The Instigator

Previously on The Devil You Know, The Devil You Don't, And The Devil Who Isn't Really A Devil So Much As A Twerp: The stinky/crawling/decaying food challenge and the lumbering/camera-shy/embarrassing relative challenge came together as one when various mothers and brothers and sons and such gathered to weigh the benefits of seeing their loved ones eight days early against the detriments of hosting a live grub in their intestines. Bucky Bo feared no intestinal parasites, so Big Tom was the winner, and he took Boston Rob and Boston Mike along for a beer blast at the former Camp Chapera. Back at camp, Rupert was unhappy with Rob and Amber for not being as sparkly and perfect as he is -- which, coincidentally, was the same reason he had been squabbling with Jenna earlier. It comes up a lot, apparently. The immunity challenge was surprisingly ragged, full of inept fire-building and half-assed water-carrying and hope against hope that Shii Ann wouldn't swipe immunity for herself again and take up space for another week. She almost did, frighteningly enough, but Big Tom grabbed it at the last minute, much to his own relief. While Shii Ann scrambled back at camp and tried to bring about the booting of Jenna, she was ultimately unable to save her own neck. Goodbye, Shii Ann. May your eyes roll on in happiness, far away from any setting in which I have to watch.

Credits. Remember how much more you liked some of these people at the beginning of the season? Lex? Kathy? And can you believe what a bunch of boring nincompoops wound up on the jury? An "All-Star" season decided on the basis of the opinions of...Alicia and Shii Ann? It's hard to get excited, I have to admit, because most of these people are stiffs. It's like having a gourmet food contest judged by the guy who fries the French toast sticks at Burger King. And burns them about half the time.

The clouds are thick and depressing on Day 34 over Camp Chaboga Mogo, where it is pouring rain. And as you all know, in the lexicon of reality motifs, rain stands for betrayal, just like walking on the beach represents loneliness and birds represent danger if they fly alone and happiness if they fly in groups. What, you didn't know that? What are you, new? Rupert and Big Tom are, for whatever reason, moving a large plank of wood somewhere and laying it down. I think they're covering the fire, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if they just do that from time to time -- just kind of rearrange the big logs. You know how there are old ladies who dust their plants every day because it gives them a feeling of control over the universe? Yeah. Same thing. Rupert complains in an interview that the weather is "terrible." It rains every day, their pitiful shelter leaks, and at this point, those who remain "stink like rotten dogs." Yes, that's what he says. "Rotten dogs." I can just imagine him, sitting around on his porch, muttering to his wife, "These dogs stink of rot and death!" But I'm sure he wouldn't chop them up. Probably. Rupert predicts that the challenges will "become more mental, more physical, [and] more stressful." Then he goes all wise-sage on us with this gem: "Camp life is hard." Oh, pipe down, Rupert. Any dog will tell you that rotting is a lot harder. (And so, by the way, is comedy. Rimshot!)

Rob and Amber sit by the fire, and he appears to be twisting his face into various uncomfortable contortions, particularly in that he's doing a kind of squinty Popeye thing with one eye. He kicks off his interview by pointing out that he hates everyone. Well, that's the upshot anyway. He says that in this situation, it's impossible not to get "fed up" with the people you've been trapped with for such a long time. "You're just drained," he explains. "You're tired, you're cranky, you're hungry, you're not sleepin' at night...and it's just, like, 'Shut up, don't talk to me.'" Rob has been eavesdropping on my living room while I watch, I fear. In other news, Rob's hair is much, much too big. There was a guy on Days Of Our Lives in the mid-'80s whom my sister and I called "Zipperhead," because he had such big fluffy hair that the part in it looked like...well, you get the idea. Height-of-hair-wise, Zipperhead had nothing on the Day 34 incarnation of Boston Rob.

In case you don't understand yet why a guy might get as far as "shut up, don't talk to me" with these people, we are treated to a still screwy-faced Rob (something's bothering that eye, I have to think) having a "talk" with Big Tom. Of course, you don't so much have a talk with Big Tom as you try to grasp random words as they stumble by you drunkenly, mooning you and taking giant gulps from a flask. And the best part is that Tom always looks right at you as if he's thinking you obviously not only know just what he's saying, but agree wholeheartedly. Rob interviews that, "for the most part," he hasn't understood what Big Tom has said the entire time they've been out on the island. Rob considers the possibility of a medical explanation, speculating that Big Tom might not be drinking enough water, and that this might cause his mouth to be all stuck together like that. Hm. Never seen that one in the Physician's Desk Reference, but I suppose that's what people used to say about PMS. And God knows that's a real thing. At Rob and Tom's "chat," Big Tom gets to the end of a long and emphatic comment that makes no sense whatsoever and almost sounds like, "Yeah, bumbling cat arena league left your watch in more." But that's probably not it. There's a pause. Finally, Rob says, "Yeah," in total agreement, hoping he hasn't just agreed to sleep with Mrs. Big Tom or go in on a time share or anything like that.

Rupert and Jenna, meanwhile, are off in the woods, cutting down and opening some coconuts. Jenna sits Rupert down for a whispered strategy chat. During which, incidentally, Rupert is wearing little bits of something in his beard, and that's always a charming look on any guy. Her suggestion to Rupert is that he needs to win immunity , and then when he does, they'll boot Rob. Ooh, okay. So Jenna's not so much with that alliance after all. At least not unquestioningly, and at least if she's got the chance to boot Rob as opposed to Amber. Rupert interviews that, at this point, he looked over and was chagrined to see that Rob had walked up and was taking note of the conversation. Jenna -- not sure whether a hearty "Just kidding!" would suffice in this situation -- just continues cracking away at her coconut as Rob stands there, scratching his stomach and saying nothing. Trying to salvage the situation, Rupert offers a nonsensical "We've gotta beat Big Tom." "He's annoying the crap out of me," Jenna adds. I guess she's trying to help. "It's no big deal," Rob says, and then says it again. I'm not sure I interpreted that correctly, but I think Rob just was telling them that he understands they might want him not to win immunity endlessly, and he's not holding it against them. Or something. I don't know. It was very cryptic, for a conversation involving three people who probably couldn't decipher the instructions on a toaster. Rupert interviews that the conversation was "a little scary." He goes on to say that Jenna is already paranoid. "And I don't need Rob to be full of paranoia." I love how Rupert is existing inside a version of reality in which the entire game is going according to some giant plan he has, and he doesn't "need" anyone screwing it up for him. And then, as if you need another reason to think he's a dork, Rupert interviews in a warning tone, "Paranoia...will destroy ya!" I'm surprised Rupert doesn't get beaten up a lot more, if he really works with all those "troubled teens."

Amber is sitting on a rock chopping plantains when Boston Rob comes up and plunks down to her, saying, "Guess what? We got problems." He goes on to tell her about the conversation he overheard. "They have no intention of going to the final four with us, at all," he says of Rupert and Jenna. She asks whether he confronted them about it, and he says he didn't. Amber interviews that she had thought that because they had a strategy set from the beginning, the game would be relatively easy at the end. "But I was completely wrong," she laughs. Back in her conversation with Rob, she asks him whom he thinks Rupert and Jenna are looking to get rid of, and he says it's him. She interviews that if that's the case, it's going to be hard to change, and it would probably mean she would go after him, but as she says, "It's out of our control right now."

We sweep over to a complicated obstacle-course-looking arrangement which has all the indications that it is a challenge site. Knives, baskets, poles, ladders -- you can't fool me, there are to be games here today! Oh, yes, and there's a shiny red truck. The final five converge on the beach, and they can't help noticing that Jeff is standing to the aforementioned shiny truck. Jeff asks them if they're ready to hear about the challenge, and in fact, they are. (What would he say if they had said, "I need a moment of silent meditation"? That would be awesome.) As if it's not enough that most of the challenges this season have already been recycled from past seasons, it turns out that this challenge will recycle challenges that they have already done this season. So they're not just recycled like Friends plots, they're re-recycled like Frasier plots. Anyway, there are several phases to the challenge, and in each phase, the last person to finish is out. The first will be a balance beam. The second is a belly crawl followed by the sliding knife puzzle again, third is the goofy thing they did right after Sue quit, where you have to stomp a plank and catapult stuff into a basket. And the last round is up a rope ladder, across a rope bridge, down that flying fox thing they're so fond of, and then you grab for the truck keys and run back to the truck. Because, of course, you do have the opportunity to win the truck. In addition, Jeff explains, you also win a trip to a "drive-in" down the beach, where you'll get to watch a movie as well as eat a bunch of junk food.

After some dramatic shots of the product-placed truck, it's almost time for the challenge to start -- but not before Jeff reminds everyone that, in the history of the show, the person who wins the car has never won the game. But anyway, no time to think about being cursed! Go! Rob is across the balance beam first, followed by Jenna, Big Tom, and Amber, meaning that Rupert the Non-Twinkletoed Pirate will not be taking the truck. up is the belly crawl and puzzle combination. Rob is out from under first, followed by Jenna, then Big Tom. Amber is last to get to work on her puzzle. Rob finishes the puzzle first, and then Amber. So Big Tom and Jenna battle, but he manages to beat her out, so Jenna will not be driving the girls (her kids, I'm saying, people) around in the truck, either. It's just as well. Nothing good becomes of a girl in a pickup, unless there's a lot of tequila involved. So the basket-toss is between Rob, Amber, and Big Tom. Amber is a savant at this for some reason, so she finishes almost immediately. Rob takes somewhat longer, but he is speedier than Big Tom, so it's the lovebirds going one-on-one for the car. Notably, Jenna really does root for everybody all the time, even after she's out, which...you know, she is a blabbermouth, but she seems like a nice girl. I don't know. I admit I have unconventional taste in contestants sometimes.

Rob and Amber face off in the final phase. Ooh, Romeo versus Juliet! Tony versus Maria! Scarecrow versus Mrs. King! I'd like to be able to tell you it's a fight to the finish filled with heart-pounding suspense, but that would be a lie, and I would never lie to you. Rob quickly gets out a little ahead of Amber on the ladder, and then a little more on the bridge, and ultimately, he pretty much spanks her and makes it back to his new truck with time to spare. Jeff tells Rob that now, they're off to the movies -- but, unsurprisingly, he gets to bring one person with him. And equally unsurprisingly, Rob will be bringing Amb-ah, even though she's all muddy from the belly crawl. Again, this makes Jenna grin, because she thinks they're really cute and does, unlike most of these people, actually have the ability to be happy for people other than herself when something good happens to them. Jeff sends the rest of the losers back to camp. He tells Boston Rob to drive and banishes Amber to the back seat. "I'll take shotgun," Jeff says authoritatively. Hmph. You know, Jeff, that's how you get to be the most unpopular guy on the football team. Hogging shotgun is a major league ethical violation. It's up there with mishandling the keg. Rob starts the truck, the music swells, and off they go.

After a commercial, also known as "a quick visit to the Friends retrospective," we return to a wailing voice, a newly sunny sky, and Rob's truck zinging down the beach. He even drives it through the shallow water a little ("Stunt Idiot. Do Not Attempt") as he voices over that he's well aware that the person who wins the car never wins -- but that wasn't going to stop him from going for the car. You've gotta give the kid this much -- he's playing a full-throttle, brute force, cranked-up game, probably as much as anybody ever has. He pulls up to the "drive-in," and screeches the truck to a stop. Jeff is much too happy about the aggressive driving, and giddily shouts, "Nicely done, Mariano! What up!" That was sad. Jeff was only a regular dork up until "What up!," at which point he became a huge, huge dork, of the type that cannot be rehabilitated unless he develops a sense of self-awareness regarding his own dorkitude, and that just does not seem likely. Which is really, really too bad. I liked Mean Jeff better than I like Jeff Who Wants To Be Everyone's Friend.

Everyone de-trucks, and Jeff allows Rob a moment to soak up his happiness now that nobody (well, nobody but his girl) is there to feel all gloated at. Jeff shows Rob and Amber the snack bar, the juice bar, and the huge screen -- where they will be watching Lord of the Flies. Wow, romantic. I'm surprised it wasn't Animal Farm. Speaking solely for myself, nothing gets me hotter than Stalin. Anyway, at the mention of the title, Amber has this great look on her face, like she's keeping a bland smile on her face and trying to figure out if that's the guy who's with Riverdance. Jeff goes into a pathetic "I guess that's about it, I'll just take off, then" dance, which makes it perfectly obvious that he has more to say. "Oh, wait, one more thing," he says, all faux-casual, and he walks Rob and Amber off into the trees. Jeff tells them that there's one more benefit for Amber of being picked by Boston Rob for this particular reward. "Shut up!" she shrieks. "Are you serious?" Because, you see, it's a car. Rob and Amber hug, in a way that looks pretty genuine. They jump into her little silver car, and he looks over at her, grinning. "This is too much right now," he says. She smacks him on the arm. "You just gave me a car, do you realize that?" "You earned it, you earned it," Rob says. In what I think is not only the cutest moment of this episode but one of the cutest moments of Survivor ever, Rob first drums his hands happily on the dash, but then reaches over and honks the horn. "Meep meeep!" It's pretty heartfelt, I think, and he really is almost as excited that Amber's getting a car as he is that he got a truck. Then he leans out the window and laughs, "What's behind Door #3, Jeff?" I thought he was totally lovable in this sequence, I have to say. I know he's kind of a tool. Seriously. I really do, I swear. And yet? I don't think he's a terrible guy, and I've watched him reach over and honk the horn about four times, and it always makes me laugh. Jeff interrupts all this vehicular excitement, however, and makes them go off to watch the movie.

The movie starts as Rob voices over how great it was to get to spend time with Amber alone without having to think about the game. Amber interviews that she has no complaints about her first date with Rob. She claims that she'd already been thinking about what they'd do for a date after the show was over, and she'd thought maybe they'd go out to a movie and he'd bring her flowers -- and here, she got her movie, and he gave her a car. Yay, a car! I have to admit, that would work on me. They snuggle in the bed of the truck and watch the movie. I must say, even with the stink and everything, that looks extremely pleasant. Again? That would work on me. Except maybe without the part where they have to watch the really unsettling movie with the pig's head on a stick. As they watch, Amber turns to Rob and says, "We're going to have to eat...at least two more hot dogs each. Two or three." I guess the pig's head kind of got her thinking. "I'm havin' an unbelievable time, you know that?" he says. "Me too," she says. Rob interviews: "Amb-ah's definitely special ta me. A lot more special than when we stah-ted this adventure." But he clarifies -- as he always does -- that he's playing a game, and it's a game for a million dollars, and he's not rolling over and giving up the money for anybody. Not even her.

In a cute edit, the flickering projector light becomes the big round moon over Chaboga Mogo where, unsurprisingly, Rupert is already complaining that Rob and Amber had better bring some food back from the reward. Rob and Amber return, hand in hand, and she voices over that you always feel guilty coming back from rewards, and that this was no exception, especially with the car. Rupert asks how it was, and she says it was great, and that they want to tell everybody all about it -- unless they don't want to hear about it, in which case she says they won't go on and on about it. Unsurprisingly, everyone in the group claims that they do want to hear about it. They don't want to appear jealous and ungracious, of course, even though they are. She interviews that she had an option of whether or not to tell everyone that she also received a car, and in the end, she decided that keeping it a secret just wasn't her. Oh, please. So she does tell the rest of the crew the story, and while I think she does her best to make it as non-gloaty as possible, it's actually really difficult to accomplish that, so I'm sure this didn't win her any friends. In an interview, of course, Rupert is totally bitter. "They won a car apiece," he says. He then takes the remarkable step of bitching that they brought back pockets full of candy and actually had some themselves. Those bastards! Rupert would never do that. He's so selfless and so into sharing. Oh, unless it's fish, in which case he's a selfish bastard and an enormous damn hypocrite. Jerk. When people share something with you, you could just sit back and be grateful, you know? Rather than looking for reasons to be offended, for God's sake. The rest of the tribe looks on with disgust as Rob and Amber happily banter about her being a good Catholic girl, and I guess this is where I'm supposed to hate them, but I'm not sure what they've really done wrong, so I don't, really. Yes, they're happy when everybody else is miserable, and yes, seeing them canoodling would probably annoy me if I were stuck out there, but...I'm just not seeing the sin in it, really. Rupert, however, talks about how it would be "justice" if there really were a curse that kept the winners of the car from winning the game. Ah, yes, "justice," Rupert-style. Talk about your kangaroo courts. And then there's a bunch of kissing. Eww, kissing. All of a sudden, they're all having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

After another commercial, we return to some especially picturesque footage of the Panama sky. Hmm, what's the saying? "Pink sky at morning, fame whores take warning" or something? It is early on Day 36, and Big Tom and Rupert are hauling logs as Rupert complains that if they want a fire, they're just going to have to gather the wood themselves, and how then, he'll go get some fish. He probably won't keep any for himself, though, because that would be rude and greedy. In the shelter, Rob and Amber are stirring, and as they look around, Rupert voices over that it drives him crazy to see them not doing any work and then have a lot of energy at challenges. Well, yes, dummy. That's part of the game, managing your fatigue level. You want that benefit? Stop tromping around making a big display of what a stud you are, and take it easy. That's the right way to play the game at the end. There are only three days left. You can stop fishing, and no one will die. God. Rob (the editing would suggest) looks on warily as Rupert and Big Tom go off together to do some kind of big important beach chore without which the five of them will undoubtedly die. Jenna asks where Rupert is, and Rob confirms that indeed, he and Big Tom have gone for a walk together.

And over at this earth-shattering meeting of the big hairy minds, Rupert sits on a log while Big Tom paces around doing nothing in particular. Rupert remarks that if Big Tom doesn't win immunity, he's going to find himself booted. Rupert questions whether, if Big Tom does win immunity, he would participate in booting "your only worker out of this tribe." Okay, first of all, Rupert is not the only worker in the tribe. Jenna has been seen doing a lot of work related to food preparation, and while Rob and Amber haven't been seen doing a lot of work just lately, they were both members of a very self-reliant Chapera tribe, and Rob worked his ass off at that camp building shelter and whatnot. And Amber was cutting up plantains just a little while ago. Second of all, what difference does it make with three days left whether you boot a person who's a worker? You're going to live three more days, even without Rupert. It's just an absurd argument. "Or are you going to band with me and put Rob out?" Rupert asks. Rupert goes on to say how important it is for them to "break that couple up," and while he's right, he really is coming to that party too late. F5 is really too late to realize that a two-person unbreakable alliance is a bad thing. Big Tom interviews that everyone has had a crack at changing his loyalties in the last week or two. Back in his conversation with Rupert, Big Tom says, "If we don' get Rob off, kee shwaaaam." Rupert looks up at him. "If we don't get Rob off, what?" "He's won," Big Tom clarifies. Hee. Rupert interviews, "If I get Tom in with Jenna and I [sic], we three would be the power in this five, and put Rob and Amber out of this game." At least he gets it, now, finally. At camp, Rupert tells Rob that he's going fishing. Rob is indifferent. Rupert asks Rob if he's hungry, and Rob remains indifferent.

Rob interviews that, "at this point, there's no guarantee that Tom's going to stay loyal." He says that because he doesn't trust anyone, his move was to start a fight between Big Tom and Rupert to keep them from ganging up on him. Rob neatly accomplishes this by sitting down with Big Tom and reporting that Rupert keeps saying that Big Tom is trying to start an uprising against Rob. Okay, this was brilliant for two reasons. First, as he stated, it starts trouble between Big Tom and Rupert. But second, Tom's reaction is going to give Rob some pretty good clues as to whether the notion that Big Tom is plotting against him is true, but allows Rob to find that out without directly accusing Big Tom of disloyalty himself. Really, really a smart bit of play. Anyway, Big Tom insists that he has no intention of changing alliances, although, of course, the first time, Rob doesn't understand him. Snerk. Rob asks Tom why Rupert would say that if it weren't true, and Big Tom says he's not sure -- he finds Rupert to be generally trustworthy, but that if he told Rob that Big Tom was plotting, it's not the case. Big Tom interviews that while he told Rob from the start that he would stay loyal, he's not enjoying the "tattletale" game going on right now. Back in their talk, Rob tells Big Tom, "I'd want to confront him. Or do you want him to just chump you like that?" Oy, that is such a guy thing. That's one of the things I notice about my guy friends -- they always want you to get revenge, and they always think the "don't let him [or, of course, her] chump you like that" is a great way to make you do it. "Sooner than later," Rob interviews happily, "it was like two cats in a bag goin' at it." And by "goin' at it," he means fighting. I dearly hope.

Out in the water, Rob watches with an open smile on his face as Rupert and Tom have an argument. Each accuses the other of having wanted to get rid of Rob. As they bicker, Rob interviews that by doing this, he kept them from getting together and having "enough sense" to get rid of him or Amber. Big Tom argues to Rupert that he has no reason to vote Rob off when he and Rob are allies, and claims that Rupert didn't even know he and Rob were allies: "Of course I knew you had an alliance with him, you told me you had an alliance with him!" Rupert goes on to say, however, that Big Tom said he didn't want to go to F2 with Rob. Big Tom sputters, "That is our alliance!" (Meaning, presumably, going to F2.) As Rob continues smiling, which Rupert and Tom apparently don't notice, Rupert lectures Tom that if that's the case, and if he and Rob have an alliance, then Tom shouldn't be "talking bad about him." Rupert -- who believes that he has the whole game knocked -- informs us in an interview that he knows this was "a ploy to try and make [him] look bad." So he sort of gets it, but he sort of doesn't. He doesn't seem to understand that the point is solely to create dissension in and of itself. In other words, it's not a ploy to make Rupert look bad; it's a ploy to keep him and Tom at odds. I don't think Rob cares who comes out looking bad. In fact, the way that Rupert says to Big Tom, "And now I'm the bad guy?" makes me think that it's Big Tom that Rupert was accusing of a "ploy." In other words, he just thinks Big Tom's accusations that he was plotting against Rob were a ploy on Big Tom's part to split him from Rob. Presumably, if Rupert had correctly read this situation as the result of scheming by Rob, he'd have known enough to ignore it and, in fact, get together with Big Tom and go after Rob and Amber, for God's sake. In any event, you'd think one of these two geniuses would have noticed that Rob was grinning the entire time they were fighting.

Tense music plays as the final five walk up to the apparent immunity challenge, which is laid out on a large flat game board for each person. Jeff starts off by mentioning that the sun is shining at last, but then rains on Big Tom's parade by taking back immunity from him. And what is the challenge? It's a word scramble. (Well, that's what Probst calls it. I'd call it a word search.) You have to hunt down seventeen former tribe names that are hidden in the puzzle somewhere. Then, there are letters where two names intersect, and those letters will need to be unscrambled to form a word or phrase. First to finish will win immunity. Ready? Go.

The puzzle is about as tense as watching a bunch of people do a word search can be, I guess, and they all remain fairly close throughout. Amber gets all the words before anyone else by a good margin, and there has been a lot of speculation that she threw this challenge, planning to let Rob take immunity unless somebody else came up close to taking it. And indeed, she allows Rob to pass her, and he unscrambles the secret word -- which is "Chaboga Mogo," and that is so obvious that I am inclined to agree that Amber probably let it go. It's a risky move, but in a way, it is better for Rob to have immunity, because although it's sort of just as good to boot her off, I think the opportunity to get rid of Rob would have been even more enticing, so if she's trying to protect herself and him as a pair, then she probably has a slightly better chance that the rest of them won't rebel against her than that they won't rebel against Rob, just psychologically. She's also friends with Jenna, and might have expected Jenna to hesitate a little over booting her more than Rob. As we saw earlier, Jenna appeared to be ready to boot Rob, after all.

Anyway, Rob takes immunity again. ["Which is funny, because all along I've been saying that the only kind of individual immunity challenge he'd be likely to lose is a spelling contest, and this is almost that and he STILL won, bless him." -- Wing Chun]Jeff gives him the necklace, and the rest stare at him with hate. Deep, abiding hate. Except Amber, who looks at him with lust in her heart, as usual. I love how the immunity necklace is the tackiest piece of jewelry Rob owns by only a very narrow margin.

Back from commercials, we see an army of crabs go tearing across the beach like it's a crowd scene in Godzilla and they've just realized that it's time to evacuate downtown. As the tribe returns to camp, Rupert says that he wants to "wear that damn necklace one time before we leave." Man, is that true? He hasn't won immunity once? Hee hee. Amber (I think) laughingly accuses Rob of having put a whammy on the necklace to make himself win all the time. Rob interviews simply that while having immunity puts him in a good position, his position is also "precarious," for the obvious reason that he has a lot of power, and the one way he doesn't is if the rest of the group manages to pull it together and take out Amber. He says he's not really sure whether the rest of them get that it works that way. For the moment, he's content to try to "be the diplomat," and he's pondering the choices for a bootee.