Only one left after this. So sad. So very very very sad. How does Becker stay on the air but not this? There is no justice.
Previously! Girl bonfire. The ladies got a new sense of "defiance" after seeing their men grab some ho booty. "Shadows of doubt" were cast on their relationships. Meanwhile, the boys got mad seeing their ladies slut around. Tommy was pissed. Edmundo was pissed. Final night of ho-age! Ali got busy with Kelley while Brian fucked shit up by trying to talk too much about Edmundo.
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Day 19. Ha -- Mark L. Walberg sits, waiting for the ladies, hanging his head. He's sure they'll never show up. He's absolutely sure. This always happens to him. Girls are supposed to come by and then -- Whoa! The ladies actually show! They all ignore him and sit. He starts nervously babbling that this is it and it's Final Date Selection time. In a quick flashback, we see the girls booting Aaron, which didn't even merit an actual segment on the show. Mark L. Walberg keeps on babbling, but like America, like Mom, like females in general -- I ignore him. The boy hos come out, and the ladies start laughing their asses off -- so does Mark L. Walberg -- as Rossi comes out in a suit and Keelber Tom in yellow overalls. Kelley -- dumb enough to have to verbalize what everyone has already found funny and begun to laugh at -- goes, "Look at Rossi!" Man, do you get the feeling Kelley ain't too bright? Mark L. Walberg makes some comments, calling the guys "clowns," going on to ask the ladies not to look past the importance of this final decision. Look how hard Mark L. Walberg is trying to get the girls to ignore the "cool" guys and pick someone else for once. You can't change your past, Mark L. Walberg. Sorry, buddy. Mark L. Walberg continues babbling about the significance and taking the decision seriously. They are, dude. Chill. You still won't get picked.
Catherine is first. She whores that "this person" makes her feel a "pure happiness" and that the guy thinks you can find everything in one person and shouldn't settle for less and she's not done "exploring" this person. She walks over in Slo-Mo and Rossi is all sad and there are many cuts and...it's Brian. I guess Brian didn't fuck it up. Yet. He starts camera-tooling that he has to try to step up and take Edmundo's place. That shouldn't be hard: just treat Catherine like shit, force her to get implants, and then sleep around a lot.
Shannon. She babbles about someone opening her eyes to lots of things about passion and loving what he does and he's "wonderful." It's the windsurfer dude, Kevin. Do they even still do windsurfing? I don't think so. Anyway, he babbles that he was the quiet guy and who would have thought it would be him and trust is important and he doesn't open up to everyone. The speech is so cut up they have him say, "She's been a special person now that I can say that I've known in my life." Wow. That's a really bold statement. True love, right there. True...ah, forget it. .
Nikkole. She talks...but why bother. She talks of connections and everyone knows who she's choosing. She says this person is "the sexiest man alive." She's picking Harry Hamlin from L.A. Law?! Oh, no, it's Fire Tommy. She walks in slo-mo and they hug. He voice-overs that he thinks he's made her see the light, and he's changed her life. He lies that if that's all that comes from this (as long as he gets laid, which I'm sure is implicit in there), he'll be fine with that. After they walk back together, Mark L. Walberg looks up at Fire Tommy and says, "Sexiest Man Alive," obviously agreeing, since he doesn't laugh. Wow. Mark L. Walberg is loud and proud.
Last is Kelley. She says the decision is difficult and she's met two great people but she's going with her gut (vagina) and she loves this person's eyes and wants to get to know him better. Kelley starts walking and Mark L. Walberg mouths "let it be me let it be me" over and over until she walks in Slo-Mo right past him...and up to Ali. Ha! Fuck you, Keebler Tom. You tried to get all the girls, any girl, and ended up going home early and alone. Meanwhile, Ali was just being himself and sure, I didn't think he had a chance in hell, but he got the girl and you're going home alone. Squeaky wheel, squeak on, motherfucker. Ali starts camera-talking that first he was attracted to Kelley physically (oh, don't even try to go on with that statement, Ali...), but then he realized she was the nicest, kindest person and "a real sweetheart." Whatever. He goes on to say that he knows the date will be fun because he'll be with her. And because she can suck dick like Marilyn Chambers after a handful of 'ludes.
Mark L. Walberg babbles about this is your last date and don't waste it or have any regrets. He turns to the booted boy hos and says he'll personally miss them, but see ya later. The booted get sad little hugs. Commercials.
Back. Ladies' side. The new couples come out of the trees to load up their gear for their big dates...and to say "fuck off" to the booted. Kelley lies, talking about Powerful Emotions and how much it hurts finally to be rid of the annoying Rossi and whiny Keebler Tom...and those two other dudes no one gives a fuck about. Nikkole now lies that she's sad, especially about Keebler Tom. She says he, like a perfect girlfriend, helped all the girls, and she's really going to miss him. Oh, sad. He was "the friend." I thought that was Ali. Ali must have positioned himself out of that role just in time. There is hugging. Hugging. Keebler Tom now camera-talks that they are all great women, but their men aren't treating them well. He goes on to counsel us never to settle. Okay, Keebler Tom. Now please leave. Nikkole says that Fire Tommy loves Rossi so much and is going to miss him. We see Rossi and Fire Tommy hug, in flashback. She goes on to say that Rossi is hurting because of Catherine, and Fire Tommy thinks it's best that Rossi get booted and not have to deal with it anymore. Like a perfect bitch who doesn't think she's a bitch, Catherine camera-talks that she got to hug Rossi last and how they have something so special and no one will ever take it away...meanwhile, she's holding Brian's cock in her hand, watching her great "friend" leave. Sigh -- now Rossi is talking, lying that it was never "about" hooking up with Catherine, but about getting her to see that Edmundo doesn't treat her well. Yeah, justify however you want, brother...as you rent the headphones for three dollars so you can watch America's Sweethearts, crying, eating stale peanuts....
The booted get on their horses and Nikkole gives a thumbs-up and they ride off. Shannon cries to us that she loves Keebler Tom and Rossi and she never knew how strong the bond was until they gave them the big, fat boot. The ladies hold each other and cry. Fire Tommy almost cries. So does Ali. Brian couldn't care less. Shannon continues that it's not the same...the whole time, absolutely no tears are shed for the other two. Hee.
Other side. Nayla slut-overs that it feels like a ghost town now, whereas before it was chock full of hos everywhere, running around being ho-y. Kristin (what are you still doing here?) says that no words can describe what went on on the island. Then don't try! She says it all lives up in her head. Good. It should have plenty of room up there.
Horses. Hugging. Saying goodbye to the hos. Kristin tells us that she thinks Nayla's emotions are wrapped up in John, and it's going to be ugly and dangerous. Yeah. Jocelyn (big-tittied new girl) goes on that she doesn't know why Tommy didn't pick Kristin. Well, he already hit that. Now Tommy, as we see him hugging Kristin, says that right before the final date selection, Kristin had cried to him that she was worried about causing friction with Nikkole -- she didn't want to get her ass kicked -- so that's why he didn't pick her. The sluts get on the horses and ride away, everyone waving very very half-heartedly. John just smiles. Tommy yells "Kristin!" like Vince Vaughn watching Joaquin Phoenix about to be executed. Now Kristin, since there are no words to describe it, tries again to describe it...by saying that there are no words to describe it. I just realized she looks like a Muppet...and suddenly I like her more. Commercials.
Back. Morning. Day 20. Ladies' side. Hey, what happened to last night?! Oh well. The couples all wake up in their slut beds. Shannon goes on that the other three couples are actually couples now, and it's weird to be around them as they act like they've been together for years. Whores. All of them.
Plane. Rickety plane. Mark says he's excited for his date with Debbie. We can tell he's not. The kids get on various shoddy planes. They start up and take off. No one dies. We get a graphic of a map showing the whore couples all going off in different directions. Ali and Kelley in a plane. Kelley tells us that she likes Ali and...basically, she tells us he's going to get him some. They land. Map. Birds. Beach. Boat. End travel montage. Good. I couldn't tell what the fuck was going on.
Hotel. Shannon and Kevin. It's on the beach, and they talk about how cool it is. Shannon camera-talks that the best part of Kevin is that they can just sit in silence and enjoy each other's company. Silence: good. Oh, ew. We see them just smile at each other all creepy, thinking they're all "deep." Kevin, stoned out of his fucking mind, camera-talks how trippy it was and they can, like, say so many things to each other without even saying anything. He goes on to declare that this experience was "awesome." Good assessment.
Spa. Resort. At the bottom of the volcano. John and Nayla. They hike into a cave and bats fly by and John and Nayla laugh, holding flashlights. John says they walked and talked about personal things. Nayla whores that she wants John, but is even more attracted to him now that she knows him. Then you should know you ain't gettin' none, honey.
Nikkole and Fire Tommy. Nikkole says they haven't gotten to be alone much. They ride on a boat through the jungle and there are monkeys and birds. Then they take these weird paddle-bike-boats up the river. Alligators! Run! Nikkole goes on that they're both laid back and Tommy her boyfriend is too much of a drama queen. Hee.
Tommy and Katie. They take boats and boats and boats to a resort. She camera-talks, looking like she's having a terrible time, that they talked about Tommy's relationship (after twenty days, what more about the stupid relationship do these poor girl hos have to hear?), but Tommy wasn't "there." We see them sitting and eating, and Katie has to try to get Tommy's attention. Acting like they're already going out, he says that he may not always look at her, but he's listening to her. Poor Katie. They walk on the beach as Tommy camera-talks that he wants to get it "over with," and he wants to hear what Nikkole has to say at bonfire. Homeboy is shook the fuck up now, after seeing Nikkole's slut tape. Them chickens gone done roosted.
Mark and Debbie. They go to a tiny island. She calls it "heaven," and they sit on a beach and drink from coconuts. Debbie makes a terrible toast. Then they ride in some vehicle as Mark tool-overs that he didn't know this experience was going to be about emotions, and he knows that if he's going through all this, then Kelley must be having a hard time, and he hopes Kelley hasn't "cried too much."
Yup. Cut to Kelley laughing her little whore ass off, hugging Ali on a boat. She camera-talks that she doesn't know what's going to happen, but Ali has made a "connection" with her that few have. (Yeah, but many have made a different kind of "connection" with her over the years. Many.) Man. Close the legs, girl. She's showing us more camel-toe than an Arabian horseshoe convention. Seriously. Jeez. They ride on a boat, and Ali picks a flower as Ali camera-talks that Mark is not a good boyfriend; Ali says he can provide that for her. So sad, and, good luck, also.
Waterfall. Linda and Edmundo at a waterfall. They feel "electricity," and Edmundo goes on that he's been holding himself back in terms of feeling emotions here...but then he remembers Hillary and says that, then again, Linda isn't "smothering." Hee. They sit on a rock in a river in the rain. Linda says it was a romantic day, and she'll never forget it. Of course you will.
Catherine and Brian. They're in a hot air balloon. They don't think about Edmundo, Brian says. Catherine says that it's like Brian was put on the island just for her. Um...he was. Stupid-ass. Brian hopes, in the twenty-four hours, to make her see that they have a future together. No, you don't. Commercials.
Back. Spa. John and Nayla lie down on tables and get massaged and mudded. As they're wrapped, John says it's like "pigs in a blanket," and Nayla laughs like it's the fucking funniest thing she's ever heard. As they wash the stink off -- it'll never truly come off, will it? -- John camera-talks that men (he thinks it's only men) have this thing when you get all giddy as you're getting to know someone. Yes, John, it's called a fucking crush. Congratulations that you're just figuring it out. Big ups. John continues that it's a physical attraction, and that after thirty days without your lady, you feel that, and thus you learn whether you're truly in love. Yes, John, you are the King of Monogamy. Congratulations, asshole -- now go find some different show where you belong, and get off our slutfest. Boring motherfucker....
Shannon and Kevin ride horses. Shannon camera-talks that she does feel romantic and attracted to Kevin and his Super-Deluxe Soul Patch, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't want to "go there" with him. She craps on that she connects with him on every level and then they're watching the sunset and Kevin -- higher than Snoop after the Soul Train Awards -- says, "If that doesn't make your heartbeat not dance...I don't know what would." What? They lean into each other. Shannon goes on that they've had lots of "deep" talks -- yes, I'm sure you have -- and he's cool and all but she's never been open to it. Yawn.
Linda. Yeah, that's the kinda ho we know and love on Temptation Island 2. Only one episode left, y'all. We ain't got no time for the goody two-shoeses. Linda and Edmundo have dinner, and Linda camera-talks, "Edmundo said he thought that he could never look at somebody like he looked at Catherine, and he said that's how he looked at me, like, I guess, he had that look of...you know, the way he always wanted to look at the woman he was with." Brilliant! I'm going to write a song with that as the title and have Diane Warren arrange it for me. Then Edmundo looks at Linda, looks into her eyes, and says, "You're almost perfect." Heeeeee. Heeeeeeee. Linda looks down and then smiles -- because he said "almost," y'all! -- as Edmundo continues that it's so hard because he has to remember that he has a girlfriend. Well, not no more, dude. He goes on about putting Linda on a high "level," and Linda says she wishes this wasn't the last day. Me too. Edmundo then camera-talks something about you can't deny real feelings and looking across the table "in her eye" and getting that feeling reciprocated. He calls her "sweetheart" and they kiss. "That's nice," he whispers. Ew.
Night. Pool. Someone is whispering about doing what they want. Ah, it's Linda. She says she wants to do whatever she wants with Edmundo and will it be weird? and Edmundo says, "Not at all." They gonna do it! After Linda basically says that she will fuck the shit out of him, he camera-talks that he's glad he chose her for his final date. Yeah, no shit.
Catherine. Brian. Catherine sips a drink and Brian says how sexy it is to watch her mouth drink out of a straw. Yuck. Her witch nose laughs. He laughs. Is he more cheesy or tool-y? I can't decide. Catherine camera-talks that she's glad now that she knows there are more men than just Edmundo who can give her everything she wants. Look, see, all these fucking women are coming to the end of this thing, after hoing around, realizing they deserve more, and now are backpedaling so they can go right back into their lousy men's arms. Bitches. Catherine continues to talk to Brian, saying that since she put Edmundo on such a high pedestal, she didn't expect him to disappoint her so. Brian should reach his meaty hand out across the table and bitchslap the macaroni out of her lying mouth. Catherine looks to sad Brian and says that then she met him and he was perfect for her. So Brian, now with that nugget of love, asks what will happen at final bonfire when Edmundo says that he messed around, yeah, but that just made him realize how much he wants to be with her? Catherine says, "I'm going to go with my gut." Yeah, she's so back together with Edmundo. Brian camera-talks that it's sad because he's gone soon. They toast, and Catherine says, "To fate." "Definitely," he says. Gone. Catherine slut-overs that it was the perfect ending to a perfect day. They walk into their whore room and Brian asks if she'll miss him and she says, "Yeah. I will," like he just asked her if she likes toast. Catherine camera-talks that they were kissing and she was with Brian and she was so happy. He was exactly the prince she was looking for. And...he's gone from her life forever just like that. Poof. Commercials.
Katie and Tommy sit and watch the sunset, having a miserable time. Tommy talks about wanting to get married maybe when he's thirty-seven, and Katie says that thus he'll probably not marry Nikkole since she wants to get married now and...You know what? I'm no longer recapping dumb conversations when the mandate of this show clearly states that they're supposed to be fucking! Jesus. Tommy camera-talks to us that he's going to have to make a decision tomorrow. Tommy says, "It's showtime, baby." Katie camera-talks that in the video, Nikkole "stabbed him in the heart," and Katie says that people don't know but Tommy feels a lot but keeps it all inside. Yeah, whatever. Tommy says, "I love Nikkole dearly," and goes on that he would miss her if she wasn't in his life. Yeah, but not really. Tommy and Katie say goodbye and go into different rooms. No sex. Man. What a waste of a good Katie.
Nikkole tries to get Fire Tommy out of bed. It's storming and they're going to go watch Momma turtles lay their eggs on the beach. They go out in slickers and wait for half an hour and then a turtle comes right up walking past them and lays her eggs. I can't believe the turtles don't get scared by all the skank in the air. Nikkole tells us the turtle was two hundred pounds, and it goes into a trance as it lays eggs and doesn't notice they're even around. (Much like the girls on the island when they're mating.) Fire Tommy tells us that he had to pinch himself because the experience was amazing enough, but then to have met Nikkole was "icing on the cake." Again, glad Fire Tommy didn't die. He goes on that he thinks he's going to learn more from her on this last night than he has the whole three weeks. Um, exactly what is it you guys are going to do in there? Lord. Well, have fun. Be safe. (Insert your own "Tommy Knows How To Use His Hose" joke here. I'm tired.)
John and Nayla sit by the river and talk about personal things. "You're awesome, Nayla," John says, Wow. They walk, and she tells us that they made a deep connection, and anything could happen. No, it can't. Not with suck-ass John. He tells us that it's hard to fight that feeling and connection and that's just human nature. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. He continues on, repeating himself for the twentieth time, that you have those feelings but then do you follow through on them? No, of course you don't. You're God. That's why you don't. They hug at the door of their resort and then go into separate rooms. Then when the cameras are gone, Nayla opens the inside door adjoining their two rooms and fucks the shit out of him, without Shannon or us ever being the wiser. At least, I like to think that's what happens.
Moon. Lawn chairs. Kevin and Shannon lie out and listen to the waves and stare at the moon. Shannon tells us that they can just "literally" stare at each other and know what they're thinking. Fuck, she would be annoying to be with, all staring at you all the time. Kevin, nine bong-loads under, camera-talks that there is suppressed desire like when you totally put a cap on a soda and shake it up and all. Yeah, man! Right on. They continue staring at each other as Shannon tells us that she let him into her world "and he was fabulous" and they didn't need to talk. She keeps talking and staring at him and smiling.
Mark and Debbie get into a hot tub and rub mud on each other. Mark drinks champagne as Debbie rubs brown stuff on his face, his dual earrings twinkling like beacons. The real question, though: to whom are they calling? Mark talks about being surprised to have met someone and she talks, in a weird double camera-talk shot, that who is she to suggest he should drop everything for her? He doesn't respond. They walk upstairs and go into a room.
Kelley and Ali. They lie in bed and drink champagne. They look at a map or something. Men like Ali, who obviously work out constantly, really enjoy taking their shirts off. Women, however, don't like just taking their shirts off all the time. It's a cruel double standard, I say. Kelley slut-overs that she and Ali share something that you can't even describe. You know what these people all are? They're like kids at camp making these super-intense friendships and thinking they'll just die if they don't see each other again. But instead of being seven, they're twenty-five and thirty. It's just like camp, but with a bit more fucking. (Just a bit more, though. My camp was awesome.) Kelley whines that she doesn't want to go home, and Ali says he doesn't want to talk about it. Kelley camera-talks that Ali showed her what it's like to be treated like a lady and to be put on a pedestal and she loved every minute of it. In slo-mo, she lowers herself down his body, ready to show him just how much she loved it...but we go to commercials instead. Damn.
Day 21. Nikkole voice-overs that this has been an amazing experience and carpe diem and all. Yeah. She's lying in bed with Fire Tommy, and she says she needs more time. They make out against a wall.
Tommy on a boat. He makes a long analogy about how his relationship with Nikkole is like a boat that's almost sunk but is still floating and who knows if it'll make it back to port safely. Um, no.
Debbie on a hammock. Mark stands by, telling us that he's had a great couple of days fucking Debbie, but is that going to erase his whole long relationship with Kelley? Debbie says goodbye to a dog named Chester. What a cute dog. Why didn't we see more of Chester!? I wish this show was Chester Island. As they head to the plane or something, Mark continues saying that it's scary to have a girlfriend on one hand and then on the other hand a model who everyone would want, and then to have to choose between them. What a dick. "Life's not fair all the time, I guess, you know?" he says. No, it is most certainly not.
Kelley and Ali awaken. Kelley says that if she could put off seeing Mark for another week, she would. Ouch. Not because she doesn't love him, but because she thinks she'd learn more about herself if she had more time, and meeting Ali was a turning point in her life. In other words, Ali is not Ali, but merely symbolic of how she wants to be treated by a man. And so she'll have a new sense of self-worth and will demand that she be treated that way for a while...and then she'll revert back into her own long laid-out patterns created mostly by her parents of how she truly feels deep down that she deserves to be treated, which is not well at all. But that's just my guess. I could totally be wrong. (Ali laughs, knowing I'm right.)
Catherine and Brian. Brian writes a bunch of shit in Catherine's journal. Huh? He says he's taking a chance. Okay. What I can gather is that he's writing a fantasy about how he'd like things to turn out. Only, now it won't turn out that way for sure. Catherine laughs in slo-mo.
A plane takes off. Edmundo and Linda. Edmundo says that it's hard to say goodbye and then hello when you have emotions running through your head about two people. Huh?
Shannon and Kevin. Who really cares?
Back on the island. Linda says she feels sad and happy about leaving, and already misses everything.
Horses. The piano of "Walking In Memphis" plays as the kids all head out onto the beach to say goodbye to the hos for good. Edmundo's shirt is on inside out and backwards. Is this a new fashion statement or the result of a quick goodbye fuck in the cabana? Linda camera-talks that she feels that she may meet up with Edmundo again and so that's something to look forward to. So is another pack of cigarettes. They hug. She continues that she's glad everything that happened happened. Now Katie and Tommy hug, Katie telling us this long story about Tommy being cagey and not saying what's going to happen at final bonfire. Nayla thinks that John will always remember her, and that she already misses him. Mark and Debbie hug. Debbie says that, at bonfire, she wants Mark to be honest with Kelley about them fucking and how if you can be with someone else like that maybe it means your relationship is fucked.
Sluts on horses. Nayla says, "Thank you," to John. The boys wave to the hos. Goodbye, Katie! Goodbye! Don't be a stranger! Please! The hos are gone. So sad.
Ladies' side. Brian and Catherine hug. Brian tells us he already told Catherine that Edmundo is not the guy for her. Catherine doesn't care. Brian thinks he and Catherine have a special thing. She doesn't. Now Shannon talks to us about how this wasn't about hooking up (wrong!) but about meeting someone who might make her question her relationship with John. She lies that she did.
Fire Tommy says he already told Nikkole that she shouldn't be afraid to be alone. They hug, as he continues that Chicago is not far from him, and that she'll be there soon. Ali and Kelley hug. Ali thinks that Kelley learned the most of all the ladies, and learned that she can do better than "Florida" and "Mark." Well, yeah, probably. Kelley cries. The boys horse off. Nikkole weeps. Catherine smiles, glad to be rid of Brian. So glad.
week! Judgement Day finally arrives, we are told. The season finale. No! So sad. Mark tells the kids that they're going to hear something they might not want to hear. The Big Voice says the best line ever: "A spiraling confusion of excitement and fear descends upon the island!" Whoa! Nice. Shannon camera-talks that she doesn't know what's going to happen. Bonfire. Walking. Mark L. Walberg. All secrets will be revealed. Mark L. Walberg busts Shannon on the notes! Hee. Yes. Fears realized. Mark cries. Kelley doesn't give a shit. Edmundo says he had some intimate moments. Catherine shoots back, "And vice versa, Edmundo." Rock. Nikkole is stone-faced. Shannon cries, lying that she got really close to someone. Such a liar. The decisions that will change their lives forever, and shit. Nikkole says, "I really do love you." The Big Voice tells us that this time someone will be leaving the island alone. Yeah -- Mark L. Walberg.