I forgot to mention at the end of the original pilot, right after Tarzan started sniffing, right when Avril started wailing, Jane pulled Tarzan in for a long kiss. And I guess the end of that episode was "To Be Continued..." which feels so Nickelodeon to me. So that makes this episode -- which feels a little lost and pointless -- Part II of the pilot. Maybe it was originally supposed to be a two-hour "event." But my guess is that when they scored Lucy Lawless a few weeks ago, they overhauled the entire storyline, adding this extra hour here to introduce the Clayton sister.
Also: I am currently staring at my Shaun Cassidy album. I still have it. I still love it. Maybe Tarzan can bust out a little "Da Doo Run Run."
We open with Jane's open window again. But it's daylight, and Jane is sitting to her windowsill. It's tempting to count the number of times she's going to blink in this episode, but I think I'll leave it up to you for week's drinking game (drink once for every time she blinks, drink twice when she calls him "John," even though he told her to call him "Tarzan"). Jane looks up in the sky, blinking. Michael enters. He asks why she's not asleep yet. Maybe because it's the morning? "I just couldn't sleep, I guess," she says. Michael caresses her arm. Did he just get off work? It's daylight! Michael says he can't say that he blames her, after what she went through tonight. Do they know it's not night-- never mind. Moving on. Michael tells Jane that it's freezing in the room, and closes the window. He tells her to get to bed. She obeys, like a good woman should. She gets into bed and Michael asks if he can get her anything: "Water, Advil, tequila?" Jane giggles goofily, and says she needs all of the above. Michael says, "You did real good last night. You stopped a real bad guy." Jane whispers that she doesn't feel good. Michael: "I know how your brain works." He tells Jane that she can't beat herself up about Tarzan's dying: "There's nothing you could have done. Do you understand? He brought you back to me." Michael starts his creepy whisper here, which he won't stop for the rest of the episode. It's his turning point; from now on Michael is a "bad guy," for reasons that will remain unclear, since he probably has a right to angry that his almost-fiancée is monkeying around with a man who never wears shoes. Michael leaves, telling Jane to get some sleep. The sunlight now pierces Jane's eyes. She pulls up the covers. Michael shuts the door, which somehow makes the sunlight go away. It's a little confusing. Jane forgot to wash off her makeup.
Exterior shot of Jane's apartment in daylight. It's a little cloudy, which we can see over Tarzan's shoulder. Tarzan is perched on a nearby roof corner. He's watching Jane through her window. Again. He hears a woman screaming in the distance. Tarzan turns, and the screen goes blurry as we hear her scream for help again. Then her screams sound like they're coming from underwater. Tarzan leaps into action, jumping from roof to roof until he lands in "Central Park."
A woman runs through the jungles of "Central Park." Men in jackets, gloves, and ski masks follow her, taunting, chasing. She keeps running, looking behind her as all girls in chase scenes do. She then, of course, trips while running down a hill. She gets up and sees the men, who are getting closer. They are cheering each other on as they approach. The girl finally uprights herself and runs off again, leaving behind her iPod. There's no way in hell a girl would leave that shit behind. You go back for the iPod; it's like a child. Coincidentally, that's the very reason I've never bought one. I'd mostly use it for jogging, and I'm such a klutz I know I'd drop it, or I'd have a gang of masked gentlemen chase me for it until I left it in the dirt. The girl runs again, but as she reaches a tree, a man is already standing there. Pow! He punches her right under the neck, and she falls backward to the ground. The men swarm around her, saying things like "Hold her down." But nobody touches her just yet. It's nice to see that Fiona Apple is getting work again these days, since she won't record another album for me to obsess over. This girl runs without a sports bra. "You're gonna love this," one of the men says, and sounding like a young boy, and it doesn't fit in with the other men shouting to hold her down, and it's almost like a mistake or a subliminal message. Is the young man talking to me? His cohorts? His fallen jogger?
Two men do finally hold the woman down and she begs to be let go. One man holds a switchblade out to the camera, and then flips it open with the most emotion an actor covered from head to toe in fabric can summon. The girl starts hyperventilating, but then she sees Tarzan in the trees above her. Somehow this makes all the other men turn around too. The closed captioning says it's because a twig snaps, but I didn't hear that. As Tarzan leaps toward the gang of would-be rapists, the woman lets out another scream. We don't see how Tarzan disarms the guy with the knife -- they give us a reaction shot of the woman instead. Then Tarzan's flipping the men over one by one as they patiently wait their turn to get beaten up. Tarzan flips on his wrist to kick another man. The jogger doesn't get up, but rather watches the entire thing with interest. Tarzan monkey-jumps over to another tree and climbs it so that he can leap into the fight again. He jumps and does a few flips for no reason, lands on the ground, and then punches another assailant. That man picks up the knife that is conveniently by his side, and runs away with one other man. "Go, go, go!" one yells. "Let's get outta here!" another one says. What happened to the other kids? Are they still on the ground? "No!" wails the Central Park jogger, as Tarzan approaches her. "Don't hurt me!" Yes, when a pretty man leaps in from nowhere and beats up all of the masked, armed men who just finished chasing me, the first thing I assume is that the pretty man wants to hurt me. "Hurt you?" Tarzan asks, that perfect English he's so capable of speaking coming out flawlessly once again. But then they are interrupted by the "[indistinct conversation coming from police radio]," as the closed captioning describes it. Those are some good cops to find a woman in trouble who never called in for help. Tarzan monkey-jumps away as the cops call out a helpful "Hey, you!" The jogger watches Tarzan escape. She's awed, but doesn't tell the cops that he saved her. They keep yelling at Tarzan, but oddly enough don't draw their guns. Tarzan, once again, escapes.
If there was ever a doubt that this show is confused about itself, the opening credits -- with the strange song and stranger imagery -- are proof enough. Here's a tip: I don't ever want to see a title crawling with animated ivy. Also, the fact that the shots used are all culled from the pilot can't be a good sign.
Morning, again. Jane skips her workout regimen, and dresses in a striped shirt, unbuttoned down to there. Michael's in the doorway again, but he's wearing a different outfit this time. He asks if she's sure about coming in today. Jane says "yeah" twice, adding that she could use a little normalcy. Where did Michael sleep a couple of hours ago? "I can use a cup of coffee, actually," Jane laughs. Michael does a creepy cock of his head and says, "Well, I can help you with the coffee part." Jane thanks him after he leaves the room. She heads over to her desk for her pager, badge, wallet, and gun. She loads the gun with ammo and appears to cock it before putting it in her back holster. Jane sees Tarzan in the mirror, perched on her window once again. Jane runs over (and for some reason we hear sirens for a second) and tells him he has to get out of there. She tells him it's dangerous for him to be there right now. Michael shouts from the other room to ask if she'd like her coffee black. How long have they been dating? Didn't he propose? Never propose without knowing how she takes her coffee. Tarzan is angry, and enters the room protectively, wanting to know what he is doing there. "John," Jane whispers so hard that Tarzan's hair blows in her morning-breath breeze. "You have to leave now."
Unneeded little sis Nicki wanders into the kitchen. Michael asks what she's doing up so early. Nicki says she has a class at 9. So what time is it? How long were they asleep? Seriously, I'm moving on. Michael says that the first rule of college is not to have any classes before noon. Nicki says she just figured that out. Michael asks why Jane didn't warn her about that. Nicki says she's sure Jane loved morning classes. Hi. Jane almost died in a fire last night. And Michael proposed. And a monkey-boy supposedly died saving Jane's life. It's not really business as usual, is it? I guess so. Nicki leaves, having just successfully flirted with Jane's maybe-fiancé.
Jane goes into the bottom drawer of her dresser and tells Tarzan to listen to her. She says that everyone thinks he's dead, and they need to keep it that way until she figures out where he should go, so he needs to stay out of sight. Wouldn't her empty apartment -- with Nicki at school and herself and Michael at the station -- be the best place for him, then? "What kind of place?" Tarzan asks suspiciously. Jane says that they have to find a place where he'll be safe from his uncle. She gives him some clothes (but doesn't offer a pair of shoes), telling him he can't wander around New York looking like that. Why not put him in a hotel room? Tarzan doesn't want to wear the clothes, because he's too busy staring through a wall at his new enemy, the owner of said clothes. Oops, Tarzan's Australian accent came out a bit on his "these are his" line. Jane pushes the clothes to Tarzan's chest and tells him to leave right now. Tarzan crouches in the window again and gets right up in Jane's face, smiling. Jane stares, open-mouthed, blinking. There's a sound. Jane turns, wiggles her head, blinks, exhales, and turns back again. But Tarzan is gone. She runs to the window and looks out, AGAIN. As she shuts her window, Michael enters with that cup of coffee that took forever. "Hey," he says again. Jane turns and blinks three hundred and twelve times, like she's having a fit. My favorite thing about the art direction in Jane's room is the almost empty bulletin board, with a few pictures from National Geographic thumb-tacked to the bottom corner.
"New York City." Michael and Jane walk to work as Michael stammers a bit about last night. Jane apologizes for not answering his marriage proposal yet. "You deserve better than that," she says. Michael tells her that there's no pressure, and that she can decide whenever she wants. Jane stares, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Michael says that she went through a lot last night, and he doesn't want to "pile on more stress." Jane exhales and closes her eyes. Michael says that she can take all the time she wants ("a week, a month, a year, whatever"). Maybe that'll give him time to buy a ring. Jane smiles and blinks a few times.
Tarzan watches Jane and Michael cross the impressively un-busy New York City street. He's stalking her from yet another rooftop. Way to stay out of sight, dude.
The precinct. Jane gets all of her internet news from MoneyBeat.com, and today she's finding out more about Richard Clayton and Greystoke Industries -- namely that there's a trust left by John Sr. to Tarzan for $6 billion. Since Richard announced that he'd found the dead John Jr., that money has been in bitter dispute between Richard and his sister Kathleen, unmentioned until Lucy Lawless signed a deal with The WB. Once again, we're told about the plane crash. Then there's a silly graphic of still shots of Pileggi and Lawless, with the "Clayton vs. Clayton" headline.
Michael comes up behind Jane again, and once again he says, "Hey." That's how he's started every scene in which he appears in this episode. Jane quickly dissolves her internet browser as if she was looking at porn instead of news about the case she's been working on. Jane's desktop image is of the New York Police Department logo. Kiss-ass. The other articles that we can look forward to watching Jane watch? According to the index page that Jane minimized, they were: "The Power List: Richard Clayton." "US History: Clayton Family." "Kathleen Clayton Center for Performing Arts Home Page." "Greystoke Industries Official Company Site." "John Clayton Sr. In Memoriam." "The Speeches of Richard Clayton." And "Business Problems: The Clayton Family." As long as we only get one per episode, I think we'll be able to handle it. Michael asks if Jane's busy, since he can use her help. Jane's all, "I'm a cop. I'm never too busy for my boyfriend!" Michael says there's been an assault in Central Park, and that he's already got Jane's partner over there searching for evidence. He asks if Jane wants to "talk to the vic." Jane looks up briefly like, "Who says 'the vic'?" but then agrees to do it. "All right," Michael says. Jane walks away, and Michael stares at Jane's desktop image. Then he walks away. Tension!
Michael holds up an evidence bag containing a switchblade. He asks the teary Fiona Apple-y girl if she's seen this knife before. She says it was in front of her face. But the guy grabbed his knife before running away. How did they get this? Jane starts looking through the Big Book of Knives to find a match. So much for Jane's getting to talk to "the vic." Michael asks the woman if she can describe the men who attacked her. They're just now getting around to that? Shouldn't Sam have something to go on out there in Central Park? Fiona says that the men were all wearing ski masks. Michael asks about their height and build. Fiona apologizes, and says she doesn't know: "They pinned me down. They pinned me down and they were laughing like it was some kind of a game." Jane -- who really has the touch with vics -- leans in and says, "Rachel. Just think for me. Is there anything else you remember?" And then suddenly, just like that, there is: "I remember...the guy who chased them away." Jane says that's great, and asks what he looked like. Fiona describes long hair and a torn shirt, and no shoes. And he was amazing-looking. Michael shoots a look toward Jane, who is visibly startled and shook up. Fiona comes up with this bullshit: "Mostly he was brutal. He was out of control -- wild. He was gonna slaughter those guys. I'm thankful, but to tell you the truth, he scared me." Tarzan: "Well, excuuuuuse me!" Michael won't stop looking at Jane, who is thinking about paging a certain monkey-boy right about now. Sam leans into the interrogation room and waits for a second so that we can see the butterfly stitch on his head and remember that he got injured in the last episode. Then Sam says (say it with me), "Hey." He says he's got something.
Sam has detained a man from Park Services who was working a double shift last night around the same time and place as the victim. So was the jogger supposed to be running at night? Mr. Kowalski tells Jane and Michael that he saw two kids wasted, breaking windows (all the windows of Central Park), laughing. He says he ran after the kids, but they took off. He IDed one of them from the books, and the kid he fingered has a rap sheet: Matt Keaton, a black kid, whose "greatest hits" include petty larceny and car theft. Sam hands the folder over to Michael so that we can see the kid's face. Michael tells him to find his last known address, which Sam has already done. "How good am I?" Sam asks. Michael asks Mr. Kowalski if he's "100% positive" about this. Mr. K. says he never forgets faces, and that this is enough for the cops. Jane squints, and asks Sam and Michael to join her a few feet away. She says she thinks they should keep looking. Michael says that they already have a positive ID. Sam notes that you can't get any better than positive. You can't get super-positive? Jane says that just because this kid was in the park doesn't mean he did it. Sam asks why she thinks that. Jane says that the victim reported four suspects, not two. (And two should have still been flailing there when the cops arrived, since only two ran away.) Jane says she looked up the knife, and it cost a thousand bucks, which is out of Matt Keaton's price range. I don't know how she made that assumption, but Michael makes another one to suggest that Keaton stole the blade. Jane says she's got a gut on this. "Did she just say 'gut'?" Michael asks Sam, teasing the little lady for talking like a cop. Sam teases back. "Since when do you start going with your gut?" Jane rolls her eyes, knowing how silly she sounds when she talks to boys. Michael accuses her of sounding like Sam. Sam says, "Hey." Then he says a few other words. Michael says they're still going to follow their solid lead, but thanks for the time-waster, GutGirl. Sam follows Michael, loyal partner, he.
Jane's somewhere at a big building, reading The New York Star, which tells us "DARK DEALINGS AT GREYSTOKE: RICHARD CLAYTON ACCUSED OF FRAUD." Really? By whom? When? How? Jane has changed into a blue shirt and blazer for this meeting with Xena, who apologizes for keeping Jane waiting. Jane notes that The Star is "pretty brutal" in the way it reports about Greystoke. "It'd better be," Xena says. "I'm the publisher." And Jane should have known that from watching MoneyBeat. But instead, Jane looks up all wide-eyed and open-mouthed again. Xena says that her schedule is crazy today, so she'd rather get right to the point. Jane: "I'm investigating your brother, Richard." Jane and Xena stare each other down for a while until Xena tells her assistant to shut the door. There's more staring as the heavy glass doors slide closed. Jane asks when was the last time Xena saw him. Xena says that it was at a board meeting six months ago: "Turned into quite the screaming match. Then again, they always do." Jane tells Xena that she thinks Richard's found a way to control the trust. She says she wants to help Xena stop him, but first she needs to know where Xena stands. Xena does the soap-opera spin on her heels and says, "I want to give it away." Six billion dollars to charity. "My father and my brother John cared a lot more than profit. And Greystoke used to invest in people and ideas. And then Richard took over and he changed all of that. So I'm fighting for this trust. And for my brother's memory. It's what he would have wanted." Okay. What does Greystoke Industries do, exactly? What do they make, or sell, or acquire? And why is Richard running the company, anyway? Because he's the oldest? Jane tells Xena that Tarzan is alive. She says he survived the plane crash, and Richard found him and brought him to "New York." "But he's escaped," Jane adds. Xena yells at Jane to shut up. There's no way Tarzan could survive twenty years in the jungle, she says. She suggests that Jane's been sent here by Richard as a spy. "You wouldn't be the first cop on his payroll," she says. "Now get out of my house." Jane stares at the ground and blinks as she swears she's telling the truth: "John's alive and he needs protection." And he thinks his name is Tarzan. "Get out of my house," Xena says again. Jane does what she's told, always, and leaves, the glass doors suddenly open again. Xena is so furious that she must stand with one leg seductively propped up, exposing the inside of her knee.
"New York." Nighttime. Limo. Head MWF finally gets a name: Mr. Nash. He's on a cell-phone call, but quickly hangs up to inform Clayton, who's in the back seat, that he just got a call from his desk-sergeant friend who reported a "wild man" who fought four men with his bare hands. Has he been driving around in his limo since last night? Clayton is open-mouthed, shocked, blinking. He smiles. "He's alive, then. Thank God. Everything depends on him. Everything." There's a swell of music and then blackout. Commercial.
Night. "Precinct." Jane has changed back into that striped shirt. Michael walks over to her. Going for a variation, he knocks on her desk and says, "Hola." Jane says, "Hi." Michael says again, "Hi." You know, every scene doesn't have to start from the very beginning. Sometimes we can join conversations in progress and figure out what's going on. Michael says he's willing to blow off his paperwork for the "Jane Porter Special." Disappointingly, it's just a pepperoni pizza, a bottle of wine, and a Steve McQueen "flick." I hate when people say "flick." Jane says she's too in love with a monkey...I mean, "too TIRED" to hang out with ex-boyfriend...I mean "MICHAEL" tonight. "Really?" Michael asks, full of suspicion. Jane looks right in her boyfriend's face and lies. She asks if he minds. Michael whispers that he doesn't. Jane says goodnight and walks away. Michael stays at her desk. He turns and watches over his shoulder as she puts on her jacket and walks off. Michael pulls a Tarzan move, swiveling on his heels to sit on her desk. Blink.
Pan down the still un-busy "New York" street to find Jane jaywalking away from the police station. Another man jaywalks past her, and gives her a glance, to show us how "dangerous" these Toronto streets can be at night. Tarzan swings into frame, right behind Jane, dangling from some scaffolding. Jane gasps and turns around. Tarzan swings, smiling. "John, you really can't jump out at me like that," she says. You have a gun, Jane. Grow some balls. "Call me Tarzan!" Tarzan doesn't say, but should. Instead, he says, "Come with me." Jane says, "What? No." But she's so smiley and flirty. Blink. Blink. Tarzan walks toward her and says, "Please." It's that easy, folks. Jane's ready to go. They walk away, Tarzan leaping and skipping like a kid getting walked home from the school bus. Jane also breaks into a jog, and they giggle off like...what the hell is going on with this show?
Michael watches the entire thing! He's so upset that he must run after them! His footsteps echo as if he's running down a hallway and not a busy intersection. He clutches his chest to show us that his heart is breaking. But he can't find them, those wily lovers! They appear to have vanished around a Canadian corner! Michael gasps, blinks, gasps, blinks, opens his mouth, and closes it.
Jane is chasing Tarzan up some stairs. "Hey!" he shouts from up above. Tarzan is perched between a fire escape and a window, holding himself in the air, just showing off, really. "You coming?" he asks. Jane can only shake her head and laugh at her foolish monkey lover. He sees things so simply! We hold on Tarzan's face long enough to see he's starting to struggle from holding himself aloft.
Jane always takes the stairs, and she never stops calling him "John." Up on another roof, she looks around and finds Tarzan perched on another corner as police sirens wail in the background. Jane must blink before she approaches him, so she does. She blinks again. Tarzan looks out at the night sky as Jane nears him. "It's beautiful," he says. He turns to her. "Look!" So we all do, for a while.
Jane breaks this precious silent moment to tell Tarzan that she met with his aunt today. Wow, this relationship is moving much faster than Tarzan intended. He doesn't know why families have to get involved so early. At least wait until a holiday or something. Jane feels the need to explain to Tarzan that an aunt is a father's sister. Then suddenly Tarzan "gets it" and jumps down to repeat, "My father?" "Yes," Jane says. Well, no. His sister. Your father is dead. "And uh, she doesn't like your uncle very much, so I think she might help you." Yeah, that's what I got out of that meeting too -- Xena's desire to help Tarzan out of the Greystoke prison. "Help with what?" Tarzan asks. Jane suggests that he stay with Xena. "I wanna stay with you," Tarzan says, leaning toward Jane. "Uh, that's not possible," Jane says. Tarzan asks why not. "Because that's not how it works here," Jane says. What does that mean? That's totally how it works here, Jane. How it doesn't work is to have a man propose and you don't even talk about it for the two nights as you lie to your boyfriend to climb up roofs with a monkey-man you helped escape from the room you used to say he was legally bound to be locked inside. Tarzan monkey-jumps away as Jane actually says, "You can't just jump into someone's life and..." I have to leave the room and find my eyeball, which just rolled out of my head and into the kitchen.
Tarzan finds another pole to swing on, and a corner to crouch in, as Jane blinks and then joins him. "You were in a fight this morning," she accuses. Tarzan says that he was. "This is what I'm talking about," Jane says. "If someone had seen you --" Tarzan explains that they were hurting that girl. Jane says she understands that, but that things aren't that simple. Sometimes, apparently, it's more important to let a woman get beaten and possibly raped, than to risk getting described to the police as a man with no shoes and a wild temper. I see that now, Jane. Thank you. Tarzan swings down to Jane and says that when someone is in trouble, he's there to help. "Don't you?" he asks. Not really. She's a detective, which isn't really someone who helps people in trouble, as much as figure out how the trouble occurred. And why is Tarzan supposed to be a superhero now? Did he always have super-hearing? Jane blinks some more and Tarzan thinks about sniffing her again. Jane asks if Tarzan saw the skin color of any of the men: "Was it black?" Objection, your honor. Leading the witness. Tarzan says, "No. It was like yours." Actually, Tarzan didn't see any skin because the men were in masks, heavy jackets, and gloves. Your honor, the witness has clearly suffered trauma, and has a romantic attachment to the prosecution, so I motion to throw out his entire testimony. See how Tarzan is now caressing the prosecution's cheek to demonstrate what "like yours" looks like? Did the witness caress the defendants' cheeks as well? And why does this man have such clean fingernails? Is he not a half-ape who wanders the gritty jungles of Manhattan? Where does he get waxed? No further questions, your honor. Jane talks around Tarzan's caressing palm to say she's trying to figure this out and help him. Tarzan keeps touching her, and she keeps blinking. "I can't do this," she says again. "I have to go." She leaves the roof. Tarzan stands there. Why doesn't he follow her again? Whatever.
Jane enters her apartment (she only locks one of the four locks on her door) to find her creepy boyfriend waiting for her. Blink. And what does Jane say? You know the words: "Hey." Michael asks where she's been. Jane lies and says she got something to eat, because she was hungry. She asks if there's something wrong. Michael says there's something she needs to tell him. Okay, he gets really weird here and he's a little sweaty and he kind of whispers this entire scene here when he decides they should get married now. Jane says she thought Michael was okay with her taking time to decide. He asks why she needs time. "To think everything through," she says like it's a question. "Okay," Michael says. "But why?" Jane says she's not saying no. Michael asks what's changed. "Nothing's changed," Jane lies. Michael says he knows something's going on, and that he needs Jane to trust him. Jane says that she does trust him, and promises that everything is going to be okay. Michael, bummed out that he's playing second banana, says to forget he ever asked her to marry him. Jane is wide-eyed, open-mouthed, blinking. Michael goes to leave, but Jane asks him to wait. She says, "Wait! Michael! Michael! Michael, please don't leave!" Michael walks out the unlocked, open front door. Nicki walks in "sleepily" and asks, "Jane? What's going on?" Then she smiles and rubs her head. Well, Jane was just screaming for Michael not to leave, genius. What do you think's going on? Jane has no choice but to stand there, panting, blinking, open-mouthed. She sits and blinks a lot. Nicki asks what happened. Jane tries to cry and says she doesn't know.
We get an exterior shot of a car driving by a building on a dark street, signifying the passing of enough time for Jane to fill Nicki in on everything. "You haven't told Michael? About John, about any of this?" Nicki asks Jane. Jane says that she hasn't, but that Michael knows something is up. I'll say. "I love Michael," Jane says. Keep those three words in mind, because I think you'll see a very strange demonstration of "love" later on in the episode. Jane says she can't believe she's doing this to him. "And for what? For John? I mean, he can barely speak. He won't wear shoes." (a) He can totally speak. And (b) You've never offered a pair of shoes for him to wear. Nicki looks at Jane like, "This is all so romantic. My sister loves an apeman." Jane's still ranting about how Tarzan is uncontrollable and doesn't understand anything. "It's like he's from a different planet." The planet of the Republic of Congo, perhaps? "And my God, talk about a traumatic background!" Ba-dum-bum. Even Nicki has to squint and blink at that shitty joke. Jane then delivers the worst line of the episode: "What am I thinking? I'm not thinking. That's the problem." She leans forward and exhales. "Um," says Nicki. She asks if she's allowed to speak now. Um, you totally had the first line of the scene. Nicki says that maybe it's a good thing that Jane's not thinking. Wow, I thought Jane's lines were bad, but check this: "Mom always said you think too much. Maybe you should just listen to how you feel." Vomit. Everywhere. Jane says she's got to put Tarzan somewhere safe, but after that she's got to wash that primate right out of her hair: "I'm not gonna see him...ever again."
Dark buildings. It's very late at night now. Michael sits in a big leather chair and says he can pull a confession out of anybody: "It's sort of my specialty. But with Jane, I didn't. I held back. Because sometimes...the lie tells more than the truth. John Clayton. He's dangerous. To himself, to others, and especially to Jane. I can see it even if she can't. So that's why I'm here." The camera finishes its spin to reveal that Michael is talking to Richard Clayton, as Michael concludes, "I can find your nephew. And I can deliver him." Clayton considers this with a look down, a look up, and a tiny wiggle of the head as the music swells and blackout. Commercial!
I guess it's the day, and Jane's back at work. She walks into a room where Sam is and asks, "What's going on?" Sam tells her that they picked up the two suspects from the park assault. Two? How did they do that? Anyway, one's in the tank, and the one with the rap sheet is currently in the interrogation room, getting worked over by Michael. Jane and Sam are on the other side of the mirror, looking in on the interrogation room.
In the room, Keaton swears to Michael that they didn't hurt anybody. They were drunk, and got a little crazy, but that's it. Michael holds up the iPod, which is in an evidence bag: "Explain this, Matt." Keaton says they found it in the mud and figured "some fool" lost it. "It doesn't look good," Michael whispers. "That belonged to the victim, Matt." Still does, I believe. Michael says he knows that Keaton was there, and that he hurt that girl. He then starts lying, saying that samples of Keaton's hair and his fingerprints are all over the girl's clothes.
On the other side of the mirror, Jane whines, shakes her head, and tells Michael not to do this.
Michael tells Keaton that his friend already ratted him out: "He says it was all your idea. Me? I think it was his. You were just along for the ride, right?" He then claps in Keaton's face, telling him to focus.
We get a shot of Sam watching this so that we don't think this is racist in any way.
Michael's still using his "intense" voice when he tells Keaton he's fixing to spend twenty years in prison for this. Michael repeats it for good measure.
Jane, who can't take this anymore, leaves the interrogation room.
Michael tells Keaton that if he comes clean, he'll see what he can do. Jane opens the interrogation-room door. "I need to talk to you," she says. "Right now." Michael and Keaton look toward the door. You can practically hear Keaton whistling, "Busted."
Oh, my God. When Michael walks out of the interrogation room to meet Jane in the hallway? He goes: "Hey." He then only talks in a whisper about how she totally screwed up his feng shui, and he almost had the perp's confession. Jane says she knows that these guys didn't do it, and when she finds the ones who did, Michael's going to owe Keaton an apology. Michael whispers, "Jane. They were at the scene of the crime. They stole from the victim. What else do you need?" A motive. Intent. Evidence. Fingerprints. Hair. DNA. Another two guys, since the victim described four men. A certain wild shoeless Joe who saw all four of the attackers (with his fists!). Little things like that, Mike. And what's with the whispering? Jane's not. Jane tells Michael not to take his aggression against her out on these kids. Michael growls -- that sound you make in Bikram Yoga during the warm-up. "I wouldn't do that," Michael lies. "Jane. I wanted to apologize for last night. Heh-heh. I completely lost my head. I'm sorry." Jane says it's okay. Michael grabs her arm and keeps whispering. "No. It isn't. But I'm gonna make it up to you. Everything's going to be okay. I promise." Dude, she just said exactly those same lines, like, ten minutes ago. Jane does some blinking, and Michael says "Okay." The best part of this scene is the print-out of the Miranda rights in English and Spanish, tacked to the bulletin board in between them. Just in case the cops forget.
Greystoke. Xena's come to visit Richard. She picks up a framed photo, as all long-lost siblings do when they return home. She looks around the room, waiting for Richard to enter. He finally does, and they stare each other down for a little while. Richard says he's surprised to see Xena there, since it's usually like pulling teeth to get her to come around. This script uses a lot of dialogue fillers. There's the greetings that everyone has to make at the top of the scenes, but then there's also all this stuff like people stating their intent, what the scene is going to be about, and then people agreeing to talk about whatever the intent is. Like here. Xena: "Richard, I wanted to talk to you." Richard: "I'm listening." Xena says she's tired of the bitterness and anger between them. Richard: "What do you want, Kate?" There's also a lot of repeating names. Xena: "I want to stop fighting over our brother's trust." Xena suggests that they settle out of court, splitting John's trust 50/50. "Why the change of heart?" Richard asks. Xena says that she went by the cemetery today and realized she never thanked Richard. "For what?" he fills. "For going back to the jungle," she replies. Xena thanks Richard for being diligent in recovering the bodies, and for bringing them back home for a proper burial. Coincidentally, this shot with Xena talking is the exact reverse shot of when Michael was joining forces with Richard. The camera swings in the other direction. Richard smiles, and says he's always tried to do what was best for this family. Xena: "So let's settle this thing once and for all." Fight! Fight! "No," Richard says. "I need that trust to keep Greystoke strong. To keep this company running the way it should be run. That's what's best, Kate. But I appreciate you [sic] coming." There's quite the stare-down as Xena slowly stands, the camera following her. She walks away, Richard's eyes following her. He sucks something sour in his mouth -- perhaps the lines he wishes he could say. As Xena leaves, Richard looks right at us. It's weird, but he's totally looking right at us. He opens his mouth, as if he's going to talk to the closed door. Then he looks around, searching for something. Maybe a resolution to this scene. Maybe a reason not to be sitting in this chair all the time. Maybe he's hoping that they won't dress him in blue-striped shirts and red multi-patterned ties and pinstriped suits anymore. It's very busy.
Same swooping night shot of "New York" that we got in the last episode. Jane's still on the case, asking someone if they saw a group of four or five Caucasian guys. "Didn't see anybody," says Random Under-Five Dressed As Tow-Truck Man. Jane gives him her card. Dude, it's that easy to score Jane's digits. Sam echoes my thoughts when he asks, "What are we doing here, Jane?" He says he's a "big-ass fan of the white-boy theory." Nothing would give him more pleasure than to "bust a bunch of snippy white boys." But since Jane has nothing to back this up, he wonders what they're doing out there. Jane asks how many times Sam has told her that he's had a feeling he just can't shake. I remember when we saw this scene in the last episode. Sam asks, "What's up with you lately?" You mean since yesterday? "I mean, you used to be this cool, collected, by-the-book machine. Now all of a sudden you're chasing hunches, making rash decisions." You mean since yesterday? "I mean, don't get me wrong. I like it, it's not bad, it's just...it's just not you, Jane. Now, look. I'm your partner and I'm your friend. And if there's something going on, I want to know." Jane looks her partner right in the eye. Looks at this man who is sworn to protect her -- whose life depends on hers on some nights. This man who is her right hand, her co-pilot, her other half. She looks this man in the eye and lies to him. She says there's nothing he needs to worry about. Sam says she's got an important job keeping his ass alive, so he needs her to be sharp. He goes to leave, but Jane sees a tree wiggle in the breeze -- the monkey booty call. She lies to Sam and says she wants to walk home, starting with my most hated "You know what?" Sam goes, "What are you talking about? It's twelve blocks!" In New York? Holy crap! That could take all night! When Sam questions her, Jane bitches at him to get off her ass about it. Sam whistles at Jane's new-found 'tude, and gets in the car. "You get freakier and freakier," he says. He screeches off, and a car honks in the distance.
Jane walks in a straight line so that Tarzan can jump behind her once again so that she can say "John" once again and act surprised. The amount of name-repeating in this episode is amazing. "What if someone saw you?" Jane asks. "I am trying to protect you, you know. You're not making it any easier," Tarzan replies. Tarzan gets a bit Australian here as he leans in and tells Jane he knows she's looking for the men who hurt the jogger. She says she is. "I followed them," he says. "You followed them how?" What else was he going to do today? "Their scent," he says. Why didn't he mention that last night? "Their scent," Jane repeats. Tarzan smiles flirtatiously. "All right," Jane says. "Take me." Tarzan is totally cool for being a man who has no idea where he is or where his jungle friends are. Tarzan grabs Jane by the arm and spins her toward the jungle...I mean "park." What? The gang's still hanging out in the park at this hour?
As Jane and Tarzan take a casual stroll through Central Park, Tarzan asks Jane if the boys were fighting for food or to protect their homes. Yeah, he's so smart, and yet so incredibly dumb. Jane gets even dumber, saying there's no reason for the men to attack: "They just do it for fun." Oh, really? That's why people commit crimes? For fun. I had no idea. "You know, for the thrill of hurting people like us. For the rush." Yep, that pretty much sums up why people commit crimes. Because it's all about you, Jane. Tarzan senses something that sounds like Freddy's boiler room. He stops, and tells Jane that he senses danger. "Something's wrong," he hisses. The closed captioning informs me that footsteps are approaching. It's Michael, walking like a horror-film monster toward them. "Michael," Jane says, as she puts a protective hand on Tarzan. She doesn't seem too worried, or upset. Just casual. Michael glares at Tarzan, who shoots the stink-eye back. Jane is mostly upset that Michael followed her. From where? For how long now? Michael whispers, "That's all you have to say to me right now, Jane?" Jane instantly apologizes. "Me too," Michael exhales in a whisper. Tarzan does another one of those low-lidded stares that's kind of like when Drew Barrymore was about to start another fire. The MWFs are back, and this time they've got laser tasers! "What'd you do?" Jane asks. "I did what I had to do," Michael growls. "You called Clayton?" Jane asks. Hey, Tarzan. Run! Jump a tree! Why are you just standing there, waiting for them? Michael asks Jane how many times she's lied to him. The flashlights approach. Tarzan gets up in Jane's face, and she blinks, blinks, blinks. He stares at her. She blinks, blinks, blinks. He walks away. Jane tries to follow, but Michael grabs her arm. Jane screams, "John!" Tarzan finally tries to climb a tree, but the laser tasers attack him. All Jane can do, once again, is alternate between shouting "no" and "don't." She also throws in a "Stop it! Don't you hurt him!" But the MWFs are tasing up a storm. Tarzan starts to fall out of his tree as Jane shouts, "Stop!" And then: "Please! Don't!" Well, she did say "please." Tarzan falls from the tree and lands on his back. Then Jane shouts again, "John!" Call him Tarzan! Jane tells the MWFs to let her go as we watch Tarzan struggle on the ground, pained from the tasers. He's just kind of flailing on the ground, rolling in the dirt, groaning. Take off your shirt, Tarzan. It'll help with the pain. My pain, from this episode. Blackout. Commercial.
The MWFs lift Tarzan to put him in the paddy wagon. Nash is on his cell phone. Jane is distraught at a comfortable distance. Michael pulls her away by her arm. She is woman, hear her roar, her problems mostly she'll ignore. Tarzan is thrown into the metal cage in the back of the Tarzanavan. Jane -- who loves people's names -- says, "Michael. They can't do this." What? They did. They've done it five times in two hours. Michael repeats, "'They can't do this'? Do you hear yourself right now? You're not thinkin' straight. What are you gonna do, Jane? Huh? You gonna throw your life away? All your plans. All our plans? For what? For him?" Am I watching a soap opera? Jane blinks a lot and then says, "No, Michael. No." Then: "Look. This is not about us, all right?" Michael tries to look soul-searchingly into Jane's eyes. But she quickly handcuffs him to the door of his own squad car, to which he responds, "Jane." Jane leans in and says, "I have to help him," to which Michael responds, "No, Jane. Jane! Jane!" And in the close-up of Michael's cuffed hand, we see a big ol' tattoo running across his wrist. This is the best part: Michael, after wiggling his hand to show that he's really cuffed to the door through the open window, casually reaches into his left-hand pocket and takes out his set of handcuff keys. Easiest problem-solving ever. I remember when we took that test back in detective school. "You've just been handcuffed. What do you do?" Answer: I pull out a set of keys that happen to open any pair of handcuffs in the world. I keep them in my pocket.
Tarzan, in the Tarzanavan, blinks as his captors continue struggling to put his body in the van. I think they just like touching his butt. Tarzan suddenly "wakes up" and is able to kick both of these men out of the way with one foot. And why aren't there any more men around? There are, but you can't really see them, and at one point I think Tarzan is standing on one of them as another struggles to get his taser. A man finally aims his taser at Tarzan, but he's taken down by Jane, who has picked up a fallen taser, and is now, illegally, tasering this man to the ground. I think that's Nash. Tarzan just watches, because that's what he mostly does. Jane runs over. Tarzan grabs her with both hands. Jane blinks. Just as Tarzan gives her his flirty smile and is about to kiss her, someone plays Track 12 on Halloween Sounds: "Woman Screaming." Tarzan goes into his underwater wave hearing, and turns around (because sounds of danger always come from behind, thus ensuring an over-the-shoulder reaction shot). Jane asks what's going on. "She's screaming," Tarzan answers. He runs away. Jane follows. Shouldn't Michael have come over by now? He's totally got his cuffs off.
Cut to a bleeding woman dragging herself to a tree. I think she's a nurse. But probably it's because the blood looked more dramatic against a white background. Jane runs up to the woman and grabs her, so the woman whimpers again, but Jane promises it's all right. "I'm a cop. I'm a police officer," Jane explains. She calls it in. She says she has a woman down and needs an immediate ambulance at the Grand Army Plaza. As she covers the woman with her jacket, she says, "I need you to tell me who did this to you." The woman -- bleeding but with amazing teeth -- whimpers, "They...they...." "What?" Jane asks, looking at the woman like she's about to slap her. The woman points at Tarzan and says, "They went...." "The men?" Jane asks. The woman nods, crying. "Okay," Jane says. Good work, Porter! Good thing there's only one crime at a time in New York City. They're probably the same guys you're looking for! Jane calls in to say that there are multiple suspects, and to request immediate backup. Jane tells the woman she's going to be fine. I don't know how Jane knows that. Tarzan turns to leave, but Jane grabs his arm: "John, where are you going?" Codependent much, Jane? Tarzan says: "To stop them." Jane is frantic, and says, "No. John, when I made that call. Every cop in my precinct is going to hear that. Michael is going to hear that." Yes, but he's cuffed to a -- oh, fuck it. She tells Tarzan again to get out of there. And she calls him John. Again. Jane: "Let the cops handle this. You don't need to do it." Tarzan: "Yes, I do." Is this a cop show? Did I get tricked into recapping another cop show? Boomtown with chimps? Dammit! ["Dude, if Boomtown had chimps, maybe we'd still be recapping it." -- Wing Chun]
It totally looks like Tarzan's running to hail a cab that has stopped, but at the last minute he does a jumping somersault and lands on the roof of the cab. Show-off. He runs through traffic.
Jane is panting, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. She reaches back and touches the injured woman, wondering if the vic is as turned on as Jane is.
Michael's just casually walking down the park path, totally not rushed. No biggie. Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo. He hears the call for backup and asks who put in the call. When he hears that it was Jane, Michael breaks into action. And by that I mean he starts running while taking off his jacket. I love that BadMichael only speaks in a gruff whisper. Dude has had a weird forty-eight hours.
Tarzan loves to climb fire escapes. He's doing it again. He keeps finding more roofs, each one higher than the last. He keeps running higher and higher until he finally hears the sound of one boy laughing. Tarzan does another show-off spinny somersault onto a roof.
The boys have seriously booked it and are now walking through a parking garage, bragging about how awesome it was to have beaten up that nurse. One of them swears that they're going to videotape it time, so at least we know the kids would have eventually been caught anyway. I love that one of them litters right then, just so we know how seriously bad these kids are. And they're all in prep-school uniforms. If there's one thing private-school kids do, it's wear their uniform at all hours, late into the night, to show their insignia whenever they commit assault and battery. Suddenly, there's a "[clanking]," as the closed captioning describes it, that silences all four boys. They start looking around like they're in The Pelican Brief. "What was that?" one asks. He sounds like Camp Jim. "We should bail," one concludes, and then he chirps his car alarm. These assholes took two different cars.Tarzan's suddenly on them, crazy wild and growling. There's slow-motion, and kicking, and anger. No shoes. No shoes! One of the kids suddenly has a bat, but Tarzan's ready for it. Then another kid's got a bat, and wears his hoodie like a cape, for some reason. Tarzan can handle that frat superhero, too. He flips kids around and punches them both in the face. One of the kids hits Tarzan in the back of the knee with his bat, sending Tarzan to the ground. Tarzan has a quick recovery time! He's totally fine. He lifts the kid under the legs and does a spin that we've seen every professional wrestler do. He throws the kid onto a car -- one that has glass for a windshield instead of that stuff they make windshields out of so they don't shatter. The car alarm goes off.
In a shot we've already seen before, Michael walks out of the stairwell door, gun drawn, making a beeline for Tarzan. He says that Tarzan isn't that hard to find. Then where the fuck is Jane? And how did he find Tarzan way up here on this really high parking garage far away? Where's Jane, I ask again? Tarzan makes a "You totally caught me! Boy, is my face red" face. Michael says that Tarzan makes a lot of noise, and that's why he's so easy to catch. Over and over. Tarzan gives that sigh of resignation as Michael calls in to Dispatch that he has the four suspects detained. He requests backup and an ambulance to Grand Access Parking. That's, like, three feet away. Why with all the running? Michael tells Tarzan to take it easy, and that his uncle's coming to take him home: "You'll be safe there." One of the kids then rolls off the hood of the car, and as Michael turns to point his gun at the kid, Tarzan escapes up the parking garage. Michael starts shooting at him. Dude, this exact sequence happened last week! Michael shoots a few pipes, which release steam, and then runs after Tarzan, leaving behind the four boys who have allegedly been attacking and raping women in Central Park and Grand Army Plaza. Nice work, Detective.
Tarzan's on the roof, and Michael opens the stairwell door, gun drawn. He finds Tarzan shimmying up another pipe, up an even taller building, toward an even taller roof! Michael shoots at a building where there are windows and people presumably live, and misses because Tarzan can jump faster than bullets, as most superhero monkey-boys can.
The cops have their sirens on, but I'm not sure which request for backup they're with. The parking garage they enter (and Jane is standing outside of -- hasn't she heard any of the gunshots? Why does Jane have to be such a shitty detective?) says that it's at 22 Sheppard Street, and that it's a "parkade," whatever that is. Wing, is that some kind of Canadian word for parking garage? ["I never thought of it as a particularly Canadian word, but I guess it is." -- Wing Chun] And where is Sheppard; it's not 69th and 2nd, where Michael claimed they were. ["There aren't any numbered streets in downtown Toronto, but there is a Sheppard, waaaaay up north of the city." -- Wing Chun] Jane pants and looks around -- clueless, confused. Then, finally, she hears a gunshot. "Oh no" is her first response.
Tarzan is still climbing fire escapes. Michael shoots again. This time he hits Tarzan in the right shoulder. Tarzan flails backward and yells. He dangles for a second, and Michael looks worried, like Tarzan might have his own weapon. But Tarzan pulls himself up, wounded arm and all, and continues pulling himself up the building. Michael breaks into another sprint. And just as Tarzan has made it up the last flight of stairs, suddenly Michael is already halfway up the building, making his way up the fire escape faster than a monkey-man can swing it.
Another roof! As Michael pulls himself up the last ladder, we see that this is the same roof where Tarzan was shot with a tranq gun as Jane did nothing. Michael walks around with his gun drawn. He scooches against a wall, and then turns a corner and points his gun. What was the point in that? When Michael turns around again, Tarzan leaps from an even higher point, and hits the gun right as Michael turns around. Tarzan flings Michael over his back, right on his gunshot. Michael hits the ground and Tarzan's on top of him, choking him while also straining the wrist that holds Michael's gun. Michael pretends to be choking. Tarzan takes the gun out of Michael's hand and throws it behind him. Good idea, Tarzan. Michael digs his thumb into Tarzan's bullethole. Tarzan in pain! Tarzan angry! He rolls to the side off of Michael, and Michael rolls the other direction. Michael pushes Tarzan over the air-conditioning vent. Tarzan gets back up. Michael looks amazed that the air-conditioning thing didn't faze him. Tarzan runs at Michael, jumping off the A/C unit and kicking Michael in the chest.
Hi, Jane. Glad you could join us. You're so fucking slow! She pulls herself up on the roof in time to grab Tarzan and tell him to stop. Michael stands up. Jane pulls a page from the Domestic Violence handbook: she runs up and says, "Michael, if you want to hit someone, you hit me! I'm the one that hurt you. I'm the one that lied." Michael's all teary and sweaty, and hits Jane's hands away. "It's not his fault," Jane says. "It's mine." Then Jane realizes that Tarzan has been shot. She instantly blames Michael, and shouts that Tarzan is unarmed. As if she doesn't know what that boy does with his hands and feet. There's a jogger who won't come anywhere near Tarzan's unarmed body. Jane caresses Tarzan's bullet hole and asks him, "Are you all right?" Tarzan -- who is seriously ballsy -- reaches up and caresses Jane's face again. As he leans in to kiss her, Michael takes a running leap at Tarzan. "Michael!" screams Jane. Then, "NO!" Michael tries to throw Tarzan off the roof, with him, I guess. In slow-motion, we see Michael and Tarzan go over the roof, and for a second we see Tarzan's hand leave the roof. Inertia and gravity dictate that both of these men would be goners, but The WB dictates that the one who's sexier topless shall remain. Jane once again runs to the edge of something to look down, and sees Tarzan holding on to something we can't see, and Michael holding on only to Tarzan's bullet-ridden arm. Jane starts shouting out first names again, telling Michael to hold on. But Tarzan -- whose arm has to be killing him by now (heh-heh) -- probably doesn't want Michael holding on for much longer. Jane says Michael's name a few more times as Michael realizes just how high up he's dangling. "Oh, gosh," he says, making the understatement of the year. We see a cab drive by underneath Michael. Tarzan tells Michael to hold on. Jane is supposedly struggling with something, but we can't see what. Maybe Tarzan's other arm? But Michael does let go, and he falls, and Jane calls his name for (we hope) the last time. In slow-motion, we see Michael's CGIed body fall to the desolate New York City street below, and the closed captioning says it best when it reads: "[thud]." Tarzan inhales, and then there's a very funny shot of Michael's body on the street, looking like the little slipping man on the "Caution! Wet Floor!" yellow cones. Thanks, Jane, but Tarzan can help himself back up onto the roof. Thanks. Oops, but then he's just dangling again. Little editing error there, having him swing himself back up, but then having him back to dangling.
Jane's totally just spacing out on the roof as Tarzan struggles to pull himself back up. Jane's busy blinking, but not crying, having just watched the man she loved -- the man she might have married -- fall to his death just out of her grip. Tarzan rolls himself back over the roof, looking as casual as hell, kind of touching the bullet in his arm. Jane takes a step toward something, and Tarzan intervenes, grabbing her hand. Sometimes he's holding his arm, and sometimes he's not as he stares at her. Jane finds her voice: "What were you doing up here? Why did you have to fight him?" Oh, man. She's blaming Tarzan for this? Uh, lady. Do you see the bullet hole in his arm? Did you see when Michael called Greystoke to take him away? Did you see the tasering? Did you see how Tarzan solved your second crime in two days? Did you see how this is all your fault completely for not pulling away when Tarzan put the moves on you in front of Michael? The police sirens blare outside, so some nice civilian must have called 911, because Lord knows Jane didn't phone the semi-homicide in.
Jane and Tarzan lean over the roof and see the single cop run over to the dead Michael. He doesn't bother looking up to see where he fell from.
Jane comes back over the edge of the roof, her hand clamped over her mouth. Already scheming, Jane says, "Listen to me. Michael's a cop. The police won't care what happened. They'll kill you for this." Wow. That doesn't seem legal, does it? That's...seriously, someone should look into that. ["I think she means that killing a police officer is a capital offense, so the cops would trump up a case against him and get him convicted and the State would kill him, but then, I don't want to put words into Jane's moronic mouth." -- Wing Chun] "So we have to go," Jane says. Still not really that upset about Michael dying, I might add. "Now," she says, and walks off. Tarzan follows her.
But there was an even taller building than that one just off to the right, and now we see that someone watched that entire thing through Venetian blinds, with one finger pulling down one of the blinds, even though they are open. And from the outside shot we can see his shadow, and probably Jane and Michael and Tarzan would have easily seen this person, too, if only they were any good at being cops.
It's raining now, because someone died, and that's the law in television. There's a knock at the door of Xena's house. She comes down the stairs, fully dressed even though it's, like, 3 in the morning. "Mary, what's going on?" she asks. Mary tells Xena that she already asked the people to leave and said she threatened to call the cops. Mary's wearing pajamas. Why not Xena? "I think they're already here," Xena says as she makes her way to the front door. As she opens it (and somehow neither Tarzan nor Jane is wet and they're standing inside a building already and not outside at all, and they are seriously dry considering the storm going on outside), Jane pulls a weakened Tarzan into the room and says, "This is your nephew. Something terrible has happened and he needs your help." As Xena and Tarzan make eye contact, Jane keeps blubbering, "You have to help him. Please." Xena says, "John?" She gets a little teary, and then sees his wound, which is being "controlled" by a strip of red fabric. She tells Mary to get Dr. Jaffe right now. Mary runs off. Jane just turns around to leave without an explanation or a goodbye or whatever, but Tarzan pulls her back by one arm. Hey, Jane. You're totally committing a crime right now -- leaving the scene, aiding a criminal, etc. Tarzan says in Jane's ear: "I'm sorry." Holy cow, I can't stop laughing. What a perfect thing to say after dropping someone's boyfriend off a roof.
Night sky again with that infernal "tribal" music. More sirens. The cops are just now bringing those pesky prep-school kids into the station. They seem okay given that they got their asses kicked. The camera does an incredibly slow pan around the busy station until it finds Sam, who's sitting by the pouting Jane. Nobody is even slightly wet, by the way. Sam says that they can just "do this" tomorrow. Jane sniffs and says she wants to get this over with. It's how I felt about this recap. Man, I've been writing this forever! Sam recaps Jane's evening, from when she left the victim to search for the suspects. He asks Jane if she saw Michael at any point tonight. Jane says she didn't. Michael asks if there's anyone who could have done this to him. Jane lies again: "No," she says. Sam looks around and slams a piece of paper on his desk. "You listen to me," he says. "Mike was my friend. And I loved him too. And I swear to you I'm gonna find out who did this. And I don't care what rules or regulations or procedures I have to break to do it. I'm gonna do it. And when I do find them, huh. I promise." Okay. First of all, how do they know that he was thrown from the roof? And secondly, didn't they look on the roof to find out that there were shells from his gun all over the place? Where is Michael's gun, anyway? Can't they run it for prints? Has anyone even bothered actually investigating this mess? Because I think the kids saw Tarzan, and saw Michael shooting at Tarzan and then chasing after Tarzan. Oh, whatever. Blink, blink, blink. Jane doesn't seem too upset that she's lying to her partner and creating more work for the NYPD when they could be solving actual cases. Jane sniffs, which sparks off the Bad Closing Song of the Week. And, once again, she wanders over to a window, so that she can look out into the night. Blink, blink.
Shot of rain hitting a window. Tarzan appears. FINALLY, he's shirtless. And in a ponytail. He also stares out the window, at the same rain Jane's watching!
Jane blinks. Blinks. Blinks. The music is horrible.
Tarzan walks backward from the window. We can see that his arm is bandaged up. He sits against the bed, pouting, his knees obstructing our view of his chest. Tarzan pouts. Pouts. Pouts. Fade to black. Whoa. This does not bode well, friends.
week it looks like exactly the same shit happens: Sam's close to solving a case (something about a wild man with long hair and no shoes!), Clayton tries to find Tarzan, glass breaks, Tarzan leaps, rain falls, and Jane doesn't know what she's supposed to do. Take off your shirt, Tarzan! God! It's so simple! That's all you have to do! Please! Man.