Previously on Panama Bratty: So all these people jumped off this really big boat, right? And they bought some food, and they set up camp, and then the hating began in earnest. Drake ruled; Morgan drooled. Bye, Nicole! Try to hold your dress up! Bye, Skinny Ryan! Bye, Lill! Uh, for now! Bye, Burton! Uh, also for now! Bye, Michelle! Bye, Trish! Um, hi again, Lill! Hi again, Burton! Bye, Shawn! Bye, Osten! Hey, sorry about the bleeding lungs! Okay, now everybody...merge! Bye, Andrew! Bye, Ryan-O! Bye, Rupert! Bye, Tijuana! Bye, Christa! Bye again, Burton, the only man in history to get voted off the show twice! Not that we would gloat! At all! Really! And so, here we are. Lill, Darrah, Sandra, and Jon. Not exactly the most predictable final four of all time, one might say.
Credits. It's a shame there aren't as many desiccated skulls on the show as there are in the credits. They could start with Jon's.
Okay, look, there are going to be no recaps of the commercials in this episode, because there are four hundred thousand commercial breaks in this festival of filler, and there are only so many times I can point out that the spirit of Christmas is clearly and officially dead, buried under the carcasses of a thousand department-store Santas. Ho ho ho!
We fly in over the fog-dusted treetops to Camp Balboa, where a bird is enjoying the peaceful moments of morning before the obnoxious camera hounds awaken. Elsewhere, a lizard does his morning yoga and eats a leaf. "I hope these dumb-asses are getting ready to get out of my jungle," he is thinking. It is Day 37, and Jon is just beginning to stir in the shelter, his buff still tied around his head, kerchief-style. Boy, he is as sexy as ever, y'all. Lill rubs her face despondently, because various gestures demonstrating despondency take up pretty much all of Lill's time these days. We observe an overlong, time-swallowing, endless shot of the sunrise, just kind of sitting there. Then, there is a shot of the beach. Then, there is another overlong, time-swallowing, pretty much endless shot of an approaching boat puttering toward shore. Finally, something actually occurs, in the form of Jeff Probst walking up the beach to deliver breakfast to the hungry group. The sight of orange juice, like most other things these days, makes Lill snorfle with emotion. She comes over and gives Jeff a hug. He opens a bottle of champagne so that they can make mimosas. They all drink up. As Jeff tells them that he has one more thing to give them, and wanders back toward the boat, Jon mutters, "You rule," and Lill adds, "I love that man." Oh, you and me both, crazy lady. "I wonder if he'd like to join a troop," she muses. Um, okay. That isn't where I was going at all. Not that I wouldn't enjoy watching Jeff make roasted marshmallows. When Jeff returns from the boat, he brings the thing the remaining contestants want most, other than a shower: letters from home. Yay, letters from home!
Bawlapalooza resumes as soon as Lill sees her letter. Obviously, Jeff isn't going to get away without one more hug and big wet kiss from her. "You want to join a Boy Scout troop?" she asks. He grins, enjoying what a giant nutball she is. "Someday," he says, instead of the other thing that is on his mind, which is, "But not a troop run by you, because that would violate the restraining order." After he leaves, Lill cries some more, and toasts Jeff, and cries some more. Goodness, we certainly are off to a maudlin start; I don't know if I can do two more hours of this.
Darrah -- just after we see her truly nasty shoulder with its collection of bug bites of various vintages -- interviews that Jeff brought them letters from home, and that it was just totally awesome to get her letter. We get a peek at Darrah's letter, and I don't know who wrote it, but it describes someone named Bailey going to get her hair cut and mentions that she "can be prissy." Hee. Poor Bailey, outed as prissy on national television, without even getting a shot at the million. Darrah says that before reading the letter, she'd been concerned about whether her dog was okay. Oh, and also her family. Double hee. It's all about priorities, you know. Sandra reads her letters and smiles, and she interviews that it felt great to get an update, because you can't help worrying about your family at a time like this, and knowing that they're okay frees her up to think about the game as they reach the end.
Reading her letter, Lill predictably cries as if her pet gerbil is being roasted on a spit. Jon eyeballs the weeping Lill with seething hatred. She interviews that getting the letters made her want to be strong for her family, because apparently they told her in the letters that they really do want a million dollars -- they weren't just saying that. She squints up her face and cries extra-hard when she reads a Pete Rose quote. Serious eye-rolling ensues across America. (And, I'm sure Wing Chun would want me to point out, Canada. ["Heh. Actually, my corner of Canada has no strong opinions about Pete Rose either way, except that he has bad hair." -- Wing Chun]) She blubbers and cries and generally contorts her face into various creative shapes. (Oooh, a cabbage! Pretty!) Jon contemptuously complains in an interview that Lill's theatrics over her letter "overshadowed anyone else's [letter]." Now, chew on the irony of that for a moment. Jon -- who has done nothing but mug for attention since he got to Panama, and who faked the death of a family member for sympathy -- is whining because someone else was too dramatic with her feelings in a way that hogged attention for herself and took away from the recognition of other people's legitimate reactions to their letters. Jon goes on to say that he used all of Lill's whimpering against her by going to Darrah and Sandra and telling them that Lill would probably put on the same kind of emotionally wrenching display at a final tribal council, so they shouldn't take her. It's stupid, though, because considering that Lill is making the other three kind of hate her, I don't know why they assume the jury wouldn't be similarly affected. I mean, who's going to feel bad for her? Christa? Burton? I think not.
Under the shelter, Jon asks the women whether they have a deal for the final three. "You can be honest," he says. They say nothing. "I take that as a yes," he says. He interviews: "It seems fairly obvious that the three of them have formed some kind of a bond, because all three of them have inferiority complexes to that of a man." Oh, come on. That's just insulting. No, no, not the misogynistic bullshit is insulting -- the fact that he thinks the audience is going to bite on the misogynistic bullshit is insulting. There is such a thing as being so over-the-top that you're not even able to inspire genuine anger anymore. I mean, Jon has done some fairly audacious things, but the problem for his planned glory is that he's...not interesting. No matter how much they play him up and he gives himself monikers and makes hand gestures and they declare that he's one of the most riveting blah blah blah ever, I mean...he just doesn't have any style. He isn't witty, or deliciously bad, or anything of that sort. He just comes out and says, "Dude, women suck! I hate chicks! They're inferior to men!" He doesn't have delivery, he doesn't have character, he's just...he's so obviously just saying things to be shocking and to be a Big Famous Villain™ that he's not even fun. He's just kind of an ordinary barroom jackass of the kind you can find anywhere. His routine isn't offensive to me as much as it is incredibly weak and tired. Good villains are people you can't take your eyes off. Richard Hatch. Team Guido. Evil Doctor Will. Jon has nothing to do with those people. Jon is just an obnoxious, insecure prick. Those aren't exactly an endangered species, you know.
Jon tells Lill how angry he is that he now seems to be ahead of Sandra in the planned boot order, and Lill counters that her goal is not to finish third. Jon snots back that if Lill's in the final two, she's going to win: "You're going to pull hearts and flowers like you did this morning. That was just rehearsal for later." Jon further tells Lill that neither Sandra nor Darrah will take her to the finals if it comes to that, out of fear that she'll win. Lill turns to Darrah and asks if that's true. Now, asking that question in this setting is extraordinarily stupid, because Darrah isn't going to want to commit in front of everyone to which person she's going to take, even if she knows. Accordingly, Darrah is noncommittal: "If I do take you, I'm going to get my butt kicked." Jon nods emphatically as Lill asks Darrah whether that means she'll take Sandra. Darrah refuses to say what she plans to do. An unhappy Lill walks off to pout in the hammock, because no one will come and play imaginary tea party with her, and she wants the big slice of cake, and her toe hurts, and SHE'S TELLING! She voices over that no one appears to want to go to the jury with her, because they think she's too nice and will get all the votes. Under the shelter, meanwhile, Jon tells Darrah that he wants her to talk to Sandra about getting rid of Lill. Darrah interviews that she doesn't trust Jon, but that she does think her best bet final three is herself, Jon, and Sandra, so she's thinking she'll go along with it. Darrah and Sandra take a walk, and Darrah reports that Lill wants to win (the nutty old bat!), and somehow thinks they should take her to the end even though she knows darn well she'll beat anybody who takes her. Darrah is very resentful about this, for some reason. It's interesting; Darrah, at least, really does seem to believe that Lill would beat any of them in a final vote, and that it's so obvious that it's downright disingenuous of Lill not to admit her obvious advantage. Maybe Darrah wasn't there during all the open-mouthed kissing and other distasteful matters.
Sandra interviews that Darrah wanted to get rid of Lill, and says that was okay with her, because as always, as long as it's not her, she doesn't care who goes. Later, though, Sandra gets an approach from Lill, who wants to vote out Darrah on the theory that she's too dangerous with the immunity challenges. Lill tells Sandra that they'll have a better shot at immunity if Darrah isn't around. Sandra agrees to this plan too (Official Motto of Sandra's Strategy: "Whatever"), and Lill asks her to pass it along to Jon so that he doesn't vote against one of them. Lill tells Jon that the plan is to vote out Darrah if she doesn't win immunity, and he agrees. In an interview, Jon congratulates himself for creating tension between Darrah and Lill and avoiding elimination himself. Sandra, meanwhile, repeats in her interview that she doesn't care who goes, as long as it isn't her. Sandra is all about flexibility. She kind of makes me laugh, because what she's doing is so obviously the way to win, and nobody seems to know it but her.
Darrah goes to pick up the seamail (I still hate that expression), and she brings it back to the group. The bad poem doesn't tell them much (other than that the person who wrote it didn't major in English), but says that they're to head for tribal council as usual. "Everyone's kinda freaking out," Sandra says, demonstrating that while some things change, the phenomenon of contestants freaking out for no good reason remains refreshingly constant. As they get ready to leave, Jon voices over: "I don't care if it's a physical challenge or a mental challenge, I'm the king of men, and they're women. There's a huge difference. I mean, like, you know, if it's a gettin' pregnant contest, you know, yeah, they could probably win. But other than that, you know, mentally, physically, I can beat any of them." Again, Jon's trying way too hard, there. I mean, he's an ass and everything, but really. That's just tragically artless in its clumsy bludgeoning of the audience. Moreover, it's nonsensical, because he's already been bested by women in several of the challenges. I hate to break it to Jon, since he obviously plans to make his living as a professional dickhead, but he's not even very good at that.
The tribe rows toward tribal council.
Back from the commercial, we are at tribal council, and the final four are approaching the fire pit. This the time where we bring in the jury! I swear, someday, I want Jeff to raise the jurors up on pedestals that come up out of the ground, and they can each be holding a pear or a tomato or something, and then Jeff can smile insanely and take a big bite out of a yellow pepper. Fukui-san! Anyway, Burton has corralled last week's rugged beard into this week's grotesque goatee. Can I just take this opportunity to plead for an immediate end to the Age of the Goatee? Seriously. The number of goatees in the world that look good can be measured on the fingers of one hand. Just...stop it. Anyway, Jeff takes the Supreme Cutlass back from Darrah as the rest of the crowd looks on. Jeff explains the challenge, which is a typical trivia outing, except that in addition to the final four competing against each other, they will compete against the jury as a group. If the jury wins, then none of those who remain will have immunity. The first competitor to get five questions right will win.
The first question relates to what should be left out of a "fire triangle." Lill and Jon get it right, as does the jury. The question asks what year Captain Morgan looted Panama. Mmm, Captain Morgan. Anyway, the jury, Sandra, and Darrah get it right. The question asks the best way to avoid shark attacks, and it's kind of an unfair question, because the answer turns out to be "don't go in the water," which is like saying the best way to avoid skidding on ice in your car is to live in Africa. It's a bullshit answer, so only Jon gets it right, logically enough. The question is about whether the Pacific is the largest ocean in the world. Everybody gets it right. (It is. Congratulations, you are as smart as Jon.) The question is about port and starboard, and only the jury gets it right, which I find completely appalling, because I thought that was the one random boat fact that everyone knew, just from...I don't know, Gilligan's Island, even. Ah, well. So the jury is in the lead with four questions right, and if they get the one, nobody will get immunity. The question is about what countries border Panama, and the jury and Lill get it right, meaning that the jury walks off with immunity. Apparently, Rupert has forgiven Burton now that he's been voted off (typical Rupert behavior, of course -- once he can look down on you again, all is forgiven), because they're all smacking fists after the challenge. Jon shakes his head. How could he have lost? Well, other than because he's stupid.
Jeff asks Jon about the impact of nobody's having immunity. Jon describes the impact as "about the same as if anyone had it, I think." Boy, there's an insightful statement. Are you sure he's not secretly a college professor? Jeff encourages the final four to talk about the letters from home. Lill starts crying -- duh -- and Rupert looks at her with a condescending smile, because it's the only smile he has. Lill blubbers about how many times she's already read over the letters. Looking for the really sad parts, probably, so she can cry more. Jeff asks Darrah what's going through her head, strategically. Darrah says she's taking things one day at a time and hoping for the best. Jeff asks Sandra what she's thinking as far as strategy, and she says that at this point, she just tries to hang around the shelter, because leaving causes people to stay behind and whisper about you. Heh. That's exactly why you never leave the break room at TWoP Towers. Jeff asks Lill whether she stays around the shelter, and Lill says that she leaves when she needs to, because she figures that if they're going to talk, they're going to talk. She says that everyone has already told her that they don't want to go to the final two with her, so she feels vulnerable. She tells Jeff that she can't do anything about being a hardworking person and a loyal friend, but that outside the game, she wouldn't like what the game has made her. Which I kind of don't get, if she's saying that she's still a good person and everything and can't help being a good person. Whatever. She's crazy.
Jeff asks Darrah about being perceived as the biggest physical threat. She points out that it's kind of goofy to be the big physical threat when you're as wee as she is. She needs to be more perceptive about the competition in order to understand the question, of course. Jeff asks Jon where his mind is, and whether he's making the argument that he's the most unlikable person in the game. Jeff further asks Jon whether he worries about somebody like Lill booting him on the basis of her integrity rather than keeping him on the basis that he'd lose to her. Jon says he hopes that won't happen, adding, "I have not figured out how I can win over that jury yet." Notably, the jury smiles pretty obviously at this remark, so if she saw it, that might be what made Lill start to think Jon had more votes than it seemed like he should, based on his odious personality and stale stench.
Jon goes to vote. Lill votes for Darrah. "You're too strong a competitor. After you told me that you wouldn't take me to the final two after I saved you twice now, I have no choice." Huh? Shut up, Lill. ["Seriously. As much shit as she got for it later, Sandra is nowhere NEAR the coattail-rider Lill is. Considering how annoying she is, Lill sure has a gigantic sense of entitlement." -- Wing Chun] Sandra votes. Darrah votes for Lill, claiming that she's tired of hearing Lill whine that she won't get jury votes, when she knows she'll get them all. Oh, come on. If Darrah doesn't understand the jury's position regarding Lill any better than that, she's not very observant.
Jeff reads the votes. Darrah gets three to Lill's one. Snuff! Jeff refers to Darrah as "the biggest physical threat." Heh. He sends them back to camp. In her final words, Darrah says, "That suuuucked." Heh. She refers to herself as "about sixty pounds soaking wet," and I certainly hope that's not true. She also calls Lill and Jon "snakes," and lashes out at Lill for acting like she doesn't know how to play the game. "It's been a great experience and ah would do it all over again," Darrah says.
When we return from commercial, the final three talk about their sense that Darrah didn't know she was the one who was going. Sandra interviews that it just wasn't possible for them to keep Darrah around with her winning all those immunity challenges. Lill wants to know if she was a target, and Jon's response is, "According to D, you were." Lill says that she doesn't feel so bad, then. She interviews that Darrah was apparently trying to get rid of her, so she thinks it's better that things worked out the way they did. It's shocking that she wound up feeling like it was just as well she didn't get voted off, isn't it? Thunder and lightning crash.
Sandra -- obviously tipped off by some helpful member of Elves and Sprites Local 516 in the employ of Mark Burnett Productions -- goes in the middle of the night to pick up seamail. Back at the shelter, she fills Jon and Lill in on it. The bad poem of the day says that they have to go over to Shipwreck Bay and be there by sunrise. None of them is thrilled that they have to get up and go that early. Sandra describes the immunity challenge as "very important." Smart lady.
The morning, in the rain, the castaways make their way up onto the beach, where Jeff is waiting for them. He welcomes them and talks about how they've been living in Pirate World for a month now, so that won't be ending until the very life has been choked out of this theme forever and you never want to see another pirate, even if he looks like Johnny Depp. Or words to that effect. He says that the final three will be giving tribute -- whether they want to or not, which is the most heartfelt kind of tribute, after all -- to their former tribemates. They'll put torches representing their "fallen comrades" around a shipwreck set, and then they'll say a few words of mourning. Because all the ex-contestants are dead now, as you know. And then, they'll set the ship on fire by shooting it with flare guns. Osten will not be remembered, however, because he's worse than dead -- he's a quitter. ["It was at this point that I went downstairs to Starbucks to get a nanaimo bar, trusting that I would be missing nothing." -- Wing Chun]
Lill salutes Nicole's "wonderful spirit." "Rockin' body," Jon says. Same problem; trying too hard, as usual. Lill speaks warmly of Ryan S. Aw, "DIE JERKS." Sniffle! It is absolutely pouring rain, by the way, so none of the torches is lit. They're just sticks, pretty much. Sandra says, yearbook-style, that she regrets that she and Michelle didn't get to know each other better. Jon calls Trish "the best sleeping partner." Sandra pretends she didn't hate Shawn's guts, satisfying the course requirements by saying that he "loved to eat." Wow, what a tribute. Don't hurt yourself, there, Sandra. Lill pretends she didn't hate Andrew's guts, saluting him for trying to make sure everyone was fair. Apparently, she's talking about a different Andrew than the one she thinks is a treacherous prick. Sandra gives a pretty funny and warm comment about Ryan-O, suggesting that she liked him, and that she was kind of surprised to find that when he was gone, she missed him. Heh. Jon says nice things about Rupert, and Sandra says she'd be "damn starving" without him. True! I've said it before and I'll say it again: they all totally would have died. Lill thanks Tijuana for telling Lill she loved her. Well, that's nice. Sandra says she misses Christa most of all, which is appropriate, given that Christa does have a somewhat Scarecrow-esque appearance, now that I think about it. Jon says that Burton was his best friend. "Unbelievable." Lill calls him "my Eagle Scout," and when she says "my," she means "the one I crushed like a bug." Jon says, "D, you were as nice as you were cute." Pfft. That was a sucky tribute. The editors show Darrah taking a shower...hey, thanks, pigs. The show throws in an Osten moment, even though there is no tribute to him. We see his torch lying at the tribal council fire pit -- where it allegedly remains, I guess, and will remain until it is eaten by wild pigs -- and then we see him standing by the water looking majestic. And then we see him almost drown. And then we see him snuffed. And then we see the laying down of his torch...again. You know, I'm beginning to think somebody associated with this show doesn't like Osten.
The final three walk to the flare muskets with their arms around each other. They aim at the ship and fire. Shockingly, they successfully set the shipwreck on fire. Hmm, mysterious! What great aim they must have, to make the ship start burning spontaneously like that. Once the flames have begun, Lill gives a salute. Because she likes, you know, fully a third or so of those people. The shipwreck burns some more. The torches go up in flames. (Irony!) The final three watch the shipwreck continue to burn for a while, because the show is two hours long, and we're only halfway home.
On the flip side of the commercial break, we see that the contestants have paddled to the immunity-challenge site. It involves three floating platforms, with Jeff in a boat nearby. Basically, it's a balancing endurance challenge. The water is pretty choppy, so you pretty have to much crouch on your platform, and you can't touch down with your knees or your butt, so you're pretty much in a frog stance, holding on with your hands, for as long as possible. Ah, another chance for Jon to play the reptile card. ["Or amphibian, if you want to get technical." -- Wing Chun] It's not going to work this time, either. Whoever wins immunity will get to the final two, and will get to pick the other person who goes to the final two. They all get into their squat positions. The most notable thing as it gets underway is that Lill and Sandra are both able to do this basically flat-footed, with their entire bottoms of their feet on the raft, while Jon is stuck on the balls of his feet.
Fifteen minutes in, Jeff checks on how everyone's feeling. Jon's feet are numb, he reports. Lill says she feels "really darn good." Soon thereafter, Sandra is hit by a wave and lands on her fanny. Oops. She's out. ["To me, it looked like she might have thrown it, a little bit, but that's just idle speculation. That strategy worked out pretty well for Richard Hatch, way back in the day." -- Wing Chun]
Thus does an epic battle begin between Lill and Jonny Fairplay. "Lill, you want to make a deal right now?" Jon says. "No, sir," she says, seeing that she's obviously holding up a lot better than Jon is. "You're crazy," he says. "My daughter wants to be a doctor," says Lill. Jon talks down to her about how she doesn't understand how a deal works. "Don't talk to me," she says. "DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THE DEALS WORK, LILL?" he says. Dude. She understands. She's not making a deal with you, because you would expect her to let go, and you would promise to take her, and then you wouldn't, or so she believes. "Shut. Up," she says. "Lill," he says, "if you give me immunity, I will take you to the final two. That's what a deal is." Lill is not interested. "If you trust me, then you jump in," she says. "I don't know if I can trust you," he says. "Then drop it," she says. "Looks like you're going to have to win it on your own," Jeff interjects, quite clearly amused. As am I.
At the thirty minute mark, Lill looks the same as always, while Jon is obviously in increasing pain. Jeff asks him how he is, and he says he sucks, actually. Sandra, sitting on her raft, laughs -- and wouldn't you? "Lill," Jon says, "who [sic] do you want to go against in the final two?" She counters: "How many people have you screwed over, Jon?" "Everyone in the game?" he answers. "Do you know what?" she continues. "I do aerobics." "Okay," Jon says weakly. "My knees are great," adds Lill. "Okay," he says, again weakly. "My ankles are great," she continues. "These are called squats, in aerobics." "Okay, all right," says Jon, no smart-ass comeback at hand. "I think Lill just said, 'Game on,'" Jeff says. "I think Lill just said, 'Game over,'" Jon mutters. All the weak little "okay"s in that sequence made it one of my favorites of the season.
Time passes. Lill stays in place. Jon suffers. They approach the two-hour mark. "Ready for a deal?" he asks. "I'm not going to deal," she says. "I'll give you immunity," he says, knowing he's in trouble and figuring he might as well try to lock her into a moral commitment to take him to the final two. "I'm not going to promise anything," she says. "Well, then that's -- that's -- that's -- not a deal, Lill, huh-huh," trying to go for condescension one last time, as if she's hopelessly stupid and doesn't understand, when she totally does, and she's just not interested because he has interrupted her when she is right in the middle of the ass-whupping. "Well, I'm not going to deal, then," Lill concludes. Sandra grins broadly, delighted at the thwarting of Jon by Lill, even though it's not necessarily good for her strategically. Jeff asks Jon how confident he is right now that he's going to take out Lill in this challenge. "Not extremely," Jon allows, trying desperately not to fall over.
Time passes. Jon shifts position. He tries a couple of alternate stances to try to alleviate the pain. We reach two hours and forty-five minutes. Lill's sweaty, but she's okay. Jon? Not so much. Shortly, he stumbles onto his side, and Lill takes home immunity.
Okay, look. Lill drove me up the freaking wall all season long. The melodrama, the whining, the worrying, the "tell me what to do," the blah blah blah and the blee blee blee and the crying about everything...she drove me up. The. Wall. Having said that, the way she just finished driving a nail through the heart of Jon -- an arrogant asshole whom I could not have abided in the final two or especially as the winner -- made up for about half of my dislike for her. The way he tried to deal with her, shaking and sweating, and the way she just kept telling him to fuck off? God, that was brilliant. The way he tried to get her to let him off the hook -- just trust him one more time -- "If you give me immunity, I'll take you to the final two" -- and the way she essentially told him to go stuff it in his dead grandmother? That was one of the greatest moments in this show's history, as far as I'm concerned. Lill's beating Jon, fair and square, in a physical endurance immunity challenge? That's why people love this show. Because you just never know. It thrilled me. It was brilliant. Slag Lill all you want, and I'll join in happily, but there will always be a little square of my reality-television-viewer's heart that's marked off with velvet ropes where you can pay a nominal fee to drop by and visit the moment when the scoutmaster tested and ultimately bested the most ignorant, boring fuckwit they've ever thrown at the audience. You want to be a wrestling phenom, Jon? Start by figuring out how not to get your pansy ass handed to you by middle-aged ladies in sneakers who can't read Pete Rose quotes without bursting into tears, okay?
Lill swims over to Jeff, as Sandra tries to smile, sure that she is done for. To her credit, Sandra continues trying to send warm smiles to Lill, knowing that Lill has just had a huge moment, even though I think Sandra quite logically believes that there's no chance Lill is taking her to the final two.
Back from commercials, the final three are walking back to camp. Lill interviews that she was incredibly nervous during the challenge, because she knew that neither Jon nor Sandra would take her to the final two if they won. She calls the Supreme Cutlass "baby" as she returns it to its perch at camp. Oy. Shut up, Lill, you just did a good thing. Don't ruin it so quickly. Lill interviews that her win had nothing to do with scheming or strategy -- it was for herself and herself alone. Sandra mentions to Lill that she, too, has a husband and kids at home she wants to provide for, and Lill says she's thinking about it. Sandra interviews that if Lill is smart, she's going to keep Jon and send Sandra home tonight at tribal council: "I will be in damn shock if I'm not voted out tonight." Jon, walking around stiffly, says that the immunity challenge was "about the most hardcore thing [he's] ever done." Crouching on a raft is the most hardcore thing you've ever done? Okay, wrestler-man. I think you're ready for your pile-driver. He explains that the walking around is an effort to restore his circulation. "My gut right now says I'm going home tonight," he says. He comments, though, that Sandra thinks she's going, too. And it's all up to Lill. Jon watching his fate be contemplated by Lill? Also funny.
Speaking of funny, Lill and Sandra have a little chat. Sandra points out that when Lill wanted Darrah out, Sandra said, "Lill, whatever you want." And when Lill wanted Burton out, Sandra said, "Lill whatever you want." So Sandra's theory is that now that Sandra is asking to be taken to the final two, Lill ought to be willing to say, "Sandra, whatever you want." Heh. That was cute. They laugh.
Lill contemplates her decision: "Sandra, she's got a family. She's got children, she's got a husband, she works." Sandra, on the other hand, has friends on the jury. "She may have a good shot at it," Lill says. Jon, by contrast, is a huge asshole, not that Lill says it quite this way. He argues to Lill inside the shelter that everyone hates him, so she obviously should take him. She points out that Burton doesn't hate Jon, and Jon counters that Burton's is the only vote he'd ever get. Sandra, Jon claims, has at least the votes of Christa, Rupert, Ryan-O, Burton...Lill will never win against Sandra. Lill interviews that she isn't sure whether Jon would or wouldn't be the right person to take. Sure, people hate him, but he's a player. Might they not reward that? She sings "Amazing Grace" as they get ready to leave for tribal council. Okay, now the whole thing is just getting...weird. Jon dramatically throws his scarf over his shoulder, all Isadora Duncan all of a sudden...or at least that's what I'm imagining.
Tribal council. The final three row there and approach the fire pit with their torches. Jeff greets them and brings in the jury. He asks Jon if anyone particularly stood out during the tribute with the torches and the boat-burning. Jon says that Burton and Rupert stood out. His best bud, and the person he screwed the hardest. By the way, Burton has already lost the goatee, so apparently, he knew that was a bad idea almost immediately. Jeff asks about the immunity challenge. He asks Sandra how she felt when she dropped out, and she comments that she figured Lill would drop out almost right away, and that she was stunned to see Lill hang in for so long and beat Jon. Sandra gives up the fact that everyone totally would have underestimated Lill in a situation like that. I have to say, I think Sandra's almost complete candor in these last two tribal councils was a great service to her, and this is part of it. She gives Lill props, which appear to be totally genuine, for hanging in and crushing Jon. Jeff asks Lill what she's thinking about in making her decision. She says that she has given a lot of thought to Jon's constant strategizing, as well as the fact that Sandra has several friends on the jury. When Jeff asks her what her decision will be based on, she says that it will come down to whether she believes she can beat the person or not. Jeff explains that the only person voting will be Lill.
Lill goes to vote. Jeff, to his credit, does not say he's going to go "tally the vote." He says he's going to "get the vote." Heh. Jon sits with the Fairplay Fingers while Jeff unfolds the vote. And what does it say? "Jonny Fairplay." Well, okay. "Johny Fairplay," actually, but let's not step on Lill's moment. "Oh, my God," Sandra says with a grin. Burton's eyebrows pop, like, "Huh. Who knew?" Sandra and Lill hug. "Peace out," Jon says, as he is mercifully, finally snuffed. Foiled by Lill. Oh, the justice. Sandra and Lill clutch hands, and Jeff congratulates them. He reminds them that they should be thinking about what they want to say tomorrow to convince the jury to vote for them.
Again, thank you, Lill. Thank you, thank you, for sparing us a Lill/Jon final two. Because...can you imagine? After this topsy-turvy, often really exciting and unexpected season, a final two of LILL AND JON? Yuck. And it almost happened, people. It really, really almost happened. Jon says that he's proud of himself, and that he never played fair, and that he's the "last man," as if that has meaning of some kind.
Lill and Sandra return to camp. Sandra says she was so sure she was going to be voted out that she was standing with her hand on her stuff, ready to get up and leave, so as not to be one of those dummies who can't figure out where to go when they're booted. Hee. Lill claims that when she and Sandra returned to camp, they realized that they were "what they call the two sole survivors." Well...they don't really say that, in the sense that "two" aren't "sole," but...whatever. I'm cutting her slack, because she just rid me of Jon. They talk more around the fire about how shocked Sandra was not to see her name. Lill interviews that she's hoping she has more friends than Sandra does. She adds, however, that she also was much more comfortable with the idea of Sandra's having the money than Jon. Back at the fire, Lill elaborates, telling Sandra that she never really appreciated Jon's being so manipulative and nasty and everything. "He thought he could just demand whatever he wanted from me and my vote," Lill says simply. She shares with Sandra that she does feel a kinship with her because they're both moms and they both have kids and such. Sandra interviews again that she just wanted to have a graceful exit, and that she was absolutely shocked when the exit failed to materialize. Lill says that she and Sandra are just going to try to have a relaxing evening and following day.
The sun comes up on Day 39. Birds fly around. We swoop over the sandy beach as Lill stands in the surf and voices over that the game is "not for the faint of heart." She explains that you have to be physically and mentally prepared. Then she makes an indignant remark about people who have the nerve to judge the contestants from the comfort of their living rooms. Wait, is she talking to me? Because if she is, she can shut up. If people failed to take an interest in judging you, crazy lady, there would be no show, so you can shut your yap, please. God, I hate that argument. "You should just leave me alone and let me be on television in private!" Cram it, Lill. She goes on to say that her "middle-aged body hurts," and that she's tired and blah blah blah, and has to pull it together for tribal council.
Sandra happily interviews that she has made it through the entire game without receiving a single vote, and now if she gets one, it will be a good thing. Sandra says, unsurprisingly, that she hopes she wins. She predicts that the vote will be close. A nearby lizard agrees.
"Thank you, Lord...we're outta here," Lill says, as she and Sandra leave camp for the last time and head to tribal council. Touching music plays as they wander away and we look at camp which, this time, they didn't burn. Fire regulations and all, probably. Plus, they already burned a boat. They paddle away from the beach.
And now, The Jury. Ryan-O interviews that he doesn't feel that good about having all this power to decide who gets the million. "It's a lot of pressure," he says. He says that what he wants is to give the money to someone who deserves it. He is Ryan-O, Electrician of Justice.
Tijuana interviews that to her, what Lill has in her favor is her perseverance in spite of a pretty shitty situation, and I agree with that. In Sandra's favor, she was honest and "upfront" with people. I agree with that, too. Tijuana is my friend. Especially compared to everyone else.
Burton says that everyone in the game has lied and backstabbed, so he just wants total honesty at the last tribal council. Whoever answers his question more honestly will get his vote. Come on, Burton. You are not giving the money to Lill. Don't kid a kidder, there, pretty-boy.
Christa calls the final two "the two most unlikely people, I think." She says, not entirely incorrectly, that Lill had a good shot at being the first person voted out of Morgan, and Sandra had a good shot at being the first person voted out of Drake. And here they are. And also go to hell, Christa, because I cannot stand you. (No, it doesn't have much to do with what she just said. It's just true.)
Darrah is still pretty stung about being voted off, and she chokes up a little as she talks about the ups and downs of the game. Her interest at tribal council is in saying something back to them because they "screwed [her] over." Well...right. That's the part where they want to win, and they want you not to win. Apparently, Darrah has adopted the They Should Have Just Given Me The Money Theory, pioneered by Rupert.
"I would hope that Lill and Sandra appreciate where they are." This, of course, is the booming voice of Rupert. He says that he wants them to appreciate "the situation that they have been given." Catching himself, he says, "and earned," because otherwise, his utter ungraciousness would be revealed. "The significance of tonight is going to be life-changing for one person. A million dollars is going to be life-changing. We are going to take one little housewife, one little mama, and make their lives, their husband's lives, and their kids' lives...different." The way he says "different," by the way, is totally hilarious in its gravity. It's not surprising that Rupert sees this entire thing through the impact that he is going to have. It's not really about the people vying for the million, it's about the incredible importance of the jury. The jury's task is life-changing. I'm not even bothering with "little housewife" and "little mama," because I think Rupert's condescension will have plenty of opportunities to show itself that are less blatant.
Oh, Jon. Jon says that he's not happy about having played the game as well as he did and not being in the finals. Jon, meet Amazon Rob, who played better than you, was less of an asshole than you, is funnier than you, is more interesting than you, and also did not make the final two -- and watched the money go to Jenna, of all the wretched things. You have absolutely nothing to complain about. Jon again says delusionally that he was the strongest player in the game, and that he made it as far as he could. Again, all about him. "Jonny Fairplay is going to have a fun time at tribal council tonight." Again with the Fairplay Fingers. Yawn. If he were at least less dull, you know?
Tribal council, night. Torches. Lill and Sandra walk up and sit by the fire pit. Jeff welcomes them and brings in the jury. He says that Lill and Sandra will each have a chance to offer an opening statement, then each juror will get a question or comment, then Sandra and Lill will each get a closing. It's like a trial, kind of, with a stinkier jury that takes a much more personal interest in the proceedings.
Sandra's opening statement basically involves her saying that she deserves the money because she was a team player. That's kind of a bad start, to me, because she was always looking out for herself, as they all were, and I don't think she's going to sell that. She says that her strategy was always to be available to offer a vote if anyone needed one, which I think is so funny, because it sounds ridiculous, but it's true. She stumbles again when she claims everyone could count on her "to have their backs," because...no. Every time you vote, you fail to have someone's back, so...no.
Lill's opening gets off to an irritating start, unsurprisingly: "My strategy from the beginning was just to be Lillian Morris." She's going to talk about herself in the third person quite a bit here, so get ready. She says that Lillian is kind. Also, she worked hard, sometimes when other people were still sleeping -- and I don't think anybody's ever denied that that's true. She says that three people told her they were going to take her to the final two, and all three eventually turned their backs on her. I'm assuming we're talking about Burton, Darrah, and...actually, I don't know who the last one is. She says her strategy was to work hard, be friendly, "do good by others, and just be Lillian." Eh. "Do good by others" is kind of...twee, if nothing else.
Jeff gives the jury a moment to think, so we can take a break for yet another commercial.
Back at tribal council, it's time for the jury to ask a question of Sandra and Lill. Jeff says that the idea is to "gain information," because he has never seen the show, and doesn't understand that the idea, in fact, is to get your last digs in. Duh, Jeff.
Ryan-O turns to Lill and asks her why, since she was out of the game for ten days, he should vote for her. I actually think that's a fair question, though not especially enlightening. Lill's answer, of course, is lame: she says that it wasn't easy being an Outcast, either. It's not that I think it would have mattered, but the right answer, I think, would have been that there were disadvantages from being out of the game, too -- resentment from her old tribe, trouble getting reestablished, and so forth. Rather than stressing that being gone was hard, she should have stressed that coming back was hard, if that makes sense.
To Sandra, Ryan-O asks whether she thinks that she "rode certain people's coattails." Again with the non-existent coattails argument. There are no coattails in Survivor, Ryan-O. No coattails. At all. Sandra denies that she rode anyone's coattails, because she knows he's talking about Rupert, and considering that Rupert came in eighth, she was apparently able to stay in the game without him. Damn straight, sister. If you've seen much of Sandra, I think you have to think she really doesn't require coattails. She knows what she's doing -- more, in fact, than Rupert does. Ryan-O looks slightly amused and impressed that Lill just handed his head to him, which is to his credit.
Time for Rupert to self-aggrandize, as is his tradition: "I'm impressed and proud of both of you." Gee, thanks, Daddy! After this opening, however, he lights into Lill right away, accusing her of lying to him and so forth. He asks her whether anything she ever told him was true, despite the fact that it appeared that everything she told him was true, basically until he was getting voted out. Whatever. What's more, Rupert actually accuses Lill of not being a good scout. And all of the revisionist history I suspect he would feed you now about how he just wanted her to admit she couldn't be a scout and play the game is just not accurate. He basically tells Lill that she should have lived by the scout oath, which is the biggest pile of bullshit ever in a final tribal council, and that is really saying something. Rupert accuses Lill of having "sucked him in" so that he would believe her. Yeah, because that Lillian is quite a complex plotter. Whatever. "Tell me anything that you were truthful with me" is Rupert's ungrammatical question, and she answers it by telling him that, contrary to his claim that everything she said was false except the first day, in fact everything was honest until the plot to oust him was brought to her by Burton. So she is, in fact, answering the question. Unsatisfied with this, Rupert says with a condescending little "you idiot" sigh that this doesn't tell him anything in particular that she said that was the truth. He asks her for specifics, and she gives him specifics, recalling specific conversations about family and home and what they cared about, and she says that all of that was true. Rupert actually rolls his eyes, despite the fact that she just answered the question. He's such a fuckwit sometimes, I cannot stand it. "I think that's all you're going to get, Rupert," Jeff interjects, considering that Rupert clearly is not willing to accept answers to his actual questions. "I think so, too," Rupert says in his little "she will never get it" voice. Of all the times I hated Rupert during the show, I hated him the most at that moment. What a fucking asshole. Seriously. He asked her a question; she answered it. He asked her another question; she answered it. Jeff wasn't telling you to give up because Lill wasn't going to answer, Rupert; Jeff was cutting you off because you had already had your question answered, and you're not going to turn the entire show into your personal playground again. Still, the eyes roll, the condescension continues...oh, no one is good enough. Especially not a "little housewife." You arrogant, self-important twit.
Rupert asks Sandra the usual non-tough question that Lill's detractors will be asking her -- whether she knew he was going to be booted on the day it happened. Sandra claims that she didn't. She claims that she didn't know they were going to vote Rupert out, and that's why she voted against Jon. She was mad at Jon, so she wrote his name down, thinking it wouldn't matter. Rupert believes her -- me, about fifty-fifty. ["Same here. She may have voted for Jon because she needed to have plausible deniability for just this very moment." -- Wing Chun] Sandra also takes this opportunity to remind Rupert that she did always tell him and warn him that Jon was not to be trusted. True, that. "I didn't know," she reassures him.
up is Tijuana, who starts by congratulating both Sandra and Lill. She then asks for their answer to why the other person shouldn't get the million, and why they should. Lill hesitates to say anything bad about Sandra, but Sandra tells her not to worry about it, which actually earns a chuckle and points with the jury for Sandra, quite obviously. Lill points out that sometimes, Sandra wasn't very nice to people and screamed at them and called them names. Which? Is true. Lill also returns to the Complete and Total Bullshit Coattails Theory, claiming that Sandra got where she did because of Rupert. NOT. Fascinatingly, Lill then manages to say that she thinks Sandra just let other people tell her what to do. Lill did the same thing, of course, but it's true that Sandra just got through describing this as her strategy, so I'm not that surprised that Lill might bring it up. Lill says that at times, she wanted to ask Sandra if she had a mind of her own. Oy. Pot? Kettle? Yeah. Big pot. Biiiig kettle.
Sandra's answer to Tijuana's question is that Lill is responsible for every single person's booting. Oh, come on, now. I like Sandra a lot, but to claim that you shouldn't vote for Lill because she was basically a foot soldier in the plots to oust the people who are there -- especially when Sandra certainly is equally responsible for a number of them -- is a bit of a stretch. It's Sandra's shittiest answer, and you'll notice that Tijuana's vote is going to reflect that fact. Not to give spoilers, or anything.
Christa. Oh, Christa. You obnoxious nitwit. Now that you've done your post-show appearances and proved what a true dim-bulb you are, I feel that I can tell you that you are one of my least favorite contestants of all time. Rarely has anyone been so lacking in appeal and so full of herself at the same time. Bleh. "What's up, people?" Christa says awkwardly, because she erroneously thinks she's cool. Now, in listening to what Christa asks and how she talks to Lill, keep in mind that there is never any chance that Christa is going to vote for Lill. I mean, come on. She's Sandra's buddy, she hates Lill...there's no way in hell. So none of this is about getting information, or about trying to see if Lill will be honest, or anything. It's just for fun. So here we go. Christa goes after Lill for apologizing too much, and claims that she would recite the scout oath. Yeah, I'm sure. Lill doesn't even know what this flaky chick is talking about, so she asks when she ever apologized for anything. I think Christa is talking here about when Sandra and Rupert laid the huge guilt trip on Lill about not giving Rupert her beer and pizza reward, but she mentions both that and voting Rupert out. Of course, Sandra was screaming at everyone about voting Rupert off and Sandra and Rupert both laid on the guilt about the reward, so if Lill told them she felt bad, one would think that might be part of why. "On those two occasions, I was sincerely sorry," Lill says. "It took a lot out of me to vote Rupert out, but I felt like I had to follow my alliance on that." She also protests that she didn't hide behind the oath. She's been volunteering sixteen years, and it's important to her, but she doesn't feel that she hid behind it. She goes on to repeat that the first time she lied was with voting Rupert out, and that made her realize that if she was entirely honest, she couldn't play the game. "So," Christa snots, narrowing her eyes, caught flat-footed by this rather reasonable answer to her question, "I guess that's...it." Good fucking grief, she is hateful. Again, she answered your damn question, so quit acting like she didn't. Christa is just hideous, truly. So incredibly full of it, so incredibly dismissive...oh, you're so cool, Christa. So very, very cool. You're much too cool to lose to a middle-aged Boy Scout troop leader, except that you just did. Deal with it, and stop being such an infant.
Christa turns to Sandra and asks some dumb-ass question about "what's your wackiest scheme" or something, and Sandra tells some story about listening in on something something and it's more Lill bashing, and frankly, it's overkill at this point.
Burton asks both Lill and Sandra about their survival skills. Sandra says she could survive for a short time, and then she'd struggle. Lill says that she'd last a little longer, knowing how to make fire and get water from scouting, so she gives herself a seven out of ten, while Sandra gave herself a five. Not too far off, I'd say. Of course, because she didn't flog herself, which is the only thing any of these people are interested in from Lill, she's not going to get Burton's vote from it, but there you go.
Darrah. She used to be quiet, but now she's just bitter. She wants Lill and Sandra to explain how they got here. Considering that they both already explained their strategies, I'm not sure of the point of this question, but we'll go with it. Sandra repeats her "anyone but me" theory -- truly a great one, actually -- and that there were other always other fish to fry. Lill says that she wasn't threatening because she was older and not athletic, and that she followed her alliances at times and broke away from them at times: "Some of it is following along, some of it is using my own head and doing something on my own." It's also not a bad answer, really. I remembered Lill's answers being much worse than they were based on my first viewing, probably because the contestants were so snotty about them, but they're really not that terrible.
Jon. Of course, you'd think Jon would have something fascinating to say. Or, if you've ever seen him before, something clichéd and obvious. "My question's for Jeff; can I vote 'none of the above'?" Wait, that's his line? That's the line he thought about from yesterday until today? "None of the above"? Wow, good one. Anyway, Jon's real question is about how well they think they represented their various constituencies -- with Lill, the Boy Scouts, and with Sandra, Puerto Ricans. Suffice it to say that Lill doesn't think she did or could have represented the scouts very well, given the nature of the game, and Sandra doesn't think she embarrassed Puerto Rico. And I'm just not devoting any more time than that to Jon anymore, because he's a waste of typing, and more attention is exactly what he wants, and I'm boycotting his ass.
But note that for contestants who would later claim in their revisionist manner that Lill would never admit that she played the game rather than representing the scouts, her last sentence is, "I did not represent the scouts very well at all." Period. So she did, as it turns out, own up to what she did.
Now, it's time for a commercial, so Sandra and Lill can think about their last words to the jury.
Back from commercials, it is time for final speeches. Sandra says she played the game the only way she knew how. She was upfront about the kind of person she is, and although she feared that her mouth would get her in trouble, she's now glad she did it that way. She says she thinks she's a good person, regardless of how many people she cussed out (heh), and she has no regrets. I have no regrets about her, either. What kind of a game would it be if nobody got cussed out?
Lill, unfortunately for her, has let the questioning get to her, as we learn when she takes over for her final statement. If she had it to do over again, she says, she wouldn't have brought the uniform. There's no honor in Survivor, and although she intended to play honestly, she soon figured out that she couldn't: "Whatever you guys say about my honor and my integrity is bullshit." Heh, good for her. Seriously. She's obnoxious, she's whiny, she's irritating as all hell, she's socially inept, she's a drama queen, she takes everything much too personally, and she is not cut out for Survivor. But I don't blame her for not being interested in listening to the likes of Christa, Jon, or Rupert impugning her integrity as a person, because that is, as she says, seriously ridiculous. She stresses that she may have lied in the game, but that doesn't mean she lies at home, and it doesn't mean she has to put up with them lecturing her about integrity. She says that she also tried to play hard, and she also tried to make friends, and that it was hurtful to her when her friendships dissolved. "You either play the game, or you get voted out," she says plainly. ["'And I did get voted out once,' Lill fails to add, 'so I know.'" -- Wing Chun] "So no matter what you guys do, I did the best I could with what I had, and the person that I am," says Lill. She stresses that when this is over, she's going home to her family and her life, and that's what's important to her. She's going to tell her troop that it was just a game: "Put the scout uniform aside. I wish I had, and I didn't." Again, a better answer than I remembered. She is expressing regret, and she is expressing that she thinks she fucked up by bringing the uniform. I really don't know what else she could have said. She said she lied because it was the only way to win the game, which I think is true. She said she shouldn't have come in thinking she could be a good scout and a good contestant, which I also think is true. Like I said, I don't like her, but I also don't think she's a bad person. She's just irritating. And there are a lot worse things to be than that. Like self-righteous, judgmental, and maliciously nasty -- like Rupert, Christa, and Jon.
Now, it's time to vote. Christa votes. Rupert votes for Sandra, talking about how proud he is of her and how much he digs her. Which was nice. Darrah votes. Burton votes. Jon votes. Tijuana votes for Lill, saying that she's not sure Sandra had a strategy as much as she stumbled into the right alliance. She thinks Lill did a good job recovering from the Outcast issue, and playing as well as she could under the circumstances.
Jeff takes off to tally the votes. Of course, when he returns, he says that they will have to wait for the results until later, because there will be no vote-reading tonight. Jeff takes off on his jet ski with the voting urn. I love that part. That's totally how he's getting to Hollywood, where the party is.
Cut to the party in Hollywood, where Jeff is in a different shirt, arriving with the urn. The contestants are seated on the stage. He grins at them broadly. "Who'd have ever thought, Mrs. As-Long-As-It-Ain't-Me and Mrs. I'm-Too-Nice, sittin' in the final two," he says to Sandra and Lill. Hee. He reminds them that winner gets a million bucks and a GMC Envoy. He starts reading votes. After one for each of them, it turns into a landslide -- it's six to one, in favor of Sandra. Yeah, Sandra! Wooooo!
Seriously, that is the first really satisfying damn ending they've had on this show in quite a while, if you think about it. I may have thought the jury was too hard on Lill -- I did think that -- but I sure as hell didn't want her to win the money, bleh. I like Sandra all right, as it turned out, and I liked her strategy, and it's nice to be able to say that about someone who won, for once.
Hugs all around! Even for Lill! The return of the non-jury contestants! It's reunion time, folks, so tune in soon for the tales of Jonny Fairplay's non-dead grandma, Jeff Probst busting on some people, Lill getting a hint of what might have been, and much more Rupert than is necessary.