Pardon me if I seem cranky today. I'm still pissed off that Temptation Island 2 didn't win any Golden Globes. (Insert your own "this show provides its own Golden Globes" jokes here.)
Previously...The singles got all ho-sessive when the new hos were horsed onto the island. Queen Slut hiked up her skirt a little more and showed her world to Tommy. The girl hos called the new girl hos "hos." Mark liked them. John and Nayla hugged in bed and Catherine freaked with Brian, then macked with him on the beach. She told us she wanted him. Tommy NYC and Nikkole got down. Also, boy bonfire stirred some emotions, and Tommy vowed to ramp up his terrible-boyfriend ways. At this point, that's probably a good idea.
Bonfire. Girl bonfire. Everyone hates Mark L. Walberg. He blahs about "choices," since this is Kelley's first. (Well, not her first. That was in back of the DQ one summer night when she was thirteen.) Mark L. Walberg says his thing to the effect that the videos can hurt (or not), and tries to justify that the aim is not to hurt, but to provide them with answers. Kelley nods, not hearing Mark L. Walberg because of the dried semen still blocking up her ear. Mark L. Walberg tools on that the videos feature intimate moments, and it's an "individual choice" as to whether they want to watch.
Shannon is first, and wants to watch. She won't let the other ladies watch so that she can "form her own opinion." She tells Nikkole to move over and get away. Hee. Watching, it's just John talking about his waffling emotions for Nayla, and finally Shannon lets Catherine watch. The tape ends, and Shannon smiles and calls John "a really nice guy." Mark L. Walberg doesn't know what the fuck she means, and Shannon tries to spin it pathetically to mean something benign, and then trails off, defeated by the sheer weight of her own sad history and her stubborn belief that John is not a man with a penis. Mark L. Walberg ain't buying it. Shannon goes on to negate any possibility that John could be having feelings for another woman, and concludes with the #1 saying that almost always means the opposite of what is being said: "No worries." Worries. Nikkole gives her the "poor you" eyes.
Nikkole. She'll watch and share. (As if she cares about Tommy anymore.) Shannon continues to whisper more self-delusion until Nikkole just shuts her up and says that the tape of Tommy is going to be bad. Nikkole guesses it's going to be White Eyeshadow Girl; the new Asian ho wouldn't bother her, but WEG disappoints her. On the tape, Tommy and Kristin kiss; when Kristin does a little tongue roll, Nikkole says, "Oh god. That's, like, her thing." It is pretty gay. And then the tape ends and Nikkole says, "I've done better than that." Yikes. (It's going to suck when Tommy NYC won't return her phone calls once the show ends.) She goes on to call Kristin a "cheeseball," and says she thinks she is too smart for Tommy. Mark L. Walberg makes the stunning deduction that Nikkole is not at the same "place" she was a few days ago. Brill.
Catherine will watch. She laughs and then sighs. Commercials.
Back. Tape. Ooh, it's Edmundo and Hillary kissing in the dark. His hand is in her ass. The Music of Catherine Storing This All Away For Future Acting Class plays as Catherine watches. The tape ends and Catherine smiles. The other girls look worried. The waterworks start for Catherine, and she says something, and Shannon touches her. Mark L. Walberg asks her what "it" was like before she got here, and she says that it was one-sided with her always fighting for something she didn't feel like he wanted anymore. I can no longer tell if she's for real or not. (Her titties aside.) Mark L. Walberg gets all Dr. Phil on her ass, saying that she just said it's one-sided and her choice to come here was pretty "extreme" (no shit), so she's getting answers. She princesses that it hurts, and Mark L. Walberg -- even he is tired of her -- reminds her that she keeps asking to watch the fucking tapes. (Ha. The "fucking" tapes.) I wonder if week we'll see Hillary blowing Edmundo in the bathroom? (Lord, I wish I had access to some of the unseen footage on this show....)
Kelley. She says she doesn't want to see it. She came here for a reason, and she wants to let Mark do what he's doing and in turn do whatever (or whoever) she's doing and be selfish.
They are dismissed. The girls walk away, and Nikkole is asking about the night-vision camera that caught the ass-ploration of Hillary. Worried, she says, "Those cameras are better than I thought." Hee.
Moon. Water. Island Prettiness. Ladies' side. The girls go right back to some big tent; via night-vision, we see Kelley in bed with Keebler Tom, and Nikkole with Fire "Didn't Die" Tommy. Nikkole recounts her tape experience, and then so does Shannon. In doing so, as Nikkole points out, Shannon confesses that the tape did, indeed, make her a bit nervous. Shannon says that if John wants to be single, she'll break up with him; she diatribes about "cheating" being "cheating." The others watch with the eerie demon eyes the night-vision camera gives you. Shannon continues that John "hates drunk girls" (what the fuck is his hang-up about that?), and Keebler Tom ever-so-nicely points out that Nayla doesn't seem like a lush. Thanks, dipshit. Kelley camera-talks to us, smiling about Shannon. (At least Shannon doesn't have a gay boyfriend.) Shannon continues that she didn't come there to have the foundation of her relationship torn apart. Oh. Uh, oops.
Huh. We're in the Security/Surveillance Room, and some Producer Dude talks to Mark L. Walberg, looking like he's about to scold him. Sadly, he's not. However, he says that Surveillance recently caught Shannon writing notes to John; this, coupled with the fact that Mark L. Walberg had to reprimand them for talking during poolside meetings, is troublesome. (We never saw it before, but now they show us a shot of them surreptitiously talking and gesturing from their seats, and Mark L. Walberg, like some third-grade teacher, scolding them. Hee. It's funny.) PD goes on to say that being desperate to talk to John, Shannon has started some intricate network by means of which they can pass notes to each other back and forth. Mark L. Walberg -- all feeling very very very very staged -- asks how. PD says he doesn't know, adding that maybe notes have not gotten through, but they think they're stashing notes in the poolside bathrooms. He orders Mark L. Walberg to check the various bathrooms, and like the obedient, desperate-to-please boy that he is, Mark L. Walberg goes. In the rain. Hee.
Mark L. Walberg checks the first bathroom. Finds a note. Another bathroom. Another two notes. In the drain. And yet another. Mark L. Walberg tells us it's mostly Shannon, and he sees nothing "implicating" Catherine or Nikkole. However, the note looks like it's in written by more than one hand, so I'm confused. (On freeze-frame, you can totally see the word "fuck." I'm calling the FCC! The notes, from what I can read, say something about getting rid of Rossi and canceling bonfire and how "they are seriously mindfucking [them]." I also see the words "personal hell," which is true! I'm still totally confused as to who is writing them and to whom, aside from Shannon to John.) Anyway...Mark L. Walberg, since he is nosy and has nothing better to do, sits down to read them. Shannon writes to John that they are "messing" with them (the "mindfucking" part), and suggests this weird thing -- that John should vote off the girls who like him before the final date. She says she's trying to contain herself and stop from just walking to his camp. Mark L. Walberg finishes reading the sad missives and says that he feels bad for Shannon; she obviously misses John a lot even though she claims to be fine. I hope Shannon bitch-slaps Mark L. Walberg for reading her letters. (Let me give the unenlightened a little equation: Shannon has a bad history with men and cheating + Shannon made the decision to come on this show = Shannon made her fucking bed and needs to lie her ass down all up in that motherfucker and shit.)
Day 17. Shannon's in the shower. Rock. Montage of Unhinged Shannon! Flashback of John's tape as Shannon stares into the distance and wonders why, if John is "in it" mentally, he wouldn't also just make that leap and be in it physically as well. Shannon camera-talks that she misses the "other part" of her, and she starts weeping and says she hopes John misses her. She tells someone she doesn't want to be here; we keep cutting to John's tape, and Shannon sobs hysterically, saying she can't believe this was her suggestion (uh, yeah) and, "I feel really alone right now and it sucks!" She explosively cries and buries her face in her hands, as we dissolve to commercials.
Well, all right! This is what I'm fucking talking about, people.
Back. Island Prettiness. Nikkole camera-talks that, last night, Mark L. Walberg brought them all down to the pool hall to do a Date-Select. (Mark L. Walberg was just lonely.) We see them sitting around, and Mark L. Walberg telling them they have two dates left, so in the morning they just need to surprise their dates and they'll leave immediately. Uh, okay.
So they do. The ladies bum-rush the boy hos. Nikkole wakes up Fire Tommy. Kelley bum-rushes Ali. Ali?! Ali!? Awesome. He is as surprised as I am, as Kelley camera-whores that the "darker skin" thing is appealing to her. I guess the guys have the same instructions, as we see John pick Kristin. Catherine picks Rossi. Rossi?! Oh, so nice and sad to throw him a bone. Catherine camera-talks that she feels bad for Rossi, and wanted to clear the air.
Dates. Mark is with Debbie, a new ho. They boat as he voice-overs that she's the perfect woman. They tickle each other as they tell us that something "just clicked" between them. They hold hands and have "intense chemistry" and touch each other a lot.
Kelley and Ali are on a boat. They cuddle. She calls him a "riot" and is happy he told her she was beautiful. They snorkel as Ali tells us the date was great and could evolve into something more. No.
John and Kristin. John camera-talks that Kristin was the first ho to talk to him about Shannon, so he picked her. I don't get that dude, at all. Totally hammered, Kristin tells us that she's not the party girl John has always thought she was. They go on a crocodile safari, and we see a guide feeding a chicken to a growling croc. John and Kristin watch from the boat, totally afraid.
Another boat. Shannon's with Kevin, the windsurfer. They dive, holding hands. Bor-ing. Shannon says that she wishes John were as passionate in life as Kevin is, and goes on that John would watch a Discovery Channel program about Morocco while Kevin would go there. During this, they're catching and letting go a cute little puffer fish. Poor puffer fish. Hope it can wash the scent of skank off its quills.
Edmundo and Pink. Edmundo tells us he picked Pink because she's cool and sexy. They cable-slide in the jungle. It looks hella fun. Pink camera-whores something about Edmundo and Catherine not being on the same page in their relationship, and then Edmundo tells us he feels like he's been too hard on Catherine. No shit.
Rossi and Catherine. They go to a waterfall. Rossi says he's been dissed, but isn't going to hold grudges. No. Not with those two big Silicone Alleys staring him in the face. Catherine camera-talks about how nice the date was. We see them swim. She goes on that Rossi is "sweet." He tells us they're in the same mode, and she enjoys herself with him. Catherine says something about the moment, and they hug, and we slut off to commercials.
If you go see the Mandy Moore movie this weekend, don't tell me, okay?
Plane. Island Prettiness. Tommy and Smoker Linda run across a rope bridge giggling. Tommy says he picked her because she's low-maintenance (ah, true love), and we see her holding a tiny neon green frog. Linda camera-talks, as they frolic, that she thinks Tommy likes his relationship but feels there is more to "discover" before he settles down. (More pussy to discover.) Tommy camera-lies that he misses Nikkole every day. Their relationship already over in his mind, he says he's not sure he'll ever have again what he has with her, and that he might be making a big mistake. (Hey, who's watching their big dog during all this? That's all I care about with these two.)
Nikkole and Fire Tommy. They hug and ride a plane as Nikkole camera-talks that it has opened her eyes to what she deserves in a relationship. They windsurf, and Nikkole does very well as Fire Tommy can't even get up -- he keeps falling in the water. I hope this is the only place where Tommy can't get it up. He falls once again, Nikkole laughing at him.
Water. Boat. Mark and Debbie. Cuddling and talking. Mark says that when they first saw each other, they just stared at each other -- "it was so weird!" He mentions "love at first sight," and I nearly barf up my Diet Coke and pretzels. They start making out on the front of the boat, lying down, her hand under his shirt. Mark voice-overs that maybe this is what love feels like. First: no, it's not. Second, fuck off.
Rossi. He camera-talks about not wanting to start drama, but now they're on a short bus and Catherine is saying that she's stuck between two boys. (I'm sure she's been there before -- stuck between two boys.) She camera-talks that Rossi supports her, while it's Brian that really floats her boat. Ouch. They continue to babble about playing the game, and he says he'll step down, and this is not what she expected. Catherine bites his hand, and they whisper that they don't know what they're doing. Man, she's playing his hick ass like the retard redneck playing the banjo on the porch in Deliverance. He tells us he doesn't usually wear his heart on his sleeve, but he's "mesmerized" by her. You left off one word, dude: "titties." "...Mesmerized by her titties." Now Catherine cries to us that she doesn't know what she's feeling, and she's not used to not knowing, and she doesn't like it and, really, she must have seen Shannon's crying tape and wouldn't let herself be outdone.
Guys' side. Returning from dates and the regular partying. Debbie rides Mark's lap like she's fucking him, which, maybe, she is, below camera line. Mark throws Debbie into the pool and everyone laughs. Now they cuddle, and Debbie tells us that they can act like "idiots" (yes), but can also have passion and intimacy together. Night-vision cam. Mark and Debbie now cuddle in a hammock, and Mark camera-talks about how this is Kelley's fear happening to him. Debbie rubs Mark's chest and lowers her hand and it totally looks like she grabs his dick and they make out and Mark camera-talks that he never would have thought he'd come here and feel like this (for a woman), and they say some bullshit about their hearts beating and then continue to make out grossly.
Pool. Edmundo. Here we go. He swims and cuddles with Linda, telling us the whole time that he's loved all his dates so far, but feels the most for Linda, and that he wasn't planning on a relationship, but things are falling into place, and this is what happens. What? Now Edmundo and Linda have a relationship? They go to the beach to sleep in a tent, and we switch to night-vision cam as they lie down. Linda whores to us that something happened, and they talked, and he became attractive to her, and they kiss. Then they get up and get into the tent. Linda keeps telling us she's excited and nervous and doesn't know where it's going to go, but it's really nice to be close to someone. Yes. But hee, she doesn't know where her relationship with Edmundo on Temptation Island 2 is going. How is it that I do, and she doesn't? Commercials.
Back. Fire. Night. Ladies' side. Cabin. The usual hang in Ali's room. Nikkole goes to her room and discovers Catherine and Brian getting busy, nearly naked, in bed. Nikkole runs back and gets Rossi, saying, "This is your lesson right now." She takes Rossi to see Brian and Catherine. Nikkole tells us she hated to show him -- not judging by the way she's running. Rossi camera-talks that it hurts, but not, and she's made her choice and...he's fucking really hurt, you can tell. Catherine and Brian keep making out for the camera.
Day 18. Morning. Guys' side. Linda and Edmundo wake up in the tent. Edmundo camera-talks that this was his dream date. Linda says she woke up and smiled. Edmundo tells us that "any guy in America" would be jealous of him. Make that any guy, minus Stee, Edmund-ho.
Lunch. The Old Native Man Getting Paid Two Dollars by Fox plays drums and the ladies are shocked that they're having another bonfire. Catherine tells us she gets nauseous hearing the drums, as the girls leave. (It's daytime now. How long does it take for them to get ready for a stupid bonfire?) Nikkole thinks something "juicy" must have happened, if they feel the ladies need to see it.
Guys. They head to bonfire. John says he's nervous. Tommy: "Bring it on."
Bonfire. The guys arrive, dissing Mark L. Walberg, as usual. This is the last bonfire. Mark L. Walberg says they usually know when they're being filmed, but sometimes cameras are more hidden. Tonight, they get to see their women in moments during which they may or may not have known cameras were on them.
John doesn't want to watch, but will. John will let the guys all watch, and will sing a song in his head while it plays. The tape is of Shannon lying in bed, starring at John's photo. Oh, so gay. The tape ends, and John hugs Mark L. Walberg. Hee. Incidentally, that's the first hug Mark L. Walberg has received in three years. He folds himself into the hug like a drowning man. John says how happy he is to see that on the tape, and almost starts crying. Pussy. He tells some story about how Tony had tons of photos of Genevieve, and John felt bad he had none of Shannon, and there was a photo of John and his nephew, and Shannon took it on their first day on the island...Bor-ing. Mark L. Walberg is happy for John. Tommy scowls.
Edmundo will watch. Mark L. Walberg refers to him as "[his] friend." So sad. The tape starts. Catherine and Brian on the beach. Commercials.
Bonfire. Edmundo watches, shaking his head, as Brian and Catherine make out on night-vision camera. John squints and stares at Edmundo. Kissing. Kissing. Over. Tommy sighs. Edmundo looks like he wants to punch Mark L. Walberg. Do it! Do it! Instead, Edmundo says his heart is pounding and he feels...not let down, but "concerned." Blah. He expresses his heartfelt emotions by saying that he doesn't like to see "some dude working [his] chick." Poetic. Lovely. He continues that he doesn't like to see that because he's "a man." What? He tools on that he's been doing his own thang and...he doesn't know. Mark L. Walberg, looking for an ass-whooping, says he can tell Edmundo is bummed and upset and he needs to think why he's feeling this way. He moves on.
Mark will watch. The boys gather around. The Flute of Fornication plays as we see Kelley and Keebler Tom sneaking into his bed. She says she has wet clothes on. Wet where? We can't see anything else. The tape ends. Mark pretends to care. He tells Mark L. Walberg that it could have been harmless, but could have been more. "I...I don't know," lies Mark L. Walberg. Hee. Mark says it hurts, but he's glad he watched. Okay. Good for you.
Tommy. He says it's time for him to "come to some answers." He's going to watch. "I'm sure the best is for last." Since Nikkole and he keep saying stuff like that, it's obvious their relationship is dead strong. The tape. They ain't fucking around. Whoa! Fire Tommy is full on top of Nikkole, his shirt off, dry-humping her. It's actually pretty gross to see. The motions. Tommy instantly scowls and stares close at the monitor. Wow. Nikkole grabs his back as the humping continues. John does a great double-take, smirking, to Tommy. Montage of legs and mad Tommy! It ends. Mark is awed. Tommy is stunned. Tommy says that it was "very disturbing," and at the same time, he's been guilty of some things: "You make your bed, you have to lie in it." He says that he's either going to have to "accept it" or "just deal with it." Wha? Mark L. Walberg blahs about what the tape means, and how they all have big decisions to make. He dismisses them, Mark L. Walberg left alone as usual. As always. As forever.
Tommy tells us that Nikkole has said she wanted to marry him, and now he has to watch some dude kissing Nikkole "between her legs." (Whoa. I didn't see that part.) He goes on that he's guilty of some stuff, but not to that degree. "Yet," I'm sure. I think Kristin is going to have more than White Eye Shadow on her face before the night is through.
Tommy is up in the camera, saying, "I definitely feel like a mushroom- cloud-laying motherfucker right about now." Where is that from? I can't remember. He nods into the camera as we dissolve to commercials.
week...Girl bonfire. Catherine's heart is racing. Nikkole thinks Tommy is going to have sex with someone. Meanwhile, the guys are mad. Tommy is mad. John doesn't know if he can handle the relationship. Mark L. Walberg gathers the hos and tells them that this is their last night all together. All inhibitions are lost! You know, because there have been so many up to this point. Dancing. Dancing. Drunk people. Everyone is naked and swimming and making out. Pink says she's sad. Final date selection. Emotional! Half the hos are booted. Ho! Ho! Ho! Fade to black on Caneel's booted face. And that's it! Wait, why didn't Mark L. Walberg ever smack down Shannon for passing notes in class? Fuck. Oh well. Later, my skanks!