The Great Divide

Last week on Survivor, the new S16 plowed through people's back yards on Thailand's mainland before being deposited on their new island home. As the oldest competitors, Jake and Jan got to choose their tribes, and pigtailed Jan was frightened. While Jake went for "youth and brawn," according to Peachy, Jan just went for "older." Hee. Chuay Gahn had decent shelter but a difficult water hole, while Sook Jai had a nearby water hole, but each other to deal with. The first immunity challenge was tight until Ghandia "gave it away." Ew. Then John the waxen-faced minister got voted out.

Credits. I know monkeys can pull hair and poke and make faces at you and stuff, but are they really that scary? Don't you just want to take one home and put a baby bonnet on it? In any case, the S16 paddle, and Erin's breasts get the first of many potential close-ups. The monkeys shriek and shake, but they don't scare me!

Tinkle, tinkle. Strum, strum. Gong! Ants swarm as we learn that we're now at Chuay Gahn on Day 4. It's morning, and grunty snore sounds disturb a group of bats. The same grunty snore sounds disturb a group of bat-brained tribe members. While Clay blissfully -- and noisily -- sleeps, Tanya and Brian giggle over his nocturnal emissions, but not that sort of nocturnal emissions. At least, not that we know of. Clay sleepily asks, "What?" as the group continues to be amused, except Ghandia, who is pissed off because she didn't get enough sleep. In an interview, Helen snits, "I don't know how a guy that's only like 5'5" has that much sound coming out of his body!" She says it's hard to sleep in such close quarters, but that they're so exhausted by bedtime that it's not much of a problem. What is a problem, however, is the froo-froo bow in Helen's hair.

Now the tribe members attempt to push their canoe into the water, and Clay groans at the effort. Can't Ted just lift that thing up with his pinky finger? Ghandia explains that their boat is a "piece of crap." It's not, however, a "retard." And I'm not letting that one go -- just so you know. She says that getting water is frustrating because the boat is very heavy and easily fills with sand and water. The tribe finally succeeds, and Helen and Jan paddle off. In a voice-over, Clay tells us that after Helen and Jan departed, the tribe realized that they'd left behind the map. He says it was typical of Helen to insist that she already knew where everything was. We see Helen and Jan land in a cove, and decide that Jan will stay behind with the boat while Helen goes ahead to the well. I guess the boat's too heavy to pull to shore? Jan is happy to hang with the boat because it gives her "a little rest." As Helen moves into the wooded area, snakes slither around her and agree that no one over the age of fifteen should wear a floppy bow in her hair. As Helen tiptoes around the snakes, she yells back to Jan that she doesn't think they're in the right place. It doesn't matter much to Jan, since she's just having a nice little rest. Helen tells us in an interview that she and Jan went past the right cove and into the "absolute wrong" cove. Because it wasn't just kind of sort of wrong. It was absolutely wrong. She calls it a huge mistake, because the area was "honeycombed with snake holes." Yuck. She then snarks that Jan "nicely volunteered to stay with the boat" on all the explorations, and why can't I picture Helen ever actually letting herself stay behind? As Helen prepares to leave the wrong beach, Jan "I told you so"s that they should have stopped at the first cove.

Back at camp, Clay, Ted, and Brian are busy building a golf course. Clay explains that his luxury item is a golf club, and that they have three holes with pars and everything. He whines that the others are ahead of him, even though it's his club. Then he sinks a long shot and they guffaw over it. Score one for the gnome!

Helen and Jan, meanwhile, are not having so much fun. As they paddle along, Jan looks like she's blowing a giant bubble, but she's really just carrying some kind of lid in her mouth. Helen tells us that they got into a "wicked bad current," and that while Jan's a "nice lady" and a good swimmer, she lacks Helen's phenomenal upper-body strength. Here, Helen demonstrates said strength through an air paddling display, which is no less enthusiastic or humiliating than an air guitar performance. A clip of the two women at sea reveals that Helen is not entirely wrong in her evaluation of Jan's paddling abilities. She then tells us that she can't get mad at Jan because it's just a physical fact. Helen concludes by saying that the trip was a nightmare, and that if she had a pistol in her pocket, she would have shot Jan, then herself. She then flippantly adds, "That's why I don't carry a gun." Hee. Except scary, too, because she doesn't really seem to be joking.

Meanwhile, at Sook Jai, the tribe members chop and weave. Jake explains that building a strong shelter has been their priority because it's monsoon season. As Ken coaches the others on effective gutter-making, Jake tells us that shelter-building has become "almost an obsession" to the tribe, but that Stephanie and Jed haven't done much work, and that has caused problems. Members of the tribe work while Jed studies his fingernails, which can't possibly be as interesting as Robb's skateboard. Ken watches bitterly before telling us in an interview that if he were in Jed's place, he'd want to help out, not stand out. He says, "It's one thing to be lazy, but to be freakin' lazy is another thing." Hee. All the good lines are coming out this week. Ken thinks Jed is "putting it in everybody's face" (their giant, collective face -- akin to last week's giant, collective ass) that he's not going to help.

Stephanie and Jed drink from little tin cups and agree that exerting energy on shelter is a waste of time; Jed calls the project "superfluous." ["This comment is so phenomenally stupid that I don't even know where to begin to dispute it." -- Wing Chun] Stephanie mockingly conjectures that they really don't need food and water, so perhaps the tribe is indeed right in focusing completely on shelter. Jed fries up coconut while Stephanie carries water. In an interview, Stephanie tells us that the others don't understand what to do in a survival situation. She explains that Jed has been attending to the food and she's been getting the water, and she's not sure how the others would fare in their absence. We see Jed ministering to Robb with a cup of water; Robb tells us that although he was initially upset that Jed wasn't doing his share of work on the shelter, he's made other contributions. Robb won't let Jed's lack of work upset him, because he wants to be friends with everyone. Except, clearly, Shii Devil.

The spirits sing and sigh. Ah, ah, ah. Members of Chuay Gahn discuss how long it's taking Helen and Jan to return to camp from their errand. If Clay is going for the gnome look, he should continue to stand beside Ted. The group thinks Helen and Jan have been gone close to five hours, and they agree that it's a three-hour trip at most. At least, Clay thinks, they should be able to see the canoe but, he squeals, they "ain't seen nothing!" By now, Helen and Jan have arrived at another cove. Jan bails water from the canoe while Helen heads off again in search of the water hole. They're finally in the right place, and Helen is very pleased. She exclaims, "Thank God I finally found the water source." There's a lot of emphasis on that "I" -- far more than measly italics can convey. As she scoops water into the tribe's jug, she voice-overs that the trip was like being lost in the desert: it all looks the same after a while. They overshot their destination and tried every beach until, she tells us, "All of a sudden God just put it in my mind, I guess." She complains that she's extremely dehydrated. As Helen lugs the water back to the shoreline, Jan blissfully floats besides the canoe. Helen looks annoyed, but that might be her permanent expression.

Back at camp, the men are now frolicking in the water when Ted spots the canoe and motions that the boat is headed in the wrong direction. Helen insists that she knows where the camp is, but that they can't get in because of the current. Perhaps in order to avoid being called a "retard" by Ghandia, Ted offers to swim out and drag the boat in. Clay reminds us that it took four to five hours for the returning boat even to be visible from camp, and that Helen and Jan were "real worn out when they got home." Jan moans about her sore bottom and urges the others to look at her bottom. (Actually, she wants the others to look at the boat bottom, but the recap felt a little dry.) Jan complains that she had to bail the boat out three times just on the return trip to camp. Clay tells us that the tribe members need to be more careful, because everything looks the same out there: "Sand, you got pretty trees, you got pretty everything." Of Helen, he says, "Now, I bet she don't take off again like that." He says she was acting like she wasn't exhausted by the trip, but he can tell she can barely walk. Jan requests that the tribe not go on any more "adventures" for a while because they "seem very painful." Wouldn't she know if they are painful? Because wasn't she there?

Back at Sook Jai, the tribe members strut down the beach as Jake voice-overs that the structure is now sufficiently advanced that they don't need to worry about it anymore. Fish have washed up on shore, and the tribe considers eating them, even though they're all dead. Erin tells us that they'll look for shellfish instead. Meanwhile, Robb, Stephanie, and Jed laugh over how few crabs they think the others will bring back. Jed condescendingly explains that they only need one or two people to gather food from an area that's as big as a kitchen. I wonder if Jed believes that doing the exact opposite of what the other members of his tribe want him to do is somehow going to further his plight in this game. When the tribe was working on the shelter, all he could talk about was getting food. Now that they're finally interested in getting food, he's suddenly scoffing at the idea? The foraging Sook Jai members bash little axes against the side of the rocks to shake the oysters loose. I wonder if they'll also get some crackers for their crab legs. And some little bibs, too. And are those oysters, or barnacles? Jake is excited that they'll get to eat today, and Erin explains that they found a lot of food, but that it took a long time to crack the oysters off the rocks. Shii Devil thinks it was rewarding to work as a team, focused on one issue. That's such Human Resources lingo. Maybe she'll soon offer a seminar on the show's benefit plan. As they return to camp, Jed doesn't look happy to learn that the tribe has been successful in gathering food. Shii Devil expected that the others would be happy and ready for a meal, but instead she says it was "kind of strange." "Strange" does not even begin to describe the fact that Stephanie, Jed, and Robb refuse to eat the food the others bring back. Shii Devil anthropologizes that "food is one of the things that humans share to show affection for each other," and she's frustrated that the others didn't want to partake. She tells us that they have very few happy moments on the island because they're fighting against nature and against each other. She says they all have to work together as a team "before the good times."

Night falls at Sook Jai, and someone whimpers in a tiny voice, "Good night, everybody." That just had to be Penny. Jed tells us that he can't sleep in the fort, so he, Stephanie, and Robb choose to bed down in the sand instead. I can understand -- sort of -- how Jed is moronically stubborn, but how is he getting Stephanie and Robb to go along with him? Also, do they not understand that they need a majority before segregating themselves from the other members of the tribe? As Robb says, "I think it's gonna be a nice clear night, dudes," Mark Burnett rolls the fog machine in, and cues the "stormy weather" track on his sound effects CD. Thunder booms and lightning flashes. ["Now do they understand why shelter is not 'superfluous'? Dumb-asses. They all deserve to get pneumonia." -- Wing Chun] Stephanie pulls her hat down over her head as rain starts to fall, and a drop drips off her nose, leading to a sudden visual flash of my mother-in-law standing in the kitchen over a big, food-filled pot.

Sook Jai's flag rustles in the wind. It's still nighttime, but Stephanie is the only one left out in the rain. Morning on Day 5 dawns and rain trickles down. The other members of the tribe are awake inside the tent. Shii Devil is glad they completed the shelter, which kept the rain out. Jake points out that there are little holes in the tribe's roof, but thinks that one or two more layers will make it "dry as toast." Penny whimpers, "I sure would like some toast" as Jake covers her up with a rain suit. Shii Devil tells us how "interesting" it is that Jed snubbed the shelter then came to sleep under it. ["If by 'interesting,' you mean 'hypocritical' and 'asinine.' I hate you, Jed." -- Wing Chun] In an interview, he says he slept well and barely got wet during the night. He's not worried about whether it's okay with the others because, although he might not have worked on the shelter, he did fetch the water, and they should know he might choose to sleep there. Meanwhile, no one has seen Stephanie yet. Quite possibly because she's still curled up in fetal position by the fire's last dying ember. Jake tells us he has no "earthly idea" why Stephanie chose to remain out in the rain, despite her insistence that the coals were warm and also that she "absolutely loves the rain." I absolutely love the rain, too, but not sleeping in it. Ken thinks it's "very weird" that Stephanie spent all night in a torrential downpour; he says it seemed "pig-headed" to him, and points out that she's sick now. Shii Devil says it's "not wise" to be out in the rain with a cold. If Stephanie gets sick, Shii Devil thinks they will lose immunity and then "the game will really begin." Stephanie, meanwhile, can't even hold her head up.

Back at Chuay Gahn, they're happy and dry. Brian plays his (luxury item) guitar while Ted wails along with it. In the background, Jan raps, "Ted, Ted, Ted," but maybe she's just trying to commit his name to memory. Ted sings about steak, mashed potatoes, and raspberries, which happens to be Helen's favorite song. That and "I Know Everything There is to Know about Life and Such" and the lesser known "Who's the Boss? I'm the Boss!" A monkey peers at the tribe, and Tanya tells Brian it's "listenin' to [him]." But maybe it's just willing them to get the hell off his beach. They're all amazed that the monkey is tolerating their singing. They think he's cute, but wait until they see him baring his cuddly little teeth in the credits. Clay calls him "Magilla" and says it looked like he had "come to set in for a concert." As Jan empties the contents of an entire coconut onto the ground, she exclaims, "I'm not good at pourin!" Nor much else, it seems. Actually, as much as it amazes me to say, Jan's a good swimmer. As the tribe members toast themselves, Helen claims it as her "anniversary toast." In a choked-up interview, she explains that today is her twentieth wedding anniversary, and she's thinking about her husband. It would be nice to have a candlelit dinner to celebrate, but he knows where she is and what she's doing. She says they'll celebrate when she gets back home. But if Helen's anywhere near as bossy toward her husband as she is to her tribemates, I think there's a pretty big celebration going down right about now. (Unless he's into the bossy thing.) Ted whispers to the others that it would mean a lot to Helen if they "do do a celebration." Hee. He said "do do." The others agree, and in an interview Tanya tells us that they decided to pick some flowers and make Helen a crown to wear. Because every woman wears a crown on her anniversary. Still, Ghandia thinks the crown will make Helen cry. ["Later we will learn how important it is to Ghandia that Helen make with the waterworks. Why? Who the hell knows. I hate you, Ghandia." -- Wing Chun] Tanya is really excited that it's a secret.

Treemail time reveals a close-up shot of Tanya's butt. Oh, and there's a clue, too. It's about "blind faith" and "carry[ing] the weight," as well as "great rewards." Ted thinks they will be blindfolded and running through the bush, and Jan thinks, "We're gonna have to guide us." Since Jan can barely guide herself on a daily basis, I can see how that would be a challenge. In an interview, Clay posits that the reward is either food or an easier way to get food, and that they really want to win it. Ghandia hangs out in her sports bra, and offers to "distract the other team with [her] cleavage." As she motions pulling her sports bra up and aside, she claims it's "easy access in case [she has] to pull the boobs out on the other side." Oh no. Did she have to go there? When Tanya points out that they'll be blindfolded, Ghandia responds, "They don't know!"

We're now at the challenge site, where ornate orange and pink canopy beds called palanquins await. Peachy explains that the challenge will require teamwork and trust. Each tribe will select a guide, and the others will be blindfolded. The blindfolded members will carry the guide on the palanquin through a figure eight course, during which their paths will cross three times. Yay! There's always opportunity for much amusement with the path crossings. Throughout the course are several stations with tribal bags tied to them. The guide must untie all of the tribe's colored bags and return with them to the mat. The reward is an extra lantern, fishing hooks and line, and a thirty-meter fishing net, which is much bigger than the net given the tribes upon abandonment. Why couldn't the winning tribe just take home the palanquin? Sook Jai agrees to sit sick Stephanie out. Tanya and Penny, meanwhile, will be the guides.

The challenge imminent, Penny perches at the front of her palanquin, while Tanya reclines. Not looking good for Chuay Gahn. Tanya calls her tribe "Chewy," and I get the sense she may well think that's how it's spelled. The guides seem evenly matched, although neither tribe seems particularly good at following directions. Penny gives her tribe clear directions to make a sharp right, but they don't, and Jed gets a faceful of branch. Then Potential Collision #1 is quickly approaching: Ted walks into a pole, but the rival palanquins don't walk into each other. Catastrophe averted. Sad me. Tanya tells her tribe to move "just a tad." I've never heard of that particularly unit of measure. Of course, Penny later uses "just a touch," so like I said: they're an even match. Peachy, meanwhile, is yelling that it's "very tight," so we know he's still wearing the same pair of shorts as a couple seasons back, except maybe they've shrunk a bit in the wash. We're quickly approaching Potential Collision #2, and although the circumstances are perfect -- the tribes arrive at the same time -- there's minimal impact, although the front of Sook Jai hits the back of Chuay Gahn. Now they're tied four bags to four, and as they approach another station, Jake slams his face into a post. Disgruntled, he tells Penny, "You ran me into a tree." He keeps insisting, "I'm in a tree," but he's not in a tree, so it's kind of funny. Then Jed ends up in an actual tree. The tribes are still tied. Jake hits another post and says, "I'm in another tree, here." Penny -- perhaps failing to realize that whether it's a tree or a pole is not exactly the point -- argues with him about it. They go back and forth in a "No you're not" "Yes I am" exchange. Then the Sook Jai bearers collapse under the palanquin, but quickly right themselves. Meanwhile, Tanya -- who pronounces "left" as "laft" -- is yelling "You're gonna get hurt!" to her tribe, which must be heartening to hear when you're blindfolded. Penny, however, appears to have no regard whatever for whether her team gets hurt, and it pays off in the long run. Sook Jai reaches the finishes line, and all tree and/or pole collisions are forgiven and forgotten as hugs are exchanged. Even Ken and Jed hug. Maybe they're still blindfolded.