Ah. The palm trees, the waves, the sand, the sight of the sweaty and uncomfortably needy former fat kid Mark L. Walberg. Yes, kids, in the wake of the long-awaited decline of reality television, Fox realizes that though we may not have much of a stomach for violence and peril right now, we can always handle drunk, naked, beautiful people fucking each other. And thus, to help launch Temptation Island 2, we get a reunion special of sorts, Temptation Island: The Wedding, named as such because there is nothing Fox viewers like more than hos and people getting hitched under stupid circumstances.
Dressed in a nice suit, Mark L. Walberg -- the man who makes me laugh so with his needy, constantly ignored, toolish self -- stands in some lake-filled country club. He says that we'll soon start Temptation Island 2, "but what about last year's couples?" We'll get new interviews and never-before-seen footage and learn which couple is still together, which has broken up, and which is getting married right here at the end of the show!
After a weird little montage, Mark L. Walberg -- looking a little puffier than his already puffy self did last year -- talks about how one couple is getting married, and then launches into a recap of what Temption Island is all about. Over a montage of last year, Mark L. Walberg tools about couples and two weeks apart and the girl hos and boy hos and island paradise and exotic dates and testing relationships and have I found the one or is there someone better and stunning bonfire and decide the future of their relationship. He says that all three couples (Taheed and Yahtzee, after embarrassing the producers with the revelation that they had a kid, are not mentioned anywhere) left the island together, but once the show became a blehnomenon, pressure came and "fame" and their relationships were tested further and shit. Mark L. Walberg repeats himself and then asks us who is going to be getting married. Oh, they're going to make it a big guessing game. Pretty sneaky, Mark L. Walberg.
Walberg talks about Kaya and Valerie, and how Kaya had fun on his dates while Valerie just missed her gayfriend...I mean, "boyfriend." We see footage of the final bonfire with the sweaty-ass Kaya. Valerie stiffly reads her speech to Kaya, to the effect that she used to act on temptation in past relationships. We get a shot of her now, with slightly longer and blonder hair, telling us that she used to slut around a lot because she could never find a man who could "satisfy [her] fully." Ew. Kaya was monogamy boy. Now Kaya -- looking the same but less sweaty -- tells us that he never dated much; she says she thought he should get out there a bit, and he agrees. This is happening in separate, current interviews. Confused yet? Not worth it. Now from the show, Kaya tells us that he came to find his "market value." CurrentKaya laughs and says he can't believe he said that. Montage of Kaya dates. Girl Hos are saying that Kaya is their favorite. Dates with Allison. Pretty pretty Allison. CurrentValerie says that all the girl hos used their pussies to get with the men while the boy hos just asked the women temptees about their relationships and were gentlemen.
We see footage of a nighttime raid on the boys' cabin. The girls sneak through the window and play with a sleeping Kaya. In the interview I did with the Girl Hos, they told me about that -- that Kaya was really dull and went to bed early every night to get his beauty sleep. Now Valerie is telling Kaya that she wants to stay with him, and we see her dull dates. CurrentValerie tells us she heard that the girl hos knew Kaya was devoted to Valerie, but Kaya tells us he was just nervous to tell Valerie he smooched some girls. Bonfire. Sweaty Kaya says that there were "two connections" with girls. Montage of final tent date with Allison. CurrentAllison tells us that they were alone for twelve hours without cameras, and that things happened but she won't go into detail. She basically insinuates she rode his dick all night long. Okay, people? Just say it, stupid. Allison tells us that Kaya told her he was interested in her, and asked whether he could be in love with two people at once. Sure. If they're both men.
Bonfire again. Kaya says that he's thankful he got to come to TI, but that Valerie is his choice. She cries. They hug. Then Allison floats that she heard they had a big fight after bonfire, and Valerie slapped Kaya. CurrentValerie uses the second person ("you feel angry") to defend her hitting Kaya. CurrentKaya tells us that, back home afterward, they locked themselves in their apartment to rebuild their relationship, and that watching the show when it aired was hard. CurrentValerie says she could believe...and then trails off. CurrentKaya says that their relationship was damaged. CurrentValerie says she knew it was time to move and start something new. Then Mark L. Walberg tools back on screen, that pleading needy look in his eyes, telling us to wonder whether Valerie and Kaya are still together, or if they are even the couple getting married.
Wedding montage. Unseen bride and groom get ready. Mark L. Walberg teases the section, then commercials.
Back. A little box shows people arriving for the wedding and has a countdown to the wedding. Oh Jesus. Like it's the final M*A*S*H episode or something. It's Temptation Island, people. Chill the fuck out.
Footage of boy and girl hos arriving. Interview with CurrentMegan, CurrentDano, and CurrentAllison. They were instructed not to interact with the opposite-sex hos, and they all complain, and there's CurrentElizabeth, and CurrentTom calls it "Frustration Island." It took him five months to think that up, I'm sure. Montage of CurrentCarla and jumping in the pool and mad Shannon. CurrentDano says, "Drop the zero and get with the hero." You know, there was a time I thought Dano was normal and nice and I almost felt sorry for him. That time is now officially over. Elizabeth digs Kaya. Some boy ho I don't remember says that Matt kissed Shannon off-camera; people say that things happened away from the cameras a lot. Montage of running in water and hooking up and partying. More CurrentHo interviews. CurrentMegan calls Temptation Island "the country's 'What if?'" What what?
Mark L. Walberg is back. Shannon and Andy. Five-year relationship. The boy hos loved Shannon the most. Too bad the girls all hated Andy. Mark L. Walberg gets a little personal with us and says, "When final bonfire rolled around, I honestly couldn't tell where they stood." Thanks for the insight. Now go exorcise the demons of your sad childhood and leave us alone. Bonfire footage. Shannon says that this was a roller coaster on so many levels, but that it was about more than just him. Montage. She "got to experience lust." Andy montage. Looking at video at bonfire. CurrentShannon was pissed that she was made to watch the video tapes. She yells at Mark L. Walberg at bonfire. CurrentShannon says she didn't "trust" the show, so she withdrew and hid. Sounding quite intelligent, all things considered, she talks about how strange it was to have the boy hos -- who were supposed to be tempting them -- also being their allies in their relationship woes. Man, sounds like there were a bunch of puss-boys in that boy ho camp, huh?
Bonfire. Andy says that he connected with Megan. CurrentMegan called him "Handsy Andy." New footage of the girl hos talking to Megan and guessing that something's going on. Little CurrentAndy with a little Ethan Hawke goatee talks about something. I don't listen. Bonfire. Shannon talks about Tom and the dream date. "What an incredible guy," she says. She goes on to say that they connected. Montage of the date with Tom as CurrentShannon talks about going for it and having to make sure Andy was the right one. Now CurrentTom talks about 5 AM out on the balcony with Shannon and a great memory and emotional lines were crossed. CurrentShannon tells us that she didn't think they'd put people on the show who could "penetrate" them the way that they did. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Hee. Hee. Heeeeeee. She said "penetrate." Okay. I'll try to be good and mature. ["That's not what I pay you for!" -- Wing Chun] Hee.
CurrentAndy says that the hard part was not taping the show, but the airing of the seven episodes. CurrentShannon, deluded as all hell, says that Andy was "portrayed" in a negative light, and it affected both of them. We get a montage of Andy saying stupid shit like "reef ass" and "recycle" and "eye candy" and "the Pepsi challenge." CurrentShannon justifies that Andy was playing some role he thought the producers wanted. Oh, poor, poor girl. Now CurrentAndy gets all Hollywood Reporter on us and says that he was the guy 18-to-24-year-old guys could relate to on the show. He says he shot from the hip, but that things were out of context, and they never showed him giving Shannon "props" or missing her; CurrentShannon says that after hearing people tell her over and over that she should be with Tom, she got tired of hearing it. Now CurrentShannon says that she was practicing law, but that the opportunities the show offered gave her the push she needed to leave it for a while. Oh no. No. Listen, some people should ignore those opportunities. Don't try to be an actress just because you were on some stupid reality show. Please. Save us all. Oh, we get footage from some Fox show, Surprise Wedding 2, and Shannon is the co-host, looking too manly and uncomfortable all Leeza Gibbonsed out, thinking this gig is going to lead to bigger and better things. Like maybe Surprise Wedding 3? More CurrentAndy and CurrentShannon. Andy is moving to Orange Country to do real estate; he's leaving Malibu and leaving kayaking and he's sad about it.
Mark L. Walberg teases us further, forcing us to wonder excruciatingly whether Andy and Shannon are still together. Commercials.
Fitting. An ad for genital herpes drugs during TI.
Back. Mark L. Walberg repeats himself. Wedding montage. Now Mark L. Walberg talks about Billy and Mandy and drama and intensity. Final bonfire. CurrentMandy, now with dark hair, talks and CurrentBilly, with hair, also talks. He talks about fear. C'mon, once more for old times' sake: "Poor Billy." At bonfire, Billy watches the videotape of Mandy licking nipple. CurrentBilly says he was very hurt. Noooooo. The dude she was with says, "There was definitely licking going on." Huh? I don't understand. Is he getting at something or just...never mind. CurrentMandy knew they'd show that to Billy. CurrentBilly says that when he saw that video, he decided to go and get even. (It's funny, he can't remember the lickee's name, either. I think it's Johnny. But really, not even Johnny cares at this point.) CurrentMandy says she felt sorry for herself after seeing the videotape, and wondered why Billy was doing shit he wouldn't normally do. Mandy cries in that bathroom and says, "I hate him so much." So do we all, honey.
CurrentVampireMandy says she continued to try to get back at Billy. Vanessa. Vanessa on a date with Billy. Butterfly on stomach. Date montage. "He's a true love," says the bone-dumb Vanessa. Jon. Jon is always in Mandy's head. CurrentBilly says that he was hurt and thought about leaving the show and we get that funny shot of Billy yelling at the camera, but then he realized he agreed to do the show and so...I don't know. I'm tired now. Final bonfire again. Sweaty Mandy. She whores that she had an "intimate moment with someone." Now CurrentBilly says, "How nebulous is that? 'Intimate moment.' What the hell does that mean?" Hee. CurrentJon, looking like one of the Hanson kids -- the ugly one -- sweeps his hair back and says she must have been talking about the kiss. Mandy and Jon in the hammock, whispering, all drama-queeny. Now Billy talks about his connection with Vanessa, and lies that it was a strong and emotional connection. CurrentVanessa says how strong their connection was, and that she learned to want that in a guy. Mandy babbles about that heart necklace, and Billy at the bonfire talks about it, saying that Vanessa gave him her heart. CurrentMandy bitches about it. CurrentBilly laughs about it. BonfireBilly says how hard this was, and Mandy whispers that she wants to be together for the rest of their lives, and Billy says he promises to love her forever. They hug. CurrentMandy tells us that she was whispering, in the hug, "Take it off," meaning the necklace. Ha. "Fuck Butterface's heart, I got my stripper girlfriend back!" CurrentBilly says they fucked all night long and that was one of the greatest nights ever.
Mark L. Walberg tools that, back home, Billy and Mandy found new pressures as the show aired and the wedding and who? and they'll be back. Commercials.
Mark L. Walberg introduces audition clips. They ask Billy and Mandy who the boss is. Billy tries to say they share that role, but Mandy shoots him down and he admits she's the boss. Shannon and Andy (oh, right, aren't they the ones who had an open relationship, it was hinted?) say that they're faithful, but when apart or on a break they "maximize" and they both laugh like a couple of skeezy swingers. Valerie and Kaya. Kaya says he thinks he's a nine but not a ten. Valerie thinks she's a seven. Mandy talks about Billy's dimples and how he can be soft and then can be "humping [her] leg" the minute. They both laugh. Huh. Her leg? Billy obviously has bad aim. Now Andy and Shannon. Andy says that she'll be mad if he kisses someone and she doesn't. She says he would be mad if she kissed someone and he didn't, too. Kaya says he's psyched to go and Valerie obviously is not. Shannon says that a kiss is okay but fucking would be bad. Mandy and Billy see themselves together in six months, but not married or engaged. Mark L. Walberg is back. Once again, he talks about marriage and who? and shut up. Wedding montage. Old people arrive.
Now Mark L. Walberg is talking to the pastor who's officiating the ceremony. Man, are they getting desperate for footage. Show more of the girl hos swimming. That's my vote. The pastor says he was shocked that this mystery couple wanted to get married after being on such a slut show like this, but that it forced them to discover "treasure" in each other, and he's proud of them, and he thinks it's a "redemptive statement" on their part to marry on TV. Huh? Someone revoke his pastoring license. Mark L. Walberg gives us a hint that the bride has broken both of her feet at different times. Sounds like Mandy, right? More wedding tease. Mark L. Walberg tools us into commercials and the wedding and then the new season starts and bleh.
Back. Mark L. Walberg babbles about the wedding. Then we're back to Billy and Mandy after the show. CurrentBilly says that the show brought back the newness of their relationship as she says they stayed in because they kept ruining the ending of the show for people when they were seen together. Oh, how thoughtful. Like Rosebud saying, "I'm the sled." Now CurrentBilly says that he moved to Los Angeles in February thinking Mandy would come with him, but she was hired by MTV and went to Florida and then New York and they just talked on the phone and got used to being apart. CurrentMandy says that the show "launched [their] careers," but the relationship had to be sacrificed. Launched what ca-whos? Billy obviously still wants to be together. Mandy doesn't: "It's for the better." Billy says that they keep in touch, and it's because of the show that they do. He wants to kill Mark L. Walberg. I hope he does. Mark L. Walberg babbles needily, then says that either Kaya and Valerie or Andy and Shannon are headed to the altar. Yes, that would make it between those two now. Asshole.
Wedding. Mark L. Walberg is in the audience. He blabs that we're about to find out who's getting married as all the family and friends try not look at the camera, and try not to punch Mark L. Walberg in the nose. Commercials.
Back. Wedding. Mark L. Walberg babbles in the audience. No one shuts up. Good. The Music of We Don't Know Classical Music So We're Going To Pick The Same Piece Everyone Does For Their Wedding plays as Shannon walks down the aisle. Surprise! (I have to admit, I thought it would be Billy and Mandy. I mean, until they told us they broke up. Then I figured out it wasn't them. I'm not stupid.) Shannon looks pretty. Andy looks Andyish. Shannon's boobies are huge. I know, it's not a very wedding-like thing to point out, but there you go. Ah, boy hos and girl hos are in the house. Dano. Feh. He doesn't deserve to be there. There's Billy. Shannon recites her vows. Andy looks all touched. Andy's vows are stupid. Megan smiles. Shannon and Andy light candles. The pastor lets them make out. They do. Gross. Commercials.
Mark L. Walberg, drunk, pushes his way up to the bride and groom and wishes them good luck. They give him a tight smile and then run to see their real guests. Mark L. Walberg is sad. He then turns to us and babbles that they're married and thanks and now the second season! Temptation Island 2.
We close with a promo. A couple talks to the camera about how they watched the first season every week. A little Marc Anthony guy says that whatever happens happens. That's true! Island prettiness. A girl says that they love each other too much to fuck it up. A black dude says that he doesn't think he'll be tempted. Graphics say, "They were wrong!" Mark L. Walberg leads the couples on horseback across the beach (hee!) and then says, "Let me be the first to welcome you to Temptation Island." (Hee again.) Couples. Couples. A girl says that she wants to see whether the grass is greener. Another says if he cheats on her, they're over. "It's do or die," says a girl. Two horses jump and touch on the beach. (More hee.) The Hos! Dates! The hos talk! Dates! Fun! Wine! Hammock! A storm coming! "I trust him with my life," says a girl. Another: "I miss him so much right now!" Kissing. Humping. Sex montage. Titties. Fun. Music. The girls say they got rid of the nice girls and "kept all the prostitutes." (Hee once more.) A girl cries; her man kissed some other girl's breasts. Video. Video. Grinding. Water. Crying. "I don't want to be here anymore." Kissing. Kissing. Kissing. Kissing. Kissing. Graphics: "Ti2." A girl cries all Blair Witch to the camera, "I think it's scary when you realize you don't need someone in your life." End promo.