Sour Grapes

Previously on Survivor, the alliance of Rob, Alex, HeiDDi, and Jenna laid out, and Christy said they did "jackshit." But they didn't do "jackshit"! They were just working on their God-given tanning responsibilities in order to maintain their contribution to the tribe and to the world as beautiful people! Sadly, Christy didn't sign "jackshit," because learning such a gesture could come in handy. Jenna got good news from home, and behaved badly toward Christy, and then Alex "boldly" told Rob his plans to vote Rob out. It was less "bold" and more "stupid," though, leading Rob to trade sides in order to save his own manboobs...I mean, "skin." At Tribal Council, Jenna and HeiDDi were stunned, Deena was well-fed, and Alex became the third member of the jury. Six are left. Who will be voted out tonight?

Thunder and lightning are ominous on Night 30 at Jacke. Returning from Tribal Council, Matthew, Rob, Butch, and Christy discusses the status of the fire while HeiDDi and Jenna whisper and play with their mouths. Jenna voice-overs that when Alex was voted out she felt more betrayed than ever before in her life because Rob "screwed the alliance," and betrayed them all in the process. She can't imagine how Alex feels right now, but speaking for herself and HeiDDi she says, "We hate [Rob]." She whines that she didn't think Rob would so willingly "sacrifice personal relationships for a gamble," and that she and HeiDDi are unable to forgive him.

As HeiDDi and Jenna warm themselves over the cooking manioc balls, Rob announces that he has something to say. He knows he voted differently than "some people" expected him to, and it wasn't because he disliked Alex but because Alex had told him some untruths. I have no idea why Rob doesn't tell the truth here about what Alex told him, instead of making up lies faulting him for what Rob himself has unapologetically done throughout the game. Christy stands right up in Rob's face as he explains -- probably because it's so dark and she can read his lips better that way, but I imagine it's disconcerting having someone standing so close to one. Christy's the opposite of a close talker -- a close listener. Rob announces that if anyone wants to speak with him about his Tribal Council actions, he has no problems discussing them.

Matthew jumps in to add that although he "thoroughly enjoyed Alex's company," he had also experienced his deceptiveness. In an interview, HeiDDi pisses that everyone took their time talking except for Jenna and herself. She explains, "If I would've [sic] talked at that point, I would've had every single cuss word come out of my mouth at that time." We return to the tribal discussion, where Matthew adds that he doesn't "harbor any ill will toward either" Jenna or HeiDDi. He says it's a game; they both voted against him and he won't forget it, but it also won't affect the way they interact with each other around camp. HeiDDi and Jenna nod and agree that it's good, but they don't really have any other choice.

Half the tribe members sleep, while HeiDDi cries to Jenna and Rob, whining that she helped the three men remaining in the game -- particularly Butch, whom she claims wouldn't be there without her. She interviews that she's never felt so "manipulated, cheated, and hurt all at the same time." Rob apologizes for hurting the women, preaching that it's time for them to evaluate what they're willing to do to win. HeiDDi sobs that she's not willing to turn her back on loved ones, and punctuates this announcement with a gigantically unattractive sniffle. Rob rolls his eyes before telling us in an interview that Jenna and HeiDDi were "under the impression" that they held the majority and were going to ride it through to the end. He grinningly announces that the tables have turned, and that the girls will now have to "kiss some ass" to ensure that one of them makes it through the three days. Actually, either way, one of them is going to make it the three days, unless they simultaneously fall into the mouth of a crocodile.

Drops of rain fall from tree branches on the morning of Day 31. Jenna is snuggled up to nasty-ass HeiDDi with the nasty-ass remains of the evening's Tribal Council sun on her face. As the other members of the tribe work around camp, Matthew explains that it poured rain for two hours the days, and that their shelter wasn't waterproofed. Because the roof wasn't properly constructed, rain leaked in, and everyone was miserable. He orders the other members of the tribe about how to slant the roof with the very clear instruction of "boom, boom, boom." I don't know why they don't put that on my IKEA manual. Matthew explains his plan to build another fire shelter right to the one they have now, "but [to] use it for people." So his plan is to burn them all! It's all so clear now. He claims that it will be easy to construct a second such structure, because all they have to do is tie a couple poles together and "merely" stack some palm fronds. Butch warns them that the rain is coming, and a watchful Matthew kicks into military mode: "Okay! Palm fronds! Buckets up! Let's layer 'em! Right now!" As Matthew voice-overs that this "quick fix" is the morning's project, pouting HeiDDi dons her jacket and stomps around camp while doing nothing to help. The other tribe members scurry around in the rain, while Jenna and HeiDDi stand under cover and watch them. Jenna mutters, "Piss off," before telling us in an interview that she's not giving up because Rob stabbed her in the back, and that he'll eventually "have to pay." Preferably in peanut butter and chocolate.

Christy has joined HeiDDi and Jenna under the shelter, and happily announces that they just never know whom to trust in the game. HeiDDi flatly responds, "No. I never lied to you. Either." Christy is caught off-guard and stutters through her response that she never lied to HeiDDi, but that it is still ultimately part of the game. HeiDDi nods and agrees that they can't do anything about it, claiming that when she and Jenna are gone, Christy will be to go. HeiDDi thinks it "sucks," but she clearly only means the part about her and Jenna being gone is what sucks. She interviews that when she woke up in the morning, she realized that she hadn't lasted out there for just thirty-one days to be "screwed over and just take it." HeiDDi asks why Christy's not mad that she's come this far only to have the men vote her out, and Christy agrees that it does make her mad, but asks how can she change it? HeiDDi explains that the women can either be voted out first, or decide to make it to the final three together. As HeiDDi continuing to plead her whiney case, she voice-overs that she knows Christy is the wild card, and it's "okay" if Christy makes it to the Final Four. How big of her. She adds that if she and Jenna can get HeiDDi to vote with them, they'll have a 50% chance of remaining in the game, whereas they'll have a "zero percent" chance of staying without Christy. HeiDDi commands Christy to think about it, insisting that it's her call before making a last plea for the women to finish in the top three. Christy noncommittally agrees to "see what happens."

Feet stomp through the mud, as Christy warns Rob to "watch out for big spiders." An ancient monkey looks on. Poor old toothless monkey. Rob smiles as he reveals that he had a long talk with Jenna and HeiDDi, who can't believe that Christy might last longer in the game than they. Christy puts her hands up in the air and exclaims, "Yes!" before insisting, "I want to. I really really want to." Except at first I think she's saying, "I want you. I really really want you," and I get very confused. She adds that she "seriously" deserves to outlast Jenna and HeiDDi, and that she sees it as her challenge. Rob further explains that HeiDDi and Jenna think they've worked harder than Christy has; Christy responds that she hasn't even seen Jenna chop down a tree. She voice-overs that although she could go further in the game with the girls, she prefers the company of the honest and fun boys. In the conversation with Rob, Christy wears a royal blue shirt that emphasizes the color of her eyes, and she looks beautiful. In her interview, she wears her saggy, turquoise swimsuit, and the effect is less beautiful. Christy thinks it's funny that Jenna has approached her, insistently "need[ing] to talk." She mock-responds, "Now you need to talk to me?" pointing out that they could have considered her in the seventh grade when they were choosing dodgeball teams, but that they didn't, and now they actually expect to be on prom committee with her? Actually, she says they could have respected or considered her throughout the game, but that the whole thing is just so high school. In an interview, Christy wonders whether it's better to win a million or to "be the final girl that kicked butt." She gulpily giggles that it's a hard decision because she has all the power. The other men have joined Rob and Christy; Rob gleefully gloats as he and Christy pretend to spit on their hands and shake on it.

The tribe arrives at the challenge, where Peachy wears a blah gray shirt that does nothing for his nice blue eyes; his ears look particularly big in this segment, but I suspect that has less to do with the shirt and more to do with the fact that his ears are just big in. In any case, he explains that today's competition is a race to collect and assemble puzzle pieces. The S6 will race to grab four paddles from under a series of "sandy mounds." Hee. He said "sandy mounds" again. Because there are only four paddles and six competitors, two will be eliminated immediately. The remaining four will paddle out in canoes to color-coded boxes, where a trivia question will await them: "The bite of which Amazonian snake results in the most deaths?" The answer choices are anaconda, pit viper, vine snake, coral snake, or Richard Hatch. Each answer corresponds to a bag of puzzle pieces, which the competitors will take to one of two "puzzle stations" on land. Yes, Peachy said "puzzle stations." If the player correctly answered the trivia question, his or her puzzle pieces will be in stylish camouflage and will fit together. If the player incorrectly answered the question, his or her puzzle pieces will be in basic black. Peachy points out that since there are only two puzzle stations, as soon as the first two competitors have begun puzzling, the remaining players will be immediately eliminated. Peachy warns them that these are "Native Amazonian boats" and require balancing skills, further cautioning that if a player's boat sinks, the player will end up swimming: "You might want to think twice about that." The camera pans over to reveal a crocodile sliding into the water. As Peachy reiterates that the first person to complete the puzzle wins the reward, we see time-lapse photography of the puzzle completing itself. Peachy reveals that the reward is a visit from a loved one, and Jenna and HeiDDi cry and cover their mouths. What is with the mouth covering?

Butch's wife rounds the corner first. Her name is Cindy, and she likes to give the "thumbs up" sign. Peachy commands her, "Give your man a hug! He's been waitin' thirty-one days for some love!"

Peachy announces, "Christy, I know you've been waitin' to see your boyfriend!" as said boyfriend runs from behind the bushes with his arms extended outside. All that's missing are the "vroom, vroom" airplane sounds. They hug, and she tells him she loves him.

Rob's mother is named Roseanne, but she looks like Rita Wilson. Which is much preferable to being named Rita Wilson, but looking like Roseanne. Even Rob gets teary.

HeiDDi's mother Kathy runs out and they hug and spin.

As Jenna's father jogs toward her, she squeals with excitement before ordering him not to run because of his knees. As much as it pains me to say it, that warning is cute. They hug.

We cut to Matthew, who interviews that it was an amazing and touching experience for him to witness his tribemates' tears and emotions, being incapable of feeling any for himself. He explains, "I felt I was, like, God for a moment."

Peachy credits Matthew's generosity for the ten minutes the others will now share with their loved ones, and with some wine, grapes, and cheese. Rob stands up and toasts Matthew, along with everyone else he thinks will look back and appreciate these days together. Matthew announces, "My pleasure!" We pan around the table as the loved ones and the S6 share information with each other, including that Jenna's mom "got a case of the shingles." It sounds like a venereal disease, but it's not. Comically, Rob leans over to whisper in his mother's ear, "I've been really, really bad," to which she sarcastically responds, "I'm shocked. I am shocked!" HeiDDi waves a knife around and insists that her family is on her mind all the time. Lastly, Christy confidently whispers to her boyfriend, "I'm in the Final Four!" Peachy tells them to "grab a few grapes," because it's time for farewells. The loved ones get loaded up into a boat and leave.

Peachy self-importantly announces that he, too, believes in the philosophy that it is better to give than to receive. Matthew says, "Really!" before Peachy yells, "Here's your mom!" We pan over to a boat puttering up, containing Matthew's very lovely mother. Peachy reveals that not only will Matthew see his mom, but he'll also get an entire evening alone with her, during which they will be visited by an Amazonian tribe. In response, Matthew assumes a muscle-man stance. I don't know why. Matthew's mother claps in the boat while the other members of the tribe express earnest happiness for him. As Matthew's mother docks, Peachy announces that Matthew has earned her visit more than she probably knows, and the other members of the tribe tear up. They hug, and Matthew apologizes that he's "a little drunk" because he's been "sucking down some wine." He then interviews that the situation "sucked," because he had to "express some emotion, "concluding, "I hate doin' that!" Peachy sends them off together, and Matthew earnestly wishes the others a good night, before cutely putting his arm around his mother's waist as they head off.

A full moon reveals the boat chugging up the river as Matthew voice-overs that they were "whisked up the Amazon" and dropped at a torch-lit dock. He boasts that he "had a feeling" they'd follow the torches through the jungle, as opposed to fumbling around in the dark. He very seriously explains, "She clung to me. She was really scared." We see the clinging and the scared, except not so much as he makes it out to be. Matthew continues explaining that they followed the torches to a clearing in the jungle and a table covered with food and drink. Matthew jumps up and down in excitement when he spots a plate of fried chicken, demonstrating that a visit from Colonel Sanders might have been much harder to give up than the visit from his mom. As he uncorks the wine, he promises, "It's just the two of us, Mom. It's gonna be a romantic evening." And even if he's kidding -- which I'm sure he is -- it's still a creepy thing to say. In an interview, he explains that he and his mother have a great relationship and it's not the "traditional mother-son relationship." No kidding, with the whole "romantic" thing. Matthew's mother reveals that she's missed him "awfully," which surprises him. She announces that she talks to him when he's not even there, and he likes that. She then orders him not to be "too formal." He asks if he's being too formal, and she calmly responds, "Just a bit." Honestly, I really wanted to like Matthew's mother, but she creeped me out a bit, too. Why is she worried about how formal they come off? I wouldn't go back to my room for a shower with these two around.

Meanwhile, the rest of the tribe drunkenly unloads food they brought back from the reward. Rob asks, "Are we having a bathing suit party yet?" and what in God's good name is a "bathing suit party"? We then pan over to Christy, who's lamenting having gotten her foot stuck in a tree and trying all Three Stooges-style to pull it out. Except that since no one even tries to help her, it's more One Stooge than anything else. As they celebrate, Rob voice-overs that they were all in good moods after seeing their families, and not thinking about the game. Christy exclaims that she's happy to have seen all their loved ones, but seeing Butch and Cindy together was particularly pleasing to her. Butch says that all he wanted to do was hug his wife; he then preachily slurs that it should have made them feel good, "and that's what life's about." Rob interviews that Butch was "an absolute disaster." He doesn't know how much Butch drank, but "he got crazy." As we see Christy trying to help Butch into bed, jazzy music starts playing in the background accompanied by a few, random boinging sound effects. Rob announces that he told his mother he hadn't showered in thirty-one days, while Jenna seems pleased that she showed her dad her hairy legs. Rob interviews that the tribe drank about five bottles of wine, and he's now wearing a Speedo. In night-vision cam, our angle swings around to show the girls seated with Rob's package looming in the foreground. He adds that the girls are in bikinis and "it's like a rap video." A rap video with vomit, apparently, as we witness a dry heaving Butch. As HeiDDi orders Jenna to "pass the wine, baby!" Rob wonders why it smells so bad around camp, and Jenna responds that it's probably vomit. Rob manically interviews that they'd been drinking for a while, and some people had to go to bed. He tells us, "And I had a feeling that at least one of those two people soiled themselves." We see the passed-out -- and possible self-soiled -- Butch, as the others discuss how gag-worthy the odor is. Rob insists that it's the worst thing he's smelled in thirty-one days. HeiDDi yells, "Crap! I can't handle that!"

The S6 arrive at the immunity challenge, in what has turned out to be another clue-free episode. Yay! Peachy explains that the challenge will consist of two rounds. In the first, they'll each have a slingshot and ten marbles. Labeled plates hang from trees, and their goal is to break as many of their own plates as they can. Each time they break a plate, they release a puck, which they will then claim and use on the Survivor shuffleboard. Peachy explains that the players' goal is to slide the puck closest to the center of the "x" on the board, before pointing out that a victory in this challenge will ensure the winner a one in five chance of winning the million.

In the first round, Matthew hits a plate, as does Jenna, who hams up a surprised reaction. In the round, Christy hits one of her own, while Butch takes out a Jenna, giving her another point. To her credit, Jenna volunteers that she didn't score the winning hit. To her discredit, she smirks when Peachy reveals that it doesn't matter. More shots, more breaking plates. Rob announces, "I haven't broke [sic] this many plates since I was a waiter."

The round abruptly concludes, and Peachy orders them, "Gather your pucks!" We learn that Jenna and Butch each have five; HeiDDi has four; Christy has three; Rob has two; and Matthew has just one. Butch gets doubly screwed by drawing the first shot, becoming the first person to test the board as well as giving up the chance to knock the last puck off the board. His first shot is just okay.

Rob is second, and his puck falls way short, causing Peachy to announce that Rob's "gettin' the feel of the board." The rest of the tribe members chortle.

Christy also throws a far miss, about which Peachy speculates, "Strategy, or just a weak toss?"

Peachy points out Jenna's "big stack of pucks," before she knocks into Christy's puck in the process of slamming hers across the board. HeiDDi also hurtles hers.

Matthew has only one chance, and comes very close to the "X," but it's not for very long, as Butch is and knocks him out.

commences a series of decent shots, followed by a series of better shots knocking them out, as well as horrible shots accidentally landing in good places. Soon, Matthew and Rob are out of pucks and presumably out of the game, while Christy keeps unsuccessfully experimenting with angled shots. Rob's suddenly back in it as HeiDDi knocks his puck closest to the "X"; he's protected by HeiDDi's puck, as well.

Butch confidently announces his plan to hit Jenna's puck out of the way and bounce back onto the "X," which is exactly what he does. Clearly, because he believes in himself.

Christy uses her last puck to knock Rob almost directly onto the "X," and then HeiDDi throws her last puck, leaving only Butch and Jenna still in the game.

Butch knocks HeiDDi right onto immunity, and Peachy announces that Jenna has one left, and will have to decide whether she wants to use it offensively or defensively. Jenna snits, "I have my own plan. Secret!" while Rob raises an eyebrow. Jenna knocks out both HeiDDi and Rob, landing directly on the "X." The others grudgingly clap, including a particularly disgruntled-looking HeiDDi.

It's now Day 33 at Jacke, and Rob stalks through the jungle, telling us that his stomach is in knots and he needs "a bottle of Maalox, a fifth of vodka...I need a pack of cigarettes -- make that a carton of cigarettes." Because he doesn't know what he's going to do! The strange new boing! boing! noises accompany him in the background.

Christy comfortably reclines in the shelter. By "comfortably," I mean "spread eagle and with hairy armpits on full display." Rob questions whether Christy still intends to vote for HeiDDi, and Christy responds, "I guess so." Rob disbelievingly asks, "You guess so?" She smugly responds that it's a question of whom she can get furthest with in order to be "the sole Survivor." Rob requests that she take a walk with him, and she agrees, during which she explains that she's not yet decided to vote with the girls, and that she'll only make her decision when the pen is in her hand. She also wants to see how Tribal Council goes, before enthusing that it's a matter of pride over how far she can go in the game. Christy's just a little too smug in this segment for my tastes. And apparently for Rob's tastes, too, as we find out momentarily. Christy claims that it's a hard thing for her to do, but she's enjoying it a little too much. In a close-up interview, Rob tells us that the threat of HeiDDi "defecting" weighs heavily on him, and that he's started considering "an alternative scenario."

We follow Rob over to HeiDDi as he proposes that they "make things really easy on everybody" and vote Christy out. HeiDDi questions, "You're willing to do that?" and an exasperated Rob responds that Christy's still up in the air. He worries that the women won't believe his vow to get rid of her, and HeiDDi responds that they'll just have to trust him. He responds that he'd be trusting her too, because if the women align themselves with Christy, his game is over. They bop fists in agreement. Rob hangs on a tree and calls it "crazy stuff" that he's back in Jenna's and HeiDDi's "good graces." He explains that they promised not to screw each other: "Let's see what happens." Meanwhile, we see Jenna stand up and ominously brush off her ass.

The members of Jacke hike and boat to Tribal Council, where Peachy stands at attention. He brings in the jury members, and Alex's mustache is significantly enhanced since the last time we saw him. And it's sprouted handlebars. He looks an awful lot like a Backstreet Boy. The greasy, blue-eyed one. Incidentally, the "greasy" in that sentence should be read with its proper pronunciation: "Greez-ee."

Peachy congratulates the S6 on lasting thirty-three days, which he deems "not bad." He asks if anyone is willing to fess up to surprise at making it so far, and they all raise their hands. Butch does too, but clearly only because he has to.

Peachy asks why Jenna doubted herself, and she responds, "Sometimes people just don't like you." She's judged all the time by "outside looks," and women don't take to her very well because she's so beautiful. They think of her as a "stupid model," and she can't help that. She claims that HeiDDi has had to work just as hard. These two should be counting their blessing their not judged on what's inside.

Peachy then turns the same question toward Rob, who responds, "Well, I was lucky in this game that I'm not handsome...so I didn't have, um, handicaps like, uh, the girls found." Hee. Jenna and HeiDDi try to figure out if Rob's mocking them.

Peachy somehow draws from these responses the conclusion that there are two philosophies emerging in the game: play to win, or play to get as far as you can get. He asks whether Rob has considered both approaches, to which Rob emphatically responds, "No, Jeff." He insists that anything short of being the ultimate winner will be a letdown for him; it's all or nothing.

Jenna also came to win, but she won't do certain things to get they money. She won't stab friends in the back unless they stab her in the back first. She will, however, take all her clothes off for some peanut butter.

Christy doesn't know if there's a line she won't cross to win, but she's just realized that she has the potential to win a million dollars. She plans to try to "go all the way," and smugly adds, "And I think, honestly, right now, I think I am in the driver's seat. I make the final decisions." Even Peachy is shocked by Christy's sudden arrogance and asks, "Really?" Rob grins while Alex and Deena exchange curious looks on the jury.

Peachy turns back to Jenna, who shockingly announces that she's handing the immunity necklace to HeiDDi with the explanation, "Strategy. That's all I can say." Butch looks perplexed, while Rob is all head-snappy. HeiDDi can't get it around her neck fast enough as Peachy proclaims that everyone else's head -- including Jenna's -- is now on the chopping block for the night's vote.

As they head off to vote, HeiDDi can barely walk while bearing the weight of the lettuce-laden necklace. We don't see her vote, though.

Christy votes for Jenna: "Your wish has come true. You're going home. You're getting a shower. You're eating your food. Go look beautiful. Be happy. We don't need you." Hee.

Butch also votes for Jenna, claiming that it's nothing personal but that "the alliance is very strong" and that he's staying with it. It's all very Star Wars.

And that's all we see.

Peachy returns to announce the votes, and the first two are for Jenna, followed by three for Christy. Both women look nervous as Peachy reveals that the final vote is for Christy, the now teary-eyed eleventh member voted out of the Amazon. Christy's torch is extinguished, and she heads out without a backwards glance.

Rob is snickery as the jury looks perplexed. Peachy points out that Christy "obviously" came into Tribal Council feeling like she was in the power position, but that the others made sure she knew that wasn't the case. He compares it to Alex's ejection, claiming that there are now at least two members of the jury who feel betrayed by Rob. Peachy preaches that it's one thing to make the Final Two, but that it's another thing entirely to get the votes needed to win the million. I have never understood this argument; someone is winning the million no matter what. It's not like the jury actually gets to decide whether or not to award the million, which might be an interesting twist in coming seasons. ["I think his point is that you can get to the final two by screwing over everyone who ends up on the jury, but that it may end up biting you in the ass when your scheming gets your opponent the votes by default. At this point, if Rob were up against any of the other four people left in the final two, he would probably not have 'the votes needed to win the million' because they all hate his guts, and hate him more than anyone else; that's Jeff's point, I think." -- Wing Chun]

time on Survivor, skinny Butch does a dance, primarily with his knees and elbows. HeiDDi makes buckteeth. There's a fire at Jacke, and someone is to blame! Will the women turn on each other? Perhaps. Will HeiDDi and Jenna cover their mouths? Most certainly.

As the credits roll, Christy yelps that she's pissed off and didn't deserve to be voted off. But I'll contend that -- nice a person as she may be -- she got exactly what she deserved by not committing to a side. She laments ever having trusted any of the others, but leaves knowing she's a role model. She vows to make sure "those freakin' evil stepsisters of mine" don't win the money. And while she isn't quite a Drusilla or Anastasia, I'm not entirely convinced she's Cinderella, either.