Previously...Lady bonfire. Shannon broke down and freaked, crying that this was her suggestion and she's alone and it really sucks. Catherine was stuck between Rossi and Brian ("her animal passion"). Meanwhile, Edmundo got down with Smoker Linda, not believing that he could feel this strongly about another one of the girl hos...particularly since he blew his wad, figuratively and literally, on Hillary. Final boy bonfire. Mark was "mad" that Kelley was macking with Keebler Tom. Tommy was pissed to find Fire Tommy unrolling his hose all up on his girlfriend. Edmundo was shaking. Lady bonfire again, coming up!
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. The Pan Flutes of Costa Rica's Impending Freedom From Being Skank Central plays as the ladies walk up to bonfire. Mark L. Walberg greets them and, as usual, no one says anything. (Girls ignore him, just like in high school, just like now, just like Mom....) Finally, as they rest their implants on the bench, Mark L. Walberg tries again, begging, "Hi!" Feeling terrible for him -- terrible for being so impatient and annoyed by guys like Mark L. Walberg their whole pretty lives -- the ladies finally respond. He smiles like he just ate a pint of Chubby Hubby; it almost feels as good, too...almost. Mark L. Walberg blahs about choices and final decisions, launching into his speech about sometimes knowing cameras are there and sometimes not knowing...and this is a chance to see their guys when they might not have known they were being filmed. Nikkole takes a deep breath, vaguely remembering seeing a little red light high up on the far wall as Fire Tommy unscrewed her hydrant. Shannon is first; she bitches that she was first last time, but Mark L. Walberg doesn't care. Nikkole has to remind Shannon that she agreed to let them all see the tape. The girls gather around. Tape. It's John hugging Nayla in Night-Vision and grabbing her ass and then snuggling, his finger tracing a line on her stomach. And that's it. All the ladies back off a tiny bit, wondering if Mount St. Shannon is going to blow. But it doesn't. She says she's okay and deludes that it was what she expected -- him bonding with Nayla -- and she wouldn't expect less. She goes on, so sadly -- so very sadly -- that it looks like John formed a "good emotional connection" with Nayla, and hopefully he got some questions answered. Mark L. Walberg probes, and Shannon goes further into fairy land, lying that Nayla looked upset and they weren't even in a very intimate place...well, they were in bed, she concedes, but still. Catherine looks over, smirking. Shannon says John is finding out answers and Nayla is going to get hurt; at least, that's what she hopes. Mark L. Walberg can barely believe it, and just says, "Okay."
Catherine. She's nervous, but will watch. The other girls get to watch as Shannon lies that they're all there for each other. Tape. It's Edmundo, drunk at the bar, hugging Linda and babbling to her. He spits bullshit to the effect that Linda is different. He thinks of Amanda as a sister, but Linda is different -- they've kissed and fooled around. He boozes on that he doesn't view her as a "sister" or a "mother" but someone he's attracted to...and he just keeps talking until the tape ends. Catherine says that Edmundo came across looking "foolish." She goes on to talk about what Edmundo said, and then lies that she's "emotionless" and she's disappointed that he's not "presenting himself better." She says she thinks she's all right, as we keep cutting to Shannon, who is slowly looking very much not all right.
Kelley. She'll watch. The others gather. "Just hit the big button, right?" she asks, echoing a question Keebler Tom asked her last night. Mark and Debbie lie in a hammock and brat about each other's heart, then start macking down. The Music of Forced Hetero Love plays as Mark kisses Debbie. The tape ends. Kelley says she knew that was coming, and then recounts what she saw to Mark L. Walberg. She emotionally says that it hurts, but she thinks a lot of kissing is going on all around the island, so it's okay; it's acceptable here. Mark L. Walberg says, "Yes, all that you say," but...and then he starts babbling just to have something to say, saying something about seeing yourself but also seeing your relationship not as you see it, but as it is. The girls have no idea what the fuck he's talking about, and just stare at him in silence. Finally, Catherine says that she's disappointed because she's dating "an idiot." Nikkole butts in that they haven't seen Tommy's tape yet, as Catherine continues on that Edmundo isn't speaking "eloquently." As Catherine does at all times. Yes. Mark L. Walberg has nothing to say.
Nikkole. She wants to watch, and the girls gather around. Nikkole says, "Get ready for the waterworks." The girls hug her pre-emptively, and Shannon offers, "That which does not kill us will make us stronger." She's a sixteen-year-old girl just reading Sylvia Plath and totally not understanding it, but understanding that she's supposed to be deeply moved and so she convinces herself that she is moved, without actually being moved at all. Mark L. Walberg brings over the tape. They all lean in. Commercials.
Back. Nikkole goes all bug-eyed as we get an unclear, dark tape of Tommy and Kristin. Some other guy lies in bed -- which confuses me -- as Kristin wears a towel. They rub and kiss and stuff, and then Tommy takes off his pants. The girls keep gasping and freaking out, but it's hard to tell what's going on. "That's his prerequisite," says Nikkole, I guess referring to something we're not seeing...or perhaps to him taking off his pants; she's insinuating that was an invitation for some fellatio to commence, for the untrained. The tape ends, and the girls all back off, uncomfortable. Mark L. Walberg asks what it was, and Nikkole laughs, "Tommy about to get exactly what he wants. He's about to sleep with somebody." Mark L. Walberg asks if that is because Nikkole knows him, and she says yes -- she is sure he will sleep with Kristin. They pan over to Shannon...and her face has gone zombie! Fucking shit, it's funny. Her jaw is open and her eyes are glassy and her face red. Somebody slap her or throw some cold water on her. Ain't "all good" now, huh, sister? Shannon snaps out of it and rolls her eyes as Nikkole goes on that she thought she'd be upset, but she's not. More shots of Shannon looking sad as Nikkole says that maybe it's because she's getting down with Fire Tommy. No...ya think!? Catherine laughs. Mark L. Walberg says that they need to think about what originally drew them to their boyfriends, and if they really are the people the girls thought they were. No. Mark L. Walberg makes them all spread out again as he tells the girls that final date selection is , for an "intimate, overnight" date. He goes on that they shouldn't "throw this one away" and then dismisses them.
Walking. Girls. Nikkole says she feels fine, and that worries her. Helpful as always, terrible as always, Shannon says that she thought she saw and heard Tommy reach over and grab a rubber. We see the tape again as Nikkole camera-talks what she thought she saw. Shannon talks again about the rubber. I don't see it. Man, she's trying hard to make herself feel better. They keep walking as Nikkole says, "Brother-man's going to get his dick sucked." (We don't hear the last two words, but I have a pretty good idea.) The other girls all say, "Oh my gosh," like their virginal ears can't handle the prospect of two people doing that. As if. Nikkole says something to the effect of, "My guy looks better than his girl," but that can't be it. Now Shannon says again that she saw "great" footage, and we see the tape as she justifies and provides color commentary. Now the girls are stopped on the beach, their feet immobilized by the sheer weight of Shannon's delusions as she tries to say that John just felt bad for Nayla. Kelley camera-talks that, basically, Shannon is bullshitting herself. Shannon now flips John's finger moving on Nayla's stomach. She says that it just means he's "thinking of her." Heeeeee! Yes. And Kristin stroking Tommy's cock just meant that she cares about him emotionally and hopes his dreams come true someday. The bullshit continues as Shannon camera-talks, the blinders now totally obscuring her face. Commercials. (By the way, why did no one mention how weird it was that there was another guy on the bed!? Lord.)
Guys' side. John and Edmundo walk, Edmundo saying he didn't like what he saw and that he has questions for Catherine, and doesn't believe Brian really likes her. John camera-talks that, after bonfire -- self-appointed counselor that he is -- he went around talking to the three guys. Fitting his own, weird agenda -- desperate to keep the couples together, I guess -- he tells Edmundo that he doesn't think Catherine likes Brian. We see a shot of Catherine passionately kissing Brian. Hee. Edmundo thinks John is wrong, but that Brian is a "player." Edmundo says he's emotionally drained. He camera-talks that he thought Catherine was naïve, but obviously he is...obviously we all are, he continues. Hey dude, don't drag me into it. Asshole.
Tommy. John asks if he's pissed and wants to go party his ass off, but Tommy says he's stuck. John camera-talks that he got Tommy to open up and now feels feels he knows him better. Oh, shut up and show the girls with the titties, FOX. Now Tommy camera-talks that he saw Fire Tommy dry-humping his girl, and we see the tape. Tommy says it's disturbing. He wonders to John when the footage was taken, dude. Tommy goes on, "dude"-ing all over the place, that at the last few group meetings, Nikkole wouldn't even look at him. Well, maybe that's because you were the only one who didn't send your girlfriend a fucking video message, douchebag. John lies to us and himself when he says that he doesn't think the women made the first move, and women aren't like that. Right. Right. No, women are nice, and are never competitive or man-stealing. "True," says Tommy. Tommy goes on to camera-talk that he kissed one or two girls, but not to "that level." Okay, so either he's lying, or the Kristin/Rubber/Pants tape really was pretty innocuous. Brother John continues his sanctimonious, ruining-all-the-fucking-fun bullshit, counseling Tommy that he shouldn't now, tonight, think about which girl is going to get down with him, but who will listen the best, or some shit. Tommy says that John has a good point. No he doesn't. John camera-talks that he thought Tommy would go fuck a ho just to get back, but he didn't. Well, I hope you're happy, John. Thanks a lot, asshole.
Edmundo and Tommy sit in their room and discuss how both of their girls dogged them. Edmundo says he feels empty as Tommy says something about his blood boiling. They both take off their necklaces, which are supposed to remind them of their girls. Edmundo laughs. Tommy continues to talk about the necklace. He camera-talks that he could care less...which means, since he fucked up the saying, that he cares, since that indicates there is a degree of apathy below the one in which he currently resides.
Ladies' side. They all hang on the beach, drinking and barbecuing. Mark L. Walberg arrives, and everyone disses him, bummed that he's there. He goes on that final date selection will be tomorrow and thus, this is the last night on the island for the bootees-to-be. In a clever move, he makes a point of announcing that whatever happens from now on, the men will have no opportunity to see...except, of course, when the couples watch the show together. Oops. Everyone laughs and claps and Mark L. Walberg says he's going to go. Nobody tries to stop him or offer him a drink, so he khakis off, really thinking about joining a gym back on the mainland, and also thinking he should get a girlfriend. Somehow. Some way.
Keebler Tom announces that he's available for final date. Someone says that he should add that he's "frisky." I don't know. That's pretty gay. Keebler Tom camera-tools that they had a great party with food and fires and a limbo contest. Yeah, we see a limbo contest. How...something. The couples chill as others limbo. Shannon says that instead of going hedonistic, they all went swimming and chatted and stayed more focused on "each other." Well, how fucking boring for us. Thanks! Brian and Catherine kiss. Others romp in the waves and whooooo!
Brian camera-talks that Catherine has been acting different because she saw the tape of Edmundo and thus, he brings it up to her and talks about Edmundo; he thinks, then, that might have been a mistake, because Catherine ends up getting upset. We see them in Night-Vision, and get subtitles. Brian is helpfully reminding her that her boyfriend was sucking on some girl's titties, and she should be pissed. Catherine camera-talks that Brian's babbling pissed her off. It continues. This is a way to get into her pants, but maybe not the best way. He camera-talks that he's not trying to come here and sleep with someone...but rather to get her to see Edmundo as a shitty boyfriend. Hee. Catherine blahs on that she wasn't prepared to make a decision right then. Brian goes on that he thinks he made a mistake, and he's afraid she might pick Rossi now. I'm afraid she might never take her top off. Commercials.
Back. Guys' side. Pretty Katie tells Tommy that this has been their little family, and that there have been good times and bad times. Tommy camera-talks that Mark L. Walberg tooled over and told them all that this was their last night, so they just spent some time hanging and enjoying each other. We see dancing. Lame dancing. Tommy dancing. Girl hos. Girl hos. Linda huffs that this is an emotional time, and they've learned about themselves and she'll never forget...John's cock. Staring into my eyes, Katie tells me that they had a great time last night...and she'll be back in L.A. soon. Very soon. I mean...now they all dance, and Edmundo wears boas and voice-overs that Catherine is in his mind the whole time. Yeah. Uh huh. Titty shots. Titty shots. Edmundo goes on that he's done things he's not "happy" and "comfortable" with, but that he's learned. More lame dancing with Glo Sticks. (Do you think the Glo Stick industry knows it owes its entire revenue flow to Ecstasy?) Tommy says his feelings toward Nikkole have changed -- and vice-the-fuck-versa, bro. He says his first reaction to Nikkole getting busy is to get even, but he doesn't think he will. Boo. More dancing. John goes on that this has been the "hardest" thing he's ever done. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Being on a beautiful beach for three weeks with sixteen near-naked women with nothing to do but drink and hang out. Yeah. Coal miners in South Africa weep for you right now, dude. He blahs that he didn't let people in, but finally did with Nayla, and I'm no longer going to transcribe the words "emotional connection." I refuse.
So now Katie tells us -- and we see it -- that the "freaks" Caneel and Pink decided to get naked and run in the water. "Boobs and butt and everything," says Katie. Yeah, baby. That's right. Keep talking. Katie goes on to say that she's never laughed this hard. Debbie tells us she instigated this, but I don't think anyone likes Debbie. Now Caneel whores about the stars and more stars and beautiful. Naked running. More naked running. Pink chuffs that they couldn't get their jeans on, so they ran naked with towels into Edmundo's room. Edmundo calls them the "Sarong Bandits." Clever. They giggle and look in at Edmundo in the shower and he calls it "kinda funny." Yeah, three naked women lying on your bed is funny. Hysterical, in a totally not-funny-but- instead-awesome way. Tommy jokes that the girls are staying over as Pink then whores on about the nakedness. More talk of Sarong Bandits. The girls "whoooo" and run around. Great.
Debbie goes on about being adventurous and sexy; she shared it with Mark. As they play in the water, she babbles on about how much Mark has taught her. Mark camera-talks that Debbie was his type and he did fall for her...and here he totally backpedals on his last date and says he was just caught up in the moment and yeah, maybe when he said "love at first sight" he was being a bit dramatic. No shit. Douchebag. Mark continues that he went to Debbie's room and they cuddled and made out. We see this. Mark ignorantly tells us that he's sure Kelley hasn't "bonded" with someone like he has. Hee. Cut to...
...Girls' side. People get naked and swim. In the far side of the pool...yup, Kelley and Ali are making out. First: hee for Mark thinking Kelley is doing nothing. Second: Ali got some booty! No shit! He camera-talks that they've been hanging out and...he doesn't know what to say, obviously. We see them walk on the beach as Kelley camera-talks that, lately she's been getting to know Ali and she loves his eyes and is all, "Wow!" Now they sit in a hammock in Night-Vision, totally making out. Ali camera-talks that Kelley totally caught him off-guard and he's shaking and going Lloyd Dobler on us, getting goosebumps just thinking about it...and as he says that, we see Kelley climb on top of him. Oh man, someone better check for Ali in the morning because Kelley will eat that poor boy alive. Commercials.
Morning. Tommy does crap yoga. I believe that's the "Downward-Facing Tool" position he's doing. Sad Ho Montage. Kristin is sad. Katie tells us that everyone is tense, as we see girls packing. The experience was bigger than they thought. Nayla camera-talks that everyone on the island has been "touched" by someone. Yes, that's about right. Pink mans that she's packed and ready to go. Obviously, they all have to pack in case they're not picked. Now Nayla is crying to Katie that she made great friends and will miss everyone. Now John camera-talks that he's been too judgmental. You are correct, sir. Now Kristin says she's not just going to walk off into the sunset. Huh? Pink hugs Tommy. Kristin continues: "It wasn't about sleeping around. It was about true people and how they experience life...their emotions...feelings of love...Friendship." Wow. Touching and well said.
John asks Tommy whether he's decided who he's taking. Tommy says he has. Mark and Edmundo throw the football on the beach, and Edmundo says the girl hos are all sad, but he's ready to "take the step." You mean your breakup with Catherine? The guys see the horses being brought to sweep the rejected girl hos away, like so much trash on a beach. Which is actually what they are, when you think about it.
Beach. Mark L. Walberg. The guys arrive. He says hi. No one says anything. The guys sit and Mark L. Walberg tools on that this is Final Date Selection, and the dates will be "off the chart." Holler! Mark L. Walberg goes on to say that they got to meet the girl hos and made various connections and there were some they didn't like...and Mark L. Walberg throws in, here, obviously in voice-over added later, that the guys booted Magalie. We see her being given the Necklace of Buh-Bye. Wow. Temptation Island 2 didn't even bother showing that shit. Huh. Anyway, the girl hos come out and line up on the beach. The guys watch. There are eight hos left. (Sing with me now: eight is enough, to fill our beach with skank.)
Edmundo is first. He babbles that he feels comfortable and doesn't feel like he has to hide anything from anyone and he's made a connection and she's a great woman and a close friend. Edmundo gets up in slo-mo. Walks in slo-mo. Ho shots. Ho shots. Slo-mo. Lord, they're drawing this out. It's Linda. They kiss and hug as Pink looks down, defeated. Linda camera-talks that there is so much she can't even say about Edmundo, and they share the same thoughts and never planned it and fuck off.
Mark is . The tattoo on his arm, from far away, looks like a question mark. Which is sort of fitting in many ways for him. Mark says shit about friends and how this girl held him and gives him everything he wants and more and lets him talk about his girlfriend and bloo blee bleh. He walks in slo-mo and we get a ho-tage of skanks and more slo-mo walking as he walks to Debbie. She says she was hoping and was confident she'd be picked because they have "definitely created a few sparks." For those who don't speak Whore, let me translate: "I sucked his dick, first making him promise to pick me for his final date."
Tommy. He says that, several days ago, he changed his mind. He's picking the girl who felt like she was the underdog and didn't belong there and felt like she was "on the bottom." Huh? Oh, he's picking the loser of the bunch. He says that he's felt like he was on the bottom before in his life, and he's "all about balance," and this feels like the right thing to do. I wonder if they know who he's talking about. I do. Commercials.
Back. Slo-mo. Slo-mo. Yup, he picks Katie. Yeah! I mean, I don't wish it on her to be stuck with Tommy, but, cool. She camera-talks that it's flattering, and maybe he learned something from her. Or maybe cuz you fine, girl! Shit. Pink wipes Kristin's tears away. Hee.
John. He's going to pick someone who taught him a lot, and in the beginning it was physical but then when he would always babble about Shannon, she was okay with it. Mark L. Walberg nods like he understands (not busting him for the Shannon secret letters, by the fucking way) and John says everyone knows who it's going to be...and it's Nayla. "You've helped me more than I could ever imagine," he tells her. The girl hos kiss and hug each other. Nayla babbles that she's had a wall up for John but is willing to bring it down. Sort of like Cold War Germany, but skankier.
Mark L. Walberg tells the four booted girl hos that they'll miss them. Bye Kristin! Bye Caneel! Bye Pink! Bye big-tittied new ho! We hardly knew ye.
Ladies' side. The girls are there. Mark L. Walberg is there. The boy hos walk out. Rossi is dressed in a suit. Hee. There are eight boy hos, so I guess they also booted another, which we didn't see. Mark L. Walberg babbles about the dream date and "indulging" this unique circumstance and altering your life and Catherine is first. Commercials. Aw, man.
week. Last episode before final bonfire. Girls are forced to make their "heart-wrenching" decisions. This sets the stage for the "most intense twenty-four hours yet." Linda and Edmundo kiss. Final dates. A balloon ride. A plane ride. Debbie says something was heaven. Poor Costa Rica -- the skanks are increasing their roaming area. Passion. Passion. Linda talks. "Relationships thrust into complete turmoil." Okay, simmer down, FOX. John says that when you have a situation, you act on it. Kelley is confused. Mark is confused. (Yes, he is.) And final bonfire. Everything they hold dear is on the line, we are told. Catherine cries about learning you don't need someone. Mark cries, telling Kelley he saw her skankin' in bed with Keebler Tom. Kelley cries. And...that's it!
All right, people. Two more. Savor them. Bye!