The streets are wet, but if it's raining, nobody brought an umbrella. Jane runs through the night, panting, sporting a fashionable scratch on her forehead. If that's all she got from the past few punches to the face (assuming it's still the same night), Jane's got an amazing set of white blood cells.
We don't find out why Jane's running or whom she's running from because Tarzan grabs her by the waist and tosses her back against a wall. Jane's all smiles and flirtation as Tarzan has his thumb on her boob. He asks if she's okay, and notes that he runs pretty fast. Jane develops a severe New York accent to tell him, "I move fast. You move ridiculously fast. You should consider a career in pro sports." She tells him she'll explain that later. Jane doubles over with a cramp, and Tarzan massages the back of her neck, his other hand resting on his hip, all casual. Aren't these two on the run for a possible murder? Because they're having the time of their lives. Police sirens are heard, so Tarzan asks if they're close. Jane says they're near the loft they're running to. She points at it. "It was confiscated in a drug bust?" she says like a question. Tarzan asks what a drug bust is. "You get into pro sports and you'll figure it out," Jane answers. She runs, telling him to come along: "It should be empty; it should be safe."
Precinct. Lieu asks, "Where the hell are they?" Sam says, "I said I don't know!" The lieu says he knows Sam was with them in the woods. Sam plays a little hand of backstory to say he was there to stop Gene from killing them in the woods, but then Jane and Tarzan disappeared. "With your help!" the lieu yells. "No, sir. No!" Sam insists. The lieu says that Sam will go down with Tarzan and Jane if he finds out Jane's done...something. Whatever. Sam gets this gem of a line: "I'm telling you John Clayton is innocent. He didn't kill Michael Foster!" For those of you just tuning in, that sentence is repeated in every one of the past five episodes. Also: I love how they now have to refer to their "best friend" by first and last name to remember which murder case that monkey-boy might be involved with.
Jane and Tarzan run and run and run down a deserted alley. Tarzan says they can't stop anywhere. Jane insists that they can't stay on the street. They have this dialogue with each sentence starting with their first names, as they're prone to do on this show. The cops spot Jane and shine a gigantic flashlight on her. "Hey! It's Porter!" they call from inside their cars. And here's where we see the competence of this police force in action. The cops in the car immediately put on their sirens. Jane and Tarzan bump into each other twice and then run off. The cops then drive away and turn around, instead of getting out of the car and moving three steps to where Tarzan and Jane were bumbling. So, of course, the chase is on. Unbelievable. Literally.
Sam is still defending Tarzan's case to the lieutenant, coming up with paperwork on all kinds of witnesses we've never heard about, who say they saw Ingram kidnapped by Greystoke. Love this: "And here. An ex-janitor who saw Michael Foster in the lobby of Greystoke the night before he died." Uh-huh. I guess he got fired for talking to Sam? But Sam's not done with the clunky exposition: "I'm telling you, sir. Richard Clayton is behind all of this. He got to Michael somehow, and now he's using Donald Ingram to frame his nephew." Lieu: "Yeah, and maybe he killed Kennedy, too." Have we seen a show with worse dialogue? Because I don't think it's possible. It hurts to type out here for the recap. It makes me wince to type it. That's not a good sign. Sam asks the lieu if he'd rather trust Jane or "some whacked-out witness." The lieu says it's much too little, much too late. I'll say. The lieu already has a warrant for Jane's arrest. It was issued "this afternoon," whenever that is. The lieu warns Sam that if he helps Jane, he'll be . Sam stares and stares and stares.
Jane and Tarzan run and run and run. They run past a sign that boldly declares "555-0199." They run past unsuspecting, unhelping Canadians. We hear the screech of tires, and then Jane runs into the street, holding an arm out and shouting, "Hold on! Hold on!" to a cab, I guess. And now we see one cop is running after them. One. From wherever. Just running by himself. Then we see three more are running from farther away. That's some good work there, fellas.
Another dark, wet alley. Running. Running. Running. Tarzan begins climbing that one rooftop we've seen over and over again in this show. But for some reason, Jane can't make it this time. No real explanation -- she just can't make it up, and doesn't want Tarzan to lift her by the arm like he always does. She wants him to leave her, and she is going to turn herself in while he runs away. Huh? "I won't let them take you!" Tarzan screams. Again, Jane says, "They'll kill you. You know that. Go! Get out of here. For me. Go! Please! Go!" The sirens get louder (I guess nobody's running behind them anymore), and Tarzan slowly backs away as the cops surround Jane. She goes to her knees, hands behind her head, and gets arrested while Tarzan watches from nearby. Guess the boys in blue don't know how to look up. "Where'd he go?" one screams off-screen. Stupid. Tarzan needs a clippie. He keeps holding his hair back with his hands.
Greystoke. Mitch Pileggi is going over his contract with The WB, making sure he has script approval for the show he's contractually bound to take part in. There's a breeze, so we know Tarzan's just committed another felony. Pileggi says, "John? You really have an issue with the front door, don't you." Tarzan walks up to Pileggi's desk and leans in. "I know what you want," he says. "You want me to stay here." Uh, yeah. He's only said it every single episode. Tarzan tells Pileggi that if he helps Jane and stops "awl" of this, Tarzan will stay. I do believe that monkey is hitting on his uncle. And Pileggi does a double take to the music. He's open-mouthed, amazed, so incredulous that he'll finally get his half-naked nephew all to himself. He's so happy about it that we have to dissolve into the worst opening credits of all time.
It's the last time I have to hear this song. I'm dancing to it. All around my living room. Feel free to join in. Ha. UselessNicki's still in the opening credits, even though she wasn't in 75% of the episodes.
Greystoke. Tarzan has changed clothes, and someone gave him a ponytail holder, and he's back to crouching and rocking, like he was doing in the pilot. Why is he not back in his old fancy cage? Why a new room entirely? Pileggi brings Tarzan a tray of food and says, "Morning, John." Aw, man. Someone put Mitch Pileggi in powder blue. That shit ain't right. Then they give him this mouthful of a line: "John, I want to thank you for cooperating this morning -- I know it was hard for you, but you got through it and I'm proud of you." Tarzan rocks. "John, the legal process is just beginning. The judge freed you on bail, but you have to go back and tell your story. If it goes to trial, it could take weeks." Huh? When did that happen? He was arrested? He saw a judge? What were the charges? "Trial?" Tarzan asks, just as confused as I am at the passing of time in the blink of an eye. "Yes, John. A murder trial." Tarzan gets snippy. "I didn't kill anyone," he sasses. Pileggi: "Yeah, I know that's what you believe." I guess the thinking was if they talked really quickly we would forget that what has apparently just happened is impossible. In the middle of the night Tarzan turned himself in, saw a judge, and was freed on bail? What did Jane think about it all? Is she off the hook now? Is Sam? Is Pileggi in trouble now for kidnapping Ingram? What? Huh? This show blows. And why didn't this episode happen three episodes ago? Tarzan asks where Jane is. "I imagine she's still in jail," Pileggi says. Tarzan sniffs and yells, "You said you'd help her!" Pileggi whispers that he's getting Jane the best legal help he can, but that Jane still has a lot to account for: "There was an eyewitness." Tarzan leaps into the air and is suddenly dangling from a rafter or something. "You made that man lie!" Tarzan sing-songs like Bill Murray about to get a candy bar. Pileggi yells for Tarzan to get down, as this is the exact kind of behavior that got him into trouble in the first place. Pileggi sounds like a mom. Tarzan asks Pileggi why he's doing this. "I don't know what you're talking about," Pileggi whispers again. Tarzan throws Pileggi to the ground and gets on top of him. He makes a fist and slowly says, "I didn't kill anyone." He lifts his fist, practically in slow-motion, giving the MWFs (long time no see, fellas!) enough time to run into the room and tackle Tarzan before he can throw a single punch. Tarzan screams and bucks, calling Pileggi a liar. His shirt rips open a little. Pileggi stands up and watches the MWFs jam a tranq into Tarzan's neck. There's some guy in a suit there suddenly, holding the syringe. Who's that guy? As Tarzan passes out, one man gently cradles Tarzan's chin in his hand. They lower Tarzan to the bed. Tarzan -- who's supposed to just have been given a sedative -- has every single muscle tense, every vein bulging. I guess he was given enough adrenaline that his tongue swelled, because otherwise this makes no sense.
I don't know, you guys. In order to survive the rest of this recap, I may have to write it like I'm completely stupid. Otherwise I'm liable to get upset. And it's a holiday week and my family is currently on its way to my house for the holiday weekend, and if I spend too much time getting angry at this show that doesn't even exist anymore, it's not doing anyone any good. And I won't make my persimmon pudding because I won't have enough time. So instead of spending five minutes discussing why this line is so stupid, I'll just write it down and move on. Know that if this show hadn't been cancelled by now, I don't think I would have survived the conniption fit this scene would have thrown me into. Here goes. Pileggi stands at a window; two nameless dark-haired women in sweaters flank either side of him. They stare at what we assume is Tarzan. Pileggi says, "He's made tremendous progress since we brought him back from the jungle. His impulse control. His ranges." Then the French woman -- whom we have never met before, nor will we ever get to know -- says, "I need to spend more time with him." Have all the time you need, Frenchy. As we watch Tarzan get restrained to his bed in the background (so Pileggi must have used his space-time warp generator again to be in this place at the same time as the last scene), Frenchy tells Pileggi that if he uses an insanity defense for Tarzan's murder rap, then he might get placed under Pileggi's permanent care if he's found mentally deficient. She asks Pileggi if he is willing to deal with having Tarzan in his life forever. She calls it a burden. "Whatever my nephew needs," Pileggi says.
Sam busts Jane out of jail, teasing her for getting put into the slammer: "I just never thought I'd see the day. Jane Porter in jail. Mm-mm-mmm." He asks if she knows what her first problem was. "Not listening to you?" asks Jane. "Dayum!" Sam shouts. "Rehabilitation does work!" It's so dark in this jail. Jane smiles and asks Sam if he's enjoying himself. Sam says he is, under the circumstances. Do you think Jane misses her dead fiancé? Sam opens the jail door and says that Jane's free to go. Jane blinks a lot and says she doesn't understand. Sam says, "Kath-a-leen Clayton just paid your bail."
Casa Kath-a-leen. Jane has space-time-ripped over there, and is thanking Xena for springing her from the pokey. Well, at first she just thanks Xena, but Xena doesn't remember doing anything needing thanking, and so Jane says, "Posting my bail?" even though it's been four seconds since we heard that she posted the bail and man this show has been a serious waste of all of our time. Xena has a new haircut, and they're using so much product that it looks like her hair is greasy. And someone has given Jane a new dye job, but I think it happened halfway through shooting, because half of the episode she's a redhead, and the other half she's got brown hair with a more relaxed curl. Xena says that the DA called to tell her that Tarzan's now at Pileggi's, and that Mitch is going to try to have Tarzan declared legally insane. I love how we have to learn everything three times. "What?" Jane asks. God, don't repeat it! "Wait, why would he do that?" I don't know. He's normally so good to Tarzan. Xena explains that Pileggi's planning on getting control of Tarzan and his shares of Greystoke, while Xena is fighting the aiding and abetting charges. Yeah, we've been told all of this before. Xena whispers that she has friends "on the bench," and that she'll get an injunction to stop custody proceedings. Jane: "John's innocent. Right? He doesn't have to plead insanity." And then Xena says, inexplicably, "This isn't about the truth. This is about what we can prove." Jane says they'll prove it by using Donald Ingram. She picks up her cell phone and dials: "Hey. Sam, is your shift over yet?" Sam says he's off right now. Jane asks for a ride and a favor. That's two favors.
"Why did you make me do this?" Pileggi asks the strapped-down Tarzan. We hear a machine beeping Tarzan's heart rate from somewhere, but we don't see the machine, and there appears to be nothing hooked up to Tarzan. He demands to be let go. Pileggi asks what good that would do: "You'd just be back on the streets, putting yourself in danger. And for what?" Whatever they've given Tarzan, maybe a steroid, has made his face all puffy and sweaty. "Jane," he says. Pileggi: "You've got to start thinking of yourself, John. The sooner we can get through this trial, the sooner we can get back to work. I have so much to teach you." Ba-chicka-bom-bah-nuh-nah-nah! "You won't," Tarzan says, and then closes his eyes and goes to sleep. "John?" Pileggi asks. "Is he okay?" he screams to a closed door. The French woman enters and says, "We gave him a sedative." She says that Tarzan just needs to rest. "I hope you're right," Pileggi says. We watch puffy Tarzan sleep.
In Sam's car, Sam calls Jane a crazy woman, and says there's no way Donald Ingram will tell the truth. How many proper nouns do you think are uttered in one Tarzan script? Sam says that Ingram's at City Hall, and that nobody will let Jane near him. Jane: "Sam, about that favor."
City Hall. Ingram asks a man in a suit how long he has to stay in that horrible hotel. "Just until the hearing," the man replies. Ingram enters doorways sideways. "That's two days from now." He says he's going to catch Legionnaire's from the air filters at that hotel. Ingram takes a breath and enters the elevator, where Sam is waiting. Sam drops a cell phone into Ingram's pocket. Somehow the schitz-y, sensitive, ever-watchful Ingram doesn't notice his pocket plunk.
Jane calls Ingram on his cell phone.
Ingram exits the elevator and lets out his breath. His pocket rings. His armed guards are all, "You're ringing." And then they let this man take a call, even though it's clearly bothering him that he somehow had a phone in his pocket, and he doesn't appear to want to talk on the phone to...my mommy will be here soon and I must not argue with this episode's logic. Moving on: "Donald? It's Jane Porter." Ingram says that this isn't a good time right now. "Donald, you don't need to say a word. I just need you to listen to me," Jane says. She tells him that she knows he wishes he wasn't involved in all of this, and probably wants a way out. She says she'll try to get his testimony thrown out of the court. She asks if he wears glasses or takes any medication. He says he doesn't. "I'm under a lot of stress," he says. He gives Jane his doctor's name and hangs up. And the music swells as if somehow that was enough tension to take us to commercial.
Dr. Benjamin Toll's office. Dr. Toll says he can't talk about Donald. Jane says he can if it deals with Donald's ability to be a witness. She asks if he ever prescribed anything that would impair Donald's judgment. The doctor says he didn't, but the Felicity-looking nurse in the back looks up sharply and stares at Jane and Sam. Jane tells the good doctor that'll do. Sam gets a cell-phone call and wanders off so that Jane can proceed to grill the nurse. The nurse admits that she thought Donald was "sweet." Jane gives the nurse her phone number. Sam tells Jane that he had someone on the lookout in case something strange went on at Greystoke. Then he just stares at Jane, prompting her to ask, "Sam?"
Greystoke. Tarzan's heart has stopped. He's bagged, and someone's doing compressions. No! Get your hands off the naked chest. I can't see! Pileggi is apparently the last to know, if Sam and Jane have already gotten the memo, as he barges into the room and asks, "What's going on?" Frenchy (I think she might be British, actually, but the nickname's sticking around for her last line) says she's already called 911, and that an ambulance is on the way. "He was doing fine," she says. "Really." Thanks. You're still fired. Pileggi asks again, "What's wrong with him?" "His heart just stopped."
Tarzan is being wheeled out to the ambulance when Jane and Sam show up. "John!" Jane screams. But you know, he's kind of dead, so he can't answer back. Jane asks Pileggi what happened, but he knows less than we do. Jane begs the paramedic to talk to her. "He's not breathing!" one guy yells at her, already sick of Jane's voice. "We can't get a pulse." Jane asks Pileggi why Tarzan has stopped breathing: "What did you do to him?" Pileggi reels back like he's been slapped. Jane decides she's riding with Tarzan and nobody else can. Sam tells Pileggi to relax and answer some questions. Heh. Pileggi's the only one who's family. Why doesn't he get to ride with Tarzan? Wait. Can't ask questions that involve logic. Sam tells Nash (the head MWF who is usually not around, but sometimes is but not for, like, the past five episodes) not to go very far.
Ambulance. Flatline. Tarzan's brain has been not operating for a while, and he hasn't been breathing or his heart beating long enough that he should have suffered permanent brain damage. But Jane, see, she's going to do something that makes any of us have the power to wake up, if only to leave the room and never come back. Jane says, "Come on, John. You've made it through everything else, you'll make it through this. Don't you leave me." She's just shy of "You've never given up on anything in your life! Now fight!" which would have made me walk away from this recap forever, forfeiting my paycheck, whatever it would take not to have to finish. The paramedic offers a guilty, half-assed "Sorry" to Jane, as if he knows he killed Tarzan somehow. Jane caresses Tarzan's hand and says, "John, you can't be gone. There's so much I didn't say. Or do! I...I'm sorry, John. I'm so sorry." And as she dissolves into tears and kisses his thumb, all I can do is shout, "CALL ME TARZAN!" But Tarzan just wakes up, and that's that, because he was just playing dead because Tarzan is full of superpowers. If he had just pulled this one at the pilot, we might not have had to sit through seven episodes of bullshit and maybe Michael Foster could be alive. Hee. The pulse monitor, once Tarzan wakes up, changes from "Checking for Pulse" to "Check printer." Heh. "Oh, my God," Jane says. "You're back." She caresses Tarzan's face as he says, "I never left." Jane tells them to stop the ambulance immediately.
This would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever happen. Tarzan growls at the paramedic, who says that Tarzan should probably get checked for brain damage. "I think he's okay," Jane laughs. I think growling fails the brain-damage test, don't you? The ambulance stops, and Jane and Tarzan run from the back, running far away. Send that check to Pileggi, I guess. Thanks for the chest shot, but it's too late. It does nothing for me, anymore. It's like finally getting to make out with that hot guy from your Biology class, only to find out he's dumb and doesn't know how to tell a joke. It's so not sexy when it's just nice skin stretched across a solid muscle. Not if I'm going to have to put my face so close to it. Mmm. I wonder where my boyfriend is. I so wish I didn't have another forty minutes of this show to recap. Naked Tarzan shouldn't make me fantasize about someone else, but that's exactly what it's doing at this point, because he holds no interest for me anymore.
Jane holds her hand out to protect herself from a taxi that has already passed by. She runs, and Tarzan runs behind her, crossing his arms over his chest to cover his delicate nipples.
Pileggi wants to know why the ambulance stopped, and where his nephew is. "I don't know," says the fired paramedic. "He got out on his own." Pileggi throws the paramedic into his ambulance. Count the crimes and misdemeanors in this episode. It should make for one hell of a court hearing. Ready: assault and battery.
A taxi beeps behind Tarzan and Jane (who has buttoned her jacket at some point while running). Jaywalking.
A jilted, terrified Pileggi wanders off, open-mouthed. "Find them," he says to Nash. They get into their SUV.
Jane and Tarzan run down their one empty alley. Jane decides they're fine now, and completely safe, so they start walking. Jane realizes that Tarzan must be cold, and as luck would have it two men are rolling a wardrobe full of coats down the deserted alley. "Hey, you know what? I need one of those." Jane gives one of the guys twenty bucks and takes a coat for Tarzan. The guys with the coats are like, "Twenty bucks? Fuck that bullshit." Jane shouts, "Calm down! I paid you!" and then walks away. Theft. Jane asks Tarzan how he hibernated like that. "You can't do it?" he asks. Jane says that most people can't play dead. She asks where he got his bruises. Tarzan says he got them from trying to get out. Jane lies that Donald Ingram now wants to help, so if they can get rid of his testimony, they'll have no case. "It doesn't matter!" Tarzan screams. Finally, a voice of reason. "It won't end." Tarzan and I are both near tears. The truth is so painful. Jane says that Tarzan will have to go back into custody for the pre-trial hearing. Both Tarzan and I interrupt, bellowing, "JANE!" And instead of "STOP THIS CRAZY THING!" Tarzan says, "Your rules will never end this." Blink, blink, blink. Go climb a roof, Tarzan. He does. "John, wait! Wait! John! John! Where are you going? I...?" And again they think that's good enough for commercial.
Who are you women buying Kotex for your thongs? You dirty, skanky women. You nasty, bleeding whores. Which one of you demanded they make little adhesive triangles so we are expected to wear a thong even when we're menstruating? Who can't live with a pair of regular panties for a single day, even three days, when you are sloughing your uterine wall? Which one of you disgusting, tacky bitches decided we needed not only underwear that only comes up to the edge of our pubic hair, but pads that would fit a Barbie doll? Shame on you. Shame on you! You have set women thirty years backwards. Why not strap on a sanitary belt and let a man give you an allowance? Why not just be a hooker and get rid of the middle man, the ruse that you're trying to be independent? You can't wear a tampon with your stripper pants, Whorey? Too scared of your own vagina to put your finger near it? Don't make me have to be embarrassed for my sex. Don't make me have to make excuses for your ridiculous whims. Put on some pants and deal with your period like a grown-up, you whiny, slutty princess.
Dammit! I'm running out of time! Okay, so time has passed and now Jane's hanging at Xena's. "No sign of him anywhere?" Xena asks, incredulous. Jane says she's looked everywhere she can think of, but no. Did you check the roof? "Hearing's tomorrow," Jane says. "I..." Xena says that Tarzan will come back. Sam enters, happy as a clam, and teases Jane for springing Tarzan the second she's out on bail. Jane smiles like a girl getting caught with a crush, and promises it'll be her last crime. Liar. Sam says that he's been checking the wire for anything Tarzan-like in the crime blotter since he's been missing "over the past day." Two stray dog attacks. "So he's been eating at least." Sam points out what got his attention. It's near the Greystoke building. Sam: "It's what you've been thinking, right? He's going after his uncle." Jane agrees. Sam says that if Tarzan kills Pileggi, the Mike case will be small potatoes. "It'll be déjà-vu all over again." Can I please not recap any more of this dialogue? "Only ten times worse. 'Cause this time he'd be guilty." Ugh! Jane tells Xena to go warn her brother in the immortal words of George Michael: "Don't look now, there's a monkey on your back! Watch out!" Jane leaves to go find Tarzan. I do believe her body mic is just hanging out of her pants. Nobody cares on this show anymore. Xena turns back to Sam once they're alone. "Wanna make out?"
Night. Jane drives around in her car. Driving. Driving. Driving. The music plays loudly. Driving. Checking side mirror. Merging. Driving. Looking up. Driving. Driving. Looking around. Looking. Driving. Streets look pretty empty. Looking up. The song comes to a close, and we hear an imposing commercial for a Nicoderm CQ-type of drug that helps with the withdrawl symptoms of quitting smoking. And just when you imagine the voice on the radio is going to say, "Give it up, Jane. The show has been cancelled and we've just watched five minutes of you driving around because nobody gives a shit about this show anymore," Jane makes a phone call to Sam. She's figured out that Ingram must have just gone off of some anxiety medications, and maybe that will make him erratic and unable to be a reliable witness. Don't they already have a witness to testify that Ingram had been kidnapped by Pileggi? Moving on. If they can give an entire scene of Jane driving around looking, I don't have to put thought or logic into the recap, either.
Burgerzine marigolds and bucket twists. Saturday seventeen ** ). I thought lemonade would help with my pillow, but it turns out Jane Jane Tarzan Tarzan blink blink stupid.
Greystoke. Xena barges in. Pileggi's drinking, half in a tux, and asks Xena if they can do this some other time, because he's got a fund-raiser for some senator coming up. "You shouldn't go," Xena says. "You've been looking for John. Well, he's here." Pileggi: "Here?" Xena: "Close, anyway. He is out there waiting. For you." Pileggi: "What is this, some kind of a threat?" Xena: "No, it's a warning." THIS IS THE WORST SHOW EVER. Pileggi asks why Xena would warn him. Xena says she has mixed feelings about that herself: "You see, I would love to watch him wring your scrawny little neck, but I don't want to see John in that much trouble." ["In what universe is Mitch Pileggi's neck scrawny?" -- Wing Chun] Pileggi asks what he's supposed to tell the Senator. He says if it's the truth, it only helps him that John's a wild, violent fugitive. Xena: "Well, did you not hear me? You're in danger. This whole thing has gotten out of hand. You've become obsessed." Pileggi and I laugh: "Am [sic] I?" Xena continues. "You're obsessed with controlling Greystoke, with controlling John -- molding him in your own image!" Really? "He's not the crazy one here, Richard. Don't you see? He is not going to stop fighting you." Xena says Pileggi can't keep treating Tarzan this way. Pileggi flips his head back, touches his thumb to his fingers, and divas, "How am I treating him? I'm impressed with him! I mean, the cunning that it takes to escape like that...." Mitch Pileggi and Lucy Lawless each grab a piece of the scenery and chew it like beavers until there's nothing left but a pile of shavings.
Sam scares the pretty Felicity nurse by coming up behind her as she's locking up the office. He doesn't have time to act, because he's got a million words to say in less than fifteen seconds: "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Listen, I was here before, I'm a friend of Donald Ingram's. You remember?" He apologizes again and says he likes Donald as much as she does, and that Donald's in some serious trouble and needs her help.
Pileggi wraps up our Minute With Mitch Pileggi™ by telling Xena he's not scared of Tarzan, but will take the necessary precautions. He says it's not a game with Tarzan. "It's a fight. It's almost...." Primal? "Primal." Jesus Christ, this show sucks. Xena: "Animal metaphors. Cute. Just remember one thing." Pileggi: "What's that?" Xena: "I can be a real bitch." We then get thirty seconds of Mitch Pileggi staring at air, grimacing and making faces. This show is one editor away from being the greatest comedy of all time.
So this is the place where I ran out of time and I had to put this recap away until just now. I'm still in a bit of a haze, because this is the first moment alone I've had since we were both last together as well. Anyway, it was sometime Friday morning, just after I'd had my shower, that I walked into my living room to discover my mom and sister watching Jane enjoy a five-minute car drive. "What are you doing?" I asked, using that same tone my mom would use when I was younger and caught watching Cinemax at 3 in the morning. "I didn't know there was a Tarzan," she said to me. "There isn't," I correctly informed her. I had to leave the room, because they were serious about watching it. Once I heard the sound of TiVo ending an episode, I sprinted back into the room, eager to hear all of their insults, secure in my family's power to dislike something so deeply it's as if the inanimate object in question had somehow once left one of our cousins at the altar. I found them both beaming. "This is really good!" my mom gushed. "What time does it come on?" "In the past," I answered, before looking at my sister, my savoir, hater of all things. She merely shrugged. "Not so bad," she muttered. So I write this recap now having disowned my family. Happy Thanksgiving.
Tarzan's roof, where he always is. He stares down at Greystoke.
Jane's cell phone rings. "Hey. Where you at?"
Sam's in his car, trying to get sixteen episodes' worth of plot into this one sentence: "You were right! Donald Ingram stopped taking his anti-anxiety meds a few days before the accident. And he had a reaction." He showed up at his doctor's office complaining of blind spots, headaches, and hallucinations. Now can they arrest the doctor for withholding evidence? Jane laughs. "What?" Sam cackles. Jane thanks him, saying that's perfect. Jane interrupts her own gushing when she notices something outside her car window. Sam asks Jane to finish her sentence. But Jane's hard at work again, and tells Sam that Pileggi's outside her car, so she has to go.
Shot of Tarzan angrily watching Pileggi enter his stretch limo. He's wearing a serious pouty face, the one models wear when they stare at you from the magazine, showing how mad they are at how awesome their jeans fit. He stands up, his hand in a fist. He walks away.
Jane tries to start her car, but -- dammit! Her car seems broken! Jane gets out of her car to see that her tire has been...speared? She looks up and says, "John!" Didn't we see Tarzan staring down at Greystoke the entire time Jane's been parked in front of that building? When did Tarzan have the time to...spear Jane's car? Jane's nose is also red and leaky in this shot. No more cold Toronto night shoots, Jane! Hooray!
Jane walks out to the curb and dials her cell phone. "Hey!" she says.
Still driving around, Sam asks, "So any sign of monkey-boy?" Jane: "Yeah, sort of. He, uh, he slashed my tires." Sam: "Slashed your what?" Jane: "TAXI!" How many cars do these two go through an episode? Jane gets into the cab informing Sam that Tarzan's on his way to kill Pileggi and doesn't want her to stop him.
Once in the taxi, Jane gives Sam the numbers to Pileggi's limo plates. She tells him to have Sam report the limo stolen so that they can track the car's recovery system and get a location. Is that a crime, too? Sam says he'll do it, and they hang up. I now see why people always tell me to stay away from telephone scenes in scripts. We've spent almost a quarter of this show on the phone.
A park. A limo. Menacing music. Pileggi in a tux. Sound somewhere. "What the hell was that?" Pileggi asks. His henchman Nash rolls down the divider and we see THERE'S NOBODY DRIVING THE LIMO! It's just a huge hole in the driver-side windshield and the sound of screeching tires. (Who's stopping the limo, then?)
Exterior shot of the limo turning and then braking to the curb. Brake lights. Seriously. The limo rolls up on the curb and the tires screech again.
Shot of Pileggi rolling around in the back seat as the limo screeches to a halt.
Shot of the limo's flat tire. Oh. Sorry, Ghost Driver. Your career was so short.
Pileggi whispers, "What is going on?"
This flat tire has caused the limo's radiator to start smoking, as it often happens in these situations. Nash gets out of the limo and walks around to the other side of the car. Pileggi gets out as well, and the two men look around for a few seconds. "We're being hunted," Pileggi concludes. Nash tells Pileggi to get in the car and lock the door. "I can take care of myself," Pileggi says, looking pretty damn excited about an upcoming monkey tangle. Nash says he's paid to protect Pileggi, so he might as well do his job. Pileggi gets into the limo and shuts the door. He holds his head for a second and then...well then he bites his finger in sexual anxiety. He does. He bites his finger. My mom loved this show. But then again, the last time my mom and my sister had a show they watched together ever week, it was Blue Thunder.
So Nash is on some ledge, looking down for signs of Tarzan. This is when Tarzan comes up behind Nash, crawling over a fence. Close-up on Tarzan breathing.
Now we get exactly the same shot, only closer, of Pileggi touching his face and then biting his finger. He hears Nash scream, and looks toward the closed limo door as the music swells. Pileggi looks out each of the limo's nine windows, and then decides that the best thing to do would be to get out of the limo. So he does.
Pileggi closes the door of the smoking limo and looks around. "Nash!" he shouts. We zoom in tight on Pileggi's face before he walks off-screen.
Pileggi walks to the same ledge that met Nash's doom. He stares for a second. Then there's Tarzan, leaping over the railing and grabbing Pileggi by the lapels. Tarzan tosses Pileggi over the railing (somehow Tarzan's now standing on the railing ledge). Pileggi rolls and rolls down a dirt mountain.
Oh, Nash is okay. He's okay! Just got a little dirt on the edge of his nose. And he's out of breath. But he's fine. We watch him pant for a little while until he turns and walks off-screen. It's then we see he's got a cut on his cheek. He's got a cut! He's not okay!
Sam already heard back from the limo security blah-blah. The limo's on "Marshall Drive. In the nineties." And then Sam adds: "And Jane. The car's stopped. Hasn't moved in a couple of minutes." That's some up-to-the-minute tracking information. Jane hangs up, thanking Sam. Where's Sam going?
Pileggi stands at some railroad tracks, holding his arm. He's screaming for Tarzan. "I understand how confusing and frightening all this must be for you!" Pileggi sings. With vibrato. "I don't want to hurt you!" he warbles into the night, lumbering and staggering across the tracks. "I just couldn't let you run around the streets...like a madman! Risking your life! This...This is...." and then Pileggi falls to the ground. Did he trip? I don't know. Being evil makes you exhausted sometimes. It can really just get to you. "This! This...this isn't....This isn't a....waste...that you NEED IT! You need...an education! You need this..."
We hear a growl and then see a shadow leap across a graffiti-covered wall we haven't seen since Booker and Hanson took down a group of homeless kids selling meth near the twenty-one block of Jump Street. Pileggi earns whatever the opposite of an Emmy is here when he screams into the night sky, "Everything I did was for you. FOR YOU!! And your father." More growling. "I just wanted to do...what he would have wanted. Aw...He wanted you to be a CLAYTON!" This is too much for Tarzan, who tosses a burning metal barrel over the...ledge that is now hundreds of feet above Pileggi. Is that the same ledge he just tumbled over? So confusing. Anyway, fire is headed for Pileggi's head. And unlike Romano, Pileggi knows to move out of the way when something burning is falling from the sky. Besides, this gives Pileggi the ability to roll around in the dirt, whimpering Tarzan's name, with fire crackling nearby. "WE'RE FAMILY!" Pileggi roars. Then he's hit with a body. Pileggi looks back and sees he was hit with a bleeding Nash body. I guess Tarzan did kill somebody, after all. It was really only a matter of time, wasn't it? Pileggi pats down his henchman's bleeding, almost-lifeless body...and steals his gun. Pileggi stumbles around looking like Superman searching for evil Superman. He points his gun this way and that, blinking and stammering, mouth popping like a fish. Finally, Tarzan monkey-jumps off a car hood, lands in front of Pileggi, and punches him in the face.
Jane coolly strolls out of her taxi cab. She takes five minutes to look at the hole in the passenger side of the limo (hey, did Tarzan kill that guy, too? I'm guessing), the flat tire, the smoking radiator and the missing people from the limo and thinks...hey, there might be some trouble afoot. She thinks just a bit longer and then sprints off.
Pileggi rolls over. Tarzan grabs a tire iron from...something. Tarzan picks Pileggi up and flips him against...something. He's close enough to kiss as he makes the angry face. "Don't do it, John," Pileggi whispers. "You're gonna die," Tarzan whispers back. Always too late, Jane runs up here and shouts for Tarzan to leave Pileggi alone. Tarzan screams for Jane to stay back. "John! That's not going to solve ANYTHING!" Jane shouts, arms out in Denzel's Training Day pose. Tarzan screams for her to stay back. "We tried your way," he says. "Now we try mine." As Tarzan goes to slam Pileggi in the head with a pipe, Jane shoots her gun at Tarzan. He turns around, angry that she shot at him. I'm angry that she missed. Jane calls Tarzan "John" again, and says he's not a murderer: "I know that. I know that in my heart!" Tarzan makes the "frustrated" face as Jane continues, "After everything we've been through, what? You're just gonna prove me wrong?" Actually, he already did, Jane. Already killed two, it seems. "It was for nothing? You do this, and you're never going to see me again." Do it, Tarzan! Actually, you'll never see her again regardless. "Never!" Tarzan has a temper tantrum and hits the car behind Pileggi multiple times with the pipe, and then kicks a few things as Jane promises that this will all be fixed "the right way." Tarzan's hair is in his face, acting up a storm as Tarzan sneers, "Your rules don't work." Same script, different episode. Jane blinks in an unparalleled display of eyelid musculature, and spits out what might be this show's most ridiculous string of syllables: "I'm not asking you to trust my rules; I'm not asking you to trust my laws; I'm asking you to trust ME!" Her eyeballs just about pop out here. Tarzan rocks back and forth. Jane stares. Tarzan walks up to Jane...and then walks away. Pileggi sinks to the ground. He passes out. Jane walks away. Nobody wants to arrest Pileggi for...no? Did anybody find out where Sam...no? Okay.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa! A trial montage! Check it! Crappy acoustic guitar plays while I have to write down all of this bullshit. Ready? Here we go: a very hesitant Tarzan is led into the courtroom. He's not in handcuffs, so maybe he was never arrested. And nobody's really touching him. If he's supposed to prove that he's not an animal, it might have been better if he hadn't hobbled in like a bear wearing high heels. When a police officer tries to put his hand on Tarzan's back, Tarzan reels away, sneering. All helping his case, I'm sure. "I've been a traveler of faraway lands," sings the song. Everyone in the courtroom turns around to stare at Tarzan as the song sings, "I've got love on my mind." The un-arrested Pileggi pouts in the back of the courtroom. "But death on these hands." See, even the song knows Tarzan killed. Jane reaches out and touches Tarzan as he approaches. "Come homeward, Angel. Show me the way." Tarzan pulls away from Jane as she silently nods that he can do this. Tarzan yanks away from the cops. "Or will fate leave me dead in the tracks where I lay?" Tarzan takes his seat at the front of the defense. "Show me the river that leads to my home!" Jane nods to Tarzan again as he sits down, and somehow Pileggi is now sitting behind Jane.
Everyone in the courtroom stands. "Back to the one that I love." Hi, Xena. "Show me the wind that constantly blows." Jane nods for Tarzan to stand up, too, since the judge is entering. Why can't Tarzan's lawyer tell him what to do? Hi, Sam. "And I will fly away." I'm recapping the lyrics because I want you to be in as much pain as I'm in. "Fly away. Fly away home." Can't someone give Tarzan a suit or a ponytail holder? Jane nods to Tarzan again so he sits down. Finally, Jane's got the upper hand in some relationship. Maybe they'll give her the leash.
Tarzan pulls at his heels, and we see he's wearing loafers without socks. Carson didn't put together this outfit, that's for sure. And yes, let's all take this shot of the shoes as a shout-out to us, shall we? I do.
"Since we were parted, I know I have changed..." Donald Ingram takes the stand. "You see the blood..." The song gets interrupted by the courtroom proceedings. We watch Ingram commit perjury. The judge listens.
Then Ingram's nurse (not the doctor, who should be arrested too, right?), reports that Ingram had called in with hallucinations and blackouts. Shot of Pileggi going, "Oh." Heh. Might as well have him go, "I'm so screwed!" The nurse concludes, "And other symptoms." She says that's what happens "when you stop taking your meds." This is all so official!
The judge declares, in his best James Earl Jones impression, that Ingram's testimony is inadmissible. He says that this isn't enough evidence to proceed to trial. "I'm left with no choice," the judge says, as if he knows as well as the shoe-gazing Pileggi that Tarzan has killed many and will kill again. "Donald Ingram is excused. Charges against John Clayton are dismissed." He bangs his gavel and five people cheer as the music swells. Xena kisses Tarzan and says, "Well done, John." Xena and Pileggi share a look, long enough that we almost wish they'd get their spinoff where they argue over things we never see, like what Greystoke Industries does or how exactly Xena runs a newspaper. Pileggi leaves, and Xena follows him, presumably to consummate Tarzan's innocence in Pileggi's limo, all over Nash's bloodstains. Jane turns to Tarzan and smiles as the song keeps singing about flying away. "Jane," Tarzan says. "Thank you." Jane blinks. "You're welcome." And then: "Tarzan." And that's all for us, as Tarzan leaps the little gate they have in courtrooms and follows Jane. Somehow Tarzan's shirt changed from blue to mint green. Maybe it's like that stupid fabric we had in the early nineties that changed color in the sunlight -- only Tarzan's does it when he's proven innocent. "These hurt," Tarzan says, referring to his shoes. "Yeah, you know, so do these," Jane says. They take off their shows. Tarzan pulls his shirt out of his waistband, and we see three inches of the last of Tarzan's belly. Don't worry, now that this show is cancelled, I'm guessing we'll see much more naked Travis Fimmel. Tarzan and Jane leave the courtroom, and our lives, forever. The end.
So, it's over. Would anything have saved this show for us? Our requests were simple: nudity, sexual tension, ridiculous storylines that kept us howling with laughter, and plenty of monkeys. We only got one out of four, and that ain't right.