A Big Surprise...and Another

Previously on Survivor, the clips show revealed that Grindia was a diva, Jake got attacked by a bug, and Ted shaved his head. Also, Erin's ass was on fire.

Previously previously on Survivor, Brian won an elephant trek and took Clay along for the ride. Clay liked the elephant's nice ass. Ted may or may not have been on to an alliance between Clay and Brian, while Jake tried to win Helen over to his side. In the immunity challenge, Penny snuffed Jake's torch, hoping to send the former members of Chuay Gahn a message; unless that message was, "Vote me out ," she was unsuccessful in doing so. During the Tribal Council, Jake called out the others for claiming to vote based on performance, and was curious to see whether that would hold up. Then Penny got voted out.

Night-vision shots reveal the tired-looking tribe returning from Tribal Council on Night 30. Jan voice-overs that Jake claimed to be one of the tribe's hardest workers during the Tribal Council, and that Clay "doesn't really simmer with things like that real well." A clearly agitated Clay blusters in outrage as he asks, "How'd you like that statement?," and then something that sounds like, "Well, we know where number day three lies!" Whatever that means. A concerned-looking Jan watches Clay while Jake rubs his head in dismay before explaining in an interview that he would, indeed, put his productivity up against the productivity of any other member of the tribe, and that this claim offended Clay. Clay announces that he thinks everyone in the tribe works just as hard as Jake does; Jake claims that he didn't say he worked harder than the others do. Clay cuts him off: "Somebody's gotta get their ass kicked off." Hee. Helen tells us in an interview that Clay didn't like Jake's comment because it was true: Jake does more work than Clay does. Her voice scales an octave as she squeals that the people who are working know they're working, while the people who aren't working know they aren't. That's some smart people. She says that Clay was angry because Jake brought the subject to light. At camp, Clay complains that he thought Jake was a "bigger person than that," and accuses him of slapping each of his five tribemates in the face, to which Jake earnestly responds, "I didn't slap everybody!" Clay says, "To hell you didn't!" and, once again, won't let Jake further explain himself. In an interview, Ted tells us that Clay is getting on Ted's nerves. He says Clay's outburst was "childish" and "uncalled for," and that Ted didn't see anything wrong with Jake's comments because they were "just words," and "so what if he felt that way?" Ted and Jan, incidentally, are totally winning me over lately with their nonchalant attitudes about things. I mean, semi-reasonable people on Survivor? Who thought that day would ever come? We see Clay ask whether Ted is proud of him for speaking his mind to Jake, and Ted responds, "That was messed up, what you did." A grinning Clay justifies the attack thus: "Had to be said. Just had to. I just had to."

The sun rises. Gong! It's Day 31, and the tribe members are asleep. Jake, for once, is not on his back with his hands curled into little bitty baby fists. Brian has filthy fingernails, and Clay -- with some serious under eye baggage -- tells us that after thirty-one days, they are "physically whupped." Kind of like his two-year-old? He says they've been living off of "whatever [they] can find," but really it's more like "whatever they've been given." In any case, he misses his home and family, has lost too much weight, and is to the point in the game now "where [he] can start smellin' it," but maybe that's just residual elephant fart. Clay tells us they know the end is coming, and it won't be long now. We see shots of the pensive-looking S6 while pensive-sounding music plays in the background. Jake tells us he spends each day documenting his experiences in Thailand. He says it's a letter to his wife, and that it includes a lot of his "mission." Jake also thinks the end is in sight, and is just sitting around waiting for the challenge. It does always seem that boredom becomes a big factor at this point in the game.

Helen and Jan check the treemail, which is accompanied by a tiny golden box. Helen exclaims that it's "bee-yoo-tiful!" They ooh and aah over it and agree to take a "sneak peek," which causes Helen to freak out even more than usual. She begins squealing, jumping up and down, and clutching at Jan's arm; meanwhile, Jan calmly responds, "Oh, shit. We're gonna eat. We're gonna eat." Hee about the "oh, shit" part. Jan tells us in an interview all about the "real neat little container," and then explains how exciting it was to see rice inside it. The two women take off the beach, chanting, "We're eating, we're eating," as Jake voice-overs that their sprint back to camp was remarkable because "these are people who can hardly walk!" Helen reads the clue aloud -- and for the record, I was wrong to think we'd be spared future affronts to the field of poetry -- which reads, "Good food is luxury. You need nourishment at least. So gather your appetite, for it's time to feast. This one will give you a smile, maybe a tear to your eye. What an experience, so at least give it a try." Helen then urges the others to "look! Look! Look!" at the rice, which I'll bet looks just like all the other rice they've seen in their lives. Ted tells us in an interview that, based on the words "luxury" and "nourishment," the S6 concluded that the challenge would be food-related. We see that, indeed, they did come to that conclusion, although Ted came to it a little late: as the rest of the tribe celebrates the clue, Ted encircles them with his arms and asks, "So what does this mean? It's a feast?"

The S6 take seats at the challenge, where Peachy explains that they'll see the reward before hearing about the challenge. He slowly turns and says, "This is what you're playing for..." A pudgy, pony-tailed, middle-aged man bounds out of the woods, and Helen completely flips out, while the other members of the tribe are all, "Why would I want to win a pudgy, pony-tailed man, middle-aged man?" Helen springs to her feet, but Peachy insists that she must remain seated. So from the seated position, she giggles, bounces around, squeals, jerks Brian's arms, jogs in place, claps her hands, waves, and cries. It turns out this man is not the world-famed author of Thai Cooking: Thirty-Nine Recipes for Thirty-Nine Days, but Helen's husband, James.

Ted's brother, Alwan, emerges ; he is very tall and skinny with a long, thin braided beard, which I find disturbing.

C.C. is the revealed "loved one," and greets Brian with a big "Hey, baby!" while in the background we hear a very chipper Clay yell, "Hey, C.C.!" Hee.

Jake tears up when he sees his wife Jenny, who waves and blows him kisses. Peachy announces, "There's your soulmate, Jake!"

Introducing Clay's wife Linda, Peachy says, "That looks like Lady Luck," which is so much less amusing than if he'd said, "Now here comes one fine, racehorse ass." Clay, for some reason, is very excited to show Linda his buff. They silently mouth "I love you" at each other, which is kind of strange; since everyone can see them doing it, they might as well have just said it aloud.

Peachy says, "Jan, you know we're not gonna leave you outta this," but it's not completely ridiculous to think that he might, since in the first season everyone got letters from home except Jenna. In any case, Jan's son Jeff emerges from the woods pumping his fist in the air while Jan exclaims, "All right, baby boy!" She is particularly excited that "he found it!" so maybe Jeff has a problem with getting lost? He's got the same goofy look as his mother, and it's kind of endearing.

The loved ones line up behind a counter facing the S6, and Peachy announces that after thirty-one days apart, they must look more beautiful than ever to each other. He explains that the winner of the challenge will get twenty-four hours with his or her loved one back at camp, while the losers will get nothing. Peachy says, "Hear me clearly. Not a kiss. Not a hug. Not a handshake." Harsh! At this news, the loved ones are still smiling, but the S6 -- particularly Clay -- look distraught.

Peachy points out that after a month in Thailand, the S6 have avoided eating bugs and insects because they've "sourced" enough coconuts, clams, and edible plants off the land. He's curious now, however, as to whether they'd eat these things in order to get a day with their loved ones. The S6 enthusiastically exclaim that they would, and Clay claims, "Pick the sonofabitch up, I'll eat it. I'm ready." A very weepy Jan adds, "I'd eat whatever I needed to eat...to be with my baby boy." Aw. Peachy believes that all of them would eat anything to claim the reward, but that's not the question. Instead, he reveals, "The question is: would they?" Dum, dum, dum! The S6 look baffled, while the loved ones are surprised and dismayed. We hear, "Oh no"s from both sides, before Helen starts pointing at James and screaming, "Eat it! Eat it!" Oh, poor James. He not only has to eat nasty things, he has to do so while married to Helen.

Peachy explains that he's put together a "nice Thai menu" featuring "some of the most edible creatures" found in the jungle, and I think I'd have a problem with the whole "most edible" part, which seems to me to imply that they're not completely edible, just more edible than the other things out there. In any case, there will be several courses. Any loved one who cannot finish a course will be immediately eliminated and sent away with no further contact. Peachy asks the loved ones whether they've brought along their appetites, and they gamely affirm that they did. C.C. is looking a little grimy. She cleaned up real nice in the video from home.

Peachy disappears and returns bearing the first course, consisting of a "red ants and flying ants" on shiny, gold-edged plates. C.C. asks, "They're not gonna burn us, are they?" and Peachy responds that they're dead, and thus won't hurt them. As the challenge begins, Peachy encourages them with the assertion that the "nice big spoonful" is "just like cereal." He also claims, "Ants are surprisingly tasty, aren't they?" Ted's brother rolls his eyes but manages to finish, and James too downs it and can't wait to stick his tongue out at Helen. As C.C. chews and chews and chews, she says that's it's "not bad," through a mouthful of ants, and then finishes, gives Brian the thumbs up, and does a little hip wiggle dance. Everyone else manages to swallow as well -- even the wincing, gagging Linda -- and so they all advance to the round.

Peachy snits that they've all seen the food item, and promises that it's a great source of nutrition before revealing a "water roach." I don't know about the water part, but that thing is definitely all roach. Nasty! Peachy explains that this round is also not a time trial -- no matter how long it takes them to get the roach down, they will still move on to the round. The camera closes in on Alwan taking his first bite, and water -- or whatever comprise the innards of a roach -- spurts all over his face, clothes, and the counter. Jenny bites and gets the same response, to which Peachy happily responds, "There's that juice! That's why they call it a water bug!" A dismayed C.C. watches as James coughs and gags while Helen, meanwhile, mumbles, "Hey! Hey! Don't you dare!" Peachy sounds amazed as he comments, "Boy, Helen, he really wants to see you. That man loves you!" Linda coughs and covers her mouth with her hand; then, her eyes open really wide as Peachy announces, "Lady Luck goin' to town!" Clay tells her that he's been telling the others about her, and unless he's been telling them about her cockroach-eating skills, I don't really see what that's got to do with anything. C.C., meanwhile, has started pushing the bug around the plate with her finger, as Peachy advises her not to "overthink it." Peachy asks how Jan thinks her son Jeff is doing, and Jan jovially answers, "Good." When Jeff turns to smile at her in response, she gets very serious and urges him, "Don't laugh!" As Ted's brother finishes up with the complaint that the insect "gets stuck," Peachy tells him to "think of the stories you're gonna tell." About that crazy time the roach got stuck in his throat? One by one, the loved ones all finish and look amazed over their accomplishment, until only C.C. and James remain. Finally, James finishes, complaining that it wasn't easy, but Peachy thinks that if he "survived the military" -- particularly with that ponytail -- he can certainly survive this challenge. Peachy turns to C.C., who says, "I'm out." He's not trying to hear that though, and asks if she's talked herself out of the challenge. After all, the others are all done, and she hasn't even began. She says more loudly, "Dude, I'm out. No!" She announces that Brian kills these bugs for her when she sees them at home, and chokes up as she exclaims, "I can't eat this!" Still, she insists that it doesn't matter because Brian knows how much she loves and misses him, and they're soulmates. So C.C. gets dismissed from the challenge with a kiss blown back at Brian, who I'm thinking is probably not all that surprised that his wife wouldn't eat a giant cockroach. I wouldnt either.

The course is live grubs, which look just like the grubs they ate in the first season of Survivor. As the insects squirm and ooze on the plates, Linda yells in alarm, "They're livin'!" Peachy points out that they don't taste that bad, and then James and Alwan have a delayed reaction to the fact that live grubs indeed move. Peachy reveals that this course is a time trial, and that only the two loved ones who finish eating the three grubs fastest will move on to the round. Jenny looks particularly distressed, and tears up while shaking her head at Peachy. Alwan attempts to drink his grubs, which doesn't seem to me like a particularly promising route to take, while Jenny continues to shake her head in dismay at Jake. Helen's husband may have had a problem with the water roach, but he's all about the grubs. He finishes almost immediately, and Helen is so excited she knocks the sunglasses off her face. By some absolute miracle, Jenny manages to finish , so that's it for the other loved ones. Peachy dismisses Jeff after deeming him "quite a gamer," and Jan cries some more over her departing "baby boy." Clay and Linda exchange more "I love you"s, but this time aloud. Peachy snottily tells Alwan that he "just got outplayed," and that it's part of the game. As Alwan heads off, Ted requests that he pass on his "I love you"s, and Alwan says of course he will. He then takes off his hat causing Clay to bust out with, "Oh, you [sic] bald too!" Hee!

Peachy is as amazed as I am that Jenny made it this far and asks, "Who knew? Who expected this?" while looking over the two unlikely finalists. He then brings out a live tarantula housed on a glass-domed plate, and Jenny is obviously disturbed because she can't stand spiders. Peachy removes the lid from the spider plate and showily forces it to crawl up his arm while slowly explaining to James and Jenny, "That's a tarantula. Obviously alive. It's got a lot of fur on it. But it's absolutely harmless." And what's with the "lot of fur" announcement? Jenny thinks Peachy can't possibly ask them to eat that, causing Peachy to produce another plate, which he uncovers to reveal a second, boiled tarantula. It's black and very hard-looking. Peachy stresses that it's not alive -- and I hope so, what with the boiling and all -- and that it's "like a peach." Given that I can't imagine in what way a boiled tarantula is anything like a peach, I'll take that as a shout-out. The loved ones will have one minute to eat the boiled tarantula, and if neither finishes in that time, they are both eliminated and will leave without seeing either loved one. If they succeed, they both advance to the final round. The challenge begins, and Jenny attempts to shove the entire thing into her mouth while Jake advises her to "swallow it as quick as you can!" A chewed-up leg falls out of her mouth. James approaches the spider-eating more methodically despite the gagging and the fact that his eyes are spontaneously rolling back in his head. Peachy announces that they both can do anything: "You took three grubs!" We see more shots of struggling, insect-eating loved ones, and finally James finishes. With twenty seconds to go, Jenny appears to be having difficulties, but then she pulls through. Crying, she asks, "Do I want this bad or what?" She whines that she's waited a long time for this, and thirty-three days just does not seem that long to me. Jenny then snits that she's "doin' it," and attempts to stare down James, who just looks at her blankly in response.