The First Exile

WARNING: recap contains simulated human skulls.

We open in the darkest corners of Tippi Hedren's permanently damaged psyche, where countless birds swarm overhead as they ponder what appetizer will best go with your particular eyeballs. An artful fade takes us from the voracious birds to the ghostly visage of a human skull. From the skull, we move to a small, round, very green island in the middle of a vast expanse of blue water. There's a sort of darkly seafaring, possibly pirate-influenced mood being developed here. I think they got this montage from a Dateline special about how Captain Crunch died.

Considering the air of certain doom hanging over the intro, it's a bit anticlimactic when Jeff "I Quit! Take The Reins, Morasca! ...Just Kidding!" Probst tells us that we are off the coast of Panama. Apparently, the rest of the isolated part of the world is closed for lunch, so we have been forced to return to a spot where we have already been twice. I guess once you've put in a swimming pool for the head of the local set-builders' union and sent the tourism minister's kids to college, there's no reason not to get the maximum return on your investment. Jeff explains that the "remote island" we are looking at, which features what looks like a Sharper Image playhouse in the shape of a skull, will be important to the game. It is already important, of course, to the dream I will be having later, in which a parade of reality-show contestants feeds upon the flesh of the living.

"This," Jeff says, "is Exile Island." I love how there's a caption that reads simply, "Jeff Probst." Because honestly, if you haven't ever seen the show, then you don't care who Jeff Probst is and he might as well be labeled "Danny Bonaduce" for all you know. (Oh, stop. If you haven't ever seen this show, you don't know that's not Danny Bonaduce.) On the other hand, if you have seen the show, then you already know who Jeff Probst is. There is literally, I submit, not one person who is assisted by that caption. It's not like it even reads "Jeff Probst, Spiritual Advisor," or "Jeff Probst, Ineffectual Doof," or "Jeff Probst, Cradle-Robbing Indiana Jones Wannabe," or "Jeff Probst, Judgmental A-Hole," or something that would help people get oriented. Nope. Just the name. In case you want to give him a call later.

We see the skull...AGAIN. At this point, according to the "a gun in first act must reappear in third act" principle, I will be disappointed if, sometime during the course of the season, there is not a ritual sacrifice including the serving of soup out of bowls made of opposing noggins. Now that would be a reward. ("Immunity...back up for grabs! Those of you who were beheaded last time will really have to step up this week in order to stay competitive.") What's more, the footage is arranged so that there is an illusion that the skull spontaneously catches fire. Nothing like an outbreak of hellfire in your sinus cavities. Better than Sudafed to cure what ails you, and you can't make meth out of it. There is also howling, lightning, and a brief shot of...a mummified mountain man? I'm not sure.

Jeff starts off by asking a large-breasted black woman named Cirie what she thinks of the way the teams are split up. "It looks like 'younger, older,'" she says, gesturing first toward the other group of women, and then toward her own group. Jeff then asks a bandanna-wearing shaggy-haired fellow named Shane if he agrees, and he says he does. "It'll be interesting," he says. "I don't think this has ever happened before." Clearly a student of the game, young Shane. (Well, younger than the rest of them. He's thirty-five. He's two weeks younger than I am, making me officially an oldster. Get me my broom; I'm a-fixin' to teach somebody a lesson!) Jeff confirms that the groups are split by age and gender. When Cirie hears her tribe referred to as "the older women," Cirie kids on the square with Jeff about how she "thought [she] was younger." In an interview, we learn that she is a nurse, and that she isn't happy about being stuck with the old ladies. Because if there's anything you want in a nurse, it's the ability to limit one's fears to truly unnatural physical transformations, such as aging.

We then cut to an interview with Austin, a writer who declares that he would "certainly prefer to have some females" on his team. Two observations: I cannot tell you how many times my eyebrows have popped up on this show at a caption that looked like "Writer," only to find that it said, "Waiter." It used to happen with Bobby Jon all the time. Who doesn't like a hot writer, after all? So when I realized that Austin's caption really is "Writer," I was most encouraged. Second: No guy you want to spend more than five minutes with has ever referred to women as "females." ["WORD. Oh, such a peeve of mine, that is." -- Wing Chun] It's not quite up there with the despised term "ladies," but it still has that whole feel, like the guy's going to check your teeth and buy you a chew toy. What's worse, Austin says he has a tendency to "flirt with basically any female [he comes] into contact with." It is right around here that I begin to remember all the reasons why, in my experience, writers are emphatically better choices in theory than in practice.

Now, a large, well-built attorney named Bobby refers to his team as "the young beefcake crowd," of which he says he was "a charter member and president." Did he just refer to himself as "beefcake"? Did he actually refer to himself as "President Beefcake"? Because on the one hand, that is disgusting, and on the other hand, that is totally his name to me now. President Beefcake goes on to refer to the other three teams as "the Love Boat crowd," "the Golden Girls," and "the Spice Girls." Wow. Those pop-culture references are so current that I almost cut my wrists on all the edge.

Jeff explains how the island they're on at the moment is the one that will be used for this Exile Island business, and how they won't live here in their tribes, but that individual people will be sent here periodically. Starting...now! Because indeed, they're going to start things off with a four-way competition between the four tribes, with the tribe that comes in last having to choose someone to stay behind on Exile Island while everybody else gets settled in. Danielle the "Medical Sales Rep" says that challenges are her "forte," which she pronounces "for-tay" like most people do who are not my father. She's the athlete, you see. And...I don't want to start things off in the shallow end, but I'm thinking that if Danielle participates in any lumber sports, she might do more chewing than log-rolling, if you get my drift. Those are some large teeth.

Anyway, one person from each team will race to the other end of the island and find the pile of skulls. (It should be the only pile of skulls, so just keep your eyes peeled.) Then, all four people will start smashing skulls, and the first three to find one with an amulet inside will run back to their teams. Last team to finish leaves somebody behind. Furthermore, the first three teams to finish get flint to make fire, and the last team doesn't. So, just in case you're keeping score, last season's opening challenge was marching your entire team eleven miles through the Guatemalan jungle carrying all your stuff. This season's opening challenge is that one person in your tribe has to kind of run over there.

Jeff turns the teams loose to choose their runners, and it turns out that the contenders are Ruth Marie (old women), Terry (old men), Danielle (young women), and Austin (young men). They step up. Ready? Go! What's great is that Austin, that lover of female ladies, gets himself overexcited and almost hurls himself to the ground unimpeded by anything but his own feet, which would have been the truly greatest beginning to an episode ever. Also, female ladies think that's totally hott. The four run through the woods until they get to the other side of the little island. Sure enough: skulls. Just like Jeff promised. See, they're building trust. They start cracking skulls, and not in the Judd Nelson/Paul Gleason sense. Terry is the first one to get an amulet free, so he takes off back toward his team. He reaches them, and they greet him happily. It's awesome to be good-natured and creaky. Austin finds an amulet , and he tries not to trip over his shoelaces again as he starts to run.

So now, it's just the women, waiting for their runners to return. Jeff verifies that they're getting nervous. Glad he was on that. The tension builds until we switch back to the teams waiting for someone, and then out of the woods emerges...Ruth Marie. So the older women are saved, and the younger women are screwed. Danielle returns to her unhappy team, which is receiving no fire and now has to leave someone on Exile Island. Jeff throws flint to the three teams who are getting it. Danielle immediately offers to stay, since she lost the challenge, but the rest of the team members apparently conclude that even though she lost the challenge, she at least tried the challenge, so they shouldn't pick her. The other three decide on a single-elimination rock-paper-scissors tournament to decide who gets left behind. Ah, diplomacy. This is why it takes certain groups of women an hour and a half to order a pizza.

Long story short, the person being left behind is one Misty, who will not be alone on Exile Island, because she will have her cowboy hat for company. (Hey, I am running off to write that song. DON'T YOU DARE.) She is a missile engineer, it turns out, although apparently, she is not in particularly high demand if she can simply go off for a month and a half without any missiles unexpectedly going astray. I guess the missile industry and the pharmaceutical industry absorb the brunt of reality-show absenteeism, along with the hospitality industry. Jeff explains that Misty will be staying here until the first immunity challenge. Then, she'll come back to the tribe to compete.

Older Women are on their way to camp, and when they get to their beach, they have only a machete and a pot. And, of course, the privilege of not having had to walk eleven miles to get there. Cirie explains that she was scared of the machete, because she thought they would have to "clear an area to build a house or something." And this, in turn, scares her because when you clear brush, things that live in it emerge. You can tell she's going to be great at this show. The women share a prayer and a hug. They ask God for an extra blessing since they're older. (God: "Why yes. I will bless you more than I bless others. All you had to do was ask.") Melinda, who looks like a second-grade teacher but is billed as a "Singer/Entertainer," talks about how they immediately started thinking about shelter and fire. They get their fire started fairly easily -- I think the show has lost patience with watching people rub sticks together, which is why you're seeing flint right out of the box -- and "Lumber Jill" Tina says that she was excited about getting the fire going.

Just a note: Tina is from Hayward, Wisconsin. She is not from Minnesota. I got this wrong in the recaplet, and my punishment for mixing up the two states involved penance that I have completed thusly: I stood on a chair in my apartment, dangled an open bottle of Leinenkugel's between my toes, balanced a wheel of cheese on my head, put on my Packers jersey, wrote "FAVRE" on my forehead with a black Sharpie, went without showering for two days, then sang a song called "Wisconsin Rollin' On," to which I will not repeat the lyric, except to say that it includes the phrases "tasty Eau Claire sunsets" and "your capital city notwithstanding." I accompanied myself on pennywhistle.

Anyway, Ruth Marie comments in an interview about Tina's "interesting background" as a "log-roller." She also calls Tina "resourceful," which I think is something like "has a good personality" in the damning-with-faint-praise category, only it's aimed at people who are, like, saving your ass right at this moment. Ruth Marie says that she's happy to have someone else lead and be a "worker bee" herself. More, it looks like, with the "bee" than with the "working." Cirie, meanwhile, gathers up leaves off the ground for use in the shelter, but she unhappily mutters, "I hate leaves." She also makes a little shrieking noise, so Tina pulls her aside and asks what she was saying scared her. "I said, 'leaves,'" Cirie says. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she is afraid of leaves. Not water, not sharks, not alligators, not being audited. Leaves. Tina, in an interview, looks around incredulously but not unkindly, and cracks, "Did anyone tell her what show she was going on?" If I had been Tina, I totally would have stayed up late the first night, found a way to fashion a costume made of leaves so that I would look like the Walking Leaf Monster, and come stomping up to Cirie while she was sleeping. That would mean that even if I got voted off early, I could feel that my trip had been entirely worthwhile.

Over at camp Younger Men -- the tribe apparently called "Viveros," which I find absolutely hilarious, given how much it sounds like a drug for erectile dysfunction -- President Beefcake is swatting at something with something else, as men have been doing since time immemorial, since long before "I'd hit that" meant anything other than that you didn't respect the pitcher. In fact, there seems to be a whole little baseball game going here, and Aras (the yoga instructor) tells us that they haven't really done any work to speak of. He has a plan, though, and now, everything's going to be great. He gathers the guys and has them stack their hands. Not touching, mind you -- it's not a gay plan or anything -- but just near each other, like a team cheer for germophobes. He then wants the other guys to tell him when they start to feel energy. I have not a clue what he thinks is going to happen here, although it seems to have something to do with gathering focus so that they can make fire. I don't think he thinks the magic hand energy is actually going to start a fire. The sad thing is that I can guarantee you that even if Nick or Austin felt any energy (President Beefcake isn't playing), neither of them would admit it, even if said energy felt like an electrode attached to the pleasure centers in their brains and activated. Nick refers to Aras's notions in an interview as "hare-brained" in some cases. Yes, "hare-brained." In other news, Dewey defeats Truman!

Austin attempts to build the fire and has some trouble, leading him to wonder aloud whether they just don't know how to do it, and whether everyone watching will be muttering, "Those four jackasses." Well, not for this. Maybe they just didn't hold their hands near each other long enough. He goes on to interview that the tribe has pretty much proved itself to be completely incompetent, what with the inability to make fire and the very poor shelter they're in the process of building. They can't hear the unmistakable "boing!" on the soundtrack that demonstrates their incompetence, but if they could, I think they'd feel even worse. Their shelter appears, for its part, to consist of some sticks kind of leaning on a tree, and then some leaves kind of piled on the sticks. That shelter not only will not withstand rain, that shelter will not withstand a light breeze. I'm not sure that shelter can stand up to the rotation of the earth. "We wouldn't want to peak the first night," Nick says dryly. Heh. They decide to hope it won't rain. Hey, what are the odds?

And now, the three Younger Women who have actually made it to camp. Courtney, who is listed as a "Fire Dancer," says that they started off a little bit poorly today by losing the first challenge and having no fire as a result. Meaning that she can't dance. There are also only three of them, and none of them have shelter-building experience. So there's that. She explains that they also were indecisive about where to put their shelter, because they were "being women." Or possibly Fire Dancers. Sally -- a social worker who happens to be from the fine city of Duluth, Minnesota -- tells us that she found the whole business of wandering around looking for a place for the shelter kind of lame. She thinks that if you find a place you like, you stop and build. Of course, where she lives, if you remain outdoors for more than ten minutes uninterrupted, your nose hairs freeze and snap off, and that impedes your body's ability to screen out mites, dust, and other people's dandruff. So: bad.

As they wander, Courtney finds yet another distraction, which is a dead sea turtle on the beach. She explains that she thought it was "ironic" that the turtle was dead, since turtles represent life and mothers and things. It turns out that she is referring to various cultural traditions in which turtles are holy. The only problem with this is that it basically makes the death of any turtle inherently ironic, and I'm not sure the idea of irony can bear up under that kind of strain. I think the death of a turtle can only be ironic if it, for instance, dies as a result of moving too quickly. That's a little ironic. At any rate, Courtney draws a heart in the sand around the turtle, and I do think irony definitely cannot co-exist with the drawing of hearts around dead things. Sally says that she can't really fake interest in the turtle stuff, because it's stupid and she's not crazy. Danielle agrees in an interview that the tribe should be focusing on things like food and shelter, and not on Courtney's great brilliant launching of Operation Turtle Roll. Among other things, you can always do that tomorrow. The turtle is dead, and therefore will still be there. It isn't going anywhere, even more than most turtles aren't.

Over at Older Men, the fire is big and successful, and wood is being chopped. Bruce -- of whom you will hear very little during this episode -- is the fourth man in addition to Cigarette Shane (whom we will meet some more in a moment), Terry, and Very Pale Dan. Terry, now introduced as a Fighter Pilot, says that they're "stoked," because they're the older guys "doing the Boy Scout thing." Very Pale Dan now meets up with Terry on the beach and says, "Can I trust you?" Terry says Dan can, and instantly finds himself on the receiving end of an alliance offer of sorts, of the "I'll never lie to you, how about you never lie to me either?" variety. It's a little bit early for this, and Very Pale Dan comes across like he's a bit too desperate for friends, the way people sometimes are when they've only been socially acclimated to zero-gravity situations. Still, Terry and Very Pale Dan shake on it. "In that case," Dan says, "I have a secret to tell you." It turns out that Dan has revealed to the guys that he worked on the space shuttle at NASA, but he has not revealed that he flew on the space shuttle. Terry thinks this is quite neato, and he grins. What's more, Terry has something to reveal as well. He told the guys that he's an American Airlines pilot, which is true, but he didn't tell them that he flew F-14 fighter jets. Very Pale Dan interviews that he found something in common with Terry on the pilot front, but then he drifts off into discussing the similarities between exploring space and going on Survivor, and that's where I check out. Because...no.

Shane, meanwhile, tells us that he's kind of bummed out being stuck with the older guys, who want to work all the time. So irritating. Furthermore, Shane -- the Marketing Executive -- explains that he smokes three packs of cigarettes a day, and that he's stopped right at this particular moment. Best shape of his life, man! He decides to lead off his attitude adjustment by telling the rest of the guys that it's time to stop worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. I'm not sure that's the biggest of the tribe's worries at he moment. His argument, it turns out, is that they don't need to be sending all four guys out to do things. I suspect he is not looking to be the one who goes so much as the one who does not go, if you know what I'm saying. He tells us -- but mostly himself -- in an interview that he has to get through the initial stages of being off cigarettes without yelling at anyone. "It is unbelievably hard," he says, "and I've been here a day." On the one hand, it is kind of unsettling that he made this choice to detox under these conditions. On the other hand, it's probably the closest we're going to come to someone being well-positioned to literally consume Jeff Probst's face.

After more commercials, we rejoin Misty on EI on Night 1. She is enjoying the first night vision of the season, despite the crashing of thunder and lightning. In the morning, she explains to us that spending the night was her "worst nightmare." She's very thirsty, she's hungry, and there is a snake nearby. She also hopes that her tribemates are doing better than she is, or they're going to have trouble with the immunity challenge. She also tells us that she intends to imply to her team that she found the immunity idol on the island.

There are birds, and then we are at a challenge beach. Jeff welcomes the three tribes, and then he brings in Misty, who is back to her pretty much indifferent team. Jeff asks her how it was, and she says it was lonely. She also says that it "has its advantages." Jeff asks what those are, and she mentions the immunity idol. "So you spent a little time looking for it," he says. "Enough," she says in a way she intends to sound smug. Of course, I would hope that other people would realize that she might not be telling them the complete truth, given that this is not the most subtle acting performance I have ever seen. Of course, Courtney will want to go back and ask Mother Turtle before reaching any final conclusions.

Jeff brings the tribes back to the idea that immunity is power. And the immunity idol is also power, even though it looks like a gag gift from the world's worst office Christmas party. It has three heads, because three tribes will get immunity. Losing tribe goes out tonight to vote someone off. Jeff says that today's challenge is part physical and part mental. You can tell that Cirie's like, "Don't you have anything else? You know, besides those two things?" The tribes will start by swimming out and climbing over a wall. Then they'll reach a raft, and each tribe has to have someone swim down and detach its raft. Then they all paddle back to shore. Back on shore, they'll confront what Jeff calls a "brain-teaser," which is actually similar to the sorts of games they have on the tables of certain bars, where you untangle rope from around a post and you wind up freeing a ring. There's a diagram to help with the puzzle, but the diagram is buried in the sand. When the ring is untangled from the rope, you throw the ring until it catches on a hook you pull on to drop your flag, and then you're done. First three tribes to finish will win immunity; final tribe goes to tribal council.

Ready...go! I hate to say that the most noticeable thing about the early footage is that Cirie's bathing suit is most inadequate to support her, but it's true and it's sort of hard to miss. The older men and younger women are the first to free their rafts; the older women and younger men have trouble getting unclipped. On the way back, the younger women get a lead on the older men during the paddling, which is kind of surprising. Then the older women get their raft free, so it's the young studs dragging behind. Finally, the younger men get their raft free and start paddling back.

The younger women are first to the brain-teaser. The older men and older women follow. Cirie is falling out of that suit so severely that blurring is involved. Sigh. Finally, the younger guys get back, so now all teams are on the brainteaser. The young women get the brainteaser done first, and they throw the ring and drop their flag. Not exactly the most satisfying victory I've ever seen, but then, this weekend, I saw Couch Baron win my Music Stylist's Super Bowl Sunday chicken-eating contest by downing ten pieces of KFC before kickoff, and it will be a long time before that isn't the most satisfying victory I've ever seen.

Anyway, the other three teams are still going, and all three soon retrieve the diagram that's been buried in the sand. Predictably, the older men are the to get their ring free and drop their flag. So now, it's the older women and younger men. The guys get done first, and while Nick takes a couple of tries with the grappling hook, it is indeed the older women who will making the first trip to tribal council. Jeff speaks darkly to everyone in his usual generic way, and then he sends them all back to camp.

Later, at the older women's camp, the mood is predictably low. Cirie interviews that she doesn't think she's the most fit person, so she is nervous about the possibility that she'll be sent home. Melinda and Cirie discuss the fact that Tina has taken a moment off on her own, which is inherently suspect to them for some reason that I don't really understand. Ruth Marie joins in as they all decide that this is "odd" and "weird." Yes, people needing alone time is always a sign of instability. For her part, Tina stares out at the water, and then writes "CHARLIE" in the sand with the machete. She cries as she explains to us that her only son Charlie died in a car accident four and a half months ago. So she's...in just the right place mentally to come on Survivor. Sigh. Charlie was sixteen. She says that she's "sad." She says, however, that she wants to keep this to herself, which is presumably why she is making giant illustrations in the sand with a machete. The last thing she wants is for there to be a spectacle. She says she'll be making these trips out to talk to him alone from time to time. Oh, lady.

Cirie and Ruth Marie walk, and Cirie explains that she's already talked to Melinda about their belief that neither of them can beat Tina in any sort of challenge. Cirie: "I'm trying to win. You know what I mean?" Ruth Marie knows what she means. Everyone knows what she means. Cirie is not subtle. Cirie interviews that she's trying to get rid of Tina just so she can stay herself. Cirie and Ruth Marie discuss the fact that Melinda seems to be on board with getting rid of Tina for being a little too loud. Dude, Melinda is a Singer/Entertainer. I'm not sure what the separate "Entertainer" entry is about ["theme park character would be my guess" -- Wing Chun], but I'm thinking it's probably something that makes it hard for her to fault anyone else for being loud. Her CBS.com profile mentions working as a "pageant coach" and doing six years at Dollywood. ["See?" -- Wing Chun] I'm thinking she ought to be able to tolerate one Midwestern tomboy without wilting.

For Tina's part, she's off collecting a fish for her ungrateful team to eat. It takes her a couple of tries, but she ultimately picks it up and brings it back to camp. Cirie looks ill at this development, which makes her desire to get rid of Tina look even stupider. Melinda interviews that there are lots and lots of sound reasons not to boot Tina, which is how you can tell that Melinda will vote to boot Tina. It just seems like it's that kind of tribe. Lots of reasons not to do something? Well, let's swim against the stream! Cirie scales the fish as they prepare to eat, and she says she's actually trying to convince Ruth Marie and Melinda that they don't need Tina in order to survive. I'm not sure if the other ladies are convinced, but I'm not.

Tribal council. Jeff welcomes the older women, and he commands them to dip their torches and take part in the ritual and This Is Serious and so forth. Jeff asks Melinda how it's going. She says that she's "in Panamanian hell." She tells him that it's the hardest thing she's ever done, because it's very difficult on all kinds of levels -- physical, emotional, whatever. "That's why it's so difficult," she says, and then she throws in "you should try it," which would be a funny line if it weren't so clear that she's had it stored up in her pocket since the day they told her they were putting her on the show. Cirie concurs with Melinda: "For the people at home that are like me, on the couch? Stay on the couch." The other women laugh. ["The people at home that are like her are smart enough not to apply to be on the show in the first damn place." -- Wing Chun] Cirie does say that, now that she's here, she wants to do well.