This is it. This is the end. I can't believe it. C'mon, ladies. Ho one last time for Stee. Ho like you've never hoed before...
C'mon, let's dive right into the skank-invested waters, shall we? Previously: Eight New Couples headed out all over poor Costa Rica, sullying the island -- well, sullying it in ways other than the constant barrage of American college kids who go to buy and smoke massive quantities of weed and stare at birds. Debbie called it heaven. Kelley thanked Ali for the fucking...and a flower he picked for her. They're still trying to convince us that Shannon actually dug Kevin: she called him perfect, with absolutely no emotion on her face. John, with the same lack of anything in his voice, lied that it was hard to fight the attraction to Nayla. He gave her an ultra-chaste hug at the door of their ho-cienda.
Meanwhile, Edmundo, Catherine, Kelley, and Mark used the dates to do some shit about deepening bonds of passion and crap. (In other words, they all fucked like bunnies.) Catherine lied that it was a perfect evening, already so moving back in with Edmundo.
As Nikkole repeatedly gave it to one of New York's Bravest, Tommy wasted a perfectly good Katie, instead just moping about Nikkole being busy giving new meaning to the word Tommyknocker.
After the dates. Emotional farewell. Nayla thanks John for letting her try out the absorbency of his soul patch. The hos horse off. Then the couples cry with the harsh realization that their new loves are gone...but more importantly, their wack-ass fifteen minutes of pseudo-fame are coming to a swift and unpleasant end. And then there's the final bonfire, deciding the fate of their relationships...and marking the end of Mark L. Walberg's career.
Bonfire. Kelley. Slo-mo. Walking. Nothing moves. You know why. The Music of Mark L. Walberg's Hideous Purple Shirt plays as His Toolship repeatedly calls her "Kell" and gives her an unreturned hug. The producers rethink not scripting lines for Mark L. Walberg as he can only come up with "This isn't easy." Kelley agrees, since she has to. Desperate to end the uncomfortable one-on-one meeting with Mark L. Walberg, she says she's ready to face her sucky man. Mark L. Walberg fucks up and talks to the camera, asking them to bring in Mark. Yeah, that's it for Mark L. Walberg. Apple One here you come.
Mark swishes out in slo-mo, and Mark L. Walberg advises them that this is not a dialogue, but a chance for each of them to talk and then be heard. Mark is first. "Speak from your heart," Mark L. Walberg says, his own heart already shattered into a million pieces by everyone from his parents, to classmates, to dogs who've all run away, to the seven women he's managed to get to agree to sleep with him over the years. A million pieces. He goes on that Mark is then to decide the fate of their very-real-and- totally-not-fake-at-all relationship. Mark pretends to care.
Mark blahs that on their final dinner before splitting up for the show, they were both crying and thinking they had an unbreakable relationship (how can you break that which is not real?), but then came missing each other, and the videos. Mark, starting to cry in such a pussy fashion, describes a scene in which he saw Kelley go into a room with a dude (Keebler Tom) and get into bed, "and it wasn't easy." I don't think being in bed with the suck that is Keebler Tom was easy for Kelley, either. Oh yeah, but Keebler Tom, in his own puppy-dog way, justified her existence for that one night. And of course, that's something she needs. Desperately. Constantly. Mark goes on that meanwhile he was doing whatever he was doing on his side of the island and though the girl they picked for him (Magalie the whore who showed her vulva to all of Costa Rica) sucked, he did find someone. He tries to describe Debbie, but Kelley doesn't give a shit. Mark cries...cries, saying, "She's a model in L.A." Hee. Heeeeeee. He lies that Debbie has a lot going for her -- implying that he means something other than her honed-over-years- of-practice blowjobs (no teeth at all), which of course, we all know, is untrue. He continues, losing Kelley, that Debbie has stuff that Mark thinks Kelley is lacking. Word, that's a fucking dis.
All right, so it's more fun from here on out to pretend that Mark actually cares about Kelley and girls in general, so let's run with that mostly false assumption. He continues that they had a good time last night, but did not have sex. He says they cuddled and shit, but that every time he was with Debbie, he was thinking of Kelley. He cries like a big fucking girl, saying that everywhere he went, he thought of Kelley. He goes on, saying probably the worst thing a man has ever said to a woman when actually trying to be nice: "So I learned that even though you were lacking some things, I would rather be with you." That's his decision. Kelley weeps, unable to believe she went out with this fuckhead, dipshit, lame-brain in the first place. Mark L. Walberg says it's Kelley's turn. Good: shut up Mark. Both Marks.
Kelley. Talking. She says that coming there was the first time in her life she was ever alone, and she was afraid. She moans on that Keebler Tom took her under his wing and they kissed and she flipped out because Mark kept coming into her head (as opposed to Keebler Tom, who was busy coming on her head) and it felt wrong and she had to keep reminding herself that she was there to try to get fame...I mean, "to be single for a while." She continues on that her third selection was someone to whom she felt more attracted (poor Keebler) and with Ali, she felt that she'd known him for a long time and he treated her like a lady and lied that she was worth everything that she wants and she shouldn't feel less of a person, like she does with Mark. (Man, dudes will say some fucking crazy shit to get laid.) She cries more and more now about an amazing connection and they snuggled and kissed and held hands and she didn't sleep with him, "...but I let him treat me like a lady." (In other words, he went down on her.) She goes on that cunnilingus is extremely important to her and it's something she needs and, really crying now, she says she realized from "these people" that she has dreams and needs and wants and that she doesn't want to put them aside anymore. She says she can't stay in Tampa because there is so much more in this world for her. Crying. Crying. "I have to get out of this relationship," she says. Heeeeee! Mark L. Walberg smirks. Mark throws a Kleenex in her whore lap and gets up. HAAAAAA! Heee. Hoooooo. Hoooooo. Heeeeeeeee. He walks away. She cries. The Music Of The Show Finally Breaking Up A Couple plays as Kelley weeps us into commercials.
Shannon's turn. She slo-mos on out, already having scanned the island for John to try to get to him first, using a snorkel and night-vision goggles, I'm sure. Shannon gives Mark L. Walberg a fake hug and says that she's okay. She puts on her Scary Listening Face as Mark L. Walberg tools that he wanted a chance to talk to her. He goes on to remind her that they talked about control before, and that during a bonfire he told her, in front of all the girls, that he'd been thinking about her when he's not with her. Ew! Whoa. Mark L. Walberg loves Shannon! He blathers on that he always caught her trying to talk to John during poolside meetings. Continuing, he says that he can tell her this, and wanted to tell her alone, not to embarrass her in front of the other girls...Okay, here we go! "I know about the notes," he says. Shannon instantly loses her smile. Hee. He goes on that the notes never got to John, and that maybe Shannon wrote them to try to give herself solace and "bring bearing on what is." Whatever that means. Shannon says that she feels "vulnerable" and that, yes, it's a foreign feeling for her. Mark L. Walberg then opens up to us, without anyone ever asking, that he knows from his own life that vulnerability is a symptom of being scared to death. (Mark L. Walberg is constantly feeling alone and vulnerable and scared to death.) Shannon cries that she doesn't want to be alone. Mark L. Walberg tells Shannon that she doesn't have to be a rock, and she cries. Bleh. Shannon continues that she has a big support system at home, and she doesn't have that here. Mark L. Walberg asks if she's learned anything from that feeling. Shannon nods her head and says she's learned that it's okay and to draw strength from it and that she's not a weak person for feeling this. Uh, yes she is. And crazy. Shannon says she's ready for John.
John. Walking. Shannon shudders. Mark L. Walberg stares. John smiles at Shannon. Shannon looks down. To Mark L. Walberg. John! Shannon! John! Commercials.
Back. Mark L. Walberg, leaning in, desperate to be accepted and talked to and loved. He gives Shannon time to "speak from [her] heart" and tells John to listen. Just listen. Just listen, fucker. Oh yeah, and smirk righteously. That's what you do best.
Shannon. Here come the dramatics. Okay. So Shannon says that this was the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her whole life. She says that she met ten of the greatest guys and "three" of the greatest girls she's met in her life. (Which of the four, including Genevieve, is she leaving out? Which of the boy hos?) John also starts with the dramatics, putting his fist to his face and crying and shit. God. The both of them. They deserve to be together. Forever. She goes on to say that all these people were her friends and she decided after about ten days she should surround herself with the most positive influence on the island (Chester, the dog?) and there was so much negative going on and (cry, cry) she hated it. (In other words, she hated watching people get together on fucking Temptation Island 2 -- GOD she pisses me off.) She begins the Kevin bullshit that she got really close to him and his Gigantic Soul Patch and he's a great guy and John should know this and he's crying too and fuck off. Kevin has passion and Shannon learned a lot from him. On their final date, they learned and "went really, really deep" and she needs to learn to respect herself and their relationship and she cries that she's sorry she's taken John and their relationship for granted and "mothered" him and put up a wall and judged him by standards of her past but John is not her past but, she hopes, her future. She wants to fight and cherish and she's sorry she hasn't and if that's what she takes away from this and even if John doesn't want to, it's good and her love has grown stronger and that's her decision. "I love you," says Shannon. "We don't give a fuck," says America.
John. It's his turn. He wipes the single tear from his face very conspicuously so that any casting person out there would make sure to take note of his range. Shannon cries. John talks. He says that in the first video, he saw her doing a shot at the bar, and he flipped. What? He agrees that it was innocent, but says it hurt him when the dude on the tape said that he didn't think John and Shannon's relationship was good. John says that he then avoided everything and now regrets it. (He works in a bar, yes? And he's upset about girls drinking? Just checking.) He starts talking about a bus date with Nayla and some bullshit about her rubbing his hand and they got close -- this, Shannon looks very upset about. John says that Nayla is Shannon and has gone through a mirror image of Shannon's past and she helped him get through this. Huh? She got cheated on, I guess. John goes on that he doesn't get close to people but he got close to Nayla and even hugged her. Wow! Shannon is not impressed. Neither is the Casting Society of America.
John takes out a letter Shannon wrote at the beginning of the season. Shannon cries. John says something about letters from ex-girlfriends and that feelings don't last forever. More crying. John says he read this letter every day. "Every day," he repeats. Got it. He preaches that he needed this, and it took him right back to her. He goes on to say that his decision is to be with her "like [she] wouldn't believe." He tells Mark L. Walberg that he's going to break rules (what a rebel!!!) and hug Shannon. They hug. Mark L. Walberg looks like he's about to cry...which he certainly will be doing later. Shannon says that she was scared, and she loves John so much. Mark L. Walberg, unable to watch to happy people any longer, tells them to get the fuck out of there. Commercials.
Ah, here's Catherine. In twelve hours, the silicon levels in Costa Rica will drop about 40%. Mark L. Walberg, ever trying to ingratiate himself, calls her "Miss Catherine" and says that he understands why she's nervous. She doesn't listen. He goes on that her heart must be "pounding out of [her] chest." I don't think that's physically possible with her. Mark L. Walberg goes on that she hasn't seen Edmundo in a while, and that this is coming to an end. Mark L. Walberg's improv skills prove to be even less sharp than Chris Burke from Life Goes On auditing a Second City class, as he totally runs out of things to say and just asks again what she's feeling. Catherine says she's scared that what she's going to say will hurt Edmundo. Oh, bullshit. You're worried he'll reject you. Wishing desperately for cue cards, Mark L. Walberg says something about how she looks different than at the beginning of this and that she should be ready for Edmundo to look different as well. She nods, all serious, all hatred for Mark L. Walberg, and says she's ready.
Edmundo. In slo-mo. Catherine smiles at him and he looks away. It's Edmundo's turn to talk first, and Mark L. Walberg tells him not to leave anything unsaid or leave with regrets. Edmundo starts by saying that it was different than he thought it would be. He didn't think he'd have much feeling and didn't at the beginning, but then he met someone who was nice and had "a lot of qualities." (Read: gave good head.) This is Hillary. He says they had "intimate moments," and Catherine looks ready to kill, as Edmundo babbles on about getting lost in the moment. (Read: her mouth.) He leaves out the part about Hil going fucking psycho on him and having to be carried off the island in chains, but that's for another time. Edmundo goes on about this being the first feeling of romance he's had other than with Catherine. Huh? Edmundo tools on that it bothers him that Catherine has flirtatious eyes, and that when they brought "this character Brian" on -- and Catherine smiles -- that she gave Brian the "fuck me" eyes and Edmundo thought they were only for him. Dude, they're for everyone. How do you think she got a couple national tours? Her "talent"? Edmundo says that the middle of his journey was for him, and that he hung with Linda. Catherine goes cold again. Like a faucet, this girl. Edmundo says something unintelligible about how in your life you're always sometimes going to meet someone you think you could really be with and what a perfect fit. He goes on that he wasn't looking for someone...but whether it moves to a higher level or stays as friends is not for him to say right now. Whoa. He goes on that he'd be cheating himself and her if he didn't "explore Linda" off the island. Heeeee. Catherine is sharpening her claws. Edmundo adds on that he loves Catherine, but that there may be other possibilities and feelings involved and he just knows that he can't deny a feeling that was created on this island...but at the same time he thinks that if his love for her were true, he would be willing to give them a chance and so his final decision is basically to work things out with her but he knows she might not accept what he's saying and she might not want him to explore the situation he's found here on the island. Okay: whoa! Edmundo is saying that he'll chill with Catherine but that he's going to be fucking Linda also, and can Catherine accept that? Goddamn, that's funny. (The best part is when he's talking about Linda the music is all sad...and then when he basically says he'll still fuck Catherine, the music gets all end-of-A.I. and redemptive. Fucking funny.) Okay, let's see what happens now....
Catherine looks away. Then back. Stink-eyes everywhere. So mad. So fucking mad. I would not want her to be mad at me. Seriously. Catherine smiles...and we go to commercials.
Back. Mark L. Walberg, also unable to believe the shit Edmundo just said, tells Catherine that it's time for her to speak her heart and then to tell Edmundo what her decision is. Catherine sweats and smiles. I do, too.
Catherine says that this was harder than she ever thought possible and that what she saw at bonfire devastated and disappointed her. She says she put Edmundo on a pedestal, but then she saw him in a way she never thought she would and that it hurt and angered and saddened her. It was, however, that pain that allowed her to put herself first and let herself meet the "three guys." She goes on to say that the guys said stuff she hasn't heard in a while (because they were trying to fuck her) and they "opened up [her] eyes." (I think they "opened up" more than her eyes.) Edmundo looks down. She says that her journey was "different," and that it was about emotional bonds. Yes, she kissed and cuddled Brian, but that's as far as it went. (Lies!) The scolded puppy Edmundo nods (the puppy is scolded but still will go and do what it wants...) as Catherine whores that she wants to be appreciated and she's not the naïve girl Edmundo thinks. She lies that she can stand on her own two feet and knows what she wants and knows she can do it on her own (Mark L. Walberg stares, bored, sad, confused...) and she wants to take the strength she's gained and apply it to their relationship. Aw. How pukey-sweet.
Catherine says she doesn't "expect" Edmundo to "pursue other people." Edmundo nods, but he's really thinking, "Um, but I told you I was gonna be fucking both of you. What happened to that whole...fuck it, I'll work that part out later." Catherine goes on, "I know we can blow people away." Heeeeee. Mark L. Walberg tries not to laugh. Catherine goes on that she loves Edmundo and they can have everything they've ever wanted. She searches his eyes...finds nothing. They just stare for a long time at their soiled skank hands, Edmundo still wondering, "What about that whole fucking two women...all right. Later. Later, I'll bring it up." She reaches her hand toward him. Finally, they hug. So breaking up, these two. Very soon. Mark L. Walberg just stares. Even he's confused as to what they've decided. Catherine says, "I missed you." Edmundo lies that he did, too...and then, unable to wait, he says that, um, it's not that easy just to leave things here on the island. Catherine, still not getting it, says that she's not going to hold anything he did against him. She says she doesn't expect him not to take with him what he's learned. Edmundo, totally mind-fucked at this point, tries to clarify, but is too scared to come right out and say the fucking two girls thing again. He just smiles.
Sick of them, Mark L. Walberg interrupts, saying that Edmundo and Catherine have had an intimate conversation and that they have lots to work out, but that it's time for them to leave. "Good," says Edmundo. They walk away, leaving Mark L. Walberg staring, the saddest, Spanky-est look on his face yet. Commercials.
Mark L. Walberg. Sitting alone. Contemplating his utter aloneness. Ah, there's Nikkole, walking in slo-mo. Mark L. Walberg stands and greets her. They hug. She asks how he's doing and he, unaccustomed to anyone ever asking that, babbles that he's okay in "this bonfire place." She laughs, totally confused. He talks, trying to cover his stupidity. He says she's had all day to contemplate her decision and what she's going to say tonight. Nikkole just says she's ready...so ready to get this over with.
Tommy emerges from the trees in slo-mo. Nikkole sighs, hating the sight of his suck face. She tries to be civil and smile, but he won't look at her. Mark L. Walberg. Tommy. Nikkole. Mark L. Walberg says that Tommy has to speak first. Tommy, furrowing like Tyson, asks if he has to speak first, and whether it really matters, and Mark L. Walberg, having no real answer, says that, yes, he has to speak first. Lovely exchange, guys.
Tommy. Please make this quick, Tommy. You tire me so. Nikkole stares and smirks as Tommy says that it's been a long time and that his experience has been different than hers -- unfortunately for him, because he didn't meet someone special...although she probably saw tape of him making out. He says that it was all more physical for him. Nice defense. With Nikkole, it was more than that. And he saw video of her with a guy on top of her "tonguing [her] down." Nikkole rolls her eyes. Tommy goes on that it was pretty intense to watch and maybe he did some shit (she nods, furiously), but he knows for a fact that he didn't do anything that extreme. She rolls her eyes. He barrels right on, saying he's been wondering whether it was physical or emotional for Nikkole, and figured it was emotional, and that he has some "concerns" about it. He stops, knowing he's making no sense, and says that this is hard for him. It's hard for me to recap, you mush-mouth. He turns and says that he knows for a "fact" that Nikkole is a good person, but that he doesn't think they bring out the best in each other. He says he doesn't want to break up "like this," but that he thinks it would be in their best interest -- especially hers -- if they take some time apart. She has tears in her eyes, but really not many. Five or six, perhaps. He says they've had some good times, but that he doesn't want to hold her back. (Man, this makes it easy for him to bail, doesn't it?) A tear rolls down her face. "That's pretty much all I have to say at this point right now," he concludes. Beautiful.
Nikkole. Crying a wee bit. She says she came to the island thinking the whole "issue" was about getting married and the fact that they weren't yet. She says she shouldn't have pushed him and given him an ultimatum for marriage. On their final dinner, they bickered, and he even wanted to leave early, and that really bothered her. She says that Tommy had a chance that would have made "all the difference in the world" if he'd sent her a video message so that she could have felt that he cared. He nods. (Okay, it was bullshit of him, but at the same time, the girls are coming on here and justifying that once the man did something or didn't do something, then they went and hoed around. That's some bullshit, too. Tit for bullshit tat.) Nikkole says it was hard to open up the box and not have a tape...so she opened her own box to "other people" and met someone that really made her open her eyes to a lot of things and made her realize that she deserves to be cherished and cared for and appreciated. Fire Tommy made her feel good about herself, and being on the island made her realize that she really loves Tommy with all her heart...but. They're both very good people, they're just not good together, she says, crying. She looks to Mark L. Walberg, over with it just like that.
Mark L. Walberg says that their time there is done. They bail. Mark L. Walberg stands up, satisfied that he's brought two happy people apart, to be lonely. Like him. Everyone should be lonely like him, he thinks. It removes some of the pain. That and gin. And porn. That helps a little, too.
Tommy and Nikkole walk out of the bonfire area, but helpfully stand nearby where we can see and hear them. They hug. Nikkole says they knew this was going to happen, right? Yeah. So did we. Nikkole says the videotape she saw was bad. He thinks she means the lapdance. Nope. She says that he was in bed with someone and reached over to get a condom (thanks, Shannon). Tommy says he didn't get a condom at all. He says he took off his pants because he had boxers on, and, trying to get out of this, smartly, craftily asks, "That's all they showed you?" Nikkole should bluff, but doesn't, and says yes. Tommy argues more that he had boxers on, but "nothing happened." I can't believe Tommy is pulling the Shaggy defense: "It wasn't me." So funny. Tommy then comes back with the fact that he saw Nikkole "spread eagle." He says there was passionate kissing and everyone saw it. Nikkole says she doesn't remember, but "all right." Hee. Now they argue about Tommy having his face in a girl's crotch during the lapdance. "All right, baby. I know," he says. "But at least it was in public." Hee. They both have points, here, and Nikkole acquiesces, and they walk. As they disappear, Tommy says that she hooked up "with a dude," and she's going to have to tell him about that. "No, I don't have to tell you about anything," and those are the last words we hear from Temptation Island 2, because with that, they're gone.
Ooh. We learn, during a video montage, via titles, what became of the couples. Goody!
"Moments after final bonfire, Catherine and Edmundo exchanged intimate details about their island experience. Before the night was over...they decided to end their 3 year relationship." Heeeeeeeeeee. See ya!
"Upon returning to Florida, Kelley moved out of Mark's house. They remain friends." Sure they do.
"John and Shannon sequestered themselves in Shannon's house for 5 passionate days. John moved in a few days later." Wow. "Sequestered." There's a word 75% of the TI2 audience doesn't know.
"After returning home, Nikkole packed up her things and moved to Los Angeles. 2 months later, she moved back to Chicago...and is once again living with Tommy." Aw! Rip-off!
Well. I don't know what to say, kids. Every ending is like a little death. And maybe you and I will be like Edmundo and Catherine. We'll think things are fine but then we'll never see each other again. Or maybe, just maybe, we'll be like Tommy and Nikkole. Things will look hopeless for us, and we'll venture out on our own. But then two months from now...we'll turn tail and come running back to each other. Let's hope.
Good night, Mark L. Walberg. Wherever you are.