I have Christmas cards to write and presents to buy and I have to pack for a trip back home -- and instead I'm sitting in my underwear watching Temptation Island 2. It's good to know where your priorities are, huh?
Previously. "Fueled" by stuff she heard and saw at bonfire, Catherine got all crazy and gave into Rossi's hick-a-licious words. (Is it possible that Catherine's titties are actually getting faker by the day?) Mark's and Kelley's arrival stirred shit up. We saw them dance around as various hos dug on them. John and Nayla were getting freaky. So were Nikkole and Fire Tommy. Then Rossi dissed the shit out of Tony (Tony of the gay jack-off porno, as it was recently revealed in the press) because Catherine picked him for her fourth date. Hate me some Rossi. Hillary freaked. Hillary freaked. And Mark L. Walberg warned the temptees that soon, half the hos have to bail. Whew. A lot is going on on that crazy island, huh?
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Day 12. Montage Of Sleeping as Mark warns the kids of the impending mass booting. Catherine wakes and tit-overs that she's dreading having to boot all the guy hos. Kristen S. (White Eye Shadow Girl) goes to bed with Tommy -- who wakes up and spritzes something all over himself. I guess he's trying to wash the scent of ho off his body -- like it'll ever come out now. Kristen hopes she gets to stay. Pink mans that the hos are all forced to all pack just in case. Hillary, then, complains that Edmundo hasn't been acting like himself, and she wants to talk to him in case she gets the boot. She then asks him what if that happens, and Edmundo wiggles, "Then I would leave here with a regret." Edmundo takes the lie one step further by saying that "in [his] heart," she's going to be on the island until the end. Yeah, but not in reality. Oh! Actually, he says that she would be on the island "until the end of time." Hee. Meaning, the cast and crew would pack up and not tell Hillary, leaving her to make friends with a volleyball and knock her own tooth out with an ice skate. That would be a good fucking show: the loser ho has to stay -- forever !
Iceman complains about the impending booting -- why worry if you have no chance at all of staying? He also says Rossi is pissed that Catherine didn't pick him for her date. Now Rossi and Catherine are lying down somewhere and he, in his own stupid way, confronts her about it. She says that there are reasons for her picking Tony -- mostly because Rossi gets in "here" -- and she points to her head. He wishes the finger was pointing a little lower. Rossi keeps interrupting and being a dickface in trying to get her to tell the truth, uh, which she's actually doing if you'd shut your possum-pie hole for a fucking second. Rossi camera-talks that he's pissed and blah blah blah goateecakes. Catherine then tells us that Rossi is sad, but she has feelings for more than one person. Hee.
Boat! Fourth dates. Catherine and Tony swim and play. Tony mumbles that he was "flabbergasted" to be picked. The editors leave out the part where he goes on to say that he hopes this extra attention won't suddenly make the press find out that he jacked off for money on camera for a gay porno. He mumbles that he doesn't know if she's into him. Um, let's clear that up for you right now: No.
Edmundo and Linda also boat and swim. Edmundo babbles to us about Linda and how cool she is and how nice it is to be with her on the date. Linda puts down her cigarette long enough to camera-talk that she thinks Edmundo picked her because she's not a total freak, like some people, and won't boil his rabbit. She goes on to say that Hillary is crazy, and Edmundo wants no more of that. Aw, sad. Now they chat on a beach. Edmundo camera-talks that he doesn't regret not picking Hillary anymore. Trouble!
Ruben and Shannon ride an ATV on the beach. A monkey runs out of the way, screaming. Run, monkey! Run! Shannon camera-talks about how much fun she had, and he says that they never lacked for conversation, and then she says that they have similar personalities and they connect and she would totally date him again. The look on her face: he's gone. By the way, they are also wine-tasting -- which looks like drinking moonshine out of a keg funneled through medical tubing. Yum.
John and Nayla on a boat. She babbles that they clicked and "emotionally" and I'm so sick of that word now. John dull-overs that he needs an emotional and intellectual connection when it comes to romance -- plus someone who can pay the bills for his broke ass. They eat and they lie on the beach. She camera-talks that everyone on the island is rooting for them because they complete each other, or some shit.
Mark and Donna ride horses. They are a fucking perfect match, by the way. He camera-tools that he has to have a really hot girl. He actually says, "I can't just have some average girl. I gotta have somebody who turns heads." Lord almighty. Well, I guess Donna does turn heads -- but maybe not in a good way. The best is that now Donna theorizes that Mark picked her because he thinks she's hot. Mark now tells us that he's thinking he and Kelley don't have it so bad, but he's also thinking that being single might be fun. Wow -- both thoughts in that head at one time! Get that man an Excedrin!
Kelley and Keebler Tom. He starts the toolishness all over again as he says that he knew she dug him right away, but told her that it's for her to make the call. She camera-talks that she almost feels guilty digging him, but that's why she's here. They eat a picnic. He listens as she complains about Mark. Man, Keebler Tom's whole rap is a pretty annoying and lame one, but effective. She tells us she's learning "a whole lot here." Good for you, honey.
Tommy and Tiffani. They go to a monkey sanctuary and play with monkeys. She likes him because he's "truthful." I don't know. They eat on the beach, and Tommy complains about Nikkole. Tiffani whores that Nikkole is "frumpy," needs to work out, and needs a tan. Good goddamn, what a bitch-hole. They drink coconut milk as a monkey looks on with total disapproval.
Nikkole and FireTommy. They fish and look at turtles. She says she's stuck on him, but he moves really slow. He tells us that he does, indeed, move slowly with ladies, and doesn't force any issue -- which is a nice change after Keebler Tom's and Rossi's bullshit. Tommy says he's going to try to kiss Nikkole eventually and, sure, he might get slapped. I'll go out on a limb here, but I'm glad Tommy didn't die.
Catherine tells us that she didn't think about anything today except who she was with and what was happening. This was the first time she's been in the moment on the trip, and she thinks Tony is a "sweetheart," but now she knows exactly what she wants out of a relationship. Aw, poor Tony. Gone! Tony, meanwhile, masturbates that he really likes Catherine and they had a great time. He goes on to say that Rossi is mad and he can understand why, but if Tony ends up with Catherine, he'll feel like he deserves her. Aw, how sad. You know what's sadder? I bet now with the porn revelation, Tony's lost his job getting high and playing kickball with kids every day. That's the sad part. Commercials.
Back. Rain. Leaves. Crap music. The non-dating boys are all riled up, the couples just returning from their dates. Kelley camera-hos that everyone knows boy hos are getting booted soon, and people are freaking. Catherine tells us that it was pouring rain and everyone was tired thinking about the booting, so they decided to get drunk and dance. Um, isn't that what they all do every night? Now Kelley has Keebler Tom lie down, and does a body shot off him. Yuck. Double yuck. Rossi, then, unable not to be the center of attention for a second, kisses Keebler Tom. Ew. Now Rossi does a shot off Catherine. He tells us he enjoyed it. Now Nikkole does one off FireTommy. Boys are touching other boys too much. Ali looks like a cartoon, by the way. Now Nikkole and FireTommy walk on the beach in night-vision cam. She babbles about how much she feels for him and he voice-overs that he wanted to kiss her, and so he did. She tells us it was a nice kiss, and worth waiting for. Moon. Done. Ew, that was a gross segment. I feel dirty now.
Morning. The Music of Impending Ho-Booting plays as Mark L. Walberg makes his toolish presence felt and sits down on the beach with the four ladies. He babbles about choices and the moment and how this is not about booting but about inviting someone to stay and there were nine guy hos but now eight because Jeff of the Marble Mouth had a family emergency and had to go. What? We get a sad shot of him packing. Mark L. Walberg says that his thoughts are with Jeff and he knows the ladies' are too -- and the girls don't say a thing or even nod. Thass fucked up, yo.
The boy hos walk out. They keep showing Ali for some reason. What's with that? Anyway, Nikkole is first and she walks over and in slo-mo picks FireTommy. No shit. Ali looks sad. Aw. Nikkole voice-overs that she thinks about FireTommy even more than she thinks about her boyfriend. Double Sad.
Shannon's turn. (Yes, she has fake titties, whoever disagreed with me. Please.) Shannon walks over in slo-mo, and does not pick Ruben, but rather Kevin. Who? What? Jigga-when? Kevin is a Champion Windsurfer. Huh. Okay. She tells us that she wanted to pick Ruben, but that they are very similar, while Kevin comes from a whole different place and offers her a different blee de blah.
Catherine. Tony smiles. Rossi smiles. Keebler Tommy. She walks over. Tony again. Keebler Tommy. She gives the Stick of I Want To Fuck You to Rossi. She justifies that she's challenging herself by picking the one guy who makes her question her relationship with Edmundo. Mark L. Walberg smiles and nods at us. Ew. Stop that.
Kelley's turn. Shot of Ali. Ali. In slo-mo, Kelley picks Keebler Tommy. She says that he's "such a personality and such a heart." Man. She goes on to say that "you can't help but just love him." Speak for yourself, lady.
So now Mark L. Walberg babbles, as he likes to do, that this doesn't mean this is the person they're going on their last date with, and in light of that, they can pick one more guy to keep. Oooh! What a twist! Commercials.
Kelley gets to pick. All the guys smile and stare down. Kelley feels guilty, but sticks her fake titties out and walks over, and in slo-mo picks Ali. Yeah! I like Ali. Poor Ali. Ali is happy and Kelley voice-overs that Ali is a "riot" and he's someone she could have a lot of fun with on a date. Now Kelley pouts as Mark L. Walberg says goodbye to Ruben, Kaine, and Tony. Buh-Bye!
Shannon camera-talks that it's sad to see the guys go, and they have a smaller group now, and it's no longer the same. As long as you keep showing us your titties, it's the same to us, lady.
Now the guys. The girl hos prance out and Mark L. Walberg greets them and babbles the same nonsense he always babbles. Lots of shots of Edmundo and Hillary. Tommy is first. He's wearing a terrible straw hat. Tommy looks pissy as he walks over and gives the Stick of I Want To Fuck You to Kristin. He babbles that they connected, and we see them kiss at night on the beach. Tommy says, "She's a person of substance and value, so that makes it kind of cool." Heeeeeeeeeeeee.
Edmundo. He camera-talks to us that he thought he was going to come here and skate through and didn't think anyone was going to go psycho on him, basically. John is laughing as Edmundo thinks, and then walks over. Edmundo gives the stick to Linda. Yes! Hillary almost starts crying right away. Edmundo babbles about Linda opening his eyes to something new or some shit. They don't linger on Hillary, which makes me sad. I want to see her freak the fuck out. Maybe later?
Now Mark. Shots of Katie and Donna. He lifts himself up by his double earrings and gives the stick to Pink. Katie is sad. John says he picked Pink because she's fun and gets drunk with him. Her name is Amanda, by the way, which is funny to me because you can't spell "Amanda" without "Man."
John's turn. Nayla smiles. John says out loud to them that they all know where this vote is going, and he thinks they're all awesome girls and he hopes to see them again. It's Nayla. They hug, and John voice-overs that she's the only girl about whom, when he hugs her, he actually feels something. (I have to say, I like John. Even though he's poor and can't dance.) He adds that he does also think she's cute; he's not going to lie. Huh?
Mark L. Walberg. Babbling. Yet again. They can pick one more! Mark's choice. Oh, snap, I wish he would pick Hillary. If I were Mark, I'd pick her just to fuck with Edmundo. Also, if I was Mark, I'd lose at least one of the two earrings. Mark walks over and picks Katie. Yay! Katie stays. Thank god. I was going to be mad if they booted the only smart girl ho. Mark camera-talks that he likes how she's brutally honest -- as the camera lingers over Katie's ass -- but he's not sure if Katie is the one to give him what he wants.
So Donna, Hillary, Tiffani, and Kishi are Buh-Bye. So sad. Hillary camera-talks, as we see a montage of their "relationship," that she thought Edmundo cared for her and she "loves" him, but she had a sense that he "changed his focus," and she's sad. I wish she would totally freak out and yell, "But I sucked your dick! Doesn't that mean anything!?" or something like that. That would rule. Edmundo now camera-talks that she played her cards wrong and was acting like a baby. He blahs on. She walks off. Bye, Hillary! Don't let your other personalities hit you on the ass on your way out. Commercials.
Back. The two new groups are sent to the guys' side, where they meet. Mark L. Walberg babbles about new groups and how they're being put to a test. He announces that each group is going on a big mass date and won't be back until the night. To decide who goes where, they will do tug-of-wars. First everyone. Then just the guys. Then the girls if necessary. The first date is a five-star hotel, and then a boat cruise. The second is a rustic tent and rafting tour. Yeah, obviously everyone wants the hotel. "I'm so not about rustic," says Shannon. Now the girls on both sides throw eyes and camera-talk bitchiness about wanting to beat the other side. John says everyone is pumped. Rossi tells us they're not going to lose.
First tug-of-war. Mark L. Walberg begs for slack. He gets it. Go! Yelling. Yelling. "Heave-ho!" everyone yells. "Pull!" More yelling. Grunting. Lots of tittles. Katie yells. Tommy grunts. The guys and girl hos win! Rossi babbles. John asks, "Did you guys drink last night?" Shannon gives him the crazy stink-eye. Mark L. Walberg loves watching the guys pulling. Now it's just the men vs. men. One boy ho sits out. Ha: it's Keebler Tommy. Keebler Tommy camera-talks. I don't listen.
Here is the funniest thing of the whole show. Catherine asks, "What are you guys pulling on? 'Heave' or 'ho'?" Yes! Ha! Everyone says, "Ho," and then Kelley says, "Ho. Definitely ho." Catherine has no idea why she's smiling. Now FireTommy tells us that the other guys are in great shape and he's a little worried. Mark L. Walberg begs for slack again. Go! Keebler Tommy cheers them on as our guys are winning. Ho! Ho! Ho! The guy hos start winning. "Use your legs, Rossi!" yells Keebler Tom. Yeah, the boy hos win. Fuck. I don't know why I care. Now Rossi camera-talks, and I remember why. Rossi says it was "classic" that they won. Catherine jokes about the boyfriends losing. "It must suck," she laughs. Bitch. Now the girls! Yeah! Nayla wants to win. Catherine says they want to "shame" the girl hos. Funny, so do I, but in a different way. Commercials.
The girls. They get ready. Man, the girl hos lose in about ten seconds. Katie may be great, but she's a terrible tug-of-war-er. Nikkole camera-talks about how easy it was. The girls cheer. Tommy complains that they lost. Mark L. Walberg, as if he has to bother, asks which trip they want. They pick the hotel. Kelley babbles that it really made them a team. Obviously led by Rossi -- who I wish Edmundo would beat up -- the ladies and boy hos chant, "Pitch a tent!" mocking the rustic trip the others have to take. John responds, "I've been doing that for two weeks." Hee. That's fucking funny. What's funnier is the stink-eye Shannon throws at him. Mark is pissed they lost to those "chumps." I'm surprised there aren't more fights between the guys, really. That would be good television.
Catherine babbles to us how excited she is as they take a tiny plane to the hotel. Rossi is psyched. Shannon describes the beautiful hotel as we see it -- it is cool. The other team is on a plane and John camera-talks that they were bitching the whole plane trip but finally he said that they need to just chill and enjoy it. Pink blah-overs about how they would have picked the other trip. No shit, Mannix. They select already-set-up tents as Pink still babbles about being jealous.
At the hotel, they drink, and Kelley says that they deserve this nice trip. How? Shannon describes how they all -- all eleven of them -- lay on tables in a line under a canopy and got professional massages while it rained around them. Okay, it does look pretty dope. Kelley jokes that their boyfriends must be bummed, and then everyone is drinking and Keebler Tommy and Ali joke about how sucky it must be for the others in the rain.
The others are in the rain. It's actually not raining, and they sit around a fire and roast marshmallows and they all weakly try to spin how they feel "sorry" for the others having to be in "that stupid hotel." Hee. Nice try. I think they're all loopy from spider bites. Katie says that the others got stuck with a "commercial trip," and Linda camera-talks that the situation is so "real." Hee. Lame shots of drinking and roasting marshmallows. Katie loves her marshmallows. Linda husks that she grew more and more attracted to Edmundo and he's funny and she likes that and he's obviously tired of Hillary/Tiffani drama and maybe she'll fuck him. "You never know," she says. Commercials.
Day 14. Guys and girl hos. River rafting. It looks fun. This may be the first time they haven't been drinking during the whole trip. Tommy camera-talks that the river rafting took pressure off him. Yes. Being on a gorgeous island, drinking constantly, and fucking random beautiful women is an incredibly pressure-filled environment. As they all swim and jump around in a waterfall, John camera-talks that they'd all rather be doing this. I don't know. Now they all lie out on rocks. Kristen voice-overs how emotional this trip has been for her, and that they're a little family. Well, that's one ho-ey family.
Big boat. Catherine camera-talks that they get to spend the whole day on a seventy-one-foot boat. Good for her. They are served drinks and food. Rossi camera-talks that Catherine is digging him and is right on the brink and tottering between him and Edmundo and we see them chilling on the boat and drinking and Rossi ain't been funny in a long time. I guess he used up all his funny by about day 3. Drinking. Drinking. Skin. Kevin camera-talks that he and Shannon bonded, and it takes him a while to open up, and he's happy about it. And as he talks to the camera, he looks stoned out of his mind. What do you expect? He's a windsurfer. Don't you have to be high?
Now suddenly they're all back, and Rossi is complaining to us that they had to get on a short bus early in the morning and head to the guys' side and Keebler Tommy is theorizing that something is going down. Beach. Everyone is gathered. Dramatic music! Dramatic music! Catherine tosses Edmundo some Manson Lamps. Mark L. Walberg tools that he told them to expect the unexpected and change is coming. Dramatic music! Horses! Horses! Everyone looks. Shocked expressions. Horses' hooves! A bunch of new hos arrive! Catherine is stunned. Tommy can't believe it. Rossi is stunned. Ali laughs and Catherine says to him, "He's so hot." Oh, poor Ali. She's talking about "Brian." Oh, they brought back the first hos booted along with three others of each gender. (Remember, Brian and Caneel?) Pretty sneaky, Mark L. Walberg. Mark L. Walberg babbles that they've brought a new ho for each temptee, based on what they long ago said they like in a mate. The couples stare. Catherine loves Brian. Edmundo glares. Rossi glares. Yes! Fuck you, Rossi. (Although it is a little shitty for the initial hos that they've put so much effort into working it, and now there are new hos. I will say that much.) Caneel is for John, obviously, as he claps on his foot for some reason when she's introduced and John and Shannon exchange death glances. Shannon is pissed. The new hos are taking off for the night, but they'll be able to see them the day. Catherine camera-talks how hot she thinks Brian is. The initial hos are bummed -- they walk off with the temptees. The ladies are all saying, right in front of the hos, "I hope Brian is for me. I want Brian." Oh, how funny. FireTommy camera-talks that Brian is back in the game and "that was Rossi's worst nightmare." Heeeeee! Fuck yeah. Commercials.
Scenes. Fuck, there are no episodes for Three Weeks! Then the final "shocking" episodes. Crap. Hugging. Hugging. Night-hugging. Kissing. Tommy kisses someone. Tommy kisses someone else. The new hos jiggle it and shake ass. Someone is under the covers. FireTommy and Nikkole make out. Waves. Titties. Brian smiles. Caneel says that they tried to get rid of her, but "the bitch is back!" One of the new girl hos lapdances Tommy in a thong. Tommy's jaw hits the floor. Katie nuzzles Tommy. No! Stop that right now! She tugs on her titties. The new hos arrive, "sending passions to soaring heights of intensity," the Big Voice says. Man. That's some good writing, there. People in bed. People in bed. Linda didn't know she could have such feelings for Edmundo so quickly. Nikkole stares in disbelief at the video monitor. "He's about to sleep with somebody." Edkettle-o sees Pot kissing Brian on tape and gets all upset: "Some dude working my chick." Hee. Final bonfire! Catherine tells us she has a "deep hole." Pushing to the brink! John says this is the most painful thing he's ever felt. Shannon cries. Nikkole cries. Fate of their relationship. Mark is crying to Kelley that he saw her go into a room with some guy and get in bed. Kelley cries. Tommy hates Nikkole. Shannon cries. John doesn't. Catherine acts, "The hardest thing is walking away."