Girl Power

Previously on Bly v. Faludi: the women of Jaburu went six days without putting a roof over their heads, because they were busy boiling their underwear. The men of Tambaqui went six days without the firing of a single synapse for any remotely interesting purpose, because they were busy thinking about the underwear of the women of Jaburu. Of course, they didn't know it was boiling, or they might have found it kind of scary. ("The hot underpants will get me!") Christy clashed with her slack-ass tribe over their failure to get any work done, and Joanna was a holy terror. Roger was your grandfather -- no, not the one you like. The other one. Daniel was ten pounds of stupid in a five-pound bag. And the bag was leaking, spewing stupid everywhere. When the chicks lost immunity, they gave Janet the opening boot over unsubstantiated allegations of food smuggling and the far more serious sin of failing to be under the age of twenty-five. Still, after a total of three challenges, Jaburu had a 2-1 lead, which came as quite a surprise to the boys, who apparently expected that every challenge would revolve around peeing for distance.

Peachy: "Who will be voted out...tonight?" Man, Peachy certainly is borrowing heavily from other, far superior reality hosts I know. he'll be wearing the spiky hair and picking up the accent. Don't attempt the eyebrow-pop, Peachy. You're out of your depth. You could tear something.

Credits. You know, it occurs to me that the theme for this show sounds exactly the way the yodeling music from the Mountain Climber game on The Price Is Right would sound if you played it at half-speed. "Ohhhh-dee-ohhhhh-dee...."

And now, lightning crackles over the dusky Amazon as our intrepid cameramen grab a few scenic shots, or possibly our intrepid editors splice in some footage of a water hazard at an extravagant Beverly Hills golf course. Rain plunks on the river's surface in a picturesque manner. "Plunk, plunk, plunk," it whispers seductively. An initially unidentified hand dramatically carves a hash mark for the seventh day into the trunk of a tree at the Tambaqui camp. I'm betting there's a tree somewhere else where they mark off how tall they are. The hand turns out to belong to Rob, who explains that God rested on the seventh day, but they're not resting, because they're not God. Very good, Rain (Forest) Man. He returns to camp to continue working with the rest of the tender and callow fellows on rebuilding the roof of their shelter, which took a beating in last night's rainstorm. They add some fronds to perk it up, and then Alex ties a knot around one of the roof beams in what he surely hopes is an aggressively studly manner. Rob interviews that he "can't imagine that the girls have a shelter that is comparable" to the one at Camp Tambaqui. He allows as how it might be more comfortable, but it's undoubtedly not as sturdy. Apparently, Rob suspects that the girls have sewn lace curtains and installed wall-to-wall pink carpeting in their shelter, sort of like the Brady Bunch episode with the separate clubhouses in the back yard. He says the guys wanted to build "something big to look at," because they're "the men" and "that's what [they] do." Hey, I'm starting to understand why Heidi got those implants.

A very grungy Roger approaches a very grungy Daniel and asks him if he'd go and get some water. Here's how he asks: "Daniel...can you get some water?" Daniel says yes, but doesn't budge. "Can you handle it by yourself, or not?" Roger asks him. Daniel stares aimlessly into the fire, trying to remember what water is and whether it's heavy. Finally, he agrees to go, but hints that Roger should go with him. Annoyed, Roger says he'll just go and do it himself, because it really doesn't take two guys to fill a container with water, and he walks off. I think what Daniel failed to do here was realize that although normally such a minor bit of slacking might not be a big deal, he had already gotten a bit of a reputation for laziness and had played a big part in losing the first challenge, so he should have been in a redemption mode at this point. Ah, well. A sloth watches Roger get water. No, no, a sloth other than me. Roger interviews that this experience with Daniel "got [him] hot," which I don't even want to think about. He says he was "tempted to swat the kid around."

Daniel complains in an interview that he doesn't like Roger because Roger "barks orders." In fairness to Roger, in the particular situation relating to the water, there was no barking of orders at all. There was a request to do something, given at a time when Daniel was standing around doing nothing. If you can't stand to have anyone ask you to please do something, then you're quite honestly way too sensitive for this show. Daniel says that he and Roger both want to vote each other off, so it is on! Oh, also Daniel claims that Roger smells bad. Like "spoiled vinegar." Undoubtedly, Daniel smells like Obsession for Men. Well, a mix of Obsession for Men and, of course, failure. Back in camp, Roger gives Alex some big talk about how he almost "gave [Daniel] a kung fu chop." I have no idea whether he specifically chose that remark because Daniel is Asian...obviously, if he did, he's an even bigger prick, but it's hard to tell. He's threatened a couple of other acts of violence, of course, so he might be just shopping from a long list. Dave laughs, so I don't think he thinks that's why Roger said it. But I have no idea. Roger says he's "relaxing" so that he doesn't get into a fight with Daniel.

Elsewhere, Matthew -- who really hasn't done anything of note up to this point -- is giving Daniel a pep talk. Yeah, way to pick your ally, there, Matt. Among other things, it's the most generic pep talk in history. It's all about how people are "jockeying for position" and how there's still "momentum" and Daniel shouldn't worry, but should just play it by ear. I have a feeling Matthew found this speech on a version of Who Moved My Cheese? that's abridged to fit on a sticker for the sun visor on your car. up, they start speaking Chinese. No, really. Matthew was born in Hong Kong and speaks Mandarin Cantonese, as does Daniel, so they talk, and of course this creates an instant bond between them. The bond isn't harmed by the fact that Matthew throws in a few English words like "position" and "firm." Given the prominence of those two particular words, it's surprising to note that the talk is strictly G-rated. Okay, the text is G-rated. As for the subtext, you'll have to leave that to be deconstructed at a symposium conducted by the faculty of the University of HoYay!, of which I am not a member. Daniel talks about how much he digs Matthew.

And now, birds of death loom over the proceedings. Well, they might just be birds of flapping and fish-eating, but that isn't nearly so filled with portent. And I prefer to maximize the portent.

Over at Jaburu, the place is a mess. There are so many insects buzzing around that it looks like what always happens right after my Sims have lunch. It's not easy to make this much of a mess when you have practically no stuff to speak of, so the tribe is to be congratulated for its ingenuity, I guess. Jeanne notes in an interview -- somewhat redundantly in the face of the bugs and rotting food -- that hygiene-wise, they're definitely not cutting it right now. Among other things, failure to thoroughly clean out last night's dinner pot has led to a nasty infestation of wasps this morning. Shawna claims to be allergic to bees and tries to trap them in the pot with the lid, but because the lid doesn't close tight, the wasps immediately swarm out. Since Shawna doesn't get stung, puff up like a balloon, and die of anaphylactic shock, that's kind of funny. Elsewhere in the world of many-legged critters, Deena finishes off an invading tarantula. Jenna wonders aloud why the insects are so interested in their food. I'm sorry, is she serious? Why do they want food? They want food so they can live, you moron. Hasn't she ever been to a picnic? Worst of all (it seems to me), they've somehow let the mantioc flour grow mold, so they have to throw a bunch of it away. It makes me wonder if somebody didn't close the barrel and it got rained on at some point, because I don't think dry flour would grow that much mold in this period of time.

A sequence follows in which the point is driven home that the women are basically not functioning as a unit. They're not focused on the important parts of what they need to do, they have no sense of what their priorities are, and most importantly, they lack leadership. Jeanne throws together a team meeting, after waking Shawna up from her nap. You know, considering what I remember about feminist process from my college days in the Women's Collective (which I lived in involuntarily due to a campus space crunch, mind you), this meeting could take a while if Jeanne attended a liberal arts college. Jeanne, however, is fortunately not using feminist process, but instead something more akin to Robert's Rules of Order, because she starts by literally calling the meeting to order. No, she actually says, "The meeting is called to order." She needs a snooty accent and a robe, and then she can be just like that lady who used to open the sessions of the British Parliament, going, "Ooooorder!" I loved that lady. Actually, it would be great if they ran this entire meeting like Parliament, and Jeanne said, "I would respectfully ask my right honorable friend, the gentlelady Heidi, if she perhaps would like to get off her lovely hind quarters and help us with the business of the day before I stuff mantioc patties up her nose." At any rate, Jeanne points out that they need a leader, and she nominates Deena. She actually says she "initiates" Deena, but unless she intends to make Deena drink forty shots of tequila and then run naked through the quad, the word she wants is "nominate." In an interview, she explains that she and Joanna talked about making Deena the leader, because being the leader tends to make you a target. While that's true, I also think that a good leader can make other people who aren't particularly crafty and aggressive become sort of complacent, as Richard Hatch did lo those many seasons ago. He kind of convinced those people that there wasn't any getting by without him, and I would believe these women could fall under the same spell.

Anyway, Deena reluctantly agrees to be the leader, after clarifying that all she intends to take on is an organizational function of delegating tasks. She interviews that she knows perfectly well that a strong leadership position isn't something that's good for her strategically. The problem, of course, is that once you've been put up for it, if you refuse to do it, that could make things just as bad for you as taking the position would be. As the team talks, Heidi notes that it's remarkable that they're living in squalor and yet leading 2-1 in the challenges. In an interview, Heidi tries to polish the misery a bit by insisting that the group is really good at pulling together when it really matters. Which isn't, I guess, in the area of building, cleaning, or general camp maintenance, because they certainly don't seem to be pulling together for those particular purposes. I don't want to give anything away from later in the show, but I think she might be referring to their ability to help rub each other with sponges. Just a guess. She adds, among other things, that the group is good when it comes time to say "Hey what." I actually never say "hey what," and I've gotten by until now, so I'm not sure that's such a huge issue. Although perhaps my failure to say "hey what" explains whatever difficulties I've encountered until now. For the benefit of those of you who haven't seen any of CBS's very subtle marketing campaigns for this show, Heidi then talks about how it's "battle of the sexes." Thanks, Heidi! She is so helpful. Oh, where would I be without her? The women close their half-assed meeting with a half-assed cheer. It's pretty much "Jaburu, Jaburu, Jaburu, meh."

We swoop in over the water and up to a beach which is home to the reward challenge. Tambaqui and Jaburu gather on their mats to listen to Peachy's latest boring speech. He first points out that this is the part where the boys get to see who got booted from the girls' tribe at the last council. I'm sure they're shocked that it was Janet, given the long lifespan older women have generally had on this show. I can't help wondering what the sexual politics are of the fact that many of the guys are standing with their arms folded and many of the girls have their hands on their hips. You never know what training recapping will require: I think today I wish I were a cultural anthropologist. Anyway, Peachy explains that the challenge will "test [their] ability to keep track of a large number of items." Wow, just like me trying to leave for work in the morning. As Peachy explains the game, there are thirty-five pairs of items that match, and each person has five items. You take turns asking other people whether they have something you have, and if they do, then you take your item, you go grab their item, you turn in the pair up at Peachy's table, and then those matched items are out of play. Incidentally, he specifies that you can ask somebody from either tribe. Every time you get a match, you score a point. So the idea is to guess (or figure out) something that somebody else has that you also have. That's how you get points. Make sense? It's kind of like Go Fish, but stupider and longer, and without cards. And what is the reward? Well, it's a gift pack from the Burnett version of Bath & Body Works. Soap, shampoo, deodorant, nail clippers, toothpaste, toothbrush, and so forth. These are also the items, incidentally, that are in play in the game. Of course, this personal hygiene reward certainly seems to be aimed at the women, considering that these don't appear to be guys with any particular concerns about deodorant or soap, but I guess they could use the tweezers for emergency Magic 8-Ball repairs.

The game begins. Joanna asks Dave (after first ascertaining his name) whether he has a pumice stone. He doesn't. Daniel is . And whom does he call on? "The really cute girl with the curly hair." Of course we know that the guys know Shawna's name. Nevertheless, he chooses to call her "the really cute girl with the curly hair." Apparently, this is his version of "smooth." Ick. Shawna smiles in acknowledgement, and Daniel asks her if she has soap. She does. Now, when he comes over to collect the soap, he doesn't just take it politely and leave. Oh, no. He says, "Nice to meet you. I'm Daniel." That part, of course, is okay. But then as he's leaving, he says, "Hoping we see each other soon, okay?" Ew! That was extremely smurfy. She smiles, but she's thinking, "Yeah, whatever, dork." Peachy gives Daniel a hard time when he comes up to turn in the soap.

up is Jeanne, who addresses Rob as "smiley guy" and unsuccessfully seeks toothpaste from him. Roger then scores some shampoo off Joanna. Heidi asks Alex for a razor, but comes up empty. They smile at each other. He has a nice smile. She has a horse-face. Matthew, picking up on the game, asks Joanna whether she has a pumice stone. She does, as we know, because that's what she asked Dave for. Get it? Now, they all seem to notice how you play. Christy asks Heidi for a razor, on the same theory, and scores for Jaburu. "Hey, Jenna?" Alex says enthusiastically. "How'd you know my name?" she asks saucily. "'Cause I'm really, really smart, and I pay attention a lot," he answers without missing a beat. Sadly, he is so the guy I would fall in love with in this situation. Anyway, he asks her for a comb, and she has one. Peachy asks where Alex learned Jenna's name, and Alex claims that he can't recall. Jenna fetches soap from Butch. As Jenna closes her mystery box, Peachy notes that she's "not showing anything -- literally." "Not today, maybe tomorrow," Jenna says, well aware of her greatest asset with these particular guys, which is their near-holy devotion to the If We Don't Vote Her Off, Maybe We'll See Her Naked school of Survivor. Alex grins. Little voice inside my head: "Hey baby hey baby hey baby hey." Ahem. Sorry.

Anyway, Butch gets tweezers from Deena. Shawna gets a pumice stone from Rob. Rob asks Heidi if she has conditioner, but she says she doesn't. Deena pounces and snags Rob's conditioner. Daniel is , and what does he do? He asks Heidi if she has conditioner. Which Rob just asked her, about thirty seconds ago. Whatever, dweeb. Way to be distracted by the boobies. "You just want to -- have the conversation with Heidi that you want to have," Peachy says as Heidi gives Daniel the creepy cute-girl grin. "Just turn and say hi, dude," Alex teases. Having just given away the store for no purpose, Daniel now suffers the snagging of his conditioner by Jeanne. "Look how that cost you," Peachy adds helpfully, driving home the stupidity of Daniel's maneuver. "Shawna," Alex says, "do you happen to have a toothbrush?" She says she doesn't, and he expresses comical frustration. Jenna -- no dummy for the moment -- snags Alex's toothbrush . Now Shawna asks Rob if he has conditioner, but he notes that Shawna might recall that someone (Deena) already took his conditioner earlier. Wow, conditioner is like the Elixir of the Nitwits in this game. In this vein, Rob also adds that Heidi, as we've now learned twice, doesn't have conditioner either. Hee. "Does that usually work?" Peachy says to Rob. "That sort of witty repartee?" Aw, jeez, Peachy. Give a guy a break. A mortified Rob -- victimized for no good reason, given that he hasn't been acting particularly doglike during this challenge as compared to some of his compatriots -- smiles bravely. "Amazingly, Jeff, it doesn't." You know, he's no Alex, but Rob definitely has his moments. Jenna loudly insists, however, that Jaburu only has nice things to say about Rob when they're back at camp. He absolutely beams. He will now love Jenna forever and ever, no matter what else happens. Her profession of affection also results in the rest of the guys razzing the crap out of him for about thirty seconds. Suddenly popular with the ladies, Rob gamely prays for a merger. Heh. Regaining focus, Deena turns to Rob and asks him for soap. It's hard to explain why it's funny, but she says with mock curiosity, "You got some soap, buddy?" and it's very amusing. Deena is stealth funny.

Peachy notes that the tally is 17-14 Jaburu, which means that the guys "need to score." "We need to score," Dave repeats in a smarmy manner. Gross. That joke was way too obvious, and he did nothing with it. Just left it there to flap on the dock like a dead fish. He asks Christy for shampoo. No, she tells him, she's afraid he's out of luck. Peachy points out that the girls only need one more for the win. Jeanne asks Dave if he's got shampoo. He does, of course. And, just as the producers were hoping, the women take home the bath stuff. I have to admit, I'm glad, because the sight of Roger using the tweezers would have been enough to put me off my feed for good, so it's a good thing that didn't happen. I don't know what he would do with them, but it wouldn't matter.

The women celebrate to the tune of mad salsa music. Because some of us really like stuff that smells good. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I have lotion that smells like tea and berries with which I am currently obsessed, and it takes me no more than ten minutes at Sephora to drop sums of money that exceed the GNP of small countries. At any rate, I liked this challenge. Everyone had fun, and it showcased some personalities. Also, it had things that smell good. Amusingly, in giving them the goods, Peachy mentions that the basket contains both "tweezers" and "eyebrow pluckers." Umm, Peachy? Tweezers are eyebrow pluckers, ya maroon. ["I think he might have thought that the cuticle nipper was some kind of eyebrow grooming machine." -- Wing Chun] The guys try to look unhappy, but they really actually care about conditioner, and they're just as happy to sit there and envision the topless group bathing that Jenna, Heidi, and Shawna will be doing later. Nah, that wouldn't really happen.

Evening. There is human warbling. Oh, look! The moon. At Tambaqui, the guys are exorcising whatever frustrations the reward challenge may have caused by stomping on things and chopping with their machetes. Rob loudly insists that no reward in hygiene products could have been as great as hearing that "some girls...want to get with [him]." Oh, dear. I fear that he took them a bit more seriously than he should have. Dave, ever the gentleman, offers to give up his sleeping space if Rob ever manages to bring a chick home with him. Oh, good. Welcome to the sophomore hallway at the off-campus house of Tam Beta Chi.

Now, we enter the creepy Love Connection segment in which the guys opine about the various available dollies while little pictures of the dollies float nearby in cheesy superimposed ovals, like Garrett Morris doing News for the Hearing Impaired. (Heidi: "GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD!") Anyway, Rob says that Heidi is his favorite, but that she's looking a little rough, and "could really use the conditioner and maybe some of that soap." He says that she's about a 9.5 under normal conditions, but now she's all gross, so she's a 6, which gives him a shot. He doesn't seem to understand the "a receding tide lowers all boats" aspect of the calculation, but I suppose a guy needs a theory he can build a dream on. Elsewhere, Daniel says that he had a great time meeting Shawna. He is of the opinion that Shawna "digs" him, because of the "twinkle in her eye." He does not know the difference between the politeness and the digging, I am afraid. Roger says that he just enjoyed seeing the studmuffins make asses of themselves in front of the chicks. Heh. The guys agree that the women generally seemed pretty nice, except that Rob says that he doesn't like Joanna much. In an interview, he elaborates that her constant appeals to Jesus sort of confused him. "I didn't know that Jesus had a vested interest in Survivor," he says. Thank you, Rob. As I always say, don't ask for God's help on reality television, because God is in the tub. He then points out that Jesus would presumably root for the guys anyway. Hee. He's such a complete putz, but he's totally the one among these guys I would have been friends with in college. He wouldn't have admitted we were friends, but he would have stood endlessly in my doorway when his friends weren't around, trying to get me to laugh at his jokes. I'm sorry, where was I?

Oh, right. Dave is discussing Jenna's "dark, mysterious smile." Alex is intrigued by her also: "Who is she? We don't know." In an interview, Alex goes on for a bit about Jenna, talking about her "engaging stare," and as ridiculous as that remark would normally be, I am mesmerized by Alex's dimples, which are approximately the size of coffee cups. Goodness. They're almost freakish, but I like them. Dave says that Jenna is the hot girl at the bar who sits there and doesn't say anything, but just looks around at everybody waiting for somebody to make a move. And then, in an obvious shout-out, he says, "And if you're not That Guy, she'll shoot you down real quick." I completely agree. Jenna does not date anyone who is not That Guy. Dave interviews some more about Jenna, blah dee blah. He tries for some strange kind of class by calling her a "gorgeous individual," but his comment is that "her butt is so sexy." Close, but no cigar, there, Dave-o.

The guys give Butch some grief about standing between Shawna and Jenna, and then he interviews that he's old and married and isn't supposed to notice them. "But of course, I'm not dead, either." I think Butch and Jenna would easily be the most scandalous hookup ever. Can you imagine? Rob then tells all the guys that he's most looking forward to seeing all the girls bathe. He envisions watching Jenna help Heidi wash her boobs. Aaaaand now he's not in my doorway anymore, because his friends just got back from the liquor store. Bye, Rob!

Morning becomes Jaburu. They've got their stanky clothes on, and they're taking baths in the river. At this point it's Jeanne, Deena, and Christy, or so it appears. Deena notes with dismay that her hair is falling out. Christy voices over that public bathing isn't really her idea of a good time. She then explains that the Heidi/Jenna/Shawna Axis of Skeevil doesn't exactly invite her when they go to frolic and wash. Honestly, Christy laughs and doesn't seem too regretful about this -- she just sees them as annoying girls of a type she's probably dealt with quite a lot. And her imitation of them worshiping themselves is pretty good.

Speaking of the Axis of Skeevil worshiping themselves, now it's time for them to bathe, in the scene that male Survivor viewers won when their representative soundly defeated Mark Burnett in a duel. The music is quite hilarious, and features a woman warbling in a high tone while luxurious arpeggios plink beneath her. It's all very feminine-product-commercial. The Axis lathers up and renders itself topless, and then it starts writhing and stretching and caressing its assorted boobs. I can understand how someone who digs chicks might like looking at Jenna and Shawna in this scene, I suppose, but honestly, Heidi looks utterly freaky to me. She is so skeletal that she has many, many, many bones sticking out, and I have never before seen such obviously delineated implants. You can practically see the Glad-Lock zippers. Zoiks. And for those of you who are interested in the substance, here's what Heidi has to say: "The cuter girls -- me and Jenna and Shawna -- kind of went off from the older women, because we're younger, and we're cuter, we've got better bodies, and for some reason, that's, like, a huge issue with older people." She says that just as snottily as you would think it would come out. Note that she doesn't say it's an issue for these particular women, she just declares it an issue with all women who are, you know, over twenty-five. Good grief.