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Well, Rob is now fully in control of his majority alliance and thus the game, so we get two eliminations in one episode because it's just that predictable that the old Onomatopoeia tribe will take out Zapato one by one. And that's exactly what they do, sending Mike and then David to Redemption Island despite Zapato's attempts to cause a division in the Cult of Rob (as Julie so accurately calls it) by insulting Phillip and offering Grant some fish. Boring, but this is what happens when you let a guy play this game for the fourth time with a bunch of people who have never played it at all.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Poor, poor Matt makes his way back to Redemption Island. He realizes that he's going to look like a moron on television for being voted out again, and says this is his own fault for trusting Rob not once, but twice. True. He also blames God, saying this is obviously His will but he doesn't really get it why. "You're using my stupidity for your glory," he says, which sounds a little bitter to me.
The morning at Camp Murlonio, the former Zapatos discuss Onomatopoeia's vote last night, which David is quick to give all the credit for to Rob. He interviews that what Rob did was "genius" and "a hit straight out of a mob movie." Oh my god, we already have Probst kissing Rob's ass during the five minute "previously on" segment; do we really need to get it from his opponents, too? Mike calls Rob over and praises him for eliminating Matt like that. Rob smiles and fake humbly says thank you. Julie, meanwhile, is still upset over how "cold-blooded" Rob and his tribe's vote was. "It's a game, but do you not have any feeling at all for a human being?" she asks. Whatever, Julie. You have added nothing to this season and thoroughly disappointed me. Sorry to be so cold-blooded about it, but it's true. Julie concludes that if Rob's tribe is going to play like that, then she and her tribe have no hope of breaking them up.
Ralph seems to have a different opinion, though, as he sidles up to Ashley and asks her if he's going to be voted out . Unfortunately, Ashley doesn't understand Ralph's thick Southern accent, so communication is difficult. Natalie strolls up to listen in, and both girls refuse to tell Ralph anything about what their tribe is planning, claiming they have no idea. Ralph persists, saying he'll vote for Ashley at the end and not Rob. Ashley maintains that there's nothing Ralph can do or say to change things. Ralph interviews that his tribe is basically stuck and there's no way for them to play this game when no one on the other tribe will play with them.
That's because Rob has rounded them all up to give them the plan for now until all the Zapatos have been voted out: they don't make any decisions on who to vote out until the last minute and they aren't allowed to talk to anyone on the other tribe or go anywhere without an Onomatopoeia buddy. Ha! Who gets stuck with Phillip? They do a quiet group cheer and Rob interviews that voting Matt out last night solidified his alliance and he is going to continue to do everything he can to keep his alliance separate from the other tribe so as to minimize any chance that someone will flip. To that end, they have separate shelters, separate eating times, and Rob wants his tribe to hate the others and be arrogant and cocky in their assumed supremacy over them. He, of course, will not be obnoxious to the other tribe members because then he thinks they'll vote for him at the end, like they're all so stupid that they can't see the way the other tribe is treating them is entirely Rob's fault.
Natalie meets with Rob in the woods and tells him about Ralph's conversation with Ashley, saying that he promised Ashley he'd vote for her at the end instead of Rob and that when Natalie asked Ashley if she was going to tell Rob about this, Ashley said he "doesn't need to know." Rob thanks Natalie for telling him this, and Natalie may have just totally played Rob, saying all the right things to activate his paranoia and putting her firmly above Ashley in his mind. Rob interviews that Ralph won't have a chance to vote for Ashley at the end because he's going to make sure she isn't sitting there, which is her punishment for not being honest with Rob. "You have to tell me everything. It's my game. I'm in charge," Rob says, starting to sound a lot like Li'l Russell.
And just like that, ten minutes into the episode, we're at an immunity challenge. Which means that either the immunity challenge lasts like a half hour, there's a lot of post-challenge scheming ahead, or they crammed two boring episodes into one. Probst begins by noting Phillip's new feather, which is sticking out of the front of his headband. "Did you have a collision with a hawk?" he asks. You know, Douche used to wear feathers in his hair all the time. I'll bet he's sitting at home right now watching this and plotting to kill Phillip for ripping off his act. Phillip treats Probst's question like a serious one and says he did not run into a hawk. Instead, he meditated and asked for a sign and then the feather appeared out of thin air. "Literally out of thin air?" Probst asks, enjoying this very much. Phillip says that yes, it was out of thin air. Shame on the Survivor camera crew for not catching that amazing moment, then. Probst says it sounds like things will work out well for Phillip today. Phillip says it won't just be good for him, but for his entire alliance, "the former Otempo -- Otempay tribe." His tribe is not called either of those names, but no one bothers to correct him. Ralph only wishes he could misspell names like Phillip mispronounces them.
Probst explains the challenge. There are three stages. First, all contestants dig to find a club they will use to break a tile. The first six to do that get to stick their heads in a tub of water and suck up as much water as they can, then crawl under the tub and spit the water out into a tube. The first three people to fill the tube past a line move on to the third and final around, another one of those tricky-looking block puzzles. The first person to solve it wins immunity. The challenge begins. Rob and Grant are the first to get their clubs, smashing the tiles one after the other and sending tile shards all over Probst, who clearly loves it. Ralph and Mike are the two to finish. David gets fifth place, and Julie gets her club but decides to delay her win slightly by walking over to the other side of the tile to smash it for some reason. Was she trying to hit all the losing contestants with tile shards? Weird.
Grant continues his dominance in the second round, being the first to spit water into his tube. Probst praises his skill and speed. He really seems to enjoy watching men with their mouths full of liquid spitting into tubes. I'm just saying. Like the first round, Grant is the first to move on. Mike gets the second spot, while Julie's tube isn't even half full yet, so there's probably little hope for her. Probst screams at the contestants to "DIG!" which has become his favorite thing to yell during challenges, even when they don't involve any actual digging. Rob's spit doesn't reach the line, giving David the chance to grab the third spot in the final round. This is great news for David, since it's a puzzle and he's always telling us how good he is at those. Now he can finally prove it! Probst calls go, and puzzle-solving ensues. Mike's block tower looks nearly complete, but he can't seem to figure out where to put the pieces that make up the very top. Meanwhile, Grant suddenly has his puzzle almost entirely completed. David is nowhere close to them. Grant calls Probst over to check out his puzzle, and Probst proclaims him the winner. That means that David, the puzzle expert and lawyer, just got bested by a football player. HAHAHAHA!
Murlonio return to camp. Mike is very disappointed about coming in second again and figures someone from his tribe will be going home tonight, probably him. He says they'll need a miracle, and then thinks he might have found it when he notices that the tribe flagpole moved while they were all at the challenge. He points it out to David, and they start to dig, hoping to find an idol. After a while, Rob notices them and commands his troops to the flagpole to dig, too. David sees them coming and mutters "let's screw with them" to Mike. Phillip sprints up and starts digging around. Andrea is behind him, looking sheepish because she knows how silly this is. "We're just looking for rocks," Mike lies. Rob soon arrives with a bunch of shovels, and the digging begins in earnest as Mike and David observe. David interviews that he and Mike had already realized there was not idol to be found in the sand, who it was fun to watch Rob and the "Mariano crime family syndicate" waste their time and energy digging several feet down for nothing. Mike chuckles in an interview that Rob may be thinking that he or David already managed to dig up and find an idol before he got there. Sure enough, Rob interviews that after an idol ruined his game last time, he can't be too careful about them or too paranoid. So now he's hesitant to tell his tribe to vote for the obvious boot, Mike, because if Mike does have an idol and plays it, it could take Rob out of the game.
Rob pretends that who to vote out tonight is a group decision by asking his allies who they want to vote for. Phillip suggests Ralph, because he's ridiculous. Rob suggests David, because he is a mental threat even though he sucks at puzzles. But he also wants to send someone to Redemption Island who will beat Matt. With seemingly nothing decided, Rob grabs Grant's hand and reminds them all that the buddy system is still in play. Ashley whines that she has to go to the bathroom. "Go with a buddy," Rob says.
The tribe arrives at Tribal, with Phillip still wearing his magic hawk feather. Probst, of course, asks him about it, saying that it apparently worked its magic and gave Phillip's tribe good luck. Except that Phillip didn't even make it past the first round. It doesn't take much to set Phillip off, though, so he says that his great-great grandfather was a full-blooded Cherokee and he popped up in Phillip's meditation and told him that someone from Onomatopoeia would win today and that everyone from his tribe would "live long in Survivor lore." Too bad Phillip's great-great grandfather couldn't tell him the correct way to pronounce his tribe's name. Also, Natalie is not living long in Survivor lore. Even if she wins this thing, we will forget about her in like ten minutes. And finally, how did Phillip know that was his great-great grandfather anyway? I have no idea what my great-great grandfather looked like, so if he wandered into a dream or something I would think he was some kind of weirdo dream invader pervert and yell at him to leave.
Probst turns to Mike and points out the obvious: with six Onomatopoeia members to Zapato's five, he's kind of screwed. Mike agrees that he is. He doesn't have much more to say about it than that, so Probst asks Julie if she knows who is on the bottom of Onomatopoeia's totem pole and thus most likely to flip. Julie says the bottom person is "obvious" to her and her tribe, even though he seems to be totally oblivious. That person, of course, is Phillip. "I enjoy being on the bottom," Phillip responds as David giggles. "It's a nice place to be. You can look up and see what's going on." He reminds us that he has like 15 siblings and he was on the bottom of that family, too, so he's used to it. He puts his arms around Rob and Grant's shoulders and says they are his "new family." "Matt thought you guys were his family too," Julie says. And that would be a great point to make, if only she wasn't trying to make it to people who are stupid/crazy/brainwashed.
Probst asks Ralph if there's any way in to the Onomatopoeia alliance, because it doesn't seem like it right now. Ralph says he'll keep trying, and maybe a feather will appear out of thin air for him soon. Phillip does not like this at all, and responds disgustedly: "it takes courage and determination and knowing when to hold your tongue to get a feather." "Oh," Ralph says. It's too bad that Rob won't let Phillip speak to anyone from the other tribe, because that exchange was hilarious, especially in an episode as boring and slow as this one was. Ralph says that Phillip is so noble that maybe time, an entire bird will appear out of thin air for him. Probst asks Mike how he feels about Phillip's feather, because this is what we've been reduced to. Mike says he thinks Phillip is insecure within his alliance and himself. I guess they've given up on trying to win Phillip over to their alliance and are just going to alienate him now and hope he does something insane and has to be taken out of the game. Sure enough, Phillip lists off his accomplishments, including working for "three separate agencies," and David can't take it anymore. "Just give it up!" he says; "you sound like a lunatic." David, on the other hand, believes he sounds like "an educated individual." Wrong! Phillip says he sounds like someone who is at the bottom of a cesspool. "Phillip never ceases to amaze me," Steve puts in. I think he's kind of trying to be nice there, but Phillip tells him to keep being amazed as he leaves the game and Phillip is still in it.
Probst decides to put an end to The Phillip Show and asks if Zapato has a guess about who is going home tonight. David cheekily says he thinks it will be one of the five Zapatos. Julie giggles. Phillip nods solemnly. Probst sends everyone off to vote. Steve vote for Phillip, calling him "one odd duck." Phillip's feather hits the voting hut doorway but we don't see how he, or anyone else in his alliance, vote. Because it's pretty freaking obvious that they're going for Mike. I mean, it's not even a question. Probst returns with the urn, no one plays an idol, and Rob smiles smugly. Probst reads off four votes for Phillip and one vote for "Philite," which doesn't even make sense as a misspelling of his name, Ralph, as Phillip smiles and looks arrogantly unconcerned. Sure enough, the six votes are for Mike. Yawn. Probst sends him to Redemption Island and tells Zapato that they have to "keep digging," because, again, Probst loves to say "digging" this season. Clearly the editors couldn't dig up an hour of interesting footage for Mike's boot episode, so they had to put two episodes in one.
Murlonio return to camp, and Rob makes sure to suck up to Phillip and congratulate him on his Tribal Council performance. "You were a soldier out there tonight," he says, then hugs Phillip and whispers in his ear that he is not at the bottom of this alliance, but at the top. "I know that," Phillip grins. But is Rob talking out of his ass? Not so much, as he interviews that Phillip is loyal and seemingly can't be turned by arguments from the other tribe that he's at the bottom of his alliance. Rob says he will "reward" Phillip for his obedience and loyalty. Rob is getting way too confident here. I'm looking forward to his inevitable downfall. He says Phillip is probably playing up a lot of his craziness, but "he is a little crazy." And that makes him someone Rob wants to bring to the end.
The morning, it's raining, but Phillip gets up to prepare rice or coffee for his tribemates and serve it to them in bed. He interviews that he knows everyone else thinks he's crazy and naïve, just like he knows that this is a game and everyone thinks he can win it against someone like Phillip. He says he knows Rob well enough by now to know that he is an especially attractive Final Three player to him. Sometimes Phillip seems to be insightful and smart and putting this all on as an act, but other times he's just as crazy and naïve as everyone thinks he is. Therefore, I have no idea what he's about anymore. I only know that he's not a Federal Agent. He's still promising us that he's going to make a move, but says now is not the time for one.
Ralph believes it is the time for him, and talks to David about talking to someone on Onomatopoeia about how they have to turn against Rob now or else he'll win the million. David thinks Ralph should be careful and wait until the right time, because he'll only get one chance to talk to the other tribe. "Don't do something stupid," David warns. "All right," Ralph shrugs, then interviews that he has to start playing this game before it's too late. He gets his chance when he and David are around the firepit with Phillip and Andrea. Phillip starts talking about how important and awesome it is that his alliance has stuck together like this, and Ralph agrees that is important -- until the merge. Then, Ralph says, you have to play for yourself and yourself only. "You wanna win the million, or you wanna let Rob win it?" Ralph asks. Phillip says he doesn't want to talk about this. Andrea says nothing. So that means Phillip, who is the wrong person to be approached, is being talked to by the wrong person to do the approaching. Predictably, it goes nowhere and only alienates Zapato from Onomatopoeia even more. David complains that no one wants to play this game, so it's not very fun and there's nothing he can do except hope he isn't voted out . I don't think we've ever seen an alliance as solidly together as Onomatopoeia, which is impressive. Then again, we've never had someone play this game four times before, either. And against a bunch of people who never played it at all. Still, what Rob has managed to do is impressive, if really boring.
The tribe arrives at their immunity challenge. Phillip is not wearing his feather. I'm disappointed. Probst explains the challenge: there's a bar suspended over a pool of water and each contestant must hold onto that bar for as long as he can. If people are still left after 20 minutes, they will only be allowed to use their legs to hold onto the bar. The last person left wins immunity. Also, there is a pile of cheeseburgers at a nearby table. If someone feels secure enough about his place in the game to forgo the challenge entirely, he can have as many of them as he can eat until the challenge ends. Only two people go for the food: Steve and Phillip. I'm guessing Phillip figures he's safe enough tonight that he can indulge himself, whereas Steve doesn't think he has a chance to win this and might as well get some real food into his system.
The challenge begins. Phillip and Steve load up their burgers and dig in. Steve says they taste amazing. Probst says they'd better, because they could cost him a million dollars. Meanwhile, Rob seems to be having trouble already staying on the bar. He tries to get into a better position, but ultimately falls into the water. He is not pleased to lose so soon, and to have to spend the rest of the challenge sitting to the burgers he can't eat. Phillip is being an asshole, so he cheers his teammates on and says David seems to be faring poorly, as his head is "turning blue." David deadpans that he's happy to have Phillip's concern. Probst says it seems like David and Phillip don't like each other. David says he doesn't have any problems with Phillip, who says he has many problems with David. Probst asks David if he'll be friends with Phillip when this is done. "Best friends," David says.
Twenty minutes and five burgers later, it's time for the contestants to switch to hanging on by their legs only. While Grant chooses to hang from his knees, David and Ralph suspend themselves by using one leg to lock in the other over the bar. Julie doesn't do anything, as she was pretty much done for as soon as her arms were off the bar. She's the second contestant to drop out. Grant and Ralph soon follow her, leaving David against the three Onomatopoeia women. Ashley, meanwhile, is holding onto her feet with her arms, which somehow doesn't count as using your arms to help you hold on. That doesn't seem fair.
David moves his arms, and Phillip tells the women that he's "making little adjustments." "It's called scratching my ass," David fires back. 45 minutes in, the three women are all using their arms to keep their legs locked in. David is in pain and struggling. The women don't seem to be having much trouble. Phillip starts talking about how David's leg will soon be "decapitated," but David is in too much pain to make any witty retorts. Finally, he falls. The women talk amongst themselves over who gets to win the now-pointless immunity. Andrea says she would really like to win it, so Natalie and Ashley fall and give Andrea the win. Poor David climbs out of the water and staggers over to the bench, hardly able to walk after the challenge. Phillip and Rob both congratulate him on his efforts, which is easy for them to do now that he lost and so his efforts won't ruin their game plan. The women don't seem to have nearly as much difficulty walking. Probst gives Andrea her immunity necklace and says whoever is voted out tonight will join Matt and Mike on Redemption Island, which is starting to get crowded.
The tribe return to camp. Phillip gives his usual post-challenge speech, which the editors cut off right after it starts in favor of a Rob interview where he says winning is still important for his tribe this late in the game, because it keeps all of their spirits up and means Zapato can't even begin to get any momentum. Momentum-less Ralph decides to check on the fishing net, which is apparently just laying there on the rocks near the water without anyone so much as trying to use it to catch fish. Sure enough, he finds plenty of fish stuck in the net. Rob goes down to check it out, asking if the fish are alive or dead. They're dead, so Rob says they are not good to eat. He holds one up and points out how stiff it is, meaning it's been dead for a while and thus has gone bad. Ralph thinks the fish are still good to eat, pointing out that he once caught some fish on the riverbank and they'd been dead for three hours before he was able to get back to camp to cook them. I'm not sure who is right here; I probably wouldn't eat fish that had been dead and lying out in the sun for hours unless I was starving, which these people all are. Julie suspects that Rob is trying to convince his tribe that the fish are bad because he doesn't want them to have anything to do with Zapato or take anything from them.
Zapato cook up their dead fish and dig in. Onomatopoeia lie in the shelter and watch, Grant looking particularly hungry. Rob interviews that he is the general and his alliance is the army, and they all must be loyal soldiers and do as they're told. But wait! What is this? Grant decides to help himself to Zapato's generous offer of fish, interviewing that he's hungry and he needs the food, no matter what Rob says. "I'm my own man, I make my own decisions," he claims. And then, as Julie offers Grant more fish, Rob calls him back over to the Onomatopoeia shelter and Grant makes his own decision to fall in line with Rob. Zapato comments that Rob's control over his alliance is pretty amazing and it's obvious that no one will even think about crossing him.
Rob says tonight's decision is between David, a possible challenge threat and strategist, and Steve, who is barely hanging on and tells Ralph he doesn't know how much longer he can last. Rob says voting Steve out when he wants to go so badly could be a "mercy kill" that gets Rob a jury vote. And that's basically all the suspense we're going to get going into Tribal, as Rob and his loyal soldiers have made this game very boring and obvious. Part of me likes that, because this is what the producers deserve for putting Rob back on the show for a fourth freaking time, while another part of me would have preferred a more exciting and unpredictable season. Oh well.
We still have Phillip to provide us with entertainment. Probst asks if the feather he's wearing tonight is the same one from before. Phillip says it certainly is. Probst asks if he's been meditating lately. This somehow leads Phillip to talk about the "highly effective and beauteous and glorious operation" that is his alliance. "It's called STEALTH!" he begins. "R," Rob sighs. "Us," Grant reluctantly concludes. They are so embarrassed right now. Also, does Phillip know what "stealth" means? Because he's talking about everything his alliance has done and will do right now. He says he's the "specialist," and his job is to infiltrate the "former Zapara - Zapatera tribe." Does Phillip have a learning disability or something? How is he this bad with names? Especially the name of his own tribe. He continues that Rob is "the mentalist," and Grant is "the assassin" and "the destroyer of aspirations." As for the three women who are in their alliance, they also have a name now: "the Three Degrees," who clearly have no idea what Phillip is talking about but are enjoying listening to it all the same as long as they don't burst out laughing in Phillip's face.
"Wow," Probst says, asking Ralph how he can possibly beat something like Stealth R Us (and the Three Degrees!). Ralph wonders if Phillip's great-great grandfather appeared to him in a meditation and told him not to bother with the challenge in favor of eating hamburgers. Oooh, burn! But Phillip says his tribemates know who he is and what he contributes to their efforts, so he's not worried what they think of him for sitting out the challenge. Probst asks Steve why he chose to sit out. Steve says he didn't think he had a chance to win immunity, so he took the food. Boring! Probst turns back to Phillip and asks him if anyone from the other tribe is trying to find a crack in his alliance. Phillip says they are, but his alliance is too strong with their "highly effective" buddy system. Probst grins like an idiot over this phrase and repeats it. Julie says no one from the other tribe is ever alone. "Rob has complete control over them. It's not even a tribe. It's a cult," she says. Rob does not seem to appreciate Julie's words, but neither he nor anyone else in his cult say anything.
Probst asks David if the only thing left for Zapato's members is to hope it isn't one of them tonight. David says that yeah, things are "virtually insurmountable" for his tribemates, which is why Redemption Island is looking like an attractive option. Maybe people would be trying harder to stay in this game if they didn't have that to fall back on. Redemption Island sucks. With that, they vote. David votes for Rob by writing his name down four times and asking if that can count as four votes. "Hopefully, this works," he laughs. For the second time this episode, Phillip's feather knocks into the roof of the voting booth as he enters. Probst returns with the urn, no one plays an idol, and Onomatopoeia smile as the futile votes for Rob are read. David's comes up, and Probst says it will only count as one vote, not the four he requested. David can't help but claim credit for his witty little vote, saying he had to try. And then the rest of the votes are for him, sending him to Redemption Island. "Anything can happen," Probst tells the remaining contestants. I kind of doubt that, though. I have a feeling the three votes are going to be pretty boring. I hope I'm wrong.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, follow her on Twitter, or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.