Exile Island

Previously on Pizza Burden: Steph came over and joined Koror, and she was immediately welcomed with open arms, which happened to be full of brambles and knives. Coby decided that in the absence of allies who could protect him, he would try a new strategy involving being really, really selfish and bitchy, because everyone think that's hilarious and adorable when the women on Sex And The City do it. The tribe chowed down on fish and lobster, and Tom had a bit too much of the free booze. (Been there.) At the immunity challenge, everyone gradually hopped off their perches in return for food, and Tom was eventually left to carry home individual immunity, which came, as usual, in the form of ugly jewelry. The weakened Janu was passed over for eviction in favor of the snooty Coby, who was sure that he was booted only because everyone respected him so very much. (And also, it's not him, it's them, and also they think he's a great person, and also they just aren't ready to get serious with anyone right now.) So Coby went home and, one hopes, shaved. Because all that facial hair just was not flattering. Now, there are eight left. Who will go ?

Koror, Day 25. Flies are present in large numbers. Janu is tying up her hair as Caryn makes a hash mark on the team's improvised calendar. Janu interviews that Coby was, of course, voted off last night, and comments that this surprised her, which is your first clue that Janu is more than a bit alienated from the tribe, all of which seemed to be in on the vote except for her. She is also getting thinner by the second, it appears, and she looks downright skeletal in the interview in which she says that she was so stunned that she couldn't even say goodbye to Coby. She adds she felt "betrayed" because she hadn't been told in advance what was going on. What I find so amusing is that we've gone from a first season in which alliances were considered dishonorable in and of themselves, all the way to a tenth season in which the failure to make someone a part of a previously agreed-upon group vote is a betrayal. Everyone knows you have to tell the entire group what the bloc-voting plan is so that they don't have to vote on their own! After all, if Janu really liked Coby, why would she have enjoyed being offered the opportunity to gang up on him? It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Out in the water, Anonymous Jen and Katie have a conversation in which Katie talks about Janu's behavior at tribal council. She compares Janu's face to a jack-o-lantern, which...isn't nice at all, but I have to give Katie the fact that Janu does look pretty weird and a little...desiccated at this stage of the proceedings. Janu's actually sort of lucky Katie didn't say she looks like a jack-o-lantern as of, like, November 8th. Katie interviews, showing her usual capacity to be That Obnoxious Girl In Study Hall, that "Janu is completely mad." A-Jen and Katie talk about how Janu was all excited, thinking she was going home, and then it didn't happen. Katie goes on to say that Janu's reaction was "scary," and that Katie "didn't like it at all."

In an interview, Caryn explains, pretty level-headedly, that Katie was "gossiping" about Janu, and Janu overheard it and got upset. Indeed, as we watch, Janu and Katie get into it, and Janu calls it "junior high" that Katie is talking about her behind her back. When Janu makes it clear that she wants to hear directly from Katie about whatever is bothering her, Katie says, "You were being creepy. I'm sorry." And if you demand to hear things directly, that's what's going to happen. You're going to hear things you don't want to, like, "You're being creepy." And then Janu goes into a big thing about "why don't you tell me to my face?," and...again, I swear, I do not understand the value these people place on being insulted directly. I mean, if it's someone you're supposedly close friends with, that's one thing. But Janu and Katie aren't friends. Come on! Janu got her feelings hurt because she overheard something Katie didn't mean for her to overhear, and it's certainly clumsy and probably insensitive of Katie and A-Jen not to make sure they weren't overheard, but you don't actually have the right to tell people that they can't say negative things about you unless they're willing to share them with you. There's nothing dishonorable about telling a friend that a third party was making weird faces at a meeting. People who claim not to do that, ever, are lying. (Or boring.) And it occurs to me that the world really would not be a better place if everyone shared all of their unkind thoughts directly. ["To me, that was the message of the climactic school-wide riot in Mean Girls: the social order works because we say mean things behind each other's backs." -- Wing Chun] You're meant to have outlets to express your frustrations within reason, and while you're responsible for the content of your venting when you do it on television, you don't do anything wrong merely by keeping your less flattering comments about people from the people at whom they're directed, it seems to me.

At any rate, when Janu presses the issue, Katie -- in a way that I think is warming up to be relatively sincere, all things considered -- says, "I'm sorry; I just didn't --" and of course, Janu can't have that, because if Katie offers an appropriate, low-key apology for being tacky about being overheard, that will deny Janu the ability to complain further. So Janu cuts her off, saying, "No, you don't have to be sorry. That's who you are." Oh, nice. The quality of any argument is increased by the transformation of undesirable behaviors into innate, unchangeable character traits. "Well, I'm telling you that I am," Katie says. "I apologize; that wasn't fair." Janu presses the dumb insult-me-to-my-face point, saying, "I'm not used to playing games. ["Then maybe you shouldn't have come on a game show?" -- Wing Chun] If I had something to say about you, I swear to God I would come up and say it to your face." Wow. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone I know who isn't like that. How horrible would that make everyone's day? "Excuse me, Harry? I just wanted to tell you I hate that shirt." "Good morning, Greta! By the way, if you tell one more story about your dog, I'm going to follow you home and shoot it." "No, I really don't want to go out with you again. It's your laugh. It makes my teeth vibrate." BAH! What a world.

Anyway, Katie interviews that Janu then got all upset and wound up "doing" Katie "doing" Janu, which she says was "even more scary," and...I kind of see that, actually. For whatever reason, Janu feels the need to tell Katie again, "I am very upset." Which...if you won't accept an apology, it's hard to imagine what the point of this dressing-down is supposed to be at this point. Katie tells Janu that she apologized for her behavior, and that if Janu chooses not to accept her apology and "can't get over that," then -- and Janu cuts her off: "It doesn't matter if I can or not. You're done. You're done in the conversation." Gregg steps in, saying that he doesn't want this to blow up into a big thing, and Janu, of course, has to make sure no one misses out on her personal drama, saying, "It's going to turn into whatever it's going to turn into, because all you guys are going to turn on each other." Yeah, you know, it's...hard to imagine how she wound up not having a lot of friends.

Gregg interviews that Janu has become "something that we need to, you know, put up with out here." He calls her presence "kind of a buzzkill," but goes on to say that's not a reason to vote her out. Janu plays a role in his strategy, whereas -- dun dun dunnnnn! -- Stephenie does not, and in fact, Stephenie "threatens" Gregg's strategy. Gregg points out that while some people think Stephenie "deserves" to be here, his opinion is that whoever helps him, that's who deserves to be there. And, amen to that. "Winning this game is hardly about deserving," he says, and as much as I love Steph, I could almost jump through the TV and kiss Gregg for saying that. I won't, though. That's how I wound up in the emergency room trying to explain the glass shards in my nose that one time. "If you have a role in my strategy, then you deserve to be here so you can help me win a million dollars," he says. And really, they ought to print that on every buff they hand out for the rest of this show's life.

We move to a challenge beach. Jeff welcomes the tribe and tells them that, in this challenge, the tribe will divide into two groups of four. Each group will carry six pieces of scaffolding out into the water, one at a time, and use them to construct a tower. Once the tower is built, one person will climb up it and get a flag, and then they'll come down, and the team will race up onto the beach. First one to get there with the flag will win reward. The reward will involve meeting with a high chief at a traditional meeting house, where they'll have beer, dinner, and dessert. Time to get going.

The two tribes are Steph, Ian, Katie and Jen, versus Tom, Gregg, Janu, and Caryn. Ready? Go! I have to say that of all the really tedious challenges I have ever recapped, this is the most tedious. There's just very, very little I can tell you, with the exception of a few things. Janu and Caryn initially do nothing, while the entire other group gets to work. After Probst makes a couple of hinting remarks, Janu finally starts participating, and ultimately does well. Katie becomes the drag on her team, because she's just...really not fast. Ian and Steph are very frustrated with their team, but they can't move as quickly as the Tom-and-Gregg-driven other group. So it goes on and on and on and ON and on, but very little happens, and ultimately, Tom, Gregg, Caryn, and Janu win reward. Man, that damn thing took forever. And for someone who hasn't apparently had the energy for two weeks to do anything around camp except lie in a hammock, Janu certainly did pour it on during the challenge that stood to net her a reward. That's the kind of thing that will not make you any friends on your tribe.

Later, the winners make their way to their feast. They are welcomed by a group of locals, as Tom explains how great it was "to meet the people," and to respect them and be respected by them. "It's just another gift that I bring home," he says. Caryn agrees that being blessed by a real chief and given a floral headpiece was pretty damn cool. You know, I would take a floral headpiece right about now. They enjoy some dancing entertainment as Gregg praises this look at "what is life in Palau really like." ["When tourists are around, yes." -- Wing Chun] Dancing follows. Once that's over with (thank goodness, because culture, yuck!), they adjourn to a little building where the feast is to be held. Janu explains that they sat down and were confronted with "epicurean delights." It's good to know that the energy that she hasn't been putting into digestion, Janu is now devoting to vocabulary development. Caryn eats at the little table as she voices over that there wasn't any strategy talk -- everyone just tried to enjoy the food. But very quickly, of course, it turns into a drama about the Endless Suffering of Janu, who tells us, "I'm going to make myself sick." She excuses herself from the table, explaining, "I thought I was going to have an embolism." Excuse me, an embolism? Awfully dramatic for a case of indigestion. I'm not sure I've ever read the instruction, "In case of embolism, induce vomiting." Caryn asks rather disbelievingly whether Janu is throwing up all this food, and Gregg confirms that she is. Gregg interviews that it was too bad to waste part of a feast like this on somebody who couldn't actually enjoy it. Then, just because we love the people in the cheap seats, Janu gives a very impressive, rattling belch, and we are done.

Back at camp, the feasters return to find the rest of the group eating dinner. They begin to describe all the food -- the ribs, the salad, the chicken and corn...everything but the throwing up. Caryn explains in her interview that they held back for a while on the fact that they had brought some food back, but eventually spilled the beans -- literally, sort of. Everyone digs in very happily. Tom laughs as he explains that Janu took some of the food for herself that they had brought back for the others. Katie also calls this "interesting" in an interview, pointing out that Caryn did the same thing. "But," Katie says, "what are we going to say? 'Get your hands off something that you brought us'? I don't think so." So I think that to Katie's credit, she had exactly the right attitude in that situation, which is that it's a little weird and maybe a little uncouth to eat the food you bring back for your starving comrades, but it's not like it's something they have any standing to complain about. It's basically taking a gift back, or taking part of a gift back, and you can't really complain when people do that, but it's going to raise eyebrows.

On what is presumably the day, A-Jen heads out to pick up some treemail with Tom and Steph, and she brings out a cage-like plank with a note attached that references claustrophobia and panic. Betting that this isn't some kind of Jeff-Probst-ian sex game, they quickly come up with the idea of an underwater cage. Steph interviews that, as she understands it, whatever this challenge turns out to be, she needs immunity as the finger-quoted "strongest girl," and someone who is perceived as a threat. Despite, you know, never having won immunity, ever. Stealthy! She says that she's "doing the best [she] can out here."

The tribe converges on a beach. Jeff takes back the necklace from Tom, and then he tells them that this will be an experiment in not panicking. They'll go out and set themselves up under a sort of a grate out in the water. They'll start in water up to their necks, but as the water rises as the tide comes in, they'll gradually get squashed against the grate and run out of breathing room. Person who stays in the longest will get immunity. Also, the first person who bails will be taken off to a separate beach to spend the night alone with just flint and steel, a can of water, and a machete. It will be like your own private Jack London story. Or maybe that Stephen King one where the doctor eats his own foot. With that bad news delivered, Probst sends them out into the water.

Everyone heads out into the water. As they all sit there, feeling a little like jackasses, Ian says, "So this man walks into a bar," and they all chuckle. "He's got a bar in one hand...and a bar in the other," Katie adds. As Jeff makes ominous remarks about how the first to quit will be sent off alone, clearly irked that they're not taking this whole thing seriously enough, Tom says, "I'm thinking of stepping out just to get away from this crowd for a night, Jeff," and there is laughing. "A little vacation from the tribe," he adds. Jeff asks A-Jen if she'd be okay alone, and she says she suspects that she'd find it "tough." Asked about her prospects, Janu says, "I would do my best." She then adds, "I'm already getting cold in here, so I don't know how long." Jeff asks her which is worse -- being cold in the water, or being left alone. "Probably hanging in this water cold right now," she says. "Are you starting to panic a little?" Jeff asks. "Yeah," she says, and swims out from under the grate. "Just like that, Janu's out," Jeff says. There is laughing that's shown here, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It's not that I don't think they might laugh at a joke made there about her leaving, but it's hard for me to imagine that they would all spontaneously laugh at the same time just because Jeff said, "Just like that, Janu's out." I mean, she kind of deserves it, once you see the graphic that says she lasted all of six minutes, which isn't even enough time for once through "Paradise By The Dashboard Light," but still. (Did you know that song is eight fucking minutes long? I had no idea until recently.)