Introductory, pilot-errific shout-outs to Team WTF, the Obies, and the Golden Griddle. Oh, and Jaromir Jagr.
Previously in the life of Jerry Bruckheimer: Tom Cruise met Nicole Kidman, climbed up on a chair, gazed at her adoringly, and said, “Hey, baby, have you ever read Dianetics?” Nicolas Cage broke into Alcatraz, thus beginning his unfortunate transformation from "almost too cute to play freaks" to "almost too funny-looking to play action/romance heroes," also known as The Tragic Journey From Raising Arizona To Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Ben Affleck pushed a cookie down Liv Tyler’s pants, and the world cringed. Denzel Washington riffed on the human spirit, and some soaking-wet chicks stopped serving tequila long enough to clamber up on the bar and boogie-oogie-oogie till they just couldn’t boogie no more. Josh Hartnett became the It-Boy, then just as quickly, the Twit-Boy. The devil ate Don Simpson in one big juicy bite.
A standard zoom-drag-pan-shot flies us over New York City as the mellifluous and vaguely New Zealandian voice of Phil "Travel Channel" Keoghan informs us that he is in…well, New York City, which he refers to as "the cornerstone of the world." The world yawns, and somewhere in Paris, a woman gives Phil the finger while letting a wad of cigarette ash fall into her coffee. The camera now circles Phil like a hungry vulture as he, standing on the roof of a building Beatles'-last-stand-style, explains that 22 people have decided to "take a break from their everyday lives" and race around the world for a million dollars. And they're going to stop being polite and start getting real. Oh, no, sorry. Anyway, we are treated to a lovely visual of The Amazing Bus, which whizzes toward us as Phil further exposits that the contestants will have to make their journey without computers or cell phones, and that they’ve given up their money and credit cards. (Speaking as someone who likes to take all my gadgets with me everywhere, even my electronic Yahtzee, I have to say this would be a heartbreaker.) He predicts that "their greatest resource will be each other." Those of us who have read even a little bit about these people take a quiet moment to shudder inwardly. But no matter -- let's meet the teams, now emerging from The Amazing Bus.
Frank and Margarita are separated, with a baby daughter. They hope to reconcile, and Frank says the race is "the crossroads of [their] relationship." That's two uses of the word "crossroads" in the first two minutes of this geography-based reality show, and I so seriously hope we don't get fifty-eight more in the hour. I don’t know if I could take it.
Paul and Amie are recently engaged, and have just started living together. We get a quick shot of them in their apartment, where Amie pulls a melon from a paper grocery bag, all the while grinning idiotically as if she is the star of a Home Economics instructional video shot in 1952. (Miss Alli's Internal Alternative-Audio-Track Narrator: "Amie has a dinner of Tuna Noodle Casserole and Placid Melon Slices ready when Paul gets home, so that he can smoke his pipe in peace without worrying about the petty happenings of her wretched domestic existence.") Paul says that either their relationship will get stronger during the race, or they'll break up. It will soon become apparent -- and I don't think I'm giving away too much here -- that there's a sense in which that's a lose-lose proposition for Paul.
Kim and Leslie are single teachers, and they look like they probably posed for the "Girls of the Big Ten" calendar in college. They both have long straight hair, and they have the whole blonde/brunette dichotomy going, just like Betty and Veronica. Or Brenda and Kelly. Or Joey and Jen. Or, for that matter, Sylvester and Tweety. Light Hair says they are "mentally prepared to handle whatever comes along." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Heeeeeeee hee hee. Hoo, boy. Okay. Anyway, Dark Hair says, with an element of ostensibly adorable worry, "What concerns me the most is dying." She says this on the apparent theory that it's amusing. Believe me, it's only a theory.
Lenny and Karyn are dating, and thinking of marriage. He wants the million bucks to buy her a ring (some ring!), even though she says she's "very difficult." Really, that's basically all they're giving us. I immediately suspect that Lenny and Karen are the Mohammed-from-San-Francisco of this show.
up: Dave and Margaretta. Hey! It is at this point that I pause and say to myself, "Surely, they are not serious. They don't expect me to write about a Margarita and a Margaretta on the same show, do they?" But they do. There is no mercy and no love for me. Dave and Margaretta are grandparents, and have been married 40 years. Margaretta says Dave is a little bossy but she doesn't take orders, so that sits well with me, and then Dave comments that Margaretta is "an Amazing Lady," so we know Dave is hip to Bruckheimer's theme. Hint: It has something to do with Amazingness. It's everywhere you look.
Matt and Ana met while serving in the Army, despite the fact that they look like hippies -- particularly Matt, who has that strange and confusing sort of reddish beard that isn't really a beard so much as a meandering fringe crying out in the darkness, just wanting someone to love it. It's the Little Orphan Annie of facial hair. It may even be the Tiny Tim. Ana comments that she's bossy but that Matt likes that about her, and he comments that she's smart, because she "never trusts [his] instincts." Lovely.
Joe and Bill are life partners, who are calling themselves "Team Guido" after their little dog. They've been together fourteen years, so yay, Team Guido. If the shot of Joe and Bill with their little dog does not remind you of Best in Show, you're a more mature person than I am. Actually, if the shot of Joe and Bill with their little dog doesn't remind you of Best in Show, you haven't seen Best in Show. Joe and Bill are planning to win on the strength of their superior brains, although they first distinguish themselves by wearing matching outfits, which I sure as hell hope is not an everyday thing. Gay, straight, whatever -- that's a big NO on the whole Bobbsey Twins thing, guys.
Patricia and Brenda are described as "working moms," which is apparently sufficiently descriptive for CBS's programming folks. I always find it strange that women can be described as merely "working." "What does she do?" "Oh, she works. You know, mining, stem cell research, waiting tables, serving as Secretary of the Interior -- something like that." One of them mentions that "neither of [their] husbands" was excited about their taking the trip, which makes it sound like they share a pair of communal husbands, but I suspect that they probably don't. If they do, I hope they don't all wear matching outfits.
Rob and Brennan are lawyers and best friends (I swear, I've met these guys in bars four hundred thousand times). In one of their little intro shots, they try to look like they're conferring over a book, but they look more like they're auditioning for the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. (Miss Alli's Internal Alternative-Audio-Track Narrator: "Rob and Brennan enjoy windsurfing, lattes, and shopping for expensive socks.") They tell us that they are from privileged backgrounds (what an exciting and unsuspected surprise!), but that said privileged backgrounds won't help them when they're "hungry in the streets of Bangladesh." I make a note on my calendar to look forward to the day they experience that, because more than obviously, they need it.
Nancy and Emily are the "conservative mother [and] adventurous daughter." Said adventurous daughter explains that she is a "get up and go, on the spot, fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl." Let me translate: "I don't like to clean up after myself, I am constantly borrowing money, and I wake up hungover in strange hotels and don't know how I got there." I don’t like Adventurous Daughter one little bit. Conservative Mother says that A.D. sometimes doesn't "look before she leaps," and that makes this couple the reigning tiresome-cliché champions of the world. If they ran a business, it would utilize synergy and they would think outside the box.
Drew and Kevin. Ah, Drew and Kevin. Fraternity brothers and best friends, they have shaved their heads, which they think makes them look cool, but which actually has the same effect it has on most men, which is to make them look like giant roll-on deodorants. Men of the world, let me give you a short quiz that will help you determine whether shaving your head is a good idea. Question one: Are you Michael Jordan? Question two: Are you Ed Harris? If you answered "no" to both of these questions, you should not shave your head, lest you bear an unfortunate and striking resemblance to Team Shower-Fresh Scent here. At any rate, this is where Kevin makes his comment, much hyped on the previews, about how the two of them are the ugly Americans, and "there's definitely the potential for an international incident." Oh, okay -- I chortled.
The couples all gather in Central Park, and Phil muses about which of them will have the combination of "brains, brawn, and teamwork" necessary to win. I think we've established in these, the first three minutes or so, that none of these teams actually have any of those things, so it will perhaps be a matter of having the least grievous deficits, but hey -- it's a million dollars. I could fake all three of those things if you gave me a million dollars. Phil informs the contestants of the basic rules of the game, but I struggle to concentrate because I'm distracted by his knee-length black coat, which, in combination with his too-spiky hair, causes him to look like the long-lost kid brother of that mean, mean lady from The Weakest Link. Most importantly for plot purposes, Phil tells us that there are eight elimination points along the way, and that at each of those points, whoever's in last place will be out of the Race. The first one will happen tonight, so whoever is last at the end of tonight's show, we will never see again. I like a nice, efficient thinning of the herd, so that's good with me. Phil now tells them that when he gives the signal, they can run for their luggage, which is attached to little black travel bags that contain instructions and a little money. After a few good-luck-ish remarks, Phil gives a hearty "Go!", and they all take off up a flight of stone steps toward their stuff. It is at this point, as they're running, that I unexpectedly start sort of…liking the show. Sure that it will pass, I ignore the feeling.
As the couples open their travel bags, they learn that they have to get to Johannesburg, South Africa, and that they have a choice of three flights -- Alitalia, Swiss Air, and South African Air. Dave wins my everlasting affection by chuckling with excitement as he says, "Johannesburg, South Africa." That's it, people! Enjoy it, fer cryin' out loud! Frank takes this opportunity, while Margarita is opening the information packet, to stake out his first claim to the territory he will now occupy for the hour (that would be Arrogant Prickville, for those of you who don't have your world atlases handy). Specifically, he yells at Margarita, "Come on, come on!" in this incredibly rude voice that would IMMEDIATELY get him a mark on his face shaped like my hand, complete with imprint of my college ring, which I don't even wear anymore but would PUT ON in honor of the occasion.
Ah, now we finally get credits. The expected informative voice-over, racer identity refresher, and hyped-up graphics that make my head hurt. Stop assaulting me, Bruckheimer.
The first challenge, it seems, is figuring out which airport to go to. (That's what they get for being in New York. It's a ball of confusion.) While a team with its back to us speculates that the flights probably leave from either JFK or LaGuardia, Joe and Bill very nearly snort that it's obviously not LaGuardia, but they allow as how it might be Newark. Matt and Ana flail wildly without a clue where to start, while Kevin and Drew bicker like an old married couple. Speaking of which, Margaretta feels "terribly slow," and Brenda and Pat for some reason note the nearness of Times Square. I'm fairly sure none of the flights are leaving from Times Square, ladies, so I'm not sure why we care so much about that, unless they're interested in catching a porno movie before they leave town. It occurs to me that half of getting a jump on people at this stage of the game is knowing New York and its airports, which hardly seems fair. Knowing New York is, after all, not a life skill so much as an accident of residence. This would be like if they started the game in Bloomington, Minnesota at the Mall of America, and the teams had to start by finding the Ritz Camera -- no, not the Ritz Camera on the third floor, the Ritz Camera on the FIRST floor. Hey, that would be cool! I would totally win.
Team Guido and the teachers catch cabs, while Paul and Amie call for flight information. Paul argues that the flights are probably all leaving from JFK, but he calls South African Air anyway, all the while telling Amie that he'd rather take the cheap train than the expensive taxi to the airport. Rob and Brennan try in vain to hail a cab, while Kevin and Drew also choose to take the route of calling ahead to find the right airport. At a pay phone, Drew grouses that "you have to hit six numbers to get a live human being on the phone," and thank you, Drew, you have successfully hit upon the Number One Consumer Complaint of 1996. Kevin: "It's amazing that you even got up this morning and tied your shoes." Drew: "Oh, shut up." Me: "Hee!"
Paul establishes that he can get to JFK by taking the A train (daaaaaaaaaa, daaaa da da bah-daaaaaaa…), but first Amie has to get through the turnstile, an act she not only has trouble completing with her pack on, but also has to have EXPLAINED to her. No, really. She has to be told how to go. Through a turnstile. And it's not a magic turnstile, or a turnstile that needs an electronic keycard, or a turnstile with glass shards sticking out of it. It's the same kind they have at every baseball game, amusement park, and subway station on the planet Earth. You'll want to file away this moment for later.
Nancy and Emily argue in a very mom-and-daughter way about the fact that Emily wants to just take off for JFK, while her mom wants to stop and figure out where the flights leave from first. Nancy voices over that not many mothers and daughters would even consider doing something like this together, and the mothers and daughters of the world, speaking as one, raise their glasses and say, "Amen." I mean, I love my mother, and more to the point, I like my mother. Nevertheless, I would NOT attempt something like this with her, because I would like us to still be speaking in a year. One of my friends, of course, insists that he could go on this show with his mother, because the worst thing that could happen would be that he'd do something wrong, in which case she would just abandon him by the side of the road and go on without him. No hard feelings.
Back to our tale. Matt and Ana are doing the Flight Info Phone Call Shuffle as well, and as she listens for the scoop, he makes the mistake of talking to her, which causes her to poke her pen at him threateningly. Hey, Ana, enough with the threats. Let's leave the innocent writing implements out of this.
Frank and Margarita make the call, too, and then take off for JFK. Margarita voice-overs that they've been separated almost a year, and they think this will be a good way to find out whether they can work together or not. As stupid as that sounds, I have actually heard worse theories, in that it is increasingly evident that over the course of this race, rotting relationship dynamics are going to be pulled out and thoroughly checked for termites in front of a national audience. At this point, Frank busts out a "little quiz" for Margarita. The question? "Who's the boss? Who's the boss?" Margarita rolls her eyes and points out that he wasn't supposed to "start that," which suggests to me that he does this regularly. Nice. She grits her teeth and says, "That would be you, honey." Then she giggles.
Now let me pause here for a moment. I'm no fan of Frank, and I'm not going to defend what he did here, or what he does anywhere else. But you know, she's not earning any points with me either. I hate it when women pull this crap -- telling themselves that it's okay to tell some controlling asshole exactly what he wants to hear, as long as they do it with the gritted teeth or the eye roll or whatever it is that they think indicates that they don't really mean it. You know what, hon? He doesn't care if you mean it. He's proving he can make you say it. He's proving he can make you do what he wants, and the fact that you hate doing it so much actually makes it MORE fun for him, not less. Nobody deserves to be treated like this, but Margarita certainly appears to be a party to her own misery. Tell him to shove it, or don't, but don't cave and try to look tough at the same time. And furthermore, Frank? Tony Danza called and asked that you stop taking the name of his show in vain.
Aaaaanyway. Team Guido astutely observes that South African Air is more likely to fly directly to South Africa than, let's say, Swiss Air, which probably stops someplace like, you know, Switzerland on its way from New York to Johannesburg. Meanwhile, on the subway, Matt despairs that he doesn't want to be the first team to get booted. Ana assures him they won't be, then chastises him for his negative attitude. She voice-overs that he's "the perfect partner, always upbeat," which isn't the case at all, as far as I can tell, but maybe when they're alone, he breaks out the clown suit and juggles. You never know. Also in the subway, Amie checks that Paul is sure they're going the right way, and he says he isn't. Oops. He's gonna pay for that one, over and over (and over). As they bicker, Team Guido gets to JFK and graciously takes a moment to thank their driver as they disembark from the cab. That's what I like. Class, class, class. Speaking of the opposite of which, we now catch Frank on taxi-cam, screaming that he sees South African Air, which excites him enough that he thanks Leon, their driver. "Leon," Margarita chimes in, "you just might be our ticket out of the ghetto." Call me crazy, but I think it's actually a little patronizing to worship a New York cab driver for being able to find an entire damn airline at JFK. ["Not if you've ever taken a cab to JFK, it isn't." -- Sars]
Paul and Amie are temporarily stuck rotting in the subway, which I think is funny.
Team Guido gets to the South African Air counter first, and in fact gets there so fast that it's not even open yet. Go, Team Guido! Outside, Rob and Brennan are breaking the news to their cab driver that they're tipping zero -- no, seriously, ZERO -- on a thirty-eight-dollar fare. Ouch. Whatever wild animals may attack them later, whatever fungus they have to eat, whatever creeping jungle rot they come down with, this is the closest Rob and Brennan are going to come to death. Back at the counter, Frank and Margarita arrive, so Team Guido and Team Danza introduce themselves. Following this faux-cheery exchange, Frank retreats to a private conversation/interview, in which he gnashes his teeth about the matching outfits, which could almost -- but not quite -- make me want to defend them. Most importantly, however, we are introduced to my favorite plot theme of this episode, which is Frank's overwhelming frustration about the fact that every time he knocks himself on his ass trying to get somewhere ahead of everyone else, he finds Team Guido already there, waiting for him. I love this part. In fact, I love it so much that I think this weekend I'll get a beer, lie on the couch, and watch this scene over and over again. Aaaaaaaaah -- matching lederhosen or no matching lederhosen, Team Guido rocks my little world, if only because they annoy the bombast out of Loud Pushy Frank.
Dark Hair and Light Hair cluelessly roam the streets in their cab.
Amie and Paul are at the airline counter, discussing the fact that five other teams have left ahead of them. Paul's small number of firing synapses whir to life and discern that this means they're in the middle of the pack, which means that they're actually doing okay, and they may have saved fifty bucks in return for falling only to the middle of the pack. That may, in fact, be an acceptable strategy he has stumbled onto there. Amie, on the other hand, is obsessed with being first, which I just want to point out right now is a VERY BAD STRATEGY. First is probably not enormously important yet, and I certainly wouldn't pay fifty bucks for it. But enough about me, because here come the irritating Matt and Ana (who also took the train). The flights all take off, and here's how we're doing: First flight contains Team Stiff-The-Cabbie, Team Guido, Team Danza, and the working moms. (I think it also includes Lenny and Karyn, though they don't show them to us, in keeping with the show's desire to keep it a secret that they're on the show.) Second flight includes Dave and Margaretta, as well as Dark Hair and Light Hair. Margaretta, incidentally, is smart enough to note that the middle of the pack is, at this point, okay with her. Third flight includes Nancy and Emily, Matt and Ana, Paul and Amie, and Team Shower-Fresh Scent.
Commercials. Two guys knock a Volkswagen out of a tree. Hee. I love that one.
A slick graphic shows us that, just as Team Guido predicted, the South African Air flight went straight to Johannesburg, while the Swiss Air flight stopped in Zurich, and the Alitalia flight stopped in Milan. Strangely logical, isn't it? Phil voice-overs that now that they've landed in South Africa, the teams will have to follow a route marked with flags and clues. Their first task is to find yet another airport for yet another flight. Inside Team Danza's ground transportation, Loud Pushy Frank is insisting that the driver go faster, which leads to what is actually a fairly entertaining sequence in which he and Margarita whiz right by the lawyers, who are probably stupidly obeying the law when they could be wildly speeding. "Nothing we can do about it," the lawyers moan. Right. Because speeding during a race would be wrong. "Punch it!" yells Loud Pushy Frank. I have no love for Loud Pushy Frank, and he's certainly not going to be undergoing any Evil-Doctor transformations in the tradition of Big Brother Will (who quickly went from The Man Women Love to Hate To The Man Women Love To Envision Licking Peanut Butter Off Our Necks), but he's kinda funny when he's losing his mind in competitive overdrive. Just as he explains that anything except first is a loss, he and Margarita arrive for their connecting flight, with him telling her all the while to "move it." You know, there are a few phrases you should NEVER say to me, ever. And one of them, Loud Pushy Frank, is "move it." Ass. Anyway, he gets what he deserves, because when they get there for the connecting flight, who do you suppose is already there? Teeeeeeeam Guido! Moreover, they warmly congratulate Team Danza. I clutch my stomach as I laugh hysterically.
The lawyers overhear Frank's outburst, and comment that it sounds bad in there. Contrary to some of what's been asserted over at the forums, I don't think the apology that one of them then directs at Margarita has any connection to Frank's temper, as nice as that would be if it did. It's about bonking into her with a backpack. Still, you can call it a show of minimal politeness.
Team Guido informs us that the racers are off to bed. G'Night, Team Guido!
The day, the first charter flight from Johannesburg to Zambia takes off carrying Team Guido and Team Danza, as well as Team Subpoenas-Envy. Phil explains that the ultimate destination today is a place called Songwe Village, and that in order to get there, they will have access to a car, and can either drive themselves or hire a driver (who cannot act as a guide).
The first charter lands, and everybody runs for the cars. Somebody exhorts his partner to "go, baby," and much to my surprise, I think it's Rob. The clue they all pick up about where to go first says something about "the smoke that thunders." The first three teams all hire a driver, and along about this time, Phil gives it up (though not to the teams) that their first destination is Victoria Falls. The second charter arrives, carrying the working moms and Lenny and Karyn (who?). The third brings Dave and Margaretta and Dark Hair and Light Hair. The last brings Paul and Amie, Mom and Daughter, Matt and Ana, and Team Shower-Fresh Scent. On this flight, you can see Shower-Fresh folding the ugly yellow do-rags they're going to be wearing for the rest of the show.
Running, cars, chaos. Nancy is running a little behind, and Emily is being extremely bitchy about it, insisting that there's no time to get directions, they have to just start driving. Yeah, good one. Over in another car, Amie surprisingly has a thought, which even more surprisingly is the correct one -- they're headed for Victoria Falls! Everyone harasses their drivers to go faster, and more actual racing ensues. It was at this point that I looked at the clock and saw that it was only twenty-three minutes into the show. Twenty-three minutes? But so much has happened! Now, I knew they had me. Damn CBS. Damn Bruckheimer. Damn reality TV.
More hazardous driving. Monstrously gorgeous scenery. A herd of gazelles gets the hell out of the way and wonders whether, if one of them gets hit, they can enlist the help of those people who got Survivor to stop stabbing pigs.
Victoria Falls. Here, they are to proceed to something called the Knife's Edge. Team Guido gets directions, and for once, Team Danza actually gets the better of them by eavesdropping and basically running off with the directions while Team Guido is graciously thanking the directions-giver. Of course, this is Margarita's doing, and has nothing to do with the antics of Loud Pushy Frank. Dark Hair/Light Hair (who, I should remind you so you don't forget, are actually named Kim and Leslie, though possibly not in that order) are literally wandering on a path, confused and tossing their hair (dark and light, respectively), which I bet is just how they looked in their high school yearbooks. Margaretta calls out to Dave, calling him "Davey," which is the cutest thing ever. Anyway, she, like everyone else, is looking for the footpath to the Knife's Edge. A cameraman appears to almost hit his head on a tree as he tries to give us the running-racers'-eye-view of one of the paths.
Beauty shot of Victoria Falls. Very pretty. I have to say that the scenery here certainly has it all over staring at the Big Brother House and its green walls for ten freaking weeks. Folks start to arrive at the Knife's Edge, which appears to be a footbridge where you get very, very wet from the spray. To their credit, when they find this Knife's Edge, Drew and Kevin do take a moment to appreciate the incredible-natural-beauty part. One of them yells out, "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!", and I'm pretty sure he's never said that before in his entire life, except to a woman who just took her top off.
Much running through the water. Now the racers have to find their way to Batoka Gorge, which Kevin pronounces "Batoka George," like it's the name of a gun-running mobster, or perhaps Curious George's international cousin. Team Guido is happy to be done with the Knife's Edge, and, as it turns out, is not enjoying how much work it is to stay ahead of Loud Pushy Frank. No, no, Team Guido! Do not become discouraged!
Kevin and Drew now have a conversation about Kevin's irritation over Drew's having bought a map from one of the locals. Drew points out that Kevin TOLD him to get a map, and Kevin counters that he said that when he thought it was going to be free. Drew: "Nothing's free, Kevin! We're in Africa!" Right. Because in Chicago, when you walk around downtown, they give you a hot towel and a bag of peanuts, and they polish your shoes, and they give you a rubdown, and they don’t charge you a thing. Stepping on my perfectly good line, Drew quickly points out the flaw in his own argument, saying, "You go to the Statue of Liberty, is the guy giving these things [maps] away for free? For cryin' out loud! Free!" Exactly. So the line he wanted was not so much "Nothing's free, Kevin! We're in Africa!" but more "Nothing's free, Kevin! We're on Earth!" Drew now proudly points out that at least by buying the map, they have…a map. "Zambia," Drew says, pointing to the map. "That's where we are." Kevin takes the map from him. "That's Namibia, jackass."
Thus officially endeth my resistance to this show. I freakin' give up. "That's Namibia, jackass." Now that's some serious comedy!
Here, Phil tells us that any team can win the right to skip ahead all the way to Songwe Village (bypassing the Silly Stunt portion of our program) by being the first to find the Fast Forward ticket, which they have to find using yet another clue. Most of this segment consists of people saying "Boiling Pot" (the name of the place where the ticket is hidden) over and over again. This is not really interesting at all, so suffice it to say that the lawyers win it, although Margaretta and Davey make a valiant effort. Yay, Team Ensure! I want them to adopt me and take me to the circus. The lawyers, on the other hand, are a total embarrassment, especially when Rob reflects on their success by considering the physical demands of climbing down to where the ticket was and remarking, "I don’t think anybody else could have done that." Yeah. Nobody except the sixty-year-olds, you smarmy little pretty-boy.
As if they're not annoying me enough already, we now get a shot of the lawyers handing out American flags to the local kids. I understand that they mean well, but it's all just a bit presumptuous. Sometimes I think we've all heard a few too many stories about how Russian kids will love you for the rest of their lives if you bring them a Beatles 8-track, and now we're sending people out with the notion that you should approach strangers and give them some little taste of the United States, like, "Hi, I know I'm in your country and don’t speak your language and couldn’t recognize your flag if I used it as my shelter in a pounding rain, but would you like a little four-by-six replica of MY flag?" Ick. As a friend of mine put it, it has an uncomfortable "hello, little street urchins!" sort of quality. They also call themselves "impromptu diplomats." Shut up, lawyers.
Status report. Rob and Brennan (lawyers) are ahead because of the Fast Forward thing, and behind them are Joe and Bill (Guido), Frank and Margarita (Danza), and Lenny and Karyn (who?). Middle of the pack: Pat and Brenda (Working), Kim and Leslie (Dark/Light), Dave and Margaretta (America's Gramma and Grampa). Trailing: Nancy and Emily (Mom/Daughter), Paul and Amie, Matt and Ana, and Drew and Kevin (Shower-Fresh Scent). I just want to say I appreciate these little status reports, because it's damn hard to keep up.
Back to our story. Drew is asking some passersby very politely if they can give him directions to the Gorge. As he thanks the folks he stopped, Kevin starts yelling at him to get in the car. Once they're in the car, Drew protests that he was just trying to be "cordial and nice," whereas Kevin seems to be griping that it was taking too long. Now, we get one of my favorite moments of the evening, as Drew points out that "you have to approach people in an affable, friendly way! You don't do it like you're in New York!" Bwa! He calls Kevin an idiot. It isn't completely clear what happens here, but it looks like Kevin takes a run at getting directions and can't get the job done, so thing you know, there's Drew again, being cordial and nice, not like New York.
Commercials.
Folks start showing up at the Gorge (or, if you prefer, the George). The course marker is substantially below the rim, so they can either walk down (which clearly will take forever), or they can ride a zip line across and then bungee jump down. (I should point out that it's not a bungee jump exactly, it's more of a very long swing, but there is indeed some give in the rope. If you think of it as a bungee jump, you'll do fine.) Team Guido doesn't even blink, but Margarita is looking a little green around the gills, especially when she spots the jump. Now, don't misunderstand. This is not bungee jumping like you've seen at your state fair or your local amusement park. This is a loooooong way down. Those who jump just fall and fall and fall and fall and fall, hurtling through space, becoming well-acquainted with the look and feel of their own intestines. If something should happen to go wrong, there will be no identifiable pieces of the contestants remaining when they were scraped off the rocks. (Presumably, Team Guido would make little matching perfectly symmetrical splat marks.) Here, as at every other point, Team Guido forges ahead. Margarita, on the other hand, balks. "I don't know if I can bungee jump." "You're gonna bungee jump," says Loud Pushy Frank. As much as I don't like this, I do think there are some people who say they can't do things knowing that the person they're with will convince them that they can, so…I might be able to get over this. Even after he says, "Oh, are you gonna bungee jump your ass off right now."
And then he shoves her. Shove, shove, shove, three good ones. They're not actually going to injure her, but they do knock her back at first. At this point, I am finished trying to keep an open mind about Loud Pushy Frank. There are only a few rules in Miss Alli's Relationship Book, and here's one of them: No. Shoving. Your. Wife. Men who shove are bad news, because they're getting off on being stronger and bigger, and really the only difference between a hard shove and a hit is where it lands. A hard shove in the face is hitting, and if Loud Pushy Frank wants to find out what's in Miss Alli's Relationship Book right ABOVE no shoving, he should try hitting his wife. And yes, he would claim he's kidding. Guess what? Shoving isn't funny, and if he were the one getting shoved, he wouldn't find it funny, either.
Ahem. So there's this Race. And it's Amazing.
Now we see Paul and Amie in their car, displaying the particular relationship malfunction I think is sure to doom them, and perhaps a couple of other teams as well. Here's the thing: to operate in this environment, you cannot react to stress by shutting down. Here, we see Amie react to not getting Paul's agreement on something by saying, "Fine, you make a decision." Of course, after he makes one, she throws a fit. Passive? Meet aggressive. Have you both met Amie? Then he comments, "Are you gonna sit there and cry?" Boy, I haven't heard that since fifth grade. Furthermore, Amie goes into a rant about what an idiot he is for not being able to find the Gorge, and yes, here it is. This is where you take out that moment where she struggled with the turnstile. More to the point, it's where PAUL should have taken it out. The man does not know how to be petty, and when you're married to Amie, that's a vital survival skill.
Margarita kicks butt on the zip line, something for which Loud Pushy Frank clearly gives himself all the credit. Unfortunately, when he makes the big bungee jump, the cord does not snap. After getting some encouragement from the guy who's in charge of hooking her to the harness (and who pronounces her name very nicely -- Margari-Ta), Margarita jumps. Yay, Margarita. Now, stop screwing around and dump your sad-ass husband, and we can all have a good time. When she reaches the bottom, they share an alleged warm moment, but it's ruined by my memories of the shoving and the Loud Pushiness of Loud Pushy Frank.
An early look at Songwe Village. While everybody else is still Gorge-ing, Rob and Brennan get there first (since they won the Fast Forward).
More bungee jumping and zip lining. Over at the bungee, one of the working moms gets to wear not only the microphone everybody else has been wearing (the better to pick up her bloodcurdling screams), but also some kind of a bungee-cam that allows us to see the terror on her face, followed by the relief she feels when she does not fall onto the rocks and die. Lenny and Karyn (who?) pass by. Margaretta goes across on the zip line, and as she finishes, Davey turns to the guide and says, out of his wife's hearing, "That is one heck of a woman over there." As she disembarks, Margaretta says, "That was way cool." Listen up, too, because that, right there, those ten seconds? That was the most romantic thing I've seen on television in at least a year, and I'm not even kidding. The encouragement, the admiration, the surprise…that's the marriage I'd like to have when I'm that age. You can keep your soulmates and your swelling music and your dramatic reconciliations if I can have Davey when I'm sixty. Sigh.
As Dark Hair prepares to take the jump, she comments that she doesn't think she can do everything she needs to do in order to pull this off. Note that she is being dropped from a cliff while hanging from a stretchy rope. There's not a huge agenda. There's basically "hold the hook so you don't strangle yourself." Strangely, she comments that she "isn't good at holding things up," which sounds completely bizarre, as if she has to have people carry her lunch when she eats in the cafeteria. How does she brush her teeth? What does this woman teach, anyway? In the end, she takes the leap and does not die, although I will say with no fear of sacrificing my feminist principles that she totally whimpers like a girl the entire time. When she and Light Hair have successfully navigated the Gorge, my favorite Dark Hair moment is upon us. Light Hair says, "We're in, what, seventh place?" Dark Hair responds: "I don’t know. I can't do math right now." Ummm, dear? That's not math. That's counting. If I ask you to figure out how quickly you accelerated toward earth on the bungee jump, particularly if I wanted you to account for the effect of the helium in your head, that would be math. Dark Hair follows up with the gem, "God, there are a lot of bugs out in the jungle. Go figure." I think she's kidding, actually, which is a good thing. But I don't think she was kidding about the math, and that's just a shame.
Back to the stragglers. Cut to Matt and Ana, still looking for the Gorge, which they are also pronouncing "George." Kevin and Drew are still looking, too, as are Paul and Amie. Speaking of Amie, she has her very own crossover into completely unredeemable territory when they stop and ask a local woman where the Gorge is. They're asking in English, of course, and the woman either doesn’t know where the Gorge is or doesn't speak English, neither of which particularly makes her an idiot, it seems to me. Amie starts in with a very loud "she doesn't know, she doesn't know," which is bad enough, but then she goes on to actually yell out -- to the woman herself -- "How do you not know? You live here!" Horrible person. She is a HORRIBLE person. She and Ana are on the same page, though, because we now see a similarly frustrated Ana complain to Matt, "How can you live somewhere and not know where the hell anything is?" Meanwhile, Kevin and Drew prove that they are not remotely the Ugly Americans of this race when one of them says, "Village idiot? That's us." See? They have it right. When you're driving yourself in circles because you don't speak the language and can't communicate what you need clearly enough to get help, YOU are the idiot. Thank you, Team Shower-Fresh Scent, for that moment of clarity.
Cut to Nancy and Emily, just getting to the zip line. Nancy has been praying not to be eliminated, and they are thrilled to see that they aren't last. As Emily takes off on the zip, it becomes clear that this business about teams with different pre-existing relationships was pretty smart, because Nancy's face instantly reminds me that she has a stake nobody else has -- she's watching her kid do some of these really unsafe and stupid things, and that's actually scarier than watching your friend or your husband, particularly if your husband is Loud Pushy Frank and you find yourself secretly thinking that if he were dashed on the rocks, you could collect a cushy settlement and go look for a real husband.
Amie is running around without a clue. Finally, she and Paul find their way to the home of the walk/zip dilemma, and he seriously doesn't want to go across. She eventually decides they're doing it. He still doesn't want to. A very relieved Nancy and Emily notice themselves being ahead of Amie and Paul. Paul gets strapped to the zip, and goes across like a champ, despite what appears to be a crippling fear of heights. (Here, again, Amie starts in about him being stupid and that being why they got lost. Paul, Paul -- the turnstile! The turnstile!) Paul refers to himself as "a big puss." I'm assuming the editors took that to be an actual cat reference, or they would have edited it out. I suppose anything is possible.
Emily jumps the jump, and Nancy breathes a sigh of relief and then follows. To her credit, Emily is smart enough to give her mom a big old "wooooo!" for the bungee jump. I would also "woooooo!" at my mom if she did that, but I suspect my mom would tell you that I wouldn't be able to see her through the battalion of flying pigs and the frozen hell and everything. Meanwhile, even though he survived the zip, Paul doubts he can do the jump.
Commercials. Including one for Wolf Lake. There's a collector's item for you.
Loud Pushy Frank and Margarita are having a little trouble getting to Songwe Village, while Amie does fine on the bungee. Matt and Ana make it to the zip, and Paul gets strapped in for the jump. Amie taunts him by telling him that Emily's mom did it. Okay, hee. He says "big puss" again, but he does, in fact, jump. As he dangles from the cord, Amie yells that she loves him, but she's actually a lot more excited when she finds out that there are teams behind them. Love, pshaw! I don’t want to be a loser, baby! Matt and Ana jump, after which she declares herself "mad" because it wasn't fun. Whatever.
Drew, at the bungee jump: "These flies are like lobsters." Ha! He takes off anyway, and as he hangs in the gorge, yelling up, "Oh, my God, Kev! Oh, my God!", Kevin helpfully chimes in with, "Swing, you fat bastard, swing!" With this, Kevin sets the tone for the entire series. At least I hope he does. I'd like to hate these guys, and I doubt I'd ever want them in my life or in my house, but on my TV, they're A-OK with me.
In a brand new display of stupidity, Paul and Amie have to run to their car, and she jumps ON HIS BACK. That is approximately the slowest way to travel by foot that I can think of. If you can't run yourself, you don’t belong on a reality show, girlie, so get your ass on the ground and pound the pavement (or, in this case, the dirt). She doesn't hear me, of course, and doesn't comply with my demands. When she and Paul make it to their car (on their way to Songwe), they wind up on the road behind Nancy and Emily, who talk in their car about how much they like Paul and Amie, while Paul and Amie talk in their car about how slow Nancy and Emily are. In Matt and Ana's car, there is talk of his being a moron, which culminates in her hitting him with "once a moron, always a moron," and his responding, "Well, you fell in love with this moron." Give it up for the Catskills comedy stylings of Matt and Ana! They're here at the Candlelight Lounge from now through the end of September…have you tried the Chicken Divan?
Kevin and Drew, in their car, continue to bicker over how best to ask directions. Kevin is convinced that they've lost the whole thing. America leans toward its TV screens and whispers, "Don’t even joke about that."
At Songwe, Team Guido comes in second (which is first among everyone who didn't win the Fast Forward thing), followed by Team Danza. Margarita pauses to muse that she can't figure out what's up with her and Frank, because first she thinks it's okay, and then she thinks it isn't. I write Margarita a letter and drop it in the mail immediately, and it says THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S AN ASS. So I guess it's not really a letter so much as a short note. Here come Lenny and Karyn (who?). Now it's Pat and Brenda, then Kim and Leslie, then Dave and Margaretta. Margaretta is especially happy to be mid-pack, and good for her. Paul and Amie, Kevin and Drew (Kevin hugs the greeter), and Nancy and Emily round out our list of people who will be joining us week. That evening, the victorious teams get to have a party. There is dancing, and there are drums. Looks like fun, actually.
In their car, in the dark, a delusional Matt and Ana approach the village while reassuring themselves that there is at least one team behind them that they know of. Nevertheless, when they arrive IN THE DARK (everyone else arrived during the day, it appeared) and Phil pops out to tell them they're toast, Matt immediately says, "I knew that." He actually says it a few times. Yeah, right. You were all over it all along. Dork. Matt repeatedly says, "Bummer." They then get to be interviewed about their feelings, which are that they're both glad they did it. Well, that makes two of the three of us. Fade to black. Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Alliances. Someone being called a fat bitch. Someone claims that his word is his bond, har har har. Rob and Margarita hug (hey, Margarita, good idea!). Lenny and Karyn fight. Paul talks to the hand.