To Quit Or Not To Quit

Previously: Over the side of the boat, mateys! Aye, you'll be walkin' the plank! Except without the plank! Or the walkin'! The Drake and Morgan tribes washed ashore in Panama just long enough for Rupert to abscond with some of Morgan's booty and Morgan to emerge with bupkus in the booty department. (Incidentally, The Booty Department is the name of J.Lo's album, which she is desperately hoping to release before the last four remaining people on earth who don't despise her change their...oh, never mind. Too late.) The teams reached camp and got underway, and Morgan didn't need a wall to fall on them for them to figure out that they were overmatched. Surprisingly, a wall fell on them anyway. The immunity challenge was a rout and Drake rolled away with it, unfazed by mud, sticks, or Morgan's rampant and highly strategic nudity. In the wake of the big loss, Nicole's luck didn't hold up any better than her dress, and she found herself on the crap end of Peachy's snuffer. Snuff! Goodbye, Nicole.

Credits. Arrrrrr! I wonder if this is the first time there's been a gun in the credits. I tell you, we're making history, here, folks. Not just any history, either. Angry, violent history with exploitation of the environment and the crushing of the weak. Hey, now we can be in all the high-school textbooks!

It is Night 3 at Morgan, or so the captions tell us as we stare at the ashy gray sky and the fuzzy full moon. We're in for a long stretch of night-vision camerawork here, because midnight at Morgan is a dark, dark time, both literally and figuratively. Lill stares miserably into the fire, visualizing how much better this would all be if it were more like a Boy Scout Jamboree. I think she's singing camp songs in her head. ("My father is a fireman! Heeeeee...puts ouuuut...fiiiiires!") Maybe she just wants there to be fewer biting insects and more s'mores. Tijuana sits hugging herself and staring into the fire, which she would like you to think is because she is fully occupied thinking deep thoughts about electoral politics or how to genetically-engineer the skinless potato, but which is probably in fact the result of her deep conviction that it's only worth lifting your arms if you're going to wrap them around the most totally awesome person within reach. She voices over that the nights have been "breaking [her] down." Ah, yes, those punishing nights. All two of them. She complains that it's cold outside, and that it's hard to sleep. There is further auto-snuggling.

In a conversation with Tijuana, Osten notes that, among other things, their fire has all the warmth of Bryant Gumbel's birthday party, and he thinks they could shiver a little less if they improved it. He goes on to explain in an interview that he will probably get pneumonia. Unfortunately, Osten has not heard the news that cold weather's causal link to pneumonia is highly questionable. The group settles down to try to go to sleep, but it appears that the floor of their shelter is so badly constructed that it actively repels sleep by thrusting sticks up into their necks. Andrew comments that the group has been suffering from sleep deprivation, having had about an hour or two of sleep total over the three days. He says that if they don't get it solved, people will start hallucinating. He does not add, "Suffering from, for instance, delusions of grandeur and boatloads of denial over the fact that most leaders are eventually devoured by their ungrateful erstwhile toadies."

We now see Ryan S. apparently sitting on a log, slumped forward in a most disheartening attempt to sleep sitting up. Boy, it's a bad shelter that doesn't make a better pillow than your kneecaps. In an interview apparently done the morning, Ryan S. tells us that he doesn't remember sleeping at all. He says that he thinks he'll be all right once he gets some water and food, but in the long run, he needs to find a new sleeping plan. "This isn't working for me," he says, as we return to the night before and see him sitting with a concerned Lill. Osten approaches and sympathetically puts a hand on Ryan's shoulder, before rather less sympathetically voicing over, "Skinny Ryan, his best day, doesn't equate to what I can do on my worst day." Wow, yeah. I hate it when other people don't equate to what I can do. Osten, in case you haven't noticed, desperately needs to stop constructing his sentences with Tinkertoys. Or at least he needs to stop mixing real Tinkertoys with pencils and spools of thread. "That's no knock to him," Osten continues. "He just physically -- he has nothing to offer. He just doesn't have what it takes to get it done." As we all now know, Osten, of course, is the master of having what it takes to get it done, so be sure to file that remark under "True (Totally)" rather than "Ironic (Bitterly)." On Night-Vision Cam, we see Ryan's not-at-all-knocked, nothing-to-offer, not-equating-to-Osten face in extreme and unflattering night-vision close-up.

Morning comes. A pirate flute offers its melodious Tootle of Greetings. Rupert and Trish are taking a waterside stroll over at Drake, where it's nothing but sandy beaches, shared skirts, and that warm sense of community that you can only get from sharing each other's intrusive stench to the point where you can't smell yourself. Rupert tells Trish that last night was much better than the night before as far as his "whole state of mind," and he then tells us in an interview that he's "loving life, loving this place, and loving the position [he's] in." Heartily munching on what is apparently his Iron John moment, Rupert jumps up to pull some branches from a tree, and as he bounces on a branch with his skirt happily flapping in the Panamanian winds, we see London. We see France. We may even see parts of Luxembourg and the Netherlands. That right there might be the Equator. Anyway, Rupert talks about how he's in a lovely location with nice people, and that he's surrounded by "beautiful souls." And Shawn. Speaking of whom, I'm afraid I had a very brief encounter with impure thoughts about Shawn's pirate pants along about here. I apologize. In a separate interview, Rupert says that while his tribe isn't "truly lazy," some members are having problems here in paradise. We see Shawn squander a bunch of coconut milk by slopping it down his front, earning himself some ribbing from Best Bud Burton. It would seem sort of excessive to pick on people for being lazy when they're literally not intellectually advanced enough to nourish themselves without a sippy cup, so I sort of see Rupert's point.

And now, it is time for the tender love story of Rupert and the Sea. We see him spear-fishing, and he tells us that he "love[s] being in the middle of a giant fish tank." A yellow fish comes up to the camera and opens its mouth wide. "Woooo!" it says. "Fish rule!" A pincushionfish -- apparently an escapee from a Dr. Seuss book -- swims by. Rupert explains that he loves being able to go out and bring fish back for the team. There is fishing. Later, happy Leon Redbone-esque music plays as Drake sits around a campfire and enjoys what genuinely looks for all the world like a beach party. All they need is a volleyball net, a keg, and the unmistakable wail of police sirens. Rupert delivers a lecture to Burton about the fact that the tip of the spear can get loose at times, so before he fishes and while he's fishing, Burton should make sure that he keeps it tight. In a weird interview in which Rupert just begins to chip away at my abiding love for him, he refers to it as "my spear" and talks about how he'd rather do all the fishing himself than worry about loaning the spear to these boneheads. As much as I'm with him on the bonehead issue, the spear isn't actually his, and that attitude is going to get really old. Rupert insists in a voice-over that he needs to eat meat, so he can't afford to have the spear gone. Unfortunately, he's eventually going to have to accept that he's going to sink or swim with his team, and that nobody's perfect, including himself. Which he doesn't seem to realize right at the moment, unfortunately. Drake members announce that their food is good, and that they're "full." It's safe to say they're probably about as well-off in terms of sustenance and morale as we've ever seen a team at this point.

Meanwhile, at the Camp of the Damned, Ryan S. hits the Correspondence Canoe and brings back the entirely non-arboreal "treemail" for the day. He voices over that this challenge is a "super big one" for him personally, because he's managed to earn an early reputation for slacking off in challenges, so he needs to hit this one hard. The treemail indicates that it's a reward challenge, so of course the members of Morgan high-five each other, dreaming of the finer things, like Ho-Hos, clean undies, and feather pillows. And, of course, some emergency substitute team members who suck less than the ones they have now. Ryan S. interviews that he has to come up with something extra for the challenge, or he'll be screwed. He protests that he may not even have the necessary strength "harnessed away in this poor little body." Well, he's at least got self-awareness going for him, I suppose.

Swashbuckling music plays as the teams converge on Snapping Duck Bay, where all the really mercurial ducks hang out. Drake gets to see for the first time that Morgan has done away with Nicole. Interestingly but unsurprisingly, the members of Drake stand on their mat with everyone's arms around each other, the picture of unity and love, while the members of Morgan stand on their mat looking miserable and depressed, already thinking about who they'll eat first. Peachy explains the reward challenge, which goes something like this: There's a sort of playing field out in the water, marked off by buoys. Within that area, sitting on the ocean floor, each team has five items waiting to be grabbed. Predictably, it's costume-party-type pirate booty, like pearls, a Silverette goblet, and so forth. Not that I'm complaining. It would be worse if they used the natural surroundings. I don't really want to watch them retrieve a tire, a piece of medical waste, a mafia figure, a fishing lure, and one of those yellow rubber duckies that fell off that cargo ship in the North Pacific. Anyway, one at a time, the team members will swim out, dive, and retrieve an object off the bottom. There's also a treasure chest assigned to each team under the water. All the items eventually have to be deposited in the chest. When a team has put all of its items in the chest, they'll swim out together, get the treasure chest, and haul it back to shore. The first team to have its treasure chest back to the flag with all the booty in it will win the reward. And what is the reward? Well, it turns out that each team's island has a treasure chest with great stuff in it buried somewhere. Peachy hands each team a shovel and a key to the chest for when they eventually find it. The winner of the reward challenge will get part of a map to find the chest. Also, whoever wins the challenge will get to "loot" an item from the other team's camp -- a practice that will be followed for all the rest of the team reward challenges. Andrew shakes his head miserably, thinking that there's nothing of value to take from his camp except for, of course, him. "Perhaps I will be stolen!" he thinks to himself. He thinks about ways to secure himself to the shelter using lengths of chain, and then he remembers that they don't have any lengths of chain. He wonders whether he can build a moat around himself.

Drake has to choose a member to sit out, and chooses Sandra. The first two people to swim out against each other, it appears, are going to be Ryan S. and Burton. Oh...dear. Well, might as well just go ahead and call the case of Lamb v. Slaughter, your honor. On Peachy's signal, Burton and Ryan S. both run out into the water. Ryan S. gets off to a bad start by kind of dog-paddling with his head up out of the water, which slows him down as compared to the actually swimming Burton. Out at the buoys, Burton dives down to the bottom and snags the silver goblet. Ryan S. bobs at the top of the water. Uh oh. He has abandoned his face mask, for one thing, and can't seem to decide whether he wants to wear it or not. Burton, on the other hand, dives down to the bottom at the chest fully masked, opens it up, and drops the goblet in. Drake cheers for Burton as he swims back toward the rest of his tribe.

The trials of Ryan S. continue as he puts the mask back on, dives under the water, and immediately tears the mask back off and resurfaces. It looked from the cascade of bubbles coming from his face like he never got the mask on right, so it filled up with water when he dove. Basically, the kid has mishandled the mask rather badly, and his indecision over it seems to be his biggest problem right now. His team looks on miserably. Burton runs up the beach and hands off to Shawn, who runs into the water. Ryan S. -- having ditched his mask again and trailing it in one hand -- dives below again, and this time, he finally comes up with the goblet. Andrew looks on disapprovingly. "He has displeased me," Andrew ominously grumbles inside his head. Shawn adjusts his mask and dives for the pearls, snagging them without too much difficulty. He resurfaces just as Ryan S. makes the dive for the treasure chest. Unfortunately, the chest is far enough away that he doesn't make it, and he bobs to the surface. Humiliating him now and for all time to the point where people will insult him from open car windows, Peachy yells out that Ryan S. can bring the goblet back if he wants and hand it off to the person, who will presumably try to drop it in the chest. I guess the deal is that each person can only grab one item, but other than that, you can do it however you want.

As Shawn deposits Drake's second item in the chest, a despairing Ryan S. swims for shore. When he arrives, he hands off the goblet to Ryan-O, who takes the goblet but tosses aside the mask entirely. And there's really no nice way to say this, but somebody apparently missed Ryan-O's wonderfulness completely flying out of the front of his shorts as he runs into the water. (In my defense, I would not have noticed this, of course. It was pointed out by the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters. It's not like I sit on the pause button looking for this sort of thing. But once you see it? There it is.) Rupert takes the handoff from Shawn and heads out. Wearing, you'll note, the mask. A despondent Ryan S. -- knowing that he's most likely sealed his fate -- sits behind his team on the sand with a long string of snot dropping from the end of his nose. He's wet, too, but water's not that...um, stretchy. (Ch-ching! I just scored the Recapper Bodily Fluid Identification Bonus! It's about time somebody got it besides Aaron.) Ryan-O and Rupert get back out to the buoys at about the same time. Ryan-O goes for the chest to drop off the goblet, but he has some trouble opening it, along with some trouble with his shorts, which drop down to his knees, providing another opportunity for the visual dance party that is the pixelizing of a bare ass. He can't get the chest open, so he goes back up to the top, and then we see Rupert grab the candelabra off the bottom. It appears that Shawn left the chest open, because Rupert is able just to drop the candelabra in. Finally, the still-pixelized Ryan-O gets the chest open and deposits the goblet that Ryan S. procured. Rupert returns to shore and tags Christa.

Christa dives to the bottom and emerges with a silver plate. She comes to the top, bobs, and dives down to the bottom again to dump it in the chest, dangling the mask in her hand. So it is, I guess, possible to do it without the mask on. She comes back to shore, and Ryan-O goes to the bottom to get the pearls. Back on shore, Christa hands off to Burton, who apparently is allowed to go again. He runs out to get the last item. Ryan-O returns to shore and passes off the pearls to Lill. She swims out in her Boy Scout shirt and her white undies. Back at home, her troop gets a group rate for therapy. Meanwhile, Burton grabs the gold bowl off the bottom. He dumps it in the chest and closes it. He returns to shore, so his teammates can now all turn and swim out to retrieve the chest. Lill has grabbed the candelabra for the badly trailing Morgan. Drake, however, has converged on its treasure chest, preparing to drag it to shore. Lill has apparently gotten the candelabra into the chest, and she returns and tags Andrew. Drake continues dragging the chest. Andrew grabs the plate. Drake drags their chest up onto the shore. Andrew, not having even bothered to put the plate in the chest, brings it up on shore in no hurry whatsoever. You know, we've seen enough teams blow these challenges in various ways (getting the wrong thing, etc.) that it seems to me that you never stop trying like that, just in case. But Andrew is all about the opposite of leadership and giving about 60%, I suppose. Anyway, in this instance, Peachy confirms that Drake has correctly completed the challenge. They all hug and congratulate themselves in that way they're developing that could potentially come back to haunt them if Morgan ever actually won any challenges. Of course, this doesn't currently appear to be anything Drake needs to worry about. Peachy hands over the first buried-treasure clue to Drake. He also reminds them that they'll be sending an ambassador over to Morgan later to steal something. Morgan sits miserably on the beach, undoubtedly blaming Ryan S. for all of their misery, not that most of the rest of them didn't do almost as badly.

Commercials. It's so good to see Cindy Crawford working again.

Fanfare for the Common Survivor -- which does not at all infringe on any copyright owned by the estate of Aaron Copland -- welcomes us back to the Pearl Islands, and specifically to the camp of the victorious Drake tribe. They open their treasure clue, which has some typically low-rent poetic instructions that rhyme and make no sense. Burton explains that their "hands are tied, because it's high tide." Yeah, that and the fact that they don't have enough information to find the chest anyway. Drake then enters into a discussion (including the annoying expression "in agreeance," which seems to be stalking me) about what Morgan might have that could be worth taking. Shawn suggests that one thing that would be really useful would be a water jug (they have one already, but they want another). Jon counters that he'd rather use the opportunity to hurt Morgan, and he believes that it's possible that they have more than one water jug, so taking one wouldn't hurt them. What might hurt them, he suggests, is taking their tarp, if they have one. Rupert insists that it isn't necessary to hurt Morgan, implying but not saying that you don't need to go out and hurt a team that appears not to be able to spit without hitting itself in the face. He's right, but Jon is also right in the limited sense that if you take something the other team really wants, then if they get the opportunity to raid your camp, they're likely just to take it back, rather than take something of yours that you really like. Like, I don't know, the spear. The team elects Sandra to go on the raid, and Michelle quite correctly interviews that she was happy not to have to go, because it's essentially impossible to do that without putting a big target on your back. Rupert gives Sandra a big hug and sends her on her way to Morgan.