Storms

Previously on Survivor, sixteen strangers were abandoned in the Amazon and divided into two tribes: Jaburu (meaning "weak, incapable women") and Tambaqui (meaning "cocksure, chauvinistic men locked in a closet since birth and schooled on 1950s television shows"). Peachy told the S16 to "shove off," and the rest of us agreed. Christy "revealed her secret," which wasn't that she had a history of porn, because that's already been done on this show. Instead, she's deaf! How will she ever be able to keep up? Also at Jaburu, Janet was too weak to walk, and Heidi had really big breasts. The men finished their shelter and Rob knew how to play the game: however, his Magic 8-Ball told him to. In the first immunity challenge of the season, Tambaqui "quickly jumped ahead." The jumping? Okay. But the balancing? Not so much. They lost their lead, and headed to the season's first Tribal Council, where Ryan was voted out. Fifteen remain. Who will be voted out tonight?

A foggy scenic overview leads to a shot of a crocodile tail slithering through water, and then we see a sloth. Why aren't there more sloth stuffed animals and sloth lunch boxes and stuff? Because those things are cute! Disney is missing out on the major market of potential sloth lovers. It's Day 4 at Jaburu, and the women sleep outside in the rain. In an interview, Janet explains that this is the fourth night they've slept exposed to the elements. She complains that their shelter -- which appears to consist entirely of a few raised planks on which they sleep -- does not live up to its name. Deena points out some problems with the shelter (none of which seem to be that there's no cover), and Shawna agrees that they need to reinforce its weak center. Heidi explains in an interview that they haven't yet had time to build a roof because of their myriad other priorities. Like cleaning their underpants and buffs, obviously. As we see Heidi pouring water over their clothes, the cameraman scores a $50 bonus for the full-on breast shot. Heidi adds that the acquisition of water and preservation of the fire have been the tribe's focus, and that it takes all of their energy to maintain those two things. Deena tells the others that they need to designate tribal duties, and suggests that one person dedicate herself to fire, water, and logs. The other seven people, apparently, will focus on painting their nails and taping up their breasts. Jeanne parrots Deena's idea, and requests a volunteer, but no one speaks up. In a very thick New England accent, Jeanne explains that Jaburu is disorganized because they don't have a leader, and without one, they won't be able to get it together. Heidi proposes that they build the shelter "like, teepee-style," and they all agree that they don't care if there's a ceiling. According to Shawna, an "A-frame's the way to go." In an interview, she tells us that they are not surviving at this point, and she thinks the guys are probably much better off. As the women continue to stare at the shelter -- apparently in the hopes that it will build itself -- Deena appears to be holding a big, green balloon in her hand. So the "meager" rations included party supplies? Whew-hoo!

We zoom over to Tambaqui, where the men have cooked up a fluffy, bright yellow pot of manioc. For those who just tuned in, Alex tells us in an interview that they're in the Amazon rainforest. He explains that the tribe members successfully built the shelter and have figured out how to use the manioc flour. We join the tribe as they're eating their gourmet manioc patties, before Alex adds that it's "not the Ritz, but it's pretty cool." Roger calls the group "a bunch of lame-brains" for not figuring out sooner how to cook the manioc, while Dave claims that "it's filling, and it tastes average." Now that's a beer slogan! Matthew, incidentally, is kind of scary-looking.

The men head off on a fishing exhibition in the tribe's giant boat, and Roger persists in shouting rowing commands at the others. In an interview, he peeks around a tree and tells us that the tribe members' first few days in the Amazon were embarrassing because they lost the immunity challenge. Still, he insists that they've established a very good team. The men throw out their net and congratulate themselves on its being a "good one," and a "nice cast," and a "coordinated effort." Dave tells us that they're settling in; they now have a shelter, and they're assessing the food situation. He explains that they're trying to figure out what they need to do to sustain themselves "for the long haul." Or the remaining thirty-four days -- whichever comes first. Ominous clouds roll in, which in the men's estimation look "pretty angry." The tribe members agree to head back to camp, and Rob bemoans the fact that it was "so sunny a minute ago." But you see, that's what happens before it rains. Because if it wasn't sunny at some point before the rain, then it would always just be rainy, wouldn't it? Dave tells us that they got back to camp just before it "dumped." By "dumped," he means "rained," in case you thought someone had an unfortunate accident. Trees stir, branches are wet, and water drops onto leaves. Alex tells us that although it rained heavily, they were mostly dry inside the shelter. We see the men huddling under their roof, while Butch remains in a mini shelter attending to the fire. They don't look particularly pleased, but Dave says, "It sucks to be outside right now."

Which brings us to the women. We see a shot of the upturned canoe collecting rain, the women not having realized that it won't float very well full of water. The tribe members continue to work outside, and Shawna complains that she's very cold. At least she's wearing a raincoat, as is everyone else except Joanna, who's stumbling around in her bathing suit. Shawna explains in a rainy interview that the rain came on suddenly and now they're being pummeled by this "ridiculous, horrendous storm." She complains that the ground has fallen through, their stakes are flimsy, and they didn't finish their shelter on time. Right now, she explains, they're focusing on building the fire because the fronds are "crap." They're trying to weave them together in order to maintain the fire, which is their "lifeline." And someone's been watching a little too much Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. The women stand around and look perplexed while Deena comments, "I can't believe how bad we suck." As we see more shots of the women ineffectually fussing in the rain, Shawna wraps up by telling us that they thought they'd have more time because they forgot they were in the Amazon, where it rains daily.

Morning dawns, and the rain has decreased to a piddle. The men paddle their canoe and arrive at a challenge. A challenge already! And no clue! Peachy welcomes the tribes to their first reward challenge, which he says will test how well they communicate with each other. He claims that "their ability to listen to each other and take direction" will determine the outcome, and all the women then stare and point at Christy. Because she's deaf! And she can't hear! And so she can't be expected to listen, can she? Thirty puzzle pieces are scattered throughout a clearing in the jungle. Each tribe will pick one member to act as a guide, while the other members will be blindfolded in pairs. The guide will vocally navigate the pairs through the muddy, obstacle-strewn course. Once all the pieces are gathered, the tribes can remove their blindfolds and begin piecing the puzzle together. The first tribe done will win the award. Peachy announces that the river beyond their camp contains a lot of food and "really big fish." The best way for them to catch them is with "fish bait," and Peachy dramatically unveils a jugful of bloody, pink animal parts. They all cheer because they like clumps of bloody, pink animal parts. It's a lot of whatever it is, and Peachy promises that it will provide a lot of food. Gross as it looks, the tribes could probably cook the bait and eat it, but that probably won't occur to them. Jaburu agrees to sit out Christy, and says Joanna will be their guide, while Butch will lead Tambaqui.

The challenge begins, and there's lots of yelling, bumbling, and all-out chaos. From the beginning, it doesn't look promising for the men: it's difficult to follow directions when you don't know you're the one being addressed. Before volunteering to guide them, Butch probably should have learned his teammates' names. His tribe isn't much better: they're grabbing at anything, ignoring his cries to "stop, stop, stop," and running into each other. Peachy smugly reminds the tribes that "it's all about clear communication," but that doesn't help Tambaqui, as we see Dave plow into Roger and pin him to a platform while Christy and Peachy crack up. Butch adds to the chaos by yelling, "Excuse me, Alex, I'm sorry, Mitch, I'm sorry, Matt! Matt! Matt!" Joanna, meanwhile, has taken a different approach. Her use of "paces" is a good idea, but her shriek to "Drop your piece!" only causes Heidi to put down a plank, raise her hands, and slowly back away. Peachy yells that the girls are way ahead, and Butch complains, "I can't see my other guy!" What are they, chess pieces? Butch then cracks up because Alex has picked up a stick instead of a plank, but oddly enough, Alex doesn't find it so funny. As the girls retrieve their last puzzle piece, Joanna shrieks, "Follow my voice! Follow my voice! Drop it!" The cameraman scores his second $50 Heidi boob shot, while Daniel yodels at Butch for instruction. Roger is also yelling, wondering if he has the right side of the piece, but it's not like they have to carry the pieces facing in the right direction, so I'm not sure why he's flipping out. The girls have begun working on the puzzle by now, and the men start shortly thereafter. Peachy reminds both tribes to check the "puzzle reference," and as Jaburu gets close to the end, Christy does an unflattering dance. Really, in the context of this show, there are no flattering dances. The girls finish up, and Peachy proclaims Jaburu the winner of its second challenge in a row. He hands over the bait mess, and assures them that they'll eat well for the few days. Joanna yells "Hallelujah!" and points at the sky yelling, "You it [sic]!" Clearly, she's not this season's victor, since they've already met their God-loving, religious zealot, female African-American victor. While the men look dismayed, the women bop fists in victory and then claw over each other to hold hands and look united. Not to mention score some camera time.

A really big night-vision moon, rickety sounds, and a skulking crocodile bring us to Night 4 at Tambaqui. Roger complains that he's not "used to losing to women," and that it's "not [his] deal." He says he's not a chauvinist, but before he can dig himself any deeper, Butch cuts him off to say it's just his personality to want to win. Unlike all those people out there who want to lose. The men agree that they got their asses kicked, and Dave tells us in an interview that the mood at camp is one of frustration. He says everyone hates to lose: "Particularly seven guys don't wanna lose to a bunch of girls." The men discuss how it's natural to blame themselves for a loss, and Roger says that they ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. Really non-communicative, headless chickens. Meanwhile, Daniel stands around and blinks really slowly. Alex tells us in an interview that they feel a lot of pressure having lost two challenges in a row, and that they could have really benefited from the bait. Hence, its status as a "reward." As the camera pointedly shows Alex donning his socks, Dave informs the group that they have another challenge in two days, and if they work as a team, they'll do fine.

The sun rises on Jaburu on Day 5, and Magilla scurries along a branch. An appearance by Magilla, incidentally, automatically raises the episode grade by half a degree. It's like extra credit for the editors. Heidi puts wood on the fire, and the camera pans over a pot of charred and clumpy manioc. Janet makes unconvincing "mmm, mmm, mmm" noises and cringes as Heidi tells the group that she tried to cook it more because it got wet. In an interview, Jeanne explains that they really need a different kind of food because the manioc flour -- or as she puts it, "the maniac...the dried maniac...or whate-- burnt maniac" -- was no good. The women agree that it's disgusting, and Heidi fusses with it before announcing that it's not only burnt and clumpy; it's full of maggots. Janet shrieks, stares at the manioc in her hand, and whines, "I didn't know about the maggots. I did not know about them." Now that she does know about them, however, she takes another big bite. ["She should; they're full of protein." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, she claims that she can mentally handle the game, but it's been much harder on her physically, and it's taken a real toll. Jenna tells the group that they need to catch some fish. The others ask if she's had any luck so far, and she says she had about six nibbles. In an interview, she tells us that they've barely had anything to eat in the five days they've been there, but they've still excelled in the challenges over the cocky men.

A bird, meanwhile, is having better luck with the fishing; it has something really large lodged in its gullet. Jeanne tells us that her fishing technique is to "put the bait on the hook and then pray." She and Janet are fishing together, without the net, in shallow, muddy water. Guppies swim around while Janet and Jeanne fumble with the hooks and line as Jeanne voice-overs that nothing was biting, even though she could see the fish jumping all around her. Janet, meanwhile, is calling for the fish to "come on," and for some surprising reason, they don't respond. Jeanne throws out her line and yells that a "beauty's comin' up!" They then both run around in circles, waving their hands in the air and shrieking. In the process, Jeanne loses the line and the fish gets away, causing her to pout exaggeratedly. In an interview, she tells us that the bait is working so far, and she feels better about their future now that she knows how to fish. A baby croc crawls along the riverbank.

A flock of birds in flight bring us to Tambaqui. Alex tells Roger that he has a problem with "people who tell other people how to live." Roger agrees, and says that as long as no one is hurting any one else, people can do whatever they want. Then he adds, "It's just like the gay issue. I mean, doesn't matter to me." Rob interrupts in an interview to tell us that he'd been "stumped" on who might join him in voting against Roger, but then, a "lightbulb went off in [his] head." I knew he was a cartoon character! Roger -- looking a bit, shall we say, fey -- crosses his legs, perches on the edge of the shelter, and waves around a leaf. As Rob stands by and laughs, Roger repeats that he doesn't give a damn what people do "as long as they don't bother [him]." Clearly, though, they do bother him, given that he adds, "I don't like to see 'em flaunting it, though." Alex tries to let it go, but Roger prods him, "Do you like to see two guys out in the street making out and all that?" And really, who likes to see anyone in the street "making out and all that"? Alex insists that it doesn't bother him, and Roger acts surprised. In the same interview, Rob strokes his non-beard and tells us that Alex and Roger had a "tiff" that morning over "homosexuality." Roger stands up and walks away from the argument, concluding, "Alex, that is not natural. Period." Alex tells us in an interview that both he and Roger are straight, so neither of them is exactly in a position to know what it's like to be gay. But for him, it comes down to the fact that if it makes you happy and it's not hurting anyone, who cares? Roger is all wide-eyed and earnest as he very didactically explains to Alex that "the sex part of it that goes with the male and the women is to procreate." Alex then points out that if Roger and his wife had sex more than the two times it took to conceive their children, then it's not about procreation, after all. Rob tells us in an interview that the argument "planted a seed" in Alex's mind, to the effect that Roger isn't everything he's cracked up to be; Alex flatly states, "Roger is a bigot." And since, at least in my book, he wasn't cracked up to be all that much, it's not saying very much. And for Roger not to appeal to me and my "grandpa syndrome," he must be really distasteful. I mean, even Big Tom managed to hook me in a little. Roger challenges Alex to tell him why homosexuality is not wrong, and Alex doesn't bother with that silly question and instead explains that he's known closeted people his entire life, who finally knew love, joy, and happiness when they came out. Roger asks, "That make it okay?" and Alex responds that it absolutely does. Roger insists that they both have their opinions and won't be able to convince each other, and Alex shuts him down, "I don't want to convince you. I have no desire to convince you at all." Throughout the whole argument, a bleary-eyed Daniel sits between the two men and swings his head back and forth like he's watching a tennis match.

Night has rolled around at Jaburu, and Janet is so disoriented she's stumbling around in the dark, not even sure if she's on a trail. Meanwhile, a perfectly oriented crocodile slithers around nearby. Or not so nearby, but we're supposed to think it is. The tribe members are out collecting wood, and why couldn't they do that during the day? In an interview, Deena tells us that it's not like "dark in the city" -- they can't see each other or where they're going, and half the tribe "went nutty."

Thunder crashes, and the potato-sack idol, adorned with glow-in-the-dark paint, is highlighted by the lightning. Joanna preaches in the tent about the devil, thanking the Lord and motioning fanatically. As fanatics do. Deena explains that Joanna doesn't like the immunity idol because the Ten Commandments forbid it. She then proves that she did her fair share of Sunday School, reciting, "Thou shalt not have no other gods before me." Deena continues explaining that Joanna won't touch the idol or have anything to do with it. Joanna's on the show, and the whole thing is about the idol, so whether she likes it or not, she has something to do with it. Periodically throughout this segment, the camera lingers on the idol, which is looking ominously monkey-faced, and it's hysterical. Jeanne suggests that Joanna look at it as a symbol rather than an idol, and Joanna snaps that she can't because "it's called that for a reason." So I suppose Joanna doesn't watch American Idol, either. But then again, most of those people really are evil. Jeanne tells Joanna that they can change the idol's name because all it really means is that they're unified, but Joanna insists that "it's called that for a reason." In an interview, Joanna says something that sounds a great deal like, "I worship the most high El Ill Ion God. The holy Gyro. El Jedi." Hey, we have something in common: I like a good gyro myself, and I do like a good Star Wars movie now and then. She tells us that her God -- whoever He is -- despises idol worship, and states that in the Old Testament, "they got struck down." She laughingly claims that that's why her tribe got rained on last night, and then a flower bud falls on her, and she's under attack! Jeanne further tries to convince Joanna -- and really, arguing with someone about their religious beliefs is about as successful as arguing with someone about...well, their ignorant views on homosexuality -- by claiming that the idol is the reason they're all there right now. Joanna's not having it, and counters that they won the challenge before they had the idol. She says that as soon as they lose a challenge, they'll lose the idol, and what kind of savior leaves in bad times? Not that it's not already completely obvious, but Joanna's taking this a little too seriously. As the idol flashes in the lightning for the last time, Joanna announces, "I'm gonna talk all night about the goodness of the Lord and the land of the living." Janet proves she has a sense of humor -- or at least stumbles, as she's wont to do, on something funny -- with, "Can you do it in a whisper?" Joanna emphatically insists, "No!"

It's now morning on Day 6 at Jaburu, and El Gyro and his mighty tahini sauce have not yet struck down all the non-believers. Christy complains to Jeanne that she misses out on a lot at night because of her deafness. In an interview, she explains that, in the dark, she can't see or read lips, so she's automatically excluded from the group. Jeanne says that's the reason she talked to Christy yesterday, because Christy's been missing out. So Jeanne needed an excuse to talk to Christy? They both agree that Christy's at a disadvantage. Jeanne tells us in an interview that Christy asked her to fill her in on last night's discussion, and so she told her about Joanna's issues with the idol, to which Christy responded, "Well that's stupid!" At this, Joanna's head snaps around -- well, as much as one's head can snap around in slow motion. Jeanne tells us that it was a "dog-eat-dog situation." Incidentally, throughout the upcoming altercation, the idol is propped up in the corner of the shot. Hee.

We don't see how the argument begins, but suddenly Joanna is accusing Christy of going around talking about her and their difference of opinions. Joanna asks why Christy was insulted by her comments, and as Christy tries to explain herself, Joanna talks about Christy's negativity, and says, "Because I'm gonna shut you down with my hand. You [sic] gonna get the hand!" Christy's already getting the hand, though, and that's sign language enough for Christy. Still, Christy tries to continue the conversation, and insists that she and Joanna both made mistakes. Joanna responds, "Hey! My mistake came after your mistake." How very Christian of her. Christy tells us in an interview that Joanna "flipped out," and put her hand in Christy's face, which pissed her off. As the two women continue to argue, Christy insists in her interview, "Man! If you are a vessel of Christ, don't you think you need to be a little nicer?" Hee. Oh, and hee. Christy earns extra points by using finger quotes around the "vessel of Christ" part. Janet is suddenly standing in the background of this conversation. Where'd she come from, and where did Jeanne go? Christy asks how Joanna would feel if Christy put her hand in Joanna's face, and Joanna responds that she wouldn't know because she doesn't do things deserving of a hand in the face. Christy accuses Joanna of butting into a private conversation, and asks if it was not okay for her to express her feelings to someone. Christy says she's hurt and trying to get everything out in the open, and Joanna tells her that she won't get hurt "if [she doesn't] come up into [her] face sayin' things [she's] sayin'." In an interview, Joanna tells us that she didn't go out there to "dog [Christy] out anymore," but warns, "Don't think you [sic] gonna go around the tribe talkin' trash about me because you got up in my business." As their discussion wraps up, Joanna tells Christy, "Leave me alone and get out of my face!" As Janet uselessly stands by, Christy wipes tears from her eyes and whispers, "I'm not gonna let this bother me. I'm not gonna let this bother me." But clearly, she already has.

We're still at Jaburu and it's still Day 6, as a small, hippo-esque animal crawls around. I much prefer the cuddlies to the reptiles. As the tribe digs in the supply crate, Heidi pulls out a big stuffed bear, before Jeanne spots something at the bottom of the crate. The camera zooms in on a wrapper. They all agree that they're seeing the same thing, and demand to know whose wrapper it is. Jeanne announces, "There's something in there that shouldn't be in there," and Janet peers inside and says, "Oh, a food thing! Is that what you guys mean?" Deena suspiciously responds, "Yeah. Where'd it come from?" Janet unconvincingly responds that she doesn't know.

A devilish-looking Jenna tells us in an interview that they'd put all their belongings in the crate and covered it up because of the rain, and when they went to retrieve their things, they discovered a granola bar wrapper at the bottom of the crate. Deena thinks someone needs to "'fess up," and everyone jumps in to proclaim their innocence. Joanna points out that the granola bar wasn't actually eaten, and wonders why, since they've all been starving, the guilty party wouldn't already have indulged? Jeanne angrily announces that she'd like someone to "pick it up with a stick and throw it in the fire." With a stick? Like, they can't even touch it? Jenna tells us in an interview that they were angry because they were starving, and it was a forbidden item. She camera-talks, "You have no right to eat over us." Deena yells to the group, "We all agree, right? We're killing it?" As Joanna carries the granola bar over to the fire on a stick, she chants, "We're hungry, but we're gonna throw it away! If we didn't find it, or kill it, or catch it, we don't eat it!" She chucks it on the fire, while Christy hangs up something in the background and grins. Janet claims to be depressed by the finding because they're all there to play the game fairly, and Heidi tells us in an interview that they burned it because it wasn't fair that the men's team didn't have a granola bar of their very own. If the women could only hear the talk around the men's camp, they'd happily eat fifteen granola bars. Each. ["Even if that weren't the case, burning the granola bar instead of eating it is the dumbest thing I've ever seen anyone do on this show. Obviously no one is going to admit they smuggled it in -- even though whoever did it should get a MEDAL for sneaking shit past the Survivor producers. They should have broken the granola bar into eight pieces and had a party. And if anyone still didn't want to eat her share, she could give it to the group to divide. They are (fake-)starving. Fuck principle. Eat a damn granola bar, morons! Now I hope none of the women wins because they're so stupid." -- Wing Chun]

Jeanne doesn't want to accuse anyone, and Deena interjects to announce that she's going to cross-examine everyone in order to find out who did it. In an interview, she tells us that everyone was denying it, which set off an "inquisition party," but that she wants to know who took "the candy bar." Joanna quietly tells the group that Jeanne actually found the "candy bar" in Janet's backpack, and that Jeanne doesn't want to let it go, but she wants to give Janet the chance to come forward or actively deny it. And what's with the whole "candy bar" thing? Who confuses a granola bar with a Snickers? Unless we're talking Kudos here, which are just candy bars in a granola bar costume. All the women agree that even if Janet denies it, she's guilty. Jeanne then tells us in an interview that she was dismayed to find the contraband because they came to play a fair game. They knew they weren't going to get any food and, she claims, "I don't like cheetahs." And who really does? They're not exactly the homecoming queens of the animal kingdom.

A spider hangs from its web and eats its prey. Alex and Matthew check the treemail, and then Matthew tells us in an interview that because they gloated before the first challenge, they looked even worse when they lost. As the two men walk back to camp, Matthew shakes something feathered like it's a maraca. He adds that when they lost again, they realized that it could become a disturbing trend. So could reading the clue together aloud, but no one cares about that. The men join voices to read, "What will you remember for immunity? Absorb it all! The only things that matter are things you can recall." Alex tells us that immunity is really important for their tribe right now, and if they lose three challenges in a row, it won't be pretty. But they're men! They're not supposed to be pretty!

We see a primitive-looking hut (as all huts tend to be -- except, that is, for Tribal Council huts), as the tribes arrive at the challenge. Peachy welcomes them and reclaims the idol from Christy. He announces that in a survival situation, awareness of their surroundings and the retention of that information are critical. The day's challenge will test the tribes' observational skills and ability to retain critical information. They will have two minutes to explore an "Amazonian Indian village," and Peachy will then ask them ten questions about it. The tribe with the most points after ten questions will win immunity. Jaburu has to sit someone out again, and Shawna agrees after Peachy makes a big fuss out of the fact that it can't be Christy.

Peachy dismisses the tribes to begin examining the two-tiered structure, and cautions them to check out the back area and upstairs, as well. The camera pans over pieces of wood; pigs and chickens; pineapples and plantains; and a bowlful of round small things. Alex explains to a tribemate that the stove is made of wood, while Joanna examines a life-size diorama of a grill with some manioc patties on it. Well, if the girls didn't know how to cook the manioc before, they do now. We also see a canoe containing a coil of rope and a close-up of a ladder. As Peachy calls them back for the quiz, he explains that they'll have to answer the questions independently and can't refer to each other for help.

Jeanne and Dave compete first, and Peachy snits that it should be an easy question if they've been aware. He asks, "What are the colors on the rattle that came with your treemail?" which leads one to wonder: why did the rattle come with the treemail, anyway? Dave answers "yellow," and Jeanne answers "red and yellow." The two other people in my viewing group both knew the answer to this one, which impressed me, but neither Dave nor Jeanne did. The rattle was actually red, yellow, and green, so neither tribe scores.