A minute ago I was watching Temptation Island 2 and my cat sat in front of me staring at me for five minutes, then puked on the rug and ran away. And she even had a week away from all the ho-osity. I guess a week wasn't enough, considering how she had to sit through the Facts of Life Reunionmovie last week. Poor kitty.
Previously. By some weird twist of fate I still don't understand, Keebler Tom has to decide between Genevieve and Catherine. He works Catherine into not being mad. Meanwhile, Edmundo has a big lap-dance party, and psycho Hillary who is not even his girlfriend gets jealous when he gives some to Pink. Bonfire. The girls watch the secret admirer tapes. Catherine cries. Nikkole doesn't give a shit. Then Keebler Tom makes a tape about how he wants to steal Catherine away from Edmundo. John declares him to be "a magician with words." Stee declares John to be "a douchebag with a soul patch."
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Genevieve wakes up. She voice-overs that she chose to come to TI2, not Tony, and now she's found that she was just nitpicking and she already misses Tony. She's been keeping a journal. Hmm -- I wonder if she uses a pen, or writes with her fangs in blood. She breaks the lens with her piercing, evil eyes as she tells us that her journal is to remind her of stuff she wants to tell Tony. Ooh, we get a reading. "Tony, you are amazing. You know me better than anyone on this Earth." (A few people on other Earths know her too, I guess.) She goes on to say that without Tony she wouldn't be where she is. The eighth-grade poetry continues as she camera-talks that she tells Tony to be a man, but maybe she needs to let him take control a bit more. Y'know, one would think she's learned something and this is all very laudable and good. However, my take is that Genevieve needs some fawning that Tony gives her that she misses, and she came on this show to get attention and belittle Tony, and now, in a bigger, more subtle power play, she's deciding she's had enough and is going to expect Tony to have had enough as well. She goes on that she felt jealous when she saw Tony holding hands on his date and it felt good for her to feel that and she doesn't need to see it again. She cries, telling us that at the end she's going to give Tony a big hug and never let go. Isn't that what pythons do?
Beach. Chair. Ladies. The toolishness that is Mark L. Walberg. (No opening sequence this week, huh, buddy? No big speech and sad open arms. Poor you.) Mark L. Walberg kisses all the girls; they barely tolerate it. He says he hasn't seen the girls in a while. So, the girls say. The girls don't know what this meeting is about, and he tells them that they have to get rid of one of the remaining eleven boy hos. Suddenly we see the boy hos standing there, and Mark L. Walberg tools on about who you're least attracted to and doesn't hold any answers and consensus and good luck. The ladies get up and chat. Genevieve wants to get rid of marble-mouthed Jeff, and Nikkole does too, but then they say the other boy hos hate Jeff but that's not a reason, and then they discuss Omar, but Nikkole likes Omar with the abs and he's nice, and there's a shot of Juleby, and Nikkole reluctantly agrees to whatever they decide, and they sit, and Mark L. Walberg asks if there's a consensus, and Nikkole says no but she's outvoted and then makes Shannon be the one to do the deed. So Shannon laughs as she does whenever anything occurs in life and walks straight over to Juleby and gives him The Necklace Of Buh-Bye and says that none of them really got to know him, and he's sad but says it's cool and hugs his boys and walks off. I just realized who Juleby looks exactly like: The lead singer cartoon character of Gorillaz. With the snaggle teeth and hair. Man. Shannon is sad for him. The girls wave as Juleby, seeming nice, lies to himself by telling us that he could have done something if he wasn't blocked from Catherine, but he couldn't get anything going with the other girls and he'd rather let his "boys go to work." He leaves. So sad.
Mark L. Walberg says that it's not fun to boot and then says, "You gotta be in the moment because you never know when it's going to happen again." That sentence makes absolutely no sense. Read it again. Fox, be ashamed of yourself. (Fire that writer and hire me!!) Mark L. Walberg then pulls a rabbit out of his tool belt and announces that they have to boot yet another boy ho. Dramatic Music! The girls don't care, but The Crack Editing Staff tries to make it look like they do. Nikkole says she gets to have her pick now. Genevieve says no. Mark L. Walberg tries to get in the middle but is clawed out. Genevieve says, "He is most like mine." Huh? She goes on to say that "he" could give her the most insight into Tony. Jigga-what? Oh, it's Jeff. Nikkole and Catherine say that he's not very smart. Hee. Genevieve continues to say no. Shannon sorta doesn't care. Nikkole knows the "" is Omar and she likes him. Genevieve continues to bitch our way into commercials.
I hate Christmas commercials so much. I would totally stop watching TV because of them…if I had anything better to do.
More bitching. More bitching. Nikkole is pissed. Catherine tries to make peace and then explains the situation to us -- that they're divided between Jeff and Omar. They break off talks, Nikkole pissed and outvoted. Mark L. Walberg makes the stunning deduction that Nikkole isn't happy with the decision. Catherine walks over and gives The Necklace Of Buh-Bye to Omar. He says, "No problem." Catherine plays the "we haven't connected" card. The boy hos hug Omar. Nikkole camera-bitches that Omar did nothing but insult Genevieve after Genevieve insulted his roommate. Huh? Now Omar explains that one night she was being mean to boy ho Tony, and when he sees a girl with a big ego and he doesn't think she's "all that," he'll put her back in her place. Oh, nice. Omar walks away, his abs scaring children and dogs all over the island as he walks off into the jungle. Mark L. Walberg tools that "impasses" are bound to happen because these are all great guys. Mark L. Walberg loves the men. The girls are dismissed.
Iceman camera-talks that the girls have formed a "coalition," totally misusing the word because that's not what he means at all. He says Shannon and Genevieve vote together, Catherine tries to mediate, and Nikkole is cool but has stayed away from the other girls because she's her own girl. Okay, so Iceman actually said nothing, making no sense from beginning to end. Stupid-ass. At the huts, the girls continue to argue, Catherine still mediating, this time trying to get a pissed Nikkole to understand why she tried to mediate. That's dual-level mediation. That can be dangerous. Iceman goes on to say that the girls are pissed and the boy hos are going to try to capitalize on that, once again making no sense. Nikkole points her finger at Shannon and Genevieve, telling them that they better pick Jeff for their date. Yeah they better. Genevieve says that they're done and Shannon pleads, "Don't be mad." Nikkole walks upstairs, saying that she's going to be mad no matter what. Nikkole has a scar that makes her look like she got shot in the back. More likely, that vicious pit bull they have mauled her. Shot of Omar riding away on a horse. Hee.
Guys' side. The guys are assembled on the beach. The girl hos stand dangerously close to the ocean. With some of them, even a small wave could whisk them away for good. Be careful, girl hos. Mark L. Walberg babbles about being in the moment again and not wasting "the moment" and goes on to right away tell the guys to boot two girls. The guys don't give a shit. They get together and whisper a little bit. Tommy says something about the masseuse saying she lost respect for him after his hoing the other night, so he wants to boot her. John says something but really, who cares? Shot of another girl as Tony says that that girl became a "distraction" for him last night, and he's never had his "long fuse of patience" run out like that on anyone before. (Wow, that's a pretty good self-assessment from Tony. Hey, he's a total tool, but at least he knows it!) The guys are done and sit down.
Tony is going to deliver the news. He gives The Necklace Of Buh-Bye to Meredith. She nods. He says that she's become a "distraction" from the reason he's there, and he doesn't want to feel like he has to "walk softly" (well, what do you have to do around Genevieve?), so she's gone. Meredith looks like she's gonna cry. He camera-talks that she's done a lot of stuff, but last night, hanging out, she kept putting her hands up his shirt and he kept saying no -- we see this -- and he's been through sexual harassment training and he did everything he could possibly do without laying a hand on her. The other guys laugh at this. Ha. Goober. Meredith walks away, voice-overing that she digs Tony. She camera-talks that she thinks he "needs to relax." Oh, shut up. You got booted. Bye!
Mark L. Walberg makes them boot the other. Tommy does it. John is laughing. Tommy gives it to the 4-Non-Blondes-looking rock drummer chick, Kristin G., and he says it's because she lost all respect for him and "it's time for [her] to go home." Now she camera-talks, "Tommy is lame." Hee. She says that Edmundo was getting a lap-dance and just going with it, but that he didn't create the situation, and then Tommy saw and tried to hone in. Oh, what bullshit. Later. Have fun playing the six o'clock warm-up spot at CBGB's. She's gone. Mark L. Walberg tells them all they can leave. Kristin G. rides off on horseback. Commercials.
I'm going to piss off a lot of people right now, but I have to say it. I couldn't care less about Malcolm In The Middle, Buffy, or The X-Files. See. What did I tell you?
Island Prettiness. Island Prettiness. Pelican. Night. Ladies' side. The boy hos are upset, says Keebler Tom. Mark L. Walberg took the boy hos out for a beer (yeah, I bet he did), and the ladies came as well. So we see this. Everyone was tired and emotional, says K.T. (Okay, I'm switching tenses now.) Everyone is being who they are and not guarding themselves. Genevieve is telling Mark L. Walberg and the boys that she came here to get away from Tony, and it only took four days and now she's done. All the boy hos are pissed at her. Rossi now camera-talks that Genevieve decided this after being with Keebler Tom, but she hasn't given him a chance. Keebler Tom is upset. (He should be; he turned Genevieve off of boys.) At the bar, Nikkole says that Tony is too scared to cheat on Genevieve because she would kick his ass. All the boy hos laugh, as does Genevieve, but then she denies it. Rossi says that Genevieve holds the balls in the family. Keebler Tom camera-talks that Genevieve has made herself seem like a "kook" because she said she was going to go on this "journey" and now she's not.
Later. Genevieve walks through the jungle back home, going to talk to Shannon. Pissed. Genevieve says that Nikkole is mean. She bitches about Rossi having dissed John and Tony and saying they're a "joke" for being on the show. Genevieve says she's freaking out.
Now some of the boys and Nikkole walk back to the huts. Genevieve and Shannon come out, and Genevieve tells Nikkole that she doesn't want to hear any more jokes about Tony. Nikkole is like, "What?" Nikkole did nothing wrong. Genevieve feels bad for dissing Tony and feels like now she needs to defend him. The argument continues. Rossi said that he said the "balls" comment, and he's the "funny guy." Genevieve now is forced to argue this point: that she agreed that she'd kick Tony's ass if he cheated, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have the balls to leave her. Hee. Arguing. Arguing. Genevieve is wrong. She says she's done with the jokes. Rossi says that he's going to have to keep his distance, then, because that's what's he's "about." He camera-talks that it's a "comedic" situation. The girls walk back upstairs, and Rossi is voice-overing about how she has a long road ahead of her because this journey has just begun, but I'm just staring at Shannon's ass so I don't hear much of what he says. Commercials.
Hee. A genital wart commercial during Temptation Island 2. Almost as fitting as the herpes one.
Hey, are we done with Shaggy yet? Please?
Back. Island Prettiness. Hillary fans herself. The girl hos wait. The guys sit. A boat comes by. Long shots of nothing. Here come the ladies and the boy hos. They make illicit eye contact. Weird montage. Music. Mark L. Walberg announces that it's time for date selection. Applause. He announces that all the couples decided to get rid of the blocks. Misleading edits. Misleading edits. The kids get to ask people out on dates, but not someone they dated already. First is John. He picks Linda, the heavy smoker who was just unblocked from him. He says it was a "very talented block." Shannon camera-talks that Linda dissed her at bonfire and now she's upset. Naturally, she laughs.
Tony is . He picks Katie, the girl with a lot on the inside who did the impression of Catherine. Me likes her Student/Waitress self a lot. Genevieve smiles. She camera-talks that the "theatre of the mind" can come up with incredible scenarios, and "we're women" but she's not going to worry about it.
Tommy. He picks Pink. She adjusts her cock and walks over. Mark L. Walberg does a rock-and-roll sign when he repeats her name. It's the toolishest thing he's done so far. Goddamn, it's funny shit. They hug. Nikkole camera-talks that if Tommy likes "sleaze," that's fine with her. Hee.
Edmundo picks Donna. I won't say anything about her. Catherine now camera-talks that the whole time she was trying to catch Edmundo's eye, but she couldn't, and maybe he saw something at bonfire that pissed him off. Or maybe he just doesn't love you.
Catherine picks Keebler Tom. Edmundo watches. He says that Catherine was "disrespectful" because K.T. already dissed her by not picking her before, and now she's picking him. Shut up.
Genevieve picks Ruben, the champion kickboxer. He says that he loves Genevieve but since she's already "over it," he's rather just hang with the guys. So would Mark L. Walberg.
Nikkole is . She picks Tommy the NYC Firefighter, I guess so that if she fucks him, she won't have to worry about calling out the wrong name. She says that Tommy is "so hot" and "so perfect" and she's never run into a guy like that before. (The obvious question: is Tommy still alive? Yikes. We all hope so.)
Mark L. Walberg picks Shannon's name out. Stupid, it's the last one. Hee. She picks Jeff. Nikkole laughs. Shannon says that he seems nice and he seems fun. The dates start soon, Mark L. Walberg says, and dismisses them.
Now Shannon says that honestly she got the short end of the stick, and since she and Genevieve promised to go out with Jeff and she had to pick last, she got "screwed." Aw, fucking harsh.
Dates. Shannon and Jeff. She camera-talks that she has red flags since the two girls who dated him so far wanted to boot him. Yeah, no shit. They go to an island, but it's rainy and they don't want to hike in the rain. Shitty date, already.
John and Linda. On a boat. He babbles to us about talking to her. They romp in the water and eat coconut. She rasps to us that she wants to get to know him and find out his feeling and zzzzzzzzz…
Waterfall. Pink and Tommy. She camera-talks that she and Tommy are the two who stay up late, and they talk about "important" stuff. They swim, and it looks like Pink is peeing in the pool. She likes him. He hopes she'll do him, he sorta says. Pink says there is a spark and maybe they'll get romantic.
Nikkole. She says they had the best date, rappelling down a waterfall. Tommy the Fireman says he likes Nikkole. They play in the water. She says he is "too perfect" and she's never experienced that before, and maybe she needs to get used to it. Commercials.
Island Prettiness. Keebler Tom is so excited about the date. They go to hot springs and water-slide and swim. He babbles about how it's time to go for it. They rub mud on each other. She camera-talks about going with it. She's lying about having a great time.
Donna and Edmundo. They canoe over to a tiny island, and he camera-talks that Catherine "smothers" him. Donna says that time flew by in the canoe and maybe Edmundo is just testing the waters.
Tony and Katie. They ride horses. She says he's a great guy with great eyes. She really likes him, she says, totally unenthusiastically. He thinks the date felt right and that he was in control. They laugh and ride. I sit and yawn.
Genevieve and Ruben in a tram, feeding monkeys. She says she picked Ruben because he most reminded her of Tony. Eh. Ruben is bored. Spiders! Run! Monkeys. Monkeys. Ruben is bored -- he camera-talks that all the guys have sort of shunned Genevieve now.
Beach. Tony feeds Katie some fruit in slo-mo. How does he do that? Katie camera-talks that she likes guys she can relax around and talk to, and he's a talker. (She hates Tony.) She goes on that she thinks Genevieve is dominating (no shit), and Tony is mellow, so they seem like opposites and they'll probably break up.
John and Linda on a boat. John voice-overs that at the beginning he missed Shannon so much and would go to sleep thinking about her, but now he's discovered he's here for a reason and needs to let it happen.
Plane. Picnic. Touching. Jeff says that he had a great time with Shannon even though they did the least, that they just hung out and talked. Shannon camera-talks that she thinks Jeff got a bad rap and she hopes he stays around. Jeff, meanwhile, hopes he's Shannon's final date. Keep hoping, bro.
Keebler Tom and Catherine wash mud off each other. He's such a weenie. Her boobies are so fake. The camera lecherously runs over her showering as K.T. babbles to us about how he wants to stay close so that if Catherine sees Edmundo getting together, maybe she'll "default" to him. He says he's going to keep trying to win her over. Now Catherine, obviously having had a terrible time with K.T., camera-talks that she has to keep her options open and would be cheating herself if she didn't. Hee.
Edmundo and Donna get over to the small island and find that it's a cemetery. Edmundo babbles about how nice it is, and they climb onto rocks and hang. Donna says she's not thinking of Edmundo romantically, and she thinks he has a better vibe with Hillary. Hee, Donna hates him. Good.
Nikkole and Tommy the Firefighter. They eat pizza outside as she tells us that she's intimidated by him. She thinks he's too good to be true. Nikkole bitches about her Tommy. This Tommy camera-talks that he gives a woman exactly what Nikkole is looking for. Now she camera-talks that she's entering into this cautiously but sometimes the heart takes over, and enigmatically she says that this is romantic and it's a "really nice place to be." They hug. (Man. Again, we hope he's not dead.) Commercials.
Night. Island. Guys' side. The girl hos are dressing the guys in drag and makeup. Eh. Edmundo is uncomfortable. Hillary rubs his legs. Tommy stares at himself and says, "I look disgusting." Hee. John is surrounded. Katie keeps laughing at Tony because he looks so pretty. John is in a dress. Katie says that John needs new boobs. Hillary is still hanging on Edmundo. Now and forever. John sees Edmundo and says, "You've got good nipples, dude. What's up with that." Hee -- that's kinda funny. Now the girl hos watch as they lead the guys out on the beach, and the guys strut around with their new girl names and "work the runway," and the girls laugh way too hard. Pink pulls Tommy's pants down. Screaming. Screaming. Salsa music. They all jump into the pool. Then a dog jumps into the pool, and the editors make it look like the girl hos "wooo!" the loudest for the dog. This show doesn't even make any sense anymore. Well, but yeah, who really cares about sense on this show?
Ladies' side. The ladies are led into a tent, where the boy hos have a whole massage thing set up with fruit and fans and massages and candles. Basically, things guys really know nothing about massage but pretend to when they want to get laid. Shannon says it was "incredible." Rossi camera-talks that here, the girls can get away and forget. Fireman Tommy says Nikkole opened up to him. Keebler Tommy camera-talks that he hopes Rossi backs off Catherine soon. Rossi camera-talks that he would bet on himself to get Catherine. Catherine, meanwhile, laughs and gets rubbed. Her implants wave hello to the camera.
The boy hos leave the girls alone. Genevieve begins talking about how Tony gives her a massage "every day." Nikkole gets up and leaves, because she can tell it's going to be a "boyfriend-reminiscing party" and she's not here to do that. Hee. Shannon strokes her breast as Genevieve shrugs. Catherine camera-talks that she's exploring her limits with the other guys, but she's thinking about Edmundo and she hopes he's thinking of her.
Comedic Cut To: Edmundo and Hillary. Dark room. Night-vision camera. Bed. Stroking each other. Doing that nonsense conversation where you're just waiting to start making out but no one wants to make that first move. Hillary camera-talks about how she was getting mixed signals from Edmundo, but she feels better now. Psycho. Hillary wiggles her ass on the bed as Edmundo camera-talks that he likes Hillary because she's "real." Hee. He goes on to say that he likes Hillary because she's here for a reason…but he doesn't know what it is yet, and it frightens him. Heeeeee. Heeeee. In the dark, they lie closer, and she sucks his fingers. Hillary camera-talks that she has a little bit of "conflict inside of [her]." Yeah, a conflict between whether she should boil his rabbit first, or pour acid on his car. She goes on to say that Edmundo has a girlfriend, and she has to remind herself of that, but she likes him and she's not sure what to do. Now Edmundo is rubbing her ass as he tells us that whatever happens on this island stays on this island, but maybe afterwards there will indeed be repercussions and so he's confused as to what to do. And yeah, now, finally, they're making out on the bed. We hear a tiny moan as we fade to black.
week. The couples "desperately await" the personal video messages. Mark L. Walberg tells Tony that Genevieve left a message, but "due to the content," he can't show it to him. Tony is confused. The bonfire will change everything, we hear. Catherine and Nikkole have to watch the big lap-dance ho-down from the other night. Nikkole says that the girl hos are throwing it at Tommy, and Catherine cries that kissing a girl's titties is not okay, and Nikkole cries that Tommy never respected their relationship. Boy bonfire ends, and Tony is left alone "to face this season's most shocking surprise." Genevieve walks out to him. (Obviously, she's done and has made the decision for Tony that they should now go home.) Genevieve says, "You're scaring me. Tony!" He holds his face in his hands. Yeah, boy. Don't let Genevieve decide that you're done! Snakey-bitch.