Survivor S08E08

Previously on And You Thought They Were Obnoxious The First Time: Fighting. No fire. Fire. Crying. Shark bites. Falling in the water. Tonight, a cavalcade of material that wasn't important enough for you to see it the first time, as well as a fascinating treasure trove of stuff that you've already seen, some of which aired as recently as a week ago. Try to contain your enthusiasm.

Credits. You know, it occurs to me that we aren't even rid of half of these people yet. I seriously don't think I'm going to make it.

But we must forge on, in the great tradition of clip-show viewers, trying as hard we can to ignore the fact that we are now watching for the second time something about which we felt vaguely dirty and by which we were intensely bored when it was on the first time. I, for one, intend to get through it the old-fashioned way -- with tequila. At any rate, do you remember how all the boats came, bringing all the old contestants? Remember how there was the suggestion of military involvement, perhaps in the form of commandos ready to swipe in at a moment's notice to arrest the ruthless spoiler-hunters hiding in the trees? Remember how much better-looking Boston Rob was before he grew all that ridiculous facial hair and went from being merely greasy to actually acting greasy? There were three tribes, and very limited supplies -- at first. The water had brain parasites in it, and without fire, you couldn't get rid of them by boiling it. Starting a fire without supplies turned out to be exceedingly difficult, and rather an extended metaphor for the efforts of most of these individuals to extend their fame as former reality-show contestants into some area or other besides "former reality-show contestant." Hatch believed he could start the fire "without even blinkin'," which was only one element of the transformation of Hatch from Vaguely Amusing Con Artist to Intensely Irritating And Sort Of Creepy Clown.

Rudy and Rupert created an Self-Described Honorable Men's Alliance and agreed to stick together forever, while Boston Rob and Amber were busy "making a connection." She understandably wasn't sure whether to take him seriously, but he insisted he was serious. And her flowered bikini was completely serious. B-Rob and Big Tom also created an alliance, and B-Rob led Big Tom to believe that Amber was an after-the-fact pickup just taken to shore things up. Big Tom interviews that, obviously, he doesn't exactly trust B-Rob, which means little other than that Big Tom did not literally fall off a turnip truck. B-Rob interviews that he thinks Big Tom sees their alliance as primary, while to him, it's secondary to the one he has with "Amb-ah." For one thing, Big Tom isn't any good at cuddling, and when he says, "You're so warm," you can't understand him anyway.

At the three-way immunity challenge, Saboga got screwed by its own ineptitude, while Mogo Mogo and Chapera were safe. Had I only known at the time how much of a pattern that was going to be, I would have made a macro.

In one of the few significant pieces of new footage, we see that on the night of Saboga's first tribal council, the members of Chapera amused themselves by putting on a skit in which they all play the members of Saboga heading out to the big vote. Amazon Rob is playing Probst, complete with a blue shirt which, as one of the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out, he seems to have borrowed from Alicia. "Jeff" introduces Rudy, played by Sue with blank gruffness. Sue is no actress, I fear. He introduces Ethan, played by Boston Rob, complete with some kind of getup that's supposed to represent Ethan's hair, but actually makes him look more like Rupert. I believe it's seaweed on his head, which means that B-Rob is really willing to go quite a long way for the laugh. That actually seems like another good way to get brain parasites. Big Tom emerges from the water with a dive mask, so he's playing self-appointed fish guy Rupert. "Jeff" introduces Jerri, played by Alicia, who enters stage right, chattering about how all she wants is to pour chocolate all over some guy's fabulous bod. Hmm, familiar. He introduces Tina, played by Amber, with big fake boobs made of...something. I shudder to think what those are made of -- although I sort of shudder at what real fake boobs are made of also. And finally, "Jeff" introduces Jenna, played again by Sue (who's doing double duty). "Jenna" bounds up to "Jeff," jumping up and down about how excited she is to be there and how much she loves everyone. Heh. It's hard to be the only happy and chipper girl in a crowd of grumps. Amber interviews unnecessarily that Chapera had a good time playing Saboga.

A-Rob does his best Probst: "Here we are...day three...," which is very good, actually, as that certainly is practically the only way Jeff ever starts a tribal council. He asks the group what's going on, and directs the question to "Jerri." "Jerri" protests, with really nothing to peg the comment to, that she doesn't deserve such horrible treatment. That would have been funnier if she had added something in the sense of context. Everybody knows Jerri can be sensitive, but just to start yelling incoherently isn't that skilled, comedy-wise. Alicia, in the form of herself, then interviews that the first time she played, things stayed pretty serious. But this tribe is pretty silly -- a bunch of comedians. "Jeff" asks "Rupert" about coming right back to play after Pearl Islands -- which you will recall Jeff actually did -- and Big Tom does a pretty good Rupert voice in dodging the question and answering that someone messed with his spear. "Rudy" jumps in and insists that he didn't touch the spear.

"How's my hair, Jeff?" asks "Ethan." B-Rob interviews that he enjoyed playing Ethan, because he likes to make fun of Ethan's "Jheri curls." Again, that's what interferes with my liking of B-Rob -- he seems kind of witty, and then he passes up the opportunity to mock Ethan's personality (which is thoroughly mockable) in favor of mocking Ethan's hair, and I lose the love. With every member of Saboga called out for his or her most identifiable annoying trait, "Jeff" announces that it's time to vote. "Jerri" votes for "holy roller Tina," for having already "stabbed [her] in the back once." Again, that's surprisingly accurate as to how Jerri's vote actually went. "Ethan" votes for Jenna, completely with smarmy little "sorry, babe." Heh. That's surprisingly accurate, too. The only thing he forgot was to mention the size of her butt. "Lord, please forgive me for the language that I am about to use, but miss Jerry Manthey, I am votin' for you! You were a bitch the first time on Survivor Australia, and three years haven't done ya any good, you're still a bitch! Mah vote is for Jerray!" says a surprisingly animated "Tina." Who knew Amber was a little bit funny? I mean, not very funny, but at least she has a personality. B-Rob interviews that he actually thought everybody was funny. At their faux-council, they wind up voting out Jenna, and A-Rob uses an improvised snuffer to snuff out an improvised torch. As "Jenna" walks off, Chapera starts singing the traditional Music of Doom from the end of tribal council, which I thought was especially funny. As she leaves, "Jenna" turns around and flips them off.