. They negotiate and climb on board. Momily, meanwhile, negotiates their ride as well.
At the station, the Frats buy their tickets for the train, which apparently is about to leave. They run for it. As they board the train, Rob says, "Thirty seconds to spare, you mooks." Hee! Feel the EsquireFrat vibe. That's my favorite. Rob asks them whether they've seen Bill and Joe.
Speaking of whom, there are Bill and Joe now, inside, not on the train. And the train is moving. And they're not on it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Bill and Joe missed! The! Train! In my house, I spontaneously invent The Guido Train-Missing Booty Dance, which I videotape and stream across the Internet in order to make it an instant national fad. You should do it to "I Can't Get To You," if at all possible, because that's the best song of all time for a Booty Dance of any kind. Joe tries to see whether the train might still be here, but it's not. "We just missed it," Bill despairs. You know, honestly, the Guidos should be glad this happened. It could be the best thing that ever happened to them if they get off their complacent asses and stop pretending that they're not competing with anyone except themselves, and start treating this like the close, stressful, don't-make-a-mistake contest that it's turning out to be. We've pretty much weeded out the people who you ever could have afforded to take for granted, Guido, so time to hit the pavement if you want to be in the race. This good advice to Guido is brought to you by The Coalition To Be As Objective As Possible.
Commercials. Get a VW, and become involved in insurance scams.
Train station. Guidos, getting their tickets for the train that doesn't leave for six hours. Hee. Bill says the worst-case scenario is that there are two teams ahead of them. Oh, BURN! Phil explains that once they make it to Bikaner on the train, teams will have to get to the temple of rats, where they'll have to walk through the rats to get the clue. Theme of this segment? Oh, it's rats. Did you notice? Loud Pushy Frank tells the other teams on the train that something he's reading has the skinny on the temple, and he fills them in on the rodent situation. "I ain't goin'," Drew says immediately, half-through the bandanna around his face. "I ain't goin'." Drew goes on to tell a story about stepping on a tire in New York and being swarmed with rats. Rob protests that Drew's past bad experiences were with rats who "aren't sacred rats. No problem." Margarita: "They aren't sacred, religious rats." Drew: "A rat is a rat is a rat!" Have I mentioned that one of the reasons it's a funny Esquire week is that now Rob is combining the MMSSSSI, a bandanna around his neck, and the BLUE MUPPET-BAND SUNGLASSES? I am SO going to sic Joan Rivers on him. (The fact that he still looks cute because he's smiling for once is perhaps the cruelest irony of all, so I'm choosing to ignore it. I have plenty to make my head hurt.)
As they yak about the rats, Margarita utters the words "Joe and Bill." This sets off universal and immediate hilarity as the other teams ponder the image of the Guidos running through a roomful of rats. Margarita is laughing hysterically, Frank is laughing hysterically, Rob is laughing hysterically, and Brennan is doing a kind of "Eeeeeee!" Guido-impression which, while not so precise in the sense that I think the Guidos would be APPALLED rather than terrified, still made me laugh. What can I say? I don't think he's picking on them because they're gay. I think he's picking on them because they're prissy, and not all gay men are prissy, and not all prissy men are gay, but prissy men are prissy men, and a world in which you can't mock prissy men (or prissy women, for that matter) is a world not worth living in. End of lecture. Furthermore, how cool is it to see these three teams hanging out together? I'm all for hatchet-burying.
"You can do it?" Frank asks, in reference to the rats. "That's my girl! All right!" They low-five, and you know what? I give. I still don't like the shoving, but I give. There's no Frank love, but I declare my…neutrality.
Rob: "Hey, Drew? Are you loving India, or what?" He's kind of making fun of Drew, but he's also kind of checking in, because Drew looks like hell. This is where, if it was women, one would actually go sit down by the other one and say, "Oh, sweetie, are you okay? You look so sad." But Rob just says, "Are you loving India, or what?" Same difference. Drew can't even laugh. Awww, Drew.
Momily, getting to the train station, dodging pleas for money. Emily explains that she's "totally out of [her] element," and is "exposed to things [she's] never even dreamed of, much less been around." She admits that she's off-balance. Inside, Momily buys tickets. Uhhh, Momily buys tickets? HEY! Momily is trying to buy tickets! Turns out it's hard to buy train tickets in India as a woman. Nancy voices over that it took them an hour and a half to buy tickets. Sheesh. Good thing the train wasn't leaving anytime soon. Emily aptly declares the situation "ridiculous." The scene boarding the train is pretty tense, what with the guards with sticks and everything, and Nancy agrees with me that it was "unnerving." As they prepare for boarding, Momily runs into the Guidos. Guidos and Momily hug, but BOY is that IT. BOY is there no Guidanomaly (tm Quotable Rob) cooperation to be had. I'm not sure why Bill and Joe look so unhappy to see them -- did they think Momily was THAT far behind, that they wouldn't make this train either? Heads out of the sand, Guidos! In a particularly amusing moment, Nancy says, "This is creepy for women," and Bill responds, "I know it is." Uhhhh…you do?
Best Train Sequence Ever. Drew is playing cards with some of the locals, having fun for what looks like the first time all day. The people he's playing with are having some fun, too. Rob, in a speech I'm going to give you all of, because it kicked ass: "The experience is life-altering in the sense of having seen the world in a way I never would have seen it otherwise, having been put into these cultures where you're not a tourist sitting in a hotel, but where you have to interact with the cultures, and I am so humbled by that experience." Rob talks to an older gentleman on the train about the fact that he's on his way to Deshnoke. Drew plays cards some more, and everybody loves him. (Well, of course they do. It's Drew.) Rob bids his new best friend goodnight.
Momily and Guido, boarding the train. They look for their beds. Nancy finds her bed totally disgusting -- "Oh, it's filthy! Oh, gross! …I think somebody was sick up here," she speculates unhappily. Eeew! "This is an all-time low," she says with a sort of good-natured grumpiness as she crawls into bed. Cut to Bill and Joe, sleeping neatly on their backs in matching inflatable neck-pillows, bandannas, and sleep masks. If you have any questions about why the other teams thought the idea of them running through a temple full of rats was funny, get a load of this shot. Furthermore, where the HELL are they getting all this stuff? They have pillows? They have sleep masks? What is this, a James Bond movie? Are the pillows in their watches?
The three o'clock train arrives. Rob gets off first, and he looks -- well, like hell, actually. He's changed clothes (dang) and he's taken his unhappy pills, and the hair? Dreadful. It might be, like, post-sponge-bath or something, I suppose. (Down, Highwaygirl!) The cab-finding at the train station is a bit harrowing, and as usual, the Esquire antennae go up and manage to locate the world's worst cab driver. You know what? It's the New York cabbie they didn't tip! He put some kind of a whammy on them. Their taxi karma has been just horrendous, and that must be why. Just another reason not to buck the system. "We're a little winded ["winded"?], we're on the road to Deshnoke from Bikaner," Rob gripes, uncharacteristically bitterly. The three teams arrive at Deshnoke at the same time, and head for the temple. It's got an awful lot of lights on it for a temple, it occurs to me, because if it were in Vegas, it would be a casino. I'm just saying. That's from the outside. The inside, with the religious gravity and the rats? Not so much. A looooong line of people is waiting to see these rats, even though (or perhaps because?) it's night. Maybe it's a temple you're supposed to visit in the dark. ["I used to have a pet rat, and if I recall correctly, rats are nocturnal. That's the only reason I can think of." -- Sars]
Everybody opens the clue. Shoes off, socks on, crawl through the rats, grab the clue. Doesn't sound so hard, does it? The task is taken by Miss Margarita (who looks marvelous, incidentally, in the red scarf she's wearing on her head), Kevin, and Brennan. They line up at the door, with Margarita a little ahead of Brennan and Kevin, who are together. (And I have to say, it was nice to see these teams at least be civil and nice to each other, because Danza was getting really peevish last week. We'll just call it Fratzaesque, which SO sounds like the newest special at Little Caesar's.)
Commercials. Hey, eat pizza! What a coincidence!
Midnight Train To Bikaner. (Woo-woo!) Everybody's sleeping.
Inside, there are lots of rats. Like, lots and lots of rats. And if you thought religious rats would look different than other rats -- maybe they'd have little hats on, or they'd wear little gold shoes or something? Think again. Think "rats." Margarita, in a speech I'm also going to give you all of, because it too kicks ass, for what are actually some similar reasons to Rob's speech above: "You look down and there's hundreds of rats crawling everywhere. In New York, they try to get rid of them, and these people, they're honoring them. And then you feel really bad, because you want to be respectful, because they're so unafraid and they're so happy to be there. And you stick out like a sore thumb, because you're terrified and you look like an idiot, you look disrespectful, so you try to keep it together." That was very cool. She completely kicked butt. She has trouble only with the last few steps, getting down into the sand pit where the clue actually is. A boy comes along and leads her, which for whatever reason really helps. Brennan and Kevin catch up with her, which turns out to work well, because she takes the lid off the canister where the clues are, and Brennan takes out all three, which he distributes to the three teams. See? Civility. That wasn't so hard. The clue just says to get to the pit stop at a hotel in Bikaner. End of the leg -- whew! Another tough one, I'd say. As they exit the temple, Margarita calls it "the roadblock of all roadblocks." Of course, she didn't do the sewer.
Outside, the teams reunite. "Did they crawl on you?" Drew asks. Kevin says, "Only at the end." Me: "Ick. Eee." Kevin says, "There was food all over, and a lot of rat poo." ["Sars: 'Hee. "Poo."'" -- Sars] As the teams head for cabs, Drew notes, "First one to the hotel's in first place." This is true, of course, but "first place" in this case isn't exactly what it usually is. After all, they're all bunched, and unless the cab ride is long, they're not going to unbunch by much. Esquire, of course, can't find their cab driver, because he is off communicating by ESP with the cabbie back in New York who they didn't tip. "Don't take them anywhere," Untipped Cabbie is saying silently. Danza and the Frats get on the road, but Esquire is still stalled out, driverless. "Our cab driver can't stay awake, and he's getting some tea," Brennan says in disgust. "He's wide awake right now, smiling as he walks away from us," Rob grumps. Rob needs a hug. They finally get going, but we then get a shot of them in their cab that is arguably the worst, unhappiest, most unappetizing shot we've had of any team from the beginning. Brennan actually just looks beat, except that of course he's still wearing the Hating-Hat, so I'm still mad at him. Rob, on the other hand, has the world's most raging case of either hat-head (which would be weird, since he didn't appear to be hatted recently) or bed-head (which would be weird, since lack of sleep seems to be exactly the problem) or anger-head (which I've never heard of until now, but seems to be the right answer). He's also rubbing his eyes like a psycho. Poor Rob.
Frats, arriving at the pit stop. "I think some contestants might have took us for, like, the bungling crooks in a movie, like the gang that couldn't shoot straight. Let them think we're non-contenders, but we know in our heart of hearts and in our minds that we are a force to be reckoned with." Welcome, Team Shower-Fresh Scent, you are team number one. "Totally a force to be reckoned with," Drew repeats.
Danza, arriving. Welcome, Team Danza, you are team number two.
Literally within a minute or so, here's the boys. Welcome, Team Esquire, you are team number three. They still look like hell, and they still look like they're going to hurt somebody. Rob is having none of the cheer of being practically tied for first place, none of the happy smiles from the greeter, and none of anything else happy, either. He's got the Tokyo Stompers crossed over his chest, and that matted hair is kind of making him look creepy. Sheesh, Rob! Brennan takes responsibility for politely saying hello to the greeter, because Rob? Is too mad. In an interview in which he, oddly enough, looks totally adorable, he says, "We arrived just beat, pissed off and angry…the game, it just beats you down, when you think you see an opening, and it just slams shut and there's nothing you can do about it." Beat, pissed off, and angry? "Beat" I get, but I'm thinking I missed how we got to "pissed off and angry." Back to the pit stop, where he grabs up his pack with anger that frankly goes way beyond gum. I think there's only one thing to say, and that one thing is, "Hmmmm." This is kind of a new thing for Rob, this level of being completely and obviously Esquirate (tm…well, Quotable Rob, actually).
Morning train to Bikaner. Nancy: "I never realized how being dirty affects how you feel." Emily applies make-up (I believe). Bill, as he and Joe wipe themselves with towelettes (or the same towelette, actually -- eeeeeewwww!): "Being fresh makes us feel good. We want to just feel like every day is like the first day of the race." And they feel that way because of the towelettes, I guess. Oh, my goodness. If you need ANOTHER reason why the Guido/rat joking was okay, try that on for size. If you knew guys who talked like that and always looked freshly pressed, and you knew they were facing a building full of rats, you'd laugh hysterically also.
Everybody off the train. They grab taxis. "As quickly as possible without speeding," Nancy says to her driver, and suddenly I have a thought. (I have no info on this, honestly, I'm purely speculating.) We've now seen (1) Esquire in episode one, clearly pissed off about Frank and Margarita zooming past them, for reasons that seemed completely mysterious; (2) Bill telling Joe not only that he was going too fast, but specifically NOT to speed; and (3) Nancy saying, "Quickly as possible without speeding." My conclusion? Had to be a rule. Had to be a rule that you couldn't speed, or ask your cab driver to speed. Not only would that explain all these weird instances, but it would make a TON of sense. You can't have teams encouraging their drivers to go nine hundred miles an hour down the streets of India. There have been times when some very fast driving seems to have occurred, but to me it has the stink of a rule. If it isn't a rule, then it must have been a strategy that speeding would only cause you to get pulled over, so in the end, it wasn't smart. But my guess? Some kind of a rule.
Or else I'm a dope.
Joe and Bill at the temple, apparently unfazed by the rat clue. Bill takes it on. Here comes Momily, and Em's doing the rats. The temple seems to be far, far less crowded than it was last night, and I'd also say the rats appear to be having breakfast and aren't running around at ALL the way they were last night. Bill and Emily have a much easier time of it, with far, far fewer rats, and neither of them seems at all bothered, actually. (These are apparently party-at-night, sleep-during-the-day rats, because there's literally one rat visible when they take the clue. There were a zillion when Fratzaesque did it.)
Rush for cabs. Rush through the streets. Rush to the pit stop. Joe and Bill land on the mat, after Bill humorously and completely unnecessarily jumps the ribbon defining the little path up to the mat. (I gotta hand it to Bill…he looks to be in pretty good shape for a Guido.) Welcome, Team Guido, you are team number four. That would be SECOND TO LAST, in case you're wondering. Ha! But hey…what about Momily?
Here they come, tromping up to the mat at last. Welcome, Momily, Phil tells them. You are team number five. BUT! You are not eliminated. It's non-elimination time, kids, so we get to keep Momily for another week. Awww. Yay! They tell Phil that they're happy they weren't eliminated, but they sure would've liked to beat those Guidos.
Now we get a very interesting Emily interview snippet. "I don't know if [Nancy's] going to be ready to be as conniving as I'm prepared to be. And I hate to have to get like that, but if it's getting like that or getting eliminated -- which one am I going to choose? You know, seriously. I think she'll be fine, I mean it may take some getting used to, but in that case, I'm going to have her step aside and let me do the dirty work. It's going to get a little bumpy, I think." Here, Emily does a Meg Ryan nose wrinkle. You know, I think Emily has already been perhaps more clever than she's given credit for. I'm not sure it's a complete mystery to her that if she's adorable and cute enough, young men will come along and want to adopt and help her. If so? More power to her.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: My ears bleed. Oh, that's the Country Music Awards. Well, the FOLLOWING week: Momily and Guido fight it out for the Fast Forward. Mistakes are made, and something surprising happens, although as usual, I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is from the previews. They want me to think that of the four boys I love in this race, I might lose two. I refuse to think about it.