I would normally never do this, but I must say something I egregiously forgot. Confidential to Erin, whose birthday was April 16th: Aside from my neglectful nature, I would have wished you a happy birthday properly at the time. Now go give your brother a hug.
Previously on Survivor: Lido Deck: The rich got richer and the poor got poorer on this most Dickensian of all seasons, where big and powerful Koror (led by the old guy and the dolphin trainer who looked like Olive Oyl's ganglier kid brother) ripped out the heart of pathetic Ulong (led by a gaggle of gym rats, he-men, Neanderthals, and other people who listen to Matchbox Twenty on their iPods. Tom was the new Colby, except with fewer mommy issues and no car that folds out into a tent. The few opportunities to vote him out were missed, thanks to a strong alliance that backed him up, even when he showed flashes of arrogant prick-itude. Ian's image -- once Flipper-like in its sheen and harmless playfulness -- acquired a tinge of the stinging jellyfish after he neglected to turn the other cheek to Katie's reward-challenge smackeroo. Before he knew it, he was crying and apologizing and generally acting like nobody sent him flowers after he got his legs waxed and everything. Caryn was the last to be sent packing, meaning that the final four will be tragically without a truly nasty sourpuss. We're down to four of the five members of the first strong alliance to emerge all season -- maybe the most successful large alliance ever, alongside Chapera, and it looks like they're getting toward the end with a surprising lack of emerging bitterness. Can it last? And can it make us forget Vanuatu?
At Koror, a crab is nearly washed away by the drama of it all, here on Day 37. A bird flaps agreement. The final four are rousing themselves in the shelter, and Katie moans, "Day 37..." She also comments that "true colors came out last night," referring apparently to Caryn's attempted de-pantsing of Ian. A-Jenn smiles down at Katie, which Katie gets a lot, as a result of lying down most of the time. Katie comments in an interview that Caryn actually did Katie a major favor by "going off" at tribal council. Things, she explains, were already resolved between herself and Ian as far as what a terrible person he was for failing to take her on a reward right after she knocked him out of a reward and spent her down time scheming to throw him out of the game. Still, Katie appreciated Caryn's bringing out Ian's having "betrayed" her in front of the jury. I love the fact that Katie thinks the jury would ever vote based on some kind of proxy petty personal grudge on her behalf, when all the members have their own petty personal grudges to rely on. Who needs empathy when you have self-pity?
Out by the fire, Ian asks A-Jenn how she slept, and she says, "Um, pretty well," matching her verbal output for the season up to this point. Ian explains that, at tribal council, he "got a lot of heat." And he's not talking about the Fire That Represents Life, either. Do you suppose if that got doused, they'd all die? Anyway Ian explains that his position with the jury has probably diminished somewhat, but he says rather perceptively that that's not always a bad thing, because if everyone knows you're the jury's favorite, that can make you a target at F4. Every once in a while, this is an incredibly good thing for those of us who are rendered speechless with hate at the sight of many jury favorites. And in Ian's head, the way things stand, the target isn't Ian -- it's Tom. Strong and beloved, blustery and patronizing, Tom has indeed crashed his way through to this point, not that the team has been smart enough to take its few opportunities to get rid of him.
Tom and Ian are fussing about with a giant clam in a way that absolutely does not represent sexual frustration in the least, when Katie's freak-out voice (distinguished from her regular voice in that it is the same, only slightly louder) screeches toward them, saying she needs help. The show kind of tries to make you think this alarmed Ian and Tom, and they ran off with their orange buoy and their Resusci-Annie, but it looks like they're pretty sure it's no big deal; it's just Katie making noise, which isn't exactly the kind of thing you invent a telegraph system to wire back to the States. They are, however, curious as they run off to see what she's all on about. And as it turns out, Katie and A-Jenn are opening a large metal canister containing the makings of breakfast. These people certainly do get happy about the Denny's-quality breakfasts. Interestingly, Jeff usually shows up for this sappy segment, but not this time: I wonder what happened to prevent that. Maybe he's macking on Julie at the moment. Anyway, big hugs ensue among the F4. Katie reads a dumb and unnecessary piece of treemail instructing them to eat. I'm sure it comes as a major surprise that that's what's expected. Another mutually opportunistic and transitory group hug follows. My favorite kind.
Tom uncorks a bottle of champagne, drinks the whole thing, throws up, passes out, and is airlifted to the Betty Ford Center. Not really. He does open the champagne, and Ian tells everyone to put up their Koror claws. Which are at this point officially the least welcome rallying cry since the tomahawk chop, with the claws' only advantage being: no Jane Fonda. They all break eggs into a pan as Tom explains that, normally, the game requires you to earn everything you get -- like your luxury accommodations with private bath, fluffy robe, and in-room dirty movies -- so to have something just show up for free was a great treat. Tom says that, back in the firehouse, this would be called an "atta-boy." They cut up and eat pineapple. I do like fresh pineapple a lot. "I love final four!" Katie says goofily in that voice that sometimes makes me try to like her in a sort of abortive way. It never lasts. Katie says that this was a great time for the group just to hang around and have a good time together before beginning the all-out, soul-crushing, friendship-risking, ugliness-embracing assault that this two-hour finale will become.
Tom throws a bucket of water to clean the table, which is a metaphor for how Tom washed the table of the game with the bucket of his awesomeness, and the water of his victories washed over others, bringing to them the refreshing hydration of his capable, manly presence. I think. Then, we are sitting around with Katie, Ian, and A-Jenn. A-Jenn quietly remarks to Katie and Ian that it's all about immunity now, and says, "If one of us wins it, we're all good, right?" A-Jenn then explains that if any of the rest of them manages to win immunity, they're going to boot Tom. In the shelter, A-Jenn asks Ian if he's sure, and Ian says he is. He tells her that, at F4, it's "game on" as far as he's concerned. It is at this point that I realize he is sort of skinny for "game on," and I have my doubts. Ian interviews that if he manages to beat Tom today and Tom doesn't have immunity, "Tom goes home." But if Tom wins the challenge, Tom will be "[Ian's] best friend again." Oh, Ian. Playing the game. Trying to win. How do you live with yourself?
The tribe heads out for a challenge, and when they get there, they find a yellow Chevrolet SSR. They all climb in and get very excited, although I think Tom is thinking that the guys at the fire station might actually find this particular morsel of lemony goodness to be just a little bit girly to park near the big ladders. Jeff removes some of the pressure when he breaks it to the group that this car is not for the winner of the challenge. It's for the winner of Survivor, but by contractual agreement between Chevrolet and the Mark Burnett Accounting Firm And Alligator Wrestling Company, they have to display it during the show. (Just guessing.) Jeff tells them to peek in the glove box for another tasty tempting morsel, and they do, and it's a phony million-dollar check. Just think! It could be a real million-dollar check! Oh, how I love filler. It takes up so little recap space. Well, not when I keep calling it out as filler. Then it just goes on and on and -- GAH!
Anyway. Toy check! Jeff tells them that one of them is going to make a million bucks here, and then he tells them that their step to the million is this challenge here. He takes the immunity necklace back from Tom. In today's challenge, which is another really obnoxious one to explain, it starts with a crawl through a bunch of tires, where they'll have to stop at each tire and untie a set of keys. When you get to the end, you release yourself from the rope and use the keys to unlock some padlocks at the bottom of a tower and move a few bars that let you open a hatch in the roof and climb up another level. Then, you untie some ropes that will let you move up another level. Then you get a grappling hook, which you toss to retrieve four ladder rungs. Get all your ladder rungs, then you build a ladder and climb to the top and raise your flag. The first two to get their flags up move on to the finals. In the finals, you take a flying fox down to the water and get a bag. In the bag are three numbers, and you use those numbers as the combination -- in some order -- to a padlock. Open the lock, get out another flag, raise it, and you win. It's a bazillion-step challenge that mostly comes down to Do Stuff, so you know who it'll come down to, right? Right?
Ready...go! Okay, the first thing you need to know is that Katie is never in it, ever. Even for a second. She's the baseball team in every league that shows up late for the first game with only six players, looks around like, "What?," and drinks beer for the rest of the season. A-Jenn, however, stays pretty well with Tom and Ian out of the gate, much to everyone's surprise. All three of them are in it through the tires, through the locks, through the ropes, and up to the part of the tower with the grappling hook. Tom is the first to get there. He gets his first rung. Ian and A-Jenn are even, and Ian gets to the grappling hooks only very slightly ahead of her. Ian gets one hooked. A-Jenn, on the other hand, can't figure out how to use the hook. Tom gets his second rung, and then his third. Ian gets his second. Tom pulls in his last one and assembles his ladder. A-Jenn is in the weeds. Ian gets his third rung. Tom climbs to the top and raises his flag. Ian gets his last one, assembles his ladder, and climbs to the top. So the final will be Tom and Ian. Katie -- having gone backwards in time and actually retied knots and locked padlocks that had been untied and unlocked when the challenge started -- will not be in the final. Neither will A-Jenn, because when you ask her to throw a hook, she just isn't sure what that means.
And now, round two. Tom and Ian take off and fly down the wire. They hit the water at the same time, and they hit the box at the same time to get the bag of numbers. It is on the run out of the water that Tom begins to pull ahead, on what appears to be brute strength. But then Tom stalls out trying to get the bag of numbers open, and Ian passes him. Ian is, in fact, the first to get the bag open and get the numbers out. But in the end, there is a huge element of luck here, and Ian simply doesn't get the combination quickly enough. Tom is first to get the lock open. He opens the box, grabs the flag, runs it up the pole, and takes home immunity -- again. Ian grins, and they hug. Nice, isn't it? It can't last. You know this. Somebody will get snitty because of all that money, because somebody always does. Not always the one who thinks he's doing it, either. Anyway, Jeff puts the necklace around Tom's neck and reminds us that Tom is the only safe one. Everybody else is on the hook. Now go back to camp, doofuses.
At Koror, the tribe is pulling up to shore as they discuss how enormous the challenge was and how long it took. Ian interviews that if he won, he was planning on sending Tom home. But he didn't, so now it's got to be A-Jenn.
Speaking of A-Jenn, she, for her part, is making a watery argument in her own defense, telling Tom that if he boots Ian tonight, he would pretty much guarantee himself a spot in F2. Tom knows this. But he says that his deal with Ian was for F3, and he's not breaking it. Ian walks up at this point, and Tom says -- and don't miss this part: "I was just telling [A-]Jenn that in spite of how tempting as it is to cut you loose and let you fly tonight, I can't do it; I won't do it, because of the bond that we've made and the promises, and..." A-Jenn cuts in to say she'd rather know than be surprised anyway. Tom says to her, "So, things are good with us within the game and outside the game, and..." A-Jenn says they certainly are. They hug. Tom tells her it's been "a pleasure and an honor" to play this far with her. A-Jenn nods. And then she cries. I just love the part where it's an honor. Tom interviews about guys standing by each other and so forth, clearly suggesting that this is the principle on which he is operating. "I'm taking a risk," Tom says, "but that's my move."
That evening, the tribe is sitting around talking, and Katie talks about how much she feels like a jerk, because she screws up in challenges and she thinks people on the jury might not think she did anything. Apropos of nothing, really, except bringing up what a good guy he is, Tom talks about how that conflict is nothing -- he thinks he "just made a decision that might cost [him] a million dollars." "Well," Ian says with an understanding chuckle, "if I'd won immunity today, it would have been a really difficult decision for me, too, Tom, so...I'm glad that I didn't have to make it, and I appreciate you sticking with me." Tom then gives an interview in which he talks about how upsetting it was to have Ian say that when Tom thought they were "rock solid," and here's Ian saying it was a tough choice. For Tom's part, he insists that it would have been no choice at all. Now, get this straight. Tom already told Ian how "tempting" it was to get rid of Ian, and then went on to say, basically, "Gee, Ian, I am in the uncomfortable position of having made a decision that isn't in my own best interests, which I did out of loyalty to you." To which Ian basically replied, "Goodness, Tom, I agree that making a decision that isn't in your own best interests is difficult. I'm glad I didn't have to be in that uncomfortable position you just described of making a decision that isn't in your own best interests, and I appreciate your loyalty to me for which you just requested a pat on the head." It's just not a big deal.
But oh, it is a big deal to Tom. It is such a big deal to Tom that he has a chat with A-Jenn in which he complains about Ian's apparent conflictedness. In fact, on the basis of this, he tells A-Jenn that his decision is up in the air again. In other words, when all he knows is that Ian thought it would be a "tough" decision, Tom has already decided that he doesn't have to stick with the alliance if he doesn't want to. Of course, there is more. "[Ian] said he was going to vote you out," A-Jenn tells Tom eagerly. And there are those who believe this was great game play by A-Jenn, but I am not one of those people. Because if it didn't occur to her until now to tell this to Tom? Then she's a fool. I can't imagine why she didn't tell this to Tom back when he was boohooing to her about his allegiance to Ian, except that she's defeatist and goofy. At any rate, Tom wants to know whom Ian told that he would vote Tom out, and A-Jenn says it was her and Katie. Tom says they should go talk to Ian right now. We will get this straightened out, indeed. Like men!
Ian is over by the fire when Tom approaches. Tom first complains about the "tough decision" business, and how that made him feel played, which you can tell is very confusing to Ian, for the same reason it's very confusing to me. Among other things, I think it makes Ian think -- and it totally makes me think -- that Tom was looking for a way out of his deal with Ian, and is very eager for anything that might let him out of it with a claim to the moral high ground. Anyway, Ian says, "There's a lot of things that are said in the game, Tom." A-Jenn then jumps in, wanting Ian to tell Tom what he told her and Katie about voting Tom out. Ian reminds her that he's "playing the game, just like everybody else." Tom asks what Ian said before the immunity challenge, and Ian confirms straight up that he did indeed tell Katie and A-Jenn that, if he won immunity, he'd vote out Tom. Tom cuts off the conversation, insisting that's all he needs. Well, this is going in a depressingly epic and allegorical direction. Shall we adorn ourselves in our finest garments, slaughter a goat, and await the arrival of a wise man? Sigh.
The tribe goes off to tribal council. They settle in, and Jeff brings in the jury, including the recently added Caryn, who has cleaned herself up with the exception of her bitchface, which is still raging. Jeff mentions that tribal council is getting a late start, meaning that something must have been going on back at camp: "Tom, fill me in." Tom tells Jeff that he wasn't really in "panic mode" during today's immunity challenge, because as far as he knew, he had a deal with Ian and Katie. Won anyway, you'll notice. In fact, won most of them anyway, in spite of the fact that everyone knows multiple immunity wins make you a target. So for all that Tom is saying this, Tom has known he wasn't entirely safe. At any rate, Tom harps once again on the "tough decision" thing, which I already feel like I am as sick of as I am of the episode of Friends where Phoebe has the triplets, which I swear is on every time I turn on the television. Anyway, Tom wonders aloud whether he's a fool to risk a million dollars for "honor" when Ian might not have done the same. The thing is...it's not that I don't believe in honor, I just don't think it's part of this game. It's like refusing to take your opponent's piece in chess because you're friends and you have "honor." That's not a stupid argument because honor is bad; it's a stupid argument because playing a game with agreed-upon rules and well-known and anticipatable strategies according to those rules and strategies has nothing to do with honor. But honor is the theme, so we shall soldier on.
But as an aside, why is Coby wearing that blue old-lady shawl? If he doesn't give that back soon, Bea Arthur will have to wear her brown bomber jacket to the Tonys.
, Tom explains to Jeff how he confronted Ian at camp, and how Ian admitted to having said he'd vote Tom off. Jeff asks Ian about this "cloud" that seems to be over him during the last couple of tribal councils. ["A cloud formed by the humidity of Ian's sweaty efforts to make everyone like him, no matter what decision he makes in any direction ever. If you ask me." -- Wing Chun] Ian tells Jeff that he and Tom made "this gentleman's agreement that we would try to take each other to the final three." He goes on to insist that while he had a conversation about voting Tom off, he wasn't necessarily going to do that; it's just "a discussion that you have." Of course, according to his confessionals, it is indeed what he was going to do, but not admitting that during tribal council is -- guess what? -- part of the game. Furthermore, Ian never actually stared down that decision and had to write Tom's name on the paper. Might he have looked for a way out of doing something he really didn't want to do, just as Tom is doing right now? Yes, I think he might. Jeff basically asks Ian why, if it was just talk, he didn't go and tell Tom and let him know, so Tom wouldn't be blindsided if he found out. That's the killer question, of course: if it's part of your strategy and you have no secrets, you'd just tell. Ian says he did tell, but Tom says he didn't.
And then Tom really pisses me off by saying that Ian "just made a third strike," which is an annoyingly wrestling-coach thing to say, really, and makes it sound like he's getting ready to give Ian a time-out. This time, Tom is upset because of (and I'm totally not lying) Ian's use of the words "try to take" when he described their "gentleman's agreement." He said he was going to "try to take" Tom to the final three, Tom insists that yet another similarity between life as a Jedi and life as a reality-show contestant is that there is no try; only do. It's completely stupid, of course, because you can never guarantee someone else's trip to F3. All you can do is try. All Tom could do for Steph was try, right? You can't force somebody to F3 single-handedly. Ian clarifies that he didn't mean "try" in a tentative way, and agrees that the agreement was F3 for sure. Ian says that he's not sure, while they're talking trust, that Tom should be taking the nearly ousted A-Jenn's word over his. "It's not Jenn's word I'm listening to," Tom says. "It's your words I'm listening to." And he's got Ian there. Everything Tom thinks he has to be angry about is coming directly from Ian at this point. At least at this point, it is. It is also this moment when you can feel the Tom/Ian parental-disappointment dynamic settling in. ["Nothing like a dad to make you feel guilty. Not my dad, of course, who is perfect. (Hi, Dad!)" -- Wing Chun] Because Tom knows that Ian idolizes him, and whether he knows it or not, he's on the scent of how potent it would be as a way to manipulate Ian to withhold his friendship and approval. Ian is using Tom for a barometer of being a good person (for good or for ill), and I think Tom is figuring out that Ian is very easily devastated if Tom acts disappointed in him. Not so much mad -- disappointed.
"I never intended on going back on Tom," Ian says. "I never intended it." Which isn't really true, based on the confessionals, but again, the kid is playing, and I don't begrudge him that. Jeff now wants to discuss everyone's faces. "Tom looks angry, Katie looks hurt, and Jenn looks delighted." A-Jenn grins. She insists that she's just happy that it "stirred up some things that needed to be out." Because all she really wants is for everyone to be honest and true, and she just thinks people should know what really went on, ta-dum-dum-dum. Oh, barf. Jeff asks Katie why she's so hurt, and Katie gives a totally hilarious explanation of how Ian is all about Tom, Tom, Tom, and why isn't he thinking about her, huh? What about how she feels? What about her, Ian, huh? Katie turns to Ian himself to say that Tom seems pretty unhappy and might vote against Ian. Ian assumes that this means he would go; Katie says that's not necessarily true. In that case -- you guessed it -- it will be all about Katie's vote! That's right, as it turns out, the feud going on between Tom and Ian just serves to make Katie more critical than she already was, if such a thing is possible. "I just have one question for you," Katie tells Ian. "Have you lied to me in the last twenty-four hours?" In other words, she wants to know whether he lied to her when he said he'd vote out Tom. "No," Ian finally answers, knowing he's in trouble but not having a good way out. Because if everyone knows what's being asked, there's certainly no right answer to that question.
And now, it's time to vote. The voting goes on, and then Jeff goes to get the vote box for, like, the 150th time. Seriously. If we showed one-minute segments of Jeff doing nothing but reading votes on this show, you could be here for two and a half hours, because this show has been on since before you were born, doing exactly the same things every week. It was here before your parents were born. This show actually came over on the Mayflower, although at that time, they started out with four hundred castaways, hoping that they would still have two standing at the end after everyone else died of scurvy. You know, it occurs to me that if you were on Survivor long enough, you could actually get scurvy. Can you tell I hate recapping voting segments?
Anyway, the first vote goes to Ian. Second one to Jenn. Third one to Ian. Ian's eyes widen as he leans forward to make sure it doesn't read "JEN [sic]," and I think he knows that's Tom's handwriting and he is truly stunned that Tom actually went through with trying to vote Ian off. Fourth vote is for Jenn. So now, we have a tie, and we will have a re-vote involving Katie and Tom. If they don't change their votes, there will be a tiebreaker. Katie votes. Tom votes. It's all so very tense. Jeff goes to "tally" the two votes. Don't hurt yourself, precious. When he returns, there is...one for Jenn, and one for Ian. So that didn't help very much. As it turns out, Jenn and Ian are going to engage in exactly the same fire-building tiebreaker that Steph and Bobby Jon took part in earlier this season.
Jenn and Ian stand behind the "firemaking urns." Jeff explains that the idea is to build a fire high and hot enough to burn through the rope. Winner moves on to F3. As you might expect based on the fact that her lolling-to-working ratio appeared to be on the high side during much of her time at Camp Koror, A-Jenn is never in it. Ian gets a big flame going, and before you know it -- pop! Ian's flag goes, and he is the winner and gets to move on to F3. Not exactly the way, I'm sure, he pictured it. A-Jenn gets up and takes her torch over to Jeff. They attempt to show Gregg looking upset, but he mostly looks bored, like he's thinking how great it's going to be when he can watch football instead of this. A-Jenn is snuffed, and she takes a walk down the Path of Loserdom, undoubtedly the most invisible player to ever get anywhere near this point in the game. Jeff tells the final three...that they are the final three. I'm sure they appreciate the update, dude. He predicts "an interesting night at camp" as Ian stares miserably at him, having just escaped a most unexpected beheading and, just as disturbing, sort of owing his survival to Katie, ew. The final three head back to camp with their torches. In A-Jenn's exit interview, she expresses her disappointment in Katie's decision not to keep her around. She's not sure if Katie will get her vote now. Was Katie going to get her vote before? Because...why?
Camp Koror. Night 37. Ian sits by the fire. Tom interviews that when they got back, he found himself thinking about the votes he had cast against Ian, and thinking about whether he was right that Ian "just tried to submarine [him]." Tom adds, as if you had any doubt, "It's a personal grudge now." Oh, good. Nothing livens up a game of checkers, Payday, hearts, or Survivor like a personal grudge. As it turns out, Tom is now harping on this with Ian directly -- as if trying to vote him out wasn't enough -- telling him how he might as well fess up, because "it's already out of the bag." Ian isn't sure what Tom wants him to say. "You weren't going with me to the final three to duke it out like men," Tom says. I love the whole "duke it out like men" construct in this context, by the way, as if voting people off in Survivor is kind of pussy, you know? Like voting a guy off is the chicken's way of dealing with him. Until, of course, F3, where Tom could freely have voted Ian off with testosterone aplenty. This is all just so gross, and it's so disappointing coming from Tom. "That is not the truth," Ian says. Tom continues going on and on about how, now, Ian wants Tom to think that just before winning immunity, Ian had in fact decided to "do the right thing." Ian keeps trying to break in, and Tom finally snarls that Ian's "the worst liar" ["true" -- Wing Chun], and that "it's all out now."
Katie now breaks in, displaying exactly the tendency women like her sometimes have to pump everything up and make everything worse -- think about Beth S. in the famous Tami/David blanket-pulling incident -- by bitching that it's so rotten of Ian, because "Tom's been sticking up for [Ian] this whole time." Tom continues the berating, and Ian finally realizes, and says, that no matter what he puts out there in this situation, Ian's going to come off as the bad guy. "Cause you're lying," Tom says. "To her and to me." Katie tells Ian he should "fess up." "Fess up to what?" Ian asks. Katie: "Say that you -- yeah, you told me you were going to take out Tom." As Ian points out, he has already admitted saying that. Furthermore, Tom has already voted against Ian. Clearly, their alliance is over. What is the flogging about? What does Ian owe to Tom at this point? At any rate, Ian is somewhat disbelieving about the morality soup in which he has suddenly landed, and says incredulously, "We're playing a game." "We thought," Tom says haughtily, "we were all playing the game together."
Okay, Tom. First of all, there is no such thing as all playing the game together. Only one person can win; thus, it is a zero-sum game. It's not a team sport. The team can't win. One person wins; everyone else loses. Thus, when there are two choices and one is in your own individual best interests and one is not, the choices are only to act in your own best interests or to act contrary to them. Every alliance -- including this one -- exists because people believe it to be beneficial to them. People don't join alliances for personal reasons, because alliances exist only within the game to begin with. People don't join alliances the way they join the Jaycees, to do community service and bond with the like-minded. They join them in order to get farther in the game, and to have a better shot at the money. That's what an alliance is. You can have allies that are friends, or friends that are allies, or allies you don't like, or friends you're not in an alliance with. It's a separate issue. And every person in every alliance ultimately intends to attempt to win the money himself or herself, and keep the other people from winning it, even if they disagree on the point at which they're going to break off and take that step. I see no particular "honor" issue in cutting your alliance loose one step before it cuts you, if that's your safer move. Why would you not do that? That's the game. It doesn't mean you're choosing the money over the friendship, if there is one, because that should never be the choice, any more than that's the choice in chess. Whatever.
Furthermore, if Tom thought they were "all playing the game together," where's his outrage at Katie? Where? Katie was certainly going to vote out Tom, and she was going to do it a lot sooner than Ian was. Moreover, had Ian not come up with the plan to vote off Gregg after sussing out Katie's plan to flip, Tom would have been voted off long before this. Ian, in that sense, saved Tom's ass when Tom was not only clueless but stubbornly resistant to people like Caryn trying to tell him what was going on. So why is Tom being such an unbelievable dick only to Ian? It makes no sense, and it seems quite out of character. ["Unless it goes back to the whole 'like men' construct, in which he might have expected Katie to act poorly with regard to him because she's only a girl, and what do you expect?" -- Wing Chun]
Anyway, Ian points out that Tom is now "crucifying [Ian] for a decision that [Ian] didn't even make." Which is true. Of course, he talked about making it, but he didn't actually make it. He talked in his confessionals like he would, but people in confessionals say a lot of things, which is how the editors manage to keep up the suspense about whom everyone is voting for. Tom insists that Ian would have made that decision: "You win that immunity necklace, I'm home taking a shower right now." Which is only true if Katie also would have voted against Tom, so what the hell? Tom insists that he just wants Ian to admit that that's what he would have done. And then Katie Beth S.es some more: "It didn't have to be so ugly. It just didn't." Right. That's exactly what happened: Katie -- who was also going to vote against Tom, who had already hit Ian on a occasion with the most ridiculous pantload of guilt-inducing, hypocritical claptrap I have ever heard -- just didn't want things to be "ugly." "What are you trying to salvage?" Tom harangues. "The game is what the game's going to be." Ian insists that he's not trying to salvage anything: "I'm trying to tell you what was going through my mind and my heart and my soul." "Oh," Tom says with disgust. "Oh, it's your soul that's speaking to us now." Katie jumps back in: "Why don't you just say, 'Hey, I'm playing a game, I'm making double deals everywhere, and I got caught.' Why can't you just say that?" Can I ask what fucking business this is of hers anyway? God. SHE SUCKS!
Tom is in full-on self-righteous asshole mode now, and says, referring to Katie's little speech (which she herself could certainly have given repeatedly), "I like that. That's kind of refreshing. Actually, you can borrow that speech. That was a good one." And then Tom just keeps rolling: "I'd love to tell you that it's time to just step up, be a man, and admit to the whole thing, but you know, that'll...I don't know, that'll come with age, I guess, where you're just willing to fess up. It's just weaselly to still be saying that, 'oh, I wasn't going to do it, I wasn't going to do it.' You slipped tonight, and you blew it." Ian looks around, stunned, wondering how he landed in this low-end production of The Crucible, and whether he needs a lawyer.
It just sucks so bad, because Tom is the one who's selling out the friendship for money. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- if they were playing poker for charity, and Ian fooled Tom, Tom would laugh it off. If this were a game for twenty bucks, Tom would laugh it off. Tom is only pissed off because it's a million dollars. Tom is pissed off because Tom wants the money. It's easy for Tom to say it's about honor, because the deployment of honor in this case got him closer to the money. If you ask me, Tom was begrudgingly going to take Ian to F3, not because of honor, but because of the jury votes he would lose if he betrayed his "best bud," and because he believed -- probably correctly -- that he could beat Ian in a jury vote if necessary. I think Tom was thrilled beyond belief at some level to have an excuse to try to vote Ian out at F4. It's always easy to say that everyone should behave honorably when your version of everyone behaving honorably results in -- what do you know! -- your getting a million bucks. If this were about honor, Tom would be equally angry at Katie. The reason he's not is that he could absorb the loss of Katie's vote without losing the money. It was Ian's willingness to vote against him that potentially put him out of the game. When Katie flipped, that was okay, because it didn't actually threaten to put Tom out quite yet. But when Ian flipped, or threatened to, that feels much more immediately like it could cost Tom a million dollars, so all of a sudden, his honor muscle starts to ache. It's pretty transparent, and not at all as admirable as Tom thinks it is. This isn't about honor, it's about money -- and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but dressing it up as something it isn't and specifically setting out to excoriate somebody who looks up to you on a personal level, and doing it over entirely legitimate game play, makes you the worst kind of puffed-up hypocrite, and it's a rotten thing to see happen to somebody who's been, up until now, one of my favorite contestants ever.
The morning, Ian stares miserably into the fire. He's weepy in an interview in which he calls it "one of the worst nights of [his] life." Wing Chun pointed out to me that this kid is just too soft for this game, and it ain't no lie. He explains that he was "laid out" by Tom and Katie, as if nobody else had ever told a lie in the entire game. And at this point, Ian still seems to have some awareness of what utter bullshit this all is, not that he'll be hanging on to that awareness. Katie comes out and sits by Ian by the fire. She asks him what he's going to do today. "I have no idea," he says miserably. She offers him no comfort, no hand on his shoulder, nothing. I have to say, I don't know that I could physically sit to that guy at that point, if he were my friend, without at least putting my hand on his shoulder. Seriously. If Katie's going to carry the banner for there being things in friendship that are bigger than the game, then she needs to carry both halves of that, and she needs to at least give him the hair-tousle. He has the most tousle-able hair ever, too. I'd probably do it every day whether he needed it or not, even when it was dirty. Anyway, Katie is all game. "Are you going to fight?" she says. Ian thinks. "I'm not afraid to," he offers. "I think you should," she says. I believe what he tells her is that he might, but it's hard to hear him. But Katie is right there: "Especially because then, you should pick me," she says. "That was my intention in the first place," Ian says with frustration. "I'd like to believe that," Katie says, trying to make him feel worse. "But it's hard, you know. Last night was really rough." Oh, was it, princess? Was it rough for you, the part where you and Tom tore your friend's guts out? GAH!
In an interview, a rapidly decompensating Ian tells us that he "didn't come out here to play the villain." He talks about how he came out here to win a million dollars, but insists that he "wanted Katie and Tom in the final three, and we got here." It's true that Ian needs to think hard about that in view of the "I intend to vote out Tom" confessionals, but it's also true that -- as I said -- people say a lot of things. As we watch him retrieve treemail, we hear Ian voice over that he's driven to wonder whether he's doing something wrong, or whether he's "just playing the game, like everybody else." The second one! It's the second one, fool! He insists that his plan at this point is to stay and fight.
Ian reads off the treemail that leads us to my least favorite part of any finale -- Snack Time; a.k.a. The Walk Of Dead Survivors. Only it turns out that it's the Paddle of Dead Survivors, in which they're sent out in the Koror canoe to throw all the torches of their dead into the water. They paddle out and collect the torches, as Tom voices over about how great it is to "acknowledge everybody who played with you." Jonathan and Wanda don't even get torches, so fuck them, apparently. Of course, my favorite part is the utter emptiness of the things they say about the early-departing people. In fact, I had an awesome discussion with a friend of mine the other day about what we would want said of us if we were on this show, and he said that since he figured he would be airlifted out on the fourth day after nearly dying of exposure, he figured he'd aim for these very warm words of remembrance: "Gee, I hope he's okay."
But anyway. Of Jolanda, Katie can only say, "Fierce competitor." Because she has no idea what else to say. Jolanda then tells us how she found out how much strength she has and so forth.
Of Ashlee, Ian says, "Sweet belle of the south." Meaningful! Ashlee says it was humbling, finding out how much she sucked, but she really tried to suck as little as possible. (I'm paraphrasing.)
The three in the boat say literally not one word of Jeff, who tells us that he coulda been a contender, if not for that damn coconut. "At least nobody hates me," he says, not adding, "Ian."
Kim is also not discussed. She says that the game taught her to embrace her "mental abilities." Hee.
Willard! "Bye, Willard," Ian says. Man, they're doing a great job paying tribute. Willard vows that he's actually much grumpier in real life. Seriously. This is the stupidest Walk of Dead Survivors ever. It's like if they did the Oscar tribute to all the dead people of that year, only they were all people who were really alive, but had been sick, and no one really knew who any of them were.
"Angie," Katie says, without elaborating. Angie talks of her wonderful experience relying on others. Until they voted her off. That part was less validating.
Things begin to pick up with the torch of James, who Katie says "made [her] laugh every time he came to a challenge." Come awn! Ian calls James "a character," indeed. James says he figured he'd "conquer all." And he adds, "Ooh, doggie." Which is awesome, yet meaningless.
Now, Ibrehem, who gets little sendoff. He says that the game made him "more spiritual." Thank you, Ibrehem.
"Bobby Jon," Tom says, and Katie comments, "Never stopped working." Damn, I loved Bobby Jon. ["God, so did I. I forgot how much until I saw him again. Poor, sweet Bobby Jon." -- Wing Chun] "Tough competitor who always conducted himself like a gentleman," Tom says, in a clip that Bobby Jon will play at home over and over again, while giggling. And then Katie adds, "You're hot." Which, hee. Bobby Jon tells us that he tried as hard as he possibly could, which I don't think anyone doubts, and that's why he's a tragic figure.
No kind words are said about Coby, who proceeds to congratulate himself for being viewed as "a threat." Which: you wish.
Janu is thrown into the sea. She insists that it was "a roller coaster," and not just because of the throwing up.
Farewell, Steph. Everyone loves Steph, who voices over that she underestimated her own strength, and was very proud to be the last standing in her tribe.
And then Katie calls it a "tough one" as they throw over Gregg. He babbles about his friends and his "integrity," which doesn't make me like him a whole lot.
Now, Caryn. Katie says they had "ups and downs," by which she means, "Snack on this, bitch; I'm in the final three, and you're rusting to a big clam." They all claim to like Caryn as a person, and "respect" her. Caryn voices over about how "all-consuming" the game is, and I don't really get her point, which is kind of cult-y sounding.
"This was a really hard one for me," Katie says, throwing over A-Jenn's torch. "Jenn was my best girl out here." A-Jenn claims to have proved she wasn't "the girly-girl." Not sure how that happened, but people need to believe things sometimes. And there you have it. They're all dead. DEAD!
Later, the three who remain make their way to the challenge. Jeff shows them three floating buoys with discs attached to them. The challenge is this: you stand on the disc as long as you can, bobbing away in the water and holding a vertical pole. That's about the size of it. And...go! "Ian," Jeff says, "you think this is going to go a while?" "I think so," Ian says. The other two agree.
At the one-hour mark, Katie is asked what she's thinking about. "Winning immunity," she says, in precisely the "eatin' an apple" voice that I miss so much. Asked what he's thinking about, Ian mentions his "rough night," and says that he's "thinking about a lot of things." Like, it would appear, being a total dumb-ass.
At the two-hour mark, they're all feeling the effects of the wind, which blows the buoys and causes them to all cling to the poles as they lean precipitously. And then the rain starts. As it pours down at the 3:18 mark, Jeff asks Tom whether the rain makes it harder. "Not as difficult as the sun would be," Tom says.
And then, of course, we cut to the four-hour mark, with the sun beating down. Amusing! Ironic! Because, you know, Tom just said...well, never mind. Jeff asks Katie how confident she is that she can win. She says she's confident she can if someone "makes a mistake." Of course, this one isn't nearly as prone to losses of balance or concentration as some past endurance challenges have been. This one really is much more pure, and it's not surprising that it went on for a long time. Jeff asks Ian how confident he is. "Pretty confident," Ian says, but then adds that you never know. "Think you can beat Tom?" Jeff asks. "Yep," Ian says, and then we look over at Tom, smiling at him in a way that's either accidentally affectionate or purposely snotty, and it's actually kind of hard to say which. Katie says she's not enjoying it, because her back hurts.
Evening. Coming near the five-hour mark. Katie is shifting around a lot, and says she's "in a bad way." She runs out of steam and steps down 4:51 into the proceedings. Ian and Tom look at each other. Jeff asks Tom what hurts, and he says "everything's numb from the knees down." Ian, on the other hand, claims to be feeling "pretty good."
They stand. They stand. They stand. Katie naps on the raft with Jeff. Heh. At 8:11, Jeff comments that not a word has been spoken in four and a half hours, including the idea of any sort of a deal. Tom and Ian both hit Jeff with jokes about whether he's going to offer food, and Jeff makes a disapproving face, like, lighten up, there, Captain Smarm. "I'm just getting warmed up," Ian finally says. But Tom does have something to say to Ian: "If I beat you at this event, I'm taking Katie to the final," he says. "You step off that perch, I'm taking you." That is the stupidest deal of all time. In an interesting hint of what's to come, Ian says, "Okay, I won't step off the perch." Tom urges Ian to take the offer. And then he gets all asshole, going, "You're that afraid of going to tribal against me right now? All your persuasive language skills?" ["Ooh, that was catty. Who knew Tom was such a bitch?" -- Wing Chun] Ian comes back: "I'll tell you what: you jump first, we have a deal." "Okay, I'll count to three," Tom says bitterly. "Yeah, right," Ian says back. Ian declares that he's "hanging out here for a while." "Come on, I," Tom says. "Final two." Ian: "I'm not going to go out on your terms." And it is here that this entire thing begins to feel vaguely Shakespearean, you know? Father and son, struggling for power...it's very laden with something, although it may just be bullshit. "So step down and pay a few college loans," Tom says. "A hundred thousand dollars. It's not chump change." Ian comes back, as he must: "I thought you wanted to duke it out, Tom." And then Ian continues: "If I don't step down, I'm gonna beat you." Tom: "That's why I can't step down...and won't step down." It's all very Clash of the Titans.
The music builds. We go to a commercial.
When we return, Tom and Ian are still camped out on their poles. It has now been eleven hours and forty-five minutes since they stepped up there. Think about what time it is where you are. Think about twelve hours ago. That is a freaking long time they have been standing up there, y'all. Ian looks over at Tom a little...mischievously, I would say. Finally, Ian says, "Okay, I have a solution." He goes on: "As you know, I've had an interesting day. Um. I'll go down. And take Katie. And I'll give up the million to get back your guys's friendship." Jeff jumps in: "Wait. You will step down if [Tom] doesn't take you, but instead takes Katie. As a way to show that you do care about these guys." Ian confirms that is what he means. "You would do that," Tom says. Ian confirms his intention again. Jeff straightens out yet again what Ian is offering, and he's the first to refer to it as "taking back [his] integrity." Which is such a pile of horseshit, but okay. Ian tells Jeff that he doesn't want to leave the game feeling the way he's feeling, so he'll step down and step out. He tells Tom that he's said all along that the friendship was more important, and standing up there is making him feel like "a traitor to that." Jeff asks Tom whether it would work for Ian to do this to get Tom's respect back. "Ian would have my friendship after this game anyway," Tom says, which of course he can afford to do, "but he wins my respect back." By giving up the money. See? They had no deal for anything regarding this stage of the game, so this isn't about honor. This is about money. "He wins my respect back by handing over the money." Gross. Absolutely gross. Tom just sold Ian his respect, and no amount of honor talk is going to change it, and it's gross. Ian turns, and with a swell of music, he jumps into the water. At 11:55 into the challenge. Dude. I can't believe he didn't wait for the twelve-hour mark.
Of course, as one of my friends pointed out, the truly bad-ass move for Tom would have been to say that Ian's being willing to do that was all it took, that they were square, and that he wanted to -- what was it? -- "duke it out like men." One demonstration of loyalty from Ian, one show of loyalty -- let's call it even and forget the whole thing. After all, Tom already paid Ian back for his "sin" by voting twice to try to get Ian booted and forcing Ian into a tiebreaker just to survive. You'd think that "honor" would suggest that your move there is not to accept somebody's quitting in order to please you. You tell them that the gesture is enough. It would have been a rare moment of grace in a stupid show, not to mention maybe the sexiest thing to ever happen, but it is not to be. ["And furthermore, if Katie really cared about their friendship, she might have roused herself long enough to tell Ian not to do that for her, and that she didn't want to get in the final two that way. Not that I really expected it of her, of course, because SHE SUCKS." -- Wing Chun]
So, Tom wins immunity. He and Ian clamber up onto the raft where Jeff awaits. And they hug. "I was about to fall off, too -- I'm surprised you did that," Tom says warmly. And Ian playfully shoves Tom, and he falls in, so they're totally friends again -- and all Ian had to do was give Tom the money. Isn't Tom a great guy? -- and then Ian and Katie hug. Because Ian is a big, big sucker. Tom takes the necklace, and Jeff decides that just in case Tom were to get a pang of the stupidity of what he's doing between now and tribal council, they'll just hold tribal council here, verbally. Which -- what? They will? Since when? Gross! Unfair! Come on, Probst -- send them back to camp and let it play out. That sucks. Of course, Tom votes out his "buddy Ian." I mean, before he does it, he asks Ian -- in front of everyone, with no time to think -- whether he still means it about the deal, and Ian says he does. Not that he has a choice after seeing what Tom tried to do to him all day. So Tom tells us how he now feels a lot better. What with the million dollars and everything. Katie and Tom are sent back to the beach; Ian is taken away with Jeff.
The sun rises on Day 39, over Tom and Katie. Tom starts talking to Katie about comparing their dreams, and then he's marveling over how they're the final two, without "anybody else here at camp," blah dee blah. They discuss how the time is almost here to leave camp. Katie talks about how "this is it" and so forth. Tom interviews that Katie is "so likeable" (!) and "such a character," and how he's not sure whether people might give it to her rather than Captain Immunity. And then he blathers that he can't believe he's here and so forth. He talks about how they're leaving the beach for good, which of course is "bittersweet" as always.
And now, it is time for the ceremonial Burning Of Camp. Tom shouts out their plans for the "celebratory bonfire." They burn the picnic table, the dishes, the sleeping mats, the coffee pot, and a variety of other things that geeks would have paid a jillion dollars for on eBay. Katie voices over about how inside Tom is this "scary beast," not hitting on "smug prick," which is actually the way to attack Tom at this point. She vows to reveal Tom's machinations to the jury. Katie and Tom climb into the canoe and abandon Koror for good, as the Trumpet of Pretend Gravity tootles. Katie hopes to get credit for her choices. Tom promises "no half-truths" with the jury. Honor! I'm so tired.
"AAAAH-AAAAAH," says the dark Tribal Council Music. As usual, this is about as overproduced as a Busby Berkeley musical in reverse, so everything is serious and every dance number includes only one girl. When Tom and Katie are seated, the jurors are brought in. Jeff reminds them that, now, the jury has the power. Thanks, Jeff.
Coby sits pouting with his arms crossed as Tom tees up for his opening statement. Tom claims that he's honored to be there, because he loves honor. "Judge me on who I was," he says, "the fact that I came out, I played real hard, tried to provide, went out and did my work, and never had a nasty word for any of you." He does not add, "Except Ian, whom I tormented mercilessly to get to this point." He returns to "honor," and "humbling," and so forth. Now, on to Katie. She says that she and Tom played very differently, and she's not "even close to Tom in some aspects." She emphasizes, though, that she managed to keep herself in the game without ever having immunity, so she obviously knew something. She insists that attaching herself to Tom and Ian was her plan from the beginning, so there ought to be some respect for that. She, too, is "honored" to be in F2. Oh, everyone is so honored when they're so close to money.
And now, it is time for what is almost always the grossest part of a Survivor season: the snotty jury questions. And leading off? Oh, yeah. It's Coby. A perfect opening, snotty-wise. "So this is going to be serious," Coby says. "I have issues." Well, yes. Yes, you do. And not the ones you think. "I'm bringin' 'em," Coby says, because he thinks he's a bad-ass. "Bring 'em on," Tom says, smiling because he knows Coby isn't a bad-ass. "I respect the fact that I was outplayed by the two of you," Coby says. "But that doesn't mean that I have to respect the way either of you played the game." Well, in fact, it does. If you were genuinely "outplayed," as opposed to other people cheating or something, then I don't see how you can't respect that, but...okay. "So, Katie," he says, and Katie grins and nods, and Coby claims that she's making the whole thing so tough with her "little grin." Don't worry, Coby -- it won't last. Coby just wants to take this opportunity to tell Katie that if he votes for her, it won't be a vote for her, it will just be a vote against Tom. He tells her that she sat out of challenges, she didn't work enough around camp...oh. And: "Your self-proclaimed 'social skills' really don't lie anywhere outside of your alliance." He goes on to tell her, as people have been doing since time immemorial, that she was "riding the coattails of people who do play the game." Of course, there is no such thing as riding coattails in this game, at all, ever. We've been over this. But Coby says it anyway, because it's better than admitting that he shot his own foot off by being such an asshole to everyone. Coby then turns his attention to Tom, and says that Tom played "almost as dirty as [Coby] would have liked to." In fact, he played, Coby says, "every bit as dirty as Ian." So that's the new mythology -- that Ian played dirty. And then there's something about how Tom dances around things at tribal council, and Coby doesn't really wind up asking a question; he just says that he's going to be watching Tom's answers. Or something. And then Coby gets all dramatic: "And know, with every word you say, it could cost you a million dollars." It would be all I could do not to burst out laughing with some of these speeches, seriously.
Now, it's time for Gregg. He tells Tom that when there were seven people left, Tom didn't have immunity, and was at risk. And he says that he and Tom had a discussion about the fact that anyone who broke the five-person alliance would pay for it in the jury. So Gregg would like to know why he should give his vote to Tom. Because Gregg, he claims, kept his word. Kept his word! And...like, think about the idiocy of this question. Think about how absurd this wounded-bird thing Gregg's putting on really is. Gregg was plotting against Tom on the boat before he was ever voted out. He broke that alliance well before Tom did. In fact, he plotted to break it from very early on, all the way back when he made a side deal with Coby. And now Gregg is...the defender of the five-person alliance? It's insane, if he actually believes this, which he appears to. Surprisingly, Tom's response manages to be even stupider: Tom tells Gregg that he was falsely led to believe that Gregg was plotting against him. By the new scapegoat of Koror, Ian. Of course, Ian absolutely correctly figured out what was happening with Gregg and with Katie, and pretty much saved Tom's ass by putting him on notice. And now Tom is claiming to have cleverly since figured out that he was misled. So these two guys, Tom and Gregg, are totally idiotically talking past each other in a conversation in which neither of them has a leg to stand on in terms of what they're saying, but they're both speaking with total conviction nevertheless. They're both men of honor and nonsense. "Katie," Gregg says. "You were worthless around camp. You were insignificant -- even embarrassing -- on challenges. You would think that the least that you could do was, you know, make some friends around camp. Yet I still can count a number of instances where you've ridiculed, made fun of, almost all these jury members, and even betrayed them at times. So my question to you is, explain to me and the jury how being so pathetic is your [finger-quotes] plan, and not your plan to get an invite to number two, but your plan to win you a million dollars."
You know, one of my peeps talks about how the stupidest jury question is, "My question is I WANT AN APOLOGY," and while this isn't that, it is, in fact, "My question is YOU SUCK," which I hate almost as much. It's not that I don't see some of what Gregg is saying, but this is just gratuitous, in the sense that he's only using words like "pathetic" because, essentially, he can. There's a way a guy like this uses a word like "pathetic" on a girl like Katie -- not the prettiest girl, kind of the girl who knows she's not the most popular but tries to get by anyway -- that's reminiscent of the football quarterback taking time out of his day to really stick it to a student-council geek, you know? It's unnecessary. He knows Katie has a weak spot, and he's pounding on it as hard as he can, trying to make her eat shit because he's momentarily in the power position, and it's very, very unflattering. He gives the impression here of very specifically trying to hurt Katie -- in fact, he gives the impression of having planned this speech to be as hurtful to her as possible. It's more than venting; it's unsettlingly vicious in a way that I would never have seen coming from this guy. ["And yet it's echoed in a lot of other jurors' questions, which made me think they all got together and compared notes kind of a lot." -- Wing Chun]
Katie is momentarily floored, and initially doesn't know where to start. She picks up on the worst word in the speech without any trouble, saying she's sorry Gregg thinks she's "pathetic." "And I'm sorry you had to go there," she adds, almost tearing up but pulling herself back at the last minute as she says, "because I would never say anything like that about you." She says she doesn't think she's pathetic. She doesn't have "an athletic card" to play, and she says it yet again in defending herself -- "pathetic." She tells Gregg she had a strategy, and she followed it. Three times she mentioned the word "pathetic." I guess in a way, Gregg should be proud of himself for clearly finding something that really upset and hurt Katie, as that appeared to be the plan.
Steph steps up. She congratulates Tom and Katie for being there. She then reminds Tom of what he said to her when he pulled her aside and said he'd do what he could to fight for her. She'd like to know what, exactly, he did to fight for her. He tells her that he couldn't break his five-person alliance. Because, of course, Steph should understand that Tom wouldn't sacrifice himself for her, right? Right? Because it's only Tom for whom others are to sacrifice themselves. Steph asks Katie why Steph shouldn't vote for Tom. Katie claims that she hoped not to do this, but she feels she must, and then she says that Tom came to her before Steph even came to Koror, saying that whichever Ulong person came over, they needed to take that person out right away. Tom looks at her like she's crazy, but she repeats it. Tom's answer makes no sense. He says that he would have no reason to tell Katie -- when they might have had a four-way alliance with him, Ian, Katie, and Steph -- to get rid of Steph. Well, sure he would. If he believed going with the five-person group within which you have a three-person group is safer, you'd absolutely tell Katie that it had to be Steph. In fact, if you thought it was going to be Steph, you would certainly tell that to Katie. Why does it matter that Steph was in your alliance? Katie swears it happened. Tom doesn't, technically speaking, ever deny it -- he just says it wouldn't make sense for him to have done that. Steph has a seat.
Janu stands up. She starts with Tom, asking him to tell her how hard it was to "compromise [his] integrity" in the game. Tom says that he didn't compromise his integrity. He drew his lines, and he didn't cross them. He played hard, and "with as much honor" blah dee blah. He claims he tried not to hurt people. (Except Ian, I guess.) Now, it starts raining. Janu turns to Katie and says she wants to hear three positive and three negative adjectives about the way Katie played. And in an interesting, stupid, and weirdly admirable maneuver, Katie basically says that she knows Janu isn't going to vote for her, so she's not going to play that game. That's reckless and dumb for about six different reasons, of course, but I always want somebody in F2 to tell somebody on the jury to fuck off, because the dynamic can otherwise be revoltingly obsequious. Janu tries to get all, "You don't know you don't have my vote," and Katie shrugs, which again is stupid and slightly awesome. Janu is done, because Katie just won't play.
And now, Caryn. She asks Tom what she was to him. Pawn? Friend? Tom reminds her that she never was promised that she was in any alliance with Tom. He says he just told her they could "look out for each other's backs." And she returns to all her stuff about whether it was "legitimate and genuine," and blah blah, and then Tom tells her that he won't answer -- she should find the answer "in [her] heart." Barf. Now, Caryn moves on to Katie. She says she's going to say what she "observe[d]" about Katie: "You were phony and cruel to everyone except Tom and Ian. Aside from that, I also observed, laziest person at camp, mean, bad at challenges, unkind, and betrayed me. Give me one reason I should vote for you." I love that Caryn called Katie out for being bad at challenges. Caryn was probably the only person more lame than Katie at challenges. If Katie needed someone to whoop at log-rolling in order to save her life, I think Caryn is exactly whom she would call. I think, incidentally, that it's during Caryn's question that Katie realizes that she has absolutely no shot at the money whatsoever, and she just moves on to getting through the rest of this as painlessly as possible. She says that she's sorry Caryn thinks she's unkind, and she's sorry Caryn is obviously judging on a personal level. Caryn gets all, "The question was, Katie, these are the things I observed." Which wasn't the question. The question was "Give me one reason I should vote for you." And what Katie is saying is that if you think she sucks as a person and you're voting on a personal level, there's probably no reason to vote for Katie, because the reasons she could give you to vote for her are game-based. I also love that Caryn tries to dis Katie for being "carried" by an alliance, as if that isn't exactly what Caryn tried to do. I mean, honestly. Caryn basically tried to displace Katie in Katie's alliance, and now she's trying to get snitty? Whatever. Katie tells Caryn that there's no shame in alliances. And with the growing boldness of the condemned, Katie says, "That's why you're sitting over there, because you didn't make one." Spot-on, of course. Caryn has no smart-ass comeback for this, so she sarcastically says, "I got it, Katie," which is her way of pretending she's just holding back her brilliant rejoinder.
A-Jenn. She congratulates Katie and Tom. She basically tells Tom that she thinks he's a chauvinist who didn't respect her. Why should he get her vote? Huh. Good question. Tom tells A-Jenn that he didn't respect her game until late, when she pushed the issue of Ian's betrayal. Of course, she didn't think of it when she should have, so whatever. But that's what Tom says -- that he then learned to respect her game. Bleh. A-Jenn makes a really weird comment to Katie about how bad it is to just let people disrespect you over and over and take it, and for a minute, I think she's going to tell Katie she needed to tell more of the jurors to stick it. Like Gregg. Which would have been awesome. But no, she's on a more general something-or-other about how Katie had chances to "play this game like a strong woman." Or something. She wants to know whether Katie was "a strong woman or a doormat." A doormat? I'm so confused. Katie tells A-Jenn that she thinks that self-preservation is strong on its own. "I'm not here to prove that I'm a strong woman," she says. "I believe I am a strong woman. By me sticking to my plan and my strategy, yeah, I feel good about my game." A-Jenn sits.
And...Ian. He says he's going to ask them the same question. And it's this: "What's the biggest reason that we as a group shouldn't give you a million dollars?" Katie answers that if they didn't care for her "personality" or "sense of humor" -- which she was under the impression people "got a kick out of" (insert Coby making a face, as if he has any room to talk on this point at all) -- then that would be a reason. Tom answers that he's "already had [his] payday." Tom says that he's had a great experience with them, so he's already had a wonderful time, blah blah. He is a very smooth operator, I'll tell you that.
And now, closing statements. Tom says that this was him, "good or bad," and he stuck with who he said he would. He even manages to throw a little more mud at Ian, who already fucking quit the game for Tom's ungrateful ass, saying how he stuck with people "at folly" and, as a result of that, "hurt some other people." Of course, Ian was telling Tom the truth about those things, so...whatever, Tom. Anyway, Tom apologizes for those hurts, while blaming others for them, and says he's willing to be judged however they want, and that there are no hard feelings in any event.
Katie says that she's sorry if she hurt people, and wants to say that first. She says that Tom was the biggest competition coming in, and that's why she aligned with him and with Ian. She asks them to consider that she got here in spite of having basically nothing to work with going up against Tom. Which is...kind of a good point, in a strange way. It's one thing to get to F2 as Tom with a billion immunities -- it's another to get here as Katie when you can't run very fast and get tired easily. She says she had a plan, she executed it, and she's leaving with her self-respect.
Time to vote. Jeff reminds them that they're supposed to vote for someone, not against anyone. Steph votes first. Janu votes for Tom, saying it's because she had this "incredible experience" because Tom chose her on the first day. Gregg votes. Caryn votes. Coby votes for Katie, saying he got more "honesty" from Katie. A-Jenn votes. Ian votes. Jeff thanks the jury for their work, and he goes and gets the votes. He tells them that, of course, there will be no vote-reading now, only later. He leaves.
For some reason, we are spared the absurd Where In The World Is Jeff Probst business where he whizzes across the ocean on a waterproof moped or something, and he just plain walks into the studio in New York where the live finale will take place. I kind of feel robbed. He steps up to the podium. Everyone cheers. "Let's get to it," he says. If the audience doesn't shut up, though, it won't happen. Tom and Katie are both waiting patiently to hear. Winner gets a million bucks! And a car! And let's freaking get going, dude. Takes four votes to win.
First vote, Tom. Second vote, Katie. Third vote, Tom. Fourth vote, Tom. Fifth vote, Tom. And that will do it. Aw, that's cool. Despite making me mad in this episode, Tom is a really good guy, and at least he played an awesome, strong game, and it's always good to have a guy with an awesome, strong game win, because it means the jury didn't entirely vote like they sometimes do and like I thought they might, spiting the person who really beat them by rewarding a much less impressive player. Tom and Katie hug. She is not surprised. He runs out to hug his family. Back at the firehouse, there is cheering. The rest of the dead Survivors walk in behind the jury, stretching to obtain relevance. Jeff talks about the unexpected ending, Ian's stupid deal, and other mysteries, like lame-ass Ulong and the way it was eaten. Just come back soon, people. We've got a reunion left to go.