Previously on Skull Muggery: the entire season, which consisted of a very short-lived gimmick followed by what's been a fairly conventional and straightforward game, except for the inclusion of Shane, who is legitimately crazy. There were originally sixteen people, and we are only rid of six. That news is just as unwelcome as you would think. With ten left, it's obviously time to reminisce, which is a good thing, given the way it coincides with the beginning of the NCAA tournament.
The clip show begins with a mishmash of new footage that the producers would like you to believe will broaden your understanding of events such as President Beefcake's alienation from the proletariat and the trials that Anonymous Lumberjack Lady went through when she was on the island for, like, five minutes before becoming the first bootee. It also threatens to show a lot of people singing at random, which is a reunion/clip-show staple. It's like there's one guy who always wants to put the singing in the show, and he always gets outvoted, and then they take pity on him when they're cutting the filler show together. His most frustrating job would be working on American Idol. Anyway, the singing here is so bad that lizards flee, incidentally, but don't let that make you think it might have been better left on the cutting-room floor. Also, there's something about territoriality and soap, and something about lunatics, and primal yoga screams. And: "Highlights" of the first two weeks on the island. Because the show has been running since the beginning of February, and now it's the middle of March, and they're afraid you have forgotten everything. You are the Memento guy, and you have "FIRE REPRESENTS LIFE" tattooed on your arm.
We get the super-short credits, which is hilarious, given that this entire show is filler. It's like they're afraid they won't be able to quite cram in all the filler they need to share with you before the end of the hour. This filler wasn't important enough to include during weeks with full credits, but now, we must shorten the credits to accommodate it. Clearly, this is not a way to extend the length of the season -- it is a way to right wrongs.
Travel back in time with us. Everyone landed on the island, and the four tribes thing happened. The young women lost, and they had to throw somebody to Exile Island. Our first "New Scene" (so labeled for those who are making wise use of their DVRs at this point and cannot tell one shot of dirty people whining from another when it's flying by at eight times the broadcast speed) takes place at the Young Women's camp, where the ladies are spending their first day trying desperately to get a coconut open. Loopy music conveying a general feeling of ineptitude plays as Courtney tries to hack open a coconut with a machete. Girls trying to do things that only boys should do makes for hilarious television. I also almost forgot until they run this clip that Courtney is a "Fire Dancer." She explains in an interview: "I eeehhm shaaaahked, at haa baaa-lee aaah-mm duuhh-eeeen, with the caaah-caaah-naaaah." Where are the subtitles when you need them to explain that she is shocked at how badly she's doing with the coconuts? She takes another hack, and then Chiclets interviews that they all were "expecting a male to be here" to do things like open coconuts. For one thing, Chiclets knows different males than I do, because I could take my five closest male friends, and only one of them strikes me as a sure bet to open a coconut. Several of them might be able to talk it into opening itself, but I don't associate with a lot of guys who make extensive use of the verb "to brandish" with regard to themselves. Surprisingly, the Younger Women don't turn out to entirely need a male; they just need a female with a little power behind her swing. Sally manages to bury the machete in the coconut, and once you get to that point, you're golden. Sally tells us that she worked construction one summer, so she loves to work with the machete. In fact, her favorite part of construction, she says, was demolition. (Insert an incredibly tacky after-the-fact divorce joke here, provided you don't mind that you will be instantaneously transported to hell and roasted slowly over a spit while being basted with barbecue sauce.) Once Sally gets the coconut open, the younger women all sit back and enjoy the milk.
Recall: at the older men's camp, Dan and Terry became flying friends. Shane was already beginning to suck, and he didn't think that everyone needed to work, and he was a three-pack-a-day smoker. Surprisingly, he believed that the three-pack-a-day-smoker demographic and the doesn't-need-to-work demographic should overlap on the Venn diagrams in his head that represented the members of the tribe.
New Scene. Pirate music left over from Pearl Islands plays as Tina (that's her name, Tina!) finds a collection of oysters clinging to a particular cluster of rocks. "That thing has been embedded in there for millions of years, I think," she says, looking at a particular oyster. Millions of years? Literally? Do oysters live for millions of years? I'm not sure I would eat million-year-old seafood, to be completely honest. She is very happy to find that under the shell -- which has only been there for millions of years and thus can be freely disturbed -- there's a nice hunk of meat just waiting to be peeled off the rock. As she nibbles it, Tina interviews, "I love oysters," and then she makes a sort of Charo/MeganMullally growling noise. Because, I guess, oysters are sexy and it was fun being married to Xavier Cugat and who really cares about story or character when you can have cool guest stars? Tina reveals to us that she made the decision to keep all of the oyster-finding entirely to herself. She didn't tell anyone. I think Tina was kind of misunderstood, myself, although in fairness, I feel the same way about Charo.
Another New Scene. At the Old Dudes Camp, Bruce is unable to sleep, so he goes out onto the beach to fight a hundred invisible enemies. No, I'm serious, he does. This is part of his karate practice, and the best part is that Dan tries to comprehend what he's doing and winds up explaining it to Shane approximately like, "Uhhh...buh." Watching Very Pale Dan -- who cannot explain anything more ethnic than a peanut butter sandwich -- trying to explain martial arts to Shane...well, suffice it to say it's like a Martian talking to a fungo. As for Bruce's battle with invisible enemies, it's unfortunate how it instantly calls to mind a classic Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode, and even more unfortunate how much I can't keep myself from sitting in my living room thinking, "Well, I could fight a hundred guys, too, if they were invisible." For his part, Shane refers to the moves as Bruce's "Wang Chungs." Which is, like, racist and dorky and dated, all at the same time. However, in what is undoubtedly my favorite Shane interview moment of the season, he adds, "I'm cool with that. I like odd people." Usually, I do, too, although Shane is an outlier.
Remember how Misty decided to tell her tribe that she had found the immunity idol? It turns out that she didn't do a very good job, because they didn't really believe her. In a New Scene, the four younger women sit around the fire, and Courtney interrogates Misty about how exactly she found the idol. She asks a lot of questions about exactly how long the digging took, exactly when it was found, and so forth. Misty mentions that she thinks Courtney is good at telling that Misty's lying because Courtney is so deceptive that she recognizes that Misty is not good at not being truthful. It's a great example of one of my least favorite interview snippets, which is, "I was just really too awesome to win." Courtney interviews that Misty definitely either does or does not have the idol. You know, depending. On whether she does or doesn't have it. For her part, Sally interviews that she's not buying it. She thinks that Chiclets and Courtney believe it, though.
Remember the part about Tina's dead son? And how awkward we all felt about being moderately glad that she was voted off so that we wouldn't have to watch conversations between her and Charlie all season? Yeah. And remember how Cirie maneuvered to save her own ass, even though she was the one who was afraid of leaves? Well, it worked. Interestingly, Tina interviews that she thinks that, on a conventional larger tribe, she wouldn't have been eliminated as quickly, because men would have been more likely to recognize the importance of her strength and her knowledge. I really...hope that isn't true.
New Scene. The older men are at their camp during a drowning rainstorm, and Bruce declares that he has some kind of an irritation on his hands, and that he's going to wash his hands with the drinking water. In spite of the fact that it is pouring down rain, and one would think that if you needed to rinse your hands, there might be an easier way than grabbing the drinking water. I've heard of "water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink," but I don't think I've ever heard "water, water, falling from the sky, and not a drop to rinse your hands." Bruce's answer to the suggestion that he wash his hands in the ocean is merely, "I'm not going in the water." That is not the most convincing argument of all time, there, Parched Guy. Shane interviews that this struck him as "unacceptable," particularly during a downpour. Why is Shane the most sensible person during these thirty seconds?
We enjoy a New Scene in which the younger women occupy themselves during the same rainstorm by singing. Courtney makes up a song in Spanish about the tribe, and what it lacks in rhythm, it makes up in pretentious atonality. It ends with a thing about how they all have a smile in their soul, so it's good to know that a driving rain can't kill a good bout of twee. Courtney interviews that the women on the tribe are all "into, like, learning new songs from foreign lands." As far as I know, Courtney's is not a song from a foreign land, as much as it is a collection of randomly intoned words that happen to be in Spanish. "L'Internationale" is a song from a foreign land. "Jeff Probst es mi amigo" would just be me humming to myself, even if I did it to the tune of "La Bamba." "They're just cooooo. Cooooo womeeeh," Courtney declares. The women sing. Sally thinks that all the singing is fun, too. These women haven't been on enough camping trips. Or Jamborees, or what-have-you.
Remember how Shane missed his son? And remember how there was the schoolyard pick that undid the gimmick practically right away? And remember how Bruce was the luckiest person ever banished? Back at Casaya after the fact, Shane created an alliance with a bunch of people he was destined to hate. Terry made an alliance with the other men, because men are awesome and girls are silly.
The New Scene involves the redemption of Cirie, who apparently went fairly quickly from being afraid of leaves to being perfectly willing to lick water directly from them, as she is doing here. The departed Melinda comments that she never expected water from leaves to be so delicious. She also frets about the fact that, at this point, Courtney and Chiclets had not had water in five days. If that's true, they are not too bright. Also, they are presumably pretty wrinkly.
Remember how Sally lost the spear? And how Melinda was thrown away because Shane's tribe worked hard to keep him from quitting? Maybe one of the best policy decisions of recent years not to come out of the Bush administration. Melinda says that the experience of being on the show was much harder than she expected, and gets in the usual dig at viewers for judging her from the comfort of home. I wish we could all just agree that this is well-covered territory. We are all lame, and you are all awesome, and you clearly have an objectivity that no one who hasn't become oversensitive and pissy on national television can possibly understand.
Remember how, at first, Bruce seemed more useful than he was obnoxious? And remember how he was immediately sent to Exile Island again when his team lost the challenge? Yeah, that was pretty funny.
While Bruce is gone, the tribe "enjoys" a tense New Scene in which President Beefcake argues that it was stupid to leave him out of a catching challenge when he had pointed out that he was a wide receiver. Chiclets somehow gets herself all wound up over the idea that, in order to win that spot, Beefcake needed to say more than that. And then she's slapping her palm like an angry PTA mom, explaining that people have to let the team know what they can do, or something. Beefcake retorts that Chiclets seemed to want to stand up on the beam for reasons of her own. Cirie interviews that this quickly degenerated on her non-functional team. "It's the reason why we're not winning," she says. It's not easy sucking. As President Beefcake explains that the team can't really expect him to chase a group of four people around to tell them everything, Shane haughtily says that Beefcake should admit that he's just unhappy because he's "on the outside." Beefcake accuses the team of acting like "seventh-grade girls," and in asking what that means, Shane refers to Bobby as "homey," apparently fairly determined to get himself killed by someone who is big enough to snap him in half without even using all ten fingers. Beefcake goes on to gripe about the negativity in the rest of the tribe and his tendency to stay away from everyone just in order to avoid it. Courtney thinks it would benefit Beefcake if he socialized with the tribe more, which is a stupid idea, because (1) it wouldn't; and (2) what fun would that be? Shane does his sensitive-guy act in an interview, saying that Bobby is feeling bad because he's on the outside of their awesome Alliance Of Four, which is, of course, going to hold together brilliantly and never make anyone grumpy except the people who are unlucky enough to be excluded from it. Shane looks almost like he has a little white hat on, like Wee Willie Winkie. Something about that comparison strikes me as instinctively apt.
Back around the fire, Aras reveals that he spent too many summers as a camp counselor when he tells everyone to let out all their negativity by yelling, and then they can all be happy. Shane is the only one who takes him up on it. There's a surprise. Even without the yelling, Aras goes ahead with his speech, which asserts that the game right now is a team game (not), and that the team needs to pull together (not). Aras, from his perch astride what he believes to be an unbeatable alliance, lectures in an interview that everyone else really ought to be more mature, because he's played lots of team sports, and he's never been on a team this bad. Of course, he probably wasn't on those teams with people from whom he intended to take away ultimate victory and ask them to smile and thank him. But, you know. Bygones!
Shane tells the unhappy Fireside Casayans that he thinks Aras should be their leader. Aras thinks that's a swell idea, as he explains in an interview. No one else is heard to comment. Now that is some real leadership!
We now revisit the Day 8 conflict over "Shane's Thinking Seat." It's really just as weird and dumb as it was the first time, and Cirie's growing realization that these nimrods may just eat each other is still pretty awesome.
Later, in a New Scene, we watch Casaya discuss the lack of food. Cirie explains to the camera that they've had nothing to eat today at all: "Whatever is the five levels up from hungry? That's what we are." The group descends on a snake slithering along the ground. Aras grabs the machete and finishes off the snake. We then get footage of the skinned snake roasting over the fire. Courtney is once again the Queen Of Animal Symbolism, explaining that snakes are often taken to represent transformation and healing. She thinks they should eat it only if they're going to "take in the snake energy." Cirie says in an interview that if Cirie wants to engage in bullshit of this nature, Cirie herself is happy to help if it means staying with the group. The group chomps down on the snake as Courtney thanks it for giving its life. I really do have a thing about not talking to my food as if it were alive. My favorite part of Courtney's attitude here is that if you eat something that has magical symbolism, you're apparently supposed to feel worse than if you eat something that is just itself. Like, "Don't eat that eagle! It represents truth! Eat the pigeon!" And the pigeon's all, "What do you represent, asshole? If you're going to eat something in anger, how about 'gangsta Hollywood'?"
We remember the incredibly awesome wrestling challenge. Oh, wrestling challenge. How I miss you already. La Mina lost; Misty went home. Misty interviews that she was shocked to be the first to go from her tribe. Misty should have done less idol-related scheming and substantially more predicting of her own ouster.
In what we are told is a New Scene at Casaya, although it has Old Scene vibes, Shane frets about leaving his son. It turns out that it is Shane's son's thirteenth birthday, and Shane is feeling like he shouldn't have left. In fact, he's crying about the fact that he shouldn't have left. I really think that if he had a cigarette, he wouldn't care. Shane tells us that his son's name is Boston, which explains why he has "Boston" tattooed on his boob. Well, it doesn't really explain it, but it is Shane's reason; we'll put it that way. Also, "Boston Powers." That is Shane's son's name. As if he doesn't have enough of an uphill battle as it is. Shane tells us: "I was twenty-one when I had him." Yeah, baby! (Because Boston Powers never hears that joke.) I'm sure that will come as a surprise to Boston's mother that Shane "had him" at twenty-one or any other age. He's a medical miracle, I tell you. Shane also explains that this experience, here on Day 9, has made him realize what's important, and that he's learned about himself. Mostly how awesome he is, no doubt. Later, Courtney gives Shane a bucking-up that he doesn't deserve about how he's a good dad, and that you can tell because of the tattoo. No, she really does basically say that. "I'm not the best dad in the world," Shane disagrees. "I'm the best dad in the world...for him." Eh. Less temper explosion. Shane and Courtney agree that they'll sing Boston "Happy Birthday" out here in the wilderness. Apparently, the show was willing to get the rights from the estate of Mildred and Patty Hill ("It took two people to write that song?"). The post-singing interviews indicate that people found this to be a bonding experience; I can only pay attention to the fact that it is probably the worst, least tuneful rendition of "Happy Birthday" I have ever heard, and that is saying a lot. I don't think Mildred and Patty Hill even own the copyright if you're going to sing it like that. John Cage, maybe.
At La Mina, Dan adopted Ruth Marie into the boys' club, which left Sally the odd person out. At the reward challenge, Casaya won the potty. Terry went to Exile Island. Aras wanted to use the bathroom to store wood; Bobby wanted to use it to not be a gentleman.
In one of only a few New Scenes taking place at La Mina, we watch as Austin and Sally bond. Sally explains that she isn't close to her parents, because she's divorced (or divorcing) and they're very strictly religious and basically won't speak to her or about her. "That's so ridiculous I can hardly believe it; I'm so sorry," Austin says sadly, which is pretty much just the right thing to say. For her own part, Sally interviews tearfully that her parents don't really know how to handle the fact that she's divorced, but she hopes that at some point, they'll be able to be close again. That's really sad; one of those random things that pops up in a show like this that there's sort of nothing to say anything about. If true, this means that Sally's parents suck. Huh. Turns out I had that much to say. Austin explains that he and Sally have now bonded, so he's going to try to get the group to keep her instead of Ruth Marie.
Remember how Terry found the idol on Exile Island? Me too. Remember how Chiclets didn't work enough for Shane's liking? La Mina lost the immunity challenge, and thanks to the intervention of Austin, the guys sent Ruth Marie home instead of Sally. Ruth Marie interviews that although she certainly was disappointed not to have the alliance she thought she had, "it's not a game of honor. It's a game of deception." She laughs, and you can sort of tell she actually means this, unlike all the people who have said basically the same thing over the years, only with great bitterness. Ruth Marie has learned the best lesson about reality-show fame -- enjoy your moment, don't turn into a dick, and hope for the best. If only others were so wise.
New Scene. Casaya. Cirie and Chiclets gather up sticks for the fire; Bobby is asleep. Chiclets complains in an interview about the work Bobby doesn't do. "For his size, I feel like he should have more strength," she says, as if the tribe hasn't already called her out for not working her own self. Cirie comes over to the shelter and carefully wakes Bobby up, asking him to come and help out with the fire. He says that he'll try, and crawls out of bed. Now, Cirie and Chiclets sit back and watch President Beefcake try to get the fire going. His chosen, highly passive-aggressive method of dealing with his resentment of Chiclets in particular is that he starts asking questions -- lots and lots of questions -- about what he's supposed to do. Chiclets says, "Just keep sticking little pieces of wood in there." Beefcake: "In here?" Chiclets: "Yeah." Beefcake: "Where the fire is?" At this point, Cirie catches on to the sarcasm and backs off. Chiclets does not. Beefcake interviews that, indeed, "[Chiclets], in her fatigued and dumb state, apparently thought I was serious. She apparently thought that I really couldn't figure out that I was supposed to be putting the sticks on top of the fire." When Chiclets doesn't figure it out, Beefcake just keeps prodding her, repeating little questions about whether he should put the sticks on the fire -- right here? On the fire? -- and she still doesn't get it. Embarrassingly for Chiclets, she even gives an indignant interview about how stupid Beefcake was for not being able to figure out how to build the fire. Oh, Chiclets. What's more, she says that her reason for why he should have been able to do it is that "he's a guy." That is such an awesome argument. Either way, Chiclets gets impatient and takes over, meaning that Beefcake winds up back in bed, where he wanted to be all along. Does she still not get it, do you suppose?
In yet another New Scene, we learn that when Casaya went to make use of its soap, the girls decided that they wanted to segregate the soap so that they wouldn't have to use the same grubby soap as the boys. Apparently, they have not learned from Chandler Bing that the great thing about soap is that "it's self-cleaning." In fact, Courtney complains that the soap has hairs on it, which...why should the men have to deal with each other's hair and you shouldn't? What sense does that make? Just tell hairy people to take the hairs off the soap. How hard is that? Instead, Courtney brings the soap to the group, wrapped in a twee, The-Body-Shop kind of way in green leaves, and tells them that this one that's all wrapped up is the girls' soap. Shane rather sensibly refers to this as a plan of "lunatics." Given how much I can't stand Shane, you can imagine how much it pains me to tell you that I find it a little bit funny when he goes way out of his way to make sure they know that he is washing his ass by sliding their bar of soap around in it. It's gross, but they just couldn't deserve it any more than they do. I want to see Courtney wash with that bar of soap. She'll take off a quarter-inch layer of it first.
The tribes competed at a reward challenge, Casaya got food, and Terry went back to Exile Island. Casaya had a flood at their house. They ate raw fish, but no one died. Bruce and Bobby sucked down a bottle of wine in the outhouse, which was basically Bobby's way of going down in a blaze of glory. Then La Mina won immunity, and Casaya sent Bobby home. Bobby interviews that he was thrown off by a bloc of weaklings, which is true.
Shane wanted out of the alliance; no one argued with him. Sally was trying to preserve herself if she possibly could. Casaya won the challenge, and they protected Sally from the boot by sending her to Exile Island. Backs to the wall, the remains of La Mina collapsed all over Very Pale Dan, and he was sent packing. Meanwhile, Casaya ate a lot of food, and Shane went back to smoking. He tried to sell reconciliation to Chiclets, but it's not clear at all whether she was buying. Dan says in his interview that he had an awesome time. Well, he would. Thus, the old boys' club was destroyed, and women had to be let in to play golf, and Geena Davis reallywasthe president. I insist these things are true.
Now, Jeff explains, we are down to ten. Doesn't that seem like...a lot? He promises that risks will get greater, and we are once again promised a medical emergency that might force someone to leave. The show is about to return, so you had better be ready. That's Terry and Aras scrapping in week's episode, and either one of them getting poked in the eye would be pretty much okay with me.