Breakdown

Previously on Four On The Floor Of The EEOC: the tribes were divided by gender and age, because dividing them by race, religion, and disability would have resulted in uneven numbers. Jeff announced the existence of Exile Island, where bad Survivors would be sent to think about what they had done. (And, if they are like my nephew Little A, rearrange all the shoes they can find, which is how we learned that it's a bad idea to time-out Little A in Grandma's room.) Over at Old Dude HQ, Terry was from fighter jets and Very Pale Dan was from NASA, while Shane was straight off the grungy-ass bottom of an ashtray. The older women predictably lost the first immunity challenge, and although Tina was a lumber-sports bad-ass while Cirie was afraid of leaves, the tribe decided that Tina should go home and Cirie should stay around to confront her fears. Everywhere, fans sarcastically golf-clapped. Fifteen are left! We've barely gotten started! Who will go ? Hotcha!

Credits. Wait, there's a theme, I think. And it's...skulls? Yeah, I think it's skulls! Skulls, I say!

It is Night 3. There is lightning and thunder. Everyone is trying to stay out of the rain, but the Older Men are finding their shelter "somewhat useless," as Shane puts it. And he would know from "somewhat useless." In a night-vision interview, he informs the camera, as water streams down, that they're stuck in a "torrential" storm, and that their canopy wasn't good enough, so they're getting soaked. He refers to this as "bad luck," and I'm really not sure what part of it would be considered "luck," either good or bad. And then, just as he complains, "This place breeds [or possibly 'breathes'] bad luck," a giant bolt of lightning and simultaneous boom of thunder startle him and his camera guy. He hasn't even been out here a week, and he's already dodging thunderbolts. You can tell God is like, "You think the tribe has spoken?"

Over at Young Dude HQ, things are also very sloppy and wet. President Beefcake has decided to take advantage of the situation by drinking some of the rainwater dripping off one particular leaf, but for the rest of them, it's pretty much an explosion of complaining. They've concluded that they'll have to do some work if they intend to have a shelter that can withstand storms like the one they're experiencing right now. Maybe Aras can make them all stick their hands in the middle of a circle, and maybe that will cause a rain barrier to spontaneously form. Can you smell the patchouli? Somebody with a piece of clothing pulled over his face in a way I find intensely creepy says something about how they're "dying, fellas!," and I find that I don't care, because I've done enough math to know that "being rained on" is not in fact greater than or equal to "dying."

When morning comes to Old Lady HQ and Day 4 is upon us, Cirie sits and ponders whether today will be the day she learns to conquer her vegetaphobia. Right now, she is practicing dealing with her hostility to plants by setting some on fire with the flint the tribe received. Ruth Marie and Melinda kibitz and blow. (And no, you may not name your band Kibitz and Blow, because that is the name of my upcoming vaudeville act in which I play half of an uncoordinated ice-dancing team.)

Jeff explains that it's now time for the reward challenge, which essentially requires the entire team to race through an obstacle course, the gimmick being that there are long wooden snakes tied to various things along the way, and one person has to carry all the snakes for the team as it makes its way through the course. The reward for winning will be the traditional fishing kit -- the spear, the hooks, the net, the mask, and other things Rupert would really rather you just let him handle. Oh, and a raft, which is nice. What's hilarious is that Jeff makes the teams announce what he calls their "snake-wranglers." La Mina has chosen Nick, while Casaya has chosen Courtney. I have to think that she's going to hear "Hey, snake-wrangler!" a few times after she gets home. I know my friends would not disappoint in that regard if it were me.

Ready? Go! The teams go through their obstacle course. The best part is that, late in the course, they have to hunt through a pile of leaves for a couple of snakes. Leaves! Leaves, leaves! It's like they have designed this course to exploit Cirie's worst fears. Okay, that's the second best part. The actual best part is where Shane falls and racks himself. There isn't much to report otherwise, but La Mina just seems to find the last couple of snakes more quickly, so they get the victory. Jeff sends Casaya back to the former Old Lady HQ, and he sends La Mina back to the former Old Dude HQ with their fishing reward.

Later, we join Casaya at their camp. It is still Day 4, and President Beefcake is planting the team flag. (Nothing dirty intended.) Shane takes a swim out in the water with a bunch of his new tribemates, and he complains bitterly about how the guys he was with before just wouldn't stop working and trying to survive and stuff. So annoying! He also never felt like he belonged with old guys anyway. "I'm thirty-four going on twelve!" he declares, making the critical mistake of now understanding that certain things are only funny when they're not true. He voices over that his mood has improved dramatically since he changed tribes. On his old tribe, he thought about leaving a lot, and now he never thinks about leaving. Never! Must be his old tribe's fault! He also calls himself "young for [his] age in the way that [he thinks] about life." Ah, yes. It's the "I embrace my emotional infancy; you should, too!" way of thinking. I just love that. LOVE it. Because really, is there anything cuter than adults who are preoperative? They're like wee pandas! You want to kiss and hug them! ["I bet you a dollar that Shane is the kind of person who claims that his 'kid' is his best friend, and that his kid will move out the day after he graduates high school and call Shane once a year after that." -- Wing Chun]

The tribe checks out the existing shelter -- which Tina undoubtedly built before she was unceremoniously ejected -- and they all admire the work that went into it and the fact that it manages to keep people dry, which is more than anyone else can say for their shelters. In an interview, Cirie sighs and heaves everything she's got as she explains that her camp has been "invaded." She goes on to explain that some of the new people are okay, but Courtney is "like" and "you know," and then we see footage of Courtney in a truly nauseating conversation with somebody or other in which she is confronted about being "Hollywood" and giggles that she's "like, gangsta Hollywood, man." Yes, she is "gangsta Hollywood." With the...colonic racketeering, I guess. She could not have alienated me more than she did with the phrase "gangsta Hollywood" if she had put a curse on my dog. Unless, of course, the curse included the phrase "gangsta Hollywood." For Melinda's part, she thinks it's just clear that she and Cirie don't fit in with the rest of the group. This is also where, apropos of nothing, we get our best shot of the weird way Shane walks, like there's a corncob stuck up his rear. I seriously do not get what that's about. Oh, and then Shane says that it's fun "having girls around." Because he loves the ladies! Gets along with the females! Is down with the fillies!

And...look, I am sorry, because I am not making fun of the way Cirie looks. I am making fun of the way Cirie dresses. There is no excuse for bringing that extremely small halter bathing suit as her suit for Survivor. It's not just that it offers no support; it's also insanely too small for her, given the size of her chest. It is the most senseless and distracting garment ever brought on this show. And that's on top of the fact that, as stated, it offers absolutely and totally no support, and I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it must be. (By which I mean, "I can totally imagine how uncomfortable it must be, and, ow.") In fact, what's interesting is that if you look at Cirie's body in profile, if she were wearing a proper suit, she wouldn't look like that big of a lady, but she looks like a very big lady, because she's popping out of her clothes and everything is all zoinging around willy-nilly. She's just not dressing her chest. It's upsettingly unflattering.

Consider the mighty iguana, how he struts and frets his hour upon the stage.

Shane is near Courtney and Danielle when he decides to declare that there is to be an alliance among the three of them and Aras. No questions! No wondering! No backing out! No negotiations! Just an impenetrable alliance to the end! He specifically asks that the entire thing not be "dramatic." Ha ha ha! Awesome. No drama, that Shane. He haaates drama. He explains in an interview how he wanted to just "lock in" so that they'd be all done. Lock in, suckas! Ride Shane all the way to the end! Watch him go, ladies! "I swear to you on my son's life," he says to Aras and the girls, "it's us four." Oh, I hate the swearing on children. My people don't do that shit, but even if that weren't the case, it's so...I mean, if you're going to lie in the first place, you're not going to not lie because you swore on your kid. Especially if you're a guy like Shane. "Here's the deal: if any of you screw me, I'll find you and kill you," he says. And it's one of those things that's so funny you sort of want to buy mace. Courtney laughs, but Shane says, "I'm serious." Wait. He's serious? Did he just threaten to kill people and then interrupt the giggling to say, "I'm serious"? I don't often given legal advice in recaps, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say: don't do that. Danielle gives a little speech about how they formed this installiance, and I think she's trying to say that if you snooze you lose and stuff, but she kind of comes off looking like she has no idea what she's trying to say. She also really reminds me of a less fugly Jenna Morasca, which is kind of freaking me out. Not as much as a more fugly Jenna Morasca would, but still.

Now, we pay a visit to La Mina. Very Pale Dan says that he's very happy with the way things turned out, and that it was "a close call," since he was the last guy to get picked. He says that he wanted to be on this team, and that he has a great relationship with Terry. I have the strong feeling that VPD is far more attached to Terry than Terry is to him, meaning that Terry will one day dump VPD, all, "You're going to make somebody a wonderful alliance-mate one day," and it will be ugly, and there will be repercussions, and I cannot wait.

Terry rather ridiculously interviews that he has "no doubt" that they would have "tons of fish" if they had the spear. Of course, not everyone with a spear has always had tons of fish, and if Terry really felt that way, he could have gone out with the spear himself. The only thing I fault Sally for at all is that she should maybe have practiced in shallow water, but again, that's something anyone on the tribe could have suggested. If you agree that somebody is going to go out and try the spear and do her best, then if it gets lost by accident, then it's not like you can act like it's a character flaw. It's the kind of thing blowhards like Rupert love to get all pissy about, on the theory that they never make mistakes, ever. Furthermore, they have other fishing equipment, so if Terry is so fucking brilliant with fish, he should go out and catch some. In other words, this definitely made me like Terry less, even though I completely understand that he's frustrated. Being a tough guy doesn't make it okay for you to be a jerk, Tom Cruise characters.

Immunity challenge time. Jeff brings the tribes out to a beach. There, he asks how they're doing. Misty talks about how her team is trying to be upbeat and so forth, not getting down on themselves and down on their situation. Jeff turns to Casaya, and Shane immediately starts ranting that the situation is so dire, and that he's not going to pretend it isn't, and that the idea of pretending you're doing great to intimidate the other tribe is so bogus. Honestly, I think that other people just aren't as completely undone by the horror that is DAY 6 as Shane is. "Physically, we're wrecked," Shane insists. Again, not everybody is suffering from nicotine withdrawal so severe that it could knock down chimneys, so Shane should probably speak for himself.

Jeff's like, "Anyway," and moves on to the explanation of the challenge, embarrassed for the male sex that Shane is being such a weenie. He explains that this challenge will "test your ability to work together while transporting a giant zombie head from the ocean to the beach." Yes, Jeff Probst just said "giant zombie head." Say it to yourself a few times. Giant zombie head! Giant zombie head! Giant zombie head! And...I'm sorry, but aren't zombies sort of...fictional? How can Survivor claim to have possession of the head of a zombie? Is it made of Styrofoam? I find this confusing. I don't mean to be the person who's like, "Is it a real zombie head?," but I'm trying to figure out what to make of that. ["I don't want to say that you just besmirched the great city of New Orleans by casting doubt upon their beliefs and traditions, but...I hope you're proud of yourself." -- Wing Chun]

The Giant Zombie Head challenge begins with both teams out on boats anchored in the water. The upshot is fairly simple -- two people from your tribe drag your boat by diving to the bottom and pulling the very heavy trunk that acts as your anchor. To make it tricky, the boats have holes that will be uncorked at the beginning, so they'll fill up with water that your team will have to bail as it makes its way back to shore. I guess the zombie head is...in the boat? In the anchor? I'm not sure. Anyway, on shore, you clip your boat to a post, and then you drag your trunk to the finish mat and stick your zombie head on top of your zombie body. (That would make a great workout video. Your Zombie Body. That's basically what Kathy Smith is like anyway.)

Ready? Go! Oh, okay, the zombie heads are on the platforms, so they take them down and bring them in the boat. I got it. Aras and President Beefcake dive to the bottom for Casaya. Everyone else bails. Terry and Nick dive for La Mina. Little progress is made until Nick swaps out for Austin, who says, "Hey, Terry, listen to me. I'm coming in, and I'm pulling the rope while you carry." On the one hand, he just told Terry to take the heavy part, in a way, but on the other hand, I think he's right that you need a plan. Otherwise, you just have two people down there lifting the trunk, and nothing happens. They dive down, and indeed, Terry worries just about carrying the trunk, while Austin pulls on the rope that drags the boat. For his team, Shane goes down and manages to stay submerged for about three seconds before surfacing. Nice lung capacity, there, Smokey. My favorite Probst line ever comes here: "La Mina still in the lead, but only because Casaya is absolutely inept!" He doesn't sugarcoat like he used to, that's for sure, as Lydia The Undeservingest Contestant Ever learned last season.

Casaya actually seems to make its first progress when Aras and Courtney go down together. (Dirty!) One of my favorite shots as the competition intensifies is of Shane, sitting in the boat, sort of nonchalantly bailing, all, "Whatever." La Mina gets close to the beach, and while there's a little bit of effort to create drama, La Mina drags the anchor up on the beach, hoists a zombie-head-carrying Ruth Marie up to the top of the zombie body, and wins immunity. Their zombie is sort of looking off to the right, but no matter. La Mina celebrates. Shane grouches around, because he obviously did everything that he could to ensure victory. Jeff gives La Mina the immunity idol and tells Casaya that he'll see them later tonight at tribal council.

Later, we are at Casaya on Day 6. Behold the majestic monkey, how he nibbles. Hilariously, we watch Shane stare resolutely out at the water. He talks in a voice-over about how he hates to lose at anything. He says he's "wiped out," and he wants to smoke and drink coffee. And he wants to call his kid. Not see his kid; call his kid. He calls coming on the show "the stupidest thing [he] ever did in [his] whole life." And then he tells us he's not well without his kid. For a week? Dude. Kids go to camp, you know. You can't fall apart. ["Best friend. I'm telling you, he's one of those dads." -- Wing Chun] Shane approaches Courtney and Danielle, and he tells them that he wants them to vote him off. The girls try to get him to understand that he's past the worst of it, and that now they'll have water and so forth. Aras walks up, and Courtney gives him the news about Mr. Betray-Me-And-Die and his sudden desire to walk away with his thumb in his mouth. Aras asks Shane whether it's emotional or physical or what, and Shane stands there, all, "I just don't want to be here anymore." Courtney points out that Shane's kind of screwing the team, and he insists that he isn't, even though he totally is. Courtney interviews that Shane snapped and threw in the towel and so forth. God, this quitting-in-midstream stuff never happens in fire dancing. Because if you do it in fire dancing, you burn to death.

Out in the water, Cirie and President Beefcake are powwowing when Melinda swims up with the very happy news that Shane has just announced his desire to leave. Melinda also says that Courtney and Danielle are trying to talk him out of it, and Cirie can't believe that they wouldn't just let him quit if he wants. ["Much as I hate to agree with Cirie...seriously!" -- Wing Chun] Cirie interviews that Shane's quitting came as a happy surprise to her and Melinda, since they thought they were pretty much goners. "You have people begging to stay here," Cirie says. "If somebody wants to quit, let 'em quit!" And her voice is at such a high squeak by the end of that declaration that I can barely hear her, but my dog is still scratching his ears.

Aras pep-talks Shane that, soon, they will have food and water, and things will get better. Shane blows him off, forcing Aras to be all, "Come back, Shane!" and beg him some more not to quit. Aras tells Shane that if he sticks it out until he has food and water and still wants to quit, Aras will vote him off like he wants. But Aras wants Shane not to quit right at the moment. Ultimately, Shane agrees to hang in for one more round, as he intended to do all along.

Aras and Shane now take a stroll over to the shelter, where Aras announces in some manner that he actually thinks is diplomatic (it's sort of...unbelievable) that Shane has decided not to quit. "I'm really sorry about my, like, insanity flip-flop today," Shane says, as if that makes some part of this less horrible. It gets even worse when Aras "gently" says that they need to talk, all of them, as a group, about who's going to go home: "I just want to do this with honesty and, like, openness." He says that he wants the tribe to be physically strong, so, no hard feelings, he's going to vote off Cirie or Melinda: "And I haven't decided yet." And then, Aras continues to get worse. "See, I, you're looking at me like you hate me," he says to Cirie. Cirie: "No, I just, I don't know what you want me -- what do you want me -- I don't know what you to say about that." Because SERIOUSLY. And then Aras says the truly tip-top thing of all of this: "Can we come to anything over there?" Did you hear that, y'all? He wants someone to volunteer. He wants Cirie or Melinda to agree to leave. Not because she's not an asset, not because she's not a good player, but just so that Aras doesn't have to decide whom to vote for.

Do you see what bullshit this is? You can screw people over, but you cannot ask them to comfort you about it. Aras wants them to give him cover by voting themselves off. It's the most twisted, messed-up version of what it means to be a nice person. It's like working for a company that treats you like crap and then acts like you owe it to them to resign. Fuck that noise. You're not obligated to make it easier for people who treat you like dirt, and that's what Aras is doing here. I just do not understand this entire outlook, and it infuriates me utterly. At least own what you do, you know?

Anyway, Courtney starts grumbling that she doesn't appreciate having Aras come over and dump this on everyone without any warning. Aras thinks he's being diplomatic, but of course, it's not like he consulted his supposed "alliance" first. The irony is that Aras undoubtedly sees Sensitive New-Age Guy all over himself, but he's being, among other things, totally sexist. If Courtney and Danielle were men, he'd have consulted them rather than telling them what was going to happen in front of Cirie and Melinda. I guarantee you -- guarantee you -- that that's true. I've known this guy a million times, and this is part of the game. He finds women wonderfully peaceful and soft, you know? He just loves guiding their souls. Also: cries in bed. Just a guess. Anyway, Courtney also interviews that announcing their alliance to everyone was pretty fucking idiotic anyway. As if I need anyone else to hate even more, Shane now announces to Cirie and Melinda, "There's been an arrangement, obviously, made. What [Aras] said sounded insincere, I don't know what to tell you. Like, I don't care which one of you goes. I just don't, like...whoever doesn't go now is going ." It's not like all alliances don't work this way -- that you think you know who's after the person you're booting -- but to serve this up to people and ask them to eat it in public is so fucking presumptuous, and it is just another form of "keeping it real" by being as aggressively inconsiderate to other people as possible and then insisting that all you're doing is telling the truth. It's also the completely unnecessary making of enemies, which can only hurt you later. There's no reason to be like this with people, except to show off. "If this total instability continues," Courtney interviews, "it's going to be very hard to know that [Shane] will be there for us." Wow, they doubt Shane? Well, what can be counted on, then?

Later, Melinda and Cirie chat. Each thinks she's going to be the one to go. Danielle and Melinda hug, and Danielle says that she feels really bad. "Yeah, there's a lot about it that's not fair," Melinda sniffles. I bet Tina thought so, too. My sense is that, right there, Danielle told Melinda it was her that was going. Just my guess. Melinda interviews that her suspicion that she might go is partly based on the fact that, of her tribe, she was the last one picked. She also says that she is not cool with being voted off, and is not meditating over it. Shane haughtily announces again in an interview that Cirie and Melinda will go first, no matter what. But he says that some part of him still wants to quit. He just can't get enough of the quitting, apparently. He loves the idea of quitting right in the middle of everything, which is why, with him, the other person cries in bed.

Behold the tribal council lizard, how he keeps watch.

Tribal council. Those who have not already been here dip their torches and are given life. Jeff brings in Bruce, who has been cooling his heels offscreen on Exile Island, and he sits over in the jury area. Jeff asks Shane about his comments about how hard and miserable things are. "It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life," Shane announces. Jesus. He is such a weenie. It sounds like he has a kid he doesn't live with; one might think some part of that scenario might be worse than six days of not having all that much food. ["Also, I don't see how this is a 'thing' that 'happened to' him. I know Viacom is a big company now, but I don't think it's so big that people actually have to go on reality shows because they've been drafted." -- Wing Chun] Shane talks about how he wanted to leave today because of "the mania of dehydration." Also known as "his personality." He also brings up his nicotine withdrawal, which brings Jeff to eye-rolling. Jeff asks if this is like detox for Shane. "It's like a psychotic, bad-idea detox," says Shane. I cannot wait until he's gone, because every minute with him is an eternity.

Jeff asks Cirie about camp life. She says that the tribe seemed happy until today, when it got harder after it was announced that there were four people against the other three. "It's hurtful," she says. "I'm human." And as much as I don't like Cirie's fear of leaves, I do appreciate her saying that, because while being voted off is just part of the game and you can't really be wounded by it, people being arrogant and inconsiderate of your feelings is still people being arrogant and inconsiderate of your feelings. It's not like you don't feel it when people are disrespectful of you just because it's in the confines of a game, even if game play itself is a ridiculous basis on which to conclude that you've been mistreated. Moreover, Melinda adds that she and Cirie have done fine in the challenges, so the entire idea of voting them off is pretty unsupported anyway. She makes a good point, which is that it's not an automatic thing that Melinda would be worth less in challenges than a detox-ing skinny-assed freak with no apparent ability to concentrate. You know who su-u-u-cked at challenges? Ethan Zohn. Professional athlete Ethan Zohn. You know why? Because he couldn't chill. Does Shane look to you like he can chill? Chilling appear to be in his future? Was he any good during the challenges thus far? I think not. So part of what Melinda is saying is that the members of the alliance within her tribe are totally engaging in ridiculous stereotyping, even if they weren't being rude besides.

Jeff asks whether, if she goes tonight, Melinda will think it's "just the way it goes." She says no: she'll be disappointed, pissed, hurt, and so forth. Her main reason is that she can't imagine being judged less worthy of keeping on a team than a person who wanted to quit. And she does kind of have a point. How about Cirie? Six days enough? She does my least favorite thing, unfortunately, which is dragging your family into it, as far as their disappointment and how you want to help them and all that. I hate it when it seems like anyone is trying to capitalize on the idea that their family is more deserving of help than someone else's, because not everyone has the same sob story, and not everyone wants to share, or can share, their entire sob story. Cirie cries, and I understand her frustration, but I wish she had stuck to her own disappointment, which is perfectly adequate to justify being sad.

Jeff says it's time to vote, with the tribe apparently "all over the map." Cirie votes. President Beefcake votes. Aras votes. Melinda votes for Shane, saying that he made her promise. Heh. Courtney votes. Shane votes. Danielle scratches her head and votes. You can tell they needed less filler than usual, because the shots of people voting were really short. Jeff goes off to tally. When he returns, he fucks with Shane by reading the two votes for him first (thank you, Jeff), but then the four are all for Melinda, so she's gone. I kind of like it, and it doesn't come off too phony, that after Melinda's third vote, Cirie reaches over and holds her hand while the last one is read. I do think they knew it was Melinda and not Cirie. Shane stares, dead-eyed. Melinda is snuffed. Tina will be happy to see her, I think. She turns and points at Cirie and says, "Take care," and Cirie smiles and points back. I think they did develop a...not a friendship, exactly, but a sort of kinship of the mutually screwed. Bruce is brought over to join Casaya. Poor, poor Bruce, swept into this tornado of suck.

The tribe heads home.

week: flirting.