Previously on Dances With Malaria: Matthew was the Bermuda Triangle of Tambaqui friends, because everyone he aligned himself with took a long walk off a short plank and got snuffed. Prejudice-heavy Roger tangled with top-heavy Daniel over chores in general and water-fetching specifically. It occurred to Jaburu that utter failure to get off their fannies and work would, in the jungle, eventually lead to starvation and an infestation of little bugs of various kinds, just like Mom always said. Therefore, they all got together for a rousing chorus of Veni, vidi, Viva: "I came, I saw, I really wished I had a roll of paper towels to clean this dump." Deena became leader of the pack, even though the cute girls were always putting her down ("Down! Down!") and saying she came from the wrong side of town ("Whatcha mean when you say that she came from the wrong side of town?"). Heidi, Jenna, and Shawna got bubbly and absolutely could not get over how freaking adorable they were. Could! Not! Get over it! Ultimately, when the women grabbed immunity in a machete-heavy cage match, the men voted off the hapless Daniel, who left after clumsily revealing that he had been allied with Matthew. SNUFF! Matthew glared. But then Daniel went off and got malaria, so he got his. Oh, and my email server thanks you for taking my word for it when I say: Yes, I know. It's manioc. Not mantioc. I am fully informed.
Who will be voted out...tonight?
I have to say that aside from the hysterically serious music, my favorite part of the credits is the two pig-like beasts they show right after the shot of Roger. Heh.
Morning comes to Camp Jaburu. Everyone is snoozing except Joanna, who is up and dressed and ready to unsheathe her machete and start her day. She starts sharpening it, which makes a scraping racket that echoes through camp. I have a feeling the feverish danger associated with weapon-sharpening is crucial to Joanna's ability to start the day on a positive note. Hey, mine too. I'm telling you, the grapefruits are just for practice. I am not to be trifled with. In other news, it appears that Jenna is sleeping with her glasses on, in case you needed any more evidence to convince you that she's a moron. Not that you should. "Oh, Lordy," Joanna says as she sharpens. "Lordy [scrape], Lordy [scrape], Lordy [scrape]. What a day in the Amazon." Jeanne, the to get up, works on pulling her hair back into a scrunchie. Wow, I'm totally thinking my punk band should be called Scrunchies in the Jungle. But we'll be all tricky and wear barrettes, because the young people love irony. Jeanne reminds us that this is Day 10, and they had all decided to get up early and work on the shelter. Wow, is the shelter not done yet? I think they're going to finish it on the day they leave. It's going to be like that movie with Kevin Kline and Anakin Skywalker where...well, never mind. It will take you fully the first eight minutes of the movie to figure out where it's going, so I don't want to ruin it for you. Anyway, we see Jeanne gathering some sticks and stuff as she explains that everyone should be feeling enthusiastic about working, because they have a lot to do. Please. I don't think Heidi and Jenna could be rendered enthusiastic about working if working were all that was standing between them and death by mysterious jungle diseases. Oh, wait -- it is! And -- they're not! Get how ahead of the game I am! I am so money.
Jeanne and Joanna discuss the goals for the day, and Joanna complains that whoever was supposed to be watching the fire before her apparently slacked off on the job (she calls them "some trifling folk"), because when she woke up, there was no firewood and the fire was out. Jeanne says she'll just go get a bunch more wood. Joanna's not crazy about that solution, because Jeanne already fetched wood yesterday, but Jeanne says she doesn't care. I notice that Jeanne and Joanna are both wearing silver hoop earrings, and I have to think that if I had as many things to worry about as they do, I wouldn't want to worry about earrings. Especially hoop earrings. Talk about an invitation to injury. Slowly, the other women of the tribe begin to wake up, in part because of the noise Jeanne and Joanna are making with all their annoying...you know, work. Shawna complains in a voice-over that she wakes up every day to see Jeanne and Joanna shooting her dirty looks for not working enough. It doesn't seem to occur to her that this might legitimately have anything to do with all the ass-sitting. She describes it instead as "a total martyr thing," and says it's driving everyone crazy. I assume she and the other non-martyrs aren't sitting by the fire, then, or taking advantage of the other work that the martyrs are doing, because if you're going to be resentful other people's attempts not to die of exposure with their feet in the air like a dead bird in a cartoon, the least you can do is not then sponge off them. We see Joanna straightforwardly ask the rest of the tribe not to scatter nutshells around where they sleep. I think the idea is that this practice attracts bugs where you might hope no bugs would be. Someone halfheartedly apologizes, because Joanna is such a killjoy. She's very inflexible with all the not wanting tarantulas crawling in her mouth while she's sleeping.
Heidi begins the sucking that will be her pattern throughout this episode by voicing over that what matters is what gets you ahead in the game, not what gets you ahead in life. She says that working to obtain food and shelter may be good for real life, but she's only worried about the game. Her lazy mooching ass is all about strategy, you see. She certainly did luck out that her strategy seems so ideally suited to her character. She also refers to the work that's being done by Jeanne and Joanna as "extra work." You know, I think Heidi needs to get out her Hello Kitty dictionary, risk cracking the heretofore-unbroken binding, and look up the word "extra." It occurs to me that it takes work to live in the jungle, not that Heidi's six functioning brain cells would make her aware of this fact. Making a fire so that you can boil water so you don't die is not "extra work," Count My Ribs Barbie. It's just work. In another blow for the sovereignty of the free rider, Heidi asserts her right to "maybe take a nap today." Well, I certainly don't want her to strain herself. Or, you know, reduce the time she has available for lying around on her ass. She ends this interview with a little what-can-I-tell-you gesture with her hands that is so repulsive that it hurts to look at it. She is so odious that it's hard for me to find the words. And I know a lot of words, too. Insulting words in particular.
Over at Tambaqui, an otter has breakfast on the riverbank while some of the guys take a fishing expedition. Dave says that his "belly's starting to rumble." Also on the expedition are Matthew -- who points out that these are "very evasive fish" (heh) -- and Butch. Butch is sitting quietly, because that's actually the best way to catch fish. Banter, however witty, is not, in fact, very good bait. I mean, unless you're trying to catch me. Anyway, in an interview, Dave says that they've got to improve their fishing record, because they're not getting enough to eat. The teeny fish they've been catching, he explains, are not getting it done as sustenance. In the boat, Dave recites the following ditty: "There once were three guys in a boat/ Left early with spirits afloat/ Looking for bass/ They sat on their ass/ Luck as good as Rob's jokes." Okay, despite the fact that he assigned three guys a collective ass and the fact that "jokes" can only be charitably termed a flawed rhyme for "boat" and "float," I've actually heard worse attempts to entertain the troops. You're all right, Dave. At least it's not singing or reciting scripture. Also, Dave is scruffy. Scruffy is good, in this context.
Back at camp, Dave tells the group that they didn't catch any fish on the outing for fear of becoming trendsetters. Hee. In an interview, Butch explains that the guys decided that in order to change their fishing fortunes, they'd have to go out and hunt for some worms they could use for bait. My favorite part of this "worm safari" (as they call it) is that they all use their machetes. They're looking for earthworms, mind you, not the Loch Ness Monster. You never know, though -- worms are stubborn things. As Matt looks for bait near camp, he explains that the other guys have gone off on a longer worm-hunting expedition, but he doesn't really think that's necessary. What he does think is that the rest of the guys are excluding him a little bit because of his early friendships with Ryan and Daniel, both of whom are now gone. He shrugs this off. "My ego can take it," he says dryly. Heh. He's aware that he's going to have to make an effort to get back in with the rest of the guys in the tribe. "Very often, I am not included, and I know it's on purpose," he says. Okay, that sounded a little...you know, seventh-grade-girly, if you see my point. He thinks that if the tribe had to vote tonight, he would probably be sent home, but he's going to make an effort to get back in the game. Elsewhere, the other guys find some worms, and Dave and Alex even turn up a baby scorpion, which they get a little overexcited about, it seems to me. Tambaqui goes home pleased to have accomplished what they set out to do.
Oh, and Rob calls a worm "feisty." Shut up, Rob.
Chipper music returns us to Jaburu, where Joanna has brought home a non-tiny fish to go with several non-tiny fish that they already have. Heidi takes this opportunity to explain that the reason the "work ethic in [the] camp is definitely creating friction" is that there are these big women like Jeanne and Joanna and Deena -- none of whom is remotely even on the heavy side of average, mind you -- who have all this fat to live off, and then you have these delicate flowers like Jenna, Heidi, and Shawna, who have only their bones and their skin. So of course, the delicate flowers can't be expected to do as much work as the big huge fat whale elephant cow women. You would think I was making this up, wouldn't you? I'm barely exaggerating. Heidi contrasts the women who do the "manual work" (also known as "work") with the "smaller girls" who she calls the "stay-at-home women." You'll notice that she doesn't say "stay-at-home moms," which makes a fair amount of sense given that there are about eight reasons she's not looking so maternal to me at this point.
Now we see a conversation in which Joanna comes upon Jenna and some of the other babes chatting. Jenna tells Joanna that the conversation concerns how they get by in this unfamiliar situation instead of their "comfort zone." Joanna responds that her mother always said that this, too, shall pass, and that anything worth doing is going to be difficult. And then she quotes some scripture which basically says -- roughly translated -- as follows: "And God said, 'Looks aren't everything, peach pit.'" "Beauty will fade in time," Joanna goes on, slapping herself with her buff to repel bugs. And Satan. Joanna finishes: "Only your virtue and your character is what's going to last." A gobsmacked Heidi snots in an interview, "I'm really not sure how that quote fit in with anything." Ha! She wouldn't, of course. "Except maybe that she was just trying to pick on the fact that we were cute girls." It's a shame, because Heidi would be so absurdly funny if she weren't so sincere in her eye-rolling indignation, which just makes her...almost too pitiable to really hate. She's got about two good years before the implants sag, and after that, the woman simply isn't going to have anything to say, and she's going to be completely irrelevant.
In an interview of her own, Jenna smirks, "Don't be mad because we have good bodies. It's not our fault. Get over it." And then she snort-laughs at herself. Wow, like she needed a self-snort-laugh to make her more vile. She then voices over, "Me and Heidi are definitely the skinnier of the group, and better-looking, but I think it's definitely a liability. I think that's what we were both worried about." Oh, oy. She goes on to say that the risk that she will be voted off comes from the fact that the other women will be "pissed that [she and Heidi] have good bodies." Jesus. You know, these two women represent what is generally on my least of top three least favorite qualities in other human beings, which is the ability to name a single explanation that negates every criticism to which you might ever be subjected -- in this case, it's the "I am cute; people are jealous" explanation. And you can see how it happens, too -- they take this attitude and therefore act like complete bitches, just like Jenna and Heidi are now. At that point, people do indeed respond badly to them, which they assume is because they're jealous. And as it was explained on Sports Night back in the day, "That's what makes it vicious. And a circle." Let me just fill you in on a little secret, Jenna: there are women whose looks I covet, certainly, but they are never, ever women who look like a stiff wind would blow them over. Have you seen Joanna, with the big guns for arms? Now Joanna, I would like to look like. Joanna could look like a zillion bucks in a party dress, and she could also beat up vampires in an alley, if that were called for. Jenna, however, cluelessly goes on blathering in her interview about how it's so hard to be hot, because other women resent you, and so forth and so on. Not that we've seen even one tiny hint of this from any of the other women. But she's sure it's there. It's lurking. It's the Lurking Jealousy of Cows. Beware!
The Axis of Skeevil goes off on what is allegedly a fishing trip, but is obviously just an opportunity to admire themselves and discuss how mean all the other women are. And no one should pick on them in their weakened state. I mean, they're not saying they're weakened, but honestly, it's a week and a half in, and they look like they've spent the last four months in the hospital recovering from tuberculosis. In a voice-over, Heidi refers to herself as "a cute little girl," and talks about how "it's very easy to get ganged up on." God, who refers to herself as "cute" this much? And again, she refers to all the other women as "the bigger girls." And again, words fail me. Shawna expresses in the boat that she feels a little bit bad about being a big lazy-ass while the other women are working. Heidi responds by saying something about playing the game that doesn't make any sense, because playing the game has nothing to do with being a lazy-ass. Being a lazy-ass is its own curse and its own reward. Shawna interviews that she sensed that the "older women" might take out after her, Heidi, and Jenna -- although she seems to understand that work ethic, and not great beauty, would be the reason. She refers to the Axis, incidentally, as the "meek, or prissy, or whatever" girls, rather than the "cute girls." Of the Axis, Shawna is definitely the least Skeevil, if only for having that precious teaspoon of self-awareness.
Shawna explains that she's been friendly with Deena, so she thought that an alliance between Deena and Skeevil might be the best way to keep everyone safe. We see the Axis approach Deena, who quickly agrees to the alliance. (By the way, you can see in this scene a good shot of Heidi's developing case of what I think of as Starvation Elbow. If you've ever seen it, you know what I'm talking about. It's kind of unsettling.) Deena interviews that she has nothing in common with the Axis, but she thought it would make a good alliance, and she thought she might be better able to boss them around than she would have had she allied with anyone who had brains of their own. Shawna explains that the alliance is set now, so Joanna and Jeanne are doomed. Doomed!
On Day 11 over at Tambaqui, the sun sparkles cheerily on the river. We see a bird swoop down and snag a fish and then fly off -- see, guys? It's not that hard. I would love to see one of the guys do that. Now, we see Dave, Alex, and Matthew fishing together. Alas, there is no swooping. Matthew excitedly tells the others that he's got a big fish on the line. Indeed, he pulls into the boat the first really dinner-sized fish we've seen them catch -- a peacock bass with lovely round markings on the sides. Hey, cool fish. As the fish celebration continues, Matthew voices over that he's reaching out to make connections with other people in the tribe. He thinks that his efforts are beginning to show "fruit," not that there's anything wrong with that. He then returns triumphantly to camp to show off his prize. At the sight of the fish, Butch hugs him -- without even bothering to put down the machete. Butch flunked out of machete safety training, I do believe. Anyway, they're all terribly excited to have acquired an actual fish that appears to be worth cooking, rather than using as part of a diorama about life in the Amazon. Alex interviews that the team is working well now, and building up good momentum.
It's time for the reward challenge, taking place today on a wide swath of beach. Once we have dramatically swooped down the river, everyone arrives and stands on their mats. Peachy shows up to bring the explanation. He tells them that they should all have learned by now to appreciate the value of fire. Today's reward challenge is a fire contest. Basically, they've been given flint and steel, a magnifying glass, and plenty of wood of all kinds. There are four ropes that they have to burn through by putting fires under them. Once you build one fire, you're allowed to try moving it to where the rope is. The reward today? A working refrigerator. Wow, that's a good reward. And what's it stocked with? Why, with tasty product-placed Coca-Cola, of course. Vanilla Coke, Cherry Coke...unfortunately, not Protein-Shake Coke, which is what they actually need. Everyone claps, though, because who doesn't love Coke? I mean, besides dental hygienists. (Killjoys.) ["Hey! Coke? What happened to the Mountain Dew of seasons past? Where did the Pepsico love go?" -- Wing Chun]
The teams prepare, and Jaburu sits out Jenna due to the current imbalance in team size. Then Peachy gives the signal to go. Everyone starts running around picking little starter-size sticks while the music turns tense and jangly in the background. Joanna scrapes the Jaburu flint, and gets the fire to spark ahead of the boys. "Thank you, Lord, you're so good to me," she mutters as she putters around adding sticks. It's very windy (God: "Yoooou're weeeeelcome"), so as Tambaqui continues to work with the flint, Jaburu tries to shield their nascent fire from the wind. Finally, the boys (principally Dave, Matthew, and Roger) get their flame to flicker. The women, however, already have the first rope burning. Before you know it, their rope pops, and Jaburu jumps into the lead. Peachy tells them that they can move as much of the existing fire as they can to the location. The guys continue to tend their fire, and get up close and personal with each other trying to form a wind barrier. Quickly, though, the women's second rope burns through, and they look to be on a roll. Just as they start to move to the third rope, the men finally burn through their first. It appears that what happens here is that the women do a lousy job of moving the fire from the second spot to the third, because this is where it starts to fall apart for them. The women appear to move only a small amount of stuff to the new location, and then they put a big frame of heavy sticks substantially above it. No, no. The guys, on the other hand, are picking up speed, partly due to their enthusiastic embrace of...well, each other. I originally though someone said, "Your hand's on my leg, man," but I think it's actually, "The hairs on my leg, man..." as in "they're getting singed." Either way, hee. Alex says, "Don't worry about it." Once again, either way? Hee. Butch puts his hand on Matthew's knee to help shield his delicate leg hairs. Quickly, the guys get their second rope burned. As they work on their third, Dave starts to appear to be in actual distress. "I'm burnin', I'm burnin'," he says, as he huddles close to the fire to shield it from wind. The other guys gather around and try to block for his legs a little. If you look at the shot as they pull back, you see all these guys in a huddle with their hands all over each other's legs. Sexy! It's like a prison movie with more kerchiefs.
The women continue to have no luck with the third fire. Heidi complains that she's trying to block the wind, but of course she's doing so by just standing there. Besides, considering that she's got less surface area than a Slinky, she's not exactly doing much good. The guys, on the other hand, are blocking the fire by sitting so close to it that Matthew is literally yelping in pain. Man, I'm surprised the doctor didn't pull them back from this, because they look like they're getting hurt. They get their payoff, though, when their third banner falls. They seem to transport their fire almost intact to the fourth rope, so you can quickly see where this is going. "Cheer it on, fellas!" Dave yells, and they all clap and yell. It's rare that you can actually see a team experiencing a turning point, but this is definitely one of those rare times. The rope catches fire and breaks, and indeed, the guys are going home with the fridge. In retrospect, it's hard to tell whether the women just screwed up in their efforts to move the fire from point B to point C, or whether their failure to block the wind doomed them, but either way, they certainly gave that one away. As the women dejectedly walk away from camp, the guys crack open cans of Coke. I certainly think the Cokes would taste good after all that fire. If nothing else, they can use it to douse their flaming legs. (Now would you not book Jungle Scrunchie and the Flaming Legs to play at your wedding or bar mitzvah? Of course you would.)
At Jaburu, post-loss, things are not pretty. Deena interviews that after they lost the reward challenge, some people "went downhill quickly." We seem to be referring to Shawna here, because the time we see her, she's lying on her back on the floor of the shelter, boo-hooing. Shawna: "My body is sucking energy from my left toe." Shawna's left toe: "[Sob.]" Deena calmly explains to Shawna -- and presumably to all of Shawna's various parts -- that she's allowed herself to become dehydrated, so she needs to drink some water and chill out. At times like these, it's a shame Shawna doesn't have spare reservoirs of fluid, like Heidi does. ["I don't think the fluid in Heidi is potable." -- Wing Chun] Having none of Deena's efforts to be encouraging, Shawna continues to preach her own doom. She talks about how after they lost the pop, it was all she could do to just not sit right down on the beach and cry. Shawna is not exactly going in the dictionary under "mental toughness." Heidi, in an interview, is thinking of herself as usual, saying that she can't be that sympathetic to Shawna, because she needs Shawna for strategy. Back at the shelter, Shawna continues to wallow. "I don't see myself lasting for thirty more days," she moans. In an interview, Deena cuts to the chase. "Shut up," she says. "Drink your water like you're supposed to be [doing]; quit acting like this is the worst day of your entire life." Seriously. The worst day of your life will be when you go home and look at yourself acting like this. Not yielding, Shawna continues to go on about how she wants desperately to laugh! Desperately! And nothing's funny! Man, I hear that. She should try watching Married By America. Deena voices over what she does not say to Shawna: "I don't want you to whine anymore. I want you to get up off your butt and don't be a quitter." She goes on to say that it was hard for her to know how to react, because on one hand, she felt like Shawna just needed to get out, but on the other hand, they needed her for the alliance. Shawna whines in the shelter that she would be very tempted to ask to be booted if tribal council were that night. Deena says she's not sure she could oblige such a request.
, we see Jaburu awake in what appears to be the middle of the night. They're getting their treemail, so I assume someone woke them up for this. The mail tells them that it's a fishing competition of some kind, which makes the women happy, because they think they can do well with fishing. Cut to lots of fish in the water, obligingly swimming for the cameras. Both tribes canoe themselves to a bank where Peachy is waiting. Jaburu turns the immunity idol back to Peachy. He explains to them that the at the reward challenge, they were tested on their ability to make fire, so now they're going to be tested on another survival skill: fishing. Each tribe will have an hour to catch all the fish they can. At the end, the fish will be weighed, and whichever tribe has more will win. The only catch is that the fish predominantly available in the places they'll be set down will be piranhas. Which bite, in case you haven't heard. They're all with the big nasty pointy teeth. Teams are being given bait, a knife, poles, and so forth. My friend Snowmobile Boy is the only person I know who fishes regularly, and I think he would tell you they shouldn't be expected to do this task without beer, but then, he doesn't have to stay alert, because he doesn't fish for piranhas. The teams do not look happy about confronting Killer Fishies of Death. At any rate, the winning team will not only win immunity, but will get to keep all the fish they catch. I have to assume that means that the losing team has to give back their fish, which will be no fun at all.
The teams are sent to their respective fishing spots, and Peachy gives the go-ahead. Poles in the water. I will admit that the "plunk" of lines into the water is not up there with people dashing out of the starting blocks in terms of sheer excitement. Fishing ensues. The biggest difference I see between the way the teams are operating is that it intermittently appears that the women are more squeamish about touching the fish and the bait. Well, and of course, some of the women are just generally incapable of doing anything intelligent, because it's against their religion. Heidi, for instance, is asked what she's doing to try to catch a fish, and she says that she's cutting up little piranhas to try to catch a big one. Now wait, didn't Peachy say she had bait? Why would she give up the weight of little piranhas instead of using the bait they have? I'm confused. Hey, maybe that's how she caught her current boyfriend -- by cutting up her old ones and sacrificing them.
Dave now explains the Zen of Fishing, as he and Roger have discovered it. They're working in tandem, and generally they've adopted a strategy in which Roger catches a fish, and then Dave takes that pole and hands Roger a fresh one while Dave unhooks the fish. By the time Dave has the fish unhooked, Roger has another one. Interesting technique, that, but really, the point of this sequence is that Dave is really sexy in it. Yes, while explaining fishing. Yes, in a segment involving Roger. I don't know. The other major development in this section of the show is that Peachy asks the guys whether they think there's any chance that the women are outfishing them, and the guys all say it's entirely possible, and they take nothing for granted. That's how you know that the guys are playing the game well right now -- they're adjusting to what they already determined to be their weakness, which was overconfidence. I do have to give the guys a lot of credit for how they're doing this week. They've done a great job of forming a workable team strategy, to the point where there really aren't any obvious outcasts or misfits anymore, and they've gotten over the crippling cockiness that was both making them lose and making them really unappealing.
As the end of the hour approaches, Peachy tries to make it look like Jaburu has caught up near the end, but it's pretty clear that the guys have been doing better with the fishing than the women have. At least it looks that way to me. When they've finished and returned to the dock, Peachy sets up the big weigh-in with all the suspense he can muster. The women dump their fish onto the scale, and then the men dump theirs, and then Peachy lets the scale go so we can see which side weighs more. Aaaaaaaand...it's the guys. By a lot. So it's back to camp for the struggling Jaburu, and it will be time to figure out whether to vote off someone who's functioning, or to vote off the woman who's so weak she can barely stand up. The guys are smiling, but the women are not smiling, as we head into the commercial break.
A couple of toucans bicker as we sweep back into Camp Jaburu. (Toucan #1: "Oh yeah?" Toucan #2: "Yeah!") As Shawna walks across the camp, she gets a sudden blinding dizzy spell and drops to the ground abruptly. Showing that the milk of human kindness is as absent from her as everything else that's useful, Jenna barely even notices Shawna taking a dive. ["Neither would I; that faint was fake, or at least really exaggerated to make herself look extra-feeble." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Shawna says she feels relieved to know that she might be voted off. She knows it doesn't sound good, but those are her feelings. We see her in the shelter, lying on her back while Jeanne tends her with a damp cloth. Where are her Skeevil friends now, I wonder? Jeanne voices over that she'll be voting to send Shawna home, just because she's gotten so weak. "She really needs to get her health back," Jeanne says sympathetically. Shawna interviews that she knows Jeanne and Joanna are voting for her, and possibly Christy, and she hasn't decided whom she's voting for. She feels like she's been "bumped from the alliance," so she's not really checking with them about what they're doing anymore.
Deena and Jenna talk, and Deena says that while she feels compassion for Shawna, she also wishes she wouldn't be "a whiny baby." All right, I am getting the impression that Shawna is physically lagging pretty significantly, so at this point, the judgmental snotting is getting just as irritating as the whining. ["I agree that she's weak, but I also think she's acting even weaker to ensure that she'll be booted, because she's a quitter." -- Wing Chun] Jenna talks about how Shawna's downfall could hurt the alliance, and Deena declares that she doesn't want to get screwed just to help somebody else. Wait, even somebody else who's sick? That seems kind of...wrong. I mean, if they don't really think she's unhealthy or needs any help, that's one thing, but if they're saying they wouldn't care if she was sick or needed medical attention, then I don't think I like that. I like Deena even less after she interviews that her attitude is that it's too bad for Shawna, because she's not in charge: "It's about the core alliance." Even if she's sick? See, I object to that. I used to like Deena, but I think I'm done with her. Deena goes on to say that she needs to get rid of Joanna, because she's too strong a player. Again, I think Deena is way off-base. Joanna is not a threat to win. She's not a skillful manipulator, and she's not well-liked, and the guys will hate her even more than the women do if she lives to see a merge. I think voting her off at this point is utterly unnecessary. I think the "strong players" it makes sense to vote off early are the people who are strong as in "likely to get people to vote for them." Remember Hatch and his cronies voting off Gretchen? Yeah, that was smart. Because she was really well-liked and a leader, and was a threat to win, and it was after the merge, when they didn't need her for team challenges anymore. Joanna is physically strong, but nobody likes her, so I don't think this is good thinking by Deena at all, particularly this early.
Christy comes upon a conversation among Deena, Heidi, and Jenna about voting off Shawna. Christy seems initially inclined to vote Shawna off if that's what Shawna wants, but Jenna voices over that it's important for the Axis of Skeevil to get Christy to go along with them in case Shawna does bail out and fall apart. Deena tells Christy that they're not voting off Shawna, they're voting off Joanna. Heidi tells Christy that by going along, she's "securing [her] position as well." I think Heidi gets all her strategy talk from a book that has pictures in it. Or possibly from the Get Tough! issue of YM. Seriously, why would Christy believe that she was "securing her position" by going along with them? What's she going to do, join an alliance that contains everyone who's going to be left except Jeanne? What good does that do her once Jeanne is gone? In an interview, Christy talks about the conflict she feels over the fact that Joanna is annoying, but does a ton of work around the camp and catches a lot of fish for them to eat. Christy is also clearly not completely comfortable with the fact that Shawna is being trapped in the game when she clearly wants to go home. ["Which is fair enough, but I doubt there is anything in the rules that prohibit people from leaving voluntarily. Shawna, I'm sure, could just show up at tribal council and announce that she was done, if she wanted, but she's too wimpy to just admit that and move on with her life, so I think she's making a big show of wilting all over camp to try to have that decision taken out of her hands." -- Wing Chun]
We see Shawna packing her things as the team gets ready to leave for tribal council. This is probably the only luggage-packing scene in the history of reality television not to use "Closing Time," "Good Riddance," or "I Will Remember You" as background music. They arrive in the traditional menacing darkness and take their places around the fire. Peachy asks about the fact that after going strong for a while, they abruptly dropped two challenges in a row. He wants a reaction from Heidi. Man, Heidi looks rough. It's getting to the point where I can barely bother hating her for going on and on about how cute she is, because it's getting to be very funny to watch her talk about her own cuteness while looking so...well, wrecked. Her hair looks horrendous, her skin looks worse, and I'm sorry, but the girl just does not have a pretty face. Christy and Shawna are substantially better-looking, as is Jenna, though less so. I actually think, now that I look at them, that Heidi is -- from the neck up -- the least attractive woman in the tribe. That kind of makes me laugh. "Cute girls" indeed. Whee!
Heidi tells the riveting (yawn) story of how they made Deena the leader. Peachy asks Jeanne whether there's "an even distribution of work" in the wake of their selecting a good leader. Jeanne hesitates and says that there is, but obviously, she doesn't mean it. She sort of goes along with Heidi's hunters-versus-homemakers theory of everyone's contribution, saying that some of the women go out and get food, and then other ones prepare it after they get back. Peachy then asks Joanna about the fact that although she's a mother at home, she's not a mother in the tribe. Joanna basically says that she's not a very easy person to like, so she lets the other women be more mother-like, and she just does the work. Rather hilariously, Joanna says, "I do a lot of singing, and saying quotes." Wow. It's never a good idea when you actually describe one of your contributions as the saying of quotes. Peachy asks Deena whether, when she gets up in the morning, she assesses the tribe to see how things are going. She confirms that she does. He asks her who's doing well and who's flagging. She says that Christy has been doing very well, and Shawna is weak-kneed. Asked whether she's concerned about Shawna's physical health, Deena makes the rather obvious point that they need to continue to win challenges, so they need people who have the physical strength to help that happen.
Voting time. Heidi votes for Joanna, and says with a phony-ass smile that she's just doing it because Joanna is so strong as a competitor. She does just barely restrain herself from saying, "Also, I am so much cuter than you are." Shawna votes. Jeanne votes for Shawna. "Shawna, you're a great kid. You need some TLC, get yourself back into good health. I'll miss you." I kind of like Jeanne. I think she's the least annoying of the women, at least in this episode. Jenna votes (in her "RUSH ZETAS" shirt, bleh). Joanna votes for Shawna. "Only because you asked me to," she says earnestly. Christy votes. Deena votes for Joanna. "You're an incredibly strong woman," she says. She goes on to blah blah about getting rid of strong opposition.
Peachy reads the votes. One for Joanna, one for Shawna. Two for Joanna. Two for Shawna. Three for Joanna. Four for Joanna, and that's the ball game. No showing the last vote. Joanna brings her torch to Peachy, who snuffs it. The tribe has spoken. SNUFF! Joanna leaves. Jeanne shakes her head in disbelief. Peachy tells them that although the tribe seems to have it together, the vote shows some signs of trouble. He tells them to go back to camp and think about how bad they were. And no dessert.
week: Dave and Jenna go on a date. Oh, Dave.
Under the credits, we see Joanna explain that she was too strong, so they voted her out. As the votes are shown, it turns out that the Axis of Skeevil minus Shawna but plus Christy all voted for Joanna. Jeanne and Joanna voted for Shawna. And Shawna? Voted for Christy. I think that was an effort to throw her vote in a way she knew wouldn't matter, so I think she really did want to go home and was hoping that by breaking from the Axis, she might win the vote. Joanna starts singing during her goodbye speech. It's so you won't miss her so much. Worked on me.