Previously on Reality TV (Reality Sold Separately): Big castles loomed in the south of France. The racers visited Tunisia, which Phil, drawing on his limitless experience with travel, astutely described as "crowded." The insistently ground-level footage suggests it is crowded, however, primarily with feet and legs, so there should be plenty of room to wave your arms. According to Phil, "one team betrayed another," and the editing kind of suggests that Rob and Brennan betrayed Frank and Margarita. Not! I'm the first to pick on the lawyers when they need it, but the EDG breakdown is on Loud Pushy Frank's head, not Esquire's. (Some unfortunate things are on Esquire's heads, but we'll get to that.) Amie and Paul bickered, but it was nothing compared to Lenny and Karyn, who seemed destined to explore the groundbreaking legal question of whether you can obtain a very bitter divorce without actually getting married. The Frat/Momily friendship warmed hearts. The Coliseum was very confusing, and no one did a particularly adept job of navigating it. Davey and Margaretta -- grandparents, pilots, and just plain lovely folks -- were eliminated, thus dropping the total amount of class in the group to about a tenth of what it previously possessed.
Credits. Music borrowed from the upcoming film, Dante, the Crime-Fighting Pilates Instructor.
Fade up on the usual atmospheric drunken careening of cameras, this week at the Coliseum. (Not that Coliseum, this isn't Rome -- we're talking about the El-Jem Coliseum. Tunisia, people -- keep up!) Phil informs us that the Coliseum is 2,000 years old, and was once the site of battles between gladiators and lions. (Yeah, but so was the worst movie ever to win Best Picture, so don't go bragging.) Still, with all of its rich history, only now is this historical landmark fulfilling its potential by acting as a pit stop on a race around the world shown on TV. Somewhat surprisingly, we see a shot of the teams relaxing together during the twelve-hour layover. They're sort of sitting around drinking and yakking and acting like goofs -- hey, this could be an MBTV staff meeting!
This is a good time to point out something I've been meaning to mention, and it goes under the category In Fairness To Team Guido (I know, I know, try to contain your shock). In case you haven't noticed, the teams have clearly been encouraged to coordinate their clothes, at least to some degree. Momily has matching green jackets, Lenny and Karyn's black-and-blue jackets match, Paul and Amie's jackets are roughly the same color…I'm not defending the Guidos; I'm just saying they probably don't match every day in real life like total weirdos, and they just took the show's instructions to a ridiculous extreme. It doesn't excuse their entire labeled clothing line, but it's something to hang on to the time you wonder whether they've gone completely mad.
Whew. That pained me. Anyway, Phil Phills us in on the rules as he does every week, and he explains that, in this round, the first clue they have once they leave the Coliseum is a picture of a monument with the word "Tataouine" written on it. I immediately think to myself, "Wait a minute. Isn't Tattooine a Star Wars planet?" Then I think about what an uncultured buffoon I am. As thwappa-thwappa music plays, Phil tells us that this monument is 300 miles away -- in other words, Standard Amazing Race Taxi Distance. Believe it or not, Phil exposits that the two possibilities are that the teams in front will stay in front, or the teams in back will move up. Yeah, thanks, Phil. Where would I be without you?
4:02 AM. Good morning, Team Guido. They can't pronounce "Tataouine," but they're off anyway. They grab a cab, and the driver knows exactly where to go. Sigh. Disaster never strikes the Guidos. Theirs is a strange luck, born of wickedness.
4:31 AM. Team Shower-Fresh Scent gets ready to leave, and as they do, the Guidos voice-over their opinions of America's Favorite Frat Brothers. "They can surprise you every now and then," Joe snots contemptuously. "They're resourceful, they're pretty good and everything else, but here again, I think we're significantly better than they are." Yeah, so far your knowledge of French AND your intimate relationship with the streets of Paris AND your scheming AND your extensive traveling experience has netted you an overwhelming twenty-nine-minute lead, so don't break anything patting yourself on the back. Meanwhile, Drew's shiny head has a lovely glint from the bright light of the camera, and Kevin thinks "Tataouine" is from Star Wars, too. I knew he and I were best friends.
4:36 AM. Momily, ready for departure. "Behind [Drew and Kevin] are Nancy and Emily," continues Joe. As it did last week, the show is now using camera footage of other teams, but covering it with narration by the Guidos. Come on, what is this? Are we just determined to make it All About The Guidos? I'm queasy already. Anyway, Guido narration regarding Momily: "And, you know, we love 'em, but they're not too fast." Cut to Nancy, who's fallen, but in fact CAN get up. (Man, I haven't seen that joke since 1995 or so, and I'm not sure I missed it that much. Let's put it back in the steamer trunk in my attic, okay? There's room to my autographed picture of Dean Cain and my baby pictures.) They read the clue, and they get a car, but the driver is being difficult for some mysterious reason. Nancy asks him to please get this show on the road, to put it plainly. (Hey, try dealing with -- wait for it -- my bank.) Nancy voices over that she and Em are opposites, but she thinks that overall, they're doing well. As Nancy gets into the cab, the driver is chortling at them. "Now they're makin' fun of us," Nancy says with disgust. Emily comments that the guys involved with the cab service can "go screw themselves." Emily! In front of your mother?
4:49 AM. Paul and Amie. Apparently, their fifth-place finish was affected by what Phil terms "production difficulties beyond their control" (maybe their cameramen got so sick of the bickering that he refused to accompany them), so they received a time credit, and they're leaving in fourth place. Amie's pronunciation is the best to date -- she says something along the lines of, "Tata-ow-you-een." She says that she's nervous, and so her stomach is "a little upset." Welcome to Amie's Fun Fun World Of Wild Understatement -- be sure to ride our star attraction, the Nauseator.
5:03 AM. Team Danza opens the clue. As they walk toward the cab, Frank explains to us that the two of them "had the dreaded relationship discussion" last night. Yack yack, Frank wants to think strategy and Margarita just wants to talk about looooooove. She finds it frustrating, and she says they haven't reached any final conclusions about what they're eventually going to do.
5:22 AM. Buenos dias, Rob y Brennan. Rob, still in the green lumpy parka. (Get this boy a new coat, because this one reminds me of boys I knew in tenth grade. All he needs is a Trapper Keeper and a tenor saxophone, and he'll be right on target.) Brennan? Well, at least he's not wearing a visor, and that's a good start. They do look a little doofy running down the street away from the Coliseum, but I think that has to do with the weight of the packs, which forces them to run as if they desperately need to find the bathroom. Or maybe they do, who knows? They comment that they're in sixth place, "which at this point, is second to last." You gotta love a mathematician.
5:43 AM. Lenny and Karyn take off, while Rob and Brennan continue voicing over that they're afraid that the Bunching will not occur this week, and they'll get hosed because they've lost leads so many times and now they might not have a chance to catch up. The boys refer to the Bunching as "an equalizing spot," which is more accurate than "bunching," actually, but isn't as funny to my fingers when I'm typing it. Anyway, Rob and Brennan are the Big Bunching-Noticers. (That sounds dirty and uncomfortable -- it's entirely innocent, I assure you.)
Karyn says she makes no apologies for the person she is, and certainly I'm in agreement with her there. No point in apologizing for your personality. She tells us she's "bossy," and "likes things done a certain way -- preferably [her] own way." I write this down in permanent marker so that I don't forget. I certainly hadn't previously noticed. Then -- and here's an interesting anecdote -- Lenny tells the tale of a conversation he had with Karyn's mom, when he and Karyn had "first started dating." ["It's worth noting that, before he can even get word one of the story out, Karyn warns him that he'd better get it right." -- Sars] Mom Karyn apparently told Lenny, "You have a lot of work in front of you. It's not gonna be easy." Now that's a bad story. Your mom can say that to your husband, once she knows him like family. But your boyfriend when you've "first started dating?" No. That's unfortunate.
Sunrise. Amie is dreaming (and even singing a little) about winning a million dollars. Paul explains in an interview that this will be enough to give her the wedding she wants, which involves getting married on the beach. (Excuse me, but isn't getting married on the beach cheaper than most options? Are you buying the sand and spreading it yourself?) Team Cockroach is clearly getting a buzz from its newfound success, because this is the first time they've looked really happy. In the cab, Paul teases Amie about wedding matters by saying, "I'm telling you, Vegas ain't that bad." She affectionately elbows him, and they both grin. Awwww. I'm going all soft on Cockroach.
Shower-Fresh Cab. "You got a good look at this, chief, or what?" Kevin says to Drew, holding up the picture of Tataouine. You know, there was some speculation when Drew kept calling Chief Mukuni "Chief" ("Here are the zebra, Chief") that perhaps it was extra-funny because these are the kind of guys who call people "chief" all the time anyway, so to those who wondered about that, here is your proof. It's like Shower-Fresh is reading our minds. Drew assures Kevin that he did see the picture. "It's a globe," he says impatiently.
Guido and the Shower-Fresh boys are approaching Tataouine at approximately the same time, and the Guidos get there first, by a tiny bit. They hop out of their cab as Drew and Kev approach and see them. Drew and Kevin try to hide (which I think shows that the Guidos have exposed their overconfidence as their soft vulnerable underbelly), but the Guidos see them. "Christ, here's the fatties!" a Guido hisses (Joe, I think).
Let me pause to just say…"the fatties?" Look, whether you think that's unacceptably mean or not, there's one thing that can't be argued with -- it's hideously lame and witless. The targets here are Kevin and Drew. Haven't the Guidos met these guys? Seen them? They're big bald guys from New York who talk with the silliest affectations since Fonzie, and the Guidos can't think of anything except "fatties"? "FATTIES"? Sheesh. I can forgive a lot of things, but not an utter lack of wit. Ugh. For anybody who's been wondering why the Guidos' popularity has plummeted, this is part of it, and this is what makes them completely different from Big Brother Will and, to a lesser degree, Richard Hatch -- they're no fun to watch, because they have no sense of humor about themselves. A sense of humor about yourself is right up on my list of admirable qualities; a good sport is just about my favorite thing. It's a crucial quality, in fact, right up there with the ability to appreciate the inherent hilarity of the Pop-Tart, which I am also helpless to resist. (The quality, that is, not the Pop-Tart.) (Actually, I'm helpless to resist both.) (Have I lost control of this paragraph?) At any rate, the Guidos collect the detour clue and take off, with Joe driving. Bill tells him not to speed. Yeah, thanks, Mom. I'll be home before curfew and I won't kiss on the first date.
Drew and Kev pick up the detour, and now Phil explains it. It's tough to figure out this week, because everybody chose the same option, but the deal seems to be that there's a choice between a difficult game at an easy-to-find location and an easy game at a difficult-to-find location (which is, after all, the usual setup). The easy game (which is called "Puzzling") is a puzzle that looks like it might be sort of like Go, and the hard game (which is called "Listening") involves taking a walkie-talkie and talking into it while you hunt around for the one that connects to it. I'm not even getting into the preposterousness of asking some of these teams to consider an activity called "Listening," nor am I going to pause to wonder at the fact that all seven teams chose to do that particular activity. In the area of topics I am going to spend time on, however, I can report that the place where you play walkie-talkies was used as a Star Wars set (thus Tattooine is not a coincidence), so Kevin and I aren't as nutty as we might seem. Finding the location of either game requires use of an SUV, for which you can hire a driver for fifty bucks or drive yourself. As usual, hired drivers are not navigators.
Drew and Kev decide to hire a driver. "Let him drive!" Drew calls. "What the hell am I driving around here for?" Once they're in the cab, Drew is trying to figure out what they're doing, and Kevin says, "Everybody calm down one second." Obviously, Kevin has not talked to Bruckheimer, who would probably sue everyone for breach of contract if anybody involved in this hyperkinetic weirdfest actually calmed down.
Meanwhile, Momily meets the monument. (If I were any more functionally alliterate, this would be a Six Feet Under recap.) Apparently, their evil driver at least got them where they needed to go. At just about the same time, here comes Team Cockroach. Cockroach and Momily collaborate about what to do, agreeing that they can't figure out where the Puzzling thing would be, and thus settling on the Listening, as have Kevin and Drew. Team Danza comes up right behind this little group.
When they're settled into their SUV and trying to get going, Momily has a few initial navigational difficulties, which make Emily clench her fingers in frustration. Man, Emily, get rid of the braids. You look like you've left twelve bald Pippi Longstockings in your wake.
In the Shower-Fresh Cab, Drew says to the driver, "So, you have walkie-talkie?" No response. "You have our walkie-talkie?" asks Kev, making what I guess he considers to be the international hand signal for "walkie-talkie," which, with the waggling fingers, looks a little like the international hand signal for Look Out Look Out A Spider With Lots Of Legs Is Coming For You. "Is this guy supposed to be talking to us, or what?" Drew wonders, and Kevin replies, "I don't think he's talking to us at all."
Margarita and Loud Pushy Frank jump on board the Danza-mobile, in which they're driving themselves. Margarita is having a little trouble with the map. "We're lost already," LPFrank complains helpfully. Team Guido is also making its way toward the walkie-talkie game, with Joe in the driver's seat.
At the walkie-talkie site, which is called Ksar Hadada, Kevin and Drew are the first to arrive. (Wooooo!) They grab the first walkie-talkie and start yakking into it. "Check, check," Drew check-checks. Reading aloud from the description of the task, Kevin refers to "the caves which lie ahead." He gestures in front of them and repeats, "Lie ahead." It's hard to explain, and quite possible that you had to be there, but it was funny. Speaking of those caves, I'm not sure how to describe the locale, except to say that if you picture a series of side-by-side light-brown clay-looking buildings, each with many little rooms, all arranged in a large maze so that there are doors pointing in all directions, you might be close. Phil refers to "hundreds of tiny chambers," and that's probably okay, too. What you need to know is that there's a lot of wandering around to be done before you can find anything, and conducting an organized, methodical search won't be easy. The idea of this particular game is that when you're talking into one walkie-talkie, you can hear yourself coming over the other one, so if you follow your own echo, you'll find it.
Drew keeps check-checking, and this is the first time we're told that Drew is a cop of some sort. (I'm told he's a court officer, actually. Which is not to say he's not a cop; I'm just clarifying what kind.) They keep wandering and talking. Just as it occurs to me that what they need to do is stop walking around together and have Drew stand in one place and talk while Kevin walks around and listens, Kevin suggests this very thing. Kevin and I think alike. I should call people "jackass" more often. ["I could not agree more." -- Sars] Furthermore, Drew starts blowing into the walkie-talkie instead of speaking into it, and the blowing creates a more constant, static sound that I'm thinking might be easier to hear than talking, and which furthermore doesn't create distracting noise at the point of the person doing it. Anyway, their method works, and they finish the mission. Drew also uses his special magic walkie-talkie knowledge to note that when he heard interference, he knew they were close. Actually, I think I could have come up with that. Maybe I should be a cop. Maybe I already am a cop! I'm just so far undercover that even I don't know about me.
Here come the Guidos. They seem to get stuck for a minute because they just walk up to the guy at the entrance and haughtily demand their walkie-talkie, instead of looking for it. (I wouldn't have minded if they'd asked the guy if he had it, like Shower-Fresh did in the car -- it's the way they say, "Our walkie-talkie?" like they're ordering around their personal butler.) Man, I bet they walk into fine restaurants and demand that someone chew their food for them, too. Meanwhile, Kevin and Drew, who've just finished the Listening task, hear the Guidos coming. When Joe and Bill do find the you-know-what (I am already SO sick of typing "walkie-talkie," I can't even tell you), they head for the maze. Drew and Kev hear them, though, and are afraid that if the Guidos see them, they'll know where to go (the second W-T is back in the same place for each team, so where Shower-Fresh ended up is the same place Guido is supposed to end up). "I heard Bert and Ernie yapping it up outside the gate," Kevin says. Hee. I'm always up for a Sesame Street joke. Switch to Drew: "We climbed over rooftops to make them think that the walkie-talkie might be somewhere on some rooftop." Kevin works at being conspicuous. "I want them to see me," he explains. "HOW DO WE GET DOWN FROM HERE?" he hollers, so the Guidos can't miss him. Meanwhile, said Guidos are trying to make the first W-T work.
As he and Drew leave, Kevin explains that his diabolical plan was to keep the Guidos from being able to figure out where to go based on where they saw Drew and Kev emerge. Back to the maze, where Joe, playing directly into the hands of Team Shower-Fresh Scent, says, "You know, when the fatties got theirs, they got them over here someplace, I think." Ha! You're a tool, Joe. A tool and a pawn, and let's see you play some violins now, buster. Furthermore, if that ain't the Fattie Karma biting you in the ass, I don't know what it is. Meanwhile, in the Shower-Fresh Cab, Kevin says, "I hope they bought that whole thing." Drew: "I mean, when they start climbin' roofs right off the bat…" Kevin: "What do you think, did they buy it?"
Nice editing brings us a lovely shot of the butts of the Guidos. What are they doing? Climbing roofs right off the bat. Fans everywhere jump up and cheer. "They [Kevin and Drew] were up on the roof," Bill says in a way he believes to be clever. (Now THIS, I would point out, constitutes "playing people like violins.") thing you know, here's Joe, trying to climb down from the roof. He has a raging wedgie, his natty Bill-matching pants are pinching the hell out of him, and Bill, on the ground, is awkwardly trying to grab his butt in a way that does more harm than good. Eventually, Joe drops down and Bill says, "Good job, good job." Yeah, no kidding. Great job letting gravity have its way with you! Woooo! As they go back to looking for the W-T, Joe encourages Bill to "sing 'Happy Birthday' or something."
Brilliant cut to Team Shower-Fresh, clapping and enjoying the music the driver is playing in their SUV. Hee! "We're in first place, and we're not giving it up," Drew voices over.
Esquire cab. Rob's got the damn hat on. Hey, Rob! Lose! The! Hat! In spite of the fact that there's nothing necessarily wrong with the hat itself…it bothers me. Why is that? Ah, I'll figure it out. "This is an amazingly difficult game to play," says Rob's voice. "It's just about taking the task at hand and getting it done as best you can, just like any competition." This Rob moment is once again taken from that interview, mentioned in the recap, in which his shades are upside down on top of his head. Stop, Rob, stop! Put DOWN the sunglasses! Way to work in Bruckheimer's theme of "amazingness," though.
Lenny and Karyn. Their driver puts air in the tires. And he's really, really slow. No, like REALLY slow. At least, that's the impression you get from the way they're imploring him to go faster. It sounds like this: "Go faster." "Go faster." "Can’t you go faster?" "Go faster." "Go faster." Man, I bet that Karyn is a hit at parties.
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Karyn says that sometimes, she and Lenny fight so much that they can't get anything done. Well, she doesn't put it that way. She puts it in terms of "focusing on what's going on between the two of you" versus "concentrating on what's ahead," but what she means is that they're fighting too much to do a good job in the race, and she's right. In the cab, they look very, very unhappy.
As the Shangri-Las would say…oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Joe is freaking COUNTING in FRENCH into the WALKIE-TALKIE. I swear, somebody is feeding Joe insufferability pills. He then switches to Japanese, not that I would have known without the help of the forums. (Thanks, forums!) Insufferable Joe finds the W-T, and I'm actually glad, because that means that I don’t have to hear him attempt Pig Latin or COBOL.
Once they leave the W-T game, the teams have to use a map and compass to navigate to a flag in the middle of the Sahara desert. There are some yellow rocks along the way to guide them, but we're not told exactly how the yellow rocks work. I have a feeling the rocks are along one side of the road in the direction they're supposed to be headed. Phil says that one wrong turn could leave the teams "lost in this brutal wasteland." Thanks, Phil. You're quite the barrel of laughs this week.
The sun beats down.
Shower-Fresh. Kevin and Drew aren't finding the yellow stones. Drew: "Everything's yellow here, it's sand! It's the desert!" Snerk. Meanwhile, in the Cockroach car, Paul and Amie are still looking for the W-T game, and Amie is in the back seat, puking her guts up into a plastic bag. I guess she got tired of complaining and needed to hork up something more tangible. "Are you sure you're all right?" he asks her. "[Retch, retch, hork,]" Amie responds. "Just keep drivin'." While Paul and Amie are stopped, Nancy and Emily come upon them, and Emily runs over to check in. She compares notes -- or rather the lack of notes -- with Paul, as Amie hacks in the background. When she returns to her mom, Emily says, "Amie's throwin' up." "Ohhhhhh, bless her heart," Nancy says. Awww. Nancy is nice. Although I'm not sure that in the Mom Playbook, "Bless her heart" is for throwing up. I think that one is for Amie sending Nancy flowers or something. I think "poor baby" is for throwing up. Maybe Nancy's sensors are a little off.
Status update. Drew and Kevin are ahead, followed by Team Guido. In the middle are Momily, Team Cockroach, and Team Danza. Bringing up the rear are Team Esquire and Lenny and Karyn. (Lenny and Karyn are officially the last team without a nickname. How did that happen?)
Esquire gets to the monument and notices that there are only a couple of trucks left, so they know they're not doing too well. Lenny and Karyn show up, which Brennan laments, making use of a gratuitous "dude," which is a five-point penalty in the Miss Alli Scoring System. (Motto: "Yes, There Are Rules, And Number One Is That The Ultimate Arbiter Is My Whim.") Specifically, Brennan says, "Lenny and Karyn are already here, dude." "I don’t understand how," Rob grumbles. Let me take a guess, "dude": by car, same as you. But don't quote me. Aaaanyway, Esquire gets the clue and hires the driver. Lenny and Karyn do the same. She, as usual, puts it on him to decide what to do. Everybody's doing the W-T game.
Here come Momily and Cockroach. They pile out and start looking. (Note that it looks here like they're doing the W-T game at the same time, but I think that in fact each team has to wait for a turn, because I don't think they actually go simultaneously. I'm going with the flow of the edits, though.) Nancy almost clotheslines herself, and Paul starts nattering, "Amie, Amie, Amie, Amie," into the W-T. Damn, that is really annoying, Paul. It's worse than Rob's glasses, and that is saying a lot. Meanwhile, Frank and Margarita show up, and Frank starts "blah blah blah"-ing into his W-T in a singsong-y way, wearing a black-and-white patterned scarf on his head. Paul mentions to Amie that he feels stupid just saying her name into the W-T (thank God), and she tells him to "just talk, have a conversation." "Okay. How's it goin'?" he says. "Not with me!" she exasperates, and there's the Blamie (tm Abigail Steeplechase) we know and love. Actually, in fairness, that was damn funny, so I shouldn't complain.
Drew and Kevin, in their car, sharing the backseat. "Forget the seatbelt," Kevin advises, as Drew -- ever the cop -- tries to buckle up for what's turning into a pretty wild ride. "Your ass is just way too fat for me to get this in," Drew gripes. "Forget it, it's not going in," Kevin snaps. "It's not going in. It will not go in." Somewhere, Mike "Mind of the Married Moron" Binder makes a note to steal this dialogue, because it's about as subtle as what he writes. Actually, it's almost too subtle for him.
Momily finds the W-T and takes off. Cockroach does the same. Amie comments that she and Paul were "so adamant about getting out there and hurrying up" that they just started driving without knowing where they were going. This was a bad idea, as we're soon going to find out. We've also seen this before, you'll remember -- the lesson? Figure out where you're going before you take off. It's the "measure twice, cut once" of traveling.
Frank is still "blah blah blah"-ing. He and Margarita find the W-T, grab the clue, and scoot just as Lenny and Karyn come in. Lenny and Karyn now have the conversation that stands for their entire relationship thus far, at least as it's been seen on the show. He's quietly saying, "Hello? Hello?" into the W-T, while she keeps saying, "You're supposed to use the walkie-talkie, Lenny! You're supposed to use the walkie-talkie!" Saying it is one thing, but she manages to say it in the same accusatory and whiny way we've seen so many times before. He turns around and finally offers it to her. "Here, here!" he says. "Go ahead, go ahead!" she answers, "Come on!" You know, speaking of "come on," come on, Karyn. Take the W-T and do it yourself, or lay the hell off. This is not a good pattern they have going here.
The Guidos are talking about how they're fine with being in second place (which is SUCH a lie). "The only other thing," they say, apparently not having paid attention at the last pit stop, "is what happened to Brennan and Rob?"
Speaking of whom, here are the boys now. And the hat. They pick up their W-T and start looking. I have to say that Rob and Brennan proceed to do a rather poor job of looking for the W-T, with way too much climbing around to peek in corners where, if the W-T was in there, they'd be able to hear it talking back to them. Geez, I'm spending way too much time analyzing strategy. I need to take up needlepoint.
Karyn finds the W-T. Thank goodness another Lenny/Karyn misadventure has come to an end. They're off.
Esquire is wandering aimlessly. For whatever reason, they don't seem to be chattering constantly into the W-T the way they should be. Did they not get the game? It kinda makes a girl wonder.
In their cab, Lenny and Karyn stare at each other grimly. Finally, he raises a cheerless palm to her, and she high-fives him. Well, she sort of weak-fives him. You can try to pull something nice out of that, but I'm unable to. It looks sad to me.
The lawyers are still kinda roaming around, and still not chattering. TALK! INTO! THE! WALKIE-TALKIE! WALK! TALK! THUS THE NAME! What is with these guys, anyway?
Nancy and Emily are bickering as they drive, but they're doing okay. Mom is looking for stones, Emily's looking at the compass. Or so it appears.
More Esquire madness. Now at least Brennan has the W-T, and he's talking into it. "Hello? Hello? Hello?" Yeah, no kidding. That's what I've been yelling to you guys for quite a while now.
Kevin and Drew come across what looks like a little store out in the middle of the desert. Drew goes in to look around and see if there's a route marker, and there isn't. As he exits, though, he calls out, "Oh, geez, look at the size of these spiders! Holy mackerel!" (Does anybody say "holy mackerel" anymore? I mean, except Batman, when he sees some sort of fish-related felony being committed? ["My dad does, but that really proves your point." -- Sars]) He sort of delicately dances across what I guess is a spider-infested stretch of sand until he approaches the car. "Kev, I don't see anything except huge, huge, huge spiders!" Kevin thinks it's a sign that they're supposed to get going. Hee!
In a rather shocking Danza moment, Margarita points out to LPFrank that she's right about something, and he pauses to listen to her. "Look at me, just relax," she says calmly, and he does. Okay, I’m reporting this to the authorities, because something is unbalancing Loud Pushy Frank's personality. Well, you know, "unbalancing" in the sense of "balancing." Frank explains that it's about "two people cooperating." Margarita explains in an interview that she and The Frank Formerly Known As Loud And Pushy are "learning how to be teammates instead of, you know, rivals, because it's really easy to become rivals in a relationship." That's an interesting point, actually.
We join a Guido-fight already in progress. "The point is, is that you are going too fast," Bill says. "I've said it about ten times, please be careful, we don't want to hurt the car. This is our only transportation. Slow. Very slow." Joe: "Be quiet. Stop telling me to go slow, okay? Do me a favor." Bill: "No. I'll tell you to go slow when I think you're not safe." Joe: "God, what a nervous Nellie!" Bill: "I'm sorry, Joey, I just, I was helping." Joe: "I know that, Bill, but [blah dee blah unintelligible]." At this point, Bill reaches forward from the back seat and starts rubbing his fingers through Joe's hair, chuckling and saying in this very exaggerated and goofy way, "Oh, you're doing a beautiful job." If I didn't hate these guys so much, that would have been really cute and funny, but I can't stop flashing back on bad acts. "We intimidated the other teams by speaking French" comes to mind. Joe has to ruin it, of course, by going on to point out that slowing down and being safe are different. Whatever, Joe. Bill, trying to improve the mood inside the Guido-car, randomly says that it's a "beautiful desert trip," and amen to that. "Thank you," says Joe snippily, and Bill laughs.
Lawyers, still doing the W-T circular shuffle. I'm starting to worry about the boys, here. Finally! Finally! They find it and get going. In an interview, Brennan points out that they were forty minutes behind everybody else by this point. (Oh, nooo! What, am I supposed to ogle Frank?) In the same interview, Rob's hair says, "I have hat-head or bed-head, or possibly I am on strike." (Okay, the hair doesn't say this out loud, but the message is clear.) The Esquires at least have the self-awareness to say that they were "running around like a couple of idiots." Umm…yeah, kind of. Better be good with the compass, boys, or it's Team Ex-squire for you.
Commercials. Mmmm, zero percent financing.
Kevin and Drew find the route marker, which has an arrow under it pointing off the road. "What do you think that arrow means?" Kevin asks. "I don't know, but I gotta pee here, so I might as well pee right here by the route marker." Marker, indeed. Lots of banter about "stupid" and "Drew is a dumb-ass," and Drew is doing the Unzipping-And-Peeing Shuffle for about six steps forward. These guys are a traveling road show of unparalleled proportion, I'll tell you that. "Watch for spitting cobras!" Drew says as he endeavors to relieve himself in the desert. "There's the flag, you idiot!" Kevin yells, taking off at a run. Drew follows, still doing some adjusting of body and clothing. Turns out there are a couple of arrows that lead you off the road, so the boys have to go get back in the SUV.
Lenny and Karyn, talking about "the last yellow rock." It's very hard to follow, but they're not doing too well.
Margarita is trying to figure out how to use a compass. She has the red needle lined up with the N, and now she's trying to figure out what that means. "How does that indicate where we're going?" she asks. Eek! How do you explain that from the front seat where Frank is? When the red needle is on the N, the compass reflects, you know, the actual state of things, Margarita! Even I know that, and all I ever did in Brownies was learn to make rock paperweights and administer CPR.
Lenny and Karyn pass Frank and Margarita going the opposite direction. Hard to know for whom that's bad news, because they're both having bad days, basically. "[Frank and Margarita] already came from this way," Karyn says in a guarded tone. "What the hell is going on?" No kidding. This whole sequence is hard to figure out, in terms of whether teams are doing what they should be doing. The information with which we're provided needs something right along here, but I'm not sure what it is. I may need a map and a compass myself.
Esquire. They find the same little roadside building Kev and Drew found, and they look for a flag, too. None is evident.
Over at Team Cockroach, Paul is berating Amie for being sick. Sad, but true. "Can you hold the compass, or you can't do that?" he asks, as she tries not to throw up again. He explains about lining up the red needle and the N, and then he makes all sorts of comments about whether she can "figure that out" or whether it's "too hard." Sort of unkind, there, Paul. I'm not sure he can see how green around the gills she really is.
Momily. "We haven't seen a yellow stone in maahles and maahles," Nancy drawls, "so we're starting to get kind of anxious about that, but every now and then up here we catch a reflection, and we think that's the reflection of someone else's vehicle." This last word, of course, is pronounced vee-hicle, with the "h" hit as hard as heck.
"Who's behind us?" Joe snots. "This is, um…Emily and Nancy?" Bill, a little slow, says, "Can you see a car?"
Kevin and Drew spot the route marker, and their ride turns especially uneven as they approach. "Easy, easy…shake and bake, baby," Drew comments as he's tossed around the car. A group of locals and camels await the Shower-Fresh boys as they pull up to the marker. "Stop, stop, stop," Drew says to the driver. "Drew, one time, he can hear you," Kevin admonishes. Well, well, well, isn't this a reversal of fortunes for Kevin, who once wanted to yell impatiently while Drew tried to be "affable and friendly"? Drew grabs the envelope for this week's roadblock, which offers, as always, a clue as to which team member should take on the task. "Who wants to go for a ride?" it says. The boys go back and forth a little, and Kevin agrees that he'll take on this week's challenge. When they open the complete directions, they learn that the challenge is to ride a camel to a flag "flying in the distance," for which they're given a particular compass reading. The catch? "The player who doesn't ride must walk alongside you." So, basically, the person who does not perform the task (which is the riding) has what's actually the much harder job of leading the camel and walking in the desert. Very diabolical on the part of the producers, and it's interesting to wonder whether they did this to foil some of the teams that have leaned heavily on one member (like Momily, where Emily has performed every roadblock so far, or Danza, where Frank has done them all).
Drew says that he supposes they already chose who was going to do it, although he doesn't "want to walk along here with the scorpions." To prepare for the walk, Drew ties his trusty yellow hanky over his face. Phil voices-over that temperatures are "soaring over 100 degrees," which looks pretty bad, since all these folks have been in their coats for the last few days. In the newest version of "to spend fifty bucks or not to spend fifty bucks," the teams have the option to hire a "camel handler" to help control the camel, or to just try to self-wrangle it. Approaching the waiting camels and wranglers, Kevin remarks, "This doesn't look like an English-speaking crowd up here, and they're gonna tell me to get on a camel." Nevertheless, as he approaches and says "Hello" and asks about the camel, he gets a "yeah, yeah" back. "One camel," Drew orders, right at home, just like he's getting a pepperoni pizza. "All right, very good," Kevin reassures himself as he sizes up the transportation. As Kevin climbs on, Drew asks him, "And you know what to do?" "Well, uh, no," Kevin says plainly. At this juncture, the camel loudly makes a comment that I think is best reproduced as "Mwaaaaaaa." This camel clearly needs an agent, because his comic timing is impeccable. Kev: "He's not happy. Not a happy camel." As soon as the camel stands up, Kevin can see the flag. It's frankly not very far. Thus, rather than using the compass readings, you can just kinda aim for the flag, which isn't as interesting. As Drew scampers off, Kevin calls him back, pointing out that Shecky the Comedy Camel, who is not scheduled to share in the million dollars, is surprisingly uninterested in walking toward the flag. Drew tells him to "steer" Shecky like a horse. Shecky's all, "Do I look like Mr. Ed to you?" Drew grabs the rope around Shecky's neck. "Gimme this thing, you're an idiot. You never rode a horse before?" Shecky continues to resist. "You see?" Kevin retorts. "He's gonna let you do it now, huh?"
Somewhere, Karyn and Lenny stop their SUV. It's hard to tell, as I've already said, exactly what's going on with the driving around, but the long and the short of it is that these two are figuring out that they're not where they need to be, and Karyn blames Lenny. That certainly is quite a surprise. In what I can only sadly describe as her usual way, she passive-aggressives over the situation by agreeing to do what Lenny thinks they should do, while making it clear that he's responsible for what happens to them now. Lenny's voice-over says that he wants them to "stay in a positive frame of mind." If he can show me one time during this race when he and Karyn have been in a positive frame of mind, perhaps the word "stay" will make more sense.
Team Danza pulls up to talk to a guy along the road. Margarita's French comes in handy again as they ask for directions.
Somewhere, Paul notices that there are people "out in the middle of nowhere" in the desert -- you know, people who live and work in the country he's visiting -- who he opines "have gotta be crazy." Paul then pauses to think, and says, "I gotta be crazy, I'm sittin' here in the middle of the desert, drivin' around in circles." Amie hops out to ask a guy for directions, and presumably because he at least tries to help her, she manages not to yell at him about how it is that he doesn't know where things are, as she did with the woman in Zambia in the first episode.
Back in the temporarily halted Danza-mobile, Margarita continues with the French, and is told that where she and LPFrank are is the "deep south." Mmm, mint juleps.
As Kevin rides the camel, he comments to the walking Drew, "Eh, you got screwed on this one, huh?" Walking Drew replies, "Oh, did I get screwed! I get screwed on every one. Carry the torch, burn my arm, walk a camel with you sittin' on top of it…" Kevin breaks in. "You know what I want to know? Is how in the hell am I gonna get down from here?" The sun beats down. "Drew, come on, it's gettin' hot up here," Kevin says, wanting Drew to move Shecky along to the oasis. "I'm gonna kill you when you get offa this thing," Drew replies. Finally, they make it to the flag, and Drew pulls down on the rope so that Kevin can get down from the camel. They get a new compass reading and instructions to find another flag flying over the "oasis campground." Said campground, we are Philled in, is the pit stop of the week. Last team in is a rotten egg.
Drew and Kevin continue to gripe at each other as they get the camel back up on its feet. This time, there's no visual contact, so I suppose they actually have to use the compass. Imagine that.
Esquire. As we come up on them in the car, I suddenly realize why I object to this damn hat Rob is still wearing. It's because this trip, and these guys in particular, are begging for a beat-up Indiana Jones fedora. If Rob, in this shot, were wearing a beat-up Indiana Jones fedora instead of this goofy little garden-party let's-go-on-a-safari thing, suffice it to say that the situation would be completely different. There's nothing wrong with the hat itself, exactly; it's just the simple economics of opportunity costs. I feel better understanding this. It's the small things in life, really.
Fer cryin' out loud, did I just write a whole paragraph about this hat? I desperately need a life. Anyway, under the hat is Rob, looking at the map. In an interview (thankfully, not the one with the upside-down sunglasses), he explains that they knew they were in last place, and that things were looking grim, so they somehow sort of went for broke with the compass. I don’t know exactly how that's accomplished, actually, but it looks like it involved committing to a direction and going as fast as they could, rather than constantly checking and re-checking their progress.
Paul is still badgering Amie about her learned helplessness. "You don’t want to read the map," he moans. "Hon, there's no map to read," she says defeatedly. "Look at the map. You tell me you can read that map. Go for it." He says, "Well, at least help me with the compass." Unfortunately, without the ability to understand the map, the compass isn't going to be that much good to you, Paul. Amie loses it. "We've been north, we've been south, we've been east, we've been west, where the fuck do you want to go?" she demands. (She may have said "where the vug do you want to go," of course, because that particular word was given the silent-bleep, and all I can do is read her lips. I don’t mean to jump to conclusions.)
Joe and Bill find the route marker with the arrow. They bicker about their packs. Boy, the Guidos are either being edited very differently than before, or they're starting to show signs of the strain, because they're much snippier with each other than we've ever seen. "I'm tired of everybody right now," Bill gripes. "Everything we do is wrong," Joe gripes. Bill needs to go to the bathroom.
Drew and Kev, cameling. "I got sand in my eyes, I can't see a thing," Walking Drew complains. Riding Kevin starts with the "oh, God, oh, God," and Drew tells him to "shut up up there."
Paul asks Amie whether she's even looking for a yellow flag, and she says she is, but it's pretty clear that she's mostly looking at the bottom of her barf bag. Well, and…you know, whatever's in there. Eeeeew.
Shecky, Kevin, and Drew. "Keep goin' straight," Kevin encourages. "I'm tryin', buddy, I'm tryin'," Drew replies. (Hey, Shecky's trying, too, but do you see him getting any credit?) They see the oasis, and they see that there's a party going on. "They're doin' dances for us," Kevin remarks, "they're singin', they're dancin', and I’m gonna get hit in the eye with these things up here if you don't -- oof!" (No, really, he says "oof.") Kevin is suddenly in some trees. "Duck!" Drew yells, a little late. "'Duck!'" Kevin repeats contemptuously. "You're a jackass." "I'm a jackass," Drew repeats. "I got us all the way here, but I’m a jackass." They land at the oasis, and Drew manages to get the camel to sit down so Kevin can climb off. Welcome, Team Shower-Fresh, you are Team Number One! Woo hoo! "First place, brother," Drew says, high-fiving Kevin. "Nobody's gonna stop us on this thing, nobody's gonna stop us."
Frank and Margarita are despairing, because they've been driving a heck of a long time and they're not seeing yellow rocks anymore. She comments that they've "made a lot of wrong turns," and they're just hoping somebody else did, too.
Commercials. Weekly plug for Wolf Lake, but this week they're not promoting nudity. Does that mean the wolves are wearing clothes now?
Joe and Bill are at the camels, and Joe climbs aboard. (No, no, he climbs aboard a CAMEL. Sheesh.) They hire a camel handler. (Of course they do. They're the big spenders.) Meanwhile, Nancy congratulates Momily's driver on getting them to the marker as well. Faced with the "who wants to go for a ride" question, once again, the team picks Emily -- so, as stated above, this time Nancy has to do most of the work. It's too bad, because Nancy could've definitely handled the camel.
Lenny and Karyn are lost, as are Paul and Amie. Lenny and Karyn, in particular, look like they can't stand each other. Paul comments that "this is how [he and Amie] always get in last place. Something to do with directions and driving. Two retards." He studies the map, and Amie leans over his shoulder, trying not to throw up. Unfortunately, Paul's got that "I've got nothin'" look on his face, and Amie slumps back into the back seat and loses the battle against tossing her cookies again.
Team Guido. "There's only seven teams, we're the first ones here," Joe deduces from something apparently misleading. "The fatties got lost." He just could not be more pleased with himself. "Sure looks like it," Bill agrees, equally self-satisfied.
In The Best Reality TV Edit Of All Time, Now And Forevermore, we cut directly to Kevin and Drew, dancing and laughing at the oasis, soaking up the hospitality, and basically having a hell of a time. No matter who wins, this week is the week of Go To Hell, Guidos, and it couldn't happen to a more deserving team, if you ask me.
Momily finds the clue. "Oh, gosh," Nancy despairs, obviously getting pretty warm from the camel-accompanying. "We have to walk more."
A-ha, here's Team Esquire, making up time indeed, as they find the route marker ahead of Danza, Lenny/Karyn, or Cockroach. In a surprising twist, neither of them expresses the need to pee. Rob takes on the ride. You know, for all my complaints about these guys, they have this going for them: They don't have long battles over who's going to do what. They read the clue, and they decide. "You want it?" "Sure, I'll do it." "Okay." Rob climbs on the camel and observes, "These things [camels] are not designed for the male anatomy. Family jewels? Not havin' fun." Dude! Rob needs First Aid, and the line forms on the left. Ahem. Sorry.
Paul and Amie appear to be stuck in the sand, AND Amie is still puking. "I can't listen to you be sick, I’m sorry," he tells her. "I don’t care about this game anymore," he says, and she throws up some more.
Team Guido at the oasis. Joe yells in an unforgivably demanding tone, at the guy I guess was their camel handler, for him to get over there and help Joe get down. Given that Drew just pulled down on the rope to get the camel to sit, Joe is hardly trapped, but he still yells like he's in a panic. I think what we all need is a Guido handler, is what I think. That would SO be worth fifty bucks. The guy comes over and helps, and the Guidos finally run over toward the finish line. They step on the mat, raising their arms in victory. They do not, however, say "Team Guido, reporting for duty," as they so often do, so at least we have that to be thankful for. "You are team number two," the guy tells them. It's hard to tell whether they'd figured out by then that somebody was ahead of them, because Bill keeps it up with the "Yay!" looking totally unfazed, and Joe leans forward like he might be shocked, but he might be just leaning. They both might be pretending not to be shocked. Bill wraps an arm around Joe, says "Good job!" and gives him a big smooch on the cheek, which is kinda cute.
Momily lands third. "Three is great!" Emily enthuses, looking tired but not disappointed. Kevin comes toward them. "I am so happy for you guys," he says, wrapping an arm around each. "Way to go." Drew comes over. "I knew it!" he says. "Another team comin' in, I said, 'That's our girls comin' in, I know it, I know it.'" Kevin: "Look at Nancy! She knows how to walk a camel, all right." Now THERE is an original compliment. Frat/Momily hugs and celebrates, while the Guidos, staying cool in the shade, pout in private.
Lenny and Karyn miraculously locate the route marker.
Rob, camel, binoculars, no hat. Nice shot, and that's all I'm saying.
Frank and Margarita find the marker, too.
Lenny and Karyn. She's griping at him, he's griping at her, and yakkety yak yak. "Come on, they're right behind us, Lenny," she says, apparently referring to Team Danza. Karyn manages to get on the camel in a bossy manner, which takes some doing. Margarita opens the clue and quickly offers to take the ride. Karyn encourages Lenny to lead the camel in the right direction. Margarita climbs aboard, with Frank very calmly telling her he's right behind her and not to worry. Obviously, someone has stolen the Loud Pushy Frank that would usually be served here and replaced him with Folgers Crystals.
Esquire. Welcome, you are number four. This is nice for them, because they started the day in sixth. Good day for the lawyers. "What a comeback, dude!" Rob comments. "We were so far behind all day long, I thought we were dead." Brennan finishes the day with the hat, however, so he's the big loser in that department.
Lenny/Karyn and Team Danza are in a race for what I'm not sure they realize are the last two safe spots. Essentially, this sequence consists of very slow camel-leading, in which Danza catches up to Lenny and Karyn. I have to say that Danza seems to be doing a very good job of working together this week, much to my surprise. Maybe the "relationship discussion," combined with Margaretta's wise advice to hang in for forty years, has done them some good. At one point, Karyn sees the Guidos up ahead, because she bitterly comments on the "matching outfits." "Why are you worried about everybody else?" Lenny asks. "I'm not. I'm worried about us getting to that yellow flag," she snits. This is not a good week for Karyn. In the end, Danza comes in fifth, and Lenny/Karyn finish sixth. Lenny and Karyn immediately face in opposite directions, and she shares a hug with Margarita. Lenny just looks miserable.
Paul and Amie are seriously lost. No, lost-er than that. At the oasis, the other teams speculate about their fate. "They left, like, a half hour before us," the Esquires point out. "They're lost in the desert," Nancy says flatly. "I bet Paul is freaking out," she goes on. "Paul?" Rob says. "Man, Amie is the one that's freakin' out. That girl is loud." Hey! Don't disrespect the loud, Rob. Speaking on behalf of loud women everywhere, Drew steps in. "She's feisty, Amie. I like that about her. Feisty girl." Go, Drew! Go, Drew! Go, Drew!
In a kinda sad scene in the Cockroach car, Paul is sympathetically asking Amie how she's feeling, and she's saying she wants to keep playing and doesn't want to quit. He's trying to break it to her that they're already out, and she's not ready to hear it.
The other teams wait patiently in the oasis, clearly pretty concerned about the whereabouts of Paul and Amie. There's a nice shot of Frank with his arms wrapped around Margarita.
Paul and Amie seem to spot what's actually the oasis (meaning they miss the camel entirely, which is sort of beside the point now anyway). The waiting Nancy puts her hands together in relief when she sees them coming. Drew is looking, too. There is applause, now, as Paul and Amie approach. "You guys all right?" Drew asks as they hop from the SUV. "We got lost," Paul tells them. "You feelin' all right, though, Amie? I heard you were sick," Drew says, coming over to give her a hug. "We were really -- everyone was really, really worried," he continues. I have a feeling it was a pretty damn long time between when everybody else got there and when Paul and Amie finally showed up. Lenny gives them hugs, too. As everyone stands around in a circle, Kevin puts his arms around Paul from behind and rubs his head. He goes over and gives Amie a hug, as Paul explains just how far they were from where they needed to be. Even the Guidos are standing around looking concerned through their little white turbans. Amie looks really sad. Paul? Not so much. A voice I think is Brennan's explains that everybody is always sad now when somebody gets eliminated, but then again, it's a game. Do I really need to say "DRINK"?
Time for Paul and Amie to stand on the mat and be officially Phil-iminated. Paul is beaming, to be honest. I think he's pretty relieved to be done. The outpouring of love from the other teams seems to have cheered Amie as well, because she's come up with a little bit of a smile. She says she'll mostly miss the traveling. I think that, actually, part of her sadness is that they were doing better until they got so hideously lost, and if the editing isn't completely misleading (which I'm thinking it might have been), they got knocked out just as they were beginning to figure out how to be better at this game, and their ouster had a lot to do with the bad luck of her being sick. Paul hopes one of the other underdog teams will pull it out in the end. He's still smiling the big smiley-smile. He gives Amie a big smooch, right on the mouth. She's been throwing up all day. I'm just saying.
In an interview, Paul says Amie feels guilty, and she doesn't need to. One point for him.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Everybody hates the Guidos. A lot. A really, really lot. A really, really, really lot. Drew says that they're outcasts, and Emily says they need to apologize. Don't hold your breath, Em.