Maybe week's episode will just be a full hour of backstory, rhetoric, and "Previously." Could anything be cheesier than this opening exposition? "John Clayton -- a man raised in the jungle, then brutally abducted by his uncle -- finds himself thrown into a battle for the Greystoke empire. Falsely accused of murder, he and Jane form a bond of mutual protection to rise up against those who might harm them, protect those in need, and secure a future neither could have foreseen." To ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this season of The WB's Tarzan.
We open at Aunt Xena's jungle. Xena gets the first proper name in: "John? Knock, knock!" She's brought food to the jungle. How many weeks did she keep Tarzan locked in a room, forgetting she had a jungle in her house where he could live? Xena can't find Tarzan anywhere in the 6" x 6" greenhouse. "John?" Just as she's about to give up -- "John?" -- Tarzan does what he does best: he falls from the sky right to her. Xena drops the silver tray of food. Actually, she kind of hurls it toward Tarzan, who falls to the ground and begins eating hungrily. As far as I can tell, this is the first time anyone's fed Tarzan in a month. No wonder he's hungry. Tarzan has no table manners, which is how we know he's not able to live free on his own in the jungles of Manhattoronto (shout-out to the forum posters who came up with that moniker). Tarzan's wearing a button-down shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Still no shoes. Xena bends down and watches Tarzan eat. It appears she's served him about seven string beans. "Glad you like it," Xena says. She teases him about forks and spoons. Tarzan stands up, and Xena teases him for ripping up the shirts she bought him, saying he must not have liked them very much. "I do now," Tarzan says. Still has no problem communicating, as far as I can see. Xena then buttons the front of his shirt, saying that it's okay to dress like that right now, but that when the winter comes, he'll have to get used to wearing more clothes. No, Xena! Bad! Get away from the nakedness! You're ruining everything! Xena flirts with Tarzan much more than Jane ever does, by the way. "Do you remember what winter is?" Xena asks Tarzan, who is currently grunting, for some reason. Tarzan looks up with his innocent face. It comes and goes, the dumbness -- just like the nakedness and the plot. "You remember your parents, don't you?" Xena asks. "Too many questions," Tarzan says through a full mouth, and backs away. Xena, of course, then says, "No, John. Wait a minute, John. John, wait." What's his name again? Tarzan then executes Obligatory Tarzan Shot #1: Tarzan perched on the edge of a roof, night shot of city skyline behind him. Xena asks where he goes every night. And for some reason, they let us see Travis Fimmel awkwardly descend the ladder leaning against the "rooftop." Xena then runs up to execute Obligatory Tarzan Shot #2: A woman leaning over a rooftop/window looking down to find out where Tarzan has gone off to. This is accompanied by Obligatory Tarzan Background Sound Effect #1: a police siren.
“ SuperTarzan leaps to the ground, growling. The attacker knows that the only thing wussier than an old Spanish lady is a shoeless pretty boy. ”
Tarzan takes a seat on another rooftop somewhere. He looks around. He walks. He stares down the night sky. We watch the wind whip around his hair. Tarzan is truly free! Then "[woman shouting in Spanish]" happens. Go, SuperTarzan! Go! SuperTarzan takes the fire escape down to a darkened (incredibly clean) alley, where a woman is struggling with an attacker over her purse. He flings her to the ground and she screams, but she's still holding onto her bag. The guy kicks her; she screams. Where are you, SuperTarzan?! There he is! SuperTarzan leaps to the ground, growling. The attacker knows that the only thing wussier than an old Spanish lady is a shoeless pretty boy. SuperTarzan stands, and gives a total Blue Steel face to the attacker. Then-- a gunshot! The attacker flies backward, making a yelping noise. He falls to the ground. Splash! Into a puddle. The Spanish lady screams and runs away. SuperTarzan looks upward, trying to figure out where the gunshot came from. Rapid shots of some other skyline somewhere in StockFootageLand show us that SuperTarzan is confused. SuperTarzan slowly walks toward one of the brick walls, staring up at what we're supposed to think are darkened buildings, but they just showed us that where he'd be actually staring is at the fire escape of the building he just dropped down from. Well, maybe SuperTarzan can also see through buildings. SuperTarzan makes his ugly face (the one where you can see all of his teeth) as he leans into some kind of alcove, worried about someone stronger than SuperTarzan out there, fearful of SuperTarzan's latest foe.
Pamie's greatest foe is the jackhole who created these opening credits. I'm currently hiding in an alcove of my own. Finally the closed captioning confirmed my suspicion: that these were the worst opening credits lyrics of all time. Behold. "If we took all the pieces from the moon/ all these little slivers rise." What the fuck does that mean? "If you could look me in the eyes with love./ And tell me what you want to see./ If you could look me in the eyes with love./ And make me how you want to be./ And try to make me what you want to see./ And try, try, oh."
We open at Jane's. It's night. As Jane writes a to-do list (I only know that's what it is because I've already watched the episode once), the song tells us, "I can't remember what I planned tomorrow." This is a huge pet peeve of mine: having the lyrics of a song illustrate exactly what we're watching. MTV does it all the damn time. Nicki walks in, sees Jane writing, and says, "Uh-oh." That's Nicki's response to people writing in a notebook. She opens a cabinet and asks where the plates are. Jane says she moved them to the right so they'd be closer to the dishwasher. But the cabinet Nicki opens is both to the left and away from the dishwasher. Good job, everybody. The glasses are now moved closer to the sink, but Nicki re-opens the first cabinet she opened and finds them there. She asks where the silverware is now. Jane opens the drawer by her stomach and says they're closer to the table now, and everything is much more efficient. Nicki grabs some silverware and tells Jane that there are great medicines for people with her condition. Jane goes into the fridge and says she's trying to get her life organized after the "chaos of the past few weeks." Jane says it feels good.
“ Be careful not to hurt yourself on the painfully bad writing that's fixing to blast your precious ears. ”
Nicki checks the oven and comments that Jane is working on another list. Jane says there's nothing to worry about; she's just writing down a few chores. Nicki says they had agreed there would be no lists. Jane makes a list to say that "A -- [she] never agreed to a list." And she's actually making a set of guidelines. Nicki asks if Jane would like to talk about what's bothering them, but I'd rather talk about the acting business they're doing. Nicki has scraped a plastic plate of Mexican food leftovers onto her actual plate. Did she have the plastic container in the oven? That doesn't sound too safe. Jane is either making herself a glass of chocolate milk or she's about to pour maple syrup into some orange juice. Maybe she's on that cayenne pepper/maple syrup fast that's become so terribly trendy these days. Jane says she doesn't want to talk about anything, but that she's trying to get a grip because there are a few things on her mind. Be careful not to hurt yourself on the painfully bad writing that's fixing to blast your precious ears. "Let me guess," Nicki brats. "John Clayton." "Wrong," Jane says immediately. She then gingerly takes the spoon out of Nicki's hand as a piano plinks somewhere. "Okay, right," Jane says with a pout. She admits that she has feelings for Tarzan, and feels that she shouldn't, because it's so soon after Michael's death. "What kind of person am I?" she asks. And I know that Nicki's going to say "Human" because that's what ScriptWriter HackPro demands, but I don't predict the redundant twist on the English language that Nicki comes up with: "A human person." Luckily, Jane's reaction to that is wide-eyed silence, so it doesn't interrupt the strange guffaws that have me doubled over on my couch. Jane's cell phone rings. "Hey, Sam," she answers. We hear him say, "Hey." Because that's how every conversation on this show starts. Sam then says, "Get down here. There's been another one." Jane somehow knows exactly where to go and what Sam's talking about, because she simply says, "All right. All right. I'm on my way." Nicki asks what's going on, and Jane says there's been another sniper attack. Nicki stares, wondering what she's doing on this show.
Jane teleports to wherever it was that she instinctively knew to go. It's the alley from earlier, and there's a blanket over the body. Sam and Jane do that fake cop flirting that people do when first arriving on a crime scene. The dialogue is so retarded that I refuse to recap it here. Sam tells us that this is "victim number two." So how did they know this was a sniper attack if there weren't any witnesses? And how do they know there's a sniper on the loose if this is only the second person to be shot? The victim's name is Damon Flicker (which makes me giggle). He's twenty-one and goes to City College. You know the one. ["That actually is the real name of a real college in New York City." -- Wing Chun] Jane immediately looks upward and asks if they found a bullet. Sam says no -- that it sliced clean through him. How did they know what kind of gun shot him, then? If there are no witnesses, how do you know it's a "military round" gun? Jane says she's going to have a "look around," but if it's just an alley, where the heck is she going to go?