It's fairly unusual to meet anyone in person as a result of anything you write for the web. That's just the way it is. Generally, you stay on your side of the monitor; they stay on theirs. Recently, though, I got a lovely and friendly email from this guy who told me that he really was getting a kick out of the recaps, and that he and his family -- big Amazing Race fans, all -- were having an Amazing-Race-watching party. He'd noticed enough geographical references in the recaps to know that I was reasonably nearby, so he thought he'd invite me to the party. Pretty cool, huh?
I couldn't, of course, just show up at some house without a better idea than that of exactly what I was dealing with, so I arranged to meet him for coffee Wednesday morning before the show aired that night. That way, if he turned out to be, you know, totally creepy or anything, I'd be in a well-lit, public place where there would be plenty of people around to hear me scream. So we met, we had coffee, and he was obviously pretty much who he said he was, so all was well. Armed with this information, I did, in fact, attend the party. When I got there, he greeted me again, shook my hand, and almost immediately said, "Oh, c'mon, I have to get you on the phone with Brennan. He's complaining because he didn't get to say hi to you."
Did I forget to mention it was Rob? Well, it was. So I watched this episode at Rob's house. Rob's mom's house, actually. (Thanks, Rob's mom!)
Okay, Point The First -- this is what you need to know above all else. I have NOTHING to pass along regarding who wins, what other cities they're going to visit, or ANYTHING having to do with anything that hasn't aired yet, so Do! Not! Ask! Me! I am here to tell you, I have no idea what pinchy-faced CBS lawyer put the claws into these people regarding the importance of obeying their confidentiality agreements, but whoever it is should stop wasting his or her time being a pinchy-faced CBS lawyer and go to work as a Mafia enforcer, because he or she is apparently extremely scary. Esquire gave up NOTHING of that sort, and I am serious. Didn't tell me whether they won, didn't tell me whether they were happy about who won, didn't tell me where they went…damn you, CBS legal department! Furthermore, I can honestly tell you (honestly, honestly, honestly) that nothing that occurred gave me the slightest inkling about anything that's to come. You can hate me for being so unobservant, but I picked up no hints. Thus, all I can really offer you are some general impressions I was able to glean on a personal (rather than journalistic) level, along with a very few occasional moments of what we'll just call Quotable Rob (and, from the telephone chat, Quotable Brennan). At a later date, once there aren't as many pressing confidentiality concerns, we hope to present Team Esquire: The MBTV Interview, at which point more dish may be available. But you'll have to wait and see whether we can actually make that happen.
Point The Second -- all right, for God's sake, let's just get this part out of the way now, for those of you who are actually shallow enough to care. In person, Rob turns out to be five-two, scruffy, balding, skinny, scowling, and covered with scales. (The magic of TV…go figure.) The boy? Honestly should be wearing a bag over his head. It's that bad. He is also not witty, not smart, not gracious OR charming, and certainly not capable of causing girly palpitations in a model of modern cynicism such as myself. To be honest, we didn't get along at all. Found nothing to talk about. I mean, coffee was at 10:00, and I was at work by, like, 12:30, so as you can tell, it sucked rocks. Any other stories you hear are dirty lies. Quite frankly, it's a good thing, too, because if I had to show up here and say something like "Rob is an extremely good guy, almost as much as he is a hot tamale," it might prevent me from being able to make fun of Esquire anymore. Plus, it would get used as the pull quote over there on the right side of the page, so we can all be glad it didn't happen that way.
On with the show.
Previously on Upchuck, Outplay, Outlast: Camels were depressed, and they showed it. The Guidos were pains in my behind. Amie was sick as all-get-out. Driving around in the Sahara Desert with no idea where you're going didn't turn out to be as much fun as it sounded like it would be. Guido bickered, as did Momily, Danza, and just about everybody else, at one time or another. Team Cockroach got really lost. No, REALLY lost. Like, send-out-a-search-party lost. Once they were found, they were eliminated, proving that even Cockroaches don't actually live forever. (And just as they were beginning to grow on me, too.) Insert your own "once was lost, now am found" Amazing Race joke here.
Credits. Music from the upcoming film, Cutthroat Ping-Pong. (Q-Rob, on the credits: "I love how we're practicing law in our apartment. And there's me, saying, 'Why, thank you, Brennan, for pointing that out in this book, that's very interesting!'")
Even more vomit-inducing camera work than usual greets us as we come up on this week's episode. Phil reminds us that we last left the contestants at an oasis in the Sahara desert, and then he sings the Same Old Song about rules and flags that he sings every week. He explains that while the teams were at the oasis, they heard that a sandstorm was approaching, and that it might be a good idea to haul ass before everybody got swept away like the cast of Dorothy and Toto of Arabia. They were evacuated to another town, and now they're being let go again as they would have been at the oasis.
2:24 AM (sheesh, brutal timing!). Kevin and Drew open the clue, which tells them to go to the Palace Hotel in Tunis. How far? Three hundred miles (there's that Standard Taxi Distance again). First task is to find a cab, and there aren't many. Drew and Kevin stand on a very dark street, and Drew comments that while this is a "very dead street," it's also "the main street." Kevin: "If this is the main street, we're in big trouble."
2:46 AM. Team Guido leaves. As they walk down the street, Bill says, "Do you see Kevin and Drew?" (Incidentally, let's just call that Team Guido Obsesses Over Other Teams, Part 1.)
Kevin and Drew, meanwhile, are wondering whether wandering the streets is actually such a hot idea. There look to be no cabs, but they don't know what else to do. In an interview, Team Guido comments that "the other competitors are realizing that they haven't played maybe as smart as we have." (TGOOOT, Part 2.) Cut to Bill, saying to Joe as they walk down the dark street, "It's nice to be back in civilization again, isn't it?" Right on, ass, because those people out in the Sahara Desert? The ones dancing and singing and partying while you pouted in the shade? They clearly are "uncivilized." Sometimes I wonder whether Bill realizes that he's talking out loud, and that other people can hear him besides Joe. Maybe he thinks that the matching outfits give them magical powers to speak only to each other.
Drew: "The Guidos…" Kevin: "They're doing fine, they're -- they're -- they don't make a lot of mistakes, but at the same time, we do everything quicker than them." I don't know if I'd go that far, Kevin, but lately, it's true that Shower-Fresh has been getting the drop on the Guidos. Back to Guido. Joe: "They're totally distracted, they're totally worried about 'Bill and Joe are doing this,' 'Bill and Joe are doing that,' they've been saying this all along, you know, 'there's something special about Bill and Joe.'" Man, Joe really needs to surrender the fantasy, because he's beginning to see himself in a somewhat supernatural way I'm just not comfortable with. Back to Drew: "We've pretty much beaten them every single time, to every destination, just about." Kevin: "They're not doing anything fantastic." Drew: "We're not that impressed with them." Ooooh, Guidos and Frats are gonna rumble!
Guido gets a cab on the deserted street. Of course they do. They have the Luck of the Evil. But then Shower-Fresh gets a cab. Woo hoo!
3:12 AM. Good morning, Momily! This morning, Em has her goofy red-and-white stocking cap on, which looks a little like she's growing it for the Cat in the Hat, but she only has the first stripe done. Nancy is doing the red-bandanna thing. They look sort of cute, actually. Emily's hat is dumb, but somehow, it kind of works for her. (I promise you that at this moment, Esquire is gnashing its shiny white teeth, muttering, "Man, every time WE wear a hat, it's this international fashion crime and it goes on for about six pages, and now she's all, 'Oh, Emily can wear a dumb hat, that's perfectly all right.' Where is the justice? Can we sue for this?" All I can say is it's a benevolent dictatorship around here.) Now, in an interview, we see that Emily has gotten rid of the braids, and this is the first time she appears as cute as she probably is. (It might be that I'm giving her a free pass because I'm so happy about the braids being gone, of course.) She comments that she thinks Momily has surprised people by sticking around so long, and I think it's fair to say she's right. They did look a bit shaky the first couple of weeks, when they weren't doing anything but "Imily!" and "C'mon, Mom!" Things seem to be improving for them. They do the cab thing and get on their way.
3:52 AM. Team Esquire. Rob is still in that damn marshmallow-man jacket that I just! Can't! Stand! But at least there is no hat. The boys are showing me mercy this week. No backwards baseball hat, no dumb-ass touristy safari hat, no visor, NO HAT. (Q-Brennan: "I actually HAD an Indiana Jones hat! But it got so beat up in my backpack that I left it in Paris." Miss Alli: "Well, sucks for you. Think how much better you would have been treated, had you kept it.") Rob, in a mercifully non-sunglassed and hair-appropriate interview, says that "at this point, everybody is competition." He singles out Momily, pointing out that "they are really kicking butt right now -- and they're kicking OUR butt right now, and I give them all the credit in the world right now, it's great."
4:42 AM. Team Danza, with Loud Pushy Frank in a scarf wrapped around his head, wearing shorts. Whatever, LPFrank. He points out that Danza didn't have a good day yesterday, and they're hoping to do a little better on this leg so they can "recover." He goes on to say, "Things are not over. We haven't been counted out yet." Unfortunately, this is true. I am still resisting the Rehabilitation Of Frank storyline they're trying to feed me. Whatever happened to the Secret Love Of Margarita And Rob? I was on the edge of my seat with that one. Aside from the fact that I made it up, I thought it was really going somewhere.
4:43 AM. Lenny and Karyn. She admits that they're having "little squabbles." Yeah, little squabbles followed by The Karyn Eyeball Daggers Of Death. I'm surprised Lenny doesn't have little holes burned into his skull from the looks she gives him. The back of his head should be Swiss cheese by now. She goes on: "We just keep gettin' up, believe me." Oh, I believe you, Karyn. I'm amazed by it, but I believe it. Lenny says that they can only expect that they're "gonna butt heads." Heh. He said "butt heads." Can you tell I'm bored with them and my mind wanders? They find a cab as well.
Morning has brooooo-ken…Guidos in their cab. Shower-Fresh in their cab. (Have you noticed that these teams do not like each other? Bruckheimer and friends would like you to notice.) A truckload of oranges goes by. Huh? Momily, more trucks, beauty shot of Rob, beauty shot of Brennan. (Esquire asked me just how obsessively I have to hover over the pause button in order to get these recaps done, and let me just say this in response: Nice eyelashes, boys!) It is at this point that I realize that when I first saw Rob in the coffee shop Wednesday morning, I said to myself, "Hey, you can't be in a coffee shop! You're on TV!" and now, when I see him on TV, I say, "You can't be on TV! I know you!" Weird phenomenon, that. Aaaanyway, nauseating camerawork continues as we follow the teams toward the hotel. In their cab, a preposterously grinning Frank opines that he and Margarita surprised the other teams by showing up at the oasis when everybody thought they'd gotten hopelessly lost. He thinks that the other teams reacted to seeing them by saying, "Damn, they're still here?" I don't doubt this is true; I'm just not sure it happened for the reasons LPFrank thinks it did. He continues, "The bottom line is, we're gonna dust ourselves off, pick ourselves up, clean ourselves off, and start all over again." "Onward," Margarita agrees. I think it's safe to say this will be the only time you will see LPFrank very nearly quote Fred Astaire, but with the direction his personality is going…who knows? Perhaps Natty Broadway Frank is only a few episodes away.
Teams hurtle toward the hotel. Seriously, the camera people and the editors just lost their minds this week. Whatever method of motion-sickness-inducement they were using before, they cranked it up to eleven this time, because I seriously need five deep breaths and a stiff drink to stop my stomach from churning. Speaking of my churning stomach, Team Guido disembarks from the cab, followed by Kevin and Drew. Guido rips open the clue. It leads them to a spot outside the Coliseum. No, no, this time it IS the Coliseum you're thinking of -- the one in Rome. Incidentally, they get a photo of the spot they're going to, and if it's the same one they show us, it shows the entire Coliseum. Nevertheless, Bill crows, "I know exactly where that is, that's right outside the Coliseum." Yeah, no kidding. I ONCE AGAIN got lost trying to get out of fucking downtown Minneapolis JUST LAST NIGHT, so I don't exactly have a natural compass in my nose, but I still think I could have looked at that picture and deduced that it was the Coliseum. In news not related to my navigational difficulties, Joe and Bill head for the airport as Kevin and Drew open the clue and follow.
Tunis airport, with many Tunisian flags. (I think this show is going to create one of those weird quirks in American knowledge where only seven percent of people questioned will have the ability to identify the Vice President, but half of the population will have the ability to identify the Tunisian flag.) Bill and Joe walk up to Tunis Air and ask for tickets in French. You know, I like potatoes au gratin as much as the person, but if I never have to hear French again after this show is over, it's going to be such a relief. At the ticket counter, they learn that there's a strike in Rome for part of the day, so you can't go directly there. They set up a flight that connects in Zurich, and hey! Here comes Shower-Fresh. "Drew has just arrived," Bill announces gravely. Wide-angle close-up of Drew that makes him look seriously menacing. No, SERIOUSLY menacing. "Look at his face," Joe and Bill chortle. (TGOOOT, Part 3.) Bill goes over and conspiratorially whispers to the flight attendant (in subtitled French) that the other contestants are arriving. (TGOOOT, Part 4.) She could give a crap, Bill. Look at her face.
Now, Drew seems to sense that Guido is up to something, because as he stands to Bill, he says, "You better be careful, you don't want to get one of your legs broken." I'm sort of sad that they didn't show a little lead-in for that, because we've seen nothing from Drew that suggests he would have said that for no reason. Bill and Joe laugh. Yes, they LAUGH. For that matter, so do the people behind the ticket counter. It's pretty clear that nobody thinks this is threatening. (Save that thought for later.) Drew now, in a way I find totally endearing and funny, tells Bill and Joe that he and Kevin secretly know French, but they're just holding it in reserve. "We don't give away that we know French," he says. "We know it." Bill: "Well, that's good, now WE know." Bill manages to laugh at his own joke while still prominently displaying his utter lack of any genuine sense of humor whatsoever. I don't know how he does it, but he does. Drew hovers. Bill suddenly turns to Drew and says, in French, "I do the work and you benefit." Then he translates it, "Don't get so mad at me, I'm doing the work for you." As he makes this unbelievably condescending comment, which makes no sense, in that he isn't getting Drew and Kevin tickets, he pats Drew on the arm. Bill? You are totally begging this guy to beat the crap out of you. I don't condone violence from anyone, but I've known enough relatively peace-loving guys who have told me about the few times they've gotten into fights to know that what you're doing right now is considered provocation by about eighty percent of the guys you're likely to meet. So quit it.
But does Bill quit it? Heck, no. Drew, being the bigger man in more ways than one, says, "I was just kidding about the breaking the legs part." He smiles, and you know that he WAS kidding, in the sense that he won't actually break Bill's legs, but he also WASN'T kidding, in the sense that he WISHES he could break Bill's legs. And Bill? Pinches. Drew's. Cheek. If there's more of a sign for "I have no respect for you, and I'm going to tweak you because I know you're too classy to beat the shit out of me" than pinching a guy like Drew on the cheek, I don't know what it is. Fortunately for Bill, Drew smiles, but he's thinking about how it would feel to deliver Bill to the Coliseum unexpectedly early -- by catapult.
Drew and Kevin try to order tickets on the same plane the Guidos had, but they get the bad news that Bill and Joe got the last tickets. Of course they did. Luck of the Evil. We watch Bill and Joe wander through the airport -- as matching as ever -- with their luggage on a little cart. Weasels. Drew and Kev clarify the strike situation, and ponder their options -- of which, for the moment, it appears they have none. Momily approaches and asks what's up, and Shower-Fresh fills them in. Kevin is now negotiating on behalf of Momily as well as himself and Drew. As has been stated by greater minds than mine, this version of an "alliance" -- in which you don't attempt to wait for people, but you help them when you have the chance -- makes a lot more sense than what Esquire and Danza were trying to do before. You can't, after all, actually wait for people -- that's dumb, and it doesn't work. But when you're bunched, you can help each other. Anyway, Nancy is getting her Southern Mom vibe going as she laments that the Guidos seem to get the best of the other teams "every taaaaaahme. Every taaaaaahme." She is frustrated, and it's starting to show.
Lenny and Karyn arriving at the airport, noted by Shower-Fresh. Frank and Margarita, arriving as well. Team Esquire appears. Elsewhere, the Guidos stake out a spot to spy on the other teams. "We're going to just stand here and watch what happens," Bill says. (TGOOOT, Part 5.)
Esquire, running through the airport, still sort of doing that geeky-running thing. Maybe it's just that running is practically all they ever show Esquire doing, so I just notice it more. Or else they run like geeks. After a quick check on Frank and Margarita, we are back to Esquire. Now this particular shot of the boys standing in line has one purpose and one purpose only, and that is for you to look at Rob's arm. Rob's monstrous arm is crawling right out of his sleeve, and it is going to come to your house and eat your food and date your women. It's The Arm That Ate Cleveland. It's The Arm That Stomped Tokyo. Bill, actually, comments that "Rob is just kinda hanging out over the side," and for once, he's right. That arm is everywhere. Have I mentioned I've seen this arm? Of course, it looks nothing like this in person. It's all make-up and camera angles and CGI.
Brennan, getting to speak for once (Brennan is in serious danger of becoming the Marcel Marceau of this show), learns that there are no seats. Specifically, he gets to say: "Oh, it's fully booked. Ah, okay." Give it up for Brennan's dialogue, people, because you're not getting much this week. Rob and Drew are chatting, with Rob saying, "We're beggin', too! That's what you've got to do here, that's really the only thing you can do." Drew has a pen behind his ear. Planning on taking some dictation, Drew?
Bill and Joe, driving their luggage cart around in a desperate search for information about the status of the other teams. Specifically, they say (and I am not kidding), "Oooooh, now we can hear what's going on with THESE guys!" (TGOOOT, Part 6.) Frank and Margarita are discussing Joe and Bill's good luck, and then there's a shot of Bill chuckling derisively. I am highly suspicious about the editing, in terms of whether Bill is actually reacting to Frank and Margarita as shown, but…I can only watch it the way they give it to me. Back to Rob. "How is it out of eight lines, we pick the one where the ticket guy disappears?" Poor Esquire. But hey -- here's a shot of them from behind, which informs me that Rob has that damn hat slung across his back. Rob, I swear -- when I said LOSE the hat, I meant it. LOSE it. Lose it in the desert, lose it on a plane, lose it in a poker game, lose it forever, or I'm calling the authorities and having it confiscated. It also has writing on it, and if the writing says, "Have a great summer! U were fun to talk to in Bio! See U in the fall! Luv, Amber!" I am going to throw up.
Frustration montage. Everyone is tearing their collective hair out. Margarita wants a flight to Athens. Marseilles? No. And no. Then we get the world's most humorous shot of Rob, in which his mouth is all puffed out like he's pressing his lips up against a window to scare his buddies. They really like to put the camera up Rob's nose.
More of the frustration mambo. Nancy, in an interview, is "envious" of Bill and Joe. She goes on to say, "It's just like…this little good-luck fairy just follows them everywhere they go." And I am not TOUCHING that, because let's face it -- you don't need me to.
More Guido gloating, and I can't STAND them.
Commercials. Watch The District. There are no naked wolves being advertised this week. Damn.
Lenny laments that "Team Guido had their bases covered, and they're basically gonna be in Rome." Karyn allows as how this is because they arrived first. Well, yes, but…it's still annoying. Speaking of which, here's Bill saying, "We have a ticket, they don't." Joe: "They don't have any tickets at all." (TGOOOT, Part 7.) Margarita, still checking, still striking out. Kevin, clearly having a thought of some sort, tells Drew to get the passports ready. Drew explains that because he and Kevin are from New York and have "the luck of the Irish," Kevin was able to charm a girl at Tunis Air into getting them onto a flight. No indication of how this was accomplished. I may not want to know. Not only does Kevin get himself and Drew squared away, but he takes care of Momily and Esquire, too. There seems to be an emerging thing among these three teams -- not an alliance, exactly, just an understanding, and it makes a fair amount of sense to me, because these are the three remaining teams that I can imagine myself ever spending time with voluntarily. Anyway, this Fratilyesque thing seems to start to gel here at the ticket counter. Drew and Rob clasp hands. Nancy refers to Kevin and Drew as her "new heroes." Aw.
In The Best Guido Footage Of All Time, Team Guido realizes that they've been not only matched, but in fact BESTED, by Fratilyesque under the direction of Kevin and Drew. It could not be more obvious, for what it's worth, that part of what's going on here is that Bill and Joe are sucking ego off of thinking of themselves as better than everybody else, and it just kills them to think that anybody -- especially people they consider to be uncultured buffoons like Shower-Fresh -- can thwart their evil plans. It's a sort of "They're beating us! Without French! Without a knowledge of red wine! Without being able to identify counterfeit art!" I think they would have taken it better if they were being kicked around by Rob and Brennan, frankly. Coming from bald guys with New York accents, they cannot take it. "Oh, my God, those guys got tickets," says Bill, on the verge of collapse. (TGOOOT, Part 8.)
Fratilyesque rejoicing. You know, this strikes me as a very good group. You've got some muscle, some brains, some wit, some just-plain-nice…and then there are the Frats and Momily! (OH! Free Cheap Compliment Alert! That was for bringin' me a beer.) Anyway, Emily is just about coming apart at the seams (eww, no, not LITERALLY -- shut up, Emily-Oglers, and that includes YOU, a-HEM) at her first official opportunity to be envied by the Guidos, and she busts out her very first full-on grin of the show, as far as I can recall. It's a cute one. You know, the general fact that they don't smile much came to my attention just lately. If, for instance, one of them had monster dimples, you might very well not know unless you met such person. You know, personally.
Bill and Joe, with their little luggage cart, seething. (TGOOOT, Part 9.) Hee! I want to watch two hours of just this. Just Team Guido, pursing its lips, narrowing its eyes, stamping its feet, and rolling that luggage cart around. That would be a great double episode. Can I get that on DVD?
Drew explains that the flight Kevin set up for Fratilyesque will have them to Rome three hours before Team Guido. Cut to Bill and Joe, moping. Hee, again! (Oh, and also, TGOOOT, Part 10.) Drew shows us a necklace he bought at El-Jem for his girlfriend, but he tells us that now the girlfriend will get something else (don't worry, Drew's Girlfriend, it's something "better"), because he's unloading the El-Jem necklace on the girl at the ticket counter. Aww, Drew, that's sweet! Ticket Counter Girl looks like she's going to cry.
"So three teams got tickets," Bill and Joe clarify. "Lenny and Karyn didn't." (TGOOOT, Part 10.) "Thank God, they're still -- they failed," Bill snots. And you know what? It is at this point that I realize that for all the fury that the other teams rightly felt at the Guidos during this episode, I increasingly find them sort of sad. They seem to be such small people, you know? Just petty and jealous and self-important…it's sad, is what it is.
Lenny and Karyn discuss whether she should go stand in line some more. He tries to discourage her, telling her she'll get nowhere, but she's determined to go. "I just can't stand still," she says. Karyn voices over that she befriended some folks at Tunis Air, who told her that she might have better luck if she came back a bit later.
Fratilyesque, preparing for departure.
Karyn and Lenny, weighing their options and choosing to stay in the airport and pray for a shot at a direct flight. They sort of low-five on it, and it's by far the nicest they've ever been to each other that we've seen. "I'm with you," he says supportively. You know, I think they do better when she does everything, because that way, she can't be pissed off at him for messing anything up. "Either we'll be way out ahead," he reasons, "or we'll be shot in the foot." And they laugh. Together. Shocking, really.
The Frank Formerly Known As Loud And Pushy finagles tickets to London. Bill and Joe take note of every move Danza is making. (You guessed it -- it's TGOOOT, Part 12). Now, we get my favorite Guido footage of the day, other than their original Fratilyesque foiling. Bill says, "Let's just calm down," trying desperately to pretend he doesn't care that much about how their evil plans are going astray. "Well, let's stop talking about it, then," Joe says with a snippy smile. "Okay," Bill agrees. "You want to 'calm down,' let's stop discussing it," Joe says through the world's tightest lips. "Because the more we discuss it, the more we kinda get my stomach churned up." Man, he looks like his teeth are being held together with Krazy Glue. That's gotta hurt.
Fratilyesque, sweating their departure time, checking their watches. (Bill and Joe, watching them, saying, "They're gonna make a lot of noise going through customs -- we'll see what happens." TGOOOT, Part 13.) Chaos as Fratilyesque tries to get on their flight. They're obviously cutting it close, so they're relying on Drew's Necklace Girl to guide them. Nancy wants to know if they'll hold the plane. Emily starts saying "oh, my God" a lot. Rob voices over that when the Guidos saw what was going on with the other teams getting a better flight, they "just went nuts." And that appears to be what happens.
And here it is: The Great Flying Wedge Of 2001. As Fratilyesque approaches their departure gate, the Guidos go in the same direction. "As we see them come, we're gonna stop," Bill tells Joe. "Put your tickets away so you can't find them." (This is, of course, because their tickets would quickly show that they are on Swissair and have no business being at the gate where this flight is going to take off.) "It might just be one or two minutes, so let's just hold them up," Bill schemes, apparently planning to cause Fratilyesque to miss the flight. Need I point out that this is obviously TGOOOT, Part 14? It should count several times, but I'll only count it once.
Tense music plays as the confrontation approaches. "Okay, here they come," Bill says. And then again, "Okay, here they come." If this weren't such bad behavior, it would really be rather funny, actually, given how Bill is all Boris-Badenov-y, hovering and looking over his shoulder so that he can be really, really wicked by -- getting in the way with his luggage cart! What a brilliant plan! Anyway, Joe and Bill wave people through past them until Fratilyesque gets there, and then they wedge into the entrance. As much as I'd like it to be amusing, it isn't. I don't know what security is like in the Tunis airport, but I certainly wouldn't pull this shit in any American airport. Pushing and shoving at an airport gate, creating chaos, inciting an actual scuffle? That is INSANE. And it's not really very crafty, because as soon as it becomes clear that you're creating an incident, they're going to hold the plane for the people behind you who are hollering that you won't let them pass. (You'll note that Fratilyesque made the plane.) Anyway, not quite noticing the situation yet, Drew kisses Necklace Girl goodbye (but only once -- Dre-ew!) and they head for the gate. Now, the battle is on. You hear a lot of "what the hell are these guys doing?" and "what the hell?" and then I think it's Rob, with "they're hacking on the cops," and if that's true, then they're even bigger idiots than I thought. Kevin: "You guys are gonna get punched in the face. Or arrested, one or the other." Sing it, Kevin! Emily is in tears, so clearly something pretty significant has gone down here.
And then, through the magic of editing, it's over. Kevin's voice: "Come with me, come with me, okay, merci -- here you go, here you go, Emily, Emily, here!" (From this disjointed dialogue, you can tell that Kevin is the guy you want with you in this situation, more than obviously.) Through the entry, Fratilyesque make their way toward the flight. We get a three-shot of Rob, Drew, and Emily, talking to the camera. "It's just ridiculous," Rob says. Emily: "I mean, security everywhere, they're pushing people, screaming…" Rob: "They go so far as to step in front of Nancy and actually physically prevent her from moving." And that? Is just sad. Rob, again with the "just ridiculous." No kidding. "I'm really disappointed in them," Emily goes on. "I can see them doing that to other people, but not to my mom." In case you're wondering whether they really pushed Em's mom, look at her face here. She doesn't know what to say. They pushed her mom. Drew: "Why didn't they push Rob, or me, or Kevin?" Rob gives the hearty "word," and chews his gum like he would do anything for a heavy bag right about now. (Sounds impossible, but if you have it on tape, look at the gum-chewing. It's the angriest gum-chewing EVER.) Em: "They're probably scared of you all." Beat. Rob: "They should be now." Ooooooooh, Rob's busting out The Arm That Stomped Tokyo!
Kevin hurry-hurries everybody onto the flight, and…they're off. They're on their way to Lyon. Phil exposits that at almost the same time, Frank and Margarita got to London, and then a couple of hours later, Joe and Bill set off. And then, in one of those goofy twists that help keep things interesting, Lenny and Karyn manage to get a direct flight -- the only one anybody got all day -- that puts them into Rome in FIRST PLACE. After all that. Karyn is disbelieving that they're in the lead, and boy, so am I. I'm almost sorry I already called someone else Team Cockroach, because it would be perfect for them.
Lyon. Rob, Kevin, Emily. Rob explains that the airline has cancelled the connecting flight, so they're stuck. (It's the Guido-luck, I swear.) He explains that they're now going to head for Milan, and then to try to get from there to Rome by bus or train or roller skates or whatever seems fastest.
Guidos in Rome. Damn them. They get a taxi and head for the flag. It turns out that in addition to speaking crappy-ass French, they also speak crappy-ass Italian. Is there no relief? In the cab, they speculate that maybe Fratilyesque somehow got stuck along the way to Rome. (TGOOOT, part 15.)
Which, of course, brings us back to Rob/Kevin/Emily. "Just bad, rotten luck," Rob remarks. Emily pats him on the shoulder. "Welcome to our world, sweetheart," she says wearily. "I've been there," he responds. "I'm in it." Psssst, Emily? I don't think he noticed you feeling The Arm That Stomped Tokyo, but I did.
Karyn, walking along in Rome, wonders whether the other teams will get flights out that same night. Lenny isn't sure. (If he commits to an answer, she'll tell him it's the wrong one, of course, and things are going so well that it's probably the better part of valor for him to keep his mouth shut.)
Danza, in the Geneva airport, where they have apparently progressed from London after finding no flights to Rome. As The Frank Formerly Known As Loud And Pushy explains it, they came to Geneva because "Margarita thought it would be best." Frank? Has had a head transplant. That is the only explanation I can think of. Anyway, they curl up under what looks like it might be a staircase and sack out for the night.
Commercials. Drink Yo-Burst. Not likely.
Fratilyesque in Milan. Kevin explains that they weren't able to get a quick flight to Milan, so they jumped on the train. "Go right from here to the train station and suck it up -- right now we have no other options," he says, and that's why Kevin is a good player. They grab the train, and it leaves the station. "Whether we go by airplane, by bus, by train -- we're gonna get there," Brennan actually is given the opportunity to say out loud. "Planes, trains, and automobiles," Rob John-Hugheses in response.
Cab Guido. "I haven't been here in five years, or four years," Joe muses, "but I have a pretty good layout of the city."
NOOOOOOOOO! I'm just going to retire from recapping right now, because I can't take this. If I have to watch Bert and Ernie (tm Esquire, by the way) snot their way through another European city while informing me constantly of how much they know about it, I'm going to start tearing my face off just as a distraction.
Oh, fine. I'll just keep going. Joe speaks some crappy-ass Italian to the driver about waiting for them while they check the clue. Like I care. For some reason, Joe seems to think that when you speak a foreign language, you have to talk like a freak. And I'm saying it ain't so, Joe.
Lenny and Karyn, the flag. (Hey, they're still in first!) As they open the clue, Phil Phills us in on the detour. Their mission this week is to find one of two monuments -- an easy-to-find statue of a foot, or a harder-to-find hoof portion of a horse statue. The clue says they "may pick up speed" if they find the Hoof, which it turns out is because there are taxis available at the Hoof that can help them get going on the part a bit faster. Karyn, reading the info, notes that they "may" pick up speed, so they're not sure to pick up any.
Guido cab. Bill does his obligatory "Yeess!" in the car. (Q-Rob: "He has to do that once every episode. 'Yeess!'") The Guidos run toward the clue. Hey, they run dumber than Esquire, because they're synchronized. Anyway, they make it to the clue, but they discover that -- d'oh! It's all about the Bunching. (Incidentally, Rob used the expression "bunching" in a conversation I overheard but did not participate in, which suggests to me that I am successfully incorporating it into the vocabularies of others. Oh, and also that I need to stop eavesdropping.) We're bunching here because Hoof and Foot don't open until the day. So in effect, we're back in Paris at the pendulum and Notre Dame. (Q-Rob: "How DO you pronounce that, anyway? Is it…is it 'foo-CALT'?" Miss Alli, feeling like a dork: "It's sort of 'foo-COH.'" Q-Rob, with a chuckle: "Yeah, in that case, I don't think ANYBODY got that right.")
Speaking of Rob, here he is on Train Fratilyesque, getting to Rome. Teams grab cabs, agree to meet up at the Coliseum, and Nancy grabs a hug from Esquire. Before you know it, here's Esquire, running for the flag. Do I have to cover the running yet again? This time, they don't even have their packs, so I don't know WHAT the problem is. They pull the clue, and then Kevin and Drew show up and they pull the clue, too. Everybody's thinkin' Hoof is the way to go.
Thumping music accompanies the arrival of Frank and Margarita, who got to Rome from Geneva on a flight we weren't told about. Meanwhile, in Nancy and Emily's cab, Nancy spots the flag, and they make a run for it.
Joe and Bill walk along a lovely street of Rome, congratulating themselves on the discount Joe negotiated at the hotel last night. Well, pin a rose on your nose, Discount Joe. And also? Shut up. In a very nice moment, Nancy and Emily in their cab go right by the strolling Bill and Joe. "Oh, look, there's the Guidos," Emily says with a cackle that I definitely could get used to. Women who cackle are almost always superior to women who don't.
Hoof. The camera looks up at the horse statue, trying to make it seem imposing. In the end, it's just a horse statue. Team Esquire makes it to the horse, and is soon met and high-fived by Momily.
The Guidos are walking along, and they happen to pass Drew and Kevin. As they approach, Bill says to Joe, "Don't say anything. Just say 'good morning.'" Sheesh, does Joe need Bill to tell him when to talk to people and when not to? That's enough to make Bill into Loud Pushy Bill, almost. (Oh, and furthermore, we're calling that TGOOOT, part 16.) Thinking rather highly of themselves as always, Team Guido approaches Shower-Fresh. "Morning," Bill mutters. "Don't even think of saying 'good morning,'" Drew very nearly spits. In case you were still wondering whether the Guidos really did anything wrong back at the airport, remember that they had acted sort of arrogant and annoying before, and Drew was still fairly polite, and now Drew will have nothing to do with them. The airport was BAD, you can tell.
Momily and Esquire see the Guidos coming, and Bill of course says "buon giorno," like the tool he really, really, REALLY is. The other teams are standing at the gate of the Hoof, and the Guidos go stand at the other end of the gate. "They're smart to stay over there," Nancy comments. I have a feeling the quartet of boys that now surround Momily were especially not thrilled about the Nancy-pushing, and they're wound pretty tight and ready to pop without a lot of provocation. Rob, for instance, has long since reduced that gum to subatomic particles. Here comes Shower-Fresh now, sharing a greeting with Esquire. Topic? Hating Guido. Drew tells the "good morning" story.
Joe: "We know, like we've always said, is that we're focused on the race -- they're focused on us. We're gonna win the race! They're not focused on the race, they're focused on us. Why are they doing that now? That's stupid. They should be looking for the faster, quicker way to get there!" Yeah, thanks, Joe. SHUT! UP! (TGOOOT, part 17.) "It doesn't bother us," some Guido or another says. "What it does is it energizes us, because we know that they're not focused." Damn. If only someone could present actual evidence of what utter bullshit this entire "we're focused on the race, they're focused on us" thing really is! If only someone could present something called, "Team Guido Obsessing Over Other Teams, A Tale In 17 Parts." Oh, hey, look! I just did. What a couple of dicks.
Here come Frank and Margarita to the Hoof, and their big news is that they've now decided that Team Guido should be called Siegfried and Roy. Hee! Although, quite honestly, I like Bert and Ernie better. It trips off the tongue with slightly more panache, although honestly, it's very nearly a toss-up. Anyway, Danza gets the scoop on the airport scuffle. It is at this point, incidentally, that I notice Brennan has the visor on again. Sigh. And we were doing so well with the boys and the non-hat-wearing. Aaaanyway, Lenny and Karyn are at the Hoof, too. They hear the scuffle story, and they are surprised to hear Nancy say that Guido pushed her. Their response to that is to go ask the Guidos for their side of the story. A nice idea, if the Guidos had any integrity whatsoever. Here's what Bill says when Karyn asks him about it: "You have to believe us, we didn't, like, set that situation up. I mean, other than the fact that we just happened to arrive at the departure gate about three seconds before they did. We didn't run there, and…they were running around the corner, 'cause they saw us going there, so they sort of created the emotional…energy of what ended up happening." You read the recap. You know that entire thing is a total lie. A total, one-hundred-percent lie.
Cut back to the rest of the teams, talking. Now, HERE is an interesting moment. "Well," Drew is saying rather forcefully, "he pushed Nancy, so I pushed -- Nancy was trying to get through." Hey. Wonder who Drew pushed, don't you? He didn't finish the sentence. Inquiring minds want to know. Bill and Joe are insisting there was no pushing. Drew is saying, "You don't push a lady, it's that simple." Bill, on the other hand, has seized on Drew's "I'll break your legs" comment, trying to imply that somehow he was in actual fear of Drew and Drew was at fault. Yeah, whatever. Bill also says Drew was "pushing and shoving." I hope Drew didn't actually HURT Team Guido, but I find myself kinda hoping he maybe pushed them a little. I know, it's small and petty of me. What can I say? I'm a petty, petty person. Anyway, Bill refers to this is as "escalating violence." You are so ridiculous, Bill, seriously. As Lenny and Karyn leave, Bill reassures himself that the truth "is somewhere in the middle" of what he told Karyn and what the others probably told her. Considering that it lies nowhere in the vicinity of what Bill told her, I find that difficult to believe.
Learning that the Hoof opens at 10:00 and the Foot opens earlier, Lenny and Karyn head for the Foot. At the Foot, they find the clue, which tells them to "take a train to Castelfranco Emilia via Bologna." Remember that, because it's important. Anyway, when they get there, they're to head for an auto factory. They head for the train.
Hoof, about to open. Exciting music -- do you think something exciting will happen to justify it? Yeah, I know. Probably not. The teams waiting at the Hoof (which is everybody except Lenny and Karyn -- Guidos, Fratilyesque, and Danza) have to wait for the gate to fully drop before they can run for the clue. Lots of hovering over the gate as it drops. They wonder whether they can jump over. Uh, no, they're apparently told. Joe says they're going to "maintain some decorum" as the gate drops and they run for it. When that happens, Margarita is actually the first to make the dash. The Hoof people collect their clues. There is a frenzy for cabs to the train station.
And along here, we get our first shot of Rob in his blue-tinted sunglasses. Man, these are as bad as the hat. Okay, they're not as bad as ALL of the hats. They're as bad as the backwards baseball hat. They're not as bad as The Hat I Am Obsessed With Hating (hereinafter the Hating-Hat). But they're very…I don't know whether I want to say Elton John, or, like, Warren Zevon…I know! They look like something the one of the members of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem would wear. Dude, Rob is in the Muppets' rock band.
Ironically, Margarita and Loud Pushy Frank are in their cab, talking about how "ugly this thing is getting," and the fact that neither of them wants any part of it. Considering all the yelling Loud Pushy Frank was doing earlier in the race, I find this kind of shocking, but they seem to mean it. They say, almost in unison, "I don't want any part of that…"
Fratilyesque at the train station, followed by Frank and Margarita, then the Guidos. Bill and Joe yell at each other about getting on the train. Ha! "Oh, I hope they miss it!" Bill yells, still completely obsessed with the other teams rather than being focused on the race. "We should be so lucky!" yells Joe, who is also completely obsessed with the other teams rather than being focused on the race. Funny thing, that.
Everybody's on the train. And here are the lovely Boys of Esquire, carrying blue shades, visor, and their ticket to ridicule. Boys, boys, boys…anyway, we are informed that Lenny and Karyn are on a later train because of "production difficulties," and they'll get a credit for the lost time.
Team Guido, on the train, starts asking around for advice, and learns that you can get to the city they want by getting off at Bologna and taking a taxi, rather than taking the train all the way there. I've heard a little griping about why this was a rules violation, so let's straighten it out right now. Unlike the famous to-Avignon-or-not-to-Avignon dilemma, the clue here said that you had to take the train TO CASTELFRANCO EMILIA. The Les Baux clue just said to take the train. Nobody's train actually went to Les Baux -- you could get off wherever you wanted. Here, it said to take the train to the endpoint. This involves CHANGING TRAINS at Bologna, and successfully changing trains is part of the task. Like it or not, that's what the clue said. Not doing the second half of the train trip is not doing the task. Nevertheless, Team Guido takes a cab instead of the required second train leg, as does Team Danza.
Back on the second train, blue-spectacled Rob the Muppet guitarist is lawyering and parsing his head off on the rules violation. "There was a train switch at Bologna," he says, "and we are now on the second train to Castelfranco Emilia. A couple of teams got off in Bologna, and we believe are on their way in a cab to Castelfranco Emilia, which we think is a violation of what the clue says to do. The clue that we got this afternoon said, and I quote, 'Take a train to Castelfranco Emilia via Bologna.'" Whew! That was a mouthful, Rob. Take a breath. Meanwhile, Emily gives the layperson's view, as follows: "If it says to take a train, take a train! Take a damn train!" Heh.
Bill, in an interview, whines, "I never played the taxi to be a cheater." Yeah, I didn't actually think you did, Bill. I just think you didn't do the clue. I don't think you were trying to put anything over on anybody; I just think you didn't want to do what it said to do, and you failed to follow directions. Bill says he was "being smart." Well, except for the part where you didn't do what it said to do. That wasn't so smart.
Frank and Margarita get to the car factory.
Fratilyesque, getting off the train. "We'll be lucky if there's one taxi, never mind three," Kevin is saying. Now we see them standing around looking at two cabs that have arrived. Drew is asking for "three taxis," but you can hear Rob say, "There's only two, Drew," and I have a feeling that means two IN THE TOWN, not two AVAILABLE TO THESE PARTICULAR PEOPLE, and if you were looking for a reason that the second train leg was part of the task, this might be it. My impression that there isn't another one in town is strengthened by the fact that unlike every other place where they've had a cab and needed another, the cab drivers can't call another cab. Instead, Momily agrees to wait at the train station and have the boys send one of the cabs back for them. "Y'all go, seriously," Emily says good-naturedly. Once the boys have left, Nancy reiterates that there are only "two cabs in the area," and she and Em have let the boys go first. "A little bit of the fight's gone in us -- or, me," she explains, and again, I think this is about the Guido airport incident. Nancy's just mortified. "It's okay," she says to Emily. "I hope so," Emily says. "As long as we don't get eliminated."
Special note. Esquire is taking some crap for taking one of the cabs and letting Momily and Shower-Fresh negotiate for the other one. As I keep saying, Rob didn't want to give me much in the way of inside information, but I know how to keep my ears open, and if I cobble together a few tidbits I was able to overhear, I think that Rob ordered the two cabs -- the only two in town -- while they were all on the train, specifically by successfully scamming a cell phone from some girl. (Figures.) If true, this would explain why it was assumed that they were entitled to one of the cabs.
Commercials. Drive a Jetta, it's the fastest way to break up someone else's wedding. ["While looking uncannily like James Spader." -- Sars]
Teams speeding toward the car factory in their cabs. Guido, Esquire, Shower-Fresh. Back at the train station, Emily tries to keep from being knocked over by what's kicked up by the train that goes by. Meanwhile, at the car factory, Frank and Margarita learn about the Roadblock. This is the one-team-member-does-the-task segment, and this week the clue is that it should be done by "someone who likes to take things slowly." The Frank Formerly Known As Loud And Pushy takes it on. Turns out that the task is to drive a little smart car (which looks kinda like the bastard child of a red sports car and a golf cart) to the destination, using only a map in Italian to get there, along a rather circuitous route. While one team member does that, the other team member gets a ride to the destination in a sports car that can go 180 miles an hour.
Guidos, arriving. They notice that Frank and Margarita are ahead of them. As LPFrank gets ready to go, Margarita encourages him to ask directions if he needs to. And now, Frank does not only the smartest thing we've yet seen him do, but one of the smartest things we've seen ANYONE do during this entire race. He shows his cab driver on the map where he needs to go, and he hires the cab driver to drive ahead of him, so now Smart Crafty Frank can just follow. A stroke of genius, I have to say, and you know how that pains me. As he follows the cab (his smart car only goes about 30 miles an hour), Margarita excitedly takes off in the silver sports car.
"I'm driving a Swatch watch," Suddenly Funny Frank says in frustration. "I can ride my bike faster than this." Hee! Margarita and her driver come up behind Frank, pull up alongside, and then whiz off into the great beyond like he's standing still. And Sweet Supportive Frank hollers and yells with excitement the entire time. It's…oh, for cryin' out loud. It's cute, all right? Loud Pushy Frank is being cute, and it's making me feel like the universe has tipped on its axis. Frank goes on to explain, "Every time, I get stuck. Last time, I let her do the Roadblock, and I had to drag a camel through the desert. Now, I say, 'Oh, let me drive this thing,' and she's in a Ferrari or something, just chillin'…that's cool, though." The way he throws out this last part -- "that's cool, though" -- is hysterically funny for some reason I can't put my finger on. ["I think it's because he realized that he sounded complainy, so he hit the manual override on that really abruptly, but he's clearly still disgusted by the Swatch car. Hee." -- Sars]
Guido reads the clue. "'For someone who likes to take things slow,'" Joe considers. "Well, that would be me, because I'm all nice and calm all the time." Yeah, whatever, Discount Joe. As he climbs into the Swatch watch, Bill wishes him good luck. In French, of course. Ass. time we see Joe, he looks a little lost. "I think I made a mistake already," he despairs. Interesting how the incredibly smart Guidos didn't come up with Frank's trick, isn't it?
Margarita reaches the destination and waits for Frank. Meanwhile, Esquire gets to the roadblock. We do get to hear Brennan say, "Thank you very much." That's his other big line of the week, I guess. As Drew and Kevin show up, Drew comments that "someone's got to go back and get the girls." Indeed. Rob and Brennan discuss the roadblock, and Rob says, "You're the former race-car driver," so they decide Brennan should do it. Heh. He takes off.
Drew is taking on the roadblock on behalf of Shower-Fresh. Seeing the car, this rather large guy looks a bit put off. "Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me," he grumbles. "I'm not good with the map, uh, stuff, Kev, but, uh…" He climbs in anyway, hoping for the best. Drew then has a wrestling match with his seatbelt. Snerk.
Joe is lost…or so they want me to think.
Frank approaches the endpoint. "That would be my wife, jumping up and down up there," he comments with affection. I just don't get the Frank transformation. Maybe it, too, is all camera angles and CGI. He climbs out, and they step on the mat, grinning. Welcome, Team Danza, you are Team Number One. Or so says the lovely young woman doing the greeting this week, who you will want to keep an eye on. Because God knows certain other people (I'm looking at you, men of Fratilyesque) are going to have an eye on her.
Here comes Guido to the finish line. Crap. Joe wasn't nearly lost enough, it turns out. They run onto the mat, jumping up and down as usual, fist-pumping, blah blah blah. Welcome, Team Guido, you are Team Number Two.
Here's Brennan, tooling around in the Esquire smart car. He's trying to use his map as a navigational tool, but like other teams, he's also retooling his plan to incorporate help from the locals. He tries to talk to a little old lady, but she starts speaking Italian to him. You know, Brennan, a foreign language would be a useful tool in this situation.
Momily, rescued by the returning cab. When they make it to the car place, Nancy takes on the Roadblock (all right, Nancy!). She looks a little ill, but she agrees to do it. Once they get on their way, Emily serves up the best sports-car reaction shot of the day, managing to look terrified and delighted at the same time, which I like to think is how I would look. I suspect I'd actually look like someone throwing up out the window, but you never know. Elsewhere, Nancy is a bit lost.
Hey, here are Lenny and Karyn, getting off the Production Difficulties Express. They get a woman on a bike to lead the way to a taxi for them, and they run behind her.
Rob, at the destination post-sports-car, pacing. This is Rob's GQ moment of the day, for those of you keeping score at home. Brennan is still driving around, and now he stops and asks for help from a guy who seems to work at some kind of Large Red Equipment site, though I couldn't tell you much more than that. He asks for directions, and the guy seems to be at least moderately helpful.
Kevin pulls up in the sports car, and he and Rob meet up. You can see them immediately get to checking out the Italian girl who's serving as the hostess. Dogs! I'm just saying. Actually, if you watch carefully, you can see their big cartoon tongues unfurl and land on the pavement. Listen for the "thwap."
Drew clambers out of the smart car and asks some locals for directions. (In an affable and friendly way, of course.) Eventually, someone agrees to lead him on her bike.
And here comes Brennan in the little red car, where Rob is waiting for him. They low-five as they land on the mat. Welcome, Team Esquire, you are Team Number Three. First thing out of Rob's mouth as he indicates the greeter? "This is Sara, this is Brennan." Hee! (This got the biggest laugh of the night in Rob's living room.) I guess we know how Rob and Kevin passed the time waiting for their boys to show up. Brennan grins, because you know what? He knows how they passed the time, too. (Q-Brennan, on his relationship with Rob: "We call each other 'dumb-ass' quite a lot. I'm surprised they don't show it more.")
Here's Drew, waved in by Kevin airport-style. Welcome, Team Shower-Fresh. You are Team Number Four. And of all these guys scamming on this girl, Kevin looks the hungriest. I swear, he looks like he's going to grab her, dip her, kiss her, and basically get his Pepe Le Pew on all over the place. ("Ahh, darleeeng, why do you run from me? Ah weeel find yooooouu…") He manages to distract himself by rubbing Drew's head, though I suspect it's just not the same. "I came over in the sports car," he explains to Drew, following up with the international mime for "sports car." "Oh, every one I get screwed!" Drew yells in disbelief. He's right.
Lenny and Karyn arrive and get the Roadblock. She does it. (Oh, thank goodness.) In her car, Nancy is still looking around. Now we're in the Nancy-and-Karyn-to-the-finish portion of the show. Nancy does arrive first (welcome, Momily, you are Team Number Five), but we don't see any Fratilyesque reunion. This is, of course, because the boys are off in a corner, arm-wrestling over who gets to go back and mack on the lovely Sara when her greeting duties are over.
Karyn, approaching. And approaching some more. And continuing to approach. She locates a guy who agrees to lead her for a while, and calls him "an angel." She also looks happy for once, which is nice. As he gives her her last set of directions, she kisses him and says, "Bye, Fabio!" Damn. She met an Italian guy named Fabio? Why don't things like that ever happen to me? ["Don't give up hope. I've met an Italian guy named Fabio, and I hope I look that good in a pair of Mercedes-logo coveralls when I'm seventy." -- Sars]
Karyn and Lenny on the mat, not looking concerned at all, which is what makes me think they know exactly what's coming. Phil explains that they've come in last, but this is a non-elimination leg. Now, there's been a lot of yakking on the boards about whether the non-elimination aspect was engineered to take care of the production difficulties, but anybody who saw Lenny and Karyn land on the mat yelling "Yay!" would, I think, argue that they knew. They try to look like they're getting info from Phil, but I honestly think they knew. Phil goes on to reiterate that they got a time credit.
He also explains that Guido and Danza both got a penalty for disobeying the clue about the train. It didn't change the order in which they get to leave on the leg, but it tightened things up time-wise. Fair enough, I suppose. If anything, I'd think the penalty should probably have been worse.
And here's the post-mortem on the Flying Wedge. Nancy says she knows why people don't like American tourists, and expresses her embarrassment at having been part of that entire thing. I don't doubt it. Bill and Joe are excited and happy. Whatever. Rob says, "The fact of the matter is, Bill and Joe are a strong team and have a good chance of winning, and it's just a shame, because I think the things they do spoil the game." I often think that Rob's moralizing about the Guidos rings a bit hollow, but I think he has a point here. Clearly, no one at the airport had any fun, and it put everybody in a crappy mood all day, and it was most likely an actual dangerous situation that created a lot of stress. I know it's not a handholding thing; it's a race, but there is a line somewhere, which isn't just a line of ethics. It's a line about what kind of experience you want to have. If you were to get in the business of stealing other people's passports, for instance, then all anybody would be able to do was watch each other suspiciously. In this case, I do think the Guido behavior "spoiled the game," so this time, I'm agreeing with Esquire.
Drew says, "They're outcasts. They don't talk to anyone, they don't smile and have fun at this…" Bill: "It started with a verbal threat, 'I'll break your legs.' Very 'innocent,' I guess, if you want to say that, a parole officer telling me he's gonna break my legs." Now this is where I'd like you to remember that Bill laughed, patted Drew's arm, and pinched Drew's fucking cheek after Drew said that, so any attempt to pretend he felt threatened is just not going to fly. It's demonstrably false. "The guy's physically capable of doing it," Bill says. Well, yes, Bill. That doesn't mean he's going to. Joe chimes in: "A burly guy with a shaved head who you know works in a courthouse…" Give me a freaking break, Guido, with the revisionist history. "Two hours later," Bill continues, "he's pushing me and shoving me…" Man, I hope so. I'm sorry, but I hope so.
Back to Esquire. "Play hard, but play fair," Rob argues. "There's no need to try to sabotage other teams' efforts." Bill: "It's a sequence of violence, I feel. I think women experience this all the time." Oh, for God's sake, just when I thought Bill had bottomed out. Way to exploit actual violence to serve your own ends, you creepy-ass creep. And also, creepy-ass ass. Drew: "We want to win, and it's serious. It's for a lot of money. We want to win. But you know what? I'm going to be a gentleman while I win." Joe: "You tell us. Are our lives in danger?" And they can't even keep a straight face while they try to act afraid of Drew. Man, I hate these guys. We are in full-on Heroes And Villains mode now, particularly with the emergence of Fratilyesque, and I think you know who's who. Emily closes it out in style, explaining that Bill and Joe are "the oldest people left," and she'd expect them to have some manners. "I'm twenty-one," she says, "and I have more manners than both of them combined." She's right. Rock on with your bad non-braided self, Miss Emily.
"The temperature of the race, let's put it that way, has ratcheted up 300 degrees," Bill smirks. I can only hope it gets hot enough to cook him to a nice char.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Bad things are happening. People look unhappy, and lost, and it's crowded. Brennan's still got the visor on. There is some Rob arm footage, though, so there's that to look forward to. Nancy and Emily are crying, while Nancy asks her not to cuss. Aww. That looks bad. In other news, Karyn gets even nastier. I knew their happy moment wouldn't last.