"Thrill-a-minute feature-film director Wolfgang Petersen (In the Line of Fire; The Perfect Storm) makes his foray into series television as the executive producer of The Agency, a look at the high-stakes inner workings of the CIA and the ways in which its cases and investigations are handled."
Oh, shut up, CBS.
Like the man responsible for Marky Mark's scraggly facial hair and the casting of Renee Russo and Dustin Hoffman as a COUPLE would ever be allowed to darken the doors of the CIA gift shop, let alone the actual inner sanctum. My bet is that ol' Wolfie lent his high-profile name to this little project du jour, made sure his personal assistant picked up his dry cleaning before five, told his private chef to whip up a batch of wiener schnitzel, and forgot all about the whole bloody thing.
I'm just guessing.
In case you were wondering as you watched this program (if you even watched this program) just who in the hell the characters were and what in the hell they were doing and how in the hell they got to the CIA in the first place, allow me to clear something up.
This was not the pilot episode.
The pilot episode was shelved due to the horrific events that occurred on September 11th. Why? Because the plot of the pilot episode revolved around a potential terrorist attack on Harrods of London supposedly masterminded by the one and only Osama bin Laden; obviously, this was not a storyline that anyone in power at CBS wanted to explore. And we applaud them for that.
Unfortunately, they decided to go forward with the second episode and, well, I'm so lost that I can't find the plot with a T-square, a compass, a Native American foot guide, and truckload of flares.
That being said...
Our non-pilot second substitute episode opens up with a saucy Latin beat on the soundtrack. We're in a club full of scantily clad people giving the forbidden dance a run for its money. It's hot. It's spicy. It's a lusty woman being fondled by an even lustier man as she tries to convince him to take her back to his office for some muy caliente action atop the Xerox. He tells her that won't be possible because there are sensitive things there. Sensitive things other than his wee Willy Wonka, that is. According to the subtitles in this scene, this guy's involved in the government. The woman states that she likes sensitive things, and then shows him just how much by reaching her hand down and...you get the picture. Lusty Government Guy likes the sound (and feel) of this, but still no go on the office visit.
Lusty Latin Lynx catches a nod from a scruffy-looking dark guy over in the corner and tells Lusty Government Guy that she has to go to the bathroom, and requests another drink from him. Scruffy Dark Guy grabs her by the bathroom and informs her, "It's happening. They're going to kill him." Before Lusty Latin Lynx can comment upon this news, Lusty Government Guy is all up in her face, and there are no subtitles to explain what they're discussing, but I'm getting that he's pretty peeved that she's chatting up some other guy instead of readying her many sexual devices in the ladies' as she intimated she would be.
Just then, a creepy guy with little or no hair wanders among the dancers as the camera performs a little slo-mo action on his ass. He passes by Scruffy Dark Guy and leaves him with a garish slice through his abdomen that looks roughly like an autopsy incision, which I'm sure Scruffy Dark Guy will be needing shortly hereafter. Lusty Latin Lynx manages to get the hell outta there and pauses in an alley. She sinks down to a crouch against the wall and pulls out her cellphone.
"Valley Broadcasting," says a voice on the other end. "This is valley messenger 6691," she replies. "Confirmed. You are secure. Go ahead," is the response. "Flash message to the DCI [Director of Central Intelligence]," she says. Some guy at a computer on the other end starts typing stuff into his terminal. "Fidel Castro's going to be assassinated," she says. A sheet of paper marked "TOP SECRET" in red letters at the top of the page spits out of what looks like a fax machine.
Does that really happen? Do secret messages get spit out of machines at the CIA with the words "TOP SECRET" stated across the top for all to see? You know, if I were going to print a top secret message, I'd be damn sure the words "TOP SECRET" didn't appear ANYWHERE on the page. That's just like telling your best friend some juicy gossip about a mutual acquaintance and then swearing her to secrecy. That shit is just guaranteed to get out within 24 hours. ["From what I read, government agencies have several dozen levels of confidentiality higher than 'top secret,' all designated with special everyday-word names like 'canoe' and 'splinter.' So, yes, secret messages are classified as 'top secret,' but not if they're really top secret. Back to our regularly scheduled recap, already in progress." -- Sars]
Meanwhile, over at CIA headquarters, Gil "I Made Out With Calista Flockhart And All I Got Was This Lousy Cold Sore" Bellows is running his fingers over some indented stars on a wall. Will Patton, a lifelong member of the "Hey! It's That Guy!" club, approaches and says, "Matt? Jackson Haisley." They shake hands, and Gil says something akin to, "Hey, dude. Whassup an' shit?"
Before going on to recap their conversation, I'd like to announce that from now on, Gil Bellows shall not be referred by either his proper name or his character's name; from now on, he shall be called "Billy" because, quite frankly, that's the only name we readily identify him with. I toyed with the idea of referring to Will Patton as "Nahum," his character in The Spitfire Grill, because that name bugged the hell out of me during that movie, as did Will Patton, but I think calling him by the name "Patton" will be even funnier, as well as affording me the opportunity to dredge up wartime commentary and George C. Scott references.
So anyway, Patton asks Billy how long he's been in town. Billy just got here, and thought he was supposed to be working for recruitment, but he received a call from the CTC that morning. Patton mentions that he got the same call, and that they're (the CTC, I guess) tapping offices from every directory. I have absolutely no idea what this exchange means, but I'm thinking that its sole purpose is to fill us all with the notion that these guys are, you know, being recruited for something special. By the way, I scoured the CIA's official website and couldn't find a single department that applied to "CTC," so I have no idea what they're talking about. ["'Crappy Television Central'?" -- Sars]
Billy looks back up at the wall and says that he was just looking for Eric's name up there; Eric's his brother. "No name," he says, "just a star." "For now," responds Patton. "Come on," he continues, putting his hand on Billy's shoulder, "I'll take you upstairs. Fabrizi's running with us. She's a manager now. Pierce thinks she's the goods." "Really?" says Billy. "Yeah. Since your brother died, Lisa's been all about work."
Get it? Do you get it yet? Billy's brother died while on the job. Lisa Fabrizi was his chick and now, because of Eric's untimely demise, Lisa's devoted herself heart and soul to "the job." Anyone else see where this one's going? Yeah. That's what I thought.
Now here's where it gets fun. We see the same piece of paper with "TOP SECRET" emblazoned upon it in the hand of a woman walking briskly down a hallway. No, it's not in an envelope. It's just a naked sheet of paper wafting lightly between the fingers of this woman. Facing out, mind you. So anyone can see that she's carrying a TOP SECRET document. She hands it to a man sitting in an office with the nameplate "Senior Administrator" on the wall outside. He picks up the phone.
Then we're in a parking lot, and a young woman is hurriedly exiting her car. It's Paige Turco. Yeah, people tell me she was on Party of Five; I never watched it, so I have no idea what she did on that show. I think I heard she was a drunk or something. Anyway, she's not drunk now. She's just wearing knee-high boots and a trenchcoat, and she's rushing toward the CIA building. A security guard with a barking German shepherd stops her and warns her that running is against the rules here at the Central Intelligence Agency. She apologizes and skitters off.
In the halls of covert operations, Ronny Cox, a.k.a. "Alex Pierce III," or "Big Cheese" as we like to call him, is speeding along while one of his many assistants trails along beside him. She hands him a folder. We can only assume it has a piece of paper within it with TOP SECRET screaming along the top.
Back down in the CIA lobby, Paige is looking slightly overwhelmed at the fact that she's actually entering the actual CIA offices. She walks quickly across the CIA seal on the floor as the camera pulls up to give us the full-screen view of the logo of the agency that makes wire-tapping possible.
"Who's the access agent?" asks Big Cheese in a voice-over. "A Miami national assigned to track Miami exile activity in Havana directed against the Castro government," says Patton, also in a voice-over, as we see him in his office shuffling papers into a folder marked, you guessed it, TOP SECRET. "How solid was this asset?" questions Big Cheese. At least I think he said that; he kind of garbled the last two words. "Dead solid," responds Patton, now standing in the Cheese's office. "He was murdered before he could deliver any specifics." Some random guy with a mustache, otherwise known as Rocky Carroll, says, "So...all we know is that there's a plan to kill Fidel Castro within the forty-eight hours." "No, we know one more thing," says Big Cheese dryly. "Castro is coming to the U.S. tomorrow. Which means, if this is real...the assassination will happen here."
Ooooh, the suspense.
Cue the credits.
Man, my tape sucks. And here I thought that borrowing Wedge's super-deluxe Sony VCR would solve all my VCR issues from my last two shows. Not. Of course, it doesn't help that it's permanently set on SP instead of SLP because Wedge lost the fucking remote and that's the only way to switch tape recording speeds, which makes my pause-rewind-pause-rewind-pause actions even more difficult and irritating than normal. Wedge sucks. No, really. He sucks.
We're back. Aerial shot of a building surrounded by trees. This types across the bottom of the screen: CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. MCLEAN VIRGINIA. See? It's kinda like The X-Files when they come back from commercial and announce the scene location. Only we don't have any Doggett or Scully to greet us when we return from getting our fourth Amstel Light from the fridge; instead, we get Big Cheese and Ally McBeal's ex-boyfriend.
The Spy Boys are gathered around a conference table, discussing how to handle the Castro situation. One guy suggests they all take the day off; this suggestion appeals to Big Cheese as he sips lukewarm Sanka out of an official CIA cup. Another guy thinks that they should let Castro's people handle Castro. Patton gets all uppity and says, "Gentlemen, with all due respect, one of our associates has been killed." Big Cheese just looks at him and says, "I have the highest respect for the source, [Patton]." Yeah. These two are gonna get into it at some point.
Patton goes on to say that this murdered associate had infiltrated a group known as [insert quickly spoken bad-ass Cuban assassination group name here] that has been around for a long time. "A few people saw the man who killed our source and I should be receiving an identi-kit later today," Patton says. "Identi-kit"? There's some more of that spy-speak that we're going to be bombarded with during the rest of this show. Get it? IT'S THE CIA.
Patton turns to Billy and asks what his Cuban source has to say. Wow. Billy works fast. He's just shown up and he's already got a Cuban source? Maybe I should get me one of those. Maybe a Cuban source could get me a job, or at least a box of decent cigars. "He hasn't heard of any assassination plot out of the thirty or forty exile groups in Miami," responds Billy. "He says [insert quickly spoken bad-ass Cuban assassination group name here] tops his list for most likely to. He wishes them luck." The Spy Boys laugh ironically.
Patton says that the bad-ass Cuban assassination group is headed by a guy named Antonio Moray (your guess is as good as mine on the spelling of this one). Moray's father and paternal uncle were both killed by Fidel's revolutionary tribunal in 1960. The Moray factories and tobacco plantations were all closed due to these deaths. Patton finishes up by saying that these facts are just the top sheet of a rather extensive file, and that he's ordered up archived files for further investigation.
Rocky steps up to bat. By the way, his character's name is "Carl Reese," but I like "Rocky" much better, so "Rocky" it shall be. Rocky fills everyone in on Castro's detailed itinerary. One of the Spy Guys belligerently says that he's not going to get any support from his division on this. On what? On Castro's travel plans? On how many packets of peanuts Castro gets between Cuba and New York? Shut up, dude. Grab yourself another cup of CIA-sanctioned Sanka and shut the hell up.
Big Cheese ignores Snotty Spy Guy and says, "Fidel Castro has been a thorn in this agency's side for forty years. Half a dozen times, the President has ordered us to kill him. Half a dozen times, I've watched my predecessors fail. Do you know what the President said to me less than an hour ago? 'Do everything in your power to maintain status quo.'" "Save Fidel," Billy says, trying to firmly ensconce himself between Big Cheese's butt cheeks. Yes, Billy. Unless maintaining status quo involves slaughtering a long-standing Cuban leader, I'd say that means you're supposed to save the son of a bitch. "If Casey was still around," says Big Cheese, "he'd laugh my ass all the way across the Potomac." Aw, look at the reference to the former head of Reagan's CIA. These writers must have been combing countless websites for CIA references just to make these lines sound as pertinent and inside-workings-sounding as possible. Good work, writers!
Then we're over in the hack-happy graphic design department with Paige and some guy with a soul patch. He asks her what her cover is. She tells him it's the Department of Commerce. Is she a field operative? Isn't she a fake ID artist? Why does she need a cover? Whatever. Soul Patch tells her that her cover isn't very "sexy," and then says that he used to run a dot-com with a market cap of six hundred million. "That's a cover?" responds Paige. "No," he says, "that's the truth. I've been a puppet, a poet, a pauper, a pirate, and now I'm just a straight guy who likes show tunes, hacking for the CIA." Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either. Was he actually a dot-com magnate? Was he really a puppet? Are there really pirates in existence in this day and age? Is that soul patch really necessary?
"You ever need to go to Albania," says Soul Patch, "I got all the visas you'll ever need." "I'll take one," says the guy who played "Miles" on thirtysomething as he enters the office rather sluggishly. No, I'm not kidding. It's Miles. Actually, it's David Clennon, an actor that's been around since The Way We Were. It's suddenly just occurred to me that this entire show is filled with candidates for "Hey! It's That Guy!" I mean, come on! Will Patton, Ronny Cox, Rocky Carroll, and now David Clennon?! These guys have been in every movie and TV show since time began! Seriously. Check out their bios on the CBS site -- it's alarming. But it's also really, really good for me. Think how many arcane references I can trot out during my recapping duties...
Anyway, Miles walks into his office and sits down at his desk, looking like a zombie who hasn't tasted a good brain in quite a while. Paige follows him in and asks if he's okay. Miles tells her that his wife died last night. Paige is suitably upset until she remembers that Miles is divorced. "I am," says Miles. "Haven't seen her in fifteen years." "Were you close?" Paige questions. "Hated each other," Miles responds. Apparently, the fact that they weren't the best of friends doesn't matter to his ex-wife's family; they want him to attend her funeral. "I'll feel like such a hypocrite," he sighs. "But if it's for the family --" Paige starts. "They hated her too," Miles says. What does this have to do with the CIA? Nothing. What does this have to do with the plot against Fidel? Again, nothing. What does this have to do with furthering the plot of this show? If your answer is "nothing," you win a shiny new set of Ginsu knives.
Paige tells Miles that Carl Reese was looking for him earlier. This is the first time since the conversation between Patton and Billy that a character has actually been referred to by his or her character's name. Why do you think I've been calling these people "Rocky" and "Miles" and "Paige"? Yeah, I know the character names from the website. What if I didn't have access to the website? I wouldn't know what in the hell was going on.
Wait. I still don't. Never mind.
Paige starts to exit after informing Miles of the Reese (a.k.a. "Rocky") visit. "I know," says Miles distractedly. "Fidel Castro's coming to New York and they're afraid he's going to be assassinated." Paige looks at him in surprise. "I like Fidel," says Miles. "His funeral I'd go to." Hee. I can already tell who my favorite character's going to be. And I can already tell I'm not going to see enough of him.
Random office file cabinet. A woman stands in front of it, and as a man whose face we can't see approaches, the woman whips out a file and hands it to him. We see what he sees as he pages through the file: pictures, documents with whole paragraphs blacked out, the words "TOP SECRET" scattered throughout. Patton comes into the frame as the holder of the file and sits down at his desk. "Barbara!" he barks. "Tell the director I need to see him. Now." Oooh. Look at Patton wielding his tiny staff of power. Odds are, Barbara called up the director's assistant and softly told her that Patton wished to have an audience with His Cheesiness at his earliest convenience. Stuff that staff, Patton. You only have power over Barbara, and don't you forget it.
Some other CIA office. Hey! It's Jeanie Boulet from ER! Where're your scrubs, Jeanie? Where's your stethoscope? Oh. That's right. She's a CIA manager now. She's CIA Manager Jeanie Boulet!
Jeanie's sitting at her desk as Rocky enters and asks if she's read the "Coheva" file. Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either. She tells him that she's barely read it and doesn't know how she can help. Rocky informs her that Big Cheese wants an officer on the ground in Miami by noon.
"How 'bout the COS in Key West?" she suggests. "He wants you," says Rocky. "You have a Cuban ops background; Moray's planning a terrorist act." "By whose definition?" she challenges. "Last time I checked you considered these groups freedom fighters. This falls under the Latin American division." Jeanie attempts to slap the file back onto Rocky, but he tells her that someone named Garcia thought she'd be a good choice to handle this situation, because they need someone impartial down there to ward "these people" off. "Who said I was impartial?" she says. Yeah, I don't know what she's talking about either.
, we're in Big Cheese's office as Patton hands Cheese the secret file he was looking at earlier. "Restricted handling," Cheese says after glancing at it. "Since 1968," says Patton. I think Cheese asks Patton if there's a "pick it" list, but I'm not sure. Patton says, "Yes, sir. Six people with need to know, plus Director and President. You can get it unlocked and authorize me to look." This helps me to understand that they're talking about file access. I still don't know what "pick it" is, however. Big Cheese okays this; Patton thanks him.
"Why now?" says Big Cheese, walking over to look pensively out the window. "Castro's seventy-five. You know he passed out while giving a speech a few months ago." "Yeah," says Patton, smiling for the very first time. "And then he got up and proceeded to speak for another four hours." "He's not going to live forever," says Cheese. "Why is this happening now?" He turns around and looks at Patton as if he's going to have the answer. Patton checks his mental bank for an answer and only comes up with the porn shots of cheerleaders he downloaded off the Internet last night.
Hacker Designs, Inc. Jeanie's getting her picture taken by Paige, who then whips up a quick fake special investigator ID. Miles exits his office and asks Jeanie, "If you were asked to go to a funeral, but you despise the honored guest --" "Who at one time just happened to be your wife," pipes Paige. Miles ignores her and asks Jeanie, "Would you go?" Jeanie, also not sure what in the hell this has to do with the CIA or her job, humors him and says that she wouldn't feel obligated to attend. "What if the family wanted you there?" interjects Paige. "For emotional support?" "Well, then," says Jeanie, "I guess it would depend how close I was to the man and...if he was my first love." Miles is confused. "What's that matter?" Jeanie smiles sweetly. "Well, I believe that no matter where you go in life, your first love is always a part of you." Miles looks pained and exits back to his office to make travel arrangements to attend his dead ex-wife's funeral.
Okay. I promise that in future recaps for this show I will NOT transcribe scenes like this in such detail. But it's pretty obvious that the writers are doing their best to try to establish these characters in one fell swoop. Let's do a little sum-up session for every character we've met so far. Y'all can use this as a cheat sheet for future episodes. If there are any, that is.
Billy: Earnest go-getter newbie with a soft heart and a dead brother.
Rocky: Nice mustache.
Patton: Lackey who does grunt work and is eyeing the Big Cheese's job.
Big Cheese: Big Cheese.
Paige: Newbie fake ID maker with a soft heart.
Miles: Odd, quirky, cynical wise guy who heads up Hacker Designs, Inc.
Jeanie: CIA manager with a soft heart and a dead boyfriend.
Let's move on.
MIAMI, FLORIDA. Jeanie's driving along some waterfront. As she pulls to a stop, we see a man with a mustache (no, not Rocky) telling another man in Spanish that the man who was expecting the boat on Friday will be disappointed to learn that the boat won't be ready, and to send this guy's wife some flowers.
"Señor Moray," Jeanie says as she walks up to Moustache Man. She flashes her fake badge and introduces herself as Sarah Phillips, Dade County Special Investigator. She wants to know if she can ask him a few questions. "Like why Dade County don't tell me you work for them?" he responds. What? Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either. It would seem he knows that she's no "Special Investigator" and that the last person her "agency" sent wasn't "special" at all. Moray's pretty sharp, that's for sure.
"I'm here about your organization, [insert quickly spoken bad-ass Cuban assassination group name here]?" "You don't look Cuban, you know?" responds Moray. "Despite what your people may have told you." "My mother's Jamaican, my father's Italian," she quips. "But I get around." Moray still isn't really talking to her, so Jeanie brings out the big guns and says to him, in Spanish, "We've heard of a plan to kill Castro." This stops Moray cold. "At the CIA?" he queries. "I can't believe it!" Jeanie tells him that killing Castro isn't in the best interests of the U.S. "Since when?" counters Moray. "The transition is coming, Señor," she says. "We believe it's better for everyone if that transition is peaceful." Moray tells her to stuff her beliefs. "You'd rather let the bastard die in his own bed? You can leave now!" he finishes, stalking off. "We're watching you," she says, as if a thinly veiled threat would even remotely disturb this man. "You were watching at the Bay of Pigs," he says, moving back toward her. "My friends went ashore with promises of air support and supplies to expel the dictator and you did nothing! Castro's army killed some, captured the rest, and held them for ransom while you watched!" "Killing Castro won't free Cuba," Jeanie states. "So?" says Moray.
After Moray exits, Jeanie gets on the horn to Big Cheese and tells him that Moray's most definitely involved. Cheese wants to know if Moray got the CIA's message. Jeanie tells Cheese that Moray got the message all right, but she thinks he's received this message more than once before. Cheese wants Jeanie to get in touch with the Miami FBI and make sure Moray and his group are locked down tight. "And I want them to know it!" he barks. Jeanie drives off, but only after receiving a slightly disturbing stare from Moray himself, standing outside her car.
As Cheese is talking to Jeanie, Patton enters and tells him that there's a problem. What makes me think that Patton's always going to be the one entering Cheese's office and telling him there's a problem? Cheese tells Jeanie to hold on for a second. "I've got the restricted Moray file," says Patton. "In 1963 we contracted with him." "To do what?" asks Cheese. "Kill Castro," says Patton. "That was thirty-six years ago," says Rocky, coming into the picture. "He's doing it now?" "And if he pulls it off," says Patton, getting all dramatic here, "we'll be blamed."
Cue The Strings Of Overly Dramatic Final Statements.
After the break, we're in a debriefing room being, well, debriefed. Patton's doing the pantsing on this one. He shows a picture of Moray on a big screen, and then a collection of mug shots of the core members of Moray's group. Patton says the name of the group, and I think I actually understand it this time: Hola Nortegna. I'm serious. That's what it sounds like. Except, and I'm only going by my two years of high-school Spanish here, that would roughly translate to "Hi Nortegna!" I really don't think that's an appropriate name for a Cuban bad-ass assassination group. ["I suspect it's actually 'Hola Norteño,' or 'hello Northern,' which would -- actually, no, that doesn't make any more sense at all. Ignore me." -- Sars]
Patton goes on to say that any member of this group could qualify as a would-be Castro assassin. He repeats that stuff about the CIA contracting Moray's group in 1963. The method of assassination? A box of botulism-laden cigars delivered to Castro himself. The attempt failed, and six months later another member of Moray's group made a second attempt. "With what? An exploding toothbrush?" says the same Snotty Spy Guy from earlier in the show. Actually, Patton informs him, it was a sniper rifle, you annoying little twit, and the sniper was seized by security and executed by firing squad ten days later. Now sit down and shut up before Patton pulls out his riding crop and smacks you on the ass.
"According to our files," continues Patton, "there's been no official agency contact with Moray's organization --" "No 'official' contact?" interjects Big Cheese. "No 'unofficial' contact, either," spits Snotty Spy Guy. "Not on my watch. We're not involved in this." The rest of the Spy Guys just look at him like they're all thinking of taking him out back and giving him a global thermonuclear atomic wedgie.
Rocky wonders if Moray will do the job himself. Patton tells him that this would be to impossible, as Castro's landing in New York tomorrow and Moray is currently at home in Miami planning a first communion dinner for his granddaughter. Cheese wants to know about the rest of the group members, and Patton says they're tracking them all but, for his money, the prime suspect would be one Ruben Navarro.
When Cheese asks him why he's concentrating on this Navarro guy, Patton says that, according to the phone records, Moray has kept in constant contact with every group member on a weekly basis for the past six months. However, three months ago, he stopped all phone contact with Navarro. Snotty Spy Guy postulates that maybe Navarro "lost his faith." "Maybe," says Patton confidently as he brings up a map on the screen. "But a number of calls have been made to various pay phones in Coral Gables which fall within a few blocks of Navarro's apartment." Go Patton! Tell Snotty Spy Guy to shove off! Woo! "You think Moray has been deliberately avoiding direct contact with him?" asks Cheese. "Yes, sir," says Patton. "Navarro was an anti-Castro freedom fighter, or terrorist, depending on which side you're on, and a few years back he did some contract work for us as well. So, he's qualified, and he hates Castro." "And he's another one of ours," muses Big Cheese.
Later, in Patton's office, Billy's going over Navarro's "impressive" résumé and recounting Navarro's many accomplished terrorist-type tasks. "And we trained him," says Billy in a tone of slightly amused irony. Patton tells him that they gave Navarro a crash course in survival, evasion, and weapons. "Your brother was his teacher," says Patton, searching around on his desk for something to look at other than Billy's face. Billy shuts the file and looks at Patton. "Well," he says, trying to laugh it off, "he didn't train him to assassinate people." Duh, Billy. What the hell do you think survival, evasion, and weapons training sessions are for? Do you think your bro was teaching him to be an accountant? Lord.
Patton just kind of looks at Billy as if he's about to say, "Duh, Billy. What the hell do you think survival, evasion, and weapons training sessions are for?" but his phone rings. It's Jeanie, and she's outside Navarro's apartment. "You find him?" asks Patton. Nope. He's long gone. But the FBI is going to keep an eye on Navarro's place, just in case he was at the grocery store for the past three months and returns home to ensure that his frozen mini-quiches don't melt all over his back seat. As Patton talks to Jeanie and avoids looking at Billy, Billy sort of backs away from the desk, obviously realizing that his brother trained assassins for a living.
Patton tells Jeanie that they should be looking for Navarro in New York. "Yeah, way ahead of you," she responds. "Last month Navarro bought a nine-millimeter Browning high power from a dealer in Fort Lauderdale and a one-way ticket to LaGuardia." Um, red herring, anyone? I mean, if you're a certified assassin, don't you think you'd be a bit more careful when purchasing your desired weapons of destruction and airline tickets? I know I would.
"He paid cash, used his own name," says Patton later that day as he, Rocky, and Billy speed down a hallway. "Maybe he wants us to catch him," suggests Rocky. "He didn't know we'd be trying," says Patton. "He does now if he's talked to Moray. If he's learned anything from your brother," says Rocky, looking at Billy, "he's not gonna be easy to find." "I learned some things from him too," replies Billy morosely. Poor Billy. Your brother created killers, and all he taught you was how to shotgun an MGD without spewing all over your Phi Delta Tau sweatshirt.
"If we don't have Navarro back tonight," says Rocky, entering the elevator with the boys in tow, "Pierce is going to insist that we tell the Cubans." "Which Cubans?" asks Billy. The French Cubans, you dolt. Who the hell do you think? "The Cuban Cubans," says Rocky. "Castro's security people." "But if they find Navarro before we do..." says Billy. "They'll kill him." "Yes, they will," says Rocky. Patton goes on to say that the Cubans will spin this for all it's worth. "Remember," he says, "our fingerprints are all over these guys. We don't want it to show up in the New York Times that we were involved in another plot to kill Castro." Patton and Rocky exit the elevator in slow motion as Billy thinks to himself, "Who the hell are 'the Cuban Cubans'?"
Hacker Designs, Inc. Patton's showing Paige and Miles a videotape that Jeanie sent him of Navarro at a gun store. Paige asks if she should sharpen the image, but Patton tells her to keep watching. He asks her to zoom in on the side view mirror of a car outside the shop, and says that he's more interested in the driver than in Navarro. Paige works her magic and somehow comes up with a crystal-clear image of a side view of a guy sitting in a car. "Can you do anything with him?" Patton asks. "I can put a hat on his head if you want," quips Paige. She does a couple more tricks and comes up with a full-frontal computer image of the driver's face. Patton moves on over to Soul Patch to see if he can come up with a formal ID for the driver. Soul Patch gets all "I'm ten times smarter than you" on Patton's ass and comes up with a driver's license for the guy in, like, one point eight seconds.
"Gustavo Hernandez," says Soul Patch. "Did the identi-kit come in?" asks Billy. "Mm-hm," says Patton, pulling out a picture of the guy. "A system man who killed our agent in Havana." Wait a second. He's had this "identi-kit" in his hands all this time? Was this the identi-kit for this one guy or for all the guys? I mean, he's got it right there, and he couldn't ID this guy from Paige's handiwork not seconds before? Man, I don't know what the hell is going on. "A month ago," says Billy, "Hernandez was spotted in Fort Lauderdale gun shopping with our assassin, Ruben Navarro." Way to state the bleeding obvious, Billy.
GUSTAVO HERNANDEZ'S APARTMENT. MIAMI, FLORIDA. Whoa. A collection of FBI SWAT guys busts into the apartment, guns a-blazin'. They throw tear gas and then storm around looking all buff and stuff. Too bad Hernandez isn't there to enjoy it. After they clear the area and make mental notes to tell all the hot chicks at the margarita bar later about how they kicked down a door, Jeanie walks in like she's been to this apartment before for a friendly game of Trivial Pursuit. She goes immediately to a desk with a computer on it and starts rifling through some papers. She requests a computer tech to hack into Hernandez's computer.
Big Cheese Central. Rocky enters and tells Cheese that they can't find Hernandez and there's still no sign of Navarro. But Jeanie managed to get into Hernandez's financial records, and he's been pulling money from his money market account. Rocky thinks that Hernandez might be bankrolling Navarro. "We've gotta tell the Cubans," says Cheese. "Even if they use it against us?" asks Rocky. "I can't control that!" shouts Cheese. "We have to give them everything we know now. Call up the Cuban Interest section at the Russian Embassy, set up a meet, and deliver the file on Navarro."
Back at Hernandez's, the hacker's trying to access phone records so they can trace Hernandez's travel to Cuba. The hacker gets something, but the files are encrypted; it's how they're encrypted that is of interest. Why is that of interest? I don't know because, even though they show the computer screen with these things running across it, I can't tell what they are, because this tape SUCKS ASS. I seriously hate Wedge and his stupid fucking VCR right now.
Meanwhile, Rocky pulls up in some back alley somewhere and pulls the Navarro file out of his briefcase. Obviously, he's set up a "meet" relatively quickly with the Cubans. He pulls out his cellphone and sets it on the dashboard.
Hernandez's Hideaway. "It's an asymmetric encryption technique based on very large prime numbers," says the hacker. "But the operator was lazy. He filled in blank spaces with meaningless additive keys. The same set, every time." "We're going to need this in English," says Jeanie. Thank the Lord; I don't speak hacker. "The KGB used to do this back in the 1970s. They taught it to all their allies. But nobody does it anymore. Except --" "The Cuban Intelligence Service," finishes Jeanie, scrambling for her cellphone.
Rocky's phone rings, and he picks up. "Carl," says Jeanie on the other end. "It's the Cuban Intelligence Service. They're behind this." An unmarked van pulls up across from Rocky's car, and a guy in a trenchcoat gets out. Rocky can't hear Jeanie because she's breaking up. "Hernandez is with them!" she shouts. "It's not Hola Norteña. It's Castro's own people!" Rocky finally hears the words "Castro's" and "people" and "Hernandez" and "with them" and realizes just in time that he'd better get the hell out of there. He peels out just as Trenchcoat Guy is right outside his door. Nice save, Rocky.
Okay. Here's where it all gets explained to us as to why Castro's own people might want him dead. Pay attention. Because if I get anything wrong here, which is entirely possible, I'm going to depend on you people to correct me. I don't want to detail these garbled conversations any more than is absolutely necessary, okay? OKAY? Good.
Rocky, Patton, and Big Cheese are storming through the halls of the CIA. "It's gotta be the hard-line faction," says Rocky to the Big Cheese. "If they just wait for Castro to die, democracy could slip in and they'd all be out of a job." "But if they kill him themselves and frame us, their futures would be very secure," continues Patton. "This is why it's happening now," says Cheese. "They're afraid of a peaceful end." "You could call Castro directly, sir," says Patton. Cheese looks at Patton as if he's wearing a sparkly halter-top and a bright pink tutu. "I'm not on his buddy list, Jackson." Heh.
Back in Miami, Jeanie once again approaches Moray. "Where is he?" she asks, cutting to the chase. "Ah," says Moray, "the 'special investigator.'" "Ruben Navarro," says Jeanie. "Is he with Hernandez?" Moray pretends not to know what she's talking about. Jeanie tells Moray that he's being used and that Hernandez is with Cuban Intelligence. "Because you say so?" says Moray. "He and his friends want Castro assassinated so that they can stay in power. They're using you. And Navarro. They're playing him as a patriot." Moray ignores her. Jeanie suggests that the FBI already has enough to arrest Moray for conspiracy. "Maybe I'm using them," says Moray. "You knew?" asks Jeanie. "You spent your whole life fighting them. Killing Castro like this...the system won't change." Moray says nothing and gets into his car. Suddenly, shots ring out. Jeanie instinctively falls to the ground. She opens up Moray's door and he falls out, dead.
Later, Jeanie calls Patton and tells him that Moray's dead, and that the FBI's looking for Hernandez because they think he's the shooter. Patton thinks this makes sense, because Cuban Intelligence would get rid of anyone who knew what they were up to, especially if they knew that person was talking to the CIA. Billy gets on the line. "Lisa, it's [Billy]. I'm going to New York." "I'll meet you there," she says. "Good," he says. "You can help me walk in my brother's shoes." "What do you mean?" "He trained Navarro." Jeanie looks dismayed. Well, you'd be dismayed too if you learned that the guy you were sleeping with had been training killers on a daily basis.
Hacker Designs, Inc. Miles is pacing back and forth in front of a TV screen with images of Castro's arrival at Kennedy Airport playing on it. His talented crew of hackers and designers sits before him for a briefing. They're supposed to follow the faces that surround Castro in order to find Navarro. He wants them to focus on the eyes. That makes sense. The eyes are the windows to the soul, after all. Or maybe I've been watching too many back episodes of Brimstone on the Sci-Fi Channel. Oh, wait -- Miles is telling them to focus on the eyes so that they can find Navarro. "As he was trained by this organization, our task may be more difficult than usual," says Miles. "For when we have seen the enemy, he will be us." God, I love him. I loved him on thirtysomething and I love him now. Yummy.
Meanwhile, Cheese is on a conference call with the lead FBI guy in New York, discussing Castro security. Billy and Jeanie are sitting in on the call, and Cheese asks Billy to run down some possible scenarios. "Okay," says Billy. "My brother would have taught Navarro to conduct a target survey, which would have included evaluating Castro's security detail." "Someone on the inside would have tipped Navarro off to that," says Rocky. "Maybe, but Navarro's been in New York for a while. He's already chosen a site, considered all the possible variables, could've even done some pre-rigging." "Rigging of what?" asks the lead FBI guy. "Explosives, for one," explains Billy. "But Navarro wants Castro, not collateral damage. He thinks he's a patriot; he doesn't want to hurt anyone else. He won't take a shot unless Castro's completely in the clear. Bottom line? Navarro would have self-audited every aspect of the job and then asked himself what could go wrong. Then he'd make alternative plans of action." Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either.
UNITED NATIONS. NEW YORK CITY. According to mentions, Castro's due at this location in a half hour. No, I didn't mention it before. Did you even SEE all the frickin' dialogue I just transcribed? Castro's showing up at the UN in a half hour. Deal. By the way, the establishing shot they give us of the exterior of the UN must have been filmed back in 1978 or something. It's all grainy, and the police look like members of CHiPs.
They're rolling out the red carpet, and the news people are readying themselves for Castro's impending arrival. Security is tight. There are members of every security organization present and accounted for. Anyone could be the shooter. ANYONE.
Hacker Designs, Inc. Paige is eyeballing the screen, looking for anyone who stands out as their guy. "Time is running out," says Miles, leaning on her desk. "Castro hasn't reached the UN yet," says Paige. "Not for him, for me. Funeral starts at five o'clock," says Miles. He goes on to bitch about the wife and the family and I'm just thinking that, um, Castro's about to die, dude. Try not to be so self-centered here. As he's going on and on, he suddenly wakes up to a face on the screen and wonders who he is. Paige zooms in on the guy in question. "Can't see his eyes," she says. "That's the point," Miles says. "Hat, glasses, mustache -- too many accessories. Work on him." Sorry, but, uh, this "guy" is sporting a mustache that wouldn't have passed muster in my junior high drama club. It looks like it's made of badger hair and it's twice the size of his face. He's also wearing aviator sunglasses that cover the entirety of the upper part of his head. Dudes. DUDES. Don't you think that at least ONE of the many security agents over at the UN might have picked up on this idiot a little sooner than thirty minutes before Castro's arrival? Yeah, me too.
Jeanie drops Billy off in front of the UN, and he runs off in search of Badly Disguised Killer Guy. Inside the building, Badly Disguised Killer Guy sneaks into a janitor's closet and starts removing most of his disguising accoutrements. As he does this, we flash back to Paige, furiously working on Badly Disguised Killer Guy's identity at her computer. We return to Billy, walking down the red carpet, keeping his eyes peeled for the killer who, we all know, would be right to the red carpet with his gun waving, making Billy's first week on the job that much easier.
Back to BDKG, who is now removing his mustache and false teeth. Cut back to Paige, now removing his mustache and pasting a mouth on the face on her computer screen. Back once again to BDKG, who is wiping his face with a greasy towel. As he pulls the towel down over his face, we see that it's...wait for it...NAVARRO. At precisely the same time, Paige reveals the face on her screen as...wait for it...NAVARRO.
In the Panic Room, oh, sorry, I mean Conference Room, Patton's on the phone, telling someone that Navarro's using the name "Rudolph Zamora" and that he's been on the maintenance crew for the past few weeks. Billy books along outside the UN with an FBI agent as Patton talks to him on his cellphone. Billy and a bunch of security agents bust in on the same janitor's closet where Navarro was just recently removing his disguise. And guess what? Navarro's standing right there waving at them! Except he's so not.
Billy asks Patton where Castro is. Patton tells him that Castro's just about to make his entrance. Billy hauls ass outside, looking everywhere for Navarro. The camera pans up to a balcony where we see...wait for it...Navarro, now disguised as a UN security guard. He pulls out a small radio device. Billy scans the crowd. Castro's car pulls up. Navarro readies his finger over the button. Castro's almost exiting his car…
D'oh! Commercial break. Time to grab yet another Amstel.
Back to Tension Central. Castro's coming. Navarro's waiting. Billy's scanning. The Hackers and Designers scope the footage for some sign of Navarro. Castro exits his car and walks up the carpet, hugging, pressing hands, waving. Billy still uselessly scans. Castro swerves off to the left to kiss some baby. Navarro's lip twitches and he puts his radio device away and walks off as Billy runs up onto the balcony...wait for it...just seconds after Navarro exits!
"Castro's inside," says Billy on the phone to Patton. "Still no trace of Navarro." "Maybe we scared him off," says Patton. "I don't think so," says Billy. "But if he was out here, why didn't he take a shot? Castro was open. He waded into the crowd." Jeanie breaks in on the call to inform Billy that Hernandez was caught on hidden camera at the airport, which means he's in New York. Billy hears this but stops on the red carpet. "He took the wrong route," he says. "He flew in from Miami," says Jeanie, confused. "Not Hernandez," says Billy. "Castro."
Billy explains that Castro was supposed to follow a route along the red carpet but that he veered off and didn't follow protocol. This thinking leads Billy to the sprinkler system, just off to the right of the carpet. Billy walks over to a sprinkler and dismantles it, finding a pipe gun. Navarro apparently rigged the entire sprinkler system with these pipe guns that are designed to target a tiny kill zone. However, since Castro didn't follow the route Navarro thought he would, Navarro didn't have a casualty-free kill zone. So now it's on to Plan B.
Hacker Designs, Inc. Miles comes out of his office and explains the sprinkler/kill system for those idiots out there in the audience who didn't listen two seconds ago as Billy completely detailed Navarro's plan. Miles then bitches at his crew to keep deconstructing faces, because their killer may not have gone home yet. Um. Is Navarro the killer or not? Why would they continue to deconstruct faces if...oh, never mind.
Big Cheese is on the phone with the President, kissing ass and kowtowing brilliantly. The Prez wants Cheese to tell Castro's security detail about this situation so that if anything happens, the US will be in the clear. Cheese tries to explain to the President that Cuban Intelligence is involved, but the Prez is too busy interviewing new interns to pay attention to the CIA's little Cuban problems. Cheese gets off the phone with the Prez and informs the Spy Boys that the Prez said that if the CIA can prove Cuban Intelligence is responsible for this Castro situation, then they'll let the chips fall where they may. "Of course, one of those chips would be my job," says Cheese. Yeah, I don't know what anyone's talking about either.
Patton enters and says, "Sir, I've uncovered some rather disturbing information." "Oh, good!" quips Cheese. Heh. I'm liking him right about now. And what did I say about Patton being the Bad News Guy? Uh huh. Told you so. "Are you aware, sir, that when Ruben Navarro and Eric Callan [Billy's bro] were in Angola, Navarro saved Eric's life? They went under enemy fire, Eric was hit, Navarro went back for him and, apparently, we gave him a medal." Uh oh. "You don't say a word," instructs Cheese. "Sir, this could directly affect what happens in the field. Matt looks a lot like his brother and if Navarro --" "Not a word, Mr. Haisley! I don't want personal feelings interfering with the job!" "But, sir --" "Thank you, Mr. Haisley." Patton gives Cheese one last glare and exits. And what did I say about Patton and Cheese getting into it? What'd I say? That's right, people. Pay attention. I'm like fucking Nostradamus over here.
Meanwhile, Billy's being briefed by a security guy as they walk down a hallway. Some minor agent comes running in and earns his SAG card by announcing that Cuban Security has changed Castro's exit route and are taking him to the underground parking lot. "They're setting him up," shouts Billy. "THEY'RE SETTING HIM UP!" He runs off with all the security guys speeding after him.
A series of black cars enters the underground parking garage as we see, oh no, Hernandez come around a corner sporting a security badge. He "scopes" out the hallway and sees Navarro lying in wait, still disguised as a security guard. Hernandez nods at Navarro. Guess Navarro's ready to kill Castro.
A limo pulls up inside the garage and Hernandez approaches, saying something to one of the guards who's exiting the car. Billy runs down an escalator as Castro's escorted by a group of security guys down a carpeted hallway. Navarro rubs his hands on his pants. No, not like that! His palms are all sweaty! He's about to kill Fidel Castro, dudes! He's a wee bit nervous! Navarro pulls out his gun and gets ready. Elsewhere in the building, Billy slams around a corner and tries a door. Locked. He hits the elevator. Back down in the parking garage, Castro's about to come around the corner where Navarro's waiting. Suddenly, Billy jumps out a door onto a platform. He sees Navarro and shouts, "Secret Service!"
Navarro, figuring this is his only chance, ignores Billy and jumps out and attempts to aim at Castro. Castro's people shove Castro out of the way. Billy heaves himself over the side of the platform in slow motion and tackles Navarro to the ground. Billy and Navarro struggle on the ground as dozens of security guys scramble around with their thumbs up their butts. Castro's safely tossed into his limo, and Billy clocks Navarro a couple of times with some solid right hooks. Navarro kicks Billy off of him and stands, aiming his gun directly at Billy's head. But instead of firing a bullet directly into Billy's head, Navarro pauses, looking sort of confused.
"Callan?" says Navarro. "Señor Callan?" Before Billy can respond, "No no no. You must mean my brother. Did ya know him? Wasn't he cool?" Navarro gets shot in the back. When he falls to the ground, Hernandez is standing behind him. Billy looks up, expecting to be shot as well, but Hernandez just offers him a hand up, says "gracias," and walks away. Um. Okay. I thought Hernandez was one of the bad guys but, you know, whatever. Billy inexplicably takes the gun from Navarro's hand and shoves it in his pants. No, not like that!
Days later, Rocky's back in his car, about to make "the drop." The National Spy Players are gathered in Cheese's office. "What's in the file now?" asks Billy. "Everything that ties Hernandez to the plot should be in Castro's hands by tonight," says Cheese. Jeanie wants to know if they can trust the guy picking up the file. "The President called Castro personally," says Cheese. "He's expecting this." "Navarro knew me," says Billy. "He knew me." "He knew your brother," says Patton portentously.
Hacker Designs, Inc. Miles returns from the ex's funeral. Paige wants to know how it went. "Well, it's a great day for world peace," responds Miles. "Castro's safe and the evil ex is dead and buried in the ground. I spoke." "Really?" says Paige. "Yes. I gave a lovely speech about the challenges we face as we grow old, when those around us start to fade. The ex-wife, Fidel Castro; I don't know who I'll miss more." What? What the hell is he talking about? Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either.
In what I'm assuming will soon be known as the official CIA Bar, Jeanie asks Billy how it went with the cops. "No one likes to get handed a body," he responds. That's not entirely true, Billy. Some people really enjoy being handed a body. Especially when it's a body that resembles that of Ewan McGregor. "You okay?" she asks. "I will be," he says. "I'm glad you're back, Matt," she says, flickering her long lashes in his direction. "Just checkin' up on my brother's girl," he says, looking forward to the day when Jeanie will be completely over his dead brother and he can commence knockin' da boots with her big time. Jeanie says she misses Eric, and that he'd be really proud of Billy for how great a job he did this past week. "Well," says Billy, checking out her butt, "every day we're not in the news is a day we've won." "Right," she says, checking out his package and hoping he doesn't talk this much when they're doing it. They clink glasses, and Billy suddenly notices that Patton's slumped at a table over yonder. He makes his way over to Patton.
"Hey, buddy," says Billy. Patton blearily looks up at him. "You'd question an order some day, wouldn't you?" Patton asks. "Right now, I'm questioning everything." "Come on, Jackson," Billy says. "I'm gonna put you in a cab."
Outside, Billy shuts the cab door and Patton drunkenly leans his head out the window. "You gonna be all right?" Billy asks with a smile. "Your brother didn't have to die," intones Patton as the cab speeds off. Billy stares off after the cab as the Capitol looms in the distance.
week: I have no idea. Something about our planes shooting down a plane full of missionaries, and there are Colombians involved (or not), and some woman's husband may be a drug runner...I don't know. I really don't.